#hes like please dont say edward cullen that guy was lame

[askbatfang]

”hello, you remind me of someone..” -bloodthorn

Images of hot, famous vampires flash in his mind. He hopes he reminds Bloodthorn of one of those.

[euovennia]

Mate

Summary: In which Carlisle finds his mate with the subtle guidance of Alice.

Pairing: fem!reader x Carlisle Cullen

Word Count: 1,860

"Slow down, Alice! There's no need to be this excited, it's just skating." Rosalie remarked with a bored expression as she and the rest of the Cullen family struggled to keep up with the tiny woman.

"Maybe it is just skating, but we haven't had a family outing like this in forever, Rose! Trust me when I say this is good for us, it'll be unforgettable." Alice spoke, a mix of mischief and excitement glimmering in her golden eyes. Jasper came towering beside her and wrapped an arm around her small frame, "Just what are you planning, darlin'?" Alice only smiled before quickly escaping his grasp and continuing bouncing her way toward the entrance of the skating rink as the small group attempted to rid themselves of the uncomfortable nagging feeling in the back of their minds.

Something was going to happen, but no one knew what.

With the door held open by Alice, the family quickly filed into the building before being dragged over to the check-out counter where an older man stood hunched over the counter as he kept his eyes trained on a small TV in the corner of the counter. His calm exterior fumbled momentarily as the sound of the entrance door slamming shut behind the rather large group snapped him out of his focus. He quickly straightened himself out as he painted a warm smile onto his face, "Well hello there folks, what can I do for you?"

At this, Alice quickly pushed a surprised Carlisle to the front of the group. Feeling awkward, he quickly clasped his hands in front of him as he looked directly at the man who was patiently awaiting a response, "Hello. My family and I were interested in doing some skating. Perhaps for an hour or two."

The man turned to look down at his wristwatch before changing his attention to Carlisle once again, "Of course, but I have to say that there's gonna be about a ten-minute wait. I can get you all situated with your skates and take you down to the observation room while you wait. If that's alright, of course."

Carlisle glanced back at his family and upon receiving one enthusiastic reply from Alice and a shrug from Edward before he turned to the man, "Yes, that'll work out fine."

With their skates in hand, the Cullen clan followed the man down a long, brightly lit hallway before reaching a set of worn-in blue metal doors. The doors let out a loud creak as they were pushed open by the man. As the group filed inside the cold room, they were met with an intensely fast-paced tune composed of numerous cellos. They glanced at one another, the uncomfortable feeling slowly beginning to blossom in their bodies further with the exception of Alice who stood there with a large, expectant grin on her pale face. Realization dawned on Rosalie as she caught sight of her sister's face and she harshly grabbed her wrist as she spoke in a low tone, "What the hell are we doing here, Alice?" Ignoring her harsh, venom-filled tone Alice only shrugged. Huffing, Rosalie returned to Emmett's side as she crossed her arms. Sensing the tension that was growing between his adoptive children, Carlisle turned to the old man who was looking out a window that was faced outward toward the skating rink. "Is there a specific reason for the music?"

The man looked back at Carlisle and wordlessly motioned him to stand by his side. Carlisle furrowed his brows together in slight confusion but walked over by the man as requested. Eyes focused on the glass window in front of him, Carlisle watched as a woman feverishly skated around the rink with a heightened sense of grace and elegance that could rival that of his own family. He found himself enthralled with the precise and quick movements coming from the mysterious woman and found himself letting out an unnecessary breath as he asked, "Who is that?"

The old man kept his eyes trained on the woman's skating figure as he answered, "I don't know much about her if I'm being honest. All I know is that she's a pro skater and that her coach is pretty strict." Carlisle reluctantly tore his gaze away from the woman and glued them to the man beside him, "Coach?" The man nodded as he turned to face Carlisle fully, "Yeah. That guy over there." He spoke as he lamely motioned to the left side of the rather large rink. Carlisle's gaze settled on a well-built man with medium brown hair that was immaculately styled with calculating and judgmental eyes that seemed to rake over every movement of the female skater.

As Carlisle's gaze went to settle on the woman once again, he was pulled from his thoughts as his adoptive children had grown an apparent interest in Carlisle's overly observant attitude. "What're you looking at, pops?" Emmett spoke loudly causing Carlisle to cringe at both the nickname and volume of his voice. "Nothing, Emmett. Just looking around the rink is all." Rosalie scoffed, "Seems to me like you were checking out something special," Her gaze quickly turned to the woman who was effortlessly gliding across the ice, "Or someone." It was at this moment where Carlisle knew that if he was still capable of blushing, his face would be on fire. "She seems to be very talented, it's eye-catching." Esme gently defended. "Well, the music is a bit obnoxious." Rosalie muttered. "A flair for the dramatics never hurt anyone." Edward mused. "Oh please, all you know how to do is be dramatic." Rosalie fired back, her annoyance growing with each passing second.

Carlisle watched the scene unfold in front of him with weariness in his eyes as he gave a small nod toward Jasper who then unleashed a subtle calming effect on everyone present. Unable to fight back the sudden wave of calmness she felt, Rosalie let out a deep breath before walking away with Emmett trailing behind her, ready to calm her down further if needed. Relaxing his posture slightly, he turned to face the old man. "I apologize. My family, unfortunately, do not see eye to eye on everything." The man simply waved off his apology. "I used to be a family man myself. No worries. Anyhow, I best be getting back to the front desk. As soon as those two get out, feel free to hop on in." He said before giving the family a departing wave and walking away.

Carlisle watched him disappear behind the rusty blue doors before directing his attention back to the now-empty ice rink. He felt his undead heart fall to the pit of his stomach as one question raced through his mind: Where did she go?

His question was quickly answered as the doors leading to the rink opened and the man and woman walked in speaking in what Carlisle could make out to be French-based on his rather limited knowledge. He watched with great interest as the man and woman went back and forth with their conversation.

"Vous vous déplacez trop lentement dans certains domaines. Vous devez l'accélérer." (tr: You move too slow in some areas. You need to speed it up.) The man spoke, his tone a bit rough and body language that gave off the impression that he was annoyed. The woman seemed a bit exasperated as she responded, "Je sais que oui, mais je me sens épuisé. Donnez-moi juste un jour de repos, c'est tout ce dont j'ai besoin. Je serai mieux après, je te le promets!" (tr: I know I do, but I feel exhausted. Just give me one rest day, that's all I need. I'll be better after, I promise!) Once finished speaking, the man turned to her and shoved a finger in her face as he spoke quickly and sternly, an annoyed expression present on his face. "Non. Vous ne vous améliorez qu'avec une pratique constante. Pas de jours de repos pour vous. Arrête de demander." (tr: No. You only get better with consistent practice. No rest days for you. Stop asking.) The woman seemed disheartened by his attitude as she crossed her arms and simply nodded. The man let out a sigh as he ran a hand through his hair, "Pardon. Juste ... Habillez-vous. Nous devons partir." (tr: Sorry. Just...Get dressed. We need to leave.) The man tore his gaze from the woman in front of him and was surprised to see a large group of pale people awkwardly trying to pretend as though they weren't just eavesdropping. A light pink color dusted his cheeks as he pulled his jacket closer to his frame. "My apologies. Just a small disagreement. Have fun on the ice." He said, an awkward smile on his face as he walked out of the cold room.

With the door slamming shut behind him, the woman looked up at the family, her eyes quickly moving over the appearance of all of them, her gaze lingering on a certain blonde doctor for a second longer before speaking, "Sorry to take up all the ice. It's just that people normally don't come here." At the sound of her soft voice, Carlisle looked away from the door where the man had once gone through and fixed his eyes on the beauty in front of him.

She had dark brown hair that was thrown up to an elegantly messy bun with two fallen wisps of hair that worked to frame her face perfectly. Her eyes were a few shades lighter than her hair whereas her perfectly arched eyebrows matched her hair color perfectly. He found himself admiring her long eyelashes that beautifully fluttered with every blink and her long, slim nose that sat perfectly on her face. He admired the light pink color that stained her lips and cheeks, a glorious reminder for Carlisle of the humanity that remained within the woman before him.

"Dad!"

Carlisle looked over at Alice who had a knowing grin on her face as she motioned with her head toward the woman. He looked back at her, "I just wanted to know if you were alright. You seemed a little...Out of it."

At the sound of her melodic voice, Carlisle gave her a warm smile. "Yes. I do that sometimes. Sorry to concern you." The woman returned his smile as she spoke, "It's fine. We all have our moments." Carlisle nodded as his smile stayed painted on his face. After a few moments, the woman spoke again, "It was nice seeing you all, but I must get going. Have fun." Carlisle's face fell at her admission and he nearly reached out to stop her but restrained himself from doing so. "Of course. Have a wonderful day." With a final smile, she gave the group a nod of acknowledgment before taking her leave.

"What was that?" Jasper spoke once the doors shut behind the woman. Carlisle could feel his undead heart clench as he uttered the next two words,

"My mate."

[ac-ars]

Come on, bite him

as you all may know, i am a ridiculous person and it made me write this

i hope you enjoy it as much as i did

also, proofread? i dont know her

“Could you please explain me why I agreed on this?” Luna pouts a little, fixing the cape he gave her and wondering how ridiculous she has to look right now.

“We need to get my lame best friend out of the house for the party, of course. Have you even listened to me, little Luna?” Now it’s time for Gastón to pout at her. He sighs deeply and opens the door of the car to leave. “You promised me you would help and now you are being like this? Why are you being like this? Do you hate me?”

Luna growls slightly and he smiles. “Perfect. I knew you would be perfect for this role. Now take your pretty butt out of the car and follow me, because we can’t be late.”

She rolls her eyes, but takes the hand Perida offered a second ago. “I hope you won’t leave any green on me. Gastón, I don’t want to be Hulk just like you.”

He closes the door violently and stomps one of his feel. “I am not Hulk. I told you. I am playing…”

“Yeah, yeah,” she interrupts him, “you are playing Frankenstein. I have heard it already like a million times.”

“Apparently not enough.” He pouts more. The fake wrinkle on his forehead gets even deeper. On his green forehead it looks hilarious. “How did I tell you to call me?”

“Ugh, this is ridiculous. Why can’t you just get there and tell him to get dressed, Gastón-” he clears his throat with raised eyebrows. “-stein.” Luna adds, slapping her forehead.

When he called her two days ago, saying that Matteo didn’t want to go to the halloween costume party Luna wasn’t sure why it’s so important to go there. Besides, she had already asked him before and he had always told her that he would be studying, so she gave up. But clearly, Gastón(stein) won’t give up on his second half, on the another star in their binary, on the strawberry to his chocolate and whatever. He won’t give up, no matter what Matteo said he would be doing.

Perida immediately told her what he was gonna do and at first the idea seemed fun, until Luna thought about it more than three seconds. He planned to get in his costume, come to Benson mansion to give Luna makeover of her lifetime and use her as bargaining chip. That’s how she ended up being a vampire tonight. He still believes it’s gonna work, he is sure and Luna doesn’t wanna to take it away from him. After all no one has ever done as great make up as Gastón did plus the red lipstick he chose is perfect and he hasn’t told her what shade it was, probably to keep her with the plan.

“Okay, stop here now.” He rests his hands on her shoulders and she almost shivers. “We need to figure out what now.” “What?” She whispers-yells to him and jumps in the place irritated. “You don’t know what to do? You said you had everything figured!”

Gastón sighs again and messes his hair a little, making it look a little more believable. His suit isn’t really helping, but Luna likes this version of Frankenstein the most of them all. “Because I do, little Luna, but not yet in what order. First of all!” He jumps, excited as hell and searches for something in his backpack. After long two minutes he pulls out of it small black box and Valente rolls her eyes again, not sure if he could’ve done it more dramatically.

“You need to have this. I kept it for the last moment.”

She actually gets excited, hoping it will be some sparkly jewelry or something, but when she opens it she finds only fake vampire fangs. “What the hell, Gastón?”

He looks at her offended, but she can’t care about his silly nickname for tonight. “Put them into your mouth, it feels even funny.” Luna stares at him with wide eyes and he starts shaking his head. “I haven’t tried those, you silly! You are lucky that I love you, because if it were someone else I would. By the way, really keep them. It can help with your real teeth when Ambar decides to punch you.”

She nods quickly, hiding the box to her purse and Gastón giggles so much at her. “What?” she asks. “Nothing, you are just… just… you are so pale, Matteo will think that you are real vampire.” He manages to mumble through his laugh and she wants to kick him. “Ambar won’t punch you. She will probably try to be some hot witch, charming everyone’s wands, if you know what I mean.”

Luna blinks at him, not believing and he shakes his head at her. “Anyway,” she hums a little, “do you know what to do if Matteo doesn’t want to go with us?”

“Of course. This I prepared for. I have pizza flavored Bake Rolls. Who would tell them no? Plus I made sure to not take garlic. You look hot, please smile and conquer the world with me, little moon.”

She nods softly and takes the hand he offered her, leading her towards Matteo’s house. This is gonna be long night.

It’s Gastón who knocks to the door and woman, whom he calls María, looks at them surprised and, saying nothing, invites them inside. Luna’s short, black dress is kinda distracting her since the taffeta of the skirt looks super extra, but she guesses that’s how vampires dress. He stole all silver rings from Ambar and putting it on Valente’s fingers like stupid, saying that if Simón turns out to play a werewolf puppy, he would at least stay away. Luna was truly offended at this comment, but Gastón was just grinning and giggling from time to time saying that this is gonna be fun.

Her heels are making quiet sound, which sounds loud as fuck in the hall of this weird mansion. It still looks warmer than Benson one, and bless the stars for that. She stays too long watching around, because between one blink and the other, Gastón is turned away from her and smiling towards the left.

“Hello Mrs and Mr Balsano. It’s very nice evening, isn’t it?” He grins and pokes Luna who just waves at them.

“Gastón, it’s… really nice to see you now… like this.” Matteo’s mom tries to smile, hiding her surprise.”

Luna clears her throat. “It’s Gastonstein, actually. His stage name or whatever is it.”

Perida looks at her like freshly adopted puppy and she is giving him his own new toy, but that doesn’t really last long. “And who are you? I believe that you are a friend too.” The guy Luna found creepy at first asks, with actually warm voice and she guesses that this way of meeting Matteo’s parents she has never expected.

“Ah, this is Luna.” Gastón shrugs.

“Luna?” Mrs Balsano asks.

“Yes, Luna. You know, the one Matteo kissed on one competition; the one he cried after when you moved to Italy for vacation; the one he dramatically gave up on when you wanted to send him to Oxford…”

“Gastón enough.” All three of them says and Perida looks almost sad, so Luna softly pats his back. She sighs softly, smiling and waving again. “We came here to take Matteo for the party.” She doesn’t get to say anything more, because Gastón speaks again.

“We are here to make a vampire out of your son if you don’t mind.”

“And how are you going to do that?” Matteo’s dad asks, visibly amused and Gastón doesn’t change his serious face even for a second. “Luna is going to bite him, of course. She’s a real vampire after all.”

She slaps her forehead, not sure if those people will ever want over their place, they will probably think she’s crazy. Before more damage is done she just pokes Gastón. “We are in hurry. Come on.”

He nods and takes her hand, looking at Matteo’s parents. “Don’t worry. We won’t make Edward Lame Cullen out of him.”

“Knock, knock!” Gastón yells and opens the door to Matteo’s bedroom without any knocking.

“What the fuck, bro, why the hell are you Frankenstein?” Balsano asks loudly and, from what Luna can hear, because she can’t see, something falls to the ground.

“Ha! See?” Perida turns to the door to see Luna. “He knew it! He loves me more than you.”

“What are you talking to, Gastón?”

“To a vampire.” He answers and Luna snorts. This is too much for her nerves.

“What vampire?” Matteo sighs and she can imagine his face already while Gastón pouts again. He probably took it from her. “Listen, bro. I know you said no, so it’s time for me to take the things in my own hands. We are gonna change you into a vampire.”

“We?” The owner of this room asks and Luna wants to leave, she will stumble on those heels and break her leg or die. Gastón rubbed off on her as well definitely. “Who we?”

“Me and my little vampire here, of course. Come here.” He throws his arm around her shoulders and pulls her inside. Matteo seems to be almost pale when he notices her and she wants to throw up despite not drinking any alcohol yet.

“Luna…” The Italian starts slowly. “You are a vampire?” She sighs and nods, moving her skirt a little and the red cape, and noticing how his eyes stop on her red lips. Luna isn’t sure if she should bless or kick Gastón for that, because the part that isn’t anxious, really likes that.

“She is and you will be vampire too!”

“Why would I?” Matteo leans back on his chair and laces his fingers, watching them intently.

“Because some broom-headed bass player sold me info that Simón is going to be a werewolf and you obvious should be vampire. They are natural opponents or some shit. That’s very dramatic.”

Balsano shakes his head. “I’d say that it’s very Twilight-like. I won’t sparkle.”

“Ew no, Twilight, no. It will be more Vampire Diaries-like.”

Luna jumps into, leaning against the desk and turns to Gastón. “Which brother would Matteo be?”

“Which one you like better?” They both ask at the same time and she chokes. This is getting very interesting with every passing second. She lets them wait for a moment, not really wondering about that.

“He can be Stefan. He looks more like him.” Leaves her mouth and Gastón mumbles small: “and is pure softie like Stefan.” Luna frowns and pokes him on the ribs. “Leave him alone, he’s better than Damon.”

Matteo’s friend raises his hands, giving up. “Whatever you want, it’s your vampire, not mine.” Balsano clears his throat. “I would like to ask now… Just by the way, completely by curiosity. What did you offer Nico for the information?”

Gastón giggles. “I told him that I would pay for his new haircut at my hairdresser.” Luna snorts and he continues. “I also have more informations.”

“How?” She asks and he winks at her. “Ambar is a witch.”

“Well, we’ve known that for months already.” Matteo shrugs and Gastón highfives him. “I meant her costume. I lowkey seduced her goth blonde friend. If I tried with the Benicio Italian guy I’m not sure I would be able to resist so the blondie was it. Anyway, we need to make a vampire out of you here, like you see Luna ended up being perfect vampire to help me with that.”

“And how are you two going to do that?” Matteo asks and his best friend just smirks, clapping his hands. “She will bite you, how else?”

Luna shivered, because it sounds even dumber right now, when Matteo is watching her with something weird in the eyes until Gastón pushes his arm slightly. “I was joking. I mean, I know you would enjoy that, but this time we need to do it normally.”

He starts taking all stuff out of his backpack like makeup and even the costume and the pizza Bake Rolls at the end, leaving them on Matteo’s desk. Said Matteo takes them immediately. “How did you know, bro?”

“I always know what you want, we are soulmates of course. Now, Luna, how do you think, do we need to give him some lipstick or you will share yours with him? Oh, and Matteo, if you are nice tonight maybe she will bite you eventually.”

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 2]

So it turns out I’m a dirty liar who can’t get his act together in a timely fashion. But at least I’m here now! And, boy, is this a chapter!

Just as a heads-up, things get a little sexual in this chapter, and consent isn’t established beforehand, so it does read as a bit iffy. 

Recap: Sixteen-year-old Atlantiana Rebekah Loren, referred to by the nickname “Tiaa” with two As for some reason, has just started school in Forks. She’s living with new foster parents who we haven’t met yet. Also she is ethereal and smells like mint and cinnamon. The chapter ended with her bumping into Edward on the way to class.

Chapter 1

AN - VINCENT or watever ur name is thanx 4 the LAME reviw. u totall D*** no one is MAKIN u reed this fic if you dont like it then leave.

I actually really like this fic, so I shan’t be leaving. Also, Vincent’s review was actually fairly positive; he said it’s awful and he’d like to see more of it, please.

Clestal zodiac and brittany j - thanx for the advice on my character but shes not a marysue, she's not "perfect" look she has anger problems and she looks the way she does 4 a reason i will explain it as the story goes on.

Both of these reviewers called Tiaa a Mary Sue and one linked her to a Mary Sue litmus test. 

I probably don’t need to say it, but Mary Sues don’t need to be perfect, just presented unrealistically. Sure, stereotypical examples are all gorgeous, multitalented teenage girls who steal the spotlight from the canon cast (Tiaa’s basically that stereotype, possibly minus the multitalented bit since that’s not been established yet), but there are loads of Mary Sue characters who don’t fit that mold exactly, or at all. I talked about the “anger problems” thing last time, and even if her looks are justified (spoilers: they aren’t, really) they’re still being dwelled on way too much. We don’t know much of anything about Forks, Tiaa’s peers, or even Edward, but we know Tiaa smells like mint and cinnamon. It’s a classic case of an author being so invested in a character that her priorities as a writer are completely off. Or it would be if this wasn’t a trollfic.

Chapter 2 - edward

The anger faded form my sapphire eyes

"whatevah" i said sweatily "I didnt mean to yell and to be ride”

My initial thought was that the author meant “sweetly” instead of “sweatily,” but I actually think “sweatily” works better because Tiaa’s probably perspiring over how hot the pale guy is. Also, come to think of it, you can totally say something sweatily and I think it’s an adverb we should all be using more often.

"thou are too beuatiful for that" he said, and for once I didnt feel like cockdropping the guy for paying me a compilement, instead I just smiled.

You see what I mean about how incredible this fic’s prose is? We just went from mangled Ye Olde English to “cockdropping” in the course of a single sentence.

No idea what “cockdropping” means but it definitely ought to be a word. BeckyMac666 is the next Shakespeare or Carroll, honestly. Voice of a generation right here.

"I'm Ewdard Cullen" he mermered "who are thee?”

Get used to that typo; Edward gets called “Ewdard” a hell of a lot in this story. Think Enoby from “My Immortal.”

"Altatntiana Loren but you can call me Tiana or mabye Tiaa" i said feeling shy at the way he was looking at me. 

That typo, on the other hand, only happens once to my recollection.

I had seen THAT look in so many male eyes but never quite as intense or sexy! His eyes burned like hot gold velvet in the midday sun like peonix feathers and rainbows, so gold and magical.

There’s a lot happening in that simile. Possibly too much. 

"thou reminds me of bygone times" he said, carefully retching out a shaking hand and brushing my cheek "thy face is like an old painting, thou is exceptional""

And thou art poorly written, Ewdard.

Not sure how I feel about the mental image of Edward vomiting up a hand and brushing Tiaa’s cheek with it, but it probably did improve the sentence.

"your not so shanky yourself but i couldn't help noticing you have a fricking GF, you ass! I saw u with her in the cafeteria!" 

Shanky?

Just for fun, and in case anyone reading this avoided exposure to Twilight itself, let me talk a little about Edward’s portrayal so far. First off, the Ye Olde English makes no sense — Edward was bitten after falling ill during the 1918 swine flu pandemic, if memory serves, so his speech would be modern (albeit antiquated) English even assuming he didn’t pick up any phrases from being around modern teens. Second off, Edward is really disinterested in… well, everyone but Bella, and with Bella he initially freaks out because he doesn’t know how to deal with being attracted to a human. (Do I date her? Do I suck her blood?) Even if I go with the notion that he’s also into Tiaa, we know this isn’t how he behaves around someone he likes. And he’s a mind-reader, so presumably he knows what Tiaa’s thinking and could shift his behavior accordingly — except that I have a bad feeling Tiaa, like Bella, is immune from having her mind read.

The flowery descriptions are straight outta Twilight, though.

I notched his hand hard with my long black nails.

Sounds painful.

"thee DID notice me then?" he purred with a sly grin. 

I mean… it’s a small school, it’s not weird that she saw you. Someone so pale he looks like printer paper tends to stand out. Also she never claimed not to have noticed him.

I was up against the wall with his face right close to me now. He wanted to sex me I could tell, and suddenly he was kissing me! 

The boy wastes no time, I see. Be nice if he asked first, but… in a fic like this, I don’t know what I was expecting.

Side note: yes, this is incredibly out of character. Edward is a save-it-for-marriage kind of guy, and he’s got practical reasons — the strength difference between a vampire and a human means it’s easy for somebody (the human) to get accidentally hurt.

I felt like my slim legs would break in half and my heart expanded like a big balloon. 

Can’t say that I either understand or relate to that.

I fell his hand sliding softly down my neck an underneath my top. 

By this point I think we’ve moved beyond “tempation.”

He stoked my breasts for a few minutes and his man-carrot standing in action and hard as a rock against my legs. 

His… man-carrot. What a fic this is!

And then he ripped my top and pulled it of me and doped it on the floor. 

I can’t really say anything to make this sillier except that I think all this is still happening in the locker room of a public high school. Also they just met.

We made out for 10 minutes and then he tried to take of my bra but I pushed him away suddenly thinking WTF Tiaa are you just gonna let this total stranger take your cloths off in school where anyone could see you? 

It took her ten minutes to think of this? I mean… I’ll cut her some slack, they are (presumably) alone, she’s only sixteen, and she’s very attracted to this guy. But c’mon, how did it take her this long to think “wait a minute, maybe it’s bad to engage in foreplay at school with a guy I just met who is dating somebody else”?

I'd never let a guy kiss me before or touch me and suddenly I was letting this cheating sicko with a FRICKIN GF grope me just cause he was uber hawt with sexoy hair and cold as death! 

Why is his coldness being treated as a selling point here?

I was acting like a biatch and a slut and I was suddenly very ashamed of my actions.

To be fair, she didn’t really do anything. He instigated, and she just… went along with it, I guess. I wouldn’t be that ashamed. He’s the one with the girlfriend.

-BASTARD! Never touch me again!" i gapsed

"If thou thinks thou can keep thou hands of me!" he answered all smug, and I couldn't believe how he made me feel so angry and so aroosed at the same time. 

I too think it’s hot when random boys start undressing me in public and then act like it’s my fault somehow while speaking in bad Ye Olde English! So aroosing!

(I’m joking. Please no one do this to me. I will call my lawyer.)

At that moment I'd never HATED anyboy more in my whole life and the worst part of it was he was SO FREAKIN HAWT I was totally creaming my panties and he NEW it, this was horible! 

Really didn’t need to know the panties bit.

I felt disguised with myself and turned to leave.

"Wait! I need to speck to thee! I no your secret tiaa"he said in a quiet voce gassing into my eyes "your one of my kind. who made thee ?are you part of a coven or on thou own?

So Edward thinks Tiaa’s a vampire? While that could potentially explain some things, it also raises a hell of a lot more questions.

Like… maybe Edward felt justified in coming on strong thinking Tiaa was a vampire and therefore on equal footing with him (as opposed to how he acts with Bella). Doesn’t really fit with his character, but I’ll go with it. But Tiaa doesn’t appear to be a vampire, and so this… complicates things. A lot.

Vampires, in the Twilight world and in most myth, don’t age, yet Tiaa claims to have had a normal (albeit bad) childhood and to be only sixteen chronologically. Maybe she’s an unreliable narrator, but, if so, why is she pretending to be human, and why pull a reveal this early in the story? It also doesn’t explain her lack of other vampiric traits; she hasn’t talked about craving blood or even smelling it, her eyes are blue (Twilight vamps have black eyes when hungry, red after feeding on humans, or gold after feeding on animals), and she has no superhuman ability that we know of. 

I guess Edward really can’t read her mind, or he’d know she’s not a vampire, but why isn’t he bothered at not being able to get a read on her? And are we really supposed to believe Tiaa is just so extraordinarily beautiful that a vampire assumed she was also a vampire? Because… wow.

"what-is said sharply -dude your insane! And you freakin SMELL! (he didnt really smell but I didnt no what else to say!)

Wow, owned.

"thy a CAMPIRE tia! 

Gay vampire who’s into drag and musical theater?

a VAMPIRE! 

Which is it?

BUT WHY CAN'T I READ THOU MIND? 

Oh, he actually is bothered by that. Got it. I thought the author had forgotten Edward can read minds. Sorry, BeckyMac666, I don’t give you enough credit.

I THOUGHT BELLA WAS THE ONLY ONE BUT HERE THOU ARE! WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEEEEAN!"

He punched the wall with his buckly fist and shouted suddenly furious and his eyes flickered red.

Isn’t Buckly Fist the guy who writes Ctrl+Alt+Del?

I schlepped him hard across the face and tried to leave but he caught my waste and as I struggled and tried to hit him again he caught my hand in mid air and hammed me against the wall where his hand had already made a huge dint in the wall. 

Good fight scene. I like that she schlepped (made a reluctant or arduous journey) him across the face rather than slapped him across the face. And that he hammed (overacted) her against the wall rather than slammed her against the wall. And… all the other typos.

His face was blunt and right heavy in mine. 

Dunno what this means but it sounds a bit British.

My knee came up hard against his massive throbbing gigglestick between his legs and he drubbed over in pan. 

Massive throbbing gigglestick.

I.

Wow.

Good fic.

I broke free and goaded my books and started rugging away to math, but edward hand finished with me.

There’s a lot going on here and none of it makes sense but it’s all rather evocative.

"TIAAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOO!"he screamed after me tearing his shrit of himself in fury and throwing it over my eyes. 

Why did he throw his shirt over her face? Dude’s superhumanly fast! He could have just grabbed her if he wanted! Also, he thinks she’s a vampire, and a shirt definitely wouldn’t slow her down if she was one!

I lost my sight and was behind me breathing into my ears.

Interesting mental image.

"i'm sorry tiaa" he wimpered sadly picking me up off the floor and gazing mutely into my eyes "i didnt mean to rut thee! 

“Rut” as a verb refers to a mating ritual that deer and some other mammals engage in. It’s not actual mating, or anything similar to what Tiaa and Ewdard just did; it’s when males fight each other for access to females. So far as I know, this is not a Ye Olde Worde for Sex or Rape or Throwing Your Shirt Over Someone’s Head.

I'm so contemptuos! I APOLOGIZE! THIS IS JUST SO WEIRD!"

I mean… yeah, he’s not wrong.

"YOUR so frickin weird you mean!" I snaped whitely as he lay on the floor so hawt and crying with his shirt off with his pippling body. 

Hoping that “snaped” is a “My Immortal” reference.

I wanted to forgive him for calling me a vampire(VAMPIRE! I'd heard that one before from preppy losers asking if I sleep in a coffin and suck blood like LETSAT just cause I like eyeliner and listen to Linken Park)and making fun of me and trying to force me against the wall and maybe plunder my crevises but i didnt. 

I actually like the detail here. A goth girl assuming that she’s being called a vampire not in a literal sense but as a comment on her fashion is… kind of funny.

Not gonna comment on that innuendo because honestly I don’t think I can say anything to make it more absurd.

I left him crying on the floor and went to find my class. As I entered math class i suddenly droped my bocks again as a flashing pain burned in my left hand as my brithmark glinted gold for a second (NO JOKE!)then I fell over. 

It’s a good thing you said “no joke.” I would have assumed you were joking otherwise. Y’know, the old “my scar is glowing gold!” gag.

The pain was suddenly gone and some weirdo blond freak called Eric was helping me up and staring at me like a pervo rapist. I kicked him in the sholder (kung fu babie!)as he gazed longingly after me. 

I’d maybe be more inclined to side with Tiaa on this one if she hadn’t just went along with it when a strange boy made sexual advances towards her. This dude just helped her to her feet while looking at her weird. And, to be fair, she’s not wearing a shirt.

In his frickin dreams. I sat down at the back of the class unable to think about anythin but my weird enconter with edward cullen, wondering what it all could mean.

I think it means you’re in a badfic? Could be wrong.

AN what do u think PLEASE R n R?.BIG SHoutout 2 my friend abigail gud luk for 2moro!)did u see i put the man-carrot thing in!) LMAO! Also love 2 tiffi & rach(and zaccibaby of corse!) LOVE U GUYZ SO MUCH!X X X beckymac x x

If anyone knows what language this is PM me the translation.

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment! Will Edward give in to tempation? Oh, wait, he already did, never mind.

Next chapter