#he was clearly in the wrong today
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had a fight with my dad and now i feel like I'm about to throw up
#he's the best and we rarely ever fight but#he was clearly in the wrong today#even my mother (hates me) said he was wrong and i had a point#it was so stupid too#i hate to say it but he was acting like a manchild#like im sorry but me asking you to clean up after yourself is not me being a 'privileged princess' its just me asking u to act like the#adult that you are#and he's like oh so when u go to hostel do u think everyone will cater to what u want? ppl wont be cleaning up after themselves there eithe#if u have a problem with it u have to clean it yourself like#ok sure in hostel everyone wont be super hygenic and i could face problems but that doesn't mean u cant by hygenic at HOME ????#i feel so bad#i love him so much he never acts this way#i feel so fucking guilty but i was right though#god why is this shit so fucking complex#this is like the last thing i needed today I'm gonna have a full blown breakdown soon and i cant even do that bcz all my grandparents have#decided that they all must come visit AT THE SAME TIME and the house is full of people#every single room has people in it i cant even have a breakdown in privacy
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why am i getting 2 people in the same week texting me their dick thinking im some girl named anna
#is this the latest scam#i ignored the first one initially bc i figured it was a bot#but he followed up later and i was like uhh idk what to tell u wrong number man#and we talked for a few minutes so idk he semeed real#BUT I GOT A GRAPHIC DICK PIC THIS MORNING#from a different number#ALSO calling me anna. anna whoever u are leave my number out of this#the first guy texted me a day or two later like hey if you care i got her number today lol#it was a weird experience but he was like. nice and apologetic when i was like dude im not anna lol#idk about this second guy >.> if theyre even REAL#whats going on. leave me alone. stop showing me ur dick.#at least the first guy was like. i mean he was wearing clothes of some kind. but very clearly grabbing his dick >.>#this other one was like dick on the table fully out with measuring tape . bitch what the hell. anna what r u doing to these men.
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lmao tried to quit my job but im a huge fucking pushover so my boss spent 40 minutes begging me to stay and it stressed me out so bad I wanted to cry so I said I'd fucking stayyyyy LMFAO WHY AM I LIKE THIIIIIISSSSSS
#i AM going to actually have to grow some balls and learn to say no someday#clearly tho today was not that day#i even said id stay for a month or more til he could hire and train someone else 😑#but thats not a good enough deal i guess#and then he asked me IF I USE HARD DRUGS AND THATS WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??????#i was like holy fuck bro if i dont go home right now im going to start!!!!killing!!!people!!!!!!!!!!
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rotating john in my mind today. his longing for destruction vs his desire to live vs his deep regret vs his justifications for everything he does. Making himself god and then being slutty about it. guy of all time
#thinking about various fictional guys today & realized i hate ni*ll lynch way more despite the fact that he's like. a better dude#one day i will finish greyw*ren#the problem is when maggie s. invents an older man and has him justify himself i simply don't care#this is the problem i had with bryde too. respect to bryde enjoyers but every time he spoke i thought i'm too homosexual for this#homosexual in the wrong direction for him#i fully am bi i just become heterophobic when faced with an older man i'm clearly supposed to think is hot who simply doesn't have flavor#they just aren't john gaius. they simply do not have the range
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*sees post criticizing Mr Beast for the human rights violations*
*goes to reblog*
*pauses*
*the last three reblogs are making fun of how “soulless” he looks in a photo when he smiles*
*he looks like me when I try to smile for photos*
*does not reblog*
#guys I promise you can criticize someone without making cheap shots about their appearance#‘oh this rich billionaire did awful things clearly he doesn’t have a soul look how he’s not smiling right for the camera’#I know I’m getting worked up over a tumblr post I know this#it just gets under my skin#I can’t smile right for photos either. my smiles don’t usually reach my eyes. even when I’m actually happy.#my face just doesn’t move right when it comes to photos.#and now I see this post criticizing Mr Beast because when he takes a photo w his girlfriend his eyes don’t look right#his smile is wrong. if you crop the photo to just his eyes they don’t look happy.#and clearly this is more evidence for why he’s a bad person who shouldn’t be trusted /sarcasm#NO. STOP CONFLATING APPEARANCE WITH MORALITY.#*rattles the bars of my cage*#okie rant over have a nice day everyone and I hope you have good days today#blue chatter
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#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad#bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young#and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder#but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small#and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible#grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing#and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is#probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a#fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong#with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality#and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever#as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun#its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to#read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like#yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess#i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she#clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate#unrelated
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boy at work: would you rather have 0 boyfriends or 999 girlfriends
girl at work: 999 girlfriends
boy: WHAT?!?! but that makes you gay!!!!
girl: so?? i'd rather have 999 girlfriends than 0 boyfriends!!!
boy: but that makes you GAY!!!!!
me, finally intervening: and? it's LITERALLY pride month
#the worm speaks#real conversation i heard btwn kids at work today#fun fact the girl is the same one as the one who last year when i explained what furries were to the older lids#*kids#she was immediately like 'oh i think i'm a furry then' no hesitation#let's go girl live your best gay furry life#also yesterday there was this tiny little girl probs like 6 or 7 who. two minutes after i very clearly told all the kids#to ABSOLUTELY DO NOT POUR MILK INTO THE TRASH CAN IT WILL ROT AND SMELL VERY VERY SUPREMELY BAD#went and poured her milk into the garbage can.#like girl. you KNOW what you are doing is wrong. so i. scolded her in front of everyone. and then apologized to her for scolding her#in front of everyone bc i should have known better than to do that and pulled her aside to speak privately instead.#*face in hands* unfortunately we live in a society and i am not immune to unlearning bad habits of treating children#unfortunately we also live in a society that doesn't like the stench of rotten milk clinging to the trash cans in the heat of summer.#which is what happened last year when the kids didn't close their milk cartons before dumping them#also this one older boy brought a crochet hook and i am so fascinated by him. he brought practice sewing needles.#as in the big blunt plastic kinds with the ginormous eyes for kids to practice on#he talked abt how walmart only had ugly yarns. he should be hanging out with the little old ladies for REAL!!!
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Cishet people who don’t use the right language but still have their heart in the right place are infinitely more helpful to the queer community than queer people who are up to date on terminology, know all the right things to say, yet spend their time and energy on harassing and threatening others in the community
#I had to moderate a video today that at first glance looked like hate speech until I watched it a second time#it was a middle-aged cishet white guy using all the wrong language but with very good intentions#I approved his livestream in the end after thinking it over#he wasn’t malicious in the least and was clearly doing his best. I appreciate that far more than someone who weaponizes progressiveness#m.txt
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Pacing back and forth rapidly rambling to my parents like a mad man trying to figure out whether or not I experienced sexism at film school today or if these guys are just assholes in a different way
#ramblings of a lunatic#like they made a couple comments about how one woman in the department (who's always stressed bc she has a busy job)-#-clearly doesn't ''like guys'' and gave them the wrong equipment to set them up for failure (??? okay???)#and proceeded to organise things so that. none of the other members (who were all girls and here's where i can't tell if it's coincidence)#-had ANYTHING to do on set. like didn't ask them to set up tripods (we all went to thr class where you learn to set up tripods...)#didn't ask them even to hold things or plug things in (they did ask me but only bc i spoke up and volunteered multiple times)#didn't even really talk to us much bc they were off in their own world setting up equipment (that we didn't need btw)#and i can't tell if they were just really focused or being exclusionary!#and i don't think there's a clear answer to any of this. if it did happen it's almost definitely unintentional.#it might've just been bad optics. again unintentional. and i don't know how the other girls felt or if they were bothered#so i can't claim to speak to collective experience#I'm just. I'M JUST PACING WONDERING IF I'M CRAZY#also i told them the one day i was available was today and they showed up and proceeded to have nothing for me (or any of the girls) to do#and now i don't even know what i could do. maybe ask the editor if they want an edit assist bc that's one of the roles#siiighhhh#also feel it's important to mention that one of the guys was on the autism spectrum#so i can't tell how much of it was exclusion bc he thinks he's the only one competent enough to do these tasks (and that coincidentally-#-the only other guy in the group is also the only one competent enough to help him)#or if he was just having a relatable social ineptitude moment where he didn't realise the rest of us felt useless and excluded#and i don't know how much that context effects the end result BC I DON'T KNOW IF THIS WAS REAL OR IF I'M JUST A HASHTAG FEMINAZI SJW LIB#UGH#(use of the word feminazi was ironic parody of the way sexists speak pls pls pls don't think i ever talk like that irl)
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#anyway the most exciting conversation I had today was explaining how I managed to fuck up the dog’s haircut#(he’s squirmy that’s it that’s the reason)#moving on though the main issue is I still need like. the crutch of being online almost#and I guess even though it feels awkward and lowkey uncool I’m glad there are apps for people just looking to find friends#downside is I can forget they’re there bc the notifs don’t work great#or I panic because I’m too hyper aware of myself with new people. why can’t this be easy what’s wrong with me#I get embarrassed by how much longer my replies are than the other person’s#I can’t help it I guess#if it’s short I feel like it’s coming off inauthentic so I overcorrect#but then conversation kinda fizzles anyway. which is okay! not everyone will be a winner and that’s fine#I know this and it makes me feel slightly better#still I just feel like. dumb I guess. in all these interactions.#that’s the word. because I’m perfectly comfortable with myself until I feel like i start to notice That Change in someoneone#anyone else who gets told they give off Uncanny Valley energy knows what this is.#like I can tell I did something wrong but on paper I did everything right#and I just kinda fold every time. bc there’s usually no salvaging a conversation past that point.#it’s Not that it’s easier to be alone bc I’m not having a good time clearly but something drives me to keep going despite it all#idk it’s stupid I wish I could just cut this feeling out and detach completely#I know it wouldn’t bother me to be pushed slowly away at least.#I’d really be the person who solved the lament configuration just to Hang Out lmao#I wish I didn’t make posts like these here btw.#that also makes me feel dumb but it’s like if I don’t at least put this down somewhere it’d be worse#I think tomorrow I’ll clean a bit. it’ll be something to do that has a visible result.#not like anything else that’s going on lol
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#im going to crib like always so ignore if you dislike that please#no but the fact that hobi was the most streamed kpop male soloist on spotify is so <3333 plus the most streamed soloist was l*sa and then#he’s next with only a difference of 10M streams or something and that’s when she had so many popular tiktok challenges going on#he could’ve easily crossed that margin was he too properly promoted by his company but alas#im so proud of hobi#but today i realised that majority of this fandom is not going to change#like the fact that none of the big army chart accounts are posting about this because of some drama by jk’s fans#like honestly it’s fine if you wanted jk to be at the top but completely ignoring hobi’s achievements and only posting about l&r’s streams#like…..they are never gonna change#why is this energy only used with hobi ?#for a change saw many big karmy streaming accounts post the tentative streaming playlists for indigo#and once again they didn’t include a single jitb song and rush hour toh they never include only their (when it has been in the top 10 of all#major charts for like more than 2 months now#their logic is that it’s a featuring song but i wonder why this same theory isn’t applied to l&r ?)#well yes so it just proves that they’re going to remain the same and that yesterday’s drama with both the sides blaming e/o was just for a#show#sad#also sad that hobi clearly wanted to tour wanted to perform on stages i mean he clearly said it in his live and yet not one big account is#talking about it#how he was wronged#what will they achieve by defending bh sm ill never understand#ANYWAYS HOBI DID SO WELL AND WE SHALL ALWAYS BE HAPPY FOR HIM even if others aren’t !#and just the fact that despite of all this chaos he managed to top like yaaas that’s jhope and his power !!!
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the only downside to not wearing shoes indoors really do be the fact that if you need to get the fuck out of a place fast bc you're upset for some reason, you have to either stop the process of storming out to put your shoes on or grab the shoes and gtfo just in your socks
#noopa rambles#it has been a Day(tm) lads#still losing my mind over my brother being an inconsiderate jackass earlier today#I mean the post eurovision tired is probably affecting the amount of crying I've been doing#but my god I'm still upset bc he ditched me to visit grandmas alone and didn't tell me about it#anyhow this 'I want to storm out but shoes' has caused issues twice#I can't even remember why it happened the first time it did#I think I had gotten more and more frustrated over some board game at a game night#like it was a new game and they didn't let me read the rules myself and just went with 'oh we'll tell more as we play'#and then they told me smt that I understood Wrong and I just wasn't having a good time#but that time I managed to Not dramatically storm out bc I was like 'can't go out in the finnish winter in your socks'#with a side of 'can't leave the clearly almost equally frustrated friend who has a bunch of stuff behind'#gotta give the buddy in frustration time to collect all craft projects etc before leaving#unity in upset etc etc#also yes I'm aware it's ridiculous to get upset over some random game#but there was also random other shit in the background building up#and I'm a really sore loser and get frustrated easily when I don't understand smt#so I snapped a little
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at this point im so mentally worn out that it genuinely feels like im about to have a minor breakdown in face of the smallest possible inconvenience
i've been so consistently feeling so miserable that i feel like my hair being pink is the only thing keeping me within any semblance of sanity
#2 days ago i almost cried bc i really wanted to make a paperdoll for my DIO zine but i hated everything i drew#i spent 3 hours almost finishing one just to realize i fucking hated it#so i decided to drop the entire thing because i physically and mentally just Couldn't Do It Anymore#i'm so exhausted at this point. this project has completely drained me. im so tired im so tired im so tired#i thought to myself like ok so the special edition zine won't have a paperdoll i still have other stuff#i thought the paperdoll was a really fun idea and i felt so fucking upsetting to let it go but y'know there's the other things#....... so today i got the prototype keychains.#which i needed to make promotional photos on monday#so that people who want to order the special edition zine would know exactly what they're buying#and of course: Vograce Printed The Keychains Wrong#the design was supposed to have some see-through layers which were even clearly included on the design proof THEY sent me#but the keychains just... don't have it. there are no see-through layers. they are just normal coloured layers.#so now i have keychain prototypes that don't look as they should and ok sure i CAN technically still do the photos with these#but the keychain won't look as it should and that bothers me#and i dont want to wait anymore bc i really want to open preorders next week#but i'll have to order prototypes AGAIN bc i still really need to see how the actual keychain would look when it's done right#i'm so tired i am so fucking tired i am so exhausted#i am just. fully expecting to see my printer on monday just to be told he hasn't even opened my email and hasn't printed anything#i was waiting all day for a guy to install better internet for me#i was told he will come today at 11:30#at 1PM i call my internet provider to ask them where the fuck he is#they tell me. 'oh did you not get a message that his visit was rescheduled to 21st?'#i did not. i received no such message. i've already been waiting A MONTH for this faster internet. and now i'll be waiting another 10 day#btw these keychains? i was also waiting all day for the postman to call me and let me know he's at my building#so that i could go get the package#bc our postmen decided that actually they don't want to deliver packages anymore YOU have to go out and get them#he did not call me. he had my number btw. he just didn't call me. he just left a note in my mailbox#meaning that i had to go to the post myself like 5 hours later because that's when packages return to the post office#there were like two more vents in the tags but tumblr nerfed me#bitching about all this in the tags made me feel a little better tbh
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#had an okay writing day for my thesis yesterday and it was a rly nice day overall and then idk. rsd hit i guess and#i went to sleep way too late so ofc today i've been feeling foggy and i haven't written a word and it's 6pm like..............#makes me feel like i wasted the work i did yesterday and i should've gone to my grandpa's bday celebrations yday#even though that didn't feel viable. he sure made me feel like shit for missing it too!#it just feels like see i could've gone and done yday's work today or some shit which ?? but sure#i just know myself and im p unbearable to be around rn/when im stressed/on a deadline so yk. + travel time + adjusting plus socialising...#also had a long talk w/ my friends yday and it was nice and it was all about how you experience consciousness but also idk.#also i keep being so sharp and kinda mean to one of my friends and it's sooooooooo she says it's fine and it's not that bad but ughhhhhhh#im sure the core of this spiral is i just rly don't like myself and i think im right not to so like. what now#and none of this even matters like. get it toGETHER#also adhd meds aren't magically fixing my life so that's another scam (but ok they DO help at least i can actually write and think then)#anyways.#i think it's. feeling this & hating myself and my friend talking about how they're past that and life is still hard for them#and it's not about me but it does make me feel stupid like true all my problems are self-made not even circumstancial like.#also feel like i keep saying the wrong thing to people and i keep messing up my words lately and boooooooo idk#anyways im ok i just don't wanna moan abt this to anyone specifically but clearly im stuck so yk?#should i share more nice moments here too??? i just always feel like whatever emotion im feeling disappears when i share it so???#maybe bc i overthink it then or whatever#but i can!! maybe i should#for yday: had a rly rly fun convo with a friend who gave me the wildest updates ever + spent time with 2 of my best friends#+ smelled the flowers and that v v specific spring to summer air and felt the sun on my face#FINE maybe therapists have a point
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the plot has been thickening too much lately. yeah it's too thick now. we should add some water maybe. thinnen that thick ass plot.
#one of her friends who she talked to after i asked her to prom#sits next to my two best friends in physics#and today he was like 'haha so yall found out who ruby likes then'#and they got to talking abt it and they told him how were just going as friends and he was apparently shocked bc of how she reacted#after i asked like what she said to him after#he thinks shes into me and i have no idea what to think bc the reasons we arent going as dates have nothing to do with me#but idk if theres a secret third thing 'im also not into u like that'#he seems to be convinced otherwise#im back at square one! i have no idea how she feels! except at least she liked me enough in general to be absolutely thrilled to go to prom#with me. god bless#im still overwraught with joy at that either way mind you. especially with all that our mutual friend says about what she said to him#but you see how the plot is too thick#i feel like its wrong of me to still be worried abt her feelings abt me when she clearly said with valid reasoning that she doesnt wanna#date or be dates to prom and just go as friends#but i cant help wondering bc if she wants to be with me but feels she cant for whatever reason i dont want her to feel that way#but i feel like this sounds like i dont respect her decision! i do!! and it seems ungrateful!!!! god the fact that she knows i love her-#and i told her i really like her but she must be able to tell i love her-#she knows i love her and she still cares about me. enough to be thrilled and happy about going to prom with me! and if its that she just#doesnt have romantic feelings for me thats OKAY i am blessed enough that shes in my life. that she WANTS TO BE IN MY LIFE.#and if its that she does but she doesnt want to act on them for reasons beyond me thats also OKAY i would wait a thousand years for her if#its what would make her comfortable and happy#just knowing she knows i love her and she still likes me is enough no matter what else but#its the not knowing thats killing me#its killing me. but i am so full of joy this whole day i have been full with it#my friends are proud of me i feel brave and fulfilled#i pass faces of people who know us both in the halls and i know they all know i love her#and i havent seen her since i asked nor spoken since she clarified over snapchat#tomorrow i will though. and i have no idea how things will be.#i feel like im going crazy but by god its wonderful
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When Sophia rang this morning, she said she'd slept on the couch, still in yesterday's clothes, had knocked over the coffee and it had spilt everywhere and everything was wet and she couldn't even light her cigarette and
#normal people problems#also my work emails had a fit today and i clearly need to resign and i hate everything and#i could tell Sophia was in a bad mood when she rang at 5 minutes to 5pm and yet that's when i told her I'm leaving early next Monday#and that i have an exam on the 8th#she's like 'what exam?????' Jesus Christ Sophia i already mentioned it to you#it's just so hard to train the new girl#sure I'm being a baby about it all but it's just so hard and i hate it and Sophia rings every two seconds telling me to do something else#so I'm doing like several things at once and the new girl is obviously confused and i just#Jenette and Colleen did so much like not huge things just a whole lot of little things and i can barely keep up with everything#and then to show a new girl how to do things#like it takes double the amount of time to explain#aw man i didn't even put the petty cash money away#or send out the correspondence#everything's so much up to shit#i just#i feel so awful though because I'm definitely not doing enough and i know Sophia needs me to do more (invoices) but i just#I'm so dumb and everything is a mess and#i barely take lunch breaks like just eat kitkats and freddos and juice throughout the day that's it#also he barely talks to me in the office and i have to be around a married couple but at least i get to banter with Tony sometimes#Tony come on tell me about your girlfriend and we'll double date I've seen she's the man i know how double dates work#I'm violet as a boy and he is eunice and Tony is Channing Tatum and his girlfriend is Olivia and#i see nothing wrong with this
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