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didiletyouknooow · 7 years

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44. Tear

Hey!

And again, a new chapter of #JoshEileen! I had some time to write at the weekend and I didn’t want to let you wait for so long. I had these last chapters in my mind for a very long time now and I can finally post them! Thank you so much for your feedback on my last chapters. It means to much to me that you like my story!

And now I hope you have fun reading it. I know that some of you couldn’t wait how it continues....well, I hope it’s not too emotional. But I won’t spoiler.... The next chapter will be posted next week because I’m on a festival, a short vacation at the weekend. Sadly the Chili Peppers won’t be there because they played this festival (Rock am Ring/ Rock im Park) last year - I’m one year too late :D But instead there are other great bands!

So thank you for reading and for your warm words! ____________

It felt like the time was stopped for a moment. I saw the car coming closer and closer and then suddenly it hit my car at full tilt. The only thing I could remember is that I was totally jarred and my head hit the steering wheel.

Then I remembered the other car’s driver running to my car, asking me if I was okay. But I couldn’t speak. I just couldn’t. I wasn’t able to speak. In the corner of my left eye I saw him taking his phone and calling the police and an emergency. I didn’t know how long it took them to arrive but it felt like an eternity. The whole time I heard the guy yelling “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”. He was in a state of shock I guessed. Another man and a woman tried to help me. They opened the doors and removed the seatbelt. Before they could get me out of the car the emergency arrived.

Then everything happened very quickly. They asked me if I was okay and if I had some pain. I noticed that my head was bleeding and I shivered. But just when they took me out of the car I realized that the worst pain I was feeling was deep inside my stomach. I think I had some bleeding. The emergency doctor asked me again if I was feeling any pain and I pointed at my stomach. Right before I was about to black out I told him “I’m pregnant”.

I can’t remember what happened next.

________

I woke up. My head hurt so much. I couldn’t open my eyes yet but I heard voices talking. They weren’t loud, it was more a whispering. I was laying in a bed. I couldn’t move my legs because I felt too powerless. I noticed there were people who cared about me because they were here. So I wanted to make myself felt. I tried to move my hand. Only a few seconds later the voices stopped but just immediately they started speaking again. But this time they didn’t just talk, they sounded fluttering and nervously. I heard people saying my name. There were more people in this room but I didn’t know how many. But I did notice one voice, one special voice I would notice out of thousands of other voices. Josh. “Eileen? Are you awake?” he asked me carefully and soft. I just noticed that he was holding my hand the whole time. “Hey sweetheart, are you there? Are you awake? Can you hear me?” he kept asking.

I couldn’t say anything but I was finally able to open my eyes. I did. And when I opened them I looked into a worried face. It was Josh’s face. He was sitting next to my bed. I was obviously in a hospital room. I just noticed. He smiled at me when he saw that I’ve finally woken up.

“You’re awake” he said, still a smile on his face. Now both of his hands were holding my right hand. Carefully I looked to the other side of the room and I saw my mother standing there. She had tears in her eyes. I noticed that it was already dark outside, so I must’ve been asleep for a few hours I guessed. “How are you?” Josh kept asking. “Do you feel any pain?” I still couldn’t answer but I tried to. But I had to cough very much. “I tell the doctor she’s awake” my mother said leaving the room.

“Hey” Josh was still smiling and kissing my forehead. I tried to smile back but I didn’t know if I really did smile. I felt so powerless. “I’m so happy you woke up” Josh whispered in my ear and leaned his head on my shoulder. “I was so scared. So fucking scared” he told me. I didn’t know what he meant. What happened? Why was I even here? I only remembered there was an accident.

My mother came back with a doctor. He directly started to do some check ups and said that I would probably need some more time to rest. He didn’t tell me what happened. Maybe I was still too weak. “Can you talk Ms. Puritz?” the doctor asked me. I nodded and finally tried to speak. I croaked a quiet “Yes”. “So, you had an accident. You had a traumatic brain injury and probably still headache. That’s totally normal. We fixed your other….injuries” he told me. Other injuries? What was he talking about? “So if you need anything, please let the nurse know while you press the button” he showed me the blue button at my bed. I nodded. “Please, let your girlfriend sleep at night. It’s already 11pm, she should rest until tomorrow morning and then we’ll do some more check ups and decide when she can leave the hospital” I heard the doctor telling Josh who had now left his place next to my bed to talk with the doctor. “Okay” Josh answered. “Uhm, doctor, what if….I mean” Josh said and looked at me. I smiled at him. At least I tried to. I guess it was a completely intoxicated smile. “I would suggest we have a talk about everything that happened tomorrow” the doctor said and wished me a good night before leaving the room. Josh followed him. I watched the two through the windows talking. Josh was gesticulating with his hands while telling the doctor something. The doctor shook his head and started talking then. Seems like he was explaining something to Josh. But what? I mean….there was something going on here, right?

A few minutes later the doctor left and Josh moped before looking back through the window at me. After a few more minutes of thinking he came back into my room. “Hey, how do you feel?” he wanted to know and faked a smile. Okay, now I knew there was something going on here. Something that should be kept from me. But what? “Josh” I said, still a bit croaked. “Yes?” “What’s wrong here?” I had to breathe after asking this question. “What’s wr….what’s wrong here?” Wow, I never thought speaking could be so difficult after an injury.

Josh didn’t say anything. Instead his face started looking very serious. His smile went away and his eyes filled with tears. He was looking down to avoid my eyes, his washed-out red hair hide his face. I knew that something happened. Something terrible happened. “Josh….please tell me. What’s wrong? What happened? Is the baby alright?”

When Josh was still looking down to the floor I already had the answer. There was something wrong with the baby.

“Josh, please….tell me” I besought him. “Okay” he suddenly said and I noticed that his voice was very weak. “We lost the baby” he told me, tears streaming down his face. I didn’t know what to say or think. I felt completely empty. I lost it….the baby….it was dead. I mean, it was only 11 weeks old but….I lost it. “But” I said noticing tears in my eyes. “Why?” “Because you had bleeding and….” Josh tried to breathe to speak without crying the whole time. “You had a surgery but….they couldn’t rescue the baby.”

I was looking into his eyes and he was looking into my eyes. I didn’t know what he was thinking but I had the feeling we were thinking the same. This was something that would connect us for the rest of our lives. No matter if the baby would be born or not. The only fact that there was something like a baby we begot was something that connected us. From now own. Even if it was dead now.

“But how….” I suddenly started crying. “I don’t understand” Josh put his arms around me and tried to calm me down although he himself was still fighting with his tears. “I don’t know….it was destiny….” he said. I leeched on to Josh. I didn’t want to let go of him. Never.

We were laying there in my bed together for hours. Crying totally in silent. I didn’t know if any nurse or doctor noticed that I already knew what happened at the surgery. Although I still didn’t know what exactly happened at the accident the only important thing I knew was that I lost my baby. My baby of 11 weeks.

Although I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by the whole situation with the pregnancy I found peace with it in the last weeks. I already started liking being pregnant. I liked the idea that there was a human being growing in my bump. I liked the idea that in seven months Josh and I would be parents. I liked the idea of sharing a home with him and our baby together in his house in El Sereno. I liked the idea of celebrating Christmas together with our baby. Our first Christmas as a family. I liked the idea that he would come back home from tour to squeeze and care about his little son or daughter. I liked the idea that some day I would be standing next to the stage, the little child on my arms and big headphones covering its ears. I liked the idea that Josh would come to us after the show to hug and kiss us. To show us that we’re a family.

Now everything I dreamed of in the last weeks was destroyed. Destroyed by a fucking car accident.

Somehow we survived this night. The first night of knowing that we lost the baby. We didn’t sleep much, most of the time we were still crying or just laying there, saying nothing. Just being there together helped me at least a little bit to overcome this pain.

The next morning the doctor did his round and finally told me what happened at the accident. This was the moment I realized that the accident was already two days ago. It wasn’t Wednesday, it was already Thursday. He told me that after I arrived at the hospital I collapsed and had heavy bleeding. They had to do a surgery but couldn’t rescue the baby. I lost a lot of blood. Afterwards they placed me in an artificial coma so my body could rest. It was shocking to hear what happened to me and I didn’t notice any of it. So I was in coma for a whole day until I finally woke up on my own.

He said I was still too weak to leave the hospital and had to stay there for at least four more days. I agreed because I was feeling very sick and tired.

When the doctor went away I was looking at Josh who was still here.

“How did you know about it?” “I got a phone call from your mother” he told me. “We were in San Francisco because of the special gig we were about to play there today. I was shocked and she couldn’t tell me what exactly happened to you. She only knew you had an accident. So I told the guys and immediately left the hotel and caught the next flight. I arrived in the evening when you were still in surgery. After it was done the doctor came to us to inform us what happened and he told us about the loss of your baby” “Fuck…..” was all I could answer. “Yes….I was so shocked I didn’t know how to react or what to say. I had to leave the hospital to get some fresh air. Then I called Olivia. I had to talk about it with someone” “I understand” “Your mother was shocked too. Your dad came to the hospital. He was at work when it happened so he stuck in the traffic. We were all so worried about you” “Well….obviously I could make it through” I said. “You did. You’re strong” Josh chuckled and kissed me. It felt like the first kiss ever.

“Do you still feel any pain?” Josh asked me. “A little bit. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. But the doctor told me they gave me an amount of pain killers” “They did….and you lost a lot of blood” “Yes….” ”You should take your time to recover” “Yeah….” I said. “But….what about the concert?” “It’s cancelled” Josh told me. “What? Why?” “Eileen” Josh said. “I got a phone call that told me that something happened to my girlfriend. I flew back to LA to get the news that my girlfriend had an accident and a miscarriage. I don’t leave you in this difficult time – not to mention that I’m not in the mood to play a concert” “Okay….but I don’t want you to cancel shows because of me” “Eileen, listen. It’s not you who caused it. It’s the fucking accident that destroyed everything right now. I would never chose a concert over you” “You’re cute” I chuckled. It was the first time I kind of smiled today although I didn’t feel like smiling at all. “We can do this, right?” I asked him. “We can” Josh answered in a serious voice but then kissed me again.

The nurse came to do some check ups on me. After a few minutes she let me know that it looked good and I could probably leave the hospital in a few days. She also offered us the opportunity to speak to a psychologist because of what happened to our baby. We thanked her. “So what did you tell the fans why you cancel the show?” I wanted to know. “We had a discussion what we should tell them. While Flea and Chad said we should say that there is a fatality, Anthony said we should only say I got sick and couldn’t play. I only talked with them on the phone after I got the news from the doctor. I was so fucked up. I didn’t care what they would tell the press or the fans. Even if they would have told the fans that I quit I wouldn’t care.” “But Josh” I said shocked. “Listen, I was so worried about you that I didn’t care about the band in this moment” “Okay…” “So I called Olivia and she was the first person who could understand me and my pain. Then I sat next to your bed and held your hand the whole day until midnight when you woke up” “Thank you so much….it means so much to me that you were here the whole time. I don’t know but….maybe I felt it? I don’t know. I don’t know anything. Not even what really happened. Do you know what happened?” “Kind of” Josh said but I noticed that he didn’t want to talk about it. “Tell me” “Do you really wanna know?” “Yes” “A car hit your car and….yeah that’s what happened” “Okay” I answered but at the same time I suddenly remembered something: I wasn’t only waiting at a red light. I wanted to pull over because something was wrong with the car or with the tire. “Josh” I suddenly said. “I remember something. I think before the car hit me there was something else happening” “Yeah but….let’s not talk about it” he said. I had the feeling he wanted to change the topic and avoid talking about the accident. “Hm…why?” “It’s not important anymore. I mean okay, the police wants to talk to you later but well, it already happened. No one can change it” “But it happened. How can you not care about it?” “Hm….Eileen, I don’t wanna talk about it okay?” “But why?” I was fixing his eyes. He was acting weird. Like he was hiding something. “Because” he suddenly sighed. “Because maybe it’s my fault that it happened”

“What? Why? You weren’t even there” I said shocked. “Yes but….I didn’t change the tires….the system informed me I had to change them. But I didn’t. Instead I told you, its okay and told you to drive with this car. I wanted to change them next week….” While he was telling me these words he was fighting with his tears again. But this time it wasn’t only sadness, it was also anger in his eyes. He blamed himself for what happened. “What if it’s my fault that my girlfriend had an accident? That we both lost the baby because of me?” now he really started crying. “Josh” I said while putting my arms around him. He was still sitting on my bed so I could hug him. “It’s not your fault. Definitely not. The only one who did a mistake was the guy who was driving too fast and couldn’t stop and then hit my car. Even if the tire was damaged I could still pull over and stop but the guy hit me before I could do it. So it’s his fault, not mine and definitely not yours!” I told him. “But I should have changed the tires! The system told me to but I didn’t care” “Because your car is still a new car. The system warns you before it’s necessary to change them. They only want to make money. I don’t think it’s because you didn’t change them. The tire was damaged anyway. It could’ve happened with new tires.” “But maybe not….” ”Josh” I said holding his face in my hands looking into his eyes. “It’s not your fault, okay?” “Who knows….”

It took me some time to convince him that it wasn’t his mistake. He didn’t want to believe me. When the police came that afternoon to ask me some questions about the accident I told them the truth. They also asked Josh a few questions. Sure they told us they would let the damaged tire be checked but they didn’t think that it only happened because Josh should’ve changed the tire.

Josh left to get himself something to eat and a coffee. He spent the last two days and nights in the hospital. He needed a rest. Instead my parents visited me. My mother was still shocked that I lost the baby. Meanwhile I was starting to feel okay with the situation. It happened and we couldn’t change it anymore. That’s life. I think I was very realistic and rational while thinking about it. Maybe it was the pain killers or maybe I was still in a state of a shock but although I was sad about loosing the baby there was something else I felt: relief. I know it sounds crazy but in a way I kind of felt relieved because I realized how the baby would’ve changed our lives. How afraid I was what would come over us. I was afraid what would happen to my body, what would happen to my life, to my feelings. I felt like I wasn’t ready for having a baby. But at the same time I felt so bad feeling this way because I was already 30 years old – the best age for starting a family. So when would I be ready for it if not now?

My parents took care of me while Josh was away, taking a little rest and a shower. I tried to stay strong because my mother was very sad about our loss and what happened to me. And although she told me how great Josh was and how he cared about me I also noticed that she wanted to scapegoat him. “If he would’ve only changed the tire before leaving….” she repeated over and over again. “Don’t say that!” my dad interrupted her. “We don’t know if this was the reason of the accident. In the end the guy was driving too fast and should’ve stopped the car but he didn’t.” “I know but….what if the car would’ve had new tires. Maybe it wouldn’t have happened” “Mom, please don’t blame Josh for what happened” I let her know. It made me angry that she started blaming him. He wasn’t even there. “But sweetie, why you? You were pregnant and….oh I just don understand” she was still a bit confused. I had the feeling that I needed some time on my own so I told my parents to leave me alone with my thoughts. They agreed and left the hospital. Until Josh would come back in the evening I had some moments for myself to think about what happened to me.

And suddenly I started crying so hard, I couldn’t stop my tears. It hit me completely. I lost my baby. I lost my baby in this fucking accident. It was so unfair. It was only 11 weeks old. Life’s not fair. I felt so sad….

“I'm slowing down and I don't think that I can fight I know somehow you'll find a way to live your life Remember just to live everyday like it's your last And hold me now 'cause I think it's time for me to pass I don't wanna die, I don't know why This kind of fate was meant for me You gotta be strong, gotta move on”

When Josh came back to visit me again I wiped my tears away and started smiling again. I wanted to be strong for him. I didn’t want to let him feel like he was the one to blame for the accident. Because for me he wasn’t. “The insurance told me that the guy is guilty and will be pay for the whole damage. I also spoke to our lawyer – you know, the lawyer of our band – and he told me that we can sue him for compensation” Josh let me know. “Okay” I said. “Maybe. I don’t wanna think about it right now” “I know…” he sighed. He was still holding his phone in his hands and sometimes he was looking at it. “What’s wrong?” I asked him. “It’s just….” He sighed and paused. “Samuel is texting me the whole time. After the band announced that the special secret gig is cancelled but postponed to a later date due to my ‘illness’ the fans are going crazy on social media. They are discussing it” “Why?” “Because someone saw me at LAX” he said. “I don’t understand. What’s so wrong with that?”

Josh sighed and showed me some screenshots Sam sent him.

“I don’t understand why they tell us that they have to cancel the show because Josh is ill when Josh was obviously at LAX yesterday and didn’t really look sick at all!”

“You saw him?” ”Yes. I was leaving LA (was on holiday there) and I saw him going to a back exit. To me he didn’t look sick. I don’t think he wasn’t able to play a concert”

“Maybe someone in his family got sick and he had to went back home?”

While I was reading the comments I saw how awful Josh must be feeling. The fans thought it was a liar and that he wasn’t ill.

“Look, it’s not all” he told me and showed me the second screenshot from another forum on the internet.

“To all the people who were suggesting why the Chilis cancelled their show today in San Francisco because Josh was ill and to everyone who wondered why because people saw him at the airport in LA: my sister was at a hospital in Pasadena today and she saw him. He was standing outside talking on the phone. She didn’t want to overhear him but while passing him (she was visiting our mother in the hospital) she heard that he told the person on the phone ‘she lost the baby’. So I think you guys should stop hating on him! This guy must’ve a really tough time right now. To me it seems that maybe his girlfriend (or maybe his sister?) lost a baby. That’s why he was in LA and that’s why they can’t play the show tonight”

“Are you sure or are you just a fake account who wants attention?”

“Believe me. I wouldn’t have posted this if I wouldn’t care about him and the band. I don’t think it’s easy for the band to cancel a show. They barely do it. So there must be a reason why they did it. They let the people know that J is ill. Did you ever think why they said it? Maybe J doesn’t want the public to know what happened. And I’m sorry that I made this public now but….please stop hating on this guy! He’s a talented musician and everyone who hates him or bullies him anonymously on the internet should shut the fuck up!” ”Okay so it could be that Josh has a gf and she was pregnant?”

“OMG! Too many news for today! J has a gf again?”

“Our Joshy was about to be a father! How cute!”

“Shut up! Didn’t you read her post? Obviously they lost he baby….if the news are true”

“I think we should stop discussion someone’s private life who doesn’t want to be on social media in any form.”

“Wow….they really discuss it” I was wondering. “Yes they do” Josh said. “I withheld you the comments where the fans are hating me again” “Oh sweetheart….I’m so sorry….I always feel so bad when you tell me about it or when I read such comments myself. But please, don’t believe them. You have so many great fans who love what you do! Please stop listening to those cowards” “I know” he sighed. “Thank you for supporting me….” ”We support each other. That’s what a relationship is for. And I don’t care what the people on the internet write. I mean, I think the girl who told the story about your phone call just wanted to clarify that there was a reason why the band had to cancel the show….I can understand her. It’s okay for me that people might know it now” “I know….and I think it’s sweet that some fans are protecting me but….it’s still my private life” “Yes but you’re a person who is in the public area. You have to deal with something like that. Especially in the internet age. Don’t be too hard on you, okay?” “I try to” Josh leaned his head against mine and kissed my forehead. “Thank you for being here. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you now….I’m so happy you’re still alive and nothing serious happened to you” “I’m strong….at least I try to….” I told him. “And so are you, okay?” I said looking at him. “What do you mean?” “You’re going on stage tomorrow to play the concert in LA, alright?” “I don’t know if I can do it….” ”Josh! Come on, it’s a charity event, isn’t it?” “It is…” ”See, you will go home now, sleep in your bed and tomorrow you will enter the stage again and play this concert. Do it for me, okay?” He didn’t want to, I saw it in his face. But he agreed. “Okay, I only do it for you”.

The next day Josh went on stage for their charity concert. I watched it in a live stream in my hospital bed. Okay, I recognized that he wasn’t there with his mind. He was only playing this concert on autopilot. And he fucked up some songs. But the other guys didn’t blame him. One time they just started a song again. That’s it. When the concert was over I waited another hour until my phone ringed. It was Josh. “Hey you were great!” I let him know to cheer him up. I knew he was feeling awful. “Thanks….” he sighed. “But I’m not satisfied with my job today” “Well you don’t have to. You know, it’s a special situation” “Yes….sure” he said. Suddenly Josh changed our conversation into a FaceTime call. So I could see him staying in a backstage room, only wearing sweaty t-shirt. “You did great. Under these circumstances you did an amazing job. And the fans were applauding” “Yes, they did….I was wondering if they knew? I mean, if some of them read the comments?” “Believe me, the internet is so fast….comments like that, rumors like that are spread very fast” “Probably….” he sighed. “But….no one booed at you, right? You were great and I was so happy seeing you on stage tonight. Even if it was only on my notebook” “Thank you….oh I wish I could visit you right now” It was already midnight. The visiting hours were over. The nurse made an exception the last days when Josh spent the night with me in my room. But today she said she couldn’t. It was okay. He would come tomorrow and he would wheel me through the park near the hospital. I was still too weak to walk. But in two days I could leave the hospital the doctor said. “So, what are you doing tonight?” I asked him. “I’m driving home in a few minutes. Sure there is an after show party but I’m not in the mood for it” Josh told me. Just now Flea came into the room, still shirtless. He didn’t say a word but he slapped Josh’s shoulder and then went to the buffet in the room. “Whatever, I will try to get some sleep now. I’m very tired. So see you tomorrow, okay?” “See you tomorrow.” Josh answered. “Sleep well” “You too” he smiled. “Oh and Eileen?” “Yes?” “I love you” I smiled. “I love you too”.

May

The next two weeks were all about resting. I still needed some time to recover. Josh did a great job and bought me anything I wanted and needed. He had to buy so many things at the pharmacy for me – only things women have to use sometimes. But he did it. He didn’t ask me stupid questions, he just bought it. And even when he had a question he asked the pharmacist. He also bought me chocolate and all this unhealthy stuff. He was just the cutest.

Surely we cried and talked a lot about what happened. We talked about the accident, Josh analyzed everything although I didn’t want to analyse it. He still couldn’t believe what happened. And he still blamed himself for causing the accident – which to me was still bullshit!

We cried and hugged and cuddled and cried. I think it would take us some more time to finally realize what really happened. We also spoke with my gynecologist who gave us some flyers for a support group of other parents who lost their unborn child. But for the moment Josh and I decided that we didn’t need it. Maybe some day but not now.

I was surprised how caring and kind Josh was. It was like getting to know some other sides of him I didn’t know yet. I think it’s true: if something really terrible happens in your life you’ll see who really loves you and how the person deals with the situation. And Josh was the best I could imagine being by my side.

We spent most of the time on his couch at his house. Although it was the most beautiful weather outside I still didn’t want to leave the house. I was certified sick for two weeks after leaving the hospital so Josh and I spent the last day having barbecue in his little garden. I think it was the most romantic moment we had in months and it was also the first moment in the last week we finally felt like a couple again.

So after three weeks I finally went back to school. My boss welcomed me and we had a final talk about me leaving the school soon. There were only two weeks left. My contract would end with the end of May which was in roughly two weeks. So that’s it. Then my work here would be done.

Josh tried to convince me having another talk with my boss to explain her my situation – at least I was pregnant and you can’t fire a pregnant woman, right? But I never told my boss about my pregnancy. Sure, one of my coworkers asked me if I was pregnant and that was the reason I did the test. But I never told her and no one ever asked me afterwards. I thought why should I tell my boss when I would leave anyway?

And I didn’t think that my boss would say I could stay at my job just because I was pregnant. The operative word is “was” because it was no longer happening.

The only problem in this case was that I didn’t have a new job yet. I applied for so many jobs – at universities, at schools, at magazines (because before living one year abroad in Berlin I was working for a newspaper) – but I didn’t get any response yet. And the only two invitations for a job interview I got took place when I was in hospital. I called them and tried to explain my situation but the only thing they told me was that they were sorry for me but the time schedule for their job interviews is over. It was too late.

Well so I was kind of feeling the same feeling I had 1.5 years ago before getting the job at the school in Pasadena. It sucked. I was not only feeling depressed because I lost a baby and had a car accident a few weeks ago. I also was feeling completely depressed because I couldn’t find a new job yet. I was completely stressed out.

Josh was away during the last week playing some gigs at Rock On The Range and Napa Valley. They also did a TV show where they presented a few new songs from their album. He was still struggling with being back on stage. He told me that sometimes he caught himself lost in thoughts thinking about our baby and then he had to remind himself to play the following solo. The guys from the band supported him. Especially Flea had some deep conversations with Josh while they were on the short tour. I had the feeling being away on tour helped Josh to overcome the pain and to stop blaming himself for what happened. It could’ve happened anyway.

Meanwhile I was listening to The Getaway on repeat during the last weeks. Every morning I was on my way to work I listened to it – and I loved it. Surely, this time listening to a new Red Hot Chili Peppers record was different than any other time before. Now I not only knew the guys but one of them was even my boyfriend. I started seeing the band from a different perspective because now I knew some backgrounds about their recording sessions with Josh’s friend Danger Mouse. Although the two of them were friends for a long time and played together at Gnarls Barkley it wasn’t easy for Josh working with Danger Mouse – or Brian Burton – as a producer.

I made some pasta when Josh came home this Sunday night after their show at Bottlerock in the Napa Valley. Although it was in the middle of the night Josh wanted to come home directly after the show while the others spend one night in a hotel. So he arrived at 3 in the morning. I have to admit that I was very tired but it was okay for me. “Wow, you’re still awake?” he welcomed me with a kiss and a hug. “Yes, because you said you will come home after the show. So I thought I cook us some pasta” “In the middle of the night?” “Yeah, why not?” I laughed. “I have something for you” he said and handed me a little casket. I opened it and saw a necklace. “Wow” was all I could say. “Do you like it?” “Yes, I do” “I had to buy it when I saw it in the vintage shop in Napa” he smiled at me. I was looking at and noticed there was a signature. It showed “We can be heroes just for one day”. “Is it too cheesy? Then you don’t have to wear it but I thought it’s the song we were talking about on one of our first dates and to me it was kind of a special moment” Josh said a bit nervous. “No, it’s not cheesy at all” I said smiling at him, almost tears in my eyes. “It’s perfect” I kissed him and thanked him a few more times for just being the best boyfriend in the last weeks one can imagine.

“Hey uhm, I was thinking about June” Josh said when we were having our dinner in the middle of the night. “Okay. What did you think about? You’re on tour very long” “Yes, that’s what I was thinking about” he said and started grinning. Okay, why did he grin? He would be away for a few weeks, so nothing to grin about, right? “Why don’t you join us on tour?” he suddenly said. “What? How….I mean….really?” “Yes, I mean, you have your last day at work on Tuesday. You could come with us and take the flight on Thursday. We’re playing Rock am Ring on Saturday and the other festival on Sunday” He pronounced it so cute like “Rock em RRRing” – I had to laugh. “You mean Rock am Ring and Rock im Park” “Whatever, these big fucking festivals in Germany, you know them, don’t you?” Josh laughed. “I do” “So….why don’t you join us? Come with me to Europe!” he smiled and took my hand. I stood up from my chair and sat down on his lap. “Are you sure?” “Yes!” “But….I don’t know….I mean, if I’m allowed to go on a plane for such a long time. You know, after everything that happened in the last weeks. I have to see my doctor first and ask him” “Okay, I hope he gives you his okay” Josh said. “I will see him tomorrow” Josh grinned and kissed me. “But you want to come with me, don’t you? I don’t want to convince you for something you don’t want to” “I’d love to” I smiled and put my arms around his neck to kiss him.

After everything that happened in the last weeks, going to Europe with Josh and the band sounded like a good idea. Maybe the best to forget this bullshit, to let the pain and the tears and the sadness behind us.

_________ “Hold me now 'cause the time I've got's running out No tears allowed even though we've become without I just wanna feel your head laying on my chest So hold me now as I take my last breath I don't wanna die, I don't know why This kind of fate was meant for me You gotta be strong, gotta move on It's not how it was supposed to be What do I say it was never supposed to end up this way What do I have to do Was supposed to grow old with you But that ain't gonna happen No that ain't gonna happen”

(Sum 41 - Crash)

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greenlandhollerpets · 6 years

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Part 1 of 3. “Things Change in A Moment!” Greatest News of my life in the morning/ and a bomb on my soul at 3:33 p.m. (August 2, 2018) Last Thursday, one week ago today, with great dreams being realized, I was given devastating news. Okay first of all on Wednesday, August 1, 2018, MIchael and I met with the head of marketing for Dos Lagos to review and finalize details to pursue our idea of having one day a month, preferably the first Sunday, be a PET SOCIAL at their beautiful location. And, get all the paperwork finished, i.e. contracts. Insurance secured, and details of the planned itinerary for each show from time to activities. Swirling in my head has been to create a day not about us, but about bringing together our community of dog, and pet lovers, to share their animals, enjoy some quality speakers from vets, to trainers, to people with books or TV shows sharing new ideas on pet care, and even have some neighborhood kids singing to entertain all. And have raffles, a bake shop, and other fun little entities. The entire event is about bringing our community together, and also let people know about our dogs in need of new homes, plus the animals waiting to be saved in our shelters. So, upon leaving there, I was in the clouds. Now, however, on Tuesday, when we had our first appointment, I was unable to walk that morning, and had to postpone the meeting a day, however it was all working out. The marketing professional has bigger ideas than me! That says a lot about this creative man. He plans in a few months, because he’s sure we will be packed to close off streets. YES YES YES. This man gets it! Completely, and greater than we do ! Im designing dog Costumes for our young people volunteers. We can be just like Disney. I began working on the itinerary the moment we got back to the Sanctuary. Then the next morning, Michael and I had to get up really early as I had a long awaited appointment with the top spinal neurologist surgeon at USC. I had seen him before; he did not think he could redo my four botched back and sacrum surgeries; suggested I get a spinal NEURO transmitter, kind of like a pacemaker for the spine. I cant walk, my left leg is nearly all dead, and each day the pain is excruciating. His EMG test showed my L4, L 5, and S 1 in my spine were severed. But I felt in my heart the NEURO deal was just a bandaid. I don’t need a bandaid. I need a solution. Everyday I cant walk, and the pain is excruciating. Well, this man had been working trying to figure out what was the real problem. And he found out the issue, My sacrum is not straight. He sent all my records, and tests, to John Hopkins and other outside resources too. Well, 12 years ago, I broke my sacrum ice skating in northern Minnesota on Christmas Eve day, Dressed up in a winter wonderland dress, new skates, and rolling along with my cousins on an area all the boys had cleared for us girls. Hot toddies were at our pit stops, Im with my cousins that have been in my life since born, its Christmas and just like all our Christmas Holidays as children, we were together, and skating . . . . . Oh let the Minnesota wind blow! Plus I looked so cute. Well, the rink was a little bumpy. Hey the guys are older now too, but who cared; not me! But thirty minutes out I went down on my ribs, yes I broke a couple of those too, but I did not care. I got up and flew off to skate more. Im nearly flying. Happy? I was in heaven! However THEN I fell on my back. Oh brother! I could not get up! OOPS. And dear Michael comes over to me, my pretty dress ripped at the bottom, I can’t get up at all, and he says, “I thought you were a really great skater?.” Yeah, yeah, well guess Ive lost some of my flight with age. Us kids skated hour after hour as children. But those years had long passed, and I knew I was in trouble. The boys, now men, had to carry me back to the house. Good grief! And pain, I think I drank an entire bottle of Minnesota Brandy! It was interesting though, I was still having the time of my life. I was with my dear dear cousins, we played Bingo for Christmas Eve, nearly killing each other over getting the extraordinary gifts, of ducks carved by one of the guys, blankets hand made, and just precious gifts. You toss dice, and when the gifts are all opened, you toss the dice among you, and when you get doubles, you can take a gift from another person. That’s when the fun begins. As kids we were dangerous over the gifts mostly hand made. No wonder I have such a diligent drive to WIN! And never give up. So all my childhood memories I was reliving. Little did I know I had SHATTERED my SACRUM. Shattered! I had destroyed my sacrum. But with cocktails, laughter and a MInnesota old-fashioned blizzard, just like when I was a child, I was on a cloud. Michael and I had driven to Minnesota to fix up my aunt’s home. She was found murdered, oh thats another story, she was MURDERED. I was her executor and niece. She and my mom were very close, and Nancy spent all her summers with her children, same age as me, at our supper club. Now she was dead, and it was and still is a horror. Another day I will tell all, but not right now. But we are in a truck, 400 miles north of the cities, and thousands of miles north of our home in California. The day after Christmas, we still had celebrating to do, the usual meal, And just sharing all our tales. But the following day MIchael and I headed down to Minneapolis, in a a severe snowstorm which for me made the trip bearable, and memorable, and fun! Im easy to please! We decided we would go to the hospital in the cities, as if I had to go into a hospital MIchael could be working on the my aunts house that had been stripped and nearly destroyed by a stranger she had befriended. A lonely woman in need of love! Well Edina hospital informed me my tail bone was broken, and just needed to heal. And gave me I think 250 20 mg. Of Percocet. Yikes. And my many other relatives made sure we had liquor. I love being in Minnesota! We had a balloon bed on the floor. I hurt so bad, and could not lift my legs at all; couldn’t really walk, but I supervised! We were thinking of moving back there at this point. My aunts home was beautiful, it had just been harmed, but it was coming together so elegant, and I thought I would finally get to go back home. A dream in my heart for years. But it did not happen. I was too sick, and we did what was critical, well Michael did, and headed home to California. We set up pillows and tried to make me comfortable, it was a horrible ride though. We met Michaels mom, dad, sister and family in Arizona. They were celebrating a family anniversary. I tried to attend the dinner, but we had to get up and leave. We got on the highway. I needed to be in a hospital, and we needed to get home. At the dinner table, I asked everyone for their drinks . . . .told them not to worry they should order a couple more. The pain had become excruciating. And then we were home, we did not even go home, Michael drove us to our Corona hospital, where they told me to study yoga, and within minutes Michael took me to UCI. Immediately I was given Morphine. I had never had morphine, that I knew about, and I made them flush it out, I hated the feeling, but other drugs were acceptable. Then I was told my sacrum was shattered. However by now, it had started to heal. I was placed in the hospital for a few days, but made a decision to just let it heal. I COULD NOT GO THRU the PAIN again! For eight months I could not walk. But I exercised faithfully and hard core daily, and finally I was at least able to walk. I thought I was going to be okay. I didn’t realize my sacrum made the structure of my body unstable and unbalanced. Well, that fall and the damage is my entire problem today. UCI with my four surgeries never fixed the sacrum. My back sticks out which is not acceptable. My doctor at USC says you can’t walk for long with the position of my spine. You lose all stability. I only have a few months to get things fixed, or I can become paralyzed. This doctor was haunted by what he had seen in my tests. He told me on this morning, August 2, 2018, that he could fix me or at least give it all he has, as I DONT HAVE A CHOICE. I was beyond happy, I now had hope and a real solution. I can be fixed. Then I had a CT Angiogram with contrast. Remember I had a heart attack and have congestive heart. failure, with a definite constricted heart. The new back surgery is dangerous, so all has to be cleared. I have the test done, and found out my veins are just not working at this time.. They had to use my hand for the IV for the contrast. What else can go wrong. But moving right along, test all done, Michael and I are almost home after another long journey now from LA USC to home in Corona; it’s about 3:30. My cardiologist phones: “You need to turn your car around and come back here. We need to put you in the hospital immediately. You have clot in you lung. You have a critical pulmonary embolism!” “WHAT?” No. Michael turned the car around, but the traffic was absolute grid-lock. He said we needed to go to Corona.....NO NO NO! Anyway, no choice I could die taking the ride. So We went to Corona. First thing I am told is this hospital no longer has a cardiac department, oh goodness. But they did have lung doctors. Get me to USC. “You can’t travel!” I am told. Visit us at www.greenlandhollerpets.org

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yourcertainstudentlight-blog · 6 years

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