#i am extremely mentally ill actually! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

birdsofpasssage · 10 months

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lights out

#arlecchino #i am extremely mentally ill actually!#maam i dont care if youre a licensed sociopath i need to know how you like your eggs in the morning #genshin impact #genshin fanart #原神 #the knave

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macroglossus · 4 months

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being evaluated for adhd by having one of those full psych evals that last like two hours. scared frightened etc.... last time i took it i lied extensively bc i was 13 and thought they might tell my mommy if i said i had suicidal thoughts. and i still have a habit of lying to therapists bc i'm embarrassed......... AGH idk. what if i take it and they tell me that the reason im Like This is bc im genuinely just weird and shitty and not bc im mentally ill at all. SCARED

#which is dumb bc i have been formally diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses i dont think they can just take it back right?????#this is so stupid and cliche but what if i have been faking it........ all along........ Argh.#when i was in res i was put on adderall (bc the house psych just kind of experimented w meds LMFAO) and i had to go off them after like #two weeks bc it was affecting my appetite in a way i couldnt afford at the time lmao. but i do genuinely feel like it helped during that #time.... which is why i want to go on it again!!!! but im scared theyll just be like nah and i wont be able to take any of my meds anymore #is that crazy. am i being crazy rn. idk i truly do think most of my experiences w school and like. life could be explained by adhd and #when i was a kid they thought i had it but the two meds they tried didnt work for me so they just. kind of gave up #and i was really extremely unable to do school and graduated hs w an insanely low gpa and then dropped out of community college. LMAO. not #that people w adhd cant be good in school i just couldnt make myself do homework and couldnt listen in class bc i was too busy focusing on #listening. if that makes sense #IDK. idk. i know it's become like. a trend to have adhd is the issue and everything is being attributed to having it so im worried that ive #like. accidentally fallen in w that? even though ive thought i had it for forever and everyone has been like girl do you have this. IDK!!!!#idk. idkkkk im just like. genuinely scared. it's not the end of the world if im not diagnosed obviously but that means that #im just like this for no reason at all. and there's no way of helping it bc it's just the way i am. and i actually am just shitty n lazy.#epic. which incidentally is the proper name for how fucking long these tags are my bad. if you read this far sorry for being insane 👍

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soldier-poet-king · 11 months

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Got asked for my professional opinion today on a complex legal issue by a much senior coworker 😭🥺 on the basis of my response, i got asked to join in on a meeting with some higher ups to explain what I had explained to said coworker 😭🥺 I am going to get a good grade in Career and Being Smart, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve

#alas my boss isnt here today to see how smart and competent i am when ppl as abt stuff I actually know abt #im sorry. i find thid one weird niche legal thing. SO INTERESTING #it was a sort or coworker who asked. shes also an archivist. but soon to be retired. and for a related but separate org #but our offices our next to each other #and i got to be smart and competent:)#nothing like riding that high of being extremely knowledgeable abt random specific things #its like. the same high i got from being in school #i DONT miss writing a billion essays a term. i DO miss positive reinforcement and academic approvak #since academics is the only thing i was ever good at #yes yes gifted kid burnout but more like. i was a poorly adjusted mental ill kid but i did Good In School tm #so no one ever bothered to help me. and now academics are the only way o can feel valued #I LOVE BEING COMPETENT AND SMART.#there i said it. i AM a horrible prideful gremlin #and its been a year since grad and thats the longest I've ever gone without teacher/professor approval #im dying. need me some external validation #i am goid at what i do. there i. said jt #i am a good information professional. i like metatdata. and finnicky digital files. and obscured IP issues that only affect #*affect very certain types of fonds #I EVEN LIKED REWRITING A LEGAL DEED #who have i become. alternate universe me was a bureaucrat. im so sorry. i love paperwork #and i love being PRECISE. everything needs to be finnicky and exact and say what it means and mean what it says #and it all has to be in service of smthn bigger and greater and more good #ironically. in my personal time. i am. messy lil bitch. but theres no room for finnicky wordsmith puzzles irl #i like this far more as a job.#sorry rae we were just talking abt how u hate medical records management and here i am like. 😍😍😍 legal issues in archives

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arsonist-chicken · 3 months

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btw in absolutely unsurprising news I fucked up the exam of that class I'm taking for the third time badly again.

in very surprising news, apparently Something happened, idk if the dean said something to the professor or I looked like a distressed broken down wet rat enough or he just doesn't want to see me in his class again or idk, maybe it's not good for him if someone fails his class three times, but he actually offered that I could do a written exam on friday instead? which. is extremely surprising. good, because it gives me another afternoon to study and I can draw and go back to questions on a written exam, even if I have to shuffle around the other exams and papers now, just. very surprising.

#lol but next semester is the fucking seminar again with also the same professor #idk how you can teach such shitty classes regularly and never think hmmm maybe i should change something #with the amount of people having to take the classes at least twice #anyway good for me i'll keep crying over uni the rest of the week and the weekend too and then i'll do stuff next week #like i need to call my insurance and annoy them in person until they say yes to any therapist who will have me #and call the other thing #and oh i really need to find a different GP because i'm soundly back at the stage of where i can literally not think two sentences #after each other without trailing off or it taking up extremely much energy just to remember which store i wanted to go to #and i'm aware that stress and mental illness causes brain fog or whatever #but i've been stressed before but this only started last autumn and i need a different doctor to look at it #who won't just say oh it's just iron levels #there's something wrong with my brain and i need someone competent who actually cares to look at it and tell me #if therapy will fix this or if it's a physical problem #please let it be just brain fog htat therapy can fix i don't have time for this #i just want to sleep and cry until this bs is over but semester break starts next week but i still have exams then and a whle list of #stuff to do for uni still plus stuff otuside. like a doctor. and sleep a normal amount instead of in weird horu intervals on my desk and in #my clothes on my bed or floor or wherever i am at the moment my brain decides it's over now #also friends. i wanted to catch up. also a job. like. yeah i need a job even if idk how i'll do uni and a job with the way my brain is righ #now #huh. oh i have another exam in half an hour. send help i don't want to go to uni anymore #mine #still don't know what that class or the seminar next semester are about btw but we moce #*move #goddamn it I'm TIRED and not just in the physical sense #i'm so goddamn done with uni and insurances deciding about psychotherapy and the general state of the world and cost of living #and i miss my friends and i want to visit them but nither them nor me have time and travelling is expensive #and ijust want a goddamn fucking break but i don't see one comign anytime soon. not before summer #but probably not even then #and after that i'll start working so like #at least no goddamn seminars anymore but i still absolutely dread having to decide where i want to work a

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hauntedwoman · 5 months

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almost pulled over on the way to school three times just to cry and think about how fucked everything in my life is rn

#i dont have any money and my job literally cannot schedule me more than one day a week #idk what the fuck im doing in school rn and idk if i want to change my minor or not bc i think id succeed more in creative writing #but i'd have to take a couple extra classes and my parents are already upset that im taking so long to finish school #even tho it was my mom that made me move across the country and go to a new school #so like. obviously there are different graduation requirements here #but my parents dont understand that at all and it's somehow my fault that im taking so long #when i really am not #i'm just trying the best i can while being extremely mentally ill and im just so exhausted #maybe i will take a break from school and actually get a job with a salary #a friend of mine works at a local marketing agency and i could always submit an application #bc i already have an associates in comms and that might be useful

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solvicrafts · 7 months

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What gets me about certain people being so fucking pissy about Bob not writing much about Eilistraee (until the last fucking trilogy where EIlistraeans featured heavily) is that

a) Bob basically built drow culture up from almost nothing, and Eilistraee came after he started writing Drizzt

b) no you guys really don't understand. I own the first 4 modules drow appeared in. There's... not much there. And it hasn't aged well.

c) and the Big One: he has a specific vision for his specific characters when it comes to the narrative he wants to explore, from sexual abuse to religious trauma, both of which are fucking complicated and for most people just switching deities isn't enough to fix that.

I have religious trauma that I still struggle with to this day and probably will for the rest of my life to some extent, and it's fundamentally different in nature from what most people would probably expect, and the thing is even though I am happily polytheistic and very enthusiastically into it, I still struggle a lot with certain things because every time I get into my religious practice I have to actively force myself into (or out of) certain things because my whole relationship to religion and spirituality is complicated and messy.

It would be easy and frankly incredibly superficial for Bob to decide to just have them all convert to half-assed Neowiccan ~woo~ drow Jesus Eilistraee to *~*save their souls*~* and call it a day

BUT HE DIDN'T DO THAT

Partly because she wasn't his creation and other authors were writing her at the time so he really couldn't, and partly because it's a shitty message to send.

Sometimes people benefit from converting to a new religion or following a new deity. Sometimes people don't.

I benefited from gradually converting to my religion, but it's come with a whole different set of complications and hasn't been a smooth journey for me.

Just going from extensive religious trauma to switching deities does not fix your problems, and for a lot of people it realistically can make them much worse.

but also

you don't have to be saved by a deity in order to have value as a person

#I fucking WAS saved by a deity and while I'm grateful it wasn't an easy ride #and in fact the way certain people in my family treated me was very emotionally abusive #to this fucking day on a journey that's taken me 19 years I STILL have issues with this whole thing #there are some people I may never speak to again because of how they treated me over this #for a Lolthite drow I could easily see them struggling with switching to a new deity especially one like Eilistraee or Vhaeraun #who are NOT seen very positively at all in the society they were raised in #and for a lot of people the fear of being found out and punished is more than enough to prevent them from seeking out a new deity #to say nothing of the already existing religious trauma that would also just as likely make someone hesitate to embrace a new religion #and speaking AS a religious person I do not at all agree with sending the message that traumatize people need to be saved by a god #or by a religious fanatic #my case is extremely unique and while it more or less worked out in the end it was frankly hellish at its worst points #and it cost me a great deal in terms of my relationships with my family and my ability to trust other people #because the way society frames belief in the Greek gods as some distant thing in time like #'haha these people were so STUPID. they believed in gods that turn into swans and stuff'#has absolutely led to a situation where paganism is only cool and okay if it's the woo crystals and sage Neowiccan aesthetic #but actually being a historically based polytheist is conflated with mental illness #and it's damn near impossible to challenge when most modern people have NO understanding of polytheism and take everything literally #as someone who has had to FIGHT just to continue EXISTING as a polytheist I am still FIRMLY against the idea that people NEED religion #in order to have value as people or to heal #yes for SOME people it works. for others it doesn't. AND THAT'S OKAY

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theythemmer · 16 days

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finally deleted my toxic twt :) already feel more normal. this last month has been the echo chamber from hell

#blabble #reached out 2 a friend for support and now have an action plan so the first thing i did was get tf off edshtwt bc that shit was insane #it’s actual scary how quick it got into my brain how how extreme the algorithm got in such a short amount of time #and like i’ve been on tumblr/forums for 15 years i am SEASONED but this new generation holy SHIT #i am disturbed by VERY few things esp regarding the human body but some of that shit made me physically ill #so i honestly just feel so relieved bc i truly didn’t think i’d be strong enough to delete . i mean . it’s an addiction and all #and the craziest part is i didn’t even intentionally make that acct it was literally MY OLD KINK ACCT I USED TO SELL CONTENT #then out of nowhere i got overrun w thinspo which quickly became bonespo and deathspo and then shtwt started appearing #then it was just full blown gore within a week #like obvs it’s my fault #we control what we consume #that’s our responsibility on the internet #but as someone with MULTIPLE. SEVERE mental illnesses this genuinely almost killed me #very scary shit. and i’m a grown ass adult. absolutely terrifying time to be a teenager online.#i be rambling but yeah tldr i think i am actually going to try get better #tw ed mention #tw sh mention

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the-lady-amphitrite · 9 months

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i love randomly finding out my mentions have been 97% broken for god knows how long when suddenly i have 20+ notifications about being @'d by multiple people spanning back to the beginning of may

#amphi speaks #any time this happens i am EXTREMELY amused #like. some of the @'s get through. but so many dont under SUDDENLY #anyway hey @ staff never fix this because it actually entertains me to see how many i get #and to anyone who's @'d me in the last two months for games and i havent replied this was probably why!#i love picrews. i love sharing wips. i promise i will always always answer those #and if i dont please assume tumblr is Broken for me and just send me the post #please wait at least three business days though #small. tired. mentally ill. working unwillingly in capitalism.

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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 7 months

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HI MAC. FINISHED SEASON ONE OF HANNIBAL. THOUGHTS: AHGHSGHFAHSGDKDFHKJGHKJGD OHGHGGG WILL GRAHAM THERE IS SOMETHING SO WRONG WITH YOU. i am holding him by the scruff of the neck and looking directly into his sad autistic eyes. i love this little guy. he needs severe medical and psychological help. i love him more than anything. dr lecter is so fucking interesting i need to grab him by the neck and strangle him he is such an awful person but such a cool character agh ough agh. he says he's will's friend but then he manipulates him and does all these horrible things and i just!! wanna know why!!!!! if he is your friend why are you hurting him!!!!! or is he actually your friend at all?? do you see him more as something to play with???? someone who thinks in such an interesting way that you wanted to know what lengths you could push him to???? I DON'T KNOW!!!! I WANT TO KNOW SO BADLY!!!!! pls tell me will doesn't die i am so attached to him i am putting him in my pocket and feeding him jellybeans <3 i am going to watch season 2 once my cold is gone because when i feel bad physically i feel bad MENTALLY so i am Not in a good like. headspace?? to watch it rn what with the death and blurring of reality and such but MAN. MANNNNN oh it is so cool i am kicking my feet and giggling i am so excited to watch the rest oghhh it is so fucked up <3 i love fucked up weird murder stories 10/10 amazing show no notes thank u for recommending it 2 me i love it v much :3

NORMAL HANNIBAL EXPERIENCE. OH MY GODDDD im so glad u sre enjoying it so farrrrr <3 its like. beloved piece of media to me but also it fucks me up in the brain. its a good horror reset for me . occasionally im just like. i need to feel weird about blood and gore and death and then i will watch a couple epispdes of hannibal and just sit there like

TAKE YOUR TIME. OF COURSE. dw dw i was the same way watching it for the first time because it gets SO weird and existential sometimes and. tbh the artistic gore kind of got to me in ways i did not expect ??? it can be so overwhelming sometimes and my exact feelings on it are very hard to articulate and i could sit here for hours discussing it and not actually ever get to a point . SO I GET U. it's just the kinda show you gotta take ur time with. and thats totally cool :) I CAN TELL YOU WITH. MINIMAL SPOILERS. will graham doesnt die . absolute mess of a man. u know that post thats like "what a beautiful man . i would love yo see him in a fit of despair" thatd me about will graham. and also covered in blood. and let me tell u this show fucking DELIVERS.

#well. he sure comes close a lot. it is a complicated question. but . i cannot elaborate further without completely spoiling some things #i am a big fan of doesthedogdie as a concept though so i am here 2 be ur personal doesthedogdie.#will graham gets soooooo fucked up but he DOES NOT get killed mid series. i promise u #have u seen the fisherman thing yet. i dont remember when thats brought up as a character trait but he likes 2 go fishing.#literally a character that was made 4 me .#extremely mentally ill guy covered in blood who likes dogs and fish. thats so mac ghostiezone core of him #THERES SOME. PRETTY FUCKED UP STUFF IN THE SHOW THOUGH so if u need actual like.#trigger warnings and such i am happy 2 provide those so u dont have yo look stuff up <3 #bc while i am a huge horror enjoyer i also like 2 know vaguely what to expect ahead of time. like i said. big doesthedogdie user here #I LOVE U I LOVE U im glad u are taking care of urself <3333 #asks #friends!!!#anachronistic-falsehood

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silenthillbunni · 4 months

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Why would you wish your neighbors to fkn die just because they make noise?

gosh some ppl are way too sensitive and cant handle ppl saying anything at all huh

#bc im angry and they are RUINING MY DAY EVERY SINGLE DAY #bc they make noise that wouldnt be heard if they didnt live in next to empty apartments #bc im extremely nosie sensitive and get sensory overload very easily and noise makes me suicidal and homicidal #good for you that you dont care!!!! you are FORTUNATE for not being this heavily affected by noise. you're not better than me. ur lucky #grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it makes me so annoyed that ppl like u just cant handle mentally ill ppl VENTING.#am i sending them death threats? no. am i beating them up? no. am i sending complaints to them? no. i am enduring my suffering #bc we live in a world where nobody cares abt ppl who arent normal. i am in genuine physical pain bc of this everyday #do u think this is fun for me???? do u think i want to be like this? no! i'd kille to be like u who can walk unaffected thru life!!!!!!#do u think i enjoy spending my days in agony just bc noise upsets me? i cant fkn focus on my school work!!!!!!! or anything else!!!!!!!!!#do u know that there is NOTHING i can do? i have to accept a life of daily torment bc im noise sensitive #if society allowed me i'd live in specific apartments designed for noise sensitive ppl. or in a cottage on the countryside #but society dont give a fuck abt ppl who diverge from being normal #also omfg just bc i vent and say i wish they died dont mean i actually genuinely want them to die #why are y'all so black and white?????? why is it so hard to understand that just bc u express smth in anger dont mean u ACTUALLY want it #tbh y'all are too much. and fkn unfair. ppl are actually allowed to vent in anger and let out steam and not suppress their emotions #i have never done anything to cause another person harm. i even have high blood pressure bc im so stressed out yet i never do anything #i have done NOTHING to harm my neighbors. the only thing i do is vent on my blog #do u really think theyre magically gonna die just bc i vent abt it???????#bro fuck off you made me even angrier like if u cant handle ppl expressing ugly thoughts #u and i are not compatible bc *i* know that u need to express things u might not even mean #but u clearly dont and need everyone to be uwu peace and love and perfect so just leave me alone go awayyyyyyyyyyy

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dawning-games · 5 months

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I just love tall strong/buff and mean women.

You are so intensely valid. Please feel free to imagine that I am crying a single tear while nodding in complete understanding

#tobias speaks #ask tag #anon tag #i'm not dead as granny weatherwax said to paraphrase just extremely chronically ill and tired #BUT i am feeling better mentally than i have for a long time so i'm hoping to maybe work on my story soon #the next chapter is largely complete actually i just need to FINISH THE DARN THING

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the-moogle-of-your-nightmares · 8 months

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i am at this point very certain that i am legitimately, actually cursed. the only degree to which this is metaphorical is that there's not a word for it that doesn't imply supernatural means, instead of ones that can be explained by science but haven't been yet.

#moogletalks #venting #negative #like. i have much; much; much evidence by now that this isn't a mental illness thing #it doesn't do my related mental illness/trauma stuff any favors!#and it's actually something that over the last few years has *motivated* me to put a lot of good work into addressing that #but this particular pattern has been escalating over the last few years in particular #and by now is a hundred percent reliable #it happens like clockwork in very specific ways that i have observed over and over and over #to the point where i will calmly and in full practicality mode say 'i am going to pay for this before long' and every time i do i am right #when that doesn't occur to me; it happens and i get blindsided by it #and then after a few minutes tops of thinking about it i can go 'god damn it i know exactly what caused this one'#this is happening. it is a fact. and i'm so fucking exhausted of not having words for it or knowing what the mechanism is #fucking i hate this. anyway my health condition from a few months ago has flared up again even worse than before #in retaliation for exactly the same *things* as before #and this time i'm at significantly higher risk for becoming quadruplegic!#and last night in retaliation for a particular thing that had happened less than 24 hours beforehand i've stopped sweating!#and i don't know if it will be permanent!#and as proof that it's in direct proportion to what it's retaliating against #a smaller; less life-changing hope spot than the things that've been retaliated against w/ Extreme Shit; which happened within the last week #led to me finding one of my fish dead the next afternoon #i am not kidding or exaggerating about this. It's Happening #medical stuff cw #health issues cw #pet death cw

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sanjarka · 6 months

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oh won't you just shut up for once. no i don't like talking to you. i don't think you're a good person and i can't have a honest conversation with you because every time i say something that you do not agree with you go on a rant about how stupid i am to think that way. i don't respect you, i am afraid of you.

#you should care more about your family you know #you're selfish and spoiled #sure and you're just fucking perfect aren't you #you don't actually care about who i am #you want me to act how you imagined how i should act #every single person in this house has to walk on eggshells whenever you're upset #to mold themselves to be how you want them to be #cause you're a stupid man #and somehow i'm the selfish one #hate that i'm stuck living in this house if they don't give me a dorm this year i'll go crazy #hate that my father's mental illness makes my uncle feel entitled to act like my parent #and a bad one on top of that #actually in comparison to you my dad is fucking awesome #and his bipolar disorder was never the problem #it was his family and the war and the fact that the only free help he can get for an extremely difficult condition #is seeing a doctor every five months for five minutes that's going to prescribe him medication #it's not like we can afford a therapist #i wish i could scream or something #personal #venting

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mcnuggyy · 2 years

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Mannnn my sleep schedule is so fucked up right now I fell asleep at 5pm yesterday then suddenly woke up at 10pm and then couldn’t go back to sleep so I was up until 4am doing fuck all and then finally was able to go back to sleep and just woke up at 1:30pm…. Girl what is happening i think im straight up dying like what the fuck

#callate guero #WAAAAA #I couldn’t even control myself falling asleep so early at first #it just happened #why am I such a sleepy guy #what is this extreme exhaustion #remembers I have severe depression….. ah right… the mental illnesses………#DAMN IT #i actually had work I want to finish and shit I wanted to do and now I just feel so sad about sleeping so much :-(#sigh

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dykeinthedark · 1 year

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i hate having anxiety gotta be the lamest mental illness

#but actually i hate how the internet has saturated anxiety #like no i feel like i am dying and that my flesh is lighting on fire constantly all the time every day #but anxiety is so common !!! everyone has it !!!!! then why do i feel so extreme about it #ITS SO LAME TO SAY U HAVE ANXIETY TOO. its like the lightest mental illness. the most palpable and saturated #like it actively makes me an awful human being to be around i wish i had uwu cute anxiety but NO !!!! it makes me sick and twisted and evil #i sound like im 15 sorry

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she-wont-miss · 1 year

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i just spent 3 HOURS counting how many words of fanfic ive read (only on ao3, and ONLY bookmarked not counting the 5 that were deleted) this year. anyone wanna guess? if not the number, amount of digits?

#i am extremely mentally ill #and i have too much time to waste #evie talks #like for an actual number!#cuz i can give it to you!

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