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being too weird and unlikable and off putting and always being shunned and turned into an outcast everywhere i go and not having felt the connection and healing friendship has on you for so many years has really done a number on me
#irl mostly. but even online. i cannot connect or find communities or support systems the way most of u can#even if i do have found great connections and one connection in particular im more than grateful for#but i have had so much of my humanness torn off for so long that i am awkward and useless in handling it#but yeah idk :/ im just so profoundly jealous of how everyone can just fit into a slot#even online when ppl talk abt being anxious and stuff they still have ppl to talk to#or ppl irl to hang out with and im like.. wow... i cant even do that :/#it is just so lonely in general. and it has made me confused and incapable of knowing how to be a human#and fully realise and actualize the one connection i do have#if i had gotten to learn and now know how to be a human and a person i would've... been a person#but now i feel so removed and far away from that idek how...#like im at a point where i cant even have simple and shallow conversations online bc im like so useless#maybe only other ppl with avpd and who have been socially rejected and isolated and alienated can fully understand what i mean#it is so scary and weird and i feel such deep envy for how people can just like... talk to eo. irl and online. i dont get it#and like the connection i do have that i mention bc it is so important to me.. that does all of those things#but it is like im so not used to anyone even keep wanting to have a connection with me#that i feel like bambi on ice 💀 for lack of a better metaphor#and inside of me idk how to dare to open up to it bc i've been numb and shut off i just dont know#i dont know. but i want to but idk how.#ahhhhhh wanna scream bc just trying to describe it so i can make sense of it is frustrating!!!!#it also sucks bc other ppl really dont seem to get how fkn weird and scary it is to feel so removed from humanness#and not even be able to do most basic human people things most ppl who are mentally ill or anxious do.. i cant even do that idk#talking and communicating is the main thing like ppl do not understand how fkn hard it is for me to even have a simple convo#and i cant explain it bc theres no way someone who doesnt feel the same and have avpd could get it...#but idk. i just hate all of this and i wish i had a normal functioning brain. i just wanna be like everyone else#even ppl w social anxiety are capable of having friends. and im terrified of losing the only connection i've somehow been lucky to get#in my hands??? im so scared of losing that but idk HOW to be a person and idk!!! idk!!#other ppl dont even think abt these things im so fkn jealous lmao#anyway whatever 😔
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Oh. Oh I just had a thought.
Sonic Prime AU where Sonic loses a leg and gets a prosthetic made by Nine (or something) but like. What happens after the day is saved and Green Hills is eventually restored...? o.o
I'll find ways to make it worse too. You can count on it. Thinking battle scars... and I'm sure there's some other things.
OOOOOO WHAT IF HE GOES DEAF TOO? >:D
His friends are asking all these questions about the sudden prosthetic and scars and stuff but he can't hear shit and he's already stressed and his hands are shaking so he can't quite sign and I'm just- OUGH.
#trauma exploration~#sonic#sonic prime#sonic au#now how can i include blindness in a way that makes sense to make it even more angsty/give Sonic more problems...?#side effect of him fading away and Shadow barely getting him back in time maybe??#That way he's even more disoriented and confused#and if we're going that route he probably also feels a little numb at first#which then also means he probably thinks they didn't make it in time for a minute#yes- YES#the angst is coming together
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I strive to simultaneously be Satou Matsuzaka’s #1 Hater and #1 Apologist
#happy sugar life#tw happy sugar life#satou matsuzaka#tw satou matsuzaka#half joke#lmao#she is my favorite character#and 5th favorite character of all time#i hate her sm but feel for her sm#i want the best for her#i hate her actions and her person but i also understand that she was pure intentioned and a victim of her own circumstances#she a child too#i imagine a world where things could of been better#i hate her but i relate to her. her numbness her confusion her disconnect from others her hate for adults her feeling of dirty#satou is a complex character#she is not a hero but she is not evil. she is a cry for help and cautionary tale of those abused traumatized and abandoned by the world#if she just had one hand reach out to her.#one adult that held out their hand to help her. not to abuse her or use her for their own desires#one true friend#things may have been different#if shouko didnt start character development so late like BRO GIRL ILY BUT COME ONNNNNN
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updated my ‘movies watched’ list for the first time in months and spent several minutes trying unsuccessfully to remember “that other film i saw where everyone was shooting each other” … it was The Godfather
#apparently the two categories of films i’ve seen over the past few months are films where everyone is shooting each other#and films where they are not#in my defense i watched two extremely violent films in a short span of time because i was extremely depressed and wanted to feel something#so it’s reasonable to get confused#i was also possibly high when i watched it - though i didn’t feel SHIT#i’m saving all the edibles for when i watch the second one#to make sure i set the mood properly#i should also mention that i didn’t watch the films BECAUSE they were violent but bc certain signs and symbols compelled me to#(which is why i watch everything i watch)#i just allowed it to happen bc i was really numb#and i knew i could take it#and shit… i guess it pulled me out!#thank you violent movies <33
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it's so over
#i am. speechless.#im numb#dumbfounded#again#and i thought i already was after the last episode#but i'm just........#fyodor's hand........ the hand wound......... asagiri really retconned that in...........#it wasn't there before........ it was such a big deal in the anime but it WASN'T THERE IN THE MANGA#SO HE RETCONNED IT IN TO HAVE THE SAME ENDING..............#im just#i cant#there are no words#there are no words to describe how i'm feeling#/i/ dont even know how i'm feeling#ashamed. disgusted. insulted. heartbroken. devastated. confused. dumbfounded. everything#that is not my asagiri#he would never write this conclusion#i said that after the finale and it applies even MORE here#i can't even enjoy all the cute fyolai moments bc i just want to throw up#and the absolutely fucking worst part is that people are gonna say 'oh you care too much' or 'bsd has always had a bad plot'#'you were stupid for even coping about it being different from the anime in the first place'#NO. IT WAS NOT JUST COPIUM. THERE WAS LEGITIMATE EVIDENCE.#THE ANIME /RETCONNED/ SO MANY THINGS TO MAKE THAT ENDING HAPPEN AND THAT'S WHY IT FELT SO OOC AND CONTRADICTORY#AND NOW THE MANGA IS RETCONNING THINGS AS WELL TO MAKE IT GO THE SAME WAY#FORGIVE ME FOR IT NEVER EVEN OCCURRING TO ME THAT ASAGIRI WOULD STOOP SO LOW AS TO DO THIS KIND OF SHIT#he's always been a great fucking writer in so many ways even WITH his flaws. he has never been this bad. i'm sorry he just /hasn't/#maybe the Book will undo everything after everything looks all fine and good and happy. that's all i can delude myself into hoping for now#but it's not looking good#it's bungover..........
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still fucked up about that jjk chapter. and now we have THAT episode today.
gege Give Me A Break Please
#these wounds they will not heal fear is how i fall confusing confusing what is real there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surfa#ce#jjk#jjk spoilers#IV E BECOME SO NUMB I CANT FEEL YOU THERE BECOME SO TIRED SO MUCH MORE AWARE BY BECOMING THIS ALL I WANT TO DO IS BE MORE LIKE ME AND BE LE#S LIKE YOU
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#most days I feel like my emotions are broken and missing#and I wish I felt things with enough intensity for me to notice the differences between my different emotions#but then those days (like today) where I get hit with The Sads I am glad for the days when I'm mostly numb bc this is TOO MUCH#every minor thing is making me feel awful#my chest feels tight and I can't stop crying -- and I'm not used to crying bc of my feelings#like i need to watch sad things and listen to sad music for eye maintenance basically 😂 just to make sure they don't dry out#but today I've cried so many times that my eyes must be so confused
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i think im gonna ask my therapist to get me an appointment with the private psychiatrist she suggested
#yesterday was kind of the wake up call#for a few days ive been feeling very little… still feeling bad but like sort of numb and i keep questioning wheter i actually need meds or#not which .. in any case i will not decide but a specialist will but anyways#and i was looking through book fairs and how to get appointments with publishers to show ur portfolio and just generally feeling like the#most incompetent person ever and also like i will never get anywhere because my style isn’t exactly what u see in most illustrated books#95% of which are childrens books…… and those styles are just different#anyway i digress#my grandma called and she was like what are u doing and i told her how stressed i was and i just started crying mid-sentence and i told her#i dont know where to bang my head anymore its too difficult and confusing and i feel like im just not good enough and im tired of trying to#keep it together.. she knows im not well mentally#like i was SOBBING#and she was like u shouldnt think like that u have to be patient keep trying and contact those publishers and whatever#and i get that she was trying to motivate me but i just told her flat out i. am. unwell. i dont know what to do anymore with this brain#and i asked her to please not tell me how i should think because i cant#and i know my grandad was there with her because he always is and he heard and like an hour later he came to my house to pick something up#and he was like ‘earlier i heard things i dont like’ aka me being depressed out of my mind#and then he said ‘we should talk about it sometime’ and proceeded to completely change the subject to his gums problem because he was going#to the dentist….ok#and the funny thing is things like this where people acknowledge that im struggling but proceed to say nothing about it keep happening#like i have a friend that i talk to very often and we say p much everything to each other but now shes working so she takes weeks to reply#and i told her i was doing VERY bad and of course she has her problems too… and she hasn’t replied to me in like three weeks or so#and she sent a text basically saying im dorry i havent replied yet i want to have time to do it well and hear how youre doing but hear this!#and proceeded to tell me stuff about her work and whatever… which is fine but dont tell me u care about how i am if u cant even check in#when u do have time because clearly u can send texts…#anyways im rambling good morning i already cried and its not even 9 great !!
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being racialized is not a common experience for me so I'm not rly sure what to do when it happens
#mine#I recognise the privilege of being able to say I'm black 👍 without being Told you're black 🫵#I feel a bit numb? I've been around racialized black folks my whole life. I knew what to expect the minute I no longer passed as white#so I'm not surprised exactly#but it feels like the wind gets knocked out. just.. the audacity? the confusion.#for those tracking my life story this isn't abt roomie calling me broccoli. no this is about some of roomie's ex friends#being accused of antiblack racism. roomie thinks some of the comments they said about me suddenly turned a lot more sinister.#it's weird. I didn't rly know those ppl.#I knew they were assholes for how they treated roomie but now roomie's furious for how they treated me#I didn't even notice. just thought they had a stick up their asses yanno?
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every time i think i'm over being salty, i think about the finale and get angry all over again. non sequitur shift but i watched a production of king lear and cried harder to a story whose ending i already knew than when my fave character died in the show about kindness or healing or whatever
#my point is i was so numb watching the finale i couldn't even feel sad watching my guy die#the last 10 minutes were so DEVOID of emotion or reason or logic#like i am still so confused why any of that happened
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#just the thought of him not loving me the same way and amount i love him makes me want to slice myself up#ill only stop cutting when i cant feel anything anymore not pain not love just emptiness#just want to be with master but dont want to make him stressed out because im too dependent and reliant on him#why cant i just feel my emotions the right way or a normal amount or at least less strong? why am i like this?#why cant i love like a human and why must that shit be so complicated? why am i so feralminded?#and why cant i feel my loves separately? should i even? or am i not understanding it right? why do i feel everything wrong?#why must i love him like a wild animal loves its lifelong mate? but also like how that animal loves the taste of prey and hungers for it?#like a dog loves its master and feels the unending loyalty and unconditional love overtake remaining wolflike instinct#like a best friend i also wish to do stereotypical romantic and domestic things with and so much more#i want to be bound to him in any way possible marriage and collars and microchips and blood pacts and marking and such#but im so scared he wont want that anymore i want to stop feeling i need to completely stop feeling and worrying but i cant#even when im emotionally numb i still feel that canine love for him even if just a glimmer#i wish i knew what he thinks love is and what hes comfortable with and how he felt and experienced love and if he still loves me like#he did before he came out as aro....im scared to bring up how calling himself aro and me his exception actually hurts and idk if i should#tbh him saying hes aro yet says he loves me feels like when a close friend keeps saying they dont have any friends while youre right there#like my existence makes his identity a lie or a betrayal to him i cant shake the gross feeling that hes forcing himself to stay for my sake#....hell am i even his exception anymore? what did he mean by same amount but not the same? what changed? did anything actually change?#wish i could figure out what love is and how to feel it right..esp dont understand romantic or queerplatonic or anything its all confusing#i want to take on the world with him and stop being an emotional wreck so we can fuck anyone together like we swore to#i just want to live the rest of my life by his side and i want to experience all we can together#picnics and movies and living together and sharing a nest and....idk i just want to be with him forever and hope he still feels the same#it would literally kill me if he ever left or fell out of love i think i would lose whats left of my mind and end up bleeding myself dry#i want us to be together forever and never ever stop being mates but i cant help but be terrified and confused and hurt
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I feel like I sent you an ask a couple days ago, but maybe I dreamed it? Maybe I also dreamed that I forgot to send it on anon?
Anyway, hello again! Sending positivity and ice cream your way, as always. :)
~🍦
hey! no, you sent it to me, heh. thanks for checking in again 💕
#🍦 anon#asks 💌#tbh now that i'm 18 alls i been thinking about is just 'well shit. now what?'#i don't know what i want in life and now that i'm a legal adult i feel a pressure to do something. but i don't know what that something is.#i just feel a bit emotionally numb and feel very lost and confused. I suppose alls i need is time.
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what….what is happening
#ellie leaving was already devestating#and angering#and opened up a lot of wounds#antonio….#I feel fucking numb dude#like so confused on how I feel bc it’s just so much ?#what the fuck man#what the actual fuck
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How to tell if you have OSDD-1a
I have no clue please tell me if you find it out
#osdd#osdd-1a#dissociation#I have been dissociating constantly for the last like week and it's driving me insnae#I literally feel numb right now#I've gone through several types of trauma JUST THIS MONTH#I don't feel like one person#I don't even know if I feel like a person or people in general#I don't know#I don't know who I am?#Or what I am?#I feel numb and lost and confused
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found out my ex unblocked me and view my instagram story of my tattoos…
#Mel’s blog#rant#vent#I mostly took a nap cause I felt so low and overwhelmed and confused#it’s been a month since our breakup#and all sudden he unblocks me ?#I’m unsure how to feel#mostly numb at this point
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Found an actual diary to write in earlier and I already filled 18 pages but I'm still not feeling better :/
#if the hyper specific questions i'm scribbling down in there had answers on google i'd go rabid and do backflips#idk if writing retrospectively for the past month is helping or making it much worse actually. probably the latter#i'm so fucking confused and anxious and angry at myself and feeling guilty and scared and suicidal and numb and depressed. i want to die#and we're only getting to the worst parts! i'm still at what happened two weeks ago when things were relatively okay and i had hope 😃#mel talks#depressed bitch posting
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