#he’s so annoying and thinks he’s better than anybody else to the point of unprofessionalism

[ifeelfreewithoutmyshoes]

Nothing like giving a course evaluation to dig up old hatred

[mst3kproject]

802: The Leech Woman - Part I

I tend to get all social-justice-y on this blog, so it will probably come as a surprise to you that I kinda like this movie.  I won’t pretend for a moment that The Leech Woman is not stupid and offensive, but something about it absolutely fascinates me.

Dr. Paul Talbot, an endocrinologist, is searching for a cure for Old.  This is at least partly because it will make him ludicrously rich, but also because his wife June has turned forty and he’s no longer attracted to her.  An old woman, Malla, tells the Talbots that her people, the Nando, know the secret of renewed youth.  They therefore follow her to Fake Africa where they learn that the Cure for Old has two ingredients: the pollen of a rare orchid, and a human pineal gland, scooped from a still-living brain.  Is June willing to commit murder in order to be young and beautiful again?  You bet your sweet booty she is!

I was kind of surprised when my word processor didn’t underline ‘Nando’.  I googled it, and apparently Nando’s is a South African restaurant famous for their ‘Peri-Peri Chicken.’  You learn something every day.

This movie is gross on so many levels.  It hates everybody.  Its ‘Africans’ are primitive mystics in loincloths and skull headdresses, its women are domineering and predatory, its men abusers, criminals, and dull-ass ciphers. I hardly know where to start.  In fact, the badness of The Leech Woman is so complex and pervasive that I think we’ve got another multi-part series here.  In this review, I’m going to talk about the characters.  Next week, I’ll go on to other stuff.

The Leech Woman is, of course, not the first movie I’ve watched in which there is no hero… but I’m not just talking about this being another film in which the so-called ‘hero’ doesn’t do anything.  This is more like The Amazing Transparent Man in that there is literally nobody in the film who can be described as ‘good’.  It’s not a movie about good overcoming evil, it’s a movie about evil destroying itself.  That’s probably part of the reason why I find it so interesting, as it’s an unusual way to approach a narrative, and The Leech Woman shows an astonishing amount of commitment to it.  We’ve seen a number of movies on MST3K where the good guys really aren’t important but there’s still somebody, usually a dull cop or reporter, who theoretically fills that role.  The Leech Woman doesn’t even have one of those.

Let’s take a look at our cast, shall we?  We’ve basically got six important characters: Paul and June Talbot, David the jungle guide, Malla, Neil the lawyer, and Neil’s fiancée Sally.  I think I’ll start with the men.  They’re all terrible.

The first character who speaks is Paul, and the first thing he says is to insult his wife, sneering at her about her drinking.  The conversation that follows tells us not only that they hate each other, but that Paul seems to have married June primarily so he could experiment on her, and is pissed that she doesn’t want to let him.  Then while June is hurt, drunk, and vulnerable, he goes from insulting her to fawning over her, softening her up so that he can return to emotionally abusing her later.  When, on the trip to Africa, she accuses him of ignoring her, he tells her she’s imagining it.  He’s also deeply unprofessional at work, insulting and scoffing at Malla when she’s there in response to his request for research subjects.

Of course, Paul is a villain in this story.  We’re glad to see him go, and the nice irony of him not living to see June rejuvenated is one of the few things The Leech Woman does right.  His detestable traits are so cartoonishly overblown, though, that it’s really hard to take him seriously as a character.  Paul comes across more than anything else as a plot device, a necessary stepping stone for June to come into contact with the Nando and their youth pollen.  Once he’s served that purpose he’s no longer needed.  Nobody misses him, and June never shows the slightest trace of regret, immediately attaching herself to David instead.

David starts off seeming like a slightly better person than Paul, since he treats June like a human being and attempts to offer her some actual comfort after she fights with her husband.  Then he goes steadily downhill.  He steals the youth pollen and the ring at a moment when he should be worrying about them getting out of there alive, and then when June ages again, he not only refuses to give them to her, he runs away.  I guess he’s supposed to do this because he realizes he’s the only person around she could tap for pineal juice, but at this point we have no evidence that she’s willing to do that.  She didn’t even watch while the Nando killed Paul.  Instead, it looks for all the world like David runs because he’s physically repulsed by her, or because he’s afraid she’s going to infect him with Old.

Finally, there’s Neil.  I think we’re supposed to like Neil… I think we’re supposed to see him as a nice guy destroyed by a scheming woman, but the truth is that Neil destroys himself.  The moment he sees young June, in her disguise as ‘Terri’, come up to him, he throws all decency out the window and practically follows her around drooling for the rest of the movie.  When his fiancée points out, understandably, that this is unacceptable behaviour, he treats her exactly as Paul had treated June, telling her that she’s imagining things. All these things stack up against us liking Neil, and he displays no redeeming qualities to offset then… in fact, other than being easily led by his dick, he has no qualities at all.  He’s a cardboard cutout with ‘handsome guy’ written on it.

Of course, none of these men are a point-of-view character in the story. The Leech Woman is a story about women, so how about them?  Well, unsurprisingly they’re terrible too.  Malla uses the Talbots to get her back to Africa and then tries to have them killed, and clearly has no problem with the whole ‘a man must die to make her young’ thing.  The Nando as a culture are used to this idea, but Malla didn’t grow up with that – she was raised in the west, where people would definitely not be okay with it.  If the men were shown to be willing sacrifices this might not be quite so bad (although it still wouldn’t be okay), but no, the guy we see is struggling as he’s held down and drugged.

As for Sally, the movie evidently wants us to think she’s a nagging harpy.  It doesn’t quite succeed, because of the way Neil drools after ‘Terri’. Sally has every right to be worried, impatient, and annoyed, especially when he brushes off her concerns the way he does.  Instead, what’s terrible about Sally is the way she offhandedly threatens Neil (“you better not try anything like that if you want to stay in one piece”) and seems to view him as a possession rather than a partner.  When he admits he prefers ‘Terri’, Sally’s plan is to send this woman away until she and Neil can marry, as if signing his name to the paperwork means he can never escape from her again.  He belongs to her now.  She has a receipt.

I assume that Neil and Sally met through Paul, but until the point where they turn up at the airport, we never see them together and have no indication they know each other exists. The impression I get is that the Bride of Neil was originally going to be a different character, but they couldn't afford another actress.

Then there’s June.  The Leech Woman is obviously her story – she’s in almost every scene, and is the one with a bit of a character arc.  It’s possible that we see Paul as unsubtly evil and Sally as a paranoid bitch because that’s how June sees them.  If anybody’s the protagonist, it’s her, but she is never, ever likable even in a villainous sort of way. We root for her to destroy Paul because we hate him too, but everything she does is awful and like the other characters, she doesn’t have any good characteristics to offset it.

When we first meet her, she’s a self-pitying drunk. She is so badly-treated by Paul that by the time it looks like she’s going to have him killed and run off with David, we’re all for it.  Then her downhill spiral begins as she murders David for his pineal.  This is supposed to be a surprise and a demonstration that June is irredeemable, and it works as far as it goes, but it leaves us with no interest in her affair with Neil.  We don’t root for them to get together because it’s obviously impossible, and we cannot believe that this is some great tragic love when they’ve only just met. It’s just a couple of selfish idiots being selfish idiots.

After the way Paul has treated June, we understand why she enjoys seeing men doing her bidding.  She’s always been ignored and disregarded, so she derives great joy from being able to make people pay attention.  She uses beauty to wrap Neil around her little finger, and wealth to do the same to the would-be robber.  She knows she’s ruining Neil’s life by seducing him as ‘Terri’, and she seems positively gleeful about that.  The problem is that she’s not really trying to accomplish anything through this manipulation.  She has no long-term plan, it’s just all-out hedonism, and when she finds herself cornered, she commits suicide.  June never learns anything from any of this, and nobody else learns anything from her. At the end, she’s just pointlessly destroyed a number of lives, including her own, and it’s hard to say what the audience is supposed to take from that.

And man, that’s just the dramatis personae!  I have way more to complain about in The Leech Woman, so stay tuned.  Next week I’ll be back in SJW mode with a vengeance.  See you then!

[urielmark143-blog]

First Entry

I guess this will be my first blog in this platform. If anyone . . . or if someone out there is wondering why I decided to create an account here, it is because I just want to express my emotions in a way that no one or at least none of the people who knows me will be able to read. If you are also wondering why I have to make a blog that is not intended to be shared, that is because I want to express myself freely and without restraint. Most, if not all, of the people I know always want to be happy and they want people around them to be happy. That is why most of them like to enjoy; living their life like there’s no problem at all. It’s not that I oppose of that of lifestyle; it just seemed like everyone is purposely making a distraction to avoid facing what’s really in front of them. If it were me a few months ago, I would have lived just like the way they do; not caring about my problems and having fun. But one thing made me realize what I was doing was not really making me feel better, it was love. For those who are quick to judge, let me explain my situation first.

            Ever since I was young, I have always been the “sensitive” kid. It was easy for people to make me cry and to be honest, I really cried a lot back then. However, due to the fact that I’m a dude (or at least that’s what I’m supposed to be), other people, especially my parents, find it unsightly. So they raised me to become strong and tough; to hide my emotions and keep them all bottled up. But just like a bottle of soda, shake it hard enough and once you open the lid, there’s bound to be consequences. . . and people who’ll get wet. That lifestyle didn’t turn out quite well for me and as a result, I became a person who could not express myself to others properly. This is also the reason why I have my girly voice, because it was not trained enough that it did not develop in the slightest.

            Growing up, I could never say what I really wanted to say and would often tell a lie or not talk at all. I could never make a good relationship with anyone and is sometimes oblivious about what other people feel about certain things. If there was one good thing that came out of my lifestyle, its the fact that it made me a better liar than anybody else I know and it also made me good at keeping secrets. Just like my friends right now, I had fun like I had no problem at all; tried to forget everything and come back even more sad and lonely after the party’s over. 

            Years passed and I became a lot less sensitive person, not because I was able to properly manage my emotions but because I became ignorant and clueless about it. The only emotions I know were the happiness and the heart-piercing, back-stabbing, sharp pain of sadness and emptiness that came soon after. Even as I was getting bullied and looked down upon by other people, I still pretended that everything was fine. I was able to maintain the facade until I grew up.

             As I was leaving my teenage life and started look forward to being an adult, there were many things I started to consider; college, employment, money. It was an understatement to say that I was not prepared for this. Everybody had dreams and goals they want to achieve while me? I had no direction to follow. It didn’t feel like it was real at all. I was the irregular homeboy whose only domain was the four corners of his room but now, I have to become a part of the workforce. As a result of not being able to cope up with the progress around me, I tried multiple courses, dropped out of college, did jobs here and there, but even with the thing I did, I still couldn’t feel that I was an adult, everything still felt unreal and then the real issue came when I had my first decent job. It was a call center that had a decent pay. I was able to successfully make it through their employment process and got hired. The only problem was, I could perform my job well. Little by little it took a piece of my sanity every time I had to deal with angry and annoying customers but I kept going. I was able to stay there for more than a year but due to my immaturity, there were things that became too hard for me to handle. I won’t go into details as to why thing became too hard for me but just know that the main reason why it happened was because of my lack of maturity in handling those kinds of situations.

            As a result, I began showing signs of having depression. I was having trouble in doing my job right and handling things properly and it felt like I was biting off more than I can chew. In the end, I decided that if I stayed there for much longer, I would eventually end up losing my sanity. I left my job without even handing as much as a resignation letter. I know it was very inadequate and unprofessional but at that point in time, that was the best thing that I can come up with in order to relieve myself of the stress and negative emotions I’ve been carrying.

            Luckily, a good opportunity came to me, I was able to continue my college this time around, I am determined to finish what I started. The only problem was, this also became the avenue for me to meet someone who unintentionally made a huge impact in my life. That’s right, after the very long narration, this is the part where I will tell you about him and why I fell in love. To be fair, it’s not the kind of love that you were thinking of . . . probably. Despite our obvious differences, and his dark past, we actually have a lot of things in common. The only differences are his age and maturity in handling things; he is also a bit aggressive (in all kind of sense) but is kind and approachable (once you get past his annoying voice and his intimidating stance). We became good friends, we hang out and eventually, our relationship got stronger. The problem started when I started to feel more strongly about him, I’d get more jealous every time he hangs out with other people and would always feel left out every time he’s with his other friends. I was becoming too obsessed that it was no longer healthy being with him. I was trying to figure out why this happened and why now but as I began to realize the root cause of the problem, I started distancing myself from him. The reason was actually because he was the first person I ever really bonded with without any reservation. I had a lot of friend all throughout the years but the bond that we had was probably the strongest because it was not built in lies and deception. We were honest with one another and because of my inability to express myself truthfully and because of my pride; I couldn’t bear to tell him how I truly feel. Because if I did, everyone would think that I have romantic feelings towards him. I guess you can call this the curse of being bi; you can’t have straight friends or else people will think you have feelings for them. I will probably regret this decision but I don’t want to sully the friendship we once had. A friend or not, I can’t deny the fact that I loved him and I still do but as long as I have this lingering emotions and as long as the perception of other people changes, I have no choice but to continue to keep my distance, not only for the sake of our friendship but also for myself and my emotional well-being. A day might come where he will begin to hate me and move on with his life but what I hold within me are the memories we once shared and the slight glimpse of happiness I felt when we were together.

            Bottom-line is that even though I am struggling with my emotions, I still am able to figure things out even though it’s not on the best way. I’m still trying to figure things out and I do hope that one day I will be able to speak my mind more truthfully and have a good grip of my emotions to avoid these things from happening again. As for this issue, although things are still rough, it is getting better. He’s happy where he’s currently at and if people would stop teasing me every now and then, it will eventually pass. I can’t necessarily avoid him but I do hope he is always happy and in return I will be happy and contented as well with what I currently have.

P.S. This was a long one!!

[mentallydefectivepotato-blog]

Team Fortress 2 Fanfic

We wrote a heavyxmedic+ sniperxspy fanfic for TF2′s birthday. Beware, there is ANGST.

When the snow falls

It was a specially freezing day at coldfront, snow slowly and silently falling from the gray sky above and turning the scenery white. Regardless of that, the mercenaries still had to fight, it was their obligation, their job. Among them, one was less bothered by the weather, as he was used to it: the Heavy. Eating his Sandvich while they were waiting for the next round to start, the RED contemplated the landscape, which reminded him of his dear home, but, to him, something just didn’t seem right.

During such a dreary day, the only thing that could make him happy was seeing his medic, or, as the Russian called him, “his doktor”. The man in question, Ludwig, sat at the desk located inside the RED base’s meeting room, along with his team’s engineer and spy, discussing the strategy they would use, even though they knew that the rest of their team wouldn’t follow it anyway. After the meeting had ended, the German met up with him, and they started to chat.

“How is your day, doktor?” heavy asked, adopting a cheerful tone as soon as he saw his boyfriend. Some would think of their relationship as unprofessional, but they didn’t care at all, for that their love overcame others’ criticism.

“Vell, zhe other team’s spy has been annoying me, I have been backstabbed so many times lately.” the medic protested, gesturing widely to emphasize his displeasure.

“Sorry for not protecting you. Next time I will punch him so much, he will never touch you again” the other affirmed, with a noticeable irritated tone, as if he was mad not only at the BLU spy, but at his own incapacity of protecting his lover.

Surely, the BLU spy was hated by the whole RED team, and even by some of his own teammates. Partially because nobody trusted spies, but also because of his cocky personality. Actually, he wasn’t a complete douchebag inside, but the only one who knew this was his team’s sniper. They weren’t seen as really close friends by the other mercenaries but, in reality, they were more than that: lovers.

Their conversation was abruptly interrupted by the administrator, as the speakers announced “Mission begins in 10 seconds.”. Ludwig prepared his Medi Gun and kissed his boyfriend in the cheek, wishing him good luck. Meanwhile, the other mercenaries prepared themselves to get out of spawn and run into the frigid snow.

“We will win this round, doktor! If you are with me, nothing can stop us!” assured Misha, embracing his significant other deeply and lovingly, just as he used to do before all the battles.

“Yes, I am sure of it.” replied the man in a white coat, giving the other a light peck on his lips. “Let’s kill them all, mein liebe.”

“Eww! Get a room, you two!” the scout interrupted, feeling uncomfortable. The couple ignored him and the bostonian boy decided to give up.

Meanwhile, in BLU team’s base, all of the mercenaries were also getting ready for the action. Sniper, sitting on a chair, was observing the battlefield, analyzing which positions would be the best for him to prepare his sniper nest. He was so focused that he didn’t even notice that spy was looking at him with a lustful smile. Finally, he got up so that he could position himself in a good place, as the beginning of the battle approached. Soon after doing so, the Australian bumped into his French lover.

“Since when have you been there, spook?!” asked the man in shades, almost having a heart attack

“Ha, have you only noticed it now? I’ve been there for quite a time.” a smug grin made its way to the man’s face.

“And doing what, wanker?”

“Admiring my dear bushman, of course.” spy winked and stole a kiss from his lover, catching him off guard and making him blush like mad.

“Piss off! What are you-”

“Five. Four. Three. Two. One.” the Administrator declared the beginning of the battle.

“Uh… Snipes, you ok? Your face looks like a fuckin’ tomato.” scout questioned.

“…Sure, mate. I’m fine.” sniper recomposed himself and looked around, searching for his boyfriend, but the assassin had already vanished like smoke.

Both teams ran out to the battlefield, heading to the control point in the center of the map, while the engineers placed their sentry nests at their respective teams’ control points. It was, despite of the exceptionally cold weather, an ordinary day, with bullets, explosives and fire everywhere. And so the battle continued, blood splattering all over the ground and painting the snow crimson red.

While everybody was in the frontlines, spilling blood and sacrificing themselves so that their team would be able to advance, the BLU spy was armed with His Eternal Reward,  infiltrating through the enemy base, sneaking so that no one would could see him. As he wore a Dead Ringer, he couldn’t turn invisible, so, with extra carefulness, he waited for the chance of getting a disguise.

However, on his way to RED’s headquarters, the Frenchman found the enemy medic by himself. From the man’s appearance and location, it seemed that he had gotten separated from the rest of his team after being chased down by a pyro. The doctor soon noticed the Frenchman’s presence and turned his attention to him.

“Spy! I vill kill you zhis time!”

“Oh? I didn’t think we would meet so soon, mon ami. I still haven’t wiped the blood of my knife from the last time I killed you.” the backstabber mocked.

Furious, medic abruptly rushed forward in an enraged, screaming display and pierced through the provoker with his ubersaw, taking him by surprise. Quickly, the BLU activated his Dead Ringer and moved away, while hearing his attacker boast about his skill and laugh at his fake dead body.

Seeing his victim distracted, he took the opportunity and backstabbed him right at the bottom of the stairs in front of the RED control point. The light bulbs shining brightly at the ceiling were the only witnesses of the incident. As soon as he did this, spy heard a voice he knew very well. With an indifferent tone, it declared: “The respawn has stopped working. Try to keep yourselves alive, or else you won’t come back.”

Upon hearing so, the mercenary got paralyzed. He had killed the RED medic and knew he was gone forever. The French looked at his own hands and trembled: he was a murderer. Of course, he had already killed many people before, but this time it was… different. It felt wrong. The spy knew his victim too well to look at the situation impersonally, and, above all, he also knew how much the RED heavy loved the doctor. For the first time, he felt guilty for taking someone’s life, for the suffering his actions would cause.

Then, suddenly, the RED heavy came running nervously through the base’s door, scanning his surroundings and passing by the crates and barrels scattered around the place. Apparently, he was looking for someone. The only thing the spy could suspect was that the Russian had come to save his lover, alerted by his screams. The French pitied the man, as he knew better than anyone how painful it would be to lose the one you love. Then, turning to the fake German, the RED said:

“Doktor, I heard you scream, you are good?” he was panting and had a concerned look on his face.

“Oh, Heavy, zhere jou are, I am glad I found you, I was worried about zhis announcement too, but now zhat I am with jou, we are safe.” Spy replied, hiding the remorse he felt. “I ran into spy, but now that dummkopf is finally dead, look!” He pointed at his own corpse, imitating medic’s psychopathic grin perfectly.

“So you screamed because of this, heavy is happy doktor is ok now.” answered the heavy in a relieved, unsuspecting manner.

In the meantime, everyone from the BLU base was searching for their teammates, frightened by the announcement that the Administrator had made. Finally, the whole group managed to meet at the spawn and gathered at the dimly lit meeting room, but when soldier was finally able to count the members and said that no one was missing, sniper contested:

“I think you forgot someone, mate. Dontcha miss the stink of cigarettes?” the sarcastic smile he always had on his face while badmouthing the spy was one of the reasons people didn’t think the two of them liked each other very much.

Indeed, everyone seemed to be there, but spy. Even though he was disliked by almost all of his colleagues, he was still their partner, and they were afraid he could be actually dead, forever. At first they didn’t think this was the case, as the Frenchman used to disappear often, but this assumption was confirmed by the fact that scout, while going back to his base, saw spy’s body inside the RED base.

“Oh, so the bloody frog is finally dead?” demoman asked jokingly.

“Oh, c’mon, man, now that that fricking spy is finally gone, we won’t have to suspect anybody else.” scout replied.

“Haha, so we won’t have to see that wanker again?” the Australian added, smirking.

“That’s right, boy. Phew, this man really got on mah nerves!” engineer chuckled.

“Mmmph mmph...” pyro sounded upset by the fact, as if he mourned the death of his friend.

However, deep inside, sniper was heartbroken. His one and only love in his whole life was gone, forever. And the rest of the team seemed unbothered by that fact, and even happy, this was what hurt him the most. Besides that, he had to act as if he didn’t care: he was a professional.

Both teams, thinking about the earlier announcement and the consequences it would have in their lives, stayed in their respective bases, afraid of going out and not coming back. The world seemed dark and ominous and the atmosphere was quiet and heavy. Immerse in their thoughts, a loud voice woke them up from their momentary calm moment, loudly speaking:

“Time to fight! Idling is not allowed. Get up and move!” the Administrator ordered, and so everyone did, not wanting to disobey her.

Very cautiously, the mercenaries got out of their respective spawns and advanced towards the middle control point. The BLU sniper took some moments longer to pull the will he needed to walk towards a high cliff, his sniper nest, and start working again. Taking a deep breath, he zoomed in his Machina and looked for REDs. In reality, the Australian wasn’t attempting to shoot anyone, as taking someone’s life wasn’t his intention.

Meanwhile, the BLU spy, disguised as an enemy medic, was trying his best to pretend he was the real one. If heavy found out his lover was gone, and because of him, the French would certainly get killed, and that clearly wasn’t what he wanted. He felt sorry for taking his German boyfriend’s life away, and thus, continued acting so that the Russian  wouldn’t feel so lonely. As the impostor heard the Administrator saying that they would have to fight again, he knew he was in trouble. He had to escape, but wouldn’t be capable of taking another life to do so, the guilt he felt was already overwhelming.

The RED heavy, followed by spy, was heading to the frontlines, ready for the combat. Looking for a chance to sneak away and run back to his base, the masked BLU waited at the RED spawn. Noticing how the fake medic was standing still strangely instead of following him, the heavy called him out:

“Doktor! Come help me!” his voice held the affection he had for his lover.

To avoid any suspicion, spy acted accordingly. At some point around the exit though, he pretended to be injured and tried to come up with an excuse to run back to his base.

“Heavy, go ahead, I vill just take a health pack over there and then meet you again.” he lied, hoping that heavy would leave him alone so that he could flee.

“No, doktor, it is dangerous here, I will come with you.” the bulky man answered. “I will not lose you.” he then embraced the French gently.

And that’s when spy’s life went downhill. Heavy remembered the scent of roses and cigarettes he had smelt earlier and found out the true identity of his “teammate”. At the moment the BLU’s disguise wore off, he could see a long dagger embroidered with oriental ornaments in his right hand, dirtied with blood. The Russian suddenly realized his lover was dead, and the man in front of him was an impostor and murderer. The French tried, in a moment of despair, to pick up his Dead Ringer, but the other mercenary instantaneously took it off his hand. He grabbed the BLU violently by his collar and roared:

“Dirty spy, you killed my doktor?!”

“It was... not my intention… I’m very sorry for your loss…” spy looked down, as if he was trying to excuse himself of his actions.

“Why did you do that?! You know he will never come back!” heavy already was in the verge of tears. His anguish and suffering could be felt in his words. No physical pain he had ever felt before could compare to the one he felt inside him at that instant: All he could think  was “Why?! Why him?!”.

“It was right before the respawn stopped working, I swear I didn’t mean to take his life away, forever.” the endangered mercenary tried to apologize for what he had done, but it didn’t seem to work.

Heavy knocked the BLU to the wall and started hitting him, expressing all the fury, bitterness and sorrow he felt. The French didn’t even react, as he felt miserable and disgusting: he deserved it, he was a murderer. The RED was suffering, so he would have to go through it too. His mind was clouded and his eyes were empty, he just waited for his enemy to kill him, and then it all would be over.

The Russian couldn’t ratiocinate, hatred and desire for revenge took over him. At the same time, beautiful recordations that had been shared with medic emerged from his mind, which only made his misery worsen: their fights side by side, their gentle, warm hugs and kisses, the sweet words they had once shared. These things would never come back, and he knew it. He knew it and it hurt.

Spy’s consciousness was fading, his senses were weakening, but, in the middle of the chaos, a thought crossed his mind. What about sniper, his lover? He was surely waiting for him to come back, so that they could share kind words and gestures after the battle as they always did, so that they could hug each other and share a drink after a long, stressful day. If he never came back, how would he feel?

That thought was what gave him will to live. The one thing that made him struggle to survive, the only thing that still mattered to him. Spy tried to free himself of the bigger man, just so that he wouldn’t get crushed against the wall.

The commotion the fight caused made sniper get up from his nest and head closer to the source of it in an attempt to find out what was happening. When he believed that nothing would be able to surprise him, he had a view that sent a chill through his bones. Seeing his lover pressed against the wall and getting fiercely punched by the RED, he quickly scoped his Machina and aimed it at the enemy’s head, in hopes of saving the Frenchman. For the first time in his life, his hands shook as he held the rifle. Thousands of thoughts crossed his mind. He didn’t understand what was going on and how spy was still alive, he just knew he had to act, and quickly.

Bang.

The shot went right through heavy’s head…

… But also ended up hitting spy’s chest.

Sniper rapidly walked down the stairs and runned towards his beloved, holding him tight in his arms. He felt the blood that had soaked the mercenary’s blue suit and was flowing out of his body. Tears immediately filled the Australian’s eyes as he looked at spy, who tried his best to fake a confident smile.

“What is wrong, bushman? That is not usual of you, ‘cheer up, mate!’”

“You bloody spook, why d’you always have to be so careless?” he shouted.

“Sorry, mon cher, it seems I couldn’t run this time, as the filthy snake I am, right?” the French replied sarcastically.

“Please, stop this, can’t you take this seriously and be sincere for once? I-I’m so scared, please, don’t leave me…”

“Before… before I go, I just want to tell you something.” spy whispered, his words sounded honest and urgent.

“...........................................”

“What? I-I can’t hear you.”

Sniper leaned in to hear exactly what the dying man was trying to say, and, in that moment, spy pulled him to a passionate and tender kiss. Though the French’s strength was fading, as he had lost a lot of blood, he still gripped his beloved firmly. Both stayed like this, enjoying the last moments they would have together. Then, spy loosened his hand from sniper’s and closed his eyes.

“You bloody spook, don’t you dare die, bloody hell!” panicking, the Australian couldn’t do anything to help the other. His teammates were too far to help, the blood loss had been too significant.

“Au revoir, mon amour. We shall meet again.”

Spy was gone.

He was dead and nothing could be done to change this. Sniper analyzed his situation. The one and only he had loved for his entire life was dead, by his own fault. Maybe if he wasn’t so nervous when aiming at heavy, he wouldn’t have hit spy too. If his hands weren’t trembling that much, if the tears weren’t blurring his vision… But none of this mattered anymore. The actions he had made couldn’t be modified.

The Australian breathed deeply and tried to focus. What would he do now? The respawn was broken and he hadn’t only killed one person, but two, one of which was his own teammate. He was a murderer, they would never come back. Heavy was, obviously, an enemy, who was attempting to kill spy, but he was still a human. And spy, oh, his own lover, was killed by his very hands. The French was the reason sniper laughed, cried, got angry and annoyed; he made him feel like he had a place in that world. Without him, he would be incomplete, his life would lose its purpose.

Sniper tried to imagine the rest of his life without his boyfriend. It would be dull, dreadful, and colorless, without the joy spy used to bring. And what’s more, what would the rest of the team, if there was still a team after this bloodbath, think about what he did?  They would be terrified by the fact that he had killed two men; he wouldn’t, under any circumstances, be forgiven by his crimes.

He inhaled once more. There was only one way out of this. He reached for spy’s revolver, which was right besides him, lying on the floor, and pointed it at his own head.

“So, in the end, I’ll be able to meet you.” those were his last words. Then he pulled the trigger.

[diyunho]

The Joker x Reader - “I Love You”

You never miss a chance to say the magic words to him. The Joker doesn’t want to hear about it but you are not the one to give up so easily. Actually… I guess anybody can back down if pushed enough.

– During an important meeting with new business partners, Frost interrupts and brings in a little envelope to J, whispering you said it is absolutely urgent and imperative he opens it right away. The Joker wonders what the hell it might be, opens the letter and shakes it to take out the contents when a bunch of pink glitter flies all over along with your message on  a piece of paper: “I LOVE YOU.” The other guys fake cough, attempting to pretend they didn’t see crap while The Clown Prince of Crime gives them an icy glance, annoyed with your stunt:

“If I hear a single sound, I swear you’re all dead!!!!”

Goddammit woman, stop your shit! he thinks biting on his cheek, dusting off the sparkly dust off his shirt, but stashing your little note in his pocket.

– You are away on a mission for 2 days when his cell suddenly goes off at 1 AM, letting him now he has a new message. He is more than cranky he got woken up and checks to see what it is. A text from you: “ I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.”

You must be kidding me! J growls, pissed you bothered him with such nonsense but saves the message in his drafts and goes back to sleep.

– One night he visits the club without you and gets out of his Lamborghini when the phone beeps.

What is it, the stupid words again?!  he scoffs when he sees your name on the screen.

“Look up!” the text simply says and he does, noticing the huge light up message on the top of the building across the street; “I LOVE YOU.”

This is getting beyond ridiculous, The Joker huffs but takes a picture of what you did and saves it in his favorites.

– After taking a shower in the morning, J goes in the front of the sink to brush his teeth and finally gazes at the mirror. There it is, written with red lipstick: “I LOVE YOU.”

He rolls his eyes, fed up with your behavior and erases the words, not before that wide smirk creeps up on his lips. He hears you giggle and goes back to frowning:

“Cut it out, Y/N!!!”

– You bring the white mocha to his office and place it right on top of his papers. J stares at it for a few seconds and sighs, lifting his blue eyes from the cup, complaining about what you wrote with foam: “I LOVE YOU.”

“Are you done with this rubbish, Princess?” he mutters while you just innocently lift your shoulders up, not answering. “Bring me another mocha and NO FUNNY BUSINESS, understand?”

You pout, disappointed he never appreciates your efforts and by the time you are back with his new coffee The Joker already finished the other cup.

“What?” he snarls when notices your smile. “Don’t get it to your head, Doll, I really couldn’t wait any longer so I had to drink it; you’re so slow!” he makes sure to admonish but kisses your wrist when you hand him the mug.

–During a heist you go with a few henchmen on the upper floor while he stays down with the rest, looking around for the diamonds and gold. You go behind a wall and dial his number. He picks up after 3 rings and you just say; “I LOVE YOU,” and hang up.

Really?! The Joker mumbles, astonished at your unprofessional conduct (that’s how he likes to call it). He simply texts back: “Shut up, Y/N!”

And… he asked for it when your reply pops up on the screen: ““ I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.”

I totally can’t stand her; she really drives me nuts, he concludes, irked at your game, but saves this message in drafts too.

– J wakes up and his feet touch something cold and pretty sharp when he gets out of bed. You got him a ton of gold chains and arranged them on the floor to spell “I LOVE YOU.” His mouth opens on amazement, considering chocking the life out of you at this point. Your green haired boyfriend kicks the chains all over the place, mad again, but not before taking a picture of your accomplishment and saving it in his favorites. He hears you snicker.

“I said cut it out, Y/N!!!!”

– “Bubble bath is readyyyyyy,” you announce, proud of the nice evening you planned for the two of you.

J comes in, taking his clothes off, suspiciously scrutinizing the bathroom.

“Any hidden ‘I love you’ anywhere?” he smacks his lips, warning you he’s not going to tolerate your actions anymore. He had such a shitty day it’s not even funny.

“Nope,” you confidently declare, moving back in the Jacuzzi so he can sit by you.“Nothing at all, baby.” He’s starting to relax when you massage his shoulders, then lean over and kiss his neck, whispering: “I LOVE YOU.”

“That’s it !!!” he splashes all over, angered at your little stupid plan to squeeze in those stupid words again. “Quit bothering me, you pain in the ass!!!”

“What, you don’t want me to love you?” you raise your voice also, not understanding why he’s so worked up.

“I didn’t say that!” he yells back and you are baffled.

“So what’s the problem then?!”

“STOP SAYING IT!” he hisses at you, panting. “Why should I?! Aren’t you happy that I love you?!”

“NO! I don’t need your stupid love!!!!!” The Joker has a fit, kicking all the candles and shampoo bottles in his rage, making sure to direct them your way.

You gasp in pain when one of the candles hits you right in the face since you didn’t have enough time to dodge it. You don’t say anything, just step out of the hot tub, holding your numb left cheek with your hand.

J stops his tantrum but doesn’t react in any other way as you leave him standing in the water, still fuming at your absurdities.

– The I LOVE YOU’s stopped. He doesn’t get any more letters, texts, hidden messages or sky lights on the buildings. So exciting you finally got it into your head you irritate him with your stupid feelings all the time! The King of Gotham doesn’t even hear it when you make love and that delights him.

The white mocha doesn’t taste the same though. When he asks why, you sassily respond:

“Because it’s not made with love so get used to it!”

“Cut it out, Y/N!” he snaps as you quietly walk away and couldn’t care less.

– He didn’t hear the words out of you in a few months and it’s perfect. Today he even went through his phone to delete all the useless pictures and drafts he saved from you.

– “Look up,” you urge him, pulling on his arm and his heart starts beating faster for some reason, but then all he sees is The Batsy signal in the night sky.

“He’s close, we should get going,” you tell J and he agrees, disappointed at the revelation. He kind of expected something else. – Frost brings the letter to him in the meeting, whispering it’s urgent and J impatiently opens it to find inside just a dull piece of paper: “Dinner at 6, robbery at 7.30 . All ready to go.”

She could’ve texted me, he sulks, cramming your note in his pocket. He kind of expected something else.

– You are away for one night and he gets the text at 3AM. He immediately jumps out of bed and grins when he sees your name on the screen.

“This undercover mission you assigned me is very boring.” That’s all you sent. He grumbles something not very sweet and tosses the phone on the table, stretching and going back to bed, frustrated. He kind of expected something else.

 – He gets out of the shower and looks at the mirror just to see your insipid notation with red lipstick: “Be back soon.”

Why doesn’t she just text me if that’s all she has to say?! The Joker whines, grabbing a paper towel so he can clean your mess. He kind of expected something else.

– “Bubble bath is readyyyy!” you shout and he comes in, ready to unwind. You move so he can sit by you and begin massaging his shoulders, talking about a bunch of stuff that happened during the day.

“Well?!” he interrupts your speech, turning his head towards you.

“Well what?” you ask back, not getting the point, already forgetting what you were talking about and it annoys you.

“Say it!” he commands, slowly blinking, elbowing you.

“Say what?” you squint your eyes, trying to remember the topic he just made you forget.

“You know what, Pumpkin. Say it!” he mutters through his clenched teeth, not thrilled he has to bring it up.

You take a deep breath and gaze at each other for a few good seconds before finally kissing his neck and enunciate: “I LOVE YOU.”

“Good, I was wondering about that,” he grouchily comments, leaning backwards so he can rest against your body. “My white mocha better taste great again, Doll,” The Joker makes sure to point out, closing his eyes.

“With or without foam?” you tease J and since he’s such a difficult person he sure deserves it.

“With and it better spell something,” he reaches his hand to tug on your wet hair.

“It might if I still have the skills; it’s been a while,” you debate and it’s actually the truth.

 “Don’t care, make it work,” he puffs, not giving a damn; he just expects it.

You want to laugh but can’t: your strategy worked- it was learned from the best. Your boyfriend should be proud since manipulating things to obtain what is desired happens to be his specialty. 

Also read- MASTERLIST :

http://diyunho(dot)tumblr(dot)com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist