#he can't even disown him because Alfred would be

[aphetaliamessages]

Top 15 Weirdest Shit Alfred F. Jones has Eaten

1. pop rocks and mountain dew

It was an act of protest like "Imma explode and you'll all be sorry!" It just gave him a tummy ache.

2. ketchup on ice cream

Francis can't be in the same room or else he'll puke.

3. a marshmallow while it was still on fire

Spent the rest of the night eating snow.

4. a magnet

He wanted to see if it would still work through his body. It didn't. Thank goodness, cus he would've eaten more if it had—wanted to be Magneto.

5. tea with chocolate milk

Arthur almost disowned him, but then he tried it and changed his mind.

6. random plants

That's all he did during recess as a kid—eat plants.

7. Australia's homework

"What are you, a dog??" Alfred WISHES he were a dog.

8. maple syrup on spaghetti

Matthew strangles him while Alfred laughs like the maniac he is.

9. dog food

He wanted to see if scooby snacks were a real thing.

10. rat poison

"It says RAT POISON, not PEOPLE POISON."

11. a switch cartridge

Was trying to do that thing where people were licking them but accidentally put the whole thing in his mouth. It was Super Smash Bros.

12. gold coins

When Arthur was a pirate, little Alfred found some gold coins and decided to hide them. Arthur had to get those back the gross way.

13. Mattie's weed

He thought that's how edibles worked. Matthew couldn't even be mad because it was entertaining.

14. a pool noodle

No one knows why he did it. ESPECIALLY not him.

15. the Articles of Confederation

The document we know is, uh, the second one.

[002yb]

I’m so in love with your nightwing dick and robin jason scenario ❤️❤️

I have this one in mind what if dick was the one who managed to save jason from joker, and he was so angry at bruce, feeling the surge of possessiveness that drives him to be selfish and keep jason to himself, because if bruce can’t keep the boy safe, who else is going to do it?

Featuring jaybin with occuring nightmare almost every night, dick being overly protective, and some cute tender moments in between ٩(｡•́‿•̀｡)۶

Stories where Dick lets himself be something monstrous to save someone dear to him are so lovely, omg (send recs please). Just Dick making that conscious decision, fully aware of how cruel he can be in his passions and doing it anyway. Not influenced, not manipulated - just wrathful in his anguish. (´ ꒳ ` ✿)

Though really, anguish can't even begin to describe how horrifying it is to come across Jason in that warehouse. Broken, alone. To mutilate a child is a cruel and inhuman horror, but it's the way Jason breathes - shallow and wet, lungs rattling in his chest - that might be most haunting. That pain as Jason struggles to live, as he watches in resignation as a timer tick, tick, ticks down, resigned to a reality that no one chose him - from his first breath to his last -- those breaths are Dick's undoing, his becoming.

The heartache he would feel would be a forcibly compartmentalized thing. There's no time to focus on how slight this boy is, how thin or small - because there's a countdown and Dick won't let this cold place be Jason's tomb.

They make it outside, but not far enough to escape the force of the explosion they leave behind. It would burn, but Dick would wrap himself tight around Jason as they're tossed meters away, Jason held fierce to Dick's chest as they roll through the sand.

Dick's back would be burned, charred. Shrapnel would pierce him and it hurts, but he can bear it. Pain would cloud his gaze, but Dick would hear those pitiful breaths as Jason gasps; he moves forward. Blood dripping, leaving a trail in the sand that's blown away before long.

Getting to a hospital is a struggle, but they make it. They take Jason away from him and Dick rages until he's sedated for treatment, himself.

They're both stable by the time Bruce makes his appearance. When he tries to walk into Jason's room, Dick forces him back out. Shoving - shoving until Bruce is outside and Dick is the guard to the threshold of Jason's room.

The fight that follows is an ugly thing. Neither of them can understand each other, but that's nothing new. Bruce demands that Dick move so that he can see is son; Dick bites back that he lost the right when he chose Joker over Jason. And it doesn't fucking matter to Dick that the lives of hundreds of thousands was at stake because none of them were Jason.

Maybe it's unfair of Dick to be so angry, but disappointment stings and Bruce has disappointed him too many times. A good hero, but something so unintentionally cruel as a man that it staggers him. Dick feels betrayed. By Bruce. For Jason. It fucking hurts.

'He's my son.' Would be Bruce's final argument.

Only: 'He's not your son. And you're no one's father.'

Because a father, a dad - they wouldn't do this.

The hospital staff has to intervene when Bruce lashes out and Dick fights back. The both of them pull away once civilians involve themselves in their affairs.

When Dick goes to return to Jason though, Bruce refuses him. Calling out to the staff, 'He's not family.'

Once the initial surprise of the disowning (though legally, Dick knows there was nothing ever there) happens, Dick would just hurt. Betrayed for an entirely new reason. What follows would be rage.

Maybe somehow Alfred is there. And Alfred is so torn because Dick is family, but Jason is just on the other side of a too-thin door. Dick wouldn't hold the man back; he would ask him to stay with Jason - Dick will stay as near as he's able.

Then Kory and Roy would come around to meet Dick. And Dick could have an Outlaws era. :)

Or just as good - Dick reaching out to Deathstroke. And having something of a Renegade era that starts and ends with killing Joker (although...does it have to end?)

Joker dies by Dick's hand, either way.

Which only adds to the strife with Bruce, but it also endears Jason to him like none other. And then Jason choosing Dick because Dick chose Jason and it's a twisted love affair, platonic or romantic what have you. //3///

Which would lead into all of the above that you've written, anon! Which is all such a good vibe I've been thinking about this for days hahaha. But Dick being something more wicked and cruel, then coming back to Jason and being soft and reverent? Ahhhhhhhhhhhh I'm weak to this sort of situation. ;3;

Also, it's become my MO to go off on a tangent and that somehow only vaguely relates to a scenario that's all sorts of inspiring LOL I'm so sorry. For soft tender moments though:

Dick being there as Jason goes to and progresses with physical therapy. No lazarus pits here, so Jason heals as his body allows. And Dick is all sorts of positive energy and encouragement and challenge to motivate Jason to push - one more step, one more - Dick having all the pride for how Jason fights. Dick being the support Jason needs on hard days. Omfg Jason running to Dick and jumping, wrapping himself around Dick and Dick being !! at all of it but then so thrilled as he spins Jason around because a;woiejfaoiwejfaiowjef;oawijegoaihrg

During that period of time when Bruce tries and fails to keep them away from each other!! Dick sneaking into the manor - into Jason's room. Holding Jason as he rests, exhausted because of the nightmares that plague him. Bruce looking in on them, a dark shadow. Only the shadow that Dick casts is that much darker, that much more consuming. The way Dick's gaze would shift from warm to an icy tundra from looking from Jason to Bruce - it would be jarring. A warning.

Jason seeing the burn scars for the first time. Jason sneaking up from behind Dick, brushing his fingertips featherlight over gnarled flesh and being overwhelmed. Jason resting his forehead to Dick's back. Wrapping his arms around him. Dick startling, then being so soft as he rests his arms over Jason's - still so small and strong and haunting.

edit: realization that I never originally wrote in all my ahhhhhhhh feelings over you enjoying the nightwing and jaybin content omggggggg!! this makes me so happy, anon. thank you so much. //U///

[scaryscarecrows]

Up on the Van Top

AN: I HAVE BEEN SITTING ON THIS. FOR MONTHS. MONTHS. I hope you appreciate the self-control that required.

* * *

Bruce isn’t sure what he’s expecting when Gordon calls him with a curt, “You need to come to the Iceberg Lounge.”

It isn’t this, he’s sure. Nobody could expect this.

The Lounge is fine. It’s been decorated for the season, glistening baubles all but cackling about being bought with money obtained through illegal activities. It’s suspiciously empty, though that could be explained by the presence of GCPD.

Or not.

Oswald Cobblepot is tied from ankles to head in what appears to be ribbon. A big, sparkly red bow sits atop his hat. A…ball of reindeer socks…has been crammed in his mouth. He looks furious. It doesn’t help that there’s an envelope with ‘Batman’ scrawled on it taped to his chest.

There are two possible reasons for this, and Bruce is doubting it’s some new, holiday-themed vigilante introducing themselves, which leaves…

He reaches forward and plucks the socks free. Cobblepot makes a face reminiscent of an enraged terrier Bruce once saw on the internet.* He breathes deeply for a few seconds, nose wrinkling, and finally snarls, “Control your brats!”

No, it is not a new holiday-themed vigilante. Part of him dies a little inside.

Where did I go so wrong?

Bullock swallows a snicker. Gordon has a little more tact.

“Come on, Oswald. Let’s go.”

“Go? Go where? I have done nothing to warrant being attacked by that--that festive fiend--”

Gordon holds up a flash drive wrapped in polka-dotted washi tape.

“I got a present, too. Let’s go.”

Bruce tugs the envelope free before stepping aside. Gordon cuts the ribbon and guides Cobblepot towards the door. Bruce will follow in a few minutes-he has to know, now, what happened here-but first, card. Alfred’s stringent rule of ‘card, then present’ is deeply ingrained. He’ll know if Bruce ignores it--what’s that?

It’s a small box, wrapped nicely, with ‘Agent A’ scrawled on it. Ah. He’ll deliver that, then.

The card is blue, with a little silhouette of Santa’s sleigh going across it. The inside, on the other hand, is filled with that spiky writing he remembers so well.

I gotcha an angry bird, B! :D  <3, J.T.

Bruce has never been good at leaving things alone. Even things that he’s probably going to regret. So, of course, he follows Gordon to the police station, arranges for a private interview with Cobblepot, and swallows the Parent Voice that he used to use for parent-teacher conferences when he says, “What happened.”

* * *

Earlier that evening…

Honestly, this is probably the biggest spur-of-the-moment thing Jason has ever done. Or at least one of them. But…well…he was hungry. That’s how this started.

He’d been standing in the Circle K, looking for food. All they’d friggin’ had was Hot Cheetos, and honestly, after the Hot Cheeto Disaster of ’08, he’d seriously consider starving rather than touch one ever again.

(Oh, God. After everything, that incident still held the power to make him shudder.)

And then it was there, on an endcap, surrounded by candy canes and snowman-topped PEZ machines, that he saw it. Somewhere, Alfred wept. Dick felt a warm sense of…maybe pride. Bruce was probably suddenly stricken with the need to sulk on a gargoyle.

…well, a bigger need than usual. A primal urge, if you would.

And that’s why Jason now has a Santa hat and beard on over his helmet. It took a bit of superglue to get them to stick, but he did it, in the end. So here he is, crouched on a crane by the docks, empty bag in hand.

Penguin is late. The guys he’s meeting are here, but the man himself, petty bastard that he is, is nowhere to be seen--wait.

He hears a van. It’s a clunky, crappy sound. He knows that sound.

Ho, ho, ho, motherfuckers.

He straightens up, stalks to the edge of the shipping crate he’s settled on, and waits for the van to sputter to an almost-stop before stepping off the edge--

--and landing on the hood with a nasty-sounding CRUNCH! The driver blinks at him in confusion before things come together for him and he hollers, “WE GOT A PROBLEM, BOYS!”

Jason waggles his fingers at him, hops to the ground, and saunters towards the back, smacking his palm against the side of the van on the way. There’s shouting inside. He doesn’t hear Penguin, but to be fair, he didn’t expect him to show up in this piece of crap. Oz has self-respect.

Or. More self-respect than the suckers he hires.

He stops a foot or so away from the doors and waits. Now that the pounding’s stopped, it’s quiet in the van. Well. Almost quiet-there appears to be a hushed argument over who has to open the door.

Well? Come on! Are you men or mice?

Silence from the van, broken only by a whispered, “Rock, paper, scissors, shoot--I hate you. I hate you all.”

“Get out, bitch.”

“Screw you,” the first man snarls, and then he straight-up kicks the door open like this is some 90s white-man-learns-karate movie. “Come on, Red Hood!”

“Someone’s on the naughty list.”

Apparently figuring go big or go home, Naughty List shoots at him. He misses, because no Gotham Goon can shoot straight, but he tries. Which means, of course, that anything Jason does to him now is in self-defense and absolutely legal in every way.

Honest.

Even though the bullet would have missed him by a mile, Jason decides to boost Naughty List’s morale by hurling himself to the side...and hopping on top of the van. It’s like popping a pimple; there’s yelling, and then a stream of men spill out. Now that they’re all out, he grapples away to get a better look.

And also to scare them shitless, because what’s the fun in being nice?

“Is he gone?”

“Maybe he’s gone.”

“Holy shit, you scared him off.” Pfft, nah. “Dude, I’m sorry I called you a bitch.”

“Eh, no offense taken.”

Well, isn’t that nice. He resists the urge to give ‘em his Tiny Tim impression (probably not so good, now) and swings to the roof of the little office overlooking the dock.

“Check the area to make sure,” somebody says. “F’we bring his head to Penguin, we might get bonuses.”

Yeah, they might. Penguin’s got it in for him, a little, even if he did...sort of...apologize for asking about the bottle in his eye.

Sorry, Oz.

Well, if they’re gonna be all gung-ho about it…

He throws a smoke pellet into their midst and when they start screaming (and one of them is crying, Christ), leaps down after it.

“Doncha know the song, boys? Sing it with me, now...you better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout, I’m tellin’ you why…” SCHWING! A head rolls and he has to dive to grab it and shove it in his bag. “Santa Hood is comin’...to toooown!”

By the time the smoke clears, there are three headless corpses, two crying mooks, and one horribly bloody machete. Jason tosses the machete to the ground and looks at the survivors. They’re unarmed. One of them is literally unarmed, meaning that his arm is lying on the ground, and the other one is bleeding from the side. Huh. He doesn’t remember doing that.

“I’m feelin’ the holiday spirit tonight, boys,” he says. “So tell ya what. You tell me where your boss is, and you can run right along to the emergency room.”

To the shock of none, the, uh, unarmed one rolls over immediately.

“He had a meetin’! With Dent, they’re at the Dos Amigos club downtown!”

“‘preciate that,” Jason says sincerely, hefts the bag over his shoulder. “You might wanna get that checked out. Looks like it hurts.”

Now. He has a present to give to Penguin.

THE END

*Tim sent Bruce a video of Mr. Bubz. Ask and ye shall receive the same.

[danny-chase]

Regarding Robin & Batman #1 I kinda bit admit there were two elements of it that kinda bit threw me off about it

1) The use of the ‘Soldier’ term in which Brice describes Dick, in which in general regarding Bat-lore has always made me cringe a bit given of its connotation that suggests Dick and the other Robins have far less agency in their lives and their decisions regarding crime-fighting, making Bruce look like as if he sees Robin not as a mostly equal partner but an expendable assent to his war on crime, tying into…

2) Bruce‘s seemingly cold blooded and authoritarian parenting in which seems like Dick is just one bad notch on the crime fighting field away from Bruce outright sending him back to the orphanage and disowning him. Now his attempt to make up for it with the upgraded suit might seem nice until you realize he looked through Dick’s journal without permission, leaving the latter in an even worse emotional spot than he was beforehand.

Now I could be talking out of my butt here but I wouldn’t be surprised if next issue has Dick straight up sneak out of Wayne Manor, no Robin suit at all to prove himself and just get away from Batman yet it’ll frame him as being in the wrong for doing so. Again, this is just me talking out of my butt here, but I just needed to vent those feelings regarding this book.

If you like it all the way though, I have no problems with that, you’re free to like what you like ;-)

But hey, still better than the Seeley book at the moment

With all due respect i do disagree (I like this comic all the way) and putting it under cut for spoilers.

1) Bruce never addresses Dick as a soldier in this comic. That distinction is made by Alfred who is calling out Bruce's harsh behavior. Bruce says "This only works if he has the armor he needs to survive out there. I won't put a child in danger. He needs to become something more." and later "Leniency would have gotten him killed by the truck driver. Leniency would mean me bringing home a dead child." While this isn't the best version of Bruce being presented I think his motivations make sense and are in character with the Bruce we've seen in modern comics up to date. Dick's not really supposed to be an equal partner here, he's a ten to eight year old still in training.

2) I don't think Bruce is being written as irredeemable in this comic. Maybe its because i've read so many bad dad Bruce comics that my standards are in hell (and i can understand being wary because comics are comics), but the opening scene to me reads as Bruce nagging Dick because he's worried (ie: "Knife! Behind you!" and "Careful!" sandwich the "you're not paying attention" remark). It reads to me that Bruce is antsy about Dick being on his own, hence why he barges in. He's angry when he shows up and is curt because he watched Dick almost get knifed by the driver. (This is my interpretation of the comic, a good story can still have multiple interpretations though.) From there when they drive home, Bruce is still angry and he probably is trying to cool down when Dick tries to talk with him. In this case, it almost seems like Bruce is using the incident as an excuse to cancel everything because he's nervous. "You almost got yourself killed! I knew you weren't ready." The first line states what happens, the second line is Bruce using the incident to get what he really wants - Dick to stay home "You need more training. More discipline. I'm sorry, but it's too soon. We need to take a step back." (dang when was the last time i heard Bruce apologize). His response to Dick later seems childish - "Your behavior is only proving me right! Having a tantrum like a damned child!" - he definitely should not swear at Dick, but when I read this I still just see someone snapping because someone they care about almost died and are trying to use that to justify keeping said person in so it can't happen again. Next we have the conversation discussed in 1). Dick reads this all as mistrust, but we know that that's not true because Bruce made the suit for him. The suit pretty much symbolizes to me that Bruce cares, Bruce trusts Dick, and he trusts him in his own way. Moving on. The next time we see Bruce he has his own internal monologue saying "I was so worried about how the boy was doing that I missed something." Which reinforces my interpretation of things. It seems to me that Bruce projects on Dick a lot in this story - in terms of the whole "he has to become more" thing, I think this is Bruce thinking about his own journey - and he knows his journey was dangerous so he's trying his best to give Dick exactly what he needed back when he was a child. Bruce needed to become more, so Bruce thinks Dick needs to become more as well. Bruce is pushing Dick, because Bruce wishes someone would have pushed him. Bruce distracts Dick with training, because that's what he needed. And like. To me that doesn't make Bruce a bad person. He's not a great parent, mind you, but he's not doing it because he's a cruel person (like ASBR). He's also young when he meets Dick, he was not really ready for having a child, and I have hopes for this version of Bruce to grow and understand Dick better. And he's trying to understand Dick better - he read Dick's journal so he can understand Dick better (he missed the whole personal space thing - but that's a boundary that a LOT of parents struggle with - my parents are good parents and they struggle with this too with me and my siblings, so that whole scene hit me right in the feels because it's just classic parent/child struggles). Bruce and Dick are both rough around the edges in this but to me it still feels like Bruce is trying - he takes Alfred's advice after all "Perhaps the answer is letting him be who he is." I did not get the sense that Bruce has any desire to send Dick back to the orphanage in this. The two times we saw him react harshly were in direct response to Dick almost getting killed, and it feels to me like this is a struggling single parent rather than an abusive/neglectful asshole. Like to me he just seems genuinely surprised/shocked by Dick's reaction to the Robin suit "But I thought this was what you wanted? It -- it was a gift." because he thought Dick understood that there were no secrets between them. I would dislike Bruce keeping a secret from Dick in this comic because that would kind of

taint this moment a bit so hopefully they don't ruin it.

Specifically I have hope that he'll understand Dick better because of next issues solicitations.

"Dick Grayson is struggling in his training to be Robin, and the Batman decides the young man needs a break…and takes him to meet the Justice League! In an awe-inspiring moment, he meets the World’s Greatest Heroes…and their sidekicks! Will these teen titans get along?"

Which indicate Bruce sees that Dick is struggling and understands that he likes other people so he tries to do something good for Dick by taking him to the Justice League. Like my mom tried making me friends when I went to college 😭 because she thought I wouldn't be good at doing it by myself and that's what this reminded me of. Parents trying to help their kids make friends. I don't think they'll have Dick sneak out again - he did that this issue. And I don't think in this issue they framed him in the wrong for doing so. They framed it as a miscommunication, and Dick knew it was a dumb thing to do, and Bruce knew it was a dumb thing to do, but he still shows Dick the gift because he trusts Dick, and in this case wants to set the record straight and show Dick he always trusted him. I guess I just see the mistakes Bruce makes in this as reasonable mistakes, and this is the beginning of the story so I have hopes for Bruce to grow.

I also didn't think Dick lacked agency in the story - I think the best possible interpretation of Dick's childhood was presented here - that Dick knows how to sneak out and get himself in trouble and that Bruce knows that Dick knows how to sneak out - which is why Bruce thinks that he needs to train Dick as good as he possibly can because if Dick sneaks out he might literally die. Which irl isn't justification for having a child as your vigilante child 'soldier' partner but for modern age comic books I think is the only justification they can provide that makes sense (with some suspension of disbelief of course).

Anyways that was long, but I really loved this comic book and my guess is we just interpreted it different ways. I'm not really put off by bad dad Bruce, because I didn't start off as a Bruce fan, I started with Nightwing comics and kinda just thought he was an asshole so I'm glad to get any crumb of good dad Bruce content that exists and isn't from the 40s - 80s (anything before NTT-era i legit just can't read because the dialogue kills me, i'm struggling so hard to get through the original Teen Titans 😂). I'm also inclined to see the best in people so I could be speaking out of my butthole and projecting myself on Bruce (the classic I struggle to communicate emotional-related things and so does this character therefore we must have the same intentions? no?). Also here's the solicits for the third issue

"To reconcile his trauma and move toward an optimistic future, Dick Grayson must first confront his tragic past. Unfortunately, that step includes a confrontation with an enraged Killer Croc, who is out for Grayson blood! This action-packed issue concludes the epic tale of a young man learning to live and love in a nightmarish world"

On a completely different note I'm pretty intrigued to see what this comic is going to do with Waylon. Like adding him to Haley's Circus is something I would have never thought of and personally I think is pretty interesting. I know we did the Raptor plotline but it would be neat to see more characters from Haley's showing up in comic books. I can't tell if Waylon is angry on behalf of the Grayson's (ie: because a stranger is wearing their costume) or if he knows that Dick is a Flying Grayson and he's mad for another reason but the former would be so sad and I live for those kinds of feels.