#her book has zero reviews i kinda wanna buy it and give it a review

[beloved-child-of-the-house]

my college roommate (who i was rlly close with at the time until she dropped out to get married to The Worst Man In The World) wrote a novel about a group of people who were close in college and drifted apart and there's a couple in it based on me and my spouse

[moonmothmama]

ok. so. The Princess Bride. i read it yesterday.

and right up front, before even a review, i’m gonna go ahead and list everything objectionable in the book that i can recall. please don’t take the length of the bullet pointed items to follow as an indication that the book was wildly problematic and offended me at every turn; it wasn’t and it didn’t. but there were some things that made me go: 😑 or 😒, and here it all is, presented with context, before anything else, because to be honest, i didn’t expect any of it. the film is relatively spotless, which is pretty rare for that era, and if any of you are thinking of reading it, you could do with being more prepared for this than i was.

first off, racism. two passing remarks. one isn’t even in the story proper; it’s in the first whole long intro bit from the author/narrator. that takes some explanation, i suppose: like in the film, the story is presented as a book having been written by “S. Morganstern,” except instead of a grandfather reading to his sick grandson, the narrator is interjecting with notes on the original text that he has abridged. the beginning is a whole long shpiel that, in my opinion, could have been significantly pared down with absolutely zero loss to the story (which! hey! the film did perfectly! go figure!). anyway, the first racist remark is an absolutely tasteless line in which the narrator pisses and moans about his fat son, making a crack about “painting him yellow” and making him a sumo wrestler. y i k e. the other passing remark is from Miracle Max (really, truly, the film version of this scene is miles better than the book version, but contains an important plot detail, so you should prob still read it, but i’ll give you the lowdown if you wanna skip). he refers to Iñigo as a sp*ck (rather bafflingly, i might add, bc Iñigo is a Spanish man... from Spain... not a Hispanic or Latino man from Latin America. so. i mean i’m certainly not an expert on slurs but... i have never in my life heard that term in reference to a person from Spain, and am virtually certain it was invented to refer to ppl from the americas) and in the same breath uses an objectionable term for a Polish person. sooo... again: y i k e. what gets me is that... these could’ve just been edited out? why weren’t they? i mean i know why but

fat shaming! see above. though to be honest, any true negativity about fatness is restricted to the author/narrator’s interjections; there are a few minor fat characters in the story and those depictions, without being too long-winded or spoilery, didn’t offend me (fyi: i’m fat). if you want the details, please feel free to message me about it.

if we can go back to the whole long beginning shpiel from the author/narrator, it’s just... eh. he comes off as kind of a jackass, tbh. not even halfway through it i found myself more than a little impatient for the story to begin, and that could be at least partly because the film spoiled me with a lovely, not annoying, not problematic scene of Granddad Columbo reading to Baby Fred Savage where no one made any racist remarks or ragged on fat kids. the basic gist, if you want to skip it, is that the author, as a kid, had this book read to HIM by his father, who was a Florinese immigrant, and nearly illiterate in English, but still labored over reading the English translation to his American-born son, who adored the book and requested it read to him dozens and dozens of times over the years, refusing to read it himself (though he read plenty of other books). as an adult, he buys his son the book, and is crushed when the son doesn’t like it. he then reads it for the first time, and realizes his father skipped over huge, boring blocks of text. he read his son only The Good Parts. so he decides to edit that shit out himself and release the abridged version he loves so much. add into that some complaining about his wife and some extra blah blah, and that’s pretty much it.

you remember the scene in the movie where The Man In Black/Westley almost slaps Buttercup for what he believes is lying? in the book he actually slaps her. not that his actions seem supported or endorsed by the text, but still, there you are. Buttercup does push him off a cliff soon after, though, so. i wouldn’t call that ‘even’ exactly but, shrug

Vizzini, in the book, has a fucky leg and his back isn’t quite straight, and he’s referred to repeatedly as a “humpback” or “hunchback” which needless to say is Not Kosher

that, as i recall, is it. i hope i’m not forgetting anything. now onto content/trigger warnings:

alcoholism. this shouldn’t be a surprise if you’ve seen the movie: Iñigo has some, shall we say, issues

Fezzik’s parents were... terrible. CPS would be all over them. spoiler: basically they emotionally blackmailed their son into fighting professionally, which they knew he hated, by telling him they’d abandon him if he didn’t

Buttercup has some kinda messed up (read: unsettling but in no way graphic) nightmares after leaving Westley when they’re found by Prince Humperdinck at the Fire Swamp, mostly involving bearing children to the Prince who she once again is set to marry

the slurs and whatnot i mentioned above

violence, obviously. nothing worse than the film as i recall.

that’s it i think. 

okay. all that said. did i enjoy the book? yes i did. a lot.

now, you might be thinking: jesus, Kathleen, after all the shit you just listed? and to this i reply: listen. there is no Unproblematic Media, so you either enjoy some things that are flawed, or you enjoy nothing at all. there is plenty of objectionable shit in Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit! fucking plenty! and i love those books! and so do plenty of other people! in my own humble opinion, the good story is worth the shitty bits, because the shitty bits aren’t like, fundamental to the plotline. the story isn’t built on offensive humor or nasty, bigoted attitudes. and they’re also not the most egregious examples of Objectionable Content i’ve come across- not by a longshot. there are levels to offense. there are tiers of bullshit. this is on a far lower tier than a whole host of other things i could mention. but if any of this stuff i’ve listed crosses a line for you, i totally understand and respect that. that’s why i’ve bothered to list it at all. imo, how you respond to objectionable content is important: you don’t ignore it or excuse it, you acknowledge and criticize it. and if you still enjoy whatever the thing is, you allow yourself to enjoy it, without getting hissy or defensive with people for whom the objectionable content ruined the book/movie/whatever. 

there you go, there’s my disclaimer for having enjoyed the book. your mileage may vary.

okay. so. review time.

Buttercup is a far more interesting character in the book than the movie, for which the movie can’t be faulted all that much, because you can’t easily translate a character’s inner monologue/unspoken thoughts to the screen, especially not with the time limit that comes with the medium of film. but watching her struggle with her feelings and life choices (and... lack thereof, since her choice is between marrying the prince and being put to death, which isn’t much of a choice, even if she tries to reason it out later by telling herself she COULD have said no... and initially did) creates far more of a bond between her and the reader in the book than, personally, i felt watching the movie. also she has a great line after Westley calls her beautiful at their reunion- she says something like, ‘everyone’s always calling me beautiful, i have a mind too, why don’t you talk about that’

Both Westley and Buttercup are immature, naive, and foolish in the beginning, and if Westley strikes you as Extra Dickish, a) rewatch the film! he did act like a bit of a dick, there, didn’t he? b) remember that in the story he’s a young man between the ages of eighteen and twenty five, which in my considerable experience is the age at which young men are generally at their peak of Asshole. sorry dudes

and not that Buttercup herself is a complete peach! she deals very poorly with her emotions in general and acts kinda shitty herself once or twice. i won’t say too much lest i spoil everything that’s different between the film and the book.

Prince Humperdinck is also a more three dimensional character; still a rat bastard tho.

onto Fezzik and Iñigo.

as i have said in other blog posts, these boys are... pretty much the whole reason i sought out the book. and... jesus. 

you get all the way into the tragic backstories that were only hinted at in the film. okay, Iñigo’s backstory was more than hinted- but of course you go so much deeper in the book- and Fezzik’s was less than hinted, reduced mostly to a peek at the insecurity that Vizzini exploits and preys upon to keep him in line. not that you’d have to expend a great effort to him to keep him in line; his personality is docile and non-confrontational. truly not the slightest bit aggressive by nature. he’s also kinda clingy and needy, which is a thousand percent understandable given his childhood, and tbqh doesn’t need to be browbeaten for Vizzini to keep him on his short, cruel leash. which makes it all the more painful! hurrah! 😭

also you actually get to meet Iñigo’s father, Domingo Montoya, in a flashback, aaaand... i kinda love him. probably predictable if you know me.

anyway. tragic backstories. which further illuminate the emotional and psychological issues that make them so dependent on Vizzini, and turn them to lives of crime in his employ. poor boys! oy gevalt. sympathy abounds; i honestly don’t know how you could go through the book and not fall at least a little bit in love with this duo, whose friendship is precious and adorable and a balm to the soul that is aching from their painful life stories and unhealthy coping mechanisms. they’re each, very plainly, the only friend the other has in the world, and are constantly helping and bolstering one another. it’s heartbreakingly sweet. i think those boys will be alright as long as they stick together.

and now, the repeated theme of the book, that is presented with far less intensity in the film: life isn’t fair. which, one supposes, is true. but while the narrator’s framing of that assertion may give you the same misgivings they gave me- bitching about his fat son and his less than ideal relationship with his wife- you can also step back and appreciate it as a wee pearl of wisdom. life is often unfair, but that doesn’t mean it’s altogether bad or that you can’t enjoy it. idk, that’s my attitude, man. 

i could talk about the ending here, but i won’t. at least not too much. not to spoiler-ish-ly. if you don’t want to know anything about the book’s ending at all, feel free to not read the last bit here, except for the very last lines which are bolded.

ready? yes? no?

...

the ending to the book is different than the movie. there is a more philosophical, open ended conclusion than you could really get away with in a movie. at least this movie.

just throwing it out there: i believe in happy endings. ones in real life. but i kind of disagree with the author a little bit, in that i don’t think happy endings necessarily have to be perfect and unblemished to qualify as happy endings. that may be the way “happily ever after” is generally presented, but to me, “happily ever after” means, maybe some shit happened, but none of it was completely devastating, and in the final analysis, life was satisfying. that’s the kind of real life happy ending i’m aiming (and hoping) for. this might sound vague but i hope it’ll make sense if you read the book.

if you wanna do that, btw, i read it for free online at allnovel dot net.

[themurphyzone]

Secret Santa Ch 3

I can’t believe how random the last chapter turned out to be.

Ch 3: Zack

Zack could have easily bought Mort a bag of rocks and the guy enjoy it. But he was a lot more thoughtful than that. Maybe he wouldn’t go to the same lengths as Melissa was with her gift, but surely there was something he could buy that was better than a cheesy Christmas card with a candy cane taped inside.

“Mort, you keep forgetting to check your signs,” Bradley frowned, handing the math worksheet back.

Mort shrugged. “Not really. I know I’m a Libra.”

“I meant on the homework,” Bradley scoffed. “I could care less what zodiac your birthday falls under. That stuff isn’t even true.”

Mort never seemed to be affected by Bradley’s sour mood. At least, not outwardly. Besides Melissa, he was probably the only other person with the ability to hold a decent conversation with Bradley for an extended amount of time.

“Oh. Well, thanks. I was wondering why half of these problems had no solutions,” Mort said as erased his answers.

Bradley rolled his eyes, throwing his backpack over his shoulder. “It’s the stupid mistakes that net you a less than perfect score.”

He left the library, slamming the door behind him, much to the librarian’s disapproval.

“Wow,” Zack said. “Who spit in his milk?”

“Anyone would be upset if they were cursed with a bad hair day because Jupiter was in the third house,” Mort replied. He glanced up, licking his finger and sticking it in the air. “Do you feel that? Suddenly the atmosphere doesn’t seem as doom-and-gloomy as before.”

Unfortunately, Zack was not nearly as adept as reading the atmosphere.

Zack leaned over the large posterboard, carefully tracing over the title with a blue marker. Melissa reviewed her notes over Macbeth, highlighting certain lines in the book that she’d carefully picked out.

“This is torture,” Zack groaned. “How is anyone supposed to understand Shakespeare? There’s too many thees and thous and thys!”

Melissa recapped her highlighter, setting it aside. “Did you buy a copy with the modern translation next to the original text?”

“No, I checked mine out from the library,” Zack muttered.

“And there’s your problem,” Melissa replied. “But getting back on track, we’ll start with the hallucination of the dagger. What’s taking Milo so long with the snacks?”

Five minutes later, Milo came up with two large bags of chips and a pretzel bowl. He was covered in scratch marks from head to toe. “Sorry it took so long,” Milo said. “A squirrel got into our kitchen, and boy was it hungry. Good thing I always keep some pistachios nearby!”

“You didn’t miss much,” Melissa said. “Zack’s still copying the quotes. His handwriting is larger than mine.”

“Not nearly as neat though,” Zack said, moving on to the last quote. “And I was thinking of getting something like fortune telling for Mort. He has that weird thing about chakras and zodiacs.”

Milo glanced over what they had so far. “Can I do the drawings?” he asked.

Melissa tossed him the pencil. “Do it with pencil first. I want this to look good.”

“No problem!” Milo said, his tongue sticking out slightly as he worked on the rough sketch of a dagger dripping blood at the bottom. “Fortune telling, huh? Maybe I can do some fortune telling to give you an idea of what to get Mort!”

“You know how to tell someone’s fortune?” Zack asked.

Milo nodded. “My dad’s coworker’s sister’s friend’s barber’s cousin’s mother is a psychic! Dad took me to visit her once and she gave me a crystal ball so I can practice on my own!” He pulled a crystal ball and a bandana with hoop earrings attached out of his backpack.

“I guess a break couldn’t hurt,” Melissa said, moving the posterboard and snacks aside. She closed the blinds, which dimmed the light in the room.

Milo tied the bandana around his head, setting the crystal ball on a stand between the three of them. He lifted his hands, but was interrupted by a loud scream from downstairs.

Zack didn’t understand what this was supposed to accomplish.

“MILO!” Sara screamed, the door bursting open as she stumbled into the room. “Oh thank the gods of Yalkelvik, you have your fortune telling equipment out.”

“Hey, Sara! I was just about to help Zack decide on his Secret Santa gift to Mort!” Milo exclaimed. “What’s up?”

“You have to help me! It’s a crisis!” Sara begged.

“You don’t mind me helping her first, right?” Milo asked.

Zack waved him on. “Go right ahead. So what’s wrong?”

“Well, you know how the new Dr. Zone Funko Pops were released yesterday?” Sara chewed her lip nervously. “Neal was going to buy me one for Christmas but then Kris wanted me to go to the mall with her so we’re meeting up in two hours and we’re definitely heading to one of the small stores in the main area of the mall where they sell the Funko Pops and I have zero self-control so I’m probably gonna end up buying one-“ she took a deep breath “-and I don’t know which one Neal is going to buy me and I don’t wanna unwrap his gift and say ‘oh I already have this one’ and I just need to know ahead of time which one he’s buying so I know not to purchase it!”

“That does sound like a conundrum!” Milo hummed.

Zack leaned over to Melissa. “He understood all that? She lost me after Christmas.”

“Now gaze into the mists of...” Milo threw his arms out for dramatic emphasis. “…THE CRYSTAL BALL! MWAHAHAHA!”

Milo’s evil laugh was very unconvincing.

“Wait, no that’s the Saturday morning cartoon villain voice. Should I try again with the mystical fortune-teller voice?” Milo asked.

“Just help me decide,” Sara begged.

“Moment’s gone anyway. First, the spirits require something of value. They accept electronics,” Milo said.

Sara handed her cell phone over, and Milo hid it under the tablecloth. “Spirits, I ask you to reveal the Dr. Zone Funko Pop that Neal is planning to buy for Sara Murphy! I must ask all of you to scoot back. They like personal space.”

Sara and Melissa moved back. Zack leaned closer, trying to see what Milo was looking at, but Melissa yanked him away from the crystal ball. “It’s not like anything was there,” Zack said.

“The spirits have decided!” Milo exclaimed. “They’re sending their spooky spiritual waves into our world to link me with Neal!”

Neal appeared in the crystal ball, looking incredibly confused. “Wait, Milo? Where’s Sara? Nice hoops, by the way.”

“Thanks!” Milo exclaimed. “Sara-“ Sara made wild hand gestures. “Er-I wanted to know what Dr. Zone Funko Pop you’re buying her for Christmas so I don’t accidentally get her the same one.”

“Princess Shirazi,” Neal replied. “She kinda reminds me of Sara. You know, with how excited she gets when there’s something she’s really passionate about. Um, you aren’t going to mention that to her, right? Cause it’s kinda embarrassing when I say it out loud.”

Sara blushed, stifling her giggles with one hand.  

“By the way, Sara mentioned she was going to buy me one of the new figures that got released from Space Adventure. And I’m going to the mall in a few hours with Wally and I really need to know which one she’s getting me because Wally’s gonna pressure me into buying me one and I’ll give in like always so…yeah. I need some help,” Neal finished lamely.

Sara wrote a name on a piece of paper and passed it to Milo. Milo grinned. “That’s funny! My sister says she was going to the mall with Kris in a few hours too! What a coincidence! Oh, and she was planning to buy you the Lump Sharkboard figure.”

“Thanks so much,” Neal sighed. “I was worried for a second-wait, did you say she was going to the mall with Kris? Gotta run, I am totally not finding my trenchcoat from my last cosplay to go incognito so she doesn’t recognize me!”

“Bye!” Milo exclaimed.

“So the crystal ball actually worked?” Zack gasped.

Melissa rolled her eyes. “Gullible. He put Sara’s phone in the crystal ball. It was pretty obvious.” She reached inside the tablecloth and extracted the cell phone, giving it back to Sara.

“Sara?” Zack asked, waving his hand in front of her face.

“I’m going to put on oversized sunglasses and a floppy hat so he doesn’t recognize me,” Sara said as she hurried to her room.

Was this what teenage romance looked like? In that case, Zack decided he wanted to maintain his sanity for a while longer.

“They’re made for each other,” Melissa quipped.

“I know right!” Milo exclaimed. “Okay, Zack. Your turn now. Same procedure as before.”

Zack emptied his pockets, only finding a penny inside. He sheepishly offered it to Milo, who refused to take it.

“They have bad inflation in the spirit world,” he said as if that explained everything.

Starting tomorrow, Zack planned to refuse all offers to connect to spirits and psychics.

Zack took off his shoes instead, which Milo accepted. “So what do the spirits say about Mort?”

“Tarot cards,” Milo replied. “They say you need to give him tarot cards so they can tame his moles. I can’t tell if they mean the animal or the spots on skin though. Oh, wait a moment. Sorry, claim his soul. Maybe this was a bad idea.”

“How about I just get Mort an 8-ball instead?” Zack asked. “That’s probably a lot safer and soulsucking risk-free.”  

[seigyokus]

3.1 - A New Project!

Idolish Seven - Part 3, Chapter 3.1 For more Part 3 translations, click here!

Translation below the cut!

Tsukumo Ryou: You are my friend. I don't mind sparing Re:vale, and only Re:vale. But only if you'll strike a deal with me. Momo: ....... Tsukumo Ryou: Yuki can't live in such a tiny, confined world. But in my hands, I'll liquidate every last drop of him into money. Tsukumo Ryou: It's just as you said, Momo. He's a real hottie! You can use every bit of him, down to the bone-- just like high-quality livestock. You can make bags, shoes, soup, and even manure out of him. Tsukumo Ryou: So, what will you do? Momo: ....... Momo: ...You mentioned a deal? Tsukumo Ryou: That big-name will reveal the naked truth of Chiba Salon's existence. Tsukumo Ryou: That in itself is enough, but I want it to be a little more festive. Tsukumo Ryou: I want you to give me the raw voice recording of this confession from Chiba Shizuo's bastard child-- Nikaidou Yamato.

Nanase Riku: We're finally going to announce our first anniversary single during today's concert! Yotsuba Tamaki: I really love this song! I can't wait for everyone to hear it! Rokuya Nagi: Yes! It's a splendid song.... A splendid song that stays with you, in your heart. Izumi Mitsuki: We're finally gonna sing it in front of the fans! ......Oh? Where's Yamato-san?

Nikaidou Yamato: ......Like an artisan, like an artist. Entertainment, literature. Exaggeration, realism. Father, this is all your fault. Nikaidou Yamato: ......Find where you and your role intersect. Bring out the emotions common to both. And to find these emotions, search for similar relationships. Nikaidou Yamato: Never thought the stuff he told me in that house would come in handy........ Father, this is all your fault. Nikaidou Yamato: A perfectionist who was raised under his father's strict discipline, but had wasted away because of it. As for the reason why he killed his lovers and preserved them.... Was it for dominance? Was it out of rebellion? ......No-- it was because he was scared. Nikaidou Yamato: He was scared of parting ways with them. There was no way they'd love him even after finding out what he was really like. He was only able to show his true self and all of his weaknesses before corpses. Nikaidou Yamato: That's right....... There was nobody who'd continue to love him after finding out how ugly and grotesque he was inside. I'm sure they'd hate me too, those guys. Nikaidou Yamato: ....... Nikaidou Yamato: He wants to be loved-- that’s why he's absolutely terrified of losing that love. ......Father, this is all your fault. Nikaidou Yamato: ....... It's all your fault. *click* Rokuya Nagi: Yamato! Hurry up! We're starting soon. Nikaidou Yamato: ...Got it. I'm coming.

Nanase Riku: Good evening! We'll be singing a new song for you all today! Audience: Kyaaaaa..... Nanase Riku: It's a special song, filled with a year's worth of our feelings-- "Sakura Message!" Audience: Kyaaaaa..... Izumi Iori: ......See? Everybody is smiling happily as they listen to Nanase-san sing. Izumi Iori: Nothing about this is sad. You were wrong, old man.

Ogami Banri: "Sakura Message" is selling great so far. Takanashi Tsumugi: It really is! All of the music stores have been putting out lots of CDs for sale. The lyricist contacted me just earlier too. Takanashi Tsumugi: She asked me how things were going post-release, and I told her that the single has been getting great reviews! (1) Ogami Banri: Their solo activities have been going well too, and MEZZO" has stabilized. It'd be nice if they all went on tour after releasing a couple more new songs. Takanashi Tsumugi: Zero Arena's renewal....... Things have been going wonderfully since then, and it's all thanks to that! Ogami Banri: Zero lost a lot of face due to the vandalism uproar, but now that's just another conversation topic. Now, let's keep on advancing forward!

Nanase Riku: "A Lovely Night with IDOLiSH7!" is getting a new project? Show Producer: Yep! Thus far, we've only had you guys help normal people out with challenges, but.... Show Producer: This time we wanna put IDOLiSH7 in the spotlight and have you guys challenge things instead. We've been getting lots of requests to see more of IDOLiSH7, after all. Show Producer: We're thinking about making it a documentary-style, weekly corner where viewers can catch up with you guys and watch your progress. Izumi Mitsuki: So we'll be doing the challenges this time, huh! Since it's gonna be a long-term project, I think we should pick something that can't be done super easily. Osaka Sougo: Re:vale did something similar as well, where they tried their hand at rōkyoku​. It was really interesting watching Yuki-san take on the shamisen. There were lots of tears and lots of laughter. (2) Rokuya Nagi: Hm...... If we want to make the viewers' hearts pound and have them on the edges of their seats, then we ought to venture into uncharted territory and try something we're all weak at. Osaka Sougo: What's something we're all bad at? Yotsuba Tamaki: I'm bad at studying. I hate it too. Izumi Iori: I'm good at it and happen to like it. Nanase Riku: I'm not good at being assertive towards girls.... Rokuya Nagi: I'm very good at that. Osaka Sougo: I don't think I'm very good at getting funny reactions out of people on variety shows. Izumi Mitsuki: I'm pretty used to doing that kind of stuff. You're funny too though, Sougo. Yotsuba Tamaki: ....... Now that I think about it, we kinda fill in the gaps for each other. Nanase Riku: You're right! That's amazing! Yay! Yotsuba Tamaki・Nanase Riku: Yay! Show Producer: Ahaha! See, that's one of the things that's really good about you guys, IDOLiSH7! It's really fun watching you all-- it just cheers me up! Show Producer: Everybody gets along so well, and you're all so lively! That's definitely your selling point, without a doubt. Izumi Mitsuki: We get along well, huh.... Yeah, I guess so. Nikaidou Yamato: ....... Show Producer: You've been awfully quiet today, Yamato-kun. Well, quiet isn't quite right. Kind of intense, I guess? Are you angry......? Nikaidou Yamato: Ah-- Not at all.... Yotsuba Tamaki: It's because you've been reading books on cannibals. That's why you look even scarier than usual. Hurry up and go read a book on nice ramen shop workers already. Nikaidou Yamato: There you go again. You just wanna eat ramen, don't you? Show Producer: Ahaha. Any opinions from you, as the leader? Nikaidou Yamato: How about something that'll make us fight a bit? Everyone likes that sorta stuff, right? Izumi Mitsuki: Hold up, Yamato-san. Couldn't you have phrased that a little better.... Rokuya Nagi: The more trouble we encounter, the more seriously we’ll tackle those problems. A plan like that will allow our friendship to shine through. That's what Yamato's idea was, in other words. Show Producer: I see. So we gotta get the viewers a little nervous in order to pull them in and grab their attention, huh. The harder everybody works, the better. Yotsuba Tamaki: How about instruments? Osaka Sougo: Instruments? Yotsuba Tamaki: Yeah. We usually just sing, but how about instruments? Izumi Mitsuki: Sounds hard, but that could be really interesting! We could do classical music, but also brass band or marching band! Nanase Riku: Making music together with something other than our voices sounds fun! I've always wanted to try playing an instrument! Izumi Iori: We'll be able to show our teamwork, which is a good thing. We could also use it during live performances for IDOLiSH7. Osaka Sougo: I want to try playing with everyone. I've had some experience with an instrument before, so I'll put that knowledge to use. Show Producer: There's tons of people learning how to play instruments right now, so let's go with this idea! We'll be giving it our all, and I look forward to working with you guys! Nanase Riku: Of course! We look forward to working with you too!

Nanase Riku: Performing with everyone sounds really fun! I wonder what kind of project it'll be? Nanase Riku: Well, I have time to kill, so I'll go shopping. Ah, the cakes at that shop look really good! Maybe I'll buy one for Manager! Inumaru Touma: ....... Nanase Riku: ......!? That person's crouching down....... Maybe he feels sick? Nanase Riku: Um, are you okay? Inumaru Touma: ....... Nanase Riku: He.... He was crying......? Nanase Riku: Huh...? Wait….... I feel like I've seen this person somewhere before.... 

To be continued....

TL Notes/comments:

I THOUGHT NEXT UPDATE WAS GONNA BE 27TH ISH BUT I THOUGHT WRONG AND NOW I AM A LOT BEHIND SCHEDULE, if they release next installment on the 17th, I’ll do my best to tl everything out so far before then!!! 

THANK YOU KURI FOR CATCHING MY STUPID TYPOS x999, and also for helping me work out a phrase (either in this part or the next one, idr)

(1) used 'she' as pronoun here because all 3 lyricists who have worked with i7/trg/re:v are all female! Or at least that’s my reasoning, idk if the in-story composers are different tho \o/ 

(2) Rōkyoku​ is Japanese narrative singing accompanied by a shamisen. Read more about it here! 

As usual, if you see any mistakes/mistranslations/etc, please message me!

Thank you for reading!!

[kapanbenernya]

Horizon: Zero Dawn -- There’s Only One or Two Giant Dinosaurs

Did you know that I own a PS4? Of course you don’t, why the fuck should you care? I’m literally a stranger on the internet that communicates to you via an internet post floating on the information superhighway like a piece of turd lost in the everflowing sea of turds in a septic tank. But enough rambling on the subject of human feces and back to the topic at hand, I own a PS4.

I used to own the PS2 and I remember having a CD holder shaped like a thick book that holds all my PS2 DVDs, and I remember it being filled to the brim until I have to double-stack the DVDs or else it won’t fit. So why did I bring this up? Because I want to compare that to my PS4 library which consists of 4 blu-rays. No I’m not fucking kidding, I only got 4 games, two of which are a copy of Bloodborne that I had to buy twice because I bought the wrong fucking region and the DLC won’t connect. 

Maybe right now you’re asking yourself, “What’s with the rambling man?” and well... Here’s the thing, I’m gonna be honest from the start: I wasn’t that into Horizon: Zero Dawn (HZD). I bought it just as a filler, to bulk up my library of PS4 exclusives. So yes, I just wasted two paragraphs explaining that I didn’t buy HZD because I think I’ll enjoy it, I bought HZD just to own it and maybe get a kick out of it or two.

Oh well, let’s talk about the game anyway

In this game, you play as Aloy, a woman without a mother in a tribe that places value on matriarchy, which is why she is branded an outcast by her tribe. Wait what? Doesn’t matriarchal society puts more privilege and power on women? So why was she shunned? She’s a woman! Shouldn’t she be given power instead of you know, kicked out?

Something tells me this tribe doesn’t respecc whamen as much as they think they do

But Aloy isn’t all alone in this cold cruel robotic world, she’s got a foster dad whose name I already forgot. I mean it’s not my fault, he’s not that important anyway. All he does is teach Aloy everything she ever knew so that she can go to the yearly outcast acceptance tryouts, nothing important there. Sarcasm aside, it’s still kinda true that his only purpose in the game is to be the plot advancing sacrificial lamb. No spoiler alert needed! His death flag has been raised ever since he become the parental figure of the protagonist, kinda like Batman’s parents or Uncle Ben. 

But no worries, his sacrifice wasn’t in vain because Aloy finally gets accepted into the tribe! By virtue of being the sole survivor of the test because some tribe of edgy fuckboys killed everybody else. And not long after, some killer robots showed up at the door, late to party and and thrashed the place up some more. With the tribe left in tatters, Aloy is appointed as a scout and sent into the world to figure out the threat that looms over the world. Also, Aloy may or may not have been born from a mountain and now have a personal quest of finding out about her origin. And if she had extra time, probably find out whatever it is the old Shaman smoked until she came to the flawless logic that mountains can give birth to humans.

The threat is, as usual: robots gone apeshit

Have I mentioned that the setting of the world is a post-apocalyptic world where people formed tribes and most animal have been replaced by robots? So yeah, two very important aspect of the HZD world. Anyway, the robots and the humans live happily among each other, and by that I mean they kill each other every time their gaze meet. But so far, things have been manageable as long as the humans stay the fuck away from the robot’s territory and vice versa. 

Let me explain about the robots a bit. The robots are various versions of wild animal replacements: stags, bulls, leopards, hawks, saber-toothed tigers, giant fire-breathing chickens, and 30-foot tyrannosaurus rex with frickin’ laser beams.

We all know the mastermind behind the fucking dino, don’t we?

As you can see from my incomplete list alone, the robot variety is rather robust. And the variety is supported by the uniqueness of each robot species. Every robot has different weaknesses based on elements and since the design of each robots is largely varied, the locations of the weak points can be very different. I can see the love and care that went into designing each species, and it shows. Although I gotta admit the herbivores are kind of boring when compared to the carnivores. The herbivores are kinda samey and lame, all you get to do is maybe ride it to town and turn some primitive heads. Meanwhile, the carnivore’s got all the nice toys. The kind of toys that shoots laser and kills people. And guess what? You can shoot the turret off with an arrow then you can pick it up and fire it up their tail pipes.

Now I gotta say, the first time I see the robots, I was like “fuckin’ sold, this shit is G U C C I”. But then after I actually play the game and have come face to face with a lot of them, I wasn’t into them anymore. I don’t know why, but I find the enemies boring after a while. Perhaps its because somehow I find fighting the animal bots has become a chore and not a fun activity to do. I mean the animal bots tend to flock together, so you’re almost always outnumbered, and the bots usually can kill you in a few smacks. This results in a lot of untimely deaths during what I thought would be a sunny stroll in the meadows. Also I think the big machines have too much health. As you can see, I don’t think this is a good thing, the same way a rubber tire isn’t an excellent snack just because you can chew it longer. However, you can actually make all of these problems go away if you choose to stealth it up and crouch like the little bitch that YOU ARE. Hey, dev-person-man-guy-thing, nobody in their right mind looks at a robot T-Rex and say, “Boy, I can’t wait to stealth crouch around this bad boy”. You know what we wanna do? We wanna ride it, or kill it, or ride it AND THEN kill it. Maybe take down a few rival tribes in the process.

And that’s just the fuckin animal bots, there’s also the war bots that looks like a cereal box that grew spider legs. Not only is it visually boring, it’s also plays like shit. Either you have to go play hide and seek with it or it’ll blast you with piss like you’re a really tough shit-stain on the toilet bowl. But the worst of the worst has got to be the human enemies. Fucking hell, in a world filled with creative animal robots, adding human enemies will just bring the standard down. They’re boring to look at, boring to fight against, and just plain stupid. I hate how the so-called “stealth kill” alerts every motherfucker in the area. I hate how you can’t stealth kill the “elite enemies” until you unlock a certain skill. In short, I just hate humans in general.

Not in real life, mind you, I’m a God-fearing peace loving man of the people, man.

Great, since I’ve run out of places to spank HZD, I’m just gonna randomly list all of its best parts.

I like how we can grab some healing items that can be used on-the-go in an instant, and I like how it can be easily found in the wilds like some drive-through salad. What I don’t think I like is how the plants aren’t that easy to differentiate from one another. I mean if I’m gonna make a jump, roll, tumble, and scoot myself down a goddamn hill while dodging lasers fired from a turret mounted on a 20-foot robot tyrannosaurus, that plant better be the healing plant instead of that useless resist fire plant. 

Another thing I like about the game is the weapons. There are quite a variety of weapons at your disposal, and it’s the good kind of variety. The kind of variety that makes each weapon had a distinct feel and different purpose, and I like them all. My favorite is the the tripwire weapon that’s the greatest thing since the invention of fire. The sleeper hit was the sling that I thought was shit but it’s actually great because it can fire ice projectiles that immobilizes the big enemies and freeze their armor. 

This very very tight weapon system is also supported by your ability to craft ammo on the fly. This might seem like a trivial thing, but hear me out now: by enabling you to craft ammo mid-fight, the game makes sure that the pace isn’t halted by the fucking menu screen and you get to keep your focus and maintain the flow of the battle. Because you know what kills my combat boner when I’m in a middle of a tense fight against robot dinosaurs? Having to pause the game and open up the crafting tab because my arrows ran out.

That’s it, that’s about everything I can say about my experience playing the game. There are some things that I actually left out of my review like the world design, the characters, etc. It’s because I think that it’s not that important to mention or it’s just mildly mediocre and not worth reviewing.

In Brief

What’s wrong with me? Do I not like video games anymore? 10 years ago, all I had to do was fire up my PS2, boot up GTA: San Andreas and just grab a bike and cycle from Los Santos to Las Venturas and I was having fun. 5 years ago I finished Dark Souls after 2 years of git gud, and I didn’t let the difficulty break me. Now I’ve got a game filled with creative and challenging enemies, a big open world to explore, and a fuckin robot dinosaur for God’s sake. Why didn't I have fun with it? I don’t think I have an immediate answer for it, but at least I know there’s two possibilities. One, is that I AM actually losing my touch and I’m not that into video games anymore. Probably all this adult thing and living my life that’s gotten in the way. The other one is that my tastes has actually gotten better with time, and now I notice the intricacies and can distinguish whether a game is good or bad, and I simply did not want to waste my limited time with games that I didn’t really like that much, including HZD.

I guess we can learn something from the animal robot designs. No matter how well you design an element of a game; visually or audibly, it won’t be appreciated as much if it does not add much to the gameplay --or worse-- plays like shit. Because you ARE making a game, and all the elements that you design will ultimately be judged from how it feels as a game. You can paint the robots with naked titties, but if they’re boring to fight, people will still think of them as badly designed. As for the case of the war bots and the human enemies? Dogshit.

9/10/2018