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#i actually don't know how to define a hobby lmao
demenior · 5 months
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questions I think would be fun to be asked: 12, 15, and/or 33 🫶
12. what’s some good advice you want to share?
Do it scared.
15. what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?
Somewhere where I don't want to spend my free time in my room. Also, Edmonton.
33. any hobbies?
god i wish. I pick up and drop hobbies on whims. I'll probably return to them at some point, but the list would include (I'm countng things I went and bought specific items to Do said "hobby" for or have a half-completed project for):
video games, embroidery, sewng (of my own clothes), painting, baking (bread and/or desserts), crocheting, digital art, making graphic novels, writing, podcasting, soccer, kyaking, playing dnd, guitar, beer tasting, ukulele, editing (for creative writing), wine tasting and manicures (ie gel polish).
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rotisserory · 5 months
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Reo Mikage is Actually Great BPD Representation- Some Thoughts
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So I had the extremely unfortunate experience of being exposed to Blue Lock (unfortunate because it's all my tiny pea brain can think about now), and while it is absolutely full of silly guys whose brains I want to pick, this little bugger really stood out to me. The second he came onto the screen, I KNEW I smelled the borderline on him. As I watched the series and read the manga, I noticed he is actually an incredibly well-written depiction of someone struggling with BPD. Reo is a super layered character and my favorite hobby is picking apart those layers and yapping incessantly about them, so here we are. I want to write this analysis for a few reasons:
1.) Too many people misunderstand Reo and categorize him as dramatic or childish without any elaboration and he deserves a proper character deep-dive. I think him being borderline explains a LOT of his reactions/choices throughout the story.
2.) Borderline representation is extremely important to me. I'm diagnosed borderline and have struggled with this disorder for around ten years now, so I get really excited when I spy BPD-coded characters (especially if they're likable people and not just ghoulish irredeemable villains or manic pixie dream girl characters). This disorder can be so isolating, especially when the majority of people will never even bother to research or understand it. I know that some people like to chalk Reo's emotional reactions up to him being a moody 17-year-old, but I think I have enough evidence to prove that this is undiagnosed BPD that's festering in his noggin. Not to mention, literally nobody else acts like this in the series. Reo is incredibly unique and distinct in the way he behaves through this narrative and I think it's way past the point of normal teenage angst. Regardless, believe what you want. He'll always be my borderline princess tho <3
3.) I have a master's degree in English and what good is that if I don't write long, painful, pointless essays on anime guys? Not that this is exceptionally well written, I just like to laugh at myself for getting a whole M.A and then this is the shit I publish online lmao
By the end of this, I hope I can shed some light on wtf is going on inside of Reo's silly little head. (I'm also obviously not a psychologist, don't use any of this to diagnose yourself pls I don't need the scandal)
If you want to read, buckle up, because this is gonna be a long one!
First, let me define BPD- It's a personality disorder characterized by a long-standing pattern of instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, and self-image. At its core, it is a disorder categorized by emotional dysregulation (the inability to regulate one's emotional responses) People with BPD feel everything EXTREMELY hard. That's important to keep in mind IMO, because while their reactions may seem dramatic or extreme, what they're feeling IS dramatic and extreme. Everything they're feeling is amplified, so their reactions are amplified. Obviously from the outside, people assume it's an overreaction since they can't see what's going on inside the borderline's head. When you sit down and dissect the thought process of someone like Reo, it becomes a lot easier to understand why they react the way that they do to certain situations.
(Also, I'm not going to reiterate more than once that an explanation is not an excuse to treat people poorly. I cannot read ANYTHING on BPD without hearing every 2 minutes how the disorder isn't an excuse to hurt other people. We get it!! I'm explaining it, not excusing it. This enter essay is an analysis of why someone acts the way they do, not whether or not it's excusable)
So then, what behaviors/signs does somebody need to exhibit to receive a borderline diagnosis? The 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD are as follows:
1. Fear of abandonment
2. Unstable or changing relationships
3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self
4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors
5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury
6. Varied or random mood swings
7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness
8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights
9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality
Someone would only need 5 of these to receive a proper diagnosis. Just with the main story and the spin-off manga that is currently released, I think I have enough evidence to argue that Reo has 8 out of 9 criteria for a BPD diagnosis. For the sake of organization, I’m gonna group some of those together though, indicated by a + symbol. I also want to define a few important terms before I start yapping, so that y'all without BPD can understand wtf I'm even talking about.
Favorite Person (fp) - This is someone who holds massive significance in a borderline's life. They emotionally depend on this person a lot and to a certain extent, their worldview almost revolves around them.
Splitting- the change in perception of someone or something caused by black-or-white thinking or dichotomous thinking. It is the devaluation of someone who was once idealized and vice versa.
Mirroring (aka: the chameleon effect)- the constant, unconscious change in one's identity or sense of self by imitating another person’s behaviors, characteristics, or traits. It is common in people who have a vacant or distorted self-image which is a general symptom of BPD.
Now, time for me to break down the most prominent moments where Reo showcases borderline behavior. As I mentioned, I'm going to try and organize this under each criteria point (with some being grouped together)
Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self:
Before I delve into Reo's relationships, I want to start with his baseline sense of identity. It’s established early on that Reo is a very bored, empty, unsatisfied person. Nothing excites him, nothing motivates him, and everything is handed to him. He’s frustrated because his parents notoriously try and buy his affection even though he doesn't want anything. For most of his life up until the narrative starts, he's wandering through life empty and frustrated. That is, until he finally sets his sights on soccer and decides to dedicate his life to winning the World Cup:
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The wording, 'proves my existence' is interesting here. I think this is the first instance Reo has felt alive. So far, the only notable thing about him has been his family and his money. He hasn't achieved anything exceptional for himself, but now he has that opportunity. With this goal, he can really build something up from nothing and make it his own. It's almost like he's clinging to this dream to prove that he has some purpose in his life other than being the family heir.
Now, this dream changes when he meets Nagi, of course. I'm not gonna focus too much on their relationship in this section, but I will mention that meeting Nagi shifted Reo's entire dream, and not for the better. Through the narrative, his dream went from:
Winning the World Cup
Winning the World Cup with Nagi
Proving to Nagi that leaving him behind was a mistake
Improving himself and becoming a good striker on his own
Being a tool for Nagi to become the best striker
Had Nagi not come in and ask for Reo to come back to him, I think Reo could have done a great job at establishing his own sense of identity without Nagi. But no matter how much he works on himself, with Nagi in the picture, he's never going to value himself more than Nagi. Reo lets Nagi cloud his identity to the point where Isagi calls him out and asks what he's even doing at Blue Lock in the first place, since he clearly can't survive on his own, he needs Nagi with him.
After dealing with the turmoil of being abandoned by Nagi, Reo goes through a few stages. He starts with wanting to become somebody worthy of being beside Nagi, somebody that Nagi would want to choose. Devoting himself to becoming stronger and more versatile, his end goal is to have Nagi realize he made a mistake by leaving him behind. After a few more matches, Reo starts to realize that he needs to grow and change and become a stronger, better version of himself for himself and not for other people.
He decides that the fight was all his fault to begin with, that he should have never forced Nagi to play soccer and now he is going to get back to what his dream was originally, combined with his new desire to be a stand-alone player (and person, for that matter). Reo accepts the mistakes that he made, admits that he shouldn't have forced his ideals onto Nagi, and resolves to become a better person for HIMSELF. That's excellent!
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Of course, Reo can't be happy for TOO long. Nagi comes out of the woodwork saying that he can't beat Isagi on his own and asks for Reo's help. Reo does stand up for himself a bit, saying that Nagi is being inconsiderate of his feelings and mentioning how long it took for him to recover from Nagi leaving. Now, the BPD trait here is how Reo not only forgives Nagi and is jumping on him and hugging him THE NEXT PAGE, but he also just disregards everything he said in this sequence. In a matter of two minutes, he no longer wants to be a player that can fight on his own or improve for himself, he wants to improve for Nagi. He starts ruminating again about how hurt he was when Nagi left, but now he's saying all of it wasn't so that he could get stronger individually, it was so that he could be reunited with Nagi again. Nagi asking for his help and saying that now they can play together again motivate Reo more than anything we've seen so far. (Nagi notoriously throws Reo little affection crumbs like this that Reo eats up, but I'm not trying focus on that) Now, Reo's alright with being a tool for Nagi's success again. Everything that happened was supposed to make him stronger so he could be a better partner to Nagi, right? Reo also says as the chapter ends, to please let him be a part of Nagi's dream until Nagi becomes the world's best striker. That's literally so sad!
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He's also immediately back to the 'our' 'we' 'us' talk as well. If he can master his chameleon style in order to keep Nagi above the rest of the players, he wont get left behind again. If he devotes his time and energy into being a solo striker like the rest of these guys, Reo knows that he wont be able to keep up. This was always supposed to be his role, right? Building Nagi up to his full potential! :*)
I also like the detail that Reo is back to hugging Nagi and holding him, but Nagi never really touches him back. I think Reo's love language is touch for sure, not that it's incredibly relevant, but I do think it shows that Reo is back to being 100% comfortable around Nagi as if their fight never happened. I hear a lot of fans asking how Reo could have forgiven Nagi so easily, and I say this with my entire chest, it's the BPD. The black-and-white thinking combined with Nagi being Reo's fp and the excruciating pain of being abandoned by him in the first place ?? Of course he's going to take him back. Also, I've seen people blame Reo for not saying no to Nagi when he asks for help and I have to say that is an absolutely insane take. How are we gonna look at a panel where Nagi asks for help and then blame Reo for helping him?? I'm not going to focus on it too much in this post but in my opinion, it is crazy how little accountability both the narrative + fans give Nagi. Reo is pegged as responsible for both of their downfalls and it's nuts tbh.
Currently in the story, I think Reo's identity is still centered around Nagi. It's really easy for borderlines to structure their entire lives and personalities around their favorite person, but I can only hope that these two keep having open and honest discussions with one another. Hopefully, Reo will eventually learn that he can exist without Nagi and that he's more than just 'his arms and legs'.
Unstable or Changing Relationships:
The most notable relationship in Reo's life is Nagi. They're both each other's first real friends, which already sets up a less-than-ideal dynamic. Nagi has no idea how to communicate and he has pretty weak emotional intelligence. On the other hand, Reo is great at communicating, but he isn't used to regulating his emotions. For a lot of borderlines, they can go a very long time without experiencing any symptoms when they don't have a favorite person. When you think about it, the bulk of the disorder is shown through those interactions with other people. If Reo has never had a real friend in his life, I don't think he'd be used to the emotional turmoil that comes with having a fp.
The minute Reo meets Nagi, he's attached. All his classmates notice it, too. They question why Reo is suddenly so obsessed with this random kid who has no interest in him. Reo is ignoring everybody that isnt Nagi.
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Very quickly, Reo boils down his view of the world to being him and Nagi versus everybody else, and he makes that very clear. It also depicts something that I think is incredibly crucial to Reo’s character that a lot of people overlook; as Nagi develops to be Reo’s favorite person, Reo’s dream isnt ‘playing soccer’ anymore. It’s Nagi. It’s being with Nagi, playing soccer with Nagi, being useful to Nagi, taking care of Nagi, and being somebody important to Nagi. He doesnt teach Nagi the rules or how to actually play, he teaches Nagi how to play with him. He literally re-writes and re-structures the game so that it can center around him and Nagi. Nagi calls him out on this in the spin-off manga:
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Reo doesnt care about the structure of the game, he cares about Nagi. The other people on the field don't matter. The other team doesn't matter. He also starts to unknowingly put Nagi up on a pedestal, which is another borderline trait. He starts reiterating that Nagi is special, he's different from everybody else, he's destined to achieve great things. The more he raises Nagi up, the more he isolates the two of them in his mind, reiterating the idea that it's them against everybody else. His language reflects this too: Reo exclusively talks with 'us' 'we' 'our', insinuating that they're going to do everything together.
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When Ego says that there can't be two winners, Reo says that he'll make Nagi the best striker. His 'ego' will be making Nagi successful. Along with putting Nagi on this pedestal, Reo also very early on establishes the fact that he'd pick Nagi over himself any day of the week. He's the only person in Blue Lock who really couldn't care less about becoming a striker himself: his dream is to be a tool in Nagi's success. Or, in simpler terms, he wants to be useful and make Nagi happy.
These two were in trouble from the very beginning. Nagi is lazy as all hell, has 0 motivation to do anything, and his dream is to live a life of luxury and never have to work. Reo, being the borderline baddie that he is, is more than happy to do EVERYTHING for Nagi. Borderlines love extremely hard! It's one of our best traits and I think it's important to showcase that Reo is a massive sweetheart at his core. He clearly loves Nagi a lot and goes to extreme lengths to make sure he feels taken care of. To someone with BPD, NOTHING is too big of an ask for a person they love, especially if that person is their fp. I also disagree with the argument that Reo 'made' Nagi codependent. Nagi likes being taken care of, he says it all the time. If you ask me, I would actually argue that Nagi takes advantage of Reo a little bit because he knows that Reo will do anything for him. But regardless, I think that Reo starts to develop an unspoken expectation with Nagi that he'll provide him with everything he needs, and in turn, Nagi will stick around. I don't think he's doing this intentionally, nor do I think it's being done in a manipulative way. I just think that Reo has a dormant fear of being abandoned that he doesn't totally know he has yet.
It isn't just Nagi that Reo showcases having unstable relationships with, though. Zantetsu is another good example. Reo starts out disliking Zantetsu, he snaps at him a couple times, and calls him a moron more than once. He starts to warm up to him because Nagi tells him to. The favorite person has MASSIVE sway in the borderline's life. If Nagi likes someone, Reo likes them too. (This is, of course, on the condition that they aren't a threat, looking at you Isagi).
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In the immediate next chapter, Reo is acting like they're all best friends. He's climbing on top of them in their big bed, saying that the three of them are gonna win their matches, being a little pookie. He goes from not liking this guy at all to considering him one of his close friends super fast. Also on the topic of Isagi, when they're making up the teams for the second selection, Nagi doesn't initially want to tell Reo that he wants Isagi on their team bc he's worried Reo will be upset. But, when he does finally say it, Reo is literally fine with it because like I said, who Nagi likes, Reo likes! On the condition that they don't replace Reo, which clearly happened soon after.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, Reo also shows how he can go from loving someone to despising him very quickly. After Chigiri and Kunigami tell him to get back up in the game post-Nagi's abandonment, we can literally see the switch flip in Reo's head:
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Suddenly, he hates Nagi. Nagi's a jerk who abandoned him; he never cared about him, and he threw him away. Dude literally says "Let's kill the bastards that betrayed us". This act of unintentional devaluing is called splitting. What Reo's essentially doing is going from one extreme to the other: if Nagi isn't his perfect treasure, he's the devil that broke his heart. There's no room for a grey area. The reasoning behind borderline's developing this black-and-white mindset is rooted in self-defense. If Reo devalues Nagi into being nothing more than a traitor, then he's stripping away the power that Nagi has to hurt him. If he looks at him like a rival or a villain, it's protecting him from being hurt by Nagi again.
That doesn't mean that he genuinely believes any of this, more so, he's trying to convince himself that it's true. We see that at his core, the reason he's acting like this is because he's hurt. I'll go more into it later on, but he's constantly thinking, what does Isagi have that I don't? What do I have to do in order to win Nagi back? This black-and-white thinking is an automatic self-defense mechanism that I think he's doing subconsciously. Regardless, the shifting he's doing here can cause a little whiplash, which brings me to:
Varied or random mood swings + Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights:
I can’t think of a better way to describe Reo's temperament than the wiki, so let me quote it: "Generally, he seems to feel every emotion with full force and is extremely aware of his own faults and shortcomings, which is evident in several instances of painful breakdowns shown in the spin-off manga. Due to his high emotionality, he can even get violent when he loses his temper."
Reo is characterized as being emotionally unstable. When he's happy, he's elated! When he's sad, he's miserable. There are a ton of scenes between the manga and spin-off manga that show how fast his emotions can flip, but this one was one of my personal favorites:
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In this scene, Reo has developed a little scheme in the dining hall where the guys are trading their side dishes. At face value, a throwaway moment. But, I think it's worth looking at because not only does this show Reo's emotional response being triggered in an opposite, semi-extreme direction, but the root cause for the reaction was that he felt rejected by Zantetsu. In his own weird way, he's asking Zantetsu to come over and hang out with him. He's not being exceptionally clear with that message, but I can still pick up on it. "You wanna join in, don't you?" He's extending the invite, making himself vulnerable, and Zantetsu shoots him down by saying nah, I'm fine with my noodles. Reo JUMPS on him like YOU KNOW WHAT? I TOOK THAT PERSONALLY! lol. Jokes aside, I think this moment is a great one to argue Reo's BPD tendencies because it's such a seemingly mundane interaction. Even Zantetsu is surprised by Reo's random outburst. This also sets up the fact that one of Reo's most obvious triggers is being rejected/abandoned/betrayed, an extremely common one between those of us with BPD.
Other instances of Reo having a bad temper are a lot more obvious. In the match against teams V and Z, Reo straight up elbows Raichi in the throat, and then tries to go throw hands with Kuon for hurting Nagi. He only stops because if he gets into any more fights, he’ll get thrown out of the game and won't be able to play with Nagi anymore. He’s visibly pissed though and calls Team Z a joke. Hell, even Reo himself can recognize on a certain level that he can't control his emotions: they control him. They cloud his judgment and make him react in ways that he wish he didn't.
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He is constantly plagued by these extreme emotional reactions that are out of his control. Not to say that people with BPD are unable to ever control their emotions, because we can! It takes time and therapy and practice though, which Reo hasn't had. His lack of regulation is also why he has such a dramatic and extreme meltdown when Nagi abandons him.
Fear of Abandonment:
Reo's biggest trigger and the cause of his inner turmoil throughout Blue Lock is his fear of abandonment. I mentioned before that I think he's had this fear dormant inside of him for a while as so many borderlines do, since he hasn't had the chance to experience it before. He alludes to it early on when they first arrive at Blue Lock:
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The thought of leaving Nagi for somebody else? Reo considers that heartless. They came together, after all. They're going to win the world cup together. Nagi could break both of his legs and Reo wouldn't leave him, because again, Reo isn't there to team up with the best player and become the best striker in the world: he's there to play with Nagi!! And, like I said, in Reo's mind it's him and Nagi vs everyone else-
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Reo exhibits a lot of signs early on of being jealous while they're playing in Blue Lock. I mean, as we discussed, everything should be focused around him and Nagi. When Nagi passes to Zantetsu in the team V and Y match, Reo pulls up like 'hey, why didn't you pass it to me?? ):' There are a lot of little moments like that, but Reo's jealousy is a lot more relevant to my argument after he gets abandoned by Nagi.
Let's talk about that word: abandoned. It seems dramatic, right? Reo uses that term constantly and exclusively. Every time he brings that moment up, he uses the word 'abandoned', or he'll say 'betrayed' or 'chose'. These are very definitive words. He’s not saying Nagi ditched him or flaked on him or blew him off, no; he has abandoned him. That word choice may seem disproportionate to the situation, but that's Reo's reality. This was the ultimate betrayal to him. The constant use of that vocabulary reiterates that in Reo's mind, there is no grey area. Either Nagi chooses him, or he chooses someone else. In choosing someone else, he abandons Reo. Reo is paranoid that Nagi isn't ever going to come back to him and it's because of something that Reo is lacking. How can Nagi like Isagi more than him, anyway?
Now, I do fault Nagi a bit for not communicating better at that moment. I understand that he's bad at communication, but I don't think Reo could have been more obviously upset if he tried. The dude was in TEARS. Nagi saw him devastated and then expected everything to be fine when he met him in the bathhouse? Idk. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he didn't realize it would upset Reo to such an extreme: maybe he thought that they would miss each other, but Reo wouldn't take it personally. I'm doing my best not to harp on Nagi since this is about Reo.
Abandonment is detrimental to people with BPD. It causes extreme inner turmoil that we see with Reo as the story progresses because it is the only thing he can think about. If he isn't trying to cover up his hurt feelings with this idea of revenge, he's self-destructing over being abandoned. He becomes obsessed with wondering why Nagi chose Isagi over him. Was there something wrong with him? Isagi isn't that impressive, why would Nagi rather be with him? These thoughts torture him endlessly and fuel his desire to 'steal' Nagi back. He literally says to Isagi, that he's going to steal Nagi back. Much to his dismay though, Reo starts to notice that Isagi is bringing out some positive traits in Nagi. Nagi's entire vibe is different with Isagi. Nagi is having fun playing soccer without Reo. In fact, he's having more fun. He's making plays he's never made before. His face is visibly different; he's more excited than before.
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This is heartbreaking for Reo. Not only was he right that Isagi did have something to offer Nagi that he couldn't, but Reo is having a massive self-hate spiral during this point as well, so he's internalizing all of his flaws and mistakes while the thought is sitting in the back of his head: did Nagi actually have a good reason for abandoning me? Was I not enough to satisfy him? Did I only drag him down? This gets significantly worse the longer he watches Nagi and Isagi play:
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Everything is falling apart. Nagi is doing completely fine without Reo, and Reo is an absolute mess. We're circling back to Reo's lack of identity here as well. He's watching firsthand that he's losing Nagi to Isagi: what does he do? What happens to him if he loses Nagi, who is he without Nagi? He's overwhelmed during this match and at one point Reo literally screams that he's going to tear apart their connection. Jealousy is consuming him, but it's also those feelings of inferiority and wondering if he really did deserve to be abandoned. If Nagi is so happy without him, maybe he really did have a reason. These are the thoughts that are circling around in Reo's head. Not to mention, he is constantly tortured by the flashbacks of Nagi leaving him, which I think is a great detail. Some readers might say it's just pointless recapping but I disagree, I think it's depicting how traumatic that was for Reo. As a borderline, being abandoned by your fp IS traumatic. Reo relives that moment so many times because so many things trigger it for him throughout Blue Lock. He can't even look at Chigiri and Kunigami without thinking about him and Nagi. It's a really devastating experience that quickly deteriorates him emotionally.
Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness + Suicidal behavior or self-injury:
One of my favorite things about Reo is the fact that he is self-aware that he's behaving somewhat irrationally, but he doesn't know how to stop. When we look at one of the several times that Reo is curled up crying over Nagi, he mentions how he really did want to tell Nagi to go and have fun, but he didn't. He couldn't. The visuals shift for this too:
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Reo doesnt want to be acting this way, but he can't help it, and that's frustrating to him. It makes him start feeling ashamed of himself. His inner thoughts start to spiral and he feels weak and alone. He's reflecting here on what his true feelings really were at that moment, and how scared and lonely and weak he felt as a result of Nagi leaving him behind.
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These feelings quickly evolve into Reo feeling worthless and falling into bouts of self-hatred. He's so ashamed of the way he's feeling and behaving but it feels so out of his control. He says, "maybe if I hadn't gone to Blue Lock in the first place, I wouldn't have to experience this feeling." As I said before, borderline's feel things EXTREMELY intensely; the disorder is described as living with third-degree burns all over your body. Everything hurts. His feelings are so intense and all-consuming right now, it's all he can think about:
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I saw some posts in the fandom reddit asking why Reo is acting like this. One in particular reads: "I get that he is betrayed and stuff but he is acting like it’s the end of the world, is it explained later why he acts like this? Is it because he doesn’t think he can win without Nagi?" Not to call this person out, I just want to answer the question in this post-
It has nothing to do with winning; it was never about winning. It was always about Nagi.
If we're looking at Reo through the borderline lens, it IS the end of the world for him. Nagi was his world. What's worse, he's fully aware that he's not acting rationally and he doesn't know why, which is making him feel ashamed and weak and embarrassed. Now I know why he's acting like this, but there are no Blue Lock psychiatrists sitting around to wack him with the mood stabilizers or the DBT handbook, so he's gonna stay feeling like a monster.
He lets these thoughts, along with the resentment and anger from being abandoned in the first place, fuel him for the second selection match. As he's watching the game play out, as Nagi is about to score the winning goal, Reo's mind starts racing with intrusive, negative thoughts.
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He's praying that Nagi fails, that he gives up, that he stops trying, anything to stop that solidifying moment where he scores the winning goal and proves once and for all that not only was Reo not strong enough to stop him, but Nagi doesn't need him anymore. He catches himself really quickly, because he realizes he's sounding just like his parents. Everything is spinning out of control so bad, Reo wants Nagi to end up in a vulnerable position so that he isn't the only one falling apart. As he catches himself thinking this, he's disgusted with himself. He calls himself 'utter trash', and as he watches Nagi score the winning goal, he falls to his knees, wishing he was dead.
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As he sits there decomposing in emotional turmoil and suicidal ideation, Nagi's team chooses Chigiri to join them, and it's the nail in the coffin. This is probably Reo's lowest point in the entire story IMO. Nagi comes up to compliment him on his plays and Reo shows us another classic borderline move: he's anticipating how bad it's going to hurt to be abandoned by Nagi again, so he's trying to push him away before it can happen. We see the dichotomy of his spoken words and inner thoughts here, where he's talking big game to Nagi, saying things like 'you clearly don't care about me anymore, you're throwing me away, if you're going to abandon me just do it properly', while internally he's thinking 'I'm the worst, I wish I was dead, please take this bait and break my heart so that I can self destruct in peace'.
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i LOVE the visuals during this moment. This is what Reo thinks is his last line of defense, the last thing he can do to preserve any part of his dignity is to make Nagi hate him so that he'll stop throwing these crumbs of affection at him. It's also really telling that despite his switch in behavior and the devaluing of Nagi, the root of all of that is STILL that he was so hurt by the abandonment.
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I don't think I need to analyze the suicidal ideation because he just straight up says he wants to die like three times in this scene but, aside from that, the visual of his inner thoughts vs what he's actually saying is so powerful. Not to mention the chameleon imagery which i'll geek out about in a second, this is another example of his black and white thinking along with the reiteration that being abandoned was literally traumatic for Reo: he says they can never go back to what they were before. Speaking as a borderline, this is painfully true. When people break my trust even in a small way, I can never view them the same as I used to. I can forgive them and let it go, but I'll never be as open with them as I once was. In Reo's shoes, he had Nagi up on this pedestal that he was perfect and would never do anything to hurt him, but he did hurt him (in the worst way possible).
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After Nagi tells him he's a pain in the ass and that he doesn't care anymore, Reo thanks him for 'finishing him off'. In his mind, they're done now and he can suffer in peace and quiet without dragging Nagi down anymore.
Bonus Point: The Chameleon Effect
I LOVE THE FACT THAT HIS THING IS CHAMELEONS AHHHH
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The chameleon imagery with Reo makes me INSANE dude. As I mentioned towards the beginning of this post, a part of borderline that is seldom talked about is the tendency to take on 'the chameleon effect', or mirror the people around them. REO'S ENTIRE THING IS CHAMELEONS LIKE BFFR ?? That image where he was trying to get Nagi to hate him, was before he even started using his chameleon style, it was just something the authors thought was necessary to include during Reo's mental breakdown. Aside from the cool imagery, his chameleon style is a reflection of his relationship with Nagi. He gets called a jack of all trades and a master of none early on in reference to how when he’s without Nagi, hes not really exceptional at anything. He never really took the time to master one specific thing because he was always so concerned with helping Nagi. This rings my BPD bell for a couple reasons: first of all, when you have no sense of identity and you’re worried it means you have no real personality ?? Steal one!! Take the closest person to you and copy that one. That’s something us baddies know VERY well. Also, think there’s something about you that your fp doesn’t like? Change it! You can morph into anything they want as long as it means they won’t leave you !! :*) Before he makes up with Nagi, he copies moves in hopes that it'll make him stronger and appear more desirable to Nagi. After they make up, he copies whoever he has to so that he can get Nagi to that goal and make himself useful, make himself somebody that Nagi wants to have around. It is a literal direct metaphor for him changing anything and everything about himself for Nagi and graaaahhhh it’s so cool
Reonagi ?? Some thoughts-
I want to close this yap session with my thoughts on Reonagi as a ship. I do think that they can work and I want to make that clear. I'm not on board with the 'borderlines arent capable of having loving and fulfilling relationships' crap. That being said, they both have to put in a bit of effort. Reo has already recognized a lot of his own issues. He admits that he was wrong for pushing his ideals onto Nagi, that he needs to let Nagi grow and be his own person, etc. Nagi really hasn't accepted any fault. I stand by the fact that Nagi needs to be more sensitive with Reo. Way too often when a relationship like this fails, all the blame is put on the one with borderline. I'm gonna be the outlier here and say that if Nagi cares about Reo, he needs to learn about Reo's triggers and be mindful of them. I'm not saying that since Reo is sensitive to abandonment that Nagi should just isolate himself from everybody else, but what I am saying is that when he's going to do something that doesn't involve Reo, he needs to learn how to communicate that he still loves and values Reo. "I'm gonna go play soccer with this person right now, but I haven't forgotten about our promise. When I come back, we can play together. I still love you and I'm not going to leave you for whoever tf I'm playing with rn." (sneaking that 'i love you' in bc like..they're literally canon at this point asdfghjkll) But, I do think that Nagi loves Reo and cares about him in his own way. The two of them just have to keep working on their communication skills. Nagi has the potential to have a hot rich husband who will literally bend over backward for him and buy him all the robux he could ever want, he's gotta put in a shred of effort!
I also like to think that Nagi didn’t totally get the fact that Reo doesn’t gaf about just playing soccer. Nagi thinks soccer is what they do together, it’s what makes reo happy, right? He’s always pushing him to train harder and take the game more seriously because he likes the sport, RIGHT? It would make perfect sense to go play with isagi so that he can get better at soccer and come back to reo a more improved player. Maybe that’s why he was surprised when Reo was so mad in the bathhouse, bc he wasn’t making the connection that Reo cares more about him than soccer. That Reo puts all that energy into him playing soccer because he thinks it’s something that they can have as their own, and once Nagi notices how good he is, he’ll start enjoying it and the two of them can hold hands and run around the soccer pitch!! I think Nagi missed that part tbh, and I don’t think he know that even now in the story. Maybe Reo doesn’t even notice it.
Anyway, a shameless plug to my reonagi playlist if that's your thing (i cooked with this one, i fear) https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5CsvSqmuI4cxOl1nTaV4GJ?si=737a0f21e0bd482a
Closing Thoughts:
Reo is a bpd baddie and I love him very much. I think he's a sensitive guy with a lot of feelings who would benefit from taking time to work through his trauma and his emotions. I hope that he eventually is able to build an identity for himself that doesn't involve Nagi, but baby steps, I suppose. I think Reo is a great balance of positive and negative borderline traits and he reads as a really believable and sympathetic character. He is, however, definitely that friend that you have to slap to stop them from running back to their ex.
Jokes aside though, BPD can be extremely hard to live with, even more so when it's undiagnosed and untreated. If someone you love has BPD, take the time to read up on it and do your best to understand them. I promise you, it will mean the world to them.
If you managed to get this far, thank you for reading! This was a messy stream of consciousness and I appreciate your support by listening.
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cagedchoices · 4 months
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The dash has been in a fairly spicy mood this weekend, and I feel that but I'm really more in the mood where I just wanna be soft and affectionate about my ships for a minute, so I thought I would share some of Caleb's favorite things about his partners. Under the cut because I don't shut up ever lmao
@killjoysanonymous — MAEVE MILLAY
He loves how sharp-witted Maeve is and her sense of humor which typically falls on the dry, sarcastic, and sometimes a bit morbid side. Caleb doesn't get to joke around a ton as he takes things so seriously most of the time, but when he does get to joke, it's usually very similar so their humor pairs well together.
He admires her motherly, nurturing side—the part of her that will do anything for the ones she loves, and her resilience as a survivor who has to do exactly that just for an un-guaranteed chance to one day be reunited with her daughter.
He loves her looks, which...yes I know as a host she's designed to look hot because she's built specifically to gratify human desires, but you'd be amazed how quickly all of that becomes an afterthought to Caleb when he spends time around her and doesn't overthink it. And anyways we have AUs where Maeve is human and equally as hot so really. It doesn't matter. His favorite features of hers in particular are her smile, her eyes, her hands, and her voice. He really likes saying her name out loud too.
Caleb genuinely just loves spending time with her. It doesn't matter what they're doing or where they are, he just wants to be there with Maeve.
@timerevolt — LULU WARREN
The first thing that ever came to mind was her looks! I think because the first time we decided to ship together all started with Caleb and Lulu matching on Tinder. Lulu's photos had such a dreamy vibe surrounding them that he was drawn to the idea of who she might be. But even in AUs where they meet in-person first, he's just taken with how pretty she is.
Her positivity and optimism. Despite being through some fucked up, traumatic things in her life and carrying a dark side that she knows she can trust Caleb with, Lulu strives to spread kindness and happiness to others by maintaining a cheerful outlook on life.
Her free-spiritedness. Lulu likes to keep things light and she doesn't really let labels or status define who she is or what she's capable of. Caleb adores this about her, but it's also kind of the main factor that prevents him from telling Lulu he's in love with her sometimes, because he worries she won't be happy if she ends up tied down in a relationship with him. It comes as a real shock to Caleb when Lulu willingly chooses to leave her old gig as a circus performer or a burlesque dancer just to move in with him and expresses the desire to adopt a dog, get married and have babies with him because as it turns out, she is happy in a relationship.
Her baking/cooking skills. I think rarely a day goes by where Lulu isn't making something good to eat. Whether it's born out of pure joy for the love of the hobby or done as stress relief to take her mind off of trouble, she's usually there with a fresh plate of brookies to brighten anyone's day.
Her resourcefulness. Okay, so the fact that she often combs through garbage cans and dumpsters looking for things to repurpose is an aspect of it that does gross Caleb out a bit, but just look at how happy Lulu gets whenever she finds something she wouldn't have without scavenging. Occasionally they probably do have a stern moment of Caleb going "Babe, I can buy you some of these things. You don't have to go dumpster diving." and Lulu "But baby it's free this way—" but overall, he thinks the idea of Lulu taking something someone else threw away and fixing it or making it into something new that she can use is actually very romantic.
@walkswastes — OPHELIA
These two are pretty new and just starting to figure each other out, and I feel like there's some things that feel similar to Lulu—free spirit, optimism— but the very first thing that really struck Caleb about Ophelia is the way she pushes his boundaries a little further than he'd normally go with them! She's very flirty and forward, and sometimes he doesn't really know what to do with that so he just locks up. But so far with her he's been a bit braver and more confident than he normally is.
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elizmanderson · 1 year
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15 Questions 15 Mutuals*
thanks for the tag, @vcaudley!
Are you named after anyone? after my great-grandma who lived to be 100
When was the last time you cried? I don't remember exactly which is a good sign but it was some time in the last two weeks bc I was having a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad week there for a while
Do you have kids? nope and I don't wanna
Do you use sarcasm a lot? idk define "a lot"
What sports do you play/have played? ha. ha ha. ha ha ha. no jk, independent of gym classes I've done basketball (ha!!!), track, archery, and now I do pole
What's the first thing you notice about people? ...I'll get back to you the next time I'm noticing someone for the first time
What's your eye colour? hazel but one eye is more green and the other is more brown
Scary movies or happy endings? happy endings pls
Any special talents? idk define "special" lol, I can ID a fair number of native birds by sight or call? I can sing really well? idk what counts as a ~special~ talent
Where were you born? michigan
What are your hobbies? what are these "hobbies" of which you speak. there are no hobbies, there is only writing. jk except writing actually does occupy like 98.2% of my brain space. uhhhh I like taking long walks, going on long drives, reading, going to the movies or sometimes to the theater, occasionally and fitfully making art
Do you have pets? of course, I have Halloween the Cat (and also four chickens)
How tall are you? shorter than people online tend to think, apparently lmao
Favourite subject in school? English, art, and choir
Dream job? author ofc but like the type of author where I'm making so much in royalties on my backlist that I can quit my day job yet not have to panic about not writing books fast enough to keep paying my bills
*yeah you know I'm not gonna sit here and come up with 15 people to tag when my mind goes blank every time I try to tag anyone
that said, no-pressure tags for: @cytryndor @victoriacbooks @rachaellawrites @marlynnofmany @mslanna and uh well anyone else who wants to do this
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nyctophobia-au · 2 years
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Pan pan pan- poly-poly-poly- im in my element in this au (pan poly demiromantic aceflux go BRR) /pos
ANYWAYS. Sorry if you've already done them, but Hollow? And if you've already done them BV (I know you gave them a name but I'm blanking so hard) or Ghost
Omgggg, yesss. I am a bisexual poly person, myself (also just realised I'm romance-repulsed recently lmao /lh), so I am definitely inspired to write characters, especially poly characters! /pos But yeah, since I just did Hollie, I'll do Echo (that's BV's name, lmao; no worries on forgetting it).
So, for sexuality, I label Echo as achillean because, well, they are an enby that likes cute boys. They are, fun fact, also very poly!! For gender, I have the same answer for Echo as I did for Hollow, so they just stick to the genderfluid label. For ships I like with them, I actually don't have any ships for them,,, at least not with canon characters. Not sure how detailed I should get with it, but after they're an adult, they end up meeting a couple of cute bfs that they settle down with. I don't have names and/or concreate personalities for them yet, but one is an ant and the other is a trans male bee. :] As for BROTPs, they have a pretty good relationship with both Hollow and Hornet. They started out disliking Hollow quite a bit, but as they get to know them, they become fast pals. With Hornet, Echo and Ghost both live with Hornet and Herrah for a time, so Echo gets pretty close to their baby sister as well. Again, Grimm is like their cool second dad, though their relationship has more of a cool uncle that secretly slips you wine behind your father's back. /lh The most defining relationship they have is with Ghost, however. Ghost was the only friend they knew and loved for the whole first fifteen years of their life, until they met Hollow, Hornet, Grimm, and their father. Ghost and Echo were joined at the hip, and the two care about each other very deeply. Ghost especially, though Ghost is pretty hard to read and unemotional most of the time. NOTPs for Echo are, as per usual, anything to do with their parents, sibs, other Higher Beings, and well, most people significantly older than them. :p As for my random headcanon: their most important and beloved hobby is art. They love art very much, and first got their start in drawing and painting when they used to paint rocks in the Abyss with Void from the lake. They would draw pretty pictures with it, and that interest carried over into them drawing pictures in the dirt with sticks, and then even later, drawing on paper that Hornet would share with them. Overall, Echo is a pretty nice addition to the cast personality-wise, and they are also pretty important to the main plot as well. Plus, they are just very cute and fun to write.
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heartisbrave · 5 years
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8 people i’d like to know better
I was tagged by @burger-louise (thanks! I love doing these!)
name / alias. my name is ruby (+ my pronouns are she/her/they/them)
birthday. may 28th
zodiac sign. gemini (pls don't hate me for this lmao)
height. 5'5" (165 cm)
hobbies: reading, journaling, and does watching tv count as a hobby? Lol I go to school full time and have 8 hours of reading a night so I don't have a lot of hobbies anymore 🤷‍♀️
favorite colors. purple, blue, and pink have been my favorite colors ever since I was little (manifesting my bisexuality mayhaps?) 💖 💜💙
favorite books. i've been obsessed with marisha pessl lately so night film and special topics in calamity physics have been my faves as of late. I'm also currently in love with the diviners series by libba Bray.
last song listened to. Hush by deep purple
last film watched. baby driver
inspiration for muse.  honestly I'm inspired by other stories and art. If I really like an element of a story or character, or an aesthetic I daydream about it for days and work it into my own story. I'm also inspired by people, I love little quirks people can have that can define them. One trait I really admire right now is humor. To me, if a story doesn't have humor it's not worth anything. I'm kind of sick of gratuitous negativity in media and I think people are naturally inclined to find humor in even the darkest of times and I think that's beautiful.
dream job. I've never really admitted this before, but I would have loved to do something in show business. I love the art of storytelling so I would have loved to be an actor, director, writer, anything. I fantasize about it a lot but I'm definitely not cut out for that business. Right now I'm in school for psychology and sociology, but I love anything academic. If I could go to school for free I'd be learning languages, musical instruments, anthropology, politics, film, art, literature, everything
meaning behind your url. so basically I've had this account since I was like 12 and still watching shows like doctor who, merlin, supernatural and all that stuff. It's just a phonetic spelling of the silly way I like to say doctor who. I have since moved from those fandoms on but my url hasn't because when I asked my followers if I should change it one of them said no and they loved it. And I just can't disappoint my fans💅
top three ships. i LOVE casserole (cassie/cole) from 12 monkeys (the tv show). That show was so good which is rare for a show that revolves around a couple, but their love story is so epic that it actually works SO beautifully. I also adore nomanita (nomi/amanita) and herlito (hernando/lito) from sense8. The love stories on that show are breathtakingly beautiful especially these two.
lipstick or chapstick. chapstick
currently reading. The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafón. It's an english translation but amazing prose all the same. I love this author even though I've only read his translated books, it makes me wonder how talented he is in spanish. This book is also part of an incredible series called the Cemetery of Forgotten Books
I will tag @fraddit @dramatic-bitch @jabberbabywocky @takethe-angel-andrun @minyard-josten @pantsaremandatory @tardisbewitched @mykeywithawhy
Hope you guys like tag games, but you dont have to do it if you don't want to. Have fun!
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xactodreams · 6 years
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15 Questions, 15 Mutuals.
Tagged by @shinyalice
Are you named after someone? Not really? As far as I know my parents never knew any Kaylas. Although they did know a Gayla, and I've always thought that was hilarious in retrospect...
When was the last time you cried? Monday, after reading about Trumps plans to define gender by sex
Do you have kids? No. And I don't want any. I like babysitting my nephews and my friends kids every now and again, though. Kids can be fun, I just don't want to raise one
Do you use sarcasm a lot? I'm pretty sure I've only met one person in my life who didn't use sarcasm, I believe that's the more rare occurrence
What’s the first thing you notice about people? Whether or not being around them is going to trigger anxiety
What’s your eye colour?  Green
Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Happy endings all the way. I don't like scary movies at all.
Any special talents? Not being able to remember anything that happened yesterday, but being able to remember the specific date when random conversations happened like 10 years ago
Where were you born? North Texas, unfortunately
What are your hobbies? Reading fic, playing videogames, buying collectibles
Do you have any pets? I have a big chonky black cat named Luna, and she's super snuggly and soft
How tall are you? 5′ 7"
What sports do you play/have you played?  I played T-ball, soccer, and basketball as a kid before realizing I was a dangerous combination of super competitive and hopelessly uncoordinated lmao
Favourite subject at school? Art, if I had to pick a subject, but public school manages to make even that torture
Dream job? Gotta be a trophy to actually be a trophy wife, but I'd settle for Couch Potato wife lmao
Actually my dream job would be working full time and getting paid for TGIFemslash, or something like it. I'd love to work for a company that's focused on helping the queer community. Web devs aren't really a permanent position with non-profits, usually, though. I wish I just had enough money to quit my job and volunteer my services. Alas, earwax
@lordtubprivateeye @wanderlogged @wanderson20 @girlpash @myarmsareridiculous @professorspork @proudlyunicorn @wellyoucantliveinfear @coolami69 @falsealarm @stennnn06 @sleepingontheway @falloutb @hmmawkward @tittymalaysia
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quickdeaths · 2 years
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15, 16 and 17? :D
15: What do you look for in a rp partner?
Mm, a few things! Enthusiasm is a big one for sure. Because most of my characters are OCs, it feels nice to know that someone is excited to write with me. I've been in situations, especially in ship scenarios, especially when I was playing an OC opposite a canon, where I have felt like the other person wasn't really interested in what we were writing, or like they weren't really interested in me or my characters, and that was not a good feeling. Plus, someone being excited and enthusiastic and having ideas goes a long way towards making me excited and enthusiastic and having ideas.
Being communicative is another big thing. I would much rather have a conversation if something is bothering my RP partner about the situation or what's going on in the RP than have them bottle it up. We don't need to talk all the time every day, but I like having the channel open where both parties feel comfortable talking about what's going on or how they're feeling.
Lastly, flexibility! I understand people having limits on what ships they like, or what kind of content they want to do, and I'm not talking about that kind of thing, but that aside, I just think this whole RP hobby is easier if you're willing to trust your partner and try new things and be open to collaboration.
16: Favorite trope?
This is a hard one haha. Um, these are mostly gonna be shippy, but, whatever. This isn't really a trope, but I guess a collection of tropes, but I like when you can clearly point to the beginning and the end (or even the middle) and just clearly see the development and evolution of a relationship, so, stuff like, enemies/rivals-to-lovers, or some kind of pining (one-sided or mutual), or something with a very frosty character sort of defrosting for someone.
17: Least favorite trope?
I have sort of two answers, but also disclaimer that these are just my opinions for what I personally like and dislike, and also I don't think badly of anyone for what they like to write. We're all just making the fictional characters smooch here.
First, angst that feels exploitative or crass, especially if it's identity-based. I like angst, and I don't think things like queerphobia, just as an example, should be off-limits to write about, but I do think there's a point at which having a marginalized character who has suffered because of hate can sometimes cross over from "this is raw and painful, but written with care and respect" to "this is exploitative and cruel on the part of the writer." I was going to give an example but this is already getting too long lmao.
The second answer is high concept AU stuff, where everything about the AU is defined by the concept. Stuff like flower shop/tattoo shop AU, or vampire AU, or something. I love AUs and I love building them together with someone, but my experience with actually writing them is that stuff where there's a lot of thought put into the worldbuilding and unique elements usually has legs, and stuff where it's just "what if our character were werewolves" usually flames out pretty quickly, in my opinion.
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positivelyamazonian · 7 years
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Why does it look like the TR fanbase has such a huge gay following, more than any other gaming franchise out there? Don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic in the slightest, but I do get a bit apprehensive when it comes to publicly showing my love for TR and Lara Croft because I don't like when people question my sexuality. Kinda ironic since Lara used to be seen as fap fodder in the 90s for horny teenagers but now it's "you're a male TR fan? you must be gay".
Does it? Honestly, I don’t know. I’m not even aware - and I don’t really care. Maybe gay fans are now more visible because Rhianna claimed she wanted to make Laraboot gay - which in the end she didn’t, nor even mentioned that to Crystal Dynamics - and I guess because many fans ship Laraboot with Sam. Apart from that, I don’t see any reason to explain why TR fanbase has a gay following - more than before, I mean. I don’t think it’s true, anyway. I mean I’ve been a fan since 1998, joined the Internet community in 2005, and there have been always all kinds of fans, all sexual orientations and identities, among the classic fandom too. 
Also, are we sure Lara was fap fodder in the 90s for horny teenagers? Sorry, but I don’t think that’s real or, at least, representative. I think it’s a minor fact that has been exaggerated to justify hate against Classic Lara, also by pseudo-feminists and Core Design’s trashers. I remember the videogame press make use of Lara’s sexy renders to catch the attention of the straight male gamer to buy the stupid magazines with stupid slogans, but… going as far as to use her to fap? I mean, fapping to a 3D render? Really? Maybe I’m too naive, but I’ve never met a single male straight TR fan who actually fapped to Lara - and I asked them, that’s why I say this - unless they lied, lmao. They enjoyed their sexy renders at most, but when they played the games, they knew that had nothing to do with what those games offered instead.
I can think of several female videogame characters back in the 90s that were actually more fap fodders than Lara, honestly. For example, Julie from Heavy Metal Fakk2. After all, she was inspired in a Penthouse living model.
So, they’ve said to you “you’re a male TR fan? You must be gay”. Screw them. I don’t care about sexual identity and orientations. TR fanbase is diverse as any fanbase. We should stop making everything about sexual orientation and focus more on the stuff we like. Because what we like doesn’t necessarily define us. It’s a hobbie, after all. 
Don’t let people question your sexuality and show your love for Lara and TR no matter when, where and how. I am a teacher and my students find it funny, but when I explain why I like her, they immediately understand. So what?
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