#high fantasy roleplaying? no it's a dress up game and brother

[katsigian]

So I'm gaming. And I decide to play dress up with the companions. I'm playing as Callistus currently and I have all my little backpacks and pouches filled with clothes and dye in inventory so I can pick them on the fly while I'm in Party View

And I just had this cutesy little idea that Cal is busy going to each person and holding up clothes for them like "Hmm...no not your colour. Try this one. No, too garish. I agree completely: far too plain. Try on this one. Perfect. Add these here pauldrons and bracers. Oh, you look so fashionable You're lovely." before moving onto the next companion who will also get a taste of Cal's Magic Traveling Fashion Trunk

He does not care if they grumble at him and he does not mind if they're picky. Though the Most Patient Man Alive aka Gale likely would not pitch a fit in the slightest. Astarion and Karlach might actually enjoy it quite a bit. Besides who can resist a friendly man that focused on making sure his friends look dapper and sharp. I know I surely wouldn't be able to

[skipppppy]

Anyway I’m bored and Carmen Sandiego renaissance is on the brain. What are these characters like when they aren’t focused on the main plot?? Non VILE/ACME/Caper related dialogue seems so few and far between.. I wish we got to see their lives outside work. So I made some headcanons abt it

CARMEN

Player was her first exposure to the outside world so she probably holds a lot of his nerdy interests close to her heart. She’s not the best at video games but plays them regardless. She especially enjoys sci-fi horror movies from the 80s that go big on practical effects

Finding random trivia about different countries is genuinely one of her favourite hobbies. The little info segments she does are not part of the edutainment show. She is genuinely just like that. This woman is a trove of fun facts please let her unleash them upon you

In the same vein she LOVES quizzes. After missions she will drag Team Red to any bar doing a trivia night in her vicinity and will wipe the floor with everyone there. Fear her

Enjoys people watching. It’s why she’s so good at charming strangers despite her socially stunted upbringing. She’ll sit alone in a busy train station for hours and watch everyone pass her by

PLAYER

Look. We know this kid is a nerd. It’s canon. But which niche of nerdiness does he fall into exactly?

Despite being an avid gamer he isn’t very competitive about it. He prefers single player rpgs, especially ones with active modding scenes. He doesn’t even know what vanilla Skyrim looks like he probably wasn’t even born yet when it released

He will, however, duo queue with Carmen on unranked Overwatch. They are both terrible at it and think it’s the funniest shit

Enjoys sitting back and watching a good speedrun. Will have a video of someone doing a stupid BOTW challenge in the background while he hacks security cameras and such

Runs a DnD campaign for Team Red which they’re all crazy invested in. Shadowsan is the only one who doesn’t care for it but he keeps rolling nat 20’s on the dumbest shit and derailing the campaign and he finds everyone’s reactions too entertaining to stop. They have a rivalry only a DM and a stupidly lucky rogue could have

ZACK

We already know he’s kind of a meathead that enjoys sports and cars and cheesy action movies but I also think he has a lot of softer hobbies that he keeps to himself bc he knows they won’t take him seriously

He’s a secret crocheter. He’ll mend the team’s clothes when they rip but that’s the extent of their knowledge. He’ll sit for hours by himself and knit while listening to music. Sometimes Shadowsan will find a new pair of socks in his bag. When Carmen got sick once she woke up with a handmade blanket draped over her. Ivy has her suspicions but doesn’t wanna intrude

He loves animals. He never really brings it up because no one ever asks. He always checks out local zoos and aquariums if he has the chance. Grew up watching Steve Irwin-esque nature shows and still does to this day

His love of eating is less out of greed and more his own form of cultural appreciation. Idk what happened to his and Ivy’s parents but for reasons he can’t explain their cooking is one of the few things he hasn’t forgotten, so he has a lot of sentimental food-based memories. And experiencing other countries cuisine connects him with that

IVY

PERIOD DRAMAS. They don’t have to be good they just have to be steamy. She enjoys the hot women in pretty dresses. She and Carmen watch Bridgerton together and laugh about how historically inaccurate it is

She LOVES renfaires and similar high fantasy roleplaying communities. Someone please buy this woman a suit of armour

As an engineering prodigy AND fantasy buff she has a massive interest in Blacksmithing and Swords. That’s her designated lesbian hobby. She’s been trying to politely worm her way into a conversation with Shadowsan about the blade he returned to his brother for months now but isn’t sure if it’s too personal of a topic for him so she’s nervous

Her sweet tooth encompasses more than just chocolate. She’s secretly grateful to Zack since he takes most of the flack for being a glutton. She makes note of any bakeries they pass by on capers so she can come back later in secret and go ham on the pastries

SHADOWSAN

I think his interest in Samurai history starts and ends with his love for Hideo. He’ll happily discuss it and he’s studied it passionately, but out of a sense of respect and duty to do right by the brother he betrayed

He will NEVER, EVER admit it to anyone but he genuinely misses the adrenaline rush from committing petty crimes. He was a criminal for over 20 years. Lifestyles are hard to shake and change isn’t linear. He’d never succumb to impulse but he’s just kinda bored

He microdoses on the urge by pranking people. Everyone always blames Zack so he never gets caught. He also enjoys sneaking up on people and making them jump. He’ll always insist it’s unintentional. It isn’t

He’ll read and meditate and train to keep himself centred but he’s still a rowdy young punk at heart. Team Red is the first taste of freedom he’s had after a lifetime of VILE faculty monitoring him. The first thing he bought for himself after settling in at the San Diego HQ was a motorbike. The second was a new tattoo. The third was a potentially lethal amount of whiskey that he drank in one sitting

JULIA

We know she has a passion for history outside her work in Law Enforcement so she definitely goes to all kinds of museums in her free time. She’s the kind of person who enjoys learning just for the sake of learning (she and Carmen have that in common)

Outside of that she’s surprisingly good at karaoke? She gets stage fright but really likes singing and will go all out if you hype her up. Her taste in music is the exact opposite of her appearance and personality. Lots and lots of death metal

An aficionado for different types of tea. She keeps like 10 flavours in her house at all times. She especially likes floral ones that taste light and sweet. She hates iced tea with a passion though

Goes to botanical gardens whenever the weather is warm and the season is right. She likes the history of the old manor houses but she also loves admiring the landscaping and the blooming flowers. She could sit on a bench surrounded by local flora and fauna for hours

DEVINEAUX

Chase is an entirely different person when he’s off the clock. The unhinged high-energy maniac who froths at the mouth about La Femme Rouge goes dormant once he gets home. Especially after he got stranded on VILE island. That really gave him some introspection about work/life balance

The biggest, softest, sappiest hopeless romantic you will ever meet in your life. Passion is just part of his nature and he gets his heart broken A LOT. It’s why he throws himself into his work

He’s a really good chef. Like REALLY good. Before he was a cop he did a few summers as a line cook in his teen years and he retained most of the knowledge. His pantry is STACKED and he tries out recipes he picked up from his ACME travels in his free time. He’s a tad snobby about it because he’s French but you will not complain about the stuff he feeds you

Old movie enjoyer. His favourites are film noirs, cheesy romances, creepy eastern european animation and german expressionism. He has a fervent hatred of Marvel

Also one of those insane people who get up at 5am to do cardio. One morning before a mission he met Agent Zari with barely a glisten of sweat on his forehead and sadly informed her that he only got to run 15k and he wished he had time to do more. That was the first time she ever knew fear

[suckitsurveys]

How much did your senior prom dress cost you?I Less than $200. It was on sale from David’s Bridal and needed a couple alterations.

What dreams have stuck with you since childhood? I don’t know.

Have you ever been in a serious romantic relationship? Yes, I am in one now.

Did you ever take your dog to school? No.

If you had had a baby in high school, what would you have named him or her? Probably some dumb shit like Roxy.

If you had a baby now, what would you name him or her? I am not having a baby ever.

Have you ever seen someone throw up on a plane? No.

Do you get motion sickness? Sometimes.

Has God ever healed you of any sickness? No, because doctors and science heal you, buddy.

What is the most boring church you have ever attended? I haven’t been to many traditional church services but I used to have to go to a service every week in high school and it was the awful. Buncha stinky teens sitting on uncomfy bleachers in the school gym at 7 in the morning listening to our principle blabber on about shit. I went to a Lutheran high school because the Chicago Public School system is bullshit and I had to go to a private school and almost all private schools are religious even though my family wasn’t/isn’t religious in the slightest.

What is the most lively church you have ever attended? None.

Do you find church fun or boring? Boring af.

What do you hate the most about summer? Sometimes it can be too hot, but for the most part I love summer.

Which part of your body is the most muscular? My legs.

Did you ever take Latin in school? No, it wasn't offered.

Which major holiday is closest to your birthday? Labor Daybor.

What is your favorite Japanese name? I don’t have one.

Have you ever ran a cash register? Yes.

Did you collect Bratz dolls when you were younger? That was a little after my time.

Do you think your mom is attractive? She was really pretty.

What was the last thing that disappointed you? Having to wake up this morning.

Do you like the feeling in your stomach on a big drop on a roller coaster? I do actually.

Skeletons or scarecrows? Skeletons.

Do you own pumpkin earrings? I do.

What computer game did you used to play all the time? I didn’t really play a ton of computer games.

When was the last time you read a book? Good question.

Would you allow your children to date prior to 16? (assuming you want any) --

What was the last restaurant you made a reservation at? I think that was Hampton Social over the summer. Which app on your phone do you tend to get the most notifications from? Instagram

What is something you gave up on after many failed attempts? Actually liking my brother in law. Do you watch political shows? Not regularly. How fucking boring is your life that you watch political shows FOR FUN.

Do you play any fantasy/roleplaying games? No.

Do you like salami? Not particularly.

When was the last time you ate meat? I had a tuna sandwich for lunch today.

What was the last hot drink you drank? A matcha latte.

Have your parents met your boyfriend/exes? My parents have met my husband, yes.

How about your boyfriend’s parents? Met them? Only his mother; his dad past away when he was young.

Do you know how to say I love you in at least 4 languages? I think so.

Do you find the sound of a cat’s purr relaxing? It’s SO relaxing.

Do you know your mum’s first pet’s name? She had a dog named Drum she talked about a lot. She lost him in a fire. :( I’m not sure if that was her first pet though.

Would you ever want to be famous? If so, for what? I want to be Pete Davidson’s next ex girlfriend hahahhahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Would you ever get a heart tattoo or your back? I want a heart tattoo that my older niece draws and my younger niece colors in, but I’m not sure where I want to get it.

What fruit can’t you stand? Grapefruit.

Do you know anyone autistic? Yes.

How about someone bipolar? Yes.

What do you consider private to you? Depends on the context.

Name somebody you know who deserves a better life than they have: --

Name something that you’re good at but don’t like: Working.

Name something that you’re bad at but DO like: Singing and dancing.

Name somebody who has tried to help you and ended up hurting you: --

Name a date that has a lot of significance to you: July 24th. It’s the date Mark and I started dating (2011) and the date we got married (2017).

Name something in your life that was a blessing in disguise: Ending a friendship.

Name something that you’ve done that would be considered rebellious: Tattoos ooooooooooo I’m so bad.

Name something you wish you had enough money to do: Travel more.

[apparentlyaswarmofbees]

Let's kickstart the reopening of requests with some Levi loving moments shall we~

I decided to kind of merge both of them together, I hope it ended good~

Have a good day too~♡

I wrote this while having the newest song from E ve, Aono Waltz on repeat the whole time. It's so good

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Wave Vortex - A Leviathan x MC mini fic

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Summary

It happened so fast. Too fast.

If anyone asked Levi if he had ever been in love, he wouldn't miss a beat before replying 'yes'.

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Warning: uncensored swearing, Leviathan being anxious and insecure af.

.

It was supposed to be a fun evening, he had finally put his foot down on his insecurities and asked his best friend, THE best of friends, to go on a date with him.

And they said yes, hells, they said yes.

He was on cloud nine for the entire week, day and night, during boss fights, anime episodes, even to the point of spacing out inside his fantasies while he was trying to rant to Henry exactly about said fantasies.

He was happy, so damn happy. But he was also scared shitless.

He was just so awkward, he couldn't do anything right except for being an otaku, he was ugly and couldn't even express himself unless he was roleplaying, he just knew he would ruin this, he knew.

But he was just so excited.

And now as he sat on a bench outside the human world Aquarium you two were supposed to be having a fun evening at, he couldn't help but think that he should have cancelled the plans and walked away as soon as he started having bad feelings.

Not that it wasn't fun at the start of course.

He may have had arrived one hour earlier than promised and probably made you feel bad about having him wait though for some reason you arrived only a few minutes after.

"I was just too excited to come" they had said, he knew they had to have known he left earlier and came rushing despise it all, he really is a pain in the ass isn't he?

But even so, the moment he bumped his hands with yours and you took a hold of his pinkie, his brain was mush all over again.

He tried his best to make it fun for you, speaking to every single aquatic life swimming around and translating to you whatever they were thinking.

"Oh... Oh!" He exclaimed

"What is it?" You looked back and forth between the demon and the silver fish staring at you two from the glass "what did it say?"

"I-It likes my eyes" he didn't know how to feel about being complimented by a fish, though Henry did cheer him up whenever he needed.

He could hear you chuckle from besides him and turned his head to look at you (he got a bit startled when he met your gaze, were you looking at him all this time?) "I like them too" you smiled, his eyes widened "your eyes kind of remind me of a sunset".

He was spluttering incoherent noises for a good five minutes after.

You guys even found a little place selling soft ice cream cones, he was a bit excited to find what flavor you would order, maybe next time you two hung out together he could pull one of those date moves and get an ice cream for the both of you...

"...What next time?" Leviathan hunched his back over his legs, hiding his face in his arms. Would there be a next time...?

It was all going so well, even though he was a nervous wreck and couldn't even fully grasp onto his best friend's hand because he was a coward just like that. Even then, even then, he believed the two of you were having enough fun, you told him so, and you were smiling, so at least part of it had to actually be true.

But of course, his younger siblings had to come a ruin everything.

And it happened so fast, too fast.

You asked to try his ice cream, now that he looks back at it, he isn't sure why because you two had gotten the same flavor afterall.

But he didn't think of that at the time and let you take a taste.

And he was just so hipnotized by your lips covered in ice cream, he seriously pondered if this was what Beel felt like while looking at food. That little smile, the small lap of your tongue as you cleaned the skin off the cold treat, and missing a spot.

He was going insane.

And that's when it happened.

"Just kiss already dammit!" Came a loud scream from not so far behind him.

It was familiar and high pitched, Asmo, and followed by a second familiar voice, Satan, telling the other to not yell.

But it was too late. The damage was already done.

The moment the lust sibling had finished his line the ice cream cone Leviathan was holding out for you fell off his hands in a jerk motion as he jumped.

Spilling all over your chin, neck and clothes.

Clothes you had specifically told him were your favorite and you had specifically dressed with because you spe cifically told him you also wanted today to be special.

Fuck

Fuck

"Fuck!" He exclaimed right there and then.

You looked down at yourself, mouth agape.

He couldn't stay there. He had to get away, away before you got angry, away before you officially declared all his hopes for naught.

And that's how he found himself trying to not have a full blown panic attack on the pretty damn unconfortable bench he found his sorry ass seated upon outside of the hellhole his brothers and their human housemate found themselves in. Well deserved for someone like him right?

Now that he thinks about it, he should have stayed and helped you clean up right?

"Fuck" he groaned before raising his head to prevent the tears gathering around his eyes to spill out.

He really just had to make a big deal out of everything and ruin it didn't he?

Why was he always like this?

"Levi!" Oh sweet lord of shadows he almost jumped out of his skin again, it was you. And you were running towards him.

He debated to himself if he should run away or stay, deciding that he already ruined things enough by not helping you clean up, he should start apologizing, maybe that will make you less angry-

He stood up, he couldn't make his feet move towards you but he was ready to speak, he could try to do damage control, he could do it.

He opened his mouth to speak but you were faster, you always were.

"Are you okay?"

And he felt so stupid all of sudden.

You weren't angry, you were concerned.

You shirt was clean though he could see it was still wet, why weren't you angry?

Well, he already knew the answer.

Because it was you.

You understood him, you knew he was already on a peak of anxiety the moment he asked you on a date a week ago, you knew him.

You knew him.

And so he couldn't help but start crying.

But this time he didn't hide, he didn't run. This time he reached for your hand first, this time he held onto it fully, this time he really looked at you.

"It's okay! I'm not angry!" He was making you even more worried and you didn't know if you should touch him or not "you're much more important than my favorite clothes! Well, it is still going to be a pain to wash it though-" he kind of wanted to let out a defeated laugh at that.

"I knoooow" he said in between tears. "I'm sorryyy"

He heard you sigh "I know" of course you did "and I forgive you" of course you did "and the day is not over yet, we can still do something fun today!" You paused, looking down, almost skepish "and I want to spend more time with you", he held his breath.

Of course you did.

"I'm sorry I didn't stay to help you clean" he finally let out in a husky voice. He wanted to blame Asmo, be angry at him for startling him in the first place, but either way he shouldn't have left you alone "if it stains I can try to find some kind of spell to get it off"

He looked down to his feet, his hand was still holding onto yours tightly.

You were quiet for a while, he was about to look back up when you did the job for him by lifting it up by his chin with your hand gently.

And you kissed him.

Deeply yet softly, gently yet passionatelly.

He didn't know what he was expecting but it definetelly wasn't this.

You cupped one of his cheeks with your free hand, his face stunned, but at least the tears stopped coming.

"I do love you Leviathan" was all that scaped those lips he was already starting to miss.

If anyone asked Levi if he had ever been in love, he wouldn't miss a beat before replying 'yes'.

Afterall he loved a lot of things: He loved his animes, he loved his games, he loved Henry and he loved his waifus and husbandos. He loved many things but, none of those things could ever reciprocate his feelings, not really.

And he was used to it, he was used to loving without being loved, it was safer, better, free of potential rejection.

But you loved him.

Even after so many times he ranted your ear off about something you probably weren't interested in, even after not being able to fully help when you felt bad other than keeping you company and entertained, even after he has proven himself to be too much of a coward to be fully honest with his feelings but still too stubborn to fully give up on them, even after he ruined your favorite clothes and left you alone to clean it up.

He really needed to step up in his game huh?

He felt his face burn and his heart burst, he wanted to look away from your eyes but couldn't.

Leviathan really did love a lot of things.

"I... I do, I love you too"

And one of those things was definetelly you.

[ladymiseria]

Smut Alphabet- Levi

Considering this a warm-up of sorts to my latest foray of fic-writing.  I have ones for Belphie and Satan planned, as well, so expect those sometime soon.

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

-Lots of hugs and cuddling.  Constantly asking if you’re okay, if you need anything, if you enjoyed yourself.  He likes resting on your chest and having his hair pet and getting plenty of reassurance.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

-Levi likes his hands.  All his time spent playing video games has made him very dexterous and he knows it.  He loves using just his hands to get you off.

Levi is a leg man.  He loves anything that shows of your legs like short skirts, thigh highs, fishnets.  He always wants to touch your thighs and run his hands up your legs or even just have your legs slung over his lap while you relax together.  Also, in true otaku form, he’s a sucker for that absolute territory.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

-He’ll never object to coming inside, but he also loves coming on your face (with your permission, of course).  He’s also been known to paint your chest and back with his cum when the mood strikes him.  He’s also into snowballing after he finishes in your mouth.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

-It’s hard to say what could be considered a “dirty secret” since his sexual interests are fairly varied and “unusual”, you could say.  What he would consider his biggest “dirty secret” is that he’s really into being dommed and serving his mistress/master.  This goes hand in hand with his degradation kink.

Levi also wants to fuck you with his tail, as it resembles that of a sea serpent and makes him think of the hentai trope where people are fucked by tentacles.

Also also, Levi didn’t think he’d be into pegging, but now he loooooves it.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

-Probably the least experienced of all the brothers (partially because he so rarely leaves his room), but he still definitely knows what he’s doing, even if a good portion is from dating sims and other such games of a naughtier nature.  He knows what he likes and he wants to please you, as well, so he makes sure to know what to do.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

-Having you on top really does it for him.  But his ultimate favorite is fucking you on top of furniture (dresser, table, things like that) or standing with him fucking you from behind.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

-He can be really goofy in the moment!  He wants to have fun when he sleeps with you, and loves to see you smile and laugh.  Sometimes he gets carried away with his roleplaying, but he’s learned to laugh about it if you bring it up or try to get him to lighten up a little bit.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

-Contrary to what others might think, Levi is actually very clean in terms of personal hygiene, even if his clothes sometimes look a bit disheveled.  He’s clean shaven downstairs because he just likes it better, but he’d be okay with some body hair if you asked.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

-Levi isn’t the traditional romantic who’ll wine and dine you, but he loves hugs and holding hands and being close to you.  He loves giving you soft touches all over and holding you in his arms and he’ll always tell you when he thinks you look good (which is most of the time, but whatever).

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

-Levi masturbates a lot, but less so now that he has you.  That said, he still plays his hentai games on the reg and gets off to those.  He also frequently jacks off to the thought of you and previous or upcoming intimate encounters between you.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

-Degradation, dom/sub, overstimulation, roleplay, edging, being made to beg

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

-His bedroom is his favorite as that’s his safe space and where he feels most comfortable, with your room coming in a close second.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

-He loves when you dress up for him.  Roleplay and costumes are big turn ons for him, so he loves when you dress the part, or even just get cute/sexy for him in general.  He’s also very easy to tease, so little suggestive touches or whispering in his ear is often enough to make him blush and get hard.

Levi also melts into a puddle when you massage/stimulate his head near the base of his horns, even when they’re not showing.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

-There’s not much he wouldn’t do, but he’s not really into physically hurting you for the sake of sexual pleasure, i.e. knifeplay, hitting you outside of spanking, etc.  He’s afraid he might misjudge how much you can take and actually cause you physical harm.  He’s also not much of a forceful dom unless the circumstances are just right.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

-Loves loves loves receiving especially when you let him finish on your face.  He likes giving, as well, but he’s not as confident as he is in his other sexual skills.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

-Somewhere in the middle generally, but a lot of it depends on what you’re actually doing.  He’s easily excited so sometimes he loses himself a bit, but he does love to savor his intimate time with you, just touching and kissing and exploring each other’s bodies.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

-Quickies aren’t his go-to, but sometimes he just can’t resist, especially if you’ve been teasing him for a prolonged period of time.  It’s not terribly unusual for him to snap and pull you away.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

-Yeah, definitely down to experiment!  His otaku interests have brought a lot of different fetishes into his sexual purview so there’s a lot of things he’s always wanted to try if he found a willing partner.  He’s also always up for hearing what you like and what you’d like to try and he does his best to accommodate.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

-Levi is supposedly the least “in-shape” of the brothers, but his stamina is still a bit higher than that of the average human.  In the beginning, he wasn’t able to last very long as he would get too excited and overstimulated, but it’s something that’s gotten better with time (and some training).

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

-Oh yes, lots: he has enough toys for the both of you, and all different kinds, at that, including ones on the more unusual side (hello, monster dildos).  He loves using them on you, especially the weirder ones, as it fulfills some of his weebish fantasies.  Despite him having such a collection, he was always too nervous to use the dildos and vibrators on himself, but, after letting you use them on him, he was easily converted.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

-He’s not one to tease really at all since he’s too awkward and nervous, but he loves being teased, even if he pouts and says that you’re “unfair”, in true Levi fashion.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

-Initially, he’s very embarrassed and tries to stifle himself, but the longer you go, the more his resolve breaks down.  He makes a lot of whiney, whimpering noises and he can get a little loud when he comes.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

-Levi is into being collared and treated like a puppy.  He gets off on you ruffling his hair and giving him commands and leading him around on a leash.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

-Levi has a good body even if he may not be as fit as some of his brothers: he’s still a high-ranking demon, after all.  His dick has similar skin to his tail, so a bit scaly and a bit smooth.  The tip also has a defined point at the very end.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

-Moderately high.  He’s easily distracted by his many hobbies, but it’s near unheard of for him to turn down sex when the opportunity presents itself.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

-Levi isn’t really all that sleepy after sex.  He needs time to recuperate, but he’s usually ready to move on to the next thing he wants to do after a while with little fuss.  

[sometimesfrancis]

30 days of DID system asks: Day One

Describe your system.

My system is medium-sized.  The core group is a group of six, three married couples.  Nora to Francis, Gilda to Harvey, and Grace to Richard.  Then there’s the whole internal family system, bearing in mind that all three couples have acted in a parenting (or sibling, in the case of Duella and Nora and Francis, because Duella is older) role to all the children in the internal family system, there are also littles of Nora and Francis, called Boom and Little Francis. Lord Ryan is their son, he’s ten. Gilda and Harvey have Duella,  I’m not sure how old she is. but I do know she’s like a sister to me.  Then Grace and Richard have Francis as an adopted son.  Francis is 25 this fall.  I’m not sure how old Grace and Gilda are, you know what they say about a lady and her age.  Richard is eighteen-- I know it’s weird that Francis is Richard’s son even though Francis is older than Richard.   To explain this, Richard imaginably fought in world war two, but for some reason he stayed eighteen.  Harvey is the second oldest, at 125, and Hanora is 319.  Harvey, as a changeling man, has some vampiric abilities, but using them costs him his life experience, and Hanora is part gnome.  Among other racial qualities, she has very sensitive pointy ears, and songs can get stuck in her head for days at a time.  When I keep hearing the tune (that is to me a schizophrenic hallucination,) we say that they’re hearing it “In the gnome caverns”.  Luckily for me, this means that Hanora has her own body in a place she personally believes in, so she never argues with me about haircuts/hormones or clothes.  She just dresses up her gnome doll however she wants to, and in return I’m not allowed to say that the gnome caverns are part of a “headspace.”  They are a fairy tale, and personally Hanora believes in them.

While I don’t have many great historical memories from three-hundred years ago, Hanora has friends who have come to help me for no reason other than my being Hanora’s son, like Thomas Blue, who taught me everything he knew about becoming a lawyer, which permitted me to put the Joker on trial when he came to my apartment asking for help.  Hanora has been married several times, first to Victor Fries, a long long time ago, when I was in high-school, then, when I was in college, she married an introject of my high school friend and crush Charlie O’Connel (I hope he sees this.) I turned 23.  Harvey had been out of his coma for a year and five months. We met a man at Alchoholics Anonymous who invited us out for non-alchoholic beers and pool and pinball at a local bar.  His name was Henry.  One night, walking home from the beach, I introduce myself to him as the name “Harv,” and tell him I’m a multiple personality.  He takes it all pretty well.  We talk about getting married.  I’ve used my vampiric abilitties since then so I don’t have the same timeline I had when I was dating Henry, but I wanted us to be gay lovers.  

Back to my mother Hanora’s love life:  She broke up with Henry when his schizophrenia got out of control.  I was put away in a nursing home, where there was an implied familial relationship between Harvey, Duella, Francis, Richard, and Nora. Nora got married to Richard when we thought he was on his deathbed and she didn’t want him to die alone, then to a factive of Michael Fassbender (a marriage which lasted only one night before we had to admit Michael to the asylum,) then to a factive of Nick D’Agnostico from Gotham, who has his own alternate personality of Harvey.  She was married to a factive of Aaron Ekhardt for one night, who similarly has a Harvey introject.  Lucky for me my introject of Charlie is still in my life, and he’s always very respectful.  Sometimes they roleplay a game-of-thrones era fantasy where Nora is a shy noble lady and Charlie is her knight.  Her last marriage was to a factive of Brandon Flowers, who is also part gnome, but he looks like Owen from Torchwood for some reason.  Sorry, the last man is a gnomish man, I know that for sure, and I don’t always understand gnome customs.  Suffice to say, she calls him Brandon, but he looks like Owen.  Finally, she’s been escorted home several times by John Barrowman (another factive obviously) who honors his role as army captain from the doctor who universe.  And my mother’s introject is dating Nathan Filion, making him a father-in-law type figure.  His factive helped set her up with Nick D’Agnostico.

Speaking of the Doctor Who universe, I once wrote a very immersive episode of doctor who fanfiction called “Adam and Fate,” and in it the eleventh Doctor gets admitted to the psyche ward I was in at the time, well he formed an introject, surprise surprise, and although he was dressed like the eleventh doctor he wanted me to call him Matt Smith.  To help pass the hours I would daydream silents behind every door, and this was the same hospital stay where my Robert Downey Jr. Factive went out for a game of cards, he’s in love with Aaron, who was very akward with me at the time, because I once said “Joker’s Daughter!” and punched him in the balls.  

This was around the time a very malevolent introject of my oldest brother appeared and tried to take Francis into his headspace permanently, I remember Francis throwing water over himself, one of his defence mechanisms, and I remember Aaron:  He asked for an apology for my  holding a hot zippo lighter to my face to feel the burning so we put some lotion on.  Aaron and Robert are in love, and he’s on again off again with Maggie Gyllinhall , who acts like a big sister to me.  At the time he was still convinced that I was brain-dead from my death at the end of the Dark Knight era in my life, which is actually from when I was eight years old and fell down a flight of stairs, but I recreated my trauma in a shared dream-space and it translated to getting thrown off a building.  I was actually put to work in a daydream factory, and my subconcious submitted certain scenes to the Dark Knight. I don’t want to believe that completely but here’s another perspective  I will ask for my father-in-law Victor to help me rather than Francis:  

According to Victor I have a trauma that could be categorized, a blow to the back of the head, and I didn’t make the dark knight but I came from it because there’s an applicable cause of death involved.  

Thank you Victor.  Let’s get on with describing the system.  In my job at the daydream factory that’s where I first met The Scars of the Architect, who takes on the appearance of the Joker from the Dark Knight.  They plugged me in to a modern machine:  A PC, and architectural drawings appeared on the screen.  This is part of how the Joker got his scars.  Then there’s another Joker, his full name is Jackson P. Fitzgerald and he looks like a Joker-colored version of Michael Jackson. The Joker isn’t the only black villain in my system, there’s also Dr. Ivy Green AKA Poison Ivy who looks like a young Whoopie Goldberg, but I never claim to be trans racial or anything like that the alters know that they are only an influence on me and I’m glad they help me include races other than white bread in my stories.  But there is a lot of white bread coming right up:

THE ASYLUM

In my headspace I live in a version of Arkham Asylum that has gone through a period of mental health reform.  My first alter from the asylum was Dr. Jonathan Crane Sr, and I saw him experimenting on his children out in the backwater countryside south of Gotham.  This all happens in Gotham City Indiana, by the way, which is on the map where Gary, Indianapolis, and Michigan City are so they’re north of some swamplands which turn into farmlands and south of the lake the city is very much a part of my system and my first introduction to it was Johnathan Crane’s old shack out in the country where(TW  BONDAGE) he strapped his kids down to a chair in the garage and injected them with fear toxin  and made them watch horrific videos, these are the Benson siblings, Elizabeth, Crowley, and Johnathan Jr.  They all have wide white eyes except for Jr, whose eyes are very soulful and dark, and they all have SI scars again except for Jr. who is the black sheep Crowley has cuts on his arms from a carpenter knife and he chews fear weed while Elizabeth smokes it in her cigarettes and she has burns on her hands.

I follow the action one night, old lady Benson is worried about Crowley always cutting his arms so she takes him to the asylum in their rusty pick-up truck, well he spooks in the parking lot he grabs a shotgun from the back of the truck and escapes into the woods.  Where the ambulance driver says “Don’t worry, Batman will catch him.”

BATMAN

Yes, I have an alter of Batman in my system.  He started as a foil for me to fist-fight in a bar he sliced up my face pretty good I wake up with blood on the pillow.  I go through plots trying to bring Batman the psychiatric help he needs, enacting a similar plot on my best friend Bruce Wayne, who is like Batman by day, similarly rageful, similar sizes and face shapes too but Batman is obviously funded by the military and Bruce isn’t smart enough to sneak out every night dressed in black leather without getting caught by his butler, but these are my two friends Batman and Bruce.  I’ll talk about Batman first, I get a gang together one of these days I put some plastic explosives in an elevator shaft and I threaten to take the building down if Batman doesn’t go in for treatment and Jim Gordon intercedes saying we both need help well that bastard Batman jumps off the roof and vanishes into the night, but I go down the driveway to Arkham Asylum in Jim Gordon’s car he drops me off at the gate he says it’s up to me so I throw my coin into the woods and I’m walking one way or the other when an ambulance stops me and the driver manhandles me I punch him until he stops moving the Joker climbs out of the back and says “So you pulled off your first plot. What do you want the newspapers to call you?”  And the scarred side of my face smiles and says “Two-Face.”  I’m thinking Acid-Face or Coin-Voice but this is what the scarred side of my face says to the Joker and the Joker says “Two-Face it is!”  and he climbs in the driver’s seat and he crashes the ambulance into the gates with the driver unconscious  behind the wheel and meanwhile in the back I find my friend Bruce and he says “CALL ME BATMAN” so great Bruce Wayne thinks he’s Batman that’ll be the day.  

RICHARD

I’m in the asylum when  I realize I have a brother, adopted by the same old lady, Gertrude Dent.  His name is Richard and he’s vegetative from the lobotomies.  This is when the story really starts to cook.  We get kidnapped from our cells one night by Harleen Qunzell posing as a nurse she takes us away to the parklands surrounding the asylum and says we’re in Poison Ivy’s Garden now.  I’m Harvey AKA Lillian Valley, my brother’s are Francis aka Hawthorne, Creeping Charlie AKA Morning Glory, Poison Oak, and Patrick Isley we’re all a tribe out there in the park I rarely get into trouble but I get into trouble rarely I’m given a motel room to sleep in after a certain therapeutic period among the plants.  Arkham Outpatient Treatment:  Lodgings Included.  

This next memory is from Francis, we do share some memories.  I overheard a lady bullying her teddy bear in the bed next to mine back when I was in the nursing home and someone woke up he said “I’ll steal that bear!” and Francis said “Calm Down, Harv.”  He’s easy to recognize with the scars from stress on his face and then a Harvey woke up and said “What did he say just now?”  And Francis says wow youre keeping him on a pretty tight leash well it wasn’t long after that he woke up in one of poison ivy’s green-houses and she said something like “What are you doing coming back to life?”   And he turned out to be called Richard.  Richard Richardson is the name he wrote on the ARkham Asylum intake forms.  

HARLEEN

So Harleen comes into my room and asks if I’d like to be part of an experiment like I said kidnapped so they put a mitten on my burned hand and moss in my head to regrow the brain matter that got damaged in my massive back of the head concussion and the subsequent ECT that happened only in Gotham City which is like we all know imaginary but so was the moss and I’m a better man for it and as I came round to reality I realized I had a roommate they had put me with this other man Dent-- Richard Dent, criminal turned whore, WWII veteran and semi-immortal like me, I don’t know the details of his age but he’s one of Jupiter's sons and for all the time he’s spent in prison he’s only eighteen years old to this day.  Sorry twenty-two he aged up a bit earlier this year when he took his wife Grace home their anniversary is July 25th I’d better remember that

So Poison Ivy really cleaned up the asylum with Harleen working under her and Johnathan Crane doing anything to get his license restored they made a pretty ship shape asylum the doors are unlocked the walls are white and the uniforms are grey. I remember Harleen’s first experiment with me she said there was a fifty-fifty chance I would revert back to my old personality and she gave me my coin back and I threw it in a lake. This is a recurring theme with me the coin represents my reliance on the god Janus to make decisions and with every major step toward rehabilitation I have to leave the coin behind so I started over in jail with Jonathan Crane observing me I told him I was a changeling and if I didn’t get twice as much food then my twin brother would starve so he gave me double portions and I’ve always been indebted to the man.

[sphinxsmuses-archived]

All Available Muses/Characters on the blog!

Fandomless:

Ourania Thanos (A light/darkness dragon that can turn into a human girl. Ourania is cocky, aggressive in fights, playful, and very egotistical. It also makes her easy to manipulate as she eats compliments like candy and will follow you anywhere as long as you feed her ego.)

Fenagari Selene (A wolf girl who has lived on the streets all alone since she could remember. She has no recollection on who her family is but doesn’t let it bother her as she focuses on survival. However her struggle has led her to deal with some criminals in order to get some money and has her in trouble)

Kingdom Hearts/Fandomless:

Ai Malificia (A kind-hearted, gentle girl who lives in Radiant Garden. Her family owns a flower shop. Ai is sweet and innocent, kept mostly in her home by her parents and only knowing so much about the world from books. She is the Somebody of Xia, losing her heart when her world went into darkness. She also has a twin sister verse with Xia where the two have plant powers)

Xia Malificia (A mischievous, flirtatious, manipulative Nobody of Ai with the ability to summon and control plants. Her favorite to use are vines which she ties up her victims in and sometimes combines them with rose branches, making them have thorns as sharp as knives. Wants to join Organization XIII. Has RWBY verse and a fandomless verse)

Final Fantasy XV/Kingdom Hearts:

Diana Fotieni (A lady knight who wants to be a Kingsglaive like her mother was but has no chance now that the empire took over. Diana is calm and friendly to friends but becomes serious in fights and upholding justice. Travels with a Moogle companion named Vico. Has a Kingdom Hearts verse where she is a keyblade wielder traveling with Vico. Also has Fire Emblem verse and a Fate verse where she is a Saber Servant.)

Pokemon:

Blair Mahou (Braixen Gijinka who thinks she is a magical girl. Playful and silly sometimes but mainly likes to help people with her ‘powers’. Likes to put on a show in order to gain reputation and hopes to get her own tv show)

Piper “Peeps” Tori (An Altaria Gijinka who has a disability that makes it hard for her to speak full sentences sometimes. She also loves to say Peeps or chirp and loves to give people hugs (even complete strangers). A bit of an odd ball but friendly to the core)

Dot Hack/Log Horizon/SAO/fandomless fantasy:

Marie/Aislynn (A nerdy girl who loves videogames, anime and manga. She loves to play MMOs and is a Shadow Warlock in Dot Hack. She roleplays in character in the game as a mysterious being who speaks poetically at times and loves to read fortunes.)

Nier Automata:

10B (A YorHa Battle unit who shows way more emotion than most androids. Loves to flirt and adores humans and androids, detesting machines. If she gets too attached to someone, she can come off as Yandere in a overprotective way.)

Monster Hunter:

Jinouga (A mischievous playful Stygian Zinogre monster girl who loves to hang out in Yukomo village, specifically the hot springs. She hasn’t caused trouble for the villagers and is therefore left alone. She loves to tease hunters and follow them on hunts sometimes)

League of Legends/Fairy Tail:

Shay Pierina (Playful cat girl hailing from the country of Shurima with the power to manipulate sand. Acts very cat like including curling on laps and her love for fish. Also wants to become a guard of the Emperor. Has Fairy Tail verse where she is guildless and a general fantasy verse)

My Hero Academia:

Kyana Aeira (A wannabe heroine with the Quirk to conjure fire. Easily excitable and tends to rush into fights without thinking, but wants to help the world. Has Multi-Hero Fandom Verse and a Overwatch verse. Also an Endeavor’s Daughter Verse. (all on Alt. Verse page))

Naruto/Fandomless:

Midori Ryu (Clumsy, overly shy, and faints at the sight of blood, Midori is probably the worst ninja in existence. But she wants to make her family proud, their ideals that dragons exist causing them to be a laughing stock in her village Specializes in fire and wind jutsu to mimic dragons)

Kiyumi Tenshi (Wild, rambunctious, and full of crazy ideas including calling her three team of girls the party ninjas, Kiyumi is also a terrible ninja. She views her ninja abilities as something to use to entertain others. Has the jutsu ability of ice but mainly fights with her fists)

Naoko Shizuka (Quiet, emotionless, and unreadable. Naoko is the brains of the group and probably the only real qualified ninja. She specializes in shadow jutsus, creating creatures of shadow)

My Hero Academia/The World Ends With You:

Tia “Usagi” Faye (Bubbly kind of girly girl who loves to rollerblade and attends UA High School. Her Quirk is Electricity/Magnetism abilities, her hero name Usagi for her jumping tricks. Also has The World Ends with You verse where she ends up the in the Reaper’s Game after falling to her death trying to do an extreme rollerblading trick. Has a fandomless fantasy verse.)

Fairy Tail:

Alyssa Astrum (A Celestial Wizard from the town of Hargeon with Chinese Zodiac keys. Loves to dress fashionable and can be kind of bratty. Has the Monkey, Tiger and Mouse Jade Keys. Currently looking for a wizard guild to join.)

Fate Stay Night:

Emilia Clarimond: (A young mage from a family of mages. She became the next in line to fight for the Holy Grail. Seems quiet and reserved but can be mischievous and playful. Fights with magic of the stars. Also can be fandomless)

Yugioh:

Christina Terrwyn (Spunky, rambunctious tomboy with a dragon deck. Loves to show off and take things to the absolute extreme. Has Digimon, Dragonball Super and Fandomless Sorceress verse.)

Miyuki Tenshi (Sweet, innocent, naive girl who can see duel spirits, has one of Happy Lover, and has a angelic deck. Mainly a Yugioh GX OC who is an Obelisk student. Also has Guardian Angel AU and Princess AU.)

Iyumi Akuma (A wannabe queen who is highly delusional and acts a bit like a spoiled brat. Brash though if someone shows her kindness she is quick to fall in love and can turn a little lewd and shy. Has fandomless verse.)

Aku Yazoi (A wannabe punk who is hot tempered and tries to act cool but is a sucker for cute girls. Is kind of a dweeb. 5Ds OC but can fit in other verses. Has fandomless verse.)

Katie Terrwyn (Serious and calculating but also shy. Uses Spellbook deck. Has fantasy verse. The sensible one who tries to keep her sister out of trouble to no avail. Also is very intelligent especially with technology and learned how to hack on her own.)

Cathy Terrwyn (Optimistic and cheerful. Youngest sister of three. Uses Madolche deck and has Puddingcess as her duel spirit. Has fantasy verse)

RWBY:

Ursa Miela (Bear girl with a secret love of honey. Tries to act scary and tough but gets easily embarrassed. Part of Gwen’s team with two guys. Her Semblance is the ability to shape shift into an actual bear. Her weapon is a staff that turns into a large bow with bear carvings)

Gwen Favete (Gwen is a rabbit Faunus and is part of Ursa’s team. She loves fashion, vintage things, and coffee. Shy at first but becomes chipper and excitable and a tad ditsy once she warms up. Semblance is the ability to summon weapons she can control in a telepathic manner with a baton.)

Fandomless:

Chloe Thaleia (A trained thief from a family of infamous thieves. Playful, mischievous, but secretly a kind person. Looking for her older brother who left the family to pursue a different career when she was a child. Carries a magical greatsword with elemental powers. Has a modern day Robber verse and a Kingdom Hearts verse)

Aiolos Thaleia (A man aiming to be a knight who came from a family of thieves. Usually calm and composed and friendly to anyone he comes across. Misses his family at times but believes his path is the right one for him. Has a modern day Police Officer verse and a Kingdom Hearts verse)

Colette Eirina (An air headed, very naive, hopeless romantic princess who has done nothing but caused grief for her kingdom by getting continuously kidnapped and held for ransom. Now on a journey on her own to find true love. Has Legend of Zelda verse where she is from a small kingdom hidden away from other kingdoms.)

C.H.I.S.A. (A self learning Android that looks like a human girl who loves to sing and is very innocent and curious about the world. Was separated from her creators after an evil scientist kidnapped her. Has Overwatch verse)

Kishi MacAuley (Boy-crazy, excitable, self appointed captain of a wannabe pirate crew of all teenage girls. Captain of the S.S. Fishermen.)

Madeline “Maddy” O’ Raleigh (Hot tempered, not very friendly first mate of the pirate crew. Was orphaned just like Kishi and the two grew up with each other. Very protective of Kishi.)

Julianna Jana Frost (goes by Julia for short) (Down to earth but kind of a stick in the mud and a worry wart. Navigator of the pirate crew and also a Prime Minister’s daughter)

Olivia Filligan (Oldest of the pirate girls and acts it. Calm, composed, but scary when angry. All she has to do is flash a scary smile to send the others running. Very caring and can cook, clean, and even knows some first aid.)

[alightinthelantern]

Because the decade is ending I’ve been revisiting old interests and past fandoms from when I was a teen, and boy is it a trip down Memory Lane.

Listening to old Vocaloid songs from when I was in high school back in 2010, when I was 15 and new to internet culture, and it was one of the first Japanese culture I ever discovered. Apparently Vocaloids are still a thing? I knew Miku was still popular bc I’d seen stuff in the past year featuring her, but apparently the other Vocaloid characters are too, and there’ve been a whole bunch of new ones introduced in the past decade? I remember when the whole Daughter of Evil saga was being created. I remember all the alt characters people created by taking the main vocaloids and pitch-altering their voice banks. The Vocaloid community was fresh and thriving back then. That was back when Gender-Bending was a staple of fandom culture, and making male “versions” of female characters and vice versa was hugely popular. This was when “Caramelldansen” and “Ievan Polkka” weren’t Classic Memes, this was when they were new, and all the rage.

I remember the Gamecube days, back in the 2000s, and watching my stepbrothers battle my sisters interchangeably on it or the old Nintento 64 they had, in Mario Kart, or Mortal Kombat, or the original Smash Brothers (I, who had terrible hand-eye coordination, wasn’t fit for playing, but was more content to passively enjoy anyway). I remember when the Wii was first introduced (my mother didn’t believe in video games for a long time, and only bought a console for the family about four years later). I remember the GameBoy, I remember the release of the first XBox. I remember the online dress-up doll games. I remember when the Lego Star Wars video game was first released, and being an avid fanatic of those famous bricks as a kid enjoyed watching my siblings play that probably more than than anything else.

I remember how huge the cosplay scene was in the early 2010s, for all kinds of shows. I remember reading Emma: A Victorian Romance by Kaoru Mori with glee as a teen, siting in a bean bag chair in the Teen Area of my local library, because they had a dedicated manga section and had the entire print run. That was back before Borders was bought out by Barnes & Noble and ceased to be, and I’d often sit in the second-floor manga section of my local Borders and read the volumes that caught my eye for a half-hour or more, and the store clerks didn’t care because it was a different world then, a different culture, and I was always a polite, well-behaved kid anyway who always physically respected the books. Apparently the anime adaptation of Mori’s Emma from years ago finally got an English dub in the past year? I’m going to have to track it down and give it a watch.

I remember loving the Romeo x Juliet anime as a teen, that crazy and brilliantly original high-fantasy reimagining of the classic play. I loved that the English dub script was mostly in Elizabethan-era English. I remember Ouran Host Club and Baccano! too, and the first of those being one of the funniest things I’d ever seen in my life at the time. Same with The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. I remember liking Fruits Basket back in 1010, and only realizing years later how fucked up it actually was. I remember Baccano! and Nabari No Ou. I also remember some other shows whose names don’t bear repeating. I remember downloading their OSTs off dedicated websites that no longer exist. I still have these soundtracks in my iTunes library. I remember when burning playlists onto CDs was popular; they finally became obsolete and passé sometime in my high school years, after the rise of mp3 players and programs like iTunes crystallized the superiority of the .mp3, and then people would laugh when I mentioned my own burned CD collection.

I remember when Over the Garden Wall first came out, in 2014, and how groundbreaking it was at the time in terms of what an animated show could be, visually and plot-wise. That show still has a small bud dedicated fandom it seems. I remember the character ask-blogs that were so popular from 2014--16 on tumblr, both ones with drawn replies and ones with live cosplay photos or gifs. God, the ask-blog community was so huge at the time. That might have been the height of tumblr’s popularity, the mid-2010s. I remember DeviantART and the thriving fanart community it had before tumblr took over in the early 2010s. I remember all OCs people were making, and the ask-accounts before ask-blogs were a thing. I remember the roleplay groups. I remember all the fucked-up things people were into back then because the Scene Phase had come but not yet entirely gone, and because teens were emo little shits in general. I remember when anime pairings were written as “[name] x [name]” in full before people started mashing names together around 2014, I remember when words like y*oi and y*ri were the norm. Oh how times have changed. (And thank god they’ve changed)

I remember when the Twilight movies were being made and my high school health teacher put the first movie on in class one day and had the class point out different ways in with the romance was toxic and unhealthy. It’s mind-boggling that in 2019, after The Discourse had come, burned, raged, and gone, that people are still stupid enough to like those films. Even back then I was smart enough to see them for the creepy, badly-written dreck that they were. I remember when The Hunger Games was published (I never read it). I remember the first Hunger Games Movie coming out and the controversy surrounding Jennifer Lawrence being cast as the lead. I remember coming into school one day to find two of my teachers casually debating it (I never saw the movies, and didn’t particularly care about that conversation).

I remember watching an independent showing of Studio Ghibli’s From Up on Poppy Hill in 2015 at a local indie theater, and the audience roaring with laughter when one of the boys at the old club house asked “How can we make archaeology cool again?!” and another replying “We can’t!”, and then a woman in the audience said out loud “Archaeology is cool!”

I remember the birth, life and death of Vine, and despite The Discourse raging on tumblr at the time, the humor on that app was still largely Mainstream and often racist.

I remember Teen Wolf, and Glee, Sherlock and Supernatural and Doctor Who. I remember the emergence of “Superwholock” and the sheer insufferableness of the fandom before they eventually, blessedly died out. I remember the disappearance of shows like J*njou R*omantica and the rise of shows like Free! and Yuri on Ice!!!, Modern “woke” animes that still featured vapid, cliché-driven writing, with Modern “woke” audiences that were puerile-minded and cliché-hungry as ever, the same y*oi fangirls as those that had existed in the early 2010s, only now the shows had done away with the nasty R*pe-As-Romance and replaced it with cringey, ham-fisted pretenses of Realistic Psychology or Social Conscience. And I realized that anime fans my age weren’t worth their salt, and by that time I was too old for anime anyway so I finally dropped it. New animes have come and gone, new live action shows have come and gone, and all the same terrible fandom drama that has burned year after year regardless of show still burns. Same shit, different sewer.

I remember how different online culture was for teens a decade ago. I remember how different real life was for teens a decade ago. Everything has changed so much in the past decade. Teens were children when I was teen. Now, ten years later, teens are like miniature adults, thinking and speaking maturely, socially and politically conscious, wise beyond their years. Racism is acknowledged for the evil it is, and bigoted trolls are no longer socially accepted. When I was a teen, been an edgelord was in, and kids like me who were unusually conscientious were labeled Babies and Oversensitive whenever something didn’t sit right and we voiced objections. Anons telling people to kill themselves was routine. People were violent and ruthless online, and the culture was truly reminiscent of The Lord of The Flies, a cutthroat free-for-all among girls and boys of all ages.

But not anymore: as people keep saying these days, being an Asshole is Out, being Kind is In. Shit like H*zbin H*tel, that would’ve been immensely popular ten years ago, is acknowledged for the violent, vile crap it is. And the language around sexuality and gender has changed so drastically, and has opened up so much. There was no trans content a decade ago in fandom, and Gender-bending, when done to explore the social ramifications of a character as the “opposite gender” (because nothing outside the gender binary existed as far as fandom was then concerned), and not just for titillation, was always cisgendered and done by way of Alternate Universes.

I had a miserable experience as a teen, and I wish that I could have experienced this kind of environment in my formative years rather than the one I did. But although I never did, I am so happy for the teens of today, that they are able to experience this kind of social openness, that they can experience this kind of unity and conscientiousness that exists in a way it never did before. That, even with as bleak and awful as the world is, they are fighting to make it better for themselves. Because it really was them that changed it.

Because, as much as Millennials like to pretend otherwise, we didn’t make the internet culture what it is today, We were edgy shitlord brats who loved laughably bad media, whether it was edgy and featured protagonists who murdered for fun, or maudlin and featured Mary Sue protagonists. We had flame wars over who was “uke or seme” for characters that weren’t even gay. We were nasty piss-stains, and even the teens like me who were better than the rest still had our awful moments. I’ve done and said things as a teen that I’m ashamed of, and no amount of nostalgia can change the fact that fandom and the media it consumed was objectively awful a decade ago. And though “Fandom Moms” and other nasty, disgusting, overgrown-children may be a proud bastion and defenders of the Old Ways, reminiscing about their LiveJournal Days and telling themselves their age is somehow indicative of wisdom rather than how creepy and pathetic they really are, their days are numbered, and I can’t wait to see their +30yo asses slowly die out in the face of progress.

[no-ns-en-si-ca-l]

Some Moments Leading up to This One • Christina Catherine Martinez

RATS

At some point the rats got out of control. Our parents purchased the rats from a guy who bred them in buckets of wood shavings in his garage. We surveyed the containers like they were windows full of puppies. The little pink and white things wriggling around in them were to be our pets. That they were bred to be food for larger pets belonging to families moving in more robust circles of economic activity did not occur us children. 

COPS

My father was mildly obsessed with cops, tried several times to become one—making circles on practice tests for the written exam, making circles on the dirt track of the Sherriff’s training academy behind our house—but there was always some clerical snafu or abstruse psychological red flag (one question they ask is whether or not you turn around to look at your waste before flushing the toilet. Apparently there is a wrong answer to this). On rainy days my brothers and I slurped ramen noodles and watched the police documentary series COPS on Fox 11. Matthew lived next door and was a couple years younger than me. His parents told him he was too young to watch the show, but he pleaded them into the odd compromise of watching the title sequence only, which succored him enough to stalk the neighborhood with a nerf gun singing the theme song, bad boys, bad boys, over and over under his breath. 

We were home schooled and Matthew was not. Every morning, around the time my mom began clearing up the breakfast dishes and herding us together to begin the day's work, I would see Matthew's little face inch past the living room window in his grandmother's big white Cadillac. I can’t remember if she lived with them or not, but she was always around, functioning as part chauffeur, part babysitter, and all around emotional punching bag for this supremely unhappy family (the entire second story of their house was added on as a private bedroom suite for mom). Every afternoon my brothers and I returned to the window just in time to see the white car pull up to their tight, golf-ready lawn and watch Matthew's backpack sail through the passenger-side window, followed shortly by Matthew himself. He yelled and spat and kicked papers and shit all over the lawn, without fail, every school day. It was such a treat. I credit this daily theater with planting the seed of skepticism in my attitude toward institutions, and I suppose by extension, to anyone in uniform.

Still, as committed members a religious suburban community, of some of my parents' closest friends were officers of the law. Not the slack-jawed, double-chinned avatars of male torpor, but sweet, boar-bristle ‘stached men with bright eyes and prematurely creased foreheads. The kind earned from continually raising brows at things children say. Especially children who don't go to regular school. Dad stopped trying to become a cop after noticing their off-duty penchant for K-Swiss sneakers and Hawaiian shirts. 

Eventually, between the hours of 12 and 6 am, between backseat blow jobs and furtive jam sessions, I would run into these men. A tense skein of trust evolved as they circled the perimeter of my adolescence; tapping the glass, raising their eyebrows, and waiving me home. I lived in cars, but I was no good at it. I wondered what separated me from the subjects on COPS, who also just wanted to hang out but invariably, somehow, ended up face down on the sidewalk. I asked Gonzo what his rules of thumb were for letting girls off with a warning. He was immune to crying and pleas of period emergencies, but once, upon pulling over a swerving vehicle and finding a woman covered in exploded burrito, he did let her go. Gonzo is a close family friend, and I was convinced that he was the greatest cop that ever lived. 

Years later I asked him why, at tender age of thirty five-ish, he left the po-po biz to become a teacher. He said he didn't like kind of person it was turning him into. 

PUBLIC SCHOOL

For a radical experiment in parenting, try this: take a feral child (who loves Jesus), strap it to a translucent purple backpack, and place it in a structured learning environment. Years later— 

APPLES

A lot of our games were about dying. The best, by far, was the night we tried to enact as many stock movie death scenes as possible without laughing. We were just hanging out. Someone was on the floor, and then Nadal starting noodling something sad on the piano, and then it kind of took off from there. We played a swan song for a gritty, browbeaten cop with a heart of gold (a peculiar trope, and, as I learned years later after experiencing the privilege of transatlantic flight, a particularly American one). We slipped through the hands of an action hero clinging helplessly to his buddy dangling off the edge of a cliff. Grenades crashed all around as Paul and I played out a lost cause on the battlefield. I cradled Paul's head in my arms, taking his shirt in a vice grip and screaming, “Don't you die on me soldier!" and then, for context, finessing a line about how he can't die, because he never taught me his secret gumbo recipe. Paul gasped for air, phantom blood filling his throat and mouth. It dribbled down his chin, sputtered off his lips and onto my shirt. Everyone clapped their hands over their mouths to keep from laughing. Just before his eyes rolled back in his head and his neck went limp, Paul pulled me close and whispered in a Cajun accent, "Don't forget the nutmeg,

mon ami....

" I brushed my fingertips over his eyes to close them. At this final touch, we could hold it no longer. Everyone burst laughing, crying, chugging beers, and yelling

ok, now me! me and you!

As the only girl, more than once I resorted to my privileged trope of peaceful cancer girlfriend. I'd stroke whoever's face very softly and whisper sweet platitudes about Finding New Love and how I Will Always Be With You. The beloveds raspberried in my face with laughter, and then we'd all drink some more. I died at least five times. We drank, the piano lolled on, we laughed until the laughter turned to honking chest rattles because we hadn't quit smoking yet. The roleplay kept going. In high school we'd made exclamations of love to one or more of one another. We filched wine and read e.e. cummings by candlelight, smoked weed and listened to records, made out in the McDonald’s PlayPlace, and screamed at one another in cars, breaking up and getting back together many times over. We heeded the tap on the glass and went home. We threatened to kill ourselves and harbored baroque fantasies about our funerals. Dying for fun at the crash house purged our maudlin adolescence and all its attendant delusions, suddenly petty in light of things like getting dressed for work and swinging a grocery basket in the crook of an arm and filling out apartment rental applications at Starbucks. An ironic bow at the threshold of adulthood, when all the quotidian necessities of independent living were briefly, intensely glamorous. We got oil changes and shopped for work clothes. We stopped buying Nat Sherman Fantasia's and got promoted to shift lead. We had people over for dinner and complained about our bosses. Then some of us got actual cancer, and some of us actually tried to kill ourselves, and once or twice we went blind, stabbing the roof of our mouth with the toothbrush, our girlfriends trying to pull rank on despair. 

We scatter. But we find each other. Years later, Landon and I are sitting in the Seinfeld restaurant in Harlem. I’m on my first work trip with the gallery. Landon entered Columbia University as a film major, and is about to leave with a degree in computer science. Upon learning the average post-graduation salaries for his respective choices, the change was swift. I show him my little stack of business cards with the word director printed under my name. He pays for the meal with an elegant slip of his own card. The last time we dined, it was at a Cheesecake Factory in Orange County. He wore sunglasses to mask the bandages over his eyes, and I wept into some kind of alcoholic milkshake called a Flying Gorilla. 

We pick at anonymous fried brown things and exchange tabs on where we all went. The food here is decent, except for the marinara sauce, which I suspect is with dishwater to make it last. We talked about all of the times we died and I ask, between bites of naked mozzarella stick, why he left the old crash house. 

“I just thought we could be grown-ups,” he said. 

I remembered the giant Patrick Nagel poster that crowned the faux-wood paneled living room, a crouching woman in pink thigh high boots, larger than life. 

“Mmmmm," I said. 

“And we just”—last time I visited the house she had grown a dick, a mustache, and a fist-sized hole near her shoulder—“like, we couldn’t do it,” he said. “We couldn’t have nice things or make a home.” 

“You should have taken out the wallpaper." 

“It was his mom’s." 

“I know," I said, "but that’s a lot of apples." 

MONEY

Money is an excellent balm, very near to forgiveness. I met John Wayne at a comedy show, and he quoted Austin Powers in bed, but the following week he was out of town on business, and it felt good to say “he’s out of town on business” in response to someone’s face screwing up about the yeah baby stuff. It generally worked, and I have no reason to believe John Wayne wasn’t his real name. 

MONEY

“Does the taco place take cards?”

“They charge seventy cents to use a card.”

“Alright then let’s swing by the Chase ATM on the way.”

“Are you for real?”

“Yes. What? Yes I’m for real.”

“You’re just going to spend the seventy cents you’ll save from using cash for the tacos on the extra gas it will take to swing by the ATM for the cash.”

“It’s on the way.”

“It’s so freaking hot right now.”

“It’s literally right on the way.”

“I can’t believe you can make these kinds of calculations after we’ve been sitting under a waterfall all day.”

“I’m stopping at the Chase ATM.”

“If you’re going to trap me in this hot car any longer in order to save seventy cents, then I’ve earned seventy cents worth of bitching for however long this ATM detour is delaying tacos.”

“I can’t believe you can make these kinds of calculations after we’ve been sitting under a waterfall all day.”

“We haven’t even moved in the last five minutes.”

“Fine. It’s worth seventy cents to not have to sit in this traffic or hear you bitch.”

“Do you think if we had universal basic income, Post-Internet art would still exist?”

….

“What?”

“I don’t know.” 

RATS

Oddly enough they fuck like rabbits. We brought home a brother and sister from the bucket guy, thinking they might respect their second chance at life by refraining from incest. Instead they multiplied, and we had to buy more cages to house all the pink little nubbies that kept popping out of the mama rat. Seizing upon this educational moment, our mother encouraged us to learn more about rats, and we observed the little nubbies at length, patiently waiting for them to grow into more comely beings. One day I noticed one of the nubbies lying still while the others inched around the cage with their little salamander limbs. I put him in my palm, and he was cold. I took him to my father, who was preparing his next sermon in the dining room. I had yet to attend public school, but I’d seen enough television to aesthetically forecast the kind of educational moment he might seize upon. 

“Dad,” I cooed, “this one died.” 

“Oh honey,” he said, taking the miniature creature in his hands, “He’s not dead… he’s just thirsty!” 

And with that, he dropped the dead baby rat into his glass of lemonade. 

I froze for a few seconds, then clapped my hands over my mouth to keep from laughing. 

That’s when I became a comedian.