#hopefully no one will try to gatekeep my trauma

[r0seart]

Might regret this post in the morning but I’m tired of being judged by others for the moral failings of fictional characters I like. It’s my trauma, I get to choose which sick bastard I get to project myself onto.

[many-but-one]

More Host Team Shuffling

As the title says, host team is shuffling around again. It's always interesting how quickly the host team shuffles around based on the time of the year and what is needed at the time. Which I have somewhat learned is pretty normal for systems with polyfragmentation.

Anyway, felt like doing an update because why not. Ess had been co-host for about a couple months but he is now a purely internal part, replacing another part who wasn't doing her job very well. We're working with that particular part currently, but it hasn't been going well and she's kind of been wreaking havoc on a lot of internal parts, Dorian specifically.

We are also working on getting the newer splits caught up to speed, though they will likely *not* be part of the host team, just folks that pop in every once in awhile. Rook and Seneca are just kind of vibing right now, and they're doing alright. It's pretty clear they're still not super "whole" as they mainly fragmented off of Dorian and Vivian rather than a clear split, so elaboration of those two might take some time, if it happens at all. Our therapist believes Seneca will likely be very temporary, as the reason for his split was me (Dorian) learning too much too fast, and once I start processing things slower and in a more healthy way, Seneca and I will rejoin and I'll be allowed to hold what he holds.

So far, the host team has shuffled around to include these folks:

-Dorian. Duh. ANP "main" host.

-Valentine. Tertiary gatekeeper, guy who handles switching when James isn't around, main co-host and primary protector. Unsure who is handling his area while he's doing this job, but that's something I'll learn later, I'm sure.

-Vivian/Vivi. Persecutor/Protector. Newer member to the host team. He was a frequent fronter but was never considered part of the host team because he was not very responsible. We're trying to get him to work *with* us rather than against us, and with his recent split, that seems to be working really well.

-Priest. Another tertiary gatekeeper. He's not as active as others on the host team, but is significantly more active than before. Likely because he has nobody to replace his "post" in the IW, so he only shows up for emergencies.

-James. Primary gatekeeper, has intermittent periods of being suddenly super active in front and then gone for like a month.

-Deimos. Persecutor/Protector. Has apparently always been there and is really commonly in co and I don't even notice it because he's literally always been there. Working on his persecutor related stuff but he's doing really well.

The ones you will likely see the absolute MOST will be Dorian, Valentine, and Vivian, I'm thinking. We seem to be the primary host parts right now, though Priest certainly pops in enough and Deimos is pretty much always lurking in the backseat.

That's all I've got for this update. Again at my anons/asks in the ask box, I'll get to them when I'm feeling up to it a bit more. These last few weeks have been an absolute shitshow and I know this weekend will probably not be much better. Lol. But then hopefully the rest of November will be a bit more rest and recovery. Internally we've been working on structuring the inner world and making areas for parts to be safe and feel like they have a place to go, rather than wandering around the "deep" inner world forest. (An example would be a part named Iris or a few parts I don't know that I've dubbed the "leprosy girls," we've made them a "hospital" because they are injured or in pain internally and making places for them to get healed or feel like they're being taken care of is important. This has been a super positive change and has made me realize I really need to do more inner world work and comforting of parts when I'm feeling okay to do so, as it always seems to work out in my favor. Just seems like when I get into these weeks of constant trauma responses and constant triggers and severe destabilization of the system, I kind of neglect any "inner work" because I'm too scared to purposely go inside and do anything with folks. (Going inside has left me hurt many times in the past, including SA by persecutor parts or getting quite literally ripped in half by our Inner gatekeeper. It's been a...time. A time. That's all I can really say about it.)

I look back just a few months ago and I'm in awe of how quickly things have progressed, better or worse. I've learned some massively fucked up things, but I'm finally getting some pieces put together that make a lot of the things that didn't make sense prior make a disturbing amount of sense. Which is in turn helping with denial and helping me understand parts more. It's fucking devastating, no doubt, and I'm a fucking wreck. BUT, I'm still here, I'm alive, I'm actually working a JOB?! Like, wow. Look at us go, lol.

(Speaking of job, I will make a post about that later, but something super significant happened at our "new" job, and it's VERY positive and a massive win, but I don't want to clog this post with that information.)

That's it! Until next time.

-Dorian (he/him)