#hi just me venting through characters nbd

[argyleandjonathansmokingajoint]

My Boy Keeps Me Strong

Pairing: Byeler/Byler

Words: 4k (a little more but close enough)

Summary: Will and Mike have been through more than they ever should've together, but nothing feels as scary as coming out to their best friends does. Then, when it all goes south, they're left to pick up the pieces of each other again. But all their years of friendship can't just really be over like that, can it?

Warning: Uh, slurs, homophobia, and cussing.. The homophobia is sorta resolved though?

Author’s Note: This just came together through my venting, basically. So, I hope you enjoy! I just love them so much. (Btw, in a perfect world, none of the party members would be homophobic and I usually like to headcanon them as such, but I'm very gay and I was just feeling some type of way, sorry..) Happy ending though, I swear! You can find it on my AO3 here.

“Hey guys, guys! Um, so We had something we wanted to tell you.” The party were currently all splayed out around the Basement in the Wheeler residence, as per usual. Mike’s comment had drawn their attention though, so everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to face the taller teen and Will, whom they assumed he must also be talking about, since he was standing beside him.

“Okay, Mike! It looks like you boys have the floor!” Dustin yelled, earning some light jeering and laughs from the teens.

Will could feel his palms growing sweaty. He was more nervous to do this than he’d ever been to do anything probably. Mike looked over at him, knocking into his arm and smiling to reassure him, although his own nerves were no better.

El, seeming to sense the emotions from the two boys, brought silence to the room so that they could continue, and so, continue they did.

“Uh, yeah so anyway, gonna try to keep this kinda short, I guess.” Mike’s voice wavered and there were a few laughs around the room, but nothing else, so he continued. “So, where to start?” He looked at Will, and the boy gave an encouraging smile, so Mike took a breath and just went for it. “We’re gay and we’re dating!” It came out in a rush, and for a second, he wasn’t even sure if he had said it at all, but then after a couple of beats of silence, silence he would come to wish he could have back, all hell suddenly broke loose.

“What!” Lucas jumped up from his chair and Max was off of the floor beside him, not a second later, grabbing his arm, as if she thought he might hit one of them. Honestly, Mike was kind of thinking the same thing.

“Wait, since when?!” Dustin looked more than a little freaked that two of his best friends suddenly happened to be homos.

“I don’t understand. Is this bad?” This one little question from El gave them a brief glimmer of hope amongst all of the shit that was starting to pile onto them right now.

“I-I” Will couldn’t even seem to form any words, but it didn’t matter to the group because apparently, Lucas had plenty to say, or more specifically, just one thing to say.

“No, I-I just can’t, okay? Jesus, I can’t even look at you!” And that was that from them because then they were storming out and dragging El away as she looked back with confusion in her eyes.

Well, they were kind of confused too, to tell the truth. Their best friends since childhood had just had one of the worst possible reactions imaginable to their coming out, and the worst thing of all? Neither of them had even imagined this scenario taking place at all. They were so sure, so confident in their friends’ love, loyalty, and bond that they hadn’t even questioned it. Well, that had royally screwed them this time, hadn’t it?

“I-I just stood there. I can’t believe I just stood there.” Mike was looking at the floor, his face in complete shock.

“I was no better, Mike. I couldn’t even make a case for us.” He registered the words as he said them. He shouldn’t have to make any case, right? What were they doing, feeling guilty? Will looked down at his hands and realized that he was shaking. He eyes then landed on Mike to see that he, on the other hand, looked almost numb from the experience they had just gone through. Will placed his hands around him and delicately wrapped his arms around him, waiting for Mike to lean into it. Mike’s head immediately curled into Will’s neck and his cheek landed on his shoulder. Even though he was a tall guy, Mike loved his comfort positions and Will secretly loved him all the more for it. It hurt to see him like this though. Will just wanted everything to be okay. He wanted their friends back, and he almost wished they could take back their most well-guarded secret. But looking at Mike, he thought, almost, but not quite, with a warm feeling in his heart.

“Those fucking bastards! I mean, honestly, screw those guys! Ya know, baby? who needs ‘em anyway, huh?” Mike huffed out a ragged breath and looked behind him as if the party members would still be standing there. “Bunch of lousy “so called” friends.” As he said it, he put in air quotes and the disgust was clear, then his shoulders slumped and he wrapped his arms around the shorter boy in front of him and pressed his forehead into Will’s own, closing his eyes tightly. This conversation had been going on for awhile now. Maybe around three hours already. But Mike was fired up and Will was exhausted, and they were both feeling extremely let down about the whole thing, not to mention just hurt and betrayed by the rest of the Party.

“Hey, hey now. You don’t mean that.” The voice in which Will used was gentle, trying to soothe the aching pain his boyfriend was feeling, even as his own heart still smarted from the rejection of their friends. Were they still friends? They’d been through something akin to hell and back together. Was this really the driving force that was going to rip them apart?

“Will, I really, really fucking do. Those assholes! I’m through with the whole lot of ‘em! They think they can just go around and say anything and it won’t matter? Well, it f-fucking matters to me, damnit!” Mike’s entire body was shaking, even his hands were trembling, and he was breathing heavily from his outburst. After catching his breath and seeming to compose himself a bit, he spoke up again. “Doesn’t it mean anything to you?” His voice was much quieter now, almost a whisper even.

“Of course, it does! Of course.”

“Yeah, yeah. Alright.” His boyfriend started nodding and then grabbed him by the hips, pulling him closer. Will held his hands that were gripping him and linked their fingers together, giving him a smile. This must be a good sign. Everything was going to be okay. Then Mike began to speak again. “L-let’s just go somewhere together. Somewhere far, far away from here.”

Will’s look turned to one of confusion. “What? Where?”

“I don’t know! As fucking, far away as we can stand! Let’s just go, please, please, Will.” The anger and hurt were clear in both his voice and face, but more than that, there was that deep-rooted fear they both shared. He was scared, probably more than he had been when they’d faced the demogorgan, or the mind flayer, or the flayed. Any of the upside down’s tricks, but homophobia had that beat by a thousand miles or more. Will could understand, now knowing why Mike was acting the way he was. It made sense. But even though he got it, Mike was what made Will strong, so even though, yeah Will was scared, he’d face just about anything if he had Mike by his side, whether that be interdimensional, portal hopping demon or your everyday, old-fashioned homophobia.

“Mike, sweetie.” The tone he used carried a slight pleading tone to it. “I know you’re hurt, and I get it. Like I actually do, more than I did earlier. I know it’s scary when you’re like… us, but I’m not scared. Do you know why?”

Mike’s head was facing downward, his shoulders shaking slightly. Will could see a teardrop fall from the corner of his nose and he brushed it away. Mike shook his head, a sign for Will to continue talking. “Because I’m never scared when I’m with you. Not really. You give me the strength to be brave, and if you really wanna leave all this? If you just want to pack up and go, leave everyone behind? Our families, friends, everything we’ve ever known… I’ll go.” Mike’s head lifted when Will said this, the shock in his face clear. His tear stained face was blotchy and red, and Will couldn’t help but smile softly at his boyfriend, reaching his hand up and cupping his face. “I won’t lie, I might be scared. But I’ll go, and I know we’ll be okay because, at least we’ll be together.”

A breath left Mike’s chest in a whoosh when he heard Will’s heartfelt confession. It might as well have been a love poem and a dozen roses for the way it made his heart feel. “You stupid, I love you so much!” Mike dragged him into a hug, and if it weren’t for the loud sobs wracking his body, Will wouldn’t know he was crying at all.

“I love you too, you big baby.”

_____

Will was a little drunk and more than a lot pissed when he found out the party members were hanging out down by the quarry without Mike and him, so maybe he decided to do something a little bit stupid and a whole lot brave about it. He was going to go out there and confront those dicks and tell them just exactly how much it pissed him off.

But, safety first! A drunk person should never operate an automated vehicle. Or, something like that. No, Will forgoes his brother’s hand-me-down car and grabs up his bike that’s a couple sizes too small by now and hops on, pedaling down to the quarry as fast and as steady as his drunk legs will carry him. The bike’s still in pretty good condition since he uses it sometimes to go riding with Mike or the rest of the party. Well, they used to. The memory stings, urging Will on faster and he ignores his aching legs in favor of pedaling harder.

When he finally reaches the quarry’s edge, he sees them all out there, laughing and having a good ‘ol time. It makes him so angry that he throws down his bike as he gracelessly gets off. He might’ve regretted that if he were sober, but as it stands, he couldn’t care less. Will stumbles down to where the party are sitting, and they look up as they hear someone approaching.

“Will?” El is the first to say anything. She sounds surprised but pleased to see him. Will doesn’t even care anymore. He’s through giving chances, playing at Mr. nice guy.

“What are you doing here? Where’s Mike?” It’s Dustin this time. He doesn’t sound too off put, but not too thrilled either. Yeah, Will’s not surprised with the show he put on the last time they saw each other at Mike’s.

Will scoffs. “Do you really care? Let me guess. You wanna make sure he’s not in the bushes, with like b-binoculars or something, creeping on you? Huh? Is that i-it?” He lets out a noise that is supposed to be a sound of disbelief, but really just sounds like a poorly done fart sound.

“Uh, are you drunk?” Max looks worried, after all the time is only around four or five in the afternoon, so her worry isn’t for nothing. However, Will doesn’t even register her, too lost in his own emotions and drunkenness to even hear the sound of her voice.

“You know what, fuck you guys! Okay, Mike was right. You don’t even deserve to have us as friends. W-we put so much trust in you that we actually, stupidly thought you might- I don’t know, not care who we love, or who we sleep with!!” Will’s voice cracked over the last bit and he could feel the sting of hot tears in his eyes, but he tried his best to hold them in. He couldn’t, wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of seeing him break down. “You bastards think it’s easy?! I’m a walking fucking poster for the Aids epidemic! Damnit, you have no idea, none, what mike and I go through every day. Even if I wasn’t gay, I run the risk of being killed or beaten in an alley because I “look too fucking queer”, and that’s something someone told me once before he punched me in the face, so take your sorry excuses or non-excuses for why you can’t be friends with the two fags and shove it.” If he wasn’t crying before then he definitely was now. Great, heaving sobs suddenly filled his chest and he collapsed in on himself. He wanted Mike. They didn’t get it, no one did, only Mike. Mike was the only one that ever did. Will was genuinely weeping, huge gasps leaving his body and an onslaught of new sobs taking over. It felt as if he were mourning some great loss and, in some way, he was.

He looked up at the sudden feeling of arms surrounding him, and for a moment he thought that maybe he’d imagined the whole thing and he was actually with Mike right now or just dreaming. But when he looked up, it wasn’t into the smiling face of Mike, it was into the concerned faces of El and Max, with Dustin sitting in front of him, looking equally as concerned. Lucas was a bit further away, but still near and all of them wore matching expressions of shame and guilt of varying degrees.

Dustin’s voice startled Will out of his thoughts. “I-I’m sorry, Will. We shouldn’t have treated you like that. I mean, I don’t really get it, I guess, but that’s no reason for me to treat you differently. Besides, you’ve always fought so hard for me, for all of us, and I know you always will. So, I’ll do the same for you. I love you, buddy.”

“But, even though we’re gay?” Will’s not sure what the question is, but the others seem to understand well enough and rush ahead to reassure him.

“Hell yeah, I mean it. I’m like, all in now!” Dustin smiles a big, goofy grin, that almost makes Will want to smile himself.

“Yeah, dude! Besides, I’m from California. I mean, this kind of thing is nothing new around there, so I’ve seen it plenty.” Max places a comforting hand on his back and this time, Will does smile.

“Really?” Dustin actually sounds a little interested, but Will can’t tell if it’s real or for his benefit. Either way, it’s appreciated.

“Wow, so you’ve seen people like Mike and me lots?” Will can’t help himself. He’s never been able to share this side of himself or ask questions with anyone else but Mike, so this is a pretty nice feeling.

“Oh sure! Tons! They’re just normal people after all, but some you can just- tell. It’s really cool though, actually. There’s a lot in, like San Francisco, I heard my dad say once, and even New York has a lot. I guess because it’s such a big city and nobody cares what anybody else is doing, I don’t know.”

Will’s cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling. “Woah, you actually know a surprising amount.”

“Yeah, you pick up some things living in the big city.” Max just grins back at him and pats his back.

“Will?” El speaks for the first time since he first arrived at the quarry. He nods to let her know that he’s listening. “I’m happy that you’re happy again, but I don’t understand why you and Mike were sad? Is gay good or is gay bad? I don’t know.”

Will lets out a small sigh. He really doesn’t know how he feels about having this conversation with El in front of everyone. Or at all. Everyone said they were okay with it now, well, everyone except Lucas, who hasn’t even spoken yet. He might as well get it over with, though. It’s what he came out here for, after all.

“Well, it depends on who you talk to, really. Some people hate it, hate everything about it. But there are some people that just think it shouldn’t matter if you’re a boy and love a boy or a girl and love a girl or even whatever else there might be out there. They say that love is just love and that’s that. Well, that’s what I think. Mike, too. Um, so yeah.” He looked down after finishing, feeling suddenly bashful. Maybe the alcohol was wearing off.

“El, it doesn’t matter who you choose to love. It’s just love, and that’s a beautiful thing. You know that, right?” Everyone looked over to the one that had spoken. There, staring back was Lucas. It was the first time he had spoken since Will had arrived at the quarry and everyone was more than a little shocked by the words coming out of his mouth. The other party members, excluding Mike and Will, had personally heard Lucas go on more than one rant about having queers in the group for so long and not even knowing about it. Now he was speaking again though. “I mean, isn’t that true, El?” Her nod was enough of an answer for Lucas to continue.

“I’m sorry, Will. Everything you said today just made me think and… I was a real asshole. I love you no matter what.”

Will looked at him for a long moment, as if considering, then shook his head wryly. “I-I love you too, but you guys should really be apologizing to Mike.”

Lucas nodded firmly in agreement, his aura radiating determination. “Yeah. Let’s do it.”

_____

The soft melodic voices of the band, Chicago were playing in the background, softly droning on. Just say you’ll love me for the rest of your life. I gotta lot of love and I don’t want to let go. Huh. It was just Mike’s luck that the radio would be playing something that only made him think more about his problems, instead of taking his mind off of them. That’s how it usually went, wasn’t it? He was still so scared and hurt by how everything had happened with the party the other day, but more than that, he was worried he’d overstepped things with Will. Maybe he’d gone too far, said too much, and now he’d ruined everything. As the next song popped on, one he didn’t recognize, he heard feet coming down the stairs.

A lot of feet come to think of it, and he hadn’t actually heard that sound in over a week. Mike turned his head towards the sound, where one by one his boyfriend and each of his friends, or ex friends, he wasn’t exactly sure, came around the corner and stopped a few feet away from him.

He blinked a couple of times and then looked at Will, as if to say, um what’s going on here, and then that’s precisely what he did say. “Will, what’s going on? What are they doing here?” He couldn’t keep the bitter edge out of his voice, even as it was clouded by confusion.

“Uh, well they wanted to talk to you.” He could see that Mike was about to interject, and it didn’t look like he had anything nice to say so Will quickly continued before he could put in any words of his own. “Hold on, before you say anything. I already talked to them, okay? And I know this doesn’t fix everything-”

“You’re damn right, it doesn’t!” Mike was on his feet now, looking almost ready for a fight. “I don’t care what you guys think, okay-”

“Sweetie, don’t-”

“No, Will! Are you forgetting what those assholes said to us?! How they treated us?” At this, Will looked down at the floor. He hadn’t forgotten, of course. And sure, it still hurt. But he knew that they meant it when they said they were sorry. “Cause I-I haven’t forgotten.”

“You’re right.” Everyone turned their heads to Will in surprise. “What they said hurt and I can’t just forget that kind of pain, but Mike, look at me.” He walked over to his boyfriend and tipped his chin so it was facing his own face. “They apologized to me, and they meant it. I know they did. So, just give them the chance to do the same to you before you make your choice. Please?” A small smile painted his lips when he saw Mike nod his assent.

The taller teen turned his attention to the rest of the party, who had been looking on in fascination and awe as they watched Will coax Mike into talking with them. Now they seemed to straighten up at having his attention on them.

“Well, talk then.” Mike growled out, clearly impatient and in no mood to be doing this at all.

It struck Max that he was only doing it for Will in the first place, and what a wonderful thing their relationship must actually be. To show that much restraint, clearly uncomfortable and looking ready to crawl out of his own skin. But he stayed, for Will. He didn’t turn them away, for Will. She caught Mike’s eyes and noticed the way his gaze shifted quickly away from hers. Max shook herself out of all of her other thoughts. All she really wanted to do was let him know that she didn’t see him any differently.

“I’m sorry, Mike. I should’ve said something when you guys told us, but I was scared and I thou- well, yeah. I guess, I was just too scared.” Mike kept quiet and looked off to the side. It might seem to ruse to someone else, but Max saw it for what it was. The boy was afraid. She noticed he was clutching Will’s hand, tightly, so she just continued speaking, her tone earnest and soft. “I want you to know that I don’t think of you guys differently, at all.” Mike’s head jerked up to hers at this. “It’s like I told Will, growing up in California, you see gay people all the time. I’m used to all kinds of different people there- I mean, n-not that you guys are different! It’s just not something that everybody l-likes, I guess. I mean- sorry.” She trailed off in a whisper, sighing. Somehow, she had the feeling like she had made things worse, but when she looked at Mike’s face it didn’t look like she had. He had that same wide-eyed look on his face that Will had when she had told him about California and New York.

El patted Max’s arm like she was trying to make her feel better, before she looked at Will and Mike. “Will told me about gay and what it means, so now I know. I’m sorry I didn’t before, Mike. I don’t understand why we dated if you don’t like girls, but you can tell me when you’re ready, okay?”

Mike’s face paled and the group could see Will squeeze his palm. Then Mike said, in a barely there voice, “O-okay.”

El nodded and smiled. “Okay. I’m always here for both of you. Promise.” Everyone felt themselves relax a little when Mike gave her a small grin.

Surprisingly, Lucas was the next to speak up. “Mike. I’ll just get right to it. I know I said some shit things.” Mike let out a snort, but otherwise kept silent, allowing the other teen to continue. “I was a total ass, okay?! And, and I’m just so sorry, man!” Mike was shocked, not by the words, but because Lucas was crying. It’s not that he’d never seen him cry, but it must’ve been a few years at least.

“W-wait, you’re serious right now? This isn’t a joke, right?” Mike was wary, but hopeful. He stepped up to his friend, who suddenly rushed him, pulling him into a massive hug which nobody expected.

“You should love whoever you love, I know that! That’s your right. And you and Will are two of my best friends! Fuck, why would I ever try to stop you from being together? What kind of dick am I?!” Mike didn’t know what to say, so he just did his best to comfort Lucas, rubbing his back and telling him it was alright, everything was fine, but Lucas insisted that everything was not fine, he was actually a giant tool that shouldn’t even be forgiven.

That actually got Mike a laugh out of Mike and it was like the dams breaking open. Then Dustin was running over to them with tears in his eyes, pulling Will in and creating a group hug between the four boys, which Lucas complained about, still grinning ear to ear with his own tear stained face.

“This is Mine and Mike’s moment, Dustin!” Lucas tried shoving the curly haired boy off, playfully.

Dustin just pushed back, ignoring him completely. “But I’m sorry, too! God, can we all just agree that everyone here are assholes except for Will and Mike? And maybe Jane, because there’s a lot she still doesn’t know?”

“Oh, okay actually, yes. I can totally get with that.” Lucas chances a look at his two friends, grinning when he sees that they’re both actually smiling.

“Hey, you two get in here!” And then Mike’s pulling Max into the Hug, and Max is grabbing onto El to drag her into the lovefest and they’re all just hugging. They’ll deny the tears until years later.

_____

Later, when everyone else has gone home and it’s just Mike and Will, they will listen to much happier songs on the radio and talk and Will will mention to Mike that one day, when they do decide to move away, because they will, they should maybe think about New York or California. He hears San Francisco is nice. Mike will whole-heartedly agree. Besides, as long as he’s got his boy by his side, they’ll be alright.

[kinetic-elaboration]

April 12: Thoughts on 1x11 The Calm

Thoughts on 1x11 The Calm:

S1 Bellarke is the hottest Bellarke fight me.

My boy Jasper doesn’t even appear in this ep and he’s STILL being useful literally making gunpowder like fuck off.

Bellamy is all for just killing everyone and Clarke wants to find some other way. I dunno if I read this as her being influenced by Finn or more like...her mind always whirring, always thinking of better solutions. She’s never content with just the most obvious thing. That said, their positions are reversed a season later: Clarke is all for just blasting the top off Mount Weather and Bellamy wants a more nuanced plan because he sees the people on the inside.

Why wasn’t Murphy + Octavia ever a thing? Also Murphy is smart about cooking meat. Chef!Murphy (head)canon already forming.

“When you’re really pissed off, you always find a project. Something to keep your hands busy so you don’t punch someone in the face.” Finn is annoying but this is good Raven characterization intelligence. Also their conversation is so painfully awkward. She really does just tamp it all down, bottle up those emotions.

Literally nothing is hotter than Bellamy being a leader and giving orders and the delinquents being a competent little group defending and taking care of themselves.

And yet again, Clarke suggested hunting and Bellamy essentially had to sign off on it (not only did he challenge on her and make her explain herself, but tbh if Clarke had told people to pick up spears and go they would have been like yeah right princess)--but it was Bellamy who gave the actual orders, BELLAMY who appears as the leader in the delinquent pov.

I wish there were more young delinquents--really young not Jasper-and-Monty young. Like this loquacious kid who goes hunting with Finn and Clarke. Or even Charlotte, kids that age. ...Really I just wish there were more delinquents. :/

So Raven’s first instinct isn’t to fuck away the pain, it’s to run. Dumb but understandable. She insults Bellamy based on his Ark job (”Aren’t you a janitor?”) which also feeds into my other theory about Ark and class status.

I know I’ve written B/raven stuff and I do ship them in a low-key way, in a ‘they would be interesting together’ way...but I don’t ship them in a canon way, tbqh. In this Bellamy and Raven scene, I see them having a good rapport, but in a way I also see him working her, getting her back on track not just for her own good but for everyone’s good. He has a double agenda and both parts are important.

I wonder how much familiarity everyone on the Ark has with everyone else. That’s not totally clear... people seem to have passing familiarity with others, but not close familiarity. On the other hand, Wick seems pretty comfortable just talking to a Councilor like whatever nbd. On the other, other hand that could be Wick’s personality and/or the circumstances. Most of the ship is probably dead and the rest will die soon so why be formal!

The creepiness of the Ark in this ep should not be understated.I love this aesthetic.

I want to know what the best part of a boar is! Clarke, don’t interrupt. Rude.

Two main characters and a kid you’ve never seen before go hunting in the woods. Which one is going to get speared?

Say what you want about Wick but he and Kane made a good team and I will stand by this opinion too.

In describing their route, Finn said they crossed a road. What road?? When have there ever been roads anywhere in this show?

Kane found a dozen survivors, Jaha has, like, 3....and somehow in Camp Jaha/Arkadia there are like several hundred (?) people. From only two stations like how is that possible? Also didn’t Farm Station have a couple hundred? They must have sent down over a thousand people lol. Kane did not find very many.

Also that Earth Monitoring Station is where the space survivors are living now and it was fucking destroyed in a fire but I guess we’ve just conveniently forgotten about that, huh useless show writers who can’t figure out their own continuity?

Kane has this annoying habit of just being uselessly self-sacrificing all the time. He would be so much more effective if he didn’t do that. He has a lot of hubris, I think. The unforgivable sin: thinking yourself so debased as to be unforgivable. It’s also another way of elevating yourself, of thinking yourself so important that you have sinned more than any other, are worse than any other...it’s still all ‘me me me.’ I think Kane is like that. He’s always looking for ways to sacrifice himself or to be dangerously heroic. I wonder if that matters more to him than, like, actual other people. (Some of this analysis could apply to Jaha at certain parts of his story, though mostly imo in S1. In S2 he starts thinking a little differently.) (ETA it definitely applies to him in this ep, where he wanted to sacrifice himself [and Sinclair] and Kane’s like ‘I’m not a dumbass, we need you smart people to save everyone else, this isn’t a wholly altruistic rescue mission you know.”)

Anya’s idiotic guilt trip re: Tris: “You did this to her.” Yeah I know she’s like 12 and that makes Clarke feel bad because her people don’t use pre-adolescents as soldiers but she should take the attitude she took with L. later. You don’t want me to fuck you up? Don’t attack me first. Would Anya be shedding any tears over the dead, disgusting bodies of the children her chemical attack killed? I doubt it. And they weren’t even soldiers! I mean really the Grounder attacks on the delinquent camp are the equivalent of an attack on a village of civilians, especially initially.

So Monty finds some of the first evidence of Mount Weather (the exodus ship logs showing interference) and Raven’s like ‘neato...give me that for parts.’ He’s much more curious than she is. She’s more...practical? Single-minded? Not that Monty isn’t practical. I dunno. Unrelated but I had this sudden image of modern!Monty listening for signs of alien life, for some reason.

Monty wants to keep the radio because he still believes in the Ark and he wants to see his parents again. “My family is up there.” Makes me even more curious what his relationship with his family is like. (You’d think S3 would have answered that but...not really.) He’s one of the few people who seems to care about those left on the Ark. And he looks so sad when Raven unplugs it... A rare moment when he lives up to his fandom cinnamon roll image. And when Raven leaves he picks up the radio thingy and I wonder if he’s considering putting it back together.

Murphy has a fish.

I gotta love Raven’s confidence: I’m hot and I’ve identified a straight man, if I start undressing, he’ll sleep with me. If I were as hot as her, I’d probably be that confident too, but still.

Bellamy’s “I’m not that guy” speech is actually hilarious when parsed. It’s like the equivalent of “IF I were going to say X, it would sound like this, but since I can’t, I won’t.” Like “If you’re looking for someone to tell you [a list of things in detail], that’s not me.” But you just did dumbass. His ‘bad boy’ persona cracks so easy.

Right before Clarke unpacks the medical tools, there’s a shot of a random $50 bill on the ground. Mmmmm something tells me that our weak U.S. paper isn’t going to survive a century post-apocalypse lol. There’s also a piece of paper. What is that stuff doing there?

Oh never mind. It’s an old bank. There’s paper and cash all over and lots of little drawers. Makes sense, banks would have vaults, and bunkers did have money in them. Maybe they’re in the Treasury’s old bunker. I never noticed that before, but it’s actually quite clever. The set design on this show is A-PLUS.

I’m not into the enemies-to-lovers thing generally but Anya/Clarke should have been a thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.

What an incredibly unsatisfying sexual encounter.

Kane says ‘no more than 1,000 survivors’ and ‘at least 1,500 dead.’ There have to have been at least 1,000 though, because they send them down on 12 ships and assuming they spread themselves about equally (which isn’t necessarily true but would be the smartest thing), that would be about 83 people to a ship. And I’m fairly sure Farm Station had more than 83 people and I’m also semi-sure that Arkadia as of 3x01 had more than 166. I mean it’s really hard to tell, and I can’t remember what sort of casualty numbers they gave for the Mount Weather explosion, but these seem like very low numbers to me. I don’t know. Maybe it does make sense and I’m just missing or mis-remembering something.

Having said all that, they did find another cache of survivors after this dialogue (including Abby), which might explain the discrepancy. (ETA not really because they only find, like, 10.)

Kane’s trip through the vent is a nightmare scenario for me so I’m just gonna...not watch.

Lindsey Morgan is so kickass in this ep, like how she stutters a little bit on “family” when she’s talking to Monty.

I completely forgot about this but the Grounders literally try to steal Clarke away like wtf. First of all, I wouldn’t trust her even as far as I could throw her if I were them. And second...she’s the enemy? But “prove your worth and you’ll be welcome here” I guess. Maybe Anya’s into her. I guess it’s good to poach the best talent from the other side before you destroy them. Also love that Clarke pretends to consider it.

The kill marks are to symbolize kills in combat so, really, Clarke’s 3x01 crack abut not having room on her back for all the deaths she’d caused misses the point...as far as I can remember she’s never actually killed in combat. Killing in self-defense, in group self-defense, or as part of an overall military-type mission isn’t the same as in combat, especially as she mostly acts as a general-type person, giving orders rather than doing deeds. Even pulling the lever, with Bellamy, is an awfully sanitized way of killing.

Going after this guy, getting him talking, taking out his knee and then slashing his throat, is one of Clarke’s best moments. HIGHLY UNDERRATED. Really second only to her escape from Mount Weather in early S2. Also props to Eliza Taylor, I appreciate how her expression afterward is half ‘oh shit I killed a man, this is terrible’ and half like steely resolve and determination.

Can Monty not tell the cardinal directions? (Your other West, Monty.)

A rare moment where Octavia and Raven seem like friends. Actually this is a good Octavia episode. She’s only in 3 scenes, which might explain why...

Also underrated is the tense but quick blnk-and-you’d-miss-it horror movie moment of Monty being taken by the Mountain Men. “What’s that creepy signal?.... Omigod... “ And he was never seen or heard from again.

So...why did the Mountain Men take him? Shits and giggles? To see if they could experiment on him? They seemed to have decided pretty quickly that the Sky People were like them, guests rather than blood resources. I wonder what the thought process was.

The end of this episode was aces. Great set up for the finale. I miss when this show was good.

[zapresshawn-blog]

gerardo, the one who considers himself “that bitch”

“stop calling yourself ‘that bitch.’ you’re not nicki minaj. you’re not cardi b. dude, you’re just ‘a bitch.’’

these are words that came out of my mouth during what i’m guessing will be the last date between gerardo and i.

this isn’t a flashback story. gerardo is was the most current guy i considered myself “talking to.” yes, i was also texting another guy. i move fast. i’ll get there. 

like all great gay relationships, we met on tinder. it’s a little classier than grindr so i’m cool with it. i wish i could go back and screenshot some of the cute first messages we exchanged but i’ve been blocked. unlike instagram and twitter, i’m unable to create a fake account to gather this information. 

we met at hache la, a cute little hamburger joint in silver lake. i wasn’t sure what to expect so a dinner date seemed safe. i could stuff my face and bounce if necessary. i’m not going to lie, after dinner i still wasn’t sure what to think but he was cute enough to invite to one of the music venues i work at for a show. we drank a little, watched a few bands, and spent over an hour making out in my car outside of his parents house. the definition of romantic. 

things kind of picked up quickly after that. we hung out twice that week including another show + a night of real housewives of atlanta and cuddling. me knowing myself and that cuddling always (well 69% of the time) leads to sex, i decided it was best to get tested for STDs. i like to make sure i’m not carrying any past mistakes into new relationships. i’m responsible like that. results came back decemeber 6th, negative. duh. 

the next week included another show + another night of real housewives of atlanta and cuddling. this was becoming a tradition in my eyes. it doesn’t take much to win me over. reality television and shitty food hit the spot. 

however, the excitement of a new relationship started to wear off one saturday night he decided to ignore a text. let me paint the picture. i had spent the evening at a party in the hollywood hills and texted him around 11:30pm because for some reason this “hollywood party” that i had been looking so forward to ended very early. he responded that he was at my favorite gay bar in downtown with his friend kevin and cindy.  me being me, i sent, “thanks for the invite.” i’m cute like that. did he respond? nope. however, he did find the time to follow a guy on instagram and like a couple of his pictures. i tried to stay calm. i told myself, “he’s out. he will text me in like 30 minutes. nbd.” time passed, nothing. i called friends looking for someone to put my mind at ease but nothing was working. it’s literally impossible to get me out of my head once i fall in a hole. so me being shameless, i sent a text calling him out for ignoring me with the receipts to prove he had been on his phone. he magically responded to this immediately but the damage had been done. i was mad and there was nothing he could have said that night to make me feel better. i needed to vent. he stopped responding which, looking back, was definitely the best decision. 

i wasn’t mad that he had followed a new gay on instagram that also happened to live in los angeles and definitely looked like someone you would meet on a dating app. no. i was just upset about being ignored. 

the next day he finally responded in the morning saying, “the guy was someone in the bar that MADE him and his friends follow him on instagram.” queue stalker zack. before responding to gerardo i went to this guy’s instagram to see if in fact cindy and kevin had followed him as well. they hadn’t but a guy by the name of garconfilm on instagram who had also been recently followed by gerardo had followed him right after gerardo. this told me that 1. i probably wasn’t invited to precinct because he was with this guy and didn’t want me to know. 2. i can’t 100% trust gerardo because, while i never found cindy’s instagram, i know kevin is active and should have followed this guy as well. 

i could have went off and accused him of lying. trust me, i wanted to but i was tired and honestly over it the next day. the guy wasn’t cute and i told myself, “if he chooses this loser over me then so be it. i’m better then that anyways.” stay humble.

by this point, i was off apps. i wasn’t seeking out any other guys. i wanted to give gerardo a true chance.

it’s crazy how being ignored once can change all of that. i started to truly think about what he was bringing to the table. he is 22, works at two restaurants downtown, lives at home with his family, wants to be a comedian, calls himself that bitch, and takes like 5 years to respond to texts. there’s nothing wrong with anything stated in that sentence but is it what i’m looking for in a partner? not really. i’m 27, i work full time for two music venues downtown, i consider myself a nice guy, i have my own space, and if i don’t respond within 30 minutes then i’m dead.

so i said yes when oscar, a guy i went out with a few times this past summer, asked to hang out. he was a guy that i already knew, who i found attractive, who was responding to all of my texts immediately, and was the one asking me out instead of me having to make all the plans. it was the complete opposite of everything gerardo was doing. 

it felt harmless to me. well it started harmless. i can’t lie. i held his hand during the movie and we may have kissed after he walked me to my car. if that makes me a horrible person then i accept i’m a horrible person. 

would i have been hurt if gerardo would have done the same thing? absolutely. it’s not that i didn’t feel bad after because i did. i just knew that i was at a place where i needed to talk with gerardo about what we really needed out of a relationship and that was my plan. i mean, we had been planning on hanging out the next night. what could possibly go wrong in less than 24 hours?

don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to.

we were planning another night of real housewives and cuddling. i was planning on hitting him with la la land. remember, it’s our tradition and all i want is someone to tap with at the griffith observatory. 

after waking up to a cute text and a confirmation for that night, gerardo sent me a text informing me that he will now be going to dinner with his friends cindy and ashley at 5:30pm. 

look, i would never ask someone to ditch their friends for me but our plans were for 9:30-10pm because i had my work holiday party that night. needless to say, i was not happy about this at all. he called me. i tried to make sense of the situation but came across as needy. in my mind, he could easily make both of these plans work. when i brought the timeline to his attention he literally said, “let me ask my friends if i can.” as if his friends suddenly became the people who dictate his life. like bitch, did cindy give birth to you also? i was hurt. he hung up. i had a horrible time at the holiday party. he texted me after and invited me to his friends house and i made the mistake of going. 

i got to the loft where ashley lived in downtown. i was greeted outside by gerardo as i’m finishing a cigarette. it’s clear that i would rather be anywhere else in los angeles but that i’m trying to be a good sport and make this work because i do care about this guy. i was immediately shocked the second i walk into the loft and saw that it’s not only gerardo, cindy, and ashley but also ashley’s (i’m guessing) 2 year old son running around as they smoke and take shots of gin.

i think kids are awesome. i used to hate them and get creeped out but as i get older, i do see myself as a father one day. this does not mean that i want a kid running around as i’m taking shots but not my child, not my problem. as the great whitney houston once sang, “i believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way.” ashley obviously had the right idea. 

i figured that gerardo had probably said rude shit about our conversation earlier on the phone so i was in damage control mode. i hate when i feel like people don’t like me. especially if they’ve never actually met me before. 

gerardo doesn’t smoke so when ashley and cindy went outside i decided this was my opportunity to impress them. wrong. they barely acknowledged i was outside with them. their conversation was so “inside” that it was impossible for me to jump in. it was then that i decided there was nothing i could do and i wanted to leave. i know everyone in that room could feel the irritation radiating off of me and i didn’t care. there was so much shit going on in that apartment that i didn’t care for and i just wanted to go home. after almost 2 hours, gerardo asked if i was ready. i said, “yes.”

this is the beginning of our first argument. i did everything but run out of that loft but i could tell gerardo was dragging his feet. i knew he wanted to stay with his friends. why? idk, ask jesus. but deep down i knew. so i said, “you don’t have to come with me if you don’t want to.” he responded, “i know i don’t. i would have been completely fine if i hadn’t seen you tonight but now you’re here and i’m going with you.” 

there’s something about that statement that just didn’t sit right with me. we’re talking about the guy i’m trying to actually date saying he would be ok if he didn’t see me. i mean, not to be dramatic, but i was getting very heavy, “fuck our plans, fuck you, fuck whatever this relationship is” vibes from him at that moment. 

the way i think about it ... we are in our first month. we should be excited to see each other. 

friends and being busy isn’t an excuse with me. i work a full time job monday through friday, i work at a coffee shop on saturdays, i go to shows / events every night, i hang out with my friends, and i date. don’t come at me with the “i’m busy” line. 

i’m not going to lie and say i never thought about his age but this was definitely a moment i was reminded that he was 5 years younger. when we got back to my place he started saying the dumbest shit to prove that he was “that bitch” and a “bad guy.” i think the gin shots had definitely hit him by this point. 

some of his best lines included, “i hate homeless people. i wish they would all die.” and “i can’t stand asians. they annoy me.” remember this guy wants to be a comedian so i was waiting for the punchline. unfortunately, there wasn’t one. he was just being a dick. 

i was sleepy and completely over it by this point but that doesn’t mean i wasn’t still horny. you see, gerardo had a not so secret weapon over me. his ass. he may be short and a little more skinny than i usually like my guys but damn, that ass tho. so we played around. he shared with me that night that he had only had sex with one person but “sucks dick all the time.” well the self proclaimed dick sucking pro ended up hitting my penis with his teeth that night so things quickly came to a halt. 

the next morning i woke up with discharge and the thought in the back of my mind that this relationship may not be healthy for me. so i called the lgbt center and made plans with oscar to hang out again on thursday. flashback to earlier in this post where i shared my STD results. negative. meaning that in the two weeks since i had been tested, gerardo would have had to have messed with another guy. he was the only one sucking my dick. i shared the fun news with him and he took it very well. i also shared a story with him about another guy i was talking to earlier in the year. i swore he gave me an STD and that all the symptoms were present. i was treated before i got my results back saying that i was negative. my body is weird. so did gerardo give me something. i’m still not sure. i was only tested a few hours ago but i’ll keep you in the loop. 

anyways, all of this leads to wednesday night (december 20, 2017). gerardo was supposed to come over to my house for movie after i finished grabbing drinks with my old roommate, lindsey. he was an hour and a half late due to being called into work. when he arrived i felt he was acting a little standoffish. he downed a bottle of wine as we watched drop dead gorgeous, one of my favorite movies. he finally came to cuddle with me on the couch when the 2 hour movie had finished but fell asleep soon after and started mumbling shit that didn’t make any sense. i suggested it was time for bed. 

i honestly don’t remember what started the argument. i too had been drinking and was half asleep. things escalated fast. *insert quote from beginning of this post* + me throwing in his face that i was going to be seeing oscar the next night.

i really don’t know how to keep my mouth shut. it’s a problem.

i wanted to punch this guy, cuddle him, kick him out, and kiss him all at the same time. i was completely over his bullshit but also didn’t want him to go. it doesn’t make any sense but i believe we’ve all been there before. 

we fought for a long time. both of us interrupting the other. it was going nowhere. 

i don’t blame gerardo for being upset. i lost his trust by admitting that i had spent time with oscar. although it was innocent, i had just used it against him. 

i tried to explain that i didn’t feel like our relationship was strong enough yet for me to swerve other guys. i tried to explain that maybe he isn’t able to give me the attention i need because he is always so consumed in himself. i know that sounds like a dig but it’s not. he is and will admit it. he isn’t in a position to put someone else’s feelings before his own. at least not mine. while i’m over here bending over backwards to just get a text back from him during the day. 

as much as it sucks, we were at two different points in the relationship. he didn’t like dealing with my emotions. there’s a lot. i definitely require someone with patience but i feel like there has to be someone out there who feels as much as i do. 

he unfollowed me on everything and i’m sure deleted my number but i do wish him the best. i hope he either keeps it strictly casual with future partners or finds a guy who is able to steal his attention away from his friends. accomplish what i was not able to. 

the lesson i learn from this story is, if a guy refers to himself as a bitch, believe it and go find something better for yourself.