#i also haven't even told my partners yet what i think it might be bc i am so afraid to speak it out loud

[onyourstageleft]

tw: pet health, animal sickness, cancer mention

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idk how to do a read more on mobile sorry y'all but this is your chance to scroll on

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so Peggy has some lumps under her skin. we noticed them on Tuesday night, there's two of them close together on her hip. called the vet this morning and they got her in at 2pm and took a biopsy and they'll call me back either Saturday or Monday with what's going on, they won't speculate or anything, but I did the very unwise pet parent thing and took to Google and based on everything I can find it is most likely fibrosarcoma which is a difficult to treat cancer and also expensive bc it involves surgery and continuous radiation/chemotherapy for several months and frankly I don't care how much it costs I will go into all the debt for this cat, I have a 9k limit on CareCredit and am unafraid to max it out + my other credit cards it's not even the money that bothers me, but if I'm right about what it is the prognosis isn't great for long term health and that is going to break me. She's my baby, she's only 7, she was literally the only thing keeping me from going off the deep end at some points in college, she's supposed to meet the kids I want to have in a few years, she's been here for most of my adult life and I will absolutely lose my sanity if I lose her anytime in the next few years. she has to make it to 10, ideally she'd be around for another 10 years past that but I'm realistic, I know 12 is perfectly reasonable so that's what the goal has always been, I literally can't do this without her. and my partners love her SO. MUCH. Peyton dotes on her, he's only been around for 5 of those years but he is so so in love with this cat, she is our baby, I would be lost without her so uhh if this turns out to be what I am afraid it is, don't be surprised if long form rant text posts become more common here bc I will absolutely lose more than a shred of my sanity.

also I guess don't be surprised if you see some sort of fundraising post from me in the future bc while I am unafraid to max out credit cards those bitches will want their money back at some point and I am unfortunately not a rich bitch, although quite frankly that is the least of my priorities rn, I just want to do whatever I possibly can for my baby. logically I know that I've done what I can but the anxiety is running away with me rn. like what if the tiny spot I felt on her a couple months ago and then couldn't find again when I looked for it was this before it got big what if I could have caught it earlier I should have been more diligent in checking or made a note of exactly where the tiny spot was initially so even if I couldn't find it again maybe the vet could have? I know I didn't put it off substantially and I really trust this vet they've been great but I could HEAR her as they were trying to numb and biopsy the spots she was so angry at them and once they shaved the area it looks SO much bigger than we could feel, like we knew there was one spot but were iffy on a second one and you can see them so clearly now they're big and slightly discolored and I am afraid. thankfully she hasn't been acting any different like she was literally having zoomies this morning but the idea of not having her zooming around makes me want to crawl into a bog and be preserved for a thousand years okay

anyway i know I've posted pics of her at some point but it's been a while so idk what I tagged them or where to find them but if you believe in literally anything at all I would appreciate an appeal on her behalf like I know there are so so many bigger things going on but Peggy Sue is my baby. other alises include Soupy Peg, Miss Ma'am, Peggum, Pegasus, Peggle, Soupiest, etc if you would like to be specific.

okay I'm gonna go take a bath now and try to read a book bc I need to not be on the internet rn, let's all spare a collective thought for my sanity

[aranarumei]

okay watched ep 2 of fhjy and as anyone might imagine I've got thoughts. under the cut.

lots of fun things this episode! haven't watched the AP yet btw. i'm mostly writing these down myself so I'll go character-by-character, but some overall stuff about the episode:

whatever episode one was doing really paid off here. by itself, the full episode of battle, apart from being excited by all the new intros, was a bit frustrating especially since I wasn't sure how they were actually going to be able to reel the night yorb in, but they did it in this one! with lots of time left over for other stuff.

and with both episodes out, (as i suspected) that really frustrating feeling from episode 1 carries a lot more meaning--brennan making everyone fight those minions was perfect icing on the cake. as well as all those personal troubles at the end. but that gets into character stuff, so:

riz:

riz gukgak is one of my favorite characters in the universe. when i watched fhsy baron happened and i obsessively took notes the whole season bc i was like. riz is aroace and i can prove it. as you can imagine i nearly died when my green heaven released

anyways, pretty much everything riz has done has been so, so, on brand for what I'd think he'd do, so that's great--i feel like I haven't gone wrong in understanding him, which is cool

one of the big things that seems like we'll be getting this season is riz's attachment to his friends, by which i mean he feels like he can't hang out with them unless there's a job to be done. he's got this bit in the boys' night extra where riz says "it's usually like we kind of have this whole group dynamic where all of us come together and we solve these problems together. and when I don’t have a problem to solve, I don’t know what to do with myself." which is pretty much exactly what's going on here. as brennan phrases it, riz has basically just told his mother "I have a pretty a hard time connecting to my dearest friends whose lives I've saved many times unless there's a problem, so I can feel useful."

and this like... deep sense of anxiety around being alone, that's kind of a really deep part of riz's character, right? penny luckstone was his babysitter--closest thing he had to a friend. riz cares a lot about the case, but he probably also cared about the only connection he really had. and now the bad kids are his connections. he wants to be with them, like, forever, and half of his worries about all those romantic entanglements is that everyone is going to prioritize themselves and their romantic partners above him, and since he doesn't... want that kind of thing, where does that leave him? alone? forever? with no place to belong? he's already one of the only goblins we ever see in the whole time we've been in the land of spyre.

and I think what's really heartbreaking about this, at least to me, is that riz so clearly and obviously loves and adores his friends. he doesn't have a problem expressing his love! and I don't think he really even doubts that his friends love him, too. it's just that. i don't think he can deal with the possibility of being without them. and he doesn't know if the fact that they like each other is enough to keep them together. but hey, world-saving does.

sklonda was so good this episode, too. was particularly affected by when she told riz "you do everything for other people, and I want to make sure that you don't get your heart broken" because it's just... yeah. also that's such a real struggle money-wise with college in particular... I really kind of hoped we could maybe help sklonda out with her case, but, it is her job, after all. see where riz gets his board from haha. but seriously, she's just... such a good mother. every time the gukgaks interact it's so warm to me because riz and sklonda just... so obviously care for each other, so carefully. like. not a single bit of resentment or frustration coming from riz once sklonda tells him he might need some to put some extra pressure on himself, and it's partially being fine with pressure, partially not acknowledging his problems, and partially that he's just a good kid and knows his mother's doing the best for him. so he'll do that for her, too.

who bets that riz will not talk about any sad feelings in front of his friends this season!!! anyways that was so goddamned long, because I'm crazy about riz. the rest will be way quicker

anyways no one except ME is reading this. haha.

fig:

so, I'm fully convinced that gilear and fig swapped lucks. the sour, curdling feeling? very gilear yogurt. also the kicker was icing on her shirt. real yogurt moment there. and with all these kisses of fortune gilear's getting, I'm convinced that's what's happened for fig. very interested to see how that messes with her coolness

I'm also really interested in fig actually taking bard classes. i do have to wonder how it might go... I know emily like, does music, so I wonder if any of her knowledge there might come in handy

also very interested in seeing how any of the aguefort quangle stuff is gonna mess with things this season! even the little bit of ayda we saw was so good.

kristen:

so, like, obviously, cassandra's not doing so hot, because they've only got two followers. i think it's really interesting how non-pressuring they are towards kristen because like. for all the pestering they don't actually seem to outright mention that they aren't doing so great

also kristen seems in a pretty bad place this semester, but I'm hoping that the stark reality of expulsion is actually going to make her think about like, getting her life together. i'm really interested to see where it'll go because like. i dunno. i'm not much of an evangelizer myself.

more than tracker being away, it must sting additionally that like, apart from being in a possible breaking up state, tracker, right now, is being the like, perfect cleric. like she is reforming and adding nuance to her faith and stuff in a really really big way!! which is the kind of achievements kristen should be doing. but you know. they're world saving and things are... they're pretty tiring. (must've been nice talking about the moon goddess during eternal night, i bet)

ragh is also back and i'm so glad bc i love ragh. also 100% that red crystal lydia barkrock's been dealing with is gonna be relevant. i really hope that he has somewhat of a presence this season because like, he was around in fhsy, but ragh's like... idk, he's cool, and I feel like he's rich enough in character that he's got places to go?

adaine:

loved the little aelwyn mention. that nemesis abjuration is such a deeply aelwyn way of looking out for her sister

i am really excited to see adaine trying to get a job, personally. and i do hope we get to see more of zayn darkshadow bc he's just a really chill and nice minor npc in my opinion

fabian:

i love fabian's parents as equally as i hate them, and this scene exemplified it. they like... give him things, and look after him, but they're not really... supportive, are they? in an emotional way. no time to talk, and he's 18 now, so they're totally fine leaving him alone for months. they can be the cool parents that let him throw awesome parties. and hallariel saying it's a great thing to be his father's son... I don't know, bill seacaster's like, kind of a shithead?

so that'll be interesting. and he wanted to go to dance camp...! i hope he really does get to explore that passion more during the school year. truthfully i have to wonder how his grades are... riz and adaine are doing great, fig and kristen are doing terribly, gorgug is probably not the greatest considering his rage, but fabian? I'd be interested in knowing what's up with that

also they don't directly answer whether they're taking all the staff iirc, but judging by how hallariel mentions that food is just set up with an account, it may be that he can't even like, talk to cathilda or anything. which sucks!! it really does suck.

gorgug:

in some ways, zelda and gorgug breaking up was a little anticipated. still, it does suck. but it's not like he really had the time for anything

i wonder how this interacts with the timeline of the seven: that's in her junior year and sam seems to still refer to gorgug as zelda's boyfriend, and stuff, so I wonder if it's a retcon or I've got the timeline wrong or that I haven't quite finished actually watching the seven. anything could be fine--personally I think gorgug and zelda work really well as solo characters, so like, who knows

edit: in the AP brennan said zelda graduated so the events of the seven have likely already happened... that does bring up the question of why things dont line up but like. i can handwave time shenanigans in my head. especially with the quangle.

could be kinda fun if gorgug and ragh bonded a bit more this season.

thistlesprings are great parents, of course. love that they offered to fix the hangvan, or work on it together, and I'm really hoping their supportive energy is gonna help gorgug out this year. i have to wonder if there's gonna be any strangeness with gorgug meeting any of the thistlespring extended family, now that they're hosting this festival

speaking of this festival, it's the same one that sklonda's working a case related to!! i want to get my claws into this mystery so bad

ok that's about everything. gonna watch the AP now! my final thoughts... it's so frustrating that these bad kids have saved the world multiple times over and done so many things, and it's not like... enough, not even close. but that's a very real thing I felt during junior year of high school and that I'm sure many people felt--that I'd spent all this time developing myself as a person and becoming better and doing some pretty interesting stuff, in my opinion, but when I put it all out on like a resume or a college application or whatever, it looked like nothing. even though it was absolutely meaningful and important, it was nothing.

[eric-the-bmo]

eep I'm bad at thinking of questions, any fun facts about your characters??? ooh or actually I've just been discussing music, what kinda music do your characters listen to?

[this might be rambe-y im so sorry lmao]

oooh!!! yes i like this one, Music Time

John listens to folk punk and whatever genre Lore Huron and Hozier are. (also a bit of vocaloid, solely because of Shelby)

Theodore listen to like. Cool electronic music. Haven't determined the exact genre but its very Computer

Once again I don't know the genre but I think Leo doesn't quite have a favorite genre? Since his memories got blasted he's not quite sure anymore, but in my brain I associate him with Matt Maeson a lot since I was listening to his songs a bunch when creating him.

Annabelle's setting has a 1920s kind of vibe (at least the kingdom she lives in does), and so she enjoys that kind of old-timey jams!

Ven and John actually have like, really similar music tastes, sans the vocaloid bc it doesnt exist in Ven's universe. Folk Punk is Ven's guilty pleasure

I... I don't think Apollo listens to music. Like I dont think the City has any save for idk, Latin choirs or whatever.

....has Rhidian even heard music since he became a Nothic. bro does he know what that is /hj

Murmur listens to like. So much vocaloid/pop/electronic music. They love it sm they blast it near 24/7 into their earbuds

hmm Fun Facts (a mix of Character and Developmental):

Theodore admitted during the White House Heist (have I even told yall about that) that he's been thrown out of a window before

Theodore's got a roommate named Steve and like. He was only around for the first session and I miss him sm, that guy was great

Theo please stop skipping your fucking classes

Ven likes peppermint tea. Peppermint tea is also known to help with headaches, which he gets a lot!

Shelby was 22 when she met John (aka hit him with her car)

Shelby was also intended to be a self-insert when I first made her; she was the Mundane for MoTW, but then I got to wondering "what if she and John were friends" and the rest was history

She's also a twitch streamer solely bc i realized she needed a job and that was the funniest option to me

John's limbs are very long in proportion to the rest of his body! His arms are like, Super Long

Rhidian dislikes touch; not only because it's been a Very Long Time since anyone's touched him, but also because he wants the first person he touches to be his girlfriend- once she gets a physical body, of course (they are going to hold hands and kiss <3)

Annabelle is So Adamant in the fact she's not part of Warrick's family; she's his secretary, and not his daughter, thank you very much- but she always participates during Family Game Night

She also would like collecting vinyls :-)

Leo's heterochromia happened because I couldn't determine which eye color he should have, and so I gave him Both

His eyes have become my Favorite Thing about them, and there's like. So much symbolism in them dude. I'd ramble more but my fellow VtM players follow me here.

On the subject of Leo, he was originally created in 2020 as an entity that lived in TV static and would try to drag people in, as he was desperate for company- as you can see, he's changed A Lot from his original concept

Leo's original concept has since been recycled for a potential Rapture Heights monster that I've taken to calling Hijack.

Apollo and Leo both have a habit of holding their hands together when they miss their partner/exes- and it's actually a habit I myself have picked up.

John's whole NotDeer thing started because I had told a librarian about him, and admitted I didn't know what kind of monster he was yet- and she asked if he was a deer monster due to his last name. Thank you Ms Librarian u changed his entire trajectory thank u <3

Did you know there's a visual novel about a character also John Doe? He's eerily similar to mine in terms of visual, I think

Valentine was created after/ while I was reading the DIE comic series- the main character's scene in prison was the main inspiration for him.

Due to enchantment magic having the potential to be used for Awful Things, I explicitly made Valentine to be a sex-repulsed asexual, and intended for him to be aromantic as well.

Valetine killed Velma (yeah, from Scooby Doo) during his one-shot

Oh, and fun fact about me: in my dnd server, I'm the reason there's a rule stating that one-shot characters need to be able to breathe <3

[vanillatalc]

hello

having a bit of a strug with a baby trans woman who has like REALLY imprinted onto me as some kind of guiding force of womanhood (awful notion but i also fully understand it so im not mad or angry just like it makes me a bit uncomfortable) + im finding it like a bit overwhelming bc i really dont have much emotional energy as is atm for obvious reasons so like i know im gonna have to say something (very kindly!!! bc she is so innocent in this + it's literally not her fault at all) but argh im actually so fucking bad at this kind of thing when i actually like the person in question :( it's sooo much easier if they're horrible

was sooo sleepy all day, i had planned on getting a bunch of wig work done this weekend but i just rly haven't... oh well

decided where to get my hair cut this week (probs wednesday) - i was going to go tmr but they are closed on mondays wat... and tina (!!) is on tuesday so im leaving that day otherwise free for general contemplation lol

had really really good sex w/ ben this weekend + i was thinking in the shower about new relationships vs long-term rships + how like new rships are kind of exciting etc but that i actually wouldnt trade what me and ben have now for all the butterflies in any butterfly farm. then i went in and told him this bc im trying to be more demonstrative + also practising for the wedding when i will have to do like PDA. ben's response was literally like "are you ok??? do you think im going to leave you???" SCREAM :( (i tell him i love him allll the time ftr im just naturally a bit more reserved interpersonally than i think i might seem on here lol like i dont really like saying really emotional stuff!! even to the love of my life!!!!) anyway i was just thinking how like the sex in particular has only got better the longer we've been together + how im excited to see where the rest of our lives take us. not just sexually just you know. generally

ben also made me laugh so fucking much the other night when we were watching tiktok videos + we were doing one of those stupid "which one of these would your partner prefer!!" slideshows + he was so appalled by all my food choices for him that he was like "no that's it, we're eating out more, you give me the worst possible options" and writing it down it sounds so unfunny but i was like absolutely cackling at his indignation at my picks omg also, wedding bullshit under the cut, for people who either dont care or are ideologically opposed (correctly)

i paid the final venue payment this eve w/ that money my mum sent me, it was painful to do it lmao but that's done now, knocked a significant chunk off the "to pay" column. think we'll be fine now, ben's got some savings, i still have a decent chunk of money left, im just paranoid that there will be some other random hidden costs that pop up at some point. anyway we're def not going into any debt for it

we wrote our vows today (in like, 10 min) + submitted our ceremonies guidelines to the council. i was a big nuisance while ben was writing his + kept being like "are u crying yet?" then i read his and cried :( lol :( i know a lot of people keep them secret but i think we cba about this one bc we had to upload them to the council website anyway so it would have been a massive hassle to keep them secret. think ben's plan is to do a speech later that im not allowed to see beforehand tho

[morkofday]

Helloooo. Hope I am not too late coming in with a prompt? Because we talked about this the other day, could I request for an edit with a BBxVV crossover. With Talay or just Sea in the BB universe, or any AU you deem fit. I just want to see the 4 of them together in one set? You can go crazy with it, however you feel. 💙

mimi! as you kind of got confused by my interest post all that time ago, you get the honor to be the first one to receive your gift!

here it is

i told you already that this isn't Exactly what you asked for but this idea plagued my mind for a long while and i thought it came close enough to be fitting (they're all in the same set! it's kind of an au! am not wrong!).

i also know you and i thought you might appreciate getting something like this either way ♥ so i hope you like it and thank you so, so much for being here with me through this all ♥

(a couple more thoughts under the cut - for anyone interested in hearing stories about my edits and the thought process behind them!)

ok so first of all, a bit of an explanation why i didn't follow your prompt as strictly as i would've liked to:

in the beginning, i did consider making an edit where i would smash together both vv and bb scenes to create an illusion of talay joining the bbs universe. i actually wanted to make that happen bc you know how obsessed i am with the thought of wai meeting talay (or at least his own version of a sea -faced character).

but as talay is very finely dressed (when he's appearing as tess, who we see him mostly as) and doesn't wear a university uniform at any point, it started feeling too challenging. in bbs the guys dress very differently compared to the general vibe of vv (they're very relaxed; simple t-shirts and pants etc vs. everyone looking very stylish in vv), so talay would've stood out too much. i also considered using pangpond to get closer to the student look but that wouldn't have been talay so i abandoned that thought. maybe one day i will end up trying again but this apparently wasn't the time.

and then about this edit:

after abandoning the idea of throwing talay into the world of bb, i started thinking about the patpran/tesstun parallels everyone was after when vv was airing. how different yet similar they are and how they have some matching scenes with different feelings involved. then i came to remember the quote i used as a caption in the edit. then the other quote appeared. and then it just clicked - the tragedy of it all in both of these universes.

bc when in bbs patpran end up happy, wai does not (or well, waikorn is an option. wai with his faceless partner they mention in the last ep is an option. but we never really see him ending up with anyone and even his short-lived crush only offers him heartbreak. plus his whole storyline with pran, his best friend, that is also painful). and then in vv puentalay end up happy but tesstun do not (or at least we never get to see it). it's two different universes tearing them apart. not everyone can be happy at the same time.

and so we have this now, this edit that made me a bit insane :'D trying to find matching shots was a struggle but i think i managed quite well. i hope you can see what i was aiming at! bc i tried really hard to capture different situations and parts of their relationships. there was very limited footage, especially for tesstun, but am quite happy with what i got ^^ (this also unintentionally displays the pranwai relationship in a lot more romantic light than i intended? or is it just me?? very funny tho)

thank you so much for such a challenging prompt and for giving me such freedom to explore these two shows at once! i haven't gotten into doing that before so it was a lot of fun. now i will probably return to crying a bit more about this bc these thoughts opened up something in me rip

[growthpeacelove]

So we are just friends now - and I’m fully moved in 

So we are just friends now

He said he wants to find like a long term partner bc he wants to get married and settle down and he doesn't want to break my heart and he feels like he might be out of time soon bc he will be 40 soon and he wants to have a family

And he said that in 6 months he usually know that he is in love or not and he doesn't feel that way w me and I'm like " it takes u 6 months to know if u r in love ?"

like that's crazy fast

And he said bc I handled that convo really well and didn't throw a fit or get mad he is even more attracted to me and he said he is confused now *

and he said he knew in the back of his mind just bc things are fine between us doesn't mean it's right to keep seeing me knowing that it's not what he wants long term

and he was worried about me being in love w him and him not knowing and he is checked out

I feel like he was expecting me to say something or have that intense emotion towards him and I told him " rn I don't think long term - I'm thinking about getting my life in order " and when he asked about the 6-7 months we had been dating and how I felt it was going I pointed out that I couldn't think about being in love or anything like that bc he hadn't even asked me to be his gf and he was like " oh I didn't know I had to ask u about that" and I'm like " !!! U know I haven't had many relationships- these things r important to me"

And I also told him that I was not ready to be in a vulnerable place like that- and that's why I can handle this news so well - and I'm happy that we are friends now and we are still in each others lives bc I care about him and he has done a lot for me and it was so easy being in a relationship with him

that it was nice and fine and that's also why this convo was so hard for him

Bc there wasn't anything wrong between us and it was very easy

and he was worried about like hurting me and mistreating me and I told him that how he he told me and everything was nice and I'm not hurt

And I'm honestly not hurt - I'm sad bc I am going to miss that time together

but it's going to be fine and I want him to find the love of his life - like he should be more intentional if he already knows if he will be in love 6 months

and he said he can't date multiple people at the same time so one he is done grieving the end he will start to date other people and is intentional about finding his future wife

But ya we didn't have that spark but we did have an honest conversation and I could tell him that I'm honestly afraid of a long term relationship rn and that's why the last 6-7 months I've just been enjoying how healthy it has been and how easy it has been

And I knew a hard convo would happen at some point and it's better now than later when I'm more attached or I felt like he took time from me

I just am not at the mental capacity to be in a relationship Rn anyways

that Level of vulnerability ??

I don't have it in me to share that yet

But ya before we had that talk we built my bed and we moved stuff around so now I'm sleeping on my bed

And he was so concerned about me getting settled in before he had this convo w me

He has had women in his life who threw a fit before and was really upset but ya dude he looked like he would cry at some point

so I kept cracking jokes

thru out the convo - bc I was like Feeling like we needed humor otherwise it would just be a really weird convo or it might go south or something

ya I was like shocked when he said he knows 6 months in Like I told him - I'm not even fully unmasked at that point

hell I'm still working thru how to be vulnerable and be present and just not always get mad at myself

I was like " u know me but u don't really know me - im still very guarded "

he said I don't seem that anxious and I'm just like uh I've been a crying panicked mess the last few months for a variety of reasons and I just have not been feeling like my best self so no I wasn't thinking that deep about our relationship

but what do i know - I haven't been in love before - I've had to reel myself back in everytime I thought I was w my future husband/ could see myself in love over a text or acts of service

He really kept emphasizing how he really tried his best to treat me well and I'm like ... it doesn't take much to treat me very well

ya I was pointing out to him about that- I mask a lot and most of the time I'm in my own head and in my own world

it's like again you cannot date a 25 year old like me w my own stuff and adhd and expect them to be one kind of way/ look for a spark when my energy is on 17 other mini lights - my sparks are all over

I also told him - my personality and who I am - this is prob it and if he thought I would be calmer in the coming months or something was to change - I told him - that prob wasn't going to happen and we prob are also not compatible in the end

He can give himself that 6 month mark and tell himself he has to feel a certain way by then - then it's also prob more than just that - that we are not completely compatible

Which is fine - I told him I have felt a lot more calmer bc I know him So there are traits that I absorbed from him

he told me if was younger or 34 he could have been seeing me for longer at this rate

Im encouraging him to find his person - and make that effort - someone out there is the one

it's just not me !

In true writing fashion I sent this

Thank you for sharing how you were feeling with me today. The compassion and integrity and kindness you showed really means a lot. I am so happy you are in my life in every form that it takes and I really hope you find what you are looking for. You deserve it - fr

I am excited about this new chapter in our friendship! It’s going to be nice to hang out and hopefully enjoy the amenities and just hang out together. You are really important to me and not just anyone gets that title. Thank you for being there for me for a lot of stressful times in my life and for all the best times! You have no idea what that means to me. You are a wonderful person and empathetic and kind and intentional and I adore you in so many ways.

Additionally. !!

I told him that me moving out was a big deal bc it is giving me agency and men r not emotional getaway cars and im trying to heal so another explanation for my lack of strong feelings - I wanted him to understand that it wasn't him - like im just trying to get back to where i was

he's great and wonderful - and like honestly I'm glad he told me and he still wants to help me bring the mirror to my place and be helpful still

[icanttakethemonmyown]

"I hope this email finds you in love with me" enemies to lovers Andrew vibes

While Sam is just there "I'm like an arm's length away from you. Couldn't you just have told me you needed me to cover as your substitute tomorrow?"

"The documentation makes it official."

*cue Sam spiraling because 'WHY DOES HE CANT HE SHOW UP TOMORROW? HIS PARTNER AND HIM MIGHT BE GETTING MARRIED AND THEYRE GOING TO THE COURT TOMORROW TO NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE WEEKEND RUSH'*

She also checks very well the following day to see if he now has a ring on him or not. But you know. In a completely platonic way.

"Just getting it in writing, Samantha, covering all my bases, y'know?" SJDBDNEJWJS

okay, but this ask captures so wonderfully how i would characterise enemies-to-lovers!sam bc everything is worst case scenario at. all. times. like oh? andrew is taking off work tomorrow? its definitely for a secret wedding and couldn't possibly be something reasonable! he has been engaged all this time and i will not elaborate on why it makes me extremely mad and even more jealous!!

also she thinks she is being so slick, so aloof, nobody is on to her, meanwhile the entire floor shows up to the staff meeting an hour earlier so that they can discuss what's new with sam and andrew before they arrive "godDAMMIT THEY HAVEN'T ASKED EACH OTHER OUT YET? NOT EVEN A COFFEE?"

[ineffablefool]

(1/4) hey uh ur bio says that u r demiromantic and if it's not too much trouble could i get some help? so i'm starting high school next year and so far, i haven't gotten a crush or anything. romantic attraction? don't know her. but whenever i thought or pictured myself "grown up" i imagined myself with a boyfriend. (i'm a woman) all the evidence is pointing towards me being aromantic, but a little slice of my brain is still, "oh, you're just super demiromantic and violently straight, all of your

(2/4) super close friends have been girls, you just have to become really close friends with a guy and there! instant boyfriend" but i know that won't happen. i won't have some man come and suddenly i'm head over heels. but i've always figured i'd have a boyfriend. i know i'm ace, and i am calling myself ace, but whenever i go to call myself aro, my brain goes "but what if ur actually demi and then all the people you told u were aro will think you were a liar" which i kNOW is stupid but i cant

(3/4) stop thinking it. i dunno why i can't fully accept the fact that i'm aro. is it society claiming that you need a partner to be happy? is it the fact that being in love sounds amazing and like floating on clouds and i want to feel like that? i have no fucking clue. and it's not something against aros, like, i know that if someone told me they were aro i'd have no problem with it. which makes it worse because why is it so hard to let go of the fantasy that i'll have a romantic partner one

(4/4) day? i know, in my heart, that there is a like a 1% chance i wont be aro. but i still cant call myself aro my brain won't let me >:( when did you get your first crush? when is it normal for a demi to first feel romantic attraction? did you think you were aro at first? also i sometimes feel like i shouldn't call myself ace bc im too young to know if i like sex yet? when did u start calling yourself ace? ugh sorry for the super long ask,,, also fun fact it's "how do u write kisses" anon hiii

Hi anon.  I cannot promise you excellent help, but I am still glad you wrote to me again, and I really hope you are about to have a straight 72-hour period of Good Days.  (It might take you that long to read this.  Oops.)

So, first of all: there is nothing wrong with calling yourself aro now and then later deciding you aren’t.  Or realizing you aren’t.  (Two different framings for the same thing -- both are good.)  Or deciding or realizing that you’re somewhere on the aromantic spectrum which you feel is better described with a more specific term.  Demiromantics are still part of the aro umbrella!  It’s not an exclusive club where You Must Be Pure Aro To Enter!  (Anyone who tells you otherwise is setting themselves up as Decider Of What It Really Means To Be Aro, and where are their credentials for that?  Hmm, hypothetical gatekeeping person?  Can I please see your certification from the Institute Of Defining Other People’s Identities For Them?  Oh.  Oh you don’t have one.  Because it doesn’t exist.)

Me saying that doesn’t magically make your brain accept the label, of course.  I am just trying to gently show your brain the door, and it’s the one that has to walk through it.

Assuming you want it to walk through it.  Maybe you decide you don’t.  That’s fine!  But “yes, I am indeed aro -- I am on the aro spectrum somewhere so I am using the label” is a perfectly fine thing to tell people, and if they are not carrying forged credentials from the Institute Of Defining Other People’s Identities For Them, then they will probably be okay with this.

I am not any kind of expert on being aro, or ace, or anything.  I am only an expert in being me.  But to somewhat exhaustively answer the questions from your last part...

I had my first crush when I was thirteen or fourteen.  When I was about ten, I was friends with two girls who both had a very public crush on the same boy, and I claimed to also have one on him in order to fit in, but I was completely lying.  Sorry, Drew.  I’m sure you were quite the catch, but I was not feelin’ it.

I don’t know if there’s a specific time when it’s “normal” for a demiromantic person to start feeling any particular way.  It just sort of happens if it’s gonna.  Maybe it never does.  People are complicated and different and that’s wonderful.

I didn’t know what being aro (or being ace!) was when I was your age, because they weren’t really identities yet.  “Asexual” was for amoebas, or maybe robots.  “Aromantic” was, like, dude, did you misspell “aromatic”?  (Keep in mind, there was technically an Internet in approx. 1995, but there was no Google, no Wikipedia, no YouTube, no social media, the concept of what is now called a “blog” didn’t even really exist yet, and often your parents would not let you on the Internet connection if they could even afford it themselves, not least because it was frequently billed by the amount of time you spent using it. It was incredibly hard to know what things existed in the world back then to even begin to learn about them! Now is so much better. I have all the treasures of the world in my pocket via my telephonic device.)  When I started to learn about asexuality, specifically that you could be ace but not be “an emotionless robot” (gosh has unlearning that kind of judgement been a journey), I jumped straight on that label and never looked back (this was roughly when I joined Tumblr, so I would have been about 32).  I thought I was alloromantic for a while after that, but I’ve come to realize that my feelings on romance probably put me somewhere on the aro spectrum.  And that’s where I am now.

I started calling myself ace, again, when I was about 32, but I didn’t have that label available to me when I was younger.  Ya boi was 13-14 years old, sitting in his bedroom writing letters-to-never-be-sent to his crush, which included long sections about how I had already decided I would never have sex so long as I lived, so once we obviously got married because how could we not when I had such Emotions, he would have to find some other way to get that if he wanted it.  I had no interest in it then.  I never developed an interest in it since.  If I had had the knowledge I have now, back when I was in junior high, I am absolutely convinced that I would have taken the ace label then.  Was I too young to know for sure?  I dunno, we don’t say that people are too young at that age to know they’re heterosexual, so why do other sexualities have to pass a higher bar?  (Because compulsory heterosexuality.  That is why.)

Regardless of your age, if the label of ace resonates with you, you can apply it to yourself.  If the label of aro resonates, you can apply it to yourself.  Or a more specific variant of either, or something else entirely.  And the day you realize “oh gosh, this is not, in this moment, actually me”, you can let the label go, because its only purpose for existing is to be useful to you.

Finally -- this is not something I can personally speak to, but I have seen people who identify as completely aro also state that they enjoy things that our (my? I do not know where you are from) culture frequently sees as romantic.  Like, if you want to have a person who you can snuggle up with, hold hands with, say “I love you” to and have them say it back and both of you mean it -- there are aro people who do all that with their partners, and enjoy it, and don’t see it as interfering with their aromantic identity at all.  I believe them, because they are the expert on being themselves, and I have nowhere near the ego required to decide that I know better.  So that’s something to keep in mind -- cloud-floating and an aromantic identity do not have to be completely separate, because there are lots of kinds of love and of affection, and people are complicated, and that is wonderful.

I hope you enjoy this novel, anon.  It is for you.

[pens-swords-stuff]

idk if you're still doing the ask thing but uhhh what's it like being one of the best writeblrs in town? what's your primary source of inspiration? are there any old wips that you gave up ages ago but are tempted to go back and change/finish? are there any wips that you haven't told anyone about yet but are dying to share? (pls share if you want!) Finally, why do you like writing so much? (you don't have to answer all the questions i just really like asking people these questions bc they're fun)

Thank you so much for all of the questions! I really enjoyed answering them :)

It’s a bit long so I’m putting it all under a cut!

What's it like being one of the best writeblrs in town?

Oh my gosh, I really don’t think I’m anywhere near being one of the best writeblrs in town, but I’m super flattered that you think I am! 

Overall, I love being a writeblr, and I love the little community of friends, mutuals, and followers that I have. I definitely wouldn’t still be around if I didn’t enjoy the community so much! I love being able to support people, and sometimes sharing what little I have. The amount of passion, creativity and kindness here is phenomenal, and I’m really honored to be a part of it!

It’s pretty normal, honestly. I’m definitely not one of the super popular writeblrs that gets a whole lot of engagement (though I am really thankful for every bit of engagement I get 💙💙) so I think that I have a lot less going on than most people might think. That’s mostly my own fault though I think, because I haven’t shared a whole lot of my writing or projects. I reblog stuff, post stuff sometimes, I try to reblog and leave comments on people’s work when I’m feeling up to it, and occasionally I’m delighted by a very kind comment.

It’s not all roses and sparkles though, a lot of really hard work went into getting where I am. Being a bigger blog with a certain reputation also brings with it a lot of problems and frustrations that I usually don’t talk about because I think it’s pretty tacky to rant about publicly on my blog. 

But it’s worth it, you know? The positives definitely outweigh the negatives, and I met so many amazing people here which is the best gift. I just don’t think that my writeblr experience is that different from most other people haha!

What's your primary source of inspiration?

My writing partner is a really big one. She’s super creative and I absolutely adore writing with her. She comes up with the best ideas, and talking about our ideas and projects and characters with her is always a surefire way for me to get excited and inspired about something, even if I’m in a slump!

TV shows, movies, books, video games that I’m into also sometimes ignite a spark! When I’m creatively drained or suffering writer’s block, I always try to just disconnect from writing for a bit and immerse myself in other media until something clicks.

Otherwise, aesthetics are one of the primary ways I get into an idea or a concept so that’s pretty important as well!

Are there any old wips that you gave up ages ago but are tempted to go back and change/finish?

It’s been a really long time since I’ve written for any of the WIPs that I’ve announced on tumblr. For Queen and Country, Morsmordre, Post-Script, Wanderlust... Between me and my partners feeling burnt out, or stuck, or just otherwise busy with other things, they’ve all fallen to the wayside a bit and that makes me a bit sad.

I don’t think any of us have given up on them, but right now they’re not active and I really wish that they were.

Are there any wips that you haven't told anyone about yet but are dying to share?

YES!!! Two of them, in fact.

One of them is a fanfiction that will be accessible to people who aren’t part of the fandom and have no knowledge about it — it will have no spoilers for the fandom, and all of the fandom-specific worldbuilding and such will be explainable. But it’s an incredibly original idea; there’s no fic anything like it on AO3, fanfiction.net or wattpad, and I’m a bit paranoid that once I start talking about it, people might take the idea and run with it? Which you know, might not happen and I know I’m being overly cautious. But I’ve demanded a gag order until we’re ready to post the actual story. It’s so good and I can’t wait to tell people but I want to keep it a secret until it’s ready and faljdskhcnlkdsjcnlakdjn

The other one is my Nano project!!! I’m really close to being able to share it!!!!! So close, yet so far... Hoping to be able to announce within the next week or so.

Finally, why do you like writing so much?

I’ve been writing for my entire life basically, ever since I was 5 years old. It’s just been my choice of a creative outlet, I suppose, and I never really questioned it.

My first serious attempt at writing was play-by-post roleplaying, and I adored that because it allowed me to flesh out characters and character relationships with other people. That’s still a massive part of the appeal because I write with partners. Being able to collaborate on an idea, and endlessly talk about character relationships, dynamics, and plotting is definitely among the most rewarding experiences I’ve gotten with writing.

Like I said before, writing it my creative outlet. I’m a really creative person, but writing is really one of the only ways that I can express it because I’m not artistic whatsoever, and I don’t have a whole lot of other skills. Writing is something I can do though, and I often feel like I’m going to explode if I go too long without creating something. And it’s so immensely satisfying to be able to look at something I wrote or created and be like “Wow, I did really good.” My progress isn’t easily trackable, but I am able to look at my writing and see that I’ve improved, which is really motivating.

But when it comes to the question, why do I like it so much... I’m honestly not sure! Writing has always just been one of my things, and I’ve never actually delved too deeply into the why. It’s an interesting question though, and hopefully I’ll find an answer someday!

[yoonstudios]

the get to know me uncomfortably well thing except i threw some out bc i don't like them lmao

1. What is your middle name? Fhae ((it was inspired by the name of a waitress my mom and dad had on one of their dates at big boys 🙃))

2. How old are you? 16

3. What is your birthday? July 19

4. What is your zodiac sign? Cancer

5. What is your favorite color? pastel yellow or purple

6. What’s your lucky number? i don't have one lmao

7. Do you have any pets? yes, two twin male cats, mo and curly, and a female torbie cat, ryleigh. i also have two purple danio fish that i've had for months and haven't even named yet :')

8. Where are you from? cornfield land (ohio)

9. How tall are you? it's been a minute since i got my height measured but last time, i was a little under 5' 4" !!

10. What shoe size are you? bro idk like size 7 in womens or smth

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? i have a pair of tennis shoes and have two pairs of boots but i'm planning to get some gray converse highs this christmas.

12. What was your last dream about? going on a long and absolutely gorgeous road trip with jin in a vintage camper van :))

13. What talents do you have? being completely honest, i don't have any,, i'm not good at a lot of things actually and i beat myself up for it really really badly lol but i'm trying to find something i'm really good at !!

14. Are you psychic in any way? um no, but i'm pretty good at predicting things, or that's what i've been told by my intj father lol august of this year, we were at a metropark and my mom parked her suv in the parking lot and be aware that we're basically in the middle of a forest. we're chilling at a small playground with a bunch of kids and all i can think is how many trees are bent over, and the fact that no one else is noticing is confusing the fuck out of me. i told my mom that some trees are probably gonna fall on someone's car or one of the facility buildings but she just tells me to calm down, and that nothing will happen and that everything's fine. not even 5 minutes goes by, and a 30 foot branch falls and literally destroys like 40% of my mom's suv🙃🙃🙃

15. Favorite song? a hard question, but i'll have to pick yoongi's "so far away" :)

16. Favorite movie? the princess and thE FROG DON'T JUDGE ME OKAY LMAO

17. Who would be your ideal partner? uhh, i just want a decent dude who can handle my regularly scheduled daily existential crisis and can respect boundaries ((lol jk if you're not yoongi or any of the other 6 dorks, then there's a good chance that i won't marry you /hj))

18. Do you want children? even in the previous question, relationships are probably on the very bottom of my priority list, and it isn't really something i'm too worried about right now. i wanna get my life together and have some emotional stability before i even think about dating. so no, i don't want any children, even if i do get married, but that might change idk

19. Do you want a church wedding? nah, i want one of those super pretty weddings in the middle of the woods lmao if that's a thing???

20. Are you religious? lol yeah i'm a christian <3

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? yep, when i was born :)) but seriously no, i haven't hurt myself that bad to the point where i need to go to the hospital~

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? nope!

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? i don't think so..

24. Baths or showers? showers

25. What color socks are you wearing? they're different patterns lol my right sock is a navy blue and my left is just blue with thin white stripes lmao

26. Have you ever been famous? if you count being in the newspaper bc you won being the "christmas princess" in 1st grade and being interviewed by abc news bc you were in a bus crash in 2nd grade FAMOUS? then, yes, i have been famous before lol

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? maybe??? i like the idea of it but i don't think i'd be able to handle all the attention and fame-

28. What type of music do you like? in k-pop, only listen to bts and that's literally it, lo-fi, and some gospel sprinkled in there ((yes, i'm just THAT lame))

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? i have one pillow under my head, another pillow right in front of me, and sometimes i sleep with a giant squishmallow bunny lol

31. What position do you usually sleep in? 65% of the time, i sleep like yoongi and the other 35% is me sleeping in a fetal position on the side hugging a giant stuffed animal

32. How big is your house? we only have one main floor, a really creepy crawl space under our house, and an attic. the only way to the attic is through the garage. and no one is allowed up there bc the flooring is so weak, that if anyone walks on it, there is a very high chance that the entire roof will fall through the house :')

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? just cereal. sometimes generic brand oatmeal from walmart or some waffles.

35. Have you ever tried archery? yes, and i was actually pretty good at it, but that many years ago.

36. Favorite clean word? supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

37. Favorite swear word? fuck.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? i think like, about 22 hours...? i was in 3rd grade or 4th grade btw i really don't know how i did it lmao

39. Do you have any scars? no, surprisingly.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? no lol

41. Are you a good liar? i am, actually!

42. Are you a good judge of character? yeah, i'd say so.

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? nope i'm pretty bad at them

44. Do you have a strong accent? no..? i don't think so

45. What is your favorite accent? australian

46. What is your personality type? i'm 80% sure it's intj

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? i don't have a damn clue lmFAOO

48. Can you curl your tongue? yep

50. Left or right handed? right handed

51. Are you scared of spiders? the complete opposite for me! i'm the person in the house that people come to, to catch/kill the spiders. the funny thing is, i usually trap them in a cup and sit them on my desk for a solid hour and proceed to research whatever the hell kinda spider it is. then i have to throw it back out into the wild because my mom doesn't like spiders still inside the house. i actually have very little to no fear when it comes to nature or wildlife and that's probably not a good thing lmao

52. Favorite food? steak!

53. Favorite foreign food? tiramisu ((ik it's a dessert but still))

54. Are you a clean or messy person? uh, my room is the definition of organized chaos lmao but crave to plan for just about everything.

55. Most used phrase? i say "that's what she said" whenever i have the opportunity :')

56. Most used word? "what"

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? excluding breakfast, like 10 minutes.

58. Do you have much of an ego? usually no..?

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? suck, then bite.

60. Do you talk to yourself? being 100% honest, i think the time i've talked to myself is more than the time i've talked to other people irl 🙃

61. Do you sing to yourself? yeah

62. Are you a good singer? with certain songs. i'm either really good, or literally awful, no in between.

63. Biggest Fear? not having enough information/knowledge; failure; the unknown

4. Are you a gossiper? sweet dear jesus NO

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? i haven't seen any really dramatic movies, or none that i can remember..

66. Do you like long or short hair? long hair 215% but my hair takes a painfully long to time to grow lmao

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? just writing them on a piece of paper, no. but if you gave me a blank map of america with the states outlined, i'd probably be able to fill in the state names.

68. Favorite school subject? Science, more specifically, biology.

69. Extrovert or Introvert? Very much an introvert.

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? no

71. What makes you nervous? being screamed at, riding on airplanes, needles, darkness, riding across very long bridges over water and loads more :'))

72. Are you scared of the dark? oh my god yES

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? for the most part, yes.

74. Are you ticklish? yes, very, and i'm not telling you where -_- literally everywhere

75. Have you ever started a rumor? no, and i don't have the guts to, either.

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? not that i can remember..

77. Have you ever drank underage? lmao no

78. Have you ever done drugs? nope

79. Who was your first real crush? none other than ✨min yoongi✨

80. How many piercings do you have? two, one on each ear lobe.

81. Can you roll your Rs? i didn't know what this meant at first so i searched it up and no i don't think i can roll the R's lol ((ik i can learn but it's 12:03 a.m. and i'm not gonna do it rn lmao))

82. How fast can you type? about 50 wpm

83. How fast can you run? fast enough :) but seriously idk how fast, i'd say about how fast a normal person can run lol

84. What color is your hair? brown, but when in the sunlight, i have a lot of red with some blond, but i say brown bc that's mostly what it is lmao

85. What color is your eyes? brown

86. What are you allergic to? amoxicillin. that's literally it.

87. Do you keep a journal? no, i used to tho until my brother kept finding it, so tumblr is my new journal now :)))

88. What do your parents do? my mom works as a server at cracker barrel and my dad works at a car wash ((we don't make a lot of money as you can tell lmao))

89. Do you like your age? yeah a little bit

90. What makes you angry? hate speech, when me or another person is being illogical, when i'm ignored or talked over

91. Do you like your own name? yep, mostly because i have the nickname "maddie"

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? not really, but i decided that if i have triplet girls, that i will name them April, May, and June lmaoo

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? i don't really mind, but having a couple sons sounds nice-

94. What are your strengths? i'm polite for the most part~ i'm pretty good at multitasking and organizing. i'm also decently creative too.

95. What are your weaknesses? i can get impatient really quickly when people don't understand or aren't as efficient as me. i can also be quite pessimistic.

96. How did you get your name? my parents liked the meaning of madison (gift from God) and they thought the nickname that came with it (maddie) was cute.

97. Were your ancestors royalty? no, they just were a bunch of unstable murderous psychopaths on both sides of my family lmao

98. Do you have any scars? surprisingly no?????? i'm very clumsy so idk how i haven't gotten any scars yet-

99. Color of your bedspread? pale blue

100. Color of your room? just plain white

[fluffybunnybadass]

Not really much of a sup, but for a few years now, I've been wondering if I've been Ace. Some of the posts you have, I resonate with, and I decided to try out the label over the past few days to see if I like it. I haven't told anyone until tonight, and got a confused reaction from my friend. I was especially thrown off guard when I told him that I might not be interested in sex. Granted, my friend is a guy, but at the same time, I can't help but feel very hurt by it? If that makes sense. 1/2

[Images for the first ask might get left in cuz i'm on mobile app and it cuts asks off at like one line of text and i have terrible memory]

First off, it's very normal to feel hurt by his reaction. You shared a part of yourself and were rejected. Feeling hurt about that is VERY NORMAL. You also know yourself best and what you're comfortable with and what you're not. "What if--" is the future, what you are now is more important. I forget specifically how it was said, but just bc you might be comfortable elsewhere later, doesn't mean you have to be uncomfortable now. You might want kids in the future, but that doesn't mean you have to want them now. [Fwiw, i'm vehemently unwilling to have kids, and if that ever changes, there's adoption, being an auncle, etc]. As for your friend....

ICK DUMP THEM jk i dunno what your relationship with them is like, and i've been that ignorant, uninformed person before, also assuming that one day i might be into it, esp with the assumption it would happen after sex, as your friend and our hypersexual society would assume. I haven't had sex yet, and I don't plan to anytime soon, even if when I get a partner. And I know that I don't experience it, bc as fangirling around me got more and more sexualized the older I got, the less and less I was into that? So when I finally saw relatability posts on tumblr about asexuality, it finally click for me, and i was SO GLAD there was a word for it. I've always been diff when it came to "who i like/found cute" on the playground, and I never considered it to be any more weird when high school and college happened. [I had more important things to worry about and I also wasn't on anyone's radar or expected to be], so i just. Not wanna say "i knew" but more like "i expected" it. Or i assumed i was more mature about dating, fuck if i knew, i sure wasn't when i had like 1 datemate for 3 days

Also like, guys are more expected to be hypersexual fiend hounds, so even if he doesn't really feel that way, he might be expected to espout that. Or he could honestly think that way. I don't know and it doesn't sound safe for you to pry about him to find out.

As for the other two, i've seen it suggested on @/fuckyeahasexual and other ace blogs to beat around the bush if you want to come out to people but aren't sure if they are safe to? I forget specifically how, since i'm able to be so vocal about my asexuality offline.

I've been writing this while walking to and from my psych appt so i apologize if i have missed anything or misanswered anything.

Lastly,

[Sorry, i found those while trying to grab some different ace gifs and thought they were important]

LASTLY,

Welcome to the asexuality club, you're welcome to stay if you find it suits you, and it's no big deal if it doesn't. Here's your complimentary, ace-colored invisibility cloak