#having to grieve your time but also this unknown version of yourself at the same time

[redrobin-detective]

I keep turning over a sad little thought in which if all of Simon's memories from the time he put on the crown were stored in it. So when he is magically separated from the crown in CAWM, he retains no memory of any of the events while he was controlled by it. One minute he was teasing Betty in the 20th century and the next he's surrounded by candy people, vampires and talking dogs. How absolutely devastating would that be to everyone involved?

Simon is in a state of shock and it probably takes him months if not years for his brain to mentally catch up with the fact that his civilization died and a new magical one sprang up in what was to him the blink of an eye. Not to mention he knows he lived and experienced in that thousand year interval but when he pokes that spot, it's all a blank. People keep talking to him like he's familiar, bringing up stories and it's like they're talking about a different person. And they ARE in a way, Simon Petrikov PhD student was a very different person after the War and the force of the crown's madness.

Can you imagine Marcy's devastation, that she gets her father figure back and he once again can't remember her? He's normal and sane but he looks at her like she's a stranger. They're back at the same point when he was Ice King. They both work at the relationship and Simon cares for her, but this man didn't raise her, didn't give up his sanity to keep her safe and keep coming back to her even when his mind was gone. They make it work but it's different than what it had been. Marcy looks at him and sees a friend and a mentor but not a father.

Finn too had slowly, despite himself, become fond of Ice King. Especially when he learned of his tragic story. They had developed a relationship and Finn was eager to meet the human behind the magic. Much of his life is defined by loss and here he experiences another one. A man he had beat up, then pitied then against all odds befriended looks at him like a lost kid. This Simon doesn't understand Ooo and Finn's status. He's a man in his 30's to 40's, it will be hard for him to see a teenager as an equal without having developed the relationship over time. He would probably try to fill in the mentor/father role like he did Marcy but Finn would feel cheated. This man was, but also wasn't, the friend Finn knew.

Just a Simon who has to crash course adjust to the literal entire forces of the world changing under his feet with no prior knowledge. He has to cope with the joy and the grief of people who loved him (this other him) dealing with his existence. He has to learn about Betty's sacrifice all over again and not really comprehend just what she went through for him to return. Simon will lie awake at night and try his hardest to remember being scared and starving in the apocalypse, losing himself to madness and becoming a joke, a pointless nuisance, for the people of this world for centuries.

He suffered under the crown but he would give anything to have those bad memories back if it meant he could actually feel connected to the new world he was trapped in.

[tar-oh]

Pick-A -Pile: What will the rest of November be like for you?

Howdy there, folks! Sorry it’s been a while. But here I am! I have 3 new decks, so I wanted to use those. I have the Cosmic Tarot deck, which I’m excited to use because it’s from the 90′s. It’s also based somewhat off of old movie stars, too. It’s one of the most interesting decks I’ve seen just because of the interpretation the artist had on some cards, but I find that they’re fun to read intuitively. I also got the Light Seer’s Tarot from my best friend for my birthday. That one is fun because the artwork is beautiful and it’s got a lot of bright colors. The last is a new oracle deck I got called the Seasons of the Witch: Samhain Oracle, which is based around Halloween/Samhain. t’s very much Halloween/witch themed and has beautiful artwork and poetry on it. I also pulled moonology cards for each pile.

The question I asked for each pile was just what the rest of November will be like for you. I think it’s just better sometimes to let what needs to come through come through, and I have to say that there was a lot of healing and change that came through for each pile.

Here’s the piles to pick from:

So:

Pile 1 is the Opalite

Pile 2 is the Rose Quartz

Pile 3 is the Carnelian

I need to say that this is a general reading. It’s for a bunch of different people, so it’s not specific, nor does it mean it will resonate with you. If it doesn’t, I have a few other readings on my blog that aren’t time-specific and may give you insight. Otherwise, I may not be the reader for you. If you would like to reach out for a personal reading, my DM’s are always open and I will try to answer it ASAP. I recently got a cashapp, so if you’d like to tip (it’s not necessary), it’s $sarams.

SO. THAT BEING SAID ONTO THE READINGS:

Pile 1: Opalite

Cards:  strength, 6 of pentacles, the moon, 8 of wands, 5 of cups, page of pentacles, 2 of wands, banshee, new moon in sagittarius

There's one word that keeps showing up with these cards for me, and that's CHANGE. The Banshee warns of you blocking change. New Moon in Sag suggests you might change your mind on something. The strength card in this particular deck suggests the transformation of energy. So, the word for your November is Change and I think these cards are saying that there will be change for you, but how it goes, it's up to you. You're asked to get out there. And by that, I don't necessarily mean going out and about (especially for those that COVID is still around, be safe guys!). I mean whatever that means for you. So for some, you want to put something on the internet. For example, if you're thinking of starting a new blog or even a youtube channel, this spread is telling you to do that. There's a lot of pentacles and wands in this spread. That tells me there's a lot of creativity and abundance within this. I don't always mean material wealth, I mean whatever that could mean to you. This could be a passion project, that you work on for fun. Or it could actually be something you plan on trying to make money from.  This pile needs to realize their own power. The fact that the lady in the strength card is holding a tapestry with a lion on it furthers this idea for me. Lions in historical terms have always symbolized strength. I'm reading this as if she had the tapestry covering her whole body up, but she appears to be moving it away. I'm also assuming she's naked behind it, too, so it's like, stripping away a mask you might have had on. This idea that you were toning yourself down for everyone else, but now you're letting that fall away. You're being you, and unapologetically so.  You have a lot to share and a lot to give, and you're a little hesitant about this. Perhaps, in the past, you had things not go the way you wanted when you put yourself out there. But, this is telling you to forget that. A lot of you are changing or going through changes, whether it be inside or how things external to you. But, you're also denying these changes? Like, okay right now Make Way by the Front Bottoms is playing, and he sings "I make way for the expensive things in my head." You have dreams, but these dreams cannot come into actualization until you make room. The Banshee card can read as a warning, and I'll get to that later. In order for new things to come in, there needs to be room. This Banshee card hints that you're not allowing there to be room.  

As I was writing that I started to think about the 4 of pentacles from the Rider-Waite deck. On the card, he guy's hoarding the pentacle and the chest underneath him full of who knows what (knowledge? love? money?) but that card isn't present. But, my eyes were drawn to the 5 of cups where she's looking down into the hole that the cups are spilling into. It almost looks like a bit of her soul is spilling into it too. I read that as someone who poured a lot of effort into those cups, a lot of their soul too. But, in the end, it was all for naught. At least, that's how they see it. So they dump out all those cups and their soul goes with them. But, that's not what I mean by making room.  In this card, she's so focused on what's lost, rather than what could come in. Behind her, there's this path and wide-open space, and the stars are out. It's so beautiful but her backs to it. You need to be able to turn around and run into that unknown. The moon definitely supports that idea to me, also this 8 of wands. The moon in this reading, to me, is you embracing the unknown. Like, walking into the future despite it not having certainty yet. As unsure as you are about what tomorrow, next week, or even next year holds, you need to be able to crawl out of that pond like that lobster. He's kind of jumping out of that pond at the moon like "HERE I AM!" I also see him as reaching towards the moon that's made up of two fishes. So, almost like he's grabbing at them like a prize. So, I want to be cheesy and say REACH FOR THE SKY! And, I don't know. Perhaps a bit of corniness is needed in this moment for you? 8 of wands also gave me that feeling too. It's an image of a man jumping through the air with those 8 wands and he looks ABSOLUTELY THRILLED. These cards are telling you to be excited because when you reach out, good things reach for you if that makes sense.   Page of Pentacles and 2 of wands show me that there's something you are or will be working on that you want to share.  These also tell me it's something that you need to be practical about sharing. Like, the way you go about it. It's a bit like you need to make sure that when you jump through the air with those wands, you're calculating where you land. So, it's telling you to jump, but not to be The Fool about it. Don't jump without looking. But also, not to sit still like that girl in the 2 of wands. She's looking out the window wishing when she could be going. The 6 of pentacles tells me that whatever you share is going to be valuable. Usually, this card is about give and take. Or, about being compassionate and empathetic. Having what you need and sharing it too. It could also mean someone is helping you out. But, today I'm seeing this as you having something that would be valuable to others. So, maybe you want to make a fitness vlog or you have a large knowledge about rocks or something and you want to write blog posts about them. And, this specific version of the 6 of pentacles is that this man is standing under a crescent moon. It looks to me like it was recently a new moon, and I kind of see those pentacles as other phases of the moon. So, to me, it's like you manifesting. The act of placing an intention on what you want to do or achieve between the new and full moons. Like, this man is under this newer moon and he is manifesting what he wants. He's also excited about what's to come despite it being unknown. Those 8 wands are telling you to DO IT. START IT. You got New Moon in Sagittarius, which has the line "Luck is on your side" written on the card. In the moonology deck, I read this as the equivalence of the Wheel of Fortune tarot card. I mean, it even mentions the wheel in the guidebook. This card is telling you to GO! Do it! You've got luck on your side, but to also stay open-minded. I did mention that the Banshee does serve as a warning. The card's keywords are bad omens and wrath. I don't want this to scare you, rather, I want you to take this and hug it. I'm laughing at myself for that last part, but seriously. This card is, to me, just death reversed. When death is in reverse, you're denying a transformation that needs to happen. Even denying the ending of something. This is telling you that things are changing. They will not, cannot stay the same and that this warns you against denying this. Change can be so beautiful. Like, I mean, think about butterflies and the transformation they go through? You could have that! This change could be physical or mental or in your external world. Either way, if you're able to embrace this change with open arms, you'll find that there's a lot of joy that comes with this. I do have to say that there is the risk of you getting a bit of a big head. I want to tell you to stay level-headed about everything that comes your way. I also have to bring that 5 of cups back up along with the banshee. These suggest this idea that you're focused on mourning an ending, but that you should let it go. A part of me doesn't agree with that completely. There is a certain amount of need to allow these things to fall away and not to mourn forever. But also,  if you're still grieving it once those changes come in, that's okay. That whole, making way for the expensive things is something that one needs to do, but there's also this thought I have about making space...to just...allow things to be. Sitting with something. The song Unsaid Emily came on from Julie and the Phantoms. The story it tells is heartbreaking, and I found it fitting. The song is about regrets and wishing you could say something you never got to say. There's a part where he sings "If you could only know, I'd never let you go." This ties in because you can still have that past with you. You don't have to let it go completely, but there's also a point where wallowing in it doesn't help. So, it's like, this banshee/5 of cups combo is both a warning and the act of acceptance. Like, this acceptance that this happened. It's over, and we will have these thoughts on it for a while (they'll probably transform through time). But, they're there, and while we're embracing it we're also taking them and moving forward. It's this act of leaving it behind while simultaneously leaving room for it in your suitcase. All seriousness aside now, I think November is going to be good for you. I don't know if it's going to be super major in any way, but I know that it's going to at least be a stepping stone for the rest of your life. Maybe a lot of little things will happen that will only be worked into your memory years later as things that you can attribute to where you are. I just see joy and creativity in these cards and maybe hesitation, but its that hesitation before you jump and I see that when you land (in that calculated spot), you're going to be okay. And, honestly, I think right now, that's all we want to hear. Right? That we'll be okay? Songs:

Make Way - The Front Bottoms  Unsaid Emily - Julie and the Phantoms Soundtrack Makeup - Oberhofer

Pile 2: Rose Quartz

Cards: Queen of Swords, Two of Pentacles, Ace of Cups, Temperance, 4 of Wands, King of Wands, Full Moon Eclipse, Wolf One thing that's coming through strongly is that you need to follow your intuition. In the song Wild Roses by Of Monsters and Men, there are the lyrics "I followed a feeling". Even more, in the song Don't Give Up Your Ghost by Movements, they talk about not letting your demons get the best of you. Not letting those dreams you had go. And so, you follow them and chase that feeling, whatever that means to you. The card Wolf's keywords are instinct and freedom. It's the last card of the Seasons of the Witch deck, and with it comes this sense of completion. The Full Moon Eclipse speaks of conclusions being within reach. These conclusions are doors that have closed. But with these cards, while I see contemplation in some (queen of swords, temperance, even King of Wands), I also see movement. In 4 of Wands, they're dancing. In King of Wands, he does look stationary, but he also looks as if he's going to step forward at any moment. In two of pentacles, he's trying to keep his balance, but it looks like he's also trying to move forward too. So, there's a sense of forward movement, but with it comes this act of never looking back. There's a chance you'll face a decision in November. With the Queen of Swords and Temperance, you're asked to stop for a moment and be logical. To balance out the practicalities and the emotions. But, with it comes a beginning, one that can prove to be very fulfilling to you. There's a chance that this leads to a celebration, as well. Either way, you're asked to weigh the options while also keeping in mind that whatever you're leaving behind stays behind you. The last pile was also about moving forward and change. But, it was also a gentle reminder to hold your values and memories close to your heart. Whereas, with this pile, you need to hold those values and memories, but not as closely. At a distance where you can see them to keep perspective, but far enough away that they're not pulling you back to that door. And, by the way, that door will be locked. I don't know what this could be that you can't go back on. I mean, I guess it's like something that you just can't relive. Maybe it's that thing where nothing's ever the same again. Either way, it's like this spread is begging you to move forward. Ah! The song that came on is Kill My Time by 5 seconds of summer. There's a line, "Why don't you just say goodbye now. It's only a matter of time," which goes perfectly with what I just said. It's like, whatever is reaching it's conclusion. It's as if you've ridden that wave and you're at the end of it. You've run out of a wave to ride, so it's time to find another. On the wolf card, it says "Run wildy into the freedom of your knowing", so 1. definitely feeling the moon card here. But also 2. you're released from whatever is concluding. Also, the moon, it's about mysteries and the unknown and in the last pile they got it and it was telling them to jump into the unknown. I see that you guys are asked to jump into the unknown as well. Though something tells me that you guys have a bit more of an idea of what's going on. The queen of swords looks like she knows and that wolf howling at the moon knows something too. There's this feeling of the unknown but also knowing the unknown here. But, then with this unknown/decision you might have to make, you're reminded to keep balanced. In the temperance card, he's holding the moon in one hand and the sun in another. So, it's like night and day. I think that's suggesting this need for a schedule. Like, maybe a set bedtime? You guys could possibly be more of the night owl type. I guess, in that case, it's just a reminder to get an adequate amount of sleep. So, still setting a set time for sleep and a set time for waking up. Also, it's telling you to take care of yourself overall. The two of pentacles also brings that idea of balance because I mean, this card is about keeping up with everything. It's like, having two things and being able to balance them. Some of the versions of this make it seem like it's time to focus on one and stop trying to do both. In this deck, because the act of balancing is actually his body trying not to fall in the water, I see that this balance of keeping up different things at once is essential. So, say you're in school but you're also working. You're asked to keep up the hard work in both your school work and work-work, while also taking care of yourself. Assuring that you don't fall into the water. On the 2 of pentacles here, the pentacles are on his shirt. He already has these pentacles and I don't see him losing them. Unless he discards the shirt, so it's like unless you actually quit your job or school, you can't really lose them. You can lose the quality, but not the actual pentacle. My favorite thing about the Light Seer's Tarot is that each card has an affirmation. These sum up the card as a whole. Despite the 2 of pentacles being from the Cosmic Tarot, I think the affirmation is particularly noteworthy here: "I create an equilibrium in my life that allows me to be my best self." So, for November I see you going through a door that will close. This door is meant to be closed, but it doesn't mean it can't have a window you can peer into once and a while. You're just not meant to go back through it. Instead, you're meant to step forward into your future. I see that this is going to be abundant. You're asked to remember to follow your gut instincts, but also to keep balanced. To be honest, kind of like the crystal you chose, I just feel a lot of love. And I'm not really reading that as love from someone else (I mean, yes, there could very well be that), instead, I'm reading it as you just radiating love. So, I could say...November sounds lovely for you...lol  Songs: Wild Roses - Of Monsters and Men Don’t Give Up Your Ghost - Movements Kill My Time - 5 Seconds of Summer Group 3: Carnelian

Cards: The Empress, The Lovers, Death, Queen of Swords, the Sun, 7 of Pentacles, New Moon in Virgo, Blue Moon, Journey Okay, I'm a little weirded out by the whole shuffling process. Several things happened that were kind of...Oof. First I kept seeing the Queen of Swords and was thinking "I bet that's gonna come out somewhere" and it DID. Then I saw that your Seasons of the Witch card was 24, which adds to 6, which in tarot is the lovers. I've read that 6s can mean journeys too. Well, THEN the lovers came out. Bottom deck energy for the Seasons of the witch is the All Hallow's Eve card. This made me wonder if your "journey" started on Halloween. Well, guys, then the Blue Moon card fell out, and that full moon on Halloween was a blue moon. Granted, all of these are coincidental, but it's just funny how those things work out. If you think something shifted for you on Halloween, then you're correct with thinking that. For some, it's with a love connection. For others, it was you just being able to figure out a little better on where you want to go in life, or where you're headed. So, jumping in, I want to focus on the Empress card first. I love this version because she looks so much more comfortable to me than any of the other empress cards I've seen. She looks relaxed like she has everything she needs. And, I do think one could say materially she has what she needs, but she also looks like she provided it for herself. Nothing on this card suggests it other than her face. She just looks sure of herself. Moving on to the Queen of Swords, while I get a colder energy from her, she also looks kind of similar. She's not in the same posture completely. Her posture could even be argued as not looking very relaxed, but her face makes it look like she's relaxed. She looks like she's content with where she sits. She's looking off into the sky, like, though she's content with where she's at, she's also looking for something. Maybe she's searching in her own brain or scanning the world off of where the card cuts us off from what she sees. They both have their hands to their chins, one seems more sure of herself, but the other still seems sure. So, what I take away from these two cards right away is that you know yourself. Maybe you're saying, "But Sara, I'm only just figuring out who I am?" And, yeah. So am I. Life is this process where we're constantly evolving. One week you have one belief, and the next that could have changed because you've learned 100 new things. You have both the Death and the Journey card. With the lovers and these two other cards, this is saying to me that you are changing. Nothing will be the same next week and nothing will be the same the week after, but you understand your goals and your values and at the end of the day, you're still you. I almost feel that I need to stop and reassure this pile that you're still you. Maybe you've been looking in the mirror lately and not recognizing yourself. Maybe people have been saying things like "I don't know you anymore", but you're still you! YOU ARE STILL YOU! And, this is also telling you to stop, take stock of who you are at this very moment. Be sure of it. That sounds hard to me, so I can understand if you think it does too. But there are things we're sure of. Like your values. Your sense of right and wrong. Hell, the music genre you gravitate towards the most. Those are you and you alone. So, take a moment, take a breath, and think about yourself.  Now, I want you to take another moment to just love yourself. No if, ands, or buts. I mean, it. Stop and say to yourself "I love me." And I need you do to it with kindness. Forget the person you flipped off while driving yesterday. Forget that last mean thing you said to someone. Forget that bad grade you got when you were 13 because you were too focused on that band that came to town. Forget it all for a second and take this time to just breathe in and love yourself for who you are in the moment. Okay. Now that that's done. Onto what's coming. Well, like the other two piles change. Everyone today seems to be going through changes. Though, it's different for everyone. Pile one was asked to take a calculated risk, but still go for it. Pile two was asked to move forward and to not move backwards. You're asked to move forward gently. And I don't mean cautiously, though with New Moon in Virgo, I'd say there is some calculation needed here. But, I still don't mean cautiously. I mean, with love. With kindness. With you being the best that you can be to others and yourself. Something is just telling me that someone reading this is really upset with themselves, and I just want you to know that while you're still you and there are some of those core things that you still have, you're also not the same person you were yesterday or 5 hours ago, and that's okay. That's life. And you need to understand that we all fuck up and we all say things we don't mean sometimes, but that doesn't set anything in stone. That doesn't define you as a horrible person. Shit happens and sometimes that shit happens because we did it. But? I still love you and you should still love you too. The more you stop to love yourself and be kind to yourself, the more you're going to discover about yourself. And while you're discovering yourself, there's a need to look ahead while simultaneously staying present. On the Death card, there's a clock stuck in the ground, frozen. I almost want to say to you that time doesn't matter. I mean, yes if you have a shift that starts at 10, by all means, go to it on time. But, in the grand scheme of things, time doesn't matter, and for you, it means that your path is not linear, nor does it have a set schedule. God, I cannot believe I'm doing this, but I had a manager that I have to quote. He once said to me that he didn't believe in time. As a history major, that confused me to no end. Like, I got where he was coming from, but my whole life consists of time time time. I thought in dates. I know dates well and dates are time. But now I kind of see it. It's this idea that life isn't time, it's lessons. Does that make sense? And, I think that's what he meant, lol. He also tended to be really cryptic so, I could be totally wrong, but this is what I'm taking from the whole thing. The Journey card from the Seasons of the Witch deck says something along the same vein to me: "Daughters of our Mother, walkers of the unknown, take with you on this journey all that you hone." So, all we need is to live and take those lessons with us as we live. And, the Virgo card also reminds me of Virgos in general. They're known to be super analytical, so there's this thought that while you need to take lessons at their face value, you also need to dive into them too. It's like reading a book by its cover. There are things to take from that cover, like how the title font presents itself to you and what the illustration/picture is, but then there's also the content inside the book. Both the cover and the content matter. Don't judge a book by its cover, but also take in what's presented to you. The seven of pentacles always means have patience whenever I pull it for myself, so I read it that way for you too. There is no set schedule (like that whole time thing, right? it's nonexistent) and that might make you antsy. But, what good does that do? You could be chilling like the Empress. Or, you could be sitting and watching that cucumber you planted last week sprout, despite knowing that it's still going to take time. One definitely sounds more relaxing. 7 of Pentacles suggests this patience because it takes more than a week for a good thing to grow, you know? And, I mean, yeah you can make things in a day, but there's that saying, "Rome wasn't built in a day."  Rome was built over a VERY long period of time, going through different types of governments and it switched around between paganism and Christianity. There were a lot of changes within that long period of time. I know I went on a rant earlier about time and how it's nonexistent, and blah blah blah. However, there's also this idea that even though you need to not be focusing on time, you also need to know that for things that are quality, it takes time. Like, time and effort. No half-assed shit, right? But, I mean that in a loving way. And, this, by all means, is about you changing. So, this is something that is going to take time to hone in on. Something that's going to take finesse. It's going to take experience and love. That may be something hard to hear. Trust me, I know this. Depression is a beast and I know how that and other mental illness can really fuck with you and your perception of the world and of yourself. But, both 7 of Pentacles and New Moon in Virgo suggest taking a moment and looking at where you are and where you're going. So, again, that idea of staying present while also moving forward. But, also being analytical (but not OVER analytical). And while you're looking at where you are, there's a need to stop and be okay with where you're at, too. This is especially for my buds who are having a hard time mentally. I know that when you're in the thick of it, it's hard to get out of the fog. That some days, or even weeks, you end it with tears and it's hard to stay motivated to do anything. With me, it's a bad cycle where I lack that motivation, but to feel worthy I need to be working. It's a cruel thing that I do to myself, because my worth is not within my productivity, and I think as a society that's something (at least for all my American friends) we need to remember. There are days when the only thing you do is just getting out of bed to get food and honestly, that's better than nothing. So, it's taking stock of the things, little and big, that you accomplish. Which, that definitely adds to that idea that time for you is not linear and that it's going to take you more time to do things other people can get done in a week or two. But, then on the flip-side, there are other things that will take you less time than it would for someone else. Nothing's linear and no one's the same. No one's path is a duplicate of someone else's journey. Harry Style's song, Golden came on. There's that line where he says "You're so golden", and I think you need to hear that right now. It definitely makes me think of the Sun card, which you got. It's this card of immense happiness. Abundance. It's a beautiful card and in this deck, it's bright, super bright. So, yeah. I'd say you're so golden. And I think this is more a matter of you being the sun like you need to stop and see yourself as that. Maybe you're someone that gives so much to others but not yourself. Honestly, from what I was getting earlier I can see that. So, maybe circling back to how relaxed both the Empress and the Queen of Swords look, maybe this is a message to you to relax? Relaxing and maybe taking stock of those lessons that have been presented to you. There's also a need to take care of yourself with the New Moon in Virgo. It just suggests eating healthier and what-not, so I'd add that to the relaxation. Like, relax and take care of yourself. And, gosh, again, I gotta bring up depression because it's really simple for me to be like "HEY YOU! Take care of your body!" but, I know what it's like to not want to exist. So, if that's the case, I want you to take it day by day, breath by breath. Start out small, get a glass of water, take some deep breaths. Do something that makes you feel good (that's also not detrimental to your health). I also think you're asked to believe that you can accomplish what you want to accomplish. It's like, you can achieve so much, but you also have to make sure that you're taking care of yourself on your way. So while there could be obstacles outside of you, you're your biggest obstacle. One thing I should note is that you got the Blue Moon card. This suggests that you may get an opportunity of some sort that's rare. Now, this could mean a lot of things with these other cards. One I can see is travel with the journey card. I see it more as outside into nature really, with the colors from the Virgo card and the forest on the Blue Moon card. Like, a camping trip? Honestly, right now I'd give anything to go camping, so if you go, send me pictures! Another for someone is maybe meeting someone you click well with, whether it be platonically or romantically with the Lovers. If that's the case, I see this relationship being really good, like nurturing and abundant. Full of joy and good times. Another is maybe just a chance to just take a step back and rest with both the Empress and the Queen of swords. Either way, I see this as being something that you consider to be good. It will also transform you in some way, more than how you're changing now. I can't really get into more because it just feels like this is super general because I feel like a lot of you are choosing this pile. I do suggest that if you felt called to the other two piles, I'd go look at them since they're all about change too. The bottom of one of the decks is the Star, so I see that there is a hopeful energy to this and that whatever is going to happen, you're going to start feeling more hopeful. But also, promise me you'll be kind to yourselves?   Music:

Golden - Harry Styles Was It Something I Said? - Mykey

[excusetheconfusion]

Day One

It's been a full twenty four hours and I have experienced a whirlwind of emotions.

I've been angry and sad, I've been confused and regretful. I'm not sure what my actual emotions are, honestly.

It's been a long time since I've felt this. Honestly, I've never really felt what this is.

This is different.

In the past, I was full of hate and anger. I was happy to escape because I felt trapped.

That's not what I feel right now.

I think this is what it is to have an adult relationship end, or pause, or whatever it is.

When two adults can actually agree that now isn't the right time.

It is even worse now I think.

Before I was so blinded by infatuation that I couldn't see what was going on around me until it was too late.

That's not what happened this time.

This time was different.

This time there was communication and attempts.

This time, there is still love and no hard feelings...just disappointment.

My chest hurts, it feels like literal heartbreak.

I listened to a podcast today and it said that we would rather have "familiar hurt than unfamiliar pain".

It is so true.

I would rather be in the repeat of the cycle knowing exactly how it will play out compared to this.

This is the unknown.

I don't know what I'll feel next.

I don't know what is normal to feel next.

I'd imagine it is like the stages of grief.

Did you know, that a break up does to your brain what a cocaine addition does?

You get addicted to a person. Your body literally craves them.

Also, did you know that there were studies done on individuals who recently went through a break up? The studies included showing them a picture of their ex and it actually showed functions in the part of the brain that shows physical pain.

Literal heart break.

That feeling in your chest is the flight or fight reaction, but you're standing still so everything expands. Your heart beats fast, your adrenaline releases, and your body doesn't know what to do.

Then it's anxiety.

Women are 60% more likely to experience physical pain after a break up.

There are different phases to a break up.

One of the phases, usually the first one is where you only remember the good. Your brain has a way of shutting out all the not so good memories.

One of the other phases is losing confidence. You tend to lose confidence because you base your confidence off your relationship, well when that relationship fails, you feel like your confidence is gone too.

I've never been codependent physically. As in needed money, shelter, etc from a person. But, you get used to the routine.

Wake up-morning phone call

Through out the day-snap chat, texting, gossiping

Night-dinner, movies, laying together

Repeat

Well, now that cycle is over.

Now you have to find a whole new way to spend your 24 hours.

No more plus one's to a wedding. No more double dates.

It sucks.

It really sucks.

But there is a saying that everyone knows...if you love someone, let them go.

A part to that, that most people don't want to tell themselves is that if you love someone, remember to love yourself more.

Sometimes, you have to love yourself so much that you have to walk away from something that you love.

50% of all couples who break up end up back together.

17% of them split up again.

15% actually stay together.

Who knows what the future holds, but for the alone time that is in-between now and then, there should be reflection.

Being alone is the time for you to learn who you are again.

Learn what makes you happy and what makes you sad.

Learn what your boundaries are and learn what your expectations are.

Learn what makes you tick.

Learn how to control yourself.

Learn what your definition of love is.

It's not easy, it never is.

Change is scary too.

But sometimes change is good.

Regardless of the outcome, you have to make the present count.

Not to waste the alone time you have.

Just in the last 24 hours, I've listened to hours of podcasts, I've googled so much about relationships and break ups.

I've cried, a lot.

I've sat in the hot tub and just drank water and tried to listen to my body.

I've zoned out.

I've vented.

I've made jokes and I've sulked.

I've reread messages that I know will make me sad.

I've looked at pictures that I know will upset me.

I've spent the last 24 hours feeling.

You have to feel before you can heal.

Healing doesn't come overnight.

The average time it takes to get over a relationship is 3 months.

And if you walk away in love, chances are you will probably always love that person.

They say though, to not think of that underlying love as a burden though. To think of it as a gift.

That is your humanity and passion.

That is you allowing yourself to feel and appreciate things for what they are or for what they were or for what they may end up being.

Life is weird.

We meet people and fall in love.

You almost never just walk into love, it's always falling.

One day it's fine and the next day you can't imagine life without that person. You're imagining the American dream.

Wedding, a house, that white fence around the yard.

And then it turns out that isn't the plan.

Part of looking at this like an adult is accepting all the emotions you're feeling. Letting yourself feel and grieve.

Letting yourself heal so you can be a better partner in the future.

Some of it is embarrassing because with today's time, everyone see the profile pictures change, the relationship status change, and the photos that you don't post together anymore.

But, most of the time, we only share the good. We show the highlights to the world, we don't want to show when we are unsuccessful.

This time, I was unsuccessful.

I wasn't able to make things work.

And that's okay.

As humans, we will not win every race.

But, you dust yourself off and try again.

Sometimes you run the same race until you do win, or until you realize that there are too many obstacles.

But you don't know until you try.

Maybe this is another chapter in the book that will continue on, or maybe this is the end and a whole new story will start.

Like I said, we can't predict the future and we won't know until it happens, or doesn't happen.

We are human. We have emotions and needs. We have our own struggles. Sometimes you can lean on the person next to you and work through it together and sometimes you have to step away.

There are no right and wrong choices when it comes to stuff like this.

If there were, then no one would be divorced, no one would be unfaithful, not one would ever be unhappy.

This is trial and error and that's just part of it.

You can't let yourself turn cold.

You have to keep loving and keep giving chances.

You have to try again, or you have to go on that next blind date.

You can't lose faith.

The universe has a strange way of making things work out.

Sometimes, God doesn't answer what you're praying for right know because he knows there is something better in store. Whether it be with someone else, or with the same person but just the better version of them.

Sometimes it's right person but wrong time.

And sometimes it's right time wrong person.

Just remembering that things will be okay. It's going to hurt, but that's part of the human experience. Without pain, we wouldn't recognize love.

[dolly-decadatia]

Intention of the day-

This is so hard to pick out on days without a pressing need. Also, let’s take a minute to focus on the fact that I don’t have a pressing need. I’ve been in constant crisis mode for 3 decades. I was starting to calm down at the end of 2020 and then my health tanked and I went back into crisis mode. I had 1 single therapy appt recently. It was mostly a waste of time but the one relevant theory she had was that because I’d been in such unsafe situations my whole life, the possible reason I got sick recently was because my body finally “felt safe” to do so. Who knows? But yeah, being in crisis mode I always needed something so it would have been easier to set intentions then. I’m sitting here drawing a blank.

Fuck it. I’m going to set an intention based on my reading yesterday. I’m going to be kind to myself.

Incense: cedar (for confidence) however, I only have one brazier. I’ve got mandarin currant wax melting in the living room and I’m about to light frankincense on the actual order in a little while before I do my daily divination. Les Vampires like frankincense.

Candle: pink would be best, especially with sigil carved into the side and anointed with rose oil. (I don’t have any of that.)

Crystals: I have rhodochrosite and rose quartz (nurturing) and tigers eye (self esteem)

Perfume: rose oil

Flowers: roses and lavender

Color: pink

Food: almonds and chocolate are both good for self esteem and by coincidence they were both in my breakfast.

Affirmations: I love the person I becoming

Daily Divination :

Will I ever be beautiful

Underneath: transgression

Flaws, contradictions, mistakes

It’s all about self forgiveness. “Live better, do better, but let the self punishment go. ... Go now and make amends, then give thanks for self forgiveness.”

“Make amends. Take stock, asses, and redirect, and come back into harmony with the voice of your soul.”

This doesn’t appear to answer my question. Maybe all 3 will make sense together, or Les Vampires think this is what I should be worried about instead of my looks.

Heart: creator (inverted)

“...now you call them scientists and they merge cells, transform bodies, change peoples shapes, repair great injury, change destiny. sometimes, it is wonderful, and sometimes, it is most destructive.”

Is this about my weigh loss and plastic surgery obsession?

“Each day with your thoughts, actions, and decisions you create anew the form your natural energies and soul will take... you can recreate yourself”

This part seems like an answer. I’m recreating myself and I need to make sure I nurture this new being with nutritious thoughts and tend it with actions that will help them grow beautiful.

“You are the vessel through which new life and ideas are born... When we create a new one, they struggle and are often confused and in pain.”

Cursed: (because it was inverted) terrifying paragraph that kicked me straight in the tokophobia. May I learn today’s lesson quickly so I never have to read this terrifying bit again. I believe they’re saying raising this new version of me will require sacrifice and inconvenience and be frustrating and joyless at times but they used a triggering cis breeder metaphor to convey their point that I really could have lived without. Point taken. I will undertake this labor. I had already often thought that my transition was very much me suffering through an unknown amount of years and then “delivering” this beautiful peaceful man and happily dying. That man I was supposed to be was still born. Top surgery botched, looks decimated, sick from hrt which is massively unfair seeing as its safe for 99% of other trans people. He’s dead. I must stop mourning him and put all my loving attention on this next baby I’m nurturing. They are nonbinary and long for peace and beauty and community. How I nurture them now colors who they will be when they’re “born.”

Promise: primal

Connecting deep within, sacred dance, instinct

This is very gendered. Second very gendered card of the reading. I’m unsure if I want to continue to work with Les Vampires. We will see how tomorrow’s reading goes.

Anyway it talks about dancing. The thing that I love to do and am grieving not being able to do right now because of pain and illness. It calls dancing “feminine” which is absolutely ridiculous. This cis obsession with gendering inanimate objects and actions is juvenile and stupid. Makes it hard to suspend disbelief that I’m working with immortal wise vampires. Maybe the author put her own spin on what they told her. Still annoying to read.

My action to work with this card to to dance.

And that’s my future.

Dance.

On a question about “will I be beautiful.”

So how do these go together? I do carry a lot of guilt in my past that I beat myself up for. Is this why I’m not currently attractive? All the self abuse. It’s all taken a physical and mental toll? I don’t take care of myself so I’m physically ugly and I’m too busy ruminating on all my failings that my energy is also ugly? The card does make a bit more sense in context with the other 2.

So in the present, I need to let all that self loathing stay in the past and not feed that poison to my “baby”.

So what’s the future? I do what I need to do to be a responsible Sire and then fledgling me is healthy enough to dance and therefore the answer is “yes I will be beautiful”

Or

I leave the self hatred behind, nurture my fledgling and then fledgling me’s “beauty” is the beauty of dancing meaning “no, you won’t achieve physical beauty, but you will achieve a beautiful art form to offer the world.”

I feel uncomfortable. Today more than yesterday I feel the human author behind the guide deck. This is why I’m an atheist. Once holes appear I rip them bigger and look into them. This was why I couldn’t be Wiccan. I had the same problem pretending to talk to a Goddess as I did the Abrahamic God. I was much happier when I was a pop culture pagan because I could just do the LaVey school of “this is theatre because humans need ritual” with characters I was more attached to than deities. If they are all made up anyway, why do pick my faves? I may end up back in Pop Culture Paganism at the end of this journey. It’s too early to tell.

As an ex PCP I can say, ok maybe this is just a book but my belief makes Les Vampires real. Of course I’m spotting an undercurrent of bullshit. It runs through everything.

But still I’m shaken. I had found so much comfort in the concept of loving vampire guides yesterday and now doubt is setting in and my good mood is tanking. It’s going to take a lot of work to resuspend disbelief and try and feel that love again.

In the meantime I accept my task of forgiving myself and nurturing my fledgling .

Later on a thought occurred to me. Maybe all the gross prego talk was because Les Vampires are trying to dumb down the beautiful Sire/ fledgling relationship into terms a human would understand. The bulk of the target audience won’t understand them the way I do. Now I feel bad for having sulky, bratty energy in front of them. I’m going to make amends by forgiving myself like my Underneath card said and nurturing my fledgling like my Heart card said.

[starfleetdoesntfirefirst]

(Discovery Season 3 Episode 4 “Forget Me Not” Spoilers)

Greetings disco friends, here is my attempt at a fix-it fic.

What I mind most of all was them showing his graphic death scene, whether it’s partially-temporary or completely-temporary, after doing the same with Hugh and Michael’s then-death scenes. As far as the future of Gray's plotline goes (this season and into the next, since we know the actor is filming Season 4), I think there's a chance (especially given that GLAAD was helping them write the storyline) that he'll be completely brought back from the dead like Hugh and a chance that he won't be brought back fully but rather will continue to hang around noncorporeally like he's doing now. But either way, as with Hugh and Michael's graphic then-death scenes, that doesn't change the fact that they showed that in this episode.

I think I've reached the point of hard 'no’ on continuing to watch the show myself. (Though of course I completely support y’all in watching or not watching the show, as works for you!) And I’ll still be around here, writing fic based on Season 1 through to this episode.

Also, I’m currently brainstorming ways to put something affirming into the fandom this season while not watching, since I won't be writing fix-it ficlets and…obviously I know no one ~depends~ on my fix-it ficlets, but this community means a lot to me and I guess I want to feel like I'm putting something into the fandom even as I'm (aside from continuing to make content for older season stuff) walking away, if that makes sense? (Maybe some book giveaways of sci-fi books with trans characters, tho that may or may not work logistically/financially, or something like that.) Please let me know if you have suggestions! <3

Dreampt Of More Things

Other, F/F, M/M | Teen And Up | Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings | 2,600 words

ao3 link in a reblog since Tumblr still seems unpredictable about when posts with links are allowed in the tags

and/or, full fic + tags here:

Tags – Jett Reno, Jett Reno’s Wife, Michael Burnham, Hugh Culber, Ellen Landry, Philippa Georgiou (original Captain version), Adira Tal, Paul Stamets, Gray Tal, Sylvia Tilly, Tracy Pollard Adira Tal/Gray Tal, Jett Reno/Jett Reno’s Wife, Ellen Landry/Amna Patel, Hugh Culber/Paul Stamets Grief (Ellen’s) and mentions of Lorca, no serious injury since again we are sidestepping that but very brief description of Adira’s joining surgery, Gray Tal Lives, Jett Reno’s Wife Lives, Philippa Georgiou Lives

Note: This is not an Amna Patel Lives universe (Ellen Landry’s fiancée from Star Trek Online), as I am Making A Point about how no, it’s not that queer stories about loss and grief are bad or that I personally don’t want to write/read them; it’s about context, and how many characters have died over the course of your franchise, and the nature of your franchise, and what to portray versus not portray onscreen (in the context of your show), and how you’ve advertised your characters, and reading the room.

***

“Burning the midnight oil, huh?”

Jett looks up as Michael steps closer to her workbench in the corner of Engineering, raising an eyebrow, as Michael had known she would.

“Here to check my work on your outfit, Commander?” she asks, laconically, before bending her safety-goggled face back to her work.

Michael grins despite herself as she pulls out a chair opposite Jett. “I’m entirely confident in your work, Commander.”

“So you’re here to pester me because…?”

“Because I’m curious to see the work-in-progress. And, more importantly, because I ran into your wife on her way to turn in for the night, and she told me to tell you that she’s taking you out on a fantastic date when all this is over.”

“Where’s she think she’s gonna scare up a place to go out on any kind of date in the ass-middle of the 32nd century?”

Michael grins again. “I think it was a ‘looking for a way to take my wife on a fantastic date and if I cannot find one I will create one’ kind of thing.”

“Yeah, that tracks.” Michael can hear the smirk in Jett’s voice as she fiddles with the wiring on the angel suit’s chestplate.

“Don’t stay up too late, Commander,” she says as she stands. “We’re still gonna need you on shift tomorrow.”

Jett grunts in acknowledgement, and Michael smiles as she walks past the spore cube and towards her quarters for the night.

***

“How are you doing with all this, Landry?” Hugh ventures, after a few days of deliberation, when he and Ellen have a quiet moment alone together at the end of a meeting.

Ellen takes a minute before answering, dropping a PADD into her bag. “One of my security lieutenants said it seemed implausible that we’d be able to find a way to send Burnham back in time, once again, especially with the way the Burn affected ability of the time crystals on Boreth to interface with the suit even if we are granted one.”

Hugh raises an eyebrow and waits, silent.

“I told her that if she thought implausible was going to stop this crew, she must've not been paying attention to half the weird shenanigans they’ve pulled off.”

Hugh smiles wryly. “‘More things in Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy,’” he quotes.

Ellen gives him a look, and he holds up his hands in surrender. “Maybe I’ve been spending too much time around this ship’s surprisingly high number of Shakespeare fans.”

“And we’ve already dreamt of more things, haven’t we?” Ellen asks simply, pausing and leaning a hip against the table. “At this point, it’s just a matter of choosing philosophies.”

High raises an eyebrow again. “That's an interesting way of looking at it, Commander.”

Ellen folds her arms. “Yes, thank you, I am a font of excellent observations, at least when I’m not busy misreading dipshit captains and making the worst choices in the universe. You can stop giving me the sympathy look, by the way.”

Hugh watches her, silent.

“Yes," she tells him in a sing-song voice, "I have in fact experienced one or two emotions while helping prepare for a mission to bring someone back from the dead and knowing I can never bring my own fiancée back.” Her tone drops back to a flat command. “The only person in my, this, situation who actually deserves your sympathy is Amna, and she’s not here to receive it. You’re a busy man; you’re needed all over the place. Go do something clever and medical somewhere.”

Hugh watches her for a moment longer before he says simply, “I’m so sorry. For your loss.”

“Don’t. No.” Ellen’s voice is firm, though without rancor. “Those words are not for me. I am not a good widow. Do you understand that? Instead of honoring my fiancée in any substantive way, I went off and got manipulated by some dipshit. And what’s worse, if it hadn’t been for the manipulation and the secretly evil part, I might not have ever figured out to regret it. Do you understand that? Can you understand that? You’re a good person. Your partner is a good person. Do you know what it is to not just not be able to save her but to get even grieving wrong?”

For a long moment, Hugh considers what to say.

“I think your actions in helping Lorca were wrong,” he says. “I don’t think it’s possible to grieve wrong.”

Ellen, eyes dubious, grunts in a way that could be dismissal, acknowledgement, or something in between.

“Take care, Commander,” Hugh says quietly, heading for the door.

He is nearly in the hallway when Ellen speaks.

“This is part of hers.”

Hugh pauses, turning to face her again. “Hers--?”

“Amna. This mission would have been part of her philosophy.” Ellen’s lip twitches in what could be the shadow of an exhausted smile, voice still blunt and the expression in her eyes still characteristically direct. “Without question.”

***

When Georgiou returns from Boreth, she discovers that Adira has slipped down to the shuttle bay to meet her.

“How did it go?” they ask, hesitantly, eyes wide with some unknown emotion.

“Successful,” she tells them, as the two of them make their way out of the bay together. She pats one strap of her pack. “We now have a time crystal.” Given that Gray’s life rests on having a crystal to power the suit, it’s unsurprising that Adira has been worried.

“No, I mean—I knew you’d be able to do it,” Adira tells her, as if this is obvious, a trust and confidence in their eyes that makes Georgiou’s heart ache. “But, I just, I do talk with the rest of the crew, and they talked about how Pike was so f—messed up by whatever he had to go through to get the crystal, like it was really really…bad. And I just—” They stare at their feet as they walk, sneaking a quick glance sideways at Georgiou. Georgiou knows she probably looks like shit. “If I’d never come to this ship, you wouldn’t have done that for Gray. For us.”

Georgiou stops walking, turning to face Adira, and Adira watches her, their face pinched and anxious.

“Listen to me, Adira.”

Adira nods.

“This might not be something you fully, truly understand until you’re an adult yourself, but when kids are hurt or in danger, it’s us adults' job to protect you. That’s one of the most important parts of being a caring adult Human. Caring adult person,” she corrects herself. “Maybe the most important thing.”

Adira nods uncertainly.

“Saving Gray is the most important thing right now,” Georgiou says gently, as the two of them resume walking. “To all of us. You arriving on this ship was a very, very good thing for so many reasons, Adira. Saving him is one of them.”

“And that’s a go, Burnham!” comes Paul’s voice in Michael’s ear, and she launches herself upwards from Discovery’s stationary hull, the soft interior padding of the red angel suit once again surrounding her as she hovers in space, programming her coordinates.

“Jump commencing in thirty seconds,” she reports.

“Take good care, Commander,” Paul says, his voice gentle in her ear against the silent cushion of the vacuum around her.

“I will.”

A pause of a few seconds. “Adira says ‘good luck.’”

Michael can picture the two of them as they were when she flew out of the shuttle bay, Paul standing at his portable console in the shuttle bay's cobbled-together mission control, one arm around Adira.

“Tell them—” Michael swallows. “Tell them thank you. Tell them that I’ll—tell them that we’ll be back soon.”

“I will.”

The countdown completes, and Michael falls forward into a bright shower of instants.

***

Outside the generation ship, Michael shifts reality out of the timeline with a wave of one Jett-Reno-enhanced suit hand, glancing at the two figures inside the viewport in front of her before tractoring the asteroid off its course. After confirming its trajectory away from the ship, she punches the personal transporter on her chest, materializing inside.

Gray and Adira startle, each making as though to stand protectively in front of the other.

“I mean you no harm,” Michael says quickly. “And you’re both going to be safe. I am going to make sure of that. My name is Michael Burnham, and the next year is going to be very difficult for you, Adira,” she continues, feeling the words tumble from her lips as quickly as she can say them, “but I want you to know that when that year is over, you’re going to see Gray again. Gray,” she says, holding out the unpowered exoskeleton of a second timesuit, “I need you to put this on and come with me.”

Gray steps closer to Adira. “What? No, I—”

“Your name is Gray Tal, and your last name was Senna Tal, and when he was a child his favorite thing to do was to read books to his collection of plush tribble toys,” Michael says.

Gray’s eyes widen. “That’s—“

Michael continues, rattling off former Tal host facts as quickly as she can, before explaining, also as quickly as she can, about the asteroid they’ve just seen her deflect, and the symbiont, and the Discovery.

“Adira needs to have the symbiont,” she explains, “in order not to cause a time paradox. But the modified time crystal in my suit will allow me to shift you—” she nods at Adira—“back into the real timeline in time for the medbots to give you the symbiont. I just need to do it at exactly the right time, so that Gray doesn’t actually die, and you snap back just as the medbots are holding the symbiont.” Do medbots hold things? Hover them? Whatever; she’s getting the point across. And Gray is putting the suit on.

“Luckily, my amazing crewmates have worked out all the timing,” she continues, “so I just need to transport us back outside and then snap the timeline back to the right instant. And, yes, there will be two Tals in the galaxy when you see each other again and I’m sure that will make things very interesting. Ready to go?”

She holds out a hand, and Gray takes it. “I love you, Adira,” he says, as Michael reaches for the transporter.

“I love you too—” Adira says, and Michael and Gray reappear meters away in space. Adira is standing watching them, and standing watching them, and then with a motion of her hand Michael slams them back into the timeline and Gray puts a hand to his mouth over his suit visor as he watches the medbots complete the surgery and place a blanket over Adira, flying the newly-joined Human slowly away down the hallways and out of sight.

“You’ll see them again,” Michael whispers, “in just a minute.”

“Them?” Gray sounds puzzled.

Oh, right. Well, in just moments, there will be ample time for explanations. “Adira. You’ll see Adira, who’s going to be so very, very happy to see you. It will have been a year,” Michael adds, as she pulls up the angel suit controls, “and Adira is going to be so glad to see you again.”

They fall forward into sparking and sparkling time together, and all at once they’re dropping back into the timeline, floating easily in the vacuum in front of Discovery’s shuttle bay.

“Ready?” Michael asks.

Gray nods. “Yeah. I mean—of course I’m ready. I’m ready.”

Michael smiles, floating them into the bay as the forcefield ripples obligingly to let them enter and landing them both on the smooth floor, steadying Gray as his feet make contact.

“Gray?”

Adira is pressing their own hand to their mouth as Michael and Gray release the visors on their suits, and then they take a step toward him, staring as though they don’t quite believe he’s real.

“It’s me,” Gray says quietly, smiling nervously at them. “I’m here.”

This appears to be all the encouragement Adira needs to dash forward, wrapping their arms around him. He hugs them back, eyes closed as he buries his head against their shoulder. Adira is smiling and crying at the same time.

“I’m here,” he whispers to them again.

Michael steps away from the two of them, leaving them to it, and Sylvia hurries forward to wrap her arms around her. “Welcome back, Michael,” she says.

Michael hugs her for several long seconds before releasing her to accept a hug from Philippa and then a pat on the back from Paul as Tracy steps forward to scan her with a medical tricorder. “No adverse effects of the jump,” she reports, smiling.

Hugh is stepping over to do the same for Gray as Gray and Adira finally—though, Michael suspects, temporarily—pull apart. Paul echoes his motion, heading for Adira and rubbing their back before wrapping a supportive arm around their shoulder as Hugh reports that Gray is fine as well and the two teenagers grin exhaustedly at each other.

Michael watches the four of them for another moment, smiling, before turning to glance at the place where Ellen stands at her own console, studiously powering it down. Her eyes flick up just briefly toward the reunion in front of her before she lowers her gaze again, turning and slipping out the doors of the shuttle bay. Michael catches Tracy’s eye, and the two of them walk after her as Sylvia steps over to power her and Paul’s consoles down in turn and Philippa begins the process of packing the rest of mission control up.

***

At 20:00 hours in an undisclosed location on the starship Discovery, Jett’s wife leads her, eyes closed and complaining happily, into a room that has been decorated to a degree that resembles an explosion in a paper snowflake factory, while a few decks up on the bridge, Philippa settles into the captain’s chair for the night shift. Tilly climbs into bed, pulling out her PADD with its book on 30th century Earth, and at the table next to the viewport in Discovery’s rec room, Michael and Tracy sit beside Ellen in silence, keeping her company in her complicated grief. Hugh hums to himself while he brushes his teeth, and Paul yawns as he finishes slipping on his pajamas, stepping forward as Hugh sets his toothbrush back in its holder and wrapping his arms around him, humming deliberately off-key. He garners an eye-roll for his trouble, and two decks down, Gray and Adira sit in Discovery’s mess hall, gazing into each others’ eyes as Adira lapses into silence after explaining how Paul found them in the Jefferies tubes in orbit over Earth.

“You’ve had so many adventures all this time,” Gray says, grinning. “Adira Tal.”

Adira half laughs, shrugging one shoulder. “I guess so.” They look up at him. “I think my adventures are about to get even weirder, Gray Tal.”

Gray grins again. “You know, I didn’t think I or anyone I know was ever going to have the chance to visit the pools. What was it like?”

“Yes, I suppose you would have to ask me what it’s like, since it’s one of the memories we don’t share,” Adira comments with a mischievous grin of their own.

Gray laughs, shaking his head, and they beam at each other in shared exhaustion and confusion and joy as Adira begins their story and the Discovery floats onward through the night.

[mixed-imagination]

Something Borrowed (pt. 4) - Steve Rogers x Reader (ORIGINAL VERSION)

PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE | PART FOUR | PART FIVE

Summary: You and Steve are best friends. You are in love with him, but he doesn’t know. Steve had always had some sort of feelings for you, but he had never realized them until he had found out how you felt.  Unfortunately, Steve is newly engaged to Sharon Carter.

Warnings: some Bucky fluff, & Steve angst - also just letting you know this story is progressive, so i apologize if you hate waiting for the romance. it’ll be worth the wait i swear.

Word Count: 2,500+

Notes: My inspiration for this came from the movie Something Borrowed. ALSO! Please play this gorgeous cover of “Twice” by Little Dragon while you read :D https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1JIZ6nPw2U 

You can put it repeat or play it when I mention it during a certain point of the story. (You can listen to it on Spotify/AppleMusic if you’re on mobile --- the song gives me sad feels #vampirediaries)

Steve’s booming voice alerts the three of you and you rush to scramble to your feet. You exchange panicky looks with Wanda and Nat, not knowing what the heck to do. You are not ready to face Steve right now.

Nat quickly pushes you over the to couch to try to get you to hide.

“Just stand still. I got this,” Wanda whispers harshly at you.

Your eyebrows furrow in confusion. The pace of your breath begins to increase, your anxiety growing rapidly. Your shaky legs hurtle behind the couch. You aren’t sure what exactly Wanda is planning on doing, but you trust her. 

Wanda turns away from you, lifts her hands, and waves her fingers intricately. A red glow generates in her palms, energy seeping out of the tips of her fingers. You know you’ve seen her use her powers countless times, but she never fails to amaze you. Wanda stares intensely at the scarlet ball of energy she created until the orb abruptly disperses throughout the common area.

You see the faded light rapidly pass through everyone and the walls. “Where-where did Y/N go?” Nat’s eyes are wide. You curiously look around and down at yourself if anything has changed, but you don’t feel anything, “What did you---”

Nat’s gaze shoots to Wanda, whispering sternly, “I can hear her, but I can’t see her?”

Wanda turns around for a moment and looks at you, “Only I can see you, Y/N. Don’t speak.” You gulp and shift uncomfortably. Wanda must’ve used her telepathic powers as a type of illusory hypnosis to manipulate everyone around her into not perceiving you.

You dread the moment when you see Steve’s face. You didn’t know how you will react. Will you cry? Smile? Yell? Or have a meltdown? The fear of the unknown is eating you alive with each second that passes. The only thing you are certain about is the fact that you are having an anxiety attack. 

You stand behind the couch in front of the glass walls. You clench your fists and suck your mouth in, biting the inside of your lips.

The second Steve appears Nat and Wanda scurry to look ‘normal.’ Nat quickly hops in the seat you had previously sat in, and Wanda leans her elbow on the kitchen island, resting her chin on her palm.

Steve steps in, and you can feel your heart start to break. The sight of him makes you want to cry all over again. Wanda glances at you and notices the gloom on your face.

He looks absolutely perfect. He’s wearing a white, under armor T-shirt, basketball shorts, and running shoes. The corners of your mouth curve up slightly, adoring the image of him on his morning run. Your smile quickly falters when your gaze falls upon who is beside him --- Sharon. She is sporting something more casual, unlike her agent uniform. She has on a floral blouse, fitted, white suit pants, and tan flats. She looks vibrant.

Your eyebrows scrunch up and your jaw tenses at the sight of them. Steve’s hand is resting on the small of her back, guiding Sharon while she beams up at him.

“Hey!” Sharon chirps.

“Morning, ladies,” Steve smiles broadly. The two spies give each other a quick knowing look. The gesture is not missed by Steve though. 

Nat nods slowly, “G’morning, Cap.” She forks a bite of her pancake into her mouth.

Wanda stands up straight, crossing her arms. The deep, chocolate color of her eyes darken at his presence. “Steve,” his name darkly rolls off her tongue. She gives a tight smile, her expression almost plastic.

The blonde, super soldier raises a brow at their strange responses. Sharon doesn’t know Wanda or Nat well enough to tell that something was up, but you know Steve knows better. The tension is oozing through the walls.  It is so thick, you can cut it with a knife. 

You notice a sort of stare-off forming between Steve and the two women. The awkward silence becomes too dreadfully long that Sharon begins to realize as well. Sharon’s curls bounce as her head whips between them, her bright smile never faltering. She coughs, “Steve?”

Steve snaps out of the contest and turns to her, his smile returning, “You want some breakfast, sweetheart?”

You grimace at their couple-yness. Gross.

Not wanting to cause any more tension, Nat, hops off the bar seat and starts pouring fresh coffee into a mug, “Coffee?”

Sharon nods and walks over, “I would love coffee. Thank you!”

A breath, you didn’t know you were holding, let out in relief.  You are thankful for Nat; you could hug her. Wanda is the type to hold grudges, especially against people who hurt the ones she loves and cares about, so of course, she’s petty towards Steve.

You look down at your palms. You had slightly bloody nail imprints in your skin. You must’ve been so nervous that you didn’t notice you had been digging your nails until you felt the pain. Your thumb runs over the moon-crests as your lips click in a wince.

This noise immediately makes Steve and Nat’s heads turn to your direction. You freeze. Nat is looking your general direction, not actually pin-pointing you, but Steve is looking at you dead in the eyes. You know he can’t actually see you, but his hard gaze starts to build the ache in your chest.  You needed to get out of there, now.

Wanda’s hands squeeze the leather sleeves around her crossed arms and her jaw tenses. She knows I had made the noise. She huffs, making Steve turn back. “Someone else here?” he asks.

“What?” Sharon stirs her coffee, oblivious to what is happening around her.

Nat smoothly spits out, “God, I have to remind Tony that mice are crawling around here.”

You smile slightly at Nat. You take this opportunity to slowly tiptoe towards the elevator, which is a few feet around the corner from the entrance to the common area. You bite your lip as you pass behind Steve’s large being, trying not to look at him.

You press the elevator button. You know once the elevator reaches your floor, the doors would ding open, so you’re going to have to get out of there quickly. You stand there, nervously waiting for it to come.  You can smell Steve’s musky scent, and it pinches the anguish in your heart. God, he always smelled so good. You mentally slap yourself for giving in, but you turn on your heel. Wanda’s eyes widen as she glances at you, silently willing you to stop. Steve doesn’t catch it.

Your head faces his back as you stand there and examine him. You are glad you are slightly behind the corner, meaning Sharon is not in your peripheral vision. You can see Steve’s muscles under his shirt tightening.

He raises a brow at Nat, “Mice? This high up in the building?” He’s onto them.

Your face frowns and your head cocks to the side as you study his being. Memories of yesterday’s events flash in your head. You wonder how this man easily broke your heart. You couldn’t wrap your head around how you ended up in this situation. Heavy emotions start to fill your chest. You didn’t understand why you were so sad. Of course, you knew why, but it was still so unfair to you. You both hated Steve and loved him at the same time. What’s even worse is that you kept punishing yourself. You were making yourself crazy going back and forth with your thoughts. It was exhausting and torturing.

I hate you so much.

Why did you hurt me?

How could I have let myself be in this spot? I’m so stupid!

What did I do wrong?

Before you knew it, tears start rolling down your cheeks. Nat continues to distract Sharon, but the scowl on Wanda’s face vanishes as she stares at you. The image of you in despair pains her almost as much as you hurt. It breaks her heart so much that she loses her grip on her powers; without realizing, her eyes flash red. Steve immediately notices her attention is elsewhere and turns around.

Shit.

At the same time the elevator door dings open, and you whip inside. You punch the “close doors” button and glue your back to the corner. As the doors close, you see Steve standing before you, giving you a confused but concerned gaze. You just stare at him, numb.

“Y/N?”

Your breath hitches at the whisper of your name escaping his mouth. As soon as the doors close, your legs give in and you fall into a crouch, sobbing hoarsely.

~~~

(play this cover of “Twice” by Little Dragon while you continue reading :D https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1JIZ6nPw2U OR listen to it on Spotify/AppleMusic if you’re on mobile --- the song gives me sad feels #vampirediaries)

You decided it was too risky to leave your room. Of course, you wanted to be okay for your friends and the rest of the Avengers team, but you knew Steve was the heart of the group. He was always going to be around somehow.  Therefore, you told FRIDAY to disallow access to your floor, not wanting to be around anyone for a while. Wanda, Nat, and Bucky were blowing up your phone, asking if you were okay, but you ignored it. Steve even called a few times. However, you needed to be alone. You needed to grieve and let it out.

For hours, you were cooped up in your room --- a sad, gloomy song blasting on repeat. You blankly stared up at the ceiling, tears continuously rolling onto your pillow as your own thoughts destroyed you. Occasionally, your numb trance would break and you would weep.

Meanwhile, Wanda, Nat, Sam, Bucky, and Tony were scattered around the common area tensely discussing how to help you.

Wanda grit her teeth, “Tony, she’s all alone up there! Override the lockdown and enable access to her room.”

Tony is leaning on the arm of the couch with his arms crossed. His eyes are locked to the ground. He shakes his head and sighs, “I can’t.”

She steps towards him, a jerks her head back in disbelief, “What? Tony---”

“She needs to be alone for a while,” Sam shrugs. “I agree,” Nat nods.

Wanda’s eyebrows furrow, “Y/N needs us,” she whispers.

Bucky is sitting on the opposite couch from Tony, eyes shifting from one to the other. 

“She can’t be alone, Tony. What if she does something stupid?”

“Don’t worry, FRIDAY is always active. If Y/N disables the lock, FRIDAY will notify me,” he rubs his forehead, “If she even attempts to do something reckless, we’ll all be alerted of it.”

Sam scoffs, “Y/N’s a hell of a woman. She would never do anything.”

Tony nods at Wanda, “She’s a smart gal, Wanda. One of the smartest scientists... after me and Banner, of course.”

The two spies roll their eyes at Tony’s unnecessary comment.

“Shut up.”

Tony chuckles to lighten the tension of the group, “We know her. She’s strong. She’ll get through it.”

Bucky processes Tony’s words. 

He agreed with Tony, but also with Wanda. For some reason he wanted to see you and take care of you. He didn’t know why or how this feeling suddenly emerged, but he finally noticed it when he had woken up before you this morning. He saw your sleeping form and thought you were so beautiful and so fragile. He wanted to continue holding you. He wanted to protect you. 

Bucky knew he always cared about you. You were one of his best friends, of course. But he didn’t know what this feeling even was. Did he just want to comfort his friend or... was it something else?

“Yea, let’s just let her do her thing, and when she’s ready to come out we’ll be here, ready, if she needs us,” Sam’s sucks in his lips and Nat nods in agreement.

Wanda’s looks around at everyone in uncertainty. Her gaze stops on Bucky’s, silently hoping he would be on her side, “Bucky?” In response, he removes his eyes from hers. Wanda huffs, crossing her arms and backing down, “Fine. Have it your way.”

~~~

You are still laying in bed when the window in your room creaks open. Normally, you would freak out, but you are so numb and stuck in a sad trance that you cannot care any less. Your head slowly turns to the noise. You can barely see from behind your blurry tears, but you can make out a large black figure. They have shoulder-length hair.

Your throat is dry and weak, “N-Nat?” you struggle out a painfully soft murmur.

“No, Y/N,” the figure crouches down over you. 

You blink your eyes several times, tears falling, and your vision slowly clears up. You sniffle as your arm weakly reaches out to them. The figure gently takes your hand. You squeeze the hand; it is cold and hard. Metallic.

You knew this hand. You smile slightly, “Bucky...” You can see him clearly now. The wrinkles on his forehead are prominent in heavy concern. He’s wearing a black t-shirt and sweatpants.

“I just wanted to check on you and see if you were okay...” he whispers.

You wipe your puffy eyes, not caring if he sees you like this, “What time is it?” your body rolls towards him.

“It’s late,” he purses his lips, “The AM,” he stands and sits on the edge of the bed. As soon as you feel the bed dip down, you immediately curl up next him, secretly desperate for contact and warmth. “Do you need anything” he places his flesh hand on your head, stroking your hair.

You shake your head, taking in his body heat. 

Bucky wanted to take care of you but at the same time, he didn’t want to bother you. He wanted to “let you do your thing.” He sighs and starts to get up, “I’m going---”

You instantaneously get onto your knees and hastily grasp onto the back of his torso. “NO,” you holler. Your arms wrap around him and your fingers dig into his chest as if you are desperately hanging onto dear life. 

“Y/N...” his heart breaks for you as he sits there.

Your is forehead leaning into the back of his neck. You struggle to suppress it but you let out a quick wail. “Please... Stay with me,” your grip tightens as you weep harder.

Bucky slowly nods and lazily slips into the bed with you. Your cries soften as you snuggle and position yourself comfortably in his arms. You curl into his chest, and you can hear his heartbeat. Its fast rhythm doesn’t give you a second thought. Instead, it comforts you and starts lulling you to sleep.

Throughout the night, the feelings in Bucky’s stomach only grew to confuse him even more. He studied you sleeping form. He could see your face looked severely tired. Usually, he would poke fun at you whenever you had a puffy looking face, but now, all he wanted to do was hold you, and it frustrated him to the core.

oH, bOy.

PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE | PART FOUR | PART FIVE

Notes: god, school just started and i’m already bummed out and feeling down. writing and reading your comments really makes me feel a lot better, so thank you all for the love :) I hope you all stick around with me in this journey throughout this series.

---

ALSO: I will continue to add tags. However, if they don’t work, I am sorrrrry.

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[brokehorrorfan]

Best New Horror Movies on Netflix: Spring 2018

There’s an overwhelming amount of horror movies to sift through on Netflix, so I’ve decided to take out some of the legwork by compiling a list of the season’s best new genre titles available on Netflix’s instant streaming service.

Please feel free to leave a comment with any I may have missed and share your thoughts on any of the films you watch. You can also peruse past installments of Best New Horror Moves on Netflix for more suggestions.

1. The Ritual

The Ritual is the great Blair Witch Project sequel we never got. Although not found footage, it explores many similar plot points as the recent Blair Witch - yet it feels far more fresh and, more importantly, scarier. The first two acts are superbly eerie, and, while it loses a tiny bit of momentum toward the end, it offers a truly imaginative creature design. After memorable segments in several anthologies, David Bruckner's (V/H/S, The Signal) feature directorial debut offers a small but strong cast led by Rafe Spall (Prometheus), well-developed characters, a creative use of flashbacks, and a brilliant atmosphere of dread.

2. Veronica

Veronica's reputation precedes it, as it has been the subject of several high-profile articles touting it as the scariest movie on Netflix. I'm not sure it lives up to that claim, but it's certainly worth seeing for yourself. Based on true events, the film takes place in 1991 Madrid. When 15-year-old Veronica (Sandra Escacena) attempts to contact her deceased father with a Ouija board alongside two fellow Catholic schoolgirls, she becomes haunted by something from the other side. Escacena - an actual teenager - delivers a great performance, and director Paco Plaza ([Rec]) channels James Wan in his expert crafting of frightening set pieces.

3. Before I Wake

Nearly three years after it was supposed to open in theaters, Before I Wake was rescued from rights issues by Netflix. Director Mike Flanagan (Ouija: Origin of Evil, Gerald's Game) has since cemented himself as a modern master of horror, and Before I Wake is another winner. Kate Bosworth (Superman Returns) and Thomas Jane (The Mist) star as a couple who, still grieving the death of their young son, adopt a 6-year-old boy, Cody (a then-unknown Jacob Tremblay, Room). Upon learning that Cody's dreams manifests themselves in reality, the parents encourage him to dream about their deceased son in order to spend more time with him. Unfortunately for everyone, Cody also suffers from nightmares about a creature he calls The Canker Man. It's a bit heavy on exposition, but the film has ample heart and strong visuals. Similar to the work of Guillermo del Toro, Before I Wake blends horror motifs with fantastical and dark dramatic elements.

4. 47 Meters Down

Originally scheduled to go straight-to-DVD in 2016, 47 Meters Down was given a theatrical release last summer, which proved to be an unlikely success. Mandy Moore (This Is Us) and Claire Holt (The Vampire Diaries) star in the underwater thriller as sisters whose shark diving expedition goes wrong. Trapped on the ocean floor, the girls' air supplies are quickly depleting while a swam of great white sharks circles the area. There are a few unfortunate jump scares, and suspension of disbelief is certainly required, but director Johannes Roberts (The Other Side of the Door) takes a mostly grounded, serious approach, crafting a bit of old-fashioned suspense at a brisk pace. Read my full review of the film here.

5. Mute

Mute is a sci-fi mystery, not a horror movie - although it does have a brutal kill at its climax. Aesthetically, the film is total Blade Runner worship - perhaps even more so than Blade Runner 2049 - so it is gorgeous to look at. Set in the near future, the plot finds a mute bartender (Alexander Skarsgård, True Blood) searching the seedy underbelly of Berlin for his missing girlfriend. But it's the B-story - in which Paul Rudd (Ant-Man) and Justin Theroux (The Girl on the Train) play a pair of wise-cracking black market surgeons - that steals the show. Director Duncan Jones (Moon, Source Code), who co-wrote the script with Michael Robert Johnson (Sherlock Holmes), also throws in a fun nod to Moon that sets Mute in the same universe.

6. Nails

Nails occasionally feels like a lesser Insidious movie (particularly Chapter 3, since both involve injured female antagonists), but it'll hit that sweet spot when you're browsing Netflix for something short (only 85 minutes!) and creepy in the middle of the night. After a nasty hit and run, Dana (Shauna Macdonald, The Descent) is left confined to a hospital bed, barely able to speak or move. She believes someone is in the room with her at night; at first, she feels a presence watching her, and then it starts touching. Her family and doctors dismiss her claims as hallucinations from painkillers. It suffers from a bit too much exposition, but there are some strong horror set pieces. The Irish film earns bonus points for being almost entirely contained to the hospital bed without getting stale.

7. Ravenous

Ravenous (also known as Les Affamés) is yet another post-apocalyptic zombie thriller in the vein of The Walking Dead, but it's better than many of its contemporaries. The Canadian production is in French, but it addresses universal themes in its exploration of human drama. In the film, various rogue survivors band together to strengthen their chances of survival among the hordes of infected. Along the way, it introduces a mysterious ritual of sorts that the zombies perform, though it's never fully paid off. Nevertheless, this one is worth a watch if you’re a fan of recent zombie dramas like Maggie, The Cured, Here Alone, and What We Become.

8. Bad Match

The first act of Bad Match resembles a sophomoric “bro” comedy, but it's worth sitting through to watch it blossom into its final form: Fatal Attraction for the digital age. Jack Cutmore-Scott (Deception) stars as Harris, a 20-something tech worker with a tendency to hook up with women from a Tinder-like dating app and then never speak to them again. He finally meets a woman he really likes, Riley (Lili Simmons, Bone Tomahawk), only to have her become deeply obsessed with him. The supporting cast includes Noureen DeWulf (Anger Management), Chase Williamson (Beyond the Gates), Brandon Scott (Channel Zero), and Trent Haaga (Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV).

9. Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters

I'm surprised it has taken this long for Toho to make a Godzilla anime, as both are staples of Japan, and the medium eliminates any limitations caused by having an actor in the rubber suit. Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters is the first installment in a planned anime trilogy. Like many Godzilla films, it spends a tedious amount of time with character exposition before the creatures are introduced. The film is set in 2048, after giant monster attacks have caused the earth to collapse. Humans search space for an inhabitable planet before returning to earth; nearly halfway through the movie, they finally land and start fighting the kaiju. It's an impressive sight when Godzilla finally shows up, as it’s the biggest version of the king of the monsters ever put on screen. With all of the set up out of the way, Planet of the Monsters sets the stage for the next two installments to be even better.

Bonus: The End of the F***ing World

The End of the F***ing World is a British series released in the US as a Netflix original. 17-year-old James (Alex Lawther, Black Mirror) is fairly certain he's a serial killer, but when his would-be first victim, the moody Alyssa (Jessica Barden, The Lobster), invites him to runaway with him, the unstable couple fall for one another. Like Natural Born Killers meets Moonrise Kingdom, their time on the road includes absurd crime, unlikely death, young love, and pitch-black humor. With an engaging story spread out across eight 20-minute episodes, it's virtually impossible not to binge through the entire season in one sitting.

Bonus: Haunters: The Art of the Scare

Haunters: The Art of the Scare is ostensibly a documentary about homemade haunted houses, similar to The American Scream. It profiles a few mom-and-pop haunts, illustrating the communal aspect as well as the strain it can have on personal relationships. But the bulk of the film is dedicated to McKamey Manor, a nonprofit "extreme haunt" run out of certifiably insane guy's house in San Diego. There's a waiting list of thousands of people who are more than willing to be debased on camera for all the internet to see. Deplorable as it may be, it's a fascinating subject that, frankly, should have been the sole subject of the documentary.

[tillthenexttimedoctor]

Of Engine Oil, Tears and Happiness

”No, it’s an actual tear, but it shouldn’t be...”

Gentle, sometimes violent, but always trying to get to the heart of things, there is an emotional pull to the episodes of series 10. It’s found in Bill’s openness, as her emotions and thoughts spill across her face, her words, her imagination. Rarely has there even been a companion so vibrantly, uncompromisingly and genuinely herself, in every way, no matter what happens.

But it also carries us through story about story, calling for empathy and understanding. It’s getting true the true nature of robots and wishes. It’s believing the best of those held in chains and recognising true monsters. It’s realising the truth about a scary house and about a family. It’s about knowing yourself, holding on to who you are even as falsehoods claw at your mind. It’s about finding your fate, even if it’s portals to other worlds or far away from home on Mars. It’s trusting that even evil is capable of goodness, as long as she wants to.

There’ is beauty in reaching out, even when it is scary. Even when the world has been broken and twisted beyond recognition. There is kindness in everyone. There is hope in tears. And that is why Heather’s story could never end with only a mournful goodbye.

Heather’s story begins with open questions and suspicious behaviour. On a show like Doctor Who, strangeness is the sign of a threat or the beginning of an invasion often enough. From her first appearance on, Heather comes across as a dubious figure. In a crowded lecture hall, she stares straight ahead, no sign that she is even registering the content. Encountering Bill at the bar, no words are spoken, just an enigmatic smile. And through it all, a the bright star in her iris, a curious feature on a show on which being human is optional.

And yet, these moments are undeniably framed as romantic. “The day you fall in love”, the Doctor exclaims as the camera rests on Heather’s face. And there, eyes are meeting, two people drawn to each other across a crowded room by a force that seems bigger than themselves. When Bill meets Heather again, our trust in this set up is tested once more, with an odd request that lures Bill to what is clearly a source of danger. A puddle without rain, a reflection that isn’t quite right, and a girl who first beckons Bill to look and then flees the scene.

Heather she sits in an odd spot between different different expectations. It may look like she is leading our heroine into peril, but she makes a poor evil seductress, too rough around the edges. Every revealed detail make her less suitable for a cute romance, drawn out over small encounters. Although even her last name remains unknown, we are given emotional glimpses. Alienation and discontent. She hates her surroundings and rejects who she is. A star is a defect. Something to be fixed.

Still, the very second Heather catches the glimpse of understanding, she begins to reach out, reach back. One moment, she is rude and dismissive, but an “Are you freaking out about something?” is enough to start confiding in Bill, to show her what she is preoccupied with, to admit that she wants to leave wherever she goes. To grant Bill a “maybe” when she asks to come along. These are the tentative beginnings of a romance, with all its unfulfilled promises, built on just one small moment of human connection.

It takes Heather’s transformation into the Pilot for the puzzle pieces of her isolation to truly fall into place. Stripped down to to her wishes and thoughts, she isn’t pushing the outside world away. Where Where Bill complained that her face betrayed her emotions, Heather’s showed detachment and hostility but hid her unhappiness and longing, those other fragments of her depression. Now she is reaching out, through all of time and space, longing for love. Bill is brave enough to reach back, but does not dare to hold on too long.

Mirrors, reflections, echoes, are a defining and essential theme in the Moffat era, from at least the moment on in which Prisoner Zero tries to hide behind an image created from Amy Pond’s mind. Heather is woven from the same thread that send fragments of Clara Oswald through all of space and time, had the Twelfth Doctor wonder about the familiarity of the face he was wearing, or let the ways in which these two characters were the same threaten the universe in the hybrid arc. Plot, monster, characterisation and theme often come together in one cohesive, beautiful whole.

And so the sad young woman finds a single droplet of engine oil left behind by a spaceship and it consumes her until she too is shaped from flowing tears. But among her handful of scenes and a small number of lines, Heather does not only have her physical nature altered. She does not merely shift her shape. Heather changes genre. As a mirror image, as a perfect reflection caught in a pudde, she responds to context, her purpose in the story, her meaning in a scene.

Heather appears as a monster when people believe her to be one. Met with careful trepidation, there barely seems any life in her. “You’re dead,” Bill says and in that moment, Heather might as well be. Emotionless and relentless in her pursuit, the young woman Bill had a crush on seems to have disappeared for good. When feared, this new creature is full of rage. The Doctor, Bill and Nardole run from her and what follows them is a screeching creature of water and fury.

But as that tone shifts, so does our perception of Heather. The Doctor tells a story about looking for connection the image rising from the water softens. When Bill looks upon her rising face with yearning, it is yearning that reflects back. And when she finally realises the truth, it is that overwhelming sadness that we are left with. It’s a goodbye made out of mirrors, until Heather dissolves into tragedy and leaves behind a single tear. And a joyous smile on Bill’s face, later, reminiscing, a quiet promise that this will not be the final chapter in this story.

“World Enough and Time” and “The Doctor Falls” set a stage that could not be bleaker, years of waiting whittling down bones, the violation of cyberconversion stripping away the flesh. And yet, the reponse could not be louder. Bill, impossibly, holds on to who she is even through her horrific ordeal and claims her soul, her face, her freedom to be herself. Missy proves herself to be capable of goodness in extremis, in a way only Missy could. Nardole proves his strength and wit more than once. The Doctor makes his stand, no matter how hopeless, because it’s right and decent.

There is hope in kindness. There is hope found within us. There is hope in tears. There is hope in humanity, in vulnerability, in the ability to feel pain, in the ability to grieve. In the barren wasteland of a battle, Bill cries, wails, and reality itself holds its breath. Magic is needed and so magic is given. Heather could be a source of suspicion, a romantic interest, a monster, a tragedy. And she can be a fairytale when the world screams for one.

Maybe this version of Heather that we meet now is able to speak to Bill because they now share the same nature. Maybe it is because Heather has learned a thing or two on her travels through all of space and time, too. Or maybe the person she is she kisses Bill, when she pilots the TARDIS, is just who she is when someone is actually willing to see her. Someone who accepts her as the sad, alienated woman and the being of immense cosmic power.

As she steps into the starlight to explore all of time and space with Bill, there is a star in Heather’s eye. It used to be a defect that she wanted to get fixed, a fault she found in herself, a taint. Allowed to be anything, to rearrange the atoms of the universe, it remains untouched. The smile on her face, however, is new.

[eminentfocus]

Reality Is Conceptual

“The ‘battle’ is not really against the self, but against the entropy that brings disorder to consciousness.  It is really a battle for the self; it is a struggle for establishing control over attention.  The struggle does not necessarily have to be physical, as in the case of the [mountain] climber.  But anyone who has experienced flow knows that the deep enjoyment it provides requires an equal degree of disciplined concentration.” – Csikszentmihalyi 

Entropy, in psychological reference, is essentially the slow slide into human degradation because of traumas experienced negatively within the consciousness.  Those especially powerful experiences are those in which we feel a lack of control over our environment.  Entropy is also the biggest enemy to the process of growth.  In fact, entropy is growth’s perfect polar negative.  In thermodynamics it explains the heat variable that will cause chaos or a shutdown in mechanics.  In statistics it explains that nothing is absolute, that there are always variables that could change the outcome in complex systems or equations.  In communication it explains how one sentence could be interpreted to mean very different things to different people.  Entropy is essentially the chaos theory in action.  It is literally screaming to us that we have no control over our environments, only the power to adapt.          

We hear it all the time: The only thing constant is change.  So why as humans do the majority of us resist change?  Ready for the quick answer?  Because we are scared to feel and deal with grief.  We choose to stay “comfortable” instead of growing.  We choose to react to our environments based on feelings instead of logically deciding to move forward.  Welcome back to the rabbit hole!

We are half way into the first month of the new year, and as a coach, I can guarantee that many people have spent the first half of the month trying to “quit” something.  Smoking, drinking, food, sex, workaholism, etc.  One client chose to quit smoking and quickly discovered she also needed to leave alcohol alone.  Through a setback and self-discovery, she found it made her smoking craving way more intense than she felt she could handle.  She began this journey before the Thanksgiving holiday and only had one pitfall due to a family party on New Year’s Eve.  For months she had no trouble battling the physical cravings.  She went out to dinner and had wine.  She met up with friends for games and drinks.  She was fine until she faced why she began smoking in the first place.  Everyone in her family smoked freely at the party, so after months of dedication, she did too.  It wasn’t smoking she was addicted to, it was the idea that she had to behave certain ways to “fit in” with her family that she was addicted to.  She created an emotional fantasy that if she didn’t smoke with everyone else, she would be punished and lose important relationships.  She chose to be comfortable and gave way to a cigarette to keep the peace within her broken context.  But why after all that hard work, you may ask?    

Self-imposed beliefs.  We talked previously about how our reality is simply the perception we have formed from our experiences- a fantasy based on trauma.  Reality is not absolute because we create it.  Any action we take or thought that we have that does not result in what we want is a self-imposed limit.  We consciously choose what we think we know over what would move us closer to the goal because it is unknown.  It is uncomfortable and most of us were never taught that we all go through the same process when we change, so we avoid it, and entropy ensues.

”The ‘change curve’ derived from the work of Kubler-Ross, describes the internal emotional journey that individuals typically experience when dealing with change and transition. This journey consists of a number of stages that people go through: shock and denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.”  This is exactly the same man that discovered the well known “5 Stages of Grieving” model.  They overlay because that is what you are experiencing through growth, the loss of your old self.  You are grieving the loss of an older fantasy of yourself.  You are choosing an unknown version of yourself over the idea of the self you have created.  You have lifted the limit you placed on yourself to allow room for growth.  Growth is change.  Growth is uncomfortable because you have to choose to lose.  Change is constant so you have to grow.      

Ready to quit setting yourself up?  Meet me back here next time for a look at naturalizing internal dialogue.

[oathkeptroxas]

I loved your story on dean & laurel but I'm curious what's your take on those who say that Laurel is a gender-swapped version of Dean? If you agree I would love to get your take on the similarities between Laurel and Dean it's the only similarity I can think of is they are the oldest sibling.

Thanks so much for reading it!! :)

I don’t necessarily agree with referring to Laurel as ‘gender-swapped’ Dean because a) I don’t like that term and it’s implications that there are only 2, binary genders, and b) I feel it discredits Laurel’s individual development and dismisses her as ‘oh a female equivalent of something that’s already been done’.

However, there are a TON of parallels between these two that I believe would make them able to understand each other so well! There’s a difference between a similarity/parallel/comparison and ‘they are the same’.

Though Laurel and Dean are of course both older siblings, that’s not a similarity, that’s a narrative fact, a way in which they are the same. It’s the dynamics with their siblings and their individual personalities in how they deal with them that matter.

Dean would do anything for Sam. He’s sacrificed his life for Sam multiple times, Dean is willing to die for Sam at any given moment, no questions asked. When Sam died Dean did what he had to in order to get him back, consequences be damned. He gave up his childhood so that he could dedicate himself to preserving what was left of Sam’s. Keeping Sam safe is his priority.

Keeping Sara safe growing up was Laurel’s priority. Sara was free-spirited, a rule breaker. Laurel did things by the book, was studying to be a lawyer. Sara was prone to getting herself into trouble, Laurel got her out of it. When Sara died Laurel did whatever she could to bring her back, consequences be damned, no questions asked. 

Both Sam and Sara took their older siblings for granted.

Now, in Sam’s case it’s more than forgivable. Dean felt betrayed/deserted by Sam when he left for college, Dean just wanted his family to stay together and hated being alone. However, it’s necessary and healthy to put yourself first sometimes. Sam removed himself from a toxic environment and took the chance to better his life. Yes, it hurt Dean. But it was necessary for Sam’s well-being, even if Dean didn’t understand. Sam may have been far too young when all this started to realize how much Dean gave up for him, and even as the series goes on Sam learns new things about their childhood that allow him to appreciate Dean a little better. Sam’s ‘betrayal’ of Dean is justified and forgivable and not really a betrayal at all (though it felt like one to Dean).

Sara resented Laurel. When Sara told Oliver about how Laurel shut down that party Sara went to and then Sara got grounded and then Oliver and Laurel were dating and Sara said that Laurel only did that to be spiteful and steal Sara’s chance with him. That’s so fucking immature and short sighted?? And totally out of character for Laurel. Now, if you remove Oliver from the equation, Laurel’s actions would have been the same? Her underage sister was lying to her parents, going to a party with older boys where unknown substances were being passed around. Of course Laurel got it shut down? She was being responsible. The fact that Sara made that about a boy because she was jealous is absurd. Laurel had Sara’s best interests at heart and Sara dismissed her as being spiteful. She thought ‘Laurel doesn’t want me to have fun or be happy’, Laurel thought ‘My little sister is putting herself in dangerous situations with people taking advantage of her’.

Laurel and Oliver and Tommy were friends their whole lives. They grew up together. Laurel and Oliver were essentially childhood sweethearts. I’m an older sibling. I know younger siblings follow you around like imprinted ducklings and think that hanging out with the ‘big kids’ makes them cool. Younger siblings having puppy love crushes on their older siblings’ friends is common af. Thea had one on Tommy. So, any ‘feelings’ that Laurel may or may not have known Sara had for Oliver, she could have easily written off as just that? There was no malicious intent on Laurel’s end. Yet, Sara betrayed her by sleeping with her boyfriend to prove a point? And then when Sara returned she started sleeping with Oliver again before she had worked to build the bridges between her family, and then invited Oliver to a family dinner at Laurel’s home when she knew Laurel was going through a hard time? 

Now, Dean and Laurel also had similar dynamics with their fathers. John neglected/abused Dean, he took him for granted and made Dean shoulder the weight of his responsibilities. John even acknowledged ‘you shouldn’t have had to do that, it should have been me saying that to you’. Due to the circumstances, Dean was conditioned to believe that Sam’s well-being was his responsibility, and anything that happened to Sam was immediately his fault.

Laurel’s father emotionally abused her and her mother neglected her because they couldn’t handle the fact that Sara was gone. So, Laurel, not being given the chance to grieve her sister and boyfriend (who died whilst fucking behind her back) then got deserted by one parent and mistreated by another. Laurel became Quentin’s carer through his alcoholism and shouldered his responsibilities, despite her own trauma. Quentin even said ‘she was my rock’ because he used Laurel as a emotional crutch and leaned on her constantly whilst offering her constant criticism for her choices. He blamed Oliver for what happened to his family, and in a way blamed Laurel by association, because if it wasn’t for her relationship with him, Oliver wouldn’t have been in the Lance’s lives.

Alcoholism is another comparison. Alcohol is a huge coping mechanism for Dean. We see him wake from nightmares and immediately reach for a bottle, regardless of what time of day it is. Dean is drinking beer or whiskey in almost every episode. It helps him deal with his trauma. It’s not healthy but he’s dependent on it. Despite this dependency though, Dean is a high-functioning alcoholic, in the sense that his addiction does not hinder his ability to live his life and do what he needs to.

Laurel’s alcoholism hit her harder. She was never a big drinker, she didn’t even drink socially very often and not excessively. She went from 0-100. And with an alcoholic father (addictive personalities and substance dependencies can be hereditary) it was almost inevitable that she would become dependent, and that it would become a vice. She couldn’t control it, whereas Dean was able to control his to the point where, though he drank a lot, he did so to cope. Laurel started drowning her sorrows only for it to overrun her entire life, she lost control. Dean’s experiences with the mark of Cain and the first blade are a prime example of an addiction gone wild. Both Dean and Laurel have addictive personalities. This is also shown in their steadfast determination in doing whatever they can to reach an end they’ve set themselves.

Dean saw Charlie as an adoptive sister, they had a lot in common, he loved spending time with her and Dean is a big believer in finding and building a family. Laurel was exactly the same with Thea. Laurel was there for Thea more than Oliver was.

Dean uses meaningless sex as a coping mechanism for his trauma, his lifestyle doesn’t afford him the opportunity to commit. Yet, despite this, Dean has never forgotten the name of any of his one night stands. Dean wanted to build a relationship with Cassie Robinson, she was the first person he came clean about his life to. It was Cassie who turned him down, she knew they would grow to resent each other if they pursued something long distance and didn’t want that for them or herself. Dean was so enamored by Lisa Braeden after their weekend long fling literally years prior, that when he was given a year to live and found himself in her hometown one day, he tracked her down. He thought he was on borrowed time and didn’t want the opportunity to see her again to pass him by. When he found out she had a kid, he was shocked but not in any way upset that child could be his, was even disappointed when Ben wasn’t. He left them without attempting to pursue anything because at the time he believed he was going to die and didn’t want to allow Lisa and her son to become attached to him because he wouldn’t be around much longer. Dean had recurring dreams about a life with Lisa where he adopted Ben.

Laurel (as far as we know in canon) has only ever dated two men: Oliver and Tommy. Two boys that she grew up with and knew her whole life and trusted implicitly. We don’t know how exactly Tommy and Laurel first hooked up, but we know that during the time Oliver was gone it was strictly casual. It was more than likely a coping mechanism, they trusted each other, they comforted each other over the fact that they’d both lost Oliver and one thing led to another. She took comfort from someone who knew what she was going through instead of finding meaningless sex elsewhere. We see in flashbacks how Laurel had planned her and Oliver’s lives together and imagined getting married, how she told Oliver she wanted to move in together. Both Laurel and Dean are ‘all or nothing’ types. They are able, and often want to, commit. They love with every part of themselves, but sometimes other things just get in the way.

Which leads me to my next comparison, perhaps the most important one: Dean and Laurel are both loyal to a fault. They have forgiven people who never deserved it countless times. They’ve always put the well-being of others before themselves. They’ve been walked over and disregarded by people they loved yet they can’t help but still love them. Their sense of loyalty and family is unfaltering, even at the detriment of themselves. And despite this, they fight to keep the people they have and they don’t think they are deserving of the love they receive. Dean once said “sooner or later everybody’s gonna leave me.” Laurel once said “What is so wrong with me that everybody leaves?” They both fear abandonment because the people they devoted themselves to never showed that loyalty in return. 

These two would honestly be perfect for each other because their beliefs are cemented in the same ideals. I think they’d have an incredible dynamic and they’d understand each other so well. I’m sure there are things that I’m forgetting but this got long as hell and this is just the big ones that jump out at me. I’m sure @laurelwinchester would know more about this :)

[trendingnewsb]

I Document The Progression Of My Rare Disease In Heartbreaking Illustrations

At age 20 I set out to complete an Industrial Design Bachelors degree. At the same time I began experiencing mysterious physical symptoms, symptoms that would lead me to an unimaginable future.

I went from kicking soccer balls, running and leading an active life to making use of leg braces, canes and today a full-time wheelchair. After 5 years of searching for a name for this uninvited stumbling block, I would learn I had an extremely rare muscle deterioration genetic condition called HIBM (today it’s called GNEM) which could take my once active body to quadriplegic state. This rare condition affects one to three thousand people worldwide. My condition is known to the medical world as an “orphan disease” which is ironic since I was born an orphan in South Korea.

All the doctors told me there was no hope, I was too rare to ever meet another patient like myself and I should quit college and lead a less ambitious life. According to their medical textbooks my future looked bleak.

After completing my Bachelors I flew to California and found a design job as a toy designer. I also found brothers who had my condition. One is a doctor, the other a research scientist. Together they set out to help propeladvocacy and research science for HIBM. I was no longer alone and the medical world was wrong.

My world had opened and I began advocacy to help spread awareness about my condition. I offered my design services and fundraised but it’s hard for people to empathize with medical textbook definitions so I began blogging about my personal experiences with HIBM. Then I realized some respond to stories visually. So I taught myself illustration and began drawing out my experiences to raise awareness. I hoped my simple drawings would not only educate the viewer about HIBM but also the viewer could see themselves in my drawings and relate it to their own struggles.

18 year later I’m wheelchair bound but live life even larger than when I was able bodied. I’m constantly traveling and participating in daredevil stunts. My upper body has begun weakening and one day could be immobile, unable to draw…So, what do you do when you find out your future will be different than you thought? You draw, you live.

More info: kamredlawsk.com | Facebook

It’ll Be Alright

At the time of this drawing I was still walking but I could literally feel my steps slipping away from me, as I was fitted for my first wheelchair. I was saddened. This was a significant milestone—one that I had done my best to avoid, hoping I would make it to clinical trials and bypass the chair completely. If HIBM (aka GNEM) was like a tree, this is how it spreads, with a ball of yarn clinging to me, drawing me in closer and closer. I titled the illustration, “It’ll Be Alright,” because this is what I tell myself as I push through the increasingly difficult stages of this condition.

I Don’t Want To Be An Inspiration Today

Being an advocate and public about my condition makes me feel like this most of the time.

I often hear “You’re an inspiration”. I get it. I say this to others too. But the truth is I don’t want to be an inspiration. Sometimes this comment makes me feel like a fraud. Like I’m on a pedestal under false pretenses because I don’t want to be an inspiration. The “inspiration” just wants to be normal, preferably unknown.

Daydreaming

Much of my work involves female figures – adult and/or childlike. They are me and come in many forms. Sometimes it’s a juxtaposition of me being able to run as a child versus being wheelchair bound today. Sometimes it’s a commentary on the relationships between our childlike versions versus our more stoic adult versions. Our freer self versus our fearful self. Beauty and pain. Humility and perspective. Stillness and turbulence – it’s our struggles personified in some distant dream-like land. The past, present and future lies within each of us and they battle for dominance and recognition.

Many of my environments are inspired by recurring childhood dreams.

Please Don’t Leave Me

This represents the degradation of my upper extremities. One day I looked down at my hands and realized they began mirroring other HIBM patients whose hands and fingers have progressed into languid fixtures. What has happened to my legs is now happening to my arms, fingers, hands, shoulders and neck. It’s a hard experience. An unexpected and unwelcomed life lesson.

Losing your legs is one thing but losing your arms, hands and fingers is an entirely different experience. With each level of progression I’m reminded of the depth and severity of this condition. Pieces of me are disappearing like sand in the wind and time continues to haunt me.

Waves

Waves of life inevitably grab us, its how we sail through the turbulence that matters.

Better Days Ahead

I love window light and its endless patterns. They are so simple, yet so graphic and descriptive. They tell a story of their travels; where they have been, where they are going.

Window light seeping in between blinds always makes me think of solitude, loneliness and contemplation. It makes me think of the days you don’t want to get out of bed, when you would rather let the strips of light lay on your body and make it bend to you rather than bending to life. Enough warm light to caress your face, as if those strips bring you some connection to the outside world, but hidden enough to stay disconnected so no one can see you. We all have bad days. Today, tomorrow or the future sometimes taunts us. The things we are struggling with, whether it be a disease, disability, depression, death, loss, relationships or life’s obstacles that seem to hold us down with little hope. In those moments I turn my head towards the warm ray bans and murmur to myself, “Better days are ahead”.

Baby Mine

As an adoptee it was a dream to have children, particularly a daughter. But some dreams never come true. In order to keep moving, you have to gently send them off into space and move onto new dreams.

Oneiros and I

Oneiros (the monster lurking in the trees) is the HIBM monster that follows me. It’s a part of me. A part I don’t want, nor invited, nor created but a part of me, nonetheless.

He knows not what he does, only that he has to be with me. He grieves and ponders over my constant desire to escape him. My apathy for him saddens him. This is what he was designed for.

HIBM is Oneiros. Like an innocent child, he has real feelings, real purpose and a real attachment to me. Sometimes he does wonderful things for me and other times I want to be left alone. I’m waiting for him to leave. He is a constant reminder of my past, present and future.

It’s a part I have no control over. A part that is both good and bad, creating shaded grey areas of emotions. I can’t be completely angry over something that has brought about such perspective but perspective is sometimes painful but there is no way around it. It’s a process of working with our little monster. And so in my head I’ve personified him, an entity that also has real emotions, hurt and pain.

So here we are. We have a relationship. There is an Oneiros in all of us.

Raven Girl

Cycle of life. From pain there is beauty, from beauty there is pain.

What’s Everyone Staring At?

“What’s wrong with you?” is a common question I get from immediate strangers. Society tends to like what is the same and easily defined so when something different “rolls” in it can sometimes feel like this. However difficult this condition is, stripping me of choices and the life I wanted for myself, I can still say that I love that I am unique. It has taught me so much, and I have never been as confident as I am today. Uncomfortable can be a good thing. In fact, I say, the more you can put yourself into uncomfortable situations, the better.

To those who ask, “What’s wrong with you?” I answer, “There is nothing wrong with me. I’m just fine.”

Ponytale

In 2013 I wrote: “My hair has been short for the last few years but recently I have been growing it out. My shoulders, arms, hands and fingers are significantly weaker than they were a year ago. This makes tasks like washing my hair, blow drying and doing something as simple as tying a ponytail much more difficult and glaringly obvious of what has left and what is leaving.

I remember grabbing my hair and tying it up with a rubber band as a child, teenager and young adult. Never did I give this act a second thought. It was effortless. It took a second to accomplish. I took it for granted.

Last month I tied my hair for the first time in years and frustratingly took five minutes to achieve. My weakened shoulders make it difficult to raise my arms. Holding a bundle of hair now gives my diluted fingers a challenge.

“This has never been hard in the past,” I thought. “NOT this, too…”

With a progressive condition there is no end, no finale, no rest. This trivial task serves as a reminder of things to come. It is the moments that make up a story.

In Pieces

Signs

One weekend I was exploring and paid particular attention to a row of street signs. “Are they talking to me?” I wondered.

Like Them

One afternoon at a traffic light I looked up and saw a flock of birds sitting on a telephone line. The day was overcast and those birds felt ominous. I felt like they peered down at us, watching us before they in unison flew into the sky and disappeared. I thought “freedom”. And I wanted to be like them.

Essence Remains

What Is Sexy?

Growing up, I never saw “sexy” and “beautiful” figures offered to me in the form of a “disabled” person. This inevitably fed an initial perception of disabled persons being essentially “asexual.” Obviously, now that I am an adult with the intimate experience of being “disabled,” I know that such an idea is completely wrong.

And, yet, I have to say that, while perspectives are slowly changing, society still largely looks at disabled individuals as objects of care or somebody one is obligated to be nice to.

The disabled are often desexualized, ignored and babied, and if one happens to have a partner, then that person is deemed some kind of saint for even considering taking on the wounded—as if disabled individuals are incapable of inspiring romantic love or eroticism. A person’s physical dependence on others is automatically equated with emotional and intellectual dependence, and many can’t seem to fathom how one could even have the brain space to think about sex.

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2ipHxze via Viral News HQ

[trendingnewsb]

I Document The Progression Of My Rare Disease In Heartbreaking Illustrations

At age 20 I set out to complete an Industrial Design Bachelors degree. At the same time I began experiencing mysterious physical symptoms, symptoms that would lead me to an unimaginable future.

I went from kicking soccer balls, running and leading an active life to making use of leg braces, canes and today a full-time wheelchair. After 5 years of searching for a name for this uninvited stumbling block, I would learn I had an extremely rare muscle deterioration genetic condition called HIBM (today it’s called GNEM) which could take my once active body to quadriplegic state. This rare condition affects one to three thousand people worldwide. My condition is known to the medical world as an “orphan disease” which is ironic since I was born an orphan in South Korea.

All the doctors told me there was no hope, I was too rare to ever meet another patient like myself and I should quit college and lead a less ambitious life. According to their medical textbooks my future looked bleak.

After completing my Bachelors I flew to California and found a design job as a toy designer. I also found brothers who had my condition. One is a doctor, the other a research scientist. Together they set out to help propeladvocacy and research science for HIBM. I was no longer alone and the medical world was wrong.

My world had opened and I began advocacy to help spread awareness about my condition. I offered my design services and fundraised but it’s hard for people to empathize with medical textbook definitions so I began blogging about my personal experiences with HIBM. Then I realized some respond to stories visually. So I taught myself illustration and began drawing out my experiences to raise awareness. I hoped my simple drawings would not only educate the viewer about HIBM but also the viewer could see themselves in my drawings and relate it to their own struggles.

18 year later I’m wheelchair bound but live life even larger than when I was able bodied. I’m constantly traveling and participating in daredevil stunts. My upper body has begun weakening and one day could be immobile, unable to draw…So, what do you do when you find out your future will be different than you thought? You draw, you live.

More info: kamredlawsk.com | Facebook

It’ll Be Alright

At the time of this drawing I was still walking but I could literally feel my steps slipping away from me, as I was fitted for my first wheelchair. I was saddened. This was a significant milestone—one that I had done my best to avoid, hoping I would make it to clinical trials and bypass the chair completely. If HIBM (aka GNEM) was like a tree, this is how it spreads, with a ball of yarn clinging to me, drawing me in closer and closer. I titled the illustration, “It’ll Be Alright,” because this is what I tell myself as I push through the increasingly difficult stages of this condition.

I Don’t Want To Be An Inspiration Today

Being an advocate and public about my condition makes me feel like this most of the time.

I often hear “You’re an inspiration”. I get it. I say this to others too. But the truth is I don’t want to be an inspiration. Sometimes this comment makes me feel like a fraud. Like I’m on a pedestal under false pretenses because I don’t want to be an inspiration. The “inspiration” just wants to be normal, preferably unknown.

Daydreaming

Much of my work involves female figures – adult and/or childlike. They are me and come in many forms. Sometimes it’s a juxtaposition of me being able to run as a child versus being wheelchair bound today. Sometimes it’s a commentary on the relationships between our childlike versions versus our more stoic adult versions. Our freer self versus our fearful self. Beauty and pain. Humility and perspective. Stillness and turbulence – it’s our struggles personified in some distant dream-like land. The past, present and future lies within each of us and they battle for dominance and recognition.

Many of my environments are inspired by recurring childhood dreams.

Please Don’t Leave Me

This represents the degradation of my upper extremities. One day I looked down at my hands and realized they began mirroring other HIBM patients whose hands and fingers have progressed into languid fixtures. What has happened to my legs is now happening to my arms, fingers, hands, shoulders and neck. It’s a hard experience. An unexpected and unwelcomed life lesson.

Losing your legs is one thing but losing your arms, hands and fingers is an entirely different experience. With each level of progression I’m reminded of the depth and severity of this condition. Pieces of me are disappearing like sand in the wind and time continues to haunt me.

Waves

Waves of life inevitably grab us, its how we sail through the turbulence that matters.

Better Days Ahead

I love window light and its endless patterns. They are so simple, yet so graphic and descriptive. They tell a story of their travels; where they have been, where they are going.

Window light seeping in between blinds always makes me think of solitude, loneliness and contemplation. It makes me think of the days you don’t want to get out of bed, when you would rather let the strips of light lay on your body and make it bend to you rather than bending to life. Enough warm light to caress your face, as if those strips bring you some connection to the outside world, but hidden enough to stay disconnected so no one can see you. We all have bad days. Today, tomorrow or the future sometimes taunts us. The things we are struggling with, whether it be a disease, disability, depression, death, loss, relationships or life’s obstacles that seem to hold us down with little hope. In those moments I turn my head towards the warm ray bans and murmur to myself, “Better days are ahead”.

Baby Mine

As an adoptee it was a dream to have children, particularly a daughter. But some dreams never come true. In order to keep moving, you have to gently send them off into space and move onto new dreams.

Oneiros and I

Oneiros (the monster lurking in the trees) is the HIBM monster that follows me. It’s a part of me. A part I don’t want, nor invited, nor created but a part of me, nonetheless.

He knows not what he does, only that he has to be with me. He grieves and ponders over my constant desire to escape him. My apathy for him saddens him. This is what he was designed for.

HIBM is Oneiros. Like an innocent child, he has real feelings, real purpose and a real attachment to me. Sometimes he does wonderful things for me and other times I want to be left alone. I’m waiting for him to leave. He is a constant reminder of my past, present and future.

It’s a part I have no control over. A part that is both good and bad, creating shaded grey areas of emotions. I can’t be completely angry over something that has brought about such perspective but perspective is sometimes painful but there is no way around it. It’s a process of working with our little monster. And so in my head I’ve personified him, an entity that also has real emotions, hurt and pain.

So here we are. We have a relationship. There is an Oneiros in all of us.

Raven Girl

Cycle of life. From pain there is beauty, from beauty there is pain.

What’s Everyone Staring At?

“What’s wrong with you?” is a common question I get from immediate strangers. Society tends to like what is the same and easily defined so when something different “rolls” in it can sometimes feel like this. However difficult this condition is, stripping me of choices and the life I wanted for myself, I can still say that I love that I am unique. It has taught me so much, and I have never been as confident as I am today. Uncomfortable can be a good thing. In fact, I say, the more you can put yourself into uncomfortable situations, the better.

To those who ask, “What’s wrong with you?” I answer, “There is nothing wrong with me. I’m just fine.”

Ponytale

In 2013 I wrote: “My hair has been short for the last few years but recently I have been growing it out. My shoulders, arms, hands and fingers are significantly weaker than they were a year ago. This makes tasks like washing my hair, blow drying and doing something as simple as tying a ponytail much more difficult and glaringly obvious of what has left and what is leaving.

I remember grabbing my hair and tying it up with a rubber band as a child, teenager and young adult. Never did I give this act a second thought. It was effortless. It took a second to accomplish. I took it for granted.

Last month I tied my hair for the first time in years and frustratingly took five minutes to achieve. My weakened shoulders make it difficult to raise my arms. Holding a bundle of hair now gives my diluted fingers a challenge.

“This has never been hard in the past,” I thought. “NOT this, too…”

With a progressive condition there is no end, no finale, no rest. This trivial task serves as a reminder of things to come. It is the moments that make up a story.

In Pieces

Signs

One weekend I was exploring and paid particular attention to a row of street signs. “Are they talking to me?” I wondered.

Like Them

One afternoon at a traffic light I looked up and saw a flock of birds sitting on a telephone line. The day was overcast and those birds felt ominous. I felt like they peered down at us, watching us before they in unison flew into the sky and disappeared. I thought “freedom”. And I wanted to be like them.

Essence Remains

What Is Sexy?

Growing up, I never saw “sexy” and “beautiful” figures offered to me in the form of a “disabled” person. This inevitably fed an initial perception of disabled persons being essentially “asexual.” Obviously, now that I am an adult with the intimate experience of being “disabled,” I know that such an idea is completely wrong.

And, yet, I have to say that, while perspectives are slowly changing, society still largely looks at disabled individuals as objects of care or somebody one is obligated to be nice to.

The disabled are often desexualized, ignored and babied, and if one happens to have a partner, then that person is deemed some kind of saint for even considering taking on the wounded—as if disabled individuals are incapable of inspiring romantic love or eroticism. A person’s physical dependence on others is automatically equated with emotional and intellectual dependence, and many can’t seem to fathom how one could even have the brain space to think about sex.

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