Tumgik
#having some feelings today don't mind me
ex0rin · 9 months
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Protective Butcher | The Boys S02E05: We Gotta Go Now
+BONUS:
Tumblr media
269 notes · View notes
writingjourney · 2 months
Text
if you have some time today please check in with someone you love, hug someone you love, tell them you appreciate them, tell them they're not alone. love and kindness go such a long way ♡
34 notes · View notes
disposal-blueeee · 1 year
Text
guess what ! doodles . again
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
edgar , nny and devi belong to johnen vasquez (even if i only drew nny and devi at the bottom)
scriabin by zarla-s
110 notes · View notes
Text
There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.
#I think also because I'm a very nostalgic person - THOUGH not in the way that somep poeple mean when they say nostalgia because I've realiz#ed that to some people apparently it means like.. more of a sad emotional thing? Or when I talk about being nostalgic they say 'me too' and#then describe how they're always depressed dwelling on the past wishing they could revisit it and replaying it and feeling sad and etc.#Whereas for me - it's not in a deep or emotional way at all. It's very detached - kind of like someone who is doing like a scientific#cataloguing of something? I don't feel any remorse or sadness or longing or sitting there sobbing for hours over people/pets I've lost or#etc. It's more like a fun contemplative excercise and extension of self analysis plus just documentation. Like I know your memory fades as#you get older OR even as stuff is actively ongoing humans have terrible recall - even the ones who are less emotional/more focused on#accuracy our minds still twist things or etc. SO I looove to have documentations of everything possible so that in the future I will have#as full and complete of a view of myself as I possibly can. sure the image will undoubtedly be a little distorted but having real evidence#of how something was at a time is very valuable. You look through old messages or letters or something and you always find other alternate#versions of yourself. Not in a worse way like inherently inferior Previous Models Of You who haven't yet been perfected but even just in a#neutral way like 'what they're saying is not a BAd thing but also is not how I would say that today.' etc. ANYWAY I find it really interest#ing to document and remember things and love revisiting the past - not in a sad way - but just like. curiosity. reminiscing and recalling#and filling in gaps. or trying to have the same feeling I felt at a previous time so I can remember what it was. Collecting information for#documentation purposes. Like for example - I would love to go back and tour all of my old childhood houses/apartments. Not to like#sit in the middleof them and cry and go 'ohhh my childhood waughhh' - but literally because I want to take detailed photographs so I#can remeber exatly what they looked like and recreate them in sims or some other digital way. Why? idk. just to gather the information. If#I ever live to like 80 years old and I'm still reflecting on my life curious about the dteails of it. I want to be able to fire up my#ancient windows 10 laptop I've kept all these years and open up the sims 4 and tour my old home with accuracy etc. ??#Not sure why really. Maybe an extension of how I generally care a lot about having an 'accurate' view of things? Like I would rather be#accurate than be happy. I don't understand 'ignorance is bliss' because I would always rather know. I always always in any situation am mor#focused on 'what is the well researched practical truth' than about 'how does this make me feel' or etc. Truth above ALL else even if it#were to make me miserable. Aka why I'm a 'boring' 'annoying' 'UM actually..' type of killjoy lol because it's very hard for me to understan#that some people can enjoy something or have a good time even not knowing the full facts of a situation or etc. BUT anyway. since that is#some core driver of my personality for whatever reason (just the plague of ennegram type 5 perhaps lol) maybe that also drives me to my#kind of minor obsession with like 'I must have a complete view and calatoguing of my life that is as accurate as possible within the means#i have' . Is it REALLY important for me to know the exact layout of on of my first childhood bedrooms? no. materially it does nothing for m#in life. BUT hey. it would make a great addition to the Accurate Life Story Catalogue lol. ANYWAY.. But I think a lot of wanting to live in#one place forever is not just the ease of documentation. but the sense of having a constant. Much of what i crave most in life is stability#& familiarity &routine bc of how my brain works. And it just would feel so good to be Settled. Never uproot again. One little place FOREVER
43 notes · View notes
grocerystoreanxiety · 12 days
Text
Being a hater towards the ed today, shit’s super fucking dumb. What am I planning to achieve with this???? Literally like it doesn’t even go the way your ed-brain wants you to think, like you get to ur ugw and suddenly everyone is jealous & wants to look lik you. Like nah, you’ll just get pity & weird looks from strangers bc everyone can see you’re not doing well and they’ll treat you as if you’re dumber than you are (the infantilization of ed ppl is so real out there (whole another topic but in short: I hate it)), what the actual fuck am I doing this for ?????
#like I already have issues with ’’ppl don’t take me serious bc i’m a woman in stem’’-disease and like pair that up with looking#non-adult?? like that’s fucking not it#and obv my brain doesn't work the way it should when I'm restricting and that's the only thing I need truly#like I used to be smart and able to focus well and all that why tf would I take away the only thing I have going for me#but I also don't want to fucking stop so like goddamnit & fuck I can feel my brain melting a lil bit more each day <3#and I keep thinking like some weeks ago there was a clearly sick/anorexic (skinny like very much so) person out and it wasn't the ''everyon#started to look in envy as they elegantly daintily made their way past'' like it was ppl giving pitiful looks and that fucking sucks but#that's just the reality bc no one ever minds their own business#I remember in my lw (was like bmi 16) my coworkers still kept giving me that same look and the ''r u okay''s like it's not all#fun and games like you'd think it is; good for internet but not sure how it'd work in everyday ''trying to pretend to be a real life#adult who has their shit together''-way; it waters that pretension down quite a bit and I can't afford that; I'm already scrambling#so like could I stop thinking abt going to the seriously underweight bmi; a lil bit is fine bc some ppl just look like that but like ugh#i don't even know what the point is; I'm just mad at myself here like why did I get myself into this like I can't seem to get out#bc I want to but I rly don't;#I want to get worse and that fucks me up like wHY when I know I also don't want to like jesus christ ppl weren't kidding abt it feeling lik#ur brain has two diff sides fighting all the time#i hate this with all my might today yay and ironically enough I'm going to starve abt it <3 logic !!!! we love it !!!!!!!!!#this too should stay as a draft but alas send post
7 notes · View notes
runefactorynonsense · 2 months
Text
I've been staring at references for Fiersome for the past half hour, and I've decided I absolutely hate his wings.
My brain today wants so badly to re-imagine him as a wing-walking wyvern. Something super strange looking like a Quetzalcoatlus. It'd work, with that giant head of his.
But that means redoing an entire sketch. Le sigh
9 notes · View notes
So I have officially finished watching the first episode of tdp and I am once again asking Netflix to stop releasing seasons that are like 3 episodes long
5 notes · View notes
x-adoringvoid-x · 4 months
Text
Tumblr media
Apparently that's called the 'irresistible force paradox'
#oc f/o#f/o art#fictional other#self shipping#self insert#oc#original character#they're patient with me#also I finally draw Hadri with a different form!#I want to do more with their shape shifting but I haven't made much that turns out well#small vent in tags upcoming if you don't want to read#Feeling bad about posting but I shouldn't just give up#In some way social media isn't for me because I take things too personally#but if I'm going to meet people I have some common ground with I don't know where else I'd look#common ground with something that means something to me#I want to meet people that don't suck to talk to#And actively have things they want to talk to me about that we're both interested in#Tired of being just ears.#I'm talking about my family here not anyone on the site btw#I just wish there were people who wanted to talk in the same way I want to talk#same level of energy I guess#Sorry to vent in silly drawings but it is what it is#Fun fact if you read this far...Hadri would like Evangelion#I don't know why that came to mind today but it makes total sense#They're a deity-like person so religion is interesting and they'd be drawn in by the drama#I honestly don't know how they'd examine media since their setting is basically medieval so Hadri's never really watched anything#Maybe a play?#I'd be nice to know what Hadri would think of things I like#But my tastes are very colorful... watched Ind/go Park for example and have it stuck in my head now#Popp/ playtime and Ind/go Park seem to both be going for fnaf Portal and I am feeling something
16 notes · View notes
coldercreation · 1 year
Text
Sad!Kitty
Tumblr media
I wrote over 2K for Sad!Kitty today. A miracle<3
35 notes · View notes
einstetic · 11 months
Text
i'm not tired, i'm exhausted
18 notes · View notes
gender-euphowrya · 2 months
Text
my therapist telling me i'm his point of reference when he deals with other trans patients
Tumblr media
#👉👈 it's an honor m'lord#i mean that + the fact that i make sure to always feed him the Most open-minded takes i can incorporate in conversation#like just today he was like ''i wanted to ask you about this i saw there were women growing beards and deciding to keep them''#and i was like. yeah that's a thing ! good for them ! if they're happy that way it's all good !#and he was like ''isn't it kinda weird though like they're really feminine but they have a beard which is usually masculine?''#and i was like hmm! not really ! it's just not something we're used to seeing so it can seem odd at first but it's harmless!#and he went Yeah you're right maybe it just seemed weird to me because it's unusual#and i like mentally went 😎🤏 got'em. teaching this guy to be okay with other people one topic at a timeeeee#in any case it's just. really cool to know that like... i'm indirectly helping other trans folks ?#at the same time i want to make sure he understands that My personal experience with being trans isn't universal#it's not ''This is how you trans'' like. what's working for me rn may not work for someone else and it's fine#so i always make sure to throw in little reminders that every trans person will want different things for themselves#some will need medical transitions some Won't some will need ''all'' surgeries some Won't some will need them done quickly some Won't#some will feel This way about their egg selves some will feel That way about their egg selves etc#simultaneously Yes please do use your experience working with me to work with other trans people#but No please don't think they are all going to be like me or should do things the way i did them
4 notes · View notes
girlpetrarca · 5 days
Text
gang I'm not sure I have the courage to come out to my boxing coach
6 notes · View notes
electrosquash · 11 days
Text
I think with a lot of Visual Kei it's important to make a distinction between genre (as in musical category and history thereof) and scene (as in label environment, the production conditions, the musicians they work with and inspiring each other, the media and festivals and concerts and venues they appear at, fan culture, and such) because Vkei is a music scene without an underlying music genre tying it together, that's what makes it so hard to define musically.
Like yes a bunch of them play straight up dark wave and goth rock and post-punk, but have no points of contact to the goth scene, they're fully embedded in the vkei scene instead so i don't consider them goth. And then others are so very clearly visual, but have barely any contact to the vkei scene and are therefore not - Soft Ballet is in here, they're coming from a New Romantics background iirc.
It's not that easy with Buck-Tick though. Whether they can be considered vkei is muddy at best - very influential of course, but are you part of the scene you helped inspire? Andrew Eldritch would like a word with you.
And the ties to the goth scene are very clearly there. Not only because of Sakurai, Toll is also well connected (just watch his interview with Genet about this very question, even if i have a low opinion of that guy you can't deny Auto-Mod is central to the Japanese goth scene). And probably lots via Imai, though i don't know enough to continue here.
And sure some Buck-Tick albums have the goth sound, but not all. But then again, neither do The Cure.
4 notes · View notes
toastsnaffler · 2 months
Text
was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
3 notes · View notes
izzy-b-hands · 3 months
Text
Putting on last year's trans rigs stream from Drawfee before i have to get ready to go out with my mum and her bf today (bc i have the worst feeling in my gut he's gonna make that An Thing for me if given the chance today, aka whenever i eventually need the restroom while we're at Mystic)
#text post#Housemate was amazing and helped me calm down a bit before ae went to work bc my brain woke up in meltdown mode over this tbh#it sucks bc like. im excited to see my mum despite the Everything with that lmao#but im not excited for how her bf has been acting since they got here (and it's been day 1 out of 7 days)#with some outright homophobic comments while Housemate and i hosted them briefly at our house yesterday afternoon#not abt us but like. i mean. u know we're both queer so#doesn't really matter if it's abt us or not it's still fucky and makes me worry abt how he's gonna be today!!#doesn't help that he really wanted to go to Italy with her instead this summer#(despite the passive aggressive complaints from him & mum to a degree abt how expensive it was for them to come out here)#(we're ignoring the fact that a European trip would be even more expensive lmao tho i do think if they want to/can afford it they should go)#like. the Vibe from him has just been that he'll be Just Polite Enough but that he didn't want to be here#and he doesn't expect to have any fun and it's like#dude i am Trying. i and Housemate have looked up stuff to do that includes things he likes (like guns and historical weapons)#we tried making comments abt that yesterday like hey u might like this but if there's anything u have in mind already#and he was just. whatever idc but then made comments that made it clear he's not excited for anything else#like museums or the beach for sea glass hunting or the bird sanctuary or even the zoo#and all have places to rest/sit plus restrooms and food so I don't think it's a worry abt facilities thing for him#i think he's just fed up that I'm still involved in my mum's life since i moved and like#yes there's a detangling of the umbilical cord i and my past therapist were trying to eventually get my mum to cut#since cutting it myself in any attempt has had her metaphorically taping it back together#but like. it's not entirely on me here. I'm trying to set boundaries and make sure she's giving him more attention than me since he's w/her#more than i am now#i know he's upset when she helps me financially too (i offer to pay her back but she always refuses it) bc she took me aside yesterday#to give me some cash for the time with them for souvenirs/fun stuff i might not buy otherwise bc im trying to be mindful of money#aka still waiting on money my fkn job should have already paid me like. a week or more ago now#he makes her happy so even if he hates me i still care abt his frustrating ass#and i do want him to have as much fun as he can while still relaxing during the trip out here#but i feel like im gonna have to physically shake him by the shoulders screaming this before he listens#and even if he listens he probably won't believe me#sorry for the tag essay the edible hasn't kicked in yet can u guys tell lmao
3 notes · View notes
barkingangelbaby · 8 months
Text
I feel like such a broken fucking person lol
I talked way too much in the tags don't read them
#fighting off the ideation like my life depends on it!! bc it does!!!#been good about not thinking certain phrases but F U C K am i feeling it. i want to turn into a pile of dust#i am so desperately trying to work on myself and change my patterns and bad habits and perspective but it feels like i always fall short#i try not to talk about it online but I'm just. having a very hard day with N because we experience our feelings in different ways#i isolate myself bc i struggle with regulating my reactions and tones when im having an episode but she needs me to talk through things and#i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc#we just spent a long time talking and being patient and i thought i was understanding and explaining myself well but i just. idk.#i don't know how to explain that of course i love her even if I'm isolating myself. of course i love her although I'm nonverbal today. i jus#t can't *make* myself talk when I'm like this i don't want to be nonverbal i don't want to isolate i don't want to be a distant partner i do#n't want to fall back into these patterns related to my grief i want to be better i am trying to be better i am working so fucking hard on#being better. i just feel so defeated bc this all spiraled from me not wanting to decide what to get for lunch n using a poor tone about it#I'm about to talk with her some more but I just. kinda don't want to exist right now. fuck dude. it feels so fucking awful when i upset her#like i love her so much she is so important to me and it breaks my heart that our entire day is shot bc i was tired and cranky#i just don't understand how that equates to me not loving her bc she is my whole world dude. I'm going to throw up#i also don't know how to explain to her that scrolling on tumblr is comfortable to me I'm not ignoring her it's just the SM that i scroll on#like we're hanging out watching tv together I'm gonna scroll a little bit. it's just not insta or anything#idk my mind is scrambled I'm crying I just want to be a better person who can calmly communicate my thoughts and emotions#today has just beat my fucking ass dude. i isolate so those feelings don't get translated into my interactions with others#i don't even know what i typed in these tags I just don't want to off myself or think about it I'm fighting myself so much 2day#rAMbles
4 notes · View notes