#howtowearacrown
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I Want To Be A Monarch
Β Β
I don't know about you, but Anne Hathaway's pivotal role inΒ The Princess DiariesΒ really stirred something in me. It proved what I had always suspected: that Julie Andrews could pull up in a stretch limo, tell you you were the long-lost princess of a small nation-state, and teach you all about the joys of a hair straightening iron. I've been actively daydreaming about this since the film was released in 2001.Β
Apart from the obvious ones, there are a whole lot of interesting monarchs out there - who even knows which one I could be related to? So, in preparation for my time as Ruler, Protector, and Defender of the Faith of Somewhere, I've put together a few choice "How-To's" based on the wide range of Royalty still in power today...Β
1. Be a Catholic Bishop.Β The micro-state of Andorra, which is mooshed between France and Spain has belonged to the Diocese of Urgell since the Count of Urgell gave it to them in exchange for some land almost eleven hundred years ago. So these days, whoever happens to be the Bishop of Urgell get to be co-prince of Andorra with whoever the president of France is.Β Hmmm. It might be difficult for me to marry into this particular royal family. But the skiing is supposed to be fantastic in Andorra, so maybe it'll be worth the possible ex-communication and the (I'm assuming) mountain of paperwork.Β
2. Keep a stiff upper lip.Β Queen Elizabeth II has always had a sort of impenetrable calm about her that seems, above all else, incredibly British. She's flashed us that sort-of half-frozen smile though everything from the bombing of London during the Second World War to the dissolution of all of her children's marriages - the lady's tough. I think the toughest she's ever been was when she woke to find a stranger in her room with her. She just called Palace Security and chatted with the guy (who had taken it upon himself to sit on the edge of her bed while she slept!) until those guys with the really tall black Q-Tip hats came and took him away. Maybe I'm not made of royal stuff because if I ever found myself in that situation, I would have started crying hysterically while attempting to defend myself with the old headshots I store under my bed.Β
3. Go to college for "leading."Β His Majesty King Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa of Bahrain graduated from the United States Army Command and General Staff College in 1972 with a degree in "leadership." That sounds like a certificate you give the Student Playground Officer in 5th grade, not something a monarch should have in swirly cursive on his graduate degree (I really hope there were star stickers on it). Despite this, if I had known that "Leadership" was something I could have gone to school for, it would have definitely made my list of possible majors, probably below "Hotel Management" but definitely above "Drama: Theatrical Arts."Β
4. Belong to a super-cool "Order."Β Albert II of Belgium is 1, 291st knight in "The Order of The Golden Fleece." As far as I can tell, this is an organization that has fifty knights at any given time and has been around since 1430. The original purpose was for a bunch of the coolest people of the time to sit around, dazzle each other their latest feats of daring-do, and wear these very ornate necklaces that each sport a golden dead-sheep charm. I'm not sure it's much different now - I think everyone just shows up at meetings in business casual as opposed to a full suit of armor. I pretty much know what a Knight of The Order of The Golden Fleece feels like as I have a Sephora Insider Card. (Nifty. It feels pretty nifty.)Β
5. Be incredibly good-looking.Β I'm actually not talking about Prince William and Kate Middleton. Because while Kate does look like your impossibly beautiful friend from Duke who was also the star of the Lacrosse and Track & Field Teams, Prince William just looks so...British. So very, very British with the hair and the teeth. No, I'm talking about KingΒ Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck of BhutanΒ and his bride Jetsun Pima. Seriously, look at these two. They should be in a movie.Β
Go ahead, guys. Give Kate and William a run for their money. Just stand in that field and smolder.Β
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