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tomhiddlestonfanfic · 2 years

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He Loves Me Not Chapter Nineteen

Ch.1 - Ch.2 - Ch.3 - Ch.4 - Ch.5 - Ch.6 - Ch.7 - Ch.8 - Ch.9 - Ch.10 - Ch.11 - Ch.12 - Ch.13 - Ch.14 - Ch.15 - Ch. 16 - Ch. 17 - Ch.18

Summary & Chapter Index

TITLE: He Loves Me Not

CHAPTER NUMBER/ONE SHOT: 19/?? WHICH TOM/CHARACTER: Actor Tom OTHER CHARACTERS: Benedict Cumberbatch PAIRING: Tom Hiddleston/OFC GENRE: Hurt/Comfort, Drama, Romance, Teen Angst, Coming of age

FIC SUMMARY: Norah is a troubled teenager who is secretly and obsessively in love with her sister Sarah’s boyfriend, Tom. Sarah constantly worries about her younger sister, who is struggling with depression and anxiety, and one night, after a long evening at a charity event, Tom decides that he has had quite enough of Norah’s at times reckless and what could be considered rather selfish behaviour. He reveals a new side of himself as he desperately tries to help Norah break her vicious circle of self-destruction and open her eyes to the beautiful things in life. Could he be Norah’s knight in shining armor? Or will his efforts prove to be all in vain? Is his mere presence actually doing more harm than good? Could he ever love her the way she loves him?

WARNINGS: This story contains potentially triggering subjects such as Depression, Anxiety, Self-Harm, Self-Destruction, Eating Disorders, Talk About Suicide and Suicidal Ideation. It also deals with the subject of Grief and contains Previous Character Deaths. Other potentially upsetting subjects this story contains are Spanking Fantasies, Sexual Fantasies, Masturbation, Dirty Talk, Age Difference and Age Play.

If you are having a hard time and think that stories containing any of those subjects might have a negative effect on your wellbeing, I advise against reading it and wish you the best of luck. Please, take care of yourself.

CHAPTER NINETEEN Happy New Year

Norah sat by her desk in her room and gazed at the winter darkness outside her window. She was humming along to a song playing on her computer and smiled to herself as she thought about how much she could relate to the lyrics of the song.

“I have my books, and my poetry to protect me,” Norah sang along to the song and smilingly glanced over at the books and notebooks on her desk. “I am shielded in my armour. Hiding in my room, safe within my womb. I touch no one and no one touches me. I am a rock, I am an island.” Her smile faded a bit as she mouthed the last words of the song: “And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.”

A strong feeling of melancholy came over Norah and she sighed heavily. She picked up the notebook she had gotten from Riko and opened it. She flipped through the pages until she found what she was looking for. There was a list of things she could do to feel better when she was feeling down. Norah had been inspired by the many lists Lucy from the hospital had written in her diary and had decided to make her own.

The title of the page was ‘Self-care’ and Norah skimmed through the list of activities until she decided to try to ease her anxiety by making herself a cup of tea. She walked downstairs to the kitchen to find Sarah by the stove making dinner. The older sister turned around and smiled at Norah.

“How’s it going?” Sarah asked and Norah shrugged. Tears filled her eyes as she thought about how lonely she really was. The few friends she was on a speaking basis with were all living too far away from her for her to be able to see them in real life. Even though she was chatting with them on an almost daily basis, she felt lonely.

“I’m just tired, that’s all,” Norah replied and turned to leave the kitchen.

“I’m sorry you’re tired, Norah,” Sarah said and put a hand on Norah’s shoulder, stopping her from walking away. “You know I’m right here if you need me, right? You don’t have to tell me what’s up if you don’t want to. Just know that I’m here.” The older sister proceeded to hug her little sister from behind and pecked her on the cheek. “I love you so much, Norah.”

“I love you too,” Norah replied as tears rolled down her face. She wiped them away and sighed heavily. Her anxiety made her feel like she wasn’t getting enough oxygen. She shut her eyes and focused on breathing in deeply through her nose and out through her mouth, just like Sarah had taught her.

“Perhaps we could watch a movie while we eat dinner?” Sarah suggested after a moment of silence between them. Norah nodded wordlessly in agreement. She didn’t really feel like eating, but knew better than to refuse. She was simply too tired to try to argue with her sister about something she knew she had to do in order to stay away from the treatment facility her new doctor had suggested she should be admitted to. The mere thought of it scared Norah. She didn’t want to lose her freedom and have to live somewhere with strangers and having people watching her to make sure she ate and took care of herself.

“Okay,” Norah agreed and wiped away the remaining tears on her cheeks. “Let’s watch something.”

The two sisters watched a criminal series while having dinner. Norah glanced over at Sarah who was immersed by the TV show and couldn’t help but smile. Even though life felt lonely at times, her sister was always there for her when she needed her the most. Lucy had been right when she had claimed that Norah was lucky to have someone fight for her the way Sarah did. She could have just agreed with the doctor that Norah was unfit to live at home and needed to be cared for at a treatment home, but she hadn’t. Instead Sarah had asked Norah about what she wanted, and then convinced the doctor to give Norah one last chance to prove that she could handle living at home without professional care.

While Tom was abroad filming the Hank Williams biographical movie, Sarah and Norah had become better at being around each other without arguing as much. During some of their video chats, Tom still sometimes assumed the role of a mediator between the two sisters. But he didn’t have to do that as often as he used to, because the two sisters had learnt to better their communication with the help of a therapist. At her own initiative, Norah had also stepped up and begun to help out with the chores to a larger extent than before. Recently, she had even begun to help out with planning and cooking their meals. Sarah was delighted about the change, and generally seemed more happy and less stressed out than before. Norah was also making progress in school with distance studying from home.

Tom mostly had video chats with Sarah, but Norah was often invited to join them. Every now and then, Tom requested to speak with Norah alone. She appreciated and looked forward to their little chats. He showed a great interest in what was going on in her life and encouraged her to keep up the good work. He often expressed that he was proud of her and how far she had come, so Norah often felt invigorated after talking to him.

Norah looked forward to Tom coming back home again, but at the same time she was nervous. When they had been apart, it had been easier for Norah to deal with her feelings for Tom and tell herself that she wasn’t really in love with him. But she knew from experience that it would get a lot harder when he was standing right in front of her to convince herself that it was merely a crush she had on him and not real love. She was well aware that it was unlikely that Tom would have such feelings for her and act upon them. After all, he was very much in love with her big sister and their relationship had gotten even more serious now that they owned the house together.

A few days after Christmas before new year’s eve, Tom came back home. Wanting to give the couple some privacy, Norah stayed at home when Sarah went to pick him up at the airport. Norah sat on a yoga mat on her bedroom floor and meditated when she heard the door open downstairs. She smiled at the sound of her sister and Tom talking to each other downstairs; they both sounded so happy and excited to finally be together again. Norah remained seated on the brand new yoga mat and kept her eyes shut. She was focusing on her breathing and visualised the waves in the ocean going in and out on the shore. It was really soothing and was something that her friend Lucy had recommended she should try. Sarah had gladly bought Norah the yoga mat for Christmas after having lent out her own mat to her little sister for the last couple of weeks.

Norah was startled by the sound of someone knocking on her door frame and looked up to see Tom smiling widely at her.

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you,” Tom said apologetically.

“That’s okay,” Norah assured him as she got up from the floor. She felt a bit lightheaded as she stood up too quickly and grabbed the bedframe to regain her balance.

“Are you okay?” Tom asked concernedly and she nodded.

“I just got up too quickly,” Norah explained and felt her cheeks grow warm as she was struck by how beautiful Tom looked. Had he always looked as radiant as he did now? How would she ever be able to make herself fall out of love with someone as attractive as him?

“I see,” Tom replied. “It sucks when that happens.”

“It sure does,” Norah agreed as she was starting to regain her balance.

“Were you meditating?” Tom asked gleefully and Norah shrugged in response. She felt self-conscious for some reason, having been thrown off guard by Tom’s arrival like that. “Sarah mentioned that you’ve started meditating and practising yoga. I think that’s great.”

“Lucy told me that it might help me get a more positive view of my own body,” Norah explained. “She told me that people who focus on their bodies’ functionality have a more positive view of their bodies than people who don’t.”

“Lucy sounds like a wise person,” Tom said. “Is she the woman you met in the hospital?”

“Yeah, that’s her,” Norah confirmed. “She’s really smart, you know. She knows a lot about psychology and tries to use her knowledge to help herself as well as others going through a hard time. I really like her.”

“That’s great, Norah. I’m so glad you’ve made new friends and that you talk about important things with them,” Tom said. “Do you mind if I come inside?”

“Be my guest,” Norah said, sitting down on her bed as Tom pulled out the chair by her desk and sat down facing her.

“I’ve missed you a lot,” Tom revealed and Norah blushed. He seemed so at ease and relaxed, whereas she felt tense and awkward.

“I’ve missed you too,” she replied after a moment’s silence.

“I’m pleased to hear that,” Tom said with a warm smile. “I have some Christmas gifts for you downstairs,” he added.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” Norah told him and walked up to her desk where she pulled out a gift wrapped folder and handed it to him. “I made a gift for you too, but it’s really nothing special,” she said self-consciously. “You asked me to write you something, so I did.”

“You wrote me something?” Tom asked eagerly and his face lit up with excitement as he accepted the gift. “Can I open it now?” he wondered and Norah nodded before walking back to her bed. She watched in silence as Tom removed the gift wrapping and opened up the beige folder she had carefully picked out for him at the bookstore. She forgot to breathe as she watched him read the title of her essay. Tom’s eyes watered a little and he looked genuinely happily surprised and moved by her subject of choice. He got up from his seat and approached her. “This is the greatest gift you ever could have given me, Norah. I can’t wait to read it,” he said devoutly. “Can I give you a hug?”

Norah felt her heart beat faster as she stood up and let Tom embrace her. She hugged him back and felt her own eyes fill with tears to match his. She was truly moved by his heartfelt response to her gift. She had never expected that he would get so happy over something she had written, especially not from only reading the title.

“Should we head downstairs before Sarah comes looking for us?” Tom suggested.

“Sure,” Norah agreed with a smile as she blinked away the tears in her eyes.

After walking downstairs with Tom, Norah smiled upon the sight of her sister sitting in an armchair by the open fireplace reading from an old worn copy of Charles Dickens’s ‘A Christmas Carol’. It used to be a family tradition of theirs when they were kids. Sarah used to read the story for Norah and their parents as they all sat gathered by the fireplace around Christmas. They used to split up the reading of the book over a few evenings since it took a few hours to read. But just like many other traditions they used to have, that one had been abandoned after their parents died in the car crash. Norah hadn’t seen the book in years and was genuinely surprised to find Sarah looking at it fondly.

Sarah must have sensed their presence, because she looked up from the book with a big smile as they proceeded to enter the living room.

“Do you remember this?” Sarah asked Norah and held out the book towards her. Norah took the book in her hands and held it carefully as though it was something very frail and valuable.

“How could I forget?” she said quietly and tears filled her eyes as she handed the book back to her sister. “Could you read it?” she requested. “Just like old times?”

“If you want me to,” Sarah replied and Norah nodded at her. The younger sister proceeded to grab a pillow from the sofa and sat down on it on the floor near the fireplace, just like she used to do as a kid. Tom followed her example and they both looked up at Sarah who began to read the book for them.

The three of them sat gathered for a little less than an hour before Sarah decided it was time to take a break. She needed to get started on the food.

“I’ll help,” Norah offered and couldn’t help but notice the way Tom was looking at her. He seemed very pleased to hear her offering to help her sister with the food. It was a great contrast to how it used to be back when Norah refused to go near the kitchen unless she was explicitly asked to. She used to carefully avoid the kitchen out of fear that she would lose control over herself and start binge eating all her ‘forbidden foods’. At some point, Norah had even been scared to feel the smell of food, fearing that she would somehow ingest calories through her nose by merely smelling it. She had never told anyone about this, but suspected that Tom could tell the difference in her approach to the kitchen between then and now.

Norah had finally begun to actually enjoy cooking food. It had become a nice moment she shared with her sister where they both worked with a common goal in mind; to make something edible. Tom decided to help out with making the food as well and together the three of them created a vegan tofu stew with rice that they all seemed to enjoy. As they worked in the kitchen, Tom observed the two sisters’ interactions with each other and was very pleased to see how much things had changed while he had been away.

They were having an unusually pleasant dinner together, completely free of conflict over how much Norah should or should not eat and drink. She had even put the food on her plate herself and decided how much she should eat, which was something she hadn’t been allowed to do in a long time due to her strict eating schedule.

After they had cleared the table, put the leftovers in the fridge and done the dishes together, the three of them went back into the living room. Norah noticed that there were several new gifts underneath the Christmas tree and smiled as it reminded her of the excitement she would feel as a child when her father came home from a shopping spree around Christmas time. He could be very spontaneous at times and buy the most wonderful and sometimes odd gifts for his wife and children.

“Do you remember that time when dad bought you a real stuffed fox because he knew you liked foxes?” Norah asked her sister. Sarah grimaced in response to the memory and shook her head smilingly.

“It was the worst gift he ever got me. I loved live animals, why would he think I would want a dead fox staring at me?” Sarah said and laughed.

“What happened to the fox? Did you throw it away?” Tom asked.

“We buried it in the woods,” Sarah explained and smiled fondly at the memory. “Dad brought his violin and solemnly played Bach while we covered its body with flowers and dirt. The ground was frozen, so we only managed to give it a shallow grave.”

“It sounds like your father was very devoted,” Tom reflected. Sarah and Norah both nodded agreeingly at him.

“He was the best,” Sarah said with a smile. “Some people found him odd because he could be very impulsive at times, but I loved that about him. His spontaneousness and straightforwardness made him very exciting to be around. Life was never boring around him.”

Norah smiled sadly at her sister’s spot on description of their father. She really missed him. Everything about him, even the less fun parts about him. He would sometimes get drunk and apologise to them for being such a mess. And it happened every now and then that he would disappear for days without a word of assurance to his children or wife. At some occasions, he would be away from his family for weeks at a time. Sometimes even months. Norah had never quite understood the circumstances under which her father had been away for long periods at time. Her mother would just say that he was having a break, that sensitive people like her dad sometimes needed to take breaks from things in life, even their loved ones.

“I really admire my mother for the way she handled it all with dad. She often had to put out fires after his escapades, but she remained devoted to him through it all,” Sarah told Tom who nodded understandingly. Norah frowned at her sister’s words. She had never really thought of it that way. She had often been upset with her mother as a child for complaining too much about her dad’s at times misguided actions. She had always admired her dad and never quite understood why her mother would be so hard on him at times. Now that she could see it all through a different perspective, Norah felt bad for giving her mother a hard time and always siding with her father during conflicts.

“I never thought of it that way,” Norah said sadly.

“Of course you didn’t, you were only a child,” Sarah said and put an arm around Norah’s shoulders. “You really admired dad, and he admired you. He and mom both wanted to protect you from what was really going on with his mental health.”

“His mental health? Was he depressed?” Norah asked confusedly. She hadn't really thought of her dad as mentally ill.

"Sometimes he got really depressed, especially after manic episodes," Sarah explained.

"Manic episodes?" Norah questioned. "Was he bipolar?"

"He was," Sarah confirmed and Norah felt her heart sink. How could she not have found out the truth about her father's health until now?

"Why didn't anyone tell me?!" Norah questioned angrily and stepped away from her sister. "How come you kept me in the dark for all those years?!"

"Because I wanted to protect you," Sarah tried to explain.

"From what? The truth?" Norah scoffed. "Do you even realise what you have done?! Don't you get how much the truth could have helped me through all these years of torture?!"

"I was just trying to do what I thought would be best for you," Sarah replied and looked pleadingly at her sister. "Please, try to understand."

“I’m so sick and tired of having you making decisions for me!” Norah yelled. “I’m not a child anymore! You should have told me about dad’s condition years ago! It would have been a great comfort to know that I’m not the only one in the family suffering from mental illness.”

“I’m sorry, Norah. I really am,” Sarah said calmly. “You’re right, I should have told you about this sooner,” she agreed. Norah felt the anger wash right off her at hearing her sister apologise in such a heartfelt way.

“Yeah, you should have,” Norah said and looked at her sister sadly. “I’m tired of being treated like I’m too sensitive to learn about the truth. It feels like I’m always the last one to find out about what’s going on whenever something happens.”

“I understand why you feel like that,” Sarah replied with a sad expression. “I do tend to keep sad news from you for as long as possible, even though you’re the strongest person I know. It just feels like you have a lot on your plate and I don’t want to add even more to it.”

“Funny you should use that metaphor,” Norah remarked with a smile. Sarah smiled back at her and laughed a little.

“Yeah, it’s a bit ironic,” she agreed. “Are we good?”

“We’re okay,” Norah replied. She felt more at ease now that her sister had been validating her feelings, rather than acting like Norah was overreacting. It was something their therapist had stressed the importance of when it came to communicating.

“Perhaps it’s time to open up the Christmas gifts?” Tom suggested with a smile. He seemed very pleased that the conflict between the sisters had been sorted out without his interference.

“Sure,” Sarah agreed with a smile and knelt down in front of the gifts underneath the Christmas tree. She picked up a gift and read the label. “Merry Christmas Norah from Tom.”

“Thank you, Tom,” Norah said as she removed the gift wrap from a cardboard box. It contained a pair of black boots. She looked up at Tom with a smile from her seat on the floor.

“I thought you needed some proper boots that are at least a little more water resistant than your Converse,” Tom explained.

“Thank you. I really appreciate it,” Norah told him as Sarah handed her another box the same size as the first one. “More shoes?” she asked amusedly and opened the box. It contained a nice pair of running shoes.

“I was thinking that you and I could go out for a run every now and then, now that you’re allowed to exercise again,” Tom said. “I think you really have the potential to become a great runner, if you want to. You’re really fast at short distances.”

“Thank you. I would like that,” Norah replied with a smile and got up from the floor to hug him. Tom pulled her into his warm embrace and she felt the pleasant scent of his cologne. She still felt a strong attraction towards Tom and pretty much everything about him. He was so kind, thoughtful and caring. “I have some more gifts for you,” he told her.

“You shouldn’t have,” Norah replied as Sarah handed her another gift from Tom.

“I wanted to,” Tom insisted and smiled warmly as he made eye contact with Sarah who had proceeded to open her own gifts from him. She was holding a book and smiled brightly at him.

“You really are the best boyfriend in the world,” she said gleefully and motioned to the pile of psychology books on the floor.

“Is that course literature?” Norah asked with a frown.

“It sure is!” Sarah replied excitedly as she stood up and kissed Tom, wrapping her arms around him. He laughed as he kissed her back. “Thank you so much.”

“You’re such a nerd, Sarah,” Norah laughed.

“Once you study at the university, you’ll understand why I get so happy over not having to buy all my course literature myself. Some books are ridiculously expensive,” Sarah explained.

“Do you really think I’ll study at the university some day?” Norah asked surprisedly. She had never really considered it, seeing as she still hadn’t finished her GCSE.

“If you want to, that is,” Sarah replied. “You’re really smart, Norah. I think the university would be a great place for you to challenge yourself and make new friends.”

“Smart? You’re kidding me, right? I’m dumb as a bag of rocks,” Norah objected.

“No, you’re not,” Tom and Sarah said in unison.

“You’re doing great in school now that you’re putting your mind into it,” Sarah told her. “You’ve always been intelligent, Norah. You’ve always had it in you. You’ve just lacked the focus and motivation to do your school work properly, because you’ve had so many other things on your mind.”

“Do you really think so?” Norah asked and felt moved by how she had just been called intelligent by her smart and overachieving sister.

“I know so,” Sarah replied confidently.

“Thank you, Sarah,” Norah said sincerely. “It means a lot coming from you.”

“There’s no need to thank me, darling. I’m just sorry for not letting you know how bright you are more often, rather than telling you to suck it up and just do your homework. That’s not what you needed to hear when doubting yourself,” Sarah said apologetically. “You have so much potential, Norah, and it brings me great pleasure to watch you use it.”

Norah blushed at her sister’s words and looked down at the gift in her hands. Tom had bought her a wireless headset.

“You can’t break them by pulling them out by the cord, because there is none,” Tom explained with a wink, causing Norah to laugh.

“That was very thoughtful of you. Thank you,” she said.

“Would you mind if I sat down and read your gift right now?” Tom asked eagerly.

“Be my guest,” Norah replied.

“What did she get you?” Sarah asked curiously as Tom picked up the beige folder of papers.

“She wrote me an essay on how Hamlet fulfils the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder,” Tom said excitedly. Sarah’s face lit up with joy, matching her boyfriend's expression.

“She did?” Sarah asked with a grin. “That’s amazing! I would love to read it, if I may,” she said and looked expectantly at Norah.

“If you want to,” Norah granted, feeling kind of proud of herself for writing the essay. “But I can’t promise you it’s good,” she added, feeling a bit embarrassed by the positive attention she was getting.

The days passed by quickly now that Tom was back home again, and before she knew it, Norah found herself standing in front of her full body mirror at new year’s eve, getting ready to celebrate the arrival of the new year. They had all been invited to join Sophie and Benedict’s new year’s eve celebration at their house. Norah bit her lower lip hard as she studied herself in the mirror. Her thighs were thicker than she wanted them to be, but there still was a gap between them. Her eyes filled with tears as she went on to inspect her abdomen; it wasn’t as flat as it used to be. She felt swollen and big as she frustratedly punched herself on her hips and stomach repeatedly. The pain was somewhat soothing and she felt a bit better after seeing the red marks form on her pale skin.

“You fat, ugly bitch,” Norah muttered to her own mirror image. She felt sick to her stomach as she took in the sight of her own body. Since she had been gaining weight, she had carefully avoided looking at herself as closely as she did now. Now she went over every part of her body. Her ribs were still slightly visible through her skin when she turned to look at her back, but they were not as visible as they used to be months ago. She was no longer underweight enough to fulfil the diagnostic criteria for anorexia nervosa. She felt like such a failure where she stood in her bedroom in her underwear and cried. “I hate you, you fat cow!” she spat at the girl in the mirror and picked up a glass from her desk and threw it at the full body mirror. It broke.

Norah bent down and picked up a piece of broken glass from the floor and cut herself with it on her stomach. She carved in the word FAILURE with capital letters across the lower part of her stomach before letting the bloody piece of glass fall to the floor.

Suddenly, there was a knock on her bedroom door and she was relieved that she had made sure to lock it before getting changed.

“Norah? Are you okay in there?” Sarah asked from the other side of the door.

“I’m okay,” Norah said after clearing her throat.

“What was that sound? It sounded like something broke. Was that you?” Sarah wondered.

“I accidentally broke my mirror,” Norah replied as she hurriedly grabbed her morning gown and put it on. She picked up the bloody pieces of glass on the floor and pocketed them.

“Oh, I see. Be careful not to hurt yourself. I’ll get the vacuum cleaner,” Sarah told her before walking off. Norah sighed as she tried to gather the pieces of glass into a pile. She had just managed to cut herself on the fingertips when there was another knock on the door. “Can you let me in so I can help you clean up?” Sarah requested.

“I’m not dressed yet,” Norah objected. “I’ll clean it up myself.”

“Alright then. I’m leaving the vacuum cleaner outside your door,” Sarah informed her before leaving.

Norah quickly unlocked the door, pulled in the vacuum cleaner into her room and then quickly locked the door again. She quickly cleaned up her mess and put on bandaids where she had cut herself. Then she quickly got dressed in a pair of black pants, a white top and a white dress shirt that still fit her. She then proceeded to put on makeup and brush her long brown hair. She looked at herself in what was left of the mirror and frowned.

“There needs to be less of me,” Norah mumbled to herself and grabbed a pair of scissors from her desk. “You take up too much space,” she spat at the broken mirror image before proceeding to cut off her long hair. Once she was done cutting her hair, Norah felt numb. She picked up the hair from the floor and threw it into the trash can by her desk with the pieces of broken glass in it.

“Norah? Are you done yet?” she heard Sarah call from a distance.

“I’ll be right down!” Norah called back as she glared at her own mirror image. She looked different now that her hair was short instead of long. With a deep sigh, Norah unlocked her bedroom door and went downstairs to where Sarah and Tom were waiting for her.

Tom was the first to look up at her and notice the unexpected change. He appeared surprised and puzzled as he looked at her.

“Norah, your hair…” he began to say, but Sarah interrupted him.

“Your hair looks great!” Sarah exclaimed with a big smile and walked up to embrace Norah.

“Thank you,” Norah mumbled confusedly. That was not the kind of reaction she had expected from her sister.

“It’s just a little bit uneven in some places, but I can help you with that,” Sarah said and walked with Norah into the kitchen and pulled out a chair for her to sit on. “S’asseoir, mademoiselle,” she said with a smile. Norah sat down in the chair and glanced over at Tom who was standing in the door opening to the kitchen. He was silently watching as Sarah tried to save Norah’s hair from looking like a mess. “The bangs and short hair really bring out your cheekbones,” Sarah complimented as she heedfully cut the hair into a less chaotic and uneven hairstyle.

“Are you okay, Norah?” Tom asked concernedly.

“I’m fine,” Norah mumbled and turned away from him. She felt strangely numb as she sat there on the chair and stared blankly out the window.

“Perhaps we should stay at home,” she heard Tom suggest to Sarah in a low voice.

“Norah. Are you okay with going to the new year’s party? We can always leave early if you’re not feeling up to it,” Sarah said.

“I’m okay,” Norah replied. She felt empty inside as she sat there staring at the sky outside the window. “As a matter of fact, I’m feeling great,” she added in an unexpectedly cheerful note.

“Are you being sarcastic?” Tom asked her with a concerned frown.

“No, I just feel really great,” Norah told him and even managed to smile at him. She really didn't feel happy at all, but it was as if it didn’t really matter anymore. Nothing really mattered anymore. She had failed. She was born a failure and that would never change no matter how hard she tried.

“She says she’s good to go,” Sarah told Tom who seemed bothered by Norah’s behaviour.

“Fine then,” Tom said with a sigh. “Just make sure to let us know if you want to go home. I know you don't like gatherings.”

“Are you anxious about going, Norah? Would you like a Xanax before we leave?” Sarah wondered.

“Sure,” Norah replied. “Thanks for fixing my hair,” she added before she swallowed down the pill with a sip of water.

“No problem,” Sarah said with a smile. “But next time you want to cut your hair, I suggest you should let a hairdresser do it for you.”

“Sure,” Norah replied and forced a smile. She turned to look at Tom who still seemed somewhat bothered. “Cheer up, Tommy H. It’s New Year’s eve!” she told him humorously. In response to this, Tom returned her smile and pulled her into a hug.

“Keep in mind that we can leave whenever you like if you start to feel anxious,” Tom told her. “You don’t have to pretend to be happy just because it’s New Year’s eve, Norah. It’s okay to not feel well no matter what time of year it is.”

“Thank you,” Norah said but kept smiling even though she felt broken inside.

They went to the party at Sophie and Benedict’s house to find that it was quite crowded with people.

“Welcome Norah, your hair looks great,” Sophie greeted Norah with a big smile and a quick hug.

“Thank you,” Norah replied as Benedict walked up to her. He pulled her into a warm hug and told her that she looked a bit like the main character in a french movie called ‘Le fabuleux destin d’Amélie Poulain’.

“Ici, mademoiselle Collins,” Benedict said as he took her by the hand and led her inside the house. “Voulez-vous quelque chose à boire?” he asked and motioned to a table full of drinks.

“Vin blanc, s’il vous plaît," Norah replied.

“Bien sûr!” Benedict replied and grabbed one of the wine glasses and handed it to her. ”Un verre du vin blanc sans alcool pour vous, jeune fille.”

“But I’m pretty much a grown up,” Norah objected.

“If it was only up to me, I might have let you have a drink or two. But Sarah has strictly forbidden me to give you any alcohol before you’re old enough to get it yourself,” Benedict explained.

“I knew how to get alcohol for myself at the age of twelve,” Norah remarked and Benedict raised an eyebrow at her.

“I’m pretty sure she meant when you can get it legally,” he replied.

“Merde,” Norah cursed and took a sip from the alcohol free wine. It tasted better than she had expected.

“Language, young lady,” Benedict said with a hint of amusement in his voice. “There are some people your age upstairs if you would like to join them.”

“I think I’m good,” Norah mumbled.

“Come on, Norah. Don’t be shy. I’ll introduce you to them,” Benedict said and grabbed her by the hand again, pulling her with him. Reluctantly, Norah followed him upstairs and into a large bedroom. There were four teenagers sitting on the fluffy floor carpet playing cards. “Guys, this is Norah Collins, make her feel welcome,” he said before quickly leaving the room.

“Um, hi,” Norah said awkwardly as she remained by the door opening. She was about to turn and leave when one of the girls stood up and walked over to her. She held out her hand towards Norah and they shook hands.

“It’s nice to meet you Norah. I’m Lacey,” the blonde girl said and smiled warmly at her.

“It’s nice to meet you too,” Norah replied.

The other teenagers introduced themselves too and invited her to join them for a game of cards. It didn’t take long until she was offered some alcohol by one of the guys. He had brought a big cola bottle with rum and cola in it. Norah grimaced slightly after tasting the strong drink, suspecting that there was more rum than cola in the bottle.

It didn’t take long for Norah to start feeling a bit drunk after ingesting the alcohol. She was actually starting to enjoy herself when there was a knock on the door. The door opened and her eyes widened with surprise as she recognised the actor standing in front of them. It was Andrew Scott, the man who played Moriarty in the Sherlock Holmes series.

“Hello young people. Nice to meet you all. I’m Andrew and I’m just here to tell you that dinner’s ready. Just come downstairs whenever you like,” he said with a smile. He was about to turn around and leave when the girl called Amanda burst into a fit of laughter. Norah bit her lip to suppress her own laughter as Lacey put her hand over Amanda’s mouth to stop her from laughing. “What’s so funny?” Andrew asked, raising an eyebrow at them.

“I thought you were my dad,” Amanda explained after moving Lacey’s hand from her mouth. “He would kill me if he found out!”

“Found out what? That you are drinking alcohol?” Andrew questioned amusedly. “Don’t think you’re fooling anyone with that cola bottle, young man,” he said to the guy named Will. “And the way you girls are all blushing and giggling is a dead giveaway. I’m sorry guys, but you’ve been busted.”

“You won’t tell anyone, will you?” Lacey asked pleadingly.

“I won’t have to,” Andrew pointed out and laughed. “I promise I won’t tell anyone, though. Kids will be kids and all that.”

“We’re not kids!” the guy called Trevor objected irritably, seemingly offended by Andrew’s choice of words.

“Nor are you grownups,” Andrew pointed out. “Just take care of each other and don’t drink too much, okay? I won’t tell anyone about your little secret, but I’ll keep my eyes on you,” he said before leaving them alone again.

“So who’s hungry?” Will asked and got up from the floor.

“I am,” Trevor replied and got up too. Amanda did the same.

“How about you, Norah?” Lacey asked.

“I’m not hungry,” Norah told her.

“Me neither,” Lacey agreed.

“Oh, come on girls. I don’t want to be the only girl eating,” Amanda told them.

“Fine, we’ll come with you,” Lacey agreed and smiled at Norah. “Right?”

“Okay,” Norah said and reluctantly got up from the floor. Her head was spinning and her vision went black for a brief moment. “Fuck,” she muttered to herself as she began to feel sick.

“Are you alright?” Amanda asked concernedly.

“I’m fine,” Norah was quick to assure her. Her vision was slowly coming back and she managed to hold down the vomit threatening to come out.

“Are you dizzy?” Lacey asked concernedly. “Perhaps you should eat something,” she suggested.

“I’ll be fine,” Norah insisted. “Where’s the toilet?”

“I’ll show you,” Lacey offered and grabbed Norah by the hand. Luckily the upstairs bathroom was unoccupied when they got there. Norah quickly locked the door behind her and threw up in the toilet while Lacey was waiting outside. She threw up a lot before starting to feel better. Norah found some mouthwash in the bathroom cabinet and rinsed her mouth with it before leaving the bathroom.

“Are you okay?” Lacey asked.

“I’m better now,” Norah replied with a weak smile.

“Would you like some chewing gum?” Lacey offered and held out a gum package for her.

“Sure,” Norah replied and took a gum from the bag. It tasted of mint and was much preferable compared to the taste of vomit mixed with mouthwash. “Thank you,” she said appreciatively.

“No problem,” Lacey said and they went downstairs together. They went into the kitchen where the buffet was. “Let’s grab some food and look for the others,” Lacey suggested and took a plate and cutlery from the kitchen countertop. Norah grabbed a plate too and put some salad on it, just like Lacey did.

“Hi Norah,” Tom said, startling Norah.

“Hi,” Norah replied and bit her lip nervously.

“Who’s your friend?” Tom asked.

“This is Lacey,” Norah told him and turned to look at the blonde girl who was blushing as she stared at Tom. “This is Tom. He’s my sister’s boyfriend.”

“It’s nice to meet you Tom,” Lacey said with a smile and they shook hands.

“The pleasure is all mine,” Tom replied and winked at her. He then turned to Norah. “I’ll see you around. And Norah, don’t forget about what I said before.”

“I won’t,” Norah replied, relieved that he hadn’t realised that she was drunk. She sobered up a bit after throwing up, but was still feeling a bit out of it.

“God. I would die from jealousy if Tom Hiddleston dated my sister, that’s for sure,” Lacey said jokingly, but there was a hint of seriousness in the way she looked at Norah. “How do you handle that?”

“I don’t know,” Norah replied truthfully. She was smiling at Lacey and tried to act unaffected by her question, but inside she felt really sad.

“Did you know who he was before he started dating your sister?” Lacey asked as they left the kitchen with their plates.

“I did. I was wondering why the hell the guy who played Loki was standing in my kitchen,” Norah said honestly and Lacey laughed.

“I see,” Lacey said and smiled when she saw her friends sitting by one of the tables in the spacious living room. Norah followed her to the table and they both sat down next to each other. The table was almost full, when Andrew and another man walked up to them.

“So we meet again,” Andrew said with a smile. “Do you mind if Stephen and I join you? All the other tables are full.”

“Please do,” Lacey replied politely and smiled sweetly at the two men. Norah felt her heart skip a beat as she was struck by how beautiful and attractive Lacey was. There was something about her aura that made Norah feel safe and accepted, like she could be herself around Lacey.

“Darling, are you doing alright?” Andrew asked concernedly. Norah looked up to see that he was looking directly at her.

“Me?” she asked confusedly.

“Yes, you. You look a bit pale. You’re not diabetic or anything are you? Do you need sugar?” he asked and Norah urgently shook her head at him.

“I’m fine,” she insisted.

“If you say so,” Andrew replied, but didn’t look entirely convinced. “Perhaps you should eat something. It’s not good to drink on an empty stomach, you know.”

“Okay,” Norah mumbled in response, feeling a bit awkward about being given advice by someone she really admired. She didn’t know how to deal with his presence, but tried to play it cool and act as though she was unaffected by it. She picked up her fork and ate from the salad. It was good, but her teeth were hurting from all the sugar she had ingested through the wine, rum and cola. She forced herself to swallow and grimaced slightly at the pain in her teeth. She put the fork down on her plate and decided not to eat anything else.

Norah couldn’t help but notice that Lacey hardly ate anything either. She mostly poked around her salad on her plate and had a sip of water every now and then. Norah reflected over Lacey’s thinness and noticed two little red marks on her right hand. They were similar to the marks Norah had gotten on her hand during periods of throwing up a lot.

Andrew continued to be quite sociable during dinner, which made the time pass faster. Even though she barely spoke to him herself, Norah found that she was enjoying his company. He didn’t seem to take himself too seriously, as he was mostly joking about with occasional hints of seriousness to his words. When all the guests had finished dinner and the tables had been cleared of all plates and cutlery, it was finally time for dessert. Neither Norah nor Lacey went up to get any dessert. Instead they remained in their seats while the others around their table were serving themselves at the dessert buffet. Norah looked at Trevor’s overfull plate and assumed that he had taken one of each of the desserts being served.

“Aren’t you having any dessert?” Trevor questioned and looked at the two girls as Amanda and Will sat down with a plate each.

“No, I’m good,” Lacey replied.

“Me too,” Norah agreed.

“So I’m the only girl at the table eating dessert,” Amanda stated dejectedly.

“Why do you say that like it’s a bad thing?” Andrew questioned. “Just look around the room and you’ll see that most women here are in fact eating desserts.”

“Well, you know, Andrew, being a teenage girl isn’t always that easy, considering the unrealistic body ideals of today’s society,” Lacey pointed out. “I’ll get some dessert too if it makes you feel better Amanda,” she said and stood up. “Would you like me to get you something too, Norah?” she offered.

“No thanks,” Norah replied. She was a bit taken aback by how considerate Lacey was of Amanda’s feelings, and found herself admiring her. Once Lacey came back with a piece of strawberry cheesecake she smiled brightly at Amanda before starting to eat from it.

“It’s delicious,” Lacey said gleefully after a bite and smiled as she watched Amanda eat from her key lime pie. “Are you sure you don’t want anything Norah? There were all kinds of desserts there like strawberry cheesecake, vanilla panna cotta, key lime pie, chocolate cake with whipped cream and berries… It’s amazing really. I could eat it all.”

“That’s exactly what I’m doing,” Trevor said with a wide grin.

“Interesting,” Andrew said to Stephen and ate from his own dessert.

“I suppose it’s a girl thing,” Will reflected and shared a look with Trevor.

“Yeah, girls are weird,” Trevor replied.

“No, we’re not weird,” Lacey said insistently. “I already told you, it has to do with unrealistic body ideals.”

“I see,” Andrew said and made eye contact with the blonde girl. “I’m sorry about the unrealistic body ideals,” he told her sincerely.

“Thank you for acknowledging that they exist. I appreciate that,” Lacey replied with a smile. “I’ll be right back,” she excused herself from the table. Norah felt uneasy as she suspected what Lacey would do next. She probably would find a toilet to throw up in in privacy and then come back with that perfect smile on her face and act like nothing had just happened.

“Your name is Norah, right?” Andrew asked, causing her to look at him.

“Um, yeah,” she replied.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Norah? You seem like there’s something bothering you,” Andrew said.

“I’m okay,” Norah said. “It’s just that…” she trailed off, not knowing quite what to say.

“Please continue,” Andrew encouraged her.

“It feels like most social interactions are just sort of like playing this game of putting on a mask and pretending to be fine when you’re really not. When people ask you how you’re doing they really don’t want to know how you feel, they just want to hear that you’re fine and talk about superficial things rather than addressing the existential anxiety we all carry inside of us,” Norah explained.

“Oh, I like her,” Stephen suddenly said. He had been sitting in silence most of the time he had spent in their company, so no one really expected that from him.

“Me too,” Andrew agreed and turned back to Norah. “What you’re saying, Norah is something really important and meaningful. I agree with you, that we should be able to be more open about the hardships of life. And of course talk about the existential crisis we find ourselves in every now and then. But far from everyone is feeling up to having such important discussions, especially not at parties which function as an escapism from everyday worries.”

“You’re right,” Norah replied. “People want to get shitfaced and have fun at new year’s eve, not have important discussions about the meaning of life.”

“Yeah, that pretty much applies to most people here,” Andrew said with a shrug.

“Not us, though,” Stephen interjected, causing Norah and Andrew to smile.

“No, definitely not us,” Andrew agreed.

“Norah, are you clinically depressed or something?” Will asked curiously.

“As a matter of fact I am,” Norah replied honestly and couldn’t help but laugh at his straightforwardness.

“I figured that much,” Will replied and sighed heavily, as though the news saddened him greatly. “I’m sorry you’re in pain, Norah. Perhaps we could try to make the best of this evening and try to have it fun despite the depression.”

“Depression? Who’s depressed?” Lacey asked as she reached the table and sat down next to Norah.

“Norah, apparently,” Trevor replied, causing Norah to dejectedly cover her face with her hands. She hadn’t really meant to turn her depression into an official statement.

“Oh no, I’m sorry you’re depressed, Norah. Just let me know if I can do anything for you,” Lacey said, placing an arm around Norah’s shoulders, pulling her into a half-hug.

“Thank you,” Norah said appreciatively, feeling embarrassed by the whole thing.

“Should we try to have some fun?” Will suggested, causing Lacey to smile brightly at him.

“We sure should, it’s new year’s eve after all,” Lacey agreed and glanced down at her phone. “It’s only 2015 for another three hours,” she said.

“So it’s time to get shitfaced?” Trevor asked, causing Andrew to clear his throat disapprovingly. “It’s Norah’s words, not mine,” the teenager defended himself.

“YOLO,” Will said humorously.

“What does that stand for?” Stephen asked Andrew.

“You only live once,” Andrew explained. “It’s sort of today’s youth’s way of saying carpe diem.”

“I see. It sounds like an excuse to do things you really shouldn’t be doing,” Stephen reflected.

“That’s exactly what it is,” Trevor said with a grin and got up from his seat. “See you guys upstairs in like ten minutes?” he suggested.

“Sure thing,” Lacey replied.

“Sure,” Amanda agreed.

“See you then,” Will said.

“You’re coming too, aren’t you?” Lacey asked Norah.

“Sure,” Norah agreed. She really couldn’t think of anything better to do.

“Just take care of each other, will you?” Andrew reminded them.

“Of course we will,” Lacey assured him and put an arm around Norah’s shoulders. Norah smiled and rested her head against Lacey’s shoulder.

“If you want to talk some time,” Andrew said, pulling out a card from his pocket and handing it to Norah. “I’m just a phone call away.”

“Are you sure?” Norah questioned, looking up at him in awe.

“I’m sure. Make sure to take care of yourselves now,” Andrew said before leaving the table with Stephen.

“Did he give you his number?” Amanda asked incredulously. “That was really nice of him.”

“Yeah, it was,” Norah agreed and looked down at the card that had a handwritten number on it. “I probably won’t call him, though. I wouldn’t want to bother him.”

“He didn’t seem at all bothered by you,” Amanda pointed out.

“I agree, you really made an impression on him with your talk about existential anxiety,” Will said.

“Sounds deep,” Lacey commented. “I’m sorry I missed it.”

“It was nothing really, I was just venting about how we’re all wearing masks to hide how we’re really feeling from each other,” Norah replied.

“I like that,” Lacey said with a smile. “You’re a thinker.”

“Let’s find something to drink,” Will suggested and Lacey grinned mischievously at him.

“Okay,” she agreed. The four of them got up from the table and split into two couples in their search for alcohol.

“Let’s look in the basement. There’s a wine cellar down there,” Lacey suggested.

“How come you know that?” Norah wondered.

“My father helped build it and he’s helped out with renovating this house,” Lacey said.

“I see.”

The two girls went down the stairs to the basement.

“Here’s the wine cellar, and over there is their sauna and bubble pool,” Lacey said before she went and got a bottle of wine.

“Should we really do this?” Norah questioned, feeling bad for stealing from Sophie and Benedict.

“Don’t be alarmed, it’s one of their cheaper wines,” Lacey assured her as she put the bottle in her navy blue Michael Kors bag.

“Good, then I can pay for the wine later,” Norah said.

“You’re so conscientious,” Lacey smiled and gently stroked Norah’s cheek. “I think it’s sweet,” she added and got even closer to Norah, so close that their foreheads touched. Norah’s heart was racing in her chest and she could smell Lacey’s sweet perfume. She swallowed nervously and noticed that Lacey’s brown eyes were shut, so she shut her own eyes too. Lacey’s soft lips touched Norah’s and they kissed gently until Lacey took a step back. “Let’s get back upstairs before someone finds us down here,” she said gleefully, as though the kiss never happened.

Norah followed the blonde girl until they reached the room in which they had been playing cards earlier that day. She smiled upon opening the door to find Trevor, Will and Amanda filling their glasses with vodka and orange juice.

"Where did you get that?" Lacey wondered with a smile.

"Amanda got the orange juice from the fridge and Will found the vodka in a bag," Trevor said and picked up another bottle from the plastic bag lying on the carpet next to him. "And I found some Baileys."

"So you don't even know who you stole the stuff from?" Norah asked. Trevor shrugged in response, seemingly unbothered by the fact that someone else was missing something because he took it from them.

"Don't be so serious, Norah. You need to loosen up a little," Will replied.

"Live a little," Trevor agreed. Norah felt saddened by his words, because if there was something she had been missing out on over the last few years it was 'living a little'. She had spent most of her time alone or with her sister. Not with friends, like most people her age would do.

"If it's any comfort, I did leave a few coins where the orange juice was," Amanda said, causing Norah to smile. Amanda seemed nice.

"Thanks for restoring my faith in humanity," Norah said humorously.

"You're funny for a depressed person," Will said and held out a glass of vodka and orange juice to her. "Let's have some fun."

"Yeah, let's have some fun," Norah agreed and accepted the drink.

It went downhill from there. After a few drinks, Norah got up from her seat on the floor, only to lose her balance and fall down again, face first hitting the edge of the wooden bed frame.

“Fuck,” she muttered and instictively cupped her cheek as she felt a sharp pain over her cheekbone.

“Oh my God, are you alright?” Lacey asked and crawled over to Norah.

“I’m okay, it just hurts like a bitch,” Norah replied.

“Let me see,” Will, who was the most sober of them all, said and inspected the injury. “You’ve got a bruise and you’re a bit swollen, we could get you some ice to take the swelling down.”

“I’ll go,” Amanda offered and quickly left the room. She was almost as sober as Will and would probably raise the least suspicion of the five teenagers. Norah had gotten the impression that Amanda was clever, well–mannered and used to living by the book. She and Will seemed to be trying to drink responsibly, unlike Trevor, Norah and Lacey.

Norah felt so tired that she almost fell asleep when sitting with the bag of ice pressed against her cheek. She was leaning her back against the wooden bed frame. She might have fallen asleep like that if it hadn’t been for the fact that she needed to pee.

“Damn it, I have to pee,” she mumbled and began to crawl on the floor towards the closed bedroom door. She didn’t dare to take any more chances by trying to walk when she couldn’t keep her balance. She crawled up to the bathroom door only to find the door locked. She groaned and sat with her back against the wall next to the door to wait for her turn to use the toilet. After a few minutes of waiting, the bathroom door finally opened and Norah looked up to see a couple in their early thirties leaving together. She got inside the bathroom and peed for what felt like ages. Making herself ready to leave the bathroom, Norah tried to stand up in front of the sink to wash her hands. She grimaced as she was starting to feel sick and quickly washed her hands before throwing up into the toilet. She vomited a lot before sinking down to the floor with her back against the tiled bathroom wall. Her head was spinning and she felt so impossibly tired.

She must have fallen asleep, Norah realised when she was woken up by someone leaning over her and talking to her. She blinked a couple of times and saw that it was Lacey.

“Thank God you’re alive!” Lacey said clearly relieved. “I thought you had died.”

“You probably shouldn’t sleep since you just hit your head,” Will told her. “You might have a concussion.”

“What do we have here?” Norah groaned at the sound of Andrew’s voice. She didn’t want him to see her like this.

“I’m okay,” Norah said and made an effort to sit up. A wave of nausea washed over her and she quickly leaned over the toilet to throw up.

“Scoot over,” Andrew told Will and Lacey before squatting down next to Norah. “Oh dear girl, what happened to your face?” he asked and inspected the injury.

“I fell and hit my face in the damn bed,” Norah explained and tried to look at Andrew but her vision was too blurry for her to see him clearly.

“That sucks,” Andrew replied.

“I think she might have a concussion,” Will said.

“Norah. Look at my finger please,” Andrew instructed. Norah squinted, hoping that it would clear her vision, but it didn’t help. She tried blinking a few times, but her vision was still blurred.

“It’s all blurry,” Norah said frustratedly.

“How blurry?” Andrew asked. “Can you see how many fingers I’m holding up?”

Norah tried really hard to see properly, but it didn’t work. It only made her head hurt. “Two or three,” she replied. “Possibly four.”

“This is not good,” Andrew muttered to himself.

“How many fingers were you holding up?” Norah wondered.

“Three.”

“Then I was right!” Norah told him triumphantly. “I’m fine!”

“No, you chose three options out of five on a question that only had one correct answer,” Andrew told her. “You are certainly not fine.”

“Should we call an ambulance? She’s been throwing up and possibly fainted after hitting her head. Someone professional should probably have a look at her,” Will reasoned.

“No! No ambulance!” Norah protested. “I promise, I’m fine! I just had a little too much to drink. I just need to sleep it off.”

“Sleeping is the last thing you should do before we get this properly checked up,” Andrew said seriously.

“Damn it,” Norah muttered. “This is so fucking embarrassing. Sarah is going to kill me.”

“Who’s Sarah?” Andrew asked.

“She’s my big sister,” Norah explained.

“Is she here at the party too?” he wondered and Norah sighed heavily. “I’m guessing that’s a yes… Could someone go and get her?”

“We don’t know what she looks like,” Will explained.

“But she’s Tom’s girlfriend right?” Lacey said and Norah nodded. “I’ll go get him then. Come with me Amanda.”

Andrew and the others led Norah out of the bathroom and into the guest room where they had been sitting and drinking. She sat down on the fluffy carpet with her back against the bed and sighed heavily.

“Sucks, doesn’t it?” Andrew asked and sat down next to her.

“I feel so stupid,” Norah confessed. “I know better than this.”

“I bet you do,” Andrew agreed. “But we all make mistakes every now and then. Don’t beat yourself up over it too much. What’s happened has happened. Let’s just make the best of it.”

“Thank you for being so nice to me,” Norah said appreciatively. “And I’m sorry for ruining your night.”

“You haven’t ruined my night at all. Don’t worry about it, I’m happy to help,” Andrew said.

“I appreciate it,” Norah replied. “What time is it by the way?”

“A quarter past eleven,” Andrew replied after glancing down at his watch.

“I see. Maybe we could wait until next year to tell Sarah about this. I don’t want to ruin her night. I always ruin things for her,” Norah said regretfully.

“I don’t really know you or Sarah, but I get the impression that she cares about you a lot. You’re her little sister, of course she wants to know about how you’re doing. That’s more important than watching fireworks at midnight,” Andrew reasoned.

“But I want her to be able to watch the fireworks at midnight in peace, without having to worry about me,” Norah explained.

“She’ll live,” Andrew said in an attempt to comfort her.

“Is she in there?” Norah heard Sarah’s serious voice and covered her face with her hands to hide her injury. “There you are,” Sarah said with a sigh and knelt down in front of her little sister. “Would you mind telling me about what happened?”

“I fell,” Norah said and moved her hands from her face to reveal the injury.

“Ouch. That must have hurt,” Sarah said sympathetically. Norah couldn’t quite read her sister’s expression since her vision was still blurry, but she thought she sounded a bit drunk.

“Are you feeling okay, Norah?” Tom asked concernedly. “You look pale.” Norah felt Tom’s hand gently touch her forehead for a moment. “You’re cold. Have you been drinking, Norah?” he asked seriously.

“No, of course not!” Norah replied, hearing Andrew snort beside her. He nudged her on the arm and told her that now is the time to stick to the truth. “I’ve had a drink or two,” Norah admitted reluctantly.

“Why?” Sarah questioned angrily. “I thought we made it clear that you can’t drink when you’re on those medications. Especially not now that you’ve taken benzodiazepines too! What’s wrong with you? Do you want to die?”

“I don’t know,” Norah replied truthfully. “I don’t know whether I want to die or not.”

“So you’re ambivalent, huh?” Sarah asked brittly. “You know what? I can’t take this anymore! This destructive behaviour of yours! You were doing so damn well Norah, and now you’re just throwing it all away! I can’t stand watching you hurt yourself like this anymore!”

“You’ve been waiting for this moment, haven’t you? Now you have a reason to send me away! So fucking send me away! I know you want to!” Norah replied angrily.

“Now is not the time to make any decisions like that,” Tom interjected. “What we should focus on right now is Norah’s safety.”

“Amen,” Andrew agreed. “She’s thrown up after hitting her head and her vision is blurry,” he informed them.

“She needs to go to a hospital and get properly checked up,” Sarah decided.

“I’ll take her,” Tom offered.

“I’ll go with her. I’m her legal guardian, they’re going to want to talk to me,” Sarah explained.

“Right. But they could talk to you over the phone,” Tom reasoned. “You should stay and have some fun.”

“Fun?! Are you fucking serious, Tom?! Do you think I can have fun when my little sister’s life is in danger?! She could fucking die from this and she doesn’t even care if she lives or dies!”

“You’re right, Sarah. I’m sorry,” Tom apologised. “Should we call an ambulance?”

“I think she’ll get help faster if we find someone to drive us to the ER,” Sarah said.

“I’ll drive you,” Stephen offered.

“Yeah, we’ll drive you,” Andrew agreed.

“But you’ll probably miss the fireworks,” Norah objected. “I don’t want to ruin everyone’s night!”

“You should have thought about that before having a damn drink!” Sarah said angrily.

“We don’t mind, Norah,” Andrew assured her. “Like I said before, there are things that are more important than watching fireworks at midnight. I think we all can agree on that.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Tom said and proceeded to help Norah stand up. He held his arm around her shoulders, supporting her as they walked downstairs and out to Stephen’s car.

The ride to the nearest hospital went pretty fast.

“You have my number, let me know how it goes,” Andrew said as he hugged Norah goodbye.

“Take care, Norah,” Stephen said. “And keep in mind that you don’t have to play the game the same way everyone else does. Make your own rules and just be yourself. You’re a bright young woman and we believe in you.”

Norah’s eyes filled with tears at Stephen’s words and she pulled him into a hug. “Thank you, Stephen. I’ll remember that.”

“Thanks for the ride. We really appreciate it,” Sarah said.

“Thank you so much,” Tom said appreciatively before they got back in the car.

The emergency room was crowded with people and Sarah asked Tom to get them all coffee from the coffee machine, as she sat Norah down on a bench.

“Can you look at me, Norah?” Sarah requested and squatted down in front of her, trying to establish eye contact.

“You’re all blurry,” Norah replied.

“How blurry? Can you see how many fingers I’m holding up?” Sarah asked, holding up a hand in front of Norah’s face.

“I’m not sure. Two?” Norah guessed.

“That’s not good,” Sarah said with a sigh. “What exactly did you have to drink? You didn’t drink any moonshine, did you?”

“I don’t think so,” Norah replied as she thought about the rum and cola.

“But you’re not sure?” Sarah asked and Norah shook her head. “You know you can go blind from things like that? But I suppose you don’t really care about that either.”

“Of course I don’t want to go blind,” Norah said and sighed.

“Is that so?” Sarah asked.

“If I went blind, I wouldn’t be able to see when you’re happy. I want to see you happy, Sarah. I’m sorry about tonight. I really fucked up,” Norah apologised.

“The best way you can make me happy is by becoming happy yourself,” Sarah told her ardently.

“I’ll try harder,” Norah promised.

“You can’t force yourself to be happy,” Sarah objected. “But as long as you’re still alive, it’s never too late to become happy. You have so much potential, Norah. You have so much strength inside of you. You can get through this. I believe in you.”

Tears ran down Norah’s face at her sister’s words. “Thank you,” she whispered to Sarah as they hugged.

“I love you,” Sarah replied. “Let’s get you through this.”

“I love you too.”

As soon as Tom came back with their coffees, Sarah got up from her seat next to Norah.

“Can you stay with her so I can talk to a nurse?” she asked.

“Of course,” Tom replied and sat down next to Norah.

“I’ll be right back,” Sarah said and walked over to the front desk.

After a couple of minutes, Sarah came back accompanied by a nurse.

“Just look at her! You can tell that she needs help right away,” Sarah told the nurse seriously. “She pale as a ghost, she can’t see anything, she can’t walk by herself, she’s hit her head and vomited, she’s had too much to drink, possibly moonshine. And she has taken benzodiazepines! And just look at her lips, they’re turning blue! She’s not getting enough oxygen. You have to help her right now!”

“Let me talk to her for a second,” the nurse said. Tom got up from his seat and the nurse sat down next to Norah. “What’s your name darling?”

“Norah,” Norah replied.

“Okay, Norah. So here’s what’s going to happen. We’re going to take you into an examination room and run some tests. There will be a doctor asking you some questions and I want you to be completely honest with them so they can help you to the best of their ability. Do you think you can do that for me? Be completely honest?”

“Okay,” Norah agreed.

The nurse led Norah, Sarah and Tom into an examination room and requested that Norah should lay down on the examination table. She felt really tired and lightheaded as she climbed up and laid herself down. The nurse took Norah’s blood pressure and remarked that it was low. Norah’s pulse was on the slower side and her oxygen saturation was a little bit lower than expected. The nurse also took a blood sample from Norah’s arm, before leaving the room.

“Don’t fall asleep,” Sarah said and took Norah’s hand in hers. “You're going to be alright, Norah. They’re all here to help you."

They heard people cheering in the waiting room.

"Happy new year," Tom told them.

"Happy new year," Sarah replied and gave Norah's hand a squeeze.

"I'm sorry you're not able to watch the fireworks because of me," Norah said sadly.

"Don't be silly, Norah," Sarah told her and kissed her hand. "I would pick you over fireworks every damn day of the year."

Norah smiled at her sister's words as she shut her tired eyes. 'This year will be better than the last,' she thought to herself before drifting off.

Taglist @o-sacra-virgo-laudes-tibi @sassafras04 @nanarento @sidneydisneyq @siyoteodiara @banddorkmarie @highjackluv @midnight-polaroids @mediocretranquility @musicartmayheminmyheart @rip-taylors-reputation @littlegeneralamy @tiffanylcullen @twhiddlestonsstuff

#helovesmenot #tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston fanfiction #benedict cumberbatch #andrew scott #unrequited love #coming of age #tom hiddleston real person fanfiction #he loves me not #depression #TW depression #anxiety #suicidal ideation

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tomhiddlestonfanfic · 3 years

Text

He Loves Me Not Chapter Eighteen

Ch.1 - Ch.2 - Ch.3 - Ch.4 - Ch.5 - Ch.6 - Ch.7 - Ch.8 - Ch.9 - Ch.10 - Ch.11 - Ch.12 - Ch.13 - Ch.14 - Ch.15 - Ch. 16 - Ch. 17 - Ch. 18 - Ch. 19

Summary & Chapter Index

TITLE: He Loves Me Not

CHAPTER NUMBER/ONE SHOT: 18/?? WHICH TOM/CHARACTER: Actor Tom OTHER CHARACTERS: Benedict Cumberbatch PAIRING: Tom Hiddleston/OFC GENRE: Hurt/Comfort, Drama, Romance, Teen Angst, Coming of age

FEEDBACK: All sorts of feedback is highly appreciated. Every note, comment, reblog and mail I get makes me really, really happy. It’s always very interesting to hear what you think of my writing.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Thank you so much for your patience. I know it’s been a really long time since I last updated this story, but I never truly gave up on it. Life just got in the way. I’m really sorry about the inconvenience and hope you enjoy the story. Love, F.

Chapter Eighteen: Everybody Has a Little Darkness in Them

Norah ate reluctantly in Tom's company. He kept smiling encouragingly at her from across the table whenever she looked up from her plate.

"You look tired," she remarked causing him to smile at her.

"So do you," he replied and motioned towards her plate in a reminder to eat. Norah sighed and took another bite of her sandwich. "Would it make it easier for you if we talked while you were eating, or do you prefer silence?"

"The silence makes me more anxious," Norah told him.

"Okay. Then we'll talk," Tom decided. "Actually, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about for some time now."

Norah froze. He knew. That must be it. He knew about her feelings for him. “Okay,” she mumbled nervously in response, mentally preparing herself for rejection.

Tom pulled out a neatly folded paper from the inner pocket of his jacket and handed it to her across the table between them. “Do you remember this?” he asked.

Norah confusedly unfolded the paper. She was both relieved and disappointed once she identified it as the agreement they had written and signed several months ago. Part of her had really wanted to come clean to Tom about her feelings for him, even if that meant getting rejected. The other part of her was relieved not to have to tell him just yet. That way she would be able to keep pretending that there was a slight possibility that he in fact might like her back.

“Right, what about it?” Norah asked, beginning to feel uneasy upon skimming through the list of things she had agreed to. She had not succeeded particularly well on any of the points on the list. “I failed, is that what you want to tell me?” she asked bitterly as she handed back the list to Tom, afraid that she would otherwise rip the paper to pieces.

“You haven’t failed, Norah,” Tom objected and smiled reassuringly at her as he unwillingly accepted the paper back into his hands. “I’m proud of you for trying so hard, and I want you to know that your efforts are not in vain. It’s so easy to slip up and fall back into old habits, but as long as you keep trying, you haven’t really failed,” Tom insisted. “You have made progress, Norah. You have changed, both Sarah and I can see it, and we are really proud of you. The important part now is that you don’t give up, but keep fighting. We both believe in you and just want what’s best for you.”

Norah looked down at her hands in her lap. The cast on her left hand was glaring back at her, filling her with guilt. She certainly hadn’t made herself worthy of all this praise.

“But I’ve let you down,” Norah objected, automatically shaking her head at him, rejecting his words of encouragement.

“No, you haven’t, Norah. You’ve made me proud,” Tom kept insisting and pointed to the paper. “Look, I never said this would be easy, and I never said you were expected to change overnight. Now, did I?” Tom questioned with a gentle smile.

Norah shrugged and blushed a little as she recalled the night when Tom had taken it upon himself to become more involved in her care.

“I guess not,” she mumbled self-consciously. Tom nodded towards her plate, and she took another bite of her sandwich.

“You’ve made progress on nearly all of the items on the agreement,” Tom said, pointing at the first part. “You haven’t been hurting yourself as frequently as you used to. And I can tell that you’ve really been trying to fight the urge to do so. Like the other day in the bathroom when I found that razorblade on the floor. You didn’t use it, even though you wanted to.”

“But that was only because there was no point in doing it. If you would have caught me cutting myself, you probably wouldn’t have let me leave the house so I could-” Norah heard herself begin to explain before she finally remembered how to stop talking. What the hell was she thinking? Why would she ever want to remind him of that? To make him hurt? To remind him of how untrustworthy she really was?

“... so you could kill yourself,” Tom finished for her. His voice was low and grave as he spoke, and Norah could feel his piercing eyes on her, but couldn’t bring herself to look up to meet his stare.

“I…” Norah trailed off. Her mouth remained slightly ajar as she struggled to find the right words; the magical words that would make it alright again. “Fuck,” she finally muttered frustratedly when her mind failed to come up with anything better to say. “I’m sorry,” she then added, deciding that apologising would be the way to go. “I’m so sorry for putting you through all that.”

“I know,” Tom replied in a gentle tone. “And I’m sorry too. I really wish I hadn’t let you out of my sight. I felt in my gut that something wasn’t right, and yet, I let you go.”

“But nothing happened,” Norah reminded him. She looked up to meet Tom’s sad blue eyes and felt a lump form in her throat. Why did she have to be such an idiot and bring this up now? Why couldn’t she just have accepted his praise instead of reminding him of why she wasn’t worthy of it? Norah shut her eyes and covered her face with her hands as she thought about it. Why did she always have to mess things up?

“Hey, don’t be sad,” Tom pleaded and got up from his seat to sit down in a chair next to her instead. He proceeded to place an arm around her shoulders. When Norah began to sob, he pulled her into his lap and wrapped his arms around her from behind. He leaned in to softly peck her on the cheek, before proceeding to whisper into her ear. “I’m not angry with you, Norah. I know it isn’t your fault.”

Norah took deep, shaky breaths between her sobs, and leaned back against Tom. The sensation of his warm body against hers was mostly comforting, but also somewhat unsettling. She felt guilty; for everything she had done to him, and for everything she wanted to do to him. It simply wasn’t right; none of it.

“It’s going to be alright,” Tom promised sweetly when her sobs had begun to subside. “It's all going to be just fine.”

Norah couldn’t help but snort as she reflected upon her own behaviour. “Here I go again. First I make you hurt, and then I start crying myself so you have to comfort me. It’s messed up.”

Tom laughed softly and hugged her harder in response. “I don’t mind it. Perhaps I’m comforting myself by comforting you... and perhaps some part of you knows that.”

“No, I assure you, I’m just selfish,” Norah laughed dryly.

“I don’t believe that,” Tom insisted. “If you were purely selfish, you wouldn’t cry because of bad conscience.”

“But I might have faked tears to make it appear as though I’m the one to feel bad about, rather than the other way around,” Norah pointed out, before sighing deeply.

“You’re such a dork,” Tom uttered spontaneously and lovingly, as though he had been talking to Sarah. Norah had heard him use those exact words on several occasions to show Sarah his affection and express his adoration of her quirks. She could feel Tom’s body go tense underneath her for a brief moment as he seemingly realised his mistake.

“Says the dorkiest person I’ve ever met,” Norah retorted, desperately hoping that Tom wouldn’t realise that she had noticed anything. She was relieved when she heard Tom’s characteristic laughter.

“So,” Tom finally said, announcing that he was back in business. Norah slid off his lap and sat back down next to him. She chewed her lip thoughtfully as Tom presented her with the paper once more. Norah read through the first item on the list and realised that she had broken all of the things mentioned. She pushed the paper back into Tom’s hands.

"All in all, you’ve been eating better, save for the last week…" Tom said and motioned towards her plate yet again. Norah sighed and took another bite as he continued to speak. "And you haven’t been drinking at all, if we don’t count your little night out with Ben,” he pointed out to her, letting his index finger trace the words on the paper. Norah smiled sheepishly until his finger paused on the next sentence; ‘Also, I will not put myself in any unnecessary danger.’

Norah’s heart sunk as she read the words. She felt ashamed as she recalled the moment when Tom had stood beside her on the edge of the cliff.

“Norah, I know this is hard for you. But I really think we should talk this through,” Tom told her earnestly. “Can we do that?”

“Fine,” Norah muttered and reluctantly took another bite of her breakfast. She really wanted to be done eating by the time Sarah got back.

“Good. So how many times would you say you put yourself in unnecessary danger last week?”

“Do we really have to do this?” Norah questioned, crossing her arms defensively.

“I want to make sure we’re on the same page,” Tom insisted.

“Fine. Twice,” Norah mumbled.

“Would you be so kind as to clarify?”

Norah snorted at Tom’s way of phrasing the question. “You sound like a dusty old professor,” she muttered, luring a smile from him. “But sure, I’ll clarify. I guess you could consider it putting myself in danger when I fell into the water, even though it wasn’t on purpose. And, well, the other one is pretty obvious, don’t you think? Otherwise I wouldn’t be here right now.”

Tom nodded and looked at her solemnly. “I see,” he said. “How about drinking alcohol when you’re on pregabalin? Wouldn’t you consider that dangerous?”

“Prega- what?” Norah asked confusedly.

“Pregabalin, the active ingredient in your anxiety medication,” Tom explained.

“Which one?”

“Lyrica, the one you take every day.” Tom smiled as Norah made a face at him.

“Ah, I see… And since when did you become a fan of neuroscience?” she asked brittly, embarrassed by the fact that Tom knew more about her medical treatment than she did.

“Well, I did some research because I was a bit concerned about you taking so much medication,” Tom revealed. Norah looked away as she smiled abashedly, moved by his gesture. “Anyhow,” Tom continued somewhat awkwardly. “It’s not good to mix Lyrica with alcohol because they both depress the central nervous system. That’s probably why you were so out of it and couldn’t even walk by yourself.”

“Oh,” Norah uttered when realisation hit. “So that’s why I got so drunk? I thought I had just been drinking too much…”

“It was probably a combination of the two,” Tom pointed out bitterly. His face had grown more serious and his jaw a bit tense. "And the fact that you had barely eaten before your little drunken adventure."

“Are you angry with me?” Norah asked confusedly.

“No, I just wish you would take this more seriously,” Tom replied, giving her a significative look.

“I am,” Norah assured him. “I just think you’re overreacting a little. I mean, it’s not like anything happened.”

“Not this time. But what if Ben wouldn’t have been with you?” Tom questioned seriously.

“Then I probably wouldn’t have gotten drunk in the first place!” Norah defended herself.

“Fine,” Tom sighed. “But can you please promise me you will be more careful with alcohol and medications in the future?”

“Okay,” Norah agreed sourly, a bit put off by his paternal manners. He really didn’t have to take it upon himself to tell her off about those things, as far as Norah knew, it was Sarah’s job.

“Good,” Tom replied dryly, and Norah could tell by the look in his eyes that he didn’t quite believe her. He broke eye contact with her to have a quick look at the paper. “If you look back at the last two weeks, can you think of any occasions where you might have put someone else in a potentially dangerous situation?”

Norah sighed deeply and glared darkly at Tom. She considered the option of refusing to discuss things any further with him, but then realised that Sarah probably would pick up where he left off. The mere thought of having this discussion with Sarah instead of Tom made Norah cringe, because she knew it couldn’t possibly end well.

“Yes. That old man could have gotten hurt when he pulled me out of the water, and you could have gotten yourself killed when you so foolishly insisted on standing so damn close to the edge of that cliff. But here’s the thing, I never asked any of you to help me in any way,” Norah told him irritably. “I think you’re both fucking idiots for saving someone who doesn’t even want to be saved.”

“Oh, Norah. I… I didn’t think of it like that. I was just thinking about the plastic bag you threw out the car window…” Tom explained warily, seemingly regretful of having upset her once more.

“What?! You’re still going on about that?” Norah asked in disbelief and found herself wanting to laugh and cry at the same time.

“I’m sorry,” Tom apologised heartily. “I didn’t think of it like that.”

“So you were seriously still upset about the bag out the car window incident?” Norah asked incredulously.

“Well, I guess that’s another thing I just wish you would take more seriously,” Tom replied abashedly and awkwardly reached back to scratch the back of his neck.

“It’s not that I don’t get it, and it’s not that I don’t care,” Norah explained. “It’s just that it feels like a pretty ridiculous thing to make such a big deal out of since nothing happened.”

Tom smiled at her. “I guess you’re right,” he unwillingly agreed. “Should we continue with the list?” he then asked after a moment of silence.

“It’s not my favourite thing in the world to do, but I’m guessing you won’t take no for an answer,” Norah replied with a shrug.

“You’re right about that,” Tom agreed and smiled briefly at her. He didn’t seem to particularly enjoy this either, but he was clearly keen on following it through. “I’ll try to be quick,” he promised and resumed reading the words he had typed several months earlier. “I know it’s hard for you to ask for and accept help from others, but Sarah and I both think you’ve made progress with that. We’re really proud of you and hope you will continue to get better at letting someone know when you’re not feeling well.”

Norah blushed and looked down at the paper in Tom’s hands. She didn’t know what to answer to that so she just hummed awkwardly to confirm that she had heard him.

“About this,” Tom motioned to the third item on the agreement. “You seem pretty attached to your phone, and yet you fail to answer texts and calls. Why is that?”

“You’re always calling at a bad time, and I can’t text when I’m in the middle of an instance,” Norah replied.

“An instance?”

“When I’m in an instance I’m playing with other players, so I kind of have a responsibility to pay attention to the game since we’re all cooperating,” Norah explained.

“I see, but you’re not playing computer games all day long, are you?” Tom wondered.

“No,” Norah sighed “but you tend to call whenever I do.”

“So call me back or send me a text whenever you’re done,” Tom said.

“But I forget,” Norah mumbled.

“Or you don’t want to remember.”

“No, mostly I actually do forget,” Norah insisted.

“Okay,” Tom said. “But can you try getting into the habit of checking your phone every now and then when you’re not busy doing something else?”

“Okay,” Norah agreed.

“And when you’re going out, at least let someone know where you’re going,” Tom reminded her.

“Fine,” Norah muttered. “But you can’t expect me to bring my phone when you’ve taken it from me.”

“Of course not, but if you would have told me where you were going I could have given it back to you,” Tom replied.

“Provided you would have let me go out in the first place,” Norah commented bitterly.

“Precisely. Not going out whenever you like is kind of a major part of being grounded,” Tom pointed out. Norah sighed and rolled her eyes at him. “Did you know that in the past, eye-rolling was commonly used as a form of flirting?”

Norah felt her cheeks grow warm from embarrassment. “Well, I can assure you that I’m not flirting with you!” she huffed at him.

“Oh, I, I didn’t think you were, I just find it interesting how things change over time,” Tom assured her, getting a bit flustered himself. “Sorry. We should probably just keep going. I’ll try to be quick.”

Norah smiled at how Tom’s cheeks had gone from pale to rosy within seconds.

“I guess you’re working on this,” Tom mumbled as he skimmed through the fourth item on the list. Norah particularly disliked that one, because it reminded her that she didn’t live up to Tom’s standards. ‘I will apologise when I do or say something hurtful or wrong and take full responsibility for my actions.’ The fact that Tom had thought it necessary to add something like that to the agreement clearly expressed that Norah didn’t fit his idea of how a person should act. "You will apologise to Sarah for calling her a sadistic bitch, right?"

"Of course," Norah mumbled and blushed.

"Good. Don't forget to eat," Tom reminded her as he kept skimming through the next item on the list; 'I will stop skipping doctor's appointments and go to my scheduled therapy sessions, actually talking to the therapist. I will also take my medications in accordance to the doctor's instructions.'

Norah sighed and ate some more. It went slow, but she noticed that the two sandwiches had decreased to half a sandwich, while most of the apple remained.

“You told your therapist to fuck off, so I’m guessing that didn’t work out for you,” Tom sighed and shook his head disapprovingly. “On a more positive note, you have been taking your medication,” he added and went on to the next item on the list. 'I will stop skipping school and get my GCSE.' “About school. Sarah, you and a social worker are going to sit down and have a long lovely chat about that next week,” he revealed.

"Oh no," Norah groaned and couldn't help but pout.

"It's going to be alright. I truly believe it's going to work out this time," Tom told her encouragingly.

"Yeah right," Norah muttered and sighed heavily.

"It'll be alright," Tom insisted. "Look, there's only one more item left on the list," he said and pointed to the paper. Norah leaned over and read it. 'I will start painting again, and do other things that favour my self-expression.'

"Gaming favours my self-expression," she told him.

"I see," Tom replied with a smile. "I think some variation would be good. What else favours your self-expression? Do you paint? Or write?" Norah blushed as he mentioned writing. She had actually written a one-shot about Tom.

"Not really, I haven't really felt inspired to," Norah explained.

"I see. I suppose you can't force a creative process… but if I were to give you a writing assignment, would you give it a shot?"

"A writing assignment?" Norah questioned. Tom nodded at her. "I suppose I could try," she replied with a shrug.

"Marvellous," Tom said happily and pulled out a handwritten piece of paper from his jacket.

"You already had one prepared?" Norah asked incredulously and curiously reached out for the paper, but Tom held it out of reach.

"Finish your sandwich first," he told her. Norah began to roll her eyes at him, then stopped and blushed before returning to her food.

As soon as Norah swallowed the last bite, Tom handed her the neatly folded paper with his lovely handwriting.

'Pick a character from a book, play or film and write an essay about what mental health problems that character might suffer from and why.'

Norah smiled as she read the assignment. She knew exactly what to write about. It was something she knew that Tom would get really excited about, but she decided she wouldn't tell him anything about it until it was done with the essay.

"You're smiling," Tom said happily.

"I am," Norah replied and her smile widened.

"Do you know what to write about?"

"Maybe," she replied cryptically as the door opened. "I won't tell you what though."

"I can't wait to read it," Tom told her excitedly before smiling up at Sarah as she walked in. Norah glanced down at the table and her heart sunk as she realised that the apple was still left.

"Hi," Sarah said and sat down next to Norah. "Do your teeth still hurt?" she asked once she saw the apple pieces. Norah nodded. "Alright then. A glass of milk or juice?"

Norah hesitated for a moment. The milk would contain more calories than the juice, but her teeth would hurt even more if she picked the juice. 'It serves me right,' she thought and sighed heavily. "Apple juice," she finally said.

"Okay," Sarah replied and made a move to get up, but Tom was faster.

"I'll get it," he offered.

"Thank you," Sarah smiled.

Norah looked up at him and met his gaze. 'Apologise', he mouthed at her. Norah bit her lip and looked down at her hands. The sight of the cast on her left hand made her want to smash it into the table. She was sad and angry at the same time and couldn't really tell why.

"I'm sorry I said all those hurtful things to you. I don't think you're a sadistic bitch," Norah mumbled abashedly.

"Thank you," Sarah said with a weak smile. She was so quick to forgive. "I spoke to your doctor. He wants to put you on a new medication. I told him no, but ultimately it's your decision to make," she said.

"What kind of medication?" Norah asked, glad to be included in the decision making.

"A mood stabiliser called Lithium. It's commonly used for Bipolar disorder, which you don't have," Sarah explained. Norah grimaced slightly at the mention of Lithium.

"I don't want to try it," she decided quickly.

"Okay," Sarah replied. "The doctor is also considering putting you on neuroleptics. A medication called Olanzapine."

"I'd rather die," Norah informed her. While she didn't know much about medications in general, she did know that a common side effect from neuroleptics was weight gain.

"I understand," Sarah replied as though she had expected that kind of answer. "As much as I want to tell the doctor to fuck right off, he has a legal right of keeping you here for 72 hours. I've tried to change his mind, but he won't budge. He's convinced that you need to be in a clinical environment right now to make sure you're safe."

"You already told him to stick his opinion up his arse, why not tell him to fuck off as well?" Norah asked amusedly, causing Sarah to blush and smile embarrasedly. "What's gotten into you?" Norah wondered.

"I don't know," Sarah sighed. "I just don't want to let you down again, Norah."

"Thank you for caring so much," Norah told her older sister sincerely. "I promise I'll be alright in here. I don't feel like you're letting me down at all."

…

‘Hey you, out there beyond the wall Breaking bottles in the hall, can you help me? Hey you, don’t tell me there’s no hope at all Together we stand, divided we fall’

Norah breathed shakily as she struggled to hold back her tears. There was something about that particular part of the song that really got to her. Perhaps it was the lyrics, the manner in which they were delivered, or a combination of the two. Roger Waters’s voice was not the most beautiful singing voice she had ever heard, but there was a theatrical quality to it that had awoken both her interest and admiration. She found the entire album utterly inspiring, and at the same time somewhat discouraging, because she knew she would never be able to create anything even remotely close to as amazing as ‘The Wall’.

Norah smiled to herself as she held Joe’s letter clutched against her chest. He had been right; the film he had sent her had made her feel less alone. She was amazed by how Joe somehow seemed to understand her, even though they hardly even knew each other. Whereas most people who did know her, didn’t seem to get her at all. She was now listening through the concept album on which the film was based, and she absolutely loved it.

She heard a knock on the door through the music and pulled out her headphones. As the door opened, she sat up on the bed and quickly folded Joe's letter, discreetly putting it in her pocket as she got up to greet him and Riko.

"Hey," Joe greeted her with a smile and a hug.

"Hi, thanks for coming," Norah replied and proceeded to greet Riko with a hug as well.

"I brought you something," Riko said and rummaged through her tote bag. She pulled out a notebook and a couple of rolls of patterned washi tape in different colours. "I was thinking that you could keep an art journal or something, or write down your poems in it," the younger girl suggested.

"Thank you, I really love it," Norah said with a genuine smile as she accepted the gifts and carefully placed them on the bedside table.

Norah really enjoyed the company of Joe and Riko. She didn’t feel as awkward about the circumstances as she thought she would. Joe told her about how he had spent a lot of time in the hospital when visiting his old band mate Keith who suffered from schizophrenia.

“I think Keith’s brother still works here. Sebastian Baptiste, have you met him?” Joe wondered, causing Norah to light up.

“He worked here last night, he seemed pretty cool,” Norah replied.

“He’s a really good guy, I can assure you of that. Tell him hi from me and I’m sure you’ll get first class treatment,” Joe said with a smile.

“I just might,” Norah replied. She smiled at Riko as she noticed the drawing she had made for Noah on the wall. “I hope you don’t mind me showing it off to people, I really love it and think you are a very talented artist.”

“Oh, thank you,” Riko said with a light blush. “I’m glad you like it.”

“What’s this?” Joe asked amusedly as he picked up the card from Benedict and Sophie on her desk. “You sure are a lightweight drinker,” he teased as he handed the card with the drawing to Riko.

“I’m not a lightweight drinker,” Norah protested. “It was the pregabalin!” She had made sure to read up on her medications after her conversation with Tom. She really should have more insight into her own treatment than she used to, and make more medical decisions for herself as Sarah had put it.

“Let’s blame the good ol’ pregabalin then,” Joe laughed at her. Norah couldn’t tell whether he knew what it was or not. After all, he had been doing drugs in the past, perhaps he knew a lot about medications in general. She couldn’t really find a way to ask him that in a tactful way and didn’t want to make things awkward between them.

“Did Benedict draw this?” Riko asked as her eyes lit up with excitement at the sight of the drawing.

“He did!” Norah replied happily, finding herself sharing her younger friend’s excitement. “If I see him again, I’ll make sure he’ll draw you something as well,” she found herself promising once she realised that it was an actual possibility that she would get to meet Benedict again for as long as Tom was in the picture. As it seemed now, Tom wasn’t set on leaving Sarah anytime soon.

“Really?” Riko asked and threw her arms around her. “I would love that. But don’t pressure him if he doesn’t feel like it, not that I think he would let himself get pressure into something like that… but you know what I mean,” she rambled nervously.

“I’ll ask him if he feels like it,” Norah assured her with a smile.

Time went by quickly during her new found friends’ visit. When it was finally time for them to leave, Norah felt a sting of sadness. It would probably be a long time before she would be able to see them again. How typical that when she finally made new friends, they had to live far away from her.

“I’ll see you online,” Riko told her with a smile.

“Yeah, see you online,” Norah replied, managing to hold back her tears.

Norah lied down on the bed as soon as they had left and sighed heavily as she stared at the ceiling. Soon, a nurse aide came to fetch her for dinner. When she tried to refuse the nurse aide insisted.

“Come on, Norah. Your sister and her husband will be eating with you. Doctor Gianni decided to make an exception with visiting hours since you’re only seventeen.”

Norah sighed defeatedly and reluctantly followed the nurse aide to the room in which she had her meals, privately, away from the other patients. She liked not feeling like she had to socialise with strangers, but at the same time, she didn't want to be treated differently. She had overheard one of the other patients referring to her as 'little miss VIP' and saying that all rules didn't apply to her. Norah tried not to care about the hurtful words, but it was really hard not to.

Tom and Sarah greeted her happily when she entered the room. Norah felt grateful at the sight of them, realising that she was so lucky to have them.

…

Time went by slowly at the ward and Norah spent most of the time in her room. She avoided contact with other patients as much as possible, not because she feared them or anything like that, but because she knew she was going to leave soon anyway. She didn’t want to make any more new friends that she would soon have to part with, parting with Joe and Riko had been painful enough.

During her second night at the ward, Norah found herself waking up at five in the morning, unable to go back to sleep. So she got up and went outside her room to wander the long corridor to the common area with tables, chairs, bookshelves, sofas and a TV. In the small art room next to the common area, the lights were on and she found a woman in her mid-twenties sitting in there, drawing in a notebook. The woman looked up and smiled at her.

“Sorry,” Norah said and was about to leave when the woman stopped her.

“Please don’t leave,” the woman pleaded. “What’s your name?”

“Norah,” Norah replied and remained in the door opening.

“I’m Lucy,” the woman replied and got up from her seat by the desk. “I always wake up at an ungodly hour in this place. It’s nice not to be alone anymore.”

“Have you been here for a long time? If you don’t mind me asking,” Norah asked carefully.

“I’ve been here for three weeks,” Lucy replied. “You’re new here, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Norah replied. “I just got here yesterday. And I’ll probably be leaving the day after tomorrow because then the seventy two hours are up.”

“What makes you so sure that the doctor won’t make you stay longer than seventy two hours?” Lucy asked curiously as she stretched her arms over her head. Her shirt sleeve rolled down slightly, revealing a bandage around her wrist.

“My sister will insist that if I have to stay hospitalised any longer it would be closer to my home. I live in London,” Norah explained.

“That sounds nice. Living in London and having a sister who’s willing to fight for you,” Lucy mused with a gentle smile. “I used to dream about moving to London.”

“Then why don’t you?” Norah asked.

“Because my family lives here,” the woman replied with a shrug. “My husband and I depend on my parents and my mother in law to help us with the kids.”

“So you have a husband and kids? How old are they?”

“Five and three,” Lucy replied with a sad smile. “The youngest one just turned three, and I missed her birthday.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” Norah said sympathetically.

“It’s alright,” the woman replied sadly. “If I could, I would cry right now, but I just feel so numb.”

“I hate feeling numb,” Norah replied.

“Me too, but sometimes it’s better than feeling too much,” Lucy said with a half-smile. “On a more cheerful note. Do you paint? Draw? Keep a journal?”

“Not really. I was thinking of starting a journal of some sort, since I just got a book from a friend,” Norah replied. The woman’s eyes lit up with excitement.

“Go on. Go get your journal and I’ll help you get started. It’s a great way to pass the time and to document the interesting or good things you experience in life. And the bad things too. I use it as a means of validating myself sometimes. If I write how I feel down, I know it’s for real. It reminds me of how I don’t have to hurt myself to leave a scar to know I’m for real.”

“It’s a great idea. I’ll get my book,” Norah told her, not knowing how to respond to the woman’s words. Lucy seemed so open about her problems, which Norah found intriguing. At the same time, she was scared to bond with Lucy. But against better knowing, Norah left and got back a couple of minutes later with her book, pens and the rolls of washi tape she had been given by Riko.

Hours passed as they sat down and talked, drew and wrote in their journals. Lucy showed Norah a couple of pages of her own journal, which inspired Norah to put the drawing from Riko and the one from Benedict into her own journal, that way she wouldn’t end up losing them at the same time as they would help depict that particular moment of her life. She also put Sarah’s and Tom’s notes in her notebook with the washi tape decorating the pages and framing the short letters.

During the rest of Norah’s stay at the ward, she spent a lot of time in Lucy’s company. They even had breakfast together, since the doctor had decided not to let Sarah and Tom see Norah outside the ordinary visiting hours anymore. He still made an exception by letting them be with her for dinner, but other than that, doctor Gianni didn’t want to give her any more special treatment. Norah wondered if it had to do with that other patient’s loud complaints.

When it was finally time for Norah to leave the hospital, she found herself ambivalent. At the same time as she wanted to go back home, she didn’t want to leave Lucy behind. They exchanged numbers and wrote heartfelt messages in each others’ notebooks before they parted.

“Why don’t you sit in the front with me?” Tom offered when it was time to get in the car. Norah shrugged and took the passenger seat, leaving Sarah to sit in the back. “Do you mind country music?” Tom wondered, causing Norah to shake her head at him with a smile. That was the beginning of her introduction to the music and life of Hank Williams. Tom was adorably excited as he spoke to her about the country singer and she found herself listening with more interest than she had expected of herself. The thing that captivated her the most was when Tom spoke of Hank Williams’ alcoholism and drug addiction. He said something about how everybody has a little darkness in them, and that part of Hank Williams really spoke to people. He showed it to them, but unlike him, they didn’t have to take the darkness home with them.

“So which song was your favourite?” Tom asked after pausing the soulful country music.

“If I could only pick one?” Norah asked and Tom nodded. “Lovesick blues,” she replied with a smile. “Will you sing that one in the movie?”

“You’ll have to see,” Tom replied cryptically.

“Do you even know how to yodel?” Norah questioned.

“Not yet,” Tom admitted with a laugh. “But hopefully, I’ll learn.”

“I’m convinced you will. Soon there will be nothing you can’t do,” Norah told him with a smile.

“That’s a great compliment, Norah. It means a lot coming from you,” Tom said sincerely. “There are a whole lot of things I’ll never be able to learn, but thanks.”

Norah blushed in response as he turned the music back on. She looked out the car window and smiled to herself. Maybe she should try to be more open with him about her feelings- Lucy’s unapologetic openness had inspired her. Could she be so brave as to tell him about how amazing she thought he really was? Could she find the courage to tell him that she loved him?

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