#happens to best of us idk what to say
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fern and davesprite are so fucking similar and it eats at me inside. both of them have the issue of "i used to be this guy but by fusing with (insert thing here (both things including a sword and some sort of creature, funnily enough)) it means im treated as lesser and worthless"
davesprite is deemed unimportant and everything he cares about is torn away from him because hes not the "real dave". fern is treated like a monster on his very first day of existing and is quite literally CHASED OFF by his own brother and the "real" version of him
and yeah they both get to sort of fit in for a bit but its not the same and itll never be the same and they have to watch from the sidelines as the "real" them gets to live a life that they deserve to live too. both have horrible fucking identity issues because of the sudden shift from "i am this guy" to "im not allowed to be myself anymore because that spot is already taken"
it splits off there because for fern that jealousy turns into attempted murder and that doesnt happen with davesprite but like fuck. i get that. the inferiority complex is fucking real
and they were both just kids, too. yeah fern was a little older than 13 (16 i think, at least when he first formed, but then he fucking dies anyway not long after turning 17) but thats so young to be dealing with the weight of so many identity problems. both of them are so fucking tragic and i think theyd be friends
#cried for days after watching the adventure time finale because of what happened to fern#best character hands fucking down#we have a really weird tendency to latch onto characters who are an alternate version of already existing character and have horrible#identity issues. that probably says a lot about us but idk what#📀🐦⬛#🌿🗡️#adventure time#homestuck#davesprite#fern the human#fern adventure time
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There's a lot of Voy Crew & DS9 Crew crossovers for good reason but what about Voy Crew meets the TNG Crew so they can confuse and alarm them at every turn? Most Normal Crew Ever vs Most Fucked Up Weirdos Ever - let's go!
#& the best part is that the voy crew DID used to be normal too and it'd be fun (angsty) to see them be like 'ah yes finally a normal ship#with people just like us!' only to find they're nothing like each other anymore#I'm picturing this still happening in the delta quadrant somehow. It ends with a portal to the alpha quadrant opening up somehow#and VOY crew lets the TNG crew go through (knowing they'll lose their memories of them) bc they know they wouldn't be able to survive#the delta quadrant & also VOY crew wouldn't want to doom anyone else into trying#VOY: Yes!!! Starfleet people!! / TNG: Why are these Maquis criminals roaming around? We've apprehended a rogue borg. Why is everyone being#so casual? This is a starship isn't it? What's with all these slapdash additions? Why-/ VOY: Oh no!!!! Oh we forgot we're freaks!!#TNG crew would most elicit this reaction in my mind bc TOS crew is also doing wild shit and breaking rules & DS9 crew understands that#sometimes you've got a moral quandry you can't really 'solve' and you've gotta do what you've gotta do#*out of the ...what do you call it? oldtrek? crews.#ENT idk. They'd probably be like 'a Klingon on a starship?? looks like we ain't in kansas anymore!'#I'm scared of Archer & British Guy they seem like they're seconds away from saying the quiet part out loud
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If Kipperlilly DOES end up betraying Porter/Jace as part of a secret other scheme she has (whether good or evil) and it has to do with saving Lucy, I just know she’s going to be a bitch about it and pull a ‘sorry, I only save High Five Heroes’ before leaving her other friends to die or some shit. And then she will take her final form: Magic Betty from Adventure Time, betraying her allies and saving her frost gf at the expense of the world. It would also parallel what Ankarna is going through (‘your girlfriend’s out of town, it sucks’, becoming a little imperialist rage machine under the influence of Porter/Sunstone but not being able to fully turn on Lucy despite going against her values and turning into a violent weirdo). This is my wish. My dream. I am manifesting it. Magic Betty Kipperlilly I believe in you.
#I am currently painting clown makeup on my face rn but this is what I’ve been rooting for from the beginning so let me dream#Come on though she HAS to have some other shit going on though right?#She was DEFINITLY in that temple when the Bad Kids said Ankarna’s name#Brennan literally rolled#and we know she was in Porter’s office#so WHY hadn’t she told him Ankarna’s real name yet? We know he genuinely believed Fig found it#Also the BKs couldn’t see who was in the window during the Wanda Childa scene#Which one of the RGs has invisibility?#HMMMM#Wanda saying ‘Kipperlilly? Why are you doing this? Is it because you’re jealous?’ before getting carried off by a fake Porter would let KP#know ‘okay they FULLY saw what happened after I killed Buddy and are onto us’ which would cause her to follow them to the temple#Also…if NONE of the Rat Grinders knew Ankarna’s name then what did Lucy write on her form to change her divinity???#We KNOW it was Ankarna’s name and not the ‘symbol representing her’ because no one could see it BECAUSE the god was dead and no one alive#knew her name#Which means Lucy HAD TO HAVE KNOWN and was keeping it from the others right?#And when she died and didn’t come back they were fucked because they couldn’t even check the form anymore#But#Brennan also said that if Porter WASNT using Devil’s Honey and genuinely believed in Rage And Conquest goddess Ankarna instead of just her#domain then he and his ritual would (maybe) bring her back instead of killing her permenantly so he can take her domain#And idk#A powerful goddess of rage and conquest who despite everything can’t be turned against her sister and ex#who’s resurrection would mean the rune could be broken and Lucy can come back to life#One who has (or had) a personal vendetta against at least one of the bad kids#and a personal vendetta against the people who led to Lucy’s death#that sounds pretty appealing to someone as spiteful and obsessive as Kipperlilly doesn’t it#especially after her best (maybe only real) friend died and didn’t come back#especially if she stayed dead specifically to stop Porter#Again I’m putting my clown makeup on but I don’t want her to be secretly good or anything just unhinged and gay and a parallel to Ankarna#Please world let me have this I’m on my knees#dimension 20
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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tag vent
#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas#and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when#we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates#just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night#ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me#ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but#she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening#he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by#people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again#i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends#and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer#than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they#helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that#they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient#im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk#tag vent#vent in tags
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Still can’t wrap my head around how Izzy shooting Ed was supposed to symbolize him “breaking up with Blackbeard” and have them go through that whole thing at the beginning of the season, to have Izzy be the one who tells Ed to follow what makes him happy, and have Izzy’s whole arc be about who he is without Blackbeard just for the finale to turn around and say that Izzy had to die because he was half of Blackbeard and that Ed couldn’t fully let go of Blackbeard otherwise.
#by all accounts it doesn't make sense#Izzy stopped caring about Blackbeard when he stopped following Ed’s orders and started going with the crew#when he told Ed he wouldn’t kill him#he had his figurative death when he tried to shoot himself and Blackbeard had his literal death when the crew killed him#when he’s fucking doing his whole speech saying that piracy isn’t about glory or fame it’s about the community it’s about the crew#the fact that they said that they just didn’t know what else to do with Izzy’s arc so dying was the best conclusion is INSANE to me#like im so hung up on this#blackbeard WAS us#YEAH WAS#dont get me started on how izzy used his fk dying breath to take the blame for everything just protecting others til the very end uh#izzy hands#him telling ed that the crew loves him and then he just....leaves#bitch the crew LOVED YOU#the whole “blackbeard was us i needed him” does gut me a little bit tho ngl like oof can yall stop being tragic for 2secs 😔#anywayyyyy sorry if im being rly negative i dont want to be truly im just upset#it’s like I understand what they were going for but when you put it next to everything that’s happened it’s like ….idk#“izzy keeps the story of Blackbeard alive by being alive!!” and ed doesnt ???#hes literally the face of Blackbeard#so he gets to change and grow and become something else and live as that but izzy cant?#you cannot kill a whole by just getting rid of half#izzy was moving past Blackbeard i just what the fuck is UP#“its cause ed is the mc and izzy is just the side character there to be a device for his growth”#ok well then dont have that characters whole motivation be about actualizing himself as his own person for a whole season#ofmd critical#ofmd
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Atsushi's back in the game!!! ۶( ˆ o ˆ )
#And Kouyou!!!!#Also. I can say Steinbeck is kinda 👀👀👀#King of the specific category of “I forget I like him until he's on screen”#I'm seriously unlocking memories with this rewatch. Like I haven't thought about it in two years–#but I just know when I was watching the anime for the first time I was being like#“Of COURSE the villains need to spend several minutes each episode explaining in detail how their own superpowers work so that the–#protagonists can get a perfect idea of how to best counter them. Why are villains made so freaking stupid in this show” aljhvwslchvqliyqwb#But. Eh. I guess that's just bsd to you.#Alsoooooo random thought of the day: I don't really favour how Tanizaki's ability was adapted in the anime.#I very well understand they were going for this green Matrix-like illusion effect‚ but every time someone says “... Snow?”#I'm like please explain where do you live that has snow glowing green.#Aamsjgvfaskjhfv sorry this is me being very. Cranky and nitpicky and having terrible audience etiquette in refusing to–#engage in suspension of disbelief. It just bugs me akvakcvqkyb I just feel like... Green is such a non-snow color–#that quite of completely disrupts the Light Snow / Sasame Yuki aesthetic. I would have liked it much better light blue or simply white.#What else. The way the Guild just goes on at stereotypes still troubles me a lot. The “usamericans can't be touched by laws–#because they use money to corrupt anyone” “foreign criminal organization come in our country to corrupt our pure and untouched soil”#Idk. Maybe all of it is true. Can it still be deemed a stereotype when it's objectively something that's happened before–#and will probably keep happening?#I suppose I'm just not a fan of the constant hostility against any foreigner. Idk.#This situation besides is extremely ironical. If you meet me irl it probably won't take long to see me being very outspoken about–#how much I despise usa cultural colonization of all other countries. It's something that really bothers me‚ how rooted and pervasive–#their influence is. So in a lot of ways I can relate to the author's sentiment#I just feel that. If you start treating them as stereotypes and ignore the complexity of a country and the wide spectrum of causes–#that contribute to its attitude in international relations. You end up practicing precisely what you're trying to criticize.#Okay this is the last time I'm getting into the politics of the Guild arc lol#random rambles#This time I took watching the episode slow I feel a little late
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Arlecchino discourse is really awkward because both sides are so convinced they are right and that the other side just lacks media literacy but 9 times out of 10 the take in question is also wrong and it leaves me scratching my head a little bit….
#fuzzy rambles#like either they are like ‘no she is bad and doesnt care for the kids at all’ or its ‘she is good actually and does care for the kids’#and for me its like… damn…. its actually a little more complicated than that but ok ig#saw someone say she doesnt care for freminet or lynette she just uses them as pawns for lyney to be her heir#which is so incorrect on almost every level#it’s basically a self report that they dont know freminet or lynettes relationship with arlecchino#like i think we can agree raising child solider is problematic or whatever while not painting everything she does as master manipulation#like the things ppl claim are just her 5000 level iq manipulation… rolling my eyes it doesnt even make sense#but at the same time she obviously isnt a saint who has everyones best interests in mind because they are still childe soliders#even tho things got better when she took control there is still a lot of cultish and cruel behaviors the kids get drilled into them#tho honestly the whole fatui is like that look at any of the recurits who arent from the orphanage and they are equally brainwashed#if not us than who or whatever (girl who thinks about what happened in the chasm and want to eat drywall)#idk. dont yall have parents? like u can love and care for a child and still suck as a parent#you can try to not become ur abusive mother and still turn into a monster of sorts#ignore the childe instead of child its literally muscle memory how embarrassing
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footnotes arent enough I need you to talk to me like im fucking Amelia Bedelia
#this isn’t about anything in particular btw. I just have to add a lot of memos when I’m doing things because some things are done a certain#way and it isn’t explained well in the instructions. like my mom has instructions on her baking recipes right#but when it says stuff like add dry ingredients to wet ingredients it also means you don’t dump it in one go you add it slowly by portion#this is probably why I find videos and demonstrations the most helpful when I learn something. like I almost always ask someone to show me#how they do it because there could be something they do that’s already second nature and wouldn’t really be considered in an explanation yk#I don’t think I’m an exception either. when the rice is done cooking I divide it into 4 quarters to bless it#but there are a million ways to divide rice and it makes me think that one persons way of doing it or not doing it all is just as valid#theres also technically no wrong way to divide rice afaik. this means either all ways of dividing rice is safe or valid until we find some#universally terrible way of dividing rice. until that happens nobody really thinks about specifying HOW you divide the rice#source: I have anxiety starting and doing things for the first time because I got way too many people yell at me NONONO WHAT ARE YOU DOING#THATS WRONG while I’m in the middle of doing the thing. I would rather have people think I’m either very stupid or overly specific#than go thru the panic inducing fear of ‘YOURE DOING THIS WRONG OMG WHY DIDNT YOU ASK AHEAD OF TIME THIS WILL BE FUCKED UP FOREVER’ 🧍#nothing wrong if you don’t give something a second thought because you’re so used to it. but I can and will ask about it and I don’t think I#really should feel bad about it if I don’t know enough to dispute it. idk#the other way around I try to be as specific as possible and word things in a way that people who might not get where I’m coming from will#understand. but the problem with that is my explanations tend to be lengthy and I lose them either way 🗿#Im. trying to work on that using examples and stuff because they seem to work the best#but if I could write everything down on a word doc and beam it into your melon that would save both of us time and embarassment#im rambling the short version is I have adhd#yapping
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stupid garbage brainstorming for possibilities w gandhi + abe in future seasons . normally id type the words out onto the drawing afterwards but this is just so cringe and self indulgent thst it doesn’t matter enough to do that
#mine#the show actually having them date i should say i honestly consider Literally impossible#not only is this show like allergic to actually doing anything that involves mlm in a way that isnt joking or in the background#but i also feel like.. idk im so used to people seeing relationships like theirs as Just Friends that i Imagine the writers thinking that-#way too where like if someone pitched the idea of abe n gandhi actually having repressed feelings for eachother that were just never made-#clear in season 1 for various reasons (well apart from. You Know. and the list goes on but that’s not what im talking about at this second)#if someone were to pitch that idea theyd be like. What?? No!! Theyre only friends! ya know#and even absolutely then i cant imagine them not making it angsty like at all. of course in my world they would bc Its Gandhabe They’re-#Literally In Love Forever And Nothing Can Come Between That but like canonically? its pretty much guaranteed they’d break up obviously bc-#that’s just what this show is#honeslty my dream scenario? my personal favourite out of all these outcomes? the one where it’s implied heavily that theyre in love but-#the show does nothing with it and they just stay best frriends. that’s what im Most happy with personally#and it’s like… literally the closest to their relationship as it is already without anything else happening#okay bye#i love gandhabe did you know this
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kinda drives me up a wall when people go "hey i think x action in a war/combat scenario is inhumane and cruel and shitty" and someone responds with "oh but within the laws of war it's allowed or there's procedure for it etc etc". it doesn't have to be a war crime to be unforgivable man it's a shitty rulebook anyway
#like whether or not something's bad isn't determined by whether or not it adheres to arbitrary rules people made up and never obey#i thought we all knew that already. c'mon man. get a grip#obviously war crimes are bad but that's not where the badness potential ends y'know#this post is due to my dad talking about smth i sent him mentioning US troops firing on a bunch of guys in smth on deserters and he was lik#well they're not like citizens or refugees or deserters they're retreating enemy combattants. so it's different.#it IS different but isn't it still like. overly brutal? idk.#like would you want them to pursue Your ppl regardless? are they not allowed mercy just because you proved stronger? your positions could#be swapped easily and you'd think that as fellow combattants you would feel that deeply. idk maybe i'm just too soft or whatever but like.#seems stupid to me. war generally seems stupid to me but this specifically right now seems stupid to me#yes i know there are practical concerns and sacrifices in combat that make sense when you're actually there and me saying there should be n#wars and we should make it a fucking priority to not have wars doesn't mean ppl already in a decision-making role in the field should do#what i (an idealist) would do. they're responsible for minimizing loss and shit. whatever. doesn't mean it's not fucked up anyway.#and that's assuming the best case scenario for a leader in such a position. usually they just want to minimize Their side's losses. usually#by maximizing the other side's. or they just want to win and will sacrifice anyone for it if it's practical#which happens a Lot. usually it's a mix of the latter two to my understanding#as if americans' lives matter more than anyone else's and the other side doesn't have a right to mourn bc they offended us somehow#ugh that shit irks me so bad dude. there'll be like a terrorist attack in europe or smth and the news'll be like#ONE AMERICAN WAS KILLED. and twenty swiss. THE AMERICAN WAS VISITING FAMILY THERE ON SUNDAY MORNING WHEN TRAGEDY STRUCK etc etc#fucking hate that. i don't care if they're on 'my team' or whatever they're all equally human and equally dead#why the hell should i care if one of them was an american. just say 21 people died. like i get reporting on it briefly ig to like notify#ppl At Best but like. it's so grating. why can't you be normal about other people fucking goddamn you#why is this a controversial statement. why is giving a shit about people killing each other (often for like 10 ppl's financial gain) wrong#like. come on. i don't care if they 'deserve it' or whatever because i don't think they do. and even if they Did i don't think it's#America's Time To Step Up!!! every time smth like this happens (but only when it is financially beneficial to us to do so#such that we ignore atrocities all the fucking time bc it's inconvenient. we're not superheros. we're cops.)#not saying america shouldn't do anything bc like. idk. you screw everyone over to have all the power maybe you should use that influence fo#good. but my definition of 'good' is wayyyy way different from everybody who's ever held office here apparently so like. nuts to that#eugh. anyway im cutting myself off here rant over. for now
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Ahhh got harassed by a random guy at the concert after-party could y'all just fucking not
#tw harassment idk what to call this#first interaction: hi you dance good and are hot#second interaction: him asking me out and me saying no#third interaction: saying im hot#fourth interaction: him asking me on a date then asking if im married#me saying I have a wife and pointedly calling my partner my wife#him going great I have two new best friends and asking for a hug and us turning him down#fifth interaction: him letting me know that he's leaving and asking me out before remembering I already said no#sixth interaction: him asking me out again before remembering I said no and saying goodbye again#last interaction: him coming to say bye to me again#me really quickly saying bye and not really giving him much attention#and him getting all upset about my not giving him attention to a friend he was with#mind you this is all happening while I'm trying to focus on watching a really cool local band perform#like this guy got upset I wasn't giving him attention during literally the last song on the set when I was just trying to enjoy the moment#fucking hell can entitled people with no respect for boundaries get the fuck away from me#I want to be nice but then people treat me weird and I don't like it#but how can I stop that while still being nice?#and is it my being nice that's the issue or do I just want to feel like I have control so that I can feel safe?
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honestly why do men
rant in tags
#hana.rambles#it'll be a rant#god so i was talking to this guy and#he goes like women in our society are so privileged and have so much more advantages than men#whatever could you guys complain for excepting like 1% the rest of y'all r living the best life#my guy#WE BELONG TO A CLEARLY PATRIARCHAL SOCIETY#where men are viewed on a much higher pedestal than women are#where we are scared to even go out alone at night#where our parents are scared to leave us alone at night because they dont know what might happen#you think women in this part of the country are safe and living the best life free of any harm#god it just goes to show how fucking delusional you are and how you live in a bubble#you think being a man is the hardest thing in the planet and that we women are lucky#YOU MY GUY don't know all the things you have that we are deprived of#look this in no way is me hating on men#im just saying that you dont have tp say shit like being a woman is the easiest shit in the world#cuz it isn't it never was#like it really baffles me how one guy can be so idk indifferent to the difficulties women have to face#and I'm not saying men dont have any#sure they do but YOU think that its only the men who go through difficulties#while we live the best life#educate yourself a bit on social matters#you're almost in uni#god i just hate it when ppl do this#anyways sorry for the rant guys#i just needed to vent
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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them
#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris#muscle memory is crazy#i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic#when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good#but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor#what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet#bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back#and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id#it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category#or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is#my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread#something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it#but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore#ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me#delete later
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still baffled that there's people who watched 2 whole seasons of mob psycho 100 and still somehow didn't catch the message of the show
#saw someone bitching last night saying that mob was acting too feminine??#and that there werent enough fights anymore#like what.#how can you literally miss the point SO BAD#like if you wanna watch a shonen w insane fights you can. idk#watch one punch man#its right there#or any other generic shonen anime#mob from the very start hated using his powers unless it was an extreme situation#so how can you be mad thats hes. not. using them. lmao#ok sorry for the rant#again im just baffled that theres people out there that are mad that the show is doing its job ig#mp100#mob psycho 100#LIKE THE REIGEN ARC IS RIGHT THERE!!! THE WERE LITERALLY 0 FIGHTS AND ITS ONE OF THE BEST PARTS OF THE SHOW#LIKE HOW CAN YOU SAY SEASON 3 IS BAD BECAUSE THERES NO FIGHTS WHEN THAT LITERALLY HAPPENED#UGHHHGHHH#ok im gonna shut up now
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Hate it bc we used to have such a fun friend group and everything was great but then ppl started fighting with each other so now there's a lot of tension between some ppl and it makes me kinda sad to think about how it could have been if this all hadnt happened
#and half of them i dont even know what happened bc ''i hate him but i dont like talking shit about ppl''#or ''uh it was nothing he was just an asshole''#and then theres the ones who dated for a while and then broke up and then she fucked with his best friend (also in the group)#and idk it all seems centered around that guy and his best friend tbh#the other day a few of us met and that guy and his best friend were close so we went to say hi#and they all hated him and/or were hated by him like howw#also apparently he wanted to hook up with a girl's gf (though i have my doubts about how literal this was)#(bc that girl is the first guy's best friend so she 100% knows what happened and she was deff biased by then)#idk man it sucks when ppl are mad at each other and no one will say why but you still like everyone there#idk this winter we were able to meet up without setting off an atomic bomb so thats. awin i guess#and tbh im glad i can stay out of the drama ngl if they made me pick sides i would go crazy#mine#life#friends
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