#i am a mess uwy

[gocrazyahhahgostupidahjssjjaah]

✨old men✨

why haven't I drawn them together you ask? well thats an interesting question! :D

......

*throws snowball and runs*

[pavedinashes-if]

FREE PiA SNIPPET of your choice

######## !!! ######## Please read the descriptions of the scenes under the cut BEFORE voting. ######## !!! ########

There's so many gems there! Thank you for sending them in. Let's see what your hearts desire.

[EDIT: if a gender set MC snippet wins, I will ask the submitting person to write me, if they want the snippet to stay gender-set or if a gender neutral version works too. one of the submitting persons wrote they would have preferred to have picked a gender neutral version instead of sending in the gender-set one in the first place. feel free to do as you wish.]

SNIPPET DETAILS BELOW...

(1) MC x FRANCESCA / FRANCESCO - FLUFF

So a laying/cuddling in bed kiss for Fran, relationship status. Just sweet intimate moment

(2) MC x SAM - SURPRISE

Sam almost slamming the breaks on his police car when mc suddenly pops their head out on the backseat looking sleepy. And he didn't know they were in there. Thats the snippet idea

(3) MC x FELICIA / FELIX - JEALOUSY

Jealous snippet for our ex? Them looking at mc laughing with some others. Feeling jealous of mc having someone else's attention so fully. Wanting MC's attention to themselves and wanting to be selfish for once.

(4) f!MC x ALEX - HOSTILITY

Oh let's keep the hostility Idea for Alex, in a crushing stage? I feel like their could be some sensual tension in the air in that kind of scenario. Maybe we could do it with a how to say Femme fatale MC, not the kind to be hostile like Alex will be, wracked? him up (is that the exact word?) with sensuality and whispering in the ear before walking away

(5) f!MC x SAM - LIBRARY

So my sweet girl Hester, a book nerd, finds herself crushing on her neighbor Sam and maybe they encounter each other in the library. She'd be so flustered trying to make conversation (and maybe tries to hide the smutty book she's reading)

(6) f!MC x MICHAEL - EMERGENCY

some nerve-racking scary grays anatomy style moment where mc is getting brought in all bloody and unconscious after she got hit by a car wile riding on her skate to work.

(7) f!MC x ALEX - ELEVATOR

Alex getting stuck in an elevator with MC. Ohhh fuck my life! To get stuck out of all people it had to be the man hat hates me, that is mean to MC and bullies MC every. fucking. time! also MC having a huge crush on Alex that just fucking irritates MC to her bones. Stupid Alex making her feel all fluttery and her brain covered in uwy guwy syrup that makes it hard to be quick witted with him like you always are. Whats with the shyness? You're BOLD! You're strong! So why you acting like that!? Its all his fault, with his stupidly nice broad shoulders, and his hot tattoos peaking out of those sleeves you wish to trace with your....stop!......but those lips, why they look so soft....that smart STUPID mouth of his you would put to good work....STOP! It's getting really hot in here! There is no air! NO AIR! We will suffocate here! WE WILL DIEEEEEOMG I NEED TO GET OUT!

(8) f!MC x SAM - HANDCUFFS

its 2 am. you cant fall asleep no matter what you do. you sit around and decide to clean your apartment a bit, its a mess 'cause you had no time for that. You sort your kitchen out, tidy your bathroom, work your bedroom when you spy something shiny under the bed...you take a look and find a pair of handcuffs. TF? This are not yours. Who's then? While you're searching your mind for possibilities....you are fidgeting with them and CLICK. You look down, at your wrist....fuck. Ohhhh FUCK! You closed them tightly on your wrist. Frantically you start searching for the key. If there are handcuffs, there MUST be a key! You look everywhere, your apartment looks even worst now....and you remember you have a cop living next to you....ohhhh fuuuuck. Lets go. MC is a little menace & troublemaker, is bold but gets easily flustered. 

(9) f!MC x LAURENZ - HOUSE PARTY

its another Friday night, and mc finds herself at a house party (more likely a apartment party) everyone from the scene is there, its loud, smokey a lot of crazy shit happening. So you find yourself going to the balcony for some fresh air to clear your head after 3 vodka shots. You breath in...out and relax into the night....until you feel someone standing behind. You turn and see Laurenz. You see his intense gaze roaming over your face, you feel his breath on your skin. He is too close. What is he going to do...fight? Again? or.....You see he is trying to decide as well....... regarding MC on L's route, Im still deciding if I should go full antagonist or quite but "murderous look in her eyes" kinda vibe. Whats the most angsty but steamy route with him? 👀  idk so u choose

(10) f!MC x DIMA - EAVESDROPPING

I really are excited for the snippet, im sure people have some amazing ideas! but I'll try to throw my stupid idea in as well... I really enjoyed the scary throat grabbing Sasha scene and Sasha + Dima bar scene, so what about a scene where mc  is about to enter Dimas office for something and sees the door slightly open and voices coming out having a very angry, heated discussion. Mc is getting closer and recognizes its Sasha and Dima...she never heard them speak to each other like that....she stops not knowing what to do but stays there paralyzed with curiosity and fear. She hears her name thrown like a dirty word from Sasha followed with some russian...so its about her...is it because the way Dima started looking at her? Watching her work? He stands in the dark, but Danie always feels when he is watching...like a hunter from an ambush. She enjoys it, but would never admit it, it makes her warm in places and her heart race. Something hits a hard surface and Dima says something in a growl that she cannot make out.  MC is female. Danie (short from Daniela) Average hight, slim build, long blond hair, bottle green eyes, fair skin (how fucking generating I know). Doesn't show emotions easily but has some charm to her , is very perceptive, stubborn, will say what she thinks, will mess you up if someone is messing with the people she cares for cause there are only few of them. Wears only black, simple and neat, total black chuck taylor converse, black straight leg jeans, black skin tight longsleeve and her favorite old leather jacket (the grungiest, worn down oldest thing she owns).  

(11) MC x FRANCESCA / FRANCESCO

Fr, I remeber a while ago you've answered an ask with something like how they would've enjoyed to watch a football match (from juventus? I think?) with mc. So if this isn't in the story already (lol!) can you write a little something with this? pretty please? <3

(12) MC x ANY RO (I'll pick one)

Their reaction to mc coming from outside with wet clothes from the rain that hug every inch of their body

[bbarican]

november 06, 2022; 3:01 pm - sunday's best

hi tumblr, kamusta kayo? its another sunday and like always im just trying my best to make the most out of it since we all know naman na ang bilis lang matapos ng sundays natin especially when we're working na

allow me to just dump my thoughts that have accumulated from these past few days kasi again, if i dont, i feel like my brain is going to explode sooner rather than later:

friday was really fun even though i posted about being really tired from thursday kasi we ended up having a really good time at work and then we all ended up having dinner together and it was just a really lovely evening with my officemates

pero pag uwi ko, and i cannot stress this enough, it was like i stepped into one of those super baduy frat party scenes we see in movies - pag pasok ng pinto, there were boys scattered sa living area namin kasi malamig daw sa dapat tutulugan nila, tapos may mag jowang nag cucuddle sa may breakfast nook namin, tapos may isang guy na tulog na sa living room namin, tapos sa dining area naman namin may nagchichikahan, tapos may lumabas pa na guy from the man cave na naka tapis lang kasi bagong ligo, tapos my brother was fast asleep sa couch ng dad ko sa man cave kasi lasing siya kasi apparently he downed 1 whole bottle ng soju by himself

so nung bandang mag 4 am na, he knocked on our door, went straight to the bathroom, tapos nagkulong siya doon for 1 1/2 hours para sumuka and i kid you not i felt a 360 life moment kasi dati ako lang yung ganyan

so regardless if he kept saying na masakit tiyan niya, pinabayaan ko siya kasi he needed to learn the consequences + it was nice of him na siya nagkusa to clean his mess up

besides that, my weekend was pretty standard; i even got to squeeze in a quick interview for a junior designer applicant with our hr so that was a nice first time experience for me

but yeah, we've been sleeping and eating and watching a bunch of stuff lang the whole weekend but im really excited for tomorrow and for the rest of the week kasi i have a few things im looking forward to

so yeah, i hope you guys have a really lovely sunday and i hope we all get to rest enough before bracing the new week ahead of us!

[dendenmazing]

It got better in a day.

It's May 2, 2023 Tuesday

I've been overthinking about a lot of things these past few days and It really made me so tired of everything again. Nawalan nanaman ako ng gana sa lahat, napagod nanaman ako sa lahat. That's why, this morning before I went to school, nasa dining room ako tas doon ako naiyak bigla. Naiyak ako sa pagod ulit. Then I looked at Mama and ayon, mas bumagsak pa lalo mga luha galing sa mata ko. I miss her so much. I miss her Mother/Bestfriend advices. Iyon kasi yung mga kailangan ko ngayon e. Kailangan ko kasi si Mama ulit ngayon e kaso wala na talaga e. But then, hindi naman ako as in super malungkot, depressed or something like that. As in drained lang ako ng sobra. Napagod nanaman ako ayusin yung sarili ko. But then that didn't stop me from continuing. Pumasok parin ako syempre. Nakinig sa mga Prof ko na nagdiscuss ng mga new lessons and topics. I still showed up today for myself. Pero ayon, after ko kasi magbreakdown kanina, pagkaayos ko sa sarili ko, papasok na ako sa school then si Ate Dha bigla ulit nag-aya. Hangout raw later, uwi raw ako maaga hehe. Then that made me smile. I've got something to look forward to this day. Then ayon, all goods parin naman ako sa school this day. Wala lang talaga akong energy sa lahat ng mga bagay hehe. Then when I went home, super excited ako sa hangout namin nila Atengs kasi wala lang, I just, I want to be with them hehe. Anddddd eventually, I did. Super saya. Nagstay lang kami dito sa sala sa bahay, di na kami umalis hehe. Bumili nalang kami bbq, nagpadeliver ng maraming chicken nuggets sa McDo, bought 3L of Tequila Margarita hahahahaha. Then Calbee junkfoods. Also bought a one gallon of vanilla ice cream, hmmm saraaappp. Then we just played a new card game while eating in the living room tas may soundtrip hahahahahaha. Ilang oras lang kaming ganon hahahhaa. That's why after all my night routine, bago ako humilata, I had a heart to heart talk with God again. Sobrang nagpasalamat lang ng marami. Itong araw na to, di man perfect pero isa na to sa mga pinaka paborito kong araw sa buong buhay ko. Umiyak man ako kaninang umaga, di man ulit ganon ka okay kanina sa school, I still ended this day, a lot better. Yes, it got better. Nung nakasama ko na sila Ate Dha and Ate Dianne, nawala yung pagod ko sa lahat. Super grateful ako kasi mayroon akong sila. I don't want to miss this one out, I don't want to take this for granted kaya, paulit-ulit talaga ako kanina kay God na, sobra akong nagpapasalamat kasi mayroon akong sila. I don't know what to do too if they aren't here and I'm all alone. Super grateful lang ako and super happy kasi mayroon akong sila. It's one of dabest gifts I've ever had in my whole life. I smiled. Thank you, God. Sa isang araw, nagawa mong pagaangin yung mga mabibigat. It got better in a day. Thank you!! The start and the middle of the day can be so messed up but at the end of the day, pwede pa maging maayos lahat. At the end of the day, pwede pa gumaang lahat. At the end of the day, it can still get a little better. God, taught me something new again. I am beyond grateful and my heart is so happy. Sana nakikita mo ito lahat, Mama ko 🥺❤️

[lemons-and-ashes]

Medyo bad timing lang? Kasi this year, 2022 is the sandbox of my "healing process". Kumbaga, this year is the year that I will test myself kung kaya ko na humarap sa earth. If hindi na ba ako galit sa earth, by going out and saying yes to things. So far okay naman. Pero kasi I promise na every weekend dapat kasama ko si Chi gumala. So nagguilty ako magliwaliw? Kasi everytime na aalis ako ng bahay, Chi would call me.

"I miss you! Lovely, shigoto watara, Lovely kuru. Oke?"

Parang baby talk nya, meaning, after work ko uwi ako dun. Excuse kasi namin na everytime wala ako sa bahay is because of work.

Hays. Hehe small rant lang. All is good.

Ay last na...

I think major issue ito pero I am trying my best na ayusin... Yung anxiety attacks ko :( may certain triggers na hindi naman dapat. Paranoid lang ako nun, kasi walang sense. Pero since paranoid ako, I would sweat. Ang intense. Kinakabahan ako, i feel shaky? yung balisa? tapos i can't eat :( trying hard ako kalmahin yung sarili ko by breathing pero lumalala sya lalo kapag nagpapanic ako kasi bakit hindi nawawala agad. Buong maghapon, minsan 3 days yung balisa ko hindi nawawalaaa 😭😭. Ang hirap lang nya imanage. Pero after that all good na ako ulit. Pero during those times parang hindi ko kakayanin. Parang ayoko na maulit, sinamahan ko na ng dasal at meditation, hindi nako nag kakape, hindi ako nag ccellphone 1 hour before bed, naliligo ako ng warm water, drinking water, i'm socializing, tinatry ko ngumiti. Grabe nakikinig na din ako ng upbeat songs, relaxing songs, pero hindi sya agad nawawalaaaa. Nakakainis lang ang weak ko parin. Iniisip ko nalang na, siguro need lang ng practice pa. More anxiety attacks pa siguro para matuto ako mag handle. Hahaha yung last na anxiety attack ko kasi I end up passing my resignation letter sa company hahaha. Tapos compulsive decision making na nagpasa ng nagpasa ng resume sa all hiring sites. Hahaha kada send ko may halong galit eh. 🤣

The best decision pero yun. One of my many ways to help myself. Next to paglalayas, renting a house, buying house thingyys and pang aaway sa Nanay and pang rreport ng bullies sa HR and creating issues such as typing "Politics" sa isang survey hahahaha. Grabe I'm a mess.

[simplymiles]

Mem’ries

. . . loving these quiet almost Christmas mornings with the family. I promised myself that  I would always put them first before anything else, especially this Christmas. With my mom gone, I figured, I would continue what she had started. You see, my family’s a bunch of introverts (except my mom) who forces us to wake up at midnight and eat noche buena and celebrate Christmas ... without her, we’d just be inside our rooms. I remember, when she became sick . . . she would pick up groceries a day before her dialysis, then she’d rest 2 days after so she’d be in shape with the Noche Buena preparations. She’d start around 8am, waiting for her friends to arrive, so they could help her prepare for our meal ... e, wala pa kaming 10 na tao sa bahay, pero yung pine-prepare nya parang isang buong barangay yung kakain. Maaga pa lang, natatakam na kami sa food, pag pupunta kami sa kusina para tumikim . . . magagalit siya! hahahaha ..e kasi minsan ang cute nya pag nayayamot siya, kaya minsan kinakamay ko (kasama ko minsan si Kimi @creamycookies-world ) sa pangungulit. Tapos pag lunch time na, hihingi kami ng pagkain dun sa niluluto niya, ayaw niya .. may pinaluto pala siya na pang lunch talaga, tapos yun daw muna kainin namin kasi pang Noche Buena yung iba! E ang dami-dami nun! Pero ayaw niya! hahahahaha . . . those were my fondest memories of mom during Christmas. Kunwari ayaw na ayaw niya yung titikim kami sa mga niluluto niya ... pero kinikilig yun inside. Gusto niya yung kinukulit namin siya! Hahhahahaha .. muka lang siyang dragona pero ang totoo natutuwa yun! Lalo na pag mga pasta na yung niluluto niya. Sobrang sipag niya, she’s always thinking of others before herself. Tapos pag Noche Buena na, parang hindi na kami makakain lahat kasi sobrang dami talagang handa . . . kahit alam niya na hindi namin mauubos, dinadamihan niya pa din, kasi hindi lang pala kami kakain nun, handa din yun para dun sa mga tao na dadalaw sa bahay namin ng Christmas morning. Minsan, pami-pamilya yung dumadating, so kakain sila, tapos may take out pa pag uwi! Prepared talaga siya, hindi ka pwede pumasok sa bahay ng hindi kumakain. Tapos siya lang yung nandun sa kusina na nakikipag kwentuhan, kami lahat nasa kwarto. Thinking about it now . . . may konting regrets din ako . . . na sana pala, sinamahan ko siya mag entertain ng bisita or lumabas labas manlang ako ng kwarto ko para samahan siya magluto. Pero di ko ginawa kasi the introvert in me is strong! HAHAHAHA, pag sasabihin niya na may dadating, nagtatago na agad ako sa kwarto. 

There was a time na dumating yung mga kapatid niya for the holidays . . . mejo malakas pa siya nun, hindi pa siya nagddialysis. She was so happy. Siguro hanggang 4am sila nagkwentuhan! Grabe, nagsama-sama sila, ang ingay talaga, tapos ang lakas pa nila tumawa! hahahaha, I could here it echoing all the way from the hallway to my room, kasi yung room ko is at the end of the hallway from the kitchen. She was so happy. Pero matagal bago naulit ulit yun, kasi nagkaron na rin ng mga sakit yung mga kapatid niya, kaya hindi na sila makapagkita-kita! 

Sobrang daming memories . . . this time of year, hindi ko alam kung yung smell, yung weather or yung mismong araw na to yung nagttrigger sa memories ko. I don’t know, something about my brain .. when I remember something, it looks like a flashback of memories in my head, na parang nasa projector and I’m watching home videos, pero hindi ako yung may hawak ng camera, kasi nandun din ako sa memory. Naalala ko lahat, even the lines on her faces, her eyebrows, the smell in our old kitchen, yung feel ng paglalakad dun sa hallway approaching the kitchen . . . I remember the things that we talked about . . . pero yung mga important parts lang, tapos yung iba ang dating sa akin inaudible siya, pero pag dadating na yung parang important conversations ... I remember, like I was there, like it was happening all over again .. and again .. and again. It’s weird, pero I love that side of me though, I love that I am able to remember. My earliest memory was when I was 2 years old . . . I told my mom about it, sabi ko we were somewhere cold, I don’t know where, I know kasi sa memory ko ramdam ko yung lamig and naka-jacket ako, tapos, we were there visiting a pastor. I remember Dad, talking to the pastor and I remember I was playing, and my mom called me to run towards her with her warms wide open. Pero hanggang dun lang yung naaalala ko . . . that kept repeating over and over my head, kahit hindi ko iniisip minsan, basta napaka random. Then I saw a picture nung lilipat na kami dito sa Mindoro. Sabi ko, eto yung nasa memory ko, saan ba to? Sabi ni Daddy, sa Nueva Vizcaya daw ata yun, pero he’s not sure, nakalimutan niya na din! hahahaha . . . I love that I get to remember important details and moments in my life, pero it’s not always a blessing, kasi kapag naalala ko, nagfflashback sa utak ko, pati yung nararamdaman ko ng moment na  yun, nararamdaman ko din. Kaya when I had my first heartbreak, it was so hard to move on, kasi I feel the pain over and over again. Minsan nga kahit naka-move on na ko . . . nararamdaman ko pa din! Minsan hindi na bumabalik yung memories like a flashback when I choose to forget about it, pero I still remember what happened. Ang weird talaga! Hahahahaha .. if my brain is like a computer, my hard drive would be full. Siguro mga ilang libong external drives na yung nasa archive ko, para dun ko ilalagay lahat ng memories ko. Pero may mga memories lang na sadyang ayaw mapunta sa external drive, yung tipong kahit na ilagay ko sa external, naka save pa din sa main memory drive. Marami na akong memories na nilagay sa external drive, yung tipong hahalukayin ko na lang pag kelangan ko . . . lahat naka-save, lahat nakatago, panget man o magandang experiences, I chose to save it, kasi mahalaga sa akin yun. Kasi masaya alalahanin yung mga good memories and fun memories, pero because of the bad memories, marami din akong natutunan! Sometimes, I give too much of myself, pero naalala ko, hindi pala maganda yung mga nangyari if you give too much of yourself, kaya these bad memories are like break fluids, it makes you want to stop, slow down and think about what you’re doing before I mess everything up again! Kaya ... every memory ... I keep ‘em.

I have one memory though . . . na randomly, bigla ko na lang naiisip . . . pero siguro I’ll blog about it na lang next time, kasi mejo mabigat. Hindi ko pa siya ma-put into words . . . 

Well ... It’s Christmas Eve, mamaya, magluluto ako! Yes, ya better believe it, kasi wala kaming help this Christmas, my sister and I decided to cook, but knowing her . . . I know mas gusto niya mag hugas ng pinggan kesa magluto! HAHAHAHA ... Pero ayos lang, it’ll be fun! Mas masaya sana, if kumpleto kaming pamilya . . . pero, mabubuo din kami siguro, sa March, sa kasal ko. HAHAHHAA ... just really wanted to write something today, because I felt like writing. Hirap, there’s too much stuff in my head. 

Have a Merry Christmas Everyone! 

‘till my next blog! 

[junionigiri]

chapter 211 ramble

dfkjsal;kfjaslkfjcaslk;efcl;sefjca;lskejvfawke;sljaekswl;fjsaelkj

in other words, an ode to Monoma and his love for Shinsou, and a reconsideration for IzuOcha

- M-m-m-mONOSHIN

- FIRST PAGE

- I ALMOST SHORT CIRCUITED BEFORE I EVEN STARTED READING THIS CHAPTER OMG

- lil grade school Monoma being told by people “you’ll never be a superhero with that kind of quirk” waaah they’re the same!

- Shinsou just admit it you and Monoma are similar!!! in that regard at least!!!

- Monoma just schooled everyone who hated him for his words in the last chapter lol. “We both have to be open to seeing all things in shades of grey.” “In order to become heroes we sometimes have to do things unbecoming of heroes”. Haha those are the very words that the Monoma Stans from All Over have been saying for the past few weeks

- so in other words -- he’s self aware that he Said Bad Thing but it’s necessary in doing good as a hero!!! he’s good you guys!!! he’s good very good!!! please understand him!!!

- I don’t understand what he means about “the hopes and dreams you had as a child become a burden, in fact a curse”. maybe it’s a scanlation thing... i can’t get the context. Is he saying that a person with a quirk like him can’t be a pure White hero like those who “can do anything?”

- cut to Deku spurting all the black shit from his arm omg. I think this is the moment where he finally, finally sees that Deku isn’t as White as he seems to be.

- goooSSSSHHHH this is such good Monoma character development!!!

- And the boy can parkour in those leather shoes!

- I love that Deku almost kills him with that black lightning and the first thing Monoma shouts is “Shinsou-kun!!!”

- of course lol. Well at the very least he’s being a decent human being (making sure that his teammate is ok), and at the most he’s WORRIED ABOUT HIS CRUSH

- still--Deku is seriously scary... I feel so bad for him, it looks like those things hurt and they’re powerful enough to actually kill someone!!!!

- Shinsou is just stunned staring at Deku!!! I dunno if it’s just a really bad case of chronic bithc face but his face looks odd when Deku is yelling at him that he’s out of control. He doesn’t look as scared as he could be

- A lot of people called it, and they were right -- All Might yelling at the other teachers to stop the fight. Hurry up guys before someone dies wtf

- I love, love, love all the cuts to Ochako’s face. She scared not of the lightning, but of what’s happening to Deku

- just as an aside, IzuOcha isn’t my OTP because not a lot has happened to Ochako’s character ever since she realized that she has feelings for Deku apart from being jealous of Hatsume’s boobs

- but this... this is really good... without any regard of what can happen to her if she messes up, she just leaps to Deku to help him!!!

- that’s my girl!!!

- I love how brave she is!!! This is the same Ochako I loved at the start of the series, who is willing to help Izuku beyond her romantic feelings for him! And she’s calling out to Shinsou too! She has a plan in her head!!! She’s finally showing some gumption!!! You go Ochako!!!

- I feel like she’s going to ask Shinsou to brainwash Deku so that his quirk will shut off. Well that’s the only logical reason I can think of for her to call for Shinsou

- I love Shinsou’s look at the last bit. Like “damn wtf man I just wanna get to the hero course i ain’t sign up for this shit’ --- although in retrospect yeah you signed up for this Shinsou

- Gosh!!! I feel like this is how he’s going to showcase his bravery to the stafff!!!!! I hope he does well next week!!!!

- and i gotta add--gosh wtf Deku. I don’t know where to begin expressing my sorrow for this boy. all he has wanted from the start is to be a hero. I suppose the funny thing about all this is he, Monoma, and Shinsou are similar because they’ve been told as very small children that they can’t be heroes and now they’re facing each other proving to each other that they can be heroes

- .... but.... Deku malfunctions and now all his efforts might be all for nothing T_T ommmgggg.

Gosh I am so jflsakdjfslKDFJl;kf with this chapter I can’t even--let me express it in my mother tongue (you can ignore this part):

putang ina mo horikoshi. yung pinagipunan kong laksa singapura sa mr. ube hindi ko masyadong nalasahan dahil sa ginawa mo this week pota. alam mo ba kung magkano yun??? hindi siya mura besh tapos parang mainit na tubig lang ang lasa niya kumpara sa tamis ng pag-ibig ni monoma para kay shinsou putang ina sobrang saya ko. gago ka talaga hori hindi ko to inexpect hanggang sa pag-uwi ko sa grabshare ngumingiti akong mag-isa parang gago lang

joke lang besh mahal kita hori please keep writing monoshin!!!

at huwag mo naman patayin mga anak ko susmaryosep

i’ll probably rant more about this later hahahah oh my gosh im nervous but at the smae time so happy about THIS

[beliefmaker]

breaking my silence... EMEH

hello!

hahaha its been a long time char. Napadaan ulet ako dito dahil sa pangstastalk ni kenneth sa mga tumblr accounts at pagshare nya ng ‘mejo’ cringey na messages. Although napapadaan ako dito like 2 or 3 times a year hehehehe. 

I just want to address something. emeh! Angnostalgic ng feeling while reading my entries here and other texts related sakin. At the same time, very reflective yung experience (char). pero for real, totoo talaga lahat ng mga yon. Pati yung analysis ng Au sakin like “selfish”, “loud”, “boastful” at iba pa. Masakit ba yung mga salitang yon? noon shempre oo duh hahahahah pero ngayon hindi na yay! Yung words na mga yon nakatulong sakin to reevaluate (WAW BIG WORD) myself. EWWW. Thankful din naman ako sa mga natuwa, nagadmire sa traits ko na yon na kesyo gusto daw nila yung  kaya ko ipaglaban ang sarili ko palagi ksksksksks. My actions, at that time, sa tingin, ko yun lang kasi ang kaya kong gawin. Yun lang din noon yung feeling ko na dapat kong gawin. Pero na overdo ko plsshahaha sabi nga nila “Too much of anything is bad” (OH DI NYO KAYA MAY PAQUOTE)

I am not trying to justify my actions and character in general at that time. Hindi ko naman rin sinasabi na sobrang layo ko na sa junior high laurence na nakilala nyo. huhuhu i just want to open up ( A BIT) sa context ng life ko nung jhs which i consider at this moment “the lowest of my lows”. Based sa mga sinulat ko noon hahaha diba vague yung message or yung thought na gusto kong iparating pls. Nahihiya kasi ako at that time, pati ngayon mejo, hahah to open up. To let my vulnerability be seen (Tama lahat ng sinabi ni abcd sakin sa new year message nya pero dinelete nya huhuhuhu) Umiyak na man na rin ako nung jhs many times hahahah iba kasi yung level nito. My JHS life was messed up. Family problem ganern. Kung ang highlight ng jhs natin is intrams and high school days, nakisali tong problema na to. At everyday ko syang inisip. Paggising, pagligo, pagsakay ng jeep, flag ceremony, lectures, quizzes, hanggang sa pag-uwi at pagtulog. Pag uuwi, eh di sana nakapahinga ako diba pero yung problema nasa bahay mismo. (Shet umiiyak ako ngayon legit gagu). School ang naging escape ko hehehehe. pero nadala ko lahat ng galit at sakit unconsiously cguro. wala ka masyadong makausap ( si janae lang hahaha thank you sa lahat). Palagi kong nireremind ang sarili ko na everybody got problems pero di ko talaga kaya at that time. I kept praying tho, naka kneel pa palagi until i got tired so here i am now, an agnostic atheist (reference sa sinulat ko na becoming an atheist). Wala talaga akong mapaglabasan ng feelings at emotions huhuhu. mga relatives ko walang imik, kahit manlang support or words to cheer me up wala huhuhu. Last 2020, i cut them all off— yung mga nirerefer ko, even my lola. It feels peaceful hehehe yung hindi ka na nakikipagplastikan sa kanila. Kaya yun nga cguro ( hindi to justifiable pero baka lang naman) feeling ko kailangan kong unahin sarili ko sa lahat ng bagay FLEECE. Mali kasi nasobrahan at nakakasakit ng ibang tao. Put your self first lang ang nakuha ng wifi ko.

 2017, when my lolo died hindi ako nakapaggrieve nang maayos kaya i felt sorry and guilty. Puno ako ng galit noon, never akong umiyak hanggang sa burol nya. Imagine noh at that time hormonal teenager ako so ibang level talaga yung effect sa emotional and mental health. Lahat ng Holidays noon kahit mukhang masaya deep inside hinde. Constantly,  inisip kung kailan matatapos. Nagattend ako ng leadership training nung 2017 din yon sa may antipolo at manila just to escape again. To forget at the meantime. SURPRISE HINDI MO TALAGA MATATANGGAL SA ISIP. Daming ganap nung jhs hahaha ansama. dagdag pa yung finding, accepting and embracing my sexuality na sobrang hirap.

Pero ika nga ni jolina magdangal, “it gets better” or naging manhid lang ako. Senior high mejo meron parin yung problema pero di na ganon ako mashado affected. Ngayon di na pero at times naiisip ko parin. Yun nga, now, I am trying to better myself (tama ba yung grammar BASTA). It’s one step at a time EMZ. Thank you sa lahat ng advices na binigay nyo. Sorry sa lahat nang nagawa ko. As much as i want to throw jhs laurence away, i’m reminded that it is a part of me. Meron parin yung mga ugali kong yon, pero di na sobra, cguro HAHAHAH pero, again, I am trying.

[akosigervicio]

“Monay”

(Picture not mine. Credit to the rightful owner)

Hi, ako nga pala si Francis Just call me France for short. It was really a rough time for me lately knowing na yung partner ko pala is having an affair with my mortal enemy. the moment I decide to end my life at tumalon sa tulay, may isang pulubi ang humila sakin para iligtas ako. And that was Marco. Tinanong nya ako bakit ako umiiyak pero there is no voice coming out from my mouth and all i do is to sob to death. He Tap my back while saying “mahirap ang buhay pero di mo dapat itapon ang buhay mo ng basta basta, maswerte ka pa din na nabubuhay ka ng marangal”. that moment tumigil ang luha ko at narealize ko na tama nga sya na mas maswerte pa din ako compare sa kanya. I ask him bakit nya ako iniligtas and he just smile. Medyo natauhan ako sa sinabi nya at out nowhere bigla nya ako inabutan ng isang tinapay. “Gusto mo ba ng Monay?” yun ang sabi nya habang nakangiti sya.

Dumaan pa ang mga oras tsaka ko lang napansin na gumaan na ang pakiramdam ko habang kausap sya. Tinanong ko sya “San ka nakatira Marco?”. “dyan lang sa tabi tabi” sabi nya. Tinanong ko sya kung wala ba syang pamilya at tahimik lang sya na tumingin sakin. Hinila ko sya at sabay tumabok papunta sa kotse. Medyo parang naguguluhan sya pero sinabi ko sa kanya na “bat di ka na lang sumama sakin tutal mag isa lang din naman ako”. Sumagot sya sakin na “baka madumihan ko ang sasakyan mo?”. “Wala yun kumpara sa pagligtas mo sa buhay ko!” ang sagot ko naman.

Pagdating namin sa bahay nasa may gate ang bestfriend ko na si Diodelyn. “Oit Lyn anong ginagawa mo dito?” nagtataka ko na tanong sa kanya. Bigla nya ako niyakap habang umiiyak at sinabi nya sakin “B***h are you insane?, I am so worried about you! I’ve been calling you since I heard the news and you don’t even mind to pick up your phone!” niyakap ko din sya while crying and super sorry ako na pinagalala ko sya. at after namin magiyakan dalawa tsaka ko lang naalala si Marco na nasa likod namin.

Marco’s POV:

Sino kaya sya? ang ganda naman nya para syang Anghel na bumaba sa lupa 😍. kaso sigurado ako na di nya ako papansinin o baka mamaya sungitan lang din nya ako gaya ng ibang mayayaman na nakikita ko 🥺. Mukhang kailangan ko na sila iwan kasi di naman na ata ako kailangan ni france.

Mukhang papaalis na si Marco ng lumingon ako at naisipan na ipakilala sya kay Lyn. “oit Marco san ka pupunta? by the way sya nga pala si Lyn Bestfriend ko” sabay turo ko kay bessy. I think medyo nandidiri sa kanya si Lyn, ofcourse i know hate na hate nya yung mga pulubi. Medyo masama na din ang tingin sakin ni Lyn kaya inaya ko na silang dalawa papasok ng bahay.

Sinamahan ko si Marco papunta sa guest room at sinabi ko sa kanya na maligo muna sya sabay abot ng mga damit ko at towel sa kanya. “Pasensya kana kay Lyn di kasi sya sanay na may iba ako kasama bukod sa kanila ng Ex ko!”. “Bakit sila lang ba ang mga kaibigan mo?” ang sabi ni Marco. I just smiled sabay sabing “Pano maiwan muna kita dyan. mag luto lang ako ng foods para satin.”

Papunta pa lang ako kay Lyn sa may sala ng biglang nag Ring ang Doorbell. isip isip ko na sino kaya yun eh wala naman ako inaasahan na bisita. Pumunta ako sa may main door at nagulat ako. “Christine, anong ginagawa mo dito?”. “Tumawag kasi sakin kanina si Lyn and hinahanap ka since bigla ka na lang nawala sa office kaya naisipan ko na icheck ka sa bahay mo” sagot ni Christine. “ah yun ba? sige pasok ka muna” yun na lang ang nasabi ko kay Christine habang napapakamot sa ulo. Naisip ko na lang na grabe ko pala talaga pinagalala si Christine na pati Officemate ko kailangan pa nyang tawagan.

Christine’s POV

Buti na lang okay si France. Nagalala talaga ako ng tumawag sakin kanina si Lyn, eh hindi naman kami talaga ganun ka close kahit na classmate kami ng college. Ano ba kasi nangyari dito kay France at bigla na lang sya nawala sa office kanina after lunch. Naalala ko tuloy nung First day ko sa office at bigla nagaya ng diner out si boss. Nalasing talaga ako nung time na yun buti na lang nandun si France at inalalayan nya ako hanggang sa makauwi kami. Simula noon di na sya maalis sa isipan ko. Chivalry is not dead pag dating kay France.

Sinamahan ko si Christine papunta kay Lyn sa may sala. “girls maiwan ko muna kayo dyan mag luto lang ako ng makakainin natin”. Naalala ko na may Pizza dough pa nga pala ako sa ref kaya yung na lang ang iprepare ko para mas mabilis. Habang nasa oven pa yung pizza naisipan ko din na mag luto ng fries since nag ne Netflix naman sina Lyn at Christine.

Dinala ko na sa sala ang mga foods nang biglang lumabas sa guest room si Marco. Napatingin kaming lahat sa kanya kasi basa pa ang kanyang buhok at wala syang suot na shirt. “may ibang damit ka pa ba dyan France? masikip kasi yung nabigay mo sakin.” “ah ganun ba! teka lang hanapan kita ng mas malaking damit”. Sumunod sya sakin hanggang sa kwarto ko. Medyo nahiya nga ako kasi sobrang kalat dun.

Habang naghahanap ako ng damit na kasya sa kanya, di ko napansin na naglilinis na sya ng kalat sa kwarto ko. “ui hayaan mo na yan” sabi ko ng makita ko sya. “hindi okay lang! ako na bahala dito sa paglilinis ng kalat para naman kahit papano makabawi ako sa’yo sa pagapatuloy mo sakin dito sa bahay mo!” sagot ni Marco. Natawa na lang ako sabay sabi sa kanya na “mamaya ko na lang yan linisin. Kumain muna tayo for sure di ka naman nabusog dun sa isang monay na kinain natin kanina!” sabay hila sa kanya papunta kina Christine at Lyn.

After few hours nagdecide na sina Lyn at Christine na umuwi. “Bessy it’s already late. Pano mauna na kami ni Christine!” ang sabi ni Lyn. “Just take your Leave and ako na muna bahala sa office. So pano uwi na kami” sabi naman ni Christine. “Drive safe girls and thank you so much for both of you!” ang sabi ko habang inihahatid sila hanggang sa may gate na kasama si Marco.

Napansin ko na habang pinapanood namin na makaalis ang sasakyan nina Lyn eh parang may tinitingnan sa malayo si Marco. “Okay ka lang ba?”. “May napansin kasi ako na tao kanina ng dumating tayo parang nakatingin dito sa bahay mo at ng umalis sina Lyn eh tsaka lang din umalis yung tao na yun.” ang sabi ni Marco. “malay mo nagkataon lang din yun? tara pasok na tayo ng makapag pahinga na din.” sagot ko kay Marco na parang hindi naniniwala sa nakita nya.

Jem’s POV

ano kaya ang ginagawa ni Lyn sa bahay na yun? at bakit may isa pang babae na dumating after nila makapasok? mahigit tatlong oras na pero di pa rin sya umaalis. madalas naman pag pumupunta sya bahay na to eh di naman sya nagtatagal ng kalahating oras! Kailangan ko ng makakuha pa ng mas maraming ebidensya laban sa kanya. Teka mukhang pauwi na din sila sa wakas. S**t napansin yata ako nung bagong lalaki na kasama nila. Mukhang kailangan ko na din talaga umalis bago pa nila ako paghinalaan.

It’s been a month since dito na tumira sa bahay si Marco and mas naging magaan ang buhay ko since sobrang maasahan nya sa bahay and lagi ko sya nakakausap anytime na may problema ako. He even insist to do all the household choirs para daw makabayad man lang sya sakin sa pagpapatira ko sa kanya. At first I disagree since baka isipin nya na kaya ko sya pinatira dito sa bahay is para gawin sya na katulong but in fact na i want to repay him sa pagsagip nya sa buhay ko and helping me realize na it is nice to live. We even get closer as time pass by.

“Marco sama ka sakin mamaya punta tayo kina Lyn may Party sa kanila”. “Hindi naman ako mahilig sa mga ganyan party France, isa pa wala din naman ako isusuot. Panigurado susyalan na party yun!” sagot ni Marco. “ako na bahala sayo mamaya tsaka nandun din si Christine kaya for sure hindi ka naman ma out of Place dun.” sabi ko naman para mapilit sya. Actually hindi rin kasi ako party goer but since bestfriend ko nga si Lyn kaya i need to be there.

So bago kami pumunta kina Lyn, Dinaanan muna namin si Christine para sabay sabay na kami. And pag dating namin dun nakita ko kaagad si Ate Jenny. So nag Hi muna ako sa kanya bago ko hanapin si Lyn. Actually okay naman kami ni ate Jenny although hindi nga sila magkasundo ni Lyn since opposite yung attitude nila. “Hey France, how you doin?” sabi ni ate Jenny sakin sabay beso. “kelan ka po dumating from state Ate Jenny?” bati ko naman sa kanya. “Actually kahapon lang since nabalitaan ko na may kagagahan na naman na ginawa yang si Lyn!” medyo naiinis na sabi ni ate Jenny. “ah yung nahuli po ba sya dahil sa drag racing?” sagot ko naman. “Exactly! and she even don’t know how to fix her own mess. one time hahayaan ko na lang sya makulong ng matuto naman sya! i don’t know nga kung paano mo natatagalan yang kapatid ko na yan!” sabi pa ni ate Lyn. So since ayoko mag meddle sa kanilang dalawa kaya smile na lang ang sinagot ko kay ate Lyn. Buti na lang dumating kung neighbor nila na si Ate Ley kaya nakatakas ako kay ate Jenny.

Ley’s POV

Sino naman kaya yung mga kasama ni France? I bet mga trouble maker din yan katulad ni Lyn. sakto andun si jenny makalapit nga sa kanila at baka may masagap pa ako na chikka. For sure di naman to uuwi sa pinas kung walang trouble na ginawa yung magaling nya na kapatid.

Jenny’s POV

hayy andito na naman si Ley, ang lakas talaga ng radar ng babae na to. i bet may isusumbong na naman yan tungkol sa magaling ko na kapatid. anyway atlist may cctv ako dito kay Lyn pag nasa states ako.

I admit na medyo nagenjoy ako sa party at di ko napansin na nawawala na pala sa tabi ko si marco. And nakita ko na lang sya na may kausap na babae na waitress. They seem close kasi nagtatawanan pa sila habang naguusap. So i decided na lapitan sila and to check kung anong meron.

Apples POV

Si marco ba yun? anong ginagawa nya sa sosyal na party katulad nito? medyo matagal ko na din sya di napapansin sa lugar namin kala ko kung ano na nangyari sa kanya tapos dito ko lang pala sya makikita sa party na organized ng boss ko. Namiss ko na asarahin tong g**o na to. Lapitan ko kaya sya kunyari tas bangain para ma check kung sya nga talaga yun.

Marco’s POV

Abnormal talaga tong si Apple. Kailangan pa talaga ako banggain para mapansin ko sya. Buti na lang di nadumihan yung damit na pinahiram ni France. Yari sana ako kung nagkataon mamahalin pa naman mga gamit nya. Siguro naman okay lang na makipag kwentuhan muna ako sa kanya sandali kasi namiss ko din ‘tong bully na to. At isa pa busy naman sina France, Lyn at Christine sa mga classmates nila nung college.

“Hey Marco, kanina pa kita hinahanap!” sabi ko sa kanya. “oit France pasensya kana nakita ko kasi yung kaibigan ko dun sa lugar namin. By the way si Apple nga pala. Tas Apple si France nga pala sya yung kinukwento ko na tumulong sakin na Friend ni Lyn yung may paparty dito.” sagot sa akin ni Marco. Ngumiti ako sa kanya at nag Hi kay Apple. “Ay sir pasensya na po, hindi ko naman po sinasadya na makipag kwentuhan ng matagal sa mokong na to! Balik na po ako sa pag seserve.” sabi naman ni Apple. “ Ah no worries, I just never imagine na may makikita si Marco dito sa party na kakilala nya. And it’s good to see na tumawa sya habang may kausap. normally kasi seryoso sya pag kami lang magkasama!” sabi ko naman. “Oy hindi totoo yan ah, masyado ka lang lagi madaming ginagawa kaya ayoko na istorbohin ka” sagot naman ni Marco. “teka, magjowa po ba kayo?” sabay tawa na tanong ni Apple. Medyo nagblush ako and honestly di ko alam isasagot ko kaya nag smile na lang ako sa kanya. “Hindi ah! nakikitira lang ako sa bahay nya since alam mo naman na wala na ako matutuluyan and simula nun naging close na kami. Diba France?” mabilis na sagot ni Marco! Medyo parang may kirot sa dibdib ko nung marinig ko na sinabi ni yun Marco. So i just smiled at them. At para maitago ko na medyo na hurt ako sa sinabi nya eh nag decide na lang ako bumalik kina Christine at Lyn. “So pano maiwan ko muna kayo dyan. And Marco remember naka duty sya so iwasan nyo na lang na mapaglitan sya ng boss nya.

Marco’s POV

Okay lang kaya si France? may nasabi ba ako na hindi maganda? bigla kasi nagbago yung mood nya. Anyway baka naman pagod lang sya kasi dami din lumalapit sa kanya kanina para kamustahin sya. Siguro sobrang sikat nya nung estudyante pa sya. Siguro sa bahay ko na lang sya kausapin mamaya. Enjoyin ko muna yung oras kasama si Apple kasi panigurado matagal na naman kami magkikita after nito.

Medyo late na din natapos yung party and sobrang na drained ako, isa pa ang sakit na ng mga paa ko. Pagdating namin nito sa bahay for sure knock out na naman ako. Mukhang napagod din si marco kasi nakatulog na sya sa byahe pa lang namin pauwi. Di ko mapigilan na panoorin sya habang natutulog kasi para syang anghel. i don’t know pero lately pag nakikita ko sya eh ang bilis ng heartbeat ko. Although Alam ko naman na hindi ganun yung nararamdaman nya sakin. Ayoko naman umamin sa kanya kasi baka mailang sya sakin. Siguro okay lang na ganito muna kami sa isa’t isa.

Marco’s POV

Kanina ko pa napapansin na lingon ng lingon sakin si France. kahit nakapikit ako ramdam ko na parang may gumugulo sa kanya. Ayoko naman mag tanong sa kanya kasi sa pagkakakilala ko sa kanya mag kwekwento naman sya or sasabihin naman nya sakin kung may problema ba sya or may ayaw sya na nagawa ko. Isa pa baka bad mood pa din sya sakin gawa ng bigla ako nawala sa party kanina tas nakita nyo ako kasama si Apple. Magpapanggap na lang siguro ako na tulog since hindi ko din alam ang sasabihin ko sa kanya. Mas Okay na siguro yung ganito muna.

“Marco, nandito na tayo sa bahay” sabay tapik ko sa kanya. “Una na ako sa loob ng bahay ilock mo na lang yung pinto pagkapasok mo!” sabi ko kay Marco habang nagmamadali papasok sa kwarto ko. Di na ako lumingon sa kanya kasi baka lalo pa ako maguluhan siguro palipasin ko muna yung mga araw at baka mawala din yung nararamdaman ko sa kanya ngayon.

Marco’s POV

Oww S*** mukhang galit nga sya sakin. Bakit sya nagmamadali papasok sa kwarto nya di man lang nya ako tiningnan habang kinakausap nya. Ano ba nagawa ko na mali sa kanya? pano ako makakabawi kung ano man yun nagawa ko na mali? Ayoko na sumama yung loob nya kasi sobrang laki na ng naitulong nya sakin.

Ang bigat ng ulo ko and almost noon time na din pala. Ayoko ko pa sana lumabas ng kwarto kasi for sure makikita ko si Marco. Isa pa gusto ko pa sana matulog kaso nagugutom na talaga ako. Normally kasi di naman ako nagbebreakfast but i don’t know why pero kanina pa ako may naamoy na mabango kaya nagutom tuloy ako. Let’s act normal na lng siguro sa harap nya.

So lumabas na nga ako ng kwarto para kumain. “Good Morning, ready na yung breakfast mo” ang bati sakin ni Marco. “Actually Brunch na nga eh” pangaasara ko pa sa kanya. Medyo nacurious ako kung bat nagluto sya ngayon ng breakfast. Normally naman bumibili lang sya ng Monay at nag priprito ng itlog at hotdog for breakfast. “So anong meron?” tanong ko sa kanya na may halong pagtataka kasi di ko pa alam yung niluto nya. “may Brewed Coffee, French Toast, cheese, Bacon, Pan Cake na may Butter at Honey” sagot nya sakin. Wow favorite ko lahat yun pero pano nya nalaman yun?. “wait ang ano sabi mo? seryoso ba yan?” pabigla ko na sagot sa kanya. “Oo” sabi ni Marco habang nakaturo sa lamesa. “Wow, Thank you so much Marco. Pano mo nalaman na favorite ko lahat ng to?” nakangiti na sabi ko sa kanya. “Actually tinanong ko talaga si Lyn kung ano yung mga gusto mo. Kain kana bago pa lumamig” sagot ni Marco na para bang nahihiya.

Marco’s POV

Buti na lang nagustuhan nya yung niluto ko. Tagal ko din hinanap yung recipe nun online kasi di naman ako familiar dun. isa pa di ko din alam kung tama ba yung lasa. Inaasahan ko na magkwekwento sya kung bat sya nagiba ang mood kagabi, pero mukhang Okay na naman kami kaya mabuti pa siguro na wag na lang magtanong total normal na naman ulit ang lahat. At isa pa nakangiti na sya habang kinakain yung mga pinagpuyatan ko. 😊

Lumipas ang mga araw at naging okay na naman kaming dalawa. Yun nga lang biglang dumating sa bahay si Lyn at sinabi na baka pwedeng dito din muna sya sa bahay tumira since ayaw nya nga makita yung ate Jenny nya. Normal naman na sakin yung scenario na ganito pero dalawa lang yung kwarto ko dito sa bahay at tatlo na kami. So tinanong ko si Marco kung pede dun lang din muna sya sa room ko matulog tas si Lyn yung gagamit ng Guest room. Okay lang naman sa kanya pero awkward sakin. Alam nya kasi kung ano ako and isa pa ayoko na maconfused na naman.

ilang araw pa ang dumaan at mukhang nagiging close na si Lyn at si Marco. Minsan nga parang wala ako sa tabi nila kung magusap silang dalawa. Nagkakasundo na sila sa mga Movies and Series na pinapanood nila. Anyway di ko naman sila masisisi kasi sila yung naiiwan sa bahay if ever kailangan ko pumasok sa office. Si Lyn naman kasi is Freelance so mas madalas nasa bahay lang din sya.

Dumating nga yung araw na kinatatakutan ko. habang nakahiga kami ni Marco. Bigla nya nasabi sakin na may gusto na daw sya kay Lyn. Masaya nya nakwento kung ano yung nagustuhan nya ka Lyn. Habang nakatalikod ako sa kanya di ko mapigilan na tumulo ang luha ko kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na mahal ko na sya. Pero mahal ko din si Lyn kasi bestfriend ko sya at nakita ko na masaya din sya na kasama si Marco. Nagpanggap ako na tulog na ng tinawag ni Marco ang pangalan ko para tanungin yung opinion ko. Ayoko na marinig nya yung boses ko na umiiyak. That moment tumahimik na din sya at bago sya matulog inayos pa nya yung kumot. Ramdam ko na hinaplos pa nya yung buhok ko tsaka sinabi na “Good night France.

Pagising ko wala na si Marco. Mukhang nag jogging na naman sila ni Lyn. Buti na lang at wala sila atleast di nila makikita yung namamaga ko na mata. So I need to leave bago pa sila bumalik para di nila ako makita.

Marco’s POV

chance ko na para umamin kay Lyn. Sapalagay ko naman eh parehas kami ng nararamdaman.

That day umamin na nga si Marco kay Lyn tungkol sa nararamdaman nya habang nagjojogging sila. Hindi alam nila Marco at Lyn ang panganib na nagaabang sa kanila.

Lyn’s POV

What will I do? Purely friendship lang talaga yung nararamdaman ko kay Marco at isa pa I’m in a complicated relationship and with all the secrets that i have kahit si France walang alam dun. And knowing France alam ko na gusto nya din si Marco.

Jem’s POV

I think this is the time para mahuli na namin si Lyn. Malaking sindikato ang kinasangkutan nya at sapat na ang mga ebidensya natin. Matagal na din natin sila minaman manan. Sakto na dito pa talaga sila park nag jogging at nandito na din ang buong team ko. Kaya chance na namin to.

While i was driving to work napansin ko na parang ang bilis ng takbo ni Marco and Lyn. And i noticed na parang may humahabol sa kanila. Later i know nakapag Uturn na ako aiming to help both of them. I Drive fast and and open my car door instanly saying “Hop on” and when they finally get in I hit the gas pedal as hard as i can. All in my head right know is to drive fast in order to out run those thugs chasings them. I have no time to ask them what happen. We need to survive this first. I don’t know kung san kami pupunta or hanggang gaano kalayo yung kailangan ko na idrive.

After we lost them tsaka ko lang sila natanong. “what the hell is happening?”. “I’m in a big trouble right now” sabi ni Lyn. “Tanda mo ba yung sinabi ko sayo na parang may kahinahinala na tao sa labas ng bahay mo nung una mo ako na dinala dun? Parang sila yung humahabol samin!” sagot naman ni Marco. “Lyn, spit it out!” medyo galit at clueless ko na sabi sa kanya. “France, alam ko na magagalit ka pero please help me first” nagmamakaawa nya na sabi sakin. “Is this about your newly addiction sa drag racing?” tanong ko kay Lyn. “Honestly France, lahat ng ito is nagsimula dun!” simula ng kwento nya habang umiiyak. “Lets Drive first sa Rest house nila mama sa Naic, wala nakakaalam nun at i think safe naman tayo dun for now. Once we get there kailangan mo ikwento sakin lahat ng details as in lahat”. yun na lang ang nasabi ko kay Lyn sa sobrang inis ko sa kanya!

tanghali na kami nakarating sa rest house. I told them na pumasok muna at need ko pa kausapin ung care taker. After ko makausap yung care taker ay dumiretso na ako sa sala at nakita ko na patuloy pa din sa pag iyak si Lyn at si Marco naman ay pilit sya na pinapatahan. “So what now? pede mo na ba ikwento sakin lahat ng nangyari?” sabi ko kay Lyn after ko umupo sa tabi nila. Medyo tumigil sa pagiyak saglit si Lyn at sinabi nya na “alam ko na sasabihin mo na naman na ang t***a t***a ko and i admit it”. I tend to listen in every words she says. Gusto ko sya saktan ng oras na yun pero di ko magawa. Nalaman ko na dahil sa drag racing nainvolve sya sa isang drug lord. what’s worse is medyo naadik na din sya sa ilegal pills. At based sa kabya eh mahal na mahal daw nya yung g**o na yun. i know na parang iniwan ko sya sa ere that time and I can’t blame her kasi yun yung oras na lagi na kami nagaaway ng Ex ko and after naman nun is nakilala ko si Marco kaya feeling ko napabayaan ko din sya noong time na yun. I know na narinig lahat yun ni marco kahit medyo malayo sya samin at alam ko na nasasaktan sya kasi every time na lumilingon ako sa kanya eh parang nagpupunas sya ng mata nya. Niyakap ko si Lyn hanggang sa makatulog sya. I promised her na di ko sasabihin lahat ng to kay Ate Jenny. But I have no choice, alam ko na si Ate Jenny lang ang makakatulong samin sa sobrang dami nya na connections. We don’t usually fight pero when times comes di pa rin namin maiwan ang isat isa.

habang tulog si Lyn iniwan ko muna sya sa sala para kausapin si Marco. Nasa may swing sya sa may garden. Tinabihan ko sya para mag smoke and pabiro ko sya na inalok ng yosi,although alam ko naman na di sya nagyoyosi. Nagulat na lang ako at kumuha sya at biglang nagsimula na magyosi. “Hey, I know how i feels!” sabi ko kay Marco. “ No, wala kang alam! ngayon lang ako nagkagusto ng ganito.” malungkot nya na sagot sakin. “Believe me, i know better than you do”. “di ka pa din ba nakakamove on sa EX mo? akala ko ba okay kana? alam mo naman na pwede mo ako kausapin anytime di ba?” nagulat ako sa sinabi na yun ni Marco at out of nowhere di ko napigilan yung sarili ko na umamin sa kanya “OO, sapalagay ko mahal na kita, at nasaktan ako sa mga nakwento mo sakin kagabi about sa feelings mo kay Lyn!” nagulat din ako sa nasabi ko na yun kay Marco kaya bago ko pa marinig ang sagot nya minabuti ko na lang tumakbo papasok ng bahay. Pagkasara ko ng pinto gusto ko na lang lumubog sa lupa sa sobrang hiya. At ng tiningnan ko sya, sa palagay ko ay nabigla din sya dahil di man lang sya gumalaw sa kinauupuan nya. So i decided na pumunta sa kwarto at magpahinga na lang din muna. Siguro di ko lang kinakaya yung mga nangyayari ngayon kaya pati ako nawawalan ng self control.

Di ko namalayan na gumabi na pla. Lumabas ako ng kwarto para sana i check sila. Sakto at gising na si Lyn. Si Marco naman mukhang naghahanda na para mag dinner. Napansin ko na umuulan sa labas. nasabi ko na lang sa isip ko na “ano ba naman yan patu yung langit nakikiramay sa lungkot namin lahat”. “Kain na tayo, nakaluto na ako!” sabi ni Marco na parang walang nangyari. Paupo pa lang sana ako ng dining table ng dumating yung care taker namin. “Sir France, Sir France may mga Pulis po sa labas hinahanap po si Ms. Lyn!” naghahabol hininga na sabi ng caretaker. nagulat kaming lahat at Hindi alam ang gagawin. Bago pa ako ako makapagisip ay nahila na ako ni Marco at Lyn palabas ng back door. Tumakbo kami sa malawak ng bukid ng may narinig kami na “TIGIL, WALANG GAGALAW KUNG HINDI MAGPAPAPUTOK KAMI!”. Patuloy pa din sa pag takbo si Lyn kasunod ako at si Marco. Nang bigla na lang kami may narinig na isang malakas na putok. Biglang umakbay sakin si Marco at parehas kami na natumba samantalang si Lyn ay patuloy pa rin sa pagtakbo.

Nang mga oras na yun dun ko na lang nakita na may tama na pala ng baril si Marco. Sa sobrang gulat ko, di ko alam ang gagawin kaya napaiyak na lang ako. “Marco. wag mo akong iiwan” sabi ko sa kanya habang umiiyak. Ngumiti sakin si Marco at sinabi na “Nasaktan ka ba?” umiling lang ako habang patuloy na umaagos ang luha sa mga mata ko. may pilit sya na kinuha sa bulsa nya at inabot sakin na papel “wag ka umiyak, mas gusto kita na nakikitang nakangiti!”. Sa mga oras na yun nakalapit na samin ang mga pulis ang hinila nila ako papalayo kay Marco upang posasan. Samantalang ang ibang pulis naman ay patuloy ang paghabol kay Lyn.

Hindi ko akalain na yun na pala ang huling salita na maririnig ko kay Marco. Di na sya umabot ng dinala sya sa ospital ayon sa mga pulis. Si Lyn naman nagawan ng paraan ni ate Jenny na di sya makulong. Isang Linggo na din ng mawala si Marco at buong week lang ako nagkulong sa kwarto. That day nagind suicidal na naman ako. Habang naghahanap ako ng cutter sa drawer ay may nakita ako na papel na may bahid ng dugo. Naalala ko na ito pala yung papel na binigay ni Marco bago sya mawala.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Francis,

Alam ko yung pakiramdam na lihim ka nagmamahal sa isang tao. Gusto ko sana na malaman mo na mahal na mahal din kita. Siguro nagandahan lang ako kay Lyn kaya nasabi ko sayo na gusto ko sya. Nung umamin ka sakin kanina hindi ko alam kung bakit pero natuwa ako. Hindi ako nakapagreact agad sayo kasi narealize ko din nung oras na yun kung ano yung tunay na nararamdaman ko sayo. Di mo lang alam kung gaano ako kasaya ng mga oras na yun. Medyo corny pero alam mo ba ayaw ko na nakikita ka na malungkot kasi nalulungkot din ako. Gusto ko na kasama ka palagi. At di ko kaya na nagagalit ka o di mo ako pinapansin. Habang sinusulat ko to ay niluluto ko na ang paborito mo na ulam. Masaya ako na makita ka na ngumingiti habang kumakain.

Nung araw na nagkakilala tayo, aaminin ko sayo na ung monay lang talaga yung pagkain ko nung araw na yun. Ewan ko ba pero naisip ko nung mga oras na yun na baka nagugutom ka lang kaya mo naisipan tumalon. Natawa pa ako nun kasi nakangiti ka na nun habang kinakain mo yung monay.

Nahihiya ako sayo ang totoo lang kasi late ko na narealize yung nararamdaman ko sayo. Gusto ko malaman mo na gusto kita protektahan buong buhay ko. Gusto ko makita ka lagi na masaya. At gusto ko na mabuhay ka pa ng matagal. Lagi mo tandaan na nandito ako sa tabi mo ano mang oras.

Di ko man masabi sayo ng harapan kaya ipaparamdam ko na lang sayo kung gaano kita kamahal. Alagaan mo ang sarili mo kasi sobra akong malulungkot pag may di magandang nangyari sayo.

Love,

Marco

P.S.

Thank you kasi nakilala kita. Thank you kasi naranasan ko na magkaron ng pamilya at higit sa lahat isang tao na sobrang nagmamahal sakin at pinapahalagahan ako. Lagi mo tandaan na Mahal na mahal kita. 😘

____________________________________________________________________________________

After that day i decided to live well para kay Marco. And isang araw may kumatok na pulis at sinabi nya sakin na bago mawalan ng hininga si marco eh nakiusap sya sa mga pulis na kung pede idonate yung mata nya at yung puso nya if ever man may mangyari sa kanya. At luckily naidonate daw ito sa iisang tao. Bago pa umalis yung pulis nasabi nya sakin na hindi daw ako sinasadya paputukan ng pulis na kasamahan nya nagkataon din daw na nakita ni Marco ang akma na magpapaputok ang kasamahan ng pulis, kaya iniharang nya ang katawan nya para maprotektahan ako. That time tumulo bigla ang luha ko at nasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko na “I wish na sana sa future makita ko ulit kahit ang mga mata lang nya para masabi na sobra akong thankful at dumating sya sa buhay ko at salamat sa lagi nya na pagliligtas sakin!”

[jodierolls]

(Draft from November)

September 28, 2019

I was in Baguio, preparing for taking LET the next day. It was months of preparation and I’ve built enough anxiety and stress to the point that I always find my self shaking whenever I get the thought of the coming day. I also got the greatest self doubt I ever gave to myself, never believed that I’d pass. I was even preparing myself to resign on my current occupation in case that everything goes off.. syempre sino ba naman ako para maging confident pumasa.  Di naman ako sobrang talino at wala pa kong anim na buwan na nagreview and among nearly 80,000 takers per exam 20,000 lang pumapasa and I’m not even an educ grad.Really, I was at my lowest for these past months. And this ... 28th day of September came. I was busy being with my school group in Baguio, visiting our own LET school placements and rooms so that we won’t be lost on the day of the exam. We had home made lunch at a friend’s house where I felt the Earth shook a little. It was an uncanny feeling but didn’t brought it up. I also got into the first fog that was taking place on the streets of Baguio. When we got back to our transient house, it was afternoon. We were supposed to raise hell and review a bit  more and that’s when ... I ... got .. the news .. “Wala na si papa” “ Umuwi ka na” . a month later writing this, sobrang sakit pa rin kahit na sabihin yung mga salitang ‘yon . And yes, I planned to leave and go home that instant. “It’s over” that’s what I thought. What’s the point of taking LET when the one of the most important person to you is gone. I am so lost. If ever, to whom... would I dedicate my passing results? To the people that never watched me grow up and be the person I’d want to be ? To the people that doesn’t even remind me to eat regularly and buy me a lot of coffee, cups, socks and shirts because their my favorite things? To people that I can't tell my deepest fears. Lol I thought failing was a deep fear. Papa, was that person. Aside from mama, he was the first person that understands me because we think alike. Papa was always ready to catch me and provide guidance whenever I need it. He the most patient person ever. Like me, he was more fond of writing down his thoughts rather than personally talking about it. He was fine. Imperfect but okay. He took me to perfect dates whenever he can even though he gave me a challenging childhood. He loved me and he knows he's my dearest. I'm his sweetheart... I'm carrying that lifetime password forever. Just like this my thoughts of him were flooding my mind and it overflowed through my eyes. As I ponder the news of his death, I run through the last time we met, I came home from Aurora in July and we were supposed to celebrate my birthday but failed to because he was sick; the last words I said, "Pagaling ka pa! Sayang uwi ko!" and he flashed his tight lipped smile to me as if it was was one of my usual jokes; the last words he sent me "Dapat nagdala ka ng jacket at medyas! Bumili ka dyan!" when I was whining about how cold Baguio was. I wasn't fond of chatting for months even though I held my phone most of the time. Back to the reality, did I feel regret? No. He understood me and I understoom him back. We are who we are because of each other. What I felt was tremendous amount of grief and I was a total wreck that afternoon. I cried for hours wanting to give up and go home. My friends didn't let me because "Gugustuhin ni Papa mo mag-take ka ng exam" and it was true. I had the worst headache in my 24 years of existence because of crying so much and that's another huge plus of me doubting if I can take the exam the next day. Can't even think of what would happen if I breakdown in the examination room while taking the test. I was a mess. I didn't go home, I didn't review even though I tried to read but tears was technically leaking out. I was tired of crying and found myself sleeping, then waking up and crying again- it felt like an endless night for me. Finally my manager got the news and checked me if I can take the test; also assured that it's okay if I can't and do whatever I think is best.

September 29, 2019

I woke up fine and felt that I can physically take the exam mentally and emotionally? NOT. Funny, the first thing I thought of was I a main character somewhere? Is this a punishment for liking manga and anime too much ? Is this somekind of joke that will put me to the verge of my sanity? My body is moving today because for other people isn't it? I took the test, I tried my best, I really did. Was confident of it 1/3 but I know that wasn't enough. All I ever did was prevent my tears from falling and finishing the exam while answering to the best of my intentions.. The plan went well though, it took all of me to ignore the tears the image of my father smiling at me while taking the test. After that, I went home. Six hours on the bus crying only thought that only happened in movies .

October 2019

Imagine the meaning of black hole actively shows the state of where I was. 

November 2, 2019

Mama and I went over places to pay homage to our loves ones. Before we went to the cemetery where my lola is buried, we visited the house of my tita. I was in shock we I saw the state she was in .. remembering just a few months ago she was so this little lively lady who loves laughing out loud and having conversations where you two would seem to talk at each other blatantly. But on this day, she had her smile upside down.. lines followed down  her face like there were no laughter visited her smile for a long while. Her tears blurred her gray eyes once she saw me and my mama went in to her house. She extended her arms as if she wanted us to take her away but quickly switched into extending as if they were longing to be filled with bodies in between ... it was so sad. Her body was so thin but her grip was loving as ever. Mama and her talked where they were both sure that that was one of the last time that they would talk. It was so heartbreaking ... to witness .. things I couldn’t do with papa . She didn’t want us to go that day but it was raining hard and we had to go to the cemetery and papa’s place. She repeatedly held us and just said our names as if she was reminiscing how we grew up. She forced herself to stand up just to bid us proper goodbye on her doorway. After visiting lola and papa, I told myself that I ...

Tita died yesterday November 13, 2019 ... and being away from Manila I am too useless to show any sign of grief. 

I don’t know why I took the time to write this but I guess this helped me sort my feelings out. I’m still flustered and very anxious because the LET results will go out this month. Laughing is a luxury. I don’t even know when was the last time my stomach ached because of laughing my insides out. I get small hehe’s~ time to time but my heart always feel tired. 

[yawningpolarbear]

101219 pt. 2

I think my dad tried to make bawi before the day ended. I was on my bed getting ready to rest. I was on my phone lang before I take a bath then go to sleep tas sabi ng brother ko na we will go out daw to eat. Sobrang busog ko pa from the wedding food tas kakain pa sa labas. So I was like ‘ok fine, kakain lang naman’. I didn’t even bother to change my pambahay clothes. Nagshorts lang ako. Obvious naman sa pics na sobrang gusgusin ng t-shirt ko haha! I would like to think that the dinner was my dad’s way of making up for what happened earlier that day. I mean gets na walang masamang nangyari but it was still awkward. Maybe for me. So yeah, we went to this cafe called ‘Gil and Mar’ and it’s artsy. Pwede ka magpicture and so I did. My brother took pics of me. I just hated it that I didn’t even bother to change clothes ‘cos look at me, ang meh 😒

So after we ate, my dad asked me to sing ‘cos apparently they have karaoke/open mic and you get to sing onstage for free. I was like ‘no way’. First of all, nahihiya ako sa mga tao. Baka masira ang gabi nila pag narinig nila boses ko. Second, hindi maganda boses ko at panget suot ko tapos aakyat ako sa stage? Hahaha nalang. And lastly, I get to get dramatic when I sing. Kumakanta lang ako sa banyo at karaoke. I’m definitely sure even without alcohol pwede ako magwala dun once na mahawakan ko na yung mic hahahaha. I love singing kahit ganto boses ko lol but my dad asked thrice. And him being my dad that I love so much despite everything. I agreed and told him that I would sing one song lang. So ayun, I looked at the songbook and chose the first song that I know (12:51 by krissy and ericka). Sobrang drama lang, ren??

I got onstage and started to sing. May papikit pikit pa akong nalalaman, akala mo talaga hahaha so I sang the first few lines and saw everyone looking at me. Syempre hiyang hiya ako haha so I just closed my eyes and dinama ko nalang yung kanta kasi ayoko silang makita. Kakahiya kaya. Then I saw my brother taking pics of me lol and on my right, I saw my dad taking a video of me singing. Ang funny lang na kahit hindi naman ako magaling kumanta or what, my dad is still proud of me na willing pa sya i show off yung boses ko in public juice ko po hahaha 🤦‍♀️ it made me smile, of course. That whatever I was going through at that moment, my family were there for me watching me sing my heart out for the boy who broke my heart. (may pagganun, ren? Lol) but seriously tho, nakakataba ng puso kumanta sa harap ng maraming tao at mapahayag yung damdamin mo thru a song even if the one you’re singing to is not there to hear you.

I’m already okay with the thought that some people still appreciate me no matter what. In the bridge part, there was a line “Cause it’s 12:51 and I thought my feelings were gone, And I’m lying on my bed, I’m not thinking of you again”. I wasn’t able to sing/say the ‘I’m not’ part but damn, some of the audience sang it for me. Wala kaya yun dun sa lyrics dun sa monitor. Like wtf guys bat ganyan kayo? Oo na nga po, I’m not thinking na talaga hahaha. So I listened to the original and oo nga may ‘I’m not’ nga huhuhu. I found it funny lang talaga na parang gusto ako batukan ni Lord na ‘hoy anak, wag mo na yan isipin. Ayan kinanta na nila for you kasi tanga ka’. Hahahaha ang saya lang. After we ate, we went grocery shopping then uwi bahay na rin. All in all, it was a long day but it made me happy. Anuman nangyari. Happy for my cousin who tied the knot with the love of her life and for my family who loves and accepts me for the mess that I am. I hope I can be fully happy soon. And I will. I’m claiming it.

Matthew 19:26 🙏

[iamknjie-blog]

Here I am posting this before mawalan ng signal.

I know miss mo na ako agad, sabi ko naman sayo wag masyado eh! I love you babe! BABALIK AKO! BABALIKAN KITA. Hindi ko alam kung tatagal ba akong hindi ka makausap. Ayaw ko lang sabihin sayo na hindi ko kaya kasi ikaw dyan todo emote ka na alangan namang sabayan kita diba edi lalo kang nalungkot? Hahahahahaha.

Remember my rules? Don’t you dare break those rules!

DAMN I’LL FvCKING MISS YOU SO MUCH BABE! HINDI KO ALAM KUNG KAYA KO BA HAHAHAHAHA! BAKA PAG UWI KO MAY IBA KA NA! WAG NAMAN PLEASE I’M BEGGING YOU PRINCESS PLEASE STAY! WAIT FOR ME! Bawal tumingin sa iba.

Babe, I’m possessive and territorial. Kung may pumorma sayo tell them don’t mess with me or I’ll fvcking beat the hell out of them.

Mamimiss kita sobra babe! I love you so much! Behave okay? I assure you Jamille Aira Malocloc that I am yours all yours.

[profemanley]

Kingston & MIA/LON/SIN/SYD

Week Nineteen (April 18-25)

This past week was an exhausting whirlwind of finishing up my work in Jamaica and making the huge (made even huger by air travel hiccups) journey to the other side of the world. It has left me a bit haggard, but also incredibly grateful for this unique opportunity to explore the world a bit!

The end of last week I made final trips to the Special Collections at UWI and the National Library, and well as a trip out to the National Archives in Spanish Town. I gathered the final things I could and made note of what I wanted to return to later. I know that there is still much more to be covered in terms of research and am glad to have gotten the lay of the land, particularly given the strict limitations imposed by many of the national institutions of no digital photography. It really forced me to think hard about what I wanted and needed, not to mention remember the less than thrilling process of getting photocopies of documents that you really, really want. I’m also now much more aware of the trek it is to get to the National Archives, which are essentially in another town. It took me three hours to get there on my first attempt on Wednesday and will need to work out a more efficient system upon my return. Overall though, I’m really pleased with what I was able to accomplish in my very first trip to a brand new place, and encouraged to continue conducting research on/in Jamaica! It’s a country with a fascinating and highly illustrative history, worthy of much more than the limited historiography it has been afforded in the North American academy and imagination.

On my last weekend I discarded any illusions of fitting in a million last things, opting instead for a trip to Devon House for a tour of the historic mansion, one last great Indian meal, and a little salon time to prep for the upcoming travels. The house tour was great because it was just me and the guide and I could linger and read plaques as long as I wanted - as I like to do - and they’ve done a nice job furnishing the house as it might have been at the end of the 1800s. Built by an Afro-Jamaican on a massive swath of land, it was the home of one of the country’s first black millionaires and a notable (if also aggravating to the racist white ruling class) achievement for the time. I followed the tour up with a nice long walk and late lunch at an Indian place on Barbican Road called Tamarind. I have really enjoyed Jamaican food - particularly jerk chicken, patties, beach seafood, and festival - but I’m also very easily swayed by Indian food just about anywhere I am, and this place came with praise from a colleague. Unshockingly, I ate way too much, had to walk it off for awhile, and had plenty for leftover dinner. On Sunday I made some banana bread for my host with the bananas I had gotten up in the Blue Mountains and took my time packing up all my crap. It’s amazing how different the regulations on luggage are depending on both the airline and the location of the security checkpoint!

On Wednesday morning I got in the cab of my new taxi driver acquaintance Roy and headed to Norman Manley International Airport (there’s something undeniably fun about the fact that my surname is all over Jamaica). My itinerary was supposed to take me to Miami, then LA, and finally Sydney, and I was gearing up for about 26 hours of straight travel. As things unfortunately often unfold in air travel, that did not happen and my travel time basically doubled, which was a pretty big challenge for someone whose longest travel had been one transatlantic flight. The first leg went fine enough, but what was a mere 15 minute delay (something with a messed up manifest) turned into a massive rerouting. That little quarter hour meant our baggage didn’t make it into the terminal for two hours because of a massive deluge. Subsequent rudeness and brusque responses from irritated airport employees resulted in missing my LA connector and having to consult with an AA agent for over an hour, of which the final conclusion was that the only way to get me to Sydney in time for my Friday presentation was to route me through London. It didn’t full sink in at the time, but that meant flying overnight for 10 hours only to be further away from my final destination. A pretty depressing fact to realize upon landing in Heathrow and facing a 12 hour layover. Luckily I had the wherewithal to demand some sort of accommodation and was hooked up with a day hotel room that at least allowed for a shower, space to reorganize my things, and a few hours of horizontal rest (even if sleep was too scary). Then I got to go through security again, with a whole new set of rules and regs, be forced to divest of a few things, and wander around the oddly hi/low brow assortment of establishments in Terminal Five. Leg #3 was the 12-hour flight to Singapore, a brief refuel and (shocker) fourth security check, completed with another 7 hours in the air. We were the first flight to land in Sydney at 5 am and we breezed through customs and immigration. I was exhausted, I’d had about 7 hours total sleep in over two full days, and it was now three days and 52-ish hours later (and Thursday morning). Still, I had arrived and got the added bonus of the arrivals-gate welcome of one of my oldest and dearest friends. It took nearly all of my patience and much fortitude, but almost immediately I felt like it was going to be worth all the trouble.

[misstinapie]

Thoughts in Another Exhausting Weekend (1.24.09)

Second week of going to Alabang and Ortigas at different days of the week. Last week kasi ang start ng ISAC Training namin. To put it simply, training ito para gawin kaming mga hamak na developers na maging SA o Systems Analyst. I remembered overhearing my former officemate (who may I mention is one of the brightest developers I’ve met) on how he loathes the training and saying na ‘Ayoko namang maging SA eh’. Last week I think I just said the same thing.

    It’s not that I don’t want the training, or the fact that I’d gain new knowledge just by sitting there, not to mention I’m being payed and even fed with morning and noon snacks for free, it’s not even the documentation or the presentation, I mean, I’ve done most of that when I was studying, but it’s the pressure I guess, of not being in control, and to mess up in one of those moments that I can’t AFFORD TO mess up. Kahihiyan ko at stake dito. Hindi lang basta grades tulad nung college na proud na proud pa kong gawin. Hindi tulad before na kaya kong magpresent at magreport at gumawa ng magandang (uy nagtaas ng bangko) docu na magreresult ng pagkatigalgal ng teachers (exag, pero lam mo yun, almost always na magpepresent ako hindi na sila masyado nagtatanong) at magagandang grades. Ngayon, sobrang hihimatayin talaga ako pag nascrew up ko to. Hindi man ako capable magblush, baka talagang magblush na ko nito.

    Next next week na ang presentation day. Nung Friday lang kabibigay nung case study. Natatakot ako na baka mali ang magawa kong system. Or kaya matigalgal naman ako sa English ko. Or kaya mali ang diagram ko, or kaya maraming kaya. Tinatamad akong basahin kanina. Masyado kong dinamdam yung sinabi ni Ms. J na once mo lang daw basahin ng malaman mo yung sagot. Pag binasa mo raw uli malamang mamali ka na. Hay pangasar.

    Since ayoko munang pagusapan si ISAC, ito na lang. Sa sessions ko na pagpunta (after almost a year din) dito sa Greenhills, lagi na lang akong sineswerteng may maupuan. Nung unang beses, nakasakay ako agad dun sa papaalis na bus. Nagiisang chair na lang ang natira. Panalo. The second time na uwi ko naman, nakasakay ako ng diretso sa may sa min, pero walang maupuan. Dumiretso ako sa dulo, being the good citizen as I am at hindi mamimilit sa tabi ng driver tumayo. Naalala ko dala yung malaking manual na ang hirap dalhin. Sabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, *‘Thank God all I needed was a bus. Tanggap ko pong walang upuan, basta makauwi lang’. And parang isang magic word, tumayo si manong sa dulo ng 6-seater. Nakaupo ako akalain mo yun??!!! Sobrang maiiyak na ko sa swerte ko nung araw na yun. 6 ako nakasakay, mga alas diyes na ko halos nakarating ng bahay. Yeap. That was one of my worst traffic jams ever.

    Pero di naman sya worse talaga. Bukod sa chair, for the first time nakaranas na kong makipagtitigan ng matagal sa isang taong di ko kilala. I never do that, even to those that I know, para kasing weird pag may katitigan ng matagal (unless magkikiss kayo syempre) kasi feeling ko nababanlag ako. Or baka psychological na rin yun kasi ayokong makita nila ang iniisip ko. Anyways, yung guy, as in ang tagal naming nagkatinginan, ako nasa bus, sya nakatayo sa jeep. Nung mabreak yung stare, hindi na ko bumalik. From the corner of my eye nakikita kong tinitignan nya ko pero parang ayoko na. So not worth it lalo na kung di naman kami magkikita no. **‘Koya’ pa man din sya.

    The third time, nakasakay ako agad. As in nauna pa ko sa mga kasama kong makasakay kasi nahabol ko yung isang halos walang laman na bus. The fourth naman was parang divine intervention na ang naganap (hahah!!!). Umuulan non, nakisabay ako sa kabatch ng training ng kaofficmate ko. Hinatid nila ako sa may sakayan. Ang tagal ko dong nakatayo infairness. Wala akong actually pakealam masyado kung matagal magantay kasi alam ko na sooner or later me lalabas din dyang bus. Ang problem lang is maraming kaagaw. Nakakapressure.

    Sobrang dami na ng alam ko at ramdam kong pa-Cavite din ang uwi. Obvious yun kasi may mga dumaan ng maraming Baclaran, MoA, Laguna, Batangas na bus dedma pa rin sila. I don’t know with them but I know that there are two ways to catch a Cavite route / kalimitan sa kalimitan, Jasper na bus. One is yung galing ng Cubao and two, yung iikot na Jasper sa U-turn sa may tawiran ng sakayan. So bale dalawa ang binabantayan ko. Nung may dumating na isa, masyado akong nahuli sa crowd na nung nakalapit ako nagbababaan na yung mga pasahero dahil ayaw nilang tumayo. Ako naman, hindi dahil sa miracle at ka-gentleman-an ng guy nung nakaraang event ang dahilan bakit gusto ko pa rin. Gusto ko pa ring sumakay dahil sa gusto ko nang umuwi. Never akong naging mapili sa uwian.

    Yun nga lang di ko ba alam parang nangaasar na nung ako na yung aakyat, umandar sya. Nung malayo na sya sa kin ng konti, naisip ko, what the heck. Habulin ko sya. I’ve tried and tried na habulin sya but almost always on my attempts, umaandar sya pag malapit na ko. Para tuloy akong character sa isang movie na inaasar ng driver. Nung tuluyan na syang makalayo, don ko narealize na ang tagal ko nang nagaantay. Gusto ko na talagang umuwi.

    At yun na nga ang miracle. Less than 5 minutes, there it was. Ang bus na wala halos laman na nakapili pa ako ng mauupuan. Syempre pinili ko sa harap se isa sa favourite kong lugar yun. Don bigla ko naalala yung line na sinabi ko sa friend ko at ginawa nyang motto, ‘When God answers your prayers, he increases your faith; when God delays them, he increases your patience ; when God never answers them, he reserves you the best’. Anak ng panalo talaga. All I asked was a bus. Then He just gave me a wonderful chair. I breathed my first moments on that bus thanking Him. Haay. He always give me those moments...

    Speaking of moments, gusto ko rin palang banggitin ang kaofficemate kong gentleman. Kung inyong nalalaman, halos lahat ng kaofficemates ko, specifically, ka-programmer/ka-developer ko po ay lalaki. Dalawa lang kaming girls at yes, I am stuck in a testosterone filled room (my female officemate is upstairs kasi sa Client Service sya together with another male developer, though sa taas may variations se naron ang mga boss, at kami naman sa Development) smothered everyday with fantasies of women and parts and stuff too rated to be in this blog. Buti na lang sanay ako sa mga lalaking kailangan kong pakisamahan ang ugali, and just thought na maganda silang subject sa aking observations. Variety baby. I’ve never had friends as brazen as they are.

    Anyways, itong si Reagan, (sige banggitin ko na sya dito se parang nagulat ako sa kanya), he never steps out of the lift without me ever going out first (unless na lang compact talaga ang tao at sya ang pinakamalapit sa pinto). I find this funny and weird since nasanay na ko na ako ang taga pindot ng button PARA LANG sa mga ‘gentleman’ kong mga kasama na never nag-give way pag lalabas na ng elevator.

    This week, di ko matandaan kalian exactly pero nagulat na naman ako sa kanya. Natapon ko kasi yung tea ko. Syempre kumalat sya sa station ko. The moment it did, I salvaged all the things on the top where my tea used to be. A moment later I went out para maghanap ng janitor at nakasalubong ko sya pabalik. Ni hindi ko narealize na lumabas din pala sya. Pero as usual di ko sya tinignan se nga nakasanayan ko nang hindi rin naman natingin kahit kanino.

    Pre-break to post break wala nang ginawa ang the rest of them kung hindi ‘oi magmamantsa na yan’, ‘ano ba yan ang kalat huh’, mga ganon and ako naman nagrereason na kanina pa ko naghahanap. Nagpapaakyat na nga ako ng janitor kaso walang mahanap si desk sa baba. And then Reagan inched with this mop that I was surprised na nakita nya kung saan. So yun pala  yun. We found out na kanina pa rin pala sya naghahanap yun nga lang kanina daw wala sa alam nyang kinaroroonan non. So yun yung reason bat ko sya nakasalubong. Galing. That is definitely something new.

    At dahil na rin don I said thanks to him again thru text, tas biniro nya kong pakainin ko daw sya, and sabi ko naman sige. I’d love to since this was surprising really. Siguro hindi nga ako dapat magulat eh. Baka lang kasi wala lang talaga akong kaibigang gentleman talaga? Naalala ko pa nga yung times na kahit ang dami kong dala ni hindi man lang ako matulungan ng mga kasama kong lalaki ke ex ko pa sya or current or friend eh. Hmm... Interesting. So they (gentlemen) exist after all huh?

    And bago ko makalimutan, natawa ako sa isang news na nakita ko sa tv nung isang araw na aalis na ang Intel sa Pinas. Nakakatawa dahil sa maraming bagay. Nakakatawa dahil gusto kong ibulalas sa lahat na ‘Ngayon nyo lang nalaman?!’ at ‘Haha. Buti nga sa inyo’.

    My mom have been with Intel for her entire career. She was one of those employees who knows what she have, what she is given and to be contented with that. Binuhay kami ng Intel for a very long time. And never, as in never kong narinig mag-complain si Ma sa patakaran ng Intel. Ang saya nga eh kasi ang generous ng Intel nung dinisolve na ang department nila at binigyan sila ng pay na dapat lang nilang makuha. Complete with all the necessary separation pays and all the trainings in exiting, livelihood and everything, mind you. Till the end my mom was grateful, and we all are, my entire family are.

    Pero alam nyo ba ang mga kwento sa kin ni Ma? ‘Sa Cavite nalugi ang Intel.’ Pano, politics at mga ingratang empleyado ang naginfiltrate sa company na untainted for a long time. Dito lang sila nagkaproblema sa mga bagong dating na daig pa ang mga empleyadong dekada na nagsisilbi sa Intel. Silang baguhan na daladalawa ang sasakyan at two stories ang bahay. I don’t want to say the word pero we all know what we call those type of ingrate employees who drained the company dry. Buti nga sa inyo wala na ang Intel. To the rest of you people who don’t know, kung akala nyo lang na sa world crisis lang ang problem, no sir. My mom was out of Intel nung 2007 pa at matagal na ring napaguusapan ang pagalis nila (Intel) dito completely. Kelan ba nagkaproblem financial world aber? Go figure.

    Ok sige. Ang mean ko ba at selfish para sabihing ‘Buti nga Sa inyo’ e kung tutuusin nga e TAYO lahat ang lugi non? Dyan lang magaling ang karamihan sa Pinoy. Naalala ang ‘Tayo’ kapag lugi na. ‘Tayo’ na kapag nagigipit na. Kung sino man yang mga yang nagsamantala sa magandang kumpanya na yan, sampal sa inyo yan. Tignan natin kung makahanap kayo ng trabaho na mananakawan nyo uli. Makarma sana kayo lahat.

    Ui bitter daw oh?! Ahehe. Carried away lang siguro. I just hate employees who ask more and not be contented sa kung anong meron. Ask any Filipino and they’d always want a position na walang gagawin pero malaki ang kita. Ask any Filipino and wage is always the issue. I know how hard it is, lalo na kung maraming bayarin, and honestly I’ve been wishing na sana nga may itataas pa. But this is enough. Even if it doesn’t fully cover everything (savings included, I haven’t saved a peso since marami syang napupuntahan) and sacrifices have to be made, it is still enough for now. And with that I am thoroughly grateful. I just wish everyone would be. Or atleast learn at this moment.

            *Syempre edited yan. Medyo ganyan yung sinabi ko eh. Di ko lang talaga masyado matandaan ano ang eksakto. Soweee

**Term naming nung college sa isang guy na gwapo. So pag tinawag kitang Koya, (sadyang Koya, hindi Kuya) alam mo na.

[jairanissi]

Buddy's (Cubao, Quezon City)

Nakakainis, I have been planning to post this with an attachment of the pictures that i took during our dine at Buddy's. However, I accidentaly deleted everything. The picture I attached was from Inquirer.

Me and (the name I will disclose soon) used to date impromptu. We used to be okay lang with everything. "San tayo kakain?" "Kahit saan". The "kahit saan" dialogue for us is not like everyone's pabebe response. Pag sinabi naming kahit saan, we would usually both agree with anything. Di kami maarte. But i always tell him gusto ko "totoong pagkain" ayoko na ng fast or processed. It would be fine kahit karinderya i wouldnt mind. But more likely we usually end up at fast food restaurants since we were both currently living in the metro. And it is convinient and malapit lang pag fast food.

December 8 was exceptional. --Him:Kain tayo. May surprise ako sayo. --Me:Ano yun? --Him:Basta magugustuhan mo yun. Surprise. Excited na ko. Bilisan mo na kumilos.

I am not sure if he's serious or he's just messing with me since the last few days has been rough for the both of us. We were walking along Gateway Cubao. Sobrang init na init ako. It was 11am sobrang init. I kept on asking him kung saan na ba. And then, after like 15 mins, we have arrived sa Buddy's.

Remember my post about how i love lucban longanisa? He knows. He took me where there is lucban longanisa.

I was almost in tears. Sobrang tuwa ko. Not only that we can finally eat but because of the gesture. He asked me if i am happy, I just nod. I was spechless. I was thankful.

We dined at the 2nd floor of Buddys kasi sobra dami ng tao. He told me he will be the one to pick. (ang yabang) Alam nya daw kung ano ang masarap. Hehehe. Ok. But i had only one wish--Soup.

He ordered Lucban Longanisa, Pancit Habhab, Sisig. AND NO SOUP!!!!

--Me:Nasan na yung soup? --Him:Wala eh pang breakfast lang daw --Me:What nag ccrave ako. Please, soup...

He asked again the waiters only to have me hear na walang soup. Ang lungkot. But it was ok kasi dami na naman namin food. I was so thankful para kong bibitayin.

We prayed and both dug in. SOBRANG SARAP. Buddys for me is 10/10. Sobrang sarap. Lalu na the pancit habhab. Very exceptional. The longganisa was explicit and perfect. The sisig is masarap din. Omg. I wouldnt mind eating here all day.

The pancit habhab is best partnered with suka. Sobrang masarap. The pancit we ordered was good for 4-5 and we finished half of it. He took the other half as to-go. Nagsisi ako. I texted him that night saying sana ako nalang nag uwi ng pancit kasi i was craving agad that night. Ang sarap. As i was typong this i cn still recall the experience. Gusto ko balikan agad.

The lucban longanisa is good also and perfectly fried. Di gaya nung pagkaka-prito ko nung akin. He told me that i wasnt supposed to take off the skin kasi. I told him na akala ko plastic yun. He laughed at me. Hindi daw un tinatanggal. Omg. Ok, next time hindi na.

The sisig is very delicious. It doesnt need anymore soy sauce. I think it just needs my mouth. Hehehe.

Buddys first originated daw in Quezon. Dun daw ang main and Cubao was only recent lang. I will definitely go back.

I miss you. 💔

[ainaaaaah]

Some days, I can’t help but imagine what my life would be 10 years from now. Baka kapag nasulat ko na to, tumigil na sa pagrereplay sa utak ko, kaya push!

I often see myself happily married and content with the family I have. I probably have a job that doesn’t require me to be in the office all day, because I want to be a full time, hands-on mother. I see myself cooking every single morning for my family. Then maybe have clients in the middle of the day. And finally preparing kapag pauwi na yung husband ko.

Ito yung favorite kong part kapag nagiimagine ako. Naiimagine kong dadating sya habang nagluluto ako. Tapos magtatakbuhan yung mga junakis. Tapos tatawa ako. Sasabihin ko sakto, magdidinner na. Tapos kakain kami, ikkwento ko yung mga ginawa ng mga bebe boys and bebe girls. Tapos siguro manonood kami ng movie together kung maaga pa. Tapos sabay kaming magpapatulog ng mga bebe boys and bebe girls. Gusto ko nga pala magkakasama sila sa kwarto para close sila. Kapag 20+ na sila tsaka lang sila pwede maghiwahiwalay ng room.

Tapos kapag kaming dalawa na lang, ikkwento ko yung storya ng client ko, na malamang gustong gusto kong ikwento. Sakanya ako iiyak kapag feeling ko ang bigat bigat, okaya tatawanan namin pareho yung cases. Or maiirita kami ng sabay. Or maawa kami. Kahit ano. Tapos sya din, magkkwento sya kung gaano nakakainis yung traffic nung pauwi na sya, okaya kung panong gusto nya share-an ng gospel yung officemate nya pero humahanap pa sya ng timing. Or kung panong mahaba yung pila nung malapit na syang mapapupu (humahaba ba ang pila sa CR ng men?????). Tapos syempre magpapamasahe ako ng paa kasi sa ngayon ako lang nagawa nun hahahahaha tapos sya di ko imamassage kasi tamad ako at for sure una akong makakatulog 😂

Syempre may mga times din na sa labas ko sya patutulugin kapag bwisit na bwisit ako sakanya. Kapag kunyari di sya nagtext tapos ilang oras na syang late sa usual na uwi nya. Hihintayin ko sya dumating at pagpasok na pagpasok nya ng pinto, magwawalk out na ako papunta sa kwarto. Syempre iiwanan ko na sya ng unan at kumot at pantulog at damit nya para sa kinabukasan sa sofa. Itatago ko rin yung susi para di sya makapasok kapag nilock ko yung pinto ng kwarto. Syempre susubukan nyang magpaliwanag pero dahil galit ako at nasasaktan ako, mageemote muna ako. Tapos syempre magtetext ako sa VG leader ko at sasabihin nya sakin na “marriage is a relationship between two forgivers” (favorite quote ko nga pala yan about marriage haha) so ako naman maguiguilty kaya kakausapin ko na rin sya eventually (pero depende kung first offense palang naman hehe)

Pero syempre maraming times yung masaya. Yung tipong patatawagin ko sya sakin para lang ibalita na tumubo na yung halaman na tinanim ko. Tapos maririnig ko sa boses nya na ang saya nya din. Tapos iisipan namin ng pangalan. Excited ako kapag nagcrave kami in the middle of the night, pupunta kami ng convenience stores or restaurants or cafes ng nakapangtulog pa. Excited ako na alagaan namin yung mga magiging baby ni Kikiam. Syempre excited din ako sa travel! Yung tipong magiipon kami pareho tapos sobra kaming excited na magpunta sa ibang bansa tapos sasamahan nya ako na maranasan yung ibang culture.. sya yung titikim ng mga pagkain bago ako, tapos maraming maraming pictures, tapos sharing the gospel to the locals..

Pati sa mga araw that I am definitely unlovable. Kapag sinisigaw ko na lahat ng frustrations at bitterness ko sa buhay, yung hindi nya ako papatulan, at yayakapin nya lang ako hanggang sa yung galit ko, mapalitan ng mga luha. Doon din sa mga pagkakataon na maiinsecure ako bilang nanay at asawa kasi I feel that I am not good enough, tapos nandun lang sya, inaassure ako na I’m enough. That he’s blessed to have me. Na he can’t think of a better suitable helper than me. Na napapa-“thank you Lord” sya kapag nakikita nya ako. Na di siya nagsisisi na pinakasalan nya ako.

Yung lang naman yung gusto ko eh. Yun lang naman yung kailangan ko. Yung kaya akong mahalin ng totoo, at sobra. Yung takot kay Lord na masaktan ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero naiyak ako habang tinatype ko to. Hahahaha. Sobrang pinaghahandaan ko yang parte ng buhay ko na yan. Ngayon palang, pinipilit kong idevelop yung character ko so that I can serve them better. Ngayon palang, dinideal ko na yung mga bagay na pwedeng madeal na, para di ko na dala dala tong extra baggages that can affect my marriage and my children. I want to be someone that my husband is proud to have. I want to be someone that my kids are confident about. Because as much as this is my greatest dream, this is also ultimately my greatest fear.

I keep holding on to that vision. Sa twing nahihirapan ako ngayon, doon sa promise na yun ni God ako tumitingin. Lahat ng natutunan ko, lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko, doon ko binubuhos. Lahat ng sakit ng pagrefine sakin ni God, naeendure ko, kasi malaking part nun, iniisip ko, that I am slowly becoming who God wants me to be in preparation for that season of my life. A blessing to my family, not a problem to be fixed. Yung tipong di nagtatago sa kwarto yung mga anak ko kapag umuwi ako.. I want my husband to look forward in going home at the end of the day kasi alam nyang sa bahay namin, may nagaalaga sakanya at may nagmamahal sakanya na kasama nya kahit anong season pa yan ng buhay nya.

Nakakatakot at nakakaexcite isipin na in 10 years, pwede na tong mangyari. Parang ang tagal, pero maikli. Parang ang ikli lang pero ang tagal pa. Natatakot ako to do something right now that will mess up that vision. Kaya I am really, really, really, praying for myself and of course, for my future husband. I pray na sana kung paano ako pnprepare ni Lord ngayon, ganun din sya, and eventually, sobrang teamwork lang yung meron kami kasi pareho kami ng vision — yung simpleng family lang, pero alam mo lang na punong puno ng love and joy. Yung klase ng family na alam mo lang si Lord yung kayang magsustain. Yung klase ng family that will be a testimony to my family and to the world, not to shame them, but to be a platform to share the gospel. Ganon.