#horatio sanz

[one-time-i-dreamt]

Colleen Ballinger's lawyer was prince Andrew's lawyer? Also Bill Cosby's, Danny Masterson's, Horatio Sanz, Armie Hammers...

[bretzkysbs]

JINGLEHEIMER JUNCTION!

[mudwerks]

(via Kaitlyn Gets Her Ears Pierced - SNL (2004)

[teffiebell]

Folsom: What kind of cereal you've been eating, Vallejo? Gullible loops?

[sinnaminie]

In honour of S3 Green Bean trailer, here are some plushies from S1 & S2

[your-daily-snl]

Kaitlyn Gets Her Ears Pierced, starring Amy Poehler as a hyperactive 10-year-old who really really reeeeeeeeally wants to get her ears pierced.

Original Air Date: 2004

[gameofthunder66]

'The New Guy' (2002) film

-watched 1/22/2024- 2 [1/2] stars- on DVD

This was a very silly movie; all about some students lives at a high school, but it did end well.

[classicajays]

[adamwatchesmovies]

Tomcats (2001)

Tomcats is a sex comedy so aggressively misogynist, so unfunny, and so inept it will make you want to chemically castrate yourself with molten lava. It’s an extreme statement but your hatred towards this film will be extreme. Anything you can do to dissociate yourself from this wretched excuse for entertainment isn’t enough.

As another member of the gang gets married, the remaining bachelors make a pact to stay single forever. To make their pledge more interesting, everyone in attendance agrees to throw money in a fund every year, with the last “tomcat” taking the whole thing. Years later, when Michael (Jerry O’Connell) becomes indepted to pit boss Carlos (Bill Maher, who adds another reason to hate him by appearing in this film), he desperately needs cash. He makes it his mission to get Kyle (Jake Busey) to fall in love with the one woman he came closest to caring for, Natalie (Shannon Elizabeth).

At least writer/director Gregory Poirier lays his cards on the table right away. This is American Pie if ALL of the characters were Stiffler after spending a decade inside the world of Porky’s and then 10 times less funny. To the men in this film, women are not potential partners or lovers and friendship is out of the question. If you have a pair of breasts and you’re attractive, you’re another target. If you’re old or overweight, you’re garbage. Nothing could be worse than telling a woman “I love you” or spending the rest of your life in a monogamous relationship.

Assuming you can get past the rampant hatred for women that stinks up the entire running time, you’re in for a ridiculous and convoluted premise. In a bid to impress a woman who “only pays attention to high rollers”, Michael blows over $50,000 dollars on the casino floor in one night. I say if he’s that stupid, let him get dumped in the ocean with cement shoes. He’s too dumb to live. Instead, he’s given one chance to save his life by setting up his “friend” in a fake marriage to a woman who hates him. Granted, said friend took Natalie's virginity and threw her away like a proposition to allow women the right to vote, so you don't feel bad for him. Turns out Natalie is a vengeful undercover police officer and she’s more than willing to use the precinct’s ressources to spy on a civilian. Plus, she'll get paid, so that's great but uh oh! The more time she and Michael spend together, the more they realize they have things in common… What could happen next?

The plot is as predictable as it gets and since there is no character development or relationships to be fleshed out, the running time is padded with gags so lame they’ll make you beg for death. When Natalie hints to Michael that she may be falling for Kyle, he becomes furious. In retaliation, he decides he’ll sleep with the next woman he sees (it’s that easy, don’t you know?). First one’s a fatty so he meant the first HOT woman he sees. It’s a demure librarian. I’ll give you three guesses what happens when she brings him home. It’s awful, but not as awful as the gag in which Michael has to chase down a runaway testicle in the hospital (really) or the running joke in which Michael and Kyle’s mutual friend, Steve (Horatio Sanz) thinks his beautiful wife, Tricia (Jaime Pressly) is cheating on him with another woman. She is and he would be mad about it but when he gets invited to join the in the bedroom, all of his anger and anxieties go away.

The performances from the leads aren’t the worst you’ve seen. Or maybe they just seem decent compared to Jaime Pressly, who is so awful you swear they sculpted her out of pine and dragged her on set. Your jaw drops but you pick it up quickly out of fear that some bodily fluid will fly out of the screen and into your mouth. This is the one area where the film kind of shows restraint. Aside from a fake-look lactating breast shown during a horrifying fantasy sequence, there isn’t any nudity in this movie… until the end credits when we see a bunch of outtakes, none of which are any funnier than the actual movie.

If all of these flaws weren’t enough, the direction is aw-ful. Gregory Poirier transitions from scene to scene like an amateur. You know those transitions you find in Microsoft Powerpoint? The one where the screen spins on itself, the checkerboard cross, the zig-zag cross, and the circle wipe? all are used without a dash of irony. The budding “romance” between Natalie and Michael isn’t the least bit convincing because a) the actors have no chemistry whatsoever and b) their dialogue is never romantic or realistic. Constantly, your eyes will dart towards the clock on your player. Has it really only been an hour? We’ve got how many more minutes to go?

I haven’t hated a movie as much as I hated Tomcats in a while. It’s hard to imagine ANYONE watching the film and having a good time unless they were one of those “bros before hoes” idiots… and even then, they wouldn’t be able to relate to this film’s ending so that’s a no-go for those chowderheads either. I can’t wait to forget I ever saw this abomination. (On VHS, May 9, 2021)

[one-time-i-dreamt]

Jesus Christ

[devoted-to-colin-farrell]

Pat ‘N Patti’’s Slacks, Snacks & Knick Knack Shack SNL sketch in 2004 with Horatio Sanz, Maya Rudolph and Colin Farrell.

[denimoverall]

[camyfilms]

MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET 1994

I ask the court to judge which is worse: A lie that draws a smile or a truth that draws a tear.

[im-overstimulated-and-im-sad]

Some more out of context quotes from Amy Poehler’s book, because it is dabomb.com:

“The school called us The Handcuff Girls, which will be my band’s name when I become a rockstar in my mid-sixties”.

“He offered to help and pulled ten loose pills out of his pocket before realizing none of them were painkillers”.

“I like to refer to the transition period of any new job as “finding out where the bathrooms are”.

“She put her hand on Maya’s shoulder and in a thick Spanish accent said, “don’t cry, sexy”.

“Horatio was sweet but fearless. He once walked through a sliding glass door on a dare”.

“No more movies about people’s mouths being sewn onto people’s butts”.

“We look out the windows and see the sky and are reminded of how amazing it is to get in a giant steel bird and not have to die on the trail like our forefathers”.

“Recent movies I have cried to include 21 Jump Street, That’s My Boy, The Taking of Pelham 123 and Jackass 2”.

“Jon Bon Jovi went into his own archives and got out the actual outfit he had worn twenty years before during the Slippery When Wet tour; it still fit. Jon Bon keeps it TIGHT”.

“Sometimes I would fantasize about answering the question “how do you do it?” With quick one word answers; ambivalence. Drugs. Robots”.

[hottest-snl-man]

[taylorvaughnsaidso]

For Horatio/Jimmy synopsis:

Okay this explains Jimmy getting called out for shitty workplace behaviors too now... soften the blow for Horatio/Jimmy allegations.

👀 on the Pete front.