#honestly her quests are one of the most depressing for me because you just. can't possibly defend her

[mourn-and-watch]

merril's act 2 quest is so unfair and infuriating on so many levels i need to talk about it. especially about marethari's behaviour because the way she acts towards merrill here is so purposefully cruel.

it's hard to miss that marethari makes her own clan believe that merrill is a monster. which probably wasn't that difficult to do - merrill left them three years ago and even before she did all the clan members hawke had met hadn't been fond of her. they don't know what she's up to now, but they know she works with a demon and refuses to listen to the keeper, and now marethari claims that merrill, her favourite first, has become something they should be afraid of. and then merrill herself arrives, still asking about that mirror, still doing the same blood magic, and, well, they just assume the keeper was right. which leads to pol's death and then the quest ends and offers you an infamous white saviour option.

this is already bad enough, but i think as much as it is a desperate last attempt to keep merrill away from arulin'holm, it is actually a pretty calculated manipulation. marethari successfully plays on all of merrill's insecurities here.

first of all, the entrusting a human to keep dalish artefact thing. it is a direct spit in merrill's face. she cares so deeply about preserving dalish culture and lore and states multiple times that it is as important as keeping the clan safe - and then marethari prefers to give one of their oldest, rarest artefacts to a human. she could as well say that she trusts a person whose ancestors were destroying their people, slaughtering them and erasing their culture from existence more than merrill. she'd rather break every single sacred agreement than give arulin'holm to her. merrill's that unworthy. it'd better be lost to humans than be given to her.

there's an additional layer to it though. hawke is merrill's friend. she brought them here so they could have her back. she trusts them this much. and now they're offered a choice and merrill can't say what they will do.

marethari gives hawke an arulin'holm and then explicitly tells them not to let merrill have it. hawke is marethari's last line of defense because they're as well merrill's last line of defense. whoever gets hawke's sympathies wins.

marethari makes hawke doubt merrill and at the same time she lets merrill know there's no one who will unconditionally support her, and merrill buys it - she begs hawke to give her arulin'holm. hawke is her friend and she brought them here so they can support her and now she isn't sure anymore that they will.

basically, what marethari says here is not only that she trusts a human more than merrill but also that nobody trusts merrill at all. her clan is scared of her. her only friend seemed to believe her but now they've heard marethari's side of the story and what will they do? and merrill already thinks about an answer marethari wants to get from her. that she will inevitably lose every ally she gained because at this point she must be wrong and marethari must be right.

it is a carefully orchestrated betrayal. first marethari gives merrill hope that she will honour the agreement, then subverts the expectations and shifts responsibility to hawke. and if they make the decision she wants them to make merrill will run out of options. she will have no choice but to give up and return. that's an emotional abuse done by the book

[lilisgardensblog]

Stream theory! time:

I am here to write my thoughts about the Neuvillette part of the stream/trailer, feel free to share yours too!

"The Melusines can't be trusted! That goes for Neuvillette too!"

So, first I have to say I'm heartbroken to hear that the Melusines and Neuvillette can't be trusted, but idc idc i trust them no matter what. And the Melusines saying: "I'm confident that we'll find the meaning of our existence one day" truly broke my heart.

To keep going with the Neuvillette angst we have The Chief of Justice himself saying: "I find it difficult to express my emotions, because I cannot fully understand myself" The struggle to deal with accusations from your own people that they don't trust you while being unable to show them how you really feel... and to add to that whatever rumours saying that u were born from calamity?? I'm so confused and sooo hyped to get the full lore.

'is this what justice means to u? answer me neuvillette!'

First, let me point out THE VOICE ACTING FOR THIS LINE IS CHEF KISS. It sends shivers down my spine every time I hear it. And every time I hear it I'm thinking, what verdict did Neuvillette come to for Wrio to deliver such a powerful line? Maybe it's about Lyney and Lynette? Because we hear Freminet asking Wrio about his siblings and I'm thinking that maybe Wrio goes and demands an explanation from Neuvillette?

"You will see much in the human world, from the delightful to the depressing and one day, when you have dwelt among humanity long enough, you will be placed to bring judgement over all, as the spokesperson for Fontaine's past"

Can't move on from this line without pointing out the informal addressing here. No Monsieur or anything. Straight up Neuvillette. I'm curious to see how close the characters are and why does Wrio sounds so hurt/betrayed.

edit: a lot of people told me the voice line is from an npc but im too tired to delete everything👍

THIS??? raised so many questions in my head it's crazy. it's unnecessary. The hold this last line has on me is absurd. I think it's directly addressed to Neuvillette and I'm curious why is he the one bringing judgement over all? why is he the one shown all alone in a grey and dull Fontaine?why not Furina? What does "spokesperson for Fontaine's past" suppose to mean??Like we already speculated about him being the Hydro Dragon, but this is *sniff* i smell GREAT storyline.

Genshin is about to drop heeeeavy lore and I'm here for it.

"its unnecessary to hold me in such high regard"

Last line in the trailer. Neuvillette said this right after being shown as one of the most powerful people in the whole nation really. He is either really modest or just tries to hide the fact that he's the most powerful in the nation. Or both. Honestly I'm not even sure of what to say about this, I just had to add it here because Neuvillette said it and I'm in whoo for him.

Him🤝Zhongli , fancy talking and acting like they don't have supreme power.

Last thought: this trailer was so powerful and sad over all. I'm expecting the archon quest to be an emotional rollercoaster with one or two emotional punches. I just know Neuvillette story will make me sob. Just look at him.

p.s. : I saw someone pointing out that the creators said that Neuvillette made a law so that the Melusines to be addressed as she/her and that fills my heart with joy. Neuvillette is shown to be oh so powerful and 'born from calamity' or whatever and yet he's one of the sweetest and kindest characters. 🫶🏼

Conclusion: i love neuvillette and idc about false accusations 😊🫶🏼

[gold-rhine]

I was rewatching the 4.1 trailer again (I just keep going back to it again and again because it's so good? The music?? The characters??? I WANT TO PLAY THE ARCHON QUEST RN SO BAD guess who'll be counting down days and then hours and then minutes until the update haha....)

So! My observations! (in brackets are what should be the timestamps of what I'm referring to/quoting, fyi):

(0:26) I can’t be mistaken, that voice in the beginning is Neuvillette's, and he says "I will arrange false charges against you so that you may secretly investigate inside the Fortress." What made me confused initially was, The Neuvillette— The Chief Justice— was pretty much doing something against the "laws he holds so dear" (not that I'm saying he's "stone hearted" and all that most assume of him, it's just that it feels wrong, to me at least. Neuvillette as I perceived was someone who would uphold the laws, but never at the cost of an innocent's life and yeah, yeah I get the whole deal with Navia's dad is contradictory, but look at Childe's case Neuvillette apologised to the unconscious Harbinger: "I am sorry. If you have been wronged, we will find the truth, but the rules of the court must be upheld.") Basically, I say he's doing everything in his power to protect the people of Fontaine from the prophecy. I believe Neuvillette is being wronged with the whole "Melusines can't be trusted! The same goes for Neuvillette!" like no, just no... But then the Melusines were 'born' from an Abyssal Monster aka Elynas....

Additionally: (2:55) Lyney asks "where did you take my siblings!?" Siblings, as in plural, perhaps the other orphans from the House of the Hearth who might have been sent to infiltrate the Fortress of Meropide??

(3:00) "Since they have no way to dispose of the leftover remains, they have ways to transform them into other forms and keep them in the Fortress forever" words by Wrio which hints that the "siblings" (if not someone else) Lyney mentioned might have been dissolved which is very scary since it means that this Primordial Sea water is now rather... accessible if I must say. (Like initially, I didn't care... not that I actually didn't, but morelike "meh, it would be taken care of by the traveller" because! that place where Traveller found the Primordial Sea water, it was like a tiny lake thingy, so I was thinking it wouldn't suddenly multiply and flood all of Fontaine... right?)

(3:06) Wrio is running away from a flood of Water of the Primordial Sea in the Fortress (it's kinda blue-purple, beautiful, glowy liquid so it's definitely not just some crack in the wall), whiiiiich kinda pretty much tells us of what was flowing in those pipes someone tells us to stay away from (I mean what else would be in pipes? Some kind of gas? Okay. The Primordial Sea water? Heck, yeah.) Okay, moving on,

(3:06) Neuvillette enters the Fortress and boom—(3:28) Neuvillette using what looks like a great amount of power (or he's just simply impressive in whatever he does... okay jokes aside,) to dispel the Water of the Primordial Sea.

So, Neuvillette is able to dispel the Primordial Water, but (3:55) it also looks surrounded at the same time??? And is that Furnina's voice? (If it is, it makes me wonder if she will be alright because I've been getting anxious from her lines (3:18) "Who are you? What are you trying to do? Please don’t kill me, I'm beggining you..." She's the Hydro Archon, for her to feel threatened, it's worrisome...) and what does it mean: "you will see much in the human world from the delightful, to the depressing... And one day, when you have dwelt among humanity long enough, you will be placed to bring judgement over all, as the spokesperson for Fontaine's past"?

Honestly, the more I listen to it, the more it makes me feel it isn't Furina's voice. But anyways I'll just consider that it could be her and will present to you 3 possible explanations for that dialogue (I could be horribly wrong):

One: it was Furina and she said that to Neuvillette (in the scenario where she must exhaust her powers to somehow prevent the Primordial Sea water from dissolving her people)

Two: it was said to Neuvillette but by the Previous Hydro Archon. It makes sense, him being (speculated, though at this point its basically a fact) the Hydro Dragon and having existed prior to Furina and alongside the previous Hydro Archon. And the part, "placed to bring judgement to all, as the spokesperson for Fontaine's past", could refer to him becoming the Chief Justice, someone who upholds the law as well as have memory of Fontaine's pasts

And lastly, the third possibility: it was said to the Traveller by... someone. The traveller is someone who isn't bound to the laws of Teyvat, and essentially, Irminsul. And tampering with Irminsul would have history changed, but the traveller will know (as we've seen with the whole Greater Lord Rukkhadevata and The Balladeer stuff). The traveller is essentially a witness (if you want to know more about this, I suggest you could watch this video if you had time to spare: the video). But if it was told to the Traveller, the whole judgement thing doesn't work out... unless the traveller of course decided to rebel against Furina because of her "failing to take action as an Archon", unlikely if I must say... (but then again, we did kind of rebel against Ei in Inazuma, but that would be repetitive too).

Sorry for the long rant hehe...

imma be real with you chief, i don't think its useful to make any kind of concrete predictions, esp lore ones, based on trailers. genshin trailers are notoriously cut v misleadingly, just to hook you with shock value. they put together visuals that have nothing to do with audio, like they'll show u boss battle with dramatic music and audio is gonna be like "oh no!! Traveler is DYING, someone help!!!" and then turns out audio is from joke part of the quest where traveler pretends to drown

that said, i think we'll get info on Neuvillette and i personally think its connected to former hydro archon and the fact that like half of oceanids left fontaine bc waters are "corrupted". idk if he existed before furina did tho. bc he's mentioned to appear about around time furina does, by the Narzissenkreuz director frex, who calls him "new Iudex" at the moment of time when furina builds opera house. so he was AT LEAST not a public figure before. and from that trailer audio about like living among humans and making judgement, it might be that he only appeared when furina became archon.

[sampirism]

Hmm sorry the more I think about the events of my ending in BG3 the more mildly annoyed I get and I'm not sure how much of it was bugs or writing. Spoiler warning obvs

Lae'zel: There was really no scene with Lae'zel and Orpheus discussing ending Vlaakith's reign, his goal continuing on even without him? Potential bug?? I understand he died or wanted to die now that he's ghaik but it feels like they were definitely supposed to have a moment before he kicked the bucket. I thought she was going to be the one to kill him. It's not like Voss and the rest of the honor guard are totally gone for good, right? Did they die off screen??? All I got was a "TSK'VA, because of you I will be on the run forever. I will thank you, but I will not stay." I can't even... encourage her to stay inspired in her fight against Vlaakith? Wish her well? Apologize?

Gale: I think I convinced him not to go slurp up the crown of karsus for himself? Unclear. I saw a comment from someone who romanced him who was thoroughly upset, because she thought she had convinced him otherwise from a previous scene, he told her he was doing it anyways. Ouch

Astarion: I can accept the bittersweetness of him reacting to the sun, as I strongly dislike ascension ending, but the fact that my game specifically bugged so that I didn't even get to tell him I wanted to look for a vampirism/sunlight cure together? sad :(

Wyll: Man, I feel like my Wyll bugged out forever ago. There was never any dialogue to discuss how Myzora was still hellbent on killing his dad because I saved him from the iron throne (and told Wyll to drop his pact) All I got with him was him saying how he appreciated my sacrifice? (I didn't... do anything... Orpheus became the brain sucker, not me) And him inviting Karlach back to Avernus, which is sweet... but WRT my feelings on

Karlach: How... utterly depressing for the most chaotic good, positive companion's endings be to die, go back to hell, or become a mindflayer. I love a tragedy, but when there seems to be so many scattered clues of fixing her only to never be able to go down any route? Her... final quest ending is... just killing Gortash? She barely even got to speak with him. The fact that I have so much infernal iron, the Gondians, Ironhands, Dammon, the steel watch implying her engine is similar to theirs-- but none of these avenues are further explored than a mild engine stabilization? Pls

Shadowheart: Her only contribution to the ending scene was saying "ah. poor astarion. no more sun for him" I don't know what this bitch (complimentary) is up to next. Same with Halsin.

Honestly, why was there no go around and talk to everyone I've allied with like the Duke, etc., in a place like Elfsong Tavern or the Wyrm Fortress or whatever? It was very abrupt and strange.

[mental-health-advice]

Hey.

For a while I feel like my friendship with this person has become inherently codependent.

I didn't realise how much I needed to be needed by him until recently. I put a lot of my self worth on him and in the process put him above everything else. And I felt justified because he was going through a tough time. And I don't want to judge him, but he isn't exactly the best person. He can be extremely cruel to other people and selfish. But I never questioned anything he did because I wanted him to like me. I didn't neglect any other things like school and stuff. I kept on top of it, but most of my free time was taken up for him, having conversations that I really didn't want to and I enjoyed myself most of the time but sometimes I felt like I outgrew his company. I made up versions of him in my head that were so much better than real life. This was aggravated because we were all in lockdown and I couldn't meet other people. I've only ever known him through phone calls for a while and the two months we actually met in in person school were spent with him feuding against my other friends in his quest for power. I always found it impossible to pick a side in these situations, because the others were right but I wanted to please him too. I was incapable of refusing anything he said. I always had to hide away a part of me because I was afraid he wouldn't like me then. And he could be very controlling too. He thought he was above everyone and the school director kind of favoured him too, so he had a lot of plans for a very unsafe event. But then schools shut down again and he became really depressed and was suicidal and tried to pin everything on me at one point, just because I respected my mother's words. I tried to be there for him, and this went on for four months. I agreed to everything he said because it was easier than fighting with him. Now stuff hit rock bottom and the director has shut him out and told him to just get back to academics. Schools are opening this week and now he's really scared again.

I don't know what to say when he tells me his life sucks and that he doesn't want it. He's out of the extreme phase now and he expects everything to be handed to him without working hard for anything.

I knew he was someone who didn't care about other people and took joy in the sorrow of others but I always excused his behaviour. When things got too bad I stepped aside.

But apart from all of this, I always craved for him to call me. My happiness depended on his. I needed him to talk to me. And me only. I got insanely jealous and beat myself up inside. I worried so much about him but he didn't seem to care about me at all. When I tried to talk about my feeling it resulted in us fighting continuously, with him saying I didn't deserve him. I never needed him to respect me or my boundaries because I knew he was incapable of caring about someone else and that it wouldn't be worth my time. But now I can't take him just using me anymore. At first I just thought that I had feelings for him which caused my jealousy, but then he came out to me, but these still seem to persist. I just need him to come to me for any problem that he has, but that took a hit today, when I couldn't deal with him at all. I've read up codependent friendships and I think that's what is really going on in my head. I don't like him romantically I think, I'm just really insecure.

I don't want to be that person anymore. He doesn't respect my boundaries, my family or my interests. I'm not allowed to have an opinion because anything that he doesn't agree shouldn't be said in his presence. I feel like I'm stuck in the same place and unable to truly be myself. We are so different and my beliefs directly contradict his but I've never been able to express them to him. And he calls himself my best friend. Our other best friend, is kinda in between. She regularly argues with him and demands respect, but he doesn't even consider it. But when he has a problem we have to drop everything for him. And he accuses me of not trusting him. And he tells me not to say things that make him angry rudely but he doesn't do the same for me when I tell him calmly that I don't want to talk about something. He's really condescending too, and acts as of nothing matters but him. And because of the lack of going out, he was the only solace I have.

Despite this I still deeply care about him. This morning he was groaning continuously, and I told him that everyone had problems, he completely turned on me and said that I didn't get to say anything because my life was fine and that his was way more difficult. He acts as if he knows everything about me and assumes that I will be fine no matter how hard his words are. And he's kinda right, because I always come back to him. This same person told me a few minutes ago that everyone one in our grade was fine and that nothing was wrong and that someone should die, so that their life sucks. So he'll be fine if someone died and if they shut the school and the state, so that he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions. He even has the nerve to whine about how he doesn't deserve any small hardship that comes his way. But life's hard and he doesn't seem to realise that there is life after your senior year in high school. He seems to think that this is all that matters. We're just sixteen and he acts like this is all we ever have. I don't know how to help him. He says he has a bad home life, but I don't know how that excuses him being a horrible human being to others for no reason. And he is privileged. I tell him to work hard this year, and next year in college he can do what he wants. But he says he wants the life of a film star without lifting a finger.

I feel like it's my responsibility to fix his issues, but he's the only one who can. I can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.

Moreover he doesn't even care about anything that other people are going through stuff too. And he called me selfish for implying that the world doesn't revolve around him. I've always tried to be there for him, and I still want to, but I don't think it's good for both of us. We're toxic to each other. Sometimes I wish his problems were magically fixed so that we could go back to being normal friends instead of the complete wreckage we both are.

He says no one understands hima s if he was accusing me of not caring enough about him. But I felt like I hit a breaking point and that I couldn't just nod my head anymore. I'm human being with issues of my own but he doesn't give a damn.

I can't even talk to him normally, I have to thread around eggshells to keep him happy, but I'm never happy with him. He says I don't act enthusiastic to his ideas. I hate his ideas but I'm always nice about it. I don't shut him down. I hope he gets the things he wants even if they aren't to my liking. And today he calls me boring and attacks me for not liking marvel. I mean come on can't I even have an opinion on a movie? I said I liked a ship in it ( it was a comfort ship that helped me escape) and he said I didn't have a right to have an opinion because I hadn't watched all the movies. Fandom is something that gives me joy and keeps me grounded and today he attacked something that I thought no one could. My imagination. My ability to create worlds in my head. The worst part, we met because we were both Harry Potter fans. And now he doesn't even feel like that. I helped him edit and write his debut novel. I feel like that person who believed in something is gone. He even admitted to just using me for my knowledge in the beginning.

I still feel sorry for him though. I'm really sorry if I've rambled on for too long. This has become more about him that it has about me.

I still really like him and feel that we can be friends if he starts to try to help himself and if I get rid of my insecurity and jealousy when he talks to other people. My brain is illogical. I don't want to have to deal with all of his issues all the time with no regard for myself, but I don't want him to confide in some else either.

I hate this person that I've become. Who cares about no one but him. I tried to use his issues as a shield against the problems going on in my own life. I try not to let anyone see that I don't have my life together either, because I feel bad about bothering others with my issues, when they have a million struggles of their own, but isn't that what he's doing to me? He disregards my feelings but I'm still very much obsessed with him.

I've lost my sense of self respect completely, and I pushed away other people for him.

I need to stop being codependent on him, and start at least liking myself.

Please help me. I'm sorry if this is too long. I seriously needed to get this off my chest.

And I apologise if I bothered you with my silly problems. I know there are more important things in the world but I seem stuck here. I don't want to appear ungrateful for anything so I pretend that everything is fine. And honestly I feel like I can never be not okay with a wonderful mother like mine. Oh and he hates her too. I just can't seem to win with him. My dad though is a whole nother issue.

This guy gets on my nerves, but I still need him to be happy too. But I shouldn't have to carry that burden. Right?

Hey there,

Due to your Ask being so long, we kindly ask you to resend your Ask and try to keep to our new 700 word limit if at all possible. Long Asks are very difficult for us to answer as there is just way too much information for us to take into account which means that often the Ask will be in our inbox for a lot longer as we don’t always have the capacity to answer them.

We hope that you understand and we are sorry for the inconvenience!

I hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[lunalullylove-blog]

Life begins except for everyone else I've been alive for 30 years.

I wish I could go back in time. To my teenage years, when my mom and dad were getting divorced and I could tell my teenager self that "it is okay to want to be a girl in fact you are a girl, it is okay to let her out now".

Well that teenage girl was trapped, she wanted out but the only ways I would allow her to be outside was when I played games online back when that meant Ragnarok Online or WoW.

Being a girl online felt right to 15 year old me. I loved when people treated me like a girl. I would never pretend to be a girl, I would just act naturally and it was always the case. Obviously things started to get bad psychologically speaking.

I would go to school and be bullied for having girly preferences. I stopped wanting to go to school, fortunately I met a couple of people along the way that allowed me to get through it all, but just barely.

The routine was pretty much set in stone for my brain. Go out, do whatever, come back as fast as I could, log in. That's when anime and Forums became more popular. YouTube was still very recent too. Not too popular here in Brazil still.

I've met a lot of people that would accept me the way I was. A young naive girl stuck in a boy's body, trying to ignore that fact. Around the 2006s there was no positive talk about trans people. We were either crazy or perverted men prostitutes.

Even the internet wasn't as mature back then.

Well my mom married a second time to her childhood friend and my dad just left the picture entirely.

That's when the shit got really bad. I had no permission to be myself in the house. Not because of my mom, but my stepfather. He was someone I didn't know. Someone I wasn't fully comfortable around. Plus he hates Japanese pop culture and was a homophobe.

I know, it sounds like a horror story. Well, that's because it was. I was pressured to find a job, to study and join a college. I had to pay for the college however. With 19 I tried to suicide the first time. I was a mess.

My mom asked my uncle if he could give me a job, so I took it. "It's the best for me" I would chant to myself as I boarded the packed bus for my daily an hour and a half commute.

There the work was maintenance assistant so I pretty much did everything they asked me. Of course being an uninformed person, my superior would make fun of me for being girly. I had to endure it for 2 years. I snapped one day and went home crying. I had no idea exactly why, my brain was in a state of turmoil. Nothing made sense. I had to try to fit in - I was told by my parents. College wasn't different. I gave up and made depts.

I had some relationships that ended in disaster because I was always sad, I barely spoke a word, I was extremely emotionally dependent. That was around 2010.

I became a robot. I parrot of society. I couldn't tell at the time but I was basically trying so hard to live a life as someone I wasn't that to this day I still have blanks.

I closed myself to my feelings and the girl was buried alive under those feelings of hopelessness and fear. She began to fade from my memory alongside my memories of me playing house with my cousin, or me being the girl in every other situation I had the chance when I was a child.

...

It's 2015, I'm 26 years of age working at a game publisher (I know right?? ♡). Still something was wrong. I lost interest in waking up early after 3 years working there. I'm fired. At the same time my girlfriend breaks up with me.

I am now leaving in a cubicle, with no way to pay the expensive rent. I have no one to support me emotionally. I'm lost.

I hang myself with a belt. Fortunately the belt buckle broke and I was tossed back onto the horrible bed.

I had to tell my mom that I had lost the job again. She took me in once again. But this time I was broken. My stepfather at this point is stuck to a wheelchair due to his multiple sclerosis. My mom has to work and take care of him. Having me home was bad and I knew it would be really bad.

At first she supported my therapist and psychiatrist. I started taking meds to treat my now diagnosed ADHD. It got better, I was developing more sense of self, the decluttering of my brain was progressing. I could see it but there was something missing.

3 years living with my mom, unemployed, depressed and needing expensive medication. That's when I saw her hand again. Her beautiful hand sticking out of my brain clutter. With my therapist, we got her back on her feet, shook off all that dirt and I was complete. I found myself within.

I wish that was all, the big quest began because although my mom was supportive at first, her husband and her are now pressuring me to go out, to work in anything to afford the HRT. I'm still depressed however. I fear leaving my room, I hate my image in the mirror. All the body hair. I'm someone I don't recognize.

It honestly feels like waking up. It feels like a time travel. One day I was a cute little girl dressing up and having fun, the next there's some guy looking back at me in the mirror.

I recognize those eyes, lips, nose... But it's all wrong. Where are my breasts? When did this became big? Why do I have the sexual desire of a guy???

I can't go out like this. I don't have a single girl's clothes in my wardrobe.

I wish mom would understand that HRT is the treatment. At least to aliviate my dysphoria. I can't go to find work looking like this. I can't.

I'm stuck now. Hearing my mother tell me she had enough of me being home doing whatever on my PC. She wants me to find a job. But I can't go out without feeling like I'll suffocate in anxiety.

Brazil is a funny country. It's beautiful. Progressive in some areas but absurdly regressive in others. To top things off with a cute little bow... even though I'm told by my mother that I'm not looking for work, I actually am. Just so I can afford my undies and makeup not to mention the HRT.

In Brazil, the worker's laws are very punitive towards the employer. Which leads to most establishments to hire one person to perform multiple functions.

The paycheck isn't big either. If you convert to US dollars, minimum wage as of the writing of this post is around $350 a month.

It would probably be fine still. I would probably struggle to work an entire month to get that much but at least I would be able to pay to start the HRT which in turn would increase my selfesteeme to keep working.

One day maybe even move over to the US. Which was another recovered dream of mine.

Anyways... this is really long. I thought I wouldn't be able to write about this... It's probably hard to read since most of my memories are still a mess.

With love.

Luna Duarte

Ps: This is face app. I look like a zombie irl.