#i also had a best friend in elementary school who lied to me all the fucking time and my dumbass iinnocent brain would believe her

[sinofwriting]

Homecoming - Oscar Piastri/Reader/Logan Sargeant

Words: 3,290 Summary: She hasn’t seen them since April and she can only hope that they aren’t mad that she lied to them. Note(s): Thank you @casperlikej for this commission! Had a lot of fun writing it! NSFW. Takes place in 2023. Reader is in the military. Reader is an American, who also somewhat grew up in the UK, but it’s all very vague. Also, don’t surprise people in showers, injuries can and will happen. Read Part Two Here

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“I’m sorry.” She apologizes. “It’s okay, baby.” Logan says. Oscar nods, but there’s worry in his eyes. “Is everything okay?” She nods, “yeah, they just gave me the wrong date. It wasn’t until I was talking to my CO about leaving that they realized. I should’ve said something sooner.” “It happens.” Oscar tells her and she can see through the computer screen the way his fingers twitch, obviously wanting to reach out, and her heart aches.

She misses them so much, both her boys. Hasn’t seen them since April when China got canceled and they both managed to get away from their teams to see her. But she hasn’t really seen them since last year, since 2022, when Oscar was just a reserve and Logan was in F2 with their weird spotty schedule. They didn’t have as many race dates or things to attend. They had spent so much time with her then.

“Do they have your next date for leave?” She shakes her head. “Not yet. I think they’re trying to figure out how they gave me the wrong date.” She shrugs. “But it could mean I get some extra time.” Oscar snorts but Logan nods. “You’ll let us know as soon as you can?” “Of course, Lo. As soon as they tell me, I’ll text you. Have a good day, though, both of you.” Both their noses wrinkle but they nod.

And with I love you’s exchanged, she hangs up, looking at the packed suitcase next to her. Hopefully they wouldn’t be too mad that she lied.

—

Being in the military wasn’t exactly something she planned on. Not as a little girl, not as a preteen and not at fifteen when she discovered she liked both her best friends.

But then she was seventeen wanting to apply to different colleges and programs and her parents had to sit down and tell her that while they had this nice house and the family home in Florida and cars and she hadn’t really wanted for anything, that was all they had. They didn’t have enough money for her to apply to three colleges, let alone the near twenty she wanted to.

It had been a fight instantly. Because she didn’t know what she wanted to do. And for the past year they had been telling her that it was okay and that she’d have college to figure that out and it had been a lie. She remembers throwing things in a bag and going to Oscar’s brand-new place, because he was already eighteen and his parents wanted him to be comfortable.

She remembers throwing herself in his arms and then Logan’s because of course Logan was also there. Remembers crying because it kind of felt like her world was ending. She remembers the way they both had soothed her, held her, let her rage and sob. She remembers the way after when she was more calmed down, the shock gone from her system, they presented a bunch of options for her.

Working with them, working for Oscar’s dad, working for Logan’s uncle, doing this in college and that, just something, anything that sounded appealing and she can remember how she shook her head after every option and how despite that they didn’t get frustrated or angry, they just said okay before offering another until they ran out of things to offer.

It was her uncle, though he wasn’t really her uncle, that told her she should think about the military. She laughed at first thinking he was joking, but he hadn’t laughed with her, instead looked at her seriously.

“You know that I served.” And she had nodded, she had faint memories of being in elementary school or even younger back in Florida and seeing him in uniform, medals and ribbons on his chest. “And you know I’ve said a lot about it. Never kept quiet.” “Rock and a hard place.” He smiled for a second at her words before looking all serious again. “Exactly. What I’m saying is, it’s an option. And nowadays, your contracts aren’t as long depending on the branch like when I enlisted and I’ve got friends.” “I don’t think I’ll like it.” He laughed at her words. “No one knows if they’ll like it until they are in it. Just think about it. It’s something and it will give you time, paid time, to figure out what you really want to do.”

And she had thought about it. She thought about the pros and the cons, how the cons outweigh the pros for her and she nearly didn’t go through with it because of Logan and Oscar. Because they just had to confess to her, tell her that they liked her, wanted to be with her and how could she not tell them the same when it was true? She couldn’t. She had nearly called it good, happy to bounce between them playing personal assistant or social media admin or something, they didn’t really know what she’d do going back and forth, but then she saw her uncle again, a week before she turned eighteen.

He hadn’t said anything, hadn’t brought it up, hadn’t even mentioned the military. But just seeing him reminded her of their conversation, of the way she spent hours upon hours after considering it.

Seeing him made her realize she had to go through with it.

She doesn’t really remember telling Logan and Oscar her decision. She remembers how they reacted, both surprised, unaware she had been considering it. Logan had been understanding, but he was from America just like her, he had family in the service. Oscar didn’t understand, couldn’t understand why. It hadn’t been a fight, not that she remembered, but she knew that her decision had nearly broken them that day.

—

“You reenlisting?” Her uncle's voice is gruff. “No, sir.” He grumbles, lips twitching into a smile. “Good. And don’t call me sir. You in reserves now?” She nods. “As of last week.” “Logan and Oscar know?” She throws him a look. “Why would you be driving me to Vegas if they knew?” He laughs. “Fair. They’re doing good, right? In their Formula One thing?” She smiles, “Yeah, they’re doing alright. Did you like COTA?” He shrugs, merging onto the freeway. “Didn’t understand it, but it was alright. Beer was overpriced.” “Always is at events.” “I remember when you could get a six-pack,” he starts and she mouths along with him, having heard this since she was ten, unable to not smile as she does so. “What?” He asks, seeing her smile. “Nothing.” She tells him. “Just happy to see you haven’t changed.”

—

Vegas is annoying, she decides as she waves her uncle off, the older man having decided to stick around and try his luck at one of the casinos. Or rather the traffic currently in Vegas is annoying.

Pulling out her phone she texts Benny letting him know that she’s at the hotel. Looking around she smiles at all the lights and people milling around. She’d give Vegas this, it was pretty cool to look at.

“Y/N!” She turns her head, smiling at Logan’s trainer. “You got here early!” He chuckles, pulling her into a hug that she returns with one arm, still having a hand on her suitcase. “We made good time. Switched off driving, so saved us a bit from having to stop really.” He pats her on the back before letting her go. “But it was good.” She nods. “All good. How are you? How are the kids?” He grins. “They’re good, amazing, really. Excited that the season is ending and I’ll be home.” “Logan was telling me that you aren’t going to be his trainer next season.” Benny sighs, looking sad as they step foot into the hotel. “The kids are getting older, I want to be there more. If there was a way I could stay on, but not have to go to all the races I would. I love the kid, he’s like one of mine.”

She looks at him considering. She’d been around Logan and Oscar for ten years now, had been around their trainers for over five years, seeing what they did had made it easy for her to choose her degree that the military paid for while she served a year after she joined.

“Maybe you could.” His eyebrow raises. “I have a degree in sports medicine.” “But you have a year left.” She shakes her head. “That last year is reserves, unless we are going to war and all the active reserves have been called, I’m not going back in.” “Logan didn’t say.” “They don’t know.” Benny makes a weird huff sound, shaking his head. “You're going to knock them off their feet this weekend.” She laughs. “Maybe. Just talk to Sarah about it first, I’ll follow you around this weekend and next and we can talk about it with Logan.” “I don’t have to talk about it with Sarah, she’d be thrilled, she wasn’t fond of the idea in the first place. And Logan…” He shakes his head. “If you think Logan won’t be jumping at the idea of having you around twenty-four seven, you’ve lost it.” “Still! Talk about it with Sarah first, just in case.”

He shakes his head, but agrees, handing her a key card as they stop in front of a hotel room door. “This is their room. Gentle with them.” “Kim ask you to relay that message as well?” “Yes.” She laughs, nodding. “I will. Promise.” He rolls his eyes, but there’s a grin on his face. “Go. I’ll see at least two of you tomorrow.” “Bye Benny. Thank you again for helping me.” “Of course.”

She watches as he walks down the hallway before taking out his own key card and entering his hotel room, just a few rooms down. Turning back to face the hotel room door, excitement starts to fill her. She was finally going to see them, be with them.

Pressing the key to the reader, she holds her breath as she waits for the door to unlock, breathes again when it does and she twists the door knob, letting herself in.

The door swings open quietly and her feet and suitcase make no noise against the carpet as she steps inside. There’s the faint sound of the shower running and music playing, and a large smile spreads across her lips. This was the routine she was used to, that hadn’t changed. Them coming back to their hotel room or when finally checking in, getting what they needed put away if they were staying long enough and then putting on some music and hopping in the shower.

The door closes with a small click as she shuts it, kicking off her shoes next to Oscar’s and Logan’s as she does. She hopes as she puts her suitcase next to Logan’s, that the shower is big enough for the three of them, but they’ve made do with some fairly small showers before.

Stepping further into the hotel room, she nearly giggles at the song playing, able to hear it clearly now with the way the bathroom door isn’t completely closed. She loves them so much.

Spotting the dirty clothes bag she bought Oscar for Christmas last year as a stock stuffer, right by the bathroom door, propped against the wall and already filled with a pair of jeans, shorts, shirts and socks, she adds her own pants, shirt, underwear and socks. A quiet sigh leaving her when she takes her bra off, which she carefully places on the back of an armchair.

The bathroom tiles are warm underneath her feet and she lets out a little oh, having expected them to be cold.

Her eyes dart to the sink where the large mirror behind is covered in steam, but her eyes quickly leave it to settle on the shower.

It’s big, maybe just big enough for the three to fit in, but she can’t focus on that because Oscar and Logan are there. She can’t see much, the glass of the shower just as covered in steam as the mirror, but she can see the shapes of their bodies, close together, holding each other as the water hits them.

Taking a deep breath, she steps towards the shower door. She shivers as her fingertips press against the glass before fingers move to open it and poking her head in, voice soft as she looks at them. “Room for one more?” She watches as they separate, Oscar turning to look at her, and they both look at her with confusion and shock, before wide smiles take over their entire faces, eyes shining with happiness.

Oscar the closer of the two reaches forward and she quickly steps in, nearly slipping in her hurry, but Oscar has an arm around her before she can, tucking her into his chest, as Logan shuffles around. The door to the shower closes with a slight noise before his arms are around her as well.

Tension immediately leaves her body at the feeling of them both, and tears start to slip from her eyes. “I missed you guys so much.” “We missed you too, baby.” “So much.” Oscar echoes, arms tightening around her before loosening and she’s being pulled away slightly. She wants to protest, but then his lips are on hers and she moans, sinking into his kiss.

“Lo,” she whines when Oscar stops kissing her, lips tingling. Oscar chuckles, the sound rich and so familiar it wants to make her cry again, but she’s being turned around and Logan is kissing her, his palms cupping her cheeks. “I missed this so much.” Logan breathes against her lips. “Missed the three of us so much.” “Never again.” She tells him, tells Oscar, tells them. “Never again. I don’t have to go back, I’m in inactive reserves and I’m not reenlisting. I’m yours, both of yours.” The words come out in a rush, nearly tripping over each other, but she can’t wait, can’t have them thinking that this will just be a short reunion before she has to leave them again. “Thank god.” Logan breathes before pressing their lips together. “Thank god.” He murmurs again when they separate before she’s turned around to face Oscar again, who practically swallows her whole.

His lips are insistent on hers as his hands clutch at her hips, fingers digging painfully and she hopes that he leaves bruises, wishes that he’d make his grip even tighter, knows he can. She tries to pull away, to ask him to, but he keeps following her lips. Like if he isn’t kissing her, she’ll disappear, so she stops trying. Lets him kiss her, moans when Logan’s lips land on her shoulder, pressing kisses that trail up to the top of it and along the shell of her ear before trailing back down.

“We,” she gasps when Oscar finally stops kissing her, though his lips instead fall to her breasts going between the two, unable to decide which one he wants to give attention to more. “We can’t do this in here.”

The next moments are a blur as they scramble out of the shower, out of the bathroom and tumble into bed, soaking the duvet, pillows, and sheets with their wet naked bodies. It’s a blur of lips on hers, on her body, of fingers pressing and pulling. She remembers clearly the first press of fingers into her body, of Oscar’s tongue laving at her, of the kiss Logan and Oscar shared between her thighs. It blurs with her first and second orgasm.

She remembers clearly as well, the first sink of Oscar’s cock into her, her back to his chest as he laid down, the way he pressed all the way into her, not letting her adjust. She doesn’t remember the apparent fumble for lube or the first two fingers that Logan had carefully sunk into her alongside Oscar’s cock. She remembers the stretch of his three fingers and Oscar’s cock, and finally the stretch of him sinking into her as well. The near painful stretch of having both of them inside her at the same time, in the same hole.

Her mind is still blurry, still coming down from pleasure when they finally break the silence of just trying to catch their breaths and music still playing from the bathroom.

“That was so good.” She makes a small noise in agreement. “You felt so good.” Oscar says, kissing her shoulder and she shudders at the feeling. “You both did.” And she can hear the sound of Oscar kissing Logan. “Logan’s gonna hold you now, okay.” Oscar tells her as she still lays somewhat on top of him. “Both of your legs are shaking.” That makes her blink and look down, swallowing hard because she hadn’t even realized hers were shaking. “And I need to clean you up and get some water for all us, okay?” She nods.

Despite him telling her that, she still nearly whines when he moves out from under her, but he quickly pushes her into Logan’s arms who eagerly holds her close. She hadn’t seen if his legs were shaking as well like Oscar said, but she doubts it with the way Logan manages to turn her around in his arms and pull her so she’s on top of him, her breasts pressed against his chest just the way he likes.

“Love you so much, baby.” Logan murmurs into her hair. “You were so good for us. Just fell apart over and over again. Gave us five orgasms.” She makes a surprised sound. That didn’t sound right. “A whole five, baby. It was fucking amazing.” She nuzzles into his neck and he continues speaking, knowing the sound and feeling is soothing.

He stops when Oscar comes back, making a tutting noise at how they are positioned which makes her mumble Logan’s name and Oscar runs a hand down her calf.

“I know, darling. You’re alright. You though,” and she can picture the way Oscar is looking at Logan, pointing a finger at him. “How am I supposed to clean you up?” She feels Logan shrugs as best as he can with her on top of him. “The way you usually do.” The younger makes a huffing sound but is quiet. She can feel his breath against her leg as he most likely bends.

Logan makes a small noise and she kisses his neck. “Cold?” “No, it’s warm.” He reassures her. She hums and when it’s her turn she doesn't even jolt at the feeling of the washcloth running over her most sensitive parts and her thighs. “Alright, you two, you both got to sit up to drink some water.” Oscar says, as he climbs back into bed with them. Logan grumbles and she turns her head to watch as Oscar gets comfy with his back against the headboard, three water bottles on his nightstand.

He’s still naked, probably not even thinking of pulling on underwear or sweats on and it makes her want to curl up in his lap. He seems to feel her eyes on him because he smiles, all soft, sweet, fond and he’s opening his arms and she carefully moves off Logan to do what she thought about it.

Her head rests on his shoulder, as she sits sideways on his lap, facing Logan, who watches them both with that awestruck look of his as he sits up and scoots closer until him and Oscar are sitting side by side and he can draw her feet into his lap, stilling letting her stay curled up in Oscar’s lap, but getting some contact with her.

“Love you both.” “We love you too.”

@darleneslane @copper-boom @eutrizbea @kimmib13 @elliegrey2803 @stopeatread @hiireadstuff @tallrock35

[multifandombullshitbabes]

21

24

27

And

30

LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

thank you so much, I shall answer these prompts NEOW

21: Fics you wish you could find more of?

Oooohhh more fics involving Gwen, that's for sure. When she's written right she's one of the strongest, most relatable characters imo, 'cause all she wants is for the world to be right and just and kind and everything wants to prove her wrong, but she won't back down from her views. I would also adore more Elyan, just in general. And complete rewrites of the show 'cause the one I'm reading right now is so good I might do one as well. Also modern au's where they're all like secret badass spies or smth, 'cause those are so fucking cool (i am accepting fic recs for ALL of this, please feed me y'all)

24: Everyone knows that fandom doesn’t like uther but what are your feelings about gaius?

I think 1) we need more concrete info about how he was when he was younger, but 2) i think he is severely complicated and wanted what was best of merlin and morgana, but failed the two while also giving them a ton of love. With morgana, he just didnt want her to pursue her power lest she become uther's next victim, cuz gaius cares for the pendragon siblings like his own. With merlin, he was just trying his best with his overpowered nephew, who alos has a destiny regarding his people's genocide's son, and he just doesn't know what to do half the time, kinda like merlin. I didnt like how he lied to merlin n morgana, how he gaslit her and how he made merlin hide and become so anxious abt his magic (and we see what that looks like season 5), but i get it. I really get it. I dont know what i wouldve done if one wrong move could mean the death of two kids he considers his own. I bet he was scared all the time and hated himself for it.

27: Modern Merlin headcanons, if any?

OH BOY. OHHHH BOY. So many. It really depends on what au i have for modern merlin, but I'll give you a few generals:

he's a teacher of sorts; i like the idea that he's kinda collecting magical anomalies and teaching them how to understand their powers and being, since he knows what its like to be afraid of urself, so he's a personal magic teacher. I also rly like my magic elementary school au, since its merlin teaching magic to a bunch of kids, which is adorable

he has officially one cat, a black one called Midnight, that accidentally became immortal along the way and now hes severally attached. I say officially since hes also friends with any other animal that he might come across and they recognise him if he passes them again. disney princess fr

he's figured out his gender and he can turn into a woman if he wants; she looks exactly like merlin, same height, same weight n muscles, the hair is longer cuz merlin likes it that way and her voice is deep and gorgeous

his favourite weapon is a staff or any long distance fighting weapon of the sort; also he looks cool as fuck fighting with it, but thats just a bonus

I'll stop here but i have SO MANY MORE

30: Side character death that makes you the maddest?

Elyan. There was, quite literally, no need for it. I was gonna say Lancelot, since we did not get enough of him, but his death made sense for his character. Elyan? What the fuck was that? It was just for pain and nothing else. What did it add to the story if not just a sad funeral scene and thats it? It just felt like they wanted him gone n found a way, and that pisses me off. I feel like him saving gwen and living would've given such a complex situation when she turns evil, 'cause what if she "confides" more n more in her brother, creating a rift between arthur n elyan, which then creates a rift between arthur n the knights, which would just isolate him further n make him suffer, which is what morgana wanted!! we couldve had protective brother elyan! I think i just wanted more knights in general.

Thank you so much for this ask, I yapped a fuck ton but it was funn

[kaiserkisser]

OAKY GIRL DRAMA. For context this has been going on for years and i have. An anger problem so this may have been my fault

So theres 3 girls here. Girl x is my best friend, girl y is one kf my close friends that is directly involved in this and girl z is the one i punched

Basically girl x got a boyfriend last year and the boyfriend has drama with girl z’s sister becahse they had a 2 week long talking stage that did NOT last long because her sister is psycho. at the time when girl x and boyfriend got together girl z was cheating on HER girlfriend and i found out about both around relatively the same time. The problem with this is that girl z did NOT like girl x’s boyfriend and decided to spread rumors about how hes a terrible person and manipulative. I was like “woah buddy thats taking it too far…also arent you literally cheating on your gf like why do you have any say in someone else’s relationship” and she was just like “i do what i want” ok whatever

Fast forward a week or two and girl y and i have library period together (we get to be librarians for 45 mins) and we overhear some kissing sounds and its GIRL Z KISSING HER CHILDHOOD FRIEND?? that she hates btw. So girl y was like “oh shit we have to tell her girlfriend” — who, for even more context, goes to a different school than us but they all went to elementary together except for me so they knew who she was anyway

Girl y sends girl z’s gf a long winded message about the kissing and how shes worried that girl z is cheating on her. Girlfriend very understandably gets mad at girl z and confronts her. THEN a week after that we dont see girl z until she decided to start making shit up about me and girl y being terrible friends going behind her back spreading rumors. I get my cool ass dean to pull up security footage of them kissing and i Think the drama is handled until girl z wants to hold a “friendgroup meeting”

girl z is mad at me and girl y for telling her girlfriend she got cheated on. Meanwhile she is also mad at girl x for getting a boyfriend and “ruining her and her sisters lives” i stood up for girl x saying she had nothing to do with this and that she needs to drop it

NOW. Fast forward to today. This stuff has been happening for about a month now and ive been dealing with girl z calling me stuff behind my back, calling me the f slur and saying im manipulative and a horrible friend for taking her away from me, etc etc. Victimizing shit. So i call her out on it (and for a bunch of other little stuff thats been happening because i am FED UP. Particularly about her spreading lies about girl x and me, making stuff up about us cheating on our partners even though im in a messy situation with mine rn so that js COMPLETELY uncalled for, whatever you can think of shes said it)

So it was a lot of back ans forth of me bringing up stuff and her getting closer and closer to my face until i yelled for her to back the fuck up and act like a civilized woman and she said “im not fighting with a pussy (t slur) like you” so i clocked her in the jaw and her mouth was bleeding and i walked away💀

I REGRET IT IN ALL HONESTY BUT AR THE SAME TIME WHY WOULD YOU CALL SOMEONE THAT AND NOT EXPECT A BEATING?????? anyway thats the tea let me know if you want more my life is crazy😍

UHMMM HHELLO?????? DUDE WTF HOW IS THERE SO MUCH DRAMA IN YOUR LIFE WTF THIS SHITS COMPLETELY CRAZY???? IDEK WHAT TO SAY BRO UR LIFE IS CRAZY /J

ngl personally i dont think its your fault??? i mean yeah maaaaaybe punching her was smth, but she LITERALLY deserved it SO much- like bro wtf???? girl if you dont have your life under control thats a you problem stop taking it out on others 🙄 literally how does she expect you to NOT react after insulting you AND your frnds for god knows how long???? dude you sure she doesn't need therapy or something? /hj

quick question was girl z also one of ur frnds? help tho this is insanee

tho im curious what happened to her after that? im assuming she was taken to the nurse ig? and like is there any change in her behaviour or has she started victimising even more 💀💀

dude yeah you're right the tea is CRAZY i legit dont have any idea whats going on in our school 💀💀 but things like this DEFINITELY dont happen, recently this one chill dude who was pretty good at studies got shifted to another class (and i think he was abt to be suspended or smth???? idk man) bc LAST year he was being shipped with this other girl who told her mom abt it and her mom took it to the fucking school authorities 💀💀 and it wasnt even bros fault?????? i mean ppl do date and shit but i have no idea what goes on bc im not part of the 'main' frndgroup where everything goes on 😭 pretty sure the grade below is much much more insane than ours tho lmao

AND YEAH ‼️‼️‼️ TELL ME MORE IF U WANT I WANNA KNOW WHAT YOUR LIFE AND AMERICAN (?) SCHOOLS ARE LIKE OMFG ‼️‼️

[acuar-io]

Hey ! Here some random base game headcanon.

- Alexander and Olivia have a crush on each other and end up together in all of my saves

- Zoe and Johnny are both pansexual and will be going on at least one date

- The guy in the rommates household see Zoe like a younger sister but has to act like the mom most of the time

- Katrina is Dina and Nina antie (makes more sense in my mind)

- Travis and Summer were friends first in elementary school and then Liberty move in with her family and they all became close

- Nancy is obviously a bad parent but Geoffry not standing up for Johnny and distancing himself from him is bad

- Johnny was kick out and disowned because of his aspirations, values and sexuality

- Dina and Nina aren't twins. Nina is the 2 years older protective older sister and Dina is the naïve and sweet younger sister

- Alice and Eric met each other through an internship at an art studio (Alice for the creative side and Eric the business side). They didn’t like each other at first

- Malcom has a crush on Cassandra but he treat her badly because "if a guy is mean to you it's because he likes you" but she's asexual lesbian

- Zoe is a the best elementary teacher

Thanks for sharing ur headcanons with me!! I hardly see people talk about Alice and Eric so u giving them a story is so cute!! They deserve more love.

I also see Nina & Dina as sisters and not twins. Thats why in my makeovers they arent identical / have similarities. I know some ppl make them look a little alike but not all siblings are always going to look alike and have similarities.

In my save, Johnny has a bad relationship with his father because his dad is a pushover and does everything Nancy says. So even tho Geoffrey goes out of his way to be supportive of johnny, he tends to be in the middle trying to make johnny come back and just do what his mom wishes. So that sets johnny off. He has a soft spot for his dad, but he knows he cant be a part of his life since his mom has Geoffrey wrapped around her finger. Malcolm sneaks out or makes up lies to meet up with Johnny from time to time because they are actually close. It hurt Johnny a lot knowing he'd leave Malcolm behind with their mom. I haven't thought far enough in what I want for Malcolm tbh! But I know hes evil which tbh im not really a fan of. I know in sims 3 hes good so i want to change that. idk i find it stupid and annoying imo fjsjfjfl I also hate that geoffrey is a secret agent...I try to make sense of the sims 4 lore and decisions on certain townies careers bc I actually hate a lot of them lkfsfkkf

I want Geoffrey and Nancy to be money launderers & The Goths are also in the crime business, The Landgraab's and The Goths are the two well known family names.

Zoe & Johnny sounds real cute ngl...I have yet to take johnny out on a proper date and the last time I played in his household he had the sad and alone moodlet...soooo who knows maybe ill pop in there again heehehe~

anyways, sorry for talking ur head off anon lol!! I started to yap a little too much

[8054yamato]

03/26/2024

The more I revisit some of the more disheartening rabbit holes that I once thought would never re-occur to me again, the more I realize how I am not alone.

The types of rabbit holes I am talking about are the people rambling of their personal issues and how many of them took their own life soon after. One of the cases you may know of is Olivia Liv Penpraze.

I am an on and off Pierce the Veil listener. I have been since elementary. Around the time I got into digging through the internet rabbit holes, I discovered a discussion topic on a forum about their hidden message on Bulls in the Bronx. That curiosity eventually led me to look up Liv and read her story. I had watched a video of her messages in index cards, then eventually her final video. I did not catch it at the time, but after re-watching that video now, I realized PTV's Hold On Till May was based off her final goodbye.

Mind you, I was at 7th grade when I had originally discovered her. It was the year after 2 depressing years. At the time, I felt a sense of connection as I was also bullied and numb during my 5th and 6th grade. Official records show that I had attempted suicide or self-harm at my school at 6th grade and now it is stuck there as a permanent record. I had to go to the hospital and tell lies how I was okay and eventually, I managed to become stable again.

7th grade was a really good year. I made my first real friend, and I linked up with a nice friend group which led to my first best friend. I got introduced to Flower Boy by Tyler, the Creator that year and have been a frequent listener since. So when I read and seen Liv's story and felt related with her, I felt a sense of thankfulness.

Why? Because I thought I was abnormal. I thought that I was a failed product. I thought that I was a failure to everyone. Even when I was happier at the time than any of the recent years prior to my discovery of her, I still had major insecurities. Recognizing how I was not alone and even made it out of the dark hole I was once in, I had more confidence. I was more thankful for life and appreciated my happy days further. As a consequence, I was an outgoing introvert if that makes sense. The biggest downside that year for me was how serious I got into anime around the same time, but that is completely unrelated. I just wanted to say a negative about that year because it really was the peak of my life.

I would say the day I seen Liv's story was an important day that made who I am today. I can not pinpoint the time when I started self-reflecting and thinking more logically, but if I had to make an educated guess, it would certainly be that day. Her story single-handedly changed the route of my life to what was supposed to be for better.

Fast forward to present-day, I am on the same mindset as her once again. The difference now is what makes the both of us and many people alike depressed. One thing for sure, our end paths are aligned. It is either hot or cold, success or death, everything or nothing.

I know I made plans on mid-May to start changing myself. Whenever I get into darker thoughts, I doubt that I can even last that long. Thankfully, I am not always on that side of the brain. It just comes on seemingly randomly like an angel and a devil on my shoulder.

I am impressed how people can live past 18 with our state of mind. Liv was really holding onto her thoughts for so long and I feel really sorry for her. Those who made it out, congratulations. Please continue. Nobody wants to see your deaths, we all want you to live.

Let me tell you the craziest shit though. This was unplanned as I now checked my old Twitter account and you will not believe it. FYI the reason why I checked my old Twitter account was because I just remembered it. You know how Liv was holding her suicide until May? So was I. I checked my ranting back on January 2022, I was planning to end it all on May 1st. I was 15 fucking years old at the time. I even had a roadmap of where I wanted to go for my death and the time. WHAT THE FUCK!???

I want to mention how I literally forgot about her at the time. The only reason how I remembered her today was because I started to go through rabbit holes that I read a long time ago of similar stories to her and one of them mentioned Liv. The pure unplanned coincidence of me having the same death day as Liv is blowing my mind right now. I did that shit at 15. I am at 18 with the same mindset. I have not changed since then.

I have been on this exact post for more than an hour. Just a mix of typing my thoughts then staring at my ceiling to think on repeat. I now re-read everything I have posted, and there was not much, but it was enough. I probably stated this before, but I really only had one best friend in my life. That best friend commented on one of my posts. I read it and I cried. He really said some nice words that I actually will try to follow it.

Evidently, for three consecutive years, nothing has changed. I have made the same promise each year and not once have I completed any of them or even come close. As I read through my most recent DMs with my old best friend in 2023 when I randomly checked up on him, the more I realize how low I have stooped.

The DMs show my ambitions on how I strived for perfect SAT scores and the path of work I was interested in sometime July of 2023. I am aware how I previously stated how my depression started before that time, but there were attempts of getting happiness back and really strong ones around July. My efforts actually proved that as I was fairly diligent and actually invested on those efforts. Eventually, a big wave of depression hit around the time my senior year started and it has only went downhill from there.

I want to link up with him and talk. I want to see how everything is going for him and his progress with his interests. I hope he is doing well.

I have remained the same person for three consecutive years. I wish to change. I want to change. You have to get through the hard parts of life to experience the good parts. Do not wait for life to get better, make it better.

Today was really insightful. I know I have said this previously, but today truly might have been the best post. I started off wanting to talk about rabbit holes and connection with like-minded individuals from a decade back to rambling about myself and Liv.

I want to place your perspective on something real quick. She committed suicide at 2012. I was in Kindergarten or 1st grade at the time. 12 years later, I am at her position, just one year younger. The cycle of depression continues. Whoever you are, you are not alone, I promise you. I really hope you are able to change. Work hard. When your thoughts make you kneel, keep trying to stand. The only end you want to see is life and your passions. Tunnel vision for that goal.

That is enough for my rambling session. Today was a very emotional day. I started typing this at late 11PM and ended up almost 1:30 AM.

The plans I made that was originally meant for mid-May, I will start it now. This will be my final rush. I managed to survive for more than three years with these negative thoughts, I do not think I am strong enough to survive another. If all goes to shit, I will be gone by May 1st. I will stick with my original plan. Thank you for reading once more.

As I stated previously, I will be going on a hiatus when if I started on the plan. I will keep it consistent and will not post. If you do not hear from me by May 1st, I am a lost cause. I hope you do not think the same. It is bad. I want you to be alive. Thank you for reading an another entry of mine. Hopefully I live to see beyond May.

This may be my final song recommendation:

When life gets hard, keep on marching on. Even if the finish line is far or you have to push a car, keep on marching on.

Signing out,

Ren

[tcplnyteens]

Review: The House of the Scorpion by Nancy Farmer

The House of the Scorpion is a pretty old book. So old that I remember seeing it on the shelves of bookstores and libraries when I was in elementary school. This year, in fact, marks its 21st anniversary since publication. But for the past few weeks, I’ve had snippets of free time here and there throughout the day, and The House of the Scorpion proved to be the perfect thing to fill those odd gaps. 

I need to preface this by saying that The House of the Scorpion is one of the best pieces of dystopian fiction I’ve ever read (and quite possibly one of the best books I’ve ever read, period). It’s up there with the classics like 1984 and Animal Farm, and the short stories of Ray Bradbury. I had so many thoughts and feelings after I finished The House of the Scorpion that I just had to write them down, which is a testimony to how good this book is. 

The House of the Scorpion is about a boy named Matteo Alcarán. Matt is a clone of the ancient El Patrón, the supreme leader of a country called Opium, a strip of land that lies between the United States and what used to be called Mexico. Growing up on the Alcarán estate, Matt must face off against people who see him as nothing more than a monster because of how he was born. In a heavily prejudiced and violent society, Matt struggles to reclaim his humanity—until a betrayal by one of the only people Matt has ever loved forces him into the dystopian hellscape of the outside world. Fleeing from the Alcarán estate, Matt discovers unspeakable truths, meets true friends, and begins to forge his own path in the world.

This book is so, so good that I don’t think any review I can write will do it justice. Nancy Farmer has mastered the morally gray protagonist. I never thought I could genuinely hate and continuously root for a book character as much as I did for Matt. As irrational and destructive some of his actions were, I felt that I could truly understand his character and where he was coming from. After all, how can you expect a kid to not turn into a selfish psychopath when the people around him have dehumanized and abused him all his life? It’s only human, and that’s what Farmer does so well—create characters that are so painfully human. As such, I found myself becoming more and more invested in Matt’s development over the course of the book. It was immensely rewarding to see him rise above the terrible definitions the Alcaráns assigned to him and grow into a strong, intelligent person.

The worldbuilding in The House of the Scorpion is also absolutely top-tier. Nancy Farmer flawlessly combines the pressing issues of the current day—climate change, the border crisis, drugs, cloning and ethics—into a strikingly realistic dystopia. The world of this book is not extreme like that of 1984. Instead, it’s a future projection of today’s issues, and a commentary on the state of the world and humanity, which brings me to my next idea: this book’s powerful ideas about humanity and the human psyche. How do children respond differently to oppression and abuse? In the worst situations, which parts of human nature shine through? What does it really mean to be human? These questions and more are all explored in depth in The House of the Scorpion. This book made me really think about my own opinions about humanity and the advancement of technology. 

Despite the masterful character and worldbuilding, the most appealing part of this book is, in my opinion, the storytelling. Nancy Farmer is a storyteller like no other. I don’t remember the last time I was so invested in and scared to continue reading a book. The sheer suspense and pacing of the story were done just perfectly. I couldn’t stop turning the page, but at the same time, I didn’t want to know what would happen next. I was genuinely terrified that Matt was going to die. Part of it was the genre of this book, and part of it was the perfectly anxiety-inducing plot progression, but I don’t think I’ve ever been so convinced that a character was going to die. Usually when I read thrillers or action novels, I’m relaxed because the protagonist’s plot armor will protect them from anything. This was not the case for The House of the Scorpion, to my genuine surprise and fright. (I’m not telling you if Matt dies or not. Muahahaha.)

Anyway, that looming sense of dread made the book’s bittersweet ending hit so much harder. I won’t tell you why it was bittersweet for me, because I think this book needs to be experienced completely authentically. I’ll just say that even though it was sad, I was ultimately really surprised and happy that Farmer gave us a somewhat happy ending. I was preparing myself for an emotionally damaging ending, like the ones in 1984 and Animal Farm, so I appreciate that Farmer ended the novel on a hopeful note. I think writing happy endings for dystopian novels is such an important thing, because the point of dystopian novels is, often, “if we don’t fix this issue in the present then a terrible thing will happen.” But giving all of these books terribly hopeless endings really doesn’t do much to inspire people to act. Seeing my favorite characters rise back up stronger and more determined than before, despite all of the awful things they endured, gave me hope for humanity.

Overall, just go read The House of the Scorpion. It’s such a good piece of writing, and a combination of all the things I love most in books: a dystopian setting, slightly twisted characters, commentary on the world, and well-done suspense. I would recommend this book for people who are looking for thought-provoking, complex ideas and who don’t mind mild violence and fear. I guarantee that if you finish it, even if you don’t like it, you will have learned something profound about the world or about yourself. 

~Tania

[gggoldfinch]

the first time I wrote this my laptop crashed halfway through and deleted everything and I started sobbing. here we go again, part 2, I'll try not to have a fucking stroke:

(Also not to be weird or unkind but pls don’t read/like/reply to this if you’re not a follower or mutual of mine. I trust my regulars and mutuals, some y’all that blow in on the wind scare me …)

here’s a little personal ramble about me discovering(?) my neurodivergency (with a sprinkle of childhood trauma) (I lied it’s not a sprinkle it’s a backhoe full) because I just had a fucking MASSIVE epiphany while sitting here doing nothing. Feel free to read idc, I just need somewhere to put this since I don’t have a shrink, and maybe some y'all will relate, considering we’re all a bit touched in the head here. This is a blog and I’m finally treating it like one lmao

a little context: I had somewhat severe epilepsy from age 4-5 that seemingly had no cause, and went away on its own. yay. 

so, on to the topic at hand. My family had numerous stories about how I used to get seriously SERIOUSLY overwhelmed/ overstimulated as a child— so much so that on one particular occasion I hid in a basket of toys in my bedroom during my own birthday party until my mom had to make everyone leave early. Needless to say I was labelled “a handful.” My parents always blamed these outbursts of overstimulation in social settings on my epilepsy (even though this behavior continued after my epilepsy cured itself), saying that it made me tired, irritable, easily overwhelmed, etc. But now as an adult, knowing there is a fairly decent likelihood that I have not only adhd but autism too, this makes much more sense. Side note: my parents refuse to believe their child could be neurodivergent (among many other bigoted things their child could not be)—they shoot me down whenever I propose the idea, calling me silly—so it’s likely that bringing me to a specialist never crossed their minds, considering they didn’t want to consider it and I didn’t portray the “traditional symptoms” of neurodivergency that were known about in the early 2000s. 

all this being said, yes, I just had that epiphany while sitting here on my couch and was like. oh. damn, that kinda makes sense now, looking back through a different lens. It’s always been here, apart of me. It’s always been with me. And realizing this kinda makes me a little sad. I have all the resources at my fingertips now as an adult to learn about all the ways my behavior has been misinterpreted throughout my life. All the times when I refused to let my mom brush/touch/style my hair, when I'd only eat the same favorite foods, why I was SO obsessed with pacifiers, why I would lash out and get overwhelmed and torment everyone around me. I understand why now, and it strangely makes me feel so sad and alone.

I feel like I’m always mourning my childhood and the loss of it (crying rn lol, a tear fell in my mouth). I was friendless and bullied for 9 whole years of my life, throughout my entire elementary and middle education. My grandparents, who were my best friends, died 15 months apart and I never got proper closure, and am still in mourning over a decade later. I was diagnosed with several life changing diseases when I was just a poor dumb kid and it virtually stripped my teenage years to their bare bones. I had good times, I did, but you don’t often remember the good times, do you. I remember feeling alone, overwhelmed, and so so so different for so many years of my life, and not understanding why. I really do think my childhood ended when my grandparents died when I was 10, because after that ushered in the mental and physical health problems, and still, no comfort in peers until my late teens. Even when I finally had friends in high school (not the same friends from high school that I've talked about here, mind you), they would tease me; laugh when I’d slip up verbally, or when I was slow on the uptake, even if I asked them to stop. I’d feel overwhelmed and isolated, but I'd suck it up because this is what friends do, despite this being exactly what my merciless “friend” bullies did in middle school. 

Now I realize that I always had the right to be overwhelmed and angry that no one understood why— my symptoms of neurodivergy came in a “gifted kid” box, with hyperfixations and poor social skills abound. Now Ive got gifted kid burnout and explanations for my younger self. I understand why I sometimes felt like I needed to peel off my skin if I felt overwhelmed (still do lol), why kids didn’t want to be friends with me and thought I was weird, why I was so susceptible to teasing and why I couldn't stand up for myself, why I always pretended to fit in even though I and everyone else knew I didn’t. 

I think I deserve to grow more now, knowing all this. I know I’ve done and said a lot of stupid shit I'm not proud of, and I know it may be a copout to blame it on not being entirely sure how to navigate social situations or on kids being mean little bastards, but I sincerely think I've grown as a human just by realizing it hasn’t all been my fault like I've told myself for so long. I didn’t drive people away as a kid, I couldn’t help it if I acted out when I was overwhelmed or overstimulated or humiliated— I didn’t want to put my mom through hell when she too was young and overwhelmed with having her first kid. But that’s all behind me, and I think that knowing now where it likely all stems from, I should these experiences to get to know myself a bit more, and take care of myself. Forgive myself. 

okay now that I've cleared my sinuses with that hearty sob sesh... 🤷🏻‍♀️

[xxxdrummysdaughterxxx]

i opened up. about everything (sorta). for the first time in years the other day

i was talking to an old friend about a tattoo i’m getting to cover old sh scars and i told him i was a fucking mess. and he asked me what happened that fucked me up. SO I TOLD HIM. only my husband and therapist ever knew anything about it.

i’ve decided to open up about it here… so be nice.

when i was 13, 2 weeks before starting my freshman year in august, i was raped. this ruined all of my future relationships. i said no, but it didn’t matter. i started cutting to help numb the pain. i told my friends it was consensual. it wasn’t.

i turned 14 in september and in october one of my best friends committed suicide. i was devastated. i stopped eating and developed an eating disorder and starting cutting more. i didn’t recognize myself anymore.

personal hygiene was nonexistent to me. i didn’t want attention, i didn’t want to be touched again. other kids complained (OBVIOUSLY.) so i took more time on hygiene-just enough to go to school.

a few months later i was assaulted on a school bus. i told my best friend and opened up about the first time and being raped. she told my mom. my mom called the school and I WAS BLAMED. i should have gotten help when it happened, i should have made it a big deal. i was on an elementary bus, with tiny humans. but i should have made a scene. it was never “he shouldn’t have done that to you. i’m so sorry”

i started taking pills on top of everything else. i just wanted an escape. i attempted suicide. i wanted it to end.

then i met the first boy i fell in love with. the boy who ruined me. i started acting out sexually since i couldn’t be invisible. we started sleeping together. it went on for 2 years.

i wasn’t getting better, i was just hiding. i wasn’t eating, i was cutting, i was smoking and taking pills. anything i could to escape, to feel nothing.

i pushed everyone away. i didn’t need help, i was fine! i could control it.

i never dated in high school because my trust was completely gone. i didn’t want to be alone with another boy. until i started dating my husband.

after we graduated, he left with the military for a few months. the best guy friends i had all 4 years had also turned their backs on me. whoever said guy friends are less drama fucking lied. so i started getting really good at hiding everything. i was working-i didn’t need to eat at home. i was getting high more and more, hardly ever sober.

when my grandfather died (october after i graduated. literally on the 4th anniversary of my best friends suicide) i realized i needed help. i wasn’t okay. i went into therapy. finally someone could help me!! wrong.

my mother (who thinks she knows everything) was called into a session where my dr diagnosed me with BPD. my moms exact words were “everyone’s borderline as a teenager” but i believed my mom!! i started lying to my therapist. to my family. to my boyfriend. I WAS FINE!

until i wasn’t fine.

i cut too deep one morning. i was fighting with my boyfriend over something stupid and told him i wasn’t okay. i was having a mental breakdown or panic attack or something.

when i was cutting i would black out. i couldn’t feel anything so i’d end up with a ton of cuts. i didn’t stop til i could feel it again. but this time was different. i wanted to die. in that moment i just wanted everything i was feeling for so long to just end.

i cut too deep. i sunk to my bathroom floor. i started passing out from the blood loss. something in me told me to stay awake. fix this. i tried calling my boyfriend (yes i married him, he’s better now) and told him i need to go to the hospital and he ignored me. he said he was busy. i was drifting in and out so i called my best friend and told her. she rushed to my house (this was like 730am) in her pajamas and spent the entire day with me, took me to the hospital to get stitches. helped me. that night my boyfriend called me and apologized. i could have died and he didn’t care. it took a long time for us to get better after this.

i didn’t get better until i was 19 and found out i was pregnant with my son. i started going back to therapy to keep us both alive. she explained what BPD was and it made so much sense. the self harm, manipulation, unstable relationships etc etc. everything i felt finally explained.

my son saved my life. had i not gotten pregnant with him, i’d probably be dead. i wouldn’t have him or my 2 amazing girls. i wouldn’t have fixed my relationship and been with him for almost 10 years.

after 14 years i am finally covering my past.

[bewhoeveriwannabe]

Messy Bestie

Addison and Ashley have been best friends since pre-k. They were inseparable. There was never a time Addison was seen without Ashley. They were more than best friends; in fact, they were like sisters. When you saw them together, it was as if they were only one person.  They’ve lived next door to one another since birth. Their parents went on summer vacations together. One time, Addison’s dad wrote a recommendation letter for Ashely’s dad to work in the city at the mayor’s office. He saved their family from losing their home to the bank.

Addison’s dad, Austin was the sheriff of the town. He was very well respected. No one committed any crimes in the rural area thanks to her dad. He’s solved every crime that has ever been committed. The community admired him. Her mom, Lisa was more admirable than Austin. She owned the only women’s boutique. The nearest clothing store was Walmart unless you drove about 200 miles to the mall down the highway. Every woman within the 100-mile distance visited Lisa’s store. She knows every woman from each town from the west to the east and south to the north. One year she threw a birthday party and every convenience store, gas station, restaurant, and grocery store closed in town. It was as if her birthday was a holiday.

Addison’s parents were the power couple with their beautiful daughter who was sweet as could be. Everyone in the middle school Addison attended looked up to her. All the girls and guys would stop and stare whenever she walked past. One time, Kristy was being bullied for wearing a pair of Chuck Taylor sneakers. Everyone laughed at her and called her poor. Addison went home and told her parents what Kristy was going through before asking them to buy her a pair of Chuck Taylor sneakers also. When Addison walked into the school the next day, everyone’s jaws dropped. Addison has changed the perspective of Chuck Taylor for all eighth graders. After Christmas break, every kid in the eighth grade had a pair of Chuck Taylor sneakers thanks to Addison.

Everyone loved her, she was perfect. Even more perfect than Ashley, who would be in Addison’s shoes if Austin and Lisa never meet. Ashley admired Addison more than the other eighth graders as if they weren’t best friends. When Addison was away, Ashley would melt. One year, Addison went to visit her grandma out of town and rumors say Ashley didn’t shower the entire time she was away. She just sat in her room, hiding under the covers while she cried and shook from anxiety. One year, Addison dressed as Thing 1 while Ashley dressed as Thing 2. Everyone thought it was super weird. It was funny how they thought it wasn’t weird Addison dyed her hair pink and cut bangs in it then the next day at school, Ashley had done the same thing.

I’ve been in school with Addison and Ashley since pre-k also. I stay on the same block in our neighborhood. Everyone admired their friendship, but I thought it was toxic. It was scary how they were the same. They even began to look alike after we left elementary school. In the back of my head, I always thought the day their friendship ends Ashley would end the world along with it. Although they were best friends, it was obvious Ashley admired the friendship more. Sometimes Addison would say nasty things to Ashley, but Ashley would ignore it. “Ew, your breath smells like crap!” She’d scream over the lunch table so the entire cafeteria could hear, and everyone would laugh. One day, I asked Ashley why she allows Addison to be snobby towards her and she replied, “Because I love her silly!”

The prediction I had of their toxic friendship was true. I knew that the end would be near once the inseparable duo broke ties the summer before we began high school. I never knew what the reason was, but my mind allowed me to think it was Ashley’s obsession with her bestie. Rumors are Ashley’s mom doesn’t know she and Addison aren’t friends anymore. She lies to her mom and tells made-up stories about ‘a joke Addison told today’ or Addison’s awesome cheerleading performance at the football game, although she watched from the top of the bleachers all alone. Some say she lied to her mom because she betrayed a great friendship. Others think she lies because she’s delusional and doesn’t notice her bestie isn’t exactly her bestie anymore. But I think it’s because Ashley wanted to live in Addison’s skin.

Ashley no longer stood in Addison’s shadow; she did everything alone now. Her hair was never styled, she wore a ponytail the entire school year which wasn’t her usual. As Dressing fashionably for class was no longer a priority, she wore baggy jeans and big sweatshirts. All the friends she had when we were in eighth grade, no longer spoke to her since Addison didn’t speak to her. She walked around school like a zombie. With big and slow steps, I could feel the pain of emotion in each one she took. Although Ashley and I didn’t speak much, I felt for her. I’ve seen how bright she could be since we were five years old. She has let herself go and if “give up” was a person, it would, unfortunately, be Ashley.

I sat with Ashley every day during our lunch period. I couldn’t stand to watch the stares and glances she received. I thought if maybe just one person joined her, she wouldn’t look like an outcast. Although we sat together, we never spoke. She just keeps her head down while she eats snacks from the vending machine. I only see the top of her head. She never looks me in the face. Every day I give myself a pep talk before lunch to speak to her. “Hey Ashley, how are you?” I would practice under my breath. I’d be crazy to ask her that, I can see how she’s doing. I want to ask her why Addison cut ties of their friendship, but I know that’s not my place. I know why I haven’t said anything to her, but I’m not sure why she doesn’t speak to me. Maybe she thinks I’m the weird one for not speaking. She may not say anything to me, but I know she appreciates me sitting with her.

I looked around the lunchroom and saw Addison sitting with her usual group of friends most would call ‘popular’. Addison didn’t have one bestie anymore; she had an entire clique. They followed everything she did. They were sort of her pets. They stood outside the bathroom door until she finished her business. I even heard they do all her homework and assignments in class. I watched her as she laughed and joked at the lunch table. Her dark hair fell to her waist with highlights of pink and blue extensions. Her crop top shirt showed off her awesome cheerleader abs and body. Her smile was gorgeous, especially when she showed her bright pearly white teeth. Everyone loved Addison at our old middle school the year before, but now we’re in high school she has even more power than before. There’s triple the number of guys and girls to drool over her.

After lunch is 4th period, US History class. I sat in the back of the room as I waited for class to begin. I’m usually always the first one here while others take their time getting back from lunch. I was shocked to see Ashley early also. Every class she’s late, sometimes she doesn’t come at all. If my perfect ex-best friend was in the same class as me, I probably would skip too. I watched her as she grabbed a bottle of liquid out of her bag and napkins. She took her normal big and slow steps as she walked toward Addison’s assigned seat. I felt a panic fall upon me as she held the bottle upside down it dripped onto the desk. What is she doing? I was afraid. I knew Ashley wasn’t her old self and I was scared. The old Ashley wouldn’t hurt a fly. But the new Ashley, I wouldn’t underestimate her. She then took the napkins and wiped the substance off before sitting down.

As usual, she never looked at me. But she knew I saw. What has she done? Should I let an adult know? I was terrified. Ashley has turned into an entirely different person, and it seemed I didn’t know her anymore. What if it’s poison and she wants to murder Addison? My entire body was tense. My hands began to sweat, and my legs couldn’t stop shaking. I never felt fear before as I did now.

I jumped as the school bell rang and many students joined us in the class. The room felt dizzy, and everything was in slow motion as I watched Addison walk to her seat. My heart dropped as Ashley looked back at me and we locked eyes. She turned her head back to the front as our teacher began the lesson. I clenched my fist hard; I could feel my nails breaking the skin on my hand. Ashley hasn’t looked me in my face the entire school year, what did this mean suddenly? Was it a threat? I’m not sure, but the fear in my chest wouldn’t allow me to tell anyone anyway. In a matter of minutes, I convinced myself that I wouldn’t.

About fifteen minutes into class, I was ready to explode. My insides were hot, and I could feel my skin melting. I was too anxious to know what Ashley has done. Then, it finally happened. Addison began to cough randomly cough rapidly. They sounded painful as she wheezed for breath in between coughs. It started an irruption in the class. “Addison are you okay?” her friend asked. But Addison didn’t answer. Instead, she began to hold her throat tight with both hands. ‘Ashley is evil’ I thought to myself. She is going to kill Addison! Addison’s friend rushed by her side, “Oh my gosh! Your face!” she exclaimed. Addison’s face generalized hives all over. Although her skin was brown, she was red as a cherry.  Addison was having an allergic reaction!

I’ve only seen this once when we were in elementary school. Addison had an encounter with peanuts while on a field trip to the zoo. Her entire face resembled a red balloon and she coughed uncontrollably, just as she did now. Oh now, Ashley has done something evil. That liquid substance must have contained peanuts. My stomach felt quesey and I began to gag. Some students turned quickly and glanced at me before turning their attention back to Addison. The thought of Ashley causing harm to Addison made me sick!

I watched Ashley jump from her seat and towards Addison. “What are you doing weirdo?” Addison’s friend called out. Ashley ignored her as she went into Addison’s backpack and retrieved her EpiPen. Ashley knew that Addison kept an EpiPen in her backpack, and I did too. But for some reason, I remained stuck in my seat watching the horrific scene play out like a movie. Ashley stabbed the Epipen into Addison’s thigh through her blue jeans. I felt my stomach knotting again while I gagged heavily and loudly. I quickly grabbed my backpack before vomiting into it. I’ve never felt this worse in my life.

I’ve begged my mind to erase the images of that day. Every time I think about it, I think about how I could’ve prevented it. I sat at the lunch table alone as I watched Ashley and Addison across the cafeteria. They were talking and laughing with those who used to be only Addison’s friends. Ashley’s long black hair hung to her waist as Addison’s was also. They both had matching cheer uniforms for the rival basketball game tonight. Months have passed and I never told Ashley’s secret. I convinced myself that Ashley deserved the life she was living. I’ve seen how she is when she’s not friends with Addison. Being lonely, going through high school alone. She deserves the same opportunities as us all; to have a social life, to feel pretty, and be happy. Whom would I be to take that all from her?

I haven’t spoken a word to Ashley, but whenever she sees me, I’m greeted with “Hey friend!”. Followed by a fast wave and bright smile before she goes along with her day. My heart skips a few beats, and my stomach knots every time she says it. I fear Ashley. She’s capable of the worst, hurting someone you once cared for. I knew I would never tell anyone about what Ashley had done, because if she’d hurt someone she was obsessed over, imagine what she’d do to me.

[actuallyanansi]

Do all of them except you switch two answers and don't say which ones

ask and ye shall receive

Yellow: i want to live somewhere with decent public transportation, a large public library, and an international airport nearby, ideally with few cops and fewer natural disasters.

Orange: when i'm not in bed, i usually want to be in bed. when i am in bed, i usually want to still be in bed, but at a nice hotel.

Lilac: my dream is to be in an unfamiliar city with striking features, good food, and a long history, alone, with an internet connection and enough english or french to get by. barring that, a beach resort is fine.

Beige: picture it: two guys, curly hair, perfect smiles, and i was making out with both of them surrounded by soft white linens. people kept walking through the background and interrupting, but they never stayed too long.

White: he was a vegan jock i met sophomore year on a local campus app, and his roommate had just moved out. because i lived at home, way off campus, and never hung out with anyone, our hookup was the first time i had actually seen a dorm room at the college i attended. i remember vividly that his mouth tasted like wet dirt, and i lied to my parents about where i was a lot over the week we spent together—not because it really mattered, but because i could. our whatever we had ended...poorly, but what a rush those first few days were. after he ghosted me, i downloaded grindr.

Purple: he was almost miraculously kind (and also very cute), he took my concerns about covid safety seriously, he bought me dinner on j*ff b*zos' dime, and he let me subject him to the incredible pinoy drama gaya sa pelikula (the best limited television series of 2020, argue with your mother). we still talk daily, and i'm so thankful i met him ☺️

Tangerine: physically, i don't have much of a type. i tend to like guys who are grounded and even-keeled, but interesting enough to keep up with me in conversation. guys who can translate those conversations into making out on the couch. guys with rich inner lives who enjoy my attention without needing it, who enjoy giving me attention in a way that isn't just compulsive. guys who are smart when i am stupid

Gray: he was kinda dumb and probably toxic, and i tell myself i didn't know better at the time, but i did! he also gave me strep 💜 (and i still went back 💜)

Green: i was in the car with my aunt and my dad. he was driving us home from visiting nana in hospice. there was a rainbow over I-75 that lasted for miles. they discussed the details of her car insurance, the will we couldn't find, how my uncle, my dad's twin brother, was supposed to inherit her little house. we were still pretending to hope she would wake up; we were no longer pretending to hope she would wake up. my dad pulled off the highway to stop at a wendy's. we had gone without food for most of the day. the three of us ate in the car and spent a few minutes talking about the new strawberry frosty. my aunt had used a coupon to get hers for free. at some point, we kept driving. there was nothing left to talk about. the rainbow was gone by then.

Gold: he was a friend of a friend, and we spent a few weeks carefully circling the elephant in the room before we finally admitted we were into each other. it was extremely goofy how long it took us to work up the courage to even kiss, but i also don’t regret it. he was a sweetheart, and it’s hard not to think back on it fondly ☺️

Black: as a child, for some reason i knew how to pronounce the word nazi before i knew how to spell it. for some reason after i learned how it was spelled i assumed people had been pronouncing it wrong, and i tried to "correct" it while talking to my mom. the way she laughed…i will never recover, i fear 😔

Blue: i cannot remember the last time i spoke to someone i knew in elementary school. baruch hashem 💜

Magenta: around the age of eleven or twelve, i used to legitimately wonder whether my brother would grow up to meet the requirements for the antichrist, and then i'd feel intense guilt about it

Red: i write poetry against my better judgment. i read, sometimes. i watch video essays. i play piano. i cook, i bake, i listen to podcasts, i doomscroll. i start new obsessions and drop them.

Violet: bestie i didn't even plan on attending the college where i did four years of undergrad, so i'm really not pinning too much hope on any specific school in the future. that being said, i am begging all wealthy potential patrons to make grad school feasible. so mackenzie scott, if you're reading this,,

Brown: our culture puts so many expectations around traditional relationships that it's hard not to feel exhausted, and historically i'm also fairly bad at them. fwbs usually offer less risk and more reward, but also i'm trying to move beyond the idea that either of these has to look like anything in particular.

Peach: i've never taken a class from her per se, but mariame kaba has had a greater impact on my education more than just about any other individual person. as far as actual professors go, dr. jen cohen was a pretty good one, and the only econ professor i had who told the truth about how capitalism worked. (thanks for letting me sit in on your class when i wasn't really supposed to!)

Pink: anansi has such a vast mythology and is kind of an aspirational figure in a lot of ways. (not the part about being a spider.) it's about the subversion of the presupposed order of things, the capacity for gracious failure and the potential for unexpected success, the shaping of a story through its telling and retelling...

[prynnehesters]

went to my hs reunion, here are some highlights:

did not spend any money on food or drink there as there was water/someone bought pizzas and fries for all of us to share. it was alright. the peppers on the pizza were really good

i am probably one of the least successful people there and i should've just lied about bullshit because i could've

looked up myself online and found basically nothing post covid. the cyber sleuthers aren't winning today lmaoo

nobody asked me about my surgery but i don't doubt some ppl are contemplating shit lol

the only people i had issues w were like 4 people who claimed to be my "friends" in school. ngl the last time i met up w them was like, after my first year of uni and i realized we had nothing in common cuz all they talked about was sororities and tinder and i...was not interested in either of those lol

i feel like a lot of the people who didn't go either don't use social media so they didn't see the post, saw it and decided it wasn't worth it to them, lived too far away/plane fare too expensive/parents dont live in area/etc or were busy (which are all valid reasons)

i have more sympathy/respect for the person who came out as a trans woman and basically disappeared after a few years. you're a real one, you were treated really poorly by a good chunk of our grade, and i wish you the best in life

there was a really pretty girl who basically started blocking all of us after she graduated but like...i still don't really understand why bcuz i thought she was relatively well liked but whatever. i remember she tried to be an influencer

another guy who didn't come who was a real asshole to me throughout school apparently got married divorced then married again

most people finished college/uni and went to work. some people got masters. some people were getting phds. idk it's a lot of stuff

one guy who im pretty sure had a crush on me in elementary thru secondary grilled me on everything and basically insulted me lmaooo. he thinks my sibling is married and i live like 1 hr north of where i actually do

one guy became a mean gayTM (which like....werk)

im kind of surprised about who is in a relationship but also like...idk. it's both surprising and not surprising

people still kind of treat me like im an idiot lmaooo

im also kind of glad that i dont run the same circles as most of these people. they don't go to the bars i go to. they don't have the same religion as me. most of them are straight. most of them don't like the same music i do. i also mostly just don't do anything except going to the library and playing video games so werk lol. it pays to be weird ig

im safe for another 10 years maybe (depending on what happens lol)

have some memes about how i felt for the night:

maybe i will send weird memes to one of them like a month from now and see what happens lol. but tbh that's more for my therapist to deal w in a bit lol

i also made a joke abt having my sibling pretend to be me in like 10 years and i come as her second but idk if that'll work

[brickvue]

Thank You

The unveiling of Brickvue Elementary was a huge success! I'm so grateful to all of those that came out to check out the display. Folks young and old and from Bellevue and other communities stopped by to see it, add a minifigure, and get pictures with the model. I couldn't be happier with the outcome and the support of the community, my family, and friends to make this project come to life.

Across the two hours we had the disply open, I'd say we had at least 200 people visit. Some folks were Northgate alums who attended when the elementary school was the high school. Some were kids that were going to be going into Kindy at the school. Many, of course, were students at the school. It was so cool to see a melting pot of folks across generations care about this space and value the impact it had on them.

I got many questions, like how was it designed, how did I move it, how many bricks did I use, did I use a computer to design it. All great questions - some of you may be wondering. Here are some of the basic stats I recited multile times throughout the night.

Took about 5 months to build

Model is built on a modular grid so it can snap apart and back together with ease

The model features interactive components, such as walls opening like doors or the front facade opening like a double-door entrance so that students could put figures inside and also get a sense of how to build their own interactive components.

The white plates inside of the school represent the classrooms, which students in the school can design several times throughout the year. I hope this becomes a special activity.

The white plates are built on a moderately stable system of four-pillars per level, which while not being an ideal design choice relative to proper stability, does allow students to remove the plates, design on them, then stack them back into place.

The courtyard/playground area is unfinished - I left that for the students to build as I felt they'd have the most fun making that and I couldn't frankly wrap my head around how to do it.

The model will be there permanently, though perhaps not in the configuration/placement you saw it last night. I'm hoping that it will stay in good shape over time, though, of course, I'll be fixing it up from time to time.

The process behind the design was intentionally analog. I did not want to use a computer to build the model whatsoever. What you saw/have seen is a completely improvised design. LEGO, in my opinion, is best experienced when it is improvised. That's where the true creativity lies and so I wanted to replicate that as much as possible. It was also important to me that the young builders looking at the model could figure out how it was built or build their own or *ideally* make something they felt was better or an improvement.

I want to thank Erin for supporting not just this model, but Brickvue, and LEGO Bayne Library projects from start to finish. Thanks to Amelia for helping be build the model and working on the inside support columns for the classrooms. Special thanks to Sanghee and her family and Sandi Douglas for donating to the project. Last but certainly not least, my gratitude to Dr. Amick, Bellevue Elementary School principal, for supporting this project, enhancing it, offering the school to be the models permanent home, helping me transport it to the school, and put it back together.

I like to do projects in counts of three. This is the last of my Brickvue "trilogy" of projects. I've put a profound amount of time, money, and effort into designing these experiences and I need to take a much-needed break. I am hoping to do some commission work (if anyone is interested, let me know) and builds with Amelia. Nevertheless, I hope that some of the builders in Bellevue, regardless of age or experience, can follow my lead and put their own projects into public display. I'd be thrilled to see Bellevue embrace building like this.

[diaryofaquarterlifecrisis]

Day 3: Why are you the best candidate for this job?

I'm passionate. I also know I'm young but my soul withers like the willow tree I almost hit this morning driving in because the debt collector was blowing up my phone demanding the $500 it took in order to save my kidneys from failing after the boy that abused me for hours and days on end wouldn't let me leave the bed with his filth between my legs because " I was so good it would be a waste to let me go even for a moment".

I'm a team player. And yes I know I'm young but I can barely work Microsoft Excel let alone social media. I would rather sit all day underneath the willow tree and write love poems to a man I will never meet because I will be working at this job until the day I die or until you fire me because I worked too much overtime covering the single mom who had to go get her kids from daycare because their baby daddy is in jail again for selling cocaine in order to pay child support and the rent.

Im dependable. Again yes I know I'm young for this position, but Im not like those tik tok kids you see flaunting their old money like I flaunted my ripped jeans in elementary school not because it was in fashion but because mom didn't get paid for another 2 weeks and I had already torn through my new school clothes in the first quarter so, I have to make it work.

I'm smart and trainable. I know I am young for this position but I did attend college and received my bachelors in a field and my family friend said once when I was 16 and we were in his motel room, that I was very mature for my age and could learn a thing or two before going off to college next year so that I wasn't shocked by the things all those "college boys" would ask me to do with them. I trained for an entire summer and was once shocked by what those boys asked me to do.

I know Im young for this position but the price of living is way too damn high and no one cares about the blood, sweat, tears, hours, and years that I put into making myself wantable enough for at least a job to need me and say they're proud of me. So here I am applying for the 50th $17.50 job that I'm overqualified for because the field I have a degree in is nothing but sorrow and lies and politics and I was never all that good at making a difference.

But I'm passionate.

Best,

Quarterlifecrisis

[dogthorcesschet]

Friends Come And Go.

Developmental Psychology (SSY 240)

Date: October 2, 2019

Friendships

Growing up, I have gained, lost, and kept many friendships. Through all the toughest times, I’ve learned that friends are family we create. I have learned that as Allan Shroufe mentioned, we truly do negotiate our trust with our friends. I was once told by a wise soul, that we cannot choose who our family is, but we can surely choose our friends who will become them. So with that said, I have been very selective with my friends. So over time, I have made, kept, and lost many friends along the way of my pursuing success. By success, I mean in my life in general and my goals for the future. I have friends that I go way back up since elementary school, and I surely have more friends from high school. Although, my past friends and I aren’t as close as we were then, I know I can always count on them. They have been such a blessing to have and I am very grateful for each one of them who stayed, even when the roads were as rocky as they can get. Though I haven’t seen them in years, I still remember our time together as if it were yesterday.

When I was in elementary school, I had a group of friends I called my best friends. We named our group as TAPAT, T for Tamara, A for Anastasiya, P for Princess, A for Anthoulla, and T for Tiffany. We were inseparable then. We goofed around, we played, we had endless conversations about everything, shared our secrets, fought about the smallest things and made up soon after the day had ended. We did everything together. We celebrated each other’s birthdays and had slumber parties. Of course, with our age at the time we also did some rebellious things like trespass and take a day off from school just to watch TV and spend time with our boyfriends all together. Sadly, my relationships with them didn’t last. Except for one, Anthoulla and I remain friends until this day.

Everything changed once we entered high school. I lost a great deal of our relationship then. First it was Anastasiya. I lost her friendship when she found out that I had slept with her friend’s ex boyfriend, which I was not aware of. His name was Carlos. Carlos told me that he and Anastasiya’s friend were already broken up completely. And I wasn’t aware that it would hurt her if I dated him. Anastasiya was furious when she found out, and asked me if it were true. Once I told her the truth because she was my best friend and I wouldn’t have lied to her, she lost her trust with me. And our friendship never recovered after it.

Tamara flocked along side with her since Tamara was closer with her than she was with me. Tamara never fought or argued with me, though she was the most feisty of all of us. She once told me “I can never get mad at you, you’re too kind.” And that was the end of it. But Tiffany and I remained friends. Up until she had forgotten my birthday during the summer. Though that wasn’t the only reason why I was upset with her, it did hurt me with a great amount and couldn’t see her as my best friend after all we’ve been through together. This, though, was something I had regretted I’d done. She was dear to me, and I was too selfish to understand that she might have been going through something and had forgotten to tell me, or was influenced by Anastasiya’s malice thinking. The question remains unanswered till this day. But I miss her now, as I see her grow into this beautiful mother she has become.

Anthoulla and I also lost our friendship for a friendship of another. Just like all three of my close friends, she and I also lost our relationship during high school. For many years we didn’t speak to each other, and 10 years later, today, we’re now on good terms with each other. She’s found her best friends and I also have myself. Our friendship was broken because I told her something that her friend was hiding from her, and her friend denied it and so she took her anger out on me. And since I knew I was right, I paid her no mind. So when she found out the truth, she came back and called me crying on the phone. But it was too late, I had lost my empathy for her because she questioned my loyalty and trust. Fast forward 10 years, and here we are, friends again. Though we haven’t had the time to grab lunch together and catch up, we have surely kept in touch through social media and send messages here and there.

Though I have lost my elementary school best friends during highschool, I still gained some more friends over my time in Flushing High School. Friends that I’ve also had a rough patch with over the course of my five year toxic relationship with my ex boyfriend who was very controlling. Today, though, I can say that we are still good friends and have been able to look past our differences and let go of our grudges from then. I keep in touch with three of my good friends from High School. The fight we had from five years ago, to think of it now, was such a very insignificant miscommunication. I was involved with a start-up company that sold coffee, and I invited my very close friend to one of our events. He took it upon himself that I had invited him to test it out on him and see how well the coffee worked on him. Which was a false accusation, because that was not at all my intention. My intentions were that he’d fall in love with the coffee himself that he would end up wanting to do the business of selling them with me and start a business together. I imagined that it would be a perfect opportunity to work with one of my best friends and become successful together. Though that wasn’t what happened, I still apologized for how wrong it went down.

Although the situation was very minimal and was almost insignificant, it meant a great deal for my friend, and I apologized to him, even contacted him from time to time all through those five years I spent completely apart from him. Until just very recently, we finally had a good long conversation over the phone and he gave me a chance to right my wrongs by apologizing. We haven’t found the right time to spend some quality time in person to catch up on what we’ve missed out on with each other, but as soon as we find the time, I’m hoping it would be like as it was when we used to be close. I don’t expect us to do the same things we did back in High School, but I do hope to present ourselves with no boundaries and have a swell time together and be as if we never separated.

Back in High School, I’ve also wronged many of my other good friends. I was a straight A student from my freshman year up until junior year. But as I’ve had my issues with troubles at home and with my love life, I began to drift into another path way. I stopped hanging out with my school oriented friends and began to skip my classes to go out in the park and take substances my parents would not have approved of. Instead of participating in school activities and volunteering to do work for our community, I missed them and hung out with a friend who influenced me to be the worst version of myself. But even with all of that my close friend, Mensur, one whom I invited to taste coffee with me and took it the wrong way, still accepted me as I was. Which is why I consider myself very lucky and blessed to have such a great friend like him to be around with.

Not only did I regain my friendship with him, I also met my best friend this year. She's the one I can call my best friend because even with the short amount of time we’ve known each other, we go together like bread and butter. Our friendship is built on trust, care, and love. When we’ve decided to call each other best friends over a lunch date, we set up some rules for each other. We had rules like, if we ever fought we would give each other space to think and make sure to forgive each other and make up the day of or the next day. We also set a rule that we’d never date each other’s ex boyfriends, and that we would always do our best to keep each other as friends for as long as we can live.

Andrea, my best friend, and I have yet to fight over anything. But we do have some issues about trying to be nice to each other, and I think that is our weakness. We both are too kind to each other, but that is our blessing. We understand each other and want the best for our friendship.

Allan Shroufe sure was right about our friends. Along the course of my 25 years of life, one thing I truly believe, and agree with Shroufe, is that our friends demand trust. The start of a relationship with a future husband or wife is friendship, and then the two become a family, and the cycle goes on. Friendship goes very well hand in hand with family, which is why it is important for us to choose our friends very wisely. And if there was one thing that I’d take away from my past experiences with losing friends, is that forgiveness is key. Forgiveness and admitting one’s wrongs are the key to successful friendships and relationships.

[crown-09]

Unforgettable moments gives us the memories that lasts forever.

An Autobiography.

I'll disclose my Name but I was born on the day the Jewish New Year, it is one of Judaism's holiest days. Meaning "head of the year or "first of the year"

My friends find me very caring, funny, but sometimes serious. I am like their go-to man who can offer variety of solutions to their situation even if it deals with family or school. I like to keep to myself most of the time, what i always tell myself is "Dont trust no one." The reason i keep telling this to myself it's because ive been lied to plenty of times and others changed into a different person towards me. Regardless I can confidently say that I am ready for my future. But I am looking for a good opportunity in which l can make a contribution to the welfare of the company which I will work for. Along with this experience, I hope to develop myself to keep pace with the changes of the era in my profession.

I had a difficult childhood because my parents were always working. I always wanted to meet new faces, enjoy diversity, and see new places. School is an exceptionally important phase in my life Elementary, middle school, and high school are the places where besides our homes we learn most of our principles and moral values. I consider high school as the most important chapters in my life, This is where lI'm having my own circle of friends, participating in school activities and also making money since l'm a working student and I'm proud to say that I'm a Scholar. As an outgoing person, who loves to do many performances and enjoys all sports. One of my memorable experience is that on the 2022 Election I have had the courage to stand up for my country and for things I believe are right. I have a fondness for joking around, but also know when it is not the right time to do so. Though I do find myself getting in heated arquments, and pointless tiffs but what can I say it is who I am, Froiland who wants to be a person who accomplishes all of his goals in Life.

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

23 may 2023 Tuesday 12:07 pmpt

My mom has brown skin. When she was a kid 👦🏾 she said people called her a word that means black. Bcz she walked 2 miles to school 🏫 and discipline at her school 🏫 was to stand outside in the sun ☀️ Bcz it’s HOT 🥵 outside . 12:09 pmpt I think 💭 said also said she had to go home 🏠 on breaks to help take care of brothers and sisters 👯‍♀️ at home 🏠 who were babies 👶. 12:11 pmpt I have a lot of automatic thoughts 💭 that contradict each other probably. I would probably find out if I wrote all down. When I shared in 2nd grade my color pencil ✏️ and markers I did not discriminate. 12:13 pmpt In 4th grade (vag hot 🥵 acid pain 12:14 pmpt) I had for a short time a best friend named ebony king 🤴. But when I came back from counseling for children 👶 going through divorce I got mad at her for borrowing with out asking first. After that she stopped being my friend and wouldn’t talk to me anymore. She was very tall compared to me. She didn’t do anything wrong I guess but I think 💭 I might have had a change of heart ♥️ about sharing my stuff. It could have been Bcz of the divorce. 12:19 pmpt I also had a secret valentines I had to buy a gift 🎁 for and my mom put a lot of thought 💭 into the gift 🎁 and bought a nice coffee mug ☕️ and bought candy 🍬 to go in it. I believe she bought it thinking about what the parents would find most useful. She didn’t think 💭 about what color skin they had. Only what was probably a good gift 🎁. That was elementary school 🏫 to a boy 👦🏾 named fermen. My first ex boyfriend’s cousin is “blasian” and he’s one of the nicest friendliest guys I’ve ever met. 12:25 pmpt like I’ve written b4, if I think 💭 you’re nice I’ll give a chance for friendship but if I’m not attracted to you and you cross the line with out permission you’re not always going to get a welcomeing response. You might be “friend zoned.” But it is not always permanent as was the case with my first ex boyfriend. 12:28 pmpt but I guess it don’t matter anymore Bcz I am not well. 12:29 pmpt 12:32

12:33 pmpt tummy ache difficulty breathing

12:36 brought-> bought. 12:32 b->b4

12:40 pmpt. B4 4th grade pictures I dropped from the tallest bar on the playground doing a failed cherry 🍒 drop and landed 🛬 with my face flat in the tanbark. When I was 13 years old I was in the Philippines 🇵🇭 and I hit my head on probably the most dense wood 🪵 bench I’ve ever encountered in my life. The Janka hardness must have been extremely high. That was btwn 7th and 8th grade years. 12:43 pmpt

1:24 pmpt my feelings and actions were probably due to an incubus spell. I will not hold anything against Esther for what she thought 💭 or felt about me. If she was scared 😱 Bcz of something I said or the way I said something, I understand now. I didn’t like the way Scott said Pearl Harbor to me when he told me that was his birthday 🥳 , but it seems that fate is not in my favor anyway. All my organs have felt pain and I’m probably going to die soon 🔜. 1:28 pmpt

6:48 pmpt yesterday and today I momentarily felt the true pain of some of my organs. I think 💭 2 felt sore yesterday and today I felt one was bruised. They’re able to turn off the sensations of pain for the organs. They make me upset turning me on my belly and the organs probably get bruised and squeezed. 6:51 pmpt 6:52 pmpt he lied 🤥 to me about being my husband. So I should probably assume when he says that dugard wasn’t raped, I’m going to assume it is a habitual pattern of lies. 6:53 pmpt

7:06 pmpt I was conceived probably in my mom’s home 🏠 country so I will probably die soon 🔜 and be returned there. 7:07 pmpt

7:08 pmpt I feel like the tv 📺 and internet are being used to gas ⛽️ light 💡 me. (Pain 7:09 pmpt spine lower) left hip bone 🦴 not good pain probably acid 7:10 pmpt) I had a lot of illness and discomfort in my life through various things. I’m not happy with the way I am (right foot 🦶 bottom pain 😖😭 7:11 pmpt) going. Since age 32 I experiencedalmost non stop 🛑 hellish pain and agony. 7:12 pmpt the Virgin Mary story is something you don’t want for your life. During covid a lot of people got stabbed in the nose 👃 for the tests and I read some people got stabbed when they got the vaccine 💉. If you feel depressed you know who to beware of now for being prejudged. I don’t have the answers to everything but I seemed to have been offered at age 5 what my fate was going to be - predetermined preset 🤖 in a way that seemed initially less vilifying of me. 7:17 pmpt if you get raped it was preset by god. But to save his face he’s going to defend the rapist until the end of his life. 7:19 pmpt I guess when a new god takes over that’s when the rapists fall Bcz it’s the end of both their lives and the new god is not bound to that set of people. 7:20 pmpt hypothesis.

2:59 am pt the incubus miñion who lives on the floor of this hotel 🏨 has been eating my flesh with acid. It seems to be there favorite things to do = torture me. Same as child rapists demon angels. 3:01 am pt

3:03 am pt I’ve already told them to chop off my head. But they won’t end my suffering. All at the same time they ate a layer of flesh I think 💭 in my nose 👃 my vag and I think 💭 one other area. I got upset so I forgot which part. He is definitely not a loving husband to me so he probably is lying 🤥 about child rape ending. Which is probably why I am dying prematurely Bcz he is heinous. 3:07 am pt my cousin’s friend who was raped as a child... I forgot to ask how old she is now but my cousin is 21 now. 3:09 am pt which means that he (Adam Noah Levine) made child rape happen. 3:09 am pt and he probably was already exercising the authority to make those decisions. 3:10 am pt he said himself porn makes the world 🌎 go round and he likes donuts 🍩 with vanilla sprinkles so what else falls closely to that ? Kidnapping and rape/forced prostitution = porn? 3:12 am pt I never bought porn but sometimes I hear 👂 on the news 📰 child pornography but they never say what exactly is in it. If it’s of 15/16 year olds or younger. 3:14 am pt anyone who tortures a woman 👩🏼 with accelerated premature path to menopause and death ☠️ is probably an aggressive advocate of child 🧒 rape. Why would they cut down a woman 👩🏼 so aggressively that she feels her life is over at 32? Bcz men are only interested in child porn. Rapid turn over is needed then. 3:18 am pt

3:21 am pt the world 🌎 seems to be taken over by heinous goat 🐐 lecherous men who only value women b4 they turn 27 years old. 3:22 am pt they decided they don’t want anyone older than that. 3:23 am pt

3:31 am pt expect everyone who makes a lot of money 💰 to be ⛽️ gas lighting Bcz they want your trust and business back. Stuff online changes all the time. As was the case with a Sierra LaMar article saying that the call for help from Sierra over the internet was a hoax suddenly says it was located in the Philippines 🇵🇭. I was very shocked 😮 by this sudden addition to the article after I wrote I suspected the police 👮‍♂️ were the ones helping with Sierra’s disappearance. They’ve been stocking me it seems Bcz they’re Scott’s friends. And now it looks like Scott’s friends are apart of covering up 🆙 for Sierra’s disappearance so they think 💭 they’re being sly

3:38 am pt I know I’m dying 😵 a very tortured death ☠️ Bcz demon angels like torturing anyone even 11 year old dugard and others with rape for years. So obviously I won’t win. I have no more will or strength to try much. 3:41 am pt but I think 💭 framing antolin with crimes he didn’t do and writing ✍️ off her cry 😭 for help.... points in a specific direction. 3:43 am pt right arm pain... a direction....

queen 👸🏻 of isolation I am... in desolation. 3:44 am pt