#he wants me to suffer he hates me im angry and horrified (i love it)

[junkissed]

that anons post abt jun’s hands are SO REALLLL i will literally never shut up abt jun’s hands like his are so perfect i go feral so quick i‘m not even gonna mention his arms or his veins or i will def need to be checked into a ward i‘m SOOOOO ugh 😩

SHUT THE FUCK UP HJSKDFSNDKLMFS OH M YG OD

[norman-fucking-reedus]

GUYS Im sorry requests are taking so long I suffer from not being able to focus on one thing at a time syndrome and I’ve been going back and fourth between three fics trying to see which one is gonna be the lucky one and get finished first

In order to keep all you little babes in my phone happy and fed here’s my brainrot of virgin Daryl who just so eager to fuck you he can’t get out his clothes :3

ALSO 100 OF YOU HOTTIES FOLLOW ME SO CONSIDER THIS A THANK YOU GIFT UNTIL I CAN CRAWL DOWN YOUR CHIMNEY AND KISS YOU

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

The Dixon brothers were interesting to say the least.

Merle, the oldest of the two, was a certified asshole. He had easily made himself the most hated among everyone, making inappropriate and sometimes racist jokes at ever turn he got, getting defensive when someone actually got offended. He’d just yell in their face that they needed to toughen up before storming off.

Everyone did their best to steer clear of him, only ever talking to him whenever he was assigned to go on runs, even then he would still find a way to make someone uncomfortable.

Daryl, the younger brother, was beyond tolerable. Although Merle believed that both him and his brother were disliked, the group secretly favored Daryl, you especially.

While he did have his fair share of aggressive outbursts, unlike his brother, he’d hang his head in shame afterwards, mumbling out a short but genuine apology. On the one occasion he had snapped at Lori, bringing her to tears due to pregnancy hormones, you remember the horrified expression that washed over his face as she jogged away, tears rushing down her face. Merle only added fuel to the fire by laughing about how no woman wanted Daryl, the way he laughed about it made you sick.

You felt like you could see right through Daryl, underneath all the rough defense walls he had built, rested a soft and damaged heart. He had so much love to give but none to receive, which is why you were currently being groped and grinded against, Daryl breathing heavily as he sucked at your exposed skin.

He felt so dizzy against your warm and inviting body, curious hands grabbing and squeezing your flesh. Even though he tried to make it seem like he knew exactly what he was doing, he become a complete stuttering mess as soon as you took your shirt off, seductively grabbing your boobs before stuffing his face down inbetween them, a hard moan pulling itself from his throat as his entire body shook, cock throbbing as he blissfully came in his pants. “Fuck, m’sorry, m’real sorry-“ You brought a finger to his lips before placing a kiss to them, smirking slightly as he eagerly kissed back, mouth moving against yours sloppily.

There was so much happening at once as you moved to lay on the floor of the tent. Daryl’s whole body was stimulated, and he was craving more. “Wanna fuck ya- Please, let me fuck ya mommy, want ya ta be m’first time” His blue eyes were low and glassy, lips glossy with spit as he stared at you, humping your leg. You wiggled your pants down, getting them to your knees before Daryl ducked his head down between your legs, trapping himself as your pants rested at the base of his neck. His hand fumbled nervously with his belt and pants, whining as he shoved his underwear down, cock springing out.

You couldn’t help but stare at how fucked out he already looked, hovering above you on all four and begging to fuck you, begging for you to take his virginity. His cock was roughly 8 inches, thick pubes at the base and deliciously angry red tip. You pulled him closer to you by the front of his tattered shirt, whispering into his ear. “Gonna split me open on your cock? Come on, just push it in- fuck! Just like that. Good boy” His breathing had picked up, pupils so wide there wasn’t even any blue in them. The feeling of you wrapped around him was a sensation that was pulsating through his whole body, hips immediately thrusting in and out with no particular rhythm. His cock was still sensitive from his first orgasm, and each time that his engorged tip bumped your insides it sent sparks to his gut. He tucked his red face in your throat, kissing, licking, and marking the skin.

Daryl thought his heart would pound right out his chest as your fingers ran through his hair and pulled his face back, eyes locking onto yours. “You’re making me feel so incredible, handsome. Wanna cum inside me?” Daryl turned all the more red at the name and question, feverishly nodding his head as his hips increased their sloppy pace, only needing a few more thrusts before his face was back at your throat, tears welding up as he choked out his pleasured moans and whimpers, hips erraticly moving as he came, accidentally slipping out and cumming on your swollen cunt, more of him already starting to leak out.

He panted heavily against you as you stroked his hair, kissing his forehead as he slowly came down from his high.

Once he completely came down, panic had set in. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! M’sorry I-I’ll get somethin’ ta clean ya up with” He lifted your legs off his shoulders, looking around the tent for something. He snatched up the nearest shirt, makin sure it wasn’t yours before gingerly wiping his mess off you, helping you to put your pants back on and he looked around once again, handing you your shirt when he found it.

You shuffled close to his face, latching onto his neck as you stuffed him back inside his underwear, pulling away once his pants were redone. “I hope mommy made your first time memorable” You giggled and shuffled out the tent, leaving a flustered Daryl inside as the events continued to replay in his mind. Based on the hickies you had left on his neck, he was sure that he’d get to feel you again real soon.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★

[imfeelingprettylow]

So what if, instead of Adam telling Satan off, God shows up? Humor me for a second I probably am going to suck at this

The ground shook and Adam stood facing this massive beast, who was supposed to be his father. But he wasn't because

"Dads don't just show up after 11 years." As he had said. And it was looking like this very scary thing was going to pass. But Satan wasn't budging.

"So my son abandons me. And all that stand between me and the world is a couple of children, a former hellhound, a witch, two witchfinders, a whore, and two rebellious lovers. Seems God has chosen her champions. A pity. " as he was speaking he transformed, his massive self becoming smaller as he turned from horrifying into a vague humanoid shape. A pair of massive wings, much bigger than any angels, sprouted from human shoulders, and with a blink of the eye, a tall man stood before the lot. He was hard to focus on; immensely beautiful and terrifying to behold, with red eyes. Horrifying blood red eyes.

"So. I'm here. Standing before my son asking him to help me end this war once and for all. But where is your god? She sends you lot, with the hopes of what? You cannot save the world. She has abandoned you as she abandoned me." Satan's voice is heavenly and horrifying, a mixture of growling and celestial harmonies that has the hairs on Crowleys neck stand up. There is a flash of light and suddenly Gabriel is standing behind the group. Why God chose him to speak for her he will never know. He is absolutely terrified, as he walks forward to stand beside Adam

"The lord has spoken to me." Gabriel says, visibly shaking. There is a beat is silence. Satan raises one delicate eyebrow

"And?" He asks. Gabriel swallows the pump in his throat.

"She says to go back to the hole from whence you came." Even crowley, in his fit of terror had to smirk at that. Satan chuckles, his smile agonizing to behold

"And why does she not come to tell me herself? Ah, I know" Satan raises his face to the sky, eyes burning, massive wings opening "Because she isn't THERE "

In the next second two things happen. One, beezlebub appears beside their lord to inform him that hell is as it should be. Beezlebub fortunately appears beside Gabriel because they are afraid to approach their master from behind.

The second thing that happens is, God appears. One would expect a flash of light. And of course there is. But this light is so bright that aziraphale, in absolute terror, must unfurl his wings and moving with the speed of the angel he is, must gather Crowley and Adam to him, to protect them from God's wrath. Because God is pissed.

She appears, not as a human, but as a singular ball of floating light, smaller than a human head, burning with the rage of 6000 years. Aziraphales wings protect his demon and the boy from the full force of her might, and he manages to turn to face her. Beside him, Gabriel has done a miraculous and traitorous thing. In a pure act of kindness, without thinking, he has stepped in front of the Lord beezlebub to protect them from God's wrath. Beezlebub blinks at the feathery wall before them, surprised but unafraid. Aziraphale glances behind to see a singed, but very much alive crowley, covering Adam with his body, yellow eyes shut in terror. God hovers before satan, burning with rage and malice. All of this has happened within the span of two seconds.

"Hello Lucifer " God's voice is, well ineffable. Cannot be described. Crowley and beezlebub both cower in fear, hands over their ears in pain. Satan smirks, pleased with himself

"Hello mother." God's light hurts even the angels eyes. She glows brighter, annoyed

"You must go back into the hole, lucy." The old nickname makes Satan pause and suddenly both Gabriel and aziraphale notice pain; Satan's rage is as strong as God's and their wings become slightly singed. Crowleys head pops up as he recognizes that smell.

"All I ever wanted, mother, was to be loved." Crowley is looking back and forth between Satan and his angels wings. Beezlebub is now standing. Both demons know what they must do

"But you lOVED THEM MORE" the roar is accompanied by hellfire and Crowley launches himself in front of aziraphale, midnight wings open. Beezlebub has become a hoard of flies, and swirls around Gabriel protectivley. Both demons take the full force of the hellfire, as God simply casts it aside. Satan's great roar causes Gabriel to cry out in pain. And God pauses. She does not react to her son's temper tanrtrum. She dims. Crowley had begun to smoke in her presence, beezlebub literally dropping like flies. And God notices this, and pauses.

"My son. I wish not to fight. Neither of us can win this battle. So instead of arguing needlessly I am simply going to make you notice something." She turns to face the lot. Crowley is the one front and center. His love for aziraphale is all consuming as he stares at the Lord. He is not afraid, despite the pain he is in.

"Yes I've seen your champions mother. They are unimpressive." Satan's words cut deep and Gabriel cries out again. Aziraphale is trying to stand, but Adam pulls him down to keep him safe.

"My champions? Odd. I didn't choose any of them" God says. Satan scowls

"You choose evrything. You have had this plan since the beginning of time." He argues

"Well yes, I had hoped things would go this way. But I play with cards Lucy. Sometimes my design is less perfect and more..."

"Innefable." Crowley says, his face full of pain. God dims a bit, and moves closer.

"I think I've been quietly watching things from the sidelines too long. Of course I will continue to do so, for the humans sake. But for my angelic and demonic children, I think I let things go too far... You all are so ready to destroy what I so love." God seemed uoset, which is to say that her light went a little blue. Satan fumed

"Ah yes, the bloody humans. Those frail creatures you love more than your own children" Satan spat.

"Of course. I may have underestimated my children however." God said. "It seems to me that angels and demons are not so... binary in good and evil. It seems that given enough time and energy, they can be almost....human" God smiled at Crowley and he flinched. Aziraphale looked up and over one midnight wing at his lord, and slowly came around, despite Crowley and Adams concern.

"Oh, you mean these traitorous fools? I will not suffer them to live." In an instant there were flames engulfing them all.

Aziraphale thought he was dead. He hurt all over. His eyes were shut and he felt...peace. love. So much love. He opened his eyes to see a sky full of midnight wings.

Crowley wailed and grew to a height unimaginable, casting himself fully into the smiting flames of his master. And this act alone is what made him survive. Pure love. The flames hit him, with all the fury of hell, and he absorbed them, snarling, yellow eyes wide

"You will NOT take him from me!"

The flames engulfed him, and then they were beaten back by his wings, right into Satan himself.

Satan stumbled back, shaken but otherwise unharmed. The flames died down and Crowley lowered his wings, the air around him shimmering with heat.

"You will NOT take him from me." Crowley said again.

*authors note* if I screwed anything up please be kind but informative I didn't proof read this at all lol

UPDATE EVERYONE

Satan stood there dumbfounded for a singular second before his angelic face began to contort in rage. before satan could unleash his full fury on Crowley, however, God stepped between them.

“enough lucifer.” she said, and this time, crowley did not cringe. Aziraphale and Adam peeked out from behind him, and Beelzebub was themself again, standing beside gabriel. God cancelled out the pain around her, and faced off with her rebellious son 

“you are not seeing what you are meant to see. nor are you trying to understand. you are ignoring the reason this all had to happen. you are disappointing me lucy. again.” God was not angry, but she had begun to turn a rather peculiar shade of purple, that Gabriel recognized as disappointment and sorrow. And Satan recognized it too. He looked at crowley behind God, looked at Beelzebub beside Gabriel, looked at his own rebellious son, at the human children around them, and then finally his bloody gaze was upon his Mother. Satan glared, but behind his false anger was a sorrow and pain indescribable. 

“I just want to be loved.” he snarled. Crowley, in all his anger, could at least understand that. Aziraphale, behind him, felt that too and reached fro Crowleys hand, their fingers intertwining. God dimmed.

“you are, my dear boy. I love all my creations, even those that rebel against me. I have always loved you. Even this boy you spawned to destroy my humans, I love him as well. My love does not dwindle, nor does it become overruled by rage.” Adam, in surprise, looked at god and then at Satan. and then he walked right out and stood beside god , her light not harming him in the least.

“you shouldnt hate her so much.” adam said. satan regarded his son with suspicion. 

“your powers are great my boy, but not even you could change the reality of his heart.” Aziraphale said. “his hatred has darkened the love that used to be there.” God dimmed again, becoming more blue than purple

“I think youre wrong.” adam said “I think you havent given him a chance. I think, he let himself get upset and he wasnt thinking straight, and he hurt his friends and now, he doesnt know how to fix it.” adam was speaking from personal experience, and his friends smiled 

satan frowned at the boy 

“so what do you propose we do? we are mortal enemies.” he said, frustration showing. Adam turned to look at crowley and aziraphale, standing hand in hand 

“so were they. all it took for them was...well im not sure. i only just met them. but im sure if you ask them they can tell you.” all eyes turned on the pair, and defiantly they refused to let go of each other, though aziraphale was looking rather scarlet, from the singing hellfire or pure embarrassment, he would never tell. Crowley, tire iron still in hand, looked at his angel and pondered for a moment

“it took a second for me to love aziraphale. on the wall. when he showed his loyalty for humanity and disregard for the rules. it took 6000 years for me to admit that, just now.” Aziraphale looked at his demon in shock and then swallowed nervously 

“well I...I guess it was the books. I mean, I suppose I’d always been...fond of Crowley, I loved his company. I can always indulge and be...me. and then he saved my books for me and I guess I’ve been denying my love for him until...well a few minutes ago. But yes. We were mortal enemies, perhaps for a moment on the wall. But we have always been friends...and then some.” Crowley squeezed Aziraphales hand and smirked. Adam turned back to his satanic father 

“I bet you could learn to do that.” the boy said. Satan, however stood unconvinced 

“what? take a ball of light, the Almighty out to fish and chips? with humans? “ he scoffed. Gods light was now a pure amber color, a color of love and humor 

“I can take many forms, Lucy.” Was all she said. 

“Wait Wait Wait!” Gabriel said, striding forward, Beelzebub following quickly behind “disregarding all of that, I want to know how this is all supposed to play out. we are supposed to have a war! is that not happening?” God turned to her archangel, who promptly took a step back and swallowed in fear 

“there will be no war, my child. I will speak to the angels myself.”

“but you havent done that in...”

“too long, Gabriel. I have been absent for too long. Things are going to change in heaven. as for hell...” God turned to her satanic son, and his angelic face was full of conflict “I am always here for you, my dearest boy. Whenever you need me, ask. I have lots of work to do” God turned then to Crowley, Aziraphale and Adam

“you have all done so well, my children. I am so very proud.” and with that, she vanished, like fog vanishes on a windy day, and they were left there with satan, who was looking rather befuddled. 

“So the war is off, if my son still refuses to destroy humanity.” he looked down at adam, who looked almost bored

“I quite like humanity, thanks. feel free to stop by the wood sometime, if you ever want to play with Dog.” Satan stood straighter, and looked at Crowley

“and you? where do your allegiances lie now? with the angels?” 

“my allegiances have always been with Aziraphale.” the demon said very plainly. Aziraphale squeezed his hand tighter 

“fine. Lord Beelzebub?”

“I...” they looked at Gabriel “I am not sure, master. I think we have more troubling things at hand. the troops need some...alignment.” 

“well, let us go then. I see no more reason to stay. good riddance and all that.” Satan vanished by melting into the ground. Beelzebub spared Gabriel a glance before doing the same 

Gabriel let out the air he had been holding and glared at Aziraphale 

“I have to go. You and I are going to talk more about this after I...figure out what side im on.” his face fell in confusion before he dissipated as well. 

and so then there were three children, the former antichrist, two witchfinders, a witch, a whore, a former hellhound, and two ethereal beings. 

“so...now what?” Madam Tracy said “Ive seen god today. I dont think I can just go back to my flat.” 

“Well I for one have had enough occult presence today, thanks. Can we go home now ?” Pepper said. Adam smiled

“yeah I think im gonna go home. my dads here.” and sure enough, Adams human father was getting out of his car. Crowley, in a moment of exhaustion, wavered a bit, and Aziraphale caught him

“are you alright my dear?” he asked in concern. Crowley smiled, eyes shut in pure bliss 

“yes, angel, I am perfectly...tickety boo.”

*authors note* thanks for all the support!

[zhuhongs]

Here’s my long ass review of TGCF that literally no one asked for it i have opinions and I have no one to tell them too so i must write them out and post them. (also part of this is abt the mdzs novel bc i can’t not compare them and I have a lot of thoughts abt that too)

This is very very long so it’s going under a read more. Spoilers ahead!!

Okay so first off this book was a fucking behemoth i can’t believe i read all of that (minus the extras) in under a week.. what the fuck. I definetly got reading fatigue halfway thru book 3.

I’m gonna separate my thoughts into sections bc i  have a few points that don’t all relate

firstly, overall writing and organization:

I said it earlier but tgcf is a lot more structurally sound than mdzs imo. My biggest criticism of the MDZS novel (minus the bad sex scenes, homophobia, and general I hate mxtxness of it) was the way the flashbacks were presented. 

Like OH MY GOD they were presented so badly. I hated that the flashback was told intermittently and only when one of the characters invoked the past. For example, when WWX meets Jiang Cheng and a second time, Jin Ling distracts JC to release “Mo Xuanyu” bc he saved his life in the Nie Ancestral hall earlier. WWX then proceeds to be the self sacrificing dude he is and take away Jin Ling’s curse and put it on himself. When he escapes and returns to LWJ, LWJ offers to carry him.

 If you watched CQL, you know exactly what LWJ is referring to when he says smth to the effect of “You once offered to carry me too, remember.” HOWEVER in the novel you don’t know what he’s talking about. This is because the flashback wasn’t been revealed to you yet. The next chapter goes to tell the flashback. I think that this takes away all of the emotional depth away from the scene. But in CQL, having the flashback already be known, you make the connection on your own and are like “awww wangji remembers that.. even 16 years later.“ Its a lot sweeter bc you know what the two have gone thru. At this point in the MDZS novel its barely the 30th chapter or so and you have no real idea what wangxian have been thru together or what reasons wangji has for loving wwx. You just think, well obviously they like each other bc this is a danmei novel and they are the two leads, ofc they have to like each other. But in cql, you learn through watching them that they’re in love. It’s not just like”well they have to be!! its a bl!!”

Okay that was a rlly long side tangent but it makes me so angry. So what did any of that have to do with TGCF?? well tgcf doesn’t have this issue. In fact, i believe that it gains a lot from having the flashback withheld from the reader. 

I really liked how the flashbacks were contained to books 2 and 4 respectively because it adds a layer of mystery. Hua Cheng is a very secretive man so it makes sense for us to not know everything about him upfront. The way that the author teases and hints little things at you make you want to know more, making it all the more satisfying when the truth is revealed. Because in a way you Know that Hua Cheng meets Xie Lian before and you know that he’s the child XL saved during the God Pleasing Ceremony but you don’t know all the details. Like obviously since Hua Cheng is a ghost you know that he’s died and it was likely for Xie Lian or Xian le’s sake but you probably never expected that he actually died twice. Once on the battle field and second when he took the human face disease. I think the difference between these flashbacks and the flashbacks in MDZS result from the length. In TGCF you get two long concise flashbacks that make sense to be placed where they are. Book 2 because you already have a feel and hint at what the characters have been through and book 4 because the White No Face appears again so then you learn how he and Xie Lian met before. It wouldn’t make sense to place book 2 any earlier bc there is no emotional impact. And it doesn’t make sense to place book 4 earlier because you don’t know what the white no face’s deal is so it’d be confusing. In MDZS, you get numerous short flashbacks happening alongside the main story and it makes it hard to piece together the timeline in a way that feels satisfying. Ik a lot of ppl grill cql for having a confusing intro episode and having a rlly long flashback but its much better than the mdzs novel. However the mdzs donghua handles the flashback in the most concise way imo.

Overall i think the way the story is structured is very good and is a step up from mdzs. Also the horror aspects of tgcf are rlly enjoyable and honestly i think mxtx should just write short horror stories at this point. like enough long ass novels chock full of fetishization. just write some fun horror with no romance and call it a day.. pls

Side Characters:

okay so straight up, i think the side characters arent used as well as they were in mdzs bc mxtx wanted to focus on hualian and didn’t want to give the side characters as much focus. This is a weaker point of the novel.

I’ll get into it more below but i think hua cheng was done dirty as a character by having him rlly only care abt xie lian. Since he doesn;t have any real relationships with others outside of xie lian this takes away from having more depth in the side characters. They’re really only related as far as xie lian’s relationship with them. Though thankfully xie lian gets rather close with a few officials and the ones we get to see more of are rlly interesting. I especially loved the reconciliation of mu qing, feng xin, and xie lian at the end of book 5. honestly their relationship was one my favorites and i’m glad they finally said what they had to say to each other after 800 fucking years. Also Shi Qingxuan is a delight. we stan sqx in this house.

The characters i wish we had seen more of were yushi huang (although she didnt rlly want to be there, good for her), Quan Yizhen and Yin Yu. I very much wish yizhen and yin yus story happened earlier on and we had more time with them. It felt strange to have their subplot occur towards the end and it was sort of out of place but i liked them a lot!! i wish there was more to it. and that there was a reconcilation but mxtx hates happy shidi’s doesnt she, (glares at novel jc). Also man yin yu did NOT have to die like that i’m sad.

Also, honestly.. i don’t think qi rong added to the story whatsoever and i have no clue why he and guzi were there. qi rong just pissed me off the whole time and added literally nothing.

going back to yushi huang, i’d like to say for the millionth time that i hate how mxtx uses any of her female characters. like we get it.. u hate women being useful... im still pressed but what i want to say has been said many times before so ill leave it at that.

Hualian:

I really really did like hualian at the end. They had a truly epic love story and it was so beautiful, especially when hua cheng repeated his words as wuming to xie lian as he started to disappear. But, I said it once and i’ll say it again. I don’t think Hualian is a super healthy relationship. As fiction its fine (i firmly believe fiction impacts reality but let me finish), i guess bc literally nothing about their situation can be replicated irl and none of it ended up containing manipulation or abuse or anything bad but there was a potential for it to and i’m really glad it didnt go that route.

Hualian is a highly idealized and romanticized relationship full of some truly troubling feelings of self worth. While its “beautiful” in a way that hc really was xls most devoted believer, it wasnt healthy for him to live for xl like this. Nor was it healthy for xl to feel so unworthy of hua chengs love.  

Hua Cheng’s devotion to Xie Lian is a little too extreme and it bothers me. When the truth was revealed abt the Temple of 10,000 Gods I had the same reaction as Mu Qing and Feng Xin. I was like... HEY WHAT THE FUCKK that’s a little uh... thats NOT HEALTHY,, dianxia PLEASE say smth. But ofc Xie Lian didn’t say fucking anything and and i was so pissed. Like the whole thing of Hua Cheng living his life solely for XIe Lian is really kinda fucked up and not romantic. I was holding out hope that at some point XIe Lian would sit him down and be like “Hey! I love you and i’m really grateful that all these years you’ve still believed in me when no one else did. But you can’t just live your life for my sake. You deserve love from many other other people and deserve to have a life and happiness outside of me. I still want to spend the rest of my life with you, but you need to not only think of me.” or something to that effect

It bothers me that after Xie Lian learns the truth he doesn’t once reassure Hua Cheng that he didn’t have to make Xie Lian his reason for existence. Like.. idk i just think that’s rlly kinda unhealthy. Like I understand why Hua Cheng is so deeply devoted to Xie Lian-- he saved his life twice and was the only one to ever show him kindness and he’s seen xie lian suffer a fate worse than death multiple times. I get that he wants to protect him and make his life easier, but to not let anyone else into his life and spend 800 years looking for xie lian is just overkill. Like if the whole 10k statues thing never happened i’d be 100 percent fine with hualin but the whole devotion to that extent... uhhh yea.. no that put a bad taste in my mouth. Obsession should not be romanticised. I don’t think any reader of tgcf is going out and deciding to live like hua cheng obviously but still.

Also Side note, the whole 100 swords scene.. bro i felt for hua cheng, the way he screamed seeing that, i don’t blame him. I was so horrified reading that chapter. i don’t think i’ve been so horrified by a piece of media like that in a while. Poor fucking xie lian.. oh my god. I understand the intense reaction he had and how seeing that prompted such a degree of loyalty but still.. 10k statues?? the cave that mu qing and feng xin saw... thats a little too much obssession... like please.. dial it back.. im begging u.

I was talking to mary (liviahyes) and she said smth abt how Hua Cheng doesn’t have a character outside of xie lian. And she’s right, he kinda doesn’t. If Xie Lian didn’t exist neither would Hua Cheng. I get that that counds kinda romantic but in practice i don’t think its a good things. Especially because Xie Lian has a story outside of Hua Cheng, hehas goals, he has friends, he has something. Hua Cheng said it-- his only dream is Xie Lian. Which is romantic but very very unbalanced. 

THAT BEING SAID, i still rly liked their relationship and i think theyre cute they just have issues they need to work through. I mean they have time but yea. It wasn’t perfect but eh. overall i’m bitter bc they couldve been THAT COUPLE but theyre so many bad implications as mentioned above and i.. smh. They still have amazing moments. Like the lantern scene, the alter scene, the “what matters is you, not the state of you”, the end when hua cheng helps release the shackles on xie lian, the scene where hua cheng disappears, the way xie lian waited for him, like they were so close to being THAT COUPLE but then mxtx and her fujo ass just had to make it uncomfortable like that. i’m so bitter. Like the reason why i wrote out all of this is bc this novel could’ve been great but so many little things added up and made the experience far more sour than it shouldve been.

MXTX did hua cheng SO DIRTY by not giving him a character much outside of loving xie lian and being good at everything. Like when I first learned abt how Hua Cheng beat 33 heavenly officials at what they excel in best i was like WHO IS THIS LEGEND but honestly.. he rlly doesn’t have any motivations outside of helping xie lian and I wish he had more to him . Like if we had more situations like the one where hua cheng dug out his own eye to save the group of mortals on mount tong’lu then he’d have been a much more well rounded character. Honestly, that’s rlly the only instance where he seems to have taken xie lians ideals to heart. I wish we had more of that bc that scene was so cool. i wish it hadn’t been revealled so late and there was more than one occasion where he defends others (minus xie lian ofc) without anything for himself to gain that.

To contrast hualian with wangxian, i think wangxian work so well bc at their core, they have the same life goals and same ideas about people and the world. Where in hualian, xie lian has core principles and morals and hua cheng is just like, anything for xie lian. SMH they couldve been great but overall i think hualian falls flat for me because of my own fear of dating someone who doesn’t have a life outside of dating me. Moreso, my parents had this sort of unbalanced relationship towards the end of their marriage and it ended very badly and yea, i just can’t whole heartedly love relationships that in any way resemble this, even if it ends differently. that’s a personal thing tho.

I don’t think Hua Cheng has ANY bad intentions towards Xie Lian or ever will. I don’t think he’s ever manipulated xl or tried to force him to love him. But again, it’s my own personal feelings that makes me feel kinda.. ehh conflicted abt hualian. There was potential but again.. fujoshis ruin everything... smh. Overall i think the way it ended redeemed the issues it had but still there were issues and i really wish xie lian like,, reassured hua cheng about living his life freely at some point but whatever. 

IN CONCLUSION

TGCF had the potential to be better than mdzs, it rlly did but it was bogged down by the authors own toxic mentalities abt love, and mlm relationships, and treating women like ppl and it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I enjoyed this book, truly i did (otherwise i wouldn’t have stuck through and read 750k words of it) but there are some flaws that cannot be glossed over. I hope that tgcf when it does get adapted, goes through the same miracle that cql did and makes the characters more like ppl and less like tropes but i doubt it. Also i highly doubt that a live action tgcf is feasible given the supernatural aspects of the series but we shall see. I’m excited for the donghua when it eventual comes out but i will continue to be critical of the novel bc..well.. you see why. idk if i’d reccommend this book tbh bc like yes i would, no i would... well.. </3. yea. overall, it sure was something that i enjoyed in spades. especially the last 5 chapters. I generally liked it but had many issues with it at the same time, but honestly, yea thats the standard fair for a mxtx novel. 

[creaturebloom]

just found out my niece has been cutting herself. it’s superficial, the cuts i mean. but she’s fourteen and god that’s when i started doing it.

my sister has asked my advice and i told her everything i possibly could for being so surprised. it’s just also bringing up a lot of stuff for me; issues i couldn’t resolve then, but can now. the core pain of things.

and it’s such a similar situation, too. it’s so similar and i hate that she has to go through this, and i want to do everything i possibly can to make sure she doesn’t suffer the same fate that i did.

she doesn’t want to go to counseling, she doesn’t want to talk to anyone, and neither did i. it’s a miracle that she talked to my sister about it, and that’s no small blessing. kai is really worried though, and she feels horrible, like she’s failed her child. i promised her that she hasn’t, that she didn’t, and told her that she needs to have a very honest conversation with lexi about what’s going on with her dad.

the worst part was just not knowing what was happening, and not knowing how to ask about it. when i was in that situation i just started to hate my father. i just thought he was an asshole. i just wanted him gone. i didn’t understand the pain i was in, or why he was causing it, why he couldn’t just be better.

it’s hard to rationalize all of that as a kid. it’s hard to understand that someone you love is mentally ill and there’s nothing you can really do about it. it’s hard to teach a child to just go with the ups and downs of things and not take it all personally. because at that age you do take it personally. at this age, my age, you still take some of it very personally.

im just at a loss. i feel terrible for my sister, for my niece, for my nephews. i even feel terrible for my brother-in-law, because i know he struggles. i know he’s doing the best he can, and sometimes the best is fucking terrible.

but it’s good, you know, that lexi finally told kai about it. it’s good that they spent the night crying on the bathroom floor together.

i told kai to just be honest about everything going on with matt. to both lexi and aiden, because if lexi is feeling this way then aiden surely is, too. even danny, and he really is just a kid, two years old.

it’s so hard to grow up in a household like that. the instability of it.

when kai asked me if i ever just got sad as a teenager, and what i would do, i told her that i was really, really depressed and i’d just lay in the dark a lot and talk to my online friends. then she asked if i’d ever self-mutilated, and for the first time in my life i told her i had. she and thane are the only people in my family that know.

she asked how often i did it, and i didn’t really have an answer. a lot. all the time. i still have so many scars.

but i gave her some fun tips and tricks, you know. the rubber band around the wrist. putting an ice-cube straight on the skin. ways to wean off of cutting.

she did it with scissors, kai said. and i told her to just be aware of things, because i used to do it with safety-pins. she asked if she should just hide all the sharp things and i said no. that that would only make lexi feel like kai doesn’t trust her.

but god it’s just so hard, isn’t it? it’s so hard to be that age and not know what’s going on with your father and hating him and feeling all of this pain that you can’t define. i remember all of that. i remember the crushing weight of it. i remember wanting to feel anything else, to numb it all out, to stop feeling at all.

i told kaili that it’s important that lexi does, eventually, go to counseling. it doesn’t have to be next month, but it is important for her to go. hell, i still need therapy, and i haven’t cut myself in nine years.

it’s just a lot to deal with. it’s just a lot to have all that pain and not understand any of it, or why it’s happening, or what to do about it.

but kai is taking her out on sunday for a girls day, and they’ll talk then. i told her that if lexi felt more comfortable texting or emailing me to go ahead and do that. i can’t say that im not terrified of having to have this conversation with my niece, because i am absolutely terrified of it.

what do i say to her? it gets better? it doesn’t, not really. you just learn to cope better. you just learn to stop taking it out on yourself, and find other ways to deal with all that pain.

what do i do now to deal with it? i’m not even sure. i get angry. i get sad. i go through the heartbreak if it all and then i just keep trying to move forward.

it’s so hard to define those feelings though, when you don’t understand them at all. you think you’re just sad, you’re just broken, but what’s really happened is that your father wasn’t there in the capacity that you needed him to be. what’s happened is that you are hurting because someone who is supposed to take care of you isn’t able to, and you don’t know why.

it’s so important for lexi to understand what’s going on with her dad. it’s so, so vitally important for that conversation to happen.

kai is terrified, horrified. of course she is. i’m not, because i understand it. i get why lexi is doing this, because it’s the same reasons i did it.

i wish i was more put together than i am. i wish i was more of a “see, things can work out alright” sort of example, but i’m really not. i still struggle, i still hurt, i still wish i had a father that could take care of me all the time and not the constant switch. god, i hate the switch of it.

but i know what’s going on now. i can cope with it now. i can heal from it now, and i am. i think i am. i have to be.

anyway this is just a lot of thoughts and im really fucked up about everything right now because man old wounds really still hurt when you’re reminded of them!!!

[dontlookatmeitwashim]

Bad Luck: Six

Chapter One    Chapter Two   Chapter Three   Chapter Four   Chapter Five

Yeah, Im getting tired of leaving author notes.... But enjoy. 

The ball had gone and past. Alya was the one to tell Marinette that she could still participate, but the designer surprising withdrew her submission: that was two days ago. Adrien didn’t even bother getting out of his bed for it or even school the next day.

He hadn’t even gone to see Marinette for the past four days, he was so riddled with guilt and shame that he couldn’t bring himself to go. He had Alya and Nino tell her that his father had reconsidered and is letting her still compete in the contest, but they did it reluctantly. They had begged him to come with them, saying that the designer would love to see him; but Adrien just couldn’t…

For the past two days, Adrien had ignored everyone and kept to himself; eating alone during lunch. He received texts Alya and Nino informing him how Marinette was doing, but he never replied and after the second day he just stopped checking them. He barely even slept, too guilt-ridden to sleep. When he was done with school? He just went straight home and buried his face in his pillow, wondering how he could let such a horrible thing happen to Marinette.

Because of him? She had to endure a whole two hours of pain while the doctors dug the glass out of her back; the drugs not kicking in until after they were done. Because of him? She would wake up in pain, tears forming in her eyes. She was in so much pain because of him and it made Adrien sick to his stomach just thinking about it.

“He looks so miserable…” Alya whispered as she and Nino stood to the side of the library and watched the blonde mope around. Everyone was getting very worried about Adrien, they were concerned that he was going to do something that would harm himself.

Nino sighed, turning away from the scene. He couldn’t stand to see his best friend looking like that and it hurt him, even more, to know that there wasn’t anything he could really do. “He blames himself for what happened to Marinette… that’s a heavy burden to carry around.”

“But, Marinette doesn’t blame him for what happened at all! She knows that it was because of Hawk Moth taking advantage of her dark feelings that she was akumatized!” She stomped her foot, looking like a child who was about to throw a tantrum.

“We know that. Marinette knows that, but I think Adrien has forgotten.” He finally turned around to look at the blonde, sighing once again as he did. He hated that his best friend was hurting like this and he always hated that Adrien had closed himself off from everyone else. Making up his mind, Nino took Alya by the hand and walked towards the blonde. “Come on, let’s do it like we practiced.”

Yes, the couple had practiced what they were going to say to Adrien. It was too delicate of a situation not to be absolutely sure about what you are going to say. They spent the whole day talking about and coming up with ideas about how to fix the blonde model. And when they finally settled on one? They searched the whole school until they found him here in the library.

Getting to the table, Nino threw his backpack in front of Adrien causing him to jump at the sound. The blonde looked and was surprised to see his best friend pulling out a chair next to him.  He was too surprised at the appearance of Nino that he didn’t notice Alya coming around to his other side.

“Dude, come on, you gotta stop blaming yourself.” Nino sat down next to him and placed a hand on his back. “Marinette doesn’t.”

Alya nudged shoulders with the blonde, smiling when he turned to look at her. She laughed at his shocked face and ruffled his hair. “She’s been asking for you by the way, every time someone who visits her? She immediately asks when you’re coming; you have to go see her.”

Adrien swatted the blogger’s hand away and sighed, not meeting either of their eyes. He could still see her horrified look as she realized that Chat Noir and Adrien Agreste were the one in the same, he could still hear her screams as the broken glass pierced her skin and he could still feel her blood on his hands. No, he couldn’t face her, not after all that. “I can’t… I just can’t okay?”

Nino and Alya shared a look that meant it was step two in their plant to ‘fix’ Adrien. The DJ leaned closer to his best friend so that no one else around could hear him as he said the next words, knowing full well that is would hurt Adrien deeply, but he knew it was a necessary evil. “Look, buddy, I don’t want to say this but… Aren’t you being a little selfish?”

“What?!” The blonde whipped around to look at Nino, his voice echoing in the library.

“What do you mean ‘what’? You’re not thinking about how Marinette is feeling right now or how your selfish behavior is affecting her!” He yelled back, standing up from his seat. This was the second time Adrien had witnessed Nino angry and it wasn’t a pleasant thing. “She’s worried about you, man! She knows that you're blaming yourself and it’s killing her!”

‘It’s killing her.’ Suddenly Adrien was reminded of how close he was to losing Marinette. His heart pounding in his chest, his lungs stopped working properly and his eyes became wide with panic. Nino immediately backed down when he saw how panicked his best friend became and reached his hand out to help calm him down, but the blonde shoved him away: a little too hard. Adrien accidentally shoved him into a chair.

Alya rushed over to the DJ who was hissing in pain, glaring at Adrien. “What’s your problem, Adrien?! It was just days ago that your head over heels for Marinette, now you're chickening out because of one little Akuma? Jeez, I don’t know what happened to you but honestly? I don’t care. Just go see her or so help me God, Agreste, I’ll make you suffer.”

They gathered their things and walked away, conversation over. Adrien stared after them, not knowing what to do. He looked down at bandaged his hand and groaned. Why had he shoved Nino away? Why was he being like this? All he wanted was to be with Marinette, but he was terrified to face her. He couldn’t help bit to laugh at himself. What a sad fate that was, scared of the thing he loved most. He would be heartbroken because of his own cowardliness, he would never know true happiness and he would never look at his love… what a pathetic existence.

“Adrien, please, I miss Marinette and only you can take me!” Tikki cried, her voice bringing him back to the real world. She was peeking out from his shirt, looking up with her big blue eyes.

He looked down at her for a moment, thinking about if he should go or not; but any intelligent thought dissipated when he watched a tear spill down Tikki’s small face. His heart broke at the sight: he was beaten. “I’ll drop you off but nothing else, okay?”

She nodded silently, going back to her hiding place with Plagg while Adrien grabbed his things and made his way out of the school. He walked all the way to the hospital, fueled by sheer guilt from Tikki. When he got into the hospital, he decided to take the stairs rather than the elevator because it meant more time before having to face Marinette. But as he came to her floor? He just stared at it.

Was he really prepared to be in the same room as Marinette? No, not at all. He was terrified in fact. He was so scared of what she might say to him… but with one look at the teary-eyed Tikki? He knew he had to see her for the sake of returning her Kwami and Miraculous at least.

There wasn’t anyone in the room but her. She was lying on her side, curled into a ball as she watched tv. Her hair was let out of their usual pigtails and remained wild. She had her blankets pulled up to her waist and she had pushed aside the tray of unfinished food. IVs and wires were connected to her and peeking through her patient gown were all the bandaged that covered up the multiple wounds.

Marinette still hadn’t noticed him standing in the doorway of her room, so he just stood there watching her. But Tikki was impatient to return to her friend and flew out of her hiding spot. “Marinette!”

“Tikki?” She finally looked over to the door, only see her kwami flying over to her and hugging her cheek. The red kwami was sobbing, telling her how much she missed her and how worried she was. “It’s okay, I’m okay. There isn’t anything to worry about now, we’re together now.”

The red kwami looked up at her miraculous holder and wiped away her tears. “Thanks to Adrien, he brought me!”

Marinette froze. Slowly, she turned around and saw him standing at the door with his head down. She knew all about how he had been closing himself off from everyone, Alya was sure to keep her informed about everything that was going at school, but she wasn’t expecting him to look so broken… he looked more broken than the day he gave her his umbrella.  

“Adrien, please look at me.”

He swallowed hard but did as he was told. Marinette had sat up and was now fully facing him, her hair framing her face in loose waves. She held out her hand as a silent command and merely waited for Adrien to take it before she started to speak. “This is not your fault and it will never be your fault, Adrien Agreste. There is no one to blame but Hawk Moth.”

“Marinette.” He looked on the verge of breaking as his free hand cupped Marinette’s face, lightly caressing her cheek.  Tears pooled in his eyes, his voice thick with emotion as he spoke. “I couldn’t be sorrier for what I did to you. I wish I could go back in time and never show my father your designs, then you would have won the competition instead of Juliet and you wouldn’t be in a hospital.”

“And in the end? I’m happy that you did.” This caught Adrien off by total surprise. Marinette laughed at his face, he was looking at her like she lost her mind, but she didn’t mind. Standing up from her hospital bed, the designer wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close. “If this hadn’t happened? I wouldn’t have found out that the guy I had been crushing on since he gave me his umbrella and my best friend were the same person. I love you, even more than before.”

Adrien was fully crying now. With just a few sentences, she was able to take the world off his shoulders and allow him to breathe again. He still felt that guilt, but he knew that will never truly go away. He held Marinette at her waist, careful not to touch any of her injuries and buried his head in the crook of her neck.

All he could think about was how much he loved Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Ever since finding out she and Ladybug were the same person, he couldn’t help but find humor in the fact that he fell in love with the same person twice. And now, he comes to find out that she is as big as fool as he is. Yes, Adrien had to be the luckiest guy in the world if he was able to have a girl like Marinette and Ladybug love him.

“I love you, Marinette.”

She chuckled, her fingers gently combing through his hair. She enjoyed holding and him holding her, but her back was starting to hurt from standing so much. “Adrien, can we lay down on my bed, please? My back is starting to hurt.”

“Yes!” Adrien pulled away instantly, not really hearing what she said and helped her to get back in the hospital bed. He awkwardly stood there as she laid on her side and looked up at him. He blushed as he climbed in beside her, their bodies only an inch or two apart from each other. It was just enough room so that they could look at each other’s eyes without being too close. “So, does this mean that we’re dating? Because I really want to date you, Marinette.”

Her cheeks turned red but smiled. “We did kind of confess to one another, I think it would only be natural.”

“Good,” He returned the smile.

It was a very sweet moment, a very sweet moment that was ruined by a cheese-loving kwami. “Does this mean I get more cheese or less cheese than usual?”

Rolling his eyes, Adrien looked over Marinette at his kwami who was certainly sharing a meal with his counterpart on the rolling tray. “Plagg, you glutton.”

“What? It’s a fair question!” He yelled back as Tikki laughed at his antics. It was obvious that this was Plagg just showing off because the red kwami was there.

Adrien would have yelled back at his kwami, but Marinette had grabbed him by his chin and forced him to look back at her. She smiled up at him sweetly, content with being with him. He put all the things that were still haunting him and pushed them to the back of his mind, he didn’t want to ruin the moment with Marinette and he wished that he could have done this earlier. No, that’s not quite right. He wished that he and Marinette had told each other that they were Ladybug and Chat Noir because none of this would have happened.

But life would be miserable if you keep thinking about what if or what could have been, so Adrien carefully held his girlfriend and closed his eyes; choosing to be happy with all that happened.

Like it? Tell me and give suggestions! Ignore the typos and all that fun stuff. I don’t really have enough time to properly edit this and the next person who critiques my writing I might explode. But  anyway, I hope you liked it.

[saintvintagearchived]

idk y im posting this here but

i’ve had the night from hell. i had said my partner walked out on me yesterday morning. like, he literally walked out the front door with a trash bag containing some of his stuff. he’s a bad alcoholic with so much trauma it’d break your heart. i was angry. i’ve been trying to get him to stop drinking, it’s killing him. he’s got mental illness like you couldn’t believe. i just want him to get better. he drank all night and i caught him that morning, tried to de-escalate by locking myself in the bedroom. told him point blank “i won’t talk to you now. don’t drink anymore. sober up. i’ll talk to you when i wake up” it was about 6-7 am. i don’t sleep well. he had been up all night drinking. he wouldn’t leave me alone. knocked and knocked on the door. i refused to open it. he did this for so long, eventually asked me to let him in to get some clothes. with toothbrush in his mouth, he said he was gonna go to his therapist. it was sunday. i told him. i was angry. i threatened him to get out. he wouldn’t. he kept acting exasperated that  i was upset and wanting him to leave me alone, like he hadn’t done anything. i couldn’t take it. i know i shouldn’t have, but i didn’t know what else to do. i grabbed his arm and pulled him hard to the door, then shoved him with all my might through. he had had enough then. called a good friend of ours to pick him up. friend was going to church, wouldn’t be there til the afternoon i figured. ugly fight in the kitchen. i went out back to cool off. eventually, after he told me he was gonna move out, i went and helped him get his things. i was fuming. i took our pictures down out of the bedroom, told him to take everything. i would be bagging it up anyway. he refused. after he had gone back downstairs with his stuff, i locked myself back in the bedroom. i thought he was going to wait to be picked up. i heard him go out the door, but i thought i heard a voice so i figured he left. no, he did leave, but he just took off walking down the road, down the busy roadway outside our neighborhood. i told my family this and they went out to look for him. wouldn’t tell me where he was. eventually i got him on the phone, telling him my family’s out looking for him, crying and telling him they were worried about him and they love him and he was so drunk he kept interrupting me telling me he was fine, like it was stupid for us all to worry. i heard our friend was with him, so i knew he was going over there now, that he was in a car and off the road on foot. 

i was a mess, understandably. i tried to go out and not think about it. i got through the day alright, but that night was when the real horror started. our other friend, who is 1 friend’s gf, calls me to check on me. apparently she had been over there with them for a while and she told me all the terrible things were going on. he had been drinking hard liquor all day. friend 1 said later that he had probably drank $300 worth of liquor. i eventually got a call from him, and he told me he was going to kill himself. i texted her (friend 2) to tell her to tell her bf (friend 1) to go check on him because he was by himself outside. F1 did, and he hung up on me when it happened. in between the time i hung up and the time i took a call with F2 trying to get more info on what happened that day and generally see what was going on, my partner had gone into the kitchen and tried to slit his wrists. F1 and his brother drew guns on him to make him stopp. idk but it worked. they called the police who called the EMT. he refused to go to the ER (naturally) so it was up to me to go get him. which, the state my partner was in, it would’ve been a disaster. he had been talking shit about me all day, talking like that whenever he was drinking over there, had made the plans to move out already the last time we were there. he had been hitting on any female around (mostly F2 & F1′s bro’s gf) just.... it was a mess. i got my mother, a nurse, and my teenage brother who is a big kid, to go with me. it was horrifying when i got there. he was so drunk it was shocking. i had never seen him like this before. he was trying to get naked (which i also found out from last time we all hung out, i HAD done) the cops weren’t very helpful (shocker) they had been called twice and were gonna leave again if F1′s bro hadn’t said he’d just call back and have them sent out. they were supposed to escort us to the hospital but just drove off. 

partner’s being belligerent, combative, but randomly would get calm. it took a long time, but F1 was able to coax him into the car. child lock on doors and windows. good thing. he tried to get out several times on the ride to the ER. it was going fine until about a couple minutes away he wigged out. it was a literal fight to keep him still. he tried punching the windows out, kicking them, eventually bashing his head into it (there’s blood on my from something and i hope it wasn’t that). he started clawing my brother, tried to knee him, pulled his hair, and i couldn’t help myself but hit him back, try to stop him, it was terrible. when he pulled up, it was three of us trying to subdue him. my mom ran in and asked for “hands” per instruction of F1 who’s in med, a skinny little nurse comes out with a wheelchair. it took me having to scream out help someone help get someone out here to have three men come out there and detain him. i think one of those men might’ve just been a patient or someone in the lobby. as soon as he was out of our grip, he calmed down. i went in with him and checked him in, and talked with everyone a long while about what happened. i’m trying to forgive the flirting and shit-talking because he was drinking. they said he broke his phone, his toothbrush, broke some of their stuff, was trying to fight F1 and his brother, hit on F1′s bro’s gf, did smth to F2 that was inappropriate. it was a nightmare. i called the hospital this morning, and all they could say was he was okay, he was asleep. 

we didn’t leave that hospital until about 4 AM. i feel like i’m in a soap opera. i feel drained. it was awful, seeing him so drunk he couldn’t even talk straight. he glared at me. he mocked me. the hatred he had for me then was terrifying. i’m no saint. our relationship is far from perfect. but i didn’t think he had that much hatred for me in his heart. i think i’m a hypocrite for saying that, because i’ve said nasty things to him that i shouldn’t have. i feel partially responsible. i feel like i’ve failed him somehow. everyone kept telling me to stop apologizing and i wasn’t to blame, but that doesn’t feel true to me. i hate what happened. i hate that i couldn’t help him myself. i hate that i’ve been so mean to him in the past. i know, in essence, this anger and hatred isn’t for me, it’s for the abuse he suffered, but it’s still a painful thing to experience. i’m not mad at him, i’m so pitifully drained and tired and sorrowful i don’t even know who i am. 

now i’m just waiting for him to wake up and call me. i hope he does. part of me is afraid he won’t even want to talk or have me visit. he’s going to have to go in-patient somewhere. i’ve been trying for about 4 years to get a handle on this, to stop the drinking, get him to therapy, research ways to help him. i should’ve been kinder. i shouldn’t have let my anger explode out of me like that.  i’m ashamed to learn of what i did last time we were over there on his bday. what a disaster set of friends we are. i’ve got to learn how to make the both of us healthy. i’ve got to figure out how to get us as independent, healthy-minded people. i’ve got to help him get to where he can fortify himself and heal. i’ve talked myself blue in the face about how his past still haunts him and how he lives in this agony everyday and how he HAS TO process his troubles before he can move on. there’s been such little effort on his part. he blamed me for trying to stop him from drinking, at least that’s what they said he was saying about me. i nagged him. i just am gonna need a distraction and support and i don’t even know what i’m going to say when he calls. i won’t tell him what happened yet. i know for a fact he won’t remember it, and he’ll wake up in the hospital not even knowing how he got there. this is just so sick to me. but i have to help him. if i don’t, no one else will be able to. i’m just so grateful for our friends and my family helping out. if it wasn’t for them, i have no idea what would’ve happened. it wouldn’t been horrible, though. 

[ifdragonscouldtalk]

What happens when reioka and I talk

reioka: For real?! Tony's tiny, not person sized?! ifdragonscouldtalk: No XD hes person sized in the fic But it would make it funny Imagine bruce trying to find a needle small enough to get a blood sample reioka: I mean... ask a bird vet probably ifdragonscouldtalk: Tony hanging off Steve's pinky finger by his tail reioka: The idea is very adorable, if impracticle ifdragonscouldtalk: Bucky has a cat. The cat likes little tony. Tony does NOT LIKE the cat reioka: Awww. Wait like like "dinner" or like like "person!" ifdragonscouldtalk: We dont know. Tony screams when Cat gets within 3 feet. Steve keeps Cat out of the room now. reioka: Aw poor kitty lol Poor Tony "It's big! It's get sharps everywhere! EVERYTHING IS SHARP!" ifdragonscouldtalk: Bruce puts a filter in the tank. Tony doesnt like the filter. It swirls the water around and blows him away. Tony launches a war with the filter. Bruce is Not Happy. reioka: Smol Tony building tools with the rocks at the bottom of the tank, sacrificing one of his pieces of seaweed to tie them all together to fling into the filter and cause it to jam ifdragonscouldtalk: Hes smug af cuz he clearly Won until he sees Bruce's face o h s h i t reioka: Lmao does he even understand WHY he needs a filter Does he want to swim in his own excrement ifdragonscouldtalk: He lived in the ocean before reioka All he knows is before the waters were still and now they are Not He probably doesnt notice XD reioka: Lmao the waters were never still you water horse you were just too far down to notice

ifdragonscouldtalk: But ok tony getting so excited he flails around in the water and winds up tangled in seaweed He does Not Appreciate pepper taking a picture reioka: "Pepper I am suffering. This is abuse. I'm going to die here." "You are not going to die you dumb seahorse I won't let you." "*choking sound*" "...Are you crying--" Tony ducks further into the seaweed and mumbles no ifdragonscouldtalk: Bucky and steve storming in from opposite doors shouting whO MADE HIM CRY WHY "I'm not crying!" reioka: Lmao just the idea of them trying to threaten Pepper tho Like... what a death wish ifdragonscouldtalk: Im sobbing imagine some intern giving tony little barbie tools and shit and he gets so frustrated because "I know these are fake! They're plastic!" reioka: He lets go and they float to the top of the tank and he is at the bottom just glaring up at them like... "You've all betrayed me. I know they're plastic and I hate you." ifdragonscouldtalk: Im a g ine someone buying Real Seahorses and putting them in the tank and tony is so territorial and ends up actually just wrestling a bunch of them reioka: I just snorted water out my nose omg "MY tank. MINE. GET OUT." ifdragonscouldtalk: And the actual seahorses are just so curious about this Strange Seahorse They think hes just trying to bump bellies until he grabs ones snout and then theyre Angery reioka: OH NO What does an angry seahorse do [ifdragonscouldtalk sends a screenshot of seahorses fighting with their tails] ifdragonscouldtalk: Seahorses punch Tony with their tails. Tony wails. Theyre meanies. reioka: Wtf Tony you've got actual fists HIT 'EM BACK ALSO A TAIL What a whiny baby I love him ifdragonscouldtalk: Tony eventually emerges victorious They find them the next morning with the others cowering in the corner and the water very slightly pink Bruce is Not Happy reioka: Just name the entire series Bruce is Not Happy because that will probably always be his reaction to everything. ifdragonscouldtalk: Series starts Bucky -- hey yo stevie look at this weird fuckin fish i found Steve -- screams reioka: *snort* Everyone debates on whether or not he's technically a fish and he's just sitting there like "I'm a seahorse" but are you a FISH? "A seahorse." ifdragonscouldtalk: "What is your species" "Awesome" reioka: "What do you call yourselves?" "Our names? I'm Tony, in case you've forgotten." "No, I mean, as a group?" "A family? *gasp* Do you guys not have families, is that why you don't know?" An intern is crying in the background from the effort it takes not to laugh because Tony looks honestly distraught that they've never heard of a family. ifdragonscouldtalk: Oh my g od Good reioka: Finally "Tony. Tony. Are you a fish?" "I'm a seahorse." "Seahorses are fish." "Then I gotta be a fish." Bruce screams in frustration in the background. They've been at this for hours. God damn it. ifdragonscouldtalk: Shoulda just googled it Tony compliments Bruce's singing because he's a gentleman But secretly wtf sort of singing is that reioka: LMAO if the real seahorses are still in the tank, just whispering to them "Did you hear that? Do they draw mates with that? Horrifying." ifdragonscouldtalk: The seahorses just look at him Bruce screams again reioka: Bonus if Betty is there for some reason and comes to see what happened and Tony gasps. "It worked!" ifdragonscouldtalk: Im crYING Whenever pep walks in the room now tony screams reioka: Bonus points: Pepper knows why and one time she screams back and Tony ducks back under the water, covering his blushing face. God I wish I could draw Just seahorse Tony covering his face and Pepper laughing good-naturedly in the background ifdragonscouldtalk: Bucky and Steve spend the whole day trying to figure out why tony keeps blushing and why hes making a "mating hut" reioka: HAHAHA I wonder if Pepper feels bad for "leading him on" because come on, they don't--even have compatible parts, not even talking about the size difference ifdragonscouldtalk: Tony scoffs and says he knows and he was only joking and then literally just turns around and starts crying. Shes still standing there. TONY. reioka: TONY THE ENTIRE TANK IS SEE-THROUGH Aw now I feel really bad for him haha ifdragonscouldtalk: He'll be fiiiiiiine, natasha challenges pep to a fight on his behalf The fight pretty much entails nat biting and kicking peps hand with her tail, but w/e tony loves it reioka: "I will protect Tony's honor," Natasha tells everyone and then BITE BITE BITE Pepper pretends it hurts more than it does tbh Natasha beating the shit out of Pepper's hand Pepper wrapping it in bandages longer than strictly necessary because every time Natasha sees it she puffs up proudly and Tony looks pleased ifdragonscouldtalk: Tony still kisses all the band aids tho Cuz hes a whiny sweetheart reioka: Aw Natasha grudgingly tells Pepper she was a worthy opponent and Pepper glows for hours. ifdragonscouldtalk: Tony starts screaming at steve ans bucky instead reioka: One time when the humans go out for drinks Pepper gets sloppy drunk and cries and the others are like "What's wrong" and she's just like "God I just love these stupid fish so much" YEEE Are they smart enough to scream back or do they just get nervous because they think they've done something wrong ifdragonscouldtalk: Oh my God pep I bet bucky screams back just for the heck of it and steve shrieks cuz hes startled but tones takes it for a scream. Tony glows "I got /two/ human mates nat" She screams at hill just because she likes a challenge and human women are Cute reioka: Natasha is daunted but if they hurt Tony she's gonna fight 'em anyway lol Lmao does Hill scream back OH Hill doesn't scream back but Natasha's just like "aw yisssss motha fuckin challenge" Tony supports Natasha's endeavors even when he thinks she's out of her mind ifdragonscouldtalk: Tony is a Good Bro Tonys new mating house tho Its glorious Nat helps him with it Bruces like "what are you doing" and tonys like "showing off for my mates" "Who?" "Bucky and Steve. They didn't say?" Bruce is Not Happy reioka: It's a good thing Bruce doesn't have Hulk powers because I assume literally everything we've said so far would make him turn into the jolly green giant. ifdragonscouldtalk: "You guys cant fuck the seahorse. It is physically impossible to fuck the seahorse." Steve actually chokes ifdragonscouldtalk: Real question: is clint a seahorse or a human Because i can see him accidentally almost killing Tony and Nat on a weekly basis and them loving it but i can also see him convincing Tony to do stupid shit with him like rock their tank off the table Bruce comes in and screams so loudly and tony looks at clint and goes "wow he really loves you" reioka: On one hand: "You wanna try coffee?" *pours coffee directly into tank. Everyone hates him. Tony and Natasha have not stopped vibrating for hours. They could have died. "MORE COFFEE! MORE COFFEE!" they chant, banging on the glass. Everyone HATES him. On the other hand: "That box they brought in looks interesting do you think you can throw me at it." Tony puts his engineering cap on and Bruce walks in just in time to watch Clint fly out of the tank, screaming, and lands on a pizza box with a splat. ifdragonscouldtalk: Im vibrating desperately as i try not to laugh Clint: puts an entire bar of chocolate in the tank, its gone in two hours, Tony and Nat are simultaneously in immense pain and doing theur best to tear the tank apart Or Clint: challenges natasha to a fight and sends everyone running when he screams because "SHE WAS GONNA RIP MY TAIL OFF" reioka: Lmao beautiful "She wouldn't have ripped your tail off," Tony tells him soothingly as Natasha gives Tony her best wtf face and mouths "yeah I would." ifdragonscouldtalk: Either way bruce screams and tony thinks theyre mates. reioka: Tony, whispering: Bruce must really like you, he screams an awful lot. Clint, thoughtful: ...We could make it work. Natasha: I dunno he screams at a lot of people? Maybe he's not monogamous. Bruce: *notices all three of them staring intensely and is somewhat uncomfortable* ifdragonscouldtalk: Tony: maybe he's what the humans call a player! Clint and Nat: *gasp* Bruce: why tf are they glaring at me what are they planning now ifdragonscouldtalk: Imagine someone trying to explain to them that screaming =/= mating reioka: Tony: It worked for me??? In both cases??? Pepper's just not ready for children but I am and I understand that. Pepper: *spews coffee* Tony: But Bucky and Steve like me! :D Natasha: *smug* Maria likes me. *everyone turns to look at Hill* Hill: ...I have paperwork to do. ifdragonscouldtalk: Bucky and Steve nearly have a heart attack when bruce askes when they were planning to tell him about the children reioka: Steve: Tony, we... can't have children. Tony: D: you... you don't want children with me? Bucky: That's not it! We, uh... we're physically incapable of. Conceiving. With you. Tony: ...WELL. You can't help that you're barren. Steve and Bucky: *bug-eyed* Tony: Maybe I could talk to Natasha. The fry wouldn't be your biologically but it's the love that matters. Bruce finds Steve and Bucky crying later and he doesn't want to ask but he does anyway. "It's the love that matters," Steve sobs, and Bucky adds, "That's so beautiful, holy shit." ifdragonscouldtalk: Oh my g od If they did have children only one ends up having a normal name because bucky and steve are never quick enough to imprint on the fry reioka: Lmao LOL THE PREGNANCY Steve: So how many kids are we lookin' at, Bruce? Bruce: At least two dozen. Bucky: *faints* Bruce: Probably more. Steve: ...Can I afford that many children Bruce: GET OUT OF MY LAB. ifdragonscouldtalk: OH MY VGOD Pepper buys another bigger tank Clint and Nat start hissing at anyone who tries to touch tones except his mates reioka: Aw, little tiny ultrasound on Tony's belly! Bruce endures Clint and Natasha's biting with aplomb. ifdragonscouldtalk: Steve and Bucky both pass out minutes into the labor and continue to pass out every time they wake up till its over By the time they wake up the last time theyre already named - dummy, you, cutie, friday, toast, stan Nat names one Hill and Hill is her Best Niece reioka: Lmao "Why Toast" "Why not Toast? Do you not like it? Well it's too late her name is Toast." ifdragonscouldtalk: Steve and Bucky are crying. The seahorses think it's joy. Pep and Bruce are just patting their shoulders. Pepper thinks they shouldve seen it coming Clint names one Hawk just to piss ppl off reioka: Lmao Tony introducing all the fry to Steve and Bucky, "Children, these are your fathers. Steve, Bucky, this is" long list of names. They're never going to remember them all, they're terrible parents. Eventually Tony orders his children to tell them who they're speaking to because when they misbehave he wants to yell at the right one. "That's fair," the fry agree, and then start doing it for everyone except Pepper and Hill. reioka: Pepper: Isn't it... kinda cruel? Natasha: I heard a seahorse gave birth to fifty kids once. Some of them drift away because they're idiots that won't listen. One time my mom called me every name but mine. ifdragonscouldtalk: Imagine how much Trouble clint gets them into reioka: Clint: Do you think with all these seahorses we could tip the tank Tony: Do not tip the tank. Clint: I bet we could. Natasha: Do NOT Fry: *cheerfully* TIP THE TANK! TIP THE TANK! Tony: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEE CATCH THE TAAAAAAAAAAANK ifdragonscouldtalk: Tony and Natasha actually screeching Bucky and Steve catch the tank but tony is sobbing and panicking because his cHILDREN ARE GOING TO DIE LIKE IDIOTS reioka: Steve: *angry* DON'T DO THAT TO YOUR MOTHER. Bucky: Steve, you shouldn't yell at the kids. CLINT YOU LITTLE SHIT. Tony: *sobbing, gathering the fry to him frantically* Fry: *feel terrible* ifdragonscouldtalk: Imagine them all going to the beach and all of them are hanging off Buckys hair and Steve is makin sure none of them drift away Tony is actually screeching in joy because a c t u a l s a n d Toast would prefer to be near Steve so she hangs on to his drawstring of his swimsuit Nat teaches Hill how to train and ride hermit crabs reioka: Tony: *cries* Look at my beautiful family. Bucky: Aw, doll. :) You don't have to-- Tony: MY FAMILY KICKS EVERY OTHER FAMILY'S ASS. Bucky: ...Doll. Steve: *laughs, chokes on sea water* ifdragonscouldtalk: Clint.... Challenges a blue crab,, to a fight Bruce has to save him reioka: Okay so hear me out -- Bruce and Betty are together but Clint just kind of gets inserted into their relationship because "I'm pretty sure he's lowkey trying to die" Bruce says and then Betty has a baby and Clint was like "Holy shit this thing is huge. I love her. She's mine now." Betty's amused. Bruce just sighs. ifdragonscouldtalk: G O O D Clint trying to get the baby to challege a crab to a fight reioka: Baby sitting on it and crushing it with her diaper. Clint: ...That works. Bruce: Stop trying to get our child to fight everything bigger than you, Clint! Clint: *starts crying* Bruce: Oh God what did I do Betty: *snorting, trying to get the crab to let go of the baby's diaper* You called her 'our' baby and he's included in the 'our' and he's happy you idiot. Bruce: Oh ifdragonscouldtalk: Natasha rides past on a hermit crab and clint starts blabbering to her and shes just like yeah? Can YOUR kid race hermit crabs Clint looks at Bruce and Betty. Bruce: No, our kid cannot- Betty: if you can find one big enough Bruce: BeTTY reioka: Betty: Oh my God Bruce he's never going to find a crab big enough. Bruce: I don't believe that. I believe he could find one. He regularly gets himself thrown out of the tank to steal my pizza. Betty: He's so tiny how much could he eat? Bruce: *stony silence* Betty: D: ifdragonscouldtalk: Ok but Bucky with seahorses just hanging onto his hair. Theyre everywhere. He looks like a seahorse tree. reioka: Pepper takes lots of pictures. Bucky loves them. He'd thought about cutting his hair at one point but now that he has become the seahorse tree he vows to only have it trimmed. ifdragonscouldtalk: A horseshoe crab scares one of the kids and Tony's just like im gONNA FITE IT and Steve is like nO reioka: Tony manages to knock it upside down but it's so distressed by it that he gets Steve to turn it back over and it scuttles away in the opposite direction ifdragonscouldtalk: Ok but also Clint and Tony and Natasha forcing pep to help them set up a 'human date' for Nat and Hill because yes reioka: Clint and Tony vibrating when they see Hill coming back with Natasha, ready to interrogate her on whether the date went well, but then Hill leans down and presses a kiss to Natasha's cheek (Well, her entire side of her head, but they intention is still there) and they squeal and then slap at each other to shut up because NATASHA IS BLUSHING OH MY KRILL ifdragonscouldtalk: G O O D Natasha is smug like "She's definitely my mate. She just hasn't done the ritual yet." Hill going to Coulson like "a fish is courting me" reioka: Coulson: Stranger things have happened. Hill: Not to ME ifdragonscouldtalk: Wwheezesx justin hammer,,, stealing them reioka: NOOOOO Can you imagine Tony, Natasha, and Clint trying to protect all the fry Trying so hard, but they all get taken anyway, and they know they couldn't really do anything against a human but they feel like they SHOULD HAVE ifdragonscouldtalk: Can you imagine,, tony breaking down,,, and justin trying to get them to breed. Cuz m e r m a i ds. And tony just telling him that if he touched the kids his mates would kill him reioka: Justin would probably curse himself for missing two seahorses But NAY TWO SUPER SOLDIERS ifdragonscouldtalk: ScReech can u imagine justin putting a little glowy tracking device in tonys chest reioka: Honestly I'm just imagining them all being so scared that their tails clutch at each other until they're just a big ball of trembling, teary seahorses WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT I love it ifdragonscouldtalk: When they finally do come it's actually Maria who gets there first and she scoops up hill and nat and holds them desperately Just nuzzling them Bruce finds clint actually sobbing Steve and bucky beat justin mostly dead reioka: GOOD He deserves it ifdragonscouldtalk: Tony clings to steves fingers and cries while bucky gets the kids reioka: Steve presses desperate kisses all over Tony's body but his lips glance over whether the tracker is and Tony wails in pain and Steve is horrified because oh God what did Hammer DO Bruce physically stops Steve from walking over and crushing Hammer's skull under his boot because he needs to know everything Hammer did

[iwroteahing-blog]

I like to write things.

I have wanted to make films since I was a kid, before I was fat and had to worry about things like taxes and crap. Make films, write books, write comics or even music, I just wanted to create and tell stories and someday I hope to make money that way. Unfortunately, that is not the case now, other than a couple of short films screened at film festivals I haven't managed to get my work out there but despite my inability to get people to see my work, I am still rather prolific, I am writing almost everyday, often something different each day and all that time has effort has usually come to nothing. A text file forgotten on a hard rive for years or a forgotten manuscript, handwritten in a notepad at the back of a cupboard. I want to change that, today I had an idea.  I want to share my work, so thats what Im going to do. Maybe not whole feature length scripts, who has time for that? But a scene I am proud of, a Chapter of a novel that I hate but I still enjoyed writing, maybe even something I find super cringe that I don't quite remember writing. On this blog I am going to do that. If you decide to read it, I welcome comments, mocking and advice, those that don't, I hope you find something to entertain you elsewhere! So, to kick things off, I have an extract from a scene from a play I wrote about 4/5 years ago now. Based on Alice in Wonderland, a twisted take set in a hospital. It wasn't particularly original, I was straight out of university and was asked by a good friend to work on it. They directed it and I wrote it with them bouncing ideas around with me. The scene is from half way through the play and is all about Alice’s fear of being forgotten if she dies: SCENE SEVEN Alice wakes with a start, she is still sat in her wheelchair in the middle of the hospital garden but now everything is different, darker. Silhouettes of trees twist around her like crooked fingers, the bird song has distorted, it is deeper sounding like a long low growl.Alice stands up from her wheelchair and as she does, pale hands snatch it away into the darkness, causing her to jump. ALICE: Hello? I know someone is there... [waits for a reply, but there isn't one] Now, this really is not funny. You are all my hallucinations and it is not right for hallucinations to be so rude! CHESHIRE CAT: Now, that is rather rude in itself, I rather object to being called a hallucination. Alice spins to find the Cheshire Cat lazily lean't agains't the side of the stage, watching her with some interest. ALICE: But... [frustrated] you ARE a hallucination! And I am rather keen on all of you stopping right now! I just want to go home and I can't with all of you running about! CHESHIRE CAT: How do you know that I am not real, and your not? ALICE: Because I know I am not a hallucination... CHESHIRE CAT: I suspect that is what all hallucinations feel! ALICE: That is mad! CHESHIRE CAT: Mad? I am not the one talking to a cat! Alice groans, giving up. Instead she starts looking around. ALICE: Where is this place... It is quite horrid. The Cheshire Cat slowly walks over and starts to prowl around Alice. CHESHIRE CAT: This is the park of lost things, rather horrible isn't it? That is because everything here is long lost and long forgotten. It makes those things rather sad and then, in time... Angry. ALICE: I don't like it... CHESHIRE CAT: I am hardly surprised, few people like the idea of being forgotten.Alice looks horrified as she makes a realisation. ALICE: If I am here, does that mean that I have been forgotten? CHESHIRE CAT: I don't know, do you feel like you have been forgotten? ALICE: I don't know, I hope not. [she wraps her arms around herself, scared] Doctor White does always seem to forget me... But my sister, Nurse Hatter... Even Nurse Doores wouldn't forget me. Cheshire Cat stops beside her and puts a gentle hand on her shoulder. CHESHIRE CAT: Then why worry? No... I do believe you have gotten yourself lost... You better hurry along, you wouldn't want to be stuck here! Alice watches the Cheshire Cat begin to stalk away, but before he leaves, he calls back over his shoulder. CHESHIRE CAT: Remember those who remember you Alice, for they are the ones that always pull you through and careful for the inhabitants of this place, they will resent you for that fact. Cheshire cat slinks off stage leaving Alice alone to ponder. ALICE: Maybe that cat is not so bad after all... I should really try to find my way out of this place. Alice then shakes her self and takes a few steps forward, as she does the lights lift on the other side of the stage where to people stand frozen like statues, in a pose where they each are reaching for the others throat. Each wear baby style onesies, dirty and ripped and their make up makes them rather intimidating visages. On one onesie is Tweedle Dum and on the other is Tweedle Dee. ALICE: Oh my! [horrified] such poor things... Are you ok? They both slowly turn their heads around to look at Alice, once they get a good look, they step back from each other and speak. TWEEDLE DUM: [excited] Hello! TWEEDLE DEE: [sour] Hello. ALICE: [smiling] Hello... You seem rather friendly. Tweedle Dum slowly waddles around Alice, so either one flank her. TWEEDLE DUM: Oh, we are! TWEEDLE DEE: We are? Tweedle Dum shoots Dee a glare, who looks to the floor to avoid it. Alice looks a little confused at this. TWEEDLE DUM: We are. Tweedle Dum takes Alice's hand and shakes it vigirously, causing her to smile. ALICE: I am so glad to hear that! Alice looks at the names on the front of their onesies, pondering a moment. ALICE: Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee... I know those names from my book... Tweedledum and Tweedledee, agreed to have a battle! For Tweedledum said Tweedledee had spoiled his nice new rattle... TWEEDLE DUM: Stop, we don't like silly rhyme. TWEEDLE DEE: No, not at all! ALICE: I am very sorry, I was just trying to make conversation. TWEEDLE DEE: Make conversation? How do you make a conversation? Dum begins to play with Alice's hair hair while she looks away. ALICE: You try and come up with something to talk about, it is just a figure of speech. TWEEDLE DUM: Then what is a figure of speech? TWEEDLE DEE: It sounds like a toy that talks! Dee begins to fiddle with the hem of Alice's dress, humming lightly to himself. ALICE: Sorry, [patiently] would you mind stop playing with my dress and hair? It is rather rude... The two don't listen. In fact, Dum pulls Alice's hair in annoyance. TWEEDLE DUM: I want to know what a figure of speech is! ALICE: Ow! That certainly isn't nice! TWEEDLE DEE: Tell us! Dee now pinches Alice in his own annoyance. ALICE: Fine! It is just something adults use. They will say something to mean something else... I suppose when you think about it, it is a bit funny! TWEEDLE DUM: We don't like adults, they are boring and stupid and selfish! Dee starts to look upset and Alice uses the chance to pull away from the two and brush herself off, she turns to face them both. ALICE: [defensively] Maybe the odd one or two... But I find most of them rather agreeable. Both Dum and Dee cross their arms over their chest. TWEEDLE DUM: No! TWEEDLE DEE: No... Dum glares at Alice, like a child having a sulk. Dee just stares sadly at the ground. TWEEDLE DUM: We would not be here if not for adults selfishness! TWEEDLE DEE: [Sadly] That is right... ALICE: How so? What happened? The two look at each other, then Dee begins to speak in rhyme. TWEEDLE DEE: When the Tweedle twins were born, everything was nice and sappy, But when the doctor came and checked them, it wasn't quite so happy! TWEEDLE DUM: Our mummy and daddy, they were no longer giddy... But now we are forgotten, they have a replacement kiddy! Alice looks surprised, then shocked as she realises who and what the twins are. Dee has started crying and in reaction Dum shoots him a glare. ALICE: I know your story... Your parents didn't replace you, they love and miss you! TWEEDLE DEE: [through the tears] lier! TWEEDLE DUM: That is what the kitty said, but he is wrong, Mummy and Daddy didn't help us... We belong here! ALICE: No, they couldn't help! They loved you and they still do, my friend told me so! [pauses] Kitty? Do you mean the Cheshire Cat?! Both twins look back up, dark smiles replacing their anger and sadness. TWEEDLE DUM: He prowls from room to room [stalks around Alice like a predator] He follows no commands, only the wails of the suffering! A ticking can be heard far off and Alice starts to look uncomfortable, lightly rubbing at her chest again. ALICE: He doesn't seem that bad... TWEEDLE DEE: But talking to him is just the start! You wait for when he comes for you, when he takes you from the world and dumps you here. ALICE: [defiantly] But he has already told me that I don't belong here! The twins look surprised, then angry. Alice puts a hand over her mouth, realising she has said something she shouldn't.

[btsvt-adventures]

Sixty Percent

Title: Sixty Percent Pairing: Hoseok x Reader Warning(s): Mentions of death, suicide, dark thoughts, strong language, gore depression, overdosing, self harm, self deprecation, self hatred, anger, lashing out, verbal abuse, physical abuse

If you’re easily triggered, please don’t read this

Word Count: 3097

A/N: This is so dark oh god. Also i wanted to post this on Hobi’s birthday (for dramatic purposes okay) but things got in the way, and well… it’s late. Oh well.

60% of males with Schizophrenia attempt suicide at least once. Today is Hoseok’s fifth.

He glances at the handful of pills in his palm, watches them glint against the harsh white of the asylum’s bathroom lights.

Do it.

It ain’t like anyone gonna miss you

That bitch doesn’t really love you. It’s all fake! All so you’ll be a good, quiet little patient  

Do it right and we will go away, cross our hearts

And hope you die

The shadows were taunting him again, tempting him to try. They crept along the walls, in the mirror, behind him, next to him, in the corners of the room. Where he went, his shadows followed. When darkness came, his shadows ruled.

He’d stolen the pills, after getting Taehyung to distract the staff. Taehyung had been delighted, eager to lie and trick anyone and everyone he could. With that boxy smile of his, it’s easy to believe him, easy to fall into his trap, easy to let him lead you and all the others away. He stares at them for a moment, the bottle of water in his hand shaking slightly.

Six years. It was exactly six years ago that he was admitted. He’d kicked and fought, yelling at his parents that he was fine, that he wasn’t actually going to kill himself, and that he’d meant for it to be a joke. His parents cried, sobbed, wailed as they put their precious son into the asylum, swore that they’d visit him, that they’d get him out when he was better.

They never came back.

He resented them, of course he did, for never visiting, never calling, for basically leaving him here to die, but it was tiring being angry all the time.

It’s not so bad, he supposes, glancing in the mirror, eyes roaming over his gaunt features, worn and tired, making him look older than his twenty two- no, twenty-three years. He sighs, mind drifting again, to the things he’s done to all the messed up patients here.

And what fun it was.

He’s seated across Jungkook, scoffing quietly when he sees the younger lash out at another nurse. Jeon Jungkook, 20 this year, and still as easy to piss off as when he was admitted a mere three years ago.

Make him angry.

Fucking piss ‘im off real good

Fight! Fight! Fight already won’cha?

Don’t be a fucking wuss, do it, you little bitch!

It doesn’t take much for him to cave. The voices, the shadows, they loved screwing with Jungkook, pissing him off to the point that they’d fight. Hoseok’s lips curl into a manic grin, the shadows cheering him on as he stands abruptly, strolling easily towards Jungkook.

“Yah, you’re pathetic, you know that?” he sneers gleefully, and Jungkook glares at him, barely restrained anger burning in his wide doe-like eyes.

“Someone with such a baby face, you’re just begging to be babied aren’t you, cute little maknae,” he goads, and Jungkook’s glare intensifies.

“Shut your face, dickhead,” he snipes, fists clenching as he fights the urge to punch Hoseok in the face.

Hoseok gets stopped (unfortunately), dragged away before he can cause any more trouble. He lets out a manic laugh, eyes wild as he loses a shred of fragile, composed sanity. The male nurses take him back to his room and sedate him, threatening to keep him in lockdown if he misbehaves again.

He does, repeatedly, but the nurses eventually figure he won’t actually push Jungkook far enough for the younger to kill him.

With Yoongi it’s more… stimulating. He gets a kick out of seeing nine year old Yoongi bawl his eyes out when Hoseok ‘tells’ on him. Yoongi will sulk, pout, whine and wail, just so he doesn’t have to take his medication.  

But the fun part isn’t watching a twenty-four, almost twenty-five year old turn into a nine year old. The fun part, is when Hoseok can catch Yoongi at nine, and force him to turn to his deliciously violent, oh-so-sexy nineteen year old self.

“He faked taking his meds today,” he tells one nurse casually, innocent lilt in his tone. Yoongi cusses him out, and he just laughs, high pitched and gleeful, watching as the nurses pin Yoongi down and force the myriad of pills into his system.

“I’ll have my revenge, asshole!” Yoongi snarls, fighting hard against the male nurses, who all struggle to keep him from killing them (or Hoseok).

Hoseok would have let him, but the nurses pull him away, somehow determined to keep everyone alive. If only they’d realized that half of them didn’t want to be.  

He laughs, darker, more manic, slowly descending into the madness of his own mind. Everyone has their own demons, and he watches the misery, anger, hatred, fear, and uncontrollable urges consume the other patients. He giggles in wild, deranged glee when the sounds of their screams echo along the hallways, knowing their nightmares taunt them, their own demons rip them apart, piece by delightful piece.

He revels in the knowledge that they’re suffering too.

That he’s not the only one.

The therapists try and tell him his demons aren’t real, that he should stop listening to the false promises and dark whispers of the shadows, but they don’t understand.

They’re real.

They haunt him, and taunt him.

They make his life a living hell. But the dreams are worse.

Failure.

‘Course you suck. Pussy.

Well look who fucked up?  As per-fucking-normal

Looks like you failed again.

He growls, swiping at the shadows, screaming for them to go away, to just leave him be. He screams until his voice is hoarse, but they laugh at him, hurling razor sharp insults until all Hoseok wants to do it slam his head against a wall until he’s broken, and they’re gone for good.  

Hoseok wants to die, to leave this dismal, dark, horror-filled world for the peace of eternal darkness, and this time he’s going to succeed. He closes his fist around the colourful pills, eyes shut as he takes a deep breath.

A brief memory flashes in his mind, a burst of colour in his dark, dark world. A memory of you.

Your first meeting wasn’t significant, just a fleeting smile, and a sweet “good morning,” but it stopped Hoseok in his tracks. You were new back then, fresh faced and hopeful to help the people in this place.

Hoseok almost wanted to scoff when he first saw you. No one here could be helped. It was an asylum for a reason. But you tried anyway. Everyday you helped Jimin battle his demons, coaxed Yoongi into being more receptive, switching the way you spoke as effortlessly as he did between his childlike innocence and violent alter-ego.

He saw it in the way you refused to take nonsense from Taehyung, but let him get away with those white lies he couldn’t help but tell, in how you gently reminded Seokjin that eating six people’s worth of food was too much, but letting him have that extra bowl of rice anyway.

He wanted to hate you, to sneer at how easy it was for you to lie (read: talk) to the patients, how all of them seemed happier whenever you were around. He found himself gravitating towards you, unknowingly craving the same affection you offered the rest of his ‘circle.’

You were just so good, too pure for this hellhole they’d assigned you to. You never said a word about what Jungkook did to his teacher, the way he mutilated her, tortured her in ways so twisted the news dared not report the severity of it, before she was granted the painful mercy of death. You spoke to him like the troubled teen you knew he was, coaxing him to talk to you about things that interested him.

Hoseok tried to deny it. He didn't want to be friends with you, didn't want to have hope in his already hopeless world. He pushed you away, insulted you, sneered and treated you terribly, anything to get the glimmer of hope blooming in his heart to stop growing. It taunted him, mocked him almost, but he was just so fucking drawn to you.

“Jung Hoseok right?” you grinned brightly at him, and he’s blinded, bathed in brilliant, beautiful colours, contentment and sheer peace washing over him. He’s floating, high on your gentle voice and kind eyes, drowning in so much… light, that for the first time in his life, he truly, truly believes his life isn’t meant to be shrouded in shadows.

He nods, completely enamored by you, but more enraptured by the fact that you didn’t classify him by his illness. He was just Jung Hoseok.

It was good, so, so good.

At first.

You chased the shadows away, made him laugh, made him happy. You snuck in sweets and snacks after bedtime, shared silly stories about childhood and about family, friends, and Hoseok felt… normal.

Then the shadows come back, fiercer and darker than before. Hoseok’s plagued with horrifying, terrifying nightmares, of you mocking him, of you looking down and laughing at how much of a shell he truly is. He wakes up screaming your name, and grabs the nearest thing (his plastic cup), hurling it at you when you come sprinting in. Every time.

“You! You!” he screams, thrashing as the other nurses try and hold him down, injecting him with relaxant. “You’re a liar! They say you’re a liar and you don’t really care! They say you’re using me,” he shrieks, tears sliding down his face. Hoseok looks you dead in the eyes, and for the first time you see how truly haunted he is.

You’re frozen the first time, heart dropping when you see how much he truly believes his nightmares. The helplessness claws at you, tearing you apart as you watch him struggle, shrieking at the top of his voice, frenzied with fear and panic while his mind falls apart once more.

“You. You’ll break me. You’ll break me, and I’ll let you,” he whispers, mellowing out as the medication takes effect.

You head straight into the break room when he’s completely calm, eyes shut in temporary peace, and you hiccup, letting your weakness, your pain wash over you. Hoseok’s only a few years older than you, but his eyes, in that moment, were filled with more pain and torment that you could ever think was possible.  You let your emotions take control, sobbing in the tiny break room while the other nurses bustle around, some shooting you sympathetic looks, others leaving you alone to cry it out.

It doesn’t stop you. The shock eventually wears off, and you’re more prepared to handle him. You come back each time he screams your name, reassuring him you’re not going anywhere, that you truly do care, that the shadows are lying.

“How do you know they’re lying?” Hoseok asks you one day. It’s a good day today. The shadows are quiet, lurking in the darkest corners of the brightly lit room.

“Because I’m here, right now. The shadows, they never tell you good things, like how your laugh makes everyone laugh, how you’re so pretty when you smile, how you’re kind to everyone, even the ever-so-grumpy Min Yoongi,” you ramble on, and on, and Hoseok feels hope and affection bloom deep in his heart.

You lace your fingers with his, and he stares at it, almost in shock, before he turns your hand over, tracing the lines on your soft palm with almost childlike curiosity. He wants to memorise just how soft your hands are, learn each line and cut, trace over the smoothness of the tips of your fingers until he can see them imprinted on the back of his eyelids. Hoseok’s in awe, because he thought your hands would be calloused, rough from having to deal with patients like him and Yoongi all the time.

He leans down, pressing soft kisses to the center of your palms, and comes back up to peck a soft, sweet kiss to your cheek, feeling his already impossibly wide grin widen when he sees a pretty pink dust your delicate cheekbones.

When Hoseok first realizes it’s love, he knows he’s screwed. He tries to deny it, but he can’t resist. Each smile makes him want to push harder. Each sweet kiss gives him hope. The nurses are amazed by how much progress he’s made. Each time you praise him, he feels so full of love he thinks he’s going to burst.

But that was only in the light.

Once darkness takes over, the shadows taunt him for it. It’s a constant struggle, desperately trying to remember the happiness that filled his heart when he saw you mere hours ago. The days you’re not there are the hardest. He’d resort to sleeping pills, just so he could hide his struggles, because your happiness meant his happiness.

She’s lying

She only wants to see you when you’re happy

Once you crack, she’ll disappear

They all disappear

Always

Two nights later, it’s a bad night. He’s angry, violent, furious at both you and the world. He stalks you, like a predator would a prey, hurling sharp, hurtful words that burn themselves into your brain,

“Slut! Bitch! You’d open your legs for any damn guy who asks, thinking it’ll heal them? Make them better?” he snarls, eyes feral as he grips your arm tight. You gasp, not in pain, but in shock. There were bad days, but this was different.  

“Only for you hobi, I only want you,” you murmur quietly, reaching out to cup his cheek, not resisting when he pulls you closer by your arm, snarling in your ear.

“Liar. What a fucking liar you are. Here’s some breaking news, bitch. We’re all here because we can’t be fucking fixed. So get the fuck out of here and leave us to rot in this goddamn hellhole!” he roars, shoving you away, before letting the nurses tackle him.

He looks straight at you, lip curling in disgust, eyes filled with contorted hate and glee.

“I told you you’d break me.”

Four nights later, he cracks. The lack of sleep, the constant torment, the whispers in the dark about hurting you before you hurt him, about him already being broken, drive him over the edge. He screams at you, hands flying and voice hoarse.

You reach for him, cooing softly, lacing your fingers together so he’ll calm down, but he tries to pull away.  

“This is your fault! All your goddamn fault!” he shrieks, pulling away violently. “Don’t touch me! Don’t you fucking dare touch me!” he hollers, glaring hatefully at you.

It’s a choice. You can see the choice he makes in his manic, wild eyes, but it’s too late to stop it, and the sharp sound of palm meeting cheek echoes in the suddenly silent room.

It’s enough to shock Hoseok back to his distorted reality, and he panics when he sees you on the floor, eyes glazed over as you hold your reddened cheek, the mix of pain and shock clearly evident in your eyes.

“I- No, no please, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, the shadows they-they keep telling me to hurt you, I try, I try so fucking hard to ignore them, but they haunt me. They torture me with dreams of you leaving, of you mocking me, saying I’m hopeless, that I can’t be cured, I just want the voices to go away!” he screams, falling to his knees in front of you, reaching out to tug your hands away so he can see the damage for himself.

“And they will go away,” you promise softly, letting him run his fingers over the mark, his mark, heart shattering at the remorse and regret on his handsome face. “Just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re going to get better, okay?”

You’re still stunned, because you knew the risks of getting too close to a volatile patient like Hoseok, but you couldn’t help it. He drew you in, mysterious and haunting, one minute goofy smiles, the next hateful glares. Your cheek burns hot, tender to the touch, but the pain doesn’t compare to how much it hurt when he broke, when you saw just how much you broke him.

Hoseok was right.

You did break him, and a dark, demented part of him hoped the knowledge would haunt you, knowing it was your fault.

He tried. Hoseok tried so hard for you, but they kept getting worse, and worse. The voices, the shadows, whispering evil into his sick, twisted mind, telling him to end his misery, to end his pain. He’d tried so, so hard, but the shadows, the torment, the torture – He failed.

60% of males with Schizophrenia attempt suicide at least once. 10.5% of them succeed.

For the first time in his life, Hoseok won’t be a failure.

This time he’d succeed. This time he’ll make them go away for good. The shadows will finally leave him in peace. He’ll be free.

He grips the bottle tighter, tilts his head back, and downs everything. It doesn’t take long, and he gasps in pain, feeling his insides churning. His vision blurs out, and he’s on his knees, body trying desperately to reject whatever he’d forced down. He vaguely hears the door slam open, hears your voice cry in alarm, and almost, almost wants to fight back, but he’s tired.

He’s just so tired.

He feels himself being lifted onto something soft, so, wonderfully soft, and glances up to see you, yelling out orders to try and cleanse his stomach, to try and figure out what he took.

“N-no,” he forces out, mouth drier than the sahara desert. “N-no m-more,” he rasps, and you look down at him, desperation clear in your eyes. He knew it was time, but he needed you to know it too.

“A-always...Love y-you,” he breathes, shaky hand reaching up to try and brush your tears away. He misses, stroking your cheek instead, but you choke on a sob-laugh, letting him see, openly, how much this hurts you too. He hears, just barely, your heartbroken plea for him to stay, to keep fighting, but the shadows are crowding his vision, his world darkening one final time. He lets himself languish in the darkness, feeling it envelop him in it’s cool, soothing embrace.

Peace.

At 12.00am, Jung Hoseok sees his twenty-third birthday. At 12.28pm, he realises he’ll never see his twenty-fourth.

At 12:29pm, on 18 February 2017, Jung Hoseok closes his eyes on his twenty-third (and final) birthday.