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#grr I have eight issues as is
timidewe · 9 months
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got into a car wreck yesterday and ohmyfuck I am in so much pain
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poetandwolf · 2 years
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People who were and are jealous of my feelings for Al need to have a long hard look in the mirror.
No one owes anyone anything. No one is obligated to date or stay with someone if they aren’t happy. If they feel something is off. They are allowed to trust their gut and leave.
People are allowed to ‘come out’ years later and embrace their sexuality/romantic feelings and move on. I just find it hilarious where.. say.. someone loves the trope of gay guy has a beard and is closeted  for years- discovers he’s gay, leaves his hetero life style for gayness. But they lose their shit when it happens to them. People are allowed to do what they want- and what is healthy for them... The dripping narcissism that comes from some of the (tangible) people I’ve been involved with before I went completely ficto is astonishing. Even EIGHT YEARS LATER. And it’s no wonder I.. have issues with getting close to people, who aren’t ficto or who don’t “get it” and respect what Al and I have, lol. The same kind of people who get hostile when I’m suspicious or nervous or mad how long it takes me to trust them. “WHY DONT YOU TRUST US! WE ONLY WANT TO HELP YOU!” is such a red flag. Because SO many times I have had people fall for me and not accept the fact we can not be anything more than just friends.. just. Grr grr grrr.
Keep in mind *every single person* who has ever dated me, or asked me out, was well aware of Al- and knew this was a package deal. It.. just took some self acceptance on my own part that it was totally fine just to be alone with Al. And that I wasn’t obligated to date someone for any reason/peer pressure/society says so.
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purplejeanny · 3 years
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Reason's Why
⬅️Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Marinette and Luka arrived at the Seine river prior to her request. She glanced at her photo with Adrien in the bar. This time she wasn't focused to her moment with Adrien. Something was also caught on the picture that only until now that she noticed.
"What was it that you want to talk about, Marinette?"
They sat and watched the flow of the Seine river. Marinette didn't utter a word trying to figure out words she wanted to ask him. It's a sudden realization that made her lost in words to ask.
She handed him the phone that shows a photo of her and Adrien kissing in the bar without saying anything. Well, it's just her initiating the kiss.
Luka's eyes widened seeing the photo. He was hoping that Marinette wouldn't ask her about that.
"Do you know what happened in that photo?"
"Kind of. You've just confessed to Adrien." Luka chuckled, making Marinette looked away. He realized Marinette's reaction. "What's wrong? Isn't it a good thing that you finally confessed?"
"I know, but not like this. Also, Luka?" Marinette looked straight into his eyes and was hoping for his answer. "Do you like me?"
Luka flinched hearing her question. That's the question he wished she didn't ask.
Upon seeing Luka's reaction, Marinette felt guilty.
"I know this look, Luka." Marinette grabbed her phone and stared at the photo where Luka also caught. "I once looked someone like this."
The way his eyes reacted upon seeing her and Adrien was the same eyes she had a few years ago. The way she looked at Adrien and Kagami dating a few years back then. The look of pain, regret, and happiness at the same time.
"I'm sorry, Luka. I didn't know."
"It's okay, Mari. It's not our fault that we fell in love with someone who doesn't love us back. Well, not to your case, I guess."
"What do you mean? Adrien doesn't like me. He dated Kagami, almost dated Chloe, and now he's dating Lila. Where in that aspect could we tell that he likes me?"
Luka patted her head and chuckled. "Let's just say guy instincts."
Silence prevailed them while watching the river as the sun goes down. It wasn't until dark they decided to go home.
Marinette thinks that if she finds it hard to notice Luka's feelings for her, Adrien most probably doesn't see hers until the day of her unexpected confession.
Her group chat notification continuously keeps on beeping as she was about to go to bed. She decided to check it out, and the girls' gossips bombarded her group chat.
Alya: Looked at this girl. Grr. I'll gonna expose her lies real soon.
Mylene: I thought she was in Italy?
Rose: Did Lila just lie?
Juleka: She's with Adrien.
Alya: @Rose, obviously she is, as always. @Juleka, she probably forced Adrien to go with her.
Alix: @Alya, you need to calm down. They're just on the train together. There's nothing terrible at it. Besides, they're dating.
Marinette sighed and started scrolling past the conversation to find the photo they are talking about. She finally saw the picture.
It was a photo of Lila and Adrien on the train to London for Adrien's shoot with other European models. Lucky for Lila, she got to see supermodels and spend time with Adrien.
Lila has ever told one of the rarest truths, and that is she took photos with other male models in London during the shoot. She's bragging it to their class before the discussion even has started.
Marinette was annoyed with that fact. It's just the first day of the week, and that liar's presence literally pisses her. However, she knew it wasn't only her being annoyed with Lila.
After class, she glanced at Chloe and Sabrina, who was sitting across her seat. She caught Chloe rolling her eyes from watching Lila bragging again. Marinette and Chloe didn't get along that well, but this time they share the same thoughts about Lila.
"I'm sorry, friends, but I got to go. MY BOYFRIEND..." Marinette noticed the emphasis on Lila's voice getting her attention. "...my boyfriend is waiting for me."
"How lucky. She's dating Adrien Agreste. Seriously? An Adrien Agreste?! Like wow. Lila really got it all."
Marinette had enough of people complimenting Lila on her lies. She immediately left as soon as Lila leave their room.
"That Dupain-Cheng's so obvious," Chloe complained to Sabrina as they head to their room. She caught that Sabrina's attention is not with her. "Hey! Sabrina!"
Sabrina crouched on the floor and picked the white phone lying in the doorway.
"Whose phone was this?" Chloe grabs the phone from Sabrina and turns it on. Her lips formed a grin after realizing whose its owner. "So it's hers."
Chloe immediately puts it in her bag after Marinette suddenly appeared in front of her.
"Why are you here?"
"I forgot something." Marinette heads back to her chair and grabs the book left under her desk. "We have quizzes tomorrow."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever."
Marinette did not mind Chloe's tone. She just had to go home.
She was walking outside the campus absent-mindedly when a horn honked out of nowhere. She was startled that she ends up letting go of the book she was holding.
The driver of the car immediately gets out, almost panicking to go near her.
"I'm sorry, Mari. I didn't mean to startle you." Adrien helped her stood up, but she ended up being clumsy even more and tripped on onto him. "Marinette?"
"Oh! I'm sorry!" Marinette immediately stood properly and faced Adrien. "Why are you here? Aren't you supposed to sent Lila home?"
"Lila? We haven't talked since we went back yesterday?"
Marinette frowned upon hearing those words from Adrien. She absolutely heard from Lila that he was picking her. Was it another lie to intimidate her?
"So why are you here then?" Marinette asked in confusion. Based on Adrien's suit and make-up, he probably just rushed out from a photoshoot.
"I.." Adrien hesitated, just sighed. "I came here to talk with you. Can I bring you out somewhere else?"
Marinette could almost hear her heart pounding loudly upon Adrien's request. What could possibly Adrien want from her?
They get in the car, and Adrien just started driving.
"I was actually worried about you passing out that night, Mari." Adrien blurted all of a sudden, making her quite dazed.
"I—I'm sorry. I—I just had so much fun that night, that's all." Marinette answered, panicking. She was hoping Adrien won't ask her the question again.
Before Adrien could speak again, his phone rang. He noticed it was Alya, so he asked Marinette to answer it for him.
"Hello? Alya?"
"Adri—wait. Marinette?! Where's Adrien? You're with him?!" Alya's voice was panicking, and in the background, she could hear their friends arguing. "Nevermind. Give the phone to him quick!"
"He's driving."
"Then park! This is an important issue. Tell him!"
She didn't have a choice but to ask Adrien to park aside and answer the phone.
Adrien's reaction changes the longer he talked with Alya on the phone. Not long after, he angrily grasped his phone and threw it to his dashboard. He grips the stirring wheel tightly as his firm expression evidently showing in his face making Marinette confused and somehow scared.
"Don't open your phone, Marinette. We're going to Max's place."
Marinette hadn't had time to follow Adrien's sudden changes. She has no idea what they were doing. All she felt right now was fright and nervousness into something that is about to come.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter Ten➡️
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poloniumt · 5 years
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I decided to try my hand at angst. I hope it is sufficient.
Red belongs to @theguardiansofredland . I’m planning on writing a shorter sequel to this that doesn’t have a bloody fight and this much angst.
Warning: There is a bloody fight scene in this fic. DO NOT READ IF BLOOD OR VIOLENCE IS UNCOMFORTABLE FOR YOU.
—————————————
[[MORE]]
The day was bright as Red stepped out from the light blue and white swirling portal, staring into the communication device thoughtfully. It was a quarter to eight in the morning. She was an hour early, despite getting lost for most of her trip to Taiga Town. The road was directly in front of the fountain in the square, beyond which was the decently large castle.
Red read the map sent to her by Polonium, not watching her front. She only stopped walking when a large mass stopped her rather forcefully. She looked up in confusion, before she squeaked in fear.
The man was huge, easily the size of Endi plus a couple inches. His arms were thick, almost the size of her torso. He was built like an iron golem. He huffed as he breathed, as if his large muscles impeded his ability to do so. He looked at Red, one bushy eyebrow raised. “Leetle feesh boy, are you alrigh?” His thick accent was hard to understand for Red.
Red nodded vigorously. “Uh, y-yes sir, just looking for Taigan Castle, sir..” Red stuttered the words out, trying to avoid looking at him. She hid her fins behind her hair.
He thought for a moment, huffing out a breath. “Polo princess may be sleeping, so is a leetle hard to get in righ now. I work in guard, can help.” He extended a boulder sized hand out. “ Genral Firok, at service.” Firok grinned as Red gently shook his hand.
He led her to the gate, where two armored guards protected the door. They looked at Firok and instantly stood at attention. “Firok, sir! What brings you here on your day off?” The taller one squawked out.
Firok held a hand up, gesturing loosely to Red. “Leetle fish looks for Polo princess. Meeting is soon.”
The guard nodded, motioning for the gate to open. The large spruce and dark oak doors opened silently and smoothly. Red thanked Firok for his help before jogging into the castle grounds, looking for the path that led to Polo’s chambers.
Red didn’t notice the slim figure of someone watching from one of the taller spires, a small pair of binoculars pointed at their fins, a sickening smirk on their face.
Polo paced back and forth in her bedchamber, frost formations outlining her steps. Her head was hung in nervousness, her voice slightly shaky and quiet. He squire opened the door silently, letting themselves in.
“Princess Polonium? I’m so sorry to bother you when you’re brooding, but miss Red of the ocean kingdom is here.”
Polonium stopped, turning to face them. “It’s the Southern Ocean Monument, not a kingdom. Let them in, Squire.” She returned to pacing, rubbing the soft material of her sleeves. The nerves had been on edge since dawn, she had been awake even longer. The door was left ajar, letting Red quietly slip through.
“Polo! P-Lo!” Red called out happily, practically leaping into Polo’s back, and taking her down.
“Ah! Ugh, hello...” Polo groaned into the carpet, lifting her head up. “As energetic as ever...” she slowly lifted her body off the ground, Red giggling as she held onto the white vest. “Don’t get comfy, now. We still have your tour to do.”
“Speaking of, how much of the city will we see today?” Red asked as they climbed down. “It’s a huge city, and I’m sure one day isn’t enough!”
Polonium thought for a moment. “We can pace ourselves and do sections of the town. You get to choose the first part of the tour.” She grabbed the rolled map and unfurled it. “We are in the apex of town, and there are four other sections of the town. Do you want to save the castle for last?”
Red looked at the colorful map, and pointed at the blue section, which surrounded the castle walls and the river. “I like the idea of doing this part first!”
Polonium nodded, responding with a hum. “Solid Idea. We shall begin in a moment. I’m going to change into my common clothes, then we shall go.” She turned to face her rather small wardrobe, and picked out a black vest with a fur-lined hood, a grey undershirt, and basic jeans. She retreated to a screen for only a moment, and after some shuffling and annoyed growls, emerged from the screen in the same attire she had worn when she first met Red. “Let’s go before it gets too crowded, now. Lots of markets are in today, but it’s mostly Netherite and Ice Spike Kingdom wares. I think a Desert Kingdom ship will arrive later...”
——————-
The market street was just as busy as Polonium had thought: almost no room to walk and even move. She squeezed past all the larger stalls, Red in tow. She managed to get through most of the tour without an issue, but it didn’t last.
Red had ducked into a midroad, one connecting two districts between the houses. She stood against the brick, having lost Polonium in the crowd, and having her nerves act up. She sat against the wall rigidly, like a life-like statue.
The bustle of the crowd was already enough, losing Polonium in it was worse. The noise created a sort of cocoon, effectively trapping Red to the alleyway. She sighed, tucking a piece of hair behind her head fin. A sudden cough drew her attention to the front of the alley.
The person was silhouetted by the sun, only a dark shape forming their base. They looked rather bulky, however. “Good evening.” They bowed deeply.
Red swallowed their nerves and bowed back. “He..hello. Have you seen princess Polonium..?” She asked hopefully, only to have a sudden force knock the wind out of her.
“Apologies, fish, but you’re just a target. Best to stay quiet-“
“RED! There you-“ Polonium’s voice cut through the stranger’s words. She stopped short of them as she saw the stranger and a hunched over Red. “Oh, no...” the breath had been taken out of her lungs as she began to shake.
“You. What did you do.” She began to march forward, blue magic swirled around her for arms and eyes. “What. Did. You. DO?” She called to the now paralyzed form, anger and venom laced in her question.
“Ah, of course. Haha..” the form revealed a knife hidden in the folds of their cloak, grinning madly. “I’ll get top dollar for both Kipling meat AND a princess..Have at thee!” They lurched forward, only to be impeded by a large block of ice. “Grr...Fight me, weakling!” They growled, chipping away at the wall.
Polonium removed the wall, causing the figure to stumble, and threw a heavy hit to their cloak. Shattered glass shards fell out, along with a sickening green liquid. The stranger growled, and retaliated, swinging the knife around. The knife eventually struck its target, slicing Polonium on the arm and part of her elbow.
Polonium cried out in pain and anger. She hit again, making contact with the stranger’s face. The hood fell, revealing a disheveled individual. Polo faltered, but struck again, this time with the blade.
“Foolish magic wielder! You really think you’ll win?!” The stranger cackled, slicing up, then stabbing at Polonium. Polonium dodged, grabbed the foe’s wrist, and kicked them hard, sending them flying.
“I’m not trying to beat you, now..” Polonium advanced on them. “I’m trying to protect her from YOU, Jiroh.” She growled.
Jiroh looked up at Polonium, wild eyes staring at cold fury. “You remember me NOW, princess. Soon everyone will.” They advanced again, thrusted the knife, and trapped their arm again, this time in the wall.
Polonium threw a ball of ice magic, and began aiming for the knife, which had been trapped in a crack deep in the wall.
Jiroh cackled, advancing on Polonium and stabbed her in the shoulder. Polonium screamed as the knife tore through the muscle, red hot pain coursed through her. “You can’t beat me! YOU COULD NEVER BEAT ME!” Jiroh stabbed again, only for Polonium to dodge the attack, flinging another ice ball. The ball exploded against the wall, trapping Jiroh.
“I’m done...Playing your shitty game, Jiroh.” Polonium growled, clenching her jaw in pain. “I’m not...your live game. Neither is...Red.” Red looked up finally, holding her stomach. She shakily stood, walking towards Polonium slowly.
“Po-Po...please..you’re hurt..” Red sniffled.
Polonium looked at her apologetically, but stood firm. Blood dropped from the wounds, a deep crimson dying the shirt and vest. “Jiroh, you’re under arrest. It’s best for the kingdom to be safe from you.” Polonium whistled, and an echoing vwoop was heard mere seconds later.
Endi stood tall, ripping Jiroh from the ice and teleporting away. Polonium sighed and fell to her knees. Sobs echoed through her body, as did pain.
Red moved her to the clean wall, monitoring her wounded friend fearfully. “Are you dying, Po?” She asked nervously, voice thick in fear.
“No, Red....Just hurting.” Polo coughed, a bit of blood leaked out of her mouth. “Maybe I am. Endi will come for us soon.” She rested her head on the cool stone wall, frost formed on her cheek and near her wounds. “This heat is unbearable.” She groaned.
Red sniffled again, blood staining her unkempt hair and sleeve. “Please do...don’t die..” she hugged the battle-scarred princess, nuzzling against her undamaged shoulder. “I c...cant lose you, too..”
Polonium scoffed, looked at Red, and smiled. “I’m not dying on you, Red. But damn it hurts.” She looked towards the still loud, still bustling crowd. “I’d do this again if it meant stopping a chronic crime problem.”
Red sniffed, smearing blood on her cheek as she tried and failed to wipe her tears. “You coulda l..left me for dead, you know...why’d you fight for me..?” Tentative words left before Red could controls herself.
Polonium slowly turned her head, pain shooting through her dulled nerves. “You mean a lot to me. Of course I would.” She sighed, lungs surprisingly rigid. “You’re precious to me. Even with only a couple of months of friendship.”
That answer seemed to be acceptable for Red, since Red and Polo sat in silence until Endi arrived with a paramedic and Firok in tow, and removed the two friends from the scene of the bloody scuffle.
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duhragonball · 6 years
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Dragon Ball Z 028
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Last time... OH SHI--
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He’s okay folks!   Wow, I don’t know how Piccolo survived that but...
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Oh.   Okay, I guess he’s not okay.   As he lays dying, Piccolo explains to Gohan that he was the only one who was ever friendly to him, which is pretty impressive since Piccolo treated Gohan pretty harshly the whole time they trained together.    But Gohan warmed up to the guy and respected and admired him.   Before this, Gohan was determined to hold off Nappa so that Piccolo could escape and survive.   That must have meant a lot to Piccolo, and I think that’s why he jumped in the way of Nappa’s attack.   Gohan’s the only person on Earth who would defend him like that, and he couldn’t bear the idea of watching him die.
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Which sort of brings up the issue I have with people saying Piccolo was a parent to Gohan.   Who raised whom here?    Piccolo may have taught Gohan how to fight and stand up for himself, but Gohan showed him far more.
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As Piccolo dies, Kami begins to fade away.    This is a big deal, because this has been part of the lore since Kami was first introduced.    If Piccolo dies, Kami dies with him, which is why Kami couldn’t ever destroy Piccolo and Goku always insisted on sparing Piccolo.   Now, we finally get to see the what happens when one of them dies, and ironically, it happens in the worst possible way.    Losing a benevolent god might be worth it if it means ridding the world of a terrible villain, but that’s not what’s happening now.    Piccolo’s turned full-on good guy here, so the world is twice as screwed as it would have been if Kami had died before.
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Furious, Gohan attacks Nappa with a Masenko.    This is the first time he’s ever used it, but based on the name, I think it’s clear that it’s one of Piccolo’s techniques.
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And you might think this would do the trick against Nappa.    Vegeta notices that Gohan’s power level is skyrocketing, and that’s just what happened when Gohan went nuts and attacked Raditz.  Surely Piccolo’s death would push him over the edge in the same way, and that would give him the boost he needs to finish off Nappa, right?    Unfortunately, no.   Nappa just swats the attack aside and he’s completely unhurt, same as always.  
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Back at Roshi’s place, Fortuneteller Baba shows up and the gang realizes they can use her crystal ball to monitor the battle.    They had been watching it on TV, but Nappa kiled all the cameramen, so this is all they’ve got left.
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Meanwhile, Gohan’s completely tapped out on power, so Nappa gets ready to finish him off until--!
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Goku’s here.    And he’s pissed.
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Goku starts off by ignoring the Saiyans and seeing to Krillin and Gohan.    He only has one senzu bean left, so he cuts it in half and gives it to them.   Then he praises them both for their performance while he was away.  
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Krilin can’t take the compliment, though.    For him, it doesn’t matter that he improved enough to survive this battle.    He couldn’t save the others and he couldn’t beat Nappa, so as far as he’s concerned, he just “stood by” while everything went wrong. 
That’s really sad, because anyone who’s been watching this fight knows that Krillin’s been the MVP this whole time.   He killed three Saibamen by himself, he backed up Piccolo when no one else could, and he even scored some key shots on Nappa, buying valuable time for the others.   Yeah, the others are dead, but Gohan is still alive, and Krilln’s a big part of the reason why.    He held the line, and you know Goku admires that.  Krillin’s a hero, but Krillin just can’t see it that way, at least not right now.
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  Likewise, Goku’s really impressed with Gohan for hanging in there.  You know this isn’t what Goku had in mind for the kid.   He probably dreamed of training his son personally, or at least being around while he studied because Chi-Chi wouldn’t let him train.    It probably doesn’t sit well with him that he missed out on a year of his boy’s life, but he’s still proud to see his son being so brave and strong.    Gohan is leaps and bounds ahead of where Goku was at age 5, and he’s gotten stronger without losing sight of who he is.    He’s still the same kindhearted boy Goku remembers.   I feel like this is something Gohan won’t really understand until he’s older.   Maybe when he’s got a kid of his own it’ll hit him what Goku was saying here.  
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Then he turns to face the Saiyans.   Gohan doesn’t want him to fight alone, but Krillin knows the situation well enough to back off and let him do his thing. 
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Goku starts powering up, and damn, he does look pissed, doesn’t he?
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Vegeta monitors him with his scouter, and he’s clearly unsettled by what he’s seeing.  
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Nappa asks him whut tha sCoUter sAyS abOut his POWER levull.
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And Vegeta says it’s over eight thousand, because that’s the figure from the manga, which is what the Japanese dub used.    “Over 9,000″ was a dub-ism.    I always wondered who changed the number, or why.  If it changed the number of syllables, I would get it, because it would mean that someone was trying to get the line to fit better with the lip-flaps.   But that’s not it.   Maybe someone knew nine thousand would just sound more memorable.
Of course, “Over 9000″ only became a meme because of the over-the-top way Brian Drummond delivered the line in the Ocean Dub.    The way he says it, you would think that Vegeta’s power level is 9000 exactly.
When Funimation redubbed this episode in the mid 2000′s, Chris Sabat took it in a whole other direction and just went “Grr... It’s over 9,000, rrrgh!”   This is probably closer to the original intent of the scene.   Vegeta’s not frightened or dumbstruck, he’s just amazed that Goku could get such a high number in such a short period of time.  And he’s frustrated that he doesn’t know how he did it or what it means.    Vegeta doesn’t like mysteries.
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Nappa, on the other hand, is frightened and dumbstruck, because he’s well below that number.   Apparently there’s official sources that put his power level at 4,000, which seems a bit low to me, but I guess it makes sense.    Gohan topped out somewhere around 2800 before he ran out of gas, so it makes a measure of sense that Nappa lies around the midpoint between the Saibamen and Goku.   Vegeta is informing him that Goku is somehow as far beyond Nappa as Nappa is beyond Krillin, and that’s not good news for him at all.
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The thing is, Nappa can’t sense ki like the good guys can, so even when you tell him Goku is stronger, he still can’t bring himself to believe it.    It’s much easier to assume that the scouter isn’t working.   He tries to grab Goku, and he just catches thin air, and Goku kicks him in the back of the head.  
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Nappa tries to fight Goku, but he simply cannot touch the guy.    All the while, Vegeta watches this and wonders how Goku could have improved so rapidly.    A year ago, Raditz cleaned his clock.   Now he’s toying with a guy who called Raditz a wimp. 
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Then Goku lands a blow to Nappa’s midsection, and knocks the wind out of him.  
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That was for Chiaotzu.   Does Goku really know Chiaotzu that well?   They barely spent any time together, really.   Maybe that’s why he’s starting with him.
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The End. [unfortunately for mafia soldier, non-canon. apologies, mafia soldier.]
[yeah, i decided to write about a possibility of how and when mafia soldier completes his mission. enjoy.]
[Awakening. Oh, the pain. StreeaAAAAAUGH FUCK--... intense stretching pain. Bones and joints, popping and cracking. On your feet, soldier, you've got a group of people to interrogate. Out the room... and down the steps.]
[Doctor]: Hey, Solly!
[Ah, Dr. [name redacted for privacy]. An exceptional master of the organic arts. Not a master in Soldier's eyes, unfortunately, they haven't done much yet. Accepting this, he holds a wave.]
mafia soldier: At ease, Doc. What's the situation?
[Doctor]: Well... not many of us are left. [Vigilante], [Messenger], [Hunter], and [Detective] are all gone.
mafia soldier: And who would be left, if I may ask?
[Doctor]: You, me, [Cupid], [x4 Vanilla Townies], [x2 Mafia Goons], [Mafia JOAT], and [Town JOAT].
mafia soldier: [Quick maths on his achey fingers... plus one.] That leaves... 11 people left. Who died in the worst way, then?
[Doctor]: Well, [Detective] was gunned down in the golf course, so... maybe her? I'm not sure.
mafia soldier: Mmm. If I may, fetch everyone into the living room.
[Doctor]: Alright. I'll be a bit.
mafia soldier: Affirmative.
[Waypoint in the kitchen. Bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, wait in the living room. Crunch, wait... crunch. Repeat, until the living room is at full capacity. Get to it.]
mafia soldier: Friends, these are the facts as I understand them. One: three of you are not my friends. Two: four of us have died in gruesome ways. Three: If one of you has knowledge about which three of you are not my friends, report to me ASAP. Dismissed.
[Back to functioning at minimum power. Everything hurts, as it does. The remainder begin conversations with one another. Not that much happens for a couple hours.]
[Rolenames will be switched to initials, followed by their roles upon their first appearance (then it'll just be initials), starting now.]
[[T: Cupid] approaches. Request an answer.]
mafia soldier: [T].
[T]: Soldier. I might know the identity of one of the mafia goons.
mafia soldier: Permission to speak.
[T]: What if... I watched [C: Mafia Goon] kill someone?
mafia soldier: Well, do you have proof? I don't want to kill an innocent, now, do I?
[C is beyond the door, briefly.]
[T]: Good point, but... I-I'm not sure, okay? I, they- [ahem] I might have been on the turret while [M: Detective] got gunned down, and I might have seen a lock of [C]'s hair... at the crime scene.
mafia soldier: Thank you for reporting to me. Now, if you die next, I know who to bring down. Much appreciated. [T].
[T]: Don't fret. You've already got a bunch on your plate, being our drill sargeant and a good friend. I only hope you're able to protect us when the time is right.
mafia soldier: I'll definitely do my best... which, well.
[T]: I'm sure you'll do fine. Good luck.
[Vacating the premises. Left alone. Again. Bah, humbug. Pillow igloo has a television. Watch some Transformers while you wait.]
[A few hours later.]
[T is having trouble breathing. Slowly wake up. Bones popping again. Lift helmet. Suspicions were right.]
[C]: Did you hairbrained idiots forget to kill off the pathetic war hero again?
[c: Mafia Goon]: What, no! I'm sure he's dead!
[C]: WHY ELSE WOULD HIS BONES BE POPPING?!
[c]: Good point... [W: Mafia JOAT]? Can you check if Soldier's dead?
[W]: If you're gonna be so lazy about it, I guess I will.
[A wild [W] appears. Completely motionless. Unsuspected.]
[W]: He's dead.
[C]: I guess I'm going insane, then.
[c]: I wouldn't put it past you. Anyways... what about [T], here?
[C]: Put him down.
[T]: Wait, wait! I can at least tell you if Soldier's ACTUALLY still alive! PLEASE!
[W]: ...god, I must be deaf. Say again?
[T]: He... he's still alive. He's probably laughing at you from the comfort of his igloo. Go search again!
[W]: And here I was, betting on [C] being insane. Sigh.
[[W] is by the igloo again. Nowhere to be found.]
[W]: ...there's a bit of disturbed blankets. [She ruffles through them.] He's not here!
[C]: [T], as you are of no further use to me, I'll say this now. Thanks for the info.
[T]: WAI-
[Pow. Thump. The Cupid is no more. Insufferable rage. Should've known.]
[...realization. Why isn't anyone awake from the gunshot? Check everyone's rooms.]
[[A: Doctor] is the only one awake, and wide awake at that, from the gunshot.]
[A]: Soldier?
mafia soldier: shhshhshshh! I'm gonna hide in the closet, and [C], [c], and [W] are gonna come in. Don't tell them I'm here. Please.
[A]: ...I understand.
[Get hidden. Get waiting. Don't wait for too long, they're here.]
[W]: [A], where's Soldier?
[A]: Not sure, dude. I've only just woken up... also, what was the gunshot?
[C]: Search the house. I don't want him to live again. Prolong his suffering, if you will.
[A]: ...you know about his illness?
[C]: Who doesn't? He's the only one that I've seen on the Memento Mori, as well as here, twice. We've even shot him down from retaliation. He's nothing to us but a toy to break.
[c]: I mean... that's not quite how I would put it, but... yeah. We know.
[A]: Oh. I, uhm... don't know how to respond.
[W]: Don't? You're hella annoying anyways, haha.
[C]: Rude. Bring her hostage, into the living room. Find Soldier, bring him too.
[c], [W]: On it.
[...]
[Appear from under the bed.]
mafia soldier: ...freaks of nature. all of you.
[Bring the noise. Ol' Faithful's not starved, perfect. Arrive in the nick of time.]
[C]: Ah, Soldier. What wakes you? [[C] cocks the hammer of her revolver.]
mafia soldier: Let's say... [CHHK-CHHK. Rack the first of eight shells.] I have some issues with your methods of interrogation, MAGGOT.
[C]: Ah, you've gotten cocky, have y-
[BLAM. [C] falls to the ground, in critical condition.]
mafia soldier: You're not going anywhere. [A], how are you?
[A]: Scarred for life, bu-
[Pow. F U C K !]
[W]: Heyyy, big boi! Hands where I can see 'em... or what's left of em, at least!
mafia soldier: [G r i m a c e .]
[W]: Quite the mandibles you've got left.
mafia soldier: I've been on this gravestone of a planet for longer than you have, and I'm not about to let anyone else die to your hands. [CHHK-CHHK. Second of eight.] You're not the Grim Reaper, she's hotter than you are. Drop the Smith 'n' Wesson.
[W]: ...hmph.
[[W] drops her revolver, so it may join her confidence in the Lost 'n' Found bin.]
mafia soldier: That's a good pard'ner.
[[c] walks in on the situation.]
mafia soldier: [c]. Drop your .357.
[c]: Are you one of us...?
mafia soldier: Absolutely not. I've been trying to kill creeps like you since I was in the Badlands.
[c]: M... my apologies. [[c] also drops her revolver.]
[W]: grr. [c], come on. You coulda taken him easily.
[c]: He knows his way around a hostage situation, man!
[W]: Not when he gets ambushed, you sksks-lookin' ass motherfucker!
[c]: I mean...
[W]: DO YOU NOW?
[The end of the mission, or another baittrap? Look at the disappointments. Look to the Doctor. Unhealable injuries. Stomp on the injured fool's neck. Mourn the Doctor for the time being.]
[c]: Wh--! HEY! Please, don't kill us!
[W]: STOP TRYING TO-!
[BLAM. [W]'s a goner.]
[c], on the verge of crying: [quick breaths]
[Staring down the barrel. [CHHK-CHHK]. Third of eight. Haven't missed yet. Evaluate.]
mafia soldier: List your reasons or perish. I'm not going to walk in on another goddamn crime scene unless I make it myself, do you hear me?
[[c] begins to sob.] [c]: I haven't even been able to shoot anyone yet! I'm effectively a pacifist! Please! Don't do this to me!
mafia soldier: Let me tell you about pacifism, [c]. Even if you haven't shot anyone, that doesn't exclude you from being a tormentor. Example. The Memento Mori. The Doctor aboard accused me of being a FREAK like you, because I was poking a corpse with a stick. He threw me out of the train, into a tree, and thus under the train. I am going to give you five seconds to list another reason. Go.
[c]: I... I-I... I don't want to die...
mafia soldier: Well, [c], I'm sorry to say this, but I do. You're the last one left in this place, and if I kill you now, I'll finally see my mercenary pals again. [c], do you have any last words?
[c]: [sobbing] please tell my friends i loved them like a family...
mafia soldier: Affirmative. See you in Hell.
[BLAM. Down with [c]. Reconcile.]
[Realization. It's finally over. Ol' Faithful trips onto the floor. Ol' Faithful is gonna need to be adopted. Call the Machine from Heaven, possibly? Think about it later. Ow, my knees. Hiccup... finally. I... it's done.]
[Red mist fizzles out of Mafia Soldier's skin pores... or what's left of them.]
[A situation walks in.]
[D: Vanilla Townie]: Soldier??
[m: Vanilla Townie]: I... dude?
mafia soldier: I'm sorry, guys. They were a part of the Mafia, I had to. And now...
[Tears fall like rain.]
mafia soldier: I'm finally gonna see Tavish and the lads again. [hic]
[m]: No, wait! You gotta think about this shit, dude! What about us?!
mafia soldier: You're safe now. That's all that matters.
[The mist dissipates. A sack of potatoes, as it were. A smile plastered across the Tormented One's face. A final breath, and...]
[D]: ...he's gone.
[m]: let's go home, [D].
[Mission complete. A bright light, 'n'... Tavish.]
Demoman: Jane!
Soldier: TAVISH!!!
[Bear-hug.]
Heavy: Hello, Soldier. Welcome back.
Scout: Hey, Solly!
Soldier: [giggling] Hey, guys!
-
[Thus marks the (unfortunately non-canon) end of the Mafia Soldier. Battered, bruised... worth the struggles faced. Rest in peace.]
-
[alright. i hope y'all enjoyed that. i sure as hell did. i hope the poor guy doesn't realize that this one's non-canon, though. he's gonna get real sour. see you next post!]
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techcrunchappcom · 4 years
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Sports news feed: Rafael Nadal wins French Open to equal Federer′s haul | Sports| German football and major international sports news | DW
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Nadal blows Djokovic away to win 20th tennis Grand Slam
Swiatek sweeps to historic win in women’s French Open
Tokyo marathon postponed
October 11
Rafael Nadal produced a vintage performance on Sunday to remain the king of the clay in Paris. The Spaniard’s flawless 6-0, 6-2, 7-5 win over Novak Djokovic brought him his 13th French Open title.
Perhaps more significantly though, Nadal’s win equalled Roger Federer’s record of 20 Grand Slam titles, the last of which the Swiss won at the 2018 Australian Open.
“Winning here means everything to me,” Nadal said on court straight after his win. “I don’t think today about equalling Roger’s record of 20 Grand Slams. For me, today is a Roland Garros victory. Roland Garros means everything to me… many of the important moments of my career have been here. The love story I have with this city and this court is unforgettable.”
The French Open usually starts in late May but was postponed until late September due to the coronavirus pandemic. And Nadal had some words of encouragement for the world’s fight against the virus.
“I want to send a message to all the people in the world,” Nadal said. “We are going through a tough moment with this virus, but everyone stay positive and we will beat it together.”
October 10
Poland’s Iga Swiatek has made history. The 19-year-old, who did not drop a set throughout the tournament, beat fourth seed Sofia Kenin 6-4 6-1 to win the 2020 French Open.
In doing so, the world number 54, became the first ever Grand Slam singles champion from Poland, the youngest French Open winner since 1992 and the ninth first-time champion in the past 14 Grand Slams.
October 9
The 2021 Tokyo Marathon has been postponed due to the coronavirus pandemic. 
The race was to be held next March, but organizers said Friday that the race would now take place on October 17 instead, two months after the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, another event which was pushed to July 2021 due to the pandemic. 
The organizers said they were “carefully reviewing plans that will adhere to the situation surrounding COVID-19,” and that they’ll do everything in their powers to “deliver a safe and secure event.”
Around 38,000 participants from around the world were to take part.
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The Tokyo marathon has been postponed
October 8
Özil not named in Arsenal’s Europa League squad
Mesut Ozil’s ostracization at Arsenal went to a new level Thursday when he was left off the team’s Europa League squad list for this season.   
The 31-year-old Ozil hasn’t played for Arsenal since football started in June amid the coronavirus pandemic, leaving his future at the club in question. 
 Asked recently why Ozil _ one of the club’s highest-paid players, reportedly at more than $20 million a year, was out of favor, Arteta said: “The team is evolving, you can see the level they are achieving.” 
Mercedes team member tests positive for COVID-19
Formula One champions Mercedes reported on Thursday that a member of their team had tested positive for COVID-19 but a spokesman said drivers Lewis Hamilton and Valtteri Bottas were clear.
“We can confirm that a team member has tested positive,” said a spokesman. “This has been handled and is being handled in line with FIA protocols, working closely with the FIA,” he added, without giving further details.
Six times world champion Hamilton leads Bottas in the championship by 44 points after 10 races.
Lack of fans factor in ‘crazy’ football results
Wolverhampton Wanderers captain Conor Coady believes the absence of crowds at stadiums is a major factor behind the surprising scorelines seen in the Premier League this season.
“Honestly, they are mad, the scorelines,” said Coady. “It’s a tough one to put your finger on, it really is. You look at it at the start of the season, some teams are ahead of others in terms of fitness, in terms of having a pre-season.
“The teams that have been in European competition obviously haven’t had that … so that might play a bit of a factor. I think fans play a big factor… I think we all want them back as soon as possible.”
Long-distance world records broken
Uganda’s Joshua Cheptegei and Ethiopia’s Letesenbet Gidey shattered the long-standing world records in the men’s 10,000 metres and women’s 5,000m in Valencia on Wednesday at an event dubbed ‘World Record Day’.
The 24-year-old Cheptegei ran a provisional 26 minutes 11.02 seconds in metronomic fashion to better the 26:17.53 minutes by Ethiopian legend Kenenisa Bekele from 2005. Gidey claimed the women’s 5,000m world record of her compatriot Tirunesh Dibaba by running 14:06.62 minutes.
October 7
Kvitova clinches semifinal berth at French Open
Petra Kvitova returned to the French Open semifinals for the first time in eight years on Wednesday after defeating Germany’s Laura Siegemund 6-3, 6-3, describing Roland Garros as her “lucky place.”
“It means a lot to be back in the semi-finals,” said 30-year-old Kvitova who was beaten by eventual champion Maria Sharapova when she made the same stage in 2012.
“After my last match, I was very emotional to be in the quarter-finals. Now I am in the semis. I never imagined this would happen after everything that has happened. This is my lucky place.”
Global Rapid Rugby cancels 2021 season 
The 2021 season for the franchise-based Global Rapid Rugby (GRR) competition has been cancelled due to the COVID-19 pandemic, officials said on Wednesday.
The competition, backed by Australian billionaire Andrew Forrest, had suspended its inaugural season after one round due to the pandemic before cancelling it entirely in April.
German FA in tax evasion probe
The German Football Association (DFB) headquarters and the homes of DFB officials have been searched on suspicion of tax evasion, Frankfurt prosecutors say.
It said six former and current officials of the DFB were suspected of having intentionally falsely declared income from advertising inside soccer stadiums during certain matches in 2014 and 2015 as income from asset management, leading to an evasion of 4.7 million euros ($5.52 million) worth of taxes. 
To read more on the story click here. 
October 6
Sancho apologises for party
Still in hot water with club and country over his flouting of coronavirus protocols, Borussia Dortmund’s Jadon Sancho took to social media to issue an apology.
“I would like to apologise for breaking the government guidelines and although I was unaware upon arriving of the numbers attending, I take full responsibility for my actions. I will make sure that I learn from this,” the 20-year-old said in a statement on Instagram.
England have delayed the call-ups of Sancho, Ben Chilwell and Tammy Abraham, whose birthday they were celebrating.
World #131 into semis at French Open
Argentina’s Nadia Podoroska became the first qualifier in the Open era on Tuesday to make the women’s semi-finals at Roland Garros after stunning third seed Elina Svitolina 6-2, 6-4.
World number 131 Podoroska had never won a Grand Slam main draw match before the tournament and is the first Argentine woman to reach the last four of a major since Paola Suarez in Paris in 2004. The 23-year-old Podoroska will play Polish teenager Iga Swiatek or Italian qualifier Martina Trevisan for a place in Saturday’s final.
Match-fixing probe at French Open
French police are investigating possible offences of organized fraud and sporting corruption linked to the French open, the Paris prosecutor’s office said on Tuesday.
The confirmation came a day after German newspaper Die Welt and French sports newspaper L’Equipe reported that police were looking into a first-round match in the women’s doubles competition. The reports said that one particular game in the match in question had aroused suspicions.
To read more on the story click here.
October 5
Jadon Sancho in hot water with Dortmund and England
Borussia Dortmund have announced that they are “in close contact with the English FA and the representatives of the national team,” following the publication of pictures showing Jadon Sancho at a party in London.
The winger was celebrating the birthday of Chelsea striker Tammy Abraham at an event that flouted the recent coronavirus restrictions put in place in England. Sancho missed BVB’s last two games due to “throat infection” and the club are reportedly decidedly unimpressed with the 20-year-old’s decision to attend. 
Meanwhile, there have also been calls for Sancho, Abraham and other England national team members in attendance to be dropped for the upcoming internationals.
Germany’s Siegemund reaches French Open quarterfinals
Germany’s world number 66 Laura Siegemund reached her first Grand Slam quarter-final on Monday, but garnered attention for more than just the result after ordering a plate of food to be delivered to her on court.
“I was trying to get some carbs in. I tried the bar. Couldn’t get it down really. I tried,” said Siegemund after her 7-5, 6-2 win over Badosa on Court Simonne-Mathieu. “I asked my physio to bring me something else. I just wanted to get some carb, some potato or rice.”
Energised by her food intake, she won 10 of the last 12 games to set up a quarter-final clash against seventh seed and two-time Wimbledon champion Petra Kvitova.
Turkish Grand Prix will be without fans
Next month’s Turkish Grand Prix will be held without spectators because of the coronavirus pandemic, the Istanbul government said on Monday. Turkey has registered nearly 325,000 coronavirus infections and more than 8,400 deaths.
The race, the 14th of 17 in Formula One this season, will return to Istanbul after a nine year absence on November 15.    
Crazy scenes in Karting World Championships
A video that has to be seen to be believed. At the FIA Karting World Championship final at the Lonato circuit, Luca Corberi – whose family operate the venue – ended up throwing his bumper at a rival before ignoring marshals as he stormed off across the track after an incident knocked him out of the race.
October 4
Zverev out of French Open
Alexander Zverev was knocked out by 19-year-old Italian Jannik Sinner, playing his first Roland Garros, 6-3, 6-3, 4-6, 6-3. Sinner’s reward is a quarterfinal against the king of clay, Rafa Nadal. Zverev meanwhile, says he wasn’t feeling well.
October 3
German qualifier serves up career best
Daniel Altmaier, ranked 186th in the world, beat seventh seed Matteo Berrettini in the French Open 6-2, 7-6, 6-4.
The 22-year-old was not even sure he would make his debut at Roland Garros as he was struggling with an injury and needed a go-ahead from a doctor at the last minute to take part in the qualifiers.
October 2
Bundesliga player tests positive for COVID-19
Wolfsburg’s Renato Steffen has tested positive for COVID-19, the club announced early on Friday evening. The Swiss, who is asymptomatic, has gone into quarantine at home and will miss Sunday’s game against Augsburg as well as the international fixtures next week. 
German sides handed Europa groups
After Wolfsburg fell in the qualifiers, Hoffenheim and Bayer Leverkusen were handed their Europa League draws on Friday.
In a tougher draw than they would have hoped for, Leverkusen, seeded in pot 1, will play Czech outfit Slavia Prague, Hapoel beer Sheva, of Israel, and French outfit Nice. 
Hoffenheim, seeded third,perhaps got away a little lighter. They will play Gent (Belgium), Crvena Zvezda (Serbia) and Slovan Liberec (Czech Republic). The full fixtures will be announced later on Friday. 
Löw names squad for triple header
After their Champions League exertions caused them to miss Germany’s previous matches, Bayern Munich quartet Joshua Kimmich, Manuel Neuer, Leon Goretzka and Serge Gnabry return to the fold.
But they, along with RB Leipzig pair Marcel Halstenberg and Lukas Klostermann, will only be available for the Nations League games with Ukraine (October 10) and Switzerland (October 13) and not the friendly with Turkey next Wednesday.
Three games in such a short space of time given the current packed schedule has led Löw to name 29 players in his squad. Fringe players like Nadiem Amiri, Robin Koch, Luca Waldschmidt, Florian Neuhaus and Niklas Stark will hope for opportunities while there are maiden callups for Borussia Dortmund’s Mahmoud Dahoud and Jonas Hofman, of Borussia Mönchengladbach.
October 1
US soccer team forfeits match over alleged homophobia 
San Diego Loyal players walked off the pitch in a second division game against Phoenix Rising after a homophobic comment was allegedly aimed at midfielder Collin Martin, who is openly gay.
San Diego, who are managed and owned by former US international Landon Donovan, had already forfeited a match against LA Galaxy’s reserves the previous week after midfielder Elijah Martin was the victim of alleged racist abuse.
“We went through a really hard incident last week in the LA match,” said Donovan, who also made a handful of Bundesliga appearances for Bayer Leverkusen and Bayern Munich. “We made a vow to ourselves, to our community, to our players, to the club, to USL, that we would not stand for bigotry, homophobic slurs, things that don’t belong in our game.”
Despite leading 3-1 at half-time, San Diego thus forfeited a chance of reaching the playoffs. Opponents Phoenix Rising said the alleged perpetrator “vehemently denied” the allegations.
Bundesliga clubs criticize international matches
Ahead of next week’s international break, several Bundesliga club bosses have issued scathing criticism of FIFA and the German Football League (DFL) over the issue of sending their players on international duty in regions considered coronavirus risk areas, resulting in quarantine upon their return.
In September, for instance, Hertha Berlin striker Krzysztof Piatek had to quarantine for five days after playing for Poland in Bosnia, and missed Hertha’s German Cup defeat to Eintracht Braunschweig. At the time, FIFA had relaxed regulations obliging clubs to release players for internationals in regions considered COVID-19 hot-spots, but no such steps have been taken this time.
“We learned in September that we, the clubs, are left high and dry,” said Hertha boss Michael Preetz. “We release our players, we pay our players and, in the case of Krzysztof, we were left footing the bill. Ultimately, nobody was prepared to fight our corner. We realized that we can’t count on any help from the DFL or FIFA.”
“For me, it’s absurd to send players to risk areas,” added Augsburg’s Stefan Reuter. “It is FIFA’s responsibility either to postpone these matches or guarantee that players don’t need to quarantine when they return.”
Germany face Ukraine in the Nations League in Kiev on October 10, but local authorities in Germany have already stated that players will be exempt from quarantine regulations given the security and isolation measures in place in the Ukrainian capital.
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johnsaye · 5 years
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Planetary Motion
What a strange week, all kinds of things to do. For someone in my shape, you think I’d have just one boring day after another, but I don’t. Things are as fast-paced as I can ever think of. I’ve got on average of seven home health visits per week, two physical therapy sessions, two occupational therapy sessions, two more visits from a home health aid to help me take a bath and an extra nurse’s visit to help me through whatever I’m dealing with at the moment, although that’s going down to once per two weeks now, and then on top of that I’m doing my best to write every day. Kids are in school, I’m going each week to any number of doctor’s appointments from general practice and pain management all the way to neurology, wound care or urology as needed, and I’ve got a wonderful cat, Penelope, who naps on me a lot lately. Sometimes I just flop when it’s time to get back into the bed in the evening. 
Writing
Planning a whole galaxy of planets for world building it is tough work. Maybe I’ve gone too far? I decided as I’ve stalled a couple of times while attempting to begin writing a space opera style story that I wanted to know what all the major planets I wanted to include were. I decided that I just wanted to begin with a few (seven) individual solar systems that were habitable. I could make up stories that took place in those locations for days, and for a while considered having a single solar system where all the action happened. I thought it might be this solar system, with a future Earth at the center, but decided to stay away from that. I wanted light speed, or rather faster than light speed travel as a part of it, so I needed different places to go. So I picked a number and seven seems to be the right number, though I think maybe eight, just because I like the number eight. 
I want to know where everything is, where all the civilizations arose, who knows who, how many intelligent species are out there traveling the spaceways and what all their relationships are. Where are the natural resources, where can people, human or otherwise, live. What is the power or land grabs like. Which groups want single rule per planet, who wants a big empire spanning many planets (and habitable moons and dwarf planets.)
I’ve been working out where my barren and forest moons are, and where large quantities of rock are, and large ones that don’t qualify as planets, but might be good as a pirate base or something. The next step I want to take is to start pinpointing where intelligent spacefaring civilizations started. I want to know where didn’t leap to the stars on their own and where they did, and who first contacted them and whose side they might be on in a conflict. 
I’m barely scratching the surface of these worlds, but I ‘m finding that as I visit each character and planet, they all have a story to tell, and they want to tell me. Scenarios seem to bubble up that want to be stories, now I just have to figure out who is the lead character, because several of them keep raising their hands and want to be featured. 
Health
I had an interesting visit to the urologist this week. It’s not my favorite thing to talk about, but being a (recovering?) paraplegic fir this length of time has caused some issues to come up I wasn’t expecting. For instance, bowel movements have slowed way down, and apparently, I keep catching urinary tract infections because my bladder doesn’t empty as it should. Too much information… I know. I think I’m doing well, but it seems my bladder isn’t emptying fully as it should, and if I allow my blood sugar to spike the organisms already hanging out down in there go Ya-Ha! They have a little party and boom, I’m back up UTI alley. 
I’m very grateful for the chair Medicare just sent me, because it reclines all the way back, which allowed the docs at urology access to my butt. Got a shot in both cheeks with an antibiotic and another prescription for some additional ones to finish this garbage off. 
Twitch
In website news, I’ve integrated twitch into the right-hand panel of the site. I’m toying with a twitch as a way to interact with people. To be literally present Live on camera on my website at times. I’m pretty isolated out here. My wife is my best friend anyway, so it’s the best of both worlds there, but I don’t get to see many others who aren’t doctors, nurses or therapists, and I just wonder if this is the way to stick my neck out there. I miss being able to bring my Dungeons & Dragons books to the lunchroom to see who says hello. Today everything’s digital, so if this is it, then this is it. I was also considering doing the first draft of this year’s NaNoWriMo book on camera. I’m still thinking about that. 
Star Wars
Holy Cow! The Mandalorian is coming to Disney Plus in November and all I have to say is ‘Take my money!’ That’s just all there is to it. The trailer dropped and I’ve been going over it and over it again, maybe not with the depth that some will, but I’ve looked at it my fair share, and like many things from Lucasfilm, I think this is going to be a game-changer in what you can do in science fiction on television. I imagine it won’t be too long before every YouTuber at home has a motion capture suit and the ability to render detailed characters from their basement green screen setup. 
The fact that they are doing this now likely means they’ve mastered this technology among others over the last several movies, to make it affordable to produce quickly for something with the number of episodes to qualify as a television series. Pretty awesome stuff. I’m looking forward to the Mandalorian when it premieres. 
youtube
Reading
I can once more read the Catcher in the Rye! J. D. Salinger, someone I thought growing up to be a brilliant writer and mind disappointed me in his age to be one of the most famous hold-outs when it came to delivering his work through any other channel except for print. I’ve loved The Catcher in the Rye for many years, going through Holden Caulfield’s mind as he gathers himself up to return home again after getting ousted from yet another prep school. Salinger refused to release the book in another format, no audiobook, no movie adaptation, and especially no ebook. 
No movie, okay I can get that. It’s hard to get into a good first-person book as a movie without the lead sounding like a film noir detective, so there you have me. I don’t understand not having an audio version though, because among the disabled, as I am now, it cuts the story of from such a large group and that I don’t understand, and denying the ebook? What’s that about? In a world where the bookstore is no longer out there somewhere, but in everyone’s pocket, that seems like a poor business choice. ‘Oh but I love the smell of paper!’ No— you mean mold. Grr. He held out. When he died I found out he left instructions not to release them, and then his son held out… until now. The ebook version has been released. Maybe he needed the money? I don’t know, but I’m glad he did. 
My hands are still incapable of holding a book or turning pages, but I can read anything on my kindle app with the swipe of a stylus. I am very glad to be able to read the book again and have it in my virtual library. An audiobook is apparently still off the table. Maybe eventually. 
I still wonder, where do the ducks go when the pond freezes over? Even though I live in the south where the ponds never do. 
It’s interesting though since reading they were going to do it on the BBC website, they published that sucker to kindle quick!
https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-49330560
Therapy
My therapists were excited that we won the eBay auction for an EasyStand XT, though the auctioneer doesn’t seem very interested in shipping it, and we’ve withdrawn our offer. (Because they freaked out when they figured out they didn’t account for shipping the thing…) We’ll see what eBay wants to do about that, but I very much dis;Ike it when people don’t know what they are doing. I feel for them. I’m sorry they haven’t got the wisdom to think about what shipping would cost. The bad thing is I would have happily paid extra for the shipping and worked out a deal. 
My second plan to get one is to go to my local supplier and start working a deal with Medicare for a new one, I’m going to have to pay to ship anyway, so it doesn’t really matter. I’m going to get one either way. It’s just now I’m waiting a little bit longer. That’s all. 
I see myself using one of these days as I get the strength back into my legs for standing up again. I used one of these in the hospital a few times. I need one now. So I’m going to make it happen. 
https://easystand.com/product/png50209-evolv-xt/
source https://www.johnsaye.com/planetary-motion/
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Sean Penn Wrote The Worst Novel In Human History, I Read It
Sean Penn recently released Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff . i> It is, ostensibly, a tale. Sarah Silverman compared Penn to Mark Twain and E.E. Cummings . A Kirkus reviewer likened him to Kurt Vonnegut and David Foster Wallace. Salman Rushdie testified it a notebook that Thomas Pynchon and Hunter S. Thompson would adore, possibly because he longs for the good old days when people wanted him dead. It’s telling that all these figures of likenes are incapable of contradicting because they’re either famously reclusive or dead. Having recently read Bob Honey , i> I am confident in affirming it the literary equivalent of renal failure. Amazon div > To help you prepare yourselves, here are just a few of Penn’s countless wrongdoings against the English usage( he truly likes alliteration ): Evading the viscount fad of Viagratic assaults on virtual vaginas . i> Criminal dab and according personality crusts, bound together by dough . i> This goat-backed lioness began to howl like a bruxism bedevilled banshee . i> 1 The( Barely Existent) Plot Is Complete Nonsense Perhaps the only situation you need to know about Penn’s book is that the summary firstly period, about three elderly people coming murdered in their retirement home, is called “Seeking Homeostasis in Inherent Hypocrisy.” Penn writes like he’s inspected up every single oath in his thesaurus except “dictionary.” He exploits pointless expressions, then renders 70 footnotes to explain the definition of the unnecessary calls, because he assumes that his books aren’t at his stage of intellect. In a direction, he isn’t wrong. Here’s a ordinary sentence, in such a case describing a woman: Effervescence lived in her every cellular expression, and she had spizzerinctum to spare . i> Penn is of the view that if less is more, then more must be incredible. He writes romances like they’re a high school essay he’s hopeles to pad. Read Next Make Sure Your Private Data Stays That Way With A VPN So, about those murdered old-time parties. We’re introduced to Bob Honey, a successful but disaffected middle-aged white man who is brave enough to be suspicious on certain aspects of modern American life. Bob cultivated in waste management, and while selling his assistances in Iraq during the course of its American residence, he became convinced to kill elderly Americans for the government because … well, there’s no actual rationalization, because Penn has taken the artistic approaching of not making his hero any personality or idiosyncrasies. Penn then boldly parodys the Iraq War by pointing out that it was sometimes murderous, and sacred shit you guys, some people may have profited from that acts of violence. It’s an interesting see if these are the first words you’ve spoke since 2003. div > Now, you might be thinking, “OK, that doesn’t sound very profound, but it’s still reasonable to essay the Iraq War, right? ” To which I’d respond that Penn refers to the Pentagon as “the five-sided puzzle palace, ” then specifies a footnote that clarifies he represents “the Pentagon.” From there, we learn that the American administration looks threatened by age-old people who don’t buy fairly branded commodities. The only real plot pitch is that the NSA, a covert section of the EPA, and a assortment of conservative groundworks are working together on these old-fashioned people assassinations because the removal of the flatulence they contribute to the environment permits businesses to pollute more. Way to tackle America’s questions manager on, Sean Penn. After agreeing to help the government kill old-fashioned beings for no good reason, Bob’s drifts of America and the world eventually cause him to reach the marvelous realization that killing people is bad and that, holy shit, America might be bad more . i> So Bob tries and fails to kill a Trump stand-in while extricating his 20 -something girlfriend who has all the character development of a calculator with “BOOBS” written on it. And that’s it. Penn wrote a series of incoherent indignant tweets about America, then pulled them out to novel segment with shit like this TAGEND div > Behind decorative gabion walls, an elderly neighbor sits centurion on his porch watching Bob with unauthorized soupcon. Bob checks this. Detects fucked by his own face . i> 2 Sean Penn Never Learned What Satire Is The idea that the government is killing age-old parties doesn’t have a quality; it’s only there, because it’s something bad parties would do and grr, the government is bad. The whole bible is full-of-the-moon of that kind of vapid pseudo-criticism. Sean Penn is a man who looked at the world and its many issues in all of their breathtaking intricacy and reached judgments like maybe the media … might be influencing what we think about ! Have you considered that marketing might be … trying to manipulate you ? What if legislators … sometimes lie ? And engineering … could it have … downsides ? It’s baby’s first hot take, written at the tender age of 57. Here, for example, is what Penn has to say about millennials TAGEND div > Adderall and advertisers’ chickens had come home to roost. Bob find from feline millennials the disseminations of Instagrams blitzingly blazing from all directions … No one “ve spoken to” anyone, and when they did, it was more about those anthropomorphic arrows than it was the natural air of organically human pas … An age group so lost to letters and steeped in transactional copulation, it seemed of them that they recognise scarcely between an active orgasm and an acted one . i> Wow, sick smolder. Penn careens from “selfies are dumb” to two clauses on gun control to a brief aside on why hunting is good to long stretches during which good-for-nothing happens and no quality is met. It’s as if Penn thought that hurled verse is the fruit of getting one’s penis hurled in a car door. He likens people who buy substance( nothing in particular, exactly substance) to sheep, and then, in case you somehow weren’t going it, certifies: “BAHHH-BAHHH-BILDERBERG.” What do you have to say about sell, Sean? “Branding is being! Labelling is being! The algorithm of modern binary existentialism.” He even talks about ice cream trucks like he can’t get through a single conversation without boasting about his IQ: “The music of an ice cream truck sells sweetness, but its wares are cold and fattening.” But it’s Trump and his voters where Penn is at his least elegant TAGEND div > Between the id and the superego, the sheep had traded a love of their own children for the chance to cry, “Look at me! I’m a pisser on a tree! ” Ouch exits the human mind. Out reaches the orator’s brain-fart, this Jesus of Jonestown, this blind subject to Newtown, spews bile aplenty, to bitch us all down . i> So numerous statements haven’t been used to say so little since Ayn Rand was labor. The greatest insight Penn can muster up is calling Trump “Mein Drumpf” and “Mr. Landlord, ” before swearing “Sir, I request you to struggle. Tweet me, bitch. I dare you.” My cat has stepped on my keyboard and inadvertently referred tweets that are more politically insightful. And it gets worse, because … 3 Sean Penn Thinks It’s Deep To Use Racial Slurs Bob Honey isn’t some splendid subversion of republican Americans. It’s a jog polemical for how Penn watches America, mixed with the incisive equivalent of chewing a child because you think that Swift guy was onto something. So it’s not super huge that the only Mexican references are drug dealer who love tacos and tequila. Or that Penn uses the term “Jew-speak.” Or that the main gang of Iraq War profiteers and senior murderers are cannibalistic Papua New Guineans who wear grass hems and use jolt guns. div > Nothing answers profound commentary of modern America like “What if a knot of stereotypical immigrants are the cause of our problems? And then that’s it, there’s no insightful turn? ” The Guinean leader speaks events like “Caught me a client of kuru! I crackin’ a grizz, my bruva, ” because Sean Penn is systematically working to convince us that proficiency was a mistake. There���s a thin line between satirizing racial issues and only being racist, and Penn took a giant dump on that argument when he wrote the following in the middle of his closing anti-Trump manifesto. I rationalize in advance to like eight different groups of beings for exposing you to this TAGEND “You trying to kill me because I don’t actually believe we’re the ‘best’ country in the world? … You want to kill me, you boogeymen and women, you worshippers of tits, ass, and beefcake, you snivelling, vomitus, kike-, nigger-, towelhead-, and wetback-hating, faggot-fearing colostomy bags of humanity? ” Hey Sean, it’s actually possible to critique Trump and ethnic issues without descent innuendoes like you got a bulk slew on them at Costco. And somehow, that’s not even the worst part. 4 Shockingly, Sean Penn Might Have Some Publishes With Women Penn has a long autobiography of alleged domestic ill-treatment ,~ ATAGEND and while I’m not said today he has issues with women, he seems to be saying that himself. Bob’s ex-wife is described as a “chubby fuckin’ redhead whose supernatural still whorishly specters his bed.” In including references to a pitch-black woman Bob had a crush on, Penn writes: “He thought of her elegance and the enticement of her shaved and shapely cinnamon puts standing at the trailer’s screen door.” Oh, and here’s what he has to say about women with the valour to destroy America by expending makeup: “Had she sold the mythology of her quietnes for cosmetic self-awareness? Going older in America is tough on a woman; discovering what she’ll do to avoid it is tough on a man.” Then there’s Bob’s girlfriend, Annie, whose attributes include being great at making cock from Bob and actually liking Bob. She has no personality , no passions , no rulings. What we do know is that “She may have even been too young. But Bob never riled himself to those used distinctions.” And when Annie writes Bob a tone, she signs it: “My love and vagina( on your squad ). “ div > Other female courages include a bad young baby, a volunteer who gets suck on the number of jobs, a waitress who is described as an “undernourished nymphomaniac, ” and a “lesbo-leaning lunatic” who nearly shits herself. There’s also an “awful chimera” who does shit herself while precipitating overboard and get gobbled by “fifty frenzied sharks( adios, amiga ), ” in one of several instances of Penn exploiting cases of violence against women for the purpose of humor. I study I’ve detected Penn’s fetish, and it’s wives getting hurt and shitting themselves. If you aren’t previously turned off, allow me to perpetually devastate gender for you with Penn at his most erotic TAGEND What a magical vagina, Bob foresaw, after inquiring it for hours . i> “Good vagina. Maybe more Vietnam.” ( Greenback: “Vietnam” is what Penn calls pubic hair .) Tedious trickling of cold cunt soup . i> Now here’s a merriment excerpt from the, ugh , five-and-a-half-page rhyme that culminates the novel TAGEND Where did all the chuckles go ? i> Are you out there, Louis C.K .? i> Once critical conversations Kept us on our toes ; i> Was it actually in our interest div > To stomp Charlie Rose ? i> And what’s with this ‘Me Too’ ? i> This infantizing period of the day … i> Is this a toddler’s crusade ? i> Reducing crime, slut-shaming, and suffrage to reckless child’s comedy ? i> A pulpit for accusation immunity ? i> Due process has lost its sheen ? i> Again, there’s no irony here. Other parts of the poem are serious complaints about issues like mass shootings. Penn just got to the end of a story that he clearly made less time to write than most people devote crafting SpongeBob memes, and expended a half-second deliberation, “Hey, what if it was actually bad that a 76 -year-old millionaire was shot for frequently molesting dames? ” And then he zooms on, like a philosophical collision and feed. He wants to offer half-assed commentary on everything he’s ever glimpsed in the news. And that, I feel, is because … 5 Sean Penn Desperately Wants To Sound Smart The New York Times called Penn’s book “a problem wrapped in an mystery and cloaked in crazy.” I have a simpler explanation: It sucks. “Riddle” implies that there’s something smart to be collected from it. There isn’t. It’s public masturbation. Penn quotes and comments Herodotus, Norman Mailer, Inmar Berman, Jack Kerouac, Phil Ochs, Albert Camus, and more, because like your most ruffling Facebook acquaintances, he thinks that knowing their lists of smart beings stimulates him smart by proxy. div > This garbage has been declared to have “almost immeasurable charm” seemingly alone because it entitles Donald Trump fat. The particularly reality that it was published at all is the eventual lesson of pointing on a arc. Sean Penn is a celebrity, so of course we have to put out his inanity. Penn took the adventurous political stance that ha ha, Trump has a small penis, so of course it’s provocative. Even some of the many people who thumped it was better called it happens like “brave” or a misfired account. It’s not, and it isn’t. That Penn recognizes this record as some kind of daring statement against branding is the high levels of hypocrisy and arrogance. This work is on shelves merely because Sean Penn is a “brand.” I realise the absurdity now, that I’m contributing to the attention that Penn is getting. But this isn’t really a commentary; it’s a notice. Don’t buy this volume because Sarah Silverman called it a “masterpiece.” Don’t buy this notebook out of melancholy curiosity. Taunting documents sent by serial gunmen have contributed more to American culture than this book ever will, and the only beneficial thought we can do is ignore it like it’s an attention-seeking babe. If I still haven’t persuaded you, here’s what Sean Penn has to say after a scene in which a helicopter crushes a woman TAGEND “As for Helen Mayo, they did Sikh and find abides. Get it? Sikh! Get it ??? ” I know you’ll do the right thing. Mark is on Twitter, and has a book with a better rating than Penn’s . Guess we’d be remiss not to relate “youve got to” where you could purchase the book, so here it is if “youve been” demand it . b > i> Support Cracked’s journalism with a tour to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you . b > i> For more comical personality literature, check out I Read Steven Seagal’s Insane Novel So You Don’t Have To and 6 Ugly Things You Hear About Donald Trump Reading His Books . b > i> You certainly should be following us on Facebook . b > i> Read more: http :// www.cracked.com/ blog/ sean-penn-wrote-worst-novel-in-human-history-i-read-it / http://dailybuzznetwork.com/index.php/2018/06/08/sean-penn-wrote-the-worst-novel-in-human-history-i-read-it/
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Sean Penn Wrote The Worst Novel In Human History, I Read It
Sean Penn recently released Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff. It is, ostensibly, a novel. Sarah Silverman compared Penn to Mark Twain and E.E. Cummings. A Kirkus reviewer equated him to Kurt Vonnegut and David Foster Wallace. Salman Rushdie declared it a book that Thomas Pynchon and Hunter S. Thompson would love, possibly because he longs for the good old days when people wanted him dead. It’s telling that all these figures of comparison are incapable of disagreeing because they’re either famously reclusive or dead. Having recently read Bob Honey, I am confident in declaring it the literary equivalent of renal failure.
Amazon
To help you prepare yourselves, here are just a few of Penn’s many atrocities against the English language (he really likes alliteration):
Evading the viscount vogue of Viagratic assaults on virtual vaginas.
Criminal crumbs and corresponding celebrity crusts, bound together by dough.
This goat-backed lioness began to hoot like a bruxism bedevilled banshee.
1
The (Barely Existent) Plot Is Complete Nonsense
Perhaps the only thing you need to know about Penn’s book is that the brief first chapter, about three elderly people getting murdered in their retirement home, is called “Seeking Homeostasis in Inherent Hypocrisy.” Penn writes like he’s looked up every single word in his thesaurus except “dictionary.” He uses unnecessary terms, then provides 70 footnotes to explain the definition of the unnecessary terms, because he assumes that his readers aren’t at his level of intelligence. In a way, he isn’t wrong.
Here’s a typical sentence, in this case describing a woman: Effervescence lived in her every cellular expression, and she had spizzerinctum to spare. Penn thinks that if less is more, then more must be incredible. He writes novels like they’re a high school essay he’s desperate to pad.
Read Next
Make Sure Your Private Data Stays That Way With A VPN
So, about those murdered old people. We’re introduced to Bob Honey, a successful but disaffected middle-aged white man who is brave enough to be suspicious of some aspects of modern American life. Bob worked in waste management, and while selling his services in Iraq during the American occupation, he became convinced to kill elderly Americans for the government because … well, there’s no actual explanation, because Penn has taken the creative approach of not giving his hero any personality or traits. Penn then boldly satirizes the Iraq War by pointing out that it was sometimes violent, and holy shit you guys, some people may have profited from that violence. It’s an interesting observation if these are the first words you’ve read since 2003.
Now, you might be thinking, “OK, that doesn’t sound very profound, but it’s still reasonable to critique the Iraq War, right?” To which I’d respond that Penn refers to the Pentagon as “the five-sided puzzle palace,” then provides a footnote that clarifies he means “the Pentagon.”
From there, we learn that the American government feels threatened by old people who don’t buy enough branded products. The only real plot point is that the NSA, a covert section of the EPA, and a bunch of conservative foundations are working together on these old people murders because the removal of the flatulence they contribute to the environment allows businesses to pollute more. Way to tackle America’s problems head on, Sean Penn.
After agreeing to help the government kill old people for no good reason, Bob’s wanderings of America and the world eventually cause him to reach the incredible realization that killing people is bad and that, holy shit, America might be bad too. So Bob tries and fails to kill a Trump stand-in while rescuing his 20-something girlfriend who has all the character development of a calculator with “BOOBS” written on it. And that’s it. Penn wrote a series of incoherent angry tweets about America, then stretched them out to novel length with shit like this:
Behind decorative gabion walls, an elderly neighbor sits centurion on his porch watching Bob with surreptitious soupcon. Bob sees this. Feels fucked by his own face.
2
Sean Penn Never Learned What Satire Is
The idea that the government is killing old people doesn’t have a point; it’s just there, because it’s something bad people would do and grr, the government is bad. The whole book is full of that kind of vapid pseudo-criticism. Sean Penn is a man who looked at the world and its many issues in all of their incredible complexity and reached conclusions like maybe the media … might be influencing what we think about! Have you considered that marketing might be … trying to manipulate you? What if politicians … sometimes lie? And technology … could it have … downsides? It’s baby’s first hot take, written at the tender age of 57. Here, for example, is what Penn has to say about millennials:
Adderall and advertisers’ chickens had come home to roost. Bob felt from feline millennials the transmissions of Instagrams blitzingly blazing from all directions … No one spoke to anyone, and when they did, it was more about those anthropomorphic arrows than it was the natural air of organically human traverse … An age group so lost to letters and steeped in transactional sex, it seemed of them that they distinguished little between an active orgasm and an acted one.
Wow, sick burn. Penn careens from “selfies are dumb” to two paragraphs on gun control to a brief aside on why hunting is bad to long stretches during which nothing happens and no point is made. It’s as if Penn thought that slam poetry was the result of getting one’s penis slammed in a car door.
He compares people who buy stuff (nothing in particular, just stuff) to sheep, and then, in case you somehow weren’t getting it, declares: “BAHHH-BAHHH-BILDERBERG.” What do you have to say about marketing, Sean? “Branding is being! Branding is being! The algorithm of modern binary existentialism.” He even talks about ice cream trucks like he can’t get through a single conversation without bragging about his IQ: “The music of an ice cream truck sells sweetness, but its wares are cold and fattening.” But it’s Trump and his voters where Penn is at his least elegant:
Between the id and the superego, the sheep had traded a love of their own children for the chance to cry, “Look at me! I’m a pisser on a tree!” Ouch goes the human heart. Out comes the orator’s brain-fart, this Jesus of Jonestown, this blind man to Newtown, spits bile aplenty, to bitch us all down.
So many words haven’t been used to say so little since Ayn Rand was working. The greatest insight Penn can muster up is calling Trump “Mein Drumpf” and “Mr. Landlord,” before declaring “Sir, I challenge you to duel. Tweet me, bitch. I dare you.” My cat has stepped on my keyboard and accidentally sent tweets that are more politically insightful. And it gets worse, because …
3
Sean Penn Thinks It’s Deep To Use Racial Slurs
Bob Honey isn’t some brilliant subversion of conservative Americans. It’s a rambling polemic for how Penn sees America, mixed with the satirical equivalent of eating a child because you think that Swift guy was onto something. So it’s not super great that the only Mexican characters are drug dealers who love tacos and tequila. Or that Penn uses the term “Jew-speak.” Or that the main gang of Iraq War profiteers and senior murderers are cannibalistic Papua New Guineans who wear grass skirts and use blow guns.
Nothing says profound criticism of modern America like “What if a bunch of stereotypical immigrants are the cause of our problems? And then that’s it, there’s no insightful twist?” The Guinean leader says things like “Caught me a case of kuru! I crackin’ a grizz, my bruva,” because Sean Penn is systematically working to convince us that literacy was a mistake.
There’s a thin line between satirizing racial issues and just being racist, and Penn took a giant dump on that line when he wrote the following in the middle of his closing anti-Trump manifesto. I apologize in advance to like eight different groups of people for exposing you to this:
“You want to kill me because I don’t really believe we’re the ‘best’ country in the world? … You want to kill me, you boogeymen and women, you worshippers of tits, ass, and beefcake, you snivelling, vomitus, kike-, nigger-, towelhead-, and wetback-hating, faggot-fearing colostomy bags of humanity?”
Hey Sean, it’s actually possible to critique Trump and racial issues without dropping slurs like you got a bulk deal on them at Costco. And somehow, that’s not even the worst part.
4
Shockingly, Sean Penn Might Have Some Issues With Women
Penn has a long history of alleged domestic abuse, and while I’m not saying that he has issues with women, he seems to be saying that himself. Bob’s ex-wife is described as a “chubby fuckin’ redhead whose ghost still whorishly haunts his bed.” In reference to a black woman Bob had a crush on, Penn writes: “He thought of her beauty and the lure of her shaved and shapely cinnamon sticks standing at the trailer’s screen door.” Oh, and here’s what he has to say about women with the audacity to destroy America by using makeup: “Had she traded the mythology of her modesty for cosmetic self-awareness? Getting older in America is tough on a woman; seeing what she’ll do to avoid it is tough on a man.”
Then there’s Bob’s girlfriend, Annie, whose traits include being great at taking dick from Bob and really liking Bob. She has no personality, no desires, no opinions. What we do know is that “She may have even been too young. But Bob never bothered himself with those distinctions.” And when Annie writes Bob a note, she signs it: “My love and vagina (on your team).”
Other female characters include a bad young mother, a volunteer who gets drunk on the job, a waitress who is described as an “undernourished nymphomaniac,” and a “lesbo-leaning lunatic” who almost shits herself. There’s also an “awful chimera” who does shit herself while falling overboard and getting eaten by “fifty frenzied sharks (adios, amiga),” in one of several instances of Penn using violence against women for comedy. I think I’ve discovered Penn’s fetish, and it’s women getting hurt and shitting themselves. If you aren’t already turned off, allow me to forever ruin sex for you with Penn at his most sensual:
What a magical vagina, Bob thought, after exploring it for hours.
“Good vagina. Maybe more Vietnam.” (Note: “Vietnam” is what Penn calls pubic hair.)
Tedious trickling of cold cunt soup.
Now here’s a fun excerpt from the, ugh, five-and-a-half-page poem that ends the novel:
Where did all the laughs go?
Are you out there, Louis C.K.?
Once crucial conversations
Kept us on our toes;
Was it really in our interest
To trample Charlie Rose?
And what’s with this ‘Me Too’?
This infantizing term of the day …
Is this a toddler’s crusade?
Reducing rape, slut-shaming, and suffrage to reckless child’s play?
A platform for accusation impunity?
Due process has lost its sheen?
Again, there’s no satire here. Other parts of the poem are serious complaints about issues like mass shootings. Penn just got to the end of a novel that he clearly took less time to write than most people spend crafting SpongeBob memes, and spent a half-second thinking, “Hey, what if it was actually bad that a 76-year-old millionaire was fired for repeatedly harassing women?” And then he zooms on, like a philosophical hit and run. He wants to offer half-assed commentary on everything he’s ever glimpsed in the news. And that, I think, is because …
5
Sean Penn Desperately Wants To Sound Smart
The New York Times called Penn’s book “a riddle wrapped in an enigma and cloaked in crazy.” I have a simpler explanation: It sucks. “Riddle” implies that there’s something clever to be gleaned from it. There isn’t. It’s public masturbation. Penn quotes and references Herodotus, Norman Mailer, Inmar Berman, Jack Kerouac, Phil Ochs, Albert Camus, and more, because like your most annoying Facebook friends, he thinks that knowing the names of smart people makes him smart by proxy.
This garbage has been declared to have “almost immeasurable charm” seemingly solely because it calls Donald Trump fat. The very fact that it was published at all is the ultimate example of grading on a curve. Sean Penn is a celebrity, so of course we have to put out his inanity. Penn took the bold political stance that ha ha, Trump has a small penis, so of course it’s provocative. Even some of the many people who slammed it still called it things like “brave” or a misfired statement. It’s not, and it isn’t. That Penn sees this book as some kind of bold statement against branding is the height of hypocrisy and arrogance. This book is on shelves only because Sean Penn is a “brand.”
I realize the irony here, that I’m contributing to the attention that Penn is getting. But this isn’t just a critique; it’s a warning. Don’t buy this book because Sarah Silverman called it a “masterpiece.” Don’t buy this book out of morbid curiosity. Taunting notes sent by serial killers have contributed more to American culture than this book ever will, and the only productive thing we can do is ignore it like it’s an attention-seeking child. If I still haven’t convinced you, here’s what Sean Penn has to say after a scene in which a helicopter crushes a woman:
“As for Helen Mayo, they did Sikh and find remains. Get it? Sikh! Get it???”
I know you’ll do the right thing.
Mark is on Twitter, and has a book with a better rating than Penn’s.
Guess we’d be remiss not to link you to where you could purchase the book, so here it is if you really want it.
Support Cracked’s journalism with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
For more bizarre celebrity literature, check out I Read Steven Seagal’s Insane Novel So You Don’t Have To and 6 Ugly Things You Learn About Donald Trump Reading His Books.
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