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hotchley · 4 years

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“i think, deep down, we’re all capable of unspeakable things”

morehotchcontent day six: rocky relationship (kinda forgotten anniversary/a big fight)

tagged: @ablogofthecriminalmindsvariety

she knew just what marriage meant to aaron. he’d grown up in south virginia, where tradition was everything. where marriage was everything one could ever hope for. she had grown up in brighton, where people really did not give a flying fuck about any of that. it had never meant much to her, but to aaron it meant everything.

his proposal was so much more than a proposal. it was the final sign that he’d moved on from haley. that he truly loved her. and a part of him would always love haley, there was no point in saying he wouldn’t, but this- this was him saying thank you, i love you, i won’t leave, i trust you, i want to see you in the morning and make you my own all at once.

“i can’t marry you,” she whispered.

keep your tissues handy. that’s all i’m saying.

warnings: implied/referenced child abuse, references to george foyet, mentions of minor character death, cheating

read on ao3!

Everyone viewed Aaron Hotchner as cold and emotionless. Someone who was constantly stoic and unattached, who saw the horrors that came with the BAU and didn’t even flinch. But what most of them didn’t realise was that the man they saw at work and in the field wasn’t Aaron. That man was Hotch. He knew how to compartmentalise, how to pretend that he wasn’t falling apart, how to keep the tremble out of his voice when all he wanted to do was fall apart.

Aaron was a different man. Aaron would play pretend with his son for hours on end, just to keep him happy and make him smile. He woke up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily as his body shook and tears streamed down his face as the monsters of his day haunted his night. He would dance with Penelope because he could never say to her.

He was a helpless romantic.

Eleanor- Ellie to her friends, and SSA Birch to local police departments- knew this first-hand.

She had first met Aaron Hotchner during the liaison programme with Kate Joyner. Kate had been unimpressed by everyone there, because the last time she’d done it, they’d all acted like they knew so much better than her. Eleanor had met Aaron first, and immediately wondered where everyone like him had been when Kate first did it.

Because Aaron was lovely. He held doors open, he listened, he smiled at everyone, and he phoned his girlfriend- not his wife, even though they’d been dating since high school and he was now twenty-eight- during every single break they had, regardless of the time difference.

Then she’d fucked up and kissed him. They had both been drunk. A case had gone shit, and she needed something good. But then he called her Haley. And she’d immediately sobered up. He had looked at her with such shame that she almost cried. For some reason, she knew his passcode. The moment he ran to the bathroom to throw up the alcohol, she unlocked it. Phoned Haley. Said that her boyfriend was going to blame himself for what had happened but it wasn’t him it was her.

And Haley… had been lovely. She’d said that she knew Aaron loved her. And that Eleanor seemed like a lovely person but she understood that need for comfort. Eleanor had wondered how people were still so good. She didn’t tell Aaron about the phone call. He left the next day. The programme was finished. She thought that would be the end of it.

Then she transferred over to the BAU. She hadn’t known he was Unit Chief. David Rossi did her interview. It was incredibly awkward at first. She wasn’t used to hiding from her teammates but Aaron had panicked when he first saw her and started pretending he’d never seen her. Her only option was to play along. Haley had just left him at this point.

Kate Joyner obviously recognised her. That was a conversation she never wanted to have again. She thought she’d jeopardised both her place on the team and her dynamic. Then Kate died, Hotch lost his hearing temporarily and she was the only person that Reid would let touch him after the fiasco with Benjamin Cyrus.

She liked Spencer. He was almost like the son she never had.

It was Eleanor that had stayed behind with Aaron after Haley’s funeral and dealt with the phone calls. She told herself it was because she was trying to be a good person and repent for what she had done. Truthfully it was because she knew he was going to fall. And she didn’t want the burden of catching him to fall to the others who had already supported him through so much- Adrian Bale, Vincent Perrotta, Haley leaving.

They’d been getting to a good place. Not quite dating, but not quite friends. She knew he was watching her; there was a reason she was a profiler. He knew she still loved him, but he was grieving Haley. It wouldn’t be fair to her if he suddenly changed their whole dynamic.

But then he faked Emily’s death and it was like they were right back at square one: she would undermine everything he said because she was angry, and he was there, and it was easy to blame him. Her emotions had always been her greatest strength and her fatal flaw.

And then he’d turned up at her apartment, soaked through from the rain, eyes wide and glistening with unshed tears. She’d been too shocked to close the door on him. He’d immediately started rambling about how he couldn’t live the way he was, and how he just needed to know that she trusted him because everything was falling apart and he just needed her.

Not knowing what else to do, she’d kissed him. It had been messy, and wet, and nowhere near as romantic as either of them liked to pretend it had been. But it had been their first actually sober kiss, so it held a special place in her heart. And after that, it was like everything just fell into place.

Which led to the present moment. She knew what day it was. She knew her present to him was still safely tucked away in the bathroom behind her pads and his spare shower gel which he wouldn’t need for another twenty days. She knew he was excited, because for once, he could guarantee that he would be home.

After his surgery, he realised that he couldn’t keep doing what he was doing because sooner or later it was going to kill him. He hadn’t wanted to place the burden of keeping everyone together on Morgan though. So Emily came back. Her and Dave split the paperwork for lead profiler, and Morgan took over as unit chief. It had been difficult for him, those first few months.

But he’d pulled through, and was now living a much more stress free life as a law professor at the local college. It meant he could go to Jack’s school events and be there for him. It let Jessica have more time to herself.

It also meant he planned nice things for days like these. And Ella knew it was unfair to keep him waiting, but she just couldn’t bring herself to get up and go home, choosing instead to focus on the casefile in front of her. The bullpen was quiet: JJ had her own office and had gone home anyways, Reid had gone to see a piano concert thing- she’d tried her best to follow but had just gotten lost- and Anderson was out of town.

So instead of it being lively and loud, it was just her. And her casefile. Which she’d been looking at for the past ten minutes without any of the information going into her head.

With a groan, she slammed it shut and pushed it away.

“Shouldn’t you have gone home by now?” Dave asked, appearing at either the best or worst possible moment depending on your view, just like he always did.

“Probably. But I just- I can’t bring myself to do it,” she confessed.

Dave sighed. “You need to. Aaron will start to worry if you don’t. And we all already told him that there are no cases, so don’t even think of using the paperwork from that as an excuse.”

She sighed. “You’re insufferable.”

“And you still sound like you grew up in Buckingham Palace.” He picked up the case file. “Nothing’s happened here for six months. I’m sure one night won’t hurt. Now go.”

Eleanor packed her stuff up, giving him a small smile as she closed the door behind her. It immediately faded as soon as she’d turned away from him and her stomach started to twist into knots. She didn’t know if the team knew and weren’t saying anything, or if they were actually following the no profiling rule. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know either.

When she unlocked the front door, there was a distinct lack of noise. It made her feel even worse. Hotch had obviously organised for Jack to go and stay with his grandparents because she remembered that Jessica had a date, which would’ve been awkward enough for him, and here she was, two hours late, not because she’d forgotten, but because she hadn’t wanted to go.

“Hi El,” Aaron said as she entered the living room. He was sat on the couch, reading glasses sliding down his nose as he graded papers. “Just let me write this final comment and then I’m yours.”

“Hi,” she replied, feeling uneasy.

Aaron looked up. “You’re supposed to say: I can’t wait that long and then come over and give me a kiss.”

She rolled her eyes but obeyed nonetheless, legs feeling wobbly as she sat on him, smiling when he let out a soft sound of surprise. She tilted his face so she could kiss him and for the moment where their lips met, everything was fine. Then he pulled away, and she just wanted to get away. But his hand was stroking her hip in a comforting gesture and she wasn’t ready to give that up, so instead she ran her hand through his hair.

“What’s this one about?” she asked.

“They’re supposed to be critiquing and suggesting reforms for the law surrounding murder. I gave them a tonne of advice and access to all the relevant articles but some of them still didn’t even try and word it in a way that sounds like their own essay style,” he said, sighing.

Eleanor smiled slightly and set the paper down on the table. “I’m sorry for being late. But I’m here now. So why don’t you show me how all out you went this year?”

Aaron looked into her eyes and she was once again taken aback by how soft and gentle they were. Sometimes it was difficult to remember that he had once beaten a man to death. She tried to remove that thought from her head. It just was not the time.

“You never have to apologise for being late. I used to do your job, remember?”

She nodded. “How could I forget?”

“Do you want to change whilst I reheat dinner?” he asked.

“Sure.”

Their conversations hadn’t sounded that forced since she had first joined the BAU and had been adding sir onto almost all of her statements in an attempt to rile him up.

As she went upstairs to change into something more casual, she also took the time to wipe off her make-up and splash some water on her face. She only intended to take five minutes. But then she started staring at her reflection, trying to see whether or not her actions were as obvious as she thought they were. But then she became aware of the clock ticking- Aaron hated digital clocks because of the flashing numbers- and realised how long she’d been stood there for.

“I was beginning to worry,” Aaron said. A normal comment. But an invitation to tell him what was wrong.

She shrugged. “It’s our anniversary. And although I technically didn’t forget, I was late and I wanted to make that up to you, which meant going through the wardrobe and finding this dress.”

“The fact that you still say wardrobe will never fail to make me laugh,” Aaron said.

He’d made chicken and mushroom pie. Her favourite. She wanted to be sick. It was just a few hours. She could get through a few hours. Aaron was a half-decent person. He listened when people said no. Then she could go to sleep, and everything would go back to normal. Nobody would know but it wouldn’t hang over her head the same way it was when he was sat opposite her, staring with such adoration.

They ate in relative silence. She didn’t want to explain why she was late. She wanted to let him believe that it was purely because time had gotten away from her and that the meeting she’d had with Cruz about the last case had run over. She didn’t want to explain that she’d deliberately walked slowly so she would miss the train. She couldn’t.

“Your present is something old this year. I hope that’s okay,” Aaron said when they had both finished eating. There was a glint in his eye. One he only got when he was about to do something very romantic.

Eleanor frowned. Something old. Where had she heard that?

He got down on one knee.

She gasped.

“My Ella. You continue to love me day after day and for what reason, I don’t know. We didn’t pass on the best terms. But then you came back into my life when I didn’t even realise I needed you, in this massive explosion of passion and love and hope. You were there for me when I didn’t think I’d be able to survive. And you never once doubted me. I know that I’m far from perfect, and there are times where I get angry instead of being understand. And I know that I’ve upset you, but you helped me realise that as a couple, we don’t have to be perfect. We just have to try. I love you. I love you so much that I can’t even begin to put it into words. So I’ll put it into a question. Eleanor Birch, will you marry me?”

She knew just what marriage meant to Aaron. He’d grown up in South Virginia, where tradition was everything. Where marriage was everything one could ever hope for. She had grown up in Brighton, where people really did not give a flying fuck about any of that. It had never meant much to her, but to Aaron it meant everything.

His proposal was so much more than a proposal. It was the final sign that he’d moved on from Haley. That he truly loved her. And a part of him would always love Haley, there was no point in saying he wouldn’t, but this- this was him saying thank you, I love you, I won’t leave, I trust you, I want to see you in the morning and make you my own all at once.

“I can’t marry you,” she whispered.

The box fell from his hands. He moved back into his chair, hands folded neatly in his lap.

“Okay,” he said.

That shocked her back into awareness. “I- what? You just proposed, I said no and all you have to say is okay?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t know what I want to say. I want to say that Jack won’t have a problem- in fact, he has and always will be my first priority so I wouldn’t have done this without his permission- but you already know that don’t you?”

She nodded. “I do.”

They both cringed at her choice of words.

“If it’s about changing your surname, I may have grown up with traditional views, but you don’t have to do that. Not if you don’t want to. We can combine them. We could be the Hotchner-Birch’s. Or you could just keep your own. I don’t really mind.”

“It’s not that either.”

“Jack isn’t expecting you to be his mother either. He’ll probably still call you El, just like I do.”

“It isn’t Jack.”

“That was my mother’s engagement ring. She gave it to me when I told her I wanted to propose to Haley. She said that hopefully it would bring me better luck than it had bought her. At the time, I hated the damn thing because it had come from my father. So I didn’t give it to Haley. Now I’m older I understand why she gave it to me. So the girl I married would always be able to have a piece of the woman that made me who I am. But if that weirds you out, we can go look for another one.”

“Would you stop being so good and kind for one fucking minute?” Ella snapped, unable to take anymore.

Aaron flinched, even after all the years that had passed. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Ella ran a hand through her hair. “God, no. Please don’t be sorry. This isn’t your fault. None of this is your fault. It’s just- I can’t. I can’t marry you and it’s nothing you have done. It’s got nothing to do with Jack either. I love that kid. And I’m so proud of how far he’s come. But I just- I can’t.”

“You’ve told me that. Multiple times now. Just tell me why. Tell me what happened and we can work through it. Because I love you. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And if anything happens to me, I want custody of Jack to go to you. Not the state.”

Aaron had never told her that before. They’d spoken at great lengths about children and both agreed that they didn’t want anymore. Jack was enough for both of them. And they’d talked about what would happen if for some reason, Ella had to care for Jack for extended amounts of time. But never like this.

He dropped his gaze when he saw the look on her face. “I’m sorry. You just said you don’t want to marry me, and here I am, dropping bombshells like that on you because that awful part of me wants you to feel guilty. Look, whatever you did, what happened, tell me. We can get through it.”

She hoped that he could abandon his morals long enough for her to not have to say the words. “Aaron, look at me. Please. Please, I need you to look at me.”

Tears were already forming in her eyes when he finally managed to meet her gaze.

“No,” he whispered.

He had seen that look twice in his life. Once when his mother turned to his father and asked why a young lady had phoned asking to speak to her husband. Once when Haley’s mobile had rung and she hadn’t been able to provide the reason behind the call. He knew what that look meant. He knew, and he wished he didn’t because he wasn’t sure he could handle it all over again.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I am so, so sorry and if I could take it back, I would but I can’t and all I can do is apologise and say that I regret it and I had never felt worse than in that moment.”

“Who was it? Was it someone I know?”

“God no. They would never.”

“Did they look like me?”

“Why are you asking me that?”

“Because I need to know. I need to know who this man was. I need to know why you were so willing to throw our entire relationship away for one night of pleasure. Or was it more? Has this been going on for a while? Am I just a joke to you? Is that what it is?”

“No! And it was a one-time thing, I swear. It only happened once. And if you really must know, yes. He looked like you. Are you happy now? I don’t want to have to relive that night because it was one of the worst nights of my life.”

“Of your life? I was going to marry you Eleanor. When- when even was this? And why?”

Eleanor’s emotions always got the better of her. “You want to know when? It was that case. That case where all the boys turning up dead and mutilated looked exactly like Jack. Like our son. And then the unsub got away. And I phoned you. I phoned you at least five times that night, but not once did you pick up, because you were at a faculty dinner, even though you promised me that you would always be there, no matter where you were. I needed to hear your voice telling me everything would be all right. I needed you, and you weren’t there.”

Aaron gripped the table tightly, all the colour in his face immediately vanishing. He remembered that night. He too regretted it. When he saw Eleanor’s first phone call, he’d started to excuse himself to answer it, knowing there could only be a few reasons for it. But then one of his colleagues had made a snide comment- one he couldn’t even remember now- and he’d put his phone on silent before tucking it away.

When Dave told him about the case because Eleanor couldn’t, he’d felt like the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He still did. How had he fucked up so badly that Eleanor had slept with someone else?

No. That wasn’t on him. He’d screwed up, but she, and she alone, was responsible for her actions. It had been her decision to sleep with someone, not his.

“So you slept with someone else? Why not go to one of the team and tell them instead? Why did you have to sleep with someone?”

“I don’t know! I can’t explain what I did and I can’t justify it but I- you were the one that said we could move past this. You were the one that said, whatever I had done, we could work out together because you loved me. I still love you. I never stopped, not even when you went back to Haley all those years ago. We could make it work.”

Aaron laughed, but there was no humour. “No. No we can’t. Because that case was a month ago. You had a month to tell me, and you’re only telling me now because I asked you to marry me. What was your plan? Just not say anything till either I worked it out myself or you stopped feeling guilty?”

Eleanor didn’t have a response.

Aaron ran his hands through his hair, tugging it. Ella wanted to pry his hands away from it so he didn’t pull it out but that wasn’t her job anymore. It never would be again.

“I feel like such an idiot. You know, when you first kissed me, my first thought was: don’t do this. Because the first time you kissed me, you knew I had a girlfriend. And I was just as responsible because I didn’t pull away immediately, I know. But you kissed me. And in the back of my mind, I knew that there was every chance you would do the same again. I just never thought you actually would because I thought you’d grown up. I guess you haven’t.”

That was the problem with profilers, Eleanor thought to herself. They always knew exactly where to strike in order to cause the most pain. She just never thought Aaron would be the one doing it to her.

“I’m sorry,” she said, because what else could she say?

Aaron shook his head. “I don’t want to hear you say that anymore. You can- I’ll sleep in the guest bedroom until you find an apartment. But once you have, I never want to see you again. I’ll spare Jack the finer details of what happened, but it’ll be his choice whether or not he carries on talking to you. But never refer to him as your son ever again. He isn’t. Not anymore.”

Eleanor did not want his kindness. She wanted Aaron to make her pay. She wanted him to be angry, to hurl insults at her and tell her to get out, that he never wanted to see her again and that she would never be allowed within six feet of his son again.

But Aaron wouldn’t. He was too scared of what would happen if he lost control. He had been since Foyet. And she could mention that. She could mention every fear, every secret, every dream he’d ever shared with her.

She didn’t. She had already hurt him enough.

“I have friends not too far from here. I’ll pack enough for a week and that should be enough time to sort out something more permanent.”

If Aaron heard her, he didn’t say anything.

It only took her ten minutes to pack, which was one of the advantages of living with him. Everything had to be perfectly organised, which meant it was very easy to find things. When she entered the living room, he hadn’t moved. He was still staring at the ground. The ring was on the floor by the dining table, shining despite the darkness of the room.

It was rather ironic, this thing that had led to so much destruction being so beautiful.

“Goodbye Aaron,” Eleanor said, placing her keys on the coffee table.

Only when the door closed behind her for what would probably be the last time did Aaron Hotchner fall to his knees and sob, for the second woman he had loved and lost and for the mother Jack would never get to have.

#morehotchcontent2020 #day six: rocky relationships #aaron hotchner #aaron hotch hotchner #hotch #hotch x ofc #original characters #original female character #david rossi #jack hotchner #tw child abuse #cheating #angst #criminal minds #criminal minds fic #basically i was tired of hotch always being the one cheating #he wouldn’t do that

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vampiresuns · 5 years

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Musings For After Everybody is Gone

A asoiaf drabble about the friendship of Aelius Anatole Tyrell, Master of Whisperers, and the Late Queen Astaeria, for @starryskylullaby‘s au.

It has always been awfully lonely, being the Master of Whisperers, but when Anatole accepted the position on Valerius’ recommendation he had still been a little too young and a little too overconfident to fully grasp what the it would do to his personal life. Which is to say: leaving it almost non existent. At the time he left High-Garden for King’s Landing, he envisioned himself as some sort of power in the shadows, playing his own game of chess, each piece built upon bits of information.

He left High-Garden, its jests, its parties, the idle studying and the carelessness and free-spirited airs he used to have to follow his uncle and his cousin, and becoming one of the youngest, if not the youngest, Master of Whisperers in Westeros. Of course there still were parties, jests and idle recreations in King’s Landing, but he was intelligent enough (has always been) to soon realise the true weight of his position.

Because he was young, soon he was tried to be manipulated; because he was young, he was often thrown under the carpet, the elders always thinking they knew more. Because his job was to lead the centre of intelligence for the King (a King who did not listen) no one trusted him enough, and he did not trust anyone besides Valerius. The Hand of the King, cousin of his father, was always very close to him, and if anything, was the person who taught him how to survive, who told him “you will be great and I can teach you how to be great.”

He was only 26, and he showed every single person that behind the beauty of his face and his polite mannerisms lied a decisive strategist with his own agenda. Someone you wanted as an ally, never as an enemy.

What nobody told him was how awfully lonely it would be. He often told himself it was alright, of course it was, he was the snake beneath the flowers, the ears no one noticed, the man of the people who swiftly used the most unassuming of labourers and took care of them in return. But the Master of Whisperers had no friends beyond acquiescences — he had people he preferred,and people he almost trusted. He had no partners beyond occasional lovers, no life in the light, beyond a facade of it.

The sunrise rose of High-Garden lived a life in the shadows, beyond the eyes of that blasted dragon, where he talked to himself, he danced by himself, he took himself to bed when the day was done.

In the shadows was where he found her. Of course he did, she was like the moon, and while the moon casts light, while it can be seen during the day, it is not meant to be appreciated if not during the night, when it’s dark, when everything dies to be born again in the morning.

He still remembers meeting Astaeria and Lucerys for the first time, still remembers haughtily telling Valerius if he could not find two more incompetent Targaryens to work with after the meeting ended. It had been after that first meeting in which both of them blindly gave him the position, no questions asked, no knowledge of the workings of Westeros demanded, nothing but blind faith in Dee’s and the Hand’s words.

“A new Master for a new era of Westeros,” Lucerys had said, and that was it.

The Queen had been... quiet. She was incredibly soft spoken and ridiculously polite, reminding him more of a tranquil pond in the middle of the forest than of a Targaryen. He supposed the ‘fire and blood’ should be somewhere beneath all of it, and part of him wanted to test the limits of her patience, to know what he was truly dealing with.

Yet he had been given one look of warning by those sharp grey eyes, and he had let it go. He’d test her later.

There was no need to test Lucerys, he wasn’t particularly discreet about his nature, his way of being, his... anything — he was aware, he often had to check for information of what rumours were circulating about the King and the Palace, so Valerius dealt with them later. Like his sodding babysitter, he often thought. Still, he didn’t hate the King, not quite. He was amusing to watch, fairly fun in parties, but Anatole had been raised to become a high ranking Statesman and anyone who cared enough knew you cannot lead a Kingdom by bread and circus alone. Things eventually collapse, and didn’t they collapse when Asra raised his armies.

(He spoke to him twice, during awful pre-war negotiations. They would’ve been friends in another life time in one where he had them, he thought)

In the end it wasn’t him the one to test her, but the other way around. He had begun spending a significant amount of time in the gardens — they reminded him of home — and apparently the Queen liked to do the same.

He’s too engulfed in his note-taking to notice her coming. Still, he has a role to play so he pretends to be unfazed when she asks him, in her ever so gentle tone, if she could sit with him.

“If you don’t mind me working, then sure, who am I to deny the Queen?”

“Do you ever not work?”

“I’ll let you into a secret if you can keep it, your Majesty, I’m not working, I’m studying... I do a lot of things with my free time, when I have it, it’s just nobody’s business what I do with it.”

“Yours is a double edged position, someone with less faith in your abilities and alliances would dislike that,” she said, giving him a genuine smile. Hers was only a comment, not a threat.

“I am hardly concerned with it,” he lied. “I mean no offence but your majesty, I do not think you have much room to comment on it now.”

“How so?”

“You gave one of the most ‘double-edged positions’, as you called it, in the small council to a complete stranger.”

“You’re not a complete stranger, you’re Valerius’ nephew, and Dee’s cousin.”

“They could be conspiring against you by putting me in this position. They are not, obviously, but it could be a possibility and sometimes I am monstrously amused by the lack of strategic thinking of the Crown... not that the King is incapable of it, he is very capable of it — it simply may be you are more emotional than I am.”

“Don’t we all have emotions?”

“Not I, or at least, it is not my job to have them.”

“I do not believe you to be emotionless,” she says, placing her hand in his shoulder, standing up to leave. “I believe you to be cunning, dedicated and very concerned with the welfare of the people, and I do hope you don’t prove my faith to be misguided.”

Ten months. Ten months he had been in King’s Landing at the time, and the Queen had swiftly undone him in about seven minutes of conversation. Not by games, not by tricks, not by dishonesty, not by letting him fool himself with incomplete yet truthful information.

In his opinion, in his educated opinion, it was an absolute liability to have such an open-hearted, gentle Queen. That it was an advantage to sway public opinion, and something to weaponise if she became the heart of the Nation, the caring sweetheart of the Kingdom, still her emotional honesty could sink all of them in a snap of someone’s fingers if they were not careful enough.

And yet he had thrown his educated opinion through the window when he heard someone make an ill-savoured remark about her age and inexperience. His tongue could be as honey sweet as it could be sharp, and he did not hesitate to simply say: “Age is no guarantee of efficiency.”

For a short time he allowed himself to fool himself with thinking it was a remark in defence of the Queen on the surface, but a reminder and defence move in terms of his position deep down. Yet it was no use lying to himself, he’d sink, so instead he accepted the Queen interested him; of course she did, and for all his flaws and indiscretions Lucerys did love her, so defending the Queen was strategically placing himself in a favourable position with the King.

Thus, Queen Astaeria Sweetstar of Houses Stark and Targaryen became the biggest enigma in King’s Landing to him. This enigma he wanted to unravel for the sake of the game, not because he was his job. He expected a lot of things, some of those he found, while other conclusions he had drawn had been mistaken. Yet the biggest surprise of all was how she became his closest, most dear friend.

With time he became the Queen’s Master of Whisperers, in a way; when she asked why did he always have audiences with her and Valerius before any small council meetings were scheduled, asking if he did not think the King fit for ruling he simply replied that it was not that he thought less of the King, but more of the Queen. As her confidence and agency on the Kingdom grew, his pride in her swelled.

He gave her pearl pendants for her birthday, and for his, she got him a hand crafted chess set. They sometimes visited the city together, and he allowed himself to simply be around her, commenting on things with little transcendence and basking under the sun. They often played duets and danced together, and she enjoyed playing match maker with him, even if she knew it was futile.

“Oh no, Astaeria, you’re not marrying me off, and I will not be married off unless they hold me against a crossbow... maybe. There has been this girl or the other who had caught my attention, but you know as well as I do they’re not my preference,” he shrugged. “I suppose there was someone, when I still lived in High-Garden, but while unions which cannot produce children, or same gendered unions are not prohibited... you know as well as I do that in our circles they’re always dismissed in favours of those which do.”

She had understood, only replying with: “Still, I so very want you to be happy, my dear Anatole.”

“Are you happy?”

She didn’t reply that time. In common silence, he squeezed her hand in the privacy of his office. They have been friends for a handful of years now, and Anatole fooled himself no longer. When it came to Astaeria, he was in it for good. They’d find their small joys in the shadows, dancing a merry tune and toasting to everything that wasn’t, everything they sacrificed for King and Duty.

That year, for her birthday, he gave her her own bush of sunrise roses, his roses. She gave him a dragon-glass rapier.

But now she’s dead. She’s dead and he’s never worn mourning clothes more willingly. She was the sister he never had, the friend he so desperately needed, the one person he had let, willingly, into his private world, where he didn’t concern himself with State matters but with the physics of light, and the tricks he could do with magic. Where they danced in the gardens, and joked around, poking each other with their elbows, and told each others of their homes.

It’s a miracle he survived the battle, it’s a surprise even for himself. It is not a surprise when he’s pushed to the side so Lucerys can cling to her dead body, as if his heart wasn’t broken as well.

Westeros had always been unkind to friendships and men like himself.

#the arcana #the arcana fanfic #the arcana game #fan apprentice #the arcana fan apprentice #the arcana lucio #esther #anatole and esther #asoiaf au #got au #my writing #asoiaf anatole

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serendipityseulgi · 6 years

Text

lilac.

— mark lee

･*:༅｡ the one where mark sees you in for the form of a flower, and that you were undoubtedly the living being of a lilac.

aka, all the meanings of lilacs translated into your love for one another.

purple lilac.

meaning: first love.

The purple lilac symbolizes the emotions of having your first love — which is exactly what you were to Mark.

Not only were you his first love, but he knew you were going to be his last. No one else in this world would be able to replace you and how strongly Mark felt about you.

First loves were a crazy thing.

It could either be the best, or the worst thing. But in the end, first loves were always an incredible experience.

You weren’t Mark’s first crush, nor his first kiss, but you were the first person he had ever experienced such strong feelings for. The first person who he felt his heart race for at the mention of your name, the first person who could make him smile and laugh even after having the worst possible day, the first person he felt like he could truly trust with his entire being.

You were everything to him.

Mark could recall the moment he knew he was in love with you. It wasn’t anything too special, but to him it was incredible, a moment he would never be able to forget.

“Okay so, hear me out.” you exclaim. “I was babysitting Taeyong’s niece right, and she asked me to play MASH with her and I am fully convinced that this shit is a fortune teller.”

“Really, how so?” Mark asked with a laugh, as he stared up at you with amusement. He watched as you brought out the folded piece of paper before seating yourself onto his lap.

“Well, after we came to the conclusion that she’d be living in a mansion with her crush with a pet horse and eleven kids, she insisted that she’d do one for me. And look,” you opened up the paper as Mark glanced quickly at it, seeing the letter ‘H’, the number ‘3′, the word ‘kitten’, and his name circled around the paper. His eyes instantly lit up.

“So we’re gonna get married, have three kids with a pet cat and live in a house together.” he spoke softly, a smile on his face.

“This may be a shitty meaningless piece of paper but I’m keeping it,” you state. “And this might sound really stupid but, I don't know, this gives me a small sliver of hope that this could be our future. I mean, if I was ten and playing this I would’ve been convinced this paper would guarantee my future.”

“Bring this paper out at our wedding. It’ll be a hit with the guests.” he smiled against your shoulder, placing a soft kiss to the skin. “And when our kids are old enough to understand, it’ll make a great story to tell.”

You felt the heat rise to your cheeks, his arms wrapping around your body as he pressed a kiss to the top of your head. This was the moment Mark knew this was it for him.

He was undoubtedly, irrevocably, head over heels in love with you. And although he had already said those three words to you and meant it, right now was the moment he knew he wanted you to be in any future he was destined to have.

“I love you so much.” he uttered softly against you. His statement so simple, yet was enough to send your heart into an absolute frenzy of emotions.

“I love you too Mark.”

You had given Mark the piece of paper to keep, knowing during the times he was away from you he would need something to look at.

Mark kept that paper safe as if it was something so fragile, and so sacred. To him, it was.

This was one of the most significant memories of your relationship with Mark. He often thought about it, whenever he was thinking of you — which to be fair, was all the time.

Sometimes he would need reassurance that he wasn’t the only one who felt the way he did. That you indeed wanted to spend the rest of your life with him as well.

Mark often felt insecure, he wasn’t your first boyfriend, nor were you his first girlfriend. But he always felt like there was someone else out there who could love you even more than he could, or someone who could make you even happier than he did.

But in the end, you always told him the same thing. “Look at that piece of paper, and remember how much that small thing means so much to us.”

And he did.

It was crazy to him how much one person could mean the entire world to him. How every time he looked at you all you had to do was smile at him to take his breathe away, how he found you so breathtakingly beautiful he almost felt like you were unreal, and how the simplest of touches could make his heart clench so much.

You were his first and his last love.

And you were everything and more to Mark.

»»————-————-««

white lilac.

meaning: purity & innocence.

Before you and Mark had gotten together, he thought you were the most pure being he had ever laid his eyes on.

He was astounded at how kindhearted and open-minded you were. That you were possibly one of the most caring, and understanding people he had known in his entire life.

You were the definition of pure.

Everything about you was just so good, Mark was instantly hooked on you.

Despite that fact, he never discredited the fact that you of course had your flaws and had your bad days. But somehow all the positive and amazing qualities about you managed to overlook all the terrible things.

Mark couldn’t describe how much of a great person you truly were. Although you had a very short temper and on occasion snapped at the smallest of things, you were easily redeeming off every good deed you did throughout your life.

Some things were so simple it was often overlooked, but your more grand gestures Mark seemed to really admire. You were constantly going out of your way to help everyone, whether it was a close friend, a family member, or even a stranger you would probably never see again, you never missed the chance to help in every way you could. Sometimes you would disregard your own feelings to put other people before you, allowing them to feel content in themselves. You provided so many people with a sense of comfort and joy, Mark felt like he was the luckiest man in the world to call you his.

“You wanna know why I’m the luckiest person?” he asked suddenly as you looked at him with curiosity.

“Why?” you ask him.

“Because I have you.” he commented, grinning at your now flustered state.

“Oh shut up.” you muttered, blushing softly.

“I mean it though,” he stated, laying beside you on your bed. “You’re the best person I have ever met. I know you’re far from perfect but to me you are beyond that. Everything about you is so great, and I just, I feel like you make me a better person. You don’t realize it, but I notice everything you do, and how amazing you are. And you have such a good heart, I don’t know anyone more incredible than you babe.”

“Okay, that was probably the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.” you exclaim, pressing your lips against Mark’s. “Thank you. That means a lot.”

“I just want you to know how incredible of a person you are.” he whispers, lips slightly ghosting over yours. “And how much I love every single thing about you.”

Mark always had a way with words. He was always saying the most loving words to you, and he always knew how to make you feel special. Those were the one of the the many things that you adored about him.

You of course had thought Mark was the most remarkable human beings you had ever known. He was just as kindhearted as you were, and so wise and understanding. He was someone a lot of people could rely on for support, and he gladly gave that.

But you were Mark’s main focus, and the way he treated you was beyond anything you had ever experienced before. He put you first, always thought of how things would affect you, always took your feelings into consideration.

He wanted to assure that you were 100% content in your relationship, but the truth was, the small things he did for you was what made your relationship so special. You took note of how considerate of a boyfriend Mark was, and aside from the inevitable fights that came along with being in a relationship, Mark still made being with him so worth it.

He too was such a pure soul, and you admired everything about him — that’s what everyone loved about your relationship. How genuinely perfect you two seemed to fit together.

How somehow you both retained such purity and innocence.

Or what was once your innocence.

Before Mark you had never even dreamed of letting another being touch you in that way. Your knowledge was high of such topic, however you yourself was untainted which many of your friends seem to joke about.

But of course, Mark would be the person who would steal your innocence.

But never once could you ever say that you regretted it.

“W-wait wait,” Mark pulled away abruptly from your lips. “Maybe we should stop.”

“Why?” you ask, still straddling his waist, his arms holding your hips down from moving against his.

“I don’t wanna get too ahead of ourselves, you know,” he murmured. “Because if we keep going I might not be able to stop.”

“Don’t stop then.” you exclaim, your lips hovering over his.

“Dont joke about that,” he uttered. “Because I actually won’t.”

“Then don’t stop, Mark.” you whispered, your lips attaching to his once again.

That was enough for Mark to continue, the kiss becoming more heated as you grinded against him. “Fuck wait,” he stilled your hips once again. “Are we actually doing this?”

“Do you want to?” you asked him.

“Do you want to?” he returned.

You let out a breathy laugh, shaking your head lightly. “I thought it was obvious enough.”

“Well, I just don’t wanna make you uncomfortable and if you don’t actually wanna do this we don’t have t-“

You cut him off with a short kiss to his now swollen lips. “I want to.”

His lips once again returned to yours as he pulled down the zipper of your dress before swiftly disregarding the material off your body. He looked at you with hooded eyes and took in the sight before him as his heart hammered against his chest.

He had never seen anyone more beautiful.

He pulled you into him, pressing delicate kisses to the the expanse of your chest, and then onto each shoulder as you shut your eyes in pleasure. Your fingers tangled in his hair as he continued his assault onto your neck and your mind raced wildly.

Before you knew it he was pulling off his shirt and pants, hovering over you in an instant. “I hope you know I’m not doing this because I’m horny.” he whispered against your lips. “I’m doing this because I love you.”

“I know Mark,” you uttered. “I love you too.”

And it was then he pushed himself into you as you revelled at the slight sting but overall pleasure of him inside you. He groaned into your neck, slowly thrusting himself in and out.

The rest of the night was spent with him showering you with a dozen kisses and exclamations of his unconditional love for you. He thanked you for being his first, and for being everything he ever wanted in a lover. You remembered the endearing words he spoke and how you were in near tears because of it. You remembered telling him how he was going to be the only person you ever wanted and no one else could replace the amount of love you had for him.

And although you were no longer innocent, your love for one another remained as pure as ever.

»»————-————-««

blue lilac.

meaning: happiness & tranquility.

Mark’s happiness laid with you.

Always.

Whenever he was with you, whether or not you two were out and about or staying in the comfort of your own home, there was always a sense of contentment with him.

You were his safe place.

Fights rarely happened between the two of you, but even when they did, it only took a few hours at most to recover the minor damage of the situation. Mark needed his happiness with you, because even for just a few moments he could forget about the other stressors in his life and just enjoy the presence of your being.

Because even if he was having a shitty day, and even if he wanted to scream at the world out of pure anger, he knew you were going to be there for him and take it all away.

The instant he saw you he felt tranquil. Calm.

He was at ease as soon as he was with you, and having you beside him was enough to bring him into his happy state once again.

Your friends were constantly in awe at how easily Mark could succumb to you. How all you had to do was hold him and he was putty in your hands. That all his issues could go away in an instant as soon as you were there by his side.

It truly amazed everyone at how much Mark loved you.

“Where the hell are we going Mark?” you ask with a laugh as he opened the passenger door.

“Just get in babe,” he urged quickly. “I had a great weekend planned out. You’ll enjoy this.”

“My boyfriend is essentially kidnapping me and not giving a single clue as to where we’ll be for the next three days, how am I gonna enjoy this?” you question.

“Baby,” he let out a frustrated huff. “Trust me please.”

You sigh before chuckling, kissing his cheek softly. “Okay, I’m sorry.”

You get into the passengers seat as you watch Mark walk over to the driver’s seat. He looks at you and breathes deeply. “I’m just taking you on a road trip to the beach, I missed you a lot and I just want us to be alone for the weekend.”

“I missed you too, and I’m really glad you planned this out for us.” you smile.

For the remainder of the ride he holds your hand, rarely letting go. You notice the way his thumb rubs small circles on your hand, and how warm his feels in comparison to yours.

You can’t help but watch Mark as his eyes focus onto the road ahead. You admire how well the sun hits him just right, the way his eyes glisten, and the very faint smile that tugs at the very corners of his lips. His head slowly moves to the beat of the music and you can only acknowledge how insanely in love you are with him.

Your staring doesn’t go unnoticed as Mark’s lips twist into a smirk. “Babe you’re not that subtle at staring.”

You turn away with a blush as he lets out a soft laugh. “You’re cute you know that.”

“Stop making me blush.” you exclaim in embarrassment, letting go of his hand to hide your face.

At a stoplight Mark turns to you, grabbing your hand once again to intertwine your fingers together as he leans over the console to kiss you. “I love you so much.” he utters and your heart starts to beat wildly.

“I love you too.” you say softly, trying to keep your racing heart at bay.

Despite the many years you and Mark had been together, there was never a single moment that he couldn’t make you flush and make your heart go crazy. Not once did his actions seem to lose its effect on you, and for that Mark held a lot of pride in.

For a few moments no words are exchanged between you and Mark, instead you admire the view outside and how securely Mark holds your hand. He hums to the faint sound of the radio until he lets go of your hand briefly to turn the volume up.

“Put your head on my shoulderrr!” he sings loudly as you chuckle. “Hold me in your arms..” he looks over to you a grin plastered across his face. “Baby, squeeze me oh so tight..” he winks at you making your stomach flutter. “Show me.. that you love me tooo.” he sings an octave lower.

You laugh, shaking your head at him. “You’re such a dork.”

“Sing with me baby.” he urges, stopping briefly to persuade you.

You sigh but comply anyways as you two sing loudly to the song. “People say that love's a game, a game you just can't win, if there's a way, i'll find it somebody, and then this fool will rush in..”

He turns the volume louder as you two continue belting to Paul Anka, and the beautiful sounds of your laugh fill his ears as he feels the familiar tightness in his chest. His eyes still focused on the road, but he manages to steal glances at you and he loves everything he’s seeing.

From that point on, that song became the most significant song that defined your relationship, and the memory of being in that car with you on that very day was something you and Mark held dearly.

Mark could think of many memories that were filled with happiness, nearly everything the two of you shared was something that he would always remember.

He loved spending time with you, because you always seemed to brighten his mood no matter what. And he loved how easy it was for him to forget every distraction and focus on the euphoric feeling you gave him every time he was with you.

He remembered the day you two had chosen to stay at home for your two year anniversary due to the heavy snow storm, and the look on your face when he placed that shining promise ring onto your finger.

“Okay, so I know our anniversary could’ve been a lot better considering I made a reservation at that new restaurant downtown, and planned for us to spend the night out, but I guess this will have to make due-”

“Mark, I don’t care where we go as long as I’m with you. This is just as good as the restaurant.” you assure causing a small smile to form.

“Well, in my opinion I still think you deserved something better, but anyways, I have something that’ll make up for it.” he exclaims as you raise your eyebrows in curiosity.

“What is it?” you ask.

“I have a speech first.” he announces. “Don’t laugh at me though.”

“I won’t.” you manage to stifle a chuckle.

“Okay well then, here goes,” he exhales. “I uh, I wrote this whole thing on my notes but I can only remember parts of it so I’m sorry if this sounds stupid and messy. But, I just want to say that you mean a whole lot to me. You’re the love of my life, and I know we’re still kinda young but I genuinely do believe that. And I know we may not last forever, but I really hope we do. Because I want to marry you someday, and be the father of your children, and have the family we both dreamed of having. But right now, I’m just enjoying every time we spend together, because every second I’m with you makes me feel like the world is perfect. And you are the best person I have ever known, and fuck, I just want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world. You make me a better person, and you do so many things for me that I am so fucking grateful for. And I just want to promise an endless amount of love and happiness for you that I will work hard to give you all the time because that’s what you deserve. I promise to love you till the end of time-”

“-And you’re crying, oh my god, I’m sorry! Was it that bad? I’ll stop!” he panics but you wipe your tears away and grin at him, tackling him into a hug.

“No you idiot, I’m crying because, I just love you a lot, okay?” you hiccup, feeling the pad of his thumb brush your tears away. “And that was so fucking cute.”

He smiles at you, hugging your body tightly to his. “I have one more thing babe.”

He brings out a small blue box with a bow tied around the top, taking the lid off as your eyes widen in surprise. You gape at how gorgeous the ring was as you watch your boyfriend bring the band over to your left ring finger with shaky hands. He places it slowly down your finger before pressing a long kiss to your hands. “Happy anniversary baby.”

As he promised, Mark really did give you endless happiness. And you did the same for him. Both your efforts made every moment of your relationship worth everything, and the love you had for one another seem to grow more and more each day.

»»————-————-««

magenta lilac.

meaning: love & passion.

You and Mark rarely got into fights, but when you did they were always rather messy and dramatic. Your arguments never really consisted of petty things that you two would get over in a few hours, no, they were a lot worse than that.

It was usually filled with insecurities, doubts, and fears.

Although Mark loved you a lot, and trusted you with everything in him, he was wary of other people and the way they acted towards you. There was no doubt you were attractive, and because you had been committed to Mark for many years, countless men would try and break your loyalty hoping to corrupt the happiness that laid in your relationship.

Mark was insecure that he would lose you to somebody better, considering he had always thought there was someone out there who would make you happier than Mark ever could.

He was always quick to voice his insecurities to you, and you always reassured him that he was the only person in your eyes. You couldn’t believe that Mark could ever belittle himself like that because he made you so incredibly happy that it was almost unreal.

Though Mark still felt the opposite sometimes.

You and Mark faced similar problems, tons of girls would continuously throw themselves at your boyfriend. The fact that he was tied down to one girl for so long made him all the more tempting in their eyes. You never worried too much, because you knew about his immense love for you, and though there were times you doubted that, you knew better than to let your insecurities get the best of you.

You managed to control your fears better than Mark did.

“Mark what is wrong with you?” you ask in annoyance, grabbing onto his arm firmly.

“Nothing’s wrong, will you let go of my fucking arm please.” he exclaimed passive-aggresively as you loosened your grip in surprise at his harsh tone.

“What the fuck is your problem?” you question. “Why are you acting like this?”

“I’m not acting like anything, go back to your friends I don’t have time for this right now!” he seethed as he walked away from you.

You gaped at him as you watched his figure grow smaller and smaller in the distance until you finally lost sight of him. You let out a frustrated groan as you walked back inside the venue.

You sat down, mind wandering to what you could have potentially done wrong. You rationed with yourself that Mark was acting this way for good reason, because he never got angry with you without a rational explanation.

You remembered walking into Taeyong’s party, a multitude of his friends already intoxicated and laughing wildly among themselves. Mark held his arm around your waist protectively as you two walked side by side to find Taeyong.

The party was going well and Mark seemed to be enjoying himself, grabbing a drink himself while conversing among his friends. With your knowledge and a promise to return in a few moments he had walked off with Donghyuck and Lucas for a game of beer pong.

You began talking to Joy, catching up with your friend and sharing a few jokes before feeling a hand tap lightly on your shoulder. You turned around in surprise once coming face to face with your ex-boyfriend.

“Hey Joy, mind if I talk to y/n for a moment?” he asked politely.

“Yeah of course, I’ll catch up with you later y/n.” she smiled at you before standing up from her seat and sauntering off into an unknown direction.

You felt your throat tighten as you nervously bounced your leg up and down, your ex placing his hand on your thigh in an attempt to calm you down.

“Long time no see.” he teased lightly, but you couldn’t muster up a single thing to say. “I haven’t seen you in so long. How long has it been? A year?”

“Two actually.” you clarify, though you showed obvious disinterest in your conversation.

“Well how have you been?” he asked.

“I’ve been great, thank you.”

“Ah really? You seemed pretty devastated the last time I saw you.” his failed attempt at trying to lighten the mood only seemed to make you grow more angry.

“That’s because I found out you were cheating on me.” you snap. “I need to go.”

“Wait, y/n.” he stopped you suddenly. “I need to say some things to you.”

“Make it quick please? I need to go find my boyfriend.” you emphasize as he looked taken aback at your statement.

“You have a boyfriend now?” he asks.

“Yeah, for two years now.”

“Oh, wow,” he utters. “Well, look, I don’t know if this will change anything between us, but I miss you a lot. And, seeing you for the first time made me realize how much I love you, and all the time we spent together. And I get it, you have a boyfriend now, but, if there’s any way we can start things over, I’d really like that.” as he massaged your thigh.

And you backed away from in an instant. “You’re fucked if you ever think I’d want to be with you again.”

You walked away quickly trying to find Mark in the sea of people, and that was when his attitude toward you turned sour. You sighed realizing that, maybe he had seen what happened, and the inappropriate way your ex had been acting towards you. You got up from your seat, intent on trying to find Mark and clear up the problem.

“Have you seen Mark?” you asked Lucas and Jungwoo, interrupting their conversation.

“Last time I saw him he went upstairs to Taeyong’s room. Said he needed to lay down for a few minutes.” Lucas answered.

“Okay, thank you!” you exclaim, rushing out of the kitchen, pushing past all the drunken people who seemed clueless to their spatial surroundings. You practically ran up the stairs before bursting into Taeyong’s room to find your boyfriend laying on the bed with a pillow in his arms.

“Babe,” you say softly, shutting the door quietly before walking over to him.

He glared at you as he turned away, his back facing you. “I know what you saw downstairs but-”

“Look, if you still like him then you have every reason to be with him. I won’t stop you.” Mark interrupted.

“Why would you ever think that I would want to be with him over you?” you sighed.

“I know how much you liked him, and I know even after he cheated on you and broke your heart you still missed him. I know, because I was there, y/n! When we were still friends I knew how much you liked him.”

“Exactly Mark,” you say. “I liked him. A lot. But I love you.”

“Didn’t you love him too?” he asked, turning his head over his shoulder to face you.

You shook your head. “No way.”

“You’re just lying-”

“You were my first love. And my only love. I liked him a lot yeah, but I never loved him. I had feelings for him, but nothing compares to the way I feel about you Mark.”

“I just, I feel like I’m not good enough for you.” he admitted with a heavy sigh. And your heart broke upon hearing him confess such a thing. “Like yeah, I know you love me, but sometimes I get scared that one day you’ll just see me and realize that you could do better. And I’m not saying your ex is better, because fuck, I would never cheat on you, but, maybe there’s someone else. And I just freak out, and I don't mean to take it out on you, but you just, god, I just love you a lot and it scares me that someday you won’t feel the same anymore and just leave.”

You let out a shaky breath, wrapping your arms around Mark’s body. “I can promise you that’s never going to happen. No one else is better than you Mark. You deserve me as much as I deserve you. And that’s a whole lot because you’re an incredible person, and you are my literal soulmate. I swear to god if you ever feel like this again just talk to me okay? Because it breaks my heart that you’d even think about this in the first place.”

“I’m sorry, babe.” he turns around completely to face you. You see the tears forming in his eyes and you press your lips softly to his forehead. He buries himself into the crook of your neck, and he cries softly. You feel the tears on the skin of your neck and you can’t help but hold him tighter.

Though Mark is a lot bigger than you, he feels so fragile and broken in your arms. “I love you, okay Mark? Don’t worry about me leaving you, or that I’d ever stop feeling the way I do now. When you promised me you’d love me till the end of the time, that goes the same way for you okay? I will love you forever, Mark. I promise you that I always will.”

And he believed that.

Your love for one another was a beautiful thing. Not only was it your first, and pure and tranquil, it was passionate.

It was a strong and barely controllable emotion that you two had only ever experienced with one another.

You and Mark were many things, but that was made everything about you guys perfect. All the hardships and problems you two faced, alongside the countless moments filled with happiness and content, your relationship was what everyone could describe as true love.

And as beautiful as it was, it was often compared to the beauty of a flower. One flower to be exact. A lilac; and in all forms of the lilac, this was the flower that defined your relationship, and the way Mark felt about you.

#yo i did not know how to end this lmao #mark lee #nct mark #mark lee scenarios #mark lee imagines #mark x reader #mark angst #mark fluff #nct #nct dream #nct 127 #nct u #nct imagines #nct scenarios #nct reactions #kpop #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #kpop reactions

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davidmann95 · 7 years

Text

i saw a stars war

First movie the family’s been to at the new theater since we moved, and thankfully it was up to snuff - even the 3D worked, and I had not initially been wild about the only showing we could workably get to being in that format.

I don’t have a review as such, just disconnected snippets of thoughts that’ll go into spoiler territory below the cut, but this was a really damn good movie. Great performances, juggled a lot of plot incredibly effectively, gorgeous, exciting, bold, and with some frame-worthy shots. I have no doubt Abrams’ll pull it all together just fine for IX to finish it off, but now I’m much more enthused at the prospect of Rian Johnson having a trilogy entirely to himself after this sequestered in its own physical and narrative territory from the series up to this point.

* Great as Rey, Finn/Rose, and Poe’s individual plots were, I feel like they didn’t completely dovetail thematically; there were linkages, with the idea of saving over destroying between Finn/Poe and fallen idols in Rey/Finn, but it didn’t totally feel like a whole. Even a touch self-contradictory, with the fire of youth leading them astray being the issue in one plot, while it’s the old fogeys not understanding that their problem is they need to hand over the reigns in another. That said, I expect that’s in large part a consequence of this being the middle chapter of a trilogy and hope Abrams will be able to resolve it, though it’s by no means a ruinous flaw even if he doesn’t.

EDIT: On second thought, there is a pretty consistent theme: we ALL make terrible mistakes, the difference is if we try and become better (Poe reassessing his priorities, Finn realizing he needs to fight rather than flee the First Order even in a morally murky galaxy, Rey getting her head straight in general on the Force and realizing there's never gonna be a partner/mentor/parent out there who'll be able to comfortably place her where she needs to be, Luke realizing his flaws don't need to be the eternal flaws of the Jedi as a concept) or keep doing the same shit (Ren breaks free of his restraints, but only so he can double down even further).

* Speaking of the Finn/Rose plot (and I do like her role in things here, even if I have a bad feeling she was written if not outright conceived at least in part to diffuse the chemistry between Finn and Poe ala the 50s Batwoman being a response to Wertham), who’d have expected a main Star Wars movie basically telling us to eat the rich - or at least run them over with their own space-horses - because capitalist war profiteers enable imperialism? Neat.

* Leia getting to be a literal space princess was bomb, but what the hell are they going to do without Carrie Fisher? The deaths of Han and Luke at Kylo Ren’s hands were clearly setting up her confrontation with her son to complete the set in the finale, and now it’s just hanging. The filmmakers are by no means totally screwed, they have time to figure it out, but I do not envy whoever has to decide how The Finale Of The Biggest Series In The World is going to work now that they’re tragically missing one of its guaranteed, foundational key components.

* Luke’s grand cock-up worked really well for me on a character basis; it’s the same moment as when he lost his shit against Vader when Leia was threatened with corruption and he needed to recollect himself, except this time there wasn’t a chance to backtrack. Ultimately going out to the sight of two suns as on Tatooine was a nice touch too, and Hamill brought it here as much as I figured he would. On that note, while we got his moment of truth when he turned against the Jedi, still relatively little idea as to what prompted Kylo Ren to villainy beyond a general lust for power, unless you take Luke’s peek into his head as a sign that he was simply always fundamentally unbalanced. TFA seemed to imply he saw his rejection of the light as something akin to a moral imperative, and I hope IX fleshes it out just a touch more, even if there’s no need to overexplain it either.

* Not what I’d expected with Rey’s parents even if it was my second guess - I figured they’d be rando merc’d Jedi pupils to invert the Empire reveal ( “I didn’t kill your father, I am your father”/“I’m not the family you probably expected me to be, I killed your family”) - but this definitely works.

* Snoke’s beautiful, ridiculous, comfy, louche-ass dictatorial lounging robe! Ruined! And Snoke got diced too, courtesy of the same twist that undid the villain in the superhero episode of Rick and Morty (this “I am your father”-level kicking-over of the table being of course the one thing I’d been spoiled on, because the internet is bullshit). Some are pissed we’ll now probably never know what his deal was until some tie-in novel fleshes it out, but truthfully: who gives a damn what his deal was? Much like the Emperor before him, he was clever and powerful and bad, and that was all that mattered about him; dancing that dance again would’ve been redundant in the extreme, there was clearly nothing much of substance to him worth spending time spelling out (aside from whatever his longterm plan was, which would’ve been inevitably doomed to fail anyway) given the visibly arch nature of his villainy even in The Force Awakens, and he was too powerful to ever be taken in a direct fight by our heroes sans Luke, if even he could do it. So why not take an RPG to the structure of these movies as they’d been built up to this point, and throw the enemy camp - and the endgame prospect of the entire series - into as much confusion and disarray as the heroes are left in? Suddenly, just as Kylo Ren seems to have sincerely committed to being the bad guy to the end of the line, he’s actually managed to win it all right off the bat, but at the price of having to *manage* it all as it’s falling apart when he has no clue what the hell he’s doing and everyone knows it.

* Rey and Poe going “oh dang, we’re 2/3rds of the new main trio but we haven’t met yet two movies in! Hi!” was nice. Was I alone in getting a sense of it being framed as them liking the sight of one another? I wouldn’t especially be rooting for them to be paired together at the last minute - especially given, again, I feel like it would be partially in response to Finn/Poe’s popularity and a simple attempt at pairing everyone off Very Heterosexually, with Rey in TFA and the rest of this movie mostly just doing her own thing minus any relationship business - but Daisy Ridley and Oscar Isaac are also both ridiculously gorgeous people, so I wouldn’t complain either.

* I love Porgs, they're great, and Chewie fucking ate one in front of its friends, and all's right with the world.

#Star Wars: The Last Jedi #Star Wars #Rian Johnson #Rey #Luke Skywalker #Kylo Ren #Snoke #Poe Dameron #Finn #PORGS #Opinion

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muthaz-rapapa · 7 years

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A few thoughts about KiraPuri Ep. 8...

Another long post. I’m sorry. -.-;

It was good episode. Very good episode.

But I hope I wasn’t the only one who was a little disappointed that last week’s preview tricked us into thinking this would be about Ichika bossing the others around and through that, mess up the camaraderie they’re supposed to be forming. Which would then be followed by everyone deliberating what to do to solve this problem and what Ichika has to do to correct her wrongs. Or something along those lines.

Again, how things played out was in fact, a lot better than putting Ichika in the main spotlight like how it was for the past seven weeks. Now everyone has a part in putting this team together, finding ways to work with each other and so on. Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for a better end to the ‘introductory arc’, where we often see the lead Cure taking charge more than the others.

Because I’m aware that it’s kinda necessary to have the them establish themselves into their leader roles that way (by being energetic and encompassing) so I’m willing to let that slide as far as the first 10 episodes go.

However, I still think it would’ve been interesting to see a flaw (any flaw) of a Pink Cure be portrayed in a negative light.

Mostly because I feel that a lot of times any aspect of the protagonist, even the very less than ideal ones, would rarely be displayed so badly that it would alienate the other characters or viewers from her.

For example, even if she was incredibly selfish and jumped into something without consulting her team members first, the plot would conveniently bend over to accommodate what she wants and then find some cheesy way to justify how ‘right’ she is or beautify her to such an extent that it leaves no room for argument against her. Then nobody would have a chance to call her out on her faults so that she can learn to fix it herself. Whether by virtue of her ‘purity’ or whatever glorified trait she possesses, it’s almost always guaranteed to turn out her way.

That’s one of the major reasons why I had so much difficulty tolerating Cure Flora in Go!Pri. As well as many other hero/heroines in other series and genres but those in Precure, especially, because this franchise seldom operates outside its usual formulas.

Maybe I’m not talking much sense but… it’s just this bothersome feeling I can’t help having on how the writers do their characterizations. Like, don’t just gloss stuff over all the time. Give me their ugly sides, give me unsettling confrontations between friends, give me something that won’t allow me to let her live it down but can also allow me to totally accept it as part of the composition of her character. Because that’s what going to flesh her out. She’ll be more of a person and less of an stereotypical image on paper. Flaws make a person a person.

Yea, yea, I do realize I might be thinking too deep into a children’s show but hey, since I invested myself in watching it, then it’d be dumb not to wonder about these things.

*sigh* Well, anyways, it’s a good thought exercise to have, nonetheless. And it’s still very early in the game for Kira Puri so maybe we will see some clashing development like that later on. Only the next 40 something episodes will tell.

Moving along!

I’m glad Yukari brought up the question on whether it’s true that “everyone” wants to open up this patisserie shop.

It implies that the lot of them might just be pulled in by Ichika’s enthusiasm and the fact that they are all Precure rather than being genuinely interested in participating because they want to.

Akira, in particular, is indirectly called a bit of a pushover which isn’t hard to see why since she often pampers her sick sister so that habit might have extended to their group where the majority of them are still in middle school. In other words, Akira has no will or opinion of her own. She just goes along with the flow to appease everyone and she’s being called out for it.

Yukari isn’t trying to be mean but it’s a question that really needs to be asked because lemme tell ya, starting and managing a business is no fucking stroll in the park. It takes a lot of time and effort and in this case, manpower, to get it off the ground and running.

If nobody but Ichika is 100% sure of really devoting themselves and a good portion of their schedules to this project out of their own volition or desire, then the patisserie is not going to succeed.

Thankfully, they all realize they do in the end but again, I have to say this because Toei is giving too many unrealistic expectations on what it’s like to run a shop. As a working person, I can’t just sit by and not say anything about it.

Another thing that got me concerned was how time management or store hours never entered their conversation and likely never will after this point even though it’s a super important discussion that you must have with your employees.

Because Precure universes have a weird sense of time in general but Kira Puri takes the cake in that I see these girls lounging around town and baking at the patisserie more than doing anything else that they should be doing. Like going to school, doing extracurricular actives, etc. I get that this season doesn’t prioritize those things but then…HOW do they make it work? It’s not like they have a fully-fledged, nontransparent and non-creepy adult to oversee the place when they’re not there.

Also, considering that 3 out of the 5 of them already had other commitments to attend to before the patisserie idea came up, it’s a surprise that nobody mentioned them until the very end of the ep. And even more of surprise when Ichika seems so shocked by it so you kind of wonder how self-absorbed she really is to forget stuff like that about her friends so quickly.

I’m sorry for dragging out these gripes of mine but honestly, things can’t possibly go so smoothly like what I’m seeing here. Not to mention, I hate the fact that they brought this up for comic effect when in hindsight, it’s really not something you should be laughing about.

So I hope at some point later in the season, there will be scheduling and commitment conflicts. Everybody might be on board now since they just finished setting the place up and all but when business is booming (I’m guessing it will anyway) and Ichika needs all the help she can get, how will they deal with it when the others can’t spare the time for the shop?

Anyways, while I do make too much of a big deal out of kid’s show, I also know that that’s not the objective of this episode.

The point of this episode was to see if the girls could learn to cooperate with each other. Cuz that absolutely had to happen first otherwise KiraPati would never have been set up.

And since it was set up, obviously they did find ways to work together.

Which introduces new pair dynamics as well.

We already got a good feel of Ichika + Himari + Aoi and Yukari + Akira based on grouping them by age. Plus Ichika + each Cure in their respective scenarios.

But it’d be boring if it was always limited to those so it’s high time that interactions not involving Ichika was finally delved into.

For Himari + Akira, you can see the relationship as that of an older sibling and younger sibling (cuz duh, this is Akira we’re talking about).

Tol and smol. Cute. <3

But you can also see them as marketing partners, too.

Akira, who’s already been assigned as KiraPati’s main garçon, attracts customers and investors with that welcoming, charming demeanor of hers, making it easier to lower their guard so she can pitch their ideas to them.

Meanwhile the more knowledgeable Himari backs up their proposals with the extensive details, showing how serious they are about their business and assuring people that they will be putting the resources they receive to good use.

It’s very encouraging to watch as they naturally come to bounce off each other in that respect.

Then we have the creative pair. The cool feline pair.

Stylish Mama Cat and Rockstar Lion Cub pair.

Their job is interior design cuz you want your customers to enjoy themselves in a nice setting under a pleasant atmosphere after all, right?

Yukari certainly got the aesthetics for the store down and Aoi, being an artist in her own right, most likely agrees with the concept she came up with. So it’s just a matter of organizing everything up to scale.

And of course, they do.

Yukari makes efficient use of Aoi’s muscle to help her set up the decorations and furniture. Not a space wasted but not too cramped (yes, I wouldn’t put it pass Yukari to be an expert on feng shui, lol).

And Aoi, well, it’s just scary how she manages to throw everything into the right spots with such precision (moral of the story: don’t mess with Aoi cuz she will kick your ass).

To think they were in such a messy state the day before but they can all come together like this and make that much progress in such a short amount of time.

It’s great. Their strengths complement each other well and they’re being productive about it.

It’s just great. ^^

Last but not least, the moment of crowning.

While it’s still debatable if the current Ichika is qualified enough to be a steady manager who puts a 14-year old in charge of a store? AND the cook (oh boy…), there’s no doubt that she definitely did earn her title as the leader of the group.

Ichika was the one who brought them together. She was the one who made the decision to use this space provided to them for a cause. She was the one who wanted to bring something good to others and get them to smile from the sweets they’ll serve.

She may not have Himari’s brains or Aoi’s strong arm or Yukari’s calmness or Akira’s maturity. And it’s true that she’s reckless and clumsy all over the place.

But it’s indisputable that she’s got the heart needed to make all this possible.

And that, I think, is the most critical element in sustaining their patisserie. You gotta have the intention to make people happy. There’s no other way you can open a business without that.

So it’s only fitting that Yukari would be the one to christen Ichika with the important position of manager. Because throughout this whole fiasco of building a shop together, Yukari was the only one who didn’t lose herself to stress over the situation (duh, this is Yukari we’re talking about).

Why? Cuz she predicted this would happen.

She knew that with the variety of people here, it definitely is possible to open a magnificent patisserie. Them getting off to a rocky start is just a minor bump in the road because no one’s going to do everything perfectly on their first try like how she was with the macarons *gets shot*.

And she knew that Ichika had the potential to live up to the expectations of being manager because Ichika has the determination to see it through.

If she didn’t know those things, she wouldn’t have stuck around to help because then it would be a failure and Yukari doesn’t accept failure. She doesn’t function on something flimsy like a whimsical belief. She has to really know there is a winning result at the end to see this as worthwhile.

(True moral of the story: Kira Puri wouldn’t survive with Yukari. Yukari knows all. They’d be lost without her. This season would be nothing without her. Yep.)

So think about what it means for her to entrust this huge responsibility to Ichika.

“I trust that you won’t bore me so do your best, little manager.”

Yukari, who’s the most capable of them all. Yukari, so capable that she can probably/easily be a better manager than Ichika but chose not to because that would be no fun for her. Yukari wants Ichika to rise up the challenge in overseeing this patisserie.

It doesn’t just imply how much faith Yukari has in Ichika. It also suggests that being manager will mold Ichika into an even better character. All the stuff she’ll have to face as the leader of her team, that is what going to serve as her character development.

And I so hope that is the case here. I really, really do. You’ve got 40 more episodes ahead of you to take this season’s Cures as far as you can, Toei. Don’t disappoint me.

And that’s that, I suppose.

lol, what the hell is bunnycake looking so tired out for? She didn’t do anything while the rest of them were slaving away to construct her restaurant. :P

Now bring on the fillers~

I can’t do this kind of review every week, it’ll kill me. =A=;

#now off to do a post for LWA #I'm so busy ugh #kira kira precure a la mode #usami ichika #arisugawa himari #tategami aoi #kotozume yukari #kenjou akira #pekorin

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craftypeaceturtle · 8 years

Text

HAPPY (incredibly late) BIRTHDAY!

No real relationship, make of it what you will!

Summary: Requested by Anon, it’s Jack’s birthday!

Warning: Nothing.

Note: I know, I know I know this is super late but hey! Better late than never, right? Being honest I forgot about the anon asking for this fic and I wasn’t going to do anything for his B-day anyway hence the weird timing. I mean no offence to anyone!

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Jack quickly busied himself in his parent’s kitchen, first it was to help with the washing up but then he noticed that the floor was a little dusty. But then of course he couldn’t leave it at just that, then he had to wipe down every surface while he also started to think about maybe sorting out the fridge. Well… if you’re going to do the fridge then might as well do all of the cabinets. His ma couldn’t help but watch on with a knowing smile. He always did this whenever he was trying to get his mind off of something.

In truth (and he really didn’t want to sound ungrateful or like a spoiled child) but he expected his birthday to be a little more… busy?

Being 27, he didn’t exactly want to go to Kid’s Kingdom and eat a feast of pizza and jelly while he played pirates with his besties, but he still wanted to do something. Anything! Usually his siblings would all come down, even if it was just for the cake, and his parents would try to make it somewhat different from the other 365 days. But this time apparently both of his brothers couldn’t make it because their families had fallen down from some sickness and his sister was busy doing her work projects and the other sister gave no answer. His parents tried to make it special but just them three alone watching TV wasn’t exactly something… memorable.

He couldn’t help but reminiscence on his previous birthday, he had been visiting America to his parent’s chagrin and his friends made sure to make the day out of it with sweet simple gestures. Still remembering the argument with Mark about how there was no way in Hell he could’ve actually baked the cake himself, he welcomed the timid smile as he swiped his gloved hands over one particularly stubborn splotch of… something on the work surface. It was impossible for Mark to ever create something so amazing!

His ma stood leaning on the doorway leading into the kitchen, she would normally say that she felt guilty that Jack wasn’t really having the best birthday ever but this time she just rolled her eyes. He was probably singing ‘It’s a hard knock life for us’ in his head. Jack’s dad carefully crept out while he was sure she was still watching him.

It was almost time.

1:02:32

Sneaking into the small hut that Jack had once called his home and recording space, his dad rubbed his hands together at the sight that beheld itself to him. With each pathway vigorously inspected, he clutched on to the tin foil wrapped cheese and ham sandwiches he had prepared. He was certain not to starve them before the big reveal.

Once she was sure that her husband had returned from feeding them, she stepped forward and tapped Jack’s shoulder. “As much as I love it when you clean the kitchen, it’s your birthday! Go sit by the TV, we’ve got everything sorted!”

“I know, I j-“

“Nope. Fuck off ya!” His ma playfully grinned as she shooed him away.

“Ma!” Jack finally gave in; he had learned enough times growing up that there was nothing stopping her once she had made a plan. Ever since starting YouTube sitting around felt pointless and guaranteed for him to fidget; Jack had grew accustomed to having something to do right at his fingertips. There was always going to be a thumbnail he could improve or another game he could download and the infinity of comments just begged to be replied to.

That’s what he would’ve done but the internet here was absolute gobshi- I mean poop (no swearing, his parents could never drop the habit of scolding him and his siblings by a harsh yell of ‘watch your language’).

It was only 9pm yet he started to head up to the spare bedroom where he would sleep. Randomly his parents still wanted to carry the tradition of him staying over for at least the night when it was his ‘special day’. He wasn’t about to waste a good couple of hours mindlessly watching the TV flicker and, on the plus side, maybe then he could wake up early enough to make a proper breakfast. That would be nice.

00:59:00:

Oh they couldn’t get any luckier! It was almost like Jack was specifically playing up to their entire charade. Nudging Jack’s dad, his ma felt the coils turning in her head as she whispered her plots to his dad. The idea was pure genius. They are sure to thank Jack for making that opportunity a possibility when he woke up.

As his ma swiftly ran down the road, his dad knocked on the little hut’s door to warn them all of their new plans. There was only one fatal flaw in this all. The scowl tensed his face at the thought of this one simple thing completely ruining everything they had spent the last few weeks working on. No, it wouldn’t fail. That was not a choice right now.

The clouds of Ireland had already choked any trace of sunlight yet coupled with the whipping winds and the icy chill left over from December, the whole place was smothered.

Jack didn’t hear his ma quietly sneaking back inside with a hundreds upon hundreds of bulging bags. Jack didn’t hear their footsteps pitter patter along the creaking wooden floors. Jack didn’t hear the rats crawl around the house.

Jack didn’t hear their watches beep out its time.

00:30:00

However, Jack did hear the incessant beeping of the microwave. Slumping over to his other side did nothing to stifle the sound. He waited… 30 seconds… a minute and a half… three minutes. It was clear nobody was going to see to it. Jack swung his legs over and started to stomp down the stairs. Everyone reacted fast. Despite how his dad had now shut up the microwave, Jack just growled at having come down for nothing and decided to at least grab a drink. Turning the corner, he stopped.

His dad was microwaving a pizza at half nine at night. Thankfully, growing up in the McLoughin household taught him not to question the weird and sometimes (but not usually) wonderful stuff anyone did, he just grabbed his drink and started to heading upstairs while throwing out a lazy ‘goodnight’.

Everyone held their breath until the soft creaks under his each footstep vanished into the guest bedroom. The plan was slowly running out of time…

00:13:28

The room bustled silently. Not one word was dared whispered as the idea was added to the main plan, they would’ve had a lot more time to spare if they just stuck to the original but truly they believed this to be worth the extra hassle.

00:00:01

The obsessive loud attention stealing thoughts began to simmer as Jack nestled further into the gentle safe space the bed happily supplied and the dark cloaked the room so no intruder could ever find their way through. Cars occasionally drove past with the soft rumble being the only thing that dared to enter the room not that Jack minded; silence only ever reminded him of his doing nothing while his ever growing to do list grew larger and so he was thankful for the distraction.

A knock thudded through his thick veil of comfort.

The frantic tap continued. There was no other noise coming from inside the house. It grew quicker. With a creased brow, Jack groaned sleepily as he opened the door expecting to see either one of his parents asking probably something stupid. He was met with a trial of confetti.

The red strands of curled strings rejoiced with the four other coloured strings like this was going to be their last dance as they all lay frozen in time across the stairs. Still frowning, Jack followed the path laid before him. His sleep addled mind didn’t allow him to take the time and silliness to loop around the pointless rooms along with the string but instead took the short cut and noticed it lead outside. Bracing himself for the chilling winds to wreck his frame, he was pleasantly surprised to see the weather mellowed out to just a slight breeze that encouraged the leaves to rustle and sing.

Instead of the streamers however, there were cupcakes. Each one coated with a bright shiny red wrapper with a generous lathering of white icing. Bending down low, Jack chuckled at the tiny Septic Eye Sam that hid in the corner with his chocolate button pupil. They were a straight line to the cramped hut he can’t quite believe he ever managed to call home.

Now adorning a huge toothy grin, Jack pulled open the door of the hut to see everyone jump out. The lights flicked on and his entire family and friends made sure to jump out. His siblings were each equipped with bright party hats and badges cheerily exclaiming ‘Birthday Boy’. Mark stood there with a birthday cake again littered with tiny Sams. Bob and Wade launched the confetti into the air.

Jack broke out into an even bigger grin than before.

Immediately he threw his arms around anyone he could get a hold on and muttered out so many ‘thank you’s and joking scolds. “You have no idea man, we’ve been here for about three hours decorating and you’re dad went, like, full spy mode and had to sneak us food!” Bob pretended to complain yet anyone could tell he would happily do it all over again. The room had certainly been decorated though, paper chains hooked and looped lazily around almost every crevice and corner while the walls were practically wallpapered with birthday signs. The table had been pulled out into the centre of the room so people could feast their eyes upon the mountains of food and drinks.

“We wanted it so you had no idea what was going to happen and so wait until midnight but then it would stop being your birthday then. So we organised it so that by the time we’re all about to collapse from the sugar crash it will be midnight.” Mark clapped his hand across his shoulder before he then caught the death in his sister’s eyes, “Not that any of that was my idea. It was your sister’s!”

Unfortunately, they had greatly underestimated how long it takes for a JackSepticEye to crash. Although his friends were drooling in their sleep like state from the jet lag of flying to Ireland, Jack continued to talk to all of them right until the sun peeped out from under the hills.

#Crafty's writing #my writing #fanfic #birthday #fluffy

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lovelettersandeathreats-blog · 7 years

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i miss him !!

2nd June 2017 11 pm

By God, we are nearly 1/2 way through with this year and less than 5 months left until I'm finished with my yr12 exams. Things have gotten a lot more steady because we haven't had anything due in the past week. I feel very vulnerable and ‘fuck all’ atm so I don't think I care about revealing private parts of my life. Apart from my photosets, nothing else have gotten notes so I think it’s safe. I’m going to tell myself that any of these thoughts are just me being paranoid.

On Monday there was the English viva exam, which I skipped school for because I didn’t prepare. Turned up the next day and visited my babe of a teacher first thing in the morning. Landed in my ancient classroom and the door open slightly, sparking all these disturbing intrusive thoughts. Recently (in the past few months) I've conditioned myself to just allow these types of thoughts to pass by instead of fighting them and being embarrassed and having a war in my head. This approach is a lot more helpful. Back to the Hamlet viva... so I was very nervous and had nothing to say when he asked me and he said we could do it in period 3. He interviewed me in the deputy principal’s office and there was a strong beam of morning light coming through the top window and shone on his face. I rambled on and he said it was unstructured but otherwise ‘good'. The first question was what lines of the play did you find the most inspiring, giving me an excuse to read (not even recite) Hamlet’s ‘ what a piece of work is man..’ soliloquy... I do think I was ver expression and on that 30 sec along he could tell I just LOOVE Hamlet. I guess that's the last of High school Shakespeare completed! (Oh no wait there's trials and HSC) viva... so I was very nervous and had nothing to say when he asked me and he said we could do it in period 3. He interviewed me in the deputy principal’s office and there was a strong beam of morning light coming through the top window and shone on his face. I rambled on and he said it was unstructured but otherwise ‘good'. The first question was what lines of the play did you find the most inspiring, giving me an excuse to read (not even recite) Hamlet’s ‘ what a piece of work is man..’ soliloquy... I do think I was ver expression and on that 30 sec along he could tell I just LOOVE Hamlet. I guess that's the last of High school Shakespeare completed! (Oh no wait there's trials and HSC)

Today is Saturday and I've been on a break with my boyfriend for about a fortnight. Yes one fortnight without talking to me, I have come so far... This break has been different from other ones. I think I have changed. I’ve stopped pestering my friends. The days feel a lot faster and I don't feel so emotional. I’ve only felt sad when I talk to one of his friends. The reason I started a post for today was that I want to take down the thoughts I have at this moment. Regarding my collapsed friendships and my failing relationship. I’ve become very dependent on my best friend and she’s the only person I message on a daily basis. Whether it’s the first period at school or when I wake up at 1 pm on Saturday morning. She's the only person I feel like who understands me and who I trust with everything in my head. However, as life always works in this way, coincidentally this time where I feel like talking to her the most she has landed herself in her own friendship with a boy. I spam her with messages when I'm curious about where she is and she replies after a few hours. If this were a few months ago i would’ve become terribly paranoid and upset and read it in a very paranoid way, but I of now just accepts it. Time passes fast for me too. I find myself sitting in bed in the dark from 7 pm onwards, not even trying to sleep, just in bed surfing the web, reading, watching youtube, not studying until 2 am in the morn. Lonely isn’t the word I'm looking for to describe how i feel.

James has exams in the next 3 weeks, his exams will end at the latest 26th/28th of this month. I feel sad thinking about it all, trying to make sense of it all. Whenever I think about it i feel very sad. i don't think I've been truly honest with myself about this relationship. From the bottom of my heart, i don't think that I add to his life in any significantly positive way. I don’t think I'm a very approving girlfriend and i think my emotional outbreaks to everything he does makes me incredibly unsupportive and negative for him. When he is in my life my life just revolves around what he’s doing and i schedule my life around his. When we hang out we just walk around talking about nothing at all that either of us is interested in. Lurking around on Quora, it really is the best platform for relationship advice. Very high IQ and EQ people giving anecdotes in response to others dilemma Qs. In that process, it confirmed how off i found my relationship. I am so immature and i credit all the flaws to my half and not his because I have found him extremely cooperative this whole time. This answer below really hit the nail on the head and I saved it into my personal note documents.

I know he is happier than normal on this break on me at the moment and i think he will secretly be very happy that i am going to propose a breakup. Sunny told me it’s all about power play and he wants to be the one breaking up with me. I don't have many memories of him but we had a lot of fun in yr9/ early year 10, when he was only in yr10/11. We used to talk every day, all day until very late, about everything and anything. I would screenshot a lot of his responses and send it to the group chat had at that time. I found him so smart and funny and i had never met anyone like him before. He was absolutely perfect. I watched the Ryan Gosling Movie Blue Valentine the other week. I read about it a year or so ago and the reviews and comments that came along with it and i’m happy i watched it later instead of sooner. I think i can see reflections in my shifting mindset and attitudes in the female protagonists’. How you start off and think your partner is the greatest but over time reality kicks in. Gosling’s character has a paragraph and im not going to generalise the attitude of the whole male sex on his statement but i can also see how James thought/ still thinks in this way. Women are more realistic than men. im not going to generalise the attitude of the whole male sex on his statement but i can also see how James thought/ still thinks in this way. Women are more realistic than men, however, i think this isnt the case maybe. Chris is only naive because this is his first relationship.

I do want to be with James forever. I have expressed countless times to different people that I want him to be the father of my children. I adore him and no one makes me happier than he does. However, i don’t think we should be together at this point in our lives. He is in university and doing a very hard course, studying full time too. Studying is his priority and he should focus on it 100%. This is his first semester and when i did ask him about whether the rest of the 4 years would be like this he replies (I'm getting teary for some reason) very snappily that it is not and it’s only like so because he’s in trouble with his parents or whatever.

(I WROTE A FEW PARAGRAPHS MORE BUT THE PAGE CRASHED AND I LOST EVERYTHING BUT WAS ABLE TO TAKE A VERY CRAPPY SCREENSHOT OF WHAT I LOST WHERE EVERY WORD IS BLURRY AS FUCK )

Had a very bad breakdown last night and ended up downloaded snapchat to text him. I am very disappointed in myself. i want to swallow 40 pills and take a holiday ( that isn’t guaranteed to end) if you know what i mean. I need to be locked up or taken to a fucking sanatorium but im not rich or living in Japan in the 50s like Naoko. FUCCCCCCK

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlSAXfxWgJ4

#rant #journal #heartbreak #borderlinefucksyouup #needhelp #wtf?

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sisters-of-the-storm · 8 years

Text

Another Interview With the Chosen

Hello, everyone, and welcome. Today we’re with Baezha Ambrose, star of the novel Reckoning. Baezha, thanks for joining us today.

Baezha: Thank you for having me.

Guy: Why don’t we start with the basics? Tell us about where you’re from.

B: I was born in Oleppo, but now I live with my adopted family in the town of Sharleah, Kerdonia province.

G: And who is your adopted family?

B: The Kurrins. I believe you know my sister, Aleena.

G: Indeed we do. Tell us about your birth parents. Were they sorcerers?

B: No. Sonya was my mother’s name, Rowan my father’s. They loved me with all their hearts. It is very difficult for two non-sorcerous folk to raise a sorceress, but they did.

G: What about your childhood, schooling, friends, things like that?

G: As I said, my parents loved me dearly. They sent me to school at a Druid shrine outside of Oleppo. All of the Druids were wonderful teachers, but Master Yul was the one who took charge of most of my education. He was like a second father to me. My parents and teachers were my friends, as was Hodge, a wood spirit who lived at the shrine.

G: You didn’t have any friends your age?

B: No, but I never felt a huge urge for them.

G: And, like Aleena, you are Chosen, correct?

B: Yes. We are the only two in the world.

G: What exactly does it mean to be Chosen?

B: The Chosen are people who are born with two gifts. The major gift is one in which our talent comes as naturally as breathing. In my case, it’s sorcery. The minor gift is something we have a strong aptitude for, but we need instruction to reach our full potential. In my case, it’s the warrior arts.

G: It’s my understanding that the Chosen are also very beautiful, and you are proof positive of that.

B: Thank you. Chosen have eternal beauty immune to corruption.

G: Why are they called Chosen?

B: It is believed we are chosen by the gods, though why we should be is a mystery. Aleena is currently researching that. However, others believe we are demonic. We are also quite rare.

G: So, to sum up, you combine the power of magic with war. No wonder they take to calling you the Battle Witch in this book.

B: Among other things.

G: I imagine your gifts served you well in your latest exploit. Can you tell us about it?

B: I had to return to my home town of Oleppo to face the thing I feared most.

G: What was that?

B: My past. Everyone I loved was murdered when I was a girl. Quite brutally, I might add. Believing myself responsible, I fled. Seven years later I was required to go back and face the forces that destroyed all I loved.

G: And what were those?

B: Two groups of madmen. One was the Watchers, religious fanatics devoted to the extinction of magic. The other was the Order of Entropy, a faction of sorcerers devoted to destructive magic. My gift in magic put me at the top of both groups’ lists of enemies. I had to face the top sorcerers of the Order of Entropy while facing a group of zealots, the leader of which had a nice little surprise in store for me, and all while facing my own guilt and shame.

G: Would you consider yourself a hero?

B: No.

G: But you did several heroic things in the book. You returned to face your past.

B: Because I was forced to. Left to my own devices, I never would’ve gone back, which means I never would’ve been able to undo a horrible wrong that badly needed to be undone.

G: You saved numerous lives.

B: And I failed others. Failure and cowardice are hardly heroic.

G: Are you ever completely satisfied with work you’ve done?

B: Rarely. I usually think there’s something I could’ve done better.

G: It sounds like you have very high standards for yourself.

B: I do.

G: So which of your actions are you least proud of?

B: Fleeing when I should’ve stayed and fought.

G: And what achievement are you most proud of?

B: Facing my past and restoring balance, with magical consumption being my second.

G: Magical consumption?

B: Sorcerers need to carry a power source with them, a talisman, to use magic when they cannot use a natural source. Many have tried to use themselves as talismans, but the human body just isn’t meant to contain magic. I’m the exception to that. I am the first person to successfully consume magic and store it within myself. I no longer have to find a natural source of magic or carry a talisman. I’m my own source.

G: What’s the most difficult thing about being a sorceress?

B: It isn’t a problem now, but growing up, magic was something that separated me from other people. I saw things they could not, and I couldn’t explain it to them. They just thought it sounded like madness. And they feared me. It was a difficult thing for a child to understand and cope with. And my major gift separated me from the other students at the Druid shrine. I understood things much more quickly than they. I took to magic naturally and immersed myself in my studies, fascinated by them, my thirst for knowledge unquenchable. Most of my classmates were more interested in socializing. I didn’t understand them and they didn’t understand me, but while I was perfectly content to leave them in peace, they saw fit to hate me.

G: Do you ever see yourself marrying and having children?

B: I have no desire for children, though I don’t rule out marriage.

G: Do you currently have a lover?

B: No.

G: Describe the perfect romantic partner for you.

B: A man who is strong and wise, who can laugh at himself and make me laugh, who values knowledge, who is sharp enough to look beyond the surface and see greater depths.

G: What about your hobbies and interests?

B: I love a good book. I like fictional stories as well as books on magical theory, plants, and animals. I like nurturing both. Now that the nasty business with Oleppo is done, perhaps I’ll have time to plant a little garden or care for some creature.

G: What’s your favorite food?

B: I like many kinds, but I’d say my favorite is salmon.

G: You like lots of types of food, yet you’re in incredible shape. How do you do that?

B: I like lots of different types. That doesn’t mean I eat a lot. And use of magic burns a good deal of energy. I could gorge myself regularly and still look like this simply by practicing my craft.

G: What do you find more annoying than anything else?

B: People who insist on involving themselves in things that don’t concern them.

G: Who do you have no respect for?

B: Bullies and hypocrites.

G: Overall, what do you think is most wrong with most people?

B: Refusal to face themselves or mind their own business.

G: What is something you feel very strongly about?

B: Freedom to be oneself.

G: What trait do you find most admirable, and how often do you find it?

B: Wisdom. I don’t see it very often.

G: What's the worst thing that can be done to another person? Why?

B: Trying to convince someone they shouldn’t be who they are. There are exceptions, of course; murderous lunatics really shouldn’t be murderous lunatics. But when dealing with people in general, I am horrified when I encounter someone telling someone else they shouldn’t be themselves, that being themselves is wrong or even immoral. It’s particularly vexing when the person is quietly minding his own business, staying out of everyone’s way, and harming no one. You might not understand them, you might think they’re weird, ugly, and stupid, but so long as they’re not harming anyone, you have no right whatsoever to tell them they shouldn’t be themselves.

G: What's the worst thing you could actually do to someone you hated?

B: Read Reckoning and you’ll find out!

G: Do you have any feelings in general that you are disturbed by? What are they? Why do they disturb you?

B: Not anymore. I used to have some very self-destructive thoughts and feeling, but my experiences have educated me and purged me of them.

G: Do you think you have any responsibility to the world?

B: The gods granted me my gift and made me Chosen. It is my responsibility to use that gift to further our understanding of magic, to guard and protect people when they can’t guard or protect themselves.

G: How do you feel about being Chosen?

B: There are times when I get tired of other people’s responses to it, their expectations. Because my major gift is magic, they think I can do anything when, of course, I can’t. Talented though I am, powerful though I am, I have my limits. They get angry with me when I can’t restore a lost limb or make dead fields fertile. They don’t understand that I am still human, with all the limits, flaws, and weaknesses that come with that. But when all is said and done, I love being Chosen. I love my gifts.

G: If you weren’t Chosen, what would your profession be?

B: A naturalist of some sort.

G: What don't you like about yourself?

B: My capacity for failure.

G: What is your biggest fear?

B: Losing my loved ones. Again.

G: Do you have any long term goals?

B: There are certain underrepresented fields of knowledge about magic that I’d like to expand upon.

G: Short term goals?

B: Supper and a bath.

G: If you could be granted a wish, what would it be?

B: That I could make every child who thinks he or she is worthless is actually of immeasurable value.

G: Quick – describe yourself in just one word.

B: Chosen.

G: Well, Baezha, it’s been fun. Thank you for taking time to answer my questions.

B: You’re quite welcome.

G: Our audience may have further questions.

B: They can certainly post them and I’ll answer them. I can’t guarantee it’ll be an answer they’ll like, but they will get an answer.

G: Thank you.

B: Thank you.

#chosen #witch #sorceress #witch queen #battle witch #strong women #character interview #fantasy fiction

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