#he’s wanking off to me yall

[fluloa]

omg, so may i askkkk

how about jake + jerking off hcs?? like just going into detail about how, the noises, etc etc lowkey i <3 u and think ur writing is boMB 🤭

also ik u're friggin clogged w asks so no pressure bby!!

EEEEEEE

• he’ll go at it every chance he gets, which isn’t a lot when you’re omoticayan.

• wrapping a hot hand around his cock, letting a cool sigh leave his lips as he gently starts to glide his hand up. maybe he’s thinking of the plump of a female na’vi’s chest, barely covered with thread and beads. maybe thinking about getting his hands on a good pussy, spreading wet folds apart and flatting his tongue on the hot slit. and wow, just the pure thought of pussy just gets him fully going, has pre-cum slipping from his cock and creaking into the dips of his fingers.

• he bites the palm of his free hand when he’s going at it. the poor boy just can’t help but slip out a few throaty, whiney hisses. he tries anything to silence them but it’s impossible.

• just imagine the way his abs/stomach tenses and twitches when he’s close. his palm sloppy with his saliva and bruised from the harsh bite of his edged teeth as huffy noises crack out from his mouth and muffle against it. bucking his hips up and shit because he’s that desperate for the release, just the few seconds of utter ecstasy that he craves for so much.

• the type to growl as well. his chest just rumbling with animalistic sounds as his hand is basically ripping his dick. CURLS HIS TOES TOO (unintentionally), feeling the dirt beneath his feet mend under the force.

• when he cums, he fucking cums, just ropes of cleary bluey liquid spirting out from his cock as he spits out a long moan. deep and quick breaths as he loosens from his high, his tired cock resting on his thigh as sweat dampens his forehead. <3

[rustboxstarr]

Snow Day Shenanigans

Pairings: Eddie Munson X Plus sized Girlfriend Reader,

Warnings: Pure Fluff!, blurb, dry humping, kissing, talk of masturbation, slightly suggestive

Summary: Eddie will not stop fkn singing when you're trying to have a hot makeout sesh!

A/N: Aight so I did this when i was making out with a girl but to fkn ICP (Insane Clown Posse) and she thought it was hilarious so I just had to write it here, hope yall enjoy.

Wordcount: 700

Masterlist

Laid on your back in the comfort of your boyfriend's bed is how you spent the cold snow day. A snow storm had broken out the night before and you were unable to make it home, no buses went and Eddie couldn't even get his van out of the makeshift driveway. His Uncle Wayne couldnt make his way home from work in time before the storm reached its peak and stayed with a coworker who only lived a few minutes away from the plant. 

Snow drifted down violently outside the window while a white mist lingered over the town of hawkins. Eddie's bed was made and the heater was on full blast. As you lay underneath him, warm kisses to your lips wrapped up in a warm sweater with sweat and fluffy socks on the both of you, the whole scene felt magical. Music played on a speaker propped up on Eddie's desk. 

The familiar notes of Master of Puppets played on Electric guitar played at a moderate volume on the other side of the room. As Eddie lay nestled between your thighs as his hips moved softly back and forth against your core at a steady pace. The past 20 minutes you had layd like this, just kissing and practically dry humping each other. 

He couldn't help himself when the notes of his favorite song played, he began trying to match his movements to the beat of the music, awkwardly. He missed beats and awkwardly waited for an in for him to start again. 

“What are you doing?” you pulled away and leaned into the pillows. “What? Oh nothing” he grinned. He finally found the beat and adjusted his pace. 

“Are you actually humping me to the beat of Metallica right now?” you grimaced. 

“Pfff, what? I wouldn't” Before you could say anything he shut you up by connecting his lips to yours and searching for entrance with his tongue. 

Just as James Hetfeild began singing Eddie ripped away from you. You frowned, shocked till you saw Eddie violently mouthing the words “End of passion play, crumbling away!” He played air guitar as he sat on his knees, your thighs on either side of him. 

You rolled your eyes as he continued “I'm your source of self-destruction”

“Stop!” you whined trying to grasp hold of his hand and pull you back to him. 

“Veins that pump with fear, sucking darkest clear” he pulled away from you and began headbanging vigorously. 

“UGH” you groaned as Eddie began singing along “Leading on your death's construction”

“Shut up!”

“Taste me you will see” you lightly pushed him back. 

“More is all you need” he breathed the next line as he stumbled upwards to sit back up. 

“Dedicated toooo” he sang falsely. 

“Would you shut up and kiss me?!” you voiced loudly over his obnoxious singing. 

“How I'm killing youuuuu” As the short instrumental started he leaned down and planted a very sloppy and quick kiss to your lips before flinging back up and resuming his air guitar skills. 

“Come crawling faster” he started up again. 

“Alright, I'm going to the toilet” you shouted. 

“Obey your master” Eddie continued singing. 

“Get off you big lug!” That's when you pushed him off the bed with the help of your right leg and then kicked him the rest of the way to the floor with both feet. He groaned as he fell onto the carpet. 

“Yeah that's what you get!”

You walked out the door, “On second thought” you peeped through the door where Eddie awkwardly got off the floor. “I may as well have a quick wank since im not getting anything from you” you stuck your tongue out and shut the door, making your way to the bathroom. 

“Oh no you dont!” Eddie scrambled to his feet and ripped the door open. Tackling you as you just stepped over the threshold of the bathroom door. You squealed at the action as you were carried awkwardly back to Eddie's room. You struggled and wiggled till you fell out his grasp right onto the floor. “Let me wank!” you shouted while laughing madly. 

Eddie fell to the floor on top of you, holding onto your face as he sank his face into yours, kissing you deeply. “Alright alright I'll stop singing” he caved as you adjusted yourself on the floor to accommodate him between your legs. You let him continue kissing you until you finally made your way back to the bedroom to resume your shenanigans. 

[deafeningmoontragedy]

Snow Day Shenanigans

Pairings: Eddie Munson X Plus sized Girlfriend Reader,

Warnings: Pure Fluff!, blurb, dry humping, kissing, talk of masturbation, slightly suggestive

Summary: Eddie will not stop fkn singing when you're trying to have a hot makeout sesh!

A/N: Aight so I did this when i was making out with a girl but to fkn ICP (Insane Clown Posse) and she thought it was hilarious so I just had to write it here, hope yall enjoy.

Wordcount: 700

Check out more of Eddie Munson!

Laid on your back in the comfort of your boyfriend's bed is how you spent the cold snow day. A snow storm had broken out the night before and you were unable to make it home, no buses went and Eddie couldn't even get his van out of the makeshift driveway. His Uncle Wayne couldnt make his way home from work in time before the storm reached its peak and stayed with a coworker who only lived a few minutes away from the plant. 

Snow drifted down violently outside the window while a white mist lingered over the town of hawkins. Eddie's bed was made and the heater was on full blast. As you lay underneath him, warm kisses to your lips wrapped up in a warm sweater with sweat and fluffy socks on the both of you, the whole scene felt magical. Music played on a speaker propped up on Eddie's desk. 

The familiar notes of Master of Puppets played on Electric guitar played at a moderate volume on the other side of the room. As Eddie lay nestled between your thighs as his hips moved softly back and forth against your core at a steady pace. The past 20 minutes you had layd like this, just kissing and practically dry humping each other. 

He couldn't help himself when the notes of his favorite song played, he began trying to match his movements to the beat of the music, awkwardly. He missed beats and awkwardly waited for an in for him to start again. 

“What are you doing?” you pulled away and leaned into the pillows. “What? Oh nothing” he grinned. He finally found the beat and adjusted his pace. 

“Are you actually humping me to the beat of Metallica right now?” you grimaced. 

“Pfff, what? I wouldn't” Before you could say anything he shut you up by connecting his lips to yours and searching for entrance with his tongue. 

Just as James Hetfeild began singing Eddie ripped away from you. You frowned, shocked till you saw Eddie violently mouthing the words “End of passion play, crumbling away!” He played air guitar as he sat on his knees, your thighs on either side of him. 

You rolled your eyes as he continued “I'm your source of self-destruction”

“Stop!” you whined trying to grasp hold of his hand and pull you back to him. 

“Veins that pump with fear, sucking darkest clear” he pulled away from you and began headbanging vigorously. 

“UGH” you groaned as Eddie began singing along “Leading on your death's construction”

“Shut up!”

“Taste me you will see” you lightly pushed him back. 

“More is all you need” he breathed the next line as he stumbled upwards to sit back up. 

“Dedicated toooo” he sang falsely. 

“Would you shut up and kiss me?!” you voiced loudly over his obnoxious singing. 

“How I'm killing youuuuu” As the short instrumental started he leaned down and planted a very sloppy and quick kiss to your lips before flinging back up and resuming his air guitar skills. 

“Come crawling faster” he started up again. 

“Alright, I'm going to the toilet” you shouted. 

“Obey your master” Eddie continued singing. 

“Get off you big lug!” That's when you pushed him off the bed with the help of your right leg and then kicked him the rest of the way to the floor with both feet. He groaned as he fell onto the carpet. 

“Yeah that's what you get!”

You walked out the door, “On second thought” you peeped through the door where Eddie awkwardly got off the floor. “I may as well have a quick wank since im not getting anything from you” you stuck your tongue out and shut the door, making your way to the bathroom. 

“Oh no you dont!” Eddie scrambled to his feet and ripped the door open. Tackling you as you just stepped over the threshold of the bathroom door. You squealed at the action as you were carried awkwardly back to Eddie's room. You struggled and wiggled till you fell out his grasp right onto the floor. “Let me wank!” you shouted while laughing madly. 

Eddie fell to the floor on top of you, holding onto your face as he sank his face into yours, kissing you deeply. “Alright alright I'll stop singing” he caved as you adjusted yourself on the floor to accommodate him between your legs. You let him continue kissing you until you finally made your way back to the bedroom to resume your shenanigans. 

[wizardfrog69]

୨⎯ "finding you masturbating" ⎯୧

Idk how to title this, but it's the Moriarty the patriot characters x gn!reader

Btw idk to put so instead I'm gonna be putting gif of the characters cuz I'm lazy

Also requests are wide open if you want me to write about anything! :)

Cw!: nsfw

Please if you don't feel comfortable with nsfw/nsft content do not read this

Feat. William, Louis, Albert, Sherlock, John, Hudson, Milverton, James, Sebastian, Mycroft

William James Moriarty:

He truly didn't expect to see you and thought you were off in the market or something

Didn't seem to have a reaction but in fact he was a but shocked? He just really didn't expect it

If you two are courting then he will go up to you and ask if you need "help"

Will gladly help, also makes sure to lock the door behind him

No one knew where he was for a while untill they heard your moans 🥰

If you the two of you weren't courting and just friends or something then he would leave and never mention it again

If you didn't notice him then you will never know he was ever there

Tries telling you to lock your door

Louis James Moriarty:

Runs away cutely

Is probably low key blushing

If The two of you are courting:

He would leave as soon as he enters and doesn't speak a word of what you were doing

If the two of you weren't courting:

Leaves faster then he enters

Man never knew you before in his life

Who are you?

Also most runs away everytime you enter a room

Idk he just finds it really embarrassing, finding you like that

Silly goofy little man fr 😔

Albert James Moriarty:

Why am I using courting so much? Oh well ig we gonna need to go to so many different weddings 😒

Whatever

He will stand there like 0.1 seconds too long

Weather you're courting or not you notice him and try to hid yourself cuz like he just chilling there

But he leaves

Unless you want him to stay 😏

If you two are courting then he will probably tease you a bit

But if you're not then he won't mention it

But like he wants to make fun of you 😔💔

Sherlock Holmes:

All the gifs of him is just him smoking or playing the violin

Not complaining tho 🤭

It just kinda baffles me the amount of smoke everywhere

Moving on

He would just be there like 🧍‍♂️

He would just like leave and go for a smoke probably

Like how would he react to seeing someone have a wank yk

If you're courting:

He would most likely just go up to you and tell you to just come to him before your hand(s)

If you're not courting:

He would just turned around and leave

Never speaks of it again

John H. Watson:

WHY ARE MOST OF THE GIFS OF SHERLOCK? BROS NAME IS JOHN J-O-H-N BUT NO SHERLOCK LIKE WHAT ? this app is getting confused or everyone hates John

Poor john

He's married though so this is simply platonic

Anyway

He would freeze in his steps once he opened the door

Quickly ran away

He ran where the pepper grows

Will feel really awkward

God I hate the word 'awkward' it's so hard to spell

But yeah

Miss Hudson:

Idk she wanted rent or something

Idk how many house she's the landlady of

Or as one would say, landbastard

If feel half dead yall

Whatever

She was shocked and didn't really expect for her furniture to be used in such a manner

Kinda left and was disappointed?

Yeah I feel too tired for this, I'll come back to do the rest later

Charles Augustus Milverton:

I'm back~

Charles' is such a silly little man

Why am I including him?

Idk but deal with it, not a big fan of him either but like I'm including him for some reason

He's more on the perverted side

He would like to stay and watch but he won't

Man I wanna steal this man's furniture so bad rn 😔

Mainly to piss him off

Anyway he would probably just stay there until he can remember it and leaves

Stays like 2 seconds

James Bond:

Bro I forgot everything about this man's personality

Oh well

Honestly he would leave and act like he never saw anything

Literally the same thing I've said for all of them

He doesn't find it shocking or anything and wouldn't pay it no mind

Doesn't care, like at all you're just doing your thing yk

Sebastian Moran:

How is this man's whole personality drinking in my head? 💀

If you're courting:

He will join

Just like steps up to you, take your hand(s) in his, kisses you and tells you to ask him next time and proceeds to masturbate you

Yeah, idk how to make that into a normal sentence

Fred Porlock:

Im not gonna write anything for him

So apparently he's 19

He doesn't look 19

Thats all i'm saying

Mycroft Holmes:

You don't know how long it took me to find this only for it to be poor quality

There wasnt anything better

He never even walks in the room

Hes a gentleman and he would never even dream of walking in on someone doing something so private

He also respects people (I hope)

[cealesti]

7 and 25 for the ask game 👀

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

oh, def Uraraka from BNHA. Like, it genuinely pisses me off bc i actually think she's a really interesting character & i liked her a lot, but now i can't help but associate her with, like, dudebros and shipping discourse. i recoil every time i see her in a new chapter

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

50% of the fandom wank on snape has me rolling my eyes so hard they're permanently stuck

"Oh my god it's so weird that snape's still into lily after all this time!!" my good bitch have you ever grieved. have you ever actually lost someone that meant the world to you, mostly due to your own actions, only for them to die while your issues are still unresolved? good god. man has literally no other positive relationship in his life, what the fuck did you expect

"hmmm okay the marauders might have been mean to snape but he gave as good as he got :///" one kid against four?? do you actually believe that??? do you genuinely think that moony and padfoot are even remotely reliable witnesses???? snape got sexually harassed in the canon text (snape's worst memory) and sirius genuinely tried to kill the guy for a laugh and yall still think this is a reasonable thing to say? p l e a s e

from the choose violence ask game!!

[anowlonamission]

Really not vibing with having to unfollow blogs centered around other fucking fandoms because they can’t keep their shitty jokes to themselves.. y’all just look stupid at this point honestly

[ursifors]

this is lit just fandom wank about the mad king and vagabond personalities but i got pissed off and i gotta rant sorry

it genuinely confuses the fuck out of me how some people will see ryan haywood, a confirmed rapist and groomer who preyed on vulnerable women and teenagers, and be like yeah. but i can still like his personas and if you don't like that you're a "piss baby" LIKE? do you fucking hear yourself. how do you sleep at night.

like listen there is a lot i will look past personally as far as fictional characters goes. fictional stuff is fictional and if i find it uncomfortable i simply don't look at it or seek it out. but the thing is the mad king and vagabond are characters/personas created by and of a man who is a rapist, and they are extensions of himself. it's not like enjoying a character voice acted by a shitty person. the characters ARE HIM. they are him but in gta, or him but in minecraft. whatever the case they are HIM. so by refusing to let go of these characters you are saying that you don't find what he did abhorrent enough to warrant letting those characters fade into nothing.

it's fucked up. no one is being a "piss baby" for getting mad that you're still glorifying this fucking rapist idk how much i need to stress this like you really fucking are supporting him by doing this i don't fucking get it.

also unrelated but because it must be said until i stop seeing these fucking names pop up in ah member's streams CHANGE YOUR USERNAMES ON TWITCH FOR FUCK SAKES what are yall DOING.

[lilakennedy]

Seeing SOMEONE going "Yall a bunch of sensitive snowflakes" paraphrased but u get what I mean regarding the recent wanking video issue with Sean and them going 'jfc don't you trust sean" has me going extremely leery towards that person like.. are u srsly going there? Sometimes I wish I had the mental strength to block these people like u do (then again they've blocked u 1st s o) but I'm honestly morbidly curious about how low they're willing to go at this point that it's more sad than anything.

ok, so -

first off, please just block the people that you can’t stand. it really helps and often feels like a weight being lifted from your chest. just recently i blocked someone i used to call a friend on all platforms. 

blocking is not a bad thing, it’s an option for a reason bub.

now onto the rest:

- the way you wrote “SOMEONE” and “they blocked you first” pretty much immediately told me who you mean, and luckily i got some mutuals that aren’t blocked by isa so they we’re sweet enough to go check what the fuck they said this time. 

and holy shit it’s disgusting. 

like, genuinely - i’m not even trying to be a bitch here. 

isa made sure to write in ALL CAPS TO GET THE POINT ACROSS but dumb shit doesnt sound clever just cause you’re louder.

saying the video/game had bad “undertones” as if it’s not way more than that.

told people to stop canceling Sean over every tiny thing, even tho we all just decided to point a mistake he made out to him. 

and the whole “you don’t have any faith in Sean ugh” is really just there to make people feel bad about speaking up when Sean makes mistakes.  

you have to point out shit to him if he misses it, you can’t just expect him to sit there and notice everything himself. 

god, isa’s so far up Seans ass they could use him as a handpuppet.

plus, from all the shit i’ve heard/seen them do, i’m not surprised they don’t care about LGBT+ related issues, and would rather kiss Sean’s ass. but when you point out how terribly they’re behaving it turns into “i’m pan i can’t be XYphobic!” as if that redeems it all.

and the fact that isa is a fully grown adult really just makes to all so much worse.

[harryfeatgaga]

To add on to that anon’s dick bouncing concept: you’re gripping onto the back of the sofa whilst you ride him harder and he’s still smirking at the fact that he’s barely done a thing. He just walked through the door to find you naked and wet and ready to go. All he did was get hard and you were straight on his dick, on the couch. He’s loving watching you lose it on him, and his cocky expression is what sends you over the edge, squeezing his cock so hard that he tells you to 1/2

“get on your knees” as you climb off of him as he starts wanking his cock off as he holds your chin in his other hand “there you go baby, there’s my cum” he grunts as he shoots his cum onto your tongue as promised. He drops back to the couch, completely fucked out. You crawl back onto his lap “show me” he says, and you open your mouth to show him his cum that’s resting on your tongue. “Swallow” and you oblige. “Now show me again” and you open your empty mouth to show him. “Good girl baby”

-

yall have got me FUCKED UP ON THIS WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON HOLY FUCKING SHITFGJIVKJNHJGJNHUTGJNBHTHUGIJ

[little-dragon-stories]

Friends to lover, on the beach

Jimin invited you for a week on an paradisiac island. On the first day, something happened that leads him to commits himself.

(Sorry the gif doesn't fit, it doesn't look "polished". But after my 5th attempt to upload it, when it finally worked, I deckded to let it intact...)

Wc. 5236

Well yall, it's a smut, a romantic smut.

«Come on baby, don’t be shy… I want to bury my dick between your boobs, what’s wrong with that» the stranger says.

«Leave me the fuck alone» you answer harshly.

«I bet that pretty mouth of yours would do an amazing job too… don’t play hard to get. Come on». The man was playing with your nerves.

What a horrible way to start your sejour at the beach! Your friend Jimin came here last year, claimed that it was the most beautiful place he visited with his band. He kept telling you how clear is the water, how white is the sand. You just arrived a few hours ago and as soon as you entered your room, you changed onto your sportswear to go for a little jogging on the beach. Jimin was so tired, he fell asleep as you were waiting for your luggages in the room. You should have waited for him to wake up and come here accompanied. But you were too eager to jog on the beach and he was so pretty, sleeping like the angel he is. You didn’t want to wake him up.

Why did you follow this little path? Why haven’t you stayed on the beach shore? You didn’t expect to meet that stupid man along the way, that’s for sure. As far as you look, you cannot see somebody around to help you out. Although it’s kind of scaring you, you will have to take care of the situation all by yourself. Can you handle him?

«Leave me alone. My boyfriend will be very mad at you if he hears you talk to me like that».

«Nah, I’m sure you don’t have one. You are too arrogant to have a man. No one can handle a foul mouthed like yours. Plus, I didn’t expect you to lie to me like that on our first and only date. Yes, I have to take the plane tomorrow, how sad. It’s your only chance to have me for yourself. Come on, I will let you suck me all you want… I can see how badly you want it».

The thought of him following you from the hotel to here scared the shit out of you. What is he capable of? You have no idea!

«I said leave me alone. I don’t want you. Go wank wherever you want man, but leave me alone».

Then unexpectedly, Jimin’s soft voice came from behind the man. You look above the stranger’s shoulder and see him coming to the rescue. Your friend was beautiful. Even in that very moment, you can’t help yourself but to witness his unbelieving beauty.

«Hey Jagi, there you are. Why haven’t you wait for me? I told you I wanted to jog with you» he took your hand and kissed your palm as soon as he was by your side.

«Sorry my love» you answer fastly playing the game, «I wanted to let you sleep» and facing the aggressive stranger you said “See? I told you I had a boyfriend. Now leave me alone you bastard».

«Man you’re a lucky one» he told Jiminie, «You must have a lot of fun with a girl shaped like that».

«I can’t complain man, I can’t complain. My girl is talented. Now if you excuse us, we will go for our jogging». He said, blinking at the stranger.

What the hell is he saying? You don’t have time to think about it, he places his hand on your lower back and guides you out of sight of the stranger.

«Just play the game», he murmures. You both jog in silence for a couple of minutes and when the path opens on the beach and the view is clear, you stop. Damn, you went far.

«Are you ok y/n? Did he hurt or touch you?» is the first thing your savior amiably asks you. «No, he didn’t. Thank you so much for saving me. I will be forever grateful for that» you stated as you glued yourself against him.

«I am sorry for the way I talked in front of you» he says, frowning his eyes and caressing your hair gently.

«I hope you are. You told him we have sex when clearly we have not» you snapped.

«Well, I let him believed I was having… well… fun… with you. In my defense, I thought it was the only vocabulary this man would have understand. I thought it would be easier to just pretend whatever he implied and leave». He is so cute, trying to justify his behavior. So cute and sexy at the same time with those shorts that shows his thighs. You have always loved his delicate but defined body shape. His cute, baby face but his manly shape.

«You’re right, he’s not the kind of man you want to provoke. You had the perfect attitude. Thank you so much. For a split second I was scared. I was ready to fight before you saved me».

«Hey, don’t panic but he’s there, he’s jogging. We will just pretend that we stop to talk before we return to the hotel».

You lift your chin up to look into Jimin’s eyes, unsure on how you should react. He was really stunning. A beautiful man, no doubt. «He’s close now, don’t look back. Just follow my lead ok?». You nod. Jimin is not very imposing physically, he’s not super tall or super muscular and scary. But nevertheless, you know he will protect you from the arrogant man. You are certain of that.

«Am I interrupting something» you hear the man ask, not so far from you anymore.

«Yes bastard» you answered, cocky since you know you are protected now. «Go, NOW. Leave us the fuck alone» you barked.

«Your girlfriend needs to be tamed» he says to Jimin. «You should make her shut that mouth, man if you know what I mean» he chortled.

«Yes, I will take care of that. Come on baby, let’s go to the hotel, you need a lesson». You don’t know how to react. Nobody ever talked to you like that and even though Jimin is just acting, it’s still disturbing to hear him say this. You decide that you won’t say anything and start to walk towards the hotel.

After a dozen steps, you feel Jimin’s hand in yours, soft and warm. He made sure that the stranger disappeared before you enter in lobby of the hotel, still holding hands. You just realised now that you never broke this contact with him, as you silently walked. Strangely, you were comfortable. Jimin and you cuddle from time to time but you never hold hands together. Not that you didn’t feel good with him, just because the opportunity never really presented itself. You wish you had a better reason to do it today.

For your first ever trip together, you and Jimin decided to take seperates rooms that can communicate together. This way, it will be easy to talk late at night without having to go in the hallway and also, you keep your privacy. You both enter his room and as soon as the doors closed, he says: «If you don’t mind I need a shower. I guess you too, after your jogging. Let’s meet up in an hour so we can go take diner together». It was not a question or an offer. It was an order. He was not only angry, he was furious.

«Jimin, my little mochi, are you mad at me?» you tried to lighten the atmosphere, showing off your cutest smile.

«Absolutely not. See you in an hour» he says between his clenched teeth. You couldn’t add anything, he slams the door right in your face. «What is wrong with you Park Jimin» you murmur. «Why are you acting like that? Because I didn’t wait for you to jog?» You were not sure at all what was going on with him.

Dumbfounded, you went directly in the bathroom and run the water of the shower. As the water was running on your back, you thought of the events that just happened. You have to admit, you should have wait for him. He made it clear that he intended to go jogging with you before he fell asleep. You were just too excited to discover the landslide he told you about so many times as you were preparing this trip.

You wash yourself quickly, chose a long skirt and a tank top, island style. You braid your hair and twirl them on top of your head in a pretty bun leaving a few stray of hairs freely encircling your face. You look at your image reflected in the mirror, you are satisfy. It’s not too sexy, not too dull. Some may even think you are pretty. Hopefully, Jimin will think that.

As soon as you are done, you went into Jimin’s room until he gets ready. As always, he was taking his precious time.

«Jimin I am here. Waiting for you on the couch my little mochi»

«Alright, it won’t be long».

It must have been long, cause you had the time to fall asleep. Although you were on the couch when you were waiting for him, now you are on his bed, your shoes removed and a blanket on you. There is a cold meal on the nightstand and a note «I was not able to sleep yet. Went on the beach for a walk. I will come see if you are awake later».

That was it. No «Your mochi that loves you xxx» like he usually signed. No «Take care lovely y/n» or «I miss you already». Not a single tender word although the gesture of covering you to keep you warm was sweet and caring. What is wrong with him? Why is he so cold suddenly. You decided to go meet him on the beach with the intention to talk about it. It was only your first day on this island, you would like to make things clear right away. You don’t want any kind of misunderstanding between you for the rest of the sejour.

You saw him very fast, he was the only one on the private beach shore. Sitting and looking at the ocean. He’s so beautiful, it’s mesmerising. If you were an artist you would have want to paint or draw him like that, his perfect profile exposed to your gaze. You remember the first time you met him. You still can’t believe you were that lucky. You were an army, you never lied about it. You have met him completely out of luck, in a museum. You were contemplating a painting when the soft voice of Tae had brought you out of your dream. It’s with Tae that you have talked first but it’s with Jimin that the real connection was made.

«Jimin, can we talk» you say with the softest voice you can. You know he’s not happy. It shows all over his face.

«Hi, you awake? What are you doing here, didn’t you get your lesson earlier»? he snapped, still angry at you.

«What’s going on? Why are you mad at me? We just arrived, you can’t be so disappointed in me already».

He stayed silent. You sat down beside him and as you lift up your chin to look at him you notice his eyes are red and puffy, like he cried. Touched by the sight of a sad Mini, you automatically take his hand in yours.

«Jimin, wh...»

«Don’t look at me y/n. Please». He interrupt.

You do as he said and looked at the ocean, overwhelmed by your tiring, exhausting day of traveling and the situation earlier. Combined with a sad Jimin, it’s barely tolerable.

«Jimin, tell me what’s going on. Please. We never fought in the 6 months we have known each other. Now you are mad at me and sad. Am I so deceiving?»

«What? Why does it have to be about you?»

«Well, it’s at me you were mad earlier»

«Y/n, just let it die, can you?»

Let it die? Of course you won’t let it die. You and Jimin shared so many good moments together. You have the feeling that if you don’t get to the bottom of this, something will break between you and this is something you can’t let happen. You love your friend too much to risk this. Gathering your courage, you turn your face towards him and kiss him gently on the cheek, rubbing your nose against his skin for a split second.

«I’m sorry love but I can’t do as you ask. We need to talk about this, Otherwise, we won’t have a good time this week, it would put a shadow on our holiday».

«You did nothing wrong Y/n. There’s nothing to talk about».

«I beg to differ»

He wanted to stand up, probably with the intention to leave the shore but his hand was still in yours and you didn’t let him do it. You pull on his hand, bringing him closer to you. He looked at you with fire in his eyes. Angry, mad, overwhelmed by all sorts of emotions he don’t want to feel at that very moment.

«Let me go»

«No»

«I said let me go, right now»

«Jimin, the way you act is childish. It’s immature and...»

«WHAT?» he exclaimed, furious. «I am the childish one? What about your own behavior?»

«Tell me Jimin, I want to know. What have I done to you?»

«You did nothing to me but you were childish. You always act childish. I should have known it was not a good idea to come here with you». Those words, they hurt deeply.

«What? How?» are the only words you can say, shattered. «I am not childish. I am not irresponsable. What are you talking about?»

«You’re right. It’s very mature to go jog alone along a isolated path on an island you don’t know about».

«It was still the middle of the day. It was lit outside. It was safe».

«Oh really? Was it safe when you met that man? Did you feel safe with his gaze on your body? Were you safe when he was coming towards you, hard as a rock and ready to jump on you?»

A chill runs through your entire body. You are frightened by his words as much as by the emotions that inhabit it. He’s so angry that his fists are closed and his jaw is tight. He has furrowed eyebrows and eyes as black as the moonless night ahead tonight.

«Jimin, I should have wait for you because I knew you wanted to jog with me. But you can’t blame me for the altercation. Can you?»

«I can blame you for that and I will. You put yourself in a dangerous situation».

«Jimin… stop before you become a complete jerk. You can’t blame me and you know it. A woman has the right to walk outside unaccompanied without fear of being the prey to a predator».

He breathes deeply once, twice. It doesn’t seem to be calm him down.

«Y/n… You should have wait for me. You didn’t know what you were exposing yourself to...»

You don’t let him finish his sentence, you are too pissed.

«Ok! You are being a jerk for real. I am going to sleep, goodnight».

Your try to stand up. His turn not to let you do it.

«Let go of my hand Mr. Park or I will be very mad»

«Y/n… please hear me out»

There is something different in his voice, his tone is lower, guttural. Nothing to do with the sweet mochi you are used to.

«Sit down and listen to me».

«If you are to be like that, I won’t stay you can be sure of it».

You sit down nevertheless, waiting for him say something. He was looking at the ocean when he said:

«I can’t Y/n».

«What? What can’t you Jimin?»

But he didn’t answer. He seemed too deep in his thoughts. What is he talking about? He can’t be here with you? He can’t still be friend? He told you you were childish, this is not the usual Jimin. Normally, he treat you like a queen. Like you are the most valuable treasure in the world.

«Jimin, for some reasons, I am more scared right now that I was this afternoon».

He continues to look at the sea in front of him, illuminated only by bright stars now as the night deepened.

«Jimin, please Jimin… talk to me. I never saw you like that. And I hate to be the reason of your anger and sadness...» you bawled, a silent tear rolling on your cheek. You looked at him, not even trying to hide the water in your eyes. He will know anyway, he always read in you like you read in him… Normally.

«Y/n, when I think about somebody touching you, I can’t breath...»

«wh... what?» you stammer.

«I said… This afternoon, this man… I could have kill him if he dared to lay a hand on you… Not only him if you want me to be honest. I don’t want another man to touch you»

«Jimin… what are you trying to say? Another man than who?»

He closes his eyes.

«Y/n, we had a rough day. Let’s just sleep for now. We shall talk tomorrow. Ok?»

There is no way in hell you will let this go like that. He started something, you want to see the end of this conversation. If he implies what you think he does… You leave his side and kneel in front of him. Gently stroking his arms.

«No, it’s not ok. Listen, I want to know what you mean»

«I meant nothing, really...» He was deceiving himself. He wanted to tell you how much he loves you but couldn’t find a good way to put it.

«You are a liar and a coward Park Jimin. You start something and you don’t want to end it»

If he was mad earlier, you don’t even have a word to describe what you acknowledge right now. You could see his cold, dark eyes as he lift his chin up. He tries to seem calm but his trembling hands betrayed him. Maybe you went too far.

«What did you just say?»

«I said you are weak, coward, gutless, scaredy-cat, spineless, craven… you want me to go on? And no, let me talk» you stopped him as soon as he opened his mouth.

«You deserve all those adjectives Park Jimin because there’s something you seem to want but you’re too scared to dare and try to get it. Am I right?»

Within a moment, all of his body language changed. What you perceived as anger turns into desire. His face softens and his jaw relaxes. However, his eyes remain as intense and black as they were.

«What is it that I want miss? You have an idea?» he smirked.

You decided that you won’t make it easy for him.

«You want me, of course. But I don’t like cowards, unfortunately for you». you replied, looking at him in the eyes, lifting up your chin proudly.

«Really y/n?»

«Really Jimin»

«I wonder how long it will take for you to take what you want».

Playfully, you start to open your tank top blouse. Slowly twisting each button with your fingers. Jimin watches each of your movements with a growing attention. When your blouse finally fell open, as Jimin still didn’t flinch, you started to lack self-confidence but you won’t show him that. You will play the seductive game that you started. You run your finger along your breastbone.

«Is this where you want to touch me, Jimin?»

His eyes leave your breasts and stick right in yours.

«I’d say this is a good start. But…no» he teased.

«Alright, let’s see what else I have to offer». You replied, gently sliding the straps of your bra over your arms. In all your life, you would never have imagined yourself playing strippers to seduce your friend. Nevertheless, you will help him make his move.

Keeping your bra in place, you cup your breast and start to pinch your nipples between your thumb and finger. That is when he reacted. With his left hand, he grabs you by the hip while he gently start to brush the delicate skin that wasn’t covered by your lace bra. You could see him swallowing harshly as if his mouth was dry.

«Something’s wrong Jiminie?» you mock him.

«Everything is perfect. Could not be any more perfect than that» His stare is intense, his eyes can’t betray the desire he has for you.

«I beg to differ Jimin. We haven’t started yet». You said, reaching out to your back to loosen your bra. He stopped your action.

«Wait, we are on the beach. People can come...»

«No Jimin, we are alone here»

«But people could...»

«Jimin, we are alone on an semi private beach. Plus, we are not cowards, are we?» You said, blinking.

«I think you speak too much» and that’s when his lips joined yours for the very first time. It was a soft but burning contact at the beginning. Jimin was gauging your reaction. He knew you were trying to seduce him but he is still unsure of where you want that seduction game to lead.

With his full lips, he deepened the kiss as soon as your lips parted, you felt his tongue slide urgently into your mouth to play with yours. Jimin was an amazing kisser. You could feel his smile against you.

After a moment like that, his and your breathing become ragged. He leans back, stares at you.

«You are beautiful» he murmurs softly. When you thought he was about to kiss you again, he surprised you. He grabs you by the hips and slides you on his thighs spreading your skirt on either side of your two bodies thus joined. Still too far from his center in your opinion. You feel the need to hug him, to bring him closer to you any way possible. Encircling his neck, you carefully slide yourself closer, rocking your hips against him. Looking in his eyes to see the effect you have on him while you feel it on your center for the first time. Jimin is already hard for you, you feel his dick twitching against your panties as his hips are filling the distance when you let a tiny space separate your bodies. That’s when his smells hits you. Raw and woody but still sweet. A smell that somehow makes you feel home but at the same time put fire in you. At the thought of your head in his chest, breathing in, your knees buckles. Jimin feels you and his hands firmly cups your buttocks.

«You need to be careful».

Grinning, you answered:

«No, I need to sit. I need to sit on you, with a good support point if you know what I mean».

He swallows with difficulty, his eyes going from your eyes to your breasts. Perfectly shaped to fit his hands. He can’t wait to discover if you have the color he imagined so many times before. «You are full of surprises miss y/n. I won’t complain».

«You haven’t seen anything yet my sweet mochi» you whisper, your voice full of a desire barely contained.

You start to play with his lips again, gently tugging on his lower lip with your teeth. Jimin pushing his pelvis against yours, eager to leave as little distance as possible between the two of you. His hands traces your spine from your neck to your butts. As he met your bra on his way up, he skilfully loosen it, never breaking the kiss.

«Jimin, I want you» you whisper between the kiss.

«You have me, you need more?» his mouth twist into a sexy sideways smile. Your mind refuses to keep things clean as his tongue meets yours again, furiously needing for more, always more. His kisses become tender as he slides his lips down to your neck, flutters them onto your chest and clamps them onto your nipples which he take in his mouth one by one, teasing them with his teeth. Swirling his tongue around them. His thumb running small circles on your covered clit as you gently stroke him above his linen pants.

«Enough of those games Mr Park, I need your cock inside. I need to sit on you» you say, yanking your panties down to your thighs. Jimin’s hand came to meet your cunt automatically, palming your center, gently sliding his fingers along your fold. Delicately. Almost like if he is touching the most fragile thing in the world.

«Beautiful» he murmurs before plunging his fingers deep inside without further ado. You can’t hold back a soft moan, your thighs shivering under that delightful touch. Your head leans back but you soon came back to your senses. Well, not completely but enough to make you take the situation to another level.

You loosen his pants, he lifts his hips and you hardly release him from his clothes, carefully freeing his hard member. You are torn between licking his thick dick and take him into your mouth or ride him. He doesn’t seem to hesitate at all as he lift you up enough so you can impale yourself on his dick. Slowly sliding you down on him, filling you up in one smooth movement.

«Oh My God y/n… You feel so good. Stay still please. I want to savor the moment»

He’s looking at you with a needy, loving look on his face. With what you called his heart eyes numerous of time.

«Jimin… Jimin… I love you» the words escape your lips too fast, you can’t hold them back. For a moment you were so mad at yourself for saying it. Quickly thought, you’re relieved to hear Jimin whisper «I love you y/n. So much»

Gripping his hair, you arch your back and wrap your legs tightly around his waist. His hands taking a grip on your shoulders from behind to keep you closer. You worried you might passed out from pleasure if things keep being that good. You begin by rolling your hips in slow smooths circles. You want to feel every inch of him between your folds. He lean over to take a nipple between his lips then suck it hard, making you shiver. When his mouth was not on you, He looked you straight in the eye, vulnerable and strong at the same time. Not scared to show you all the power you have on him right now.

As you feel him moving, looking forward to having more, you begin to rock your hips back and forth, slowly at first then harder, faster. Jimin’s hips meeting yours half way. You try to take him deeper by bouncing up and down on him but your legs were tired already.

«My girl is so needy… You need it more deep, don’t you?»

«Jimin it already feels so good… » Orgasm was slowly building inside of you.

«Wait love, hold still» You freeze. He kisses you and gently rub your clit, making you shiver.

«I love how we connect together, I love our bond. I love our connection. It feels good right?»

«Baby can we talk after, right now, I am still unfinished».

He started to laugh.

«Your wish is my command. You needed deeper, I will serve you deeper. Do you have strong arms?» He asked with a smirk.

«What do you have in mind?»

«You will see soon enough baby, you will see soon enough».

He gets on one knee in front of you, asks you to throw your legs on his shoulders.

«Hands on the ground please baby, you will need to support yourself. Let’s see if you can handle deeper» he commands.

As soon as your palms touches the sand below you, he lift your ass up and brought you closer, holding you in that position firmly. Like this, there is no touching possible but this is the most pleasant position you never experienced so far. It hits you some places you didn’t even know existed. He thrusts deep into you, filling you completely, fast, never slowing down the pace. You struggle to catch your breath and feel dizzy but it isn’t finished yet. Jimin is pounding hard. With a hint of ocean breeze, his delicious smell mingles with yours and fills the air.

«Oh, god Jimin...» you gasp as the orgasm is building again. «Jimin, please don’t stop...»

«This is not my intention my lady. I don’t intend to stop until we sit on that plane next week».

The sensations are overwhelming and you can tell he’s nearly there too. You feel your arms lack strength but you don’t want to move an inch, you almost reached your orgasm. Without ever breaking eye contact with him, you say:

«Faster Jimin, harder… I won’t last long».

«It’s ok baby, let’s go of your hands and touch yourself for me»

You carefully did as he commanded. As soon as he see your delicate finger rubbing a circle on your clit, his face contorts, desperately containing his scream as he comes deep inside of you, filling you with his juices. You arch your back against the sand as the waves of orgasm overwhelms you too, delicious ripples flowing through you from head to toes. Softly moaning through your closed lips. Jimin stays in position and continues to thrust into you until you can open your eyes again.

Smiling at each other, he puts your ass gently on the sand, crawling between your legs to come lie on top of you. Your breathing slows as you stare at each other like you can’t quite believe what just happened. He then grin and start to kiss your face as you gently caress his hairs.

«Your arms must be tired, lay on me completely please. You’re too far already» you utter.

Instead, he lays down on your side, dragging you against him. Still kissing your face.

«Jimin, I love you. I am in love with you since the first day I met you».

«I know… » he smiles.

«You know?»

«Yeah… Tae is my best friend you know. He couldn’t help but tell me my crush also had a crush on me».

«Oh! My! God! I will kill him!» you pretend to be mad.

Jimin laughed, kissed your eyelid softly. Then your nose, your lips.

«Nah! You won’t kill him. Because of him, I had courage to invite you here».

«Jimin… screw that separate room. I want you in my bed for the rest of the week» you firmly affirm.

«Only the week my love? What about next one? I haven’t touch you the way I wanted to yet.»

«Let’s be together for a long time then».

«Let’s be together for a very long time» he agrees.

As you walk hand in hand towards the hotel under the moonless sky, Jimin tells you:

«From now on, I am the only person that can touch your body. I will make sure to satisfy all your needs».

Shivering, not from the cold but from what those words implies, you let yourself go against him. No doubt it was a good idea to come on this island with him.

[cupidford]

Here are 50 great fics (~654k words) to read yall!

😍😍😍😍😍

The Wedding Garments by cwb

2020 post-Brexit England and the government is encouraging arranged marriages. Candidates meet through agencies. Sherlock doesn't need or want a spouse, at least not until John Watson shows up. ~105k

😍😍😍😍

Ruckusless by herbailiwick

Sherlock invites John to Xmas dinner. (A bit of unrequited Johncroft.) ~2k

Stradivarius by Berty

Winter. Life goes back to what passes for normal at 221B Baker Street. So why are there awkward pauses and uncertain glances? Why are they both on their best behaviour? ~20k

December by johnwatso, Salambo06

Sherlock and John fall in love during a summer in December. Bathing, food fight, baking, South Africa, romance tropes galore, Xmas and nye. ~41k

Memento Mori by Calais_Reno (Part of May 4 series)

Established relationship. Suffering amnesia from a concussion, John remembers Sherlock. He just can’t remember what happened to him. ~8k

Have Yourself an Angsty Little Christmas by 221b_careful_what_you_wish_for

Christmas. A collection of ficlets for the 2018 Advent Ficlet Challenge. ~7k

😍😍😍

Home for Christmas by SilentAuror

Post S4/TFP. John and Rosie move back into Baker Street. Mrs Hudson decides to give them a slow cooker as a "house-warming present". ~19k

When There is You and Me by Salambo06

Stolen moments in John and Sherlock's routine. ~2k

And if it begins anywhere, it begins here by Salambo06

Sherlock finds a letter in his bedroom from Sherlock Watson-Holmes,  another version of himself from a parallel universe. ~27k

All Is Bright; Ch. 21: Hopes and Fears by FinAmour

In which Sherlock Holmes creates a Christmas List. ~500

The Spark and the Flame by All_I_need

"Explain to me how lying in the snow in a city in Sweden on Christmas Eve to watch whether or not a massive straw goat goes up in flames is traditional." ~10k

The Amalgamation of the Whole by unicornpoe

There is magic around them tonight. Post s4, parentlock, John takes Sherlock and Rosie to the ballet. ~3k

if you like him so much then why don't you marry him by zigostia

Unilock. John gives Sherlock suggestions on what kind of things to do with his secret santa crush, including hot chocolate and ice skating...not knowing that Sherlock likes him. ~8k

To Love, Cherish and Worship by Talvikuningatar

Established relationship. Wedding night fluff and feelings. ~3k

The Sleeper and the Sleuth by Zingiber

John is a light sleeper - plagued by dreams, nightmares, and Sherlock. ~12k

Tomorrow by Berty

Magic/Spells. S3/HLV fix it. The night before Christmas with Sherlock's parents and John's wife, 221 Baker Street is peaceful with the smell of baking, candles and presents under the tree. ~10k

😍😍

Oh, my friends, it's been a long hard year by splix

Christmas for Mr./Mrs. Holmes/Eurus, Greg/Mycroft, Molly/Janine, and of course, John/Sherlock. ~12k

All Is Bright; Ch. 1: Holiday Decor by FinAmour

It had been a one-time thing, drunkenly snogging Sherlock Holmes up against the stairway wall outside of 221B. Christmas. ~500

The Lost Kiss by agirlsname

Established relationship, Next New Year's Eve, Sherlock kisses John at midnight in every time zone, to make up for that lost New Year's kiss. ~3k

All Is Bright; Ch. 7: Memories by FinAmour

NYE - John and Sherlock share 3 favourite memories of the year. ~500

Words Won't Come by FinAmour, unicornpoe

Post s4. Sherlock sways, John’s daughter in his arms, and she is happy, and Sherlock is happy. It’s all John’s wanted. ~3k

I See Fire by addicted2hugh

Sherlock tells John of the Lazarus plan. What if being faced with limited time left had led them to rethink their relationship? How would they have coped with being apart for two years? Switchlock ~38k 

Christmas Bash Romance by Elphen

AU. Sherlock goes undercover at a company party on Christmas Eve, with disguise. He's bored until he's sat next to John. They hit it off, but Sherlock leaves. John shows up at his front door. ~8k

Accidental Obvious by KimberlyAlexis

John very accidentally kisses Sherlock while picking Rosie up. ~2k

Resident Patient by MindYourOwnBismuth

AU. John is a therapist. Sherlock is forced into an appointment. ~128k

Thirty-Nine Rules by KittenKin

John and Sherlock agree to live together with a set of thirty nine ground rules to stay out of each other’s business. enemies to lovers trope. ~1k

Christmas Kismet by prettysailorsoldier

Christmas Unilock AU. SH/JW Love at first sight on the tube before they lose sight of one another. Mike then sets them up on a blind date. ~10k

Lay Your Head Where It Burns by unicornpoe

They don’t talk about it. Not now, not ever. John and Sherlock touching/cuddling before and after the Fall. ~9k

😍

Midnight Clarity by potentiality_26

ACD/Victorian. Holmes has a near miss with a bullet, and the two men declare why they can't put the other in danger. ~1k

The Bells of King's College by SilentAuror

Post TFP, Mycroft sends John and Sherlock to pose as an engaged couple at a wedding show in the hopes of solving six unsolved deaths. ~64k

Disaster, Want, and Tea by verilyvexed

It's a game they play. Engaging, though it could be improved. Sherlock always wins by default: he never runs. Christmas, mistletoe. ~4k

Meretricious -and a Happy New Year! by the_consulting_linguist (xASx)

John and Sherlock have a fight, leaving Sherlock alone to attend his parent's NYE party. He drinks too much and lies about his relationship to John. The next morning he wakes up hungover in bed with John, what happened? ~8k

Ten Questions by 221b_careful_what_you_wish_for

It's Sherlock's birthday and John has brought home chocolate cake, red wine, and a question game to celebrate. ~2k

Five Times Sherlock Reads John's Mind (+1 he doesn't have to) by wendymarlowe

Sherlock's powers of deduction allow him to practically read John's mind. Except when they don't. (Halloween 5+1 fic) ~4k

Well Enough by Unpainted Canvas (LallaChan)

ACD/Victorian. Sometimes Watson can be a little oblivious. Much to Holmes' frustration. ~2k

A Warm Winter by nutmeag83

Sherlock is bored and learns how to knit so he can make Rosie a hat, all while trying to make sure the Watsons stay at Baker Street for good. ~6k

On The Dangers Of Semi-Skimmed by loveanddeathandartandtaxes

Post s4. Sherlock accidentally walks in on John wanking. ~2k

Lost and Found by intricatearticulation (chemma66)

In which John takes a cab home and Sherlock steals said cab. ~2k

bring it back by thisguystyles

John invites Sherlock to his house for Xmas. Unilock, bedsharing ~4k

Like Minds by Kestrel337

Established relationship. Rosie's teacher says that people get married when they love each other very much and want to be together, always. Which is exactly how Rosie feels about Sherlock.~2k

Roads, Not Shrouds by verdant_fire

Retirementlock, established relationship. He's perfectly happy to live out the rest of his life feeding John and loving John and provoking John just enough to distract him from what Sherlock did to their kitchen table. ~3k

Forevermore by bluegrassbaby

Set after TFP, Sherlock gets injured and it's a wake-up call for John. ~3k

christmas miracle by elexus

John is going back home with Sherlock for Christmas. Clearly, there's nothing that could go wrong. At all. Fake/pretend relationship. ~12k

The Spirit of Love by Schattengestalt

A Christmas party at Baker Street. Mistletoe. Hidden feelings. And too much spiced punch...What could possibly go wrong?! (Trans FTM Sherlock) ~10k

😍honorable mentions😍

Ornaments and Unburied Treasure by yaycoffee

While going through boxes from storage, John and Sherlock come across a box of unsent postcards and letters Sherlock wrote to John while he was 'dead'. ~2k

Staging A Drama by berlynn_wohl

ACD/Victorian. Holmes requests the medical expertise of Dr. Watson once again. Watson is slightly baffled, but amenable. ~6k

Snow Men by yaycoffee

It's winter when John and Sherlock find each other again. ~2k

Insanitas per aquam by advictim

Mycroft sends Sherlock and John to a spa for a case. ~7k

Eggshell White Satin by PuffleLock

John's stuck at Baker street on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, cleaning up another one of Sherlock's messes. (John spills paint all over Sherlock). ~11k

A new New Years by Gem_Gem, KittieHill

NYE. “Well that’s what you’re sulking about, isn’t it? Not having anyone to kiss in the New Year with? Just do it with me if you’re so eager for it.” ~5k

[scummy-writes]

Stupid and Sappy post

*waves hands* It’s time for Scum to say bye to MM under the cut! (This is very stupid jhfbjhf)

I can already feel people rolling their eyes at me for this, especially folks who keep like, vague tweeting me and shit over my opinions about this game, but guess what bitch is gonna write this anyway! Me! sfbjhdf

(This post is going to be incoherent at places, like as I am as a person, but also! I talk about heavy subjects like suic*de, so if that gets to you, please don’t read!)

To start it off seriously: even though recently I’ve had a lot of issues over this company with their lack of warning over heavy triggering content, and their very blatantly bad customer service, I still love the original game a lot. Not in the “Oh this plot is beautiful” way, but like. This game helped me at a time when I was extremely lonely, and was dealing with a lot of heavy shit at home.

If you guys have followed me since the beginning, you know know I started this blog just a few months after downloading this game. Like riiight at the beginning of Jan 2017, I made my first post on here- this blog is two years old! I started out as a HC blog and stayed that way for a while, and I think after I hit 1k followers I finally brought up the fact that I had an AO3 account- and folks realized I had started writing fics in oct 2016 for this game! So, a lot of people know that, wow! This game inspired me a lot creatively and helped me hone my writing skills a bit more after a while not being in a writing class! (And yes, my early fics I absolutely refuse to look at because I hate how I used to write JHBJSBFS).

What a lot of folks don’t know, is that at the very beginning of august, I had gotten out of a ward after coming very close to doing something pretty bad to myself. 

Granted, I didn’t have to stay in there long- I had put myself in there so I could also leave whenever I wanted (as long as the docs deemed me safe to leave as well) but I kept myself in there for a good bit so I could do a lot of critical thinking and not stress so much about my job at the time.

Afterwards, I got out, while I wasn’t still at That Point, I was still struggling pretty bad mentally. Home life was rough, my mom was battling with a terrible boyfriend at the time that lived with us, and I was still dipping back into some pretty bad thoughts.

Then, a friend I’ve had for a while now, introduced me to this game! And, well, I already covered that it helped me a lot in the creative process, but it also helped distract me a shitton from the bad home life I had.

A lot of people probably also remember that a month after having this blog up and running, my mom tried killing herself.

Everything is still really vivid in my memory about that- because like. So many things could have gone wrong. My little brother could have fallen asleep earlier before he found her, I could have picked up that extra hour for my shift at work, this, that- but long story short she’s still alive.

But it was a terrible year for me. Probably, arguably, all of 2017 was the worst year I’ve had in my life so far. So many things happened with my mother, she was mentally unstable, and after a lot of threats against me I even had to move out until she was more stable and, you know, not threatening to hurt me/break my shit.

And, a lot of you know, while I was constantly dealing with my own mother threatening me and trying to disown me, I was also being harassed on a constant basis over juz*n bullshit. Words cannot describe how laughably stupid that whole situation was, but it was completely, utterly, ridiculous bullshit. 

Add that onto me dealing with the IRL struggles with my mom, some of which are somewhat starting to repeat even now- to the point where I’m going to be moving out again soon- well. Shit! It sucked, lol. It sucked a lot, and there were many times where I wish I was back in the hospital or worse.

But, and yes I’m gonna say exactly what yall are expecting, again- this game helped me out a lot. I constantly felt alone and worthless- my own mother was abandoning me- and these voiced sprites made me feel less alone. Gave me the attention I wish I had IRL.

And, well, a lot of my 2017 year is easy to summarize. Constantly harassed, bullied, and dealing with stupid fandom wank. But, also, filled with wonderful messages and support from you guys. 

I’ve preached before how follower counts are ridiculous to base your self worth on- and yes I still agree to that, please don’t base your self worth on follower counts. Or anyone’s! - but some of you have literally followed me since the beginning, or for a Very Long Time, if not. I may be terrible with names, but I still recognize you guys and all the kind words you’ve sent me, and I hope you guys know you helped just as much as MM was helping me.

I’m getting incoherent, but a lot of what I’m trying to say is that, this game has helped me out a shitton. That’s probably why I get so vocal about issues concerning the company- not out of a sense of ‘they owe me’ (they owe me absolutely fucking nothing), but just. It sucks seeing a game that used to be so wonderful in its prime, go so fucking downhill so fast. Customer service used to be wonderful, I remember accidentally putting down my old address for the VIP package and messaging them right after I ordered explaining I needed a change of address, and a Live Person getting back to me within the hour and fixing the issue.

Comparing that with, you know, the Four Fucking Months it took to speak to Someone Successfully about the saeran daki bullshit- then you know...Well, yeah you guys know, I’ve went off about it before.

Now it’s apparent that they’re more money hungry, with how you had to pay 900+ hgs with the recent AE stuff with V, and...hoo boy, I’m sure everyones heard enough at this point.

So, backtracking a bit because I’m chugging coffee and all incoherent, this game has brought in a lot of positives in my life. You guys, healthier distractions than what I used to do to myself, friends, creative outlets being brought back to life again. I think thats why I get so upset at the fandom, at people snapping at me for not liking some of the recent things cheritz has done- people fucking vaguetweeting me, for fucks sake, and getting so personally angry at me over how I got upset at Cheritz. Like, I’m not shitting yall, I literally lost friendships  over my opinions on cheritz.

And it sucks! Not gonna lie, like it sucks because it’s so fucking stupid. But then you take a look into the fandom- with the ongoing and constant harassment over contributors in charity zines, constant harassment over people if they like a character you don’t or vice versa, the harassment against artists concerning repostings or, god forbid, them drawing a ship you dislike- and it’s just. 

How did a game, focusing on the message of how kindness and patience can help out in so many ways, create this rabid fucking fandom?

Even content creators fight against each other. I cannot explain the bullshit I’ve seen over people being mad that they’re not on someones personal “recommended blogs to follow!” lists, over people going out of their way to harass folks because they didn’t make it on a zine, over people trying to use a follow count over why they’re much better than so and so- It’s just...Bad. All of it.

And, well. Combine Cheritz rapidly making their own game worse, in ways we all have heard about me (or others) complain about, and this terrible fandom, I think that perfectly explains why I’m uninstalling and pretty much being done with the fandom once the other stuff I’m involved in finishes.

This game brought a lot of happiness for me, and even with my recent grievances with this game, it (laughably) hurts to uninstall it. I know its ridiculous, god trusT ME i know, but it still sucks saying goodbye to something I still love, but can’t stand being around anymore. At this point, the fandom feels like an abusive ex-friend/whatever and the game used to be what good the ex had left. And now that thats getting worse...orz

I’ll always treasure the doors this game opened up for me- how it allowed me to meet amazing people, some of which I can happily say are my friends, and how it helped me become creative again, how I’ve been able to be on zines to help charities, and how I’ve been blessed to hear my writing impact people in positives ways- but here’s my sappy goodbye while I try to scrapbook the positive memories and bury the negative ones in upcoming therapy session.

If you read this far- bless yoooooou I know I sound like the damn. Crazy image of the dude with papers pinned to the wall, but I hope I made some sort of sense. Thank you!

[casgirlsam]

I posted 1,713 times in 2021

77 posts created (4%)

1636 posts reblogged (96%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 21.2 posts.

I added 146 tags in 2021

#spn wank - 27 posts

#q&anon - 26 posts

#dream smp - 25 posts

#queue a little queue for me - 15 posts

#destiel - 14 posts

#bee duo - 11 posts

#technoblade - 9 posts

#anonymous - 7 posts

#rancid nutwork - 6 posts

#loki spoilers - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 125 characters

#me now: im naming you after one of my adopted fictional children so that i can guide you and protect you through your journey

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

bridgewater team callin misha a lead of spn has got me @ bronlies like

119 notes • Posted 2021-07-27 11:12:44 GMT

#4

i love how jack, the result of human/angel relations in both nature and nurture, is the new god.

jack is the result of a human and angel being physically intimate and conceiving him into being

but he is also the result of a human and angel, the ones that adopted the newly orphaned nephilim, being in love and passing that love onto him

jack is what happens when one angel sees the best humanity has to offer all in one man and wants his son to not only see those same qualities in that man, but also strive to have them himself

jack came to be because not only did two of his fathers put faith in him from the start, but because the one that should have hated him the most loved his angel dad so much that he saw how much jack and cas were alike and couldnt help but give in

jack is what happens when you combine the best of heaven and earth

125 notes • Posted 2021-01-03 14:39:42 GMT

#3

you know what? i was gonna TOTALLY LEGALLY WATCH *wink* w4lker but after seeing what the network did? not doing it

like imagine thinking this a good idea just after the fucking violent treasonous insurrection that fnc is in part culpable for

don't give c*w another fucking second of views or another hint of engagement.  im so fucking livid.  im serious. don't even fucking pirate it. don't even THINK about that network. they are not worth a second of your time

357 notes • Posted 2021-01-16 23:22:55 GMT

#2

HEY IF EVERYONE COULD STOP SPREADING THE RUMOR THAT MISHA AND VICKI FUCKED HIS CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND THATD BE GREAT

a post that has 4,000, FOUR THOUSAND!!!, notes on it is going around and i’m fucking tired. i’m done. y’all didn’t learn from the bill clinton/misha news coverage. y’all didn’t learn from tv writer steve yockey having to come on twitter which he RARELY DOES to explain he isn’t dead.

TUMBLR IS NOT INSULATED FROM THE REST OF THE INTERNET FUCKING KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF

358 notes • Posted 2021-04-26 13:21:08 GMT

#1

i'm happy misha put pronouns in their profile but its disappointing they're still scared to come out as nb, the day they finally change it to they/them will be a day of celebration.

this is gonna come out harsh, but as someone who leans heavy into the gender fluid spectrum and uses binary she/her pronouns, im Annoyed™️ by this fucking disrespect so you can understand the harshness

you dont know whether he ids as enby or not and if he does, he can still use binary pronouns and besides that REGARDLESS: respect his pronouns for the love of fucking god

this is really disrespectful. misha’s, A REAL LIVING BREATHING PERSON’S, identity is NOT for you. it’s for HIM.

would YOU like it if someone misgendered you on purpose because they said they knew better than you? no and you shouldn’t tolerate it because thats not ok

just like what youre doing now. fucking stop.

and you know what? i knew it. i fucking knew that yall would make it about YOURSELVES. this wasnt about misha putting pronouns in his bio as an (assumed) ally. this was about yall projecting onto a man you have a parasocial relationship with and him putting the “right” pronouns in his profile.

(also he KNOWS what enby is and he KNOWS about they/them/their so stop infantilising a man in his 40s thats heavy in activism)

please stop this. it’s not good for anyone involved.

to recap: misha says HE uses HE/HIM/HIS pronouns and until HE says otherwise, YOU WILL RESPECT THAT JUST LIKE YOU WOULD FOR ANYONE ELSE

this is the only ask i’ll answer that misgenders HIM on purpose and if i get anymore, theyre getting deleted as fast as they come in. try me.

420 notes • Posted 2021-02-02 08:02:41 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[angry-healers]

yall entitled af with your comm bs, not liking fast and efficient runs and shitting on 99% of tanks lol

Do I really need to apologize to you for preferring a run that’s literally a minute slower and less stressful on my anxiety riddled ass? A run that is ‘efficient’ and ‘fast’ for 3 members of the party but annoying as hell and extremely stressful for the fourth member is not a good run at all which is why this meta needs to be slashed. Those tanks out there who refuse to slow their roll literally would rather suffer multiple wipes then eat a 30-minute queue than tack on 2 minutes to their dungeon run. And 99% is an overstatement, you callus wank. It’s more 50% because even I understand there are actual nice tanks out there who would think to ask before running off waving their sword like some brain dead jackass.

I’m literally sick and tired of the same dumbass argument put out against healers who dislike large pulls. Your only argument is ‘ya’ll don’t like fast dungeons’ or ‘ya’ll don’t like efficient runs’ when the definition of fast and efficient differs between Tanks/DPS and healers and even between healers themselves-- Oh and before I even hear a word from you, ya’ll elitist healers can shut the fuck up and sit right the fuck down until you learn that not every healer plays or has the ability to play like you.

If you’re going to go cunt up about the situation, why don’t you actually try to be a decent person when playing with healers that might not want to or be able to handle more than a normal sized pull despite their gear. And if you’re a healer yourself, then who gives a hot shit if you can heal those. Congratulations, you cater to the needs of the minority. Not everyone can, though. Some might never be able to. 4-man dungeons aren’t some end game test of someone’s ability. Raids are, so keep that shit in raids.

Ya’ll are supposed to be working in tandem with all of your party members be it 8-man or 4-man or 24-man. Stop figuring you’re doing the healer a favor because you can survive this pull, or being like one of my asshole friends from a dark part of my life and just going for the murder against my will resulting in multiple wipes because he’s trying to “train me”. Fuck that shit. The healer learns at their own pace. The TANK learns at their own pace. The DPS learn at their own pace. If you don’t know who the fuck they are, you have no say in how they play. Feel free to provide advice, but don’t force or expect. If you don’t like it then leave the dungeon, eat your 30-minute penalty and leave them alone.

Also, on the commendations part, there is nothing wrong with expecting some recognition when your party drags you through an extremely stressful run because the tank is pulling wall to wall and you all survive. Just because your healer is quiet or not showing obvious signs of struggle doesn’t mean they aren’t literally having a panic attack behind the monitor. Again, we want runs where we don’t have to suffer like that. Ya’ll seem so keen on not helping to provide that kind of environment.

-- Mod Mhi

[ryodan]

Do you watch Boruto? What do you think of the newest episode that covers Gaiden? Satisfactory or no?

ask me something you’ve always wondered

no I dont ahh its too childish and fillery for my taste. I am on 4G and i’m using my data to read and watch Haikyuu!! plus update my tumblr and study (ill watch gaiden when the whole thing is out when im back home with stable wifi). From what i’ve seen i’d give the animated rendition a 5/10. I am not impressed tbh, the animation style after the last kept going down hill and it’s at lowest point rn. The characters look nothing like their manga counterparts and they aren’t even trying to make them look better, the designs are messed up, the animation is so stiff it’s like you can TELL they used the same drawing and frames to avoid spending money. I am beyond done with SP. That scene with Sarada in the library is just unnecessarily stupid and makes no sense and the lead up to gaiden just shat on ss with the 2 minute date bullshit. People bitch that people who complain are setting the bar too high but? do these people even WATCH anime? Naruto has been shat on by the rest of the anime community for its shitty animation quality, inconsistent fillers and annoying fan base.  

‘they just want to meet a weekly deadline!’ then fucking WAIT like other animation studios do…don’t fuck up kishimotos immaculate art, dont destory Tokyo Ghouls story in s2 and don’t help fuel Bleach’s shipping wars you unprofessional shit house. Why are anime like SNK, BNHA and Haikyuu!! held at such high standards? They give themselves time to ensure the best project execution. I am not asking SP to wait 90 years like SNK but holy fuck the amount of fillers and shitty animation quality is a viral joke at this point..RIGHT after the wedding episodes (which were made to be ugly comic relief style to avoid budget overload) boruto was released which already meant screwed up stiff frame animation that makes me so annoyed because SP CAN do better..they did some crisp frames for bleach, some beautiful fluid fights in naruto, some seamless frames in TG and all in all have had some great graphics. If they can pull some amazing animations like that then how good will they be if they fucking WAIT and do the simplest job- give people what’s in the manga since you are shitty writers and animate to the best of their capacity. Stop with the excessive fillers that shit on characters and add plot holes to the original work that the author worked so hard on and simply do your god damn job.

A simple example since -ic yall havent noticed ive been wanking the haikyuu!! series a lot lately- you started this rant, lets look at these two animation frames of 2 hinatas, one more superior than the other

see how the animation literally focuses on one drawing, moving the frame and adding that effect to give the LEAST amount of effort into the animation? Anime is meant to be pretty and fluid, this is literally just MOVING LINES.

look at this fluid ass eye shot where EVERYTHING is thought out, down to the wind motions moving the hair as he jumps. There is more than one drawing of the eye to give the scene fluidity and even the ‘still’ frames such as his hair are drawn more than once to make them move seamlessly and give them kinetic momentum. The hair moves with the wind and the eye focuses on the enemy as he moves. Thats an animation.

In fact, further wanking haikyuu!! (and literally any other series with a studio that gives a shit) here is a fun fact: in an animation of orange boys eyes, they are made to move with MULTIPLE different drawings, as much as SIXTY different drawings for an animation that lasts less than 5 seconds…and then when the studio goes into one drawing animations they make sure to add movements, shadings and vibrant backgrounds to still make everything look appeasing to the eye and fluid. Compare that to SP who do one drawing FULL BODY frames and do their best to avoid spending time and money to yield results that are as beautiful as THIS

In that jump scene the camera angle and fade out is literally just made to symbolize one of the characters view of the match as he is so absorbed into giving the jumping kid the ball and is so singularly focused on the ball…this goes FULL circle (yes they even kept that much attention to detail in mind) when the match is then shown in an objective manner for the audience with the camera angle showing us the height of his jump and it shaking to show us the impact of it all and then fades out again because orange kid is focusing as he spikes the ball…it’s literally a beautiful piece of animation. They went as far as animating an exaggerated idealized CORRECT and accurate to real life volleyball pose..the attention to detail pays off immensely. 

Even when on a budget, anime is the art of animation..the entire genre of media is based on aesthetic animation. Every shading, shadow, camera angle given by the director, frame and drawing makes a huge difference to the visual story telling aspect of the story. SP not only fucks up the basic definition of an anime but they ALSO add their shitty writing to top it off. 

sorry for the rant omg I went off on a tangent.

What about you? What do yall think?

[smokeybrand]

Smokey brand Movie Reviews: Straight to the Dark

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. I hate this movie. I hate it. It’s bad, man. Fundamentally terrible. It’s a bad Star War. It’s a bad film in general. Everything is terrible. All of it. It’s so terrible. Here’s a list of the terrible stuff:

The Bad

Movie gives away the massive twist in a test crawl. It literally says that Palpatine called the galaxy and said, “Surprise, b*tch. Bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.” That’s how this movie starts. That’s how i knew it was going to be a bad time.

Sh*t goes into montage of Kylo Ren murdering a bunch of nameless asshole. No plot progression of thematic weight. We don’t know who any of these assholes are, he’s just in the woods, with an entire battalion of Stormtroopers, murdering cats for one of the many, many, mcguffins in this fetch quest of a goddamn film.

Where did all of the Stormtrooper bodies go? They just f*cking disappeared. There’s, like, three of these asshole. Kylo had an entire ship of troops. The f*cc is shot continuity??

The movie doesn’t tell you this because f*ck being good at telling a story, but the people Kylo is slaughtering are Vader Occultists. hat’s right, they worship Darth Vader as a god and yet, here they are trying to murder his living, breathing, grandson? For real? He’s their version of Jesus and you’re going to fight him to the death over some sh*t that probably belongs to him anyway by birthright? Okey-dokey.

gain, none of that is stated or shown in the actual film. F*ck thematic weight or unique story telling, we got an entire original trilogy to wank instead.

So, five minutes in, Kylo finds Palpatine and the “Emporer” is like, “It was me, Barry.” and shows him a bunch of Snoke clones in a jar or some sh*t. Wat. What the f*ck ws all that sh*t Snoke was talking then? About being older than the Sith and talking all that good sh*t? How could Snoke have trained anyone in anything if he was a f*cking puppet the whole time??

Smash cut to Finn yelling about some sh*t. F*ck, they murdered the agency in this character, man. Former Stormtrooper, abandoning his space Nazi rhetoric to became a freedom fighter, who is possibly force sensitive? And he’s one of the six black folks in a galaxy, far, far, away? Hell yeah! Two movies later, syke! Finn is a weenie that can’t do anything by suck Rey’s dick. Welcome to Kathleen Kennedy’s “Force is Female” agenda, boys! Take all of the agency and creativity for the male leads and give it to Rey because f*ck you!

And before you brand me some neckbeard chauvinist, i have no problem with all of the mary sueness that is Rey. There are ways, in-universe, to explain that. No, i am upset that all of that mary sueness came at the expense of literally every other main character in this goddamn trilogy! It’s dope Rey is so strong for no goddamn reason. whatever, f*ck you, but to sacrifice and semblance of an interesting supporting cast? Really? are you serious right now? How does that a good story, make? specially when there was so much fertile ground to develop at the end of Awakens.

Uncanny valley Carrie Fisher. They cut old footage of her into this flick because Rey needs a master. guess what? Se had one. Guess what? Mark Hamil is actually still alive! Why did you need Fisher when you could have just not killed Luke or had him actually train her in Last Jedi or not killed him off so he could be around to enrich Episode IX like everyone had signed up for? Instead, yall decide to Frankenstein old footage of Carrie Fisher into this flick in the most clumsy way possible.

How the f*ck is Carrie Fisher versed well enough in the force to teach Rey anything?? What does she even know?? She literally stopped 30 f*cking years ago! How are you a master of anything?

So, the exposition in this movie is absurd. Cats just sit round in a group and tell you the plot. Constantly. There is literally no time for this film to actually show you hings barbecue we gotta get this sh*t done, so they just TELL you EVERYTHING in a goddamn MOVIE!

This movie feels like the climax of a film, for 2nd a half hours. And not just any film because Endgame did that to wildly different results, but a bad film. Like, a Michael Bay film. It feels like the ass shots and explosions of the end to a Michel Bay film, but the entire movie. It has about the same amount of substance and urgency as f*cking The Rock or some sh*t, with all of the narrative strength to boot.

They keep referring to Anakin’s lightsaber as Luke’s, this entire trilogy, and it’s pissing me off. Luke’s saber was green because he was a Jedi Sentinel. He wanted to know the ways of the Force. That was his path to Mastery. Anakin’s was blue because he was a Jedi Guardian. He wanted to use the force to protect those around him since he had lost so much. That’s why he was so skilled at dueling. Luke’s lightsaber f*cking disappeared or some sh*t. It ws never addressed.

Bro, this teleporting sh*t. For real? The Force is basically telekinesis and telepathy. It’s not magic, my dude. What the f*ck is this teleporting bullsh*t all of a sudden? There is no precedence for this in Legends or canon. you can’t keep ex machina-ing sh*t, especially when the driving force of your narrative is a goddamn mcguffin chase!

Jetpack Stormtroopers that launch from the back of desert motorcycles. The entire sentence is some sh*t a fourteen year old try-hard would write in his fan fiction. It has no place in a proper Star War. Bad J.J. Bad.

Stormtroopers can hit the broad side of a barn yet, this one jetpack trooper not only blew up both of your getaway vehicles, but did it mid flight? For real? b*tch, how? Were THEY using the goddamn force??

Nope! Plot contrivance because they needed to get tuck in that specific quicksand, right specifically now!

Force Heal? Really? F*ck, whatever, man. Force Heal. Force Teleport. F*ck, I’m surprised there’s not Force Time Travel. Sh*t man, there might be. Palpatine is alive and he blew the f*ck up when his Death Star did!

Everything about C-3PO and this stupid Sith dagger mcguffin. Everything.

Oh, Poe. I thought they did Finn dirty bit you? Holy sh*t. Dude was a Spice runner? Really? Not even a hint to any of that before but now, because there’s no time to actually flesh out his character properly, you just drop that? When we first met, you were an ace pilot and hero for the Resistance. Rian Johnson got his claws into you with Kathleen Kennedy’s blessing, and you became a mutinous manbaby. Now, you’re an outright space coke runner. Character assassination at it’s finest, if you can call what they gave Poe a character to begin with.

First Order blockade mcguffin, i choose you! Thank you faceless character i just met that Poe has apparently known for decades or whatever, f*ck you!

More Force Teleport fighting!

Dyad in the Force, huh? okay. I thought Snoke did that to f*ck with Kylo in the last movie but whatever. I don’t care anymore. F*ck you.

So Rey finds out she’s a Palpatine and has an emotional crisis. For less than a minute because f*ck emotional levity or character growth, we gott get this sh*t done!

So you introduce an entire platoon of Stormtrooper deserters, give Finn a non-Jedi love interest, and just gloss over all of that with a single conversation of exposition? Really? That could have been a really great part of his person journey but NOPE! F*CK YOU!!

Leia dies for no apparent reason. apparently, when you use your Force powers after a long time, you just croak? Okey-dokey.

Kylo Ren outright dominates Rey until he feels his mom die and Rey take an opportunity to sucker stab him in the gut. AND THEN she feels Leia die. Really? Why do you never see the force when you’re supposed to? Your f*cking master just just croaked and it visibly traumatized her sun and your first instinct is to f*king murder him? for real, b*tch?

Han Solo ghost. Apparently, that n*gga was a secret Jedi or some sh*t. I dunno. F*ck you.

So Rey heals Kylo, steals his ship, and flies off to Luke’s hermit world just to throw a goddamn tantrum until Luke’s Force Ghost shows up and tell her to calm her tits. He physically interacts with her. He raises his old X-Wing so she can fly to Pappy Palpatine’s Ice Shack.  WHY HAS HE NOT BEEN HELPING TO TRAIN HER THIS ENTIRE F*CKING TIME???

Speaking of that X-Wing, how the f*ck can it even fly?? It’s literally been underwater for at least two decades.

Also, Luke had a Jedi wayfinder? n*gga, how? Rey destroyed the one she got off the Death Star II corpse. Where the f*ck did this other one come from??

Pappy Palpatine has spent the last two or three decades creating a fleet of Star Destroyers with Death Star cannons connected to them and, in that time, he couldn’t clone himself a proper body? Are you serious?? I feel like resources probably should ave been devoted to that first. Motherf*cker has jars upon jars of Snokes but you expect me to believe that they couldn't create one, legitimate, clone? Are you serous? These motherf*ckers hollowed out an entire planet and put a gun in it that use suns as bullets, but you can’t clone a decent body to put yourself in? For real?

Speaking of these Death Star Destroyers, why do they still have the same goddamn weakness of the Death Star I?? Bro, you had sixty f*cking years to fix this ONE goddamn problem and Nope! Blow up the gun, blow up the ship! My guy, two Death Stars and a Starkiller Planet but you ain’t fix this one flaw??

Okay. Okay... Palpatine’s grand plan, aside for try-trying-tryinging-tryinginging the world gun plan again, is to have Rey kill him so his Force Ghost can Force Possess her body. What is she just walks away? What is he just says no? This is a bad plan, man.

Oh! i forgot. Hux was the spy. Because he outright says it, audibly, in the middle of a First Order starship, which is notorious for having all sorts of monitoring system like cameras and microphones, right before he’s murdered for being the spy! Bruh.

Ben Solo shows up, redeemed for some reason, and promptly gets his ass handed to him by the Knights of Ren. Until Rey Force Teleports his grandad’s light saber to him, at which point his entire style changes and he slaughters his bros. MAGIC!!

We Force Draining life  to regrow my zombie body out’chea, manq!

After Rey properly Mace Windu’s Pappy Palpatine into oblivion, she dies for no apparent reason. WHY??

Wasn’t this EXACTLY what Pappy wanted? he WANTED her to kill him so he could haunt her titties or some sh*t? You did exactly the plan, man! Why didn’t it work?? PLOT CONTRIVANCE, THAT’S WHY!

F*cking Reylo, dude. F*cking Reylo...

Ben dies at the end. For no goddamn reason. And fades away to Jedi Ghost immortality. Proper Skywalker boss sh*t!

I hope he Forced Knocked Up Rey. Gotta keep that line alive and Ben was caressing her tum-tum real passionately.

Why the f*ck would she just move into Luke’s house on Tatooine? That place is the worst! it’s got terrible history with all of the Skywalkers, including Anakin! That’s just bad juju right there.

Where the f*ck did Rey get that Yellow Kaiburr crystal from?

“I’m Rey. Rey Skywalker.”

You had forty, real life years, worth of material to pull from and seven years to come up with a way to stick this landing and you sh*t the bed this hard? Really? Nothing is earned. Nothing is deserved. It’s all just a sticky wet fart.

The Verdict

Admittedly, those are issues i had as a fan. I would put on my movie critic hat and properly critique why, functionally, this is a bad film but i am too tired to do that now. Look, man, this thing has potential. There are so many plot threads that could have gone somewhere but Rise is not about that life. They’re here to do everything in their power to retcon everything Last Jedi and Kathleen Kennedy allowed to happen therein. And they do that well enough but at the expense of their own goddamn narrative. This was course correction that should have been two, entire, separate, films. So much good sh*t could have been gleaned from this narrative if it was two proper movies but corporate was like nah, bruh. Get this sh*t done. We’ll stop making these things for two years and people will forget. Nope.

You can’t forget this sh*t. I can’t forget this clusterf*ck i just wasted my life watching. And it didn’t have to be! That’s what kills me! There is more than enough in this film to redeem the franchise. If this specific story was broken up; If these plot points and characters were given enough room to breathe, sh*t could have worked! Ther eis so much fertile ground here to craft a dope story for fans, old and new but NOPE! F*ck that! Cowabunga it is! We’re going to cram all of that sh*t into one movie and f*ck you! We’re going to spend half the narrative erasing The Last Jedi instead of progressing this plot because f*ck you! We’re going to bring back someone who had to be unspoken, impossibly, resurrected to win back the fans because f*ck you! Give them some goddamn Reylo because f*ck You! That’ll shut you the f*ck up! F*ck this movie, man. This sh*t could have been special but you let an ego driven, misandrist ruin forty years of canon for the clout.

Watching this goddamn movie made me piss blood, man, that’s how much it hurt.