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magnusmysteries · 4 years ago

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Part 4: The Sixteenth Fear

The Magnus Archives was a horror podcast. It is now completed. Many of the show’s mysteries were never explained on the show. I intend to explain them. Spoilers for the show, but also spoilers if you wanna solve these mysteries yourself.

In part 3 I said every fear has an opposite. But the Flesh didn’t exist before the industrial revolution. So there would have been 13 fears then, an uneven number, and not every fear could balance against an opposite. So how could that be?

The answer is, there were only 12 fears before the Flesh. The Corruption and the Desolation used to be the same fear.

Diego Molina of the Lightless Flame cult worships Asag. A Sumerian god of disease that could make fish boil. So Asag seems to be of both the Corruption and the Desolation.

In Infectious Doubts Arthur Nolan complains about it: “Not like I can vent to the others about what a prat Diego is. Got a lot of funny ideas. Still calls the Lightless Flame Asag, like he was when he was first researching it. I just really wanna tell him to get over it; I mean Asag was traditionally a force of destruction, sure, but as a church we very much settled on burning in terms of the – face we worship, and some fish-boiling Sumerian demon doesn’t really match up, does it? Plus there’s a lot of disease imagery with Asag that I’ll reckon is way too close to Filth for my taste, but no, he read it in some ancient tome, so that’s that –“

Ancient is the key word. The tome predates the industrial revolution and the Flesh. Asag probably isn’t a thing anymore and Diego is indeed a prat for worshipping it.

In The Architecture of Fear Smirke writes “I know you say the Flesh was perhaps always there, shriveled and nascent until its recent growth, but to grant the existence of such a lesser power would throw everything into confusion. Would you have me separate the Corruption into insects, dirt, and disease? To divide the fungal bloom from the maggot?”

It is not random that Smirke uses the Corruption as an example here. The Corruption is the opposite of the Flesh, so the Corruption is the fear that Smirke believed had no opposite for hundreds or thousands of years.

In part 3 I said vampires where Corruption/Desolation/Hunt. This is a little far-fetched, but I wonder if the vampire’s we’ve seen have been old ones that predate the Flesh. And that’s why they are part Corruption, since Corruption and Hunt used to be next to each other. Maybe there are more modern vampires without the long sucking tongue. Maybe instead of sucking blood, when they bite you begin to burn or boil. Since the Hunt is now next to the Desolation instead of the Corruption-Desolation combo.

In Vampire Killer Trevor says “I have killed five people that I know for sure as vampires, and there are two more that may or may not have been.” There is a missing middle part of Trevor’s statement. Maybe there he talks about killing two vampires that are modern and therefore different so he’s not sure if they’re actually vampires.

Speaking of fears splitting up, why is the Darkness the opposite fear of the Slaughter? In Last Words we hear of the first fear “A fear of blood and pounding feet, a fear of that sudden burst of pain and then nothing.”

And of the second fear “The fear of their own end, of the things that lived in the darkness, became a fear of the darkness itself.”

I think the first was a general fear of violence. It includes what became the Hunt “Blood and pounding Feet...” and the Slaughter “...Sudden burst of pain and then nothing”, and the End “The fear of their own end…” And the second fear was the Darkness. They were the opposite by default, simply for being the two first fears.

When the Buried became a fear, the Hunt split up from the Violence to oppose it. When the Vast became a fear, the End split up from the Violence to oppose it. All that was left of the Violence was Slaughter, still opposing the Dark. When humans began warfare, fear of war fit nicely with the Slaughter.

The Eye might have been part of the Dark at first. Still from Last Words: “...because they knew the dark held flashing talons and shining eyes…”

When the Lonely became a fear, the Eye split up from the Dark to oppose it.

So what about the Extinction? Does it have an opposite? Yes! There is a sixteenth fear. And what can be the opposite of the fear of the end of the world? The fear that the world isn’t real. That we’re all just living in a computer simulation. If you think the world isn’t even real, you’re not gonna be so worried about it ending. I’ll call it the Simulation.

Here is how the fears are arranged on the wheel, with the two latest fears added:

Description of image: A circle with 16 spots similar to a clock. On each spot is a number and the name of a power: 1. Corruption. 2 Extinction. 3. Desolation. 4. Hunt. 5. Slaughter. 6. End. 7. Lonely. 8. Stranger. 9. Flesh. 10. Simulation 11. Spiral. 12. Buried. 13. Dark. 14. Vast. 15. Eye. 16. Web.

The Extinction is next to the Corruption. Disease and garbage are both gross. Possessive is an Extinction episode, even if not acknowledged as such by any of the characters. It’s about garbage. And Maggie is creating people out of garbage. She is making the inheritors mentioned in Time of Revelation. There are also creatures made of garbage in Concrete Jungle. And Maggie was full of moving insect legs, showing Corruption influence.

Quote from Adelard Dekker from Rotten Core: “I’ve spoken before about how keenly I’ve watched news of possible pandemics, which is where I suspect the Extinction may pull away from the Corruption during its emergence.” Adelard knows the Extinction is next to Corruption.

The Extinction is next to Desolation. That fits, nuclear weapons cause fire. Quote from Times of Revelation, describing corpses: “They were stiff, and desiccated, mummified by some process Bernadette could not begin to guess at, but that rendered their flesh like tightly packed ash” Ash as if they were burned.

The Simulation is next to the Flesh. The Flesh makes you think humans aren’t people, they are just meat. The Simulation makes you think humans aren’t people, they are just NPCs.

The Simulation is the next to the Spiral. Both make you question what is real. The Spiral makes you doubt your mind, the Simulation makes you doubt your world.

There are four episodes about the Simulation: Binary, Zombie, Cul-de-sac and Reflection.

In Binary Sergey Ushanka uploads his mind into a computer. He becomes a simulation and it hurts. There is influence by the Spiral, the statement giver isn’t sure if she’s going crazy. And there is influence by the Flesh. Ushanka uploads himself into a computer and then he eats the computer. So that’s cannibalism.

In Zombie the statement giver thinks other people aren’t real, they’re philosophical zombies, In other words they like simulations or NPCs. The man that follows her repeats the phrase “Just fine, thank you for asking” and says nothing else. Just like some NPCs in video games will say the same phrase over and over. The man is identical the three times they meet, except for his t-shirt changes color. Sometimes in video games some NPCs will be identical, except for some colors are changed. (Because it’s less work to recollar a character than to draw one from scratch.)

John thinks Cul-De-Sac is about the Lonely. And yes, the statement giver was lonely. But the people affected by the Lonely choose to be lonely, and the statement giver didn’t. His boyfriend broke up with him because of cheating and then he lost his friends because they sided with his boyfriend.

I think the theme of the statement is unreality, not loneliness. In the Magnus Archives, when someone gets marked by a power it is because they made some wrong choice. The choice the statement giver makes is to return to the place he found dead and soulless. He drives back to his ex-boyfriend to deliver the moose, rather than send it by mail. He specifically wants to meet his ex. Not an act of loneliness, quite the opposite. Also he is returning a moose that is angular and creepy, in other words it is unreal.

When the statement escapes from the nightmare it’s because he got a phone call from his ex. And he says “I love you.” and that fits neatly with the Lonely. But it also fits with escape from the unreal. He escapes because he communicates with a real person.

The road signs says “Road” and “Street”. Generic and unreal. All the houses look the same. Like in a computer game. The statement giver wonders if they are the same house. Like in a computer game where one might reuse the code for a house many times.

The house he enters has stock photos. Unreal.

The people on TV have something wrong with their eyes, similar to the eyes of the zombies in Zombie. And it's a fake cooking show, and a fake infomercial.

The dead woman upstairs was someone who had social media profiles, and that nobody notices had died. Meaning she lived her life online. That sounds like she was lonely. But living online also makes her a good victim for the Simulation. Everyone she talked to was on a computer, she couldn’t know for sure if they were real.

The woman had killed herself with a mirror. I think what happened was she had looked into the mirror and seen that her eyes were wrong, like the eyes of the people on TV. And she had thought she was just a simulation, like everything around her. And therefore she killed herself. Or perhaps she wasn’t reflected in the mirror at all? Like in…

Reflection. Adelard speculated that this statement was about the Extinction, but I don’t think so. The protagonist was in a world that seemed unreal. A fun fair is artificial so that fits the theme. The people were playing games, which fits the theme via computer games maybe.

Adelard says “I can’t quite get past the detail that there was no reflection at all in the mirror he used to return.” It is almost at the end of Adelard’s letter, it’s clearly meant to be significant. The no reflection might be symbolic for the statement giver starting to think he isn’t real, which might be what happened to him after he gave the statement.

Reflection has influence by the Spiral, with the maze of mirrors. There is influence by the Flesh, with the cannibalism.

#the magnus archives #tma #magnuspod #robert smirke #adelard dekker

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ladyherenya · 4 years ago

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This was more-books-than-sometimes month, because rather than take the time to write about the books I'd finished, I just read more books! Also, I read a lot over the Easter break, including some shorter books and a very binge-able series.

Also read: Two-Step and Someone Like Me by Stephanie Fournet, Hooked by Cathy Yardley, “Cloudy with a Chance of Dropbears” and “All the Different Shades of Blue” by W.R. Gingell, and “Home: Habitat, Range, Niche, Territory” by Martha Wells.

Reread: A Curse So Dark and Lonely by Brigid Kemmerer.

Total: nineteen novels (including two audiobooks and one reread), one novella collection, two novellas, two novelettes and one short story.

Cover thoughts: Bellewether’s blue cover is (unsurprisingly) my favourite. I also really like The Ghosts of Sherwood.

Still reading: A Portrait of Loyalty by Roseanna M. White and Playing Hearts by W.R. Gingell.

Next up: Torch by R.J. Anderson.

My full reviews are on Dreamwidth and LibraryThing.

The Rose Code by Kate Quinn (narrated by Saskia Maarleveld): Historical mystery about three young women who worked at Bletchley Park during WWII.

My favourite out of the books I’ve read so far this year. Most of the narrative is set during the war, but interspersed with sections set in 1947 -- when Beth, in a sanitarium after a breakdown, has sent her two estranged friends a coded message begging for help. I loved this, but at times found it stressful and heartbreaking! The writing is so lively and effective and emotional. 4½ ★

Castle Charming by Tansy Raynor Roberts: Fairytale retellings, collection of novellas.

A very entertaining and a somewhat different take on fairytales, focusing on the reporters, Royal Hounds and royalty at Castle Charming. Some of the character dynamics felt similar to those in Roberts’ Unreal Alchemy although I didn’t feel quite as attached to these characters. I’ll read the sequel. 3 ★

Bellewether by Susanna Kearsley: Historical and contemporary fiction, set in Long Island during the so-called Seven Years War in 1759 and the present day.

Alternates between a curator overseeing turning a house in a museum and some of the house’s previous occupants, including a French-Canadian Lieutenant awaiting hostage exchange. Despite the various tensions the characters face, there’s something slow and ultimately gentle about this story. Which is lovely -- I enjoyed the picturesque sense of place and astute observations of people -- but it is less dramatic than I was expecting. 3½ ★

Happy Trail by Daisy Prescott: Contemporary romance, set on the Appalachian Trail.

A park ranger and a hiker shelter together during a storm. I was fascinated by the insight into hiking the Appalachian Trail and enjoyed some of the characters’ interactions, although I thought the way the romance unfolded was somewhat anticlimactic. Not always what I wanted, but I don't regret reading it.

Legacy by Stephanie Fournet: Contemporary enemies-to-roommates-to-lovers.

Wes offers to move in with his late-best friend’s girlfriend to help her out financially. This sort of hurt/comfort appeals to me. I liked how seriously this story takes Corinne’s messy, consuming grief. I don’t really want to spend any more time with the characters, but I was very invested in seeing them reach a better place in their lives.

Two-Step by Stephanie Fournet: Contemporary romance between an actress and a dance instructor. I enjoyed reading this. I particularly enjoyed how Beau helps Iris with her anxiety about dancing and with her controlling mother/manager. He’s very supportive and understanding! But I finished this with a niggling feeling of dissatisfaction -- Iris needed more opportunity to support Beau in turn.

Someone Like Me by Stephanie Fournet: Contemporary romance between a yoga instructor and her new neighbour, who has just got out of prison.

This one didn’t particularly appeal to me. Although interesting to see the experiences of someone recently released from prison, the romance developed too quickly.

(No, I didn’t read all three of these back-to-back!)

Hooked by Cathy Yardley: Contemporary fandom-y romance novella, set near Seattle. Takes place during Level Up and is about two of Tessa’s colleagues.

I enjoyed the characters' interactions and would have liked this more if it hadn't felt rushed.

The Ghosts of Sherwood by Carrie Vaughn: Historical Robin Hood retelling, novella.

Exactly what I wanted! It alternates between Robin and Marian’s eldest daughter, Mary, and Marian herself. I liked seeing Robin and Marian as a long-married couple, who still love each other and still have disagreements. And the dynamic between their children gave me a zing of recognition, reminding me of my siblings. 3½ ★

The City Between by W.R. Gingell: Australian YA urban fantasy (murder) mysteries. Set in Hobart.

I ended up enjoying this series so much more than I’d expected to!

Between Jobs: After a neighbour is murdered, our seventeen-year-old orphaned narrator acquires some unexpected housemates -- two fae, one vampire. Once I got past the opening, with its tales of murder, the worldbuilding intrigued me. I still wasn’t sure what I thought about her housemates or the fact that they call her “Pet”, but was willing to reserve judgement until I’d read more. 3 ★

Between Shifts: About supermarket shifts and shapeshifters. Pet and JinYeong go undercover at the local grocery store. This is a reasonable murder mystery. I was initially disappointed with how something played out (but in retrospect can see how that was actually a positive development for Pet). It ended on a cliffhanger, so I was extra motivated to start the next book. 2½ ★

Between Floors: This is where the series took off, because things suddenly get personal! One of her fae housemates has been captured and the closest any of them get to finding Athelas is Pet contacting him in her dreams.This raises a lot of interesting questions, not just about Pet’s abilities, but about her relationship with her housemates. How much does she trust them and how much do they value Pet’s personhood? 3½ ★

Between Frames: Pet’s housemates are hired to investigate a series of fae deaths around Hobart, which involves scrutinising some baffling security footage. Another solid murder mystery. The final pages felt like one step forward, two steps back, but yet again, in retrospect, this was a positive development. I’m glad I could dive immediately into the next book. 3 ★

Between Homes: Pet has moved in with some friends. Hurray for Pet having friends! I think this was the point where I started to feel comfortable with Pet calling herself Pet -- when it's the name used by people she likes and trusts and who don’t view her as a pet at all. 3½ ★

“Cloudy with a Chance of Dropbears” (novelette): An awesome title and an entertaining opportunity to see Pet from someone else’s perspective -- moreover, someone who doesn’t know her or what she’s capable of. 3 ★

Between Walls: Pet’s friend Morgana is worried about an online friends and asks Pet and co to investigate his disappearance. Along the way, they discover that there are human groups who actually know a lot about Behindkind. I am also becoming increasingly entertained by the Korean vampire. 3 ★

“All the Different Shades of Blue” (novelette): A great cover and it explains who that guy at the cafe is, but otherwise didn’t really do anything Cloudy with a Chance of Dropbears hadn’t already done -- ie., show us Pet from someone else’s perspective. Most of the time, I have enjoyed this series all the more for binging it, but I suspect this particular story would have worked better if I had read it after a period of absence. 2½ ★

Between Cases: My favourite of these have been the ones where things get personal, and this involves a lot of revelations about who Pet is -- from a fae perspective -- and why her parents were murdered. I enjoyed this one a lot. 3½ ★

The Duke of Olympia Meets His Match by Juliana Gray: Historical espionage romance novella, set in 1893 onboard an ocean liner travelling to England. Apparently not the Duke’s first appearance in Gray’s fiction.

I liked the idea here much better than the execution. I liked Penelope, a fifty-year-old widow dependent upon her position as a governess, and I enjoyed her interactions with the older Duke of Olympia. But parts of the spy plot were rushed or confusing, and the resolution was almost-but-not-entirely satisfying. 2½ ★

A Vow So Bold and Deadly by Brigid Kemmerer: Fantasy. Follows on from the fairytale-retelling A Curse So Dark and Lonely and its sequel, A Heart So Fierce and Broken.

If this is meant as a conclusion to a trilogy, then the ending was a bit too anticlimactic, with a few too many loose ends, to be really satisfying. But I reached the end feeling positive about the story, because I really enjoyed the characters’ interactions. All of the protagonists have to deal with conflict in relationships. I loved the times when they each navigate these conflicts by acting fairly and communicating honestly, when doing so is often difficult and complicated. That’s realistic and satisfying. 3½ ★

“Home: Habitat, Range, Niche, Territory” by Martha Wells: Science-fiction short story. Part of The Murderbot Diaries series, set after Exit Strategy.

Very, very short but I really liked seeing things from Dr Ayda Mensah’s (third person) perspective. 3½ ★

Emily of Deep Valley by Maud Hart Lovelace: Historical coming-of-age fiction, set in Minnesota in 1912-3.

I am very glad to finally have read this! It’s delightful, a fascinating insight into community life in a Minnesotan town, and it effectively captures the emotional experience of navigating a period of transition. After high school, Emily’s friends leave for college, but Emily has to find her own path to purposefully fill her time, build connections and further her education. 4 ★

On Wings of Devotion by Roseanna M. White (narrated by Susan Lyons): Romantic historical mystery, set in London during 1918. Christian fiction. Features characters from The Number of Love.

Arabelle Denler is a nurse working in a London hospital; Phillip Camden is an airman now working for British Intelligence. I enjoyed their interactions, especially once they start to get to know each other. I didn’t like the antagonist’s contribution to this narrative -- between the dangers of wartime and the protagonists’ respective issues, there’s enough tension without her. But what I enjoyed about this story outweighed what I didn’t. 3½ ★

Our Darkest Night by Jennifer Robson: Historical fiction set during the Nazi occupation of Italy in WWII.

Nina, a young Jewish woman from Venice, goes into hiding by pretending she’s married to Nico, a Catholic farmer. Robson’s strength lies in pairing details of daily life with likeable characters, realistic dialogue and a sweet romance. I read this quickly and eagerly. But if the characters had been more nuanced, more complex, or if their emotions had been conveyed more vividly, I likely would have found reading this a more emotional experience. 3½ ★

#Herenya reviews books

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opheliancano · 5 years ago

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❝ and there's nothing like a mad woman what a shame she went mad no one likes a mad woman you made her like that ❞

CORINTH TASK: HEADCANONS

Andromeda: Talk about your character’s relationship with their siblings (if they have any).

Ophelia does not have any biological siblings that she knows of. She had adoptive siblings, but never had a particularly close relationship with any of them, as she was treated more like a nanny than a daughter. Once she left her hometown she never had contact with them again.

Asclepius: Talk about your character’s morality. How do they decide who is morally good and who is not? What does “good” mean to them?

Ohhhhh god. This is... a good question, with kind of a complex answer I’m not sure I can put well into words? Which is kind of funny, because as a fury, Ophelia is all about justice, and she thinks that she has a good moral center. But it’s also unquestionably been warped by her own personal experiences in her human life, like a distrust for authority figures/law enforcement and the belief that following human rules do not automatically equal being a good person. She has very much her own moral code which she holds others to, in whether she deems them a “good” or not. I think it honestly just comes down to vibes, as kind of ridiculous as it sounds. She gets a feel for people and decides off of that? Which... is not the best method probably, consider how easily Ophelia could probably be manipulated. She’s one of those people who subconsciously looks for the good in others, and wants to believe it, even if she herself isn’t aware of that fact. So it’d be more easy to fool her into believing someone is good when they’re not than it would an older fury, probably.

Atlas: Talk about how your character deals with their “responsibility” to either side of the war for the veil, if they are aware of it.

I think Ophelia sort of views herself as above it all? She’s definitely aware of it happening, has seen the power struggle between the gods in the near-century that she’s been a fury. But the way she sees it is that however it shakes out, it doesn’t really concern her? Her job is to protect the human world against these creatures the gods created to be their soldiers. On one hand, the elimination of the veil and subsequently all the supernatural creatures of the world would make it infinitely safer for humans. On the other hand, would Ophelia be considered one of the creatures that would cease to be? She was created as a sort of checks and balances to keep others from running wild, but still created into something other none the less. The question of what would happen to her should the veil fall is unclear, and while it troubles her at times, since it’s out of her grasp, she’s done a pretty good job at shoving it down and ignoring it. Her job is what matters, ultimately.

Charon: Talk about your character’s greatest fears.

It depends on what type of fear you’re looking for, honestly. If we’re talking global scale, it’d be that something happens to herself and the other furies, and then there’s nothing left to enact justice in the mortal world. But as of right now, that doesn’t seem like much of a possibility, so it’s more of a worst case scenario type fear. On a personal level, deep down she’s concerned that she’s not particularly good at being a fury. Ophelia is aware of the fact that she has a lot of feelings, sometimes too many, and is concerned it can conflict with her ability to serve her leader properly. As much as she likes to comfort Alexios that he’ll find his footing in this new life he’s stepped into, that it only takes time and practices, there are sometimes when she wonders if that’s true. She has enough righteous fury to cover the planet and then some, sure, and when she acts out her role as a harbinger of justice, there’s no feeling like it. But sometimes the waters can get muddy, where her own emotions get involved and she’s not quite sure what the right decision would be. And she worries that she’s failing in her duty.

Chronos: Talk about how your character deals with their past.

Sad and soft immortal hours baby. That’s basically it, to be honest. She’s very reminiscent, and can get hit with bouts of nostalgia by even the littlest of triggers. It’s not something she tries to run from or even suppress, unless caught at an ill-opportune time. Ophelia probably has the healthiest coping mechanism of any of my characters, because unlike the others, she doesn’t try to pretend like those feelings don’t exist, but embraces them willingly.

Circe: Talk about how your character deals with betrayal.

She’d be heartbroken. And vengeful. Ophelia naively believes that she is a good judge of character, that the people she surrounds herself with are good people at their core. Like mentioned above, her soul wants to believe in the decency of people, even when her head tells her otherwise, which is how she could almost easily find herself falling into the trap of trusting someone she shouldn’t. So long as they don’t have a neon I’M A EVIL PERSON sign over their head, she’s usually open to giving people a fair chance. To have someone betray that trust would absolutely be a crushing experience, and greatly damage Ophelia’s faith in herself and her ability as a fury; that she would become so blind as to be fooled, when she is suppose to be acting as a hand of justice to judge the character of those around her. Depending on the betrayal, and just how deep of a wound it inflicts, it could set forth a chain reaction of her questioning every decision she’s ever made in her life as a fury, and no longer trusting her instincts. And there would absolutely be hell to pay. In the literal sense. Don’t cross someone capable of dragging your ass to the Underworld for eternal torment.

Eros: Talk about your character’s love life, and how they see “love.”

Ophelia is a romantic at heart. I honestly believe she’s one of those people who could fall in love with anyone, because that’s just the type of heart she has. She’s had two serious relationships, both of which happened in her human life, that she put her heart and soul into in a way that hasn’t happened since. She’s had flings and relationships over the years of her immortality, and I think a part of her has fallen in love with each of them a little bit, all in different ways. But ultimately, none have been to the degree of her second love. As of right now, her girlfriend from her human life was the love of her life, and she still looks back on those memories in fondness and longing. At the same time though, she’s not crippled by it, and it hasn’t keep her from experiencing those emotions again with anyone else unlike Lykaon’s stubborn ass. She’s open to it, basically. Romanticizes it.

Euryale: Talk about someone’s death that would hit your muse the hardest, or their greatest loss.

I don’t think Ophelia’s been exposed to much death, really. Not at least in terms of physically witnessing it. The one that hit her hardest would be the death of her first love, a soldier boy who died in World War I, but even then it almost seemed... unreal? That because there was never a body to bury that came back, she didn’t really have to acknowledge it. The same thing with her second love, the woman she knew in Chicago. Though rationally Ophelia thinks her to be dead at this point, under the assumption she lived out a normal human life, she never had to witness it firsthand. When or if it actually happens, I imagine it’ll be a sort of a reality shock. I could honestly see her even trying to travel to the Underworld to bargain with the furies for the soul of the person, if it’s someone she particularly cares about, or at least trying to seek permission to walk them through their passage into the afterlife. Losing any of the other furies would absolutely break her, but fortunately, their species is immortal with no known methods of killing them yet.

Hektor: Talk about how your character deals with something that is out of their control.

There is very little Ophelia feels like she cannot control, in one way or another. Thus, when faced with such a problem, it perturbs her like nothing else. When something is truly, completely out of her hands, her method of dealing with it is to just ignore it. If she chooses not to acknowledge it, then it can’t affect her, right? Right. Excellent logic there.

Lamia: Talk about what other species your character would be/wants to be.

She’s very happy to be a fury, and I don’t think Ophelia would willingly trade it away for anything else. Despite the doubts she might have on whether she’s particularly good at it, she’s very grateful that Megaera gave her this gift, and would not give it up for anything. That being said, if I had to pick something else for her, when I was first playing with her character model I had her as a vampire. I think it would be interesting to mix in her strong sense of justice with a creature that’s less morally-aligned than furies are, especially one that has to feed on others to survive. Ophelia would probably be one of those vampires that’s constantly at war with her own nature, and yet using her compulsion as freely as she uses her mental manipulation currently. In her mind, she’d see herself as the hero of the story, but whether that would align with what others would view as “good” is... an interesting idea.

Lethe: Talk about if your character would rather forget certain memories or hold on to them.

Ophelia would not give up any of her memories, not even the bad ones. Again, she’s very nostalgic by nature. Her thought process is that without the bad memories, the good ones would not hold so much meaning. You can’t experience true happiness without experiencing true sadness first, and all that type of philosophy.

Medea: Talk about your characters thoughts on redemption, and if they think they need it or are worthy of it.

She is a big believer in redemption, though with her role as a fury, she does not think herself in need of it as Ophelia already views herself as on the right side.

Philotes: Talk about your character’s best friends and what friendship means to them.

Again, undoubtedly the furies. @selaxamin and @alexiosflorus, in particular, although that’s easy to say when they’re the only other ones currently in the group right now. But even with others, I think it’d be true. Sela was the one that took Ophelia under her wing when she first became a fury, fulfilling the mentor role that Ophelia now serves as for Alexios. There’s few who she looks up to so reverently as Sela, and almost no one whose opinion she values more. And Alexios she’s almost completely adopted as her son, at this point. Outside of the furies, a few friends that she’s made that she’s already beginning to care a great deal for (or will come to care for) would be @silaskyun, @ajaxgriffin, @leonidaskaratasos, @winterdupont, and maybe @atlasxrose. Ophelia has never had a problem making friends wherever she goes, because the display she puts on most of the time is that of a charming, kind young woman.

(The) Phonoi: Talk about your character’s view on murder.

Mixed. Unjustified murder is bad, obviously. She doesn’t have to be a follower of Tisiphone to know that. But at the same time, a murder can be justified. Like someone acting in retribution for a wrong. So long as it’s justifiable, or she can reason it, then Ophelia can condone it. There was actually a meme I answered on this scenario, where she walked in on Atlas committing a murder, and honestly it’s pretty accurate to how she would respond, especially if it were someone that she cares about. You can read it here if you want.

Ponos: Talk about what would make your character emotionally break.

Again, I feel like betrayal would be pretty high up there. But also, like previously mentioned as well, witnessing the death of someone she cared about.

Tartarus: Talk about your character’s view on retribution.

It’s her whole thing, baby. What she’s been put on this earth to do. Retribution is a big part of who Ophelia is, to the point where if she witnesses an injustice happening, she cannot rest until she corrects it. It does not matter whether it happens to her, someone she knows, or even a stranger on the street. She cannot abide by immorality that harms others unnecessarily, and if the person that was wronged is unable to enact justice themselves, then she will be the one to do it.

#corinth.task #&. — musings #&. — headcanons #&. — char inspo #will i be sticking folklore lyrics on the top of each of these? maybe so

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snowkatze · 6 years ago

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These Violent Delights

Link to ao3: These Violent Delights Genre: angst and fluff Word Count: 4357 Summary: Simon is watching 'Romeo and Juliet' in Magic History and he watches Baz write something on a paper. Later, Simon finds the paper and sees that Baz wrote a romantic sonnet. Who is he in love with? Includes one quote from Wayward Son but no spoilers. There’s also quotes from 'How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)' by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, '[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]' by e.e. cummings, 'Love Sonnet XI' by Pablo Neruda and 'Annabel Lee' by Edgar Allen Poe, and 'Romeo and Juliet' by William Shakespeare.

___

Leonardo DiCaprio is one gorgeous bastard. I've always thought so, when I was watching Titanic with Agatha during the Christmas holidays. (I think she wanted me to hold her hand. Maybe she wanted me to see what an epic romance looks like. I missed the cue. On both accounts.) He also makes one hell of a Romeo. Like, I get why Juliet would lay down her life for him. He's wearing a medieval knight costume to a party on screen. He's got a cheap fake sword, too, but unfortunately, he's not using it. It's not really that interesting, right now. Nobody's getting stabbed. Juliet is so enamored with Romeo. She's such a fool, really. Baz' hair is blocking the corner of the screen. It's fluffed up and soft on top of his head.

I've stabbed goblins, trolls, merwolves, a dragon, once... I've never been to a party. Baz would look good in a knight costume. Or with angels wings. Demons wings, maybe. Is that a thing?

Baz is taking notes, because of course he is. Even when we're watching a movie in class. Penny's right next to me, she's not taking notes. I'm not taking notes. I mean, we all know the story, right? Romeo and Juliet fall in love, their families have a feud that any Family Feud host would keel over because of, in the end they kill each other or something... Baz turns his head, and I can see that his hair falls in a swoop over his forehead. How tragic... Maybe I'll end up stabbing Baz. I just hope he'll - ...

I really should have held Agatha's hand when I had the chance.

I try to drag my gaze back to the screen, but the top of Baz' head is pretty distracting. Maybe he sat in front of me on purpose, so I couldn't see. He knows damn well how tall he is.

Baz is well fit – I mean – Romeo is – I mean – Juliet. No, Agatha. I like Agatha. Merlin, what is wrong with me?

Romeo's not that fit, obviously. I mean, in a way, yeah. In a, I'd like to have arms that strong, way. In a, I'd like to have eyes that bloody gorgeous, what the hell? The director's called Baz, apparently. I didn't know there were people called Baz. Not so unique now, are you, Baz? I guess he's not actually called Baz. I don't suppose there's anyone else called Tyrannus Basilton bloody Grimm-Pitch. Bummer. Baz would make a great director, for sure. He's great at yelling people and ordering them around, for starters. He's also great at everything. Wow, they're talking for so long. Someone stab me. Crowley, his hair is so nice. I want - I want his shampoo. What the fuck is he writing? Is he already doing the homework? Sneaky bastard. Maybe I should call him out. Maybe I should start on the homework.

I start poking Penny with a pencil.

“Sod off,” she says.

I turn back to the screen. There's some argument. Two of the guys start punching each other, Romeo tries to go between them...

“Who's that?” I whisper to Penny. “Tybalt and Mercucio,” she whispers back. “Merlin, have you been watching at all?” A scratch? What is happening? Is this guy dying? My eyes are drawn to the screen. Suddenly, I feel unusually cold.

'A plague on both your houses...' he says... I grip the sleeve of my sweater. I watch as Mercucio dies, I watch as Romeo gets revenge on Tybalt... I watch Romeo and Juliet in the chapel... Baz sits up straight. He has stopped writing. I watch as Romeo drinks posion, thinking Juliet is dead... As Juliet reaches out for him... I thought Romeo's eyes were blue before, but in the close-up of his face when he's dying, they look kind of grey, almost like Baz'... I grip my sleeve tighter. I watch as Juliet shoots herself. But I can't watch the back of Baz' head anymore. I focus on the other corner of the screen and don't look away until the bell rings. What's wrong with dancing and parties? The screen goes black and my gaze snaps back to Baz.

Why does someone always has to get stabbed?

He's shoving his stuff in his backpack, all except for the paper he'd been writing on. He crumples it and throws it in the trashcan by the door. I keep looking at the door, even after he's gone. “Simon?” It's not an inevitability, is it? Romeo and Juliet, dying...

“Simon?” I mean, I knew, of course. Everyone knows. Romeo and Juliet die in the end.

“Simon.” It couldn't go any other way. “Simon!”

I snap my head around. Penny is looking at me. Why is she looking at me? “Simon, are you – crying?” Her eyes turn soft now. I try to unclench my jaw.

“No, I -”

I unclench my hand and touch my cheek. My fingers come back wet. Oh.

“It was just...” I start. “Just such a sad story.”

“It's Romeo and Juliet,” she says. “It's the sad story.” “I know,” I say. “I was expecting it, ob– obviously. But it still – still hit me like a ton of bricks.”

A truckload of bricks. A mountain of them. Even though I was expecting it.

I'm overwhelmed with the urge to count the days left until the end of the school year. How many days before...

I shoot up out of my seat. “How many hours til lunch?” I say and smile at Penny. She smiles back, but I can tell she's still cautious.

“You can't go a minute without thinking about food, can you?” she says and we start walking out of the class room. She tells me about what sentences from Shakespeare she thinks you can still make spells out of. She doesn't notice when I stop at the door. No one's left in the class room. No one sees when I duck down and pick up the crumpled paper Baz put in the bin and shove it in my pocket.

I catch up with Penny.

So, that was that for Magic History. I grab the strap of my backpack a little tighter than I usually would.

I think I'll have sour cherry scones for lunch.

___

After last period, I go to the restroom and perch myself up on the toilet seat. With jittery hands, I pull the crumpled paper from my pocket. I unfold it carefully, then close my eyes. Why did Baz throw this away? It can't just be notes, then. Baz wouldn't throw away his notes, unless he'd copied them carefully into his notebook before. Whatever is on this paper, Baz didn't want anyone to see. It's probably nothing. Just scribbles or maybe a sketch. I shouldn't do this, right? But – it's Baz.

I open my eyes and read. I am your Petrarchan sonnet, you are my Shakespearean tragedy

We are no star-crossed lovers but (You were the sun and I was crashing into you)

Ne'er dare there escape me no greater sigh and ne'er there be a lost soul more forlorn than me, gazing into thy pale blue eye, thou art my most cherished oxy-moron I call you tedious fool though the only fool is me you are my downfall (it's not the only way I fall) How unfair for thy image to be fair

Sanguine, for thy hope, for I am out for blood I will bear this burden, for I am bare

to the snow that burns me, the words that cut I wish we could run, my love runs deep, Fearing how soon we will run out of time Thy face when thou say'st 'wow' makes me say 'woe' I, your antithesis, thou art my rhyme There's no reason Stake my heart, deliver thy killing blow Upend me with bronze curls, torturous lips When thou bitest thy thumb but never thy lips Upend me with smiles, the beauty thou art, fuck you and curse what thou doth to my heart I read it twice. Except for the words he's crossed out, I don't really know what it means. But I do recognize the form and rhyme scheme. We talked about it in Magic History just last week. It's a sonnet. We're watching Shakespeare, and what does Baz do? Write a fucking sonnet. The pretentious arsehole. The complete wanker. Maybe it's a coded message and this is the key to uncovering one of Baz' plots. That would make sense of the fucking gibberish it is. Maybe someone else was meant to pick it up out of the bin. But there'd be easier ways if he wanted to pass something on to Dev or Niall. Maybe he meant for me to find it. No.

I don't fully understand, but my throat runs dry when I read it again. I feel cold again and I bite my lip because I feel like I'll make some noise otherwise. Love. He crossed it out, but it's still there. Baz is talking about love. Aleister Crowley.

Baz doesn't love anyone, or anything. He's a vampire. They can't. Maybe he was making fun of sonnets. Or of Romeo and Juliet. It could be like – creative writing. Fictional. Unreal. But it just feels a little too – honest.

Baz loves his mother. He talks about her like she hung the moon. He loves playing football. He's so fucking good at it, too. He loves school, he puts his entire soul into it. (He has a soul.) He eats Salt and Vinegar Crisps at night.

Crowley. He's in love with someone. No. He's tragically in love with someone. I don't know what to think.

Who? Who would Baz Pitch write tragic sonnets about? Who does he love so much? Is it Agatha? It has to be Agatha. Maybe he thinks he can't be with her. Crowley, why does he make it sound like such a tragedy? He's in love. He should be soaring. He should be happy. He could have anyone. (Well. Not anyone. But it's not like he wants me.) I realize I've hidden here for quite some time; Penny will be worried. I fold the paper carefully in put it back in my pocket. I make my way into the dining hall. Penny is frowning at me, but she's saved me some sour cherry scones.

“Where were you?” she asks.

“What's a Petrarchan sonnet?” I reply.

She pushes the plate with the scones to me.

“They're usually about unrequited love,” her frown deepens. “And they often include oxymorons.” Unrequited love... Baz is in unrequited love? Impossible.

I know what a Shakespearen tragedy is, obviously. It's the plays that don't have a happy ending. The ones that are... tragic. “Oxymoron,” I say. “What's that?”

“It's a self-contradiction. Loving hate, and that kind of stuff. Why? You need help studying? We can meet up later.” “No, it's fine,” I say and start picking one of the scones apart. “Was just wondering.” I am your antithesis... your opposite... Agatha isn't Baz' opposite anything. They're both posh and fancy. Only that Agatha's nice, and Baz is not. (Too much, anyway.)

Stake my heart... That's so dark. Why would Baz write stuff like that? He can have the dances, and the parties, and the fool-headed love. He can have everything.

I wonder why he's underlined the 'moron' in 'oxymoron'. Is he calling them a moron? Maybe they're thick... Baz probably thinks anyone not as smart as him is a moron. That could be anyone, except for Penny.

I've pulled the scone into tiny pieces. I'm not hungry right now, which never happens. But I don't need to eat. I need to know who Baz is in love with. I need to.

“Simon?” Penny says. She's frowning again. “Are you alright? You're not eating?” No.

“Of course. I just, uhm... Need to get some homework done.” “Are you keeping something from me? Remember, no secrets.” “It's... It's not my secret, okay? Just trust me.” If I showed Penny, she could figure out for sure who it's about. But for some reason, I don't want to. Baz is not in the dining room.

___

Baz is sitting on the bed, and all I can think is that he's in love with someone, and he writes sonnets about them, and he calls them moron and the sun and beautiful.

And he thinks he's going to run out of time.

Baz is a hopeless romantic. I didn't think he was before, but now I can see him on candlelight dinners, with roses on Valentine's day, Baz going to the movies, Baz holding hands... Baz has long, slim fingers and his hands are rough and beautiful. Beautiful. I wonder if I could write a sonnet. Not a fancy one, but...

“Baz,” I say and clear my throat.

He looks up from his book and cocks an eyebrow at me.

“Get lost,” he says.

“I just – I -” I pull the paper from my pocket. He drops his book and his eyes widen. He must know what it is, even before I've shown him what it is.

“Where'd you get that?” he demands, but his voice is shaking. He sits up and walks towards me. Not confidently, like usually. His gaze flickers around. His hand reaches out, but he doesn't grab it. (Juliet's hand reaches out...) “I just – I found it -”

“Crowley, Snow, you ever hear of privacy?” Usually, he would snarl at me. Usually, he would just grab the paper from me. I've never seen him lose composure like this.

“Who is it?” I say. My voice is shaking, too. Suddenly, his face snaps shut and his hand shoots forward. I let him take it. It's his. (I know it half by heart.)

“None of your business. None of this is.” “Who is it about?” “Nobody.” He stalks back to his bed, conversation over. Not for me.

“Tell me.” “No.” “Please.”

He stops talking and picks up his book. I know he's trying to ignore me, but I'm not going to let up. I can't. “Why do you even care?” He's not giving me an inch.

The arch of his brow is perfectly formed.

Romeo kills Juliet's cousin. Doesn't that make him a villain, of sorts? It was self-defense, in a way, but still. Shouldn't she hate him? But she loves him anyway... She's such a fool.

“I think you should tell them.” “Have you read the poem at all?” “It's not...” I say. Swallow. “I think you're wrong.” “I'm never wrong.” “Agatha and I aren't together anymore, if you're worried about that.” He's staring at me. His mouth is hanging open. It's Agatha. It has to be.

“Simon...”

“It's Agatha, isn't it?” I feel like crying. His jaw snaps shut.

“Merlin, no,” he says. Is he denying it? No. I think he's serious. (He's giving me an inch.)

“I just... I just think you have a chance.” Agatha doesn't have blue eyes, or bronze curls. I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier. Who has blue eyes and bronze curls? “I don't,” he says. “Did you tell them?” “Ha.”

“Then how do you know?” “I just do. Leave me alone.” He turns away. I won't let him.

“I just want to help. Let me help.”

“Snow.” He sounds so exhausted. Of course he is. He's yearning for someone.

“You don't understand anything.” I want him to call me Simon again. I want to go over to his bed and – do – something. I sit on my own bed and growl at him.

“Maybe I could ask them,” I say. “What they think about you.”

“Merlin, Snow, you want to be my wingman?” “I guess.” “You're ridiculous.” “I'm right.”

Call me Simon.

“We're not even friends.” Right. But not even my worst enemy should be so – so desperately in love. It must hurt so much. (It hurts so much.)

“We could be.” “Don't be insane.” I wonder why he's not picking a fight with me. He's dismissive, but not vicious. I think I've made him vulnerable.

“I'm not going to fight you,” I say then. I'm not going to cry again. I won't. I draw my knees to my chest.

“Of course you're going to fight me,” Baz says. His voice is almost soft.

“You're not going to run out of time,” I whisper. “Is that why it's a tragedy? Because you think you're going to die? You won't. I won't let you.” “Simon,” he says.

Stop calling me Simon. I'm going to cry.

“Are you having me on? Do you really not know who it is?” “No.”

“Are you trying to spare me...” “What?” “Nevermind. Not even Bunce could figure it out?” “I didn't show her.” “Then stop thinking about it.”

“I cant,” I say. Baz' whole face is tense.

“Just pretend this never happened. Treat me the same as before. It doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything.”

It does, though.

“It's not just your poem,” I say. “I just... I don't want us to be Romeo and Juliet.”

“Do you even hear yourself?” “You know what I mean. I don't – I don't want to hurt you.”

“These violent delights...”

I flinch. These violent delights have violent ends is a forbidden spell. When someone is fighting, it kills or heavily wounds both parties. Baz curls in on himself on his bed, but he keeps his gaze fixed on me. “I don't want to fight you. Are you going to fight me?” I ask.

He pauses and keeps looking at me.

“You really haven't figured it out, have you? Crowley, you're such a moron.” A moron? My breath hitches. No. What am I thinking? What the hell am I thinking?

“Who is it?” I say again. “Who's your downfall? Your rhyme? The bloody sun?” He closes his eyes, lips drawn together.

“Stop mocking me,” he rasps out.

“I'm not. Please. I just want to know.”

He opens his eyes a crack and sighs and I know that he's giving in. I'm holding my breath.

“It's you, you fucking numpty.”

I freeze. Everything freezes. I must have misheard. I must have a brain disease. It's impossible. (But I have blue eyes. And I guess my hair could be described as bronze. And if anyone's going to end Baz, it's me. Nobody's going to end Baz.)

“The snow that burns me...” he whispers. “It's your fucking name.”

Baz is not in love with someone else. Thank fuck. Thank Merlin. Thank Aleister fucking Crowley. I can't do anything but stare at him. Baz shakes his head.

“I never should have written that stupid sonnet. But... I couldn't help myself. It was Romeo and Juliet.”

I'm his Shakespearen tragedy. Nicks and slicks.

I sit up and am over on his bed in an instant. He looks alarmed.

“Snow – don't,” he says quietly. He's laid his heart in my palm. He's written a sonnet about me.

“Lets do this, then,” I whisper. I want to lean in and kiss him.

“Do what? What are you talking about?”

He looks like he wants to scoot away from me, but he doesn't move. I want to grab him by the shoulders and never let go.

“Today in class, all I could think about was you,” I say.

I want to let go of his shoulders to bury my hands in his hair.

“About how much you want to kill me?” he says, a self-deprecating tone in his voice.

“No. About how I don't want to kill you. Mostly about your hair.” “What about my hair?” He touches it self-consciously. I want to take every bad thought out of his brain and throw them to the merwolves.

“About how I want to touch your hair.” I lean closer.

“About how you're more beautiful than Romeo.” I carefully raise my hand. He doesn't move away. His hair is so soft.

“About how Juliet is a fool for being in love with a villain.” His eyes are so beautiful. He lets me take his hand.

“But he's not a villain,” I whisper. “Not really.” “Snow,” he says stiffly. “You do know – that Romeo and Juliet is a cautionary tale.”

“If it's really – if you're really – then I don't care. Is it really about me?” I lean in even closer until my nose nearly touches his. Does he want this? Do I want this? I do. So much. For how long have I wanted this?

“Yes,” he chokes out. “Of course it's you. Who else would it be?” “How? How can you -”

I want him to lean forward. I'm so short of grabbing him by his shirt. And then he gives me another one of these sighs, and I know that I have him. Just give me the word. Just give me the word, and you can have it all.

“How do I love thee?” he says and his hand comes up. My nose brushes against his. “Let me count the ways.” He runs his fingers through my hair. It's so good.

“I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach,” he says.

He's reciting poetry at me. Merlin.

“And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart,” he mutters. “I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart.” His lips are cool against mine. I press into him. I want him to have it all. I want to put my heart on a platter and let him take it.

“I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair,” he says. It's like he's singing. “I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body. I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.” Is that a vampire thing? I don't care, he can have it all. “Our love it was stronger by far than the love of those who were older than we, of many far wiser than we,” he says. He's singing into my mouth. “And neither the angels in heaven above nor the demons down under the sea,” his breath goes heavy, “can ever dissever my soul from the soul of the beautiful Simon Snow.”

His voice is enchanting. I grab him and pull. I want to tie our hearts together. Chamber by chamber.

“What's in a name?” he says. “That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

It's Romeo and Juliet.

“With love's light wings did I o'erperch these walls, for stony limits cannot hold love out, and what love can do, that dares love attempt: Therefore thy kinsmen are no stop to me.”

“Do you mean that?” “Yes. I mean it all. The Mage, his men, my family, no one can stop me. No spell can stop me. No sword.”

“You need to stop,” I say, but I'm smiling. “You're going to make me cry.”

That only spurs him on, of course. Baz has always loved making me cry.

“My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.”

I'm addicted to his lips, and to the smell of cedar and bergamot.

“Dost thou love me?” he says then and pulls back a little to look at me. There's a question in his eyes. And I don't know any poetry by heart. (But I want to give him everything.) I make a noise in the back of my throat and try to think of something stupidly romantic to say. He's reciting love poetry at me. He wrote me a sonnet. He's given me every love confession there is. How am I supposed to top that?

Baz' lips turn down at the corners.

“Sorry,” he says, squeezing my hand. “I got carried away. You don't need to answer.”

He goes in for another kiss, but I put my hands to his chest and push him away.

“Sorry,” he says again. “It's just part of the play. I forgot myself.” He swallows and looks down. If I took every single dark thought of his, the merwolves could have a feast. I grab his face and he looks back up at me. His heart is in my hands. He's so eloquent, he knows a thousand ways to say that he loves me. He loves me. He loves me. I can't believe I've never thought of this before. (Maybe I have.) It's the best idea ever.

I only have one word.

“Yes.” “What?

“Yes, I dost love thou.” He smiles.

“That is so not how it works,” he says.

“Then how?” “I can't remember,” he says and giggles. Aleister Crowley. He's my Romeo.

“Do we have to be a tragedy?” I say and pull him in again. “You think?” “No,” he says and laughs. It's the most beautiful sound. “We can be anything you want us to be. I could cast a sonnet right now.”

“You wrote one. You wrote me a sonnet. That's embarrassing.”

I laugh, too.

“Shut up,” he says. I'd cross every line for him. And I embrace him and his hair tickles my neck and I tell him to talk poetry to me and deep into the night he whispers sweet everythings into my ear. I'm a fool for him. I'll take him to the school dance. I'll put him in a costume. I'll keep him safe and sound. I'll hold his hand. I'll run my fingers through his hair.

I refuse to believe we're star-crossed lovers.

This time, I believe, the stars are aligning just right.

#are people still reading fanfiction on tumblr?#carry on fanfiction #snowbaz fanfiction #carry on #snowbaz

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olivedoesmagic · 5 years ago

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Journal 19: Everything I wanted [Billie Eilish]

I’ll start this journal with an entry. I met a griffon like spirit who wished to be my “spirit guide” he introduced himself as Whether. He was a shining blue griffon who claimed to exist outside the multiverse. He took me on a guided mediation sort of trial where I reality shifted through his help, the exercise was as follows.

“Imagine a white portal or door with one thing changed (you dr) and focus on it. Step through visualize it then imagine a blue door back to here and take that thing with you and thrust it through that's how you shift this reality to your liking”

He gave me instruction for a sigil for him.

So I start off this log with the fact that I reality shifted in my sleep. I visited a whole world where your dress code determined who you were and I was essentially rebelling against the order by choosing to dress emo with a few others. That and also getting wrapped up in a cult like religion at the same time. The pacing was really strange because it was a dream and I don't remember it fully but it was the second time I "fully” shifted by technicalities sake. The second time in my sleep as well. I have a long history with the emo fashion of going in and out of it so this shift isn't completely out of place for me. But the environment and choices of it were quite strange.

The next shift was super brief I was in the shower and met a cat humanoid person who was surprised and shocked to see me because "humans are long since extinct" she looked like one of those cats from the cgi movie Cats that recently came out. She made note of water falling on place across me that seemed out of nowhere when in reality I was shiting from the shower. This shift was different from others because I was shifting my whole person there appearing like physical rather then as a spirit coconcious with myself previously as I normally do. The shift of this reality basically boiled down to "you don't belong here" so I quickly left.

I visited Z again. I’ll just tell you the character’s name. He goes by Zone. He's my fictional character. I was in his home. He took me to a new location in his home that I recently established in my writing. A room with the number 7 on the door frame. Inside it he showed me a box with the decapitated head of his former companion. I was spooked. I knew he was going to keep some kind of momento from when CH his friend eventually dies in the stories I write about the two, leaving Zone heartbroken and alone but the whole decapitated head thing was wild and something I never would've written or even come up with. He confronted me about being “his writer” on earth C which is what I call this reality that we are currently staying in.

Last shift was at 2 in the morning. It was a fictional universe. I was ages between 11-13. I slit my wrist. I was in the Twilight universe and Alice bit me and fully fed off the blood from my wrist unable to control herself. This universe was mildly scripted using parameters in my mind which I hastily did as soon as I saw I was headed there. This has to do with some stuff from the past when I was skiso which is the only reason it was scripted at all. Basically in this universe around 11-13 I don’t know quite young, I turned into a vampire. Carlile offered to adopt me admitting he had never taken one so young before. He told me we would have to fake my death and separate me from my adopted parents (I’m adopted in our reality as well) which I was upset about asking for one more day with them. He told me no, that I'm a vampire I couldn't do that. He told me as a vampire I would no longer need food or drink and I couldn't consume it and he knew that that would be hard for me. He seemed familiar with me. I had reality shifted here before once with within a dream, and I think that’s why the Cullens knew me here. Alice apologized for being unable to control herself. Say what you want about Twilight as a work of fiction but the world building in those books is insane.

Still not a fan of reality shifting to fiction but the multiverse seems to want to take me to fictional realities. I’m not a fan of the atheistic views of chaos magick. But pop culture magick holds a strong horse. The multiverse wants me to value this. It wants me to see this. It wants me to view these things as valuable. So I’m stuck here and I have to. I didn't intend to go to the Twilight universe. Where Bella was nowhere to be seen. But I quickly put in some scripts aka some manifestations as I saw that I was going there. I'm a fan of twilight in fact I'm re-reading the first book as I write this but I digress.

Overall lately I've been struggling with what I call "reality sickness". Reality sickness is basically when you become obsessed with the aspects of reality shifting and courses of your actions in correlation to reality shifting or generally get confused about realities or start to experience unreality due to reality shifting. Ie, overthinking actions because of how they will change timelines, experiencing general unreality and so on. I think this can be a general effect of shifting too much and as someone who's been doing it every other day unreality is generally something I'm starting to suffer from.

I'm on antipsychotics though and they tend to keep me grounded but this unreality still poses a danger to anyone less fortunate or not on any meds. It's also why most witches suggest you do grounding. I can handle it but just know it's a struggle and it's there. I don’t feel “real” anymore and reality shifting has become almost like an obsession for me. So much so that I’ve taken a break from other forms of magick which have suited me better over the years. I don’t reality shift to escape. I reality shift to explore.

I’m a magician because I want freedom. That’s why I do magick. I want exploration, power, and excitement. Traveling is something that’s always caught my eye. But this isn’t doctor who. We’re not gifted with unlimited funds or the ability to go anywhere we desire. So reality shifting in many ways is a way to quench that thirst of mine. Reality will always be stranger then fiction. But I want it stated clear and strong right here and now on thick white and black paper, that I do not reality shift to escape.

-Olive Brimstone

9:16 PM

10/5/2020

#twilight #vampires #astral projection #stories

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mittensmorgul · 6 years ago

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Welcome to today’s installment of The TNT Loop Is Specifically Attempting to Murder Mittens: an ongoing saga.

In today’s torment, we have 8.05, Blood Brother. I recently wrote something about Dean possibly considering his time in Purgatory during his current Identity Crisis in s15 as something he can feel was truly “pure,” as he’d said back in s8-- as a place where God wouldn’t have controlled their actions and choices, and yet he CHOSE to stay and try to save Cas, but also, Cas CHOSE to stay behind (because that was something Dean REALLY struggled with in early s8, the fact that Cas could just abandon him this way-- not only because Cas’s personal burden of guilt was so heavy he didn’t feel like he deserved to be saved from that place, and because he truly believed that Dean would be better off without him if he returned to Sam... and isn’t THAT all just the reflection of their current issues and suffering?).

But there’s a few specific lines/situations in this episode-- two episodes before Cas will be rescued from Purgatory and used against his will as a sort of brainwashed sleeper agent for Heaven. The horrifying themes of “what is real” and “what of all of this is my CHOICE versus what we are being manipulated into” seem INCREDIBLY relevant to the current canon situation in s15.

I’m incredibly tempted to suggest that everyone try to watch this episode before 15.04 airs this week, or at least take a gander at the transcript and refresh your memories about this particular bit of pain. Recall that

Sam was also suffering the loss of a woman he’d loved in this part of s8 (and he’s just lost Rowena in s15, when his relationship with Amelia was always hinted at with an element of ~unreality~ and Sam using her to run away from his own reality, while his relationship with Rowena has always been coded with him EMBRACING himself and his reality)

Kevin was out there doing ~mysterious prophety things~ attempting to decipher the tablet to close the gates of Hell (and in s15 Kevin’s soul is wandering the Earth while they’ve attempted to seal up the rift into Hell... what part will he again play by the end?)

Dean is absolutely CONVINCED of his grip on reality, believing his choices are his own and helps Benny come to terms with that... (despite us knowing that Benny never really does feel that he “fits” back on Earth and will eventually choose to stay in Purgatory by 8.19, and Dean is now on the other end of this conundrum in s15...)

Once Cas does return in 8.07, as he confirms in 8.08, he’s actively running from Heaven, from his own guilt, from his own fears (in 8.08 he will say he’s afraid to see what he’d made of Heaven, afraid he would kill himself if he had to face it... this... was not a happy time for Cas, and he was being ACtIVELY controlled by Heaven on top of all that. Like Dean feels he’s being controlled by Chuck now...)

Okay, with that baseline info, I’d like to point to a few specific things in 8.05 for current canon relevance.

First off, since Benny will figure into a lot of the things I’ll be discussing in this post, I need to establish what Benny tells Dean about what it’s like to be turned into a vampire, and the “loyalty” to one’s maker that is supposed to bring with it. Benny... never quite fit into his nest, which had always frustrated his maker (Benny refers to him as “A jealous god” among other things). Benny wasn’t an obedient son, and actually had the willpower to abandon his nest FOR LOVE. For a HUMAN. A woman who would (after Benny’s death) be claimed by that “jealous god” and turned into a vampire. Andrea didn’t have the will that Benny did, and becoming a vampire had destroyed the humanity that he’d loved her for in the first place. He’d gone to hunt his old nest to avenge Andrea’s murder, only to find her hopeful that Benny would kill their master and free her to become the new “god” of their nest. Meanwhile Benny clung to every shred of his own humanity that he could, in 8.09 even inserting himself into his great granddaughter’s life (family first, right?). By the time Dean calls Benny in 8.19, asking him for the ultimate favor to save Sam from Purgatory, Benny’s lost everything he’d thought he would have. Sure, he destroyed his old nest and all the vampires that had made him, but he’d also accepted that he truly didn’t fit into the world anymore. And that was something he was struggling with even back in 8.05. So with that in mind, let’s explore this episode a little deeper.

This exchange hit me in the face like a mallet:

BENNY: It's weird being back – in the world, I mean. Isn't it? DEAN: Sure as hell is. BENNY: I mean, what do you do with it all? All the – all the everything? Hell, I don't even know if this world is real, if I'm real. DEAN: Hey, listen to me. I’ve seen what happens down that rabbit hole, okay? We're real. Benny, this is real. It's the only way to play this game, you get me?

This is EXACTLY the conversation Dean was attempting to have with Cas in 15.02. Except Dean? He’s constructed his ENTIRE IDENTITY on this belief. This is is, to use his own words to Sam in 7.02, Dean’s “stone number one” that he built his entire identity on. This is his foundation, and in 14.20, Chuck shattered it.

Dean tells Benny he’s seen what happens down that rabbit hole, but Dean had never allowed himself to EXPERIENCE IT. He’s watched SAM go down that rabbit hole, he’d been that “stone one” for Sam. From 7.02:

Dean: I am your flesh-and-blood brother, okay? I'm the only one who can legitimately kick your ass in real time. You got away. We got you out, Sammy. Believe in that. Believe me, okay? You gotta believe me. You've gotta make it stone number one and build on it.

But Dean himself has never had his entire grip on reality shattered to the degree that 14.20 shattered him, and he has ZERO coping skills to apply to himself in this case. HE had always been his own Stone Number One, and Chuck took that from him. Chuck took CAS from him, too, because Chuck had given Cas to him in the first place. NOTHING is real to him right now. Just as nothing felt real to Benny after all his own ties to the world had been cut in s8.

For YEARS, Dean has been everyone else’s stone, but right now he’s a few handfuls of sand on the shore of a vast ocean determined to wash him away to nothingness. He’s failed in every respect, and there’s nothing to hold on to at all.

During the course of 8.05, Benny learns the truth of what happened versus what he’d always believed happened. Andrea hadn’t been killed by his nest, she’d been assimilated by them. His perceptions and understanding had been wrong, and the woman he’d pined for the entire time he’d been in Purgatory had been changed into something he didn’t even recognize anymore.

DEAN (on phone): I'm not alone, damn it. All right? I'm not alone. I've got backup – guy who's been tracking the nest for a while. SAM (on phone): What guy? Garth? DEAN (on phone): What? No. You don't know him. He's a friend. SAM (on phone): A friend? Dean, you don't have any – all your friends are dead. DEAN (on phone): That's not what I called to talk about!

LOL all Dean’s friends are dead... Like Benny, who’s a vampire, so... dead, technically...

BENNY: Andrea, what happened? The old man said he was gonna bleed you dry. ANDREA: I don't know. He changed his mind. I blacked out. When I woke up, I was drinking from his wrist. BENNY: I'm sorry. All this is because of me. I'm sorry. ANDREA: No. It's not your fault. You never hid anything from me, Benny. I chose you. BENNY: But why'd you stay... with them, with him? Why? ANDREA: You remember what it's like at first. First, everything resets. Life is blood. That's all. And whoever gives it to you – BENNY: I know. It's complicated. Every damn thing is complicated. ANDREA takes a large clasp knife from her waistband and holds it out to BENNY. ANDREA: It doesn't have to be. BENNY: Andrea. ANDREA: Benny, I can't kill him... [she tucks the knife into his jacket] ...none of us can. But you – you came back from the grave. You're proof that he's not all-powerful, that he's not God. He's scared of you, Benny – I know it.

What is choice, and what is about control, and circumstances beyond control. What power do we really have to choose for ourselves when circumstances affect us to this degree?

Meanwhile in Dean’s conversation with Sam, there’s so much hidden, so much each doesn’t understand about the other’s current situation partly because they’re both refusing to talk about these issues. Dean is refusing to talk about how painful the loss of Cas in his life is, or why he’s befriended a vampire (because Benny voluntarily saved Cas’s life in Purgatory despite his serious reservations about Dean’s attachment to Cas). Dean can’t talk about ANY of this because it’s just too painful to accept that Cas CHOSE to stay behind, without him).

and Meanwhile Meanwhile, with Sam, he’d spent the entire previous year living with the belief that Dean (and Cas) was already lost to him. Until Dean came back and dragged him out of his escapist fantasy life he’d built with Amelia. But that life had already shattered for Sam when Amelia’s husband was found alive, too. So... Sam knew even before Dean came back that Amelia wasn’t really his, and that Dean’s return wasn’t really the only thing standing between him and that “normal fantasy life.” But it will take a long time for them both to fully understand and accept the whole entire truth of everything. Just like it’s gonna be a long painful slog through s15 before Dean and Cas are able to face the whole entire truth of what the other’s experience and emotions are.

And another interesting comment from Benny’s “god” figure:

BENNY: Why didn't you let her die? She meant nothing to you. BENNY’S MAKER: But she meant everything to you. If that's all I could salvage from my wayward son – the woman he defied his maker for – I wanted someone to remember you by.

Chuck’s now out for “revenge” against his “wayward sons,” yes? Let’s see how that goes for him.

And in Purgatory, we have the scene that leads up to Benny’s CHOICE to save Cas, against his own better judgment:

BENNY: Look, all I'm saying is I started seeing something in humanity, okay? Something that shouldn't be taken. I drink blood. I don't drink people. DEAN: And why the hell should I believe you? BENNY: What does it matter what you believe? You got your head so far up your ass, Dean, you don't even realize we're already done for. The angel knows it. We are never gonna make it with him next to us glowing like a beacon. DEAN: Do I need to remind you of our deal? Of what you committed to? BENNY: He is gonna get us killed. CASTIEL: We may get to test that theory. DEAN: More monsters? CASTIEL: Leviathan. DEAN: Why don't you blip out of here? CASTIEL: They're too close. I can't. Run.

Dean CHOSE to keep Cas close, WANTED him close, despite the risk to both him and Benny (the one being in this land of abominations who holds the key to Dean’s escape). And Benny started seeing something in Humanity. Which has been Cas’s deal since... forever... right? He saw something worth saving in humanity (and in Dean), and staked his EVERYTHING on it. Like Benny does staking HIS everything on Dean and their agreement.

Which makes Dean’s shattering in s15, after Cas had made his relationship with Dean his PRIMARY FEAR, and also the thing he struggled the hardest to maintain, to secure his place in Dean’s “family.”

(I know who you love, what you fear)

And this is why Dean shattering in s15 has also shattered Cas.

BENNY: You just gonna sit there? BENNY’S MAKER: You're right. I've been here so, so long, Benny, seen all the outcomes, all the patterns a trillion times. It all means so little. This universe is a pyramid of despair, nothing else. BENNY: A little dark. BENNY’S MAKER: I am evil, after all. At least I've had that much to keep me cold at night. You never had that, did you? Everything had to be thought about, considered. BENNY: You know what Socrates said about a life unconsidered. BENNY’S MAKER: Yes. But what we have in us? Benny, that's not life. That's what you still don't get. That's why it's always been so hard for you, my poor Benjamin. [...] BENNY’S MAKER: This is the one last thing I can take from you. BENNY: No. You try, damn it. You try and kill me again. BENNY’S MAKER: This is my story, you gnat. BENNY: Get up! BENNY’S MAKER: It ends the way I choose, not you. [BENNY hauls BENNY’S MAKER to his feet.] BENNY: Well, at least I can finally show you something new, old man. A whole new... [he flips open the large clasp knife ANDREA gave him] ...world.

And Benny kills him. So whose story was this, really? Who was making the choices? What’s even real?

While I was typing this up, 8.06, and now 8.07 have also played in the background. 8.06 entirely about the things left unsaid turning toxic, like a literal specter that festers away and breaks down relationships. I’ll sum up the takeaway from this by first quoting Garth’s line to Dean at the end of the episode. Garth, who was unaffected by the specter who fueled itself on vengeance, who has become a symbol in canon of “letting baggage go” because of this:

Garth: Stop being a idjit! With Bobby dead, you and Sam are all each other has. And that's not so bad, man.

Yes, Dean thinks, and knows. Yes, it is bad. It wasn’t enough back then, and it’s absolutely not enough now. Which Sam proves to him in their very next non-conversation. Because Sam is so not telling the whole truth, even though he claims the moral high ground over Dean and his friendship with Benny. Sam is just... not affected by Cas’s loss the way Dean was. And is. And will be in the next run of s15. And Sam was not honest yet about his OWN loss of Amelia and everything she represented to him, which I hope will be different in s15 regarding his loss of Rowena. Because she, at least, was REAL to him. And Sam’s current issue isn’t a shattering of his entire sense of self, and his own attachment to reality as a concrete concept the way it is for Dean right now.

I’d continue yammering on about 8.07, and Dean’s reaction to getting Cas back (and his concern that Cas isn’t “all back,” and that something larger is at work here that he doesn’t yet understand), but this post is already way too long... >.>

#spn 8.05 #spn 14.20 #spn 15.03 #spn 15.02 #spn 7.02 #spn 8.06 #spn 8.07 #s15 meta rewatch #spiders georg of the tnt loop #it's spirals all the way down #if you say 'mysterious ways' so help me i will kick your ass #destiel #the scheherazade of supernatural #using your words #lies and damn lies

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pennylogue · 7 years ago

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ever so slightly

Marceline and Simon struggle to rebuild their relationship amongst the rubble of a thousand years of messy history.

On AO3 here

AN: Ayyyyeee who else got totally destroyed by that finale? And then went wrote 2.5k of fic the night before school starts because of it and it’s now 3 AM ayyyyyeeee.

After the war-that-wasn't, after Betty almost destroys the world and then saves it for the sake of one person, after she says goodbye to Finn and Jake and everyone who helped fight back Golb, and after kissing Bonnie for five minutes straight, Marceline finally peels herself away from a very pink, very inviting pair of lips and the princess attached to them.

Bonnie looks disappointed for a second, but nods. "We'll finish this later?" she asks, more gently than she's spoken to Marceline in...well, a really long time.

Marceline doesn't really know how to feel right now. A lot of emotions are swishing and swooshing and slopping around in her, mixing in a thousand weird ways. Still, she knows she very much wants to finish this up.

"Yeah," Marceline says. "But you have to get back to your candy citizens, and well..." Marceline looks back to where she'd briefly handed Simon off to the weird Ice King guy that used to be Gunther. (Golb--or Betty? Who knew anymore?--that crown was so annoying. Since it helped save the universe, though, she's willing to cut it some slack.) She sighs. "Simon needs me right now. He helped me so much, and I could never help him, all of these years."

Bonnie nods. "I can't believe Betty actually saved him. Her ingenuity was truly incredible, her devotion even more so."

Marceline can't help a snicker. Bonnie was, well, it was great to finally to be back on the "will they" of the whole "will they or won't they" thing, but she still was such. A. Nerd.

Waving her goodbyes, Marceline watches her new/old girlfriend troop off to rally her people and begin rebuilding.

And isn't she a pretty picture as she leaves.

"I just can't believe...she's really, well, gone and turned herself into Golb," Simon weeps. "We finally had the chance to be together! Finally, she'd worked so hard, and everything! And then she went and sacrificed herself? How could she do something like that?"

She'd flown them to her cabin, and Simon sits on her couch. It's impossible to believe he's here, honestly. She's seen one or two snatches of him in the past centuries, and she's never hoped for more. Not after the fifth time the Ice King crashed one of her parties and tried to pick up every princess there, nope--she'd never hoped for more.

And now, Simon is...back. Back, and miserable. And as the only person in Ooo who knew him before he got Ice King-ified, she has the best chance of helping him. Well, she wants to help him, but she doesn't know if she can. Yeesh, she was always bad with giving romantic advice.

"Yeah," Marceline replies. "It's...pretty awful."

"Yes!" Simon shouts. "How could she do it? Why would she? Doesn't she want to finally be together?"

"I mean, you couldn't really be together if the universe was all Globbed up."

"Well, yes...but still! Doesn't she want to be together?" He's sobbing again, and she moves closer on the couch and gives him a hug. Honestly, she should've known better than to try to use logic with this kind of situation. Instead, she gestures at the cup steaming in front of him. "Try some hot chocolate."

Simon breathes out in a sharp huff, but brings it to his lips. He takes a quick sip, and frowns, then looks down and inspects the stuff. "This tastes...interesting."

"Well, I mean, you did sort of...miss a thousand years, here and there." Marceline shrugs. "A lot of things have changed. Including cocoa beans."

"Fascinating," he murmurs. He sips again, then drinks more deeply.

Marceline drinks a bit from her own glass, draining the red from it. When she looks up, Simon's staring at her with wide eyes. "Don't worry, it's not blood or anything. It's fruit punch. And I just drink the red color."

Simon takes off his glasses and rubs the tears from his eyes. When he looks up again, well--well--he looks so normal, so human, it's almost unreal. "I know. I mean, I didn't know, but--well, I know you would never change. Not like that."

Simon's smile is slow and so, so warm. It makes her think of how he used to remind her of her mother. Something about the shape of his face, the slant of his smile.

Marceline flicks her tongue at him. "Well, you don't know that. I am the Vampire Queen, you know."

She takes Simon back to his cave, to grab any of his old stuff he might want to take. He can't live there anymore, not in the freezing cold. Humans weren't meant to spend so long in temperatures like that, she'd almost forgotten.

(Finn, well, he might be human, but he's a child of Ooo, and he understands how to survive it in a way Simon simply doesn't.

Yet.)

As Marceline hovers by the throne, watching penguins accompany Gunther/Ice King in a musical number, Simon stumbles around in a daze. "I really built all of this?" he asks her, over and over, looking at the furniture, the cages, the tunnels upon tunnels. She gives a noncommittal mmmm in response to pretty much everything he says. Like, he did, kind of? After all, Ice King was only sorta him.

Eventually, he finds his way down to the chamber where Ice King built some massive statues of those female versions of Finn and Jake he'd dreamed up. Yeesh. When she sees the look on Simon's face--

"Well, it's impressive work," she offers weakly. "Good detail."

Simon looks like he's going to explode. Like he's going to be sick. "But how could I be doing this? All of this, all of this for so many years?" He grasps his hair, fists bunched around short, dark, thick locks, so unlike the Ice King's brittle white hair. "What was I thinking! How could--how could this be me!"

Simon is freaking out, and honestly, it makes the part of Marceline that remembers being seven years old and needing Simon for absolutely everything rush out. She doesn't want to do this. She wants SImon to be happy he's back, happy he's here, that he can be with her, that he can do all of the cool architecture things he'd always told her about, except even better, because it would be in Ooo.

But right now, Simon is lost in the infinity between one-thousand-and-forty-five and forty-five, and, well...part of Marceline might still be seven, but vast majority of her feels every one of her one-thousand-and-five years, thick and heavy as the trunk of her old treehouse.

She reaches out, and grabs him, her blue hand strange against his darker one. Gray, that's what it had been back then. But it wasn't that way now.

"Simon."

"Yes, Marcie?"

"That was...it wasn't you. It was the crown. You have to understand that."

He looks so, so miserable. "I know, Marcie."

Simon living in the swamp with her should be great. It's everything she's ever dreamed of, after all.

But it's not.

He's so confused, having such a hard time grasping the massive time jump that feels, according to him, more like "some really abstract dream" than anything else. He's sad and tired, and he keeps talking about Betty. Marceline tries to talk back with him, tries to understand what he's going through, but after a while, it starts to grate on her. Betty sacrificed herself for him. She did it so he could live a good life! And now he's just drowning in sadness and going nuts over Betty, the same way Betty was about Simon.

Every time Marceline goes to visit Bonnie--now definitely her girlfriend again, yay--or Finn and Jake and BMO, or any of her other friends that are rebuilding their lives so very gradually rebuilding, she asks Simon if he wants to come. He refuses.

After two weeks of this, as she'd expected, Finn kicks down the door.

Well, sort of expected. "Where's Jake?" she asks, as Finn basically hoists a loudly-protesting Simon over his shoulder.

"He had a date with Lady Rainicorn he just couldn't miss." Finn gives her one of his little half-smiles. "Guess it's gonna be a human-only adventure, then? Unless you wanna come?"

"Nah," she says. "You boys have fun."

Simon shoots her a furious look. "Marceline, I thought you said I could stay with you as long as I wanted."

"I'm over a thousand years old. I have a complicated moral code."

Even so, when Simon isn't back a week later, she can't help but start getting worried.

Two weeks later, Bonnie and Jake are officially tired of hearing Marceline freak out to them.

They're in Bonnie's lab, watching the resident scientist try to figure out how to strengthen Neddy's candy juice enough to heal the Guardians. It's probably a lost cause, but in Ooo, you never know.

"I told you, Marceline, they're fine! Finn is an expert, and from everything you've told me about Simon--well, he was tough enough to survive the aftermath of the Mushroom War, wasn't he?" Bonnie asks.

Marceline knows Bonnie is right. Finn's awesome enough to work any kind of escort mission he wants, and Simon might not be used to Ooo, but it would be idiotic to underestimate him because of that. And he is a genius and junk, too.

Still.

Jake slumps over in his seat. "Hey, I miss my bro too, you know. We even called off finding a new place to live so he could go and help Simon out. I like living with Lady Rainicorn, I mean, but--" he shrugs. "You gotta have patience. They're a-okay. They got through Glob, didn't they?"

Marceline knows Jake is right. She still wants to snap at him or turn all demony and go berserk or something. But she's a grown-up now, so she manages to resist.

Simon and Finn come back two days later, bruised, muddy, and sporting two identical grins and a bundle of ancient human artifacts each.

The second Marceline sees them, all of her worries fall away like shedding a too-small shell. When Marceline flies up to greet them, Simon gives her a massive hug and burst out a story about a six-village conflict that he and Finn helped settle-- "Not bad for his first time," Finn whispers in her ear--then shows her his treasures. Old signs, musical instruments, a few twisted pieces of rusted metal furniture, and even a couple of old Christmas ornaments.

"I must admit, Marcie," he says sheepishly, "It's an interesting position to be in, to archealogize relics from an ancient civilization that I was part of."

"You're catching on," she replies.

"Yeah," Finn says. "All of this is old human stuff, right? Hey Simon, tell me about some of this junk." He can't hide it, though--he might seem as mellow as ever, but his eyes are practically sparkling with delight.

It's been so long since anyone talked about this kind of thing. Simon launches into stories from a world that he lived in much longer than Marceline ever did, and Marceline bobs in place, lounging comfortably on the air, and enjoys being in the same room as multiple people who know what Santa Claus is.

Simon comes to a few jam sessions with her and her friends. it's sort of embarrassing, kind of if she'd invited her dad along--well, if her dad wasn't a total jerk--but it's still nice. Simon got pretty good at the drums, at some point over the last thousand years.

One night, she and Bonnie are cuddling on the couch. watching Ice King perform a puppet play. In the kitchen, Simon and Turtle Princess pop popcorn. It's cozy. Very domestic.

She catches Bonnie staring at Simon and leans over. "Hey, girl. Eyes on the show, don't be rude."

"I know," Bonnie mutters. She wrenches her gaze away. "It's just--it's strange to see him like this."

"Talking to a princess without proposing to her?"

"No. Just...without the mood swings. I mean, he's just so happy."

Later that night, when most everyone is sound asleep, Simon finds her outside, playing herself a little lullaby.

"What's up?" she asks, pausing in her strumming.

He pulls a drumstick from his pajama pants and taps it idly against his leg. "It's very strange, you know, to suddenly be able to be able to play a musical instrument out of nowhere." He breathes deeply, and says in a rush, "But it wasn't really out of nowhere, was it?"

Marceline thrums her bass without thinking. It's a nervous habit. The chords echo around them.

"That was me," he says. "In a way. And I need to accept that."

Marceline heaves a sigh. "This stuff is heavy, man."

"Marcie." His tone is stricter than she's heard from him in centuries, and when she looks up, he's--so focused. So intent. "I need to go and find Betty. And if I want to do that, I need to accept what happened to me. What she saved me from. There were good times, I mean. I made some friends. I had fun. The penguins were cute. But I was so, so lonely, and so confused, and I couldn't understand why."

Marceline closes her eyes and tries to focus on her strumming.

"I'm so proud of you."

Her fingers freeze on the strings.

"I've heard from Finn, what it was like. What I was like. It must have been painful." His eyes shade down. "I remembered some of it. A bit." A pause. "I tried to kiss you, Marcie."

Marceline wants to shrug it off, wants to say it's okay, wants to be strong. But she looks at him, so young and so old, and the truth comes out. "It was so hard."

Without thinking, they embrace, as easily as they used to. "I know," he says and brushes her cheek with his hand. "I know."

"I missed you. You were--but no matter what I said, I couldn't get the you that I wanted!"

They fall over each other, onto the rough planks of the porch. She curls up into his chest and hears him spit some of her hair out of his mouth. "I can imagine."

"I know were just trying to protect me, but the crown--that damn crown!" She punches the ground in emphasis, accidentally breaking a few boards. Whoops.

She cries, and he cries, and it feels awful, but to have someone to hold her when she cries again--well, she has Bonnie now, again, but she missed Simon. It's nice.

It's really nice.

They stay like that for a very long time.

(It's not a thousand years, but it honestly feels like it.)

The next morning, over breakfast, Marceline forces herself to ask the question she very much doesn't want an answer to.

"So, you said you're going after Betty?"

His gaze is sorrowful as he slurps his cereal. "She's my princess, Marcie. I miss her. So, so much. And she worked so hard to get me back--she might be even further gone than I was, but I have to try. At the very least."

Marceline understands. It burns her, that Simon won't just stay here and be happy with her and with new friends, but he and Betty, it seems, are definitely meant for each other. In that case... "Do you want my help?"

Simon appears to be almost surprised at the offer, but it seems to do him some good. He goes back to his cereal just a little bit more cheerful. "That's very generous, but I wouldn't want to take you away from your friends. They need your help, too, and God knows you've spent enough time looking after me. He looks back up, hesitant. "If I'm still searching in--I don't know, how long did it take Betty to free me?"

Marceline feels that warm feeling bubble up again, and against her will, she finds herself smiling into her morning cup of dyed-red coffee. (No, it doesn't give her a caffeine boost. It's the principle of the matter.) "A couple of years, I guess?"

Simon holds up his cup of normal coffee. "A couple of years, then?"

They toast. "It's a promise," says Marceline.

"Cheers," Simon says, then leaps for her bass. Playing a few slightly funky chords, he bursts out, "Making your way in the world today, takes everything you got..."

Marceline laughs more that morning than she has in a very long time.

Life happens.

Death happens.

One day, Marceline leaves her shack. When she comes back, it's been a very long time, and two weirdoes have taken up residence.

#at #adventure time #adventure time finale #fanfic #my fanfic #my writing #no you don't get it #these two have given me #so #many #feelings #i needed to give them a proper send-off #adios adventure time #i'm sure glad time is an illusion and you'll never really end

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kwdevelopmentllcmastery · 5 years ago

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Game Development Frameworks Reflection

This class was a learning experience– The class format kept me busy! I learned information on reviewing and developing reliable and easily tested code, as well as the debate on how much time/complexity to devote to testing. David Heinemeir Hansson’s talk mentioned that unit testing is important because it is one of the earliest testing efforts performed on the code and the earlier defects are detected, the easier they are to fix (ThoughtWorks, 2014). I learned testing concepts that I had not heard of prior to this course such as the Law of Demeter- which avoids having single functions know the entire navigation structure of the system, integrated, and unit testing (Hevery, 2008). I also became aware of what the androidTest folder was for in Android Studio because I used that folder for the first time during the unit and integrated test compilation of the week 1 & 2 project. My game for week 1 & 2 was developed with Java in Android Studio. The title of this game is Vampire or Princess and it's similar to Tic-Tac-Toe. The images are vector images of a vampire and princess that I created in Illustrator. Each player will choose to be the vampire and the computer will choose to be the princess, vice versa, the player with three in a row wins. The client communication functionality is done with Scaledrone backend. The GPS/Location data of each player will be posted on the screen. There is a motion sensor that detects the device's position and includes a proximity sensor. The motion sensor and proximity sensor are for the item collection game. The player must tap the screen in order to collect items and the proximity sensor displays when the player is away from an object or near and object. This project was the most difficult to put together because, after testing and instructor feedback, I had to remove certain game features and/or add game features because there were some coding issues that caused the app to crash on different devices. This project took a little longer than originally expected because I wanted the app to function the way it should on all devices. This project taught me that I should program a social app that has real-time client communication using web sockets.

Some of the code from Vampire or Princess

My week 3 & 4 project was developed with C# in Unity3D. I wanted to develop both projects in Unity because I’m most familiar with that framework. The title of this game is Treasure Finder and the object of the game is to rotate the device using the accelerometer to move the sphere in order to collect the treasure items. There are some items that look like treasure, but aren't treasure. If the player collects too many of those items, they have to restart the game. This game is multiplayer. Each player’s GPS location will be sent as a networked message across the server. The winner of the game will be the player with the most treasure items. This game includes a compass, which will use the gyroscope. Not all devices have a gyroscope, so that feature won’t work on all devices. This project took less time than the first project because I am good at Unity development, but I did have a bit of trouble getting the in-game chat to work. I do want to learn other game frameworks as well. I might teach myself how to use Unreal. I think it was even more fulfilling to be able to flow freely with game ideas while experimenting with the frameworks. I learned about different Android hardware sensors and how to use them within a game/app. I didn’t know that Android devices were equipped with so many hardware features!

A screenshot of the gameplay scene.

The material I learned in this course provided guidelines for TDD (test-driven development) that I can utilize while working on my capstone. I learned a lot about the frameworks I worked with, as well as the development and learning process. The software engineering process will be utilized while my capstone is in development: software engineering consists of research and experimentation, trial and error, forgiveness of failure, normalization, productivity, and celebration of minuscule successes. I emailed Professors Nick Penney, Rebecca Leis, and Patrick Kelly my revised capstone ideas and asked them to be my capstone advisor. Rebecca added me to the capstone mentoring server on Discord and Nick Penney told me that he will review my ideas again once I’ve finished and passed the Game Development Frameworks course. I’m ready to move on to the next phase of the approval process. Here is the link to the underdog posting from the capstone advisor activity this month: https://edo.fullsail.edu/underdog/documents/1059 .

References Hevery, M. (2008, Aug 6). Writing Testable Code. Retrieved from https://testing.googleblog.com/2008/08/by-miko-hevery-so-you-decided-to.html

ThoughtWorks. (2014, May 9). Is TDD Dead? (30m) [YouTube Video]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9quxZsLcfo

#fullsailuniversity #mastery #mobile games #software development #software testing #capstone project ideas for engineering

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matthewbane · 8 years ago

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jace wayland has bpd

jace is heavily coded as borderline, and i wanted to create a masterpost of sorts about jace and his symptoms as a reference for myself and anyone else interested in this headcanon :)

what is bpd?

bpd stands for borderline personality disorder, a mental illness that impacts a person’s ability to regulate their emotions and manage relationships. it is also characterized by fear of abandonment, unstable self-image, black and white thinking, impulsivity, feelings of emptiness, and dangerous behaviors.

below the cut, i’ve presented all of the evidence i have noticed supporting the headcanon that jace has bpd. if you have any questions or comments, my ask box is always open!

*content warning for mentions of abuse, death, suicide, self-harm, and alcohol*

how does jace exhibit bpd?

1. extreme fear of abandonment

in 1x12, jace becomes preoccupied by the idea that jocelyn abandoned him as a child

jace: “at best, jocelyn is the woman who abandoned me.” clary: “hey, that is not true. my mother would never abandon her son. she thought you were dead.” jace: “or maybe she just didn't want me.”

valentine manipulates jace by reinforcing this belief in 2x01 - jace: “you told me i never had a mother.” valentine: “what did you want me to say? that i saved you and that your mother deserted you? she left you to die in idris.”

in 2x08, under iris’ magic, jace hallucinates that maryse wants to disown and kill him

maryse: “max is right. you're not his brother. you were a ten-year-old left on our doorstep. we had no choice but to take you in.”

this exemplifies how jace feels like a stray (1x02) and one of his biggest fears is that the lightwoods don’t actually care about him

jace’s turbulent relationships means he constantly “loses” the people close to him

jace suffered real abandonment as well: he believed that his birth parents were both deceased

2x03 - jace: “i know what it’s like to lose someone you love.”

2x03 - jace: “please don’t leave me, alec.” (as opposed to saying “please don’t die,” jace emphasizes his relationship with alec)

i think one reason why the parabatai ceremony is appealing to jace is that it links him and alec together forever. it ensures that until death, jace will never be truly alone

2x03 - jace: “once we get our parabatai runes, we’ll officially be brothers. nothing can change that.”

2. Favorite Person™: clary

a favorite person (fp) refers to someone that a person with bpd is emotionally dependent on and often infatuated with. they idealize this person, to the point of changing opinions and behaviors to gain their approval [x]. not all people with bpd have an fp, and some lose/gain fps over time, but having a favorite person is a well-known and common bpd experience.

i have written about this before here, but i will gladly reiterate my thoughts. i believe that clary is jace’s favorite person. he meets clary and within a matter of hours has prioritized her needs over everything else, acting more reckless and delinquent than usual in order to gain clary’s approval. he also idealizes her, very often taking her side in arguments and reassuring her that bad events that happen aren’t her fault. here are some examples of jace treating clary like his fp:

1x03 - jace: “this isn’t about the mundane, this is about clary.”

1x07 - clary: “right now, clary is the only thing that matters.”

1x09 - alec: “you always broke the rules, but never the law, not until [clary] showed up.”

1x12 - jace: “i know it seems like i've been making a lot of crazy choices lately. and i know you think that i was only thinking about myself and clary, and i wasn't thinking about the consequences to anyone else.”

2x07 - jace: “alec sent you? tell him I’m off duty.” luke: “it’s clary. she’s in trouble.” [jace immediately goes to help]

3. identity disturbance: unstable self-image or sense of self

he grew up thinking his father was Michael Wayland, who has passed away--but wait, he’s alive--oh wait, his dad was actually Valentine the whole time--oh, and Jocelyn is also his mother and Clary, his sister--oh wait, nope, he’s actually not related to Valentine or Jocelyn--oh wai...

his status as a lightwood is also... inconsistent

1x12 - jace: “i don’t know who i am anymore. there’s darkness in me. it’s always been there.”

here’s a great gifset about jace’s unstable identity

people with bpd tend to enjoy labeling ourselves because it helps to solidify our identity and explain our experiences. jace is labeled in two main ways:

he’s often known as The Best Shadowhunter™ “fastest, strongest, fiercest” (1x02) / “our best soldier” (1x08) / “the legend, jace wayland” (1x09) / “a legend in idris” (1x09)

and he’s the stereotypical Attractive Guy™ “I’m denying [mundanes] all this.” [gestures to his body] (1x02) / “hello, have you seen the guy?” (1x02) / hooking up with seelies (2x07) / giving simon dating advice (2x07)

jace plays up those stereotypes, even though we know he isn’t as cocky and confident as he seems, because they help give him an identity, a mask, a grip on Who He Is

4. identity disturbance: black & white thinking

people with bpd often suffer from black & white thinking - people, including ourselves, are either Good or Bad and we have trouble distinguishing the gray area in between. after discovering that he was raised by valentine and that he was injected with demon blood, jace believes that he is inherently Bad™ (+and valentine encourages this way of thinking)

1x11 - jace: “there’s something wrong with me.”

1x11 - clary: “[your father] broke your falcon’s neck.” jace: “i ruined it.”

1x13 - alec: “you can’t let [valentine] control you like this! this isn’t you!” jace: “it is me. it’s always been me. he raised me to be a killer.”

1x13 - clary: “you’re not like him. i’m not! you’re not!” jace: “you don’t know that, clary.”

2x04 - victor: “’to love is to destroy.’ [...] do you agree with that sentiment?” jace: “yes.”

jace believes he will hurt the people he loves and that anyone he loves will die or leave him

this way of thinking is also manipulated by valentine, who makes jace believe that he is inherently bad and dangerous // more about this: here, here, and here.

2x01 - valentine manipulates jace into killing turned shadowhunters and multiple downworlders

2x01 - valentine: “even a single drop of demon blood running in your veins makes you a threat to humanity.”

2x01 - valentine: “you really think love will keep you from hurting your family and friends? no matter how hard you fight it, demon blood will make you kill.”

2x10 - valentine preys on jace’s self-destructive/sacrificial tendencies and tricks him into grabbing the soul sword, making him responsible for killing dozens of downworlders

5. impulsivity in potentially self-damaging ways (e.g., substance abuse, reckless driving, etc)

jace is canonically self-destructive, known to be reckless, and often disregards authority

1x03 - jace purposefully antagonizes and steals a vampire’s motorcycle

1x09 - alec to jace: “you always broke the rules”

1x13 - jace disappears without warning, and decides to contact valentine and return to him without consulting anyone else (alec: “he went after valentine by himself. it’s like he totally lost it. i tried to stop him, but he wouldn’t listen.”)

2x07 - jace is promiscuous, possibly using sex as self-harm

2x09 - jace leaves simon and clary, without warning and against simon’s judgement, to confront valentine and save madzie alone

2x10 - jace grabs the soul sword, despite believing it will kill him

we can also infer that jace uses alcohol as a coping mechanism

6. suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

some examples where we can infer jace as suicidal:

1x09 - jace: “i don’t want to be alive if we’re on different sides, alec.”

2x03 - jace: “my brother is counting on me. you can kill me, just please let me get to him first.”

2x04 - after victor’s questioning, jace tries to kill himself with the soul sword

2x10 - simon: “i would have killed you.” jace: “i would have let you.”

2x10 - jace goes through with the suicide mission to grab the soul sword

7. highly emotional with bouts of intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (often followed by intense shame/guilt)

jace has angry outbursts at alec in 1x03, 1x05, 1x09, 1x11, and 2x07

jace apologizes in 1x12

1x13 - jace is so angry while fighting hodge that he needs to be stopped by alec

2x01 - jace impulsively flings a kitchen knife at valentine

2x05 - jace: “clary, i spent my whole life fighting my emotions.”

8. chronic feelings of emptiness or severe dissociative symptoms.

1x02 - jace: “it's cute. you assume i have feelings.”

in 2x01, valentine disguises as clary and baits jace into trying to escape from the ship before revealing that he wasn’t actually clary. this isn’t an example of dissociation itself, but the fact that val manipulates jace’s sense of reality may affect his ability to distinguish real from unreal, friend from foe, etc even after he escapes from the ship

2x05 - while in prison, jace has a nightmare of stabbing clary

2x05 - clary: “how do you feel?” jace: “i don’t know.”

2x07 - jace hooks up with kaelie at magnus’ loft, and then is later seen at the hunter’s moon with several other women. as mentioned earlier, this is speculation, but i think jace is acting out, trying to fill an emptiness re: his still strained relationships with clary and alec, his lack of purpose at the institute, etc. he’s seeking attention, and desperately wants to feel Something

resources

bpd diagnostic criteria @shitborderlinesdo faq part 1, part 2 bpd in the dsm-5 [pg. 663-667] my bpd jace tag

#i've been working on this for ?? over a month ??#but anyway i know some people were interested in this when i first talked about it so here you are *kiss emoji*#jace wayland #bpd jace #mine #mental illness //

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heartluvr2000 · 8 years ago

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what's your favorite book, poem, song, & artist? also, do you prefer the seaside, forest, or city? 🌌

favorite book – code name verity!!!!! it honestly got me into historical fiction and the Lesbian Subtext is unreal……..i love it so much 💓

favorite poem – anything by e.e. cummings!!!! especially the love poems. i love the way he uses words

favorite song – right now i think it’s in a week by hozier ……..softest song about mortality and love - OH or ed’s new song. which is about me and my gf

favorite artist – i have too many!!!!! i love vampire weekend, lorde, ed sheeran, hozier, fatm, wet, keaton henson, and sufjan stevens hdnsnsn honestly just check out my spotify (tinyrosegrl)!

and i’d pick seaside most definitely!!! even though the city has all of my heart

#answered #thank u 💓💓💓

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love-y-o-u-3000 · 8 years ago

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Okay, I forgot about something VERY important so I had to rewrite that post... which isn’t really that bad because writing meta at 3 AM on mobile... not the brightest idea. So, anyway... I of course copy + pasted some of what I have written which I still agree with.

My third take on this, now considering the fact that John’s phone buzzes differently in different scenes AND the details I completely forgot about before.

I THINK and I basically base this entire post on this - that there are six scenes in TST where we can hear John’s phone buzzing. Four times buzzing taking a pause and then buzzing again. Twice buzzing just once. And I think that when it buzzes just once it indicates that scenes are fake. The pictures above are from all (I think) the scenes where John’s phone buzzes twice, pictures 1,2,5 and 6. 3 and 4 and 7 are there for a different reason, I’ll explain.

Now, I think that when they showed the montage of John cheating, while all of them were sitting in the plane, it was mostly fake, except, they snuck in two real scenes and that is the John in the kitchen scene and John texting “I am not free”. I am more or less, sure about the first one, not SO sure about the second one it’s just bugging me terribly and that scene (pic 7) simply fits no narrative save for one. But back to the kitchen scene, he already did the smug surprised/pleased smirk once before deciding whether to throw it into the bin or not so why acting exactly the same way again?

Maybe it won’t make much sense to anybody, maybe it’s terribly stupid but I really think, that the scenes where John’s phone buzzes only once are the sign that the scenes are fake. It buzzes just once in the second version of the bed scene and in the scene where John and Mary both get a text from Sherlock. But in this scene these texts from Sherlock are signed, why? When in the first bus scene Sherlock doesn’t sign his anymore and coincidentally enough, John’s phone buzzes twice when he receives them. They changed the buzzing between two scenes in the bedroom for a reason, imho, to indicate that one of them is not real - the second one. BOTH those scenes where John’s phone buzzes only once come after Sherlock and John’s trip to Morocco. At that point his phone only buzzes twice in a FLASHBACK to the kitchen, the second flashback to the bedroom however is already altered so it buzzes just once. Now, back to screencaps. I arranged them in the order I think the real events happened. John doesn’t flirt with the woman, woman doesn’t bite her lip and she is already fiddling with that ticket, as somebody already pointed out. Which means, she was most probably delivering the number and it is not her own.

He looks a little uncomfortable, awkward smile, etc. not really that interested like in the second version, the typical John, BUT he still runs his fingers through his hair. And it has also been already pointed out that once John leaves the bus he puts something in his pocket, which means that LiR E most probably handed him the number in the bus. And THEN what follows at some point some day at 11AM, idk when because John, unlike Mary John changes his shirt every fucking second, John checks the number for the first time in the kitchen, imho. Then grins, like he used to grin when Sherlock did something clever, those were the good times. Now... we have two options, the Johnlock option and... well, not a Johnlock one.

Option A, the version where the scene in pic 7 is real: It unfortunately makes a little more sense this way, he was probably smirking because a random pretty woman gave him his number hooray he can finally get some. And he most probably texted *her*. And, yes, the scene is unfortunately most probably real. But we never get the real version of the other half of the bed scene, so we do not know how their relationship continued. But we know how it ended. John saying that it is not a good idea, he is not free, I firmly believe that the scene is real but I might be wrong of course. So it seems that in the end it really was cheating, but John probably didn’t sleep with her, they just got to know each other a little.

BUT for whatever mysterious reason we are led to believe he did. The second, altered bedroom scene “it’s been too long” and “miss you” and John checking whether Mary is already returning were fake but on the first glance you, you must get the impression that they have been sleeping together for months already while in reality they were probably, hopefully just texting. Which doesn’t make it any better tbh because I don’t understand this character “development” it would make me like John much less, I simply wouldn’t be able to trust him any longer, I am already having major issues with all this. Because such texting is still cheating, the temptation was still there he still grinned like that because that woman gave him that number (if we consider this option real) and… ugh just what happened to developing his and Sherlock’s relationship? Never mind, anyway, the point is, John having an actual affair with that woman still must be a part of covering up the truth of who actually shot Mary, somehow, idk how. Because the next time John receives a message and it buzzes just once is when he and Mary are summoned by Sherlock. And I consider that scene… not really what happened at all.

Option B, the version where the scene in pic 7 is not real, because that damn scene really makes me question everything (because you know, that scene makes it sound like they didn’t sleep with each other, that they were only texting, contrary to what the bed scene 2 is implying, which is why I believe that this option 2 is probably just wishful thinking and pure speculation):

I have to put some johnlock googles on for a little moment for the sake of… idek, it just makes no much sense to be Sherlock?

But anyway, back to the kitchen scene, let’s imagine it was Sherlock sending LiR, along with a secret number they can communicate via with John.

We don’t know what LiR E told John in the bus in the first version of that scene before handing him the ticker. Maybe she told him enough for John to figure out whose number it really is. John texts “hey” and they made the point of saying that Sherlock deletes the texts that start with HI nobody said anything about HEY though. We could argue that after John texts he gets a way too rapid answer and Sherlock is practically always on his phone, but bear in mind that he texts the number he just saved, so that isn’t Sherlock. Unless Sherlock switched phones or is using one to communicate with John only, but… that’s a… major stretch… ignore that. But, in this version, it is possible that John’s pleased-i am gonna-fuck-that-woman smile is in fact pretty-damn-smart/sherlock-is-brilliant smile, John figuring something out, who is the one who sent the woman (which COULD be Sherlock, he is the one who suggested the bus, right? too bad that it was in the scene that definitely happened AFTER the woman already give him the number... well, but there is still a chance that if he suggested that once, maybe he suggested that before as well, you know, if anything he is well aware of john using bus to travel to work)

Now, let’s imagine Sherlock and John really are in cahoots and they’ve been using codes (yes, okay, vampire and night owl might actually be codes between the two of them, but the scene is twisted so it looks like they are from LiR E, that scene is 100% fake but the text messages might have been real, since we never see them in the first bed scene... although they sound nothing like Sherlock but if you want to believe that then be my guest, this scene is fake anyway imo so it doesn’t really matter) and secret phone numbers to communicate this entire time, prepared to take down Mary, pretending for all that time. Remember, they must have started tracking the AGRA flash drive even BEFORE Mary stole it from Sherlock. Then Mary runs away. They follow her to Morocco. But it’s exactly where the fake unreal stuff starts getting even more fake and unreal. It’s in the plane where we get those two altered scenes. LiR E’s reflection in the window. But... Sherlock’s already used to creating wonky alternate universes while sitting in a plane. It starts getting awful from THIS precise moment where John touches Mary’s hand, the second he touches her Sherlock suddenly appears on screen.

Well, John forgives Mary AGAIN, without actually saying the words “forgive you“ but not in reality, this is Sherlock’s narrative. Hell, maybe John was actually pretending to forgive her, still ready to take her down. It is NOT a coincidence that from this moment on we get scenes where John’s phone buzzes only once, except for a flashback which who knows when happened. This is Sherlock’s version of reality, John forgives Mary, John chooses Mary (again) but then on their flight back we get the sequence of John actually cheating on Mary, having an affair with Lir E and now having to feel guilty for it. We get some fake scenes some real some altered, because for whatever reason, John having to have an affair with that woman is somehow important. Like, you can imagine how, if they have to cover up the fact that they have been secretly talking about taking down John’s wife. It is a smaller crime, to cheat on your wife than plotting her doom with your best friend.

Well, then they return to London and... well, fast forward, Sherlock texts both of them, John’s phone buzzes just once and Sherlock SIGNS his text even though he didn’t do that in the beginning of the episode... nor in any other scene actually, except that one? Which screams FAKE. That scene is part of Sherlock’s massive lie, just like everything that happens in TST. But this is like a triple bluff, a lie wrapped up in a lie, hints of hallucinations every now and then. Like, I still do believe that John might have been the one who shot Mary so the entire point of Sherlock changing the details and imagining that John forgave her again, is to cover up the real story. No, Vivian didn’t shoot Mary, John did, but they have nothing on Mary, she is known and recognised as a lovely innocent wife (seriously, do Mrs Hudson and Molly and Greg even know she shot Sherlock???), not an assassin, they would have no proof even if she was threatening either Sherlock or John. John would be a murderer. So they had to make up this story.

And now here’s the saddest part. The version of reality Sherlock chose to sell the world is the embodiment of John (Molly)’s words (a little out of context but still).

“[John] said he’d rather HAVE anyone but you. Anyone.“

Now, fast backwards...

John pushing Sherlock away, refusing his help, BLAMING him for everything that had happened. Loving Mary much more he had ever loved him.

John choosing a random woman from a bus over Sherlock, there was never any plan, no deal between them, the number that woman gave John was actually hers and they texted/sexted/slept together, John is a cheater, he doesn’t smile down at Sherlock’s texts in this version, he smirks and flirts with that woman instead

John forgiving Mary, choosing her over Sherlock (again)

Like I realise that this is most probably totally confusing incorrect and wrong, everything. But still...

TL;DR: The main point, the scenes where John’s phone buzzes once, it indicates they are fake and/or altered somehow imho. Also, Sherlock is sad and in love with John but he doesn’t know what to do about it. Also, they might or might not be in cahoots.

#s4 #mine

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skullfuckedkingdumb · 6 years ago

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The Age of Speed

“The revolutionary contingent attains its ideal form not in the place of production, but in the street, where for a moment it stops being a cog in the technical machine and itself becomes a motor (machine of attack), in other words a producer of speed.” - Paul Virilio, Speed and Politics

What is at stake in our world today? Should we align ourselves with what one Japanese poet sang: “I pray for the music of the citizens walking.” Is this it? Movement, speed, the future as the force of acceleration? Has accelerationism become the order of the day? Maybe we need something on the order of what Mark Fischer describes, quoting Deleuze and Guattari’s Anti-Oedipus: “Not to withdraw from the process, but to go further, to ‘accelerate the process,’ as Nietzsche put it: in this matter, the truth is that we haven’t seen anything yet.” Against all those like the Italian Autonomists who as Bifo Berardi (After Future) remarks that the ‘future is over’ we should think differently.1 But to give him his due, Berardi was not speaking of temporality, but of ‘psychological perception’, which ‘emerged in the cultural situation of progressive modernity, the cultural expectations that were fabricated during the long period of modern civilization…”(AF 18). So it is against ‘progressive modernity’ that he speaks of future as progressive, as some unending temporal order of succession as a radical Enlightenment Project projected into an endless future of possibility and hope. He says this is over, caput, dead and buried amid the wastelands of modernity strewn around us on this dying earth we all inhabit.

Nick Land was one of the first to take up the battle cry of accelerationism. For him it was all about thanatropics: “labour is far harder to control than the live stuff was, which is why the enlightenment project of interring gothic superstition was the royal road to the first truly vampiric civilization, in which death alone comes to rule” (TA, p. 79). Continuing his inquisition he remarks, echoing Nietzsche:

“This is the initial impulse into capital’s religious history; the sacrifice of all dogmatic theology to the ascetic ideal, which is finally consummated in the death of God. The theology of the One, rooted in concrete beliefs and codes that summarize and defend the vital interests of a community, and therefore affiliated to a tenacious anthropomorphism, is gradually corroded down to the impersonal zero of catastrophic religion” (TA, p. 79).”

It is in this absolute zero of capital religion that we discover Land’s accelerationism, wherein capital “attains its own ‘angular momentum’, perpetuating a run-away whirlwind of dissolution, whose hub is the virtual zero of impersonal metropolitan accumulation. At the peak of its productive prowess the human animal is hurled into a new nakedness, as everything stable is progressively liquidated in the storm” (TA, p. 80). Benjamin Noys in his own variation of this interesting doctrine tells us that it is “an exotic variant of la politique du pire: if capitalism generates its own forces of dissolution then the necessity is to radicalise capitalism itself: the worse the better. We can call these positions accelerationist.” (Accelerationism) The point that Mark Fischer makes is that all our contrary dreams for organic wholeness, our slippage back into some primal time of peace and tribalism, some paganistic mishmash of communal habitability is a fantasy, an unreal possibility. Instead we should accept the accelerationist movement forward. And, for him, it entails three things: 1) Everyone is an accelerationist; 2) Accelerationism has never happened; and, 3) Marxism is nothing if it is not accelerationist. In a reversal of intent he says we need to return to aspects of both Lyotard’s Libidinal Economy and Deleuze and Guattari Anti-Oedipus: “the resources of negativity” that the left desperately needs to energize its programs effectively. Doing so we must emphasize “politics as a means to greater libidinal intensification: rather, it’s a question of instrumentalising libido for political purposes”. Fischer moved on from their to Land’s cyberpunk capitalism: “an accelerationist cyber-culture in which digital sonic production disclosed an inhuman future that was to be relished rather than abominated. Land’s machinic theory-poetry paralleled the digital intensities of 90s jungle, techno and doomcore, which sampled from exactly the same cinematic sources, and also anticipated “impending human extinction becom[ing] accessible as a dance-floor” (Fanged Noumena, 398)”. Fischer sees in Land something the Left needs desperately, because it was the failure on the Left’s part “to foresee the extent to which pastiche, recapitulation and a hyper-oedipalised neurotic individualism would become the dominant cultural tendencies” that lead to a “fundamental misjudgement about the dynamics of capitalism”. He tells us that Land’s failure was to collapse “capitalism into what Deleuze and Guattari call schizophrenia, thus losing their most crucial insight into the way that capitalism operates via simultaneous processes of deterritorialization and compensatory reterritorialization. Capital’s human face is not something that it can eventually set aside, an optional component or sheath-cocoon with which it can ultimately dispense. The abstract processes of decoding that capitalism sets off must be contained by improvised archaisms, lest capitalism cease being capitalism.” The problem is here that Fischer himself could not have foreseen that Land’s abrupt turn to the Right, to a neo-reactionary worldview and ideology that would no longer try to subvert the forces of capital, but would in fact enter into the very accelerating instrumentalism that Fischer himself feared. One sees in many of Land’s works of present note in his current blog Outside In a neo-reactionary stance, as well as a foray into what is termed the Dark Enlightenment (organized on Matt Leslie’s site) here. Without realizing this inner logic of accelerationism as an entry point onto reactionary forces rather than the radical Left Fischer remarked: “accelerationism can function as an anti-capitalist strategy – not the only anti-capitalist strategy (other anti-capitalist strategies are available, as it were) but a strategy that must be part of any political program that calls itself Marxist.” But can this truly be so? Toward the end of this post Fischer tell us that “capitalism has abandoned the future because it can’t deliver it. Nevertheless, the contemporary left’s tendencies towards Canutism, its rhetoric of resistance and obstruction, collude with capital’s anti/meta-narrative that it is the only story left standing”. Yet, isn’t the opposite true, capitalism has not given up on the future, it has only given up the ‘progressive future’, not the hyperintensive future of climatology, biotechnology, nanotechnology, bioinformatics, and genomics and the transhumanist dreams of a technocapitalistic global empire. That seems very much alive. At the moment it looks more like the future is only over for the Left, that they are more and more failing to gain a foothold in this venture of the future, and for all intents and purposes are living in the past of dead glories, fantasies, and revolutionary rhetoric that is no longer viable in any measure or deed. Why is this? Why has the Left failed? Why is the Left left on the Ouside looking in rather than leading the vanguard into the hope of a future worth living? Is it truly as Derrida suggested that it is the ‘Specter of Marxism’ that haunts us rather than Marxism itself? Are we left with only provocation in such philosophical hijinks as Badiou and Zizek? Is there a Left left? One critic of Land’s Accelerationism, Jehu Eaves, a self-styled “marxist-in-recovery” on Gonzo Times, states that for Land “the determinant factor in a capitalist economy are the exchange relations, not production relations. This effectively puts him in the same bed with underconsumptionists and he seems simply to be an underconsumptionist perversely turned inside out. If you think exchange is the determining factor in the mode of production, the logical conclusion is that the mode of production can be ‘accelerated’ simply by the most rapid extension of exchange relations. Land’s leading critics seem to agree that this is the chief defect of Landian accelerationism — it absolute emphasis on expansion of the world market and commodification of all human relations.” (here) This same critic says that one argument against such an accelerationism is that there is a fifty-fifty chance that it might lead into an “onrushing catastrophe” rather than some revolution in the system. He also says of Land’s critics, the very Leftists that use his accelerationism to other ends that “we must stop the collapse of civilization, but the working class must first be goaded to do this through an increasing deterioration of its conditions of existence. And none of these cowards wants to be the one to deliver the bad news to the worker as she is just getting off her third job.” He continues stating that the “defect of Land’s argument is to realize it inverts the actual relation between the mode of production and the mode of exchange. Land proposes the mode of production can be accelerated toward its demise by imposing uninhibited commodification on every aspect of social relations. In fact, the opposite is the case: the mode of production is accelerated by compelling capital to become ever more productive, by compelling a constantly rising organic composition of capital.” (ibid.) But I wonder if this is a defect in Land or a misprisioning / misreading of Land by others? Jehu, in one final bite, remarks: “The possibility of an entirely communistic accelerationism is already given by labor theory in the very conception of capital as the production of surplus value - the self-expansion of capital being the motive of capital and its only concern. One of the most important empirical observations Marx makes in Capital is that once society imposed limits on hours of labor in England, the introduction of machinery and intensive employment of labor power accelerated… The conclusion has to be that reduction of hours of labor not only has the effect of freeing the proletariat from the destructive impact of the value form, it actually accelerates the demise of capital. The demand for a reduction of hours of labor, therefore, completes the connection between critique of the value form and elaboration of a practical communist program.(ibid.)

From Land we turn to Alex Williams and Nick Srnicek who have taken up once again the banner of the Accelerationist cause in their

“Manifesto for an Accelerationist Politics”

. They seem to envision a terroristic age of climatic upheaval, mass unemployment, terminal resource depletion, and continuing catastrophes in both human and planetary scales unimaginable during previous eras except for the global catastrophes of asteroids, etc. Because of this, they, too, join forces with such as the Autonomists and spouting an end to the future: “In this paralysis of the political imaginary, the future has been cancelled.”

They describe a neoliberalism 2.0 that is reinventing itself, something Land and his neoreactionaries call the ‘Cathedral’. The idea of the State as encompassing Academia, Think-Tanks, Finance, Governance, etc. etc… to the nth power as an all pervading octopus with its tentacles everywhere in our lives with no escape other than that of ludicrous gestures of comic subversion or pathetic terrorism based on mindless and meaningless gestures of inertia. They seem to feel that all of this is the Right’s fault: “In the absence of a radically new social, political, organisational, and economic vision the hegemonic powers of the right will continue to be able to push forward their narrow-minded imaginary, in the face of any and all evidence.” As if the Left were not a part of this neoliberal world (Clinton, Obama) as well. As if the supposed democratic party were absolved of its complicity in this state of affairs. It’s not, it’s as guilty as hell. There can no longer be any justification for either party in its complicity as it allows such a hypercapitalism to slowly cannibalize the world. All the breast beating in the world will no stop this. The Left has failed itself and cannot continue to blame some imaginary Right, when its very own parties enact neoliberal agendas.

W & S tell us that that present capitalistic 2.0 system “in its neoliberal form, its ideological self-presentation is one of liberating the forces of creative destruction, setting free ever-accelerating technological and social innovations.” They situate their own discourse within the slipstream of Landian thought, saying, even his “myopic yet hypnotising belief that capitalist speed alone could generate a global transition towards unparalleled technological singularity” is not enough. They criticize him saying that “Landian neoliberalism confuses speed with acceleration. We may be moving fast, but only within a strictly defined set of capitalist parameters that themselves never waver. We experience only the increasing speed of a local horizon, a simple brain-dead onrush rather than an acceleration which is also navigational, an experimental process of discovery within a universal space of possibility. It is the latter mode of acceleration which we hold as essential.” But is this true? Have we not seen many of the new City-States as neocapitalist laboratories, prime examples of the neoliberal vision that seems to be overtaking us in accelerating speed, as sites of possibility that the neoliberals are using as experimental labs of capitalism, allowing the future to permeate their secret lairs as they build their free-trade (criminalized) zones? Isn’t there something like a dark enlightenment going on in this process? Think of Shanghai, Land’s on home base, where creative destruction by capital has been an ongoing project for a while now. As Land once remarked: “Philosophers have only ever interpreted the world, but architects get to build it. Although still inchoate, a neomodern architectural landscape is quite unmistakably under construction. This is especially evident in Shanghai.” (Land, Shanghai Times) The reemergence of Shanghai as a sort of City-State of the neoliberal future beckoning all to drift between a Confucianism stabilizing the secular modality of the populace with the petulance of a neomodernist revivalism in architecture, art, culture, and the liquid movement of an accelerating future mobilized in each moments awareness is telling.

W & S seem to be stuck and fixated in the ‘progressive futurism’ of the past, rather than in accelerationsm as it is – a future coming at us, rather than as some progressive accumulation of past successes and transformations. “Even worse, as Deleuze and Guattari recognized, from the very beginning what capitalist speed deterritorializes with one hand, it reterritorializes with the other. Progress becomes constrained within a framework of surplus value, a reserve army of labour, and free-floating capital.” How could progress become constrained, when accelerationism is about the implosion of the future in accelerating speed upon the present? Isn’t it Williams and Srnicek themselves who have misunderstood Land, accusing him of myopic vision, when in truth it is they themselves who have become fixated on outdated tools of critical appraisal an Marixian discourse that is no longer viable for what they see in front of them? This notion of free-floating capital, immaterial, wandering the networks of the new nomos of earth, a transnationalized flow valve of monetary bits channeled to the desires of an incomplete machinic unconscious? Progress never stopped, it just changed directions: innovation moved out of the national and into the global world where biotechnology, robotics, nanotech, artificial-intelligence… all the current drift toward transhumanism and a notion of Singularity (Kurzweil). Progress stopped only for the older Industrial systems in a America and EU. The creative destruction of the older technologies as such purveyors as Wal-Mart enforced new global regimes of production of on-demand, supply-side economics on a moment by moment basis have demonopolized the unions and the capitalist classism of old. The Left targets a world that no longer exists, and has yet to actually see the new world in all its fractured success. The world has changed but the Left has remained the SAME. In a void of ideological in-fighting and resuscitation of outmoded conceptuality it blindly moves forward espousing its epithets of derision and calls for a return to beginnings. A beginning is something New not a return…

W & S would even have us believe that the neoliberal forces have “progressed, rather than enabling individual creativity” and eliminated “cognitive inventiveness in favour of an affective production line of scripted interactions”. What they describe is more like a Ballardian future of affectless psychopaths who have become cyborgs of the new cognitariat of intellectual production who having absolved themselves of freedom live in gated cities secured by the RFID tags stapled to their DNA. They remind us that along with Land we should remember Marx, not as our contemporary Left seem to remember him, but as the prophet of accelerationism he was: “we must remember that Marx himself used the most advanced theoretical tools and empirical data available in an attempt to fully understand and transform his world. He was not a thinker who resisted modernity, but rather one who sought to analyse and intervene within it, understanding that for all its exploitation and corruption, capitalism remained the most advanced economic system to date. Its gains were not to be reversed, but accelerated beyond the constraints the capitalist value form.” Should we assume from the above that Marx is still Sacred Writ, that he is still providing the Left with the adamant script to be enforced? Is the capitalist world the same as in Marx’s time. Should we not finally begin thinking for ourselves, and incorporate Marx’s insights without following him as if by the letter of the law?

They even bring Lenin in on this accelerating future: “Socialism is inconceivable without large-scale capitalist engineering based on the latest discoveries of modern science.” Why this need of a large-scale Social Engineering project? Is not already what the Neoliberal Thought Collective has done for the past 50 years? From the days of Mount Pelerin Society to now so well documented by Philips Mirowski in The Road from Mont Pelerin: The Making of the Neoliberal Thought Collective. As well as in such works as Angus Burgin’s The Great Persuasion, and/or Masters of the Universe by Daniel Steadman Jones. For Lenin it the central motif of Communism that what was required of capitalism was the ‘planned state’ as the driving force behind it, that otherwise it would be impossible to maintain. But isn’t this in itself an admission of failure and stasis, that someone would need to control and govern such energies, that without the iron fist of some central committee to drive such forces they would accelerate beyond reasonable control? Was Lenin always already defeated? That humans could control such impersonal forces? Isn’t this at the heart of what W & S mean when they tell the Left that it must embrace “suppressed accelerationist tendency” within Marxism itself freed of the entrapments of a planned state?

In their manifesto Williams and Srnicek call for an end to the divisions in the Left, for a folk politics based on “localism, direct action, and relentless horizontalism”, and instead they tell the Left that they must embrace instead “an accelerationist politics at ease with a modernity of abstraction, complexity, globality, and technology.” Does this not remind one of the earlier Italian futurists who embraced modernity to the point of “ruinous and incendiary violence”? They tell us that everyone wants to ‘work less’, but that instead we’ve seen the “progressive elimination of the work-life distinction, with work coming to permeate every aspect of the emerging social factory.”

They complain that instead of real freedom and inventiveness the neoliberalism has brought in its wake constraints that have narrowed the possibilities of work and production in a endless round of the same iterative inanity because of monopolization of those very forces. They tell us a return to the industrial style societies (Fordism) of the nineteenth and early to mid twentieth century are foreclosed to us, that we there is nothing essentially wrong with neoliberalism other than that it needs to be ‘repurposed toward common ends’: “the existing infrastructure is not a capitalist stage to be smashed, but a springboard to launch towards post-capitalism”.

“Who amongst us fully recognizes what untapped potentials await in the technology which has already been developed?” A question W & S ask. They remind us that the true potential of such technologies have yet to be ‘exploited’, that what is needed an acceleration in the ‘process of technological evolution’. Yet, they remind us that this is not some techno-utopian dream, but a way to resolve the current malaise within our world and provide a way to overcome our real ‘social conflicts’. But on the other hand they seem to fall back into old habits of thought telling us that this post-capitalist endeavor will require ‘post-capitalist planning’, that ‘we must develop both a cognitive map of the existing system and a speculative image of the future economic system’. How would that help? Wouldn’t any such effort be a totalizing gesture, a symbolic fiction of simulated mappings in some computer modeling algorithmic constellation based upon outworn Platonic representationlism of past economic systems? This would be to reenter the world of representation by the back door, a return to the past rather than some accelerating future. A sort of have your cake and eat it too methodology. A control system that totalizes everything through some centralized planning committee that leaves nothing to chance. Just another totalitarian regime of knowledge and power controlling the destiny of the earth and her inhabitants.

They even hint of such a tyrannical gesture when that tell the Left that they “must develop sociotechnical hegemony: both in the sphere of ideas, and in the sphere of material platforms”. In fact they tell us that democratic processes are not enough, that “direct action is sufficient to achieve any of this,” that the “habitual tactics of marching, holding signs, and establishing temporary autonomous zones risk becoming comforting substitutes for effective success.” In fact, more pointedly that tell us that the “overwhelming privileging of democracy-as-process needs to be left behind”. Is this so? Hmmm… Instead of an open society they tell us that “secrecy, verticality, and exclusion all have their place as well in effective political action”. Again, is this so? Is this the future of the Left? In a bold statement they reiterate: “Real democracy must be defined by its goal – collective self-mastery.” Such Nietzscheism seems quite different from what the Left has usually been associated. Yet, in a gesture of equivocation they try to wiggle out of such totalitarian centralization, saying:

“Communism is for us not a state of affairs which is to be established, an ideal to which reality [will] have to adjust itself. We call communism the real movement which abolishes the present state of things. The conditions of this movement result from the premises now in existence.”

(note the above quote refreshed in my mind by Jehu)

Craig Hickman

2013

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