#he NAILS the middle ground between conveying the emotion of a scene and still being a separate narrator

[its-your-mind]

HEY. HEY.

HEY @re-dracula WHAT GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO HAVE JONATHAN ACTUALLY READING THAT PASSAGE OUT LOUD BEHIND SEWARD DESCRIBING THE SCENE, HUH? WITH THE TEARS IN HIS VOICE AND THE PAUSING AND THE SHORT LITTLE INHALES AND THE VOICE CRACKS? WAS IT TRULY NECESSARY??? I WAS ALREADY CRYING. I DIDN'T NEED THIS TOO. WHAT THE FUCK.

[zombriekid]

Exposure Therapy [Alucard/Gender Neutral Reader]

Series: Hellsing

Summary: the “long awaited” sequel to inhuman; “... this pseudo exposure therapy meant to suture the scabbed rift that severs the burgeoning bond between you and Him. Because you weren’t the only one afflicted that day...”

Warning: body horror; mentions of a developing panic attack

In the dark space behind closed eyes is where you dwell, drawing in slow, deliberate breaths through your nose until your lungs expand to max capacity, and then gradually pushing them back out through pursed lips. It’s an exercise in composure, done in the hopes of barring your heart from its incessant lofty flutters and reigning in your mind before it runs off with itself- and oh how it wants to run.

As stubborn as the skull it occupies and twice as thick, your brain is relentless in its pursuit of diving headfirst into the depths of your psyche where a veil of writhing black shadows and glistening fangs patiently wait for a mere glimpse, the smallest window of opportunity to present itself so the trauma can swallow your anxiety whole and gnaw and chew until you’re nothing but a raw, mangled mess left for an endless audience of red eyes.

But in this moment, contained within the dark walls of sir Integra’s study with said employer standing in as something of a mediator, you can’t allow your abysmal memories and hellish imaginations to roam amok. You need to do this.

So you roll your shoulders back and lift your chin with eyes sealed shut still; when next your vision clears you want Alucard to be the first thing you see. “Okay, I think I’m ready.”

“’You think?’” A familiar baritone questions, tone clipped and pronunciation short. Something in your gut tells you that He’s just as perturbed as you right now.

Which brings to mind the precise reason why you’re enduring this psychological torture- this pseudo exposure therapy meant to suture the scabbed rift that severs the burgeoning bond between you and Him. Because you weren’t the only one afflicted that day, when a squadron of very human and very panicky soldiers mistook you for a shambling corpse and in your moment of hesitation- they weren’t monsters, after all- this unit of bullet proof vests and combat rifles perceived you a threat. A barrage of deadly, metallic projectiles fired your way, poised to shred your body into grisly confetti were it not for Alucard and His impeccable timing. That was lucky for you. However, the method of which He saved your skin rained pure hell on your simple mortal understanding.

“Are you absolutely sure, Murray?” You hear sir Integra ask, it being the first she deems her intervention appropriate since opening her office door to you tonight. “You must be certain that you’re truly ready.”

Because this isn’t just for your sake, is the unspoken line and you don’t dare to outwardly acknowledge it. The air in the room is already volatile enough, there’s no need to strike a match by dragging His vulnerability further into the light when He’s allowing you this favor. After all, He doesn’t have to forgive you or your rejection.

“I understand,” you say with a quiet voice that’s quickly succeeded by a single firm nod, “and I’m ready.”

What follows next is a moment of silence, a heavy one, the tension pulled taut like an elastic band ready to sever and snap. But when the moment trickles into two, then three, and the ticking of the old grandfather clock in the corner of the study becomes too loud, it’s only now that you have clarity of the situation.

Alucard isn’t ready.

You’ve seen this side of Him before; He’s revealed Himself to you once in all of His abominable glory, and though it was under less than favorable conditions He still posed no threat to you then, and yet you... you couldn’t handle it. Couldn’t take it. And when you fully recovered from that episode, cleared to go out on missions and be a productive Hellsing employee again, you went back on your bullshit and withdrew from Him once more- entirely far too reminiscent of when you first worked together.

The intent was to allow your mental health to sort of grow metaphorical callouses, become accustomed and then desensitized to the fact that you came face to face with the physical embodiment of His monstrous and so very negative energy- that a large group of people were killed because of your incompetence. Be jaded enough so that you wouldn’t be reduced to a puddle of anxiety and panic attacks whenever He came near.

But you never conveyed any of this to Him.

An educated guess on your end, He likely interpreted your deliberate absence as you shunning Him; you can accept Him when He’s subdued and complacent and obediently following the orders of His master, but underneath the pretty facade? When His emotions overwhelm Him and all of His terrible power outgrows His vessel and literally tears Him asunder? That you can’t accept. Again, it’s all your own unconfirmed speculation, but from His perspective you rejected the real Him.

And by scorning Him you had hurt Alucard, and that’s why He’s apprehensive to reveal this part of Himself again.

And truth be told you did reject Him, as unintentional as it was, and you should’ve found a way to tell Him that you were working past this before the silence gave an answer for you. But you didn’t and now you’re dealing with the consequence.

You have one shot at this so don’t fuck it up or you’ll lose Him forever.

Hands curl into fists until the nails dig into the meat of your palms, you feel your spine straighten out and harden and both of your eyes peel open to the sight of fear.

Alucard’s fear, complete with a furrowed brow and rigid frown and red eyes scanning the scene before Him, and judging by the way His shoulders are glued to His chair you note that He’s bracing Himself.

There’s an ache in your sternum.

You look Him in the eye and tell Him that you’re ready, and if He notices the tension of the skin around your knuckles then He doesn’t say anything.

His energy shifts.

You draw a full breath into your lungs.

The air crackles.

You feel queezy.

His body splits open like a plastic bag melting from fire.

****

Breathe.

Repeat this mantra.

Inhale through your nose, one, two, three; exhale through your mouth, five, six, seven.

A whirlwind of noise entangles all around you, of screechy scurrying vermin and disembodied howling and inhuman whining; hundreds of voices topple over each other in a cacophony of horror and discord, all vying for your recognition yet never enough to make your ear drums bleed. Still you feel your own body trying to rob you of oxygen.

Look for Him, find Him. Ground yourself. You’re in no danger here.

No.

Your eyes widen with the dawning realization in your head. 

No, you’re not seeking Him out. You match the attention of a particularly large eye towards your right side and you know that He’s here. The coils of rolling impenetrable shadows, the rows upon rows of jagged teeth snapping and snarling at the air, the congregation of numerous red eyes- unblinking, ever searching- solely focused on your every move... is Him. This assembly of chaotic entropy is Alucard- no matter how much your human psyche tries to, you cannot separate the monster from the man.

Your chin quivers; and you either accept all of Him, everything of who and/or what He is, or nothing at all and you forgo the bond between you two.

Swallowing around a hard knot lodged in the middle of your throat, willing yourself to just fucking breathe despite the fact that your skin is prickling with the tell tale signs of a mounting panic attack, you gently reach out into the darkness with an open palm until your fingertips breach a smoky, far too cold plume.

To your surprise, it solidifies into cool flesh.

_______________________________________________________________________

a/u: i don’t think you guys realize how genuinely proud of this i am; like it’s probably arrogance on my part but i don’t think anyone’s tried to tackle something like this with alucard/reader-insert fanfic before? or at least from the angle i’m comin in at? i dunno, like i don’t think this is the absolute best thing i’ve ever written but this development just feels freakin organic and unique to me y’all and i’m so happy/proud that i did it! teamwork makes the dreamwork so if you guys liked it then please hit the heart button, leave a comment about what you personally liked- or if there’s something that doesn’t sound right to you then lemme know- and reblog this fic so other people can see it! and i’ll catch you gorgeous people on the next piece <3