#i DID have a protein bar today but the amount of carbs it had gave me a small anxiety attack

[cacacita]

relapsed again and im deep in. help

[miadifelice]

an origin story

Walking into Market Central, Pitt’s main dining hall, is kind of like descending into another realm — like the Underworld of Disney’s Hercules, where the Fields of Asphodel are actually a labyrinth of brown tables drowned in poor lighting, surrounded bad décor, and heaped with mediocre food. The smell of Market is unnameable yet distinct, and always thick with the undertones of something fried. Today was hardly any different, despite the Valentine’s Day holiday — there were a few paper heart decorations hung up and purportedly, there would be cake on the dessert table. But I hadn’t come to eat that evening. After telling the lady at the entrance that I’d come for the food waste audit, I headed back towards the garbage station, where a small gang of volunteers stood behind a tall cart stacked high with plates, cups, cutlery — and massive amounts of discarded food.

I was never a nature kind of girl. I like my indoor plumbing, my wi-fi. I’ve never been camping, most critters with more than four legs give me the heebie jeebies, and I’m a wimp when it comes to foul smells, so farms and I have never been on good terms. Despite that, I’ve always had a minor green thumb, thanks to my vegetarian mother. My family doesn’t kill bugs, doesn’t acknowledge roadkill during car rides, doesn’t talk about abused pets, even if the story has a happy ending. We recycle a lot, put solar panels on the roof of our new house, and drive a hybrid.

This low-level environmentalism was something I took for granted. It was simply the way we did things at my house. However, that started to change at the beginning of my sophomore year. My interest in interior design and art led me to Youtube videos about minimalism — which led me to videos about zero waste — which led to me to videos about veganism and the food industry and pollution and a multitude of other environmental issues. Suddenly I was devouring articles like “10 uses for castile soap” and “Couple lives in 200 square foot microhouse.” At the same time, I was taking Intro to Global Studies. One of the first things we discussed were commodity chains and consumption, how we in the Global North take things into our lives and discard them with a shocking sense of impunity. I’d always known climate change and pollution were a big deal, but I didn’t realize how major it was until that year — and how much consumption, our lifestyles, contributes to them in seemingly small ways.

In an effort to do something more involved than carrying around reusable cutlery and swearing off fast fashion, I signed up for the Food Recovery Heroes, an organization that takes leftover food from dining halls and delivers it to charities around Oakland. That showed me how much potential wasted food we had on our hands, but the psychological impact was slight because, after all, it had been recovered. No food was actually wasted on our watch. My understanding would change, though, after receiving a mass email from Nick Goodfellow, Sodexo’s sustainability coordinator at Pitt. He was asking for volunteers for the annual food waste audit. We would collect discarded food from Market and the Perch to measure how much and what kind of food waste we produced at Pitt.

I arrived at the trash station at the changing of the guard — a few volunteers were peeling off nylon gloves and untying aprons. Nick met me behind the tall cart stacked with plates, between the wall and the carousel which usually carried plates back into the kitchen. Clipboard in hand, he gave me my own apron and showed me where the gloves were, which I donned with some reluctance (I hate how sweaty they make your hands). He explained the process to me — dump the contents of the cups into the carousel, then separate the food into four different buckets: one for plant matter, one for carbs, and one for animal products, and one for “inedibles” (bones, rinds). When the buckets were full, we’d weigh them, empty the buckets into an even bigger receptacle, and keep going. I’d signed up for a meal time, so within a few minutes, the trash station was swamped.

Me and three other volunteers turned back and forth between the cart, the buckets, and the trash carousel, using our hands to scrape as much food as we could into their proper place. The smell and sensations were unappealing at first — room temperature meat, pasta, fries, Indian food, and soup do not a perfume make, and the feeling of slimy, gooey food made the nylon gloves even more uncomfortable — but I was surprised at how quickly I got used to it. However, I didn’t ever get used to seeing the plates that came in. Whole slices of cake untouched, stuffed burgers with a single bite taken out, bowls stacked high with stir fry or pasta. Many students didn’t realize why we were there, but a few did, and would stare at the cart for a moment, maybe glance at their own plate, sheepishly push it onto the cart, and whirl around as though if they moved fast enough, the food on their plate would disappear. By the end of my shift, the buckets were full. I’d seen people throw away food in dining halls plenty times before, but seeing it all in one place was a whole different experience.

Now I can’t look at a plate of food without thinking of the water it took to grow it — the labor that went into harvesting it — the energy it cost to transport it — the resources it took to manufacture it —the methane it will release when it decomposes in landfill — the people who go hungry while perfectly edible food goes to the trash. I’m far from a perfect environmentalist (I have a weakness for protein bars that I indulge in despite their single-use plastic packaging, and I’m hardly on the front lines protesting pipelines or pollution). However, I gained something important from my experiences sophomore year, especially the food waste audit: a sense of mindfulness. I am so much more cognizant of how all actions have consequences, how everything we take into our lives costs much more than we pay for it. When food waste has the third biggest impact of any environmental issue on carbon emissions (Hawken, Drawndown), mindful consumption is more vital than ever to the fate of our planet.

[ohmytheon]

title: Something Borrowed, Something Red

pairing: Bakugou/Ochako, Jirou/Momo, and basically whatever you want to infer

summary: Bakugou hates weddings and all the things that go with it and plans on never attending one ever again. So when two of his former classmates get engaged, it’s annoying as hell that all of his friends conspire against him and someone keeps…floating into his head whether he likes it or not.

– Chap 2: It’s hard to avoid bachelorette parties when your friends trick you. Even harder to not be an idiot when you chug a bunch of alcohol.

notes:  This is where things start to get messy. I swear I didn't mean for the Kirishima/Bakugou vibes, but what can you do? Also, writing jealous!Bakugou shouldn't make me laugh this much, but I'm a terrible person. Uraraka is just trying to have a good time and he's ready for someone to die. Shoot, it might be him at this point.

Chapter Two: Bachelorette Parties are for Idiots

The bachelorette party was where Bakugou fucked up. He wasn’t going to go -- a bachelorette party sounded about as fun as fighting barehanded and quirkless with a chainsaw -- and no one even asked him anyways. Jirou knew better than to ask him, so despite the fact that she was dumb enough to get married, she was somewhat smart. But then Kirishima and Sero kept bothering him about going out with them on a Friday night for once since he was always working or busy training and Bakugou caved. It would do good to blow off some steam. Bakugou didn’t burn the candle at both ends; he blew the candle up. One night off wouldn’t be terrible.

Or maybe it would be.

When he walked into the bar and saw a bunch of their other old classmates, most notably the girls, he quickly realized that it was Jirou’s bachelorette party. Bakugou was fucking livid and almost flipped out, rounding on them with clenched fists. “Are you shitting me?”

Kirishima held up his hands. “In our defense, we never said why we wanted to go out tonight.”

“I’m not doing this,” Bakugou said flatly, already making a move to push past them and leave. But then both of them got in his way and barred him from the door. “Move it!”

“No way,” Sero replied. Tape boy actually told him no! Bakugou was starting to see red.

“C’mon, dude,” Kirishima said, slinging an arm over Bakugou’s shoulder and pulling him close. “One drink. Then you can go sulk at home alone. I’ll even pay for it.”

Bakugou let out his old “tch” but didn’t argue any further. One drink wouldn’t kill him. Besides, he was already here. Might as well. From her spot in between Ashido and Tsuyu, Jirou raised her eyebrow and gave him a look that asked, What are you doing here?, so Bakugou scowled and jerked his head in the direction of the two grinning idiots trailing behind him. She nodded her head in understanding and gave him a somewhat apologetic if not amused look. She clearly wasn’t that sorry.

Neither was Kirishima, whose “one drink” turned into two drinks where a shot had to be dropped into a beer and chugged, just the kind of drink that gave the most punch. And when Kirishima dared him that he couldn’t possibly handle another so close in succession, Bakugou dug the money out of his pocket and threw it on the bar demanding for a two more, except instead of giving one to Kirishima, Bakugou slammed both back.

Kirishima pounded him on the back and let out a cheer, “Looks like someone came to rock!”

Bakugou wiped some of the beer foam off his mouth with the back of his hand. “Aren’t you going to tell me how manly that was?”

“As long as you don’t puke,” Kirishima quipped in a lower voice.

Bakugou growled, but said nothing. His stomach was rock solid. If he could handle half of the amount of spicy shit he ingested, he could handle this. Behind them, Sero let out whoop whoop! and everyone cheered. A flare of pride burst in Bakugou’s chest as he turned around and leaned back against the bar where he stayed for a while as the alcohol slowly began to burn its way through his system.

Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad, the alcohol told him. Have a few more. Maybe only light a few drinks on fire. Have some fun.

It was a terrible decision.

An hour later, Bakugou was sipping on a beer, realizing that even he had to slow down after effectively knocking back six drinks in less than seven minutes. Luckily he’d eaten two large meals today as he had to in order to make up for the carbs he burned, but he had to reign his ego in check before he overdid it. Kirishima’s warning sat in the back of his head like a timer.

It was at this time, of course, right when he was feeling pretty good about himself that Uraraka appeared, as if the crowd parted like the sea for her. Bakugou almost downed the rest of his beer, but caught himself last minute. What was wrong with him? So what if she was in a cute pink dress? So what if it made her equally pink cheeks and big brown eyes stand out even more?

Bakugou shook his head. Fucking alcohol. It got him good. Those drinks had been stronger than he’d expected. He had a feeling Kirishima had known exactly what he was doing. Cheeky bastard.

He forced the focus back in himself, which only meant that he zeroed in on Uraraka like a missle searching for its target. She was walking directly towards him, but she hadn’t noticed him, her head turned as she spoke with Ashido, who had rushed up to greet Uraraka upon her late arrival. She’d still been at the office when he’d left to go home and shower, her nose deep in a file and the thoughtful frown on her face even deeper.

And then, like in slow motion (but it was really the alcohol’s doing, making him feel hazy, fucking Kirishima), Uraraka turned her head and she spotted him, her eyes widening and turning bright as one of the flashing lights on the bar struck her. Even worse was the smile that spread across her face. It was fucking blinding. What the absolute shit? He just barely managed to catch himself from saying that out loud.

“I didn’t know you were coming!” Uraraka exclaimed, always the explosion of positivity. “You weren’t on the invite.”

“Our dear Bakugou won’t come to these kinds of things if he knows about them,” Kirishima pointed out.

Ashido snickered at Uraraka’s side. “I knew Kirishima and Sero would get you here somehow.” Of course she had been behind it. She and Kirishima had probably been plotting this whole time. “You can’t avoid this wedding!”

“I can,” Bakugou drawled, “and I will.”

Not deterred in the slightest, Ashido stuck a tongue out at him and then flounced away, practically glowing in the flashing lights of the club like a lava lamp. Her skin and eyes had a dizzying effect so that he had to look away if she moved too quickly. What had been in those drinks? He should’ve asked before acting like they were protein shakes.

“Well, I’m glad you came,” Uraraka said decisively. “You could use a break. You’re always working!”

“I want to get to the top unlike some people, Round Face,” Bakugou said as he leaned in close and sneered, not sure where the words had come from.

Back in the day, Uraraka might’ve shrank away from him or even turned red in the face, be it in anger or embarrassment. It was not that day anymore. Instead, she fixed him with a look that was both determined and frustratingly patient as she put her hands on her hips. “And some people are going to do that without being an ass.”

Bakugou narrowed his eyes at her, but she didn’t back down and he didn’t move either. Not until someone coughed beside them did they pull away from each other, as if they’d been physically torn apart. When she looked away from him, her face screwed up in minor consternation, he thought her cheeks might’ve been pinker, but that could’ve been the lights as well.

Taking another swig of his beer, Bakugou turned sideways to half-face the bar, but glanced at her out of the corner of his eyes. “Do you want a drink?”

Uraraka’s face whipped back to him. “What?”

“You heard me,” Bakugou snapped, feeling impatient and jittery. The beer was not helping.

“I mean…” Uraraka eyed him suspiciously, like maybe he was planning on pouring hot sauce in her drink or something when she wasn’t looking if he got her one. “Sure.” As she made to stand right behind him, Kirishima took a step to the side as he reached over to smack Sato in the back of the head and laugh. It gave her the room to squeeze next to Bakugou in a spot at the bar -- but not enough room so that she wasn’t pressed up against his side. She didn’t seem to notice. “I just wasn’t expecting it.”

“Whatever,” Bakugou grumbled. Because it was totally normal to buy a coworker a drink seconds after arguing them. He bought Kirishima drinks after arguing with him. “What do you want?”

Uraraka leaned forward to get a closer look at what was behind the bar and Bakugou made the mistake of looking over at her. His eyes travelled down the length of her body, all the way down her back to her ass and the one foot that she was holding up for balance. He thought about pointing out that if she activated her quirk she could see better, but she kept one foot on the ground.

“Maybe a glass of red wine?”

Bakugou snorted. “Fuck that. You’re playing catch up with the rest of us. It’s hardball or nothing.”

Uraraka made a face at him, but she didn’t look angry. It was more teasing. “Then you pick.”

It was the worst thing she could’ve said. An almost evil smirk slid onto his face. “Don’t come crawling back to me whining when you’re so fucked up that you can’t find your shoes or your purse.” The try me look on Uraraka’s face had him close to laughing, but he got the bartender’s attention and ordered her two drinks. She raised an eyebrow when the rather girly-looking concoctions were slid in front of her. “Top shelf -- only the best for you, Pink Cheeks.”

The look on her face wasn’t so daring now, a hint of hesitation in it, so her question, “What is it?” wasn’t all that unexpected. Bakugou just shrugged his shoulders in response. With much trepidation, she tasted the drink and then her eyes lit up again. “Oh! This is good. I like it.”

“Great,” Bakugou said, practically burning with anticipation. “Now stop sipping and start chugging.”

Uraraka glared at him, but then took a huge breath and just went for it. Honestly, the way she looked right now should be positively illegal and it was doing a horrible number of things for him as they stared each other down. She really should’ve looked away -- he should’ve looked away -- but they were both locked on.  Within fifteen seconds, the first drink was gone and she set it down with a hard slam. A slight wave of dizziness came over her for a second, like when she used too much of her quirk on herself, but then she picked up her second drink.

“Do I have to chug this one too?” she asked.

Bakugou shrugged his shoulders. “Do whatever you want. It’s your drink.”

The look of shock on her face was priceless. For a brief moment, he thought that she might actually throw the drink in his face, but then she lowered her lips to the straw and began to drink, much slower this time. There was a certain fire in her eyes that reminded him of the explosions in his hands, but she said nothing. Without saying another word, she turned around and headed in the direction of Jirou and the other girls, putting her back to him and out of her line of vision, but he didn’t look away until he felt a nudge in his side.

“You know,” Kirishima said, “it’s really not manly to take advantage of drunk girls.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Bakugou snapped, but Kirishima just laughed, pat him on the back, and then walked away to join the others as well. Bakugou folded his arms across his chest and glowered. Like he would take advantage of anyone like that. One) it was stupid; two) it wasn’t worth it; and three) he didn’t need to. Besides, he had a feeling Uraraka got feisty when she got too drunk. It would be just like her.

Unfortunately, as Bakugou learned later on, a drunk Uraraka also liked to dance. She was kind of mesmerizing. She was more graceful than she used to be, if only because she’d learned it while using her quirk on herself more and more. This wouldn’t have been a problem (and it wasn’t one to begin with) if she didn’t look so damn cute in that outfit. Okay, so maybe he had lied when he’d told Kirishima that she wasn’t. He could objectively admit that she was attractive without it meaning anything.

But apparently so could other people while meaning it and he really hadn’t thought this through. One second she was dancing with the girls and the next some guy out of left field was dancing all over her.

Bakugou’s laser-like focus clocked the guy like a plane locking on a target. He was older than them by a few years, but he looked like one of those dumb pretty boys. Uraraka could probably throw his ass to the moon and she really should have when the guy touched hers while they were dancing.

“Yo, earth to Bakugou!” a voice shouted right in his ear. If not for Kirishima’s fast reflexes and know-how of Bakugou’s fighting style (and maybe the alcohol in Bakugou’s system slowing his down), he would’ve been elbowed right in the face, but he was able to dodge the blow. “Are you okay? You look, uh, like you’re about to explode?”

“What!” Bakugou shouted right back. “No I’m not!”

Kirishima waved his hands in the air. “Hey, don’t yell at me! I’m just trying to figure out why you went from not pissed off to pure rage in like three seconds.”

“I have to take a piss,” Bakugou ground out before storming away from his designated spot in the bar.

He could’ve gone around the dance floor, like any normal person would, but instead he walked right through, shoving his way so brusquely that peopled stumbled back when he hit them with his swinging arms. He didn’t care. By the time he reached where Uraraka was, she was turning around -- was she talking to that guy? -- but she caught sight of him. There must have been something in his eyes because she stepped back without hesitation. The guy was not so fortunate. Bakugou shoved into his chest so forcefully to get through that the guy went flailing backwards on his ass and let out the most undignified squeal.

Knowing full well that Uraraka would probably berate him, Bakugou didn’t look back, but he thought he heard something that sounded like, “Wait--” and a faint brush of fingertips swiping at his arm, both of which he ignored. He kept on walking until he made it to the bathroom and then slammed the door so hard that everyone else that had been in line didn’t even bother fighting over him cutting.

Shit, he needed to get out of here. He hated shit like this. He hated feeling like this. It was why he didn’t drink often. He didn’t like the feeling of being clouded -- of being out of control. Because while everyone had always assumed that he was just a loose canon -- and yes, maybe he was at times -- Bakugou had learned very early on that a lot of his quirk depended on control or all hell would break loose.

All he could think about was that guy’s hands on her. How he’d gripped her hips and pulled her back into him and while she might have tensed up at first she had let him. The guy’s fingers had practically sank into her skin. And he didn’t care -- he didn’t give a shit -- but for a second, Bakugou had wondered what she would feel like against him and in his hands, if she was as soft as she looked, if he could feel the strength of her muscles under her skin, if she was as warm as he was. He’d hated it and felt like blowing something up.

But it wasn’t his fault, he reasoned, that he felt like this right now. It’s Uraraka’s. He didn’t know why though. That was just what the alcohol told brain.

It was time to leave -- or then he’d really be uninvited to a wedding that he wasn’t going to attend.

[type-a-nomad]

First REAL weekend in South Africa--  Sat Feb 17- Mon Feb19

Weekend

Feb 17 Today I went on a surfing day to the beach at Big Bay.  The beach faces the main city of Cape Town and you can see Table Mountain looming over the entire place.  The view is spectacular.  Basically, the premise of the surfing day was a collaboration between two NGOs in Cape Town dedicated to helping the kids in the townships get out of the townships through extracurricular activities.  One of them is SAVE Volunteers (my people) and the other is Wings, an organization started by one of the SAVE employees from Norway who raises money to buy surfboards and wetsuits for the kids here.  Surfing has a reputation of being kind of airhead-y or unambitious, something people who just want life to be easy and relaxing seek out.  The organizations I am working with prove that wrong on so many fronts.   The most critical, to me, is the water.  The ocean is so powerful and so healthy.  I might be the only one, though this is unlikely, but when I go into the water, I am entirely filled with energy and life and consciousness.  Further, physical activity is so important for mental wellbeing and it helps these kids channel energy and frustrations from the hardships they experience daily into something that isn't self detrimental (like joining a gang or being swept up in the alcoholism and drug addiction that plagues a good amount of their parents and family members).  Another critical part is the challenge.  There is a very tangible outline of success: getting up and surfing the wave.  Thus, surfing is saving these kids’ mental wellbeing.  Or at least aiding it.  It’s incredible to see how appreciative they are for everything.  They are so excited to be there and are having fun from the second they show up till the second they leave.   I went into the water for about 45 minutes.  The waves were enormous.  I have never experienced anything like it.  There were swells of 10 feet.  A lot of the volunteers didn't go out because they were so uncomfortable with the swell.  Apparently, the waves being this big is rare.  But, this is the first time I have surfed in a year and I was anxious to just try.  So, I forced myself into a wetsuit and decided to make myself uncomfortable because that’s why I'm here— I’m not about to live timidly even though a lot of my brain wants me to.  Carpe this fucking diem.  All that.   When I got out of the water, after being crushed by many waves and ignoring the cramping in my shoulders from paddling, I was starving and grabbed my German friend, Nicole, to go to a smoothie place right near the big beach.  When we got there, I noticed they had wraps so I got a breakfast wrap.  I know this is super boring.  Who cares what I’m eating? Right? Except it’s actually a big deal, because I only eat carbs for breakfast and lunch and my body is not used to only having a small amount of protein at dinner on good days.  I’m trying to go shopping more to supplement the fact that I just eat peanut butter toast to survive here because I’m so emotionally and physically exhausted all of the time from giving every piece of myself to the kids that making something more than that is basically impossible. When I got back, I had potato salad and meatballs out of the fridge that was apart of the dinner the night before.  It was yummy but also a second lunch at 4pm and, thus, I was not very hungry when dinner rolled around at 6pm.  I got my portion of pasta and put cling wrap to save my rations for the next day.  I ate the salad and then most of a chocolate bar that I bought and designated as my “emegency chocolate bar”.  I guess craving sugar constitutes an emergency for me.  

Feb 18

I woke up at 6:20 am today because I had a zipline tour that I booked.  It was an hour and a half there and the tour was at 9 so we were going to leave at 7 so we would be sure we wouldn't be late.  I was a bit loud getting ready because I was so exhausted.  Linda, my roommate who is 60-ish, from Canada, and now retired and living in Oaxaca, Mexico.  She’s super cool and even says “eh”.  It’s very exciting.  We are starting to get kind of close.  We even gossip sometimes.   Anyways, back to ziplining.  The way I got into this in the first place was because Natasha, a British girl who lives in my house and has been very outgoing and nice to me so far, was talking about wanting to do it with somebody and asked (out of semi-desperation because others didn't want to do it) me.  I’m still not in great physical condition.  I’ve had a really bad cough since I’ve gotten here and it is showing no signs of leaving anytime soon.  Please, Mr. Cough, you are overstaying your welcome.   Natasha and I called an uber at 7.  The guy pulled up and seemed nice enough, but I was worried that he was going to kick us out when he realized how far we were going.  Directly inland 90 minutes is basically to the middle of nowhere.  When he noticed the destination he did something very, very weird. He says “Is this a cash or card trip”, uber doesn't let you pay in cash so I found this very sketchy.  We told him it was a card trip, to which he said “ don't have any cash or cards, can you pay me in cash so I can get us all the way there”.  Obviously, I am feeling a little more than weirded out at that moment because of all the horror stories we have heard about transportation, safety, and being a woman in Cape Town.  However, we were stuck.  It’s 7am, we are already out of town, we have to be at this place before 9, and this guy is offering us to take us there, just being sketchy about it.  We allow him to pull over and cancel the trip.  The quote that uber originally gave us was 750 Rand for the way there (rand to dollars is around 11:1).  He says he’ll take 500 Rand for the whole thing.  For him, it’s not actually a discount because uber takes 75% anyways and he doesn't need to pay taxes.  For us, we save 250 rand.  It’s a win-win.   We spend another hour in the car.  The man driving the uber was named Gabriel and he had lived in Cape Town for 28 years.  He didn’t even put in directions to where we were going even though it was way outside of Cape Town.  Of course he gets lost.  I don’t get why people feel the need to prove how “local” they are by doing things like that.  Just use your map.  Jeez man.  We end up having to put the map into Natasha’s phone because there is basically no service where we were so her wifi hotspot is the closest thing to internet that we had.  We roll up to the nature reserve where we are going zip lining, finally, and there is a gatehouse where you need to check in before driving one more kilometer up the road to the actual headquarters/cafe of the zip lining company.  Natasha and I realized how far in the middle of nowhere we were, but we figured we could call an uber when we were finished and it would take maybe 30 minutes to get there.  The zipline company offers no transportation to or from the middle of nowhere, there is no public transportation anywhere close, and taxis in cape town are basically unusable because they're so sketchy and they will charge you crazy amounts because they know they might get away with it.  When we get out of the car, we are told almost immediately that we need to tell our uber driver to WAIT for four hours while we zipline because we will be unable to call one when we are done because we are in the middle of the middle of nowhere.  Great!!!! What a reasonable request.  The woman at the front desk phones the gatehouse and tells Gabriel to turn around and wait for us until we are done.  He is so sweet he says that he will and we don’t even need to pay him.  Just 500 Rand there and 500 Rand back.  So $50 per person round trip for over 3 hours of driving.  Not bad.   Ziplining was hard to describe.  It was so insane every time I’ve trie dot describe it, it sounds hyperbolic.  We were driven in a big jeep-truck thing about 20 minutes through the bumpiest road I’ve ever driven on.  Several times I actually thought we were going to tip over and fall down the cliff.  The entire thing was so full of adrenaline even the car ride felt wild.  We zip lined for four hours.  Besides walking to the first platform and hiking out of the canyon, there was literally no walking, just zip lining from mountain to mountain.  It was insane.  We were hundreds of feet up.  Each zipline was 500 feet or longer.  Below us was hundreds of feet and then a rocky canyon with waterfalls and rovers throughout it.  The drought isn’t as serious the farther you get out of CT so a lot of the vegetation was green and full.  There were trees and bushes and flowers and lizards.  It was beautiful.  The dirt is red and full of clay.  Everything seemed so saturated.  In our group it was me, Natasha, and a Dutch couple who were in CT for vacation.  They were very nice.  Every time we got to the next zipine (approximately every 10 or 15 minutes), we had to jump off ourselves.  I cannot describe the amount of self control it takes to willingly jump off of a platform above a canyon hundreds of feet in the air suspended by nothing but a wire.  We were flying at up to 40 miles an hour suspended hundreds of feet above the ground.  Calling it exhilarating feels like an understatement. When I got back to my hostel, I decided to rally and go to the beach before dinner.  I covered myself in sunscreen and walked down to the ocean with some girls who live in the same building as me named Sydney, Emilie, and Natasha (same Natasha).  It was really nice.  I’m reading a book called When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron and every paragraph makes me stop and think about my worldview.  It’s totally fantastic and spiritual without being annoying about it.  As I am writing this, it is Monday.  This morning was rough because I have very little food here besides bread and cereal and whatever is made for dinner.  I usually go for peanut butter toast but this morning there was no peanut butter so I just had bread and butter.  I thought i could make coffee with a lot of milk for protein and I heated up my milk but then we were out of instant coffee.  Thankfully, Coll showed up and handled it and got us new food.   Coll is actually superwoman.  It is a great injustice that I have not payed tribute to her or her daughter, Shannon, since I have been blogging about my experiences in Africa.  Shannon basically runs SAVE volunteers as far as I can see. She is the go-to manager.  She runs our lives.  From having enough food, to transport, to daily activities, it’s all her (and another manager Robyn who is equally great).  Shannon is Coll’s daughter.  Coll is around 65 years old and makes dinner for us every night Monday-Saturday.  She’s vegetarian and is very evangelical about it.  At least 3 days a week I have very long conversations with her about politics, gender identity, sexism, vegetarianism, and general humanity among other things. She’s brilliant without being self important or condescending towards younger generations, even though she totally could be.  Did I mention she cooks for over a hundred people every day? Yeah, pretty wild.  Today there was no peanut butter or instant coffee and when I told her, all of a sudden peanut butter and instant coffee appeared. Here, where food is not diverse and sometimes scarce, that is nothing short of a miracle.  So, yeah, the ladies who run this program are badass and fun in all of the right ways. 

Currently, I am having a lot of trouble deciding if I’m leaving South Africa.  If you are reading this and have advice, I need it.  Fill my ears.  I want to be on the beach and the project I thought I was going to go to next is in Turkey and it’s cold and not on the beach.  I know this sounds small and kind of self-indulgent and a priority only a teenager would have, but it’s actually a big deal for me.  My quality of life by the water changes a lot.  Having access to go to the beach, and swim, walk, etc. gives me so much energy.  I love the energy of towns near the beach and it makes me want to stay in Table View, South Africa because everything here is set up and I’m near the beach, even though I don’t particularly feel a strong need to do exactly this kind of volunteering for a whole extra month.  I have been looking for places in Central and South America because I would love to improve my Spanish, but almost all of those would be working at a hostel which I think would be fun and I could meet lots of people and work on my language skills, but my parents would see it as pretty meaningless and I don’t blame them.  It doesn't help other people, it would just be fun, new, casual, and something I probably an experience I would never have again.  If anyone knows of a permaculture farm on the beach somewhere where it is warm (besides Australia, I know there are tons there but I don’t want to ask for the money for that plane flight), please let me know.  I don’t want to take away from my experience here by looking everywhere for a new project, but I am also itching to go new places after this and only have clothes and supplies to be in warm weather, and the emotional disposition to be at the beach.  I don’t want to just sit around.  Meaningful work is, well, meaningful, but the environment in which I am doing that work is super important to me as well because I only get one Gap Year and it is going to be a while before I go to do something this eccentric and carefree again.  Harvard isn’t a beach vacation.  

Peace, Q

[the-day-patient]

The Day Programme - Day 1

With all the days I decided to give up smoking why did I pick today?!

I was fine all morning, somewhat excited to start the day Programme, but then midway through to the hospital the anxiety hit & I needed that cigarette.

At the hospital I sat nervously waiting to be called in, i just wanted to get in & get it started!

Once in it was straight to business, before i could even take my jacket i had my glucose checked & i was weighed. Numbers I am not too happy about but I am deciding to block them out. I am at my heaviest I have been in a while.

After my weigh-in i was taken to the 'Day Room'. The day room is a space where all of the patients come together, eat their snacks and have some therapy sessions in. Some patients were already in there when i entered.

My first thought was 'my god I'm the biggest person in here', as a person with an eating disorder naturally would think. We are too quick to compear ourself to others - even more so the ones with eating disorders (something that i personally need to work on) Feeling like the largest person in the room i felt 'unworthy' of being there & embarrassed some of the patients might of thought the same.

Im not sure if I mentioned on my previous post but on the Day Programme you are expected to eat the following -

A morning snack

Lunch

A afternoon snack

Each meal/snack consist of the following -

Morning snack from the programme (there are 4 different snack plans & I am on snack plan A) Either a yoghurt/custard/rice pudding/breakfast bar/oat bar/chocolate bar/X amount of biscuits/Crisps WITH a hot drink that has to include milk

Lunch from the hospital canteen - This has to include all 4; 1. Sandwich or hot meal, each HAS to include protein AND carbs. (Vegetables and salad are optional). 2. A drink, full fat or a hot drink with milk (no diet/low calorie drinks allowed and no engery drinks). 3. Fruit or a pack of crisps (no low calorie crisps or popcorn). 4. A yoghurt or I've cream (again no low fat or low calorie version - full fat only).

Afternoon snack - as morning snack

You are expected to have breakfast at home before coming to the hospital, and you are expected to have your dinner and pm snack also at home.

I was next shown the kitchen by one of the facilitators. I was asked to pick my 'morning snack'. 

I was showed the snack cupboard & that's when it hit me, what i was expected to do.

'I can't eat any of these, it's not normal to eat these sort of foods in the morning' I cried.

(feeling embarrassed that 5 minutes in i had already cried & to a facilitator that is most probably younger than me).

She then offered me a yoghurt, I looked in the fringe & saw a bio blueberry yoghurt ('thank god it wasn't a muller corner! This is safe for me to eat' i thought) , I felt relieved.

I was told i also needed to have a hot drink with my snack, ('no probs, black tea here I come'), but I was quickly told that I needed to have milk with it. I haven't drank milk with my tea for years & its something i've been struggling to do. But I didn't want to seem difficult, even more so after my cry, so I just dealt with it.

I saw sweetener sitting next to the regular sugar & thought 'well if it's there I must be allowed it' & popped it in my tea. But then I thought 'oh god am I going to get in trouble for that? Should I of had a normal sugar?' I checked with her & she was she 'wasn't sure', which confused & stressed me a lot to wether i was doing the 'right' thing or not.

I was given 15mins to have my snack & drink which was overwhelming as this would of normally taken me about 40mins/1hour.

Our morning activity was group mindfulness, set in the day room. It was relaxing but at the same time difficult to follow through for me as I have an attention span of a gold fish. But in the long run i can see & understand how mindfulness would be really helpful.

At noon we was off to lunch. It was simply difficult. It took me awhile to pick what I was going to eat & I ended pasting back & forth in the canteen, changing my mind at every moment, picking up food & then putting it back back. I ended up asking the facilitators a bunch of questions regarding the type & amount of food for guidance.

We was placed in groups while eating, which was supervised. I feel it went as smoothly for me as it could as I was placed with two lovely individuals I know (I don't think I would of done too well if I was placed with some of the others).

We was only given 1 hour in total from entering the canteen & choosing our meals to finishing eating our food... normally this would of taken me at least 2 hour to just eat the food. So by the end of it i was feeling extremely full & overloaded.

After lunch i was sent for bloods (Bloods are taken once a week).

I have deficiencies & other issues due to my history of eating disorders & I guess they want to keep their eye on it, which is fine with me.

Our afternoon therapy was music. I had a great time learning to play the ukulele, it was beyond random, but then again i've never done music therapy before! The most important part of it was that it took my mind off of my lunch & how full I was feeling, which was exactly what i needed.

The day ended with the afternoon snack (2 hour after lunch finished), I was still feeling really full from lunch & didn't think it was 'normal' to have a snack & make myself feel uncomfortably full, 'is this what people really do?' i thought. For my snack i had a small pot of custard, which was really nice because i love custard & its been so long since i have been able to eat it (i also see custard as a 'seasonal' food item (Christmas), so it was nice to have it 'out of season'). While i was making my hot drink i noticed the sweetener was removed from the kitchen, so i guess that answered the question of whether i was allowed sweetener or not.

Overall I felt really positive for my first day, it was manageable & I found the staff really helpful & kind.

What also helped was the lovely messages I had received from my partner & friends, all being very loving & supportive. That reinsurance from them really gave me the confidence & push I needed.

**If you are someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder and would like some help please visit your GP. Also visit BEAT’s website for help and advise (they are the UK's leading charity supporting those affected by eating disorders) https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk

[elevenhoursinfront-blog]

3rd June 2017

How the hell are we in our FIFTH month here already?! It feels like we left a month ago! It's so strange to think we're almost half way through... We're having the time of our lives which is the main thing so I'm going to be very sad when it's over. I just wish it wasn't so expensive to live here so we could do more travelling. Steve was up for work at 0600. He was absolutely knackered from yesterday's long shift but luckily someone offered him a lift to work. He's at the same place as yesterday and someone felt sorry for him - he was going to have to get up at 0530 to travel 2 hours on public transport. What a hero! Steve was working with Dan and I spent the day with Meg. We woke up around 1000 and met in the kitchen for breakfast. Megan had a litre of milk and the rest of the chocolate cake... I have no idea where she put it all, she's tiny! It was funny to watch though. Meg had to check out of her double room to change rooms again so all her stuff was packed up in the waiting area. She came up to my room with me so she could freshen up. I gave her my makeup remover and what not. We decided to get ready and go for a wonder. Megan met a girl in the hostel called Sarah from Canada. She's only 19 years old and her friend ditched her during their travels. Sarah's really shy and doesn't do well with big crowds of people. Megan felt sorry for her and told her to come along with us. We walked to Melbourne central, around a few shops. I needed a hand cream which I got from the Body Shop for $7 which was an absolute bargain. I also got some earrings because my silver ones are turning horrible. That was me done! Megan bought a new phone charger and a new pair of hoop earrings. Sarah got a green denim skirt. We walked back to the hostel to get some lunch. It was already 1500 by the time we got back. Megan made scrambled eggs on toast and I'm on my second week of shakes. I have 2 shakes for breakfast and lunch, then a high protein low carb dinner. I've not been hungry at all which is good because normally I'm hungry 24/7. The boys walked in at 1530. We were just leaving to go and see Sophie in the hospital. She had her surgery yesterday and had to stay in until Monday. She said she's ok though. Sarah went off for a nap but said she'll come out with us later tonight. We're going out out for Megs birthday. Meg and I bought Sophie a card, magazine and big bar of chocolate. The usual things you get someone in hospital. We got the tram to the St Vincent's hospital. The public and private ones were next to each other which was convenient. Sophie was in the private hospital. We walked in and asked for her room number. The lady said 4th floor, room 414 BUT not in this hospital, the other St Vincent's private hospital in East Melbourne... WHAT. Why would you name 2 private hospitals the same! We had to walk about 20 minutes to her actual hospital which was a right pain in the behind. We sat with Sophie for about an hour. She was doing fine which was nice to see. Her mum was out getting food and returning later on. We chatted for ages. Soph's dinner came which was amazing. She got 3 course meals which looked so appetising. She had lamb yesterday and Moroccan chicken today. I was jealous! She was due her tablets and dressing change so megs and I left. We got the tram home and chilled out for a bit before getting ready. Steve was fast asleep so I left him to nap until 1900. I had a 30 minute nap too. We both woke up and went downstairs for some dinner. We started to get ready at 2030. I put my makeup on with megs in the girls bathroom and Mel came up with a box of goon shortly after. Steve and Mel drank the goon, megs and I drank our vodka and Dan had cider. Sarah sat with us for prees but said she had a headache and couldn't go out. I think she was too nervous to go out with us which is a shame. We sat in Meg and Dans room playing drinking games until we realised it was 2320. We had 10 minutes to get to the club before our guest list became invalid. Luckily, it was just around the corner. Mel's friend Shannon came with us who brought her friend along, Gina. We had drank a fair bit before going into the club. Drinks were about $8/$9 each which wasn't bad. We were dancing and drinking until 0230. Megan got too drunk and had to be taken home so we all left together. Steve was really drunk too as he spent the entire night dancing away, moving his hips like Shakira. He ended up getting called the "white Usher". We walked home and everyone got fast food except me. Times like this when I wish I could eat what I want and not gain glorious amounts of weight. Steve had pizza with his friend Josh that he see outside the hostel. Dan, Meg and Mel had McDonald's. I put Steve to bed and I got into bed just gone 0300. Steve couldn't sleep straight away because the room was spinning. Mel text to say she was going to be sick so I sat on the toilet floor with her for until it came up, but it never did.

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Wednesday 8th March Appointment rambles/weekly goals

I swear these appointments always leave me utterly exhausted, coupled with Monday’s and I’m pretty sure that I could sleep for a week! Today was very challenging, but I suppose that is what they are meant to be, so if I wasn’t tired/drained it might call into question whether they were actually helping at all? I don’t know. Anyway, when I met E all that was going around my head was numbersnumbersnumbers, comparing options, balancing certain things out and therefore decisions were, let’s just say, not my forte...After a little bit of a chat we ended up in Pret where E supported me to make a decision that would go against anorexia and be productive/helpful. This was really helpful as when mum and I had ventured to Pret at the weekend, we had had to go elsewhere for a few reasons.

In the end I settled with the ‘Chakalaka Wrap’ (I do not do spice and this was a little too spicy for my liking but it was a nice change/I always eye-up most of their foods but never let myself try them and this did had some yummy flavours in it) with popcorn on the side (E challenged me to not get the ‘safe’ fruit). 

As ever, we talked through the past week/whats been good/whats not been so good, and then finally, the week ahead. After some reflection we decided that my main goal for this week needs to be solid consolidation of my meal plan. I didn’t really realise it but Anorexia has been a sneaky so and so and has been cutting corners/making excuses since my increase last week, meaning that I haven’t quite been making it to the meal plan we wrote last week. We have agreed that pushing it faster right now might not be the best idea as I need to make sure that I am following the plan before we push it any further because otherwise Anorexia will keep making excuses and holding control. 

Okay, so my goals for this week are:

General

Ripping up of the ‘rule book’ - she thinks it might be helpful to write down some of the ‘rules’ that anorexia makes me follow and try to challenge at least one a day. Then instead of making ‘new rules’ she thinks it might be good to come up with a ‘new philosophy’. 

Celebrate my achievements - BECAUSE I AM ALLOWED TO BE PROUD OF MY PROGRESS! And no it does not mean that I am ‘not allowed’ to struggle or that I should be ‘fine’/’fixed’/stop where I am. It’s okay to acknowledge the good things; it does not have to be so ‘black and white’/’all or nothing’.

A thought diary specific to morning snack (this is where anorexia has been most sneaky) so I am going to go over a sheet she gave me a few weeks ago and make sure to do some writing before MS each day.

Meal Plan

Consolidation of meal plan. (Keep it simple)

Morning snack needs to be at 11am and it is to be a cereal bar of (150calories) or a smaller cereal bar with some fruit.

Lunch main: buy thicker bread, challenge fillings so that the sandwich is higher in happy points (I agreed to try chicken/flora as a spread/using a flavour like sweet chilli or bbq to give more of a taste) 

Ask mum to help around dinner time (she has been ill this week so has not been around as much to help me) so that my main is at least a certain amount of calories with all the components that I need to be there.

Challenge: a ‘mixed’ meal - so something that does not have my veg/carb/protein all separated out on the plate (challenging this will break a lot of Anorexia’s ‘rules’ but as E kept reminding me, they are there to be broken...) her suggestion was stir fry one night this week.

Challenge: hoarded foods - I have these written down and we talked through a few to try out/add in during the next week because hell no we are not going to have another ‘Nature Valleys from New Zealand’ incident. 

And finally, trying to see my meal plan as MINIMUMS, not MAXIMUMS - she wants me to go above my meal plan in one place at least once over the next week and not compensate for it elsewhere...which feels impossible but yeah, we shall see.

Gosh, yes, writing this out has been tough and I have quite a bit to be focusing on but right now is crucial that I do these things. “If not now, when?” I honestly didn’t realise how much anorexia had sneaked in during the past week, so I definitely need to get on top of that, and, well, keep putting one foot in front of the other I suppose. Bring on the next week.

[gobigorgohome2016]

Small Changes, Big Results

A couple weeks ago I posted this on facebook:

and I really reflected on what I had said about eating more.  Was I not eating enough?  I had noticed lately in race photos that I have been looking particularly lean, but didn’t think much of it.  After all, that’s kind of what your body naturally does when you’re nearing your 30′s, you run 80 - 90 mpw, and don’t eat processed foods.  

Then, the following week, my body felt like it began to revolt.  Overall I was feeling kind of crappy and my cycle had been consistently abnormal (35+ days instead of predictably 28).  I decided to start tracking my nutrient and calorie intake to see whether there was an obvious issue with the way I was eating, using cronometer.  I was immediately surprised:  I had been consistently undereating by 500 - 800 calories per day, and this was even during a period without 20 milers or speed work.  I also realized my diet was extremely fat heavy.  While I don’t think that a fat heavy diet is necessarily a bad thing (especially because my fat all came from nuts, seeds, olive/coconut oil, and full fat dairy), my macronutrients were kind of skewed.  Fat and carbohydrates were almost equal, at 45ish%, and protein was getting drowned out in the process.  

I have been consciously trying to eat more carbs, and even though at the end of the day recently I haven’t felt particularly hungry, I have been eating an extra 300 - 500 calorie snack to make up for this deficit.  The result?  

This week was the best training week I have ever had in my life.  

Besides 4 x 1600 in 5:15, 5:13, 5:13, and 5:10 on Tuesday, today I ran a hilly 4 mi tempo at Eagle Creek in 21:50, with splits of 5:28, 5:36, 5:25, and 5:21.  NBD, just PR’d in both the 5k and 4 mile distances during a workout, two days after the best mile repeat workout of my life.  The tempo felt the way a tempo should:  tough, but in control.  

The food tracking for me is a lot of fun, because I really enjoy seeing the data.  For instance, I get a lot of vitamin B2 in my diet.  This was my vitamin count by 11 AM yesterday:

I tend to not get enough vitamin D or vitamin E naturally.  Also, since my nutritionist has access to my cronometer account, I am extra conscious of the “rules” she gave me:  always have a protein, carb, and fat at each meal, and diversify my diet as much as possible.  When I reach for my 3rd banana of the day, I think twice and go for a blood orange instead.  I am also realizing I need to cool it on the coconut products, since I have been eating something with coconut every single day, and I was borderline coconut sensitive when I took the MRT test last year.  

I do not recommend nutrient tracking for everyone, though.  Even for me, someone who has never had body image issues, the first few days of tracking were tough.  We are so ingrained to believe calories = bad, fat = bad, cholesterol = bad, etc. that I found myself a little bit overwhelmed when I saw those numbers rise.  However, a couple better-than-average workouts got me past that, and now I see this tool for what it is:  just another piece of data to help me run my best.  

That’s not the only change that I have made, though.  

I also made the decision a couple weeks ago to cut back on how much I work.  Right before Houston I overbooked myself and the half marathon suddenly became the most inconvenient part of my week because I had an eBook due at midnight.  Now, obviously I did this to myself.  Freelance work is hard because, like running, you get out of it what you put in.  Then, I did it again to myself the week before Bend, and was working 10 hours a day just so that I didn’t have to work too much in Oregon.  The day after the race I wound up waking up at 2 AM to finish writing before driving to Portland to catch my flight.  

The following week, I had a moment of “I have so much work to do, I’ll have to run less today so that I can get it all done.”  

NOPE.  

not the point.  So, I have cut back the amount that I am working to 2 - 4 hours per day.  Right now it’s a little bit scary because this month I am probably going to make half of what I normally do.  But, I have been working so much the past few months that I have developed a cushion to support myself through April.  The month of May is a big one in Speedway (with the Indy 500 and all), so I figured if I need to make up for lost money I can get a “seasonal” job at one of the bars down the street during May and make up for it.  I was a cocktail waitress in college, so it wouldn’t be that far out of my skill set.  

Cutting back on work has been great for my running.  For a while, I was waking up early, working until it was time to run, going for a run but feeling stressed about it, coming back home and working until my next run, and then working until it was time for bed.  I would go to bed stressed, and have a hard time sleeping because I knew how much I had to do the next day.  Now, I have time to sit and relax before and after workouts, and actually devote time to recovery activities and spend time with Dave.  I have been going to bed around 10:30 every night (as opposed to 12:30) and feeling so much better for it.  

Obviously, that leads to the third small change I have made:  more and better sleep.  The day that I ran my mile repeats, I slept 11 hours the night before, which definitely helps when you’re trying to run fast!

[weightloss18-blog1]

Trim Down Club System - 5 Foods to Never Eat to Get Ideal Body

New Post has been published on https://designweightloss.com/trim-down-club-system-5-foods-to-never-eat-to-get-ideal-body/

Trim Down Club System - 5 Foods to Never Eat to Get Ideal Body

Trim Down Club System – 5 Foods to Never Eat to Get Ideal Body Hey, thanks for coming over you're probably wondering which five foods you should never eat so come in and let's talk I was just making some coffee Are you surprised that I'm making coffee well coffee isn't one of the five foods You should never eat for some reason coffee and caffeine have gotten a bad reputation But the problem isn't coffee itself It's actually what you put inside of it now

Let me ask you a question This cup of coffee has a teaspoon of raw sugar which has about 15 calories and 4 grams of carbs This cup of coffee has a packet of artificial sweetener, which has zero carbs and zero calories So which one do you think is better for you the one with the raw sugar? artificial sweeteners confuse your body Expecting calories and when it doesn't get any it just creeps more calories which can lead to weight gain Raw sugar on the other hand doesn't confuse your body this way of course It's best to try to reduce the amount of sugar that you add to your food And if you cut down a little bit at a time You'll hardly even notice it in the long run your body will even thank you So what about those five foods you should never eat keep watching and you'll see them all warning if you struggle with your weight and want to lose stubborn belly fat, but can't seem to stick to any diet I strongly encourage you to watch this short presentation When you do you'll discover my secrets for fat loss Including learning about the five worst foods You can eat if you want to have any hope of eliminating those unwanted pounds and inches Foods I can almost guarantee you've eaten in this past week Hi, my name is dr Karen Shackleford, and in just a second I'm going to reveal the exact steps I took to drop over 70 pounds and a whopping 14 inches from my waist all with a few simple changes More importantly I'm going to show you how you can do the same what qualifies me to share this life-changing information with you Well it's simple even though I'm a medical doctor I battled my weight for 16 brutal years I was absolutely desperate to lose the fat that just kept piling on me no matter what I did after 16 years of failed diets I learned what I'm about to teach you Because when I stopped eating the foods, I'm going to tell you about today I shed 75 pounds about 25 or 30 pounds was belly fat And the rest was in all the usual other places my arms my rear and my thighs That was 12 years ago, and I haven't regained the weight I call that my not a diet because I wasn't hungry in fact I ate really good food and enjoyed my favorite treats I didn't count anything like calories or fat grams my skin cleared up I had more energy and I was nicer to myself and other people I Still eat this way because I love how it makes me feel

It's delicious, and it's nourishing which is not what we think of diets? So believe me when I say your struggles with weight are not your fault There's a lot of deliberate misinformation floating around on the internet about how to eat healthy and lose weight That's because the big food corporations make huge fortunes getting you to eat as much of their products as possible especially The foods I'm going to tell you about today Then the diet companies they own make small fortunes from selling you weight loss strategies They know don't work, otherwise They wouldn't make money How I learned about those foods is kind of Embarrassing when I began dieting I wanted to keep 10 extra pounds from turning into 20 So I decided to try one of those low-calorie Prepackaged food diets I lost the fat all right and as soon as I started eating real food again I gained all that fat back plus interest By the time I stopped yo-yo dieting I had rebounded my way all the way up to 205 pounds and I had paid about $20,000 for the privilege my last diet I was desperate was supposed to be a 30-day juice cleanse I was miserable my family was miserable the furniture had teeth marks in it and our pets were looking pretty Tasty on day eight I was driving by a very famous fast food restaurant And I could almost taste the french fries before I could stop myself I pulled into the parking lot and found myself standing in line at the counter Practically drooling when a thought popped into my head if I chew these fries just the fries no ketchup Just for the taste and spit them out those calories won't count it was the most completely Horrifying moment of my life I ended my juice cleanse right there on the spot with large fries a bacon double cheeseburger and a large strawberry milkshake Nothing had ever tasted so good as you might imagine I regained the weight so fast my head spun And I realized that it had gotten pretty bad Because after 16 years of dieting and hundreds of pounds of rebound weight gain and loss Topping out at 205 pounds

I knew just one thing if you ever need to gain weight Just diet works great every single time, but then something happened that totally changed my life one day at work my perfectly slender coworker and I were Chatting over lunch I remember it clearly I was sipping a diet shake, and she was eating a full plate of food Suddenly, and I'm still not sure what made me say this I asked her What's your secret? How can you eat so much great food and not blow up like a blimp she replied? I love to eat So I just make sure I eat the right foods and the right combinations at the right time I don't believe in dieting I blushed bright red look down at my diet shake and quickly change the subject at first I thought it can't be that easy she's got to have a super fast metabolism or workout for hours or just be a genetic freak But what she said got me thinking so for the next few days I took notes about exactly what she ate for breakfast and lunch then fixed it for myself the next day and Something incredible happened after a week I had to tighten the belt on my work pants

They were practically falling off Even better I realized I was a lot less grouchy and my skin was clearing up, too Once I broke the code on how food really affected my body I developed a simple insanely effective plan the very first thing I did was to stop eating these five foods that practically force us to become fat and Started eating what I now knew were the right foods and the right Combinations at the right time and I shed seventy five pounds and a lot less time than it took me to gain all of that Weight also it was much much much easier because within weeks I had more energy than I'd had in years and I had fewer and fewer aches and pains and the more the weight fell off me the better I felt I Went from being so heavy I was out of breath climbing stairs or walking around the block to learning to tango with my husband and hiking with our kids Pretty soon I was shopping for a whole new wardrobe in a size 6 I gave all my old clothes away knowing I would never wear them again I have to say that felt good Especially the day I walked into the lingerie store And I bought something that made both me and my husband smile Not long after that I achieved another goal Working with people who were stuck in the yo-yo cycle of dieting just like I had been After 12 years of helping people lose weight I know not eating these foods works for almost Everyone of course we gain and lose weight differently depending on whether we're male or female our age and activity Levels our genetics or even whether we've had children, but these five particular foods practically forced the human body to produce fat storing and appetite hormones some of us just get lucky and produce less of them and Many of us aren't that lucky Worse the damage these foods do to you doesn't end with your weight your waistline and your self-esteem These foods can also dramatically increase your risk of serious so you should avoid eating these five foods regardless of your physical condition and Not eating these foods will work for you Even if you only not eat a few of them You don't have to plunge into some kind of super perfect diet to begin seeing encouraging progress in a matter of days I have to be 100% honest and warn you everyone is different but I hear all the time from people who've dropped a few pounds or taken in their belts a whole and sometimes – That their skin is clearing up And they have more energy Because they're feeding their muscles and not their fat so eliminate any and all distractions and listen up you can take notes if you want because I Absolutely passionately believe in your right to have the body nature intended you to have trim Attractive healthy and energetic you probably have all the answers You need to lose your unwanted fat right in your own kitchen all you need to know is what eating healthy really is Because it's not what most people think it is it's not about diet health bars or eating berries Celery and carrots when you consume the right amount of carbs with the right amount of proteins the fat will burn off naturally It's that simple now I'm betting 3 of these 5 foods will shock you like they did me But let me start with the one that isn't a food It's actually a drink a drink You've been told over and over how healthy it is for you

It's concentrated orange juice Have you ever seen those commercials that tell you starting your day with a big glass of concentrated orange juice is really a good idea The truth is it's probably one of the worst things you can do to your body, and it's not just oh gee A palang grape can cause problems around the waistline you might be wondering How is this possible isn't fruit good for you? well I knew the problem wasn't the fruit so I discovered how fruits are concentrated into juice you see many companies remove the fiber and other nutritious elements out of the fruit during the Concentrating process the fiber in fruit normally reduces the spike in blood sugar with a fiber taken out you are essentially left with sugar water and When your blood sugar is too high it puts your body in fat storing mode Essentially telling your body to store anything you eat as fat blood sugar levels can affect your hormones causing Imbalances that can lead to weight gain most concentrated fruit juices have just as much or even more sugar than soda excess sugar in our diet is probably the number one thing to be careful of and it's not just Concentrated juice you have to worry about a lot of processed foods have excess sugar in them And it's disguised in scientific sounding names like high fructose corn syrup dextran Dextrose and fruit juice concentrate like I just mentioned the Food and Drug Administration has warned that there are over 50 different known poisons and toxic substances in the average American shopping cart These chemicals combined can cause hundreds of different diseases and can even be fatal in some cases Now the second fat storing food can also increase your weight, but it also has far more serious Health risks fat storing food number two is margarine margarine became popular in the mid twentieth century as a cheaper alternative to butter and In light of research linking saturated fat and heart disease a healthier one But is it actually healthier Margarine is made by adding hydrogen to corn or soybean oil to make it solid a process which creates trans fats it Turns out trans fats are way worse for your body than saturated fat Unlike saturated fat which your body can burn for energy Trans fats just clog your arteries with plaque They also increase your LDL or bad cholesterol while at the same time Wiping out your HDL or good cholesterol So it's a double whammy for your body But there's something even more sinister about the research that demonized saturated fat Historical documents were discovered recently that showed how in the 1960s the sugar industry paid? scientists to Downplay the link between sugar and heart disease and to promote saturated fat as the cause instead This bias research went on to influence the next five decades of nutritional advice and dietary Recommendations simply put fat was made out to be much more dangerous than it is while minimizing the risks of sugar We still see it all the time Fat is artificially removed from diet foods, which also removes a lot of the flavor so food companies add sugar instead fat free yogurt Snacks and other diet foods are loaded with sugar and sold as something that can help you lose weight But there's some of the most fattening things you can put in your body in the trimmed-down Club You'll learn that not all types of fat are bad for you You'll also get the tools to help you choose healthy alternatives to foods that contain trans fats and added sugar things like butter instead of margarine or low-fat yogurt instead of fat free you'll start eating foods that don't wreak havoc on your hormones your arteries or your blood sugar levels and Your body will thank you as it sheds inches and melts the extra pounds away You'll learn more about that in a minute Next let's get to fat storing food number Three which was quite a shock for me It's whole-wheat bread, and it's on this list for reasons you might not expect It's not because of the carbs low carb diets are all the rage right now But it's important to remember that our bodies need carbohydrates to function properly Eliminating carbs completely and eating foods high in fat and protein can lead to high cholesterol kidney problems osteoporosis or kidney stones It's not even because whole wheat bread contains gluten So many people who don't have celiac disease or a specific medical sensitivity to gluten have jumped onto the gluten-free bandwagon Thinking it will help them lose weight or reduce uncomfortable bloating or even that it will give them more energy And in pursuit of these wondrous health benefits people are lured in by gluten-free products that while containing no grain protein Do contain loads of other ingredients that do your body no favors? Did you know that corn starch and rice flour which are common gluten-free substitutes for flour? Contain more calories per gram than regular wheat flour that means when you make a sandwich with gluten-free bread the bread alone will contain more calories than your standard slice will and That adds up to a lot more weight at the end of the day So why is whole-wheat bread on this list of foods to never eat is it whole wheat bread healthier than white bread? Well, I hope you're sitting down because the truth may shock you But first let's back up a minute Did you know that your brains favored energy source is sugar yes sugar? Specifically glucose when your body digests carbohydrates They break it down into glucose in your blood The more nutritionally complex a food is the slower it breaks down into glucose that's what's known as having a lower glycemic index and Likewise the more processed of food is the faster it breaks down giving it a higher glycemic index Now here's the kicker researchers compared the glycemic index of white bread and whole-wheat bread Which also contains some refined flours and found that there was no significant difference between them

Let me repeat that There was no significant difference between them We've always been told that whole wheat bread is healthy, and it is if it's 100% whole grain Which has a much lower glycemic index But when bread is made with a mix of whole and refined flours It's a different story still food companies will label their products as being whole-wheat even when they're not 100% whole grain So that you think they're healthy and buy more of them, and that's why it's so important to know the truth which is this the more processed of food is the less healthy it is for your body and There's something else you should know that you can and eat the carbs you love and crave things like pasta and pizza and even biscuits and cake But how don't carbs make you gain weight? Yes, and no When you eat carbohydrates without balancing them with other foods like proteins You'll end up causing your blood sugar to spike which puts your body in fat storing mode But when you do eat carbs that are properly balanced by protein you'll help keep your blood sugar Level so that your body burns fat instead of storing it Imagine that eating carbs and burning fat at the same time This isn't a dream It's just science a study by Professor Katya Hutton from the University of Helsinki Looked at how much the body's blood sugar Rises when eating mashed potatoes compared to eating mashed potatoes when combined with protein fat and vegetables and What she found was that the combination of foods resulted in a 50% lower spike in blood sugar? Than eating mashed potatoes alone It's all about balancing the carbs you eat with proteins, but how do you achieve this balance? How are you supposed to know how to combine your foods in a way that keeps you in fat-burning mode? I'll show you in just a minute, but first Let me explain something else that feeds these cravings for comfort foods cortisol is a hormone produced by your adrenal glands in response to stressful situations and Makes you crave sweets and comfort foods But here's the thing too this hormone all stress is the same it doesn't know the difference between a life-threatening physical situation and a mentally stressful situation and When you feel mentally stressed your body is flooded with cortisol just as if you were an immediate physical danger in a physically stressful situation like being inside a building on fire the higher levels of cortisol are burned off by the Activity of running out of the building, that's what it's there for to give you that extra boost of energy But in mentally stressful situations like being under a tight deadline at work having financial or relationship problems or even being overweight Your body continues to produce cortisol to handle the stress And scientific studies have shown that high cortisol levels increase your appetite and cravings for sugar Which is why most of us deal with stress by reaching for these high carb comfort foods And then our bodies typically store this as belly fat, so the more stress the more weight gain especially around the belly Then I learned something else Something that went against everything I always believed to be true When you restrict yourself from eating for a long time your blood sugar drops and your body is convinced It's starving When your blood sugar levels drop it puts you in fat storing mode But by snacking in between meals throughout the day You can keep your blood sugar levels balanced and keep your body in the fat-burning zone all day long Your meals just have to be balanced with the right amounts of protein and carbs this way your blood sugar levels don't go too high and throw your hormones out of whack or Go too low and put you into starvation mode Now think about these first three foods for a second orange juice Margarine and whole wheat bread how many people probably have this every morning for breakfast Are you starting to see why can be so hard to lose weight? can you see how the choice is made available to you are sabotaging your weight-loss goals and this problem isn't just a physical one the Psychological factors can sometimes be even worse ask yourself if you've ever experienced any of these feelings It's hopeless I'm doing everything and the weight still won't come off

I'm never going to look as good as I did before go out I don't want to go out I really don't feel like doing anything Buy new clothes, what's the point nothing ever fits? When I hear these comments, I know the frustration But when you understand how eating certain foods can cause your hormones to go out of whack? You'll be able to make very simple changes to your eating and stop the endless cycle of dieting When hormones continue to be imbalanced it can cause unwanted effects like weight gain and it gets worse Because the more pounds you pack on the less adiponectin your body produces Adiponectin is your fat burning hormone the more body fat You have the less adiponectin your body produces, so it's another double whammy it can be a domino effect when your blood sugar goes to high or low it can cause a hormone imbalance and put your body into fat storing mode as You gain weight your body tends to produce less adiponectin your natural fat burner then add in the day-to-day Modern stress we all live with and the excess cortisol your body produces because of it, and you start seeing why weight loss can be so difficult But it doesn't have to be that way The trimmed-down club gives you tips like keeping your adiponectin at optimum levels to increase your weight loss For instance green tea has been shown to increase levels of adiponectin Aside from its fat burning power It's also a natural anti-inflammatory So it can also help ease the swelling sometimes associated with weight gain The trimmed-down Club has come to realize It's not the hormones But the choices in food made available to us that are contributing to these imbalances like I said earlier There's a lot of misinformation floating around and there's vital information That's being hidden from us that could allow all of us to be slender for life let me just take a moment to quickly tell you about the trimmed-down club before we wrap this up with the last two foods to avoid We are a group of health fitness and nutrition professionals who teach you how to swap out fat storing foods for healthy Fat burning foods things like butter instead of margarine and whole-grain bread instead of processed wheat? Simple tweaks like these will cause your body to burn fat Rather than store it because it keeps your blood sugar levels balanced and keeps your body in fat-burning mode all day We make this very easy for you to do with our Exclusive personal menu planner just choose your favorite foods from the personal menu planner And it instantly creates a weekly menu that will help you melt fat off your body Your personal menu planner gives you simple mouth-watering recipes Using your favorite foods to make hundreds of delicious Meals with just the right combination of proteins and carbs to turn on your body's fat burning furnace It's like having your own personal nutritionist Everything is immediately accessible online You can log-in whether you're at a friend's place visiting the family or from the comfort of your own home We'll show you how to speed up your weight loss because the precise combination of these meals Ensures you're eating the right kinds of food to maximize fat loss Without counting fat grams counting calories or starving yourself This is a family friendly program because when the rest of the family is eating chicken You can eat chicken when they're having dessert you can have dessert You don't have to fix something different Or eat a frozen or prepackaged meal because you're trying to lose weight my personal favorite are the breakfast tacos And I love cream cheese coco fudge cake for dessert These are just two of the many choices You'll find that make it easy for you to lose weight Everyone in the family can keep lean and healthy with our dietician approved meals to keep the fat off Because great food is your best ally in losing weight Every mouth-watering recipe is easy to fix even if you've never cooked before We'll also show you how to eat delicious snacks and between meals to keep your body out of starvation mode Which can cause your body to store food as fat so you never go hungry and? Since you're not depriving yourself of the foods you love you can stick with this plan and watch the flab disappear as your body naturally Redefines itself to your ideal body weight your body has a built in blueprint to be lean and healthy When you feed it the right food and the right combinations it Naturally melts off any excess weight and we show you how to turbocharge your results You'll be back into that favorite pair of old jeans before you know it Plus you have full access to the fat burning forum This is an extremely supportive and active community It's a friendly and fun forum where you can ask questions get support or just trade delicious fat-burning tips and tricks It's a very active community Where everyone is kind of going through the same thing to achieve? Spectacular results and help each other along the way as a private member You'll get exclusive access to new recipes like baked Parmesan garlic chicken Homemade ketchup and because we all love junk food Crispy zucchini chips are junk food that loves us back we test every recipe so you know it's tasty and easy to make and Helps you lose and feel great And we turned the best new scientific weight-loss Information into interesting articles full of tricks and simple tips so you can say goodbye to your fat To get your body in fat-burning mode all day every day we give you a QuickStart guide with a simple step-by-step Plan to get a jumpstart on being lean and healthy and with the trim down Club You don't have to break the bank to lose weight But first think for a minute How much would you pay for a weight loss program that actually worked and gave you the means to keep the weight off? $100 maybe that sounds a little steep, but $50 Surely, it's worth that much to experience the improved health and quality of life that you'll get with the trim down Club But we want everyone to be able to afford to discover the slim trim body hiding beneath the flab That's why we put our whole program online Not only Can you access all of the essential tools and resources from any computer or mobile device? It's also much more cost effective so we can pass the savings on to you So we don't charge nearly 50 dollars or even 20 We don't believe that losing weight and improving your health should cost a fortune, which is why today? We're going to make it practically free

I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out We want you to see for yourself just how powerful and effective the trim down Club method can be So right now, you can unlock the complete trim down club for a ludicrously low dollar ninety nine You'll get a full month of unlimited access to our entire library of fat burning recipes Our forum where you can get professional advice from our registered dieticians and of course all of our weight loss tools including our state-of-the-art personal menu planner all this for one dollar and 99 cents It's pocket change You may even have that much hiding between your sofa cushions It's completely crazy and in fact this deal probably is too Good to be true, and we'll end up taking it down very soon So you should take advantage of this opportunity while you can? Because pretty soon you'll get in the rhythm of these new healthy habits And you'll probably start seeing a difference in your mood your energy levels and the way your clothing fits that feeling alone is Priceless, but we want you to be able to keep it up and you can for just nine dollars and ninety cents a month I'm sure you'll agree that it's remarkably affordable and that way you can stay with the trim down club as long as you like You owe it to yourself to try the trim down club and see how you can lose the weight and keep it off Without giving up the foods you love and without breaking the bank and unlike other fat loss programs We offer a 100% money-back guarantee That's right You lose the weight, or you don't pay at the trim down club We're committed to provide you and your family with the very best educational fat loss products available, and we take that commitment very seriously We believe that if our program doesn't work for you You shouldn't have to pay for it That's why the trimmed-down Club is backed by our unprecedented money-back guarantee You can try it in your own home and prove to yourself that this program really works If you don't start losing weight if you're not well on your way to having the lean and healthy body you deserve You can cancel anytime and we'll give you a refund no questions asked There's no risk so you have nothing to lose the trim down Club guarantees You lose the weight, or you don't pay start using the foods you love to lose weight You really can eat your favorite foods and shrink your tummy when you know how much of them you can eat and the right? Combinations to eat them in but that's not all because when you join in the next few minutes You'll also receive four great gifts gift number one shopping the proper way We break down the myths and show you that Just because something says diet light or reduced fat on the package doesn't necessarily make it good for your body now You'll know if the food you buy is blood sugar safe Next you get the trimmed-down cookbook This is the heart and soul of creating that lean healthy body you want you'll eat Well all day every day and keep your body in fat-burning mode your body will start thanking you right away by Naturally melting away the excess fat This is an eating grape seeds and celery these are hearty wholesome meals your taste buds will love and your body craves Gift number three the perfect soup these are delicious soups and a truly nutritious source of food using the best fat-burning Ingredients that your body was starving for your body will literally sponge up these scrumptious soup recipes that leave you feeling satisfied gift number four Express meals for 14 days We know it's not always possible to cook a delicious fat-burning meal, so we've created a special menu for people on the go You'll get quick snacks and light meals that are perfect for your busy life You're no longer at the mercy of the fast food alternatives that pack on pounds quicker and are not good for you anyway So go ahead and click that button below to get started right now You'll not only see all the foods you should avoid you'll get a complete done-for-you program to help even out your blood sugar levels keep your hormones balanced and in check and Free yourself from unwanted and dangerous fat you're totally covered by our no risk money-back guarantee And you can keep the bonuses as our gift for giving it a try even if you cancel So click the button below when you're ready to start melting the fat away Now you may be very surprised that fat storing food number 4 is processed soy processed soy oil soy flour and soy protein are just a few of the ingredients hiding in products that big food companies Tell us that we should eat so we can lose weight and get healthy, but it's not true you've probably heard how healthy soy products whole wheat breads and fruit juices are especially since it says so somewhere on the package and If you're wondering how soy products can be bad for you It's simple it all comes down to processing many soy products are highly processed Which strips out important vitamins and minerals along with as much as 90% of the phytonutrients? The disease-fighting medicines found in foods when you eat highly processed foods you're eating some pretty empty calories Yes, they supply energy But not the nutrients your body needs to use that energy So your body produces ghrelin a hormone that growls you kind of like this little kitty feed me Ghrelin is your irresistible appetite hormone your body produces it when you're hungry or when you don't get the Nutrients you need and the more empty calories you eat the more ghrelin your body produces Feed me now Which is why you can go on a rampaging refrigerator raid an hour after a big fast-food meal One easy thing you can do to balance your ghrelin is to eat certain nutrient-dense foods instead of processed soy products celebrities who have to stay trim and healthy eat these foods So they don't have to diet you'll find out exactly what they are inside the trimmed-down Club bonus these foods boost your metabolism And when it comes to losing weight? Metabolism is the engine that turns fat into fuel for your body, so you can be healthy and attractive Your metabolism is also crucial for your kidney brain heart and liver to function properly So just avoiding processed food as much as possible can make a difference when you join the trimmed-down Club You'll get a complete list of great tasting foods like cinnamon and blueberries that will supercharge your fat-burning metabolism So if you're ready to turn your weight loss switch all the way on for just one dollar and 99 cents for your first month Click the button below now now the last food that you should stay away from tastes great at barbecues But it can really hurt your weight loss efforts and your health I'm talking about processed meat It's not just that processed meat tends to be high in fat the World Health Organization has warned that eating processed meat like hot dogs sausages ham or bacon on a daily basis can increase the risk of colorectal cancer by 18 percent and one particularly chilling study showed that those who ate 160 grams per day or the equivalent of three hot dogs increased their risk of dying early by 44% in Fact the global fight against cancer organization advises eating no more than 10 grams of processed meat a day or preferably Avoiding it completely and that the trimmed-down Club We agree, which is why it's on our list of five foods You should never eat The biggest problem with processed meat is the nitrates which are used to cure and preserve the meat and also add flavor and color Nitrates have actually been used as a preservative for thousands of years But the ones used in processed meat are chemically Manufactured and the manufacturing process causes carcinogens called nitrous a means to develop These cancer-causing chemicals are also formed when cooking at high temperatures such as when bacon and ham are prepared So what does this all mean no more hot dogs no more bacon not to worry just keep these do's and dont's in mind Do read your labels carefully and avoid high quantities of sodium and added chemicals? Do choose organic and uncured versions of your favorite meats? Don't go overboard even taking into account the above enjoy processed meat in moderation But nitrates aren't the only problem You know those black lines that appear on grilled or barbecued meat the cooking techniques that create those lines Also produce DNA altering chemicals that further increase your risk for cancer That's why the trimmed-down Club offers tips and tricks for how to cook so that you can enjoy the food you love without the added risk to your health Because staying healthy is the key to maximizing your Metabolism the more nutritious your food the better your body will function and the healthier your body the more efficiently it burns calories You can change your health your weight and your life Just by making better food choices and knowing when to eat how to eat as well as what not to eat The trimmed-down Club gives you a complete done-for-you easy to follow program to melt the fat away to get your entire family lean and healthy But like I said earlier

This isn't about just eating vegetables and granola These are delicious meals where we teach you to swap out unhealthy and fat foods for leaner choices that don't put you at risk Now you could try to go this alone But I would suggest you let the trim down club help you at least until you feel comfortable and know what you're doing when it comes to eating healthy if You know you're ready for a change and you want to burn the fat then join now for just 1 dollar and 99 cents and give it a try if You don't start losing the weight you want and getting your life back Then drop us a line and cancel your subscription We'll refund your money, and you'll never be charged again That's our guarantee Think about all the famous people you know that have coaches and mentors Oprah Winfrey and other media personalities have coaches Michael Jordan Kobe Bryant and top athletes have coaches movie stars have coaches and trainers Even Tony Robbins who is a self-help coach himself has a coach and a trainer the list goes on and on They don't try to go at it alone because they've already learned how quickly we can sabotage ourselves When trying to break bad habits to form new good habits They know that to overcome the obstacles in life you need to increase motivation Put in the extra effort and get that inspiration To dig deep within yourself to create the added incentive to stick it out and reach your goal that's kind of our mission offer people a really effective online coaching program that includes that added ingredient of Motivation to follow through so let's get started the trimmed-down Club is going to help you tap into that hardwired ability that resides within us all to be healthy and Energized this power within you to live a happier less toxic and more wholesome life Before we're done You will know that you are responsible for your well-being in other words the hands of fate are your very own You only need to learn how to use these? Proverbial hands to confidently Drive you down the path of true health and that's what we do for you by showing you what not to eat as Well as the how when and what you should eat? there are people who get exponentially worse with increasing health problems and wither away in pain with age and Others who grow exponentially better with more vigor and vitality as they get older the only difference is that the latter group Decided to activate the body's natural healing power and eliminate the toxicity in their lives So join us and start living a healthier and happier life many people see encouraging results in just the first two weeks The only real risk is if you don't do anything if deep down in your heart You know that you must succeed at any cost for you your family your career Your health and possibly even your life click the button below and let's get started

[strmyweather]

“Look at where we are / Look at where we started / ... That would be enough.”

(This is the fourth and final section of a multi-part post. If you’re interested, you can read about the back story, the tipping point, and the logistics here.)

I posted one of those ‘transformation’ posts on social media yesterday—not because I necessarily wanted to insta-brag (although the pride is real), but more because I needed to define an endpoint for myself. By putting it out there, by showing everyone what I’ve been up to, I gave myself the accountability to STOP, and to intentionally begin the reverse diet. Progress is so slow when you’re seeing it in your own mirror that it’s easy to get stuck in the purgatory of “well, I’ll just stick with it for one more week / until I lose one more pound / just until I get to X benchmark.” We humans are extremely adaptable, meaning we eventually get accustomed to just about anything; even a reflection that we initially feel pretty awesome about eventually becomes ‘the new normal’. It hit me yesterday that I have been in some kind of a caloric deficit for SIX ENTIRE MONTHS. I needed to take a step back, observe the (tremendous) magnitude of what has objectively been accomplished over the past 180 days—and then do the responsible thing and let my body and mind have a rest.

Accomplishments:

 -- Numbers: March 9, 2017: 173 lb (yikes) May 24, 2017: 156 lb at the start of RP Sept 2, 2017: 144 lb (!) for a total loss of 29 lb (which, by the way, is 16.8% of my starting bodyweight—whaaaaaaat?!?)

 -- I lost 3” off my waist, 4” off my hips, and dropped from a 36DD to a 34D (which some women might dislike, but personally, I’m absolutely thrilled).

 -- I am literally lighter than I was when I graduated from high school, yet also have significantly more muscle. The two little ‘folds’ in my mid-back have vanished, and I have defined deltoids for the first time ever. In the right light, I can see on myself why quads are called quads. And I’ve always loved my upper back, but now I’m positively obsessed with it; there are contours and ridges that I’ve never been able to see before.

 -- The biggest practical victory—more so than clothing size or reflection in the mirror—is that I’ve seen major CrossFit progress for the first time in years. I’ve always been a better barbell athlete, comparatively weaker in gymnastics skills; that skill set has now almost been flipped. When I started this journey, I had zero bodyweight pull-ups; now I can do sets of four unbroken strict pull-ups, three kipping chest-to-bar pull-ups, and nine proper toes-to-bar (no monkey swing!). I also got my first-ever handstand push-ups to a single abmat (25# plates, I’m coming for you!), and although I’ve admittedly lost a bit of raw strength, particularly off my squat, I’ve actually ADDED weight to my bench press.  Granted, I’ve been specifically working on these skills; they didn’t ‘just happen’ with weight loss—but physics also dictates that certain movements are just easier at a lighter bodyweight.

 -- Mentally, there is a certain freedom to be found within the RP headspace. You eat what you’re supposed to eat when you’re supposed to eat it, and that’s that. Food becomes ‘fuel’, rather than ‘fun’. One day last week, I was coming down with a cold and realized that (apart from the 8g of fat), a full pint of black cherry Halo Top was almost exactly the right post-workout macros. I decided that would feel really great on my sore throat, and that I’d have it the next morning after the gym. But then, when 8am rolled around, I didn’t have a sore throat anymore, and ended up with my usual Cheerios, egg whites, and salsa—just because that sounded a lot better than ice cream. TL;DR—knowing you CAN have just about anything you want makes it so that you don’t actually NEED anything you may want.

-- Bonus: I also accidentally met my longtime ‘capsule wardrobe’ goal of 100 clothing items, because LITERALLY 60% of my clothes are now too big. :)

This new body is both mesmerizing and, sometimes, a little odd. It’s not my first time being ‘leaner,’ but it IS my first time being this lean as a CrossFit athlete. I’ve never been down this particular road in terms of body composition changes—I literally don’t know how my adult body behaves at this size—and some of what has happened has been unexpected. For instance, I have a few more visible veins than I did before. There’s a new wrinkle in my belly when I’m sitting down. A particular contour of my trunk that I always thought was a fat roll has turned out to be, in actuality, defined by my hip bone (duuuuh—I swear I am a medical provider!). And I come from a long line of apple-shaped women, and as such, STILL do not have visible abs—yet can now clearly see my ribcage, which, in the right light, consistently startles me. And although I can’t SEE my abs, I can FEEL them—as in, when my fingers trace the topography, I can feel the sensitive separations of the six-pack—which is both fascinating and slightly nauseating.

Moving forward:

I’m back in a place where I’m eager to put the scale away and stop focusing on it—because, practically speaking, I really don’t need to care exactly what it says as long as I get to keep all my newfound gymnastics skills. Physically, I’ve definitely felt under-recovered for the past few weeks—not ‘injured’, but just a general sense that I’m pushing the envelope in terms of how much my body can take—and I’ll be happy to feel a bit more ‘consistently strong’. Especially on rest days when my carb intake is slashed, I’ve noticed some unusually low blood pressure (87/63) and resting heart rate (43), which corresponds to feeling a bit shaky and weak. Being back on the base plan will allow me to ‘rest’ for a little while—my weight should theoretically stay stable (after a couple pounds’ expected regain over the next 1-2 weeks), but over the next couple of months, I may still see a very slow positive shift in terms of lean mass to fat mass. In other words, I may find that even just the base plan allows me to get slightly stronger, while hopefully also maintaining the level of leanness and new gymnastics skills I’ve worked so hard to achieve. I’m well aware that I’ve lost a bit of raw strength throughout this prolonged process (it is extremely strange to look at my legs—my favorite body part for 30+ years—and now perceive them as ‘too small’!), and that there is likely to be a squat cycle in my future—and that a massing nutrition plan may well be a part of that (gulp)... but this right here, this 144 pounds, is a really good spot to sit and breathe for the moment.

I was texting with a Philly friend yesterday, and in hearing my own responses to her, I was finally able to put words to the core of why things had been so different this time. With previous nutritional approaches—whether Whole30, keto, intermittent fasting, or what-have-you—I was always just sort of ‘riding’ a plan until it stopped working. I’d see some small changes, and then that would be it. With RP, I’ve been forced to take the time to educate myself on the actual physiology of what I’m doing—because with such a complex plan, that’s just necessary, both for psychological reassurance as well as to understand how to make logical adaptations on the fly when circumstances call for it—and that broader understanding is precisely what now reassures me that just because this rewarding ‘phase’ is now over, that that is not the same thing as declaring that all POTENTIAL for progress is now gone. The same rules still apply. The intrinsic makeup of carbs and fat and protein isn’t changing. The same framework still holds true—will always still hold true—as far as how to manipulate them in order to see results. It’s simple math. More importantly, it’s science. This distinction between ‘progress’ and ‘potential’ is not a concept I’ve ever been able to see before.

Transitions are always scary, especially when they involve the end of a phase that’s yielded so many visible benefits. But there’s also a profound reassurance in knowing that this new knowledge will be there whenever I need it. This was merely one season of a lifelong cyclic journey. Pausing is not a ‘weakness’, and it also isn’t the same thing as declaring myself content to not ever progress any further. Resting, and maintaining, are in fact necessary parts of ultimately continuing to move forward with my goals.

And, practically speaking, hanging out at maintenance for a couple of months is going to be really nice. The RP base plan actually encourages 2-3 cheats per week—the prescribed numbers already account for that—and I am really looking forward to having a social life again. :) I also remember how wonderfully I was sleeping back at the beginning, when I first added the casein protein shake to my bedtime routine, and I’m hoping to recapture that. And certain packaged foods that have been languishing in the cabinet for the past few weeks (like RX bars and single-serving packets of nuts—because they haven’t been the right ‘ratio’ to be included in the most recent menu), can now be reintroduced, which will make certain aspects of meal prep easier, especially on workdays.

At this moment, sitting at my kitchen table, it feels extremely odd to NOT be hungry. Today is the first day of incrementally (slowly!) increasing the amount of fat I’m eating (this is how the reverse-diet works, to slowly bring the metabolism back up to speed over a period of weeks), and I’m alternating between fascination, relief, awe, and anxiety. I had creamer in my coffee (!) and two Brazil nuts with my regular “egg whites and veggies” breakfast this morning—two freakin’ Brazil nuts—and a whole three hours later, I am just starting to feel a little bit hungry. For the past few weeks (in the second phase of the cut, with minimal fat intake at all), the grace period without hunger has been more like 45 minutes. When I take a moment to truly think about it, it deeply amazes me, this symphony of quiet chemical processes constantly taking place in our bodies. On a molecular level, we are pretty incredible physical creations.

I’m a bit concerned about my ability to continue to slowly increase my intake in a controlled way, because I’m about to be plunged into a thoroughly uncontrolled environment—I leave on Friday to spend 17 days (!) in a language immersion program in Costa Rica. I’m obviously tremendously excited about this, but it does compound the nutritional anxiety just a bit! The Central American diet is notoriously carb-heavy—rice, beans, plantains, fruit juices, and so forth—and I’m going to be staying with host families, so I’m not going to have a ton of control over what I’m served. I’m just packing a bunch of nonperishable protein sources and crossing my fingers. At any rate, I’m definitely glad I stopped now, and didn’t carry the cut right up to the last minute before departure.

Once I’m back, general goals for the next couple of months are:  -- maintain the RP base plan—six ‘meals’ a day, including the two shakes,  -- loosely maintain weight somewhere in the 140s—right now this seems to be the sweet spot for performance—but keep the scale out of sight for the most part,  -- continue to work on ‘pulling’ and ‘pushing’ strength in the gym—short-term goals include confident ‘RXed’ handstand push-ups (meaning, with 25# plates) and consistent sets of 10 toes-to-bar, and  -- definitely pound some shrimp chilaquiles from Gonza at the first available opportunity. ;)

This post has used a lot of ‘words’ to explain something pretty straightforward, which is that the biggest takeaway from this whole process hasn’t been pounds or inches or even reps. Plain and simple, it’s empowerment. I haven’t been ‘dieting’; I’ve been eating for a purpose, working toward specific performance goals. And it feels pretty incredible to be on the back side of such a major journey and to have the sense that the potential is still limitless—to know that whatever my future fitness and body composition goals may be, that I will always possess the tools to wreak this kind of transformation if I so choose.

“We are all sculptors and painters, and our material is our own flesh and blood and bones.” –Henry David Thoreau