#he didnt change much minus the trauma

[hrtpizza]

Little Peppino :)

[moldwood]

i have 15 minutes before my work day starts, so why not have some reflections on 2023 for the lunar new year since my zodiac the dragon returns to me ☀️

PASSION

at the very end of the year, i did something i had always wanted to do and stepped down from work into a substitute position so i could focus on my art. it has been... slow, but i think it was the right move. whenever im not making something, i really cannot stand life. of course, i wont be able to stand it if i cant eat either, so well see how things turn out by the end of this year. i do think i need to get some art priorities in order, because im jumping around between a lot of projects which means theyre all getting done very slowly. i need to start focusing on one thing at a time, i think, but i really am enjoying the new stronger presence art has in my life.

MOOD

i really feel better than ever in regards to myself! most likely due to the aforementioned outpouring of passion into things ive wanted to do for YEARS. for the past few years, ive been a bit more aware of everything going on in my head than when i was a teen since i was still processing a lot of trauma, so ive been letting myself have a bit more slack on the rope in terms of "acting out of character" if that makes any sense. having a solid personality isnt something i really worry about since i know your sense of self is always shifting in every circumstance, but there were just some ways i never acted before that i let myself try on, find out its not for me, and then i end up feeling even more solid in who i am since i know what im not. i always knew i wasnt a giggly, happy-go-lucky person, but now i know that i can feel that way when i really really like someone. laios im talking about laios i have to be honest.

FRIENDSHIP

i think its my own personal failing that i overlook red flags from friends and try to make excuses for their behavior up until its too late and i have trouble not realizing that giving them an open space to be themself away from the world and support isnt enough to change that some are the type of people who are just looking for an excuse to think poorly of you anyway. i dont think im an overly kind person who will coddle someone being bad to me or a friend, but i definitely dont put my foot down enough. it happens in minor ways, but it happened in a major way again recently. if i had a dime for every time it turned into something severe, i would have two dimes. eight years apart and i let someone do the same thing, just minus suicide baiting me this time

tldr a friend of a friend sent that friend some stuff and it turns out that a friend who is no longer a friend turned into an islamophobe or at least started following islamophobic accounts and is very... delusional about the whole friendship + the kind of people we are + how we thought of him + really just wanted to think the worst of us and felt now he had a reason. we didnt read much more and felt no need to. its for the best that it's over, though, i think. he really was like that the whole friendship and didnt put any value on the things i/we did for him because it was never enough, which i knew the whole time but ignored because i thought if i did enough it would be enough, which leads me to:

i have been focusing more on loving my friends lately in the wake of that. i always have, though im not very vocal/chatty, so ive always shown it in my own way through giving drawings and gifts whenever im able. im never worried that i dont have a place in their lives, and im trying to worry less about the disconnect between how im thought of vs how i am. i think more what i am focusing on now is that i was always a very busy person, so while my friends were always very important to me, i want to do even more to show that since i want them to be sure of it. i dont have much time for any more projects, but i want to make sure they know i would do all i can for them outside of just drawing. i think this will help a bit with feeling more comfortable saying when i think something theyre doing isnt chill to me since the feeling would Hopefully go from me being bossy to me being just looking out for them being their best selves/not letting myself be misunderstood which just happens bc i dont talk very clearly not out of any lack of caring (there is a jumbled mess between my head and my mouth)

i also want to try to make new friends, or at least new acquaintances. theres a few people (mutuals 🥴) ive really wanted to talk to more, but i never know what to say. which makes sense, since i dont even talk with my friends all that much, usually only just whatever comes up in the current conversation in vc. autism damned. that boy cannot hold a conversation for his life. but maybe drawings are the way to go. my hands are all ive got IN SUMMARY

there are more thoughts and i dont have time to reread + word everything all nice because i have to work now. it is all a rambling train of thought mess. BUT tldr: life is really good right now and i feel more solid in the friendships im keeping and i am excited for my future art endeavors now that the last thing i was waiting for (the mixing palette!!!) came in. of course friendship is the longest section its the most important thing to me. anyway dreams for the year quickly ummmmm

✦ i want to learn how to use gouache. i have it! but i have to wait till i get a few projects out to get started. i think this will be very fun and very good for me because its been so long since ive played with a new medium ✦ i want to get better at small talk. how is the weather? do you like this type of weather? what type of weather do you like? what do you like to do when it is that type of weather? ✦ i want to visit prague to see if moving there would be good + feasible. my mom and half sister want to take a trip there, so i really hope that pans out and we can all go! ✦i want to work through my moral ocd about opening up a patreon/kofi and selling merch. people wouldnt subscribe if they didnt already have the money to. it doesnt matter if i make and sell 40 acrylic charms that are plastic and bad for the environment, taylor swift takes a private jet for a 20 minute car ride. ✦ i want to reach a higher fluency with arabic. its hard to find time to practice with my huge workload, so i think once i get better at time management with the projects, i can devote my mornings to a lesson a day and make better progress. ✦ lastly ig i want to try more new foods. i have been for the past several years, but i still am not the best at having good food consistently. im too busy right now to cook every day, so again i guess when i get better at time management between projects and life, i can devote some time in the week to meal prep + cooking good food. thank you laios dungeon meshi for reinforcing this. i already knew it but now theres a hot boy telling me it

2024 the year of more wahoooooo more taking more giving more drawing more cooking more dreaming more sun in the summer

[woozi]

YZA YZA MY BESTIE 🤍

HOW WAS CHEERS FOR YOU? im so so happy with the leaderline cb, i still can't believe we got it. all 3 of them slayed it with capital s <3 (also vv happy about it dropping on my birthday 🥺) vv excited for the repackage also.

how was concert for you?!! did you get to watch? i hope you did ( look at me asking as if we both actually attended 💀 ) felt so good to watch them perform after ages best two days of last month tbh. i cannot let shadow choreo get out of my mind godddd and cheol was so right about gyu's part being addicting (AND LIVE SHADOW GYU 💀🔥 GOD HELP US) they all looked so good eap in those prince outfits, and so so soft in their snapshoot encore outfits 🥺🤍 what were your favorite performances?

also what were/are your rankings of face the sun i wanna know tell me tell me:3, and OFC " 'bout you " ranks high in my list and is even more dear to me, always puts me in good mood no matter what 🥺 it's cheery, so upbeat, it's like a jar filled with colorful sweet clouds. darling has also become one of my favorite soft songs it's v cute i've lost the count of how many times i have listened to don quixote and shadow jsjdjdkdj total opposite of bout you and i love that so much. the angst and edgy vibe these two have i love love that.

that being said manifesting don quixote and cheers live performance we badly need it ( if you leave me too bc i love crying <3 djjsdjdk )

OMG ALSO im so happy my beloved 2 minus 1 made it on the setlist. vernon and shua should collab often tbh they always bring out bops.

wanted to recommend you some music last time i dropped ask but forgot dhdjkd woodz (album : colorful trauma ) and woosung (album: moth ) also released music in may along w got7 and svt. i wanted to tell you they also made may music wise good for me i feel like you'll like a song or two from these

also how have you been? <3 what has been your mind? <3 what music have you been listening to? <3 missed you very much 🥺 sending you best vibes as always and happy birthday month to you :3 hope july is very very kind and lovely to you. sending/receiving replies to you really be charging me with serotonin for days fr <3 thank you for listening to me 🥺🤍

also have i told you how i love it whenever i open your ask box and see " ask woozi a question " hsjdjdkdkd

MA CHERIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE <3

i think it's good!!! not yet obsessed w her but she might be a grower <3 i love the choreo sm though 👁 AND IM SO SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT!!

AND I DID WATCH THE CON ON BOTH DAYS <333333333 was so pumped tbh, they really were about Performances this time and i LOOVE THAT sm <3 ok but you're SOOOOOOOOO valid JFDHSJFDSH could he please put the double ds away 😭😭 also isn't shadow the choreo they rushed 👁 (idk if im rmb things correctly) it's even MORE amazing how they pulled that off tbh and for that to become ur fave <3 incredible!! i really loved the rearrangements for BeTS sm i thoroughly enjoyed all the performances but i'd say wave tbh <33 its FRESH!! also omg r u going to see them irl as well?

ALSO SAUR TRUEEEEEEE <3 darling has grown on me a LOT tbh <3 also love how u appreciated songs from opposite ends of the spectrum 😋 my ranking changes a lot but rn its hot > ash > don quixote = march = darling = shadow = domino = bout you > if you leave me

also they did perform don quixote (or is my memory lying to me fjsdhfsd im pretty sure they did though bc i rmb it from soundcheck) <3 AND NOT WANTING TO CRY PLEASE FDJHDSFDS

AND I KNOW?????????????????????????? god rocket line really is a blessing to humanity i'm so glad they were included in the set list

ALSO OH MY GOD ILY EVEN MORE I DIDNT KNOW U LISTENED TO WOODZ AND WOOSUNG TOO????????????????????? IM KICKING RN???????????????? ur taste oh MY GOD. i'm so so glad i met u tbh <3 and ure right may really brought us some BANGERS

i've been on summer break for a month now so it's been v fun for me, i finally got lots of sleep + got to do things i kept putting off bc of uni <3 so that's great!! honestly i'm just a svtpoppie 😭😭😭 but lately i've been more obsessed w sunmi than usual i really love her latest release <3 u should listen to it if u have the time!!

thank u for always being so kind ily vm </3 happy birthday month to US!! thank u for always hanging out w me <3 MWAH

PLS DSJKFSDHF THAT IS SO CUTE OF U 😭😭😭 wish i could also ask jihoon a question fr lmao ANYWAY!! hope u get to eat good food and spend the day as u want <3 hope today brings u much joy i love UUUUUUUU!!

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review , ch 102- 106

I thought abt skipping those chapters cuz the difference from the anime are’nt big & there’s hardly any tohru in them which I know where the great difference between anime & manga is. However, I like yuki & I was delighted to see the difference between manga yuki & anime yuki! Really, furuba anime makes so much focus on him & all, yet manages to miss the mark when it comes to his character. Yuki is such a prince “from a fairy tale but with trauma” in the anime which contradicts his vision of himself in canon as he said it IS fake, but in the manga he’s a real character with layers. 

A-Chapters 102 & 103/ se03, ep 3 ( A dynamic Yuki vs a prince):

Not much change in the plot from the anime, se03, ep 3, except few things I’ll highlight here:

MACHI: ch.102 is basically machi’s story that we saw in se03 ep 3 first half before the motoko part. but it’s fascinating how the anime handled it greatly & how the manga had its unique touch. The anime gave machi’s part its own color, mood & focus, while the manga excelled in the facial expressions.

YUKI: In ch. 102 & 103, Yuki in particular had many facial expressions in such a refreshing way different from the anime. In the anime, yuki emoted exclusively with kyo & kakeru in ways that you don’t need to hear his monologue to understand his thoughts, he was also allowed expressiveness with machi in the anime but with maintaining big doses of his princely aesthetics & mannerism cuz we see him from achi’s perspective. Ironic cuz she calls him imperfect but the anime gives him lots of shojo bubbles from her pov. In the manga, yuki is way more expressive with lots of characters!!! Even with the fanclub girls, he had funny expressions, & we see a cute scene of machi trying to cheer him up!

in the manga, yuki & machi both are given expressive features. Machi isn’t silent with her head down 95% of the time & yuki is is not living in his own head & is very dynamic with other characters as well, which makes him feel real.

Also, in the manga, yuki isn’t super skinny like the anime! I love how he fills his school uniform without it looking so baggy. In the manga, yuki looks like a grown teenager boy reaching his 17!!! In the anime, yuki looks the same all seasons.

In the anime, the clear body growth was exclusive to kyo in se02, during beach arc mainly cuz the plot required it as tohru kept commenting on kyo growing up physically & told Kazuma. So, the anime made huge effort to make kyo look grown physically. Also, in the anime, yuki is given a princely aura from se01 to 3 as his physical appearance & aesthetics remained the same minus his interaction with kakeru where you see glimpses of a more firm & free character. A peek into his soul perhaps?

B-Ch 104 -106, Anime, se3, ep 4. (Isuzu’s Arc closed, Akito’s begins!): 

I love the way the page transitioned from Isuzu’s hair at kureno’s feet to Haru’s entering akito’s room!

I love akito in this chapter/ep, not love her as in support her, no. lol. but love how this chapter/ep sheds light into her twisted mind. Great writing! The way Akito was shocked at kureno’s betrayal of saving Isuzu is why Akito’s growth from abuser to feeling guilt & repent is not satisfactory in the anime ( I’m yet to reach this part in the manga, so I’ll wait to see if it was handled differently). Akito was way more self-centered & concerned with her delusions to stop a bit & entertain the thought that isuzu was on the verge of death. This is a huge red flag. This is sth you can’t brush under tohru’s healing words of feeling similar to akito & akito finding “ true friendship” as a healthy replacement to her delusional “ together forever”.

-The core characters that the entire show/ story/ manga is built upon their views are tohru & akito. You can’t spend 2 seasons & a half faintly touching these characters’ pov & trauma, then give quick hasty focus, then hit them with “ healing growth”. Both tohru & akito needed more screen time/ spotlight to dwell into them cuz they’re fascinating characters!

This chapter the focus is on haru & isuzu, however, these two characters arc would pretty much be wrapped after this chapter/ep minus few cleaning here & there. Akito’s descending into darkness truly begins here. This is what should be followed & given much care!

I love how this line connects what seems like a sub-plot story to the main story of the original zodiacs!!! In the original story, the cat refused to be by the Ruler’s side & it was percieved as the cat betraying him & the others. All the rest of the animals must ALWAYS be on the Ruler/Akito side & not copy the Monster/Cat behavior. Excellent foreshadowing & a twist to kyo’s/ akito’s / kureno’s story! The cat was right all along, but it’s not abt right or wrong. It’s abt choosing sides. With us or against us. If you are not with us, you are the barbaric enemy/ monster. ( kinda similar to our real world issues & politics)

Side Notes:

I have nothing to say abt motoko except in a 13 ep core & major final season with thematic & plot focus, she really got her share. Out of all the content to cut. what logic? I can never understand..... Not hating, but truly bewildered & confused. Fan service? Gotta be. Wasting valuable screen time for a character with no effect on plot or characters or anything.. I mean if it was a 26 ep season, then okay... but the nope! lets chop chop core plot & give motoko an epic send off!

Maybe Motoko got pity love from the anime team? She wasnt given yuki’s love, so the decision maker whoever they are, gave her better emotional focus than the actual love interest (machi) has got! XD (again not hating, but amused! XD)

I love how furuba’s writing don’t need over-exaggerated drama at all. All the pain is in the writing. in the characters themselves. The anime only needed to focus on them & get rid of the theatrical display of emotions & forced fast paced & unrealistic timeline. sigh~

Still, I love how ep 4 was directed in the anime starting the 2nd part, it was given its own mood & colors.

I love that Haru didnt just find Isuzu in the streets right wawy but waited few days to meet her. It hammers the importance of pacing time in the manga, but I also understands why the anime needed to go directly to it seeing that as I said haru & isuzu are reaching the end of their arc here & they want to close the door behind their issues once & for all. lol.

Everthing else abt Machi story, haru & isuzu, akito & kureni, I have already said before in my weekly anime reviews when se03 was airing.

I peeked into ch. 107 first two pages!!!!! Tohru’s focus???? Is this the beginning of the weakly directed ep 6? YESS!!! I cant wait to read it next weekend! <3

[kuroosdumbslut]

Hi, its me! Im sorry for bothering you! How would Bakugou, Aizawa, Hawks, and Iida react if some random kid, who had their eyes but different hair, who looks homeless and IS homeless, knockef on their door and said 'hey, do you know *insert womans name*? Youre my dad apparently' and it turns iut it was a woman they had a lomg relationship with, who left them, and went on to abusr their kid? Like severely? Its just me projecting lol. Im so sorry have a great day!

*no problem! i hope these are good, and sorry if its a little repetitive! i dont see any of them turning away their own child*

Bakugou: (gonna be a girl)

bakugou was relaxing on the couch when a knock to his door alerted him

he begrudgingly got up and answered the door, fully prepared to turb away whoever it was but it was a little girl no older than 9

he crouched down and talked to her a bit, noting how she had his eyes

when he first heard the kid out, he didnt really believe them,,,until the kid showed him a picture of his ex holding a much younger picture of them

obviously bakugou brings the child in, both wanting to help her and because thats his daughter!

only when he was sure she was fed and clean did he ask her questions

“Mama didn’t like me and hurt me a lot so I had to leave. All she did was give me a picture of you to find you...”

while she didnt go into detail, bakugou knew 1: that he was keeping his daughter and will protect her with his life and 2: he 1000% is gonna take his ex’s ass to court immediately and get legal custody

it was a hard thing to do, especially on his daughter, but in the end he was much happier and much more at peace knowing his daughter is safe with him and much happier

he loves his daughter to bits too; he spoils her and has started to take time off work every so often to spend as much time with her as possible

Aizawa: (son)

aizawa was just about to go for a nap when he heard knocking

he was not expecting a little 6 year old boy to be at his door

he noted how the boy looked homeless and with several bruises and injuries

the boy showed him a picture of Aizawa and his ex, pointing to the both of them and said “Mommy told me to find you cause I can’t live with her”

he was shocked and very quickly noticed how the boy looked almost exactly like him, minus his hair

he picked up the boy, cradling him close and took him to get cleaned up

aizawa did end up having to take him to the hospital to get checked over and got authorities involved pretty quickly

he renovates one of the spare rooms into an awesome bedroom for his son, making sure hes as comfortable as possible and making sure the room is close to his own so if his child gets scared, he can be much closer

obviously, after aizawa gets legal custody, he sets it up so his son can get therapy to work through the trauma his ex put their child through

he loves his son so much, hes a quiet boy but a curious one and loces to learn and read 🥺

Hawks: (daughter)

he actually spotted the child while taking a late night flight

the little girl has his wings...he had to just talk to her to make sure she was ok

the first thing she said when she saw him was “Daddy!”

he was taken aback but couldnt leave her out on the street, he knew what its like to be in rough situations...

like the others, he cleans and feeds the girl before talking with her

after finding out, yes, that is his daughter and his ex was abusive towards this precious little girl, his precious little girl?

lets just say his ex and dabi had a...interaction

he takes in his daughter, of course

he wants to be a better parent than his own parents and his ex, who very clearly traumatized his daughter

spoils her, oh my god he absolutely spoils her; hes trying to make up for all the bad shes had to go through

Iida: (son)

iida was finishing up some paperwork when he heard little knocks coming from the door

when he answered his door, he was shocked and immediately asked a multitude of questions at the little boy that stood there

he thought he was just lost, but the boy showed him a picture if iida and his ex

the little boy didnt have to explain further, iida quickly realizing that this little boy who had his eyes and almost the same quirk (as he could see the little engines growing in on his son’s calves)

iida brought him inside and bathed, bandaged, and asked Izuku to run and get the boy some clothing

iida was so happy he has a son, but the circumstances are less than ideal and break his heart

the poor boy is so traumatized by what his mother did, he cant stop himself from flinching and holding back cries when a habd is raised too quickly or if someone raises their voice

iida takes his ex to court as well and gains custody of his son

with therapy and recieving the love his son needed, iida’s little boy was finally safe and happy

iida was happy too, finally having his own family, albeit an imperfect one but he wouldn’t change that for the world

[red-i-mean-blue]

A:TLA romantic ships part 1

yes, no one asked for my opinions, yes I will give them anyway, yes because I have decided making a bunch of meaningless decisions and arguing for them will improve my mental state, yes I watched the show all in one very sleep deprived go and i’m not interested in rewatching it so yes I have absolutely no sources, yes this is a really long grammatical nightmare because I don’ t know how to be succinct and i use way more words than necessary at any opportunity because if my point doesn’ t come across exactly like i intend it will greatly upset me, no I have not yet watched Korra or read the comics because i’m tired now let’s do this.

includes Kataang, Zutara, Jetkara, Jinko, Maiko, Sukka, Taang, Tokka, Toko Ty Lokka, Tyzula, Yukka bc these were on the Avatar wiki ship list, part two will go into gay ships more

from 0 I despise people who ship this immediately to 10 I will read absolutely anything with this, I love it and could draw it for hours on how much I think the relationship would be good and how happy it makes me

Kataang (looks like a comic book sound effect so plus points)

very clearly built up over the series

cute kid crushes also ngl did not know katara was 14 and not older 12 or 13 so didn’t care about age when watching

now I know she’s 14 and he’s 12 it’s a little weird but still

haters say katara was just the avatar’s trophy girl, as if aang didnt kiss the ground she walked on and wouldnt stop telling anyone how amazing she is. Katara was the first face he saw from the new world and they immediately became friends. she was so excited to meet another bender, he clearly is trying to impress her and it is working, he listens to her about bending and offers to take her to the other side of the world to master water, TELL ME at this moment she is not ride or die and she doesn’t even know he’s the avatar, he lets her feel like a kid again, which is a feeling she’s forgotten after years of being a mother to sokka and the children. he literally sweeps her off her feet to save her from the fire nations ship i-. rewatched boy in the iceberg and hoo boy had canon not messed it up, this ship could have been legendary

hard to imagine older them working out what with the whole last airbender, preserve air nomad culture, let’s travel the world bc nomadic lifestyle, what’s marriage i’m a monk without biological family values vs last southern waterbender, preserve southern water tribe culture, I believe in the power of family and am ridiculously dedicated to my tribe,  let me go home to my father and tribe shtick, but I don’t care for after the show finishes much except for following the gang fix the world so I don’t really care about the marriage issue

canon was good until that Mess in season 3, WHY did he kiss her after that speech, wish they talked that out properly, wish he learned letting go of her to open the 7th chakra was the only right decision, wish the ending was a little more vague in ships and just left things open but yk whatever

that finale kiss was sweet, they hugged foremost as friends, no blushing, and then got the fuzzies, that moment standing alone? a+ but without any talking about what happened on ember island, a little unsatisfying

overall, fine ship, not my favourite nor do I actively ship it, but I see a kataang moment, i’m like, sweet so I give it a 6

Zutara (apparently fans are zutarians which looks like an alien race, plus points)

latter half of the show had quite a lot of Zutara potential, but idk about Zutara actual

katara was so ready to drop his ass, no way at the start

there is only one dynamic between them in which I can see Zutara working and that is as in the Stalking Zuko by emletish series where katara is so distrusting over zuko she takes to stalking him to make sure he isn’t doing anything to hurt Aang or about to betray them (her) again but he is just such a sweet dork who keeps trying to apologise to her even while she’s apologising to him for being a bitch that she can’t help but start to trust him, i’m a third into the third book in the series not stalking firelord zuko and I am thriving and tbh this is the only situation where I accept zutara, read the series I love it

age gap is weird, I know it’s the same difference between kataang but they made a point of zuko being older in the show also he’s so much taller and I don’t like 16 year old boys with 14 year old girlfriends in real life and so would katara because jet

katara has a bad experience with bad boy sword weilders (jet) but I guess you could see it as the start of her type idk

they are both the moms of the Gaang. sokka is the fun dad.

there is a parallel between their families, with the leader of their people dad, mom who left the picture when they were young, an older brother who is not a prodigy at/can’ t bend their respective element so they become proficient at swords instead, prodigy at bending younger sister with a violent streak. this is why I see zutara as potentially a really close friendship, almost siblings, but not a romance because to me katara is a little too like azula for comfort...

tbh I think a lot of folk shipped it because ooh fire boy and water girl (not the game) that’ s perfect, and bam army of zutarians

overall, kind of weird but ok and good grounds for humour so I give it a 4

Jetkara (bad ship name, why would you like this, minus points)

Jet is bad. yes Katara really liked him, yes he was definitely her first kiss and she would definitely consider him her first boyfriend but they would not define it because it’s easier to manipulate someone when it’s unclear what your relationship is and Jet is bad, with his weird fricking eyebrows and not even real swords those hook swords

Not wasting my time, 2

Jinko (cool name, reminds me of Hong Jinkyung, plus points) 

short but so sweet. not the first thing people remember from watching the tales of ba sing se (brb going to rewatch and cry) but really cute, so here’s a running commentary

his first thought was she knew they were fire nation rather than a pretty girl sat in a teashop giving him looks because she had a crush omg

that honest surprise when his uncle suggested she liked her and then she walked up and asked him on a date, adorable

anyone who looked at that god-awful hairstyle and still thought he looked cute has it bad also aww that hair ruffle and the little grab onto his arm

he’s pushing his food around and she’s trying out ice breaker questions and recieving one word responses he has no idea what he’s doing

“she is not my GIRLFRIEND” he’s not over Mai, clearly but he still is trying his best to be a good date even if he’s terrible at making conversation

anyone who sat through that date and the bad lying and the stilted conversation and still thought he was cute has it bad 

he is So Bad At Lying he just told the truth very vaguely and then bam travelling circus

jin so knows the two are fire nation, the whole date she just politely ignores the clear lies and doesn’t react to the obvious firebending, what an icon we love jin

honestly I was really expecting the show to reveal that jin knew he was a firebender if not from the start then from the lights but eh I guess she can keep a secret, good for her

HE KISSED HER BACK BEFORE REALISING A RELATIONSHIP COULD NEVER GO WELL AND HE MAY HAVE ANGSTILY STORMED OFF BUT HE ADMITTED IT WAS A NICE TIME TO HIS UNCLE

that being said I can’t see anything more happening but this date but omg imagine fire lord zuko coming back to visit and they become friends I-

overwhelming support for pre-date jin flirting to an oblivious zuko and the date Jinko, 8

Maiko (name would be a good name for a cat idk why)

childhood sweethearts before the banishment i think

she crushed because he saved her hair from getting burnt by tackling her into a fountain? adorable

I love mai she’s so funny but I think not the best match for zuko? he has a lot of trauma to get over and she doesn’t seem like the let all your feelings out and let’s talk about it until you feel better kind of person.  it was deeply ingrained in her to keep all of her feelings and emotions strongly hidden because she got what she wanted from her politician parents so long as she was quiet, well-mannered, and perfectly behaved according to avatar wiki so I get why she’s that way, until I was 11 I was that way too all the time, I understand freezing your face so you don’t look afraid or upset or angry and risk annoying adults, but I don’t think that that would fit zuko with his social ineptness

they literally broke up twice but are just assumed back together? she just surprised him and said they were back together and I think he forgot she existed

the deadpan firelady and the fire lord would be hilarious together tho she got the ruthlessness he lacks

post coronation I can see it happening, 6 but under Kataang

Sukka (terrible name lmao)

the cutest, sokka very excitedly says “Suki!! :DDD” every time he sees her

she didn’t give him the time of day until HE changed, incredible

just the best canon ship, the two nonbenders in the Gaang but very clearly shown to be important key members.

suki is sneaky and badass, rivalling zuko for position on the team as the sneaky badass one (they tie and bond over being sneaky and badass)

sokka is a great dad, he is the dad of the Gaang and he clearly loves suki and suki loves him back

sokka ships are ELITE, 9

Taang (a delicious orange drink mix that reminds me of home, nostalgia)

foreshadowing from the swamp where someone aang loved in the future really made me think taang was endgame yk

opposite elements ideology that I guess is what zutarians like also leaves everyone in the gang dating a Gaang member if zutara happens

actually the same age but not much else going for it

best friends, 4 but under Zutara

Tokka (great name of a small pet fight me)

sokka ships are elite, childhood crush turned adult strong friendship

I really like seeing the rough, tough, greatest earthbender in  the world have a crush, adorable

sokka is a great friend and his and toph’s canon relationship is so sweet, I wouldn’t change it

toph was fully going to give sokka a kiss on the cheek for saving her life i’m melting

age difference is too weird for a romance he’s like 16 or 17 by the end I think and she’s 12

best friends, 10 as a relationship in the show, 2, but in their 20s after the show... 4 but under Taang

Toko (very forgettable name but both characters have 4 letters so I guess it’s hard to come up with something memorable but every time I read it as Toph because same shape ish so minus points for being annoying)

even weirder age gap than Tokka 

not many moments that could be considered romantic? 

toph first accepted zuko despite him burning her feet, how she sees, which was big and they resolved problems between them quickly

toph clinging to his arm and asking for a life changing field trip caused him to blush, but I see that as him being like oh someone wants to spend time with me?? she’s hugging me??? what is this 

convenient ship for kataangers because the Gaang could be paired off as Kataang, Sukka, Toko

her crush on sokka seemed to go away or calm down when he showed up and she punched him and teased him a lot, her way of bonding

similar strict teaching styles and bonding over secret identities as Blue Spirit and Blind Bandit and parental issues and being the children of important families who made them run away to enjoy not having anything to do with politics and being nobility with impaired vision who have never stepped into a kitchen in their lives and being used to servants and then being on the run

I really see them as siblings with her helping him relax from his duties as fire lord because you already know this boy’s sense of honour is going to make him work tirelessly to fix the world and him helping her relax from the whole i’m not a fragile, weak little blind girl, i’m the greatest earthbender in the world shtick and reminding her she can be both a blind 12 year old girl and the most powerful earthbender in the world, she can accept help without being weak or lesser than anyone, people want to help because they care not that they pity you

best friends 10, relationship in show 1, after show 3

Ty Lokka (I don’t like this name looks like a place but can think of nothing better)

yeah I guess ty lee’s obvious flirting is grounds for a ship but in every interaction he’s involved with someone else and doesn’t seem to like her as a person

do they even interact while on the same side?

friendly aquaintances at best, don’ t understand, 2 but above Jetkara

Tyzula (don’t like this name, like a mineral water?)

canon I don’t care it is canonically a possessive relationship

azula’s only genuine apology goes to ty lee after hurting her feelings

Azula clearly loves ty lee, her betrayal sends her mad

after a lot of therapy for azula and apologies, maybe a healthy relationship could form after the show, 8 above Jinko

Yukka (looks like a childish insult, surely someone could have thought of a better name)

Sokka’s love for Yue stays with him for the rest of his life, she was the first person to die in front of him and he sees the moon as her facing the earth

love this forbidden lovers content, sokka ships stay elite

Sokka and Yue spend as much time together as possible with secret midnight dates flirting (“you wanna do an...activity together?”)  Sokka’s reaction to Yue’s engagement shows that he wants to have a serious relationship with her, and also he thinks Hahn is a bad person for Yue, which he is. 

Yue dying devastated him and he never falls out of love with Yue. her last words “[she] will always be with him” are true. swamp visions show Yue as one of the most important people in his life like a season or so after he last saw her. he wouldn’t kiss suki in front of the moon, and cries when Yue appears on stage, ignoring Suki. he talks about the moon as if it is directly Princess Yue in that cactus juice scene.

she died in his arms oh my god don’t look i crying, he feels personally responsible and guilty

yue was great even though she was the indigenous or black girl with light hair and eyes character and I wish she could have helped aang in the spirit world 

despite her arranged engagement she clearly really likes sokka even though she knows nothing can happen, 9

Kataang, Zutara, Jetkara, Jinko, Maiko, Sukka, Taang, Tokka, Toko, Ty Lokka, Tyzula, Yukka

[gelatomesomeironqrow]

Thoughts on V7 Ch10

"You always were a pain in the ass"

That's basically my summary of the chapter. It was great. It really was. We didn't get a lot of fighting but we established where every character was going to be.

We have the Ace Ops minus Clover on the grounds doing clean up and evacuation with Teams RWBY and RNJ. With the surprise addition of Penny being welcomed back as the protector of Mantle. Ah people being so easily swayed.

Robyn and James' speech was amazing. They definitely laid out a trap and Watts and Tyrian fell for it. James definitely lied about Amity being ready, Robyn may have been holding his hand but she kept having to hide her reactions to certain things he said. The camera also didnt focus on the hands much. Which means her aura/semblance changes colors when someone lies. I suspect he definitely told her the truth about everything, and maybe even the idiotic council. But it was a nicely placed trap.

Robyn went to the grounds after meeting up with Qrow and (SIGHS) Clover.

Which is all well and good and means the opening fight with Tyrian does in fact happen. Personally I think Tyrian takes out Clover and then dies or perhaps they take each other out. But to me, Clover relies too much on his semblance and in a fight against Tyrian I believe that will cost him. Tyrian is an adaptable fighter like Qrow. In their fight they were evenly matched and both auras went out at the same time. Clover is cocky, his semblance allows him to be cocky but in a fight against Tyrian. It will not end well. That one writer saying that RWBY relies on fours too much and the ace Ops having five members was a hint. For either Clover leaving the ace Ops in the form of betrayal or death. I believe it will be the latter.

By my man's hand.

Tyrian's eyes have already flashed purple, he's angry and that will ultimately lead him to failure but not before he takes out someone. And I think that will be Clover. One hundred percent.

Will I be happy to lose Tyrian? Not at all. But I am expecting it. He is facing Robyn, someone who could have been high up in the Atlas military by now, Qrow, a seasoned huntsman, spy and someone who has faced Tyrian before. Clover has no point in being involved in this fight.

Will I be angry that Clover dies? Yes. But not because Clover dies. Because his entire storyline has been that of building up Qrow's happiness and self worth after finding sobriety. This will be the catalyst to Qrow falling back into old ways and I will not be happy for it. Yes I prefer Ironqrow over FG but that is not the reason I think Clover is going to die.

Anyways, moving on before I get people jumping down my throat over my predictions and theories about Clover. Would you rather I believe him to become a traitor? Because that would still have the same outcome for Qrow. Okay now I'm moving on.

These two men. The way James' first thought was to shoot this man in the face. Which parallels Qrow's first reaction to finding Raven in bird form by the way.

They have history. Were they past teammates? Almost definitely so. They know each other. They have similar guns. While Watts' is flashier, both have similar fighting styles.

Am I looking forward to the backstory between the two? Yes.

Am I looking forward to their fight? Hell yes.

James is going to fight like the bad ass he is.

Watts will lose. But considering his use of technology and being alone with James on Amity arena... and with them evacuating Mantle. I think Amity is going to crash.

Which will lead to more trauma and PTSD for James. Him and Qrow will have no choice but to actually comfort and talk to each other and hopefully we get to actually see that.

Cinder and my girl Neo.

Them using the failings of Watts and Tyrian as a distraction to accomplish their own goals is amazing.

Neo is going to go find Oscar and Cinder, in her neverending quest to find more power which will inevitably be her downfall, will try to track down Fria. I'm interested to see how that plays out and I have so many theories about this I won't say them here.

The way everyone took on the grimm was cool.

But all and all, its shaping up to be a good finale and I'm worried for James, Qrow and yes even my boy Tyrian.

[happinessinthedarkest-times]

avengers endgame reaction (spoilers!!!)

**if youre on mobile scroll fast bc idk if the keep reading works

holy shit holy shit fuck fuck fuck

i am an emotional wreak right now

ahhhhh it was so good im crying still

tony fucking stark my heart i guess ill start there 

tony stark i love you three thousand. he got his happy ending with morgan and pepper for 5 years they had 5 years together and he knew that the time heist (lol) would jeopardize that and he still went and helped

that scene where he had it out with steve at the beginning fuck my heart was breaking and i was crying .

i cried a lot in this movie. legit sobbing when nat died but ill get to that

that scene was everything i wanted it to be and perfectly executed. of course hes angry and lashing out because they were supposed to do it together and lose together and the emotion behind that ughh rdj killed it

he literally hands steve his heart the arch reactor

tony and howard ugh everything with them together. tony got closure with his dad 

everything tony was great. 

steve 

he got his happy ending. he got his dance with peggy (now im crying again) fuck. and he PICK UP MJOLNIR omg that scene was amazing and everything i never dreamed could happen when the hammer started moving ughhhh omg i was cheering so loud in the theatre and i dont normally do that. that whole scene ugh theres so much to react to

and he got to say assemble. 

ok now from the beginning. 

i started to cry literally before it even started. the screen was black and i was already tearing up but when clint and his daughter came up and then his family disappeared i was full on crying.

carol coming in clutch and saving tony and nebula yessss

steve and tony’s conversation right when he gets off the ship was everything i wanted it to be. (crying again) everything. 

when they go to thanos’s house thing and thor chops off his arm . its what ive been saying they shouldve done on titan 

and then he went for the head! 

five....... 

years later

fuck them. literally when the ‘five’ came up i was like no no no dont you dare do it dont you dare and then they did it. fuck them

five fucking years?!?! they made them live through 5 years of that trauma?!?!? 

nat was everything in this film. she became the leader and keeping track of everything and her moment of breaking down was just so human. she couldnt move on in those 5 years and it just shows how much the avengers had become her family. 

scott and cassie omg cassie all grown up made me so emotional 

tony and morgan i love you three thousand she is the cutest and sweetest thing 

tony fucking stark figured out time travel. he did that. 

when tony gives steve his shield back my heart could not take it

the scenes where they were trying to pinpoint the exact time to go back and it was like a sleepover sesh and all the domestic avenger fanfics 

going back a little bit

clint killing all the people that should have been killed and deserved to be killed and being a total badass showing up all those people who said he was just really good with an arrow and every scene he has with nat.

‘dont give me hope’

thor. oh where to start. he really did lose everything and he was blaming himself for all that happened so i get where hes coming from. every time you could see him remembering and tormenting himself about what happened broke me. his scene with his mother (crying again)

also hulk/bruce was an interesting choice (not a huge fan of it but ok) 

the time traveling

everything about the new york scenes were amazing. the aftermath of the end of the avengers, loki turning into cap for a second, seeing rumlow and sitwell come out, steve getting into the elevator and channeling that winter soldier energy (i was slapping my sister on the arm so hard at this part) hail hydra and outsmarting them all. cap fighting cap “i can do this all day” lmao i was dying ‘bucky is alive” again dying they really nailed it with this. i was worried beforehand because like it would change how we would see the og avengers but i still think it works

also can talk about how tony (and scott) was checking out steves ass????

“i forgot how that suit did nothing for you ass” (be still my heart) “i like to think of it at america’s ass” (or whatever the line was) 

loki getting away with the tesseract (is that in this timeline im confused about that hopefully someone will explain bc does that mean loki is alive in this timeline or not? lol)

them going back to the 1970s (do you trust me? i do) and tony meeting howard and introducing himself as howard potts. again i know i talked about howard and tony already but i loved their scenes. and JARVIS FROM AGENT CARTER MAKING AN APPEARANCE OMG

PEGGYYYYYYY (crying) when steve walked into her office (grabbed my sister again) and when he was watching her through the window and you could feel his pain. 

thor and rocket are the pairing that i never imagined but amazing none the less. i loved that we got the return of mjolnir here even though idk what that does to the timeline (again who knows at this point) 

rhodey and nebula again another pairing i didnt expect but are great together. everything about nebula in this film. she really has a great arch. i was stressing out so hard when the alternate timeline thanos found out that they came from the past. the scene where peter quill is dancing and singing to no music was great.

clint and natasha. this pairing thie duo the og. fuck my heart. when they started going off to vormir i knew. i knew it and i cannot handle it. the whole scene where they are fighting each other to sacrifice themself i was SOBBING. LEGIT SOBBING. ‘let me go’ i loved this so much and also hated it. she deserved her happy ending too. after everything she gave up everything to save those people. her arch is so good too. im excited for her origin. i kinda want to see her when shes a bad guy and killing everyone and her journey to shield. i hope thats what we’ll see in her movie. 

but also that scene emotionally fucked me up hard. 

the og avengers (minus nat) sitting on the edge of the lake 

thor trying to put on the glove and redeem himself (in his own eyes not my own bc he doesnt deserve the shit he gets for not going for the head)

hulk doing it and the calm before the storm where everything goes back before that missile comes firing down. 

steve tony and thor facing off with thanos. everything about this scene. tony getting a juice-up from thor and lightning to max out his powers. steve jump kicking on thanos’s ass. thanos beating up thor and steve coming in with FUCKING MJOLNIR AGAIN CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW MUCH I WAS CHEERING AT THIS POINT HE IS WORTHY MY BOY STEVE IS WORTHY

also on that note tony coming up to steve and saying “theres my man” or something and giving him back his shield again. 

steve standing there with his broken shield ready to face off with thanos’s army and sam coming in on the comm. and then EVERYONE COMING THRU AND KICKING NAMES AND TAKING ASS

legit cheering and crying so much 

valkyrie with her pegasus

shuri with her blasters 

peter parker and his reunion with tony was heartbreaking. tony looked so broken and complete at the same time. he got him back. 

PEPPER FREAKING POTTS 

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE (YEESSSSSSSS)

peter quill’s semi-reunion with gamora and how she doesnt know him but he gets her back

also gamora, nebula and still-evil!nebula was a great scene. nebula killing her past self is some symbolic shit right there AND to protect her sister who she hated

CAROL FUCKING DANVERS COMING TO SAVE THE DAY AND KICK THANOS’S ASS 

im sad that she wasn’t in the film as much but i get why they did it and it also makes me really excited for her future films

but carol getting the gauntlet and peter saying “i dont know how youre gonna get through that” 

and ALL THE BADASS MCU WOMEN COMING UP BEHIND HER READY TO FIGHT AND REPRESENT FOR THE FEMALES (CRYING) 

this is something that couldn’t of been done a few years ago because there weren’t a lot of female superheroes in this universe and just the fact that this scene can make such an impression and become probably one of the most badass scenes of the mcu is one of the best things that came out of this movie.

side note: ‘activate instant kill’ great callback 

and then we get to the sacrifice.

i knew it. i expected it. i read it in fanfics.

i was still not prepared. 

‘I am inevitable’

‘I AM IRON MAN’

FUCKKKKKKKK they really know how to write these movies. 

he knew he would die. he knew he would never see morgan again. but he knew what he had to do. 

his character arch from a selfish man to a selfless man has been the most profound and powerful story. 

rdj and tony stark have really carried this franchise. they were the start. and it makes sense that his death closes out this era of the mcu. 

to rdj: i will never forgive my mom for telling me that she didn’t like you way back when. that really influenced how i thought about you and about tony stark for years. and i limited me from really appreciating and loving iron man and those movies and tony’s character. but as i continued to watch more of you in the mcu and in real life and have seen how you have grown and who you are today, i have so much love and respect for you and your character. im just so upset at the time i lost where i could have fallen even more in love with you. thank you so much for everything you have done over the last 11 years for this franchise. thank you for the time thank you for the memories and the laughs. the journey has been amazing. 

the funeral scene with ‘proof that tony stark has a heart’ 

(also was the the kid from iron man 3 in the back?)

VALKYRIE BECOMING KING (queen? i say king but who knows) of new asgard. look at my killing baby all grown up and being the leader they need.

thor becoming a guardian basically. 

also was quill looking for his gamora? where was the gamora from this timeline on the ship? she wasn’t there in the scene so idk

also fighting with knives to see whos in charge lol

im glad people mentioned/mourned for nat too 

steve rogers 

steve.

i knew he wasn’t coming back.

bucky knew it too.

im wreaked

but at least he got his happy ending. he got his peggy (again idk what that does to her timeline) 

captain sam wilson america in the house.

(old steve looks like joe biden or is it just me lol)

they ended it with a steggy dance and kiss

it really was a perfect end to his story and it wrapped up his character really well. he got that life he deserved 

to chris evans: as this is probably the last time we will see you as captain america let me thank you too for the years and joy that you have brought to my life. youre it for me. you are the reason i became so invested in this world. when you jumped on the fake grenade i was in it with you. chris you are and will always be the best chris in my heart. your passion for this character and understanding of steve rogers and his motivations have created such a memorable performance. steve rogers will always be the og. he will always have my heart. i am so thankful that you took this opportunity and used it and made this character your own. you live up to the standards that steve holds for himself and i am so excited for your future. i am also so glad that you didn’t die in this movie bc i definitely could not have handled it if i had to watch both my favs die. i love you three thousand.

i literally cried throughout the whole movie. there were laughs, cheers, groans, stress, tears, and love throughout this film. i am so grateful that i am alive during this time in cinematic history. there will never be something as great or momentous as this film. a true culmination of 22 films. its never been done and i doubt itll ever be done again

i am also so impressed and amazed by how well this film turned out. it is just amazing how everything fell into place 

im sure ill read other people’s reactions and they will bring up points or problematic things that will taint my view on this movie but i dont want that to ruin my own experience

and for me, this was truly emotionally draining and fulfilling. the feeling of being in that theatre with all those people who love the characters as much as i do and experiencing this film for the first time is something i will never forget. 

people talk about how they remember lining up for star wars.

well i remember sobbing my eyes out when nat died, cheering along with everyone when cap picked up mjolnir and whipped thanos’s ass with it and when carol and the rest of the badass women of the mcu ready to kick ass, crying with everyone as the light went out in tony’s chest and eyes, watching as history was made in front of our eyes.

and the end credits with the og avengers getting recognition with their photos and autographs. 

i love this franchise and these films and these characters i dont know who i would be without them. 

one last thing

thank you to the og avengers. steve tony thor nat clint bruce. chris robert chris scarlett jeremy mark. you will always have a special place in my heart. you were there at the start. you were the reason this all could happen you were the reason i became so invested in these movies. you brought these characters to life and embodied them. you are all so much like your characters the casting is perfect. thank you for your dedication to your work to you fans and to your characters. it means so much that you all stuck through this together and that you are such great friends in real life and i can only hope that one day i can be so lucky as to meet you all and thank you in person. 

[dahniwitchoflight]

so bout that samurai jack episode

so I really like samurai jack, always have always will

which makes me feel the need to make a bit of a post on my perspective on what happened in the recent episode with Jack and Ashi becoming a couple

I really didnt expect peoples reactions to be as extreme as they were, but I also entirely understand all the arguments that would make people want to reject this ship so harshly

but given that, I don’t think the creators of the show handled things as undelicately as everyone seems to think, and this coming from a person who has a pretty similar life and “origin story” if you will as Ashi AND Jack (minus the obvious impossibilities like time travel :P but growing up in abusive isolated cult home? check. constant hyper vigilance and feeling disconnected altogether from a sense of time? check. nightmares and ptsd symptoms in general all around? check. I’m just saying, I connect to both characters here lol)

first issue people have is major and that’s the physical age gap between the two, with some people even going so far as to say its basically pedophilia, which I really don’t agree with

but given cues in the show, we know Ashi is at least an adult. Her mother lets her and her sisters go after they are fully trained adult members of the cult. Jack never sees her as anything except a murderous fully trained adult assassin out for his blood and the reveal that shes been entirely naked throughout this whole show because that black suit was actually her scarred and charred black skin?

the only other option is then the difference in experience between the two making people uncomfy, which I can understand, but the thing is, by the time that they actually become a couple, theyve gotten on equal footing.

ashi grew up isolated in a death cult that gave her no other option except to kill or be killed by the samurai. Even when she already showed inclinations of being a good and caring character to her mother’s irritation.

throughout the show, contrary to what you might think, Ashi got all of her character development on her own, while Jack was not around

Jack didn’t train her or teach her anything, Jack merely told her about the possibility of aku being evil, and then when Jack disappeared, sure her motivation to move around the world was to seek out Jack and get him to prove it to her, but unintentionally along the way she met new people, new perspectives, new ideas, saw the beauty of the world all on her own and gained those experiences and came to her own conclusions, without Jack.

the only problem with any of this was the pacing for the whole show feels too quick, so the idea that ashi gained all that experience once freed from her mother and traveled around for a bit feels too quick to really happen, but this is more a fault of the shows pacing then the shows story

its not that the plot points themselves are wrong, its just how fast they knocking them off can make it seem rushed or not real

the basic story of Ashi is:

A child with a pure heart grows up in an assassin cult and given a narrow worldview. As an adult, she fulfills her training and is then sent off to kill her target the samurai under the guidance of her god figure Aku. She fails to kill the samurai, and the samurai instead explains his absurd position that he is good and aku is evil. She at first mocks him, but as she has always been as a child, is curious, and truly wants good, so she wants confirmation of his views, wants solid proof. Jack doesnt give it to her and then leaves, forcing her to explore the world on her own and judge it with her own eyes (even though in her head she is seeking out the samurai for his answers and proof). She does this, experioences the world on her own and understands Aku’s evilness and believes in Jack’s goodness, so that by the time she actually finds the Samurai to get his answers, she already has her own. They’ve become on equal footing.

and that feels quick sure, but the important part is that its not impossible. It can be hard for abused children to accept outside narratives than the one they grew up in, the struggle is real believe me, so seeing it happen this way to Ashi can feel unrealistic to those that it hasn’t happened to. But its not impossible for it to happen this way, at all. It’s very similar to what happened with me, i also just happened to find a certain special person, just a friend from highschool, who by happenstance was the one to first help me shatter my illusions about my family, and that quickstarted my “character arc” if you will and I went from being in full brainwashed state to moving out and living my own life in a matter of couple months (not to say ive been fully healed in that time though, and neither has Ashi shown this either, as she still experiences the horror of that situation when she thinks of it as well)

and then theres how how all this looks from Jack’s point of view

Which is Jack has never seen her as some inexperienced child that needed guidance or a father, nor has he really ever held a position higher than hers mentally/psychologically from the start

he has only seen her as an assassin out for his blood who is wrongfully thinking that aku is good when he is evil

that is not “Ashi is ignorant I Must Teach her” thats “This person misunderstands greatly, they were taught wrong”

If Ashi was the sweet little know nothing ingenue that Jack had to raise/train, then Ashi would be all “Who’s Aku? What’s Evil? What’s Good?” she would literally Know Nothing at all except what Jack taught her, instead she consistently has her own ideas of the world, and changes those ideas on her own, she doesn’t just adopt samurai Jack’s worldview because he told her too. She gets her own worldview, which is subtly different than Jack’s even if they are aligned together

So we can agree Ashi is traumatized, and is mentally affected by this, despite showing realistic yet rushed growth that puts her more on par with Samurai Jack yes?

now the other side of the coin

Jack is ALSO traumatized by the life he’s lived in very similar ways to Ashi

both have been constantly forced by circumstance to survive under the threat of death, Angry Jack is literally Trauma Induced Hypervigilance personified. Ashi constantly hounded with “Are You Weak? Do You Deserve To Die?” with no person to offer either of them comfort or care. Both have been forced to fight against evil constantly, with the idea that they MUST win over evil or they will not only die, but deserve to die. Jack is a Samurai who has sworn to his family that he will fix everything and get Aku, and his guilt over feeling like he’s not able to haunts him with the faces of the dead he feels responsible for to the point where he was driven to honor bound suicide. Ashi was given one option in life, kill the samurai or die trying, and if you die you die in failure in shame, her life had no value except in if she could kill Jack. 

so its like, yes Ashi has been through some stuff, which compared to a normal psychologically healthy person, could put her at a disadvantage or set her up to be used and abused/continue the cycle etc

but Jack is nowhere near a psychologically healthy person either, he’s in the same position as her from the start

and both of them get “out of” their trauma in seemingly unrealistic ways, in fact I’d say Jack literally just sitting down and meditating Angry Jack out of his soul for a day is more unrealistic than Ashi going out and living the life she never could and experiencing full blast all of the world’s goodness on her own for the what, 2 or 3 weeks that she did before finding Jack

basically my point is by the time they kiss on the show, they are both adults, and have no reason to believe the other is not just a normal adult, they’ve been through the same trauma’s, been on the same unstable mental footing, continue to deal with the feelings of terror while aligning themselves to the same goal of “get aku” theyve traveled together, understood their differences and now understood perhaps theyre similarities, felt a connection and kissed

and really, Ashi deserves the love that Jack could bring her as much as Jack deserves the love Ashi can bring him

nothing about their situation feels unequal in any regard to me, except for the literal fact that Ashi is 20 to Jack’s unnatural 70

we see the difference as the audience, but Jack sees a normal 20 year old woman his equal, who can sympathize with his life experiences, and Ashi sees a normal 20 year old man her equal, who needed a shave, who can sympathize with her life experiences

all in all, it doesn’t feel like a disservice to either of their character’s, it feels like two traumatized people happened to find themselves on the same boat for once, and discovered that hey, maybe another living human does and can understand what I’ve been through, maybe I can make a connection to another person

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i need to do some writing today.

here is what i know as a fact: i am undoubtedly more mature emotionally and in overall life than him. no matter what, i will always handle life easier than him because “my journey” “taught me” “how to be strong”.but its not strength. its like.. an armour coating. and i just kept painting a protective sealant around my soul everytime something happened so now when something happens thats pretty fucing bad, my reaction is much less than the average person. kind of like an ER trauma doctor - theyve seen so much. i have seen more than almost any other person my age. i know more. even though i didnt have the same experiences as them, i still know of life much more. i know the true reality of life as it is and not what is sold to you or influenced by a higher source. 

and life is absolute total complete shit. it’s totally completely terrible and if you are lucky - and ONLY if you are lucky, will you find your own success which will satisfy you just enough to make it through. 

i am not depressed solely because my father is dead. thats simple. that doent stop me from living my life. if he just died randomly - that sucks ass but you move on. its not his death. its his life. he worked 47 years to have his pensions stolen legally. like government approved pension theft. he worked so hard to die in poverty. he wasnt a homeless person. he never borrowed money from anyone. he had no debts. why in the FUCK did he get that? what kind of god, if there was a god, would reward your earthly services with fucking poverty. the government told him if you pay your taxes and be a good citizen you will get X amount for the rest of your days but no where did they say if you get married though and become seperated your wife will take your pensions. what the fuck is seperation if nothing changes? 

47 years to be crippled in a lazy boy watching wrestling. FORTY. SEVEN. YEARS. where in the FUCK was his reward? he didnt even get a loving family! he died ALONE. he gave everything he had in his life toe veryone else and he died ALONE starving in a hospital bed. 

so tell me now how you paying 1.50 for air at the pump is the sign of the world ending. tell me how them raising the gas prices before a holiday is the worst of capitalism. tell me how you working sooo hard for the past year has been just absolutely terrible and “gotten you nowhere” as you live in your mothers house for free. 

bitch you dont even know the worst of life. you dont even know what it is to do everything right and stil get nothing for it. he said to me, “you dont know, ive had to actually work -” .. “ive watched a dozen men in the exact same position as you get royally fucked much harder than you and have to keep going. how does this give me any incentive to go out and work as i watched men break their back for _nothing_? their lives are no better.”

i told him that my doctor believes i completely understand whats going on. that im not like delusional or creating scenarios in my head - i have encountered the true realities of life and human beings have extreme difficulties dealing with some of the worst parts of life; such as moving & public speaking & death. 

so i go back and forth. because im told im shit i believe im shit and infantalize myself; i must be so ignorant and so blinded not to see the “truth” and that my depression is a fog keeping me from seeing positive things. 

but then there are times like this where i realize i might actually be one of the few people around me who actually see things for how they are. his mother returned from her vacation and immediately she brought a cloud of darkness with her because she is the epitome of mass consumption and spoiledness. and its become disgusting the level in which she is consuming and spending money and i cant even pretend to be amused anymore. it really pisses me off. because i have such little money i am dictated as to how i should be using it and what i should be buying and yet she has enough money to stock her house with food that has been expired for two years and continue to buy more and be particular about bagged milk or eggs with omega 3 and its like you lived on an island which shouldve been closer to farm life and you somehow came out entitled and spoiled as fuck. my friend and i slept in her bed for four hours one night after drinking and she left her rings but we didnt know. his mother found them and fraked out that we slept in her bed because “you cant sleep in a bed someone else has slept in”.

and its like within this “concern” she had no bearng at all on the fact she was insulting me and my friend. he said, “theyre probably cleaner than i am” in response because it did sound like she was saying my friend and i were sooo dirty we somehow sullied her bed. like we’re below her and we fucked up her things. this is of course after she had moved my bag of laundry from inside the house to the garage. so its like one after another thing making me feel sooo second class and shitty and hes crying about 1.50 at the pump. his own mother is apart of the larger problem and continually makes me feel like shit. theres no reason for my laundry to be moved; at all. it was just ‘ugh get out of my house’ without saying it because people like her make passive aggressive moves while smiling sunshine out of their ass. 

the weekend was continually up ad down with him. when he returned he was so excited to see me. he was super affectionate and loving and outwardly praising me in front of his friends and it was really fucing nice and it lulled me into a false sense of security. but like in no way do i believe hes acting malicious. like he did this purposely to manipulate me. his actions were not done maliciously, but this is the result of them. i was lulled into false security because the next four days were very up and down and not great but still okay?

on thursday & friday he was very focused on the time i spent with a new friend. but he portrayed this like a “joke”. like he was “mocking” it or “making fun”. but it became like.. so often that it was not a joke. it became a VERY clear sign of insecurity that amounted on saturday to me saying i was “bored” and him becoming VERY insecure. he apologized that i was bored, he “joked” that i would disappear for a day and suck some other guys dick and lie about it for six months. and lke these are not jokes. theyre said as jokes, his tone is joking but this is not a joke. this is a projection of insecurity.

but the thing is it doesnt make sense. our “relationship” is “open”. for all intents & purposes, hes allowed to “be with other people”. will i also be with him? .... remains to be seen. maybe i will. i dont know. i cannot say if he is sooooo important and i am soooo progressed in my perspectives that i would say i cant be associated with him. i dont know yet. but this is an “allowable occurence” as deemed by him and “agreed” to by me. so this is open. but its becoming increasingly apparant that this is not open for me. none of my actions in any way can or should be considered “cheating”. not that any of my actions ould be described as cheating - ive gone for drives & walks with friends and drew pictures. i have not even physically touched another man in a year beyond a hug which has lasted probably maximum ten seconds long. but even if i had 2 minue long hugs which tured to make out sessions and sucked dick at the end - it shouldnt be cheating. there is no rule that says this is cheating. everything says this is okay. if HE can do it, then CERTAINLY i can also. 

he directly referrred to the fact that my new friend had gone to an art gallery in kitchener and wondered outloud if thats what he shouldve done but didnt think it wold be worth it. he was just focused on the fact this person existed in my life at all and that he would be seen as boring and uninteresting in comparison. i had never seen him so outwardly insecure and bothered by something like this in our relationship.

the next morning he woke up and reminded me that we had an open relationship and that he thought about these other girls and wanted this and this etc. it seemed obvious that he was saying this because he was upset by the insinuation i thought he was boring (which i never said, btw, i said i was “bored”. i specifically remember saying i was bored. period. not that he caused the boredom or was a boring person) and maybe was looking somewhere else. like he had built the delusion up so far he had to hurt me with “yeah well i can do this too” even though i wasnt. i told him this later on and he meekly said that wasnt why he had brought it up but it clearly was. later that night he said, “if you leave me you have to tell me so i can leave you first” which i felt succinctly described what happened - he felt like i was going to leave him so he pre-empted by reminding me he could also fill my space. 

i continually repeated that i wasnt going to leave him but it became so exaggerated that .. it wasnt that i didnt believe that i wasnt going to leave him but i didnt believe there was a relationship to leave. what would i leave? was it not him who wanted to leave? was it not him who wanted more? was it not him whos unsatisfied? why would you assume i would leave when its him whos unhappy? see, i want to have a life with him. i try to make an effort to have a life with him but im completely stuck. 

last night i helped him with this very dumb and futile task of taping large pieces of vinyl wrapping on a deck in the wind before a storm. i didnt have to but i did because i love him and knew it was a shitty task to have to do and next to impossible on your own. we werent able to do it and he was upset about it and his job and his life and within an hour was taking it out on me. he said that our relationship was the “easy way out” and that he could get instant gratification in his day by fucking and smoking weed. if he was alone more then he could have time to “think” and “be himself” and that i should respect when he says no or wants to be alone (he didnt say he wanted to be alone). he said hes run by anxiety and that in another time he wouldve just up and moved by now instead of talking about it.  

i felt really offended that our relationship had been degraded to instant gratification. it was the first time i really felt like a whore in the relationship and that my purpose was to fuck. i asked him what i could do when i was with him to encourage better choices beyond fucking and smoking weed. he told me there was nothing. so i also felt like i had no choice either but to be someone he fucks and smokes weed with and thats it. like i cant build a life with him because im just a fucktoy who smokes his weed. like sure, he wanted to express the dissatisfaction in our routine but he was no better than his mother in expressing it because he didnt care that he was insinuating i had no other use to him. 

he tried to be easy going after this conversation - i didnt respond to his crap but i did not feel good anymore. i made a legitimate effort to help him resolve his personal issues and he essentially shit on me. i wasnt condoning continuing the routine, i was encouraging a change and it was like no, we still have to do this but also give me time alone to have a seperate life.

and i live that already. i live this shitty duality of lives where i spend my days alone trying to put together a life i lead completely independent from him like he doesnt even exist and then have to pick it back up and act like its this most important thing of my life. there is no middle ground, its one extreme or the other while pretending tht this is a “relationship” and that we’re “in love”. but i think we just love each other. i dont think this is in love. maybe im in love, maybe because i understand “in love” more than him but i think he just loves me and cares about me. which is fine - its not even like i think he doesnt want to be with me. he does. but he is not really capable of being with me in the capacity that i need and im not needy. im not broken because this is not good enough for me and that im like wrong for wanting more. its natural and okay. 

he jokes that we are already married. that i will do womens work because he goes to work and i stay home. but there is no “home” in which to do this work in. he has not provided me anything beyond packs of smokes and weed and iced capps. like he supports me in the way the government supports me. just enough to still need more support but not fail completely. i thik he feels comfortable playing house and i’m sort of looking at him like are you for real? like the test drive is about to be over. 

he said he “felt like a prisoner” because he didnt want to go downstairs and make food and face his shitty mother. i told him i felt the same at my place with my roommate. but theres like.. no response. no empathy - like hey, we share the same shitty thing. or maybe even like a deeper understanding of who i am and the life i live without him. 

this morning i woke up and fel the same. he wanted to fuck and i didnt, i said no but he continued to pull down my pants. and this is not going into like some assault story because thats not it at all. yes,  i said no. and if i had pulled away and been like fuck no - it wouldve ended.  i wasnt trapped. i made a concious decision to let him do this but not even want it. and i dont think he really even cared; in many ways he can be pretty depraved and its likely the idea that i was doing it just to get it over with turned him on anyways. and i dont even judge these behaviors because the horrors and depravity and realities of life keep me interested and he is just honest about his depravity because people are ashamed of theirs. maybe i am too. not that i was turnd on by this; im not into guys fucking me when im not into it, but i coud probably participate in rape fantasies so maybe i can disconnect easier and take it for what it is. its never malicious. no one is uisng sex to make me feel this way except maybe myself. i took advantage of an oportunity to amke myself feel like shit for this brief moment. he came suprisingly fast. 

i think he knew i was upset though and i didnt want to have a conversation about his offenses at 630am. he started complaining about gas prices and air prices and i just took that as an opportunity to vent my projections and frustrations. like - fuck off. life is shit and you won the god damn lottery. your anxieties are insignificant and bullshit, you are ungrateful and self centered and lack empathy for others. like you feel “guilty” but you dont actually understand how THEY feel. like watching kids in africa and youre like omgz so sad *sends coffee money*. like, please. 

i tried to approach it from an empathetic point. we hae similar problems. we are both crippled by anxiety and finding a purpose / worth in life. we believe there are solutions “if we could just do this .. this would be better” and maybe we’re right. maybe. but the anxiety stops us. so i tried to help him with my own coping methods - he says he has too much anxiety to look at apartments. i told him to build it up, make it exciting, make it positive and follow through and then feel good about it even though it seems really stupid to have to put this much care and effort into a simple task. it still gets done, right?

he told me that doesnt work for him. i was like “oh”. i didnt know it was an option. when ive said this in the past he told me i wasnt trying hard enough, that i should do better. 

this morning i focused back on me. i hope im accepted for disability. i feel stuck. i want a break. i dont need to put in physical hours at someones business to deserve a fucking break in life. that does not determine my worth. and it shouldnt be this hard. it shouldnt. but society wants poor people dead. they do not care about mental health - and you’re right, no one cares about you. very few people will ever feel the momentous weight of no nest at all. 

so whatever, you know? you dont want to live with me? you dont want to spend time with me? then i just wish i had disability - not for the “quick fix” because nothing about it is quick. but for the opportunities it gives me because no one in the world can do anything without someone else. period. end of sentence. that is the true reality, that is what i absolutely know to be true in an experience which very few people have lived with and those who have would more than likely agree because most success stories are ones who have been elevated by someone or a system created by someones. i dont know a single one off hand that didnt have, “and then i met so and so and everything changed” or “and then i got this x opportunity through this person”. 

i dont want to be paid for in life. i dont want to be supported. i dont even want someone to ust completely pay for me out of their own pocket right now. thats terrible. i couldnt feel goood about it, no matter how “easy” it would be. i want to pay my share, support myself, my habits, my life by my own means. which is what i do now while putting in copious amount of  man hours into “womens work” to offset snacks and meals in what should be a “relationship”. 

i feel like this weekend was a good sign of why i need to work on accepting my independence as highest priority in life. i deserve a family but i wont have one right now because life is not fair as much as it is not fair for people who suffer in war and poverty in third world countries. life is no different - we all live in the same timeline & world & existence so this is not completely unheard of and people do survive terrible tragedies. life is just not fair and for as long as human beings existed as sentient beings, we have been creating unfair scenarios for the benefit of ourselves. thats life. thats what i can know and breathe as life. you can never be surprised or shocked by the actions of a human being - theyre just unpredictable and yet predictable at the same time because no matter what they will create unfairness in some capacity. and it took me soooooooo long to accept this knowledge at all. i wanted to believe that unfair things just happened. like some random force in the world makes unfair things happen and if you do enough right things then itll be smooth sailing glory days. but thats not it. life is not a series of check points. random organic beings evolved seperately like a colony of a million ants and althrough a million ants can make a whole workng system, within those millions are a million different minds. and they need the fucking colony because individually they are nothing but ants. theyre just things flying around on a big ball in a vast nothingness and everthing all a the ame time. and theyre terrified you know? theyre fucking terrified because you dont know why the fuc you came to be. youre just brething and shitting and eating and sleeping. what in the fuck is the purpose to all of this? and maybe theres no answer and youre just here on this fucking big blue ball flying in vast nothingness. but within the colony, its easier to eat and shit and sleep and not die or be threatened by imminent death. and you have a job, you have some task that keeps the gears rolling in this system that suddenly is more important than whats happening outside because this is easy and anything outside is hard and terrifying. 

but every being feels this. its not unique to one hero. its everyone. everyone evolved from nothing and inherited a really complex system that was supposed to make it easier to live and they hoped whoever birthed you prepared you appropriately for the system; if not, or if you’ve lost them, good luck. 

but at some point almost everyone, perhaps everyone, comes to a point, even in the comfort of their parents, where they question their purpose on this ball. why the fuck are we here, why am i in this system, how do i use it to benefit me if outside is unimaginable? how do i not hate myself for it?

and thats where we begin to create individualized coping strategies. maybe its leaning on your parents harder while you question existence, taking 9 yrs to graduate school, hitchhiking across the country, doing recreational drugs, finding “instant gratification” in other humans and eventually, hopefully, you find what works for you. and once you do, it will be hard to convince you otherwise because thats what makes you “happy”. you are at full “easy’ in life where all the basic needs have been covered and you havent degraded yourself for it - whether it be sucking dick or working long hours at a shitty job. 

so i find it hard to demonize anyone at all. even all the people who did me wrong. even all the shity actions described above - thats how they coped to find their personal “easy” because thats the very best you can get within this system because our agreed upon basic purpose in life is to make basic survival “easy”. perhaps our brains and mental capacities never considered what basic surivial truly entailed and maybe were not there yet. is it just breathing eating sleeping and shitting? of course, fucking is involved but thats a future survival of genetics and if you cant surviv until puberty, thats not even an issue. is it also tending to the care of emotional and mental development? 

i feel like society as a whole, human beings as a group, despite the individuals who might go against the majority, but as a group, in popular culture, emotions & mental status are not an issue until theyve created one. so we are purposefully ignoring what weve evolved to know to be a necessity in basic survival. yes, grandpa was ‘tough as nails’ but grandpa was not a fucking robot and perhaps learned good coping methods such as active hobbies, a friend to talk to or maybe grandpa drank a lot. humans are not weaker now, they were dumber before. they had no idea that mental illness existed, that some could be preventable or treated. they did not understand the brain as they did not understand space, the oceans - this is one of life’s greatest mysteries and since we dont understand it we imagine it to have a grand capacity but everything has its limitations. i dont understand the brain at all, i cant fathom the idea of why a person can continue to learn and adopt new things throughout life but never consider what is insde of themselves and capacity they have or why. they’re just full of pride that they managed to ‘achieve’ a perceived limitation. anyone can do anything. whether you have the tools or opportunities to do so is completely different. 

outside of genetic defects, everyone is made up of the same shit. no one is uniquely special or better. everyone, even ones with defects, needs to breathe eat shit and sleep. and thats where the unfairness comes in. for some people, in this system, their inheritance of privledges makes it way more opportunities to create “easy” things in their lives. why do they deserve this inheritance if we are all born as equals? no one as a baby did anything to deserve the opportunities or priviledges that set them up to inherit a better system. why did some babies get better opportunities thn others? 

the system is unfair but you cannot change the system when it still “works” for everone else. you cant change it. it’s so unfair, it’s so completely unfair. but no matter how fucking unfair it is you still need to eat. you still need to shit. you still need to sleep and breath clean air. and thats why you work. thats why you keep working. i try to imagine why others have chosen what they have. perhaps their parents brainwashed them into the system and they had other priviledges and they just blindly accept what they “know”. i question why people buy alot of things they do. i wonder why they put value of themselves, like it was worth doing literal work to earn the money to buy a tube of lipstick? how does that factor easy? but i guess life had become so easy that the anixieties about the color of their lips are higher priority than the comfort of their next shit. 

but THATS not the way it used to be. that would be the difference from grandpa to our modern world. and that frustrates me alot. i would thrive in a tiny home but at 27, and where im at now, thats like a dream i have for 20 mnues before entering real life again. its not going to happen. so how do i compromise right now? im walking wide eyed terrified alone on this big ball in vast nothingness, where do i find my “easy”? my inheritance was the same “strength” and stubbornness my parents had - no opportunity, no priviledge. i’ll survive, but it wont be pretty. 

if i get disability, i want to move. although i want to go to college, that’s a really big step in life that i think i can just hold as a goal. i would like to go to college before im 30. considering i am still interested in my original course and its something that is recession proof and doesnt really require “upgrading” any skills in the future - it’s a totally feasible and good goal. so i want to move. and i could probably move anywhere in ontario or the gta. i mean not even probably - i literally can. i can go anywhere. i have friends here. but i made them all in the past 2 years, without working. i guess i “worked” but it wasnt “work. i found a way to make that “easy”. 

i want to live a creative life. thats my pretty top priority in “easy independence”. i also want to accept that this is plan a b and c. theres no like, “well if this person comes along”. this is so desirable to me that it should take months of considderation to break down the intricacies of my own wants and desires and things i provided myself to decide to merge with someone. 

so im trying to do that. and it takes alot of thinking because this is life or death for me. this is happiness or failure. this is being stable and content or homeless poverty. im “afforded the luxury” of living somewhere “safe” that i can afford as i think about these things. where do i want to move? i want to have my own place. even if its like my friends with no kitchen, i want my own place that i dont have to worry about someone else in. my curret place feels like a hotel or dorm room.  i wan to feel comfortable spending time “alone” and actually be “alone”. id like to move closer to downtown because it was easier to walk around and had more ammenities. i consider also my doctor who woudve gotten me this opportunity and how important it might be to keep within travelling distance. but maybe its better to move? 

if i went to college, it would be in the same city he wants to move to, pretty much down the street 20 minutes away. thats the real insult to all of this. i could have a much easier time but hes decided to make both of our lives very difficult. do i want to move there if he does? or regardless? continue this expensive routine of having seperate places? or commute to college everyday, five days a week? its close to toronto, on the subway line - a total change from my life now. my life perhaps ever. 

i got the letter saying they got my application. it could take 90 business days to decide, which means i might not hear anything until november, maybe even december. which sucks pretty bad. but having even the glimmer of hope makes things “easier” for the time being. i still have this time to fill. and even if idid go to college next year, i have atleast a year before it starts. what do i do with the rest of 2017? he wants me to take a class. he told me also to start getting my liscence. i need a new phone to really kick off my new business idea and my desire to do anythng art related right ow is super low. i hate my environment. its cold and dark and damp and loud. i dont want to make anything, not even jewelry. 

i was paid five days ago but ive done nothing but buy weed and smokes. i havent bought any groceries yet. truthfully i havent showered since sunday (maybe saturday) and i wasnt even home until this morning. i mostly want to sleep. ive smoked so much weed, im not even really getting high anymore. spend some time with my cats who i had really started missing. im expected to open the arts colletive back up and announce upcoming plans but im still trying to care. just, at all. i fell off the radar and dedicated too much time to him and im sad that i cant even be anxious to seehim because even thats pointless now.