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selfships-in-spanish · 4 years

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–A fleeting encounter

I’m posting the Vampire!Hank ask as a new post because for the love of everything, Tumblr doesn’t let me take out the read more out of the ask’s header. It’s glued to the ask bubble and there’s no way to get it out... Ugh, this hellish site.

Here’s the original ask:

Your AU’s keep me alive ❤️ however, the Vampire AU is currently my new drug. Vampire Hank is such a weakness! I love imagining Ona meeting Vampire!Hank for the first time and she’s both seduced but also cautious of him 👀 imagining Hank giving a deep menacing chuckle at how this little human amuses him 🥴

BUT AHHHH THANK YOU ANON!!! I’m sorry for having so many AUs but I just enjoy all the ideas you guys come up with, and I absolutely love creating content for them!! Vampire!AU is something I want to delve more into, because it’s dark, it’s dangerous and we all love our damn vampires, don’t we all.

I’ll get over my phobia of blood for you guys, I got you all (seriously, I see blood and/or needles I go down to the floor. And I’m diabetic. FUN! )

But… Au within an Au? Ona is still a cop? Hank & the boys are a vamp family and Mr.Anderson is out having a nice hunt evening?

AUception it is.

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She’s tiny.

That’s not hard to be when he’s a giant mass compared to anyone, strong and robust, but the difference is still funny.

She has a lovely voice and he wonders if her blood will taste sweet too.

Hank observes the situation in a table near his barstool: her tight smile and bored eyes, her way of picking the food on her plate and how the almost empty wine glass was more interesting than the conversation and man in front of her. The man probably thought he was doing a fantastic job and would get laid tonight, but the girl’s face told another story.

What a pity that courting and wooing was out of fashion; it was always nice to be and feel appreciated.

The girl looked around the restaurant, not being able to bear another look at the guy. They crossed looks, and from Hank’s magnetic gaze, she was unable to look away. Hank smirked, pleased he had her attention now. He made sure to look intently at her as he took a sip of his drink, appealing to her curiosity. He winked.

Hank’s smirk widened when her cheeks reddened, quickly looking away and getting herself busy with her own drink, looking everywhere but him.

The pretty human tried to keep on with the conversation, tried to concentrate on the man in front of her rather than the mysterious silver fox, and it amused Hank to no end. He was a patient man, and he knew he would taste her eventually. It made the wait worthwhile.

Her date stood up, excusing himself to go to the bathroom. The girl nodded and sighed once the man was out of sight and hearing range. The waiter came immediately after she finished her glass of wine, leaving another one and a small folded note. She frowned.

“From the gentleman over there.”

The girl looked over where the waiter pointed, eyes widening when she saw who this gentleman was. Hank chuckled to himself, raising his own glass in acknowledgement and waiting for her to reciprocate the far away toast. She did, holding his intense gaze the entire time with a slight blush on her cheeks.

Now that he had her attention, it was only a matter of time and patience.

Hank was a patient man.

She looked away, shyly, when she put down her own glass, wiping her mouth delicately with her napkin. When she glanced over the mysterious gentleman again, he pointed to her table, that smirk still painted over his lips. Ona looked down, noticing for the first time the folded note that the waiter delivered with her glass of wine. Ona opened it, finding a handwritten note in a beautiful cursive hand.

“It looks like you need to break free from that cage, little bird. In case you want a more refreshing conversation, I’m having a smoke outside. H.”

There was also a number at the bottom of it. Huh. Silver fox was going strong.

Ona’s date was back and she hastily hid the note in her purse. The man grinned at her and she smiled back, trying so hard to keep up the façade. She felt bad for even considering going outside when she already was with someone, but the guy clearly was after a very certain and particular thing she was not going to give him, and this was becoming a huge, disastrous mess.

“Sorry sweet cheeks, Mother Nature called. Anyways, as I was saying…”

Ona tuned out, fearing her brain would rot if she listened to the guy mansplaining once again how to do her job. Going out for a dinner date with a fellow detective, even if he was from another precinct, had been another terrible idea. Why on earth did she say yes? Oh yes, Tina. Tina bet her, and Ona never stepped down from a bet in a display of a true stubborn spaniard as she was. It was practically in her veins.

Mr.I’m-the best-at-my-job kept going on, not even leaving her room to say her own thoughts about the matter. He kept drilling on, laughing at his own jokes while Ona merely smiled to keep the appearances. Gods, what a self-centred asshole. An involuntary sigh escaped her lips. Mr. My-teeth-are-whiter-than-snow frowned, shutting up.

“Sorry, am I boring you?” He didn’t sound sorry at all, more annoyed than anything.

“No, sorry. Just a little dizzy.”

“Huh. Well, like I was saying—“

“Actually, do you mind if I go outside for a minute? Some fresh air may help.”

Before Detective Asshole could say anything else, Ona stood up, grabbing her jacket from the chair and walking to the front door of the restaurant.

Nightly cold air greeted her, making her sigh pleasantly this time. She was actually starting to feel a throbbing inside her head. If that guy called her sweet cheeks again or said “as I was saying”, Ona would make him choke on his food, make that juicy olive in his cocktail get stuck in his throat and make it look like an accident. Ona let a smile grace her lips, enjoying the scene in her head.

“I thought you would never come.”

“OH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST—“ Ona jumped, startled when a deep, purring voice spoke next to her. Her heart was threatening to beat out of her chest. She placed a hand over it, trying to will her heart to a more even pace. The voice chuckled.

“Such blasphemous curses.”

“If you are a believer.” Ona looked at the owner of the voice, brows rising when she saw the mysterious silver fox.

True to his word, he was outside with a lit cigarette between his lips. Now that she was closer, Ona could see how full the beard was, but also well kept. The man smelled of expensive cologne, and judging by his clothes, he did have the money. Neat and clean haircut, spotless coat, leather gloves and blue eyes twinkling with amusement, although Ona could see a glint of something behind it. It made her uneasy but also curious.

“Out of the cage, then, little bird?”

“I needed fresh air indeed,” Ona crossed her arms. “But didn’t you promise a refreshing conversation?” Curiosity won.

The gentleman looked inside the restaurant where her date was.

“That bad?” He said, nodding in her date’s direction and brows raised.

“That bad.” Ona let herself snort.

The man stepped closer, holding his hand out.

“I’m Hank.”

Ona took it, squeezing it with enough force to let the man know she was not easily swayed. She wasn’t a Detective for nothing. She also had a mean punch. Hank looked pleased at her grip.

“Ona.” Hank’s hands were big. He was big. And she noticed right that instant how tiny she was compared to him.

“Nice to meet you, Ona.” She tried not to squeak like a tiny mouse.

“So, what brought you to the enlightening company of Mr. Boring Date over there?” His voice was like velvet and Ona felt it brush her ears like a soft caress.

“A bet.”

“A bet?” Hank’s amused chuckle made her pout. “I hope you win it, then. Considering…” Hank nodded towards her date’s direction.

“Yeah, gonna get some cash. And favours.” Ona joined his chuckle in the end, thinking about Tina’s smug face when Gavin discovers that no, Mr.Suit-&-Tie didn’t manage to get inside Ona’s pants. She could already see her new shiny toaster on her kitchen’s counter. “So, what’s a man like you doing in a place like this, all alone?”

“I’m not alone right now, am I?” Hank winked. Ona raised her brow.

“Is this how you pick up potential dates?”

“Are you considering yourself a potential date, then? I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea.”

“Wha–wait no, wait!” Ona could feel her cheeks getting hotter. She was a grown up woman and would absolutely not blush. No sir. “I didn’t say anything about a being a potential date!”

“You asked me if this is how I pick up potential dates.” Hank’s amused voice wasn’t helping her at all.

“I’m not– ugh! Don’t turn my words against me!”

“I’m so sorry, darling, you just made it so easy and I really couldn’t resist.” He stepped closer. He took out a pack of cigarettes, offering one to Ona. She shook her head.

“No, thank you. I don’t smoke.”

“Smart lady. Don’t fall into that. And it comes from someone who smokes like a chimney.”

“Then you should quit smoking. A man your age…” Ona teased him with a smirk of her own.

Hank snorted. If she really knew his age… but that’s a secret for later. He was only here to scout, to see what both Connor and Richard meant by a very strong-willed and capable Police Detective catching their attention, but if he got a taste… he wouldn’t complain one bit. Connor and Richard once got a whiff of her blood when their paths crossed in one of her police investigations, getting hurt while having to run after a suspect. Needless to say she did apprehend the suspect despite the cut on her leg. The fire in her eyes drew them in.

But, that didn’t mean he couldn’t play a little with this cute, tiny human. Hank was not stupid, she was pretty, and that’s something he absolutely read in Connor and Richard’s faces and attitude. When they found someone pretty and capable, they put their entire attention on them. She was a lucky lady.

“I’m going to make a proposition to you, Ona.” Hank blew the smoke upwards, mindful of not letting it hit her. Ona was silently grateful for that.

“An indecent one?” Ona chuckled, crossing her arms over her chest and tilting her head slightly to the side, curious.

“Ah, only if you want it to be, darling.” Hank purred out the pet name. Ona didn’t know she could blush even more.

“I-I—“

“You make teasing you so easy,” Hank stepped even closer, just tiptoeing on Ona’s personal space. She could smell the expensive cologne, but could feel no warmth radiating off him. Strange. “But that wasn’t what I was going to proposition to you. What about you give me one night?” One night with me, and then you can judge if I am that old.”

Ona felt her heart beat faster. Her mouth felt dry all of the sudden.

“Well?”

“I barely know you.” But she felt curious. And daring.

Hank raised his eyebrows, chuckling. She was a stubborn one. Connor will have fun with her.

“Well, what a better chance to know each other than to have a nice dinner together and drinks after?”

Hank made sense, in a way. He was the one interested in meeting her, but she wouldn’t admit out loud she wanted to know more about this mysterious man. Puzzles such as this were a thrill for her, she didn’t become a detective for the paperwork, but for the adrenaline rushing through her veins when faced with a dangerous case, a bloody trail begging to be solved, the satisfaction of seeing behind bars those who thought they could best the law, best her.

This man was a mystery begging to be solved, too.

“You know what? Give me your phone.”

Hank’s smile was radiant and just a touch from being predatory, pleased she accepted. He handed his phone to her, watching in satisfaction as she typed her phone number there.

He couldn’t wait to rub that fact on the younger vampire’s faces. While Richard kept pinning like the romantic dumbass he was, and Connor made excuses to bump into her investigations just to catch a glimpse and a whiff of her scent, Hank managed to get a date. How wonderful their enraged faces are going to be. Thank God he was an older and stronger vampire, more experienced too, or they would have torn him into shreds.

“I can’t believe I’ve done this, but… there you go. Call me.” Ona handed the phone back, which Hank took with a sparkling smile, showing perfect teeth with a little gap between the front ones that Ona found endearing.

“Of course I will, darling. Better when your romeo isn’t there wondering why his tricks ain’t working, huh?”

“Oh my god, I forgot about him!” Ona gasped, horrified at herself. Hank barked out a laugh, whole body shaking with it. Ona glanced at the restaurant’s window and then back to Hank. “I-I have to go. Like, right now. Shit.”

Hank took her hand and kissed the back of it. Ona was taken aback from the act and felt her cheeks redden.

“Go, or I’ll keep you here longer.”

Ona let out an undignified noise while Hank chuckled, taking her hand back and choking out a “bye” as she turned around and got inside again. In her shock she didn’t notice the frozen cold touch of his lips against her skin.

Hank stomped out the butt of the cigarette, taking out his phone and going through the contact’s list. His eyes twinkled in amusement.

“Ona 🌊”

Hank walked back to his car, whistling a random tune with a spring in his steps. It was a pretty name, very fitting also.

Connor and Richard were indeed not pleased that Hank passed his hand over their faces. He dangled the phone in his hand, knowing how the brothers wanted to throw his phone to the fire and stomp on its ashes.

“Don’t you dare taste her first, Hank.” Connor’s lips were pressed into a tight line.

“I wouldn’t even think about it, knowing how much you want her.” He did want to taste her blood, but he wasn’t that evil towards the brothers.

“You will regret it if you do.” Richard’s icy stare would have sent shivers down his spine if he knew he couldn’t fight him and win.

Hank groaned, tired of the silly possessiveness they felt towards the human. He went to the mini bar and poured himself a drink.

“I won’t drink her blood, for now, but if you don’t move your goddamn asses, I will be drinking something else.”

Hank felt the poisoned daggers the brothers were stabbing him with their eyes. They were enamored by that tiny human, and couldn’t think straight when her blood was present.

“If you don’t want me to do neither, do something yourselves.”

Connor and Richard stood up, lips curved into a snarl and their fists tight. They disappeared into their own rooms, probably to sulk. Hank sighed, shaking his head.

He had a dinner date to plan.

#dbh #detroit become human #hank anderson #rk800 #rk900 #hank anderson x oc #hank anderson x reader #rk800 x oc #rk900 x oc #vampire hank #vampire rk800 #vampire rk900 #vampire au #mius writes

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aion-rsa · 3 years

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Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s Funniest Guest Cast Characters

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Warning: contains Brooklyn Nine-Nine spoilers.

Brooklyn Nine Nine is one of the funniest sitcoms around thanks to its fantastic ensemble cast and just-broad-enough humour blended with almost-realistic cop show elements. But that great regular cast are supported by an equally brilliant array of recurring characters and guest stars. In this list, we’re celebrating the funniest of the show’s less often-seen characters, those guest appearances who’ve turned up once or twice to inject a fresh burst of comic energy into the show.

Note that we’re not counting regular recurring characters like Adrian Pimento, Madeline Wuntch, or Kevin Cozner, aka Mr Raymond Holt. If they turn up more than once a year, or in more than three episodes in one season, they’re off the list.

12. Adam Sandler, played by himself in Operation: Broken Feather, Season 1, Episode 15

Adam Sandler’s appearance as himself in Season One is beautifully self-deprecating as well as funny. His deadpan delivery of “I’m a serious person” is hilarious in just the right way – of course the real Sandler is, presumably, as serious and as complex as anyone else, but he knows his own public persona and just how to play on it in the right way to raise a different kind of laugh. The interest in antiquities, the planned film about the Russian Revolution, it’s all funny – and somewhat undercut, even more amusingly, by his taunting of Jake straight afterwards. The whole scene did help to flush out a criminal though, so it wasn’t a total loss for Jake.

Funniest moment: Admitting his “serious” Russian Revolution film features Kevin James as Trotsky, and a wife who doesn’t wear a bra through the whole film.

11. Geoffrey Hoytsman, played by Chris Parnell in two episodes in Season 2

When Jake’s lawyer girlfriend Sophia uses her boss as a transparent excuse to break up with him (by going on ‘pause’), Jake wilfully misunderstands and decides that the boss is the key problem, so he sets off to make the man like him. It all goes horribly wrong when Jake finds Hoytsman snorting cocaine in the bathroom, which Hoytsman claims he was doing accidentally while screaming loudly that Jake is arresting him to the whole room of lawyers. Sophia somehow still ends up blaming Jake – probably because she simply wanted to break up with him in the first place – and Hoytsman ends up returning to take Jake hostage and quite seriously threaten his life later in the season. Parnell’s over-the-top performance as a character who is, of course, high for much of the time, is what really sells the character.

Funniest moment: Sniffing cocaine off his collar in the middle of the police precinct.

10. Jessica Day, played by Zooey Deschanel in The Night Shift, Season 4, Episode 4

Back in 2016, both New Girl and Brooklyn Nine Nine were active Fox sitcoms, so the network decided to do a crossover event in which the New Girl characters travelled to New York City and ran into the 99. Most of the crossover scenes actually ended up in the New Girl episode, but Zooey Deschanel’s character Jess Day did make a brief appearance in the otherwise stand-alone Brooklyn Nine Nine half of the crossover. While the New Girl episode provided a lot more context for Jess’s feelings about New York and her stress level surrounding Schmidt’s mom’s car and the soup she’s carrying, her appearance as an apparently slightly nutty woman who resists Jake’s attempts to commandeer the car is an entertaining interlude during the half hour.

Funniest moment: Insisting that Jake’s oath to serve and protect applies to her soup.

9. Philip Davidson, played by Sterling K. Brown in The Box, Season 5, Episode 14

If this were a list of the show’s ‘best’ guest characters, rather than ‘funniest’, the top ranked would surely be Philip Davidson, played by Sterling K. Brown. ‘The Box’ is a tight, taught bottle episode that takes full advantage of Brooklyn Nine Nine’s hybrid status as both sitcom and cop show, and Brown’s Davidson forms a strong third of a triangle in this three-header with Holt and Peralta. It’s a really strong performance, but given that he’s playing a tough-to-crack murder suspect, not really the funniest, exactly. Still, he gets a good few laughs when appropriate over the course of a really engaging half hour of comedy/cop show crossover.

Funniest moment: When Davidson finally cracks, he cracks hard – his confession is equal parts triumphant, cathartic, and hilarious.

8. Karen Haas, played by Maya Rudolph in Coral Palms Parts 1&2, Season 4, Episodes 1&2

Maya Rudolph has a good line going in slightly weary authority figures (see also: The Good Place). Handling Holt and Peralta while they’re in witness protection is not an easy job and her exasperation at Jake’s refusal to accept his situation is well played. Haas is really funny, though, when she starts bringing her own issues into her official duties, clearly trying to get permission to cheat on her husband from someone, anyone – and Holt is happy to oblige.

Funniest moment: Whoever it is she wants to sleep with is “really young” – something that clearly shouldn’t be funny, but the face Rudolph pulls as she says it is what sells it.

7. Lin-Manuel Miranda as David Santiago in The Golden Child, Season 6, Episode 9

Miranda is marvellously smarmy as Amy’s too-perfect brother, her demanding parents’ favourite, who snubs popular culture and shows off by saving people’s lives (including Amy’s own husband). Amy’s delighted reaction when he’s arrested for cocaine possession and deep disappointment when he turns out to be innocent are highlights, but the funniest scene by far is the dance-off between David and Amy, in which both comprehensively demonstrate that dancing is not among the Santiago family’s many strengths.

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Funniest moment: David thinks elbows should form a bigger part of a dance routine than they really should.

6. Frederick, played by Nick Offerman in Ava, Season 3, Episode 8

Any time we meet Captain Holt’s friends and family, many of whom share his stoic, Vulcan-like demeanour, it’s always hilarious. JK Simmons as his old friend Dillman very nearly made the list, but he was just pipped to the post by Ron Swanson – sorry, Nick Offerman – as Holt’s ex-boyfriend. There’s a lot of crossover between Parks and Recreation and Brooklyn Nine Nine among the cast and crew and Offerman isn’t even the only Parks & Rec alumnus to appear on this list, but he’s probably the one whose appearance most quickly calls to mind his earlier character. The idea that Holt’s ex-boyfriend is Ron F-ing Swanson is just genius. OK, Frederick lacks Swanson’s magnificent moustache (though he has a glorious beard) and he’s even more brusque and stand-off-ish, but he’s a perfect match for Holt, even more in their post-break-up mutual antagonism than we imagine they were in their relationship.

Funniest moment: His straight-faced insistence at the door that they have a “wooden-duck situation”.

5. Mark Devereaux, played by Nathan Fillion in Serve & Protect, Season 4, Episode 14

It’s always funny any time police characters in a cop show visit the set of a TV cop show, and for added meta humour, in this case the actor playing the fictional detective is played by an actor who works on a cop show (albeit as a non-cop character). Phew! That’s a lot of layers of meta. Nathan Fillion’s pompous star who apparently thinks playing a detective makes him a detective is very funny, and it gets better when it turns out that was a ruse to cover up his own petty criminal activity before he folds like wet paper. It’s just a shame we didn’t get to see more of him.

Funniest moment: Devereaux tries turning on the angry detective act from his show to cover up his own crime, only to be confronted with quite a lot more than a “shred” of evidence and fold immediately.

4. Eleanor Horstweil, played by Kathryn Hahn in Hostage Situation, Season 3, Episode 11

We heard a lot about Boyle’s ex-wife over the first couple of seasons, partly because Boyle was still living in her basement, hanging out with her new husband Hercules. We knew what sort of person Eleanor was when Boyle explained that he gets the beach house from December to February. When we finally meet her in the flesh, Kathryn Hahn does not disappoint – Eleanor is surely one of the most purely horrible characters we’ve seen on the show (and yes, we’re including all the murderers). She hits a 90-year-old priest with her car and then destroys Boyle’s frozen sperm, all with no apparent sense of guilt, and she largely gets away with it, too. But she does it all with a perfectly deadpan expression and carefree attitude, each horrifying act funnier that the last.

Funniest moment: She goes further than Jake ever thought she would when she “shoots a hostage” – i.e., throws some of Boyle’s sperm down the drain.

3. Seth Dozerman, played by Bill Hader in New Captain, Season 3, Episode 1

Bill Hader’s screentime on the show is relatively brief, but he is hilarious from start to finish, attacking the squad with every shouted command like he’s firing metaphorical bullets at them. It might actually have been really cool to see the squad try to deal with him as their Captain for more than one episode, with his extremely demanding requirements and very highly strung personality, but on the other hand, perhaps this is a joke that works better in small quantities. Any character whose dying words are “Tell my wife I love her work ethic” is probably a character better enjoyed for a shorter period of time.

Funniest moment: Both heart attacks are very funny, but the first (non-fatal) one just pips it for the sheer suddenness of it.

2. Caleb, played by Tim Meadows in three episodes in Seasons 5 and 6

Jake is shocked to discover his only friend in maximum security prison is a cannibal (though he would prefer to be identified as a wood-worker), having assumed everyone in protective custody was a wrongly accused police officer. Caleb is surely Brooklyn Nine Nine’s best streak of really, really dark humour – not only did he murder and eat nine and a half people, they were small children too. Every reference he makes to his “nightmare” past is sickly hilarious, and gets worse and worse every time, including a reference to his “skin suit”. But he really does care for Jake, even if he still kind of wants to eat him. The sheer audacity of the black humour surrounding this character is fantastic and always funny.

Funniest moment: Caleb shows that he has a softer side when he saves Jake’s life – but he immediately deeply regrets it and would not do it again.

1. Doug Judy, played by Craig Robinson in multiple episodes (one episode or two-parter per year)

Yes, we carefully defined a recurring character as someone who is either in more than three episodes or who appears more than once a year specifically so that we could include Craig Robinson‘s Doug Judy. It’s our list and we make the rules. There’s something twistedly beautiful about Jake and Doug Judy’s tender but tense friendship, even in the early years when Judy is constantly double-crossing poor Jake. The two of them have perfect comic chemistry, and each running gag in their friendship, especially their fondness for swaggering out in a new outfit or disguise, just gets funnier and funnier. Long may Doug Judy continue to turn up roughly once every twelve months to harass his long suffering best friend.

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Funniest moment: Having escaped yet again, Doug Judy leaves Jake a pre-recorded message in a karaoke booth – complete with a full hour of pre-recorded singing for Jake to duet with.

The post Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s Funniest Guest Cast Characters appeared first on Den of Geek.

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