#however it is so intense of an experience that I genuinely can't read it for too long

[lala-blahblah]

I will never make this because it would be for an audience of one (me) but ever since reading "If we Were Villains" (story about serious drama kids in college who perform shakespeare and deal with a murder) I have been entertaining the thought of a crack fic crossover with High School Musical The Musical The Series where the staff decides they will no longer put on shakespeare after the tragic accident that happened at Thanksgiving, because Shakespeare plays would only increase the tension and drama. So they hire Ms. Jen who decides their spring play will actually be High School Musical (which exists in the 90s in this universe) and it ruins the vibe so much that everyone gives up on being dark and mysterious because they're universally pissed at Ms Jen for making them learn choreoraphed basketball dancing.

[cassmouse]

Okay. Okay okay okay so I am very very close to the end of Bunny I probably should be finishing it but this is so obscenely horrifying, hallucinogenic and absolutely fucking devastating that I can't physically bring myself to

[lunahearts]

Soooo I read all of Dungeon Meshi in this past week and I have many thoughts bouncing around in my brain and I think the only thing to do with them is some AGGRESSIVELY CLOSE READING of a scene I wanted to come back to and try to understand better.

So: I want to talk about chapter 28

This entire section of the story is something I feel like I am going to want to come back to a lot, because its such a transitional time and I feel like there are a lot of themes/ideas that I wasn't fully aware of during my first reading, and stuff I missed because of that.

One of the biggest things I have been turning over in my head is... hey, what was UP with the Marcille/Falin bath scene? Maybe it was because I was already primed to pay attention to stuff with them going into the story, or because I had already seen a couple of panels out of context. In any case, it really kind of stuck out to me as being very short but also VERY intense, while also being... hard for me to define? Some part of the nature of the intensity felt like it was going over my head.

I wasn't sure that revisiting it would help with this right away, but to my surprise, it actually WAS a lot easier for me to follow and understand when I went back to it. So I want to just do a close reading of That Scene and some other parts of the chapter & context around it all, because I think it offers insight into Falin & her relationships, and what purpose this chapter serves within the story as a whole.

So first of all, I think it's interesting that the scene starts with Marcille bathing Falin.

It feels very caring in a more platonic, less charged way then what will follow.

Marcille goes from this caretaker mode to joining Falin in the bath, and then of course we get the first of The Panels

(as a small note, I only noticed when revisiting that Marcille is using the rest of her Kelpie soap in the bath. Isn't that just the most heartwrenching little detail. Augh)

Anyway, one of the first things I thought was interesting going back to this is how much it reminded me of the very different sort of intimacy that came just before it - when Laios and Marcille assembled Falin's bones.

This is such a beautiful and intimate sequence, and something about Marcille examining Falin, whole, after the fact... I can't imagine there are not some echoes of those bones in Marcille's mind. The action seems more startling/intense for Falin at first, and maybe part of that is because Marcille has already experienced this level of intimacy with Falin's body in a way Falin herself wasn't a part of.

This panel in particular I think is a summation of the difference in the experience for them. This looks like... near orgasmic for Falin tbh, and Marcille is very focused on the actual like practical part of what she's doing, seemingly completely unaware of the Effect she is having on Falin.

The whole short sequence is focused on this intimacy that Marcille initiated seemingly without fully being aware of what she was actually doing. And once Marcille is satisfied, she is also the one that ends it, sitting back in the bath and moving out of Falin's proximity. All on her own terms, and for her own ends.

HOWEVER... Falin doesn't just let things go.

Instead, she returns Marcille's attention. First, by asking after her wellbeing:

Marcille, of course, deflects (there will be a lot of that in this scene).

But Falin doesn't let it go.

Falin is not a confrontational person. She likes to keep the peace. In this context, and in context of the way that Marcille was the one to come into Falin's space initially, the way that Marcille controlled the initial intimacy... this is striking. I genuinely think that these three panels might convey one of the most assertive actions Falin (as herself) takes in the entire story. One of the only things that outdoes it is the fucking INCITING INCIDENT OF THE WHOLE STORY.

I'd also like to point out here that this action of Falin's also parallels her resurrection by Marcille & Laios. It's is also a forbidden magical action done to save someone(s) she loves, and its something she does TO them, that they are not fully aware/able to react to until its done.

Anyway, back to the bath scene. Falin is taking action here and asserting herself. And how does Marcille react?

She flips out!! She rejects it! She tells Falin that she isn't supposed to be acting like that.

It's a very distancing response from Marcille, and also one that puts her back in that caretaker mode from the start of the scene. She also puts even more distance between herself and Falin by sinking into the water.

Falin doesn't give up though! She continues to assert herself. She's okay, she is allowed to chose to do this.

And Marcille continues to push her away. It looks to me like she only starts to relax a little once she fits Falin into a role she can better define and control. You're a patient, you're recovering, I understand this fact and you don't. Let me take care of you.

But, for a third time, Falin pushes back.

I don't think it’s coincidence that this is where she opens her eyes. She asks directly about the thing that they have both been dancing around:

The resurrection spell. The fact that Falin KNOWS about this, at least in part, recontextualizes the quiet battle for control between the two them. They both know at least some part of the truth. Marcille wants nothing else then to ignore it. Falin wants to be able to talk about it. Marcille's blatant refusal to give her those answers, I think, is what keeps them out of sync - intimate only ever in one direction at a time, never fully together.

And of course, even when directly confronted, Marcille refuses to engage with the truth.

This moment being on the bottom of the page is notable too. There's a beat here. The last panel holds on Falin's face. The reader reaches the bottom of the page, and they are held here for a beat as well, with Falin. It's not quite a rejection yet. What Marcille says isn't directly an answer to Falin's question, but it is a response. A valid one, even! Falin wasn't just asking the question after all, but struggling with guilt that Marcille has every reason to want to reject.

But then you move on the next page, and...

Marcille isn't actually addressing the question at all, not directly. She's deflecting, again. Oh we had a ~difficult time~, there were a lot of "tough situations." Even though she and Falin both know about the resurrection, and Falin has made it clear that she wants to talk about it, Marcille pushes away from the actual topic. She keeps things broad and indirect.

She offers the smallest gesture to Falin - nothing more than a whisper of 'don't worry about it I won't get in trouble' (even though Falin's concern was never just about Marcille getting in trouble).

Marcille then continues to deflect even further, completely changing the subject onto clothes and frog adventures, which seems to distract Falin as well, as she finally gives up on pushing.

And that's where the scene ends! Marcille pushes into Falin's space (without fully realizing), and Falin pushes back. She tries three times to get Marcille to acknowledge her wants, and three times Marcille rejects her, though she does eventually convey some truth. She is honest in her belief that Falin doesn't need to feel guilty, and that things will all work out, even as she continues to deflect the rest of the question. Falin finally accepts that, the topic of conversation changes, and we move on.

But there is a little bit more that happens between them. Towards the end of the chapter, they have this little 'oh no we have to share a bed' situation. Classic stuff.

And Falin seems to realize that the context of this is kinda different now then it was when they were in the magic academy. She's not a kid any more, and they just had those intimate moments in the bath. There's a new tension between them, or one that new at least to the bed sharing of it all.

And in this respect, too Marcille pulls away from what Falin is trying to say. She tries to frame Falin as a kid, tries to insist that nothing is different.

When I first got to this part, it honestly felt... a little uncomfortable? After the bath scene, it is really weird to move into a new intimate situation with Marcille explicitly treating Falin as a kid.

What I have realized in coming back to this scene, though, is how much I think its meant to feel uncomfortable. Throughout the chapter, Marcille's responses to Falin become increasingly patronizing. By letting some of that conflict between them resolve at the end of the first scene, the chapter seems to let things rest, and lets you set it out of your mind.

Then, when the same type of conflict comes back at the end of the chapter, Marcille is even more blatantly treating Falin like a kid, and the unfairness of it hits even stronger. They are both adults, and Falin deserves the truth. After 27 chapters from the perspective of Laios, Marcille, and the others in the group, this progression lets you feel things from Falin's perspective. It's supposed to feel uncomfortable because it IS uncomfortable for Falin, the way no one will quite tell her the truth.

After all, Marcille isn't the only one to do this kind of deflecting when Falin tries to ask about what happened. Laios has a similar response, right down to the 'treating her a bit like a kid' part.

Even more importantly, this final conversation of the chapter reveals one last layer in the knowledge/power imbalance between Falin and the rest of the party: she doesn't actually remember sacrificing herself and teleporting them out.

As I mentioned before, that action was one of the most assertive things we see Falin do in the story, and she doesn't even get to keep that for herself. Instead of being her action, her choice, it becomes yet another thing that the others know more about than her.

I think that's part of why there is such an air of melancholy to this hug they share on the next page

Obviously, obviously, there are so many emotions here for Laios and I don't think its all meant to be viewed as a negative thing, or that he or Marcille are being completely unreasonable. They've been through a lot, and what's more, they think they have time now. So much more time then they actually will have. Time to explain, to open up, to let Falin return to the group in full - as a teammate and not just as someone to be cared for and protected.

But they don't get time. And this relenting by Falin, this "I won't do it again," it's not something that feels triumphant. It's an attempt to comfort them, more a prayer than a promise. As if she is trying to exorcise a spirit. As if she is capable of promising that death won't come, eventually. It's what Laios needs, not what she wants.

That's the real tragedy of the chapter, I think. It's the one time, in the midst of everything, that they have the chance to give Falin what she wants - and they don't do it.

But I do think they realize that, and I think that this failure is a core part of their journey. It's another bittersweet taste to add to the mix - all the missed chances in this chapter to connect, amidst the moments of genuine peace they do get throughout it.

As Laios puts it later...

If Falin hadn't been eaten by the dragon, and perhaps if they hadn't failed her here, they never would have had the adventure that they got to share.

(or, perhaps more tactfully: in life & chapter 28, there are both good times and bad. Thanks, Chilchuk)

[thoseyoulove]

Hi! How’s part 2 of QotD treating you? And as you seem to have reached it, what was your impression of the Devil’s minion chapter?

Hi!

So far so good, but I'm really early, I've just read the first POV (Daniel's) and now I'm on the second page of Khayman's. He just entered the venue, but nothing has happened yet. There is this alarmingly clear feeling in the air that something big is about to happen, but I haven't reached that part.

The Devil's Minion was probably my second favorite chapter. I mean, I love Armand, he's my favorite, so it's really easy to love anything that includes him. It was sweet, appealing and even hilarious at times (I literally laughed so loud I woke up relatives in the a.m. and had tears in my eyes). It warmed my heart to see Armand learning about all the changes the world has gone through and his excitement with all of it. It was lovely to see how Daniel would just go on with it and was so patient because Armand was, well, intense about those discoveries lmao. It was awesome that Armand felt safe and comfortable to be himself and experiment so much when he was with Daniel. I truly enjoyed it.

The only downsides for me are, first, the fact that Anne's timelines are weird sometimes. She covered, what, 12 years on one chapter? And even though it's on my top 2 of chapters, it didn't feel like it represented as much time as it was supposed to. I think I'd only be convinced of that if there had been more chapters, or even a whole book series about them. It was deep, but didn't feel like it was such a long period, you know?

And the second thing is the fact that I still don't believe I know Daniel that well. I usually take too long to fall in love with a character or ship, I often need a lot of time and development. I have to feel like I know both of them well, and why those two are the right match for each other instead of something else, I have to see the chemistry etc. That's why I struggle with movies (they're too short) and books (I can't see them in front of my eyes) and prefer TV shows. However, even with TV shows, I usually take seasons plural to fall in love with anyone/anything (specially now with series getting shorter) and don't have as many favorite characters and OTPs as most people do. It's very hard for me to be immediately sold. There have been a few exceptions that captivated me in film or just one episode/chapter, but it's rare. I think I need to learn more about Daniel, but it's okay since there are more of his POVs coming. Still, it doesn't change the fact it was one of the best chapters so far. Like I said, I genuinely enjoyed it and it was my top 2, but not my number #1, you know? Quite high, but not the highest.

That said, I'm absolutely sure the writers and actors will elevate it to a whole new level. I can't wait to see it finally being brought to life, because it has so much potential. Specially if they span it through multiple episodes and do it at a slower pace. And it would make it both more earnest and tender. Plus, I have a soft spot for slowburns (they're most of my OTPs), the longing, the wait, the hype, the sense of something being earned and that whole shebang. The journey of slowly reaching milestones, is, like, 30% of the fun for me. And I'm positive they'll use the opportunity to make it more dramatic, emotional, intense and give us chills and tears in the best possible way. My expectations couldn't be higher and I have total trust in them. I mean, THIS is already my favorite scene on the show.

Okay, it's a perfect tie with loustat's church and reunion/hug scenes and I'll never be able to choose one, but these are my HOLY TRINITY. I will never stop freaking out about their chemistry. TDLR: I already enjoy Armand and Daniel individually and together (specially on the show), I'm really curious and excited to see more and I expect them to get even more of my appreciation with time. They're special, just not a favorite at the moment... But with the full potential of becoming one.

By the way, sorry for how lengthy this is, it suddenly got waaaaaaay longer than I'd anticipated lol. How about you, what do you think? :) And thanks for the question! <3

[ifjgh]

The first character of '78 is my favorite Italian Nerd, Attilio Moretti.

Here's some basic info! <3

Goes By: Attilio Nicknames: Tilly, AM, 4-Eyes DOB: Feb.14th, 1956 Age: 22 (until Valentine's, then he's 23 for the rest of the story) Gender: Male (He/Him) Sexuality: Bi/Pan Ethnicity: Jewish, Italian Occupation: Student (Business Major), Volunteers at the Library, Tutoring, Possible side-job, Possible Waiter at Family Restaurant Socioeconomic Status: Fairly rich family, everyone jokes that it's because of Mafia connections, but his family just runs a genuinely good restaurant Place of Birth: Sicily, Italy Family: Has a younger sister and brother, Mother (Jewish) and Father (Italian), big extended family Height: 5'8“ (5'10” with shoes) Weight: 140 lbs. Disabilities: Extremely Near-Sighted, would be almost blind without his glasses Fashion Style: Soft/Preppy/Nerd, usually sweaters and a button down. Glasses needed (see previous point) Coordination (or lack thereof): Horrible coordination, even with glasses, can't catch a single thing thrown at him to save his life even if it's a pen, always fumbles Personality Type/Trait: Logistician - Practical and Fact-Minded, Very Reliable. Bit of a Know-It-All, and cocky about it. Introvert/Extrovert: Introverted, but can open up if dragged somewhere with someone he trusted and not left alone. Intelligence: Above Average, except when it comes to social situations, smartest out of all of the Main 8 Self-Esteem: Slightly Below Average, doesn't hate himself, but he doesn't think he's good enough for the MC beyond friendship, aka he thinks MC could do better. He does however see himself as an intellectual superior amongst the guys though, and will brag about that. Hobbies: Reading, Studying, Helping Keo with basic Tech Tinkering, Cooking, Collects Rare Book Printings Skills/Talents: Cooking, High Intellect, Good Problem Solver/Mediator Loves: Reading and Learning about other cultures, Helping Others, Being Right, Relaxing Alone, Finding Rare Book Printings for his Collection Phobias/Fears: Being Wrong, Someone loosing Trust in him, Being Alone Forever, Unwanted, Unloved, Large Groups of Water Angered By: Bullying (Syd, in general), Ignorance Pet Peeves: Untidiness, People not Listening to Him Obsessed With: Getting good grades, Being Right, Cleanliness (I'm starting to think he has some type of OCD, very “everything has it's place” type of deal), Learning as Much as he Can about Everything he Can Bad habits: Bragging about how Smart he is, loyal even too a fault, saying ”I told you so!!!“ while not actually helping with fixing the problem, Ignoring people if he thinks they're a waste of time Desires: Life-Long Companionship, Success, to have a Family one day, Intimacy, Experience Flaws: A bit of an Ego with his intelligence, doesn't always think about other's feelings if it means he'll be right, Clutz, Quiet, a bit of a Coward (ex: won't stand up for himself if Syd goes too far), has an outward-directed desire to please others but at the risk of losing his own identity Secrets: The crush he's had on his Best-Friend (MC) since they were kids, he'd practically die if they knew, let alone if they reciprocated those feelings. Anyone finding the ”Adult“ books in his collection. While his direct family doesn't have ties to the Mafia, doesn't mean his extended family doesn't. Has a pretty intense scar he got back in High School thanks to Manzo on his left hip. Regrets: Despite the previous point, he wishes everyday that he could tell MC about his feelings, and that he wishes he told them sooner. Meeting Syd. Not being able to say no to doing BeeDee's homework, because of his more surface level crush for her and need to be liked Accomplishments: Got in on a scholarship, had the best grades in his former High School. Won a local cook-off, and still has the tiny trophy in his room. The rare printings of Kafka's works and "La Divina Commedia" that he has in his collection. Languages Known: Fluent in Italian and English, and is slowly picking up some Vietnamese and 'Ōlelo Hawai'i (from hanging out with Keo) and some Japanese (from being roommates with Manzo)

(Things are subject to change the more I get things fine tuned, I've also kept some things secret for the time being. - Crow <3)

Bonus! Basic Profile Sheet, for funsies! X

[444lpblue]

Undead Unluck #1 - Undead and Unluck

Screenplay: Gakuto Haishima Storyboard: Yuuki Yase Episode Director: Yuuki Yase Chief Animation Director: Hideyuki Morioka Animation Directors: Hideyuki Morioka, Shunichi Ishimoto, Yuu Fukuoka, Yumenosuke Tokuda Key Animators: Kazuhiro Miwa, Hideyuki Morioka, Shiori Tanaka, Kumiko Kawashima, Kyouko Niimura, Naoto Yoshida, Nobuo Takahashi, Hiroyuki Ookaji, Shunichi Ishimoto, Rin Ogawa, Yuuko Dangi, Mahora Muraki, Akio Kitahara, Katsuyuki Tsubouchi, Hirokazu Satou, Yuu Fukuoka, Shingo Fujisaki, Yasuto Hirohara, Rie Oomori, Yukio Okano

Yuuki Yase is possibly one of my favorite directors of all time, and I don't exactly hide this. The Kubikiri Cycle is one of my all-time favorite anime series that has continued to mesmerize and be a part of my life since its airing. Yuuki Yase's direction of that series was simply one of the best I've seen. The very concept of Zaregoto is one that is more driven by dialogue and conceptuality than even Monogatari, I would say. He was able to somehow represent the oddity in Zaregoto in visual form. Not much was happening, but the way things were framed made it uncomfortable, it felt confined even as they were in this large, spacious castle cloaked in ambiguity, the characters themselves were uncanny in a way. Let's just say I was completely charmed. So when I heard that Yuuki Yase was going to direct Undead Unluck, I was very curious, as I had never read the series before, as it never really interested me. I had a feeling I would like it since it's Yuuki Yase directing it, but I never expected it to this extent.

My jaw dropped during the cold open of the episode, all of which was helmed by Taiki Konno, who you may have seen earlier this year in the ending visual for Magical Destroyers which aired this year.

I would love to post every frame of the opener here, but of course, I can't do that. Within a very short timeframe of maybe 2 minutes, you're introduced to this fictional manga series that our main character is reading, all while relating it back to her traumatic past. It's genuinely beautiful and haunting at the same time. The buildup to the explosion of the plane was intense, and when it happened, even though you're barely beginning the episode, there's a sense of catharsis in seeing the tragedy occur. The artstyle throughout was very much Konno's usual style but it felt less constrained and more self fulfilling than any work he has done in previous anime. It felt like a great opportunity for him to showcase himself and that he completely did.

The rest of the episode took a very different turn than the intro but it was still every fun. Close up eyes shot, the use of color and desaturation much like in Fire Force or Kubikiri Cycle is prevalent here and it mixes well in creating intrigue during the introduction of Andy.

The overall production was a lot of fun, and it was superbly well animated. With the key animators' staff being completely stacked, it wasn't surprising. The actual story premise was even more enjoyable than I had anticipated, and I'm going to continue enjoying it. However, I have a feeling that Yuuki Yase is elevating this to a different level that I wouldn't experience than if I just read the manga.

[acacia-may]

Hiya Acacia! For the salty ask game; may I ask for 1, 4, and 11 please 🥰? It can be for any fandom, but if you want a specific one it can be Black Clover!

Alright Lyra! Let's get salty about Black Clover ^^

Necessary disclaimer above the cut: These are just my own personal opinions based on my personal tastes, perceptions, and feelings regarding the series, stories, and characters and their relationships. I genuinely have the utmost respect and absolutely no ill will towards anyone who has a different opinion than me. In fact, I have always said that one of the greatest things about fandom is that we can all experience and perceive these amazing stories and characters in very different ways but still love them. Even some of my dearest fandom friends enjoy different pairings than me or see our shared favorite characters in wildly different ways than I do. I personally find it very rewarding to have respectful conversations about our differences of opinion, and I hope that my opinions will also be respected. Also, I don't vibe with just mindless bashing things, so even though this is about to get very salty and a little snarky, I'll try to keep it respectful and all in good fun. I am not tagging anything and am hiding my thoughts under the cut so you all don't have to be subjected to my hot takes and "Salty Acacia," if you don't want.

OTPs in your fandom(s) do you just not get?

Yami paired with any of his Black Bull subordinates!! I mean I guess I get it if you don't see him as a parental figure to them, but in my mind, this whole group has Daddy Issues™️ and collectively adopted this man as their father-figure. The idea of adding romance in there just gives me the ick. Especially with Finral...It's just such a personal squick for me that I will just never understand it. Sorry not sorry.

Also, Langris x Mimosa. I do not vibe with that. It's not as visceral as the Yami x a Black Bull ships, but it's just not my cup of tea at all and I genuinely can't imagine them (as I personally perceive them) ever having a romantic interest in each other since she's kind of like a little sister to him in my mind. I know people, including friends, who ship this pairing and I respect that. I've actually read fics about them trying to understand it and the appeal, but ultimately I'm just never going to get this one personally. It's just not for me.

4. Do you have a NoTP in your fandom? Are they a popular OTP?

YamiFin. See above. I know a lot of people ship it, including people I know and consider my friends, and I know it is because they view their relationship in a wildly different way than me and do not imagine those paternal, familial vibes between them that I do. Like I said in the disclaimer, I respect their differences of interpretation and opinions, so again nothing against them. For me, however, I personally do not vibe with that ship on every possible level. Again, in my mind, Yami is just such father-figure to him that this is just viscerally a NoTP for me.

Vanessa x Yami is the same way but less intense(?) I guess because she has shown a canonical romantic interest in him at least back when he was the only man she had ever seen... (which doesn't seem healthy, so that's a really big nope for me. Also again with the father-figure vibes!!)

I guess Mimosa x Langris is a NoTP too, but it doesn't give me as much of the personal ick as the Yami ones and I don't think it's that popular, so it feels a little unfair to list them here even if I really, really don't vibe with that one. Still, it's a no for me!

11. Is there an unpopular character you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

I'm not entirely sure who is unpopular in the fandom at large because I feel like we kind of have our chill, small corner of the BC fandom here and that's where I hang out. I guess I would say Langris because I think he is a pretty dislikable character and even though I feel like most people tolerate him a little more after the Spade Arc, he isn't the most popular when he's really one of my personal favorite characters in the series. I feel like he has a lot of depth to him, and he interests me. I don't excuse his bad behavior or the way he treated his brother, but I think I can understand the why behind his behavior and appreciate that he has been having a good arc. He isn't as terrible of a person as I thought he was in the beginning. Even I used to detest him, but now he's a favorite.

I'm not sure who else is unpopular? Um...I feel like Mimosa gets a lot of undeserved hatred sometimes because of the whole shipping war (which I also don't understand), and that irks me because I think she's actually a pretty cool character and it's not fair that she gets written off and/or disliked for shipping discourse outside of her control. If y'all are so obsessed with her gettting in a relationship with someone who isn't Asta just ship her with Yuno or something I guess??? It's really not that hard! I like her friendship with Klaus and Yuno and her cousin relationship with Noelle a lot. She's also had a good arc! (Sorry that's one wasn't very salty...😅)

[chaos--mode]

announcement!

common squicks, triggers, and intense topics will now be tagged as topic // also a couple super quick additions to my guidelines, nothing major just housekeeping basically:

mutuals only. i've had some weird and off-putting experiences with people in the past, so i'm selective with who i follow/interact with and ask that only mutuals send in memes, interact with starter calls, reply to opens, etc. i always make sure to read all about, rules, and guidelines pages before i follow someone, so it may take me a couple days or even a couple weeks to follow back depending on how busy i am. i ask that you at least softblock if you're breaking mutuals. i will also softblock if i'm breaking mutuals or removing a follow if i don't follow back, however that doesn't mean we can't revisit interacting in the future. if i genuinely do not want to interact going forward i will hardblock.

affiliates && mains. my approach to affiliates and mains is pretty much just people that i enjoy writing with because we know each other ooc and have plotted together, talked about our muses, dynamics, etc. this means i probably won't ever post a mains/affiliates call, because for me this develops naturally with muns i click with and am legit friends with ooc. if we already talk ooc and you want to be mains/affiliates then absolutely bug me in dms/on discord and i'm sure i'll be down to add you!

[hollowfaith]

3, 5, 9

WEIRDLY SPECIFIC BUT HELPFUL CHARACTER BUILDING QUESTIONS

3. How often do they show their genuine emotions to others versus just the audience knowing?

whatchu mean he's always genuine

i would say aury doesn't "hide" emotions as much as he "reserves judgment." he's very open about what he thinks and feels and will tell you to your face about it, but if he has some respect for you, he can rein those opinions in.

granted, sometimes even if he does respect you he doesn't see the need to spare you his thoughts so you get them anyways, for free!!

what he tends to hide are intentions, but there's very little reason to fake an emotion because he experiences most of them too mildly for it to be an issue. even when he's irritated/angry and trying to hold it in, the signs are pretty obvious that he's pissed.

so again, in this aspect he's actually very honest?? lolol

5. Can they cry on command? If so, what do they think about to make it happen?

no, but i imagine he'd be very handsome doing it.

he can fake cry to elicit pity from klaus, which he finds great fun. there are rarely any actual tears, though.

practically speaking, maybe the easiest way to make this happen is for aury to throw sand into his eyes on purpose.

9. Do they give tough love or gentle love most often? Which do they prefer to receive?

if he gives you "tough love" that's not love anymore, it's just mild hate hahaha

his "gentle love" (read: favored attention) is the kind of nudge and poke that leads you and guides you but never truly touches you; it embodies his role as an angel watching over lesser beings, supportive but also aloof.

on the flip side you can't tough love him that just makes him bitter and resistant. you have to coddle him like a brat and maybe flatter him to high heaven to make him happy but that also depends on whether he even likes you in the first place. if he scorns you then you're just going to end up wasting your time looking pathetic.

if your name is anghelescu ALIAS klaus avenue you can treat him however you'd like and he'll still think you're the best thing ever lucky you. aury's affection for klaus is also neither tough nor gentle, but something more insistent, demanding, and intense; it's possible that if it was anyone but klaus on the receiving end they might crack under the constant sense of pressure he emits.

[acespec-ed]

Oh boy okay I never tend to discuss/question about my own labels and such so this is my first time trying to voice out my feelings about this; I really need an opinion/advices on this! I've always been convinced that I was a 100% AroAce, more specifically ApothiAroAce or Idem/Apathetic toward these sorts of things. I've tried relationships multiple times in the past but realized I simply never felt that way toward others, and whenever someone would confess to me / show any romantic/sexual advances I'd become violently repulsed. Romance more specifically has been a source of genuine disgust for me...

Up until recently, everything changed with that one specific person, and I've been pretty much having an identity crisis over it. I'm 20 and I've never once felt romantic desires or feelings towards anyone, yet I had the balls to confess, and I'm genuinely the happiest person on earth now that we're dating. Romantic activities and affectionate gestures in general comes naturally, without the slightest discomfort. I had no idea I could ever feel these sorts of things toward anyone...

HOWEVER I am now deeply troubled and confused about my labels and identity as a whole. I still feel the same exact way about anyone else but that one single person. I'm sincerely in love with them and I'm fully committed... But I'm absolutely baffled and speechless, and a little anxious since being AroAce has been a big part of my identity for the longest time. I still feel like I belong on the spectrum for sure, but I'm puzzled as to what I could potentially identify as. This is the first time I ever loved someone beyond platonic means... 😓

Do you have any suggestions? Any thoughts that could be potentially helpful? I tried to read more into microlabels and I can't tell anymore. I'm truly at loss of words and thoughts on that one.

I can relate to this. I've been through similar but with sexual attraction, and it gave me major imposter syndrome. I'm glad it sounds like you're still confident you're on the spectrum!

It's rough and intense for sure, and the honeymoon period is real. Just try not to get too distracted to the point where you're abandoning friends. If you stay together long enough, there's a decent chance these intense feelings will wear off as you become more comfortable around each other. It's normal and nothing to worry about, as long as there's no major issues or conflict going on that can't be talked out.

As for labels, you could always call yourself gray aro or just arospec. For a more specific label, you could go with uniromantic, which means you've only been romantically attracted to one person in your whole life. Though if you're not confident that this'll be the only person you'll ever be romantically attracted to, you could go with arospike. It's when you rarely experience romantic attraction, but when you do, it's strong. You didn't mention sexual attraction at all, but if you're feeling that too, unisexual and acespike are the sexual equivalents.

It's easy to get caught up in finding that perfect label, but don't worry if you can't find it. It's valid to find one that's just "close enough" and go by it. You can even keep using aromantic/aroace as an umbrella term.

Regardless of what you decide to do, I wish you good luck with your relationship! 🧡💛🤍💙

[silverchangeling]

Tagged Tulmbr questionaire! From @thimbledoll and @hyacinthdoll1315

3 ships / First ever ship: Hahah wow is this a tumblr question. I don't actively ship characters, so I guess this is going to be three groupings I like:

Kanaya Maryam x Rose Lalonde (Homestuck): Classic homestuck lesbians. I like this one mostly out of my love for Kanaya. She's precious blorbo and I want good things her.

Angela x Roland x Gebura (Library of Ruina): Okay hear me out. I came up with this ship just right now and its *perfect*. So, normally, this would be the classic two troubled but somewhat functional people (Angela and Roland) working out their differences, growing together, seeing the world, etc while there's an extra deadbeat hanger on (Gebura) who's just there. However, this dynamic completely switches in bed or in tense scenarios- Angela and Gebura take charge while Roland sits to side or does whatever bottoming the situation demands. Its GENIUS I tell you.

Band Polycule (Bocchi the Rock): Why not cash in the incredible dynamics they all have? Bocchi and Ryo are clearly the moneymakers/moneyhavers in this polycule, and Kita and Nijika are the functional adult types. Like, maybe *officially* they're paired off in some way. But they all live in the same duplex, have one gigantic bed, and happen to sleep with each other.

Last song: Been listening to Sleep Talk Metropolis by Mili. Really like Mili, and a lot of their songs (including this one!) brings out genuine intense emotion in me.

Last movie: The Puss in Boots: Last Wish. In all fairness, I didn't finish it (flight movie) but I love how much heart and manic energy this one has. I love Dreamworks new "cartoony/anime-esque 3D" style. Currently reading: I've been meaning to read some anarchist theory, but I currently am not. Mousewife got a record of all SNES boxart, called Super Famicom: The Box Art Collection and I've been enjoying looking through that.

Currently watching: Been watching mousewife try her hand at Suika Game. Double Watermelon is real, and I believe its possible.

Currently consuming: I ate some toast! Later I am thinking about putting together a little rice bowl with brown rice, chicken. and veggies. Currently craving: That rice bowl I am now thinking about. I would also take ramen. Honestly, I would eat many things right now, but I can't because I am going to jog soon. I'm not gonna tag people- Had a really bad experience where I did Follow Friday on Twitter and accidentally tagged two people who hated each other. Stirred up some unnecessary drama, looked like an ass, and I generally avoid tagging strangers now.

[ankimodaisukiq]

Geki-Jin Tanbou Vol. 7: Jinya "From Defense to Forward"

Japanese (original; all credits to YU-TO):

INTRO

Hello everyone, this is YU-TO. It's hard to believe, but this "Geki-jin Tanbou" marks the seventh post. Every time I complete an article, I can't help but think, "Am I really surrounded by musicians of such high caliber?" It's a genuine feeling without any doubt or arrogance, and playing music with these musicians is something I take pride in. With a sense of gratitude, let's dive into the 7th edition of the Geki-jin Tanbou.

Our guest this time is Jinya, who plays in Undead Corporation and is also the guitarist for Unlucky Morpheus.

Since starting the Geki-jin Tanbou, Jinya is the first guest from a younger generation than myself. While Jinya and I don't have a "generation gap" per se, there is a noticeable age difference, enough to be perceived as "belonging to different generations" in general society. Interestingly, Jinya is the first musician younger than me I've played with since I seriously started my band. For someone who has played with musicians seven or more years older all along, this feels refreshing.

However, even as we played together, I always sensed that Jinya and I had taken completely different paths as players. Somewhere deep down, I always wanted to clearly understand that "difference." Additionally, Jinya's vigorous recent activities and success in the music scene are remarkable. I had a faint feeling that there was "a change" in him recently, and I wanted to explore that further. When I offered him the opportunity, the conclusion was, to put it bluntly, mind-blowing. While there were moments where I keenly felt the generation gap during our conversation, I also realized, "Ah, this is how musicians from younger generations grow," and simultaneously, I felt that it's only a matter of time before he becomes one of Japan's leading guitarists. You'll understand why I thought this way once you read the article. I hope you can grasp his words, thoughts, and growth, which often don't get much attention in the media. Without further ado, let's get started.

ENCOUNTER WITH CANON ROCK

In this intense interview, we've heard stories about various musicians picking up instruments during their early days, but among them, Jinya's experience stands out. No, the sense of "uniqueness" here is probably due to what is commonly referred to as a "generation gap." In contemporary times, there are likely more players who, like Jinya, spent their initial period similarly. The trigger for Jinya to start playing the guitar was his "admiration for a childhood friend."

"Back in elementary school, I wasn't interested in music at all, but when I was in the first year of middle school, a childhood friend started playing the guitar. He was already an object of admiration—good at sports, smart, and handsome. Seeing him play the guitar, I thought, 'Wow, that's cool,' and decided I wanted to be like that too, so I started playing the guitar."

Although he began playing the guitar due to admiration for a close friend, during this time, Jinya didn't have a specific artist he was devoted to.

"Of course, I didn't dislike music, but I wasn't that knowledgeable about popular music or anything. I really never thought of playing the guitar myself. After starting the guitar, my friend played Japanese rock, like BUMP OF CHICKEN, so that was probably the kind of music I started with. It wasn't a specific artist that influenced me."

At this point, Jinya picked up the guitar not out of a general love for music but from a simple desire to be like his close friend. The Japanese rock that he talks about was likely shaped by his friend's choices rather than being a significant influence that molded Jinya.

However, shortly after this, Jinya had an encounter that explosively increased his enthusiasm for the guitar.

"It was within a month of starting the guitar, I encountered a song that was crucial to me. It was a song called 'Canon Rock,' where a Taiwanese amateur guitarist posted a rock arrangement of Pachelbel's 'Canon' on YouTube. It was incredibly impactful, and I thought, 'I want to play this.'"

Jinya's mentioned 'Canon Rock,' and indeed, the video is still available on YouTube.

The video quality might show its age, but the play and arrangement are simply magnificent. Typically, what boosts one's motivation for playing an instrument is exposure to glamorous rock musicians appearing in the media. However, for Jinya, it was someone who could be described as a "remarkable amateur," posting a performance video on YouTube.

"At that time, I only knew the information about a person with the handle name JerryC from Taiwan. It was what we'd now call a 'cover video.' However, the arrangement was so shocking that the video was massively viewed at that time. So, there was some sort of unspoken understanding among the beginner guitarist community in Japan back then, like 'If you can play Canon Rock, you're a real player.' You know, the feeling of 'I want to become competent quickly' since I was bad (laughs). So, I practiced for a year and managed to play it through."

In contemporary times, not only rock musicians who compete with live performances but also musicians who actively utilize the online world, like those referred to as "YouTubers," inspire beginners. Even though YouTube might not have been as developed at that time, Jinya had already been using YouTube and the internet to gain various information and inspiration. Consequently, Jinya can be considered a player positioned at the beginning of what is known as the "Internet generation," utilizing the internet from the very start of his guitar journey. This use of the internet will contribute to Jinya's improvement in various directions.

GUITARIST NURTURED BY THE INTERNET

I had never perceived Jinya as a "live-raised player" before. Not in terms of technical issues, but more in an abstract sense, a perception I never conveyed or attempted to convey to him. This time, I shared this image I had with him.

Jinya: "That's absolutely right, haha. The first time I played in public was probably on the internet. Back then, blogs were popular, so I diligently kept a practice diary on my blog, saying things like 'I mastered this part today' or 'this part is challenging,' along with recordings. Looking into it now, I was already uploading recordings at home within a month of starting the guitar. It was terrible, haha. That was my first attempt at sharing with the outside world."

Hearing this, I was somewhat culturally shocked. When I started playing the drums for the first month, I never considered sharing it with anyone. It was still a world of just watching the internet, and I didn't know how to utilize it. At that time, Jinya not only used the term "sharing" but also engaged in a live-like use of the internet.

"There were people like 'blog buddies' back then. People gathered, wanting to learn 'Canon Rock,' and a community discussing various guitar topics formed around that. After a while, a service called 'Stickam,' similar to today's ZOOM, was introduced. We used it to practice guitar together. I spent every day immersed in that community, playing the guitar. So, people watched me play there every day. It was really encouraging, and you can't play embarrassingly when people are watching, right? (laughs) I think that's how I improved."

While video calls like ZOOM are widespread nowadays due to global circumstances, they weren't as prevalent during that time. Jinya's foresight in recognizing this early and actively participating in such a community within a few months of starting the guitar is remarkable. Even on the internet, showcasing your play, which is still in its early stages, requires a certain level of courage. Some young people might hesitate and miss out on leveraging the advantages of modern communication where anyone can share.

However, just as musicians of the past honed their skills through jam sessions, if you truly want to improve, you need to continually showcase your play to others, occasionally receive feedback on your shortcomings, and elevate your skills. While the internet can sometimes have negative effects on players, Jinya maximized its positive aspects and became an ideal player for the contemporary era, refining his skills.

Jinya firmly asserts his relationship with his guitar and the internet:

"If it weren't for the internet, I probably wouldn't have continued playing the guitar. Without the internet, I wouldn't have encountered Canon Rock, and I think my middle school days would have ended with just a bit of playing." 

Likely, those who can thrive in the future music scene are players like Jinya, who fully utilize the elements of their time. I believe his rapid improvement is a result of such considerations.

THE UNANTICIPATED "PATH OF MUSIC"

Jinya, utilizing the internet to gather information and captivated by various technical guitarists like Paul Gilbert and Steve Vai, gradually began performing live shows.

"In my third year of junior high, someone approached me at a music store while I was trying out a guitar, saying, 'You're good.' He was a bassist, and we became friends. The two of us started performing live. I programmed drums myself, and we played guitar instrumentals at a local venue in Utsunomiya. We covered some songs and had about half of our setlist with original compositions. From that time, I bought a multitrack recorder and started trying my hand at composing."

Performing with that unit occurred a few times a year. During this period, Jinya emphasizes that his main activities were still online.

"For me, 'performing in public' was definitely the internet's main battleground. I never really played live regularly at local venues as a band member. Besides, I lived in a rural area, so it was challenging to find band members. I wanted to play hard music, but there was no one interested in that. So, I thought, 'Why not play alone?' (laughs) I just practiced relentlessly, showcasing the results on the internet."

During this time, Jinya viewed the internet not as a tool to connect with external activities but as the main platform for his activities. He hadn't focused much on live performances.

"At that time, 'sharing music' for me was entirely on the internet. I didn't think of pursuing music as the next step after high school. I was already well-versed in using the internet to share music. While there's an idea that you need to play in a band and make it your life's focus to convey music, I realized in middle and high school that it wasn't necessary. You can share music just by playing the guitar at home, recording videos, and sharing them whenever you like. That was enough for me at the time."

Although this attitude might draw disapproval from some traditional "live performance-centric" veteran musicians (laughs), it is something that musicians of the current generation should indeed consider. Jinya, at that time, enjoyed playing live, and he wasn't entirely inactive outside the internet. However, at this point, committing his life to music and considering a future in the industry was entirely out of the question.

"I mean, isn't the path of music like a 'thorny path'? (laughs) I didn't have the courage to follow that thorny path. At that time, I thought entering a comfortable company, living a leisurely life without any highs or lows, was the best for me. Music can still be done even after becoming a working adult, right? I thought it was fine to play music when I wanted to at home, record videos, and share them. Of course, I loved music, but at that time, I thought I couldn't live as someone whose life revolves around music."

At that time, Jinya seemed somewhat indifferent, not harboring hopes for the future—just an ordinary young person living with the idea of "it's fine to live comfortably." However, his life and perspective on music gradually but distinctly transformed into something more "professional." A young musician who had mostly resolved his activities online began to envision the "live scene," growing into a genuine musician playing the guitar in front of thousands and thousands of people.

JOINING UNLUCKY MORPHEUS

Currently, Jinya's main activity revolves around Unlucky Morpheus, a band representing Japan in the melodic speed metal genre. Infused with grand orchestral arrangements and Fuki's outstanding vocals, they have gained many fans with their original and expressive compositions. Jinya joined Unlucky Morpheus during his high school years.

"Towards the end of my second year of high school, I received a message from Shiren asking, 'Want to play in our band?' At that time, I was supporting another group, and we had a joint performance with Unlucky Morpheus. Shiren had been watching me during that performance and seemed to like something about my playing. I had known about Unlucky Morpheus since around my first year of high school, so being approached by someone I admired was quite a feeling, like, 'Wow, I'm being approached by someone I look up to.'"

According to Jinya, Shiren had heard rumors of an impressive young guitarist even before the joint performance. Jinya, who had been diligently honing his skills through the internet more than anyone else, probably had considerable technical prowess even during high school. Thus, Jinya became a live member of Unlucky Morpheus, marking the beginning of more authentic musical activities beyond the internet.

"Now I could fully demonstrate the results of my practice. Well, until then, I had been playing alone on the internet (laughs). Although the venues weren't necessarily large, every live show was packed. Experiencing people watching my guitar in real-time, live, was something I couldn't easily achieve through internet activities alone. Of course, I had some live experience before, but it was during this time that I first felt how intense live houses could be. It was shocking because sweating while playing the guitar, as opposed to playing on the internet, was an experience I hadn't had before (laughs)."

At this time, Jinya discovered the enjoyment of live performances for the first time. It wasn't about comparing the merits of online and offline activities, but he realized the value of both. However, at this point, he still couldn't consider pursuing music as a career in the future.

"I had a few pleasant experiences like that, more like 'beginner's luck' in gambling. I thought, 'This is just a coincidence,' and it didn't really shake my feelings during high school."

While continuing his activities with Unlucky Morpheus, Jinya simultaneously pursued higher education with the intention of entering the workforce. It was during his university years that he began to undergo gradual changes in his feelings.

"From this time onwards, I started performing in larger venues, and my position gradually changed. Initially, I played backing guitar during live performances, but as my skills improved, my role within Unlucky Morpheus expanded. Around that time, not only with Unlucky Morpheus but also with Undead Corporation, I was invited to join. In other words, people started relying on me. During middle and high school, I was just sharing what I created, but now people were asking me to play guitar for them. That made me think, 'Maybe I can be useful to others.' If I can be helpful, I want to do it. That's when my feelings started to solidify little by little."

For Jinya, Unlucky Morpheus was the first platform that truly exposed him to the world of music outside the internet. Utilizing his information gathering skills honed online and applying the knowledge gained, Jinya quickly became a presence that "others couldn't ignore."

"I briefly considered job hunting, but, conversely, I couldn't adapt to that environment. I started feeling that I wanted to express myself more. I gradually thought that music might be the thing I could wholeheartedly devote myself to. It was a vague idea, but it turned out this way in the end. However, I think if I had continued playing guitar only on the internet during my university days, I wouldn't have developed these feelings. Having people who 'pick you up' is crucial, I believe."

The greatest benefit I gain from writing this in-depth exploration is the real, tangible experience of the transformative power of music in one's life. A young person who once thought, "It's good to live an easy life in the future," discovers the joy of being useful to others through music and chooses a life pursuing that. What else can we call this if not the "power of music"? Although nothing dramatically happened, slowly and steadily, music enhances a person's life, making it richer and better. I believe that this is the reason why music continues to exist in this world. Having experienced the power of music, Jinya's journey unfolds further, and an event awaits him, pushing him to become an "aggressive" guitarist.

FROM DEFENSE TO FORWARD

In 2017, Unlucky Morpheus experienced a significant change. Shiren, the leader and lead guitarist, developed tenosynovitis, requiring a period of rest for treatment. As a result, he could no longer perform lead guitar as before. To continue the band in this situation, Jinya had to take on the role of lead guitarist.

"I had played solos here and there before, but from then on, the proportion of my solo parts explosively increased. The situation was such that Shiren wasn't even playing the guitar in some songs."

Until then, Unlucky Morpheus had primarily positioned Shiren as the main guitarist, with Jinya in a supporting role. However, due to this incident, Jinya officially took on the role of lead guitarist for Unlucky Morpheus.

"Consciously, things definitely changed. In a negative sense, I used to think I should be a guitarist who played quietly in the background to support Shiren's lead guitar. It's a strange way to put it, but I also thought, 'It's better not to stand out too much.' Well, I didn't think about it that clearly, but there was some awareness like that. However, because of this incident, I had to shift from defense to forward and put myself in a position to score points. That's when I started to strongly feel, 'I am the guitarist for Unlucky Morpheus.'"

Certainly, Shiren's injury and recovery were setbacks for the band, but the option of stopping their activities was never considered by Unlucky Morpheus.

"Of course, it was a setback, but Shiren also wanted to turn his injury into a positive direction as much as possible. By putting me in the front at this timing, he aimed to strengthen the overall capability of Unlucky Morpheus. Even though it was a challenging situation, we continued the band, and in the end, it worked out well."

Despite facing such setbacks, Unlucky Morpheus continued its vigorous activities. It's not just Shiren's strong mental resilience, even with his significant injury, that kept the band going. Jinya's efforts and the change in his mindset also played a significant role.

"Well, I don't think there was a drastic change in technical aspects like memorizing songs or playing fast. However, mentally, things changed a lot. I feel like I have to have more confidence now. Until then, Shiren had reigned as the lead guitarist, so looking back now, I think I didn't feel much about my own confidence. But with Shiren, the shield, no longer there, I needed to stand at the forefront and fight like facing an enemy (laughs). Of course, it was like that before, but my consciousness of being seen as 'Unlucky Morpheus' guitarist, and the awareness that if I played poorly, it wouldn't be good for 'Unlucky Morpheus' became stronger. Naturally, I prepared for that and practiced, and both my guitar playing and behavior changed significantly due to that incident. The awareness of 'Jinya is Unlucky Morpheus' guitarist' emerged within me. Then, I thought I couldn't be complacent. It's a sensory thing, so I can't express it clearly, but I started feeling the consciousness of 'I need to be aggressive' and 'I need to set goals.'"

This incident became a turning point for Jinya, bringing significant growth and a change in consciousness. Facing challenges without breaking, overcoming them courageously, Jinya joined the ranks of top-notch musicians. His attitude, objectively assessing his position within the band and how others perceive him, is truly respectable, even though he is younger. Many musicians from the "internet generation" are often seen as emotionally fragile and tending to stay within their shells. However, the fact that there are musicians like Jinya, who learn various things both online and in live settings, can be perceived as a threat but also as an encouraging presence for our generation and the ones above. Jinya's growth will undoubtedly contribute to Unlucky Morpheus' further leaps in the future.

ACTIVITIES WITH "TOP-TIER" MUSICIANS

In addition to his band activities, Jinya simultaneously works as a support guitarist for various artists. Some venues, with nearly 10,000 attendees and around 50 songs to perform, not only demand technical expertise but also require mental resilience. How do these support activities influence Jinya?

"There's a term 'Shingitai,' right? Mind, technique, and body—if any of these is lacking, you can't fully showcase your performance in such situations. If it were just a few songs, I think you could manage with a bit lacking in the 'body' part as long as you had 'mind' and 'technique.' But when there are many songs, you need to be healthy and robust, especially performing in large venues introduces anxiety. So, how to keep your mind intact and play as usual—it's directly related to mental strength. It really felt incredible to coordinate all three seamlessly; otherwise, you can't deliver a decent performance."

It's obvious, but playing an instrument is not the sole job of a musician. There are cases where you need to memorize a vast number of songs, especially in a supporting role. Beyond showcasing your own play, you also need the skill of responding to the client's requirements. Jinya mentions that he has learned a lot by working with top-tier studio musicians in these settings.

"They perform regularly at places like Nippon Budokan or Seibu Dome, so, well, the level is just high (laughs). Their on-the-spot responsiveness, vitality, really, the Shingitai is on a different level. They kind of rewrote what I had thought of as 'human limits.' My perceived limits were quite low, and seeing them made me feel like 'Oh, human limits are much higher.' I realized that."

Even among professionals, the technical requirements differ significantly between band musicians and studio musicians. While band musicians need the skill of "how to produce oneself," studio musicians need the skill of "how to meet the demands." 

"For example, the ability to immediately shape an image when told 'I want it like this,' and also, their physical stamina is incredible. I think there's both the aspect of having incredible physical stamina itself and supplementing it with mental strength. It's the feel of people who have gained experience. "

Jinya was thrown into a completely different world of musicians, where he learned many things while being shaped by it. Although the work in these settings eventually went well, making him a continuously called-upon fixed member, Jinya's unique "research skills" played a supporting role.

"Initially, it was my first time going to such settings, so there were many things I didn't know... I didn't know even the common sense in those circles, but I just covered it up (laughs). Because I couldn't say 'I can't do it,' I kept covering and collecting things I didn't have. Gratefully, I was repeatedly called for the next job. Of course, they'd request confidently, 'You can do it, right?' So, even if I didn't know, I'd say, 'I can do it,' then desperately research and practice behind the scenes, buying any missing equipment, filling in the missing pieces. Especially the first time was clearly adversity, but humans grow the most when overcoming adversity, right? Just like muscles (laughs). The effort to overcome adversity seems to have resulted in a good outcome."

When faced with a request for something he lacked, Jinya's approach was to research and make it his own. It's not the absence of something that is the problem; it's crucial how one responds at that moment. This process of "filling in missing pieces" is a task Jinya himself is good at, and his insatiable curiosity is one of his distinctive features. As years of playing accumulate, there are times when I try to solve things only within the scope of what I already possess, refusing to gain new knowledge. However, occasionally, actions like Jinya's thorough effort to fill in what he lacks might be necessary. By doing so, one can, like him, turn encountered adversity into one's own flesh and blood, potentially raising one's own level by multiple degrees. Hearing Jinya's story, I couldn't help but think, "Well, of course, you'll grow." It seemed obvious and straightforward.

HANDLING HIS OWN "CHARM"

Jinya, who handles various support roles, often finds that the selection criteria for such jobs involve not only technical aspects but also the element of "good looks." In live performances where the majority of the audience is female, even as a support member, having members who appear attractive to the female audience can enhance the overall quality of the live show as simple "entertainment." Despite being of the same gender, I must say Jinya has a distinct charm in his looks.

His androgynous, well-defined features are makeup-friendly, and while not particularly tall, his slender physique accentuates his androgynous aura. Many musicians consider how to present themselves and tend to appear somewhat excessive in their appeal. However, Jinya doesn't give the impression of actively showcasing such appeal.

"Frankly, I had zero confidence in my looks since middle and high school... I wasn't popular, and I never thought my looks would be a selling point. So when I presented my music, I thought, 'Why not just film my hands playing without showing my face?' If you show only that, and if the performance is good, you can be appreciated for the technique you've cultivated. If you show your face, even if the performance is good, other evaluations come in like noise, or at least, that's how I felt back then. So, by showing only my hands, I felt a sense of relief that I could be appreciated for the techniques I've practiced."

As most people are aware, in music, the element of "looks" is inseparable. Statements like "You won't succeed unless you're handsome" or "Your appearance won't cut it" are unrelated to music but have affected many in their musical pursuits. Particularly in the age of the internet, which Jinya has been utilizing since he started playing the guitar, he was likely hypersensitive to such matters.

"What I wanted to do was music, not to be evaluated for my appearance. Some people would say it's good, but I didn't want to hear negative comments, and it felt like I shouldn't have to deal with that. I had no confidence to begin with, and I really disliked that kind of thing."

In the music industry, one is occasionally treated in an overly "entertainment" manner, and attractiveness in appearance is sometimes overly emphasized. The music Jinya has been immersed in is on a completely different level, where artists compete based on the goodness of music and technique.

"If my roots were in visual kei, I might have felt like, 'Let's sell my looks.' I could have done my own makeup, confidently saying, 'I look cool, right?' That's a good thing for a musician too. But I fundamentally had a different starting point... For example, Mr. Big, they look cool, but fundamentally, you watch them for their incredible musical skills, right? Maybe I leaned too much toward that part and became twisted, or so I think (laughs)."

This is a personal opinion, but I don't want Jinya to become the type of musician who relies on looks to compete. That's because, with his handsome face and an aura of charm, he chooses not to leverage his looks but competes solely with his musicianship, making it an integral part of who he is as a musician. However, as Jinya has aged and accumulated various experiences in recent years, he seems to have become more accepting of evaluations based on appearance that come from those around him.

"Well, now the circumstances are different, or rather... fundamentally, music is a kind of entertainment, and I don't think it's just about being appreciated and evaluated for playing an instrument. It encompasses everything like appearance, behavior, speech... I think all of that together creates the 'music' as entertainment. For example, even if someone makes amazing music, if that person is anti-social, they might not be appreciated, right? So, I've gradually come to realize that playing an instrument alone isn't entertainment. I've accepted that appearance is being appreciated, but (laughs) well, I don't feel bad about receiving praise. However, I do think, 'It hasn't been cultivated for over ten years for nothing,' though (bitter smile)."

Jinya's humility towards his own looks is genuine and not just a pose, as I felt from listening to his story. The character of being unaware or even having a complex about having an attractive appearance is a trait that, when you think about it, is very appealing and would be well-received by anyone in the worlds of manga or anime. Jinya does it sincerely, without any sarcasm—a charming presence indeed (laughs). 

THE DIGNITY ACQUIRED AS AN ARTIST

There was a collaboration between Undead Corporation and Hone Your Sense for the song "Face The Fate," and the music video was being shot. I met Jinya after a long time, and upon seeing him with a guitar, I felt a somewhat different atmosphere compared to before. This was the "change" that I had sensed in Jinya at the beginning. To put it simply, there was a certain "dignity" when he held the guitar.

It's a common point, but as mentioned in the previous chapter, mere good looks and the coolness as a musician are entirely different. While Jinya had the looks and techniques before, I had never felt that he possessed something as a musician. However, when I saw Jinya after a long time, there was undoubtedly an "aura" emanating from him.

Understanding how to showcase himself, exuding a certain calmness and charm, were things I had never felt from the previous Jinya. I played the drums while thinking, "Ah, he has changed after experiencing various things." Because it felt so natural to me, I ended up going home without saying anything on that particular day. However, upon further reflection, I realized I wanted to hear more about what Jinya himself thought.

"Well, um, I think it's a nuance of having grown through battles... There are scenes where you feel like, 'If I make a mistake here, it's over for my music career,' right? (laughs) Overcoming such strong pressures, I feel that I've gained more 'composure' compared to before. Well, it feels like I'm just a guy saying something (laughs), but if this 'composure' looks like an aura, that's fine, I guess (laughs)."

What I felt, a kind of aura from Jinya during the filming of the music video, is undoubtedly something that won't be acquired without accumulating experience on-site. While Jinya's main battlefield was the internet when he started playing the guitar, in recent years, he has experienced a lot, such as the tension-filled scenes where "mistakes are not allowed" and performing in venues with over 1,000 people.

Through such professional experiences and the effort he put into making his work his own, he naturally acquired an aura as a musician that is unique to him.

"Of course, you can't get things just by being defensive, and by turning to an offensive stance, you gain various things. I feel like I've had various experiences in this 'offense.' Compared to when there was nothing, I feel that it has given me a bit more confidence."

Certainly, having a defensive attitude is not a bad thing. The humility gained from such experiences and the ability to look around are essential qualities for a musician. However, there are times when one must firmly appeal to oneself and fight with an offensive attitude. After overcoming that battle, there is the acquisition of an aura as a musician that others cannot easily approach.

The understanding of "defense" acquired at the beginning of the band and the knowledge gained through recent experiences in "offense" are both becoming well-known to Jinya. He is on the path to becoming a truly formidable guitarist.

While retaining the atmosphere of "defense" from before, I am eager to see more of the "offensive" Jinya in the future.

WHAT WAS GAINED FROM THE ADVICE FROM SENIOR GUITARISTS

During the interview for the previous Geki-Jin Tanbou at STUDIO PRISONER, when I mentioned my plan to cover Jinya in the next one, Hiro from STUDIO PRISONER seemed to express that he, too, had noticed Jinya's growth. Since Unlucky Morpheus also records at STUDIO PRISONER, Hiro appears to have sensed a significant improvement in Jinya's approach to playing and his attitude towards sound in recent years through their collaboration. I asked Jinya about this development.

"Honestly, I think Hiro-san's influence is enormous. I used to do my own recordings, studying not only the sound I recorded but also sounds recorded by others. When I first heard Hiro-san's created sound, I was like, 'What is this?!' And apparently, he's doing it individually, not in a major studio. I was shocked, thinking, 'Can such an aggressive sound be created at the individual level?' Since then, I've always wanted to meet Hiro-san."

Before actually getting Hiro's recordings, it seems Jinya was already impressed by Hiro's sound. However, the advice received during the recording process and when Hiro watched his live performances has become a crucial element in shaping the current Jinya.

"I think the first time we met was during the recording of Undead Corporation's 'Flashback.' At that time, I was pretty much in 'safe mode.' While Hiro-san recorded my sound and came to my live performances, he often told me things like, 'Jin-kun, you can't fight with that.' I already liked and trusted Hiro-san's created sounds, so it was quite impactful to hear things that gave off the nuance of 'you can't fight like this' from someone I admired. That really changed my awareness. For example, he would say, 'You need to express gain more with your picking,' or 'Right now, Jin-kun, you're playing from your wrist, but it's better to play with your whole body.' I realized that until then, I had only been playing with my head and wrists."

As can be understood from the previous Geki-Jin feature, Hiro is a guitarist and engineer who maintains an "offensive" attitude in various aspects. His approach was entirely opposite to the Jinya of that time, and working or being associated with such a character was undoubtedly stimulating for the Jinya of that period.

"Actually, Hiro-san has been recording my guitar all the time, so he's constantly listening to my guitar objectively under the same conditions. Therefore, he can sense changes more sensitively than I can. He gives me various advice or, well, scoldings (laughs), saying, 'That's improved' or 'That's gotten worse.' So, that had a considerable impact. The fact that I adopted an 'offensive' attitude was significantly influenced by Hiro-san. Being strongly told off by a musician I respect has been significant in my experience. If I had been told off weakly, it might not have affected me as much (laughs), but he was quite firm, saying, 'That won't do.'"

As mentioned in the previous Geki-Jin feature, I conveyed that STUDIO PRISONER has contributed significantly to the growth of many musicians. Jinya, too, was one of the musicians who grew there. Digesting Hiro's strong advice and turning it into nourishment undoubtedly requires a certain level of curiosity and patience. While Jinya recalls being in a "safe mode" during that time, his attitude to not disregard Hiro's advice, to think earnestly, and to confront the challenges head-on is something I sense in his approach from that period. Even if he doesn't emphasize it entirely, despite his looks, Jinya has always had a somewhat masculine and principled side, which was evident from the beginning. Thinking about it, Jinya's growth seems to have started from that time, and in recent years, it has become visible and tangible through his active performances. Always absorbing something and striving to make it his own is one of Jinya's significant characteristics and an essential element that cannot be overlooked when discussing him.

THE VISION OF THE MUSICIAN FOR THE FUTURE

Jinya, who has shown remarkable activity and growth in recent years, is undoubtedly evolving. What kind of musician does he aspire to become in the future?

"It's not about whether I can play or not; when I watch my old performances, I feel there was something bland about them. But being able to recognize that means I've changed and evolved, so I want to feel that my current self is bland five or ten years from now."

Starting from the early days of independent expression using the internet, his guitar play, shaped through various live performances and interactions with people, has become more profound. With the aura derived from his innate charm and experiences, Jinya is aiming to become a truly unique guitarist. However, the ideal musician image he envisions is not about imposing his own charm or play onto others; instead, he wishes to be a musician who can contribute solidly to others.

"I want to be a reliable presence for people. There's a part of me that sees it as a reason for living. I want to contribute to the people who rely on me. And of course, there's the desire to meet the expectations of people who listen to the music I've been involved in. Overall, I want to be a man who's reliable to others, a musician with a firm core who seems like he won't collapse easily. That's what I aim for (laughs)."

The Jinya of high school, who once thought, "If I can live life safely, that would be good," is no longer present in his current self. The Jinya who challenges the unknown, makes something out of it, and ultimately contributes to others has become a different person from the Jinya of high school, even though I don't know that version of him.

"I did have a long period where I thought I wanted to live life safely. I think, as long as you think that way, you might stumble on even small steps, and I think I was that kind of person. That's why I aspire to be someone who is needed by others, looking up to those who aren't like that."

Being able to reflect on his past self and objectively consider his current way of life is already a sign of growth. Jinya is becoming a musician who is relied upon, and his considerations of the guitar and music are no longer a means to achieve selfish goals. Jinya takes music seriously, and the choice of "living life safely" no longer exists within him.

"As I've said many times, I was a safe personality, sticking to a do-nothing attitude, especially around high school. But music made me want to pursue something and earnestly try something different from others. It might sound like a big statement, but... I think if I could die feeling that I've used up all my energy and physical strength, that would be a happy life. Music seems to be a place that allows me to do that. If I entrust myself to music, I might be able to push my limits. I don't know where it will lead, but if I continue like this, I think I can reach the point of using all my abilities. Regardless of the result, if I can end my life having used up all my abilities, I'd be happy playing music in that way. That's what music is for me."

I'm looking forward to the day when I can play with Jinya again, but more than that, the greater anticipation is seeing how much he continues to grow. I sincerely believe that he will become a tougher player, leading the Japanese guitarist scene. Jinya has ample potential, and I hope he becomes an existence that surpasses me, providing significant inspiration to both myself and other musicians of our generation. I'm quite confident that this will happen in the near future. I'm looking forward to that time with great excitement.

AFTERWORD

I never expected this article to become so passionately charged. Being in a band involves unexpectedly hectic situations, and especially for someone like me, often not an original member of the band, deep conversations with all members are not as frequent as one might think. 

It was the first time I sat down with Jinya to talk about various things in a truly focused manner, and there were many things I came to know just now. His words and the strong will behind them are surprisingly powerful, to the extent that I can't help but think that the media should highlight more of his words in the future.

For someone like me, who doesn't have much interaction with musicians from younger generations, his presence is extremely valuable. Knowing that he's tackling many things I haven't experienced and hasn't achieved yet, despite being younger, has truly been stimulating.

The phrase "stimulating" might inherently carry a somewhat "frustrating" feeling for anyone. However, I didn't sense any such feelings from Jinya; rather, there was a genuine desire to cheer him on, to see him succeed. It became apparent that this came from the humility and sincerity evident in Jinya's words.

Even though he speaks of still being in the "understudy" phase and claims a lack of confidence in his looks despite his refined appearance, it genuinely seems like that's what he feels. I believe Jinya's innocence will significantly contribute to his ideal of becoming a "reliable presence." His purity could foster trust in others' hearts, making him someone who can be entrusted with various responsibilities.

I look forward to seeing what kind of presence he will become in the future music scene. However, there's still a part of me that feels like he's too perfect—good looks, great technique, excellent personality—it's almost like he's a character from a manga world (laughs). Moreover, he isn't "intentionally" humble; it's a genuine humility that he expresses, making him even more like a character from a popular manga (laughs). "Jinya" truly is such a musician.

July 6, 2020

YU-TO SUGANO

[actinidiafruit]

TW: tics, diagnosis, talking about myself.

Just to preface, I know I need to bring this up with my doctor (should've years ago).

I've dealt with what I've come to believe are tics for at least 6 years now-- 6 years is as much as I can remember dealing with them (I'm 20). I use the world 'believe' because I haven't been diagnosed, and I feel like my experience doesn't quite match up with others who have talked about it. I also have a very poor memory of my childhood, so I can't really provide any detailed knowledge about kid-me's symptoms.

ANYWAYS. But yeah. I've had the same facial tics (scrunching my nose, raising 1 or both brows, rolling my eyes and looking up to the left, flexing my jaw, blinking) off and on for at least 6 years. Potentially a sniffing tic as well, I genuinely don't notice it a lot of the time, though, but my family tells me I do it a lot. The tics get worse when I think about them or think about tics, get worse with stress, and become more frequent when I take my ADHD meds.

My tics are pretty mild. There are periods of days to a month where I don't notice them a lot. I'd say my most common state is about 2-3 an hour. Then there are other periods where I'll be ticcing nonstop for an hour or two a day (I also get super restless when this happens).

My problem is, when I've read online about various tic disorders, they all mention: 1. A premonitory urge, 2. Tics being uncontrollable (and sometimes not noticable to the ticcing person?), 3. People getting irritated with their own tics, 4. Tics being described as not feeling good. I don't fully relate to some of these-- or at least they don't read like my experience.

1. I do get a sort of "itch" feeling that goes away when the tic is performed. I'll typically tic until I feel better / feel right / the itch is gone (all are synonymous with each other). I have OCD, so the "just right" feeling throws up a red flag for me. Dealing with my OCD doesn't seem to affect them, however, so I don't know what to think.

2. I'd like to think I'm pretty aware of my tics. I don't find that most of them just occur without an itch that builds up in intensity over time. And even then, I can usually control whether to tic or not; it doesn't feel the best though, kinda like holding in a cough when you have a bad tickle.

3. I personally don't feel very impeded by my tics; this could be due to their mild nature though. I only really get irritated with them when I've been ticcing for an hour straight and my face becomes numb from it. I also feel embarassment when I get the urge to do the eye rolling and look up to the left ones. I don't want to come off as I'm being rude and rolling my eyes, but I can't help it. I find it way harder to stop my blinking / eye related tics.

4. My tics don't feel bad? Only if I'm having a bad day and have one of those "you're gonna tic for an hour nonstop" moments, I get really tired after those. I generally feel neutral towards them. The eye rolling one feels good to me (I'm extremely lucky that I usually don't have it a ton of times in a row-- it becomes painful if done more than 5 times).

But yeah. So I dunno whether to truly think I have tics, but it's the greatest thing I can come up with that fits my symptoms. I describe myself as "doing" them because I do have a level of control over them and it feels good to relieve that itch. Anyways, I'm absolutely gonna bring it up with my doctor next time I see them, though.

[semper-legens]

112. Maximum Security, by Robert Muchamore

Owned: No, library Page count: 277 My summary: Another mission for James Adams, and it's his most dangerous one yet. He's got no adult supervision, no backup, and no safety net. Just him and another agent, trying to bust out of Max with another prisoner so they can find that prisoner's criminal mother. But when the other CHERUB agent gets too badly injured, James finds himself all alone in a high-security prison... My rating: 3/5 My commentary:

More CHERUB! I still don't know how to feel about this series. Part of it I think is that it's just a bit too young for me. When I was reading this originally I must have been somewhere between the ages of six and eight - teenagers to me seemed impossibly old. Now I'm twenty-seven, and anyone under the age of twenty is basically a baby. As such, I think I remember it as being more complex than it actually is, which makes the slightly more simplistic storytelling stand out to me as strange. It's not that I'm not enjoying them. Far from it, it's a nostalgic little trip through stories I genuinely used to like. It's just that their flaws are a lot more glaring, these days.

Ah, James. You misogynistic little boy. James has gotten over his homophobia in between books - well, sort of. His attitude now is 'Kyle being gay is still gross, but so long as I don't see it, it's fine', which is I suppose better, if still not good. He's making up for it in the shittiness stakes, however, by cheating on his girlfriend! Yep, James has gotten with Kerry, she's off on a mission in Japan, and he starts fooling around with the daughter of someone they're hiding out with. Lauren sees him and tries to get him to stop, for Kerry's sake, but he doesn't. The narrative doesn't really treat him as being wrong? He experiences no consequences in this book, and it's almost played for laughs, as Kerry immediately accuses him of cheating on her when he returns…only to find that she's referring to an incident with Kyle before he left. Ha ha, hilarious, except James still treats women as property. Ew. And despite the whole 'ew Kyle is gay' thing, James doesn't appear to have a problem joining skinheads in prison? Granted, he has to do it for the mission, but he doesn't seem to have much of an issue there.

The mission itself ups the stakes a little bit more. Now James is in a maximum security prison in America, attempting to get close to the son of a criminal mastermind. Adult agents are monitoring him, but unlike earlier where he was posing as their foster child, he has little contact with them and cannot easily get help. He has an older agent, Dave, with him - but Dave is injured early on and has to be evacuated. Lauren, newly qualified, is also on this one. She's not in the prison, but is a contact on the outside and is joining them for the breakout. Because, oh yeah, the mission is to escape from prison with this kid, then see if they can locate his mother based on what he does and who he calls. It's intense, and there's a lot that could go wrong. The agents have intelligence that the mother is loyal to those who do her a good turn, but she's also experienced in covering her tracks and turns on James and Lauren, promising them a foster home but asking her men to kill them. Lauren almost dies, suffocated in a motel, but manages to take down her attacker and get help from the others. And before that, the trio are completely alone after the breakout. The American police can't call off or half-ass the manhunt for two missing prisoners, so until they get to safety they are liable to be re-arrested or even killed. It's a minor miracle that they make it!

The politics of this series continue to intrigue me. Other than the issues I've already noted with James' characterisation and how he gets away with being kind of terrible, there's also the undercurrent that children being used for spy work is, you know, fine. Again, it is an escapist fantasy for children, so it's not exactly meant to be realistic in that regard. But it disturbs me how much is justified to the CHERUB kids under the banner of 'catching the bad guys'. Every villain in this series so far has been shown as something of a monster. The terrorists from the first book, the drug lord in the second, now the criminal mastermind here. Oh, James feels sympathy for them - he's got that unique perspective of them being the parents of his friends. But the undercurrent is still that the government is justified in everything it does to try and bring them down. Which is a problem when we consider it in the context of justifying police brutality and the underhanded methods of undercover agents. Other kid-spy books of a similar reading age from around the time (I am thinking of Alex Rider) still had the guts to go into how messed up the concept of a child spy is.

Next, Australia's rocky history, as a girl finds herself an unwilling foster family, and a woman is sent far from home.

[sleepysigh]

On a Review of Men (2022) by Youtuber Acolytes of Horror

I just watched a video regarding some of the thematic and cinematographic choices in the film Men, which you can watch here. Spoilers for Men (2022) and warnings for gore, jump scares, abuse, misogyny, etc etc it's a horror movie called Men, you get it.

I thoroughly, thoroughly enjoyed the reviewer's expertise and reading of the film, especially through the lense of poetry.

However… There was a moment in the video I felt I had to respond to, regarding the string of intense and surreal images near the end of the film and the odd choices made by both the protagonist and antagonist(s). The Acolytes of Horror didn't understand why she seemed numb, slow, strangely compliant, strangely chill with all of it.

He didn't understand why we see a decaying deer, either. Some other things were thought provoking as well. So, I wrote mine down because I do my best thinking by writing, and I might as well share them.

The answer to your huge, central "why" is hiding on the tongue of every woman who has ever been in an abusive relationship. These feelings, especially in the cycle they're shown, are what women genuinely feel through their lives from men. It's very straightforward.

The weaponization of love by a man who cannot solve his own emotional problems without the service of an unwilling woman who once (and maybe still) loved/loves him is the first formative experience many women have with a romantic partner. The residual trauma and fear after he victimizes her in one of the worst ways a person can, this is carried in many of us.

The recognition of this impulse in men all around you, this subtle exertion of control, this unspoken threat driven by entitlement you can't understand, shapes your perception. They all might as well be the same predator if, despite carrying themselves differently and wearing different clothing, they all take the same actions -- they affect you, threaten you, challenge your safety in EXACTLY the same way.You play minesweeper and flag them and leave.

And then the fear. The ones who stare at you, who chase you, who don't want to LET you leave. They are naked and in nature, from nature, because they belong there; they are animalistic. Theirs is an ancient, devolved violence, not so different from a vestigial limb. Why the deer image? If you have been near a man in this state, you know they are like a deer with wasting disease: not yet dead but certainly no longer recognizably the same living creature. They may be violent, they may spread their poison to others, they may be harmless.

Have you ever interacted with or seen such a deer? They stumble jerkily from the woods sometimes and ram themselves into cars, sometimes they do it repeatedly until they die. They are deer, but they do not behave like any deer you have ever seen. Men infected with toxic masculinity, with such powerful entitlement over women that it drives them to justify violence and physical violation, they are the same thing to us, just this time it's our own species. She might as well have been stalked in the woods by a mountain lion, and it would have been naked too because it too would have seen no need for dignity or subterfuge. That's the whole point.

The rapid images towards the end that grow more and more surreal, in which she makes strange choices and allows herself to be hurt or endangered, well… Consider how you would react if you realized your lover had rabies, wanted to destroy you, but was pretending not to. What else would you doubt about your fundamental understanding of reality? Wouldn't you disbelieve, at least for a moment, searching for some other explanation, some solution, some alternative, something?

Have you ever sat at the foot of a bed while someone a foot taller with 50lbs of muscle more than you have who once lifted you weightless in their arms and promised to love you to their last breath shouts at the top of their lungs that you are a liar, a bitch, worthless, stupid, pathetic because you interrupted their video game time? Have you had someone give you a gift and then destroy it in front of you after judging that the thanks you gave were not effusive enough, telling you this wouldn't happen if you weren't so stuck up and ungrateful? Have you ever been chased by a wild carnivorous animal that has a key to your house, access to your bank account, and has spent the last two years subtly making your friends believe you are untrustworthy?

The confusion that slowly reduces fear to disgust, disappointment, paralysis, numbness, and lack of self-preservation is precisely, EXACTLY what it feels like to be abused by a man you trust. Especially a romantic partner you have been with for a long time and admired. The mewling entitlement, as you put it, makes some men behave so ridiculously that you stop feeling plain fear and begin to feel unreal. If it's a man you love, you don't just run like you would from a stranger. Why is he doing this? Is he sick? Did something happen? Why is he accusing me of something I didn't do? He said he liked to hear my opinions, but now he's calling me a nag. Why? Why? What happened? Did I do something?

It didn't used to be this way, so it must be possible to fix it. He loves me. He gave me gifts and made me happy in the past. We have plans for the future. I owe it to him to stay. I can do things I don't like if it will really make him happy. I can forgive him if he really didn't mean it. I can help him understand. I can help him come back to himself. He didn't mean to do all this. We're going to find out why this happened together and then we'll be a team again.

I don't think it's coincidental that her moment of no-self-preservation happens after he stuns her by forcing his seed into her mouth. The theft of her voice is only the first step in the attempted theft and ultimate destruction of her will, her self. The infectious entitlement doesn't make women behave the same way, but if they believe it even a little, it makes them compliant, doesn't it? It makes them try again with men who will hurt them, doesn't it? And it takes physical violence to bring her back to self-preservation, as it so often does for us, too.

And at last when she is frozen watching him, now that he has finally stopped pursuing for a moment and has something to show her, now that he seems weak and really in need of her… With the last of the goodwill she has, that little flame that women carry so well no matter how men try to drown it, she remains watching and learning. Even to this moment, in her heart of hearts, if she knew for absolute certain it would never happen again, that he had a good reason after all, that he was sorry, that he truly loved her, even to this moment she would forgive him. (Such is the magnificence of the curse placed on women as we are today, that this extraordinary gift is ours to offer, and yet men never seem to qualify.)

Now she, and you, find out your big why. Other men. Other men hurt him. Other men insulted him. Other men neglected him. Other men infected him with their entitlement. Other men told him he needed her and how to use her. Other men told him he was nothing if he couldn't capture and keep her. Other men told him she was polite and he could use that. Other men told him she was caring and he could use that. They told him she was alone. They told him try hunting in the woods. They told him it would still be enough, still make things right, if when she denied him for the final time, he made her believe she killed him herself.

And here he is sweating and grunting with the pain of what other men have done, and the pain of doing it to them, and he looks to her. All this could be avoided if she just capitulated. All this suffering, she could stop it, if only she would love him. Does she want him to keep killing himself because of her? Can't she see it's her fault? Can't she see she's responsible for cleaning up this mess and helping him feel better? Doesn't she want to just make everything okay?

But it's reminiscent of real birth in an insulting way. It's reminiscent of men who "help" do dishes by running the washer with the cups facing up and your favorite mug chipped to pieces in the lower rack. It's a fetid, pathetic imitation of what women are able to do, and it mocks their ability by comparing itself to them. All this misery swallowed by fathers and regurgitated into the mouths of boys, and instead of innocence and new life, instead of hope and potential, instead of something from almost nothing, all you can make is a dying predator? He wants her to help him through the process as if he is giving her the gift of life, but all he can breed is fear.

So she looks down with well-earned disgust and scoffs, not just because he's wrong. Not just because he's selfish, trying to avoid fixing his own problems by pawning them on her, but because she finally knows that he is so clueless he could never understand what he is or what he's doing even if she explained it. She finally cannot love him anymore. It wasn't a misunderstanding; he is simply disgusting, after all. The image of him beginning to strangle her with he hand she mangled protecting herself from him is such a powerful metaphor for the weaponization of guilt and how disgusting it really is.

He has been nursing the infection for a long time and didn't seek professional help. (As in real life, why pay a therapist when you can force your wife to work through it all with you and bear it all alone.) Just like the deer with wasting disease, the symptoms show, it is too late. The animal is already dead. All you can do is kill it mercifully.

Of course, you have to try and avoid getting its brains on anything when it dies, or that too will become noxious with infection. As poetic images go, I am reminded of the many manifestos of such infected men, preserved and circulated as they are in putrid cultural sinkholes where men still voluntarily use such material to infect themselves and others.

In that moment she does not see a man, she sees a carcass. She sees rot wearing the face of someone she loves, mindlessly pursuing her capture and destruction without any true logic behind it. Refusing to understand that only YOU can kill yourself. Only men can protect men from this. Socially, culturally, we can find many why's. We spend a great deal of talking about what is and is not a "why". But for her, in this moment, with this man she has cared for, she discovered the truth as it pertains to her: there is no why.

There is no why that has a single thing to do with her, personally. It's not something she did. It's not something she is. It's not a habit she has. It's not because she doesn't have sex as often, she put on a little weight, she cut her hair, she gets crabby doing dishes after work. He's rotten inside from something that came long, long before she was even born. He has been gone for a long time. There was never going to be anything she could do.

The disgust for this thing in front of you, the decaying shell of something pretending to be a person you loved, which will continue to do so even after you are gone, one way or another, is indescribable. The relief, the happiness to discover that you did not do this, the soaring freedom to refuse your love, is sublime.

Words are just another vector for infection, so the disease makes its victim tell her she did not give him enough love, not what she owes him, but she has seen how he got to be this way now. She knows the why of history. She knows there isn't a why that could fit between them on this couch, and it wasn't actually her job to uncover it, and she is not losing a loved one or a teammate or a future because the person she planned her future with is already gone and may have never existed.

James's terrible wounds, even his arm, are the product of the choice and beliefs of men. Who but men would make him think he could grab her that way and escape harm? They are part of something that has absolutely no idea who she is. It was just searching for a woman in order to manifest its next stage of symptoms. It seeks a woman because without at least one son, it cannot propagate. It seeks any woman for prestige, or comfort, or self-esteem from having one.

As much as the men could have been the same man over and over, she could have been any woman at all and it wouldn't have changed a thing. James didn't look like the Man to her. He fooled her that way. She didn't know to flag him and keep sweeping, that's all.

But now she knows. Now she knows the rules of the game, and more importantly, she knows that men for the most part DON'T. They don't know why they're doing what they're doing. They don't know they've been infected and are becoming lost inside the rot of toxic entitlement that has taken hold in their minds. They don't know she doesn't have to keep playing the same game. They never thought it necessary to know her at all.

When you've taken enough abuse and finally have a moment of clarity about your situation, especially if he leaves you and expects you to take an ego blow and come crawling back, you experience this moment of freeing joy. You can just log off. It never mattered what you did, and this isn't different. Everyone's gotten a game over in minesweeper, even SO close to winning. Hell, aren't there a lot of people who never win minesweeper and just decide to stop playing anyway?

You thought he changed. You thought you had to hold on as the chaos tried to separate you. You wondered if you had changed, whether you should change, whether he had changed you. Now you see that he has not changed at all, and there is no reason to think he will. He will still be the same mountain lion, stalking you on sight, pursuing you to capture and annihilate you. But you don't have to treat him like someone you love, or respect, or owe anything.

You remember suddenly that false premise you had: if he changed, we can change him back. You could change yourself back. You could be the woman who first met him, who didn't need a thing from him, who was living and breathing and worthy of serenity all the same.

You can disappear. You can escape. You don't have to date again, if you don't want to. You don't have to get married or move in with someone. You have friends who can drive you where you need to go to start playing an entirely different game. You can make every man who pursues you keep his distance as long as you like, and you can always, always get your freedom back when you need it.

This whole deal he has going on, this scream and crying and violence and threats of suicide and GUILT GUILT GUILT thing? It has nothing to do with you! The meaningless noises of a sick animal. And now that you can look back and see the trail of burned bridges and salted earth he's left behind, you're happy to let him enmesh himself in nature. Sick things in nature get better or they die, and either way they can't hurt you anymore as long as you keep away.

Let him go to his forest and stalk in circles, drooling aimlessly with no woman to pursue. Soon enough he will come to his senses, or he will starve. He might eventually lie down for good and feed the trees whose leaves you admired so serenely in the cloudy sunshine as a balm for your grief and confusion.

He never has to matter to you again. No man does. You were good, and you deserved none of it, and now you can leave it behind you. Nothing compares to the final moment when you reach up and slip the rope from your own neck, laughing bittersweetly to know you could have done it any time.

[nyeddleblog]

HEYYYY can you write a fic with tom hollands spiderman based off of everything had changed by taylor swift

⚠️SPOILERS AHEAD. DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN SPIDER-MAN: NO WAY HOME⚠️

Pairing: Tom!Peter Parker x Reader.

Warnings: Swearing, Short, Mild Cliff Hanger, NWH Spoilers, Post No Way Home.

You weren't fond of the constant feeling of something missing. As if the world around you had suddenly changed and nobody noticed. So you laid down on top of your couch's arm rest, in the new crappy place you were renting because the academic scholarship didn't pay for your living expenses, and thought.

"What did I forget? Why do I feel like this?"

But once the overwhelming exhaustion from so much studying took over you, your eyes closed and you sighed with relief, falling asleep.

It was a vivid dream; intense, filled with accurate reactions, and familiar scenarios... Almost as if it were a memory. And you came into realization... That boy.

You had seen him before, hadn't you?

He was the boy that had greeted Michelle in the cafeteria. He seemed odd but pretty cute, and it genuinely made you wonder about him...

And yes, you had thought he was handsome at the moment, but attractive enough to make you dream about him? That was new.

However, the sensation of missing something was over; and that meant he had something to do with it.

As the day went on, you couldn't take him out of your head, and from the point of view where you had seen him, you could only recognize half of his face.

You had never seen him before, and yet he felt so familiar; compliant smile, surprisingly gentle eyes, soft voice. You wished you could see him again, and you definitely wanted to get to know him better.

Then, taking a cookie from the box your roommate specifically told you not to touch, you chose to clear your head. Both of your best friends had left New York and you couldn't be lonelier than today.

Michelle texted you about something Ned had done just as you left your building entrance, and in the few seconds you had taken to look at the notifications, you bumped into someone.

This could have been enough to send you both to the ground, you were clumsy enough; but they had quickly contained the fall and... It was him.

How convenient.

"I'm sorry" you murmured, blushing "I should watch where I'm walking"

"Don't worry, it's nothing really" he answered, smiling with those same gentle eyes of the other day "But I do think you should apologize to your phone"

"What do you mean...?" You looked at your hand where your phone was lacking. In the ground, with the screen flickering, the cell appeared to be broken "Oh fuck"

"Sorry for that" he hummed; not amused but more to himself "I know a place where you could change the screen though, it's cheap..." He took out his phone, showing you the mild crack on it "I kinda have experience on breaking phones"

"That would be nice, I really can't afford a new one" Then again, you had to look at his face... He seemed so familiar "Lead the way"

Maybe trusting a stranger because you saw him in a dream wasn't the wisest decision, but then again, since you suddenly appeared to want to feel what you felt in the dream everything had changed.

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