#he says like three things are happening at once

[finexbright]

.

[variousqueerthings]

us on tumblr like: the most important thing actually is that daniel did nothing wrong in the karate kid part three and he needs to stop framing it to himself and others as if he did

[vaguely-concerned]

I am still wheezing this entire scene is the hottest thing I've ever seen like... what man can top that

just the emotional security I experienced immediately once he showed up fdsalfsd lupin was like 'he's here :)' and holy shit yes he was!!!!

[hyperfixation-hideout]

Oscar: All of this doubt, and worry, and distrust-

Ozpin: By all means, keep listing my specialties.

[shima-draws]

CAN Y’ALL BELIEVE THEY PULLED THIS TROPE THREE TIMES

It’s the Trustedpartner Trope™

[mjvnivsbrvtvs]

I forgot ‘assassination’ was a word RIP

[winepresswrath]

Because it's been rattling around in my brain for a couple of days, and i love your takes: what do you think would change (dynamics wise, or just in general) if jiang cheng and yanli were age swapped?

Are we making Wei Wuxian Yanli’s age? I’m going to make Wei Wuxian Yanli’s age. In a lot of ways it simplifies the relationships between all three of them. Per that one excellent post, Jiang Cheng is now the sect heir, the oldest, and the oldest boy, so he’s just got to step up and be responsible for everyone always. He’s got a lot of tendencies in that direction anyway, and I think you can extrapolate from how he is with both her and Jin Ling in canon that he’d be informed he had a baby sister, decide he loves her even more than he loves puppies, and proceed to crankily dote on her with great enthusiasm. She’s the princess, she gets what she wants, join the tea party or he’ll break your legs. Yanli actually gets a childhood in this universe because he’s doing his best to step up and shield her from their parents’ dysfunction, even if his temperament is not quite as suited to being a nurturing almost parent as hers is. 

I honestly find it kind of hard to imagine a Jiang Cheng who isn’t the baby of the family. Having Yanli as a quasi-parent is a big deal, developmentally. I really don’t know what he looks like without that; so much of the best of him can be traced back to his ability to trust and rely on her. Needing to look after her might be an adequate substitute, but I think he comes out of it somehow even worse at bonding with and trusting outsiders than he is in canon.

I also think that furious determination to prove himself is at least partially a response to the way everyone in his family coddles him or acts like he’s incompetent or both, and they’d do that less if he wasn’t officially designated the youngest, so he might actually calm down about some things.  

I don’t think Jiang Cheng throws the same fit about giving his dogs away but he’s still furious, especially if Yanli is also down a puppy. Presuming Wei Wuxian picks up on his anger and runs away over it I think Yanli is the one to come and get Jiang Cheng. He panics because a child is missing but takes Yanli with him to search instead of leaving her behind to get help, because he’s internalized the idea that adults just make things worse even more than both of them did in canon. They find him together, and Jiang Cheng angrily yells about how Wei Wuxian could have been hurt as he climbs the tree to retrieve him and carries him home. Yanli is still the person saying “he just yells when he’s worried; it means he likes you” and it all basically works out. 

His parents might actually be less terrible in this universe, because it’s less easy to draw direct comparisons between him and Wei Wuxian. Even when they’re mostly peers he’s actually pretty good at not taking out his inferiority complex on his brother (see: the kite shooting scene). Your little brother being a once in a generation talent is worse than your older brother beating you at everything in some ways, but it takes them out of direct competition if they’re father apart in age and puts Jiang Cheng in a teacher/mentor role. He’s already inclined to take pride in his brother’s accomplishments! It could be OK.  Meanwhile rather than being just one step behind Wei Wuxian, Yanli can’t keep physically up with him at all, which means she’s excused from the competition and they can focus on the important things like tormenting Jins, wheedling Jiang Cheng into buying them forbidden quantities of candy, and extremely elaborate tea parties. I don’t think Jiang Fengmian’s parting message is “take care of Jiang Cheng” and I think even Madame Yu is more likely to have said something like “make yourself useful” than “protect him with your life.”

It also means Wei Wuxian can’t justify his protective streak with some combination of “well I’m older,” and “well I’m better,” which really changes up their dynamic. I’m sure eventually he’d catch up and surpass Jiang Cheng, but I’m not sure it happens before the fall of Lotus Pier. Assuming Madame Yu and Jiang Fengmian’s unfiltered parenting hasn’t completely broken him, Jiang Cheng’s been in the babysitter/pseudoparent role for most of their childhood instead of Yanli. That means there is actually a chance Jiang Cheng is capable of exercising some measure of authority over Wei Wuxian.  Yanli being the youngest also means Jiang Cheng gets to be like “it’s very important that you be good and live up to your responsibilities so we can protect her together, as her big brothers,” and I think that’s very effective emotional blackmail. You don’t get the core transfer, because I don’t actually think Wei Wuxian would think it was his job to make that kind of choice for this version of Jiang Cheng. Of course that changes everything, especially because this is a universe where Jiang Cheng has built his entire identity on two things: being the Sect Heir, and being the protector and provider for his younger siblings. Now he can’t do either, but also he’s their primary source of emotional support and functionally their parent, so if he peaces out and lets himself die they’re going to be orphaned all over again. Jiang Cheng is, as ever, having a miserable life!

[winter-jay-official]

*

[bitch-is-for-okay]

okay so i'm finally listening to the magnus archives. i've started and stopped on the first episode a few times but never made it to episode two. this time i was determined, though. I WANTED TO KNOW WHO FUCKHANDS MCMICHAEL WAS, OKAY??? so i managed to sit few a few episodes and decided i guess i kind of like it.

anyway. i'm on episode 39: infestation. i kind of sort of love these goddamn dumbasses. thanks, that's all.

i still don't know who fuckhands is tho

[ggaes]

i had such a weird dream last night skhsjdhd

[mutantbanner]

marvel: “so there’s the heritable mutant x gene (which miiight actually be not one single gene but a whole combination of complex genes that work together - hank mccoy, mutant genetics expert) which can be triggered by trauma, puberty, radiation, etc, is heritable, and your mutant powers are often affected by your personality and subconscious. it’s usually detectable and shows up before adulthood, but sometimes you can get a false negative or be a late bloomer.”

marvel: “oh yeah there’s also the heritable, mysterious ~m gene~ which is triggered by radiation and the powers you get from it are affected by your personality and subconscious. don’t know what it could possibly be though. The Reason Bruce Banner Survived The Gamma Bomb Is Such A Mystery! :)”

[vaguely-concerned]

there is an enduring tension in the scoundrels and thieves ‘verse as to whether shimadadad turns a bit of a blind eye to his oldest son having a long-term romantic relationship with what at least theoretically could be a rival a) because he genuinely wants the kid to be allowed to have one (1) nice thing for now so long as it doesn’t interfere with anything else, b) in sheer gratitude that in contrast to genji’s various and sundry romantic misadventures hanzo’s at least being low-key about it, or c) out of the prosaic and rather clinical observation that hanzo already has a pretty devastating depressive streak and he’s a lot more functional when he sees jesse regularly-ish 

and I sort of enjoy it

[fingertipsmp3]

You ever have a friend who you just don’t understand. Like as a person and as a concept

[osakiharu]

WHEN THEY HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU !!

part one | part two | part three

content : gender neutral reader, fluff, not proof read 

characters : mikey, mitsuya, baji, sanzu, rindou, ran

notes : ooo i hope y’all like this one i was a nervous to post it hehe :0

˗ˏˋ MIKEY

- he’s convinced he doesn’t have a crush on you. like he knows he does and so does everyone else. but if you bring it up he’s like ‘whoa that’s crazy because they’re literally best friend so…’

- and then he’ll act like he’s already your boyfriend.

- mikey is the sort of person to not always look at people when they talk to him - he’s still listening but he doesn’t feel the need to make eye contact

- but he never looks away from you when you speak to him - he smiles and nods a lot because he wants to make sure you know he’s listening

- when you’re both talking about something you like he gets so excited and cuts you off by accident all the time

- he always wants to have your attention on him but he knows that can’t happen so he always ends up being way louder than he needs to just to make sure you remember he’s there

- he loves having you tell him about your day if you didn’t spend it together - he likes to check up on you a lot <3 (and to make sure there isn’t anyone trying to date you too)

- he hates the thought of anyone trying to ask you out on a date or also having a crush on you so he’s pretty possessive of you

- if someone does ask you out when he’s there he’ll say something like “yeah, nice try but they’ve already got a boyfriend.”

- if you’re ever mad at him for that he says stuff like “what? i never said it was me, did i?” / “i don’t like that guy, i’ve heard some shit about him.” (he probably hasn’t) / “come on, you weren’t seriously gonna say yes were you? you can do better than that, sweets.”

- he’s unintentionally more immature around you because he really wants to make you laugh and smile :(

- he never wants you to get involved with gang stuff so that also adds to his possessiveness - he just wants to keep you safe and out of harm’s way <3 (it surprises you how serious he is when he tells you not to stay out too late and stuff because of gangs or whatever)

- he pats your head and ruffles your hair a lot - mikey likes physical affection and he wants to be touchy with you but he doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable at all so he sticks to that as well as hugs

- if you initiate a hug he feels like he wants to cry - he could hug you forever and he gets sad when you pull away from him

- once you pulled him in for a long hug and he just sat there smiling into your neck trying not to fall asleep <3

- he also likes to lean his head on your shoulder <3

- if you initiate anything else beyond that like cuddling he’s happy to do it but he’ll never do anything without knowing you’re okay with it - the last thing he wants is to scare you off

- he asks you to meet up all the time and if you say you can’t he’ll be like ‘please, just for 10 minutes 🥺’

- either that or he just shows up at your house demanding to be let in

- takes him a while to accept his crush on you mainly because you’re so close and he’s worried about you being like ew wtf 💀

- he won’t confess unless he’s 100% sure you like him too - he would never want to do anything to your friendship

- if you don’t like him back he’ll be so crushed but he wont tell you that obviously - he’ll just be like oh okay that’s fine! and your friendship just continues as it is <3

˗ˏˋ MITSUYA

- gentleman. that’s it.

- mitsuya very much thinks you’re an angel <3 he loves every single thing about you and i feel like he gives you kinda unique compliments or he compliments you on things a lot of other people overlook

- he doesn’t just look at you as a whole person, he takes his time looking at every single bit of your personality and what you like or dislike and how you like to dress and what you like to do when it rains

- he wants his sisters to like you so bad :( like he knows you’re not dating but he gets so upset if his sisters decide they don’t like you for some reason

- he accidentally tells his sisters about his crush because he can’t shut up about you so if they see you when they’re out with him they giggle and whisper about how he should go and talk to you

- “takashi, go and talk to them before they leave!” “yeah, kiss them too if you like them that much!”

- he also really wants you to be best friends with his friends if you aren’t already, especially people like mikey, hakkai, baji, yuzuha etc

- he gets frustrated sometimes because he can’t always do the things he wants to with you - he would love to go shopping with you and buy you all the pretty clothes that you like or just treat you to something nice but it’s hard when it comes to money :(

- so instead he just gets you to talk his ears off about clothes and then makes them for you <3

- or if you complain to him about wanting to buy something but it was sold out he just makes it and surprises you with it

- mitsuya likes gift giving a lot me thinks<3

- he can never stop thinking of you. it gets to the point where he makes clothes to your measurements even if he’s just experimenting and plans on scrapping whatever he’s making after

- he does little things for you like carry your bags or pick things up for you when you drop them or ties your shoe laces

- he does get a little jealous when he sees you with other guys but he won’t ever do anything about it and usually he just shakes his head and moves on - he rarely gets jealous over things like that and he’s never upset or surprised when other people ask you on dates

- i feel like he would only really get upset over something like that if it was one of his friends asking you out

- he loves to spend time with you - mitsuya is very busy and he rarely has time to stop and sit down but he always makes time for you no matter what (he starts to get irritated really easily when he doesn’t see you for ages 😭)

- he likes to take you to the movies or to go for little walks in pretty places - his life is so hectic and he finds that you always make him feel relaxed and calm <3

- once when you were on one of your little walks he held your hand - it was mindless and he didn’t even realise he did it until you looked up at him

- when you didn’t let go he smiled like a complete idiot for the rest of the walk

- he eventually tells you about his feelings - he doesn’t make a big deal out of it but he’s secretly praying that you won’t reject him

- who the fuck would reject mitsuya though 🫶

˗ˏˋ BAJI

- he definitely acts like more of a gentleman than he actually is

- he’s already pretty intimidating so he doesn’t want to scare you even more by acting too bold or aggressive or something

- so he tries to be a little calmer around you and waits to tell you about his gang and stuff

- he tries really hard to impress you but half the time it doesn’t work or it makes you giggle even though it wasn’t supposed to 💀

- whenever he sees you out he always has to come and say hi <3 even if he’s with his friends and they have places to be he just can’t pass up the opportunity to talk to you <3

- he gets embarrassed when his friends start shouting at him to “hurry up and leave his partner alone” - he just stands there blushing like “ignore them 🧍‍♂️😐”

- if he catches you when you’re out at night or it’s dark he’ll always walk with you to wherever you’re going and scold you for being out late <3 not harshly though, he means well <3

- “why the fuck are you out this late? ’s like you want me to come ’n’ keep you safe!”

- he likes to give you things of his or let you borrow things from him

- even if you don’t ask for it he’ll be like 🤲 use this !! - you’re cold? okay have his jacket, he doesn’t need one anyways! you’re too hot? cool, he’ll tie your hair up out of your face and you can keep the band even though you already have a collection of his hairbands at home!

- if you accept his jacket he’ll think about how you looked in it for the next week. he’ll go and tell chifuyu and kazutora about it too

- he cannot shut up about you for a single second. sometimes his friends have to ask if you’re finally dating yet because the way he talks about you sounds like you’ve been married for ten years <3

- he wants you to be best friends with kazutora and chifuyu if you’re not already - either way they both love you <3

- eventually baji and his friends have a system going on - chifuyu will talk to you about manga and figure out which ones are your favourite and kazutora will talk to you about literally everything else.

- and then they go and tell baji everything so he can read your favourite mangas and take you to your favourite cafes and listen to your favourite album

- this is mainly because baji feels awkward when it comes to ‘getting to know you’ talk. he can’t stand it unless the first thing that is brought up is something he likes

- but also he likes to surprise you <3 like when he invites you over to help him with his homework he’ll put on your favourite music and you’re like “no way you like this too?? :D” and he just goes like “yeah it’s my favourite 😏”

- he panics if you start asking him too many questions though 😭

- he always uses homework as an excuse to see you as well <3 does he listen when you explain something? nope, he stares at you the entire time like a complete idiot <3

- if you’re struggle with the homework too then he’s just like okay 🤷‍♀️ we’ll struggle together then !!

- he’d rather struggle with you than have to ask him mum for the millionth time

- eventually he confesses to you and he’s pretty nervous about it :( but as soon as you’re like no way i like you too! he tells his mum about you like you’re gonna be married by next week 😭

˗ˏˋ SANZU

-in his head you’re already his. like you’re literally dating fym you’re single?

- he loves your attention. he needs it. like if he doesn’t get enough of your attention in a day it makes him super grumpy and he’s so nasty to be around 😭

- like if you don’t show up somewhere on time or you’re not there when he gets there (eg a group meet up) he will immediately ask someone where you are

- then you gotta deal with him messaging you afterwards because it ruined his day :/ he won’t blame it on you though, he’ll blame it on anything else imaginable 

- so yeah he asks you to meet up with him alone a lot just so he can have all your attention on him and he can flirt with you as much as he wants (without rindou telling him to shut up <3)

- he likes to ask you if you want to go on a walk with him and get food, usually something sweet like ice cream or candy - he always says that’s one of those ‘our thing’ moments, like it’s a special little thing y’all do together 

- share your food with him and he’ll think of it as a proposal. like once y’all shared a cake together and he was thinking “it’s like our wedding !” boy come on now 🧍‍♀️

- also if you give him literally anything he will keep it. it could literally be a piece of paper with ‘you stink’ written on it and he’ll put it up on his wall like a mini poster - if his friends come over he’ll be like “look, y/n wrote that ! bet they were trying to flirt with me or something 🫶”

- he also likes to give you things ! usually they’re nicer than a piece of paper, like a necklace or a bracelet - he really wants to give you a ring though 

-he likes giving you jewellery because he feels like it’ll make you think about him more (it does) which is exactly what he wants <3 doesn’t want you thinking about any other guys

- possessive? jealous? fuck yeah 

- he’s not likely to do much about it - even though he wants to beat the daylights out of any guy that tries to ask you on a date he won’t because he doesn’t want to scare you <3

- but he will come over and completely ruin any kind of conversation you were having and be like “let’s go home 👹” 

- he just makes up a bunch of nasty shit about them and gets you to believe all of it n then he’s like “yeah, he’s nothing but trouble, ‘s best if you stick with me, sweetheart <3″ 100% wants to keep you all to himself 

- he remembers the guy and makes a mental note to still beat his ass if he’s ever bored one day 

- he’s pretty straight forward about it and he has a pretty intense personality so he finds it hard to not show how he feels

- sometimes he literally doesn’t know how to act around you and he’ll be super loud and energetic, making sure he has your attention 

- he compliments you all the time - he will compliment you on anything and everything, from how beautiful you are, how nice you look in that shirt, how you did your makeup today, the way you write, how nice your voice is, anything 

- pretty touchy too - he likes to have an arm around your shoulder, he hugs you a lot, kisses your head

- won’t do anything you’re not happy with if course ! 

- he says you’re his a lot. like you could be having a cute little hug moment and he’ll go “you’re mine, you know that?” and then he acts like he never said anything 

- if you’re shorter than him he definitely bring it up a lot and calls you small n cute >:(

- do anything like that back to him, wether it’s a hug, a compliment, a kiss, he won’t know what to do with himself - he likes to think that if you do any of that to him he’ll be prepared and he’ll be super chill about it but no

- blushing and smiling like a lovesick idiot (he is one <3)

- once you gave him a kiss on the cheek and he couldn’t even look at you <3

- reject him and he’ll probably lose his mind idk - it’s fine if you don’t wanna date him i will 🫶

˗ˏˋ  RINDOU

- he doesn’t make any moves right away you make him nervous n shy <3

- he just admires you from afar but not for that long :0 - when he does eventually start to talk to you and stuff he’s nervous but you can’t really tell 

- he thinks you’re the most beautiful person he’s ever seen so he’s kinda like wtf do i do now 🧍‍♀️

- he’s good at maintaining his scary, tough looking faces (and then he goes home and wonders if he’s too intimidating and kicks himself for it)

- he has a little (big) soft spot for you 🫶 so it progressively gets harder for him to keep up his tough personality - once that starts happening people catch on so fast because they’re like no way??? he’s not bullying random people for once???

- his gaze softens a lot around you and he finds himself being able to relax in a different way with you compared to when he’s around his friends <3 he loves your company so so much

- at first he kinda tries to impress you with money though :/ it’s his go-to thing sometimes because everyone loves money right? - it’s not like he pulls it out his pocket and flashes it around but he tries to spend it on you

- he’ll buy you things and surprise you with them a lot and then acts like he wasn’t trying to be nice just in case you don’t like it 😭 - he’ll be like “i bought this for you, dunno why, though. don’t even like it that much.” 

- if you like it (you always do) he’s the happiest man on the planet <3 seeing you smile because of him makes his day and he’ll think about it for the rest of the week :(

- once he starts getting for comfortable with you and being able to open up more with you he just uses every excuse to touch you <3 you don’t know where you’re going? he’ll hold the back of your neck and guide you. you lean on him when you laugh? wraps his arm around you and keeps you there. 

- first time you hugged him he had a heart attack but he wouldn’t let go of you :(

- he likes to sleep a lot too so sometimes he puts his head on your shoulder or in your lap to see if you let him stay there and if you do he goes to sleep with a little smile on his face - if you try to move from under him he gets a little pout like >:( 

- he kind of lets you do anything you want to him <3 he lets you mess around with his hair, he’ll let you do his makeup, he’ll model your jewellery for you, he’ll listen to you talk about anything you want for hours on end 

- rindou loves for company so much n you make him so happy so he’s willing to put up with you doing whatever you want with him <3

- definition of ‘anything for you’

- likes comparing hand sizes a little too much… 

- he really wants you to like ran. he really does but it’s so hard for him to even get around to introducing you to him properly because rindou hates putting up with his constant teasing 

- and ran always threatens to tell you embarrassing stories about rindou and he doesn’t think he can deal with that - so he just has to tell you cool stories about ran and hope for the best 😭

- he loves it when you ask about his fights - he likes how he can make himself sound really cool and scary and you just sit and listen like :00

- ask him to show you his fighting methods and his up on his feet in .5 seconds - he will do anything to impress you this man is practically in love with you

- play fights with you as a result of that and as a way of flirting - he just teases you and calls you weak but then lets you win eventually 

- he thinks about you 24/7 so when he gets from from meeting up with you he messages you right away - it’s usually something like “today was really fun!”, “you looked really pretty today btw :)”

- he tells you about his feelings over text :0 he doesn’t make a big deal out of it he just goes “i really like you btw” and then throws his phone onto the other side of the bed and acts like he never sent it 

˗ˏˋ RAN

- a tease. a bully. 

- it’s always been his go to and always will be with you because he knows it’s what he does best

- he will take any opportunity to make fun of you and will eat up every single reaction you give him - you get shy? good, he likes that one. you get mad? cool, it’s hot. you get upset? thats cute.

- if you get mad or upset he’ll just take it further and go “aww i’m sorry, angel, c’mere and i’ll kiss it better, yeah?” asshole :/

- he silently kicks himself when he upsets you as a result of it though and makes a mental note to be a little nicer to you the next time he sees you (only for that one day though)

- if you’re shorter than him (most people are, he’s literally huge), even if it’s just by a little, he runs a marathon with it

- he’ll come up really close behind you and get things off shelves n shit

- “you probably couldn’t reach that could you, hm?” you could.

- also compares hand sizes but more to show you how much bigger than you he is so he can find something else to make fun of you for and go all like ‘aww look at you :(’

- shoves you about a lot too - he likes it when he does it a little too hard and you nearly stumble over so he can catch you and tell you to stop being so clumsy

- he genuinely doesn’t mean to hurt you but if he does he will give you an actual apology and giggle about it 

- “i’m sorry, sweets, don’t know my own strength do i?” 

- he doesn’t pick on you and make fun of you out of malice though, if it was he wouldn’t have a crush on you - he finds it the easiest way to express how he feels and joking around just comes naturally to him 

- eventually he stops being so much of an asshole to you (not completely obviously <3) and he becomes more genuine and you see a nicer side of him 

- instead he just starts making jokes about other people to try and make you laugh

- ran looks at you like you hung the moon and stars. he really does like you a lot :(

- he likes to have you close to him so he hugs you a lot - he likes to feel like he’s protecting you all the time 

- he stands very close to you too, wether that’s behind you or next to you - he likes to make sure you always know he’s always there so you don’t forget to give him attention but he also likes to have you by his side

- uses his tattoo to his advantage - he’ll sit with his hand up his shirt so it rides up and you can see it on his lower stomach and if he catches you staring he’ll ask if you wanna touch it or something 

- loves to get you to wear his clothes - he thinks you look so cute and if you wear them out he smiles like an idiot 

- if anyone else thinks they’re gonna be able to look in your direction they’re very wrong. you’re literally his at this point he doesn’t see the point in theme even trying

- he won’t do it in front of you but he will definitely scare off anyone who tries to make a move on you, he’s even told some people he’s your boyfriend already (that was an accident but he doesn’t really care)

- surprisingly, if you reject him he takes it like a champ

- he’s genuinely really sad but he’s not gonna bother wasting time trying to win you over when you’ve already said no once before

- might have to go and vent to rindou for a few hours though

reblogs appreciated <3

[zoobus]

Posted without commentary:

On Sept. 17, 2021, my long-distance girlfriend, Lauren, paid a surprise visit to me while a friend filmed my reaction. Three days later, she set the 19-second clip to a hokey Ellie Goulding song and posted it to roughly 200 TikTok followers. The first commenters—Lauren’s close friends—had positive things to say. But soon strangers—among whom the video was less well received—began commenting, criticizing my reaction time or my being seated on a couch next to friends who happened to be of the opposite sex. “Girl he ain’t loyal.” “Red flag! He didn’t get up off the couch and jump up and down in excitement.” “Bro if my man was on a couch full of girls IM WALKING BACK OUT THE DOOR.”

As comments accusing me of infidelity rolled in, the video quickly became the topic of fierce online debate, à la “The Dress.” I, an ordinary college sophomore, became TikTok’s latest meme: Couch Guy. TikTok users made parody videos, American Eagle advertised a no-effort Couch Guy Halloween costume, and Rolling Stone, E! Online, The Daily Show, and The View all covered the phenomenon. On TikTok, Lauren’s video and the hashtag #CouchGuy, respectively, have received more than 64 million and 1 billion views.

While the Couch Guy meme was lighthearted on its surface, it turned menacing as TikTok users obsessively invaded the lives of Lauren, our friends, and me—people with no previous desire for internet fame, let alone infamy. Would-be sleuths conducted what Trevor Noah jokingly called “the most intense forensic investigation since the Kennedy assassination.” During my tenure as Couch Guy, I was the subject of frame-by-frame body language analyses, armchair diagnoses of psychopathy, comparisons to convicted murderers, and general discussions about my “bad vibes.”

At times, the investigation even transcended the digital world—for instance, when a resident in my apartment building posted a TikTok video, which accumulated 2.3 million views, of himself slipping a note under my door to request an interview. (I did not respond.) One viewer gleefully commented, “Even if this guy turned off his phone, he can’t escape the couch guy notifications,” a fact that the 37,600 users who liked it presumably celebrated too. Under another video, in which hall mates of mine promised to confront Couch Guy once they reached 1 million likes (they didn’t), a comment suggested that they “secretly see who’s coming and going from his place”—and received 17,800 approving likes. The New York Post reported on, and perhaps encouraged, such invasions of my privacy. In an article about the “frenzy … frantically trying to determine the identity” of the “mystery man” behind the meme, the Post asked, “Will the real ‘couch guy’ please stand up?” Meanwhile, as internet sleuths took to public online forums to sniff out my name, birthdate, and place of residence, the threat of doxxing loomed over my head.

Exacerbating these invasions of my privacy was the tabloid-style media coverage that I received. Take, for example, one online magazine article that solicited insights from a “body language expert” who concluded that my accusers “might be onto something,” since the “angle of [my] knees signals disinterest” and my “hands hint that [I’m] defensive.” This tabloid body language analysis—something typically reserved for Kardashians, the British royal family, and other A-listers—made me, a private citizen who had previously enjoyed his minimal internet presence, an unwilling recipient of the celebrity treatment.

Mercifully, my memedom has died down—interest in the Google search term “Couch Guy” peaked on Oct. 5—and I have come to tolerate looks of vague recognition and occasional selfie requests from strangers in public. And my digital scarlet letter has not carried much weight offline, given that Lauren and the other co-stars of the now-infamous video know my true character. Therefore, my anxiety rests only in the prospect that the invasive TikTok sleuthing I experienced was not an isolated instance, but rather—as tech writer Ryan Broderick has suggested—the latest manifestation of a large-scale sleuthing culture.

The sleuthing trend sweeping TikTok ramped up following the disappearance of the late Gabby Petito. As armchair TikTok sleuths flexed their investigative muscles, the app’s algorithm boosted content theorizing about what happened to Petito. Madison Kircher of Slate’s ICYMI podcast noted how her “For You page just decided I simply needed to see” TikTok users’ Gabby Petito videos “over and over again.” It appears that a similar phenomenon occurred with my lower-stakes virality, as I found myself scrolling through countless tweets bemoaning the inescapability of “Couch Guy TikTok.” One user despairingly reported seeing “five tik toks back to back on my [For You page] about couch guy.” (I assure you, though, that nobody despised Couch Guy’s omnipresence more than myself.)

The most recent target of the app’s emerging investigative spirit was Sabrina Prater, a 34-year-old contractor and trans woman, who went viral in November after posting a video of herself dancing in a basement midrenovation. The video’s virality began with parody videos, but quickly veered into the realm of conspiracy theory due to (you guessed it) the video’s apparent “bad vibes”—at which point I got a dreadful sense of déjà vu. As Prater’s video climbed to 22 million views and internet sleuths came together to form a r/WhosSabrinaPrater community on Reddit, Prater faced baseless murder accusations, transphobic comparisons to Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs, and overzealous vigilantes who threatened to go to her neighborhood to investigate further. This incident reveals the harmful potential of TikTok sleuthing. One expert aptly summed up the Prater saga to Rolling Stone: “It was like watching true crime, internet sleuthing, conspiracy theories, and transphobia collide in a car crash.”

Given the apparent tendency of the TikTok algorithm to present viral spectacles to a user base increasingly hungry for content to analyze forensically, there will inevitably be more Couch Guys or Praters in the future. When they appear on your For You page, I implore you to remember that they are people, not mysteries for you to solve. As users focused their collective magnifying glass on Lauren, my friends, and me—comparing their sleuthing to “watching a soap opera and knowing who the bad guy is”—it felt like the entertainment value of the meme began to overshadow our humanity. Stirred to make a TikTok of my own to quell the increasing hate, I posted a video reminding the sleuths that “not everything is true crime”—which commenters resoundingly deemed “gaslighting.” Lauren’s videos requesting that the armchair investigation stop were similarly dismissed as more evidence of my success as a manipulator, and my friends’ entreaties to respect our privacy, too, fell on deaf ears.

Certainly, noncelebrities have long unwillingly become public figures, and digital pile-ons have existed in some form since the dawn of the digital age—just ask Monica Lewinsky. But on TikTok, algorithmic feedback loops and the nature of the For You page make it easier than ever for regular people to be thrust against their wishes into the limelight. And the extent of our collective power is less obvious online, where pile-ons are delivered, as journalist Jon Ronson put it, “like remotely administered drone strikes.” On the receiving end of the barrage, however, as one finds their reputation challenged, body language hyperanalyzed, and privacy invaded, the severity of our collective power is made much too clear.

[the-faultofdaedalus]

I had a dream that the king and the queen of a small country had a daughter. They needed a son, a first-born son, so in secret, without telling anyone of their child’s gender, they travelled to the nearby woods that were rumoured to house a witch.

They made a deal with that witch. They wanted a son, and they got one. A son, one made out of clay and wood, flexible enough to grow but sturdy enough to withstand its destined path, enchanted to look like a human child. The witch asked for only one thing, and that was for their daughter.

They left the girl readily.

The witch raised her as her own, and called her Thyme. The princess grew up unknowing of her heritage, grew up calling the witch Mama, and the witch did her very best to earn that title.

She was taught magic, and how to forage in the woods, how to build sturdy wooden structures and how to make the most delicious stews. The girl had a good life, and the witch was pleased.

The girl grew into a woman, and learned more and more powerful magics, grew stronger from hauling wood and stones and animals to cook, grew smarter as the witch taught her more.

She learned to deal with the people in the villages nearby, learned how to brew remedies and medicines and how to treat illness and injury, and learned how to tell when someone was lying. 

Every time the pair went into town, the people would remark at just how similar Thyme was to her mother. 

(Thyme does not know who and what she is. She does not know that she was born a princess, that she was sold. She only knows that one night after her mother read her a story about princesses and dragons, her mother had asked her if she ever wanted to be a princess.)

((Thyme only knows that she very quickly answered no. She likes being a witch, thank you very much, she likes the power that comes with it and the way that she can look at things and know their true nature.))

The witch starts preparing the ritual early, starts collecting the necessities in the winter so they can be ready by the fall equinox. Her daughter helps, and does not ask what this is for, just knows that it is important.

The witch looks at Thyme, both their hands raised into the air over a complicated array of plants, tended carefully to grow into a circle, and says, sorry.

Thyme wakes up in a clearing she recognizes well. Her mother is not there. 

The house she had grown up in is a pile of logs on the ground, destroyed and broken and in disarray, and Thyme is afraid. She calls for her mother, once, twice, and then rolls up her sleeves and begins the trek towards town. 

Her home is not here, she has neither her bow nor her knife, and if she means to figure out what happened she needs supplies. People are always in need of a witch, she knows, and her mother taught her long ago the value of a silver tongue. 

Except.

She walks out of the woods, and the town is... different. Smaller. The mill she knew so fondly, that she used to climb in with the other children of the village, isn’t there. 

There’s no indication it was ever there, and all at once, Thyme realizes what the ritual was for. 

It was a time-spell, and now she is in the past. The house is in ruins because her mother has not repaired it yet, the mill is gone because it has not been built yet. 

She is here, because...

She does not know. 

And now, it is up to her to take care of herself.

She learns the date from the villagers, gets herself a room at the inn and a good hot meal in exchange for looking at the innkeeper’s son, who has been wracked with cough for weeks now, apparently. 

His face is one Thyme knows, one that in her days were covered in wrinkles and laugh-lines, and as she goes back out into the woods to collect the herbs she needs to cure the boy, she thinks.

The boy will take the inn over from his father, and he will always welcome Thyme’s mother in with open arms for saving him when he was a child. Either the story had been wrong, or Thyme has already broken things. 

Thyme does not know which one she fears more.

She waits in the village for a full turn of the moon for her mother to come. She knows that this is when she should have come in to town. She knows that she should show up here, any day. 

The boy’s cough gets better and when it’s gone completely Thyme buys herself a knife at the blacksmith’s and returns to the woods, to the clearing she calls home. Hands on her hips, she surveys the once-cottage, and makes a plan. 

The house takes a long time to build. She buys an axe, makes a bow, and sleeps under the stars while the house is very slowly built back up. Walls, roof, floors, and then a fireplace, big and wide enough to fit a cauldron, built from special bluestone she hauls from a nearby hill one lump at a time, all the better to brew inside. 

Mama, she thinks wryly, you better be grateful for this. 

She hunts for herself, mostly, snares rabbits and shoots down deer, strips them of their skin, treats it and leaves the fur out to dry. They’ll be good blankets, a good winter cloak, someday. She knows what plants she can eat, what plants will be good, and she survives. She builds. 

She does not tell the villagers her name, and they know her only as “the witch.” 

Thyme eventually stops waiting for her mother. She watches herself in the mirror, and aches at how much they look the same. How much she’s turning out like her mother. 

She helps the villagers, occasionally travels further to heal illnesses in other villages, but mostly stays to herself, in the woods, collecting books and herbs and the house grows more and more as she remembers it. Her hair, that used to be so dark, raven’s hair, her mother would say, braiding it back for her before she learned to do it herself, gets shot through with white and goes grey. 

There’s wrinkles on her face that didn’t used to be there. 

Thyme stops waiting, and becomes the witch of the these woods.

And then. 

The King and Queen of these lands show up at her door, and they are holding a baby girl. 

Please, they say, We need a son. Give us a son. 

And Thyme, who now has a scar on her cheek from a branch whipping at her too fast to avoid, who knows that her mother had had the same scar, looks at the baby, meets her eyes, and knows that they are her eyes. 

I’ll give you a son, Thyme tells them, as if through a trance, but the cost will be your daughter.

They agree, as she knew they would, and she makes a boy out of clay and wood and she remembers learning how to make constructs like these with her mother, she breaths life into it and sends it off with the King and Queen and she holds their baby in her arms. 

Black hair. Dark eyes. A quiet baby, who looks up at her with a solemness that Thyme’s not entirely sure babies are supposed to have. 

Hello, little one, Thyme says, holds out her finger for the baby to grasp, feels her voice crack down the centre like a burnt-out log when the infant holds her finger in her chubby little hand. 

She’s a princess. This baby is a princess, and this baby is her, and her mother has never existed. She knows all these things now, but the thing that she knows most strongly is that she will protect this child, and not only because this child is her. 

(It is alright to be selfish, Thyme, she remembers her mother telling her, it is alright to take things for yourself. You do not need to give yourself away, remember that.)

She has to build a crib and cradle for the baby, and until it’s finished, until she knows that the birchwood and blanket is as comfortable as it can be, she sleeps with the baby -- with Thyme, her name will be Thyme, and she smiles as she thinks it -- on her chest. 

She goes into the village, walking through the woods as baby Thyme looks at the trees and the plants with wide eyes, brings her to a farmer who has raised three girls, knocks at her door, and says, help me. 

The witch doesn’t know how to care for a child, and she is going to learn. She must learn. 

The farmer helps her gladly, something in her eyes that tells the witch that she misses having children, that however much she loves her girls, grown and adventurous, sun-browned and strong from working the fields with her mother, she misses caring for an infant. 

She learns how to make formula out of goat’s milk, how to burp the baby, how to change and wash her. She learns how to tell why the baby might be crying -- even though baby Thyme rarely cries, prefers to watch the world with her big, dark eyes -- and how to fix what might be wrong. 

She sits with the farmer as Thyme plays with a doll carved from a cow’s bone, and learns how to thresh wheat. 

The farmer never asks where the baby came from, but does remark how alike they look, that Thyme looks just like her mother, and the witch smiles at that. 

Thyme seems to grow quickly, learning to crawl, and then to toddle around while hanging off the furniture, and the witch cries at Thyme’s first, unsteady and unsupported steps, even as she builds high shelves into the rafters of her home so that Thyme won’t end up eating things she shouldn’t.

The witch takes Thyme into the village more and more, first in a bag tucked up close against her chest, and when Thyme grows more, holding her hand as she runs through the woods as fast as her little legs will carry her. Every time Thyme runs off to bring back a flower, the witch feels a surge of fondness she refuses to suppress. 

The mill is built, and the witch watches as Thyme runs off to play with the other village kids, brave and fearless and so, so curious. 

She teaches Thyme her first charm when the girl is eight, and Thyme takes to the craft like she takes to memorizing the names and uses of plants, like she takes to a bow and knife, like she takes to books, exactly as the witch knew she would. 

Sometimes, the witch hates the lie she’s made Thyme into. She agonizes over it, over she should tell the girl her true parentage, should spill this secret like a cut bag of wheat, but--

She does not want Thyme to know that she was traded away so easily. She does not want Thyme to know that to her birth parents, she was worthless. 

She asks, though. Asks, do you want to be like the girls in the books? a princess? and is warmed to the core when Thyme answers no. 

Yes, the witch had known what she had answered. Yes, the witch knows that Thyme loves her life, her studies, the woods, her home. 

(Yes, the witch knows that Thyme loves her mother, because the witch loved her mother. She knows this, and still, she asks.)

The witch teaches Thyme how to make constructs, how to animate them, is proud beyond words when on her fifth try, casting over a wood skeleton covered in clay, the shape of a rabbit, the thing shivers to life, and hops over to push it’s nose into Thyme’s outstreached hands, the girl beaming so brightly that the witch thinks the woods might be glowing with it. The rabbit-construct is lumpy, and uneven, it’s movements slow and unnatural, and she has not yet taught Thyme how to cast the illusion spell onto it that will make it look real, and alive, but Thyme looks so happy that the witch nearly, nearly, forgets her guilt at the purpose of this spell.

Thyme grows, first into a teen, skinny and narrow from how she had shot taller like a willow tree, bony and sharp and lean, and into a woman, growing broad from good food and hard work, takes to hiking into the woods for days at a time with only her knife and her bow and a pouch of herbs, returns home with wild hair the witch combs out for her as Thyme tells her of her adventures.

It matters not that the witch knows all of these stories, knows them because she lived them herself, when she was a girl. She listens to her daughter, dragging the comb through her tangled hair, asks about the falls she found, the cliffs, the animals, the herbs, makes sure that Thyme knows that she will be listened to, that she deserves to be listened to. She listens, because she knows that no matter how much Thyme loves going on these adventures, she also loves coming home, and sharing in these simple, cozy moments.

Winter comes. With the cold comes a grief, a guilt, that weighs heavy on the witch’s heart. She begins preparing for the ritual, for the time-spell that will send her daughter backwards and into loneliness and into the position to save herself from what her true parents would force her to become, backwards to learn the truth, backwards to become her.

She knows why she must do this. She has scryed on her construct, the prince, the soon-to-be-king, every moon since she sent him away and took herself in his place. She sees what he has grown into, she sees what the power has done to him, she sees and she knows that she and her daughter would have suffered greatly in that role. She sees him make hard choices.

She sees him go to war.

She sees the illusion she cast over branch and clay bleed. She sees him, bandages around his torso, arm hanging awkwardly by his side, leave the castle, and wade into the lake outside of it’s walls. She sees the clay in the lakebed melt towards him, heal the wounds, make him fit to wield a sword the very next day.

She does not want that. She does not want that for her daughter.

It is alright to be selfish, Thyme, she remembers her mother saying to her, remembers saying to her Thyme, bleeding for others is a gift. It is valued, but it is up to you to give it.

Spring comes. Reedy plants are tended into a circle. Summer comes. Fires are burned over the dirt, ash mixed with soil. Fall comes. The heart of a boar is buried under the circle, placed to rest with gentle words. The witch and her daughter, Thyme and Thyme, stand together, hands raised, looking at each other.

The witch whispers, I’m sorry.

And her daughter disappears.