#i am not looking forward to studying and learning new things anymore

[sout999]

adhd talk

the third truly unsung project alongside my film and dissertation was the weird amount of targeted effort i had to put into Completing Anything Big As A Neurodivergent Person Whose Brain Is A Crazy Off The Rails Train Staffed and Patronised Entirely By Multiple Exact Copies Of The Squirrel From Ice Age

which is a description like 99/100 people reading this can relate to, but i think a sentiment i see less often and therefore feel kind of stupid and stubborn and lonesome about is "adhd is innate but is also exasperated by hectic lifestyle/modern instant gratification machines so if i fix my habits around those i can cure myself forever". which is silly and wrong but also i feel abit disconnected from adhd social media culture and cant cope just relating to it (which is all it seems to be sometimes) but learning to harness or tame it to do the things that are really important to me

i felt really cringe tbh having to look up youtube videos of HARVARD STUDENT REVEALS PRO STUDY TRICK and then narrowing it down to specifically adhd-focused study videos and keeping a planner and setting aside specific time to study studying and practising anti-academic meltdown journaling techniques and reading fucking atomic habits but i really didn't want to contribute to my abhorrent academic record following me all through undergrad. in fact i wish i had done this sooner but i was not self aware enough to consider the fact

probably the best change i made was severely cutting down or being mindful of social media time, i don't backread my tl anymore and have more moments of awareness when i find myself dumbly scrolling and realize i dont want to be doing this, and then wondering what i actually Do want to be doing. i keep a book nearby to read, and have also swapped a lot of social media time to sketching-off-pinterest time. reading about the psychology behind social media apps is also super interesting, although i always feel like a paranoid wacko conspiracy theorist talking about it. stuff like how negativity and judgemental behaviour is good for engagement (and therefore ad revenue), and how if all posts on your tl were interesting you wouldn't be as addicted to social media as you are, therefore microblogging employs a slot machine/gacha system where you "roll" for posts by logging on and hope to get a good one. it's a little full on but the more i think of it as a revolting and evil machine the more incentive i have to do something else with my time ^q^

a harder thing to do was, in the late stages of the project, the real crunch time month, avoid everything that could become a huge hyperfixation, and then eventually even minor distractions or fixations. because i know if i got super obsessed with something i'd just be up posting about it or drawing fanart. i had to bar myself from persona 3 remake and elden ring dlc and all these other shiny new releases, and the mobile games i was playing... i look forward to catching up on them now. i took up reading books a lot more because unfortunately thats just not as exciting. in the last month of film work i stopped listening to music on my computer so i wouldnt get drawing or animation ideas to distract me from film work. as of writing this i havent listened to music in like 40 days guys 😱 at the same time i am the kind of person who needs background noise to work, so i have:

watched novum's four hour hereditary video essay three times

watched novum's seven hour midsomar video essay three times

watched that one five hour bojack horseman retrospective twice

listened to audiobooks of the Britney Spears biography, Jennette McCurdy biography, three Playboy Bunny biographies (i was on some sort of lady bopgraphy kick i guess), and a few fiction books

rewatched all of bojack horseman

started on House MD and got a few seasons in before i finished the project, amazingly the perfect show to look away from bc of all the medical stuff, how many lumbar punctures do you need to show like seriously

honorable mention to the learned skill of communication and being honest and picking your battles and killing your darlings which is a larger part of managing mental illness than i cared to admit but one of the hardest ones because it involved confronting things and making big painful drastic changes and then having to tell the faculty about them. sometimes i'd be stuck on a piece of animation work for weeks/months, then go back and change the underlying idea to one i'm actually passionate about, and do the animation work in one day using newly found magical hyperfocus passion power. it's crazy! but being able to be confident about taking those steps rather than keeping on with what you're "supposed" to do went a long way.

i very much look forward to listening to a music and playing some video games properly now and being pulverized like a small victorian child from the sheer amount of fun i'm having. i'd say it was all worth it and a fun experiment in channeling the magical humours of passion and boredom and i hope it will help me with future projects too. i Am super burnt out though x__ x thanks for reading and for all your support up until now!

[1941-crowley-slut]

Rant incoming

I cannot STAND how my mom talks to me about church when she wants me to go.

For context, we obviously stopped going during covid so we were away for 2-3 years and though she watched the live broadcast every Sunday, I didn't. In fact I always deliberately left the room at that time to stay away from it. At some point I told her I don't believe anymore (honestly I remember having doubts and questions (Crowley coded lmao) since I was a kid but 11-12 is where it really just set in that I don't have that kind of faith). She didn't take ir horribly bad but told me at the time she'd like it if I still joined her at church sometimes. Which, fine. Okay.

Fast forward to when she is actually going back to church and just throws on me the news that I am going too. Doesn't ask, just tells me I'm going. And I'm pissed as fuck the whole day after that, to the point that when she asks me to find my clothes for church I actually just keep looking at my closet and want to tear everything apart. I really avoid conflicts with my mother but this one had me. I was PISSED. So when she finally asked what was going on I told her "I don't want to go". And it wasn't so much that I wasn't willing to do it for her, it's that I felt she had no regard for my beliefs and just wanted her way. A

And funnily enough, she did. Because the reponse to that was: "I know, but I'd already told you I want you to come with me sometimes. Is it so terrible, you can't even make this one little sacrifice for your mother?"

Not me being guilt tripped, but anyway. I don't remember the end of that conversation but I remember other times. Once again for context, I was in 12th grade the year that passed and it was incredibly difficult study-wise. I had 6-7 hours of school every day, then anywhere from 2-5 hours of extra studies (sometimes almost immediately) and then I also had to do homework for both school and extra studies (seperate) and a lot of it was learning things by heart, plus we had tests and exams all the time like ALL the time, some weeks I'd have 5 tests in 3 days and I was going insane. Plus on extra studies we wrote exams on Saturdays. So it was all very very hectic and mom knew that and she was very awesome for the most part, but when it came to church she just didn't. Listen. To me.

She would go "You'll come this Sunday because the next weeks will be harder for you" but the matter of the fact was, she didn't know what weeks were harder for me. She thought for xyz reasons that later it'd be worse, but in reality the times she wanted me to go i was drowning in work and getting anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns cause everything was so much. Too much. And I'd say something like "Well this week's pretty bad" and expect her to get the hint but she'd go "it's just one hour in the morning, how important is it really, you probably wouldnt even be studying then"

(Not to mention it's not really 1 hour cause I need like an hour just to wake up and get ready, then 20 minute drive, the service was either 1 or 1 and a half hours, then it was however long chatting up with all the church people, another 20 minute drive home and then I was tired and we would have lunch and I just wanted to relax and sleep etc etc. So it wasnt at all just an hour. And maybe even if I hadn't gone to church that day, it'd still be afternoon and I wouldn't have gotten started on any work. But at least I would have spent some time for myself and then would force myself to work. But anyway again)

She just does this thing where she doesn't even ask or give me the illusion of a choice. Cause the truth is that church is usually not that bad, I can deal with it, it's fine. But I hate it just because she makes me feel forced to go. If she was just like "Hey, could you come with me to church this Sunday? I'd like that" I would be much happier to go. I know she doesn't want to be by herself and that she worries about what the church peoole will think (which pisses me off as well but thats another story), I don't mind keeping her company. But I mind when she suddenly springs it on me on Saturdays that "We're going to church tomorrow" and even if I show my discomfort with it she's like "Well you have to come sometimes."

And she just she has this way that I don't understand that when she says anything related to me going to church (e.g. "Find your clothes for tomorrow to see if anything needs to be ironed"), she says it in this firm tone and so suddenly that you just even subconsciously know you have no say in this. I don't get to react to this or have an opinion, it's just something I have to do. Because she said so. And if I was to try and react, she'd circle right back to guilt-tripping me (which at this point would be really funny because I have been trying lately to help her in every way I can so it's not like "You do everything for me and I'll do this small favor for you by coming with you", I have been offering to help with chores, I've been offering to learn stuff I dont know how to do so I can help her around the house, I have been helping as far as I can. But nonetheless I know this will end badly if I try to argue)

Anyway yeah it's just. I'm tired. At first I thought it was her desperate attempt to get me back into the church, to make me believe again. Now, though I still think she clings onto some hope about that, I also believe she thinks I'm too far gone for that and really just wants me there for company and for the eyes of the world, so none of the people know I'm not a believer anymore and supposedly think of her as a failed mother.

I'd just like to be counted like an equal person in here. Especially what with reaching adulthood and all. Like she actually scolded me when I said "I'd like to go out with my friends" and waited for their approval, because she said I was just making announcements and she wants me to ask next time. Even though I was still essentially waiting for them to say yes or no, I wasn't announcing anything. And she's said this before too, I'd leave for extra studies a little earlier sometimes to go get bubble tea and I'd tell her and then she'd go "I want you to ask beforehand". Why? She wasnt even home, no one was, and I would've left like 30 minutes later anyway cause I had to, what's the big deal? Or is it just about being controlled, hm? Is it that she can't watch me be an independent person? Feels like it.

Anyway my point was I have to literally ask for everything, like with a "Can I" and a question mark and all, because "We might have something else planned" (which as I said, if they had something planned for us to do would they not tell me? And either way, if something came up I'd just tell my friends I couldn't hang out after all cause something came up and it'd be fine. But no, she insisted.) but when it comes to me she just says "You're coming" and that's it and I HATE it. I HATE IT.

If she thinks she's bringing me closer to church this way someone tell her she couldn't be more wrong.

[q-gorgeous]

Of Time and War

fanfiction

ao3

word count: 6313

Clockwork and Pariah Dark are immortal gods from different pantheons trying to learn about humanity by posing as university students. Unfortunately, they are roommates, and neither is aware the other is also a god. Romance and shenanigans ensue.

finally posting this one ahahahahha

Clockwork stood in the middle of this human learning den. How strange that human children traveled so far to learn that they’d need a new dwelling to live in. Weren’t there places to learn closer to them? 

How fitting that he was to observe and learn about humanity in a place where humans went to learn. He’d fit right in. 

He heard that humans liked to decorate their dwellings with trivial items so he decorated his side of the room with the only thing he could think of. He didn’t like many things but he did enjoy watching the flow of time, so his walls were covered in all sorts of clocks. He had as many different kinds as he could find in this town. Humans made some truly interesting clocks. Much more creative than anything their creatives could come up with. 

He was studying a very elaborate cuckoo clock when the door to his room opened. 

In the doorway stood a muscular human child. Well, technically he was an adult now by human standards. He was very young compared to Clockwork though, who was as old as time since he was time himself.

“Hello, dwelling mate.” Clockwork stuck out his hand in the ideal human greeting. A handshake. “I look forward to learning this semester.”

The human child stared at his hand and entered the room without reciprocating this human custom. Strange. Was this something that had fallen out of style? Did humans not do this anymore?

“I too look forward to learning at this learning facility.” The boy looked at him. “What’s your name?

A name. Clockwork forgot he needed a more human sounding name.

“My name. Yes, my name.” He looked around the room for a moment before his gaze landed on the cuckoo clock he had been staring at. “Chronos Cuckoo. My name is Chronos Cuckoo.” 

“Hello, Chronos. My name is Paimon Black.” He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Clockwork. 

Was this an acceptable greeting? Did humans who didn’t know each other greet each other in this way? 

“Hello… Paimon.” Clockwork awkwardly patted Paimon on the back. “How long does this greeting go on for? I am not familiar with it where I am from.” 

Paimon suddenly pulled back. “Ah, sorry. That is the greeting that I use for my human mother.”

Ah. Yes. That definitely makes more sense. Clockwork nodded. 

Paimon looked around Clockwork’s side of the room. “You have a thing for clocks, Chronos?” He looked him up and down. “Or for time specifically?”

“Yes. I love to learn about history and predict what is to come to pass. By learning what has already happened, sometimes we see things repeat themselves.” 

“Would you be going for a…” Paimon snapped his fingers thinking of the word. “History major?”

Clockwork nodded. “What about you, Paimon? What interest calls you?” 

“I like learning about weaponry and it’s used in combat.” 

“Ah. Would you also be majoring in history?” Clockwork asked. That’s kind of what it sounded like. 

Paimon shrugged. “Maybe. I’m not quite sure. I still have to-“

“Hey, nerds!” Another human stuck his head in through their open door. “The party in the common area is starting soon. Be there or be square!”

“What do squares have to do with anything?” Paimon whispered after the boy walked away. 

“Let’s go find out.” Clockwork walked toward the door. “Are you coming?”

“I suppose. I don’t have much else to do yet.”

They both walked out and Clockwork closed their door behind them, locking. “Don’t you have things to unpack?”

“Oh.” Paimon looked away. “I didn’t come with much.”

“Don’t most humans enjoy decor and paraphernalia that broadcasts their interests?”

“I was advised that bringing in my weapons and using those as decor would be unsettling for some people.” Paimon shrugged. “So I didn’t bring anything else with me.”

“That’s true. In the current gun climate, it’s an understandable request.”

They made their way to their floor’s common area. A big group of students were huddled around a table gathering and plating food and snacks. They walked up to the first table and saw a brown dessert cut up into squares.

“Maybe these are the squares that boy was talking about.” Paimon whispered. Clockwork chuckled at him.

“Hi there!” A cheerful girl spoke right next to them.

Clockwork looked up at her. She had big glasses and her blonde hair was pulled into two pigtails. He smiled. “Hi.”

“My roommate made those brownies. They’re soo good. But just a regular kind of good, if you catch my drift.”

“Are we drifting?” Paimon looked around the floor, confused.

“Ha, you are too funny.” She grabbed a brownie and put it on her plate. “I’m gonna see if I can get an anime club up and running here. Would you guys be interested in something like that? I think I’d be hosting watch parties in the common area.”

Where better to observe human culture and behavior than in an extracurricular setting? Then he can learn why some humans love this anime thing so much. 

“I would love to.” He turned to look at Paimon. “Would you like to watch this anime with us?”

Paimon looked back up from the floor. “Sure. What kinds of anime are there?”

“You’ve never heard of anime before?” Her jaw dropped and then a smirk appeared on her face. “How would you two feel about watching some anime in my dorm after the party tonight?”

Clockwork nodded. This would give him the opportunity to learn about humanity’s biggest enigma: the human woman.

“What anime would we be starting with?” Clockwork asked.

“The longest ongoing anime. We’re gonna start with One Piece.”

“Ohh sounds fascinating.”

They milled around the party for a few hours before retiring to the girl’s room.

He stopped as he crossed the threshold to the room. “I apologize, I never got your name.”

“It’s Cindy. And my roommate's name is Libby.”

“Sup.”

Clockwork jumped and turned around to see the other girl. “Hello. My name is Chronos, and this is Paimon.”

“Hi.” Paimon gave Libby a small wave.

Cindy pulled out a small television from inside the closet. “We don’t have much room but I think we could move the dresser to the center of the room and we can all pile on my bed to watch it.”

Once they got everything set up, Clockwork became engrossed as they watched. These pirates were such explorers. They wanted to see the world and accomplish great things. 

After a couple hours, Cindy turned off the television after the last episode finished.

“Is that it?” Clockwork asked sadly.

“No, there’s wayy more than that.” Cindy said. “But I think it’s time we turn in for the night. We don’t want to be late for our first day of classes tomorrow.”

“I suppose.” Clockwork said as he stood up. 

“Will you let us know when you get your anime association set up?” Paimon smiled at Cindy. “I look forward to watching this again.”

“Yeah! I’ll probably hang flyers up to let others know it’s happening too.”

“Thank you.” Paimon waved as they exited the room. “Have a good night, ladies.”

“I’ve never been so fascinated by anything before.” Clockwork said as they walked back to their room.

“Not even with clocks?”

“Those don’t count. Clocks and time are everything to me. I just meant in terms of such trivial things. I never thought television would be so interesting.”

“You didn’t have a television back home?” Paimon asked. “I thought most families had one.”

“Oh.” Clockwork realized he probably didn’t know as much about humans as he should’ve if he wanted to blend in more. “You’re right. My… Parental units just weren’t interested in it so I didn’t think I had any reason to be either.”

“That makes sense.” Paimon unlocked the door to their room. “Well I guess we should go to bed so we can be up bright and early for class tomorrow.”

“I guess.” Clockwork sighed. “Goodnight then.” 

They climbed into bed and Clockwork laid there. He was still thinking about those pirates. 

He pulled out his cellular device. He could find a copy of it on the world wide web. He had time powers. He could just watch all of it before tomorrow. He wouldn’t even be late for class.

After only a moment's deliberation, he pulled his ear buds out and found the anime online. He’s never had something catch his attention in this way. He deserved to indulge himself in it a little. 

Time did not creep forward until Clockwork got to the latest episode. He didn’t realize this anime wasn’t complete. But now he had something to wait for much like the humans do. He would get to find out what the anticipation of waiting for a new episode felt like.

He finally started time again and let his eyes fall shut. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Clockwork was pleasantly surprised to see Cindy in his first class of the day. He walked up to her with a big smile on his face.

“I finished it.”

She smiled at him as she sat down. “Finished what?”

“The anime. One piece.”

Her jaw dropped. “You finished it? How?”

“I spent all night watching it.” He puffed his chest out.

“No, that’s still not possible. All of One Piece has a total screen time of sixteen days. There’s no way you could’ve finished it all in one night.”

Clockwork froze. He did not think of that when he was deciding if he should freeze time to watch it. “Oh. I must’ve missed something somewhere. Haha. Guess I didn’t finish it after all.”

Cindy chuckled. “That’s okay. I’m glad to see you’re excited about it. It’s cute.”

“Cute?”

Cindy looked at him. “Yeah. A lot of guys think it’s cringe to like anime. It’s cute how into it you got.”

“Why is anything cringe? If one enjoys something they should embrace it.”

Cindy looked at Libby as she walked up to them. “This guy gets it.”

Libby threw up a peace sign at him. “Slay.” 

Paimon walked into class and walked up to them once he saw them.

“Hello, friends.”

He wrapped his arms around Clockwork and he froze. He was quickly realizing that this wasn’t the most common human greeting.

“Oh, wow.” Cindy said. “You guys are a lot closer than I thought. How long have you been together?”

“Together?” Paimon asked.

“Yeah, are you guys dating?” Libby asked. 

“No!” Clockwork shook his head. “We only just met yesterday.”

“Oh.” Libby said. “You guys just look like you’ve known each other for a while.”

“That’s just how people greet each other where I am from.” Paimon spoke quickly. “I did not realize it wasn’t a customary greeting in other places.”

“Nah, it’s chill. It’s just usually reserved for people you’re closer to. I’m sure everyone could use more hugs in their day to day life though.”

“Yeah!” Cindy said. “It’s really not that weird, just unexpected.”

Paimon nodded. 

That was when their professor walked in. 

“Well, we should go sit down.” Clockwork said to Cindy. He scanned the room for empty seats and found two at the back of the class.

He waved Paimon to walk behind him and they made their way to their seats together. 

They sat down and Clockwork pulled out a notebook and scrambled for a pencil in his bag. Did he forget to pack them? He wasn’t normally forgetful.

“Here.” Paimon said. 

Clockwork looked up to see Paimon holding up a pencil to him. He stared for a couple seconds and reached out to grab it. When he touched the pencil, his hand accidentally grazed Paimon’s and it sent a shock through his system. He quickly took the pencil and faced towards the front of the classroom. 

He didn’t know what that was. Why such a simple touch made him feel that way. In his millennia he’s never had that happen to him. What was it?

“Hello, everyone. My name is Professor Haggardy. Today we will be going over-”

Clockwork shook his head. It wasn’t a big deal. It didn’t matter. He should focus on his class and what the humans thought was important.

~~~~~~~~~~

A few weeks later Clockwork and Paimon were once again headed to Cindy and Libby’s room. She requested that they bring their own refreshments. Libby was making more brownies and Cindy made something called ants on a log. He didn’t realize humans were still eating bugs, but he supposed that’s why he was here. To learn more about them. 

Clockwork prepared his favorite dish that he has witnessed during all his time. The ube cake roll. Paimon was bringing plates, cups, and soda pop because he apparently didn’t know how to cook.

They stopped in front of the girl’s door and Clockwork knocked. He heard shuffling on the other side and then Cindy opened the door. 

“Hey, guys!” Cindy said excitedly. “Come on in.”

She ushered them in and closed the door behind them.

“You can put the food on this folding table over here. Then get settled in because I have some cool news.”

Clockwork set down his cake roll and saw Libby’s brownies, but next to it there was a plate of celery with peanut butter and raisins placed to look like ants. He nodded to himself. This made much more sense. 

While Paimon was setting his own stuff down, Clockwork turned to walk the short distance across the room. He jumped and landed on Cindy’s bed and he watched as she set up the tv so they could watch the first episode of an anime called Death Note. It was one that she thought Paimon would like because it was basically a type of weapon. 

Paimon dropped onto the bed next to Clockwork, landing almost on top of him. His skin felt electric where it brushed Paimon’s arm. Paimon adjusted to get more comfortable, but didn’t move any further away from him. 

“So, before we start I have some good news!” Cindy said as she looked at them. Libby gave her a thumbs up from where she sat on the other end of the bed.

“We got approved to start hosting an anime club every week in the common room!”

“Wooo!” Libby cheered. Clockwork smiled. 

“That’s great.” Paimon said. 

“Yeah! I’m looking forward to getting to know more people! I used to go to clubs when I was in high school and I miss having a group extracurricular that was just for fun.”

“Will we still have our own weekly anime hangouts?” Clockwork asked.

Cindy nodded. “Of course! You guys are my friends. I like hanging out with you. But one of these days I think we should make plans to do something besides watching anime.”

Clockwork nodded thoughtfully. That would give him the opportunity to see what else humans did for fun.

“We could go clubbing.”

Cindy barked out a laugh. “Libby none of us are old enough to go clubbing. They wouldn’t let us in anywhere.”

Libby shrugged. “A girl can dream, can’t she?” 

“We could go axe throwing.” Paimon suggested. 

Cindy’s eyes widened and she shot Paimon a look. “Axe throwing? I didn’t peg you for the violent type. You seem pretty chill.” 

Paimon shrugged and the motion rocked Clockwork a little. “Gotta let off steam somehow, right?”

She laughed. “I suppose. We ready to get started?”

Clockwork nodded in tandem with Paimon and Libby. Cindy hit play on the tv and hopped onto the bed between Clockwork and Libby. 

They watched a couple hours of this host anime that Clockwork couldn’t remember the name of. By the time this last episode they watched was ending, he could feel Paimon nodding off, his head resting on Clockwork’s shoulder. Cindy chuckled to his right.

“I suppose we should wrap up for the night so he can go to sleep.” She pointed at Paimon. 

Clockwork smiled. “I suppose. I was enjoying the anime though.”

“We can always finish watching it when you two come over next.”

He nodded. “That sounds swell.”

Clockwork turned to Paimon and shook his shoulder.

“Paimon, wake up.”

Paimon groggily looked up, his face inches from Clockwork’s. He met his gaze and for a moment they were frozen there. The tension grew and Paimon looked down at Clockwork’s lips before glancing back up at his eyes. After a moment Paimon’s eyes widened and he backed away. 

“Sorry, did I fall asleep? How much did I miss?”

Clockwork’s face grew warm and he stood up. “I’m not sure. We were going to stop for the night since you seemed so tired.”

“Oh.” Paimon said, disappointed. He stood up next to Clockwork. 

“Well I hope you two had fun.” Cindy stood up and walked them to the door, waggling her eyebrows at Clockwork. The blush crept up onto his face again. What was happening to him?

“I sure did. We’ll see you two tomorrow.” 

Clockwork waved at the girls. Cindy waved back but apparently Libby had also fallen asleep at some point. She was snoring on Cindy’s bed.

Cindy closed the door behind them and Clockwork and Paimon headed down the hallway towards their own room. 

Paimon yawned and Clockwork chuckled at him. “Tired today?”

He nodded. “I think I was up too late last night studying for an exam. I’m feeling it today.”

“Well, hopefully you get a better night’s rest tonight.” Clockwork opened their door and held it open for Paimon. He walked inside past him and Clockwork closed the door behind him. 

“You’re telling me.”

They got changed and ready for bed. Just before Clockwork was about to turn the light off, Paimon wrapped his arms around his middle. A fluttering feeling erupted inside his stomach. 

Clockwork swallowed. “Is this a common goodbye as well?”

Paimon nodded against Clockwork’s cheek. “It is.” 

Clockwork lifted his arms up and wrapped them around Paimon’s shoulders. This one felt different. Normally there wasn’t so much tension in a simple greeting. Something was happening to Clockwork. He didn’t think a god such as himself could feel such a thing.

He pushed it down and after another second pulled away from Paimon. 

“Goodnight.” He turned off the light. They both got into their beds.

“Goodnight, Chronos.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

It was their semester break. Everyone else went back home for the holidays but Clockwork didn’t have any family to go home to. He only had the other gods in his pantheon, but they didn’t really celebrate such trivial holidays. 

The only other person who didn’t go home was Paimon. Clockwork thought it was odd. He wondered what Paimon’s home life was. He didn’t talk about it very often and when he did it was very stilted. 

Clockwork decided that while he didn’t have classes to worry about he could try out having a human job. He applied before the semester ended and he was going on day fourteen with no day off in sight until the semester started. He was tired to the bone and he didn’t understand how businesses could do this to their employees. If a god like Clockwork felt like this after two weeks, he couldn’t imagine what a regular human would feel like. 

He opened the door to his dorm room. He could barely keep his eyes open but he could see that the light was off. 

Staying quiet, Clockwork took his coat off and hung it up in their closet. He stumbled his way over to the nearest bed and collapsed onto it. He was expecting the soft give of his blanket but instead he was met with someone’s hard chest and a soft oof sound.

“...what?” Paimon breathed out. 

Clockwork’s eyes snapped open and he lifted himself up to see Paimon blearily staring up at him. 

“I’m so sorry. For waking you up. I thought this was-”

Paimon scooted over in his bed and pushed Clockwork down onto the mattress beside him. Clockwork froze and waited for Paimon to remove his hand from his side, but he never did. 

“Paimon?” Clockwork whispered.

“...m tired. Just go to sleep.” Paimon said. His breathing evened out and deepened and soon Paimon was asleep again. Clockwork still didn’t move. If he got up to go to his own bed he would wake Paimon up again. But was this really okay? Would Paimon be upset in the morning?

Clockwork looked at Paimon’s sleeping face. He didn’t seem too bothered by it when he woke up. And he was already back asleep. He must’ve been comfortable enough. 

Clockwork shifted, settling in and getting more comfortable. He closed his eyes and soon he was also asleep. 

The next morning came by and Clockwork slowly drifted awake. He was laying on his back but he could feel something on his shoulder and draped across his chest. 

He pulled his eyes open and was surprised at what he saw. 

Paimon had his shoulder resting on Clockwork’s shoulder, with his arm draped across his chest. He looked so peaceful as he slept. Clockwork couldn’t help but trace every line in his face. The way his lips turned up or the sharp slope of his nose. A warm feeling spread across his body and the fluttering sensation was back. 

He smiled as he watched Paimon and it was then that Clockwork realized what he’d been feeling. 

Love. 

Human’s were known for their love. It was what drove the majority of their lives. Clockwork never thought he’d be one to succumb to it. A not to a human, no less. 

But as Clockwork stared at Paimon’s face, lit up by the sun filtering in through their blinds, there was no denying this feeling. 

He was falling in love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clockwork stood outside Cindy’s door. He wasn’t sure if he should actually knock or not. He wasn’t sure if this is something Cindy would be willing to talk to him about. Would she turn him away?

He raised his hand up to knock and paused. Maybe he shouldn’t-

Suddenly the door opened in front of him and he saw Cindy staring at her keys. She looked up and jumped a little when she saw him. She smiled.

“Hey, Chronos. What’s up?” 

He swallowed. He supposed he should just follow through with it. 

“Hey. I wanted to ask you about some… relationship advice.”

She smirked. “Oh? Well come on in. We can’t stay too long though because I have to get to work but I have a couple minutes.” 

She stepped aside to let him into her room and she shut the door after him.

“Sooo… Paimon?”

Clockwork looked up at her sharply. “How did you know?”

She rolled her eyes at him and sat on her bed. “It’s not that hard to figure out. You guys have had really good chemistry all year, especially considering you two have only known each other that long.”

“What does chemistry have to do with Paimon?”

She laughed. “It’s just a figure of speech. It means you guys work really well together.”

“Oh.” Clockwork sat down on the bed next to her. He looked at the floor for a few moments. 

“How does falling in love work?” Clockwork asked Cindy.

The teasing expression fell from her face and she smiled softly at him. “I’m not sure that anyone knows that.”

“Does it happen to everyone?”

She shrugged. “Some people never fall in love. Some people fall in love with a lot of people. It depends on the person.”

“I never thought I’d be the type of person to fall in love.” He said. “It seemed so trivial.”

“Do you think you’re falling in love?”

He looked at her. “How would I know?”

“Well, how do you feel?”

Clockwork looked back at the floor. “I like being around him. He touches me and it feels like electricity runs through my veins. I’m always thinking about him but it also scares me. I’m not afraid of anything, but this terrifies me.”

“I think that’s how you know it’s love.” Cindy said quietly. 

“What do I do about it?”

She shook her head. “That's for you to decide. You could tell him or you could keep your friendship the way it is. I can’t tell you what you should or shouldn’t do.” She knocked her shoulder into his. “I can tease you about it, but I can’t seriously tell you what to do.”

Clockwork nodded his head. “I guess I’ll have to think about it.”

“Yeah, do that. Thinking about it is good. It’ll help you decide what you really want to do.”

Cindy slapped her hands on her knees and groaned as she stood up. “But I do have to go to work. You down for some anime again this week?”

Clockwork smiled at her as he stood up. “Always.”

They walked to the door and she pulled her key back out and opened it.

“I hope it goes well.” She said.

“Me too. Thank you for listening.” 

“You’re welcome. That’s what friends are for.” She pulled the door closed behind her and locked it. “Hey, while I’m remembering it, do you and Paimon want to come to my sister’s party she’s having at her sorority?”

“Sure. Will it be like our floor parties that we have in the common area?” Clockwork started walking with her as she headed down the hallway. 

“It’ll be much more exciting than that.” She smirked at him. “There’ll be alcohol and brownies. But they’ll be the good, good kind of brownies.”

“We’ll be there. I’ll ask Paimon about it.” 

“Bet!”

He waved at her as they split and walked down opposite directions of the next hallway. He headed back to his room and opened the door. 

Paimon was sitting with his legs splayed against the wall and his head hanging off the edge of his bed. He was throwing a ball up into the air and catching it in his hands as he stared at the ceiling. His eyes darted to look at Clockwork as he threw the ball up again but he missed it as it fell back down and it hit him in the chest. 

Clockwork chuckled. “Lost in thought?”

He sat down on the floor in front of Paimon’s face as he groaned. 

“No. I’m just thinking about my math class.” 

“I could always help you with it. I’m doing fairly well myself. I’d be glad to help.” Clockwork said. 

Paimon met Clockwork’s gaze and held it for a few beats before speaking. “Thanks. That’d be super cool.”

Clockwork chuckled and looked away. “Anyways, Cindy invited us to a party at her sister’s sorority. Says it’s supposed to be really exciting. Did you want to come with me?”

“Sure!” Paimon said. “I’d love to go to the party with you.”

Heat rose to Clockwork’s cheeks. “Cool. Did you want to start working on our math homework together? We can go over anything you don’t understand.”

“Yeah, that’d be great.”

Clockwork stood up and watched as Paimon crawled around and readjusted himself so he could stand up. But when he did, he tripped into Clockwork. He grabbed Paimon’s arms so he didn’t fall to the ground and they both froze. 

Paimon made eye contact with Clockwork and pulled away. “Thanks. That could’ve been bad.”

“No problem.”

They gathered their math materials and settled down on Paimon’s bed and started working on their homework. Their arms brushed against each other as they gestured to the work in their textbooks and their notebooks. They stayed like that until they finished the assignment and separated to go to bed for the night.

~~~~~~~~~

Clockwork and Paimon walked into the sorority house together. It was filled to the brim with people and the music was loud. Lights were blinking and strung all throughout the house, almost as if it was moving to the beat of the music. 

“Have you ever been to a party like this?” Clockwork leaned close to Paimon and shouted at him.

Paimon shook his head. “I wasn’t invited to much back home.” 

“Me either. I-”

“Paimon! Chronos!” Cindy called. 

She danced her way over to them, her hips swaying to the music and a bottle of alcohol in one hand and a brownie in the other. “How goes it?” She asked. 

“We are doing well.” Clockwork smiled at her. “Are you having fun so far?”

“So much fun!” Cindy cheered. “We’ve been waiting for you to get here!” 

“Is Libby here as well?” Paimon asked. 

“She sure is.”

Clockwork and Paimon jumped at the voice that was suddenly behind them. They turned to see Libby with her own brownie. She threw a peace sign up at them. 

“There’s my girl!” Cindy walked in between them to get to Libby, throwing her arms around her. “Now the party can really get started!” 

“I’m not sure we have much to add.” Clockwork said. “Neither of us have ever been to a party like this before.” 

Cindy gasped dramatically. “Never?”

“Never.” Paimon repeated back to her.

“Such a shame.” Libby said.

“It is such a shame.” Cindy threw her head back sadly. 

“What do you usually do at parties?” Clockwork asked. “We could start with that.”

Cindy gasped and smiled at them, looking between Clockwork and Paimon before her gaze settled on Clockwork. 

“Let’s play seven minutes in heaven!” Cindy said excitedly.

“What is this?” Clockwork asked.

“You’ve never played seven minutes in heaven before?” Libby asked. “Tragic.”

“We play it kind of like spin the bottle.” Cindy said. “You sit in a circle and take an empty bottle and spin it. Whoever it lands on, you both have to spend seven minutes in the closet doing anything you want.” She waggled her eyebrows at that. 

“Some people just sit and talk, some people just wait for their time to be up.” Libby bounced her shoulders up and down. “Some people even get freaky while they’re in there.”

“Let’s start!” Cindy called.

The party goers gathered around and sat in a big circle around the room. Clockwork watched Paimon sit next to Cindy across from him in the circle. 

“Paimon, why don’t you go first?”

He looked at her and shrugged. Grabbing the bottle, he twisted it and watched it as it twirled around on the floor. 

The bottle spun quickly in the center of their group. It slowed down and finally landed on Clockwork. Paimon looked up at him and met his gaze. 

“Ohhhh. Paimon and Chronos. Time for your seven minutes in heaven.” She did a little dance as she smirked at them. 

She walked them to the closet and opened it.

“And just so you guys can’t get out before your time is up, I’m putting this on the doorknob.” She held up an oddly shaped piece of white plastic. 

They looked at each other and stepped inside the closet. She smirked at them and waved.

“Have fun you two.”

Paimon was staring at the door before his gaze slid over to Clockwork. “What do we do now?”

Clockwork shrugged. “Whatever we want, I guess. We could just talk. Or go over some material from our classes.”

Paimon nodded stiffly. “We could go over our mathematics course?”

“Okay.”

Clockwork started going over the material for their Real Analysis math course. It was such simple math, he was glad to help Paimon with it. They both tested into the course but he could understand why a human such as Paimon would have a harder time understanding the concepts presented to him. 

He was going over the next concept they learned that week when Paimon shifted.

Clockwork felt Paimon’s hand slide across the floor and brush his. His heart rate spiked and he swallowed. How did these feelings overtake him so fully? Why was he so nervous? He was a god for titan’s sake. 

“This is what humans do when they like each other, right?” 

Clockwork nodded. “It is.”

Was he really going to act on these feelings? Could he do that?

Clockwork lifted his hand and scooped up Paimon’s. 

They turned to face each other, their faces inches apart when the closet door opened.

“Your seven minutes are up you two!” Cindy singsonged. 

Clockwork and Paimon jumped away from each other. Clockwork’s heart was racing. Were they really about to do that? 

Clockwork stood up and held his hand out to help Paimon stand up. Paimon reached up and took his hand. They walked out past Cindy and she was giving them eyes. Clockwork’s face flushed and he tried to ignore her look. 

“Okay, now it’s Libby’s and Buster’s turn!” 

Clockwork walked away from the group as they cheered and Paimon followed after him. Paimon grabbed his hand and Clockwork turned to face him.

“Did you want to get out of here?” Paimon asked quietly. 

Clockwork studied him for a moment before he nodded. 

The walk from the sorority was quick. They weren’t that far away from their dorm building. Once they got inside the building, they walked back to their dorm room quietly. The air felt charged between them and Clockwork wasn’t sure what was going to happen once they got there. Would it be good? Would it be bad? Would he even like it? Would they just pretend like nothing happened? 

Clockwork went to open their dorm room door and it felt like it took an eternity. He opened the door and walked inside, Paimon quickly closing it behind them. Before Clockwork could even turn the lights on, Paimon had walked up to him, grabbing one of his hands again. 

Paimon’s other hand lifted and traced over Clockwork’s cheek. He leaned into Paimon’s and and closed his eyes. Paimon rested his head in the crook of Clockwork’s shoulder and he could feel his heart rate spiking. Paimon pulled back a little, his breath warming over Clockwork’s neck. 

“Is this the beginning of what we call a human mating ritual?” Clockwork whispered. Paimon’s face was inches from his own as he lifted his head back up. Clockwork didn’t know what a human would do in this situation. He was the god of time. Not… This. But he couldn’t deny the feelings bubbling up inside him. Could he really let himself feel like this for a mere mortal?

“I believe so.” Paimon breathed out across Clockwork’s cheek. He shuddered. 

“How do we start?” He asked.

Paimon was quiet for a few moments before he whispered back.

“I don’t know.”

Clockwork’s eyes widened. “You don’t know?” He’s always heard that young men were overly curious about this sort of thing. How didn’t he know anything about human mating rituals?

“I’ve never done anything like this before.” Paimon looked down at Clockwork’s lips. 

“Me either.”

“Our floor mates would be laughing at us right now, wouldn’t they?” Paimon chuckled.

Clockwork smiled. He placed a hand on Paimon’s cheek. “Yes. They would be. How is it that they know so much more than us?”

Paimon’s smile fell off his face. “I don’t know exactly what I’m feeling. You make me feel nice. I like being around you. But it’s different than how I like being around that girl that invited us to her fun ‘anime association’. It’s bigger. More encompassing.”

Clockwork stared at him. “Bigger than us?”

Paimon chuckled again. “Yes, somehow bigger than us.” He pulled his gaze away from Clockwork’s. “It’s somehow bigger than us but you couldn’t even imagine how big I am.”

“Is that a human euphemism?”

“No!” Paimon pulled back, a flush creeping up to his ears. “What if I told you something that your small human mind couldn’t comprehend?”

Clockwork frowned. “What would another human be able to tell me that I wouldn’t be able to comprehend?”

“What if I told you that I wasn’t just another human?”

Clockwork's heart felt like it stopped. Not another human? That’d be absurd. What would the chances of that happening be?

“What do you mean, you’re not just another human?”

“I’m not a human.” Paimon said. “I was sent here by my pantheon to observe human life on earth more closely. But we started getting so close and I couldn’t help but feel… Feel like I was somehow taking advantage of you, being such a high power when you’re just a human.”

Clockwork barked out a laugh. It built up until he was belly laughing in the middle of their room. He grabbed Paimon’s wrist. 

“See, you’re human mind can’t comprehend it.”

Clockwork shook his head. “No that’s not it. I’m laughing at the absurdity of it. I was also sent here by my own pantheon to observe the humans.”

Paimon just stared at Clockwork for a few moments, processing this new information. 

“You’re not a human?”

“Not any more than you are, apparently.” 

“What’s your name?”

He smiled. “My name is Clockwork.”

Paimon’s eyes widened. 

���Is that why that first night before classes felt like it took forever? You watched that whole anime?”

Clockwork blinked at him. “My powers didn’t freeze you in time?”

“No!” Paimon threw his arms up in the air, Clockwork's hand going with his wrist. “I kept waking up thinking ‘surely it’ll be morning this time.’ And it never was! For so long!”

Clockwork barked out another hearty laugh. “I didn’t even notice anything with my earbuds in. How wild.”

“Pariah.”

“Huh?” Clockwork asked.

“My name. It’s Pariah Dark.”

“Ah, the god of war.” Clockwork let go of Pariah’s wrist and trailed his hands up his arms and around his neck. “I guess you don’t have to worry about taking advantage of me anymore.”

Pariah smiled at him. “I guess not.” 

Clockwork looked at Pariah’s lips and inched forward, pressing his own against them. They stayed like that for a few moments before he pulled away. 

“How lucky are we to have found someone that’ll stay with us forever?”

Pariah trailed his hand against Clockwork’s face.

“The luckiest of all.”

[newvillainontheblock]

[OFF-SCREEN POST] //CHECK TAGS!

Late night in Castelia City, moon shining high in the sky above the dark factory that Zee was ready to walk into. Into...whatever Team Suit had planned.

This was the address huh? It looked pretty abandoned, arc how many tropes was this fulfilling now?

"You're the new Joker right?"

SHIT-

Zee quickly jerked as someone with a mask with 2 diamonds on it spoke behind her. It took everything in it's being to not hit them, and that was hard already.

"I'll take you to the Queens and Kings now." The stranger stepped forward and opened up the door for them as Zee followed inside.

Mostly empty except for the amount of people, a wide amount of space with a table at the very center of it all. A few people already sat down, with one chair open.

"That for me?"

"Yes, take a seat."

So there's eight people....king of spades....king of clubs...hearts...diamonds...and their queens...

Zee analyzed the table as she walked forward, noticing the grunts with card masks surrounding the table....this wasn't going to be fun at all if things went the worse.

Certainly armed too, bunch of pokeballs...

Taking a seat by the one with a giant red heart on her mask, it waited for the group to speak.

"Nice of you to join us, Miss Suzie-"

"Scoundrel."

"Sorry, Scoundrel, but you know what we want to do right?"

"Burn down society am I wrong?"

The building went silent for a minute before the Red Queen spoke again. "Yes. And-"

"What do I gotta do with that?"

".....We have some idea of who you are Scoundrel, more than the other people who only value you because of your mother. You want change. We want change."

"What does. My mother. Have to do with it?"

"You didn't like your mother, we studied hard on you, you know? Someone tried to attack her, plus you running away. We got her out of the way for you, so you can take over-"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

All of the building was filled with Zee's laughter as the Kings and Queens stared in confusion.

"What's so-"

"You speak so much about how you know me, but you think I couldn't tell y'all wanted to use. Me. Like. A. Puppet? Have me get my mom's money then fund your speedrun to prison, huh? Have I got any of that wrong?"

They got up from the table, done with the people that only wanted to use them. Arc it's sickening those idiots.

"Wait-"

A hand reached out to grab it, but Zee caught it with hers and laced hers and their fingers together as it jerked the other person closer.

Face to face with the Red Queen.

"Dont. Ever. Think. I'm that easy to fuck with."

Acid poured out of their hand, covering the Red Queen's hand, as she shrieked and screamed from the pain. Zee only held on tighter as the Red Queen tried to pull away, laughing up into the sky for no one else other than them.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING-"

Zee's other hand shot toward approaching grunts, pointing a canister of stored acid and shot pressurized acid toward them, causing them to fall and scream with pain.

"Anyone else?"

The Red Queen couldn't even stand anymore, just weak and tired from screaming, her voice was starting to go out as she fell to her knees.

Zee gets down on the floor in front of them, still holding the Red Queen's hand, rotted down to the bone.

What was left of the flesh hanging off and falling to the ground.

"Now, we learned our lesson alright?"

With dazed eyes, the Red Queen looked up at her and nodded, and as Scoundrel finally let go, she fell onto the ground. Zee standing over their body.

With a gleeful smile, they waved and turned on their heel, walking back out of the factory.

[everybodyknows-everybodydies]

2023 Year-End Fic Roundup

tagged by @rakaiawriter (thank you! :'D)

if you also want to do it. consider yourself TAGGED 😎

(sticking it under the cut to save your dash ^^')

Words written (published or otherwise): oh dear - I've been adding to my wip docs this month so I don't have an exact count for just 2023 anymore, but for a comparison, AO3 says I published 15,944 words in 2023 and my combined word count for the year when I checked in at the end of November was 45,897, so... maybe around 50k by the end of December if I'm being generous haha

Smut scenes written (if applicable): definitely not applicable lol - I am reasonably sure nobody else wants me writing smut either XD

New things tried: wrote for several new characters in 2023 for sure! technique-wise I think the most notable new thing tried was probably the little epistolary piece with Hallie though? first-person POV and I are still not likely to be friends, but I do think I learned from it!

Fic I spent the most time on: from what's posted, probably twiw! one of the first ones I started; worked on it for a couple months on and off as I got a better sense of everyone and figured out how I wanted to articulate some things. close second place to Kharish and Tolfdir's field trip though for sure (more plot-relevant pieces always take significantly longer than my natural habitat of "people talking about things, often to avoid talking about other things" ahaha)

Fic I spent the least time on: the wizard divorce arguing happened in a fugue state over like. three or four hours. somehow. no I cannot replicate this on command dghsdklf

Favorite thing written: I'm really proud of a lot of what I accomplished this past year, but. is it cheesy if I confess that I go "ehehe ;u;" whenever I think about so-fish-ticated...

Favorite thing read: GLADLY taking this opportunity to plug A Study in Self-Immolation by @ehlnofay and Corners by @jiubilant, both of which lodged indelibly in my ribs on impact <3 :')

Writing goals for 2024: more of it in general!! I know I say it all the time lol but I'm genuinely so thrilled to have been able to pick it up again in 2023 finally and really looking forward to seeing where I can go now + getting braver about sharing things again ;u;

[footballandfiasco]

If it's not a secret, in what field do you work? you wrote that this is a dream internship, how did you understand what you like to do. I graduated from university, but now I understand that I don't like this specialty and I don't understand what I want to do in life at all

i work for a local tv & radio channel and i'm part of the editorial office. the internship is for a local football magazine/website (i really don't know how to describe it tbh but they make football content) covering all things eintracht frankfurt!

it was a dream internship because i really want to get into media journalism & editorial stuff more atm, i'm so intrigued by it & i just want to try things out which is why i applied! but if i'm being honest when i applied for the internship i was in a period where i felt really, really lost and overwhelmed and did not know how to even find things i'm interested in. and i still feel that way. i think that trying things out is the only way forward, even if it means to go out of your comfort zone sometimes. it can be scary, really. but i think knowing what you don't want to do is also very important because how else will you figure out what you want then. and i think that even if you feel like you don't like what you studied anymore, you still learned something. and that means its worth something.

i think you should just go for your interests and look for what works out for you! i am interested in any kind of media & tv content so i looked for any kind of job that is going somewhat in that direction. i used to work for a different tv channel and i was responsible for the audience service, i was answering calls from viewers & answered their questions! that was very fun & i realized that i like working with people even though i'm an introvert. but i also realized, and that's why i quit the job eventually, that i'm not happy with only sitting at the desk every single day. you gain new insights, always!!

[kjaerekrake]

trying to be more active again

Hi ! I took quite a hiatus and I’m trying to come back to tumblr and be more active, like the good old days. I see quite a lot of people have left, and I have no idea who is studying languages anymore, but I figured I would take an opportunity to reintroduce myself for those who may be new or those I haven’t spoken to in a while !

My name is Briar ! I’m 23 and I dropped out of college for a while due to mental health reasons, but now I am back and finishing my degree in psychology. I may or may not graduate in 2025, but I am currently unsure, however I will definitely pursue my masters. I’m an American from the state of Wisconsin. 

I was previously studying Spanish, French, Norwegian and Finnish before I left, but I’ve since lost my French pretty much because I wasn’t using it, and I’ve put Finnish on the backburner. I’m currently learning Arabic in school and relearning French on my own, as well as making an effort to really learn and understand Spanish, and building my Norwegian ( Norwegian is probably one of my best languages currently, as I watch streamers and youtubers in this language. 

I have no idea what level I am in any of these but if I had to guess:

Spanish: B1 or B2

French: A1

Norwegian: B1ish

Arabic: A1

Finnish: A0

I’m currently working on a lot of things, for example, I’m starting to get back into art and posting my art again, both here and on Twitter, I want to get into Twitch streaming eventually, and I want to maybe start a Youtube channel sometime in 2023ish. I love cooking and trying new foods, as well as working out in order to get my mental health in check. I also enjoy video games and games in general. 

I’m so excited to be apart of this community again. I want to learn better studying habits and overall just be a better person in general. 

I’m looking forward to meeting y’all and making more friends hopefully!

[bsdndprplplld]

I can relate to your undergrad experience! And I think it might be a good sign looking forward, because you've developed insights and ways of thinking and motivation to go beyond undergrad and seek out new spaces where you can do your own work. That's by no means common, I know many fellow undergrads who are a) as mystified when they retake a class as they were the first time round, and b) feel accomplished enough to have passed eg Introductory Analysis and have no drive to look onward. You seem to know very much what you're good at, what interests you and which areas you'd like to grow in. I'd argue that undergrad studies, which give you an introduction and overview of the field and teach basic reasoning skills while not expecting any really original problem solving aren't exactly made for people like you. Talking to your professors or Masters or even PhD students is a really good idea!

thank you for your input, it brings a huge relief!

I already talked to two of my professors and they said that there is nothing to worry about. my advisor said that in his opinion learning new concepts while working on some problem is the right way to learn and from his experience this is way more rewarding than learning for school or even "just to learn". he also said that if I'm interested in working more on open stuff then he will let me know when he finds some questions I could ponder. the other professor said that it's a good thing, because from his experience a lot of people tend to get discouraged when there is no way of knowing how long solving the problem will take or how much new theory is needed, and I seem to be the other way around, so the work I'll be doing in the future probably won't scare me as much

I talked to some of my friends who are about to finish undergrad like me, and there are people who feel the same way as I do. coincidentally, those are the people who had the same situation as mine, that is, they were lucky enough to find an advisor who gave them an open question to work on. other people I talked to seem to be fairly content with studying for the classes and completing homework assignments, and they didn't get to work on something open yet, so maybe it has something to do with getting the taste of the good stuff haha

I can see now that the future looks good and I'm motivated to go exploring. I am aware that I have so much more to learn, but having got the reassurance that I'm probably doing it right, it doesn't sound as scary anymore

[darklovecat]

Today was a very productive day!

☆:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::☆

I signed up for a new language learning course!

I have been making use of a portion of my free time to learn a new language. Being a polyglot was always something that greatly benefited my work life. I know for a fact that I would have never gotten the opportunity to participate in certain events, gained admission to certain unis and programs if I wasn't fluent in multiple languages, being fluent in different languages is such a valuable asset and it always makes me stand out from other applicants. I used to have a lot of side gigs and I have worked as a play sister, a translator, a voice actor and I was able to make quick money simply because I was fluent in foreign languages. I can read and write my dream language now but self-learning can only get me so far and I am not ready for immersion just yet, I need a solid foundation first and I signed up for a language class today. It will begin in April and I am planning on using the next month to review and refresh so I am ready for my new course.

I decluttered my wardrobe!

I am getting rid of all clothes and accessories that I do not love. I am constantly decluttering my wardrobe but it is a never ending process for me because I enjoy shopping a little too much and I own a lot of clothes that I simply don't wear anymore. I donate them, I gift them and I sell them online. I have received 2 new orders and had a fun time ironing the clothes, packing them, adding lots of gifts and cute little notes to thank them for their purchases. I love opening packages and there's nothing like opening a beautifully wrapped order and getting all excited for your new product and I want the person who receives my order to feel happy and excited like I always do. I drove to the carrier company to send off the orders but they had a system error, I had to wait for an hour or so and drove to another branch that had the same issue and I lost a lot of time in the process. It was a bummer, but at least I got my 10k steps in and I'll try again tomorrow.

I placed some new orders!

I have this really annoying habit - if I love a product, I buy a ridiculous amount of backups, I buy all colors available and I purchase items that are so similar that it's basically the same thing. I am a loyal customer and I love going back to the brands that have worked for me in the past and I don't really feel the need to step out of my comfort zone and try something new when there's already something out there that works for me. I ordered a new Longchamp bag, I already own various colors and different sizes, but this time I am trying a new color and a slightly different model to match the trench coat I have ordered, I want a cohesive look and my outerwear, bag, and shoes are usually the same color so I can always look and feel put together. I also rushed to the mall to buy the same exact wrap top I already own so I can wear it more often, and I also ordered 3 new white tops, I ordered some Olaplex products for my hair, and I bought some makeup.

I did some much needed studying!

My midterms are in less than a month and I have got to focus on increasing my GPA as much as I can. Most of my classes are online this semester so it should not be too hard for me but some of my profs are notorious for making online exams extremely hard or giving us very little time to finish all questions, and I've just been studying and I watched the recordings of our lectures, and summarized them. My exams will be during Ramadan, it shouldn't be too hard as I do a lot of intermittent fasting anyways and I have fasted during my finals in the summer heat in the past. I just need to ask my doctor how to make fasting work with the new meds that I have been taking so I set up an appointment for that. I will start working on a goals list for Ramadan because I am actually really looking forward to reconnecting with my religion, I want to use this time to leave bad habits behind, pause and reflect, practice self disciple. I used to read one juz a day and I want to do another hatim, I will to do it again this Ramadan ان شاء الله.

[sir-klauz]

BLACKBEARD AND BONNET KISSED

Ok so now catch me reviewing, I HAD TO because piracy is something I actually studied deep. My first hyperfocus topic I think except for MCR!!!

Calico turned up as well and I was like oh look the ex wife is here, and then be behaved so bitchy and jealous bragging about their past I spat when it was actually pretty much true

My pirate dedication in my teen years was screaming though, knowledge etched into my brain coming from places long forgotten smacked my brain in the face! I was like why all these New Zealand accents, why are there Scottish and Irish accents but Calico didn’t have a Bristol/Somerset ish accent, nor Blackbeard (I loved his accent, I don’t mind that much but when Calicos voice sounded American, wtf). Why does Bonnet not have a British/Caribbean accent. It was only something I was like ???? A little because there were others with British accents who were British so I was like WHY. I loved all their voices though except like 2.

I really wish they would have Anne and Mary in next season with though that’s who Jim/Bonifacia Jiminez is meant to be based off. I don’t want Calico back though (he was a partner to the notorious secret lady pirate Anne! And in turn Mary was hers for awhile, though I don’t disbelieve Mary was trans as they went on to live as a man when they didn’t have to anymore).

Vico Ortiz as JIMMMMM. Holy fk. Im glad they also didn’t bring in Anne and put someone else forward as “woman hiding as a pirate thing” because there were way more than probably realised who never got caught. They portrayed this pleasantly, I appreciate the knife throw precision.

I just can’t with Bonnet, if I had a ship (which I was definitely going to build myself if I couldn’t buy one I decided at 15) I’d put all that in it and bring my monster vintage style wardrobe with me. I own clothes like his haha, and the costume changes omg yeah there’s everything in both our closets. But also Blackbeards. I am laughing so much.

Hearing the code lingo all over again as well that was used upon ships, upon capture, of for whatever other reason, was brilliant that I remembered, just. I haven’t brushed up on it in years. But now I’m like WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME WHY CAN YOU NOT LEARN A TYPICAL LANGUAGE THAT IS USED NOW BUT YOU CAN RETAIN INFORMATION OF PIRATE LANGUAGE.

[rouge-fauna]

Definitions are constantly changing, note how the definition of bro is male only yet people use it on women, the word sick is negative yet people can say "that car is sick", and friend which is defined as personal relationships yet is used on social media on strangers, gay relationship is defined as two gay men/or two gay women in love yet people will refer to bi mlm relationships or wlw relationships as gay too. This can be applied for ableism which can be used on someone that is discriminating against aspd and sociopaths and psychopaths not saying you were discriminating agianst them, just pointing out that sometimes exact definitions don't matter because english is always changing.

I mean yes? But also your examples are more so slang terms, which yea have many different situations of use in the same way the f word does. And for example in the LBGTQIA+ community there have been a lot of terms redefined, but still not everyone even agrees with that anyways. But you are correct, words are in fact complicated, important and constantly changing, which is why I write mine out, it’s why I try to check definitions before I use things or answer in regards to something I don’t get, it’s why I try to do research, it’s why I do try my best to be mindful of what I say.

Ableism, however is a word defined at the official government and protective rights level to describe a specific type of discrimination, that can be prosecuted in a court of law. It goes beyond the current slang, new words or change of word meaning. So in my mind, if people came to me first and said that what I said was offensive and out of line and I need to take a hard look at if I’m feeding in to a stigma, that’s one thing. But to take it as far to say I’m being ableist for talking about how a character might be a sociopath, especially when I myself am disabled in multiple categories and have personally dealt with direct real life ableism, makes it a pretty serious accusation in my mind. Even so, I have apologized and clarified myself. I have heard y’all’s complaints, I read your asks, I know what you are saying, I get it, maybe you’re right. Originally, I even tried to look into it and talk to my counselor, who has been academically and non-academically studying it. And I had fully intended to share what I learned and further the discussion, even be on y’all’s side on the matter. But it’s been taken too far, and I don’t care anymore. Y’all can think what you want to think, I stated my case, I’m tried to be clear, reasonable, and understanding. But I’m done talking about this. This is probably the last ask I’m going to respond to on this matter, and the only reason I did was because you came forward with a respectful perspective and I felt like it was important to address.

[dawnstudies]

First day back at school and boy has it been a weird one!

Let's start with the thing that sucks the most; from this day forward, phones cannot be used between classes, they are taken during first term and returned during the last one; if a teacher needs them during class, they have to ask for it and administer it into a system - the main problem with that is that a lot of material is given to us through Google Classroom and we can't learn from there anymore during school so we have to copy EVERYTHING or print it but printing here costs a fortune - the second problem is that the administration for the taking and receiving of phones requires written evidence both times every day, which takes a lot of time and wastes a lot of paper - Hungary number #1 shittiest education ig

But to not dwell on what cannot be changed, my class at least has something to do now; we have to plan the welcoming ceremony for the new classes, we call this a "donkey week" for the "donkeys" or the new students. They will be making different types of productions which we will rate, we'll play with them and give them points according to their performance and overall it will be (hopefully) a wonderful experience for everyone! I'm really excited!

In terms of studying, things are looking more shittier as the days pass, we're not sure when we'll be getting an actual timetable (getting a stable timetable here in Hungarian schools is actually impossible) but until then, it will be chaos; we don't even know the teachers that will be teaching us because they even changed THAT (god only knows how much drama that caused between the teachers).

So, yea. Everything is terrible, but hey! Hungary goes forward, not backwards! (if I am translating that infamous catchphrase correctly :D)

[novoplata]

Cable.

I was 24 and had just been hired as the new Web Copywriter for the Sabah Tourism Board when I first heard the term used.

"Siapa cable ko sini?" One of the tea ladies asked while I was in the pantry introducing myself at lunch.

I must've looked genuinely puzzled that they eventually explained: that most people who ended up hired were usually related to someone in higher positions or on the Board of Directors. So, whose relative was I?

I told them I went to college with the then-Web Developer, and he had forwarded the job vacancy advert to me. I applied just like everybody else, I told them.

I was then told that I was so lucky. Tiada cable pun boleh masuk STB. I later found out that the person they were going to hire was some Datuk's daughter who went to study film in San Francisco.

I told my then-boyfriend (who was a ginormous jerk) that I had felt so lucky to have landed the job over the other girl. He shrugged and said, "You're probably just prettier."

I soon learned what they meant by 'cable'. Almost everyone in the management position was related to a famous political figure. This Datuk's daughter, son, nephew, niece, in-laws, or grandchild. Most had attended private schools like Seri Insan or Maktab Nasional. I once attended a colleague's engagement party at Austral Park -- and later realised that many of them reside in Austral Park.

Man, I thought, am I the only poor person here?

I went on to spend the next decade of my career subtly trying to prove a point: I get hired simply because I am capable, not because of my connections, or lack thereof.

And then, there was the 'pretty' card. Although I wasn't well-connected (not a single Datuk or Tan Sri on my family tree), back then some had argued that I only got hired because I was prettier than the next candidate. I ended up having the biggest impostor syndrome ever, but on the brighter side, it pushed me to work harder.

I understand that life isn't fair. I still grapple with the injustice of the 'cable system' in my cable-riddled work ecosystem. However, don't give up just yet. I still believe that hard work beats cable when cable doesn't work hard (if that even makes sense!). I've been extremely lucky to have landed writing jobs and management positions without a relevant degree or connections. Hard work is all I know.

Today, as a 40-year-old unconnected lady who can only depend on her capabilities and work ethics, I'm glad I had invested in them since young. It's my third time landing in a heavily-rigged employment ecosystem and I've survived (and got confirmed today). Best of all, nobody's going to be able to say that I get anything due to connection or good looks anymore. And damn, does it feel satisfying!

Do I still want to leave? Hell yeah! And the best thing about never having had to rely of cables to get anywhere is knowing that I can thrive even without them.

[huazibae]

been looking over our pictures and videos and i can't help but think nga best foot forward ka lang sa una. very ma effort. after 1 year, wala na dayon? why? bcos i'm just your lowkey girlfriend nalang? it makes me feel like you're not in love with me anymore. we used to video call all the time, even when i'm studying, even when you're sleeping. what happened? kabalo ka gid bala love nga time lang gid kag effort ginapangayo ko simo. you don't even have to spend money. kasakit lang nga sagay ko hmbal sa imo, himuon mo lg kaisa dayon the day after kalimtan mo na dayon.

tudluan ta pa ka paano? can't you find a way? don't you love me enough to do it? bcos "pag gusto may paraan, pag ayaw maraming dahilan", right? indi time management problem sa imo, it's commitment. if you're really my boyfriend, please act like it. i know you have a life outside this relationship, i know you have you priorities and responsibilities and whatever. pero gin miga mo ko. that should mean something. i'm important, too. and i hate that kinanlan ko pa ihmbal sa imo nga ari ko di para lang madumduman mko.

as a friend, this is my advice:

1. indi ka katawag kung ara si kuya mo sa kwarto mo? then gwa. may tawo gyapon? find a fucking place then. find the time. is a 30 minute undistracted video call too much to ask?

2. when you invite me to do things with you but forget? ibutang sa notes mo, set up a reminder. kesa magtulukay lg ta mag vc, bisan 30 min nalang napangayo ko hu, make it worth it man.

3. love language: quality time. how? hagara ko maglntaw ta movie and actually finish watching it. vc while doing our own thing. play online games. set up a time maka vc ta and talk together, bisan 30 minutes lang. learn to play the games i like bcos i play with you and your friends.

4. pay attention sa mga ginahmbal ko nga gusto ko that way kabalo ka sang ihatag sakon sunod. a bracelet? really? if it isn't obvious to you yet, i'm a sentimental person. bisan bato lg ginhatag mo sakon pero ginhmbal mo nga may significant meaning na, i would've liked it more. there wasn't even an explanation as to why you gave me a bracelet. you just assumed i would like it bcos it's jewelry and i'm a girl, amu na? an example of a gift: maco had plans to give a girl a necklace with a pendant that has a picture of her and her dog. why? bcos she loves that dog and maco knows that. another example: me giving you a wallet bcos you complained yours was old & damaged and you needed a new one. i don't even need a wallet or a necklace. give me a shell and tell me it reminded you of me and i'd keep it forever. it's the THOUGHT that counts. panumduma mn ko.

5. set a time na makastoryahanay ta without any distractions. is that too much to ask? you reply slow and i notice it. bisan mag vc ta ga scroll ka. you're not giving me your 100% undivided attention and it hurts. gaka tempt ko magbalos. how? example: 10 minutes before ka nagreply, okay so ma reply ko sa 30 min after. yes hungdon ko dugayon magreply to see if magkalabot ka, pero wala. another example: ma scroll ka? oki me too. then nd ka pagsapakon sa call.

6. no conversation starters? talk ta sa gab'e and in that day, ilista sa notes mo ang mga natabo sa adlaw mo nga gusto istorya sakon. is 30 min of undistracted talk too much to ask? am i that boring that after every reply masaylo ka dayon sa lain na app until you forget to reply to me? if you're talking to someone and they keep looking at their phone, isn't that rude? indi man sakit nga indi interesado ang ginastorya mo sa imo? ubusa nalng anay tanan mo nga scrolling time kag tanan mo nag ulubrahon. i'm saying okay lang nga ipaulihit mo ko pero tani nd man ko pagkalimti. you spend too much time sa everything else, you forget about me. daw mabalos ko. gamay nalang gid nga push mabalos nako.

7. i do not feel seen. why? do you not feel the cold replies? the slightest changes? are you that oblivious or do you not just care enough? PAY ATTENTION. ask what's wrong with me. ik it's my job to communicate to you how i feel kag nd ka manogpakot, pero tani mn lg ma notice mo that not i'm not okay and care enough to ask. also, kadamo bala sakon gina send sa imo na post tapos isa lang sapakon mo? bisan react nalang tani. huhu. gaka hurt ko na daw wala mo ya gina sapak bisan amu nalang na. yes, ik it's a small thing. yes, oa ko. can you handle it or not?

8. if you care enough, ask about my cycle and also keep track of it. so you'd know when to not piss me off.

9. when you say you'll do things with me or anything related to me, ibutang sa notes mo para indi mo malimtan. example: naghmbal ka mahmbal ka na if ma post ka kpop girls, was that a one time thing lg? from the conversation we had daan abi ko many times mo himuon. MAKE IT CLEAR. yes it's a small thing but doesn't it say something nga nadumduman ko gane pero ikaw wala? CRAZY. another example: the notes i gave you, i thought you were going to open one everyday. scam? nalimtan naman? exactly what the notes/reminders are for. use it.

10. it's also crazy that you keep planning things na himuon ta maglagaw but magkitaay na ta gani mangkuton mo naman ko ano gusto ko himuon. if ginhagad mko, plan the fucking date. and make sure YOU HAVE THE TIME. kasakit paasahon. yes i still can't get over the time na ginpaasa mko. why? bcos you haven't make up for it.

11. you offered to be my "pahuway", then be one for real. when i'm with you, gusto ko ikaw na ang bahala sa akon. i want you to comfort me. i want you to be present. i want you to pay attention. i want you to care. ipabatyag man sakon nga palangga mko. anhon ko na mga i love you mo kung wala ko man gakabatyagan? just bcls you love me doesn't mean i feel it.

12. EFFORT. ATTENTION. TIME. tani wala ka nalang nag super effort sa una, para indi nako sagay reklamo subong. consistency, love. you know that's how i fell in love with you. you shouldn't have set the bar that high. subong kung ano nalang makwa ko simo, bisan bare minimum, g nlg gyapon ah. AT LEAST, diba?

13. take pictures. of me. of us. candid. posed. how? care enough to find out. check the pinterest board we share. yes, this is me asking to do the extra mile.

do i need to call you out everytime you mess up?

as your girlfriend, all i can say is that i don't want us to be over. i don't want our relationship to end. amu na grabe gid pilit ko simo magtadlong. pero even that sounds wrong, bcos if palangga mo gid ko, ngaa kinanlan dal'on ka pa sa pilit? basi indi mo lg gid ko guro amu na ka palangga para mag effort as much as you did before. ano kulang ko love man? ano gid ang wala sa akon love haw? anong sala? ngaa daw nd mo gid ko kaya palanggaon the way i needed to be loved? am i too much? sobra2 gid ginapangayo ko? nakapoy ka na sakon? nakwa mo na tanan na gusto mo sakon? natak'an ka na? indi mo na ko kaya? gusto mo nga mag break na ta? ako gid bala nagpakita sa imo kung ano ang tuod nga pagpalangga? na crush mo gid mn ko sang elementary? importante gid man ko sa imo? nahadlok ka man nga madula ko? do you really care about me? ga stay ka nalang kay naluoy ka sakon? kadamo gid pamangkot sa utok ko love. despite that, nd ko kaya bayaan ka. nd ko kaya nga ako naman mamaya. nd ko kaya nga ako una masuko. so i won't. indi tka pagbayaan. i'm staying. i'll take the risk. bisan sakit. bisan kapoy. kay palangga taka. kay palangga ta gid ka.

i'm sorry if this is too much.

[n0resistance]

Not Drinking

    I’ve been a drinker since Highschool. It started with cheap booze, there wasn’t much to do as a kid, and this is how we had fun. We drank 40’s, Baccardi, 4 l0ko, hypnotiq, Majorska. Anything cheap. Cheap and gross and as I moved to New York my taste got better. It started out gross, tolerance was super low, I always got sick; but I kept at it and kept elevating from being a promoter, to rushing a sorority, to working in hospitality and always being surrounded by alcohol. Where even though I was in school and working, I always looked forward to a good party.   

     Night clubs, dives, rooftops, brunch, dinners, drinks. When I turned 26, I started working in the bar industry from the hotel industry as a part time gig. A typical actor/ writer survival job. I started out as a bar back in West Hollywood. Partying in LA is different. I learned about mezcal, fernet, & craft cocktails. Where bartenders weren’t just bartenders but chefs. Making recipes, with fresh juices, different bitters, egg whites and people loved it. Each Bartender was a character. The lovable one, the one who knows the  history of the spirit, the perfectionist who is also an asshole. They all played their bit. 

     If you tell people that you work in a bar and mind you I had a day job with benefits too. People who’ve never done it feel bad for you. The work is really physical.    

    Especially bar-backing, I was super fit and fast. I don’t think I could do that again. But to be honest, I would work a couple days and make $500 bucks in tips and actually afford living in LA. When working at a desk, concierge, or in production just wasn’t taking care of my bills a lone. I needed supplemental income. Especially getting paid every 2 weeks, nah it wasn’t cutting it. I didn’t go to LA to be a hotel manager, which pays more but is extremely time consuming,  I went to pursue dreams and experience the west coast. Travel. Which is exactly what I did. 

   That little bar-back gig led to working at a bar in a big hotel full time in New York City when I was done with LA. 

    I loved partying, getting together with friends, I used to love going out til 6 am, and in LA we got out at midnight and would party til it closed, got to a taco truck, slept and tried to go for a hike in the morning. 

    It was all fun until the hangovers, your tolerance started increasing, and losing control where you make a million resolutions because you feel so sick the next day. Also , the embarrassment for blacking out, getting sick, and spending too much money. 

    Even being aware of this,  you know it’s a bad habit. I used to think,  if I live a really healthy life I could keep partying. I could juice, cook, work out, study theater and filmmaking, work hard to pay my bills and drink with my coworkers, friends, or whoever wants to party. It was linked to everything. 

    Film screening —> party, after a performance —> party, birthday party, holiday party, rough shift, and it became a lifestyle. Work hard party hard. The bars were beautiful and actually looked like a movie set. 

     Partying is great, partying is partially how I make a living, but partying was also ruining my  life. We all see addictions. It makes you gain weight. Cravings get intense, where alcohol is your main escape. Maybe escaping the tiring demands of your job. Family issues, relationship issues, or maybe you just like it, which I felt was my problem. 

    I’m not escaping anything I just love getting lit. Maybe you have anxiety which it gives you anxiety. But even with all that I was accomplishing. The things I set out to do were getting done, however the bad feelings I got, were because alcohol. There’s a come down. 

     I realized slowly no matter how healthy I was I couldn’t be “actually healthy” while I kept drinking. I couldn’t afford it and my body didn’t want to handle it anymore so I had a show, had a few birthdays to go to, and gave it up for 2 months cold turkey. From Nov 1st- Jan 1st. Longest I’ve gone straight. 

    2 months doesn’t seem like a lot but for a New Yorker tempted everywhere she goes; it is. You feel better, you don’t spend as much money, you do get bored. Like really bored. So bored I was binge watching 2 shows and 2 rom coms at the same time where this month I gave up watching shows. I know I  can’t just go cold turkey with no vice. 

    So I’m trying healthy things like kick boxing and drawing. I have a script to write, I should audition. Focus on yoga and being present. Reading. 

    I was in a situation a couple years ago where drinking numbed the pain I was in. After working or to feel better I would book trips. I would reward my self with a drink, food, traveling. For all the hard work I did, I deserved it.  

   Buying stuff for people to feel important, to validate my own self, that when I cut out the drinking and cut out my toxic job; I don’t have those issues anymore. I guess my issues now are just bettering myself. 

    I always did a lot of everything. I have to put out as much content as possible, make as many friends as possible, audition, have multiple jobs, and the city just gets so exhausting. 

     I even had a thought when I stopped drinking, it was my 30 day mark. I thought “wow I actually like New York City without alcohol.” Maybe it was because I wasn’t spending 300 bucks every weekend or had hangovers anymore. I enjoy the city a lot without alcohol or the pressures of being an actor. That’s another thing with drinking there’s pressure because if you don’t go out maybe you’ll lose your social life. I find myself in my 30s with someone I love and do I care about having a social life? Eh. When I need one I’ll organize something. 

    We think a lot about what we’re doing here in New York, why do we deal with so much to live here, are we fulfilling our purpose? I don’t know what I’d be doing in the suburbs probably coming here to work. So living here is just fine because it’s convenient, and if you really look, there’s plenty to do, even if you don’t drink. I love not driving and everything being at my disposal.

    Now I want to put this excess energy into creating, getting to a place I financially wana be, and growing into the person I want to be. 

    There’s always a reason to drink. Vacationing, birthdays, a Friday night, a hard days work. My problem was not being able to stop at 1 drink. So if I can’t do that I might as well not have any at all. 

    When you give something up, it just exercises your will power. You can stop and start anything but choosing to be healthy, really being healthy. Really just takes a lot of subtraction. 

     Get rid of social media, or minimize it. Get rid of tv or minimize it. Don’t drink or do drugs or minimize it. Don’t over spend or minimize it. There’s getting rid of Uber, restaurants, shopping, or just minimize it. Get rid of people. There’s so many people in my life but my priority will always be myself and my boyfriend first. Be a minimalist. 

     Eat vegetables, cook your food, sleep, exercise, journal. Maybe go to therapy. Work hard but also rest. Have good interactions with people. 

    I want to stress about important things like my health and what I want to do with my life. Not about all the rest I can’t control. All the drama you just can’t control. When I stopped drinking I finally felt self control. If I can let go of this what else can I let go of. 

    I’m drinking again. Actually had drinks with friends last night but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll take another month off maybe 3.

    So much could happen in that time. 

[helieosphere]

Kei’s yearly 2023 retrospective

cw: long, mostly positive vibes, gender stuff

Since twitlonger is dead I have to move my yearly thought wrap up to tumblr! Which tbh is better for these kinds of posts anyways.

HIIIII welcome to a post I’ve stared making since I had my first cosplay instagram (which doesn’t exist anymore-) in which I just kinda reflect on the year and look forward into the future. Basic stuff! Overall, this exercise has been a welcomed gratitude lesson and has maintained it ever since over three platforms now.

So, 2023…what was up?

I have nothing but positive things to say about the year overall for my own personal self. This was the most personal growth I’ve had in any given year for the better. I took risks, I stuck my neck out there and was rewarded. I’ve met a number of amazing people who all inspire me in some shape or form and I’ve gotten much closer to the people who’ve remained in my life. I’ve become my own person and I couldn’t of said that represents me accurately for any other year prior to this even if I tried. That being said, before going into my gratitudes, I wanna acknowledge that overall 2023 was a crappy year. Like Jesus the world is on FIRE and I’m exhausted of rehashing the same arguments OVER AND OVER again but I’ve remain steadfast and I’m glad I have the privilege to find peace in chaos rn despite what life threw at me which is probably why my takeaway is relatively good things and wanting to look forward.

Anyways…the good stuff and my thank yous!

this year was the year I fully realized my gender identity. I didn’t really feel confident in who I was as kei, this little guy who was just fucking around for so many years, aimlessly, without a goal in mind. But as I got accepted to do my own research, took some gender studies courses, I kinda realized where my heart lies and how honest I had to be with myself in order to feel at peace with my own body. Sure, I still have dysphoria and damn, I dealt with a lot of misgendering and transphobia this year. It will never be eradicated and never will be until the day I die. But this year was the best case of me willing to live my life authentically and letting myself be free despite these challenges. I’ve always had issues of people pleasing and wanting to always put my best foot forward but that led to major empathy burnout. And, although I’m not completely free of my bad habits, I’ve learned to exhaust my energy more sustainably and have loosened up. I’ve become sillier, more outgoing, more assertive, more creative—you name it. This all was possible through the support systems I’ve maintained and developed in 2023.

Firstly, my partner. What to say? Idk, I say a lot to him already and so I’ll just briefly gush. He is the shining beacon of my life. He is the most stable part that I’ve always been able to lean on for support and care. He has helped me through so much, and knowing he’s there lighting up a pathway to the safest point forward has been something that has helped me tremendously. I’m not sure words can accurately describe how much he does for me, especially considering our distance, but I’ve never met someone more patient and passionate about what he loves. He has so much care put into the things he’s willing to make the effort for and has been an all too willing victim to my crazy ideas. He is my biggest cheerleader, and I could not have become the person I am today with his unwavering love and support. He has LITERALLY dealt with the worst of me (high school) so honestly pls just give him props for that alone.

Secondly, my roommates turned NEW CONVENTION GROUP! They’ve become so very into cons and cosplaying with me it’s cute. In turn. I’ve become a K-pop Stan so idk equal trade off? They’ve taught me to be unapologetically myself and to never settle for second best. I was very nervous moving to California alone with no existing support system but they’ve taught me to love it. Besides that, we’ve just experienced a lot of new things together and throughout it, have found each other waiting at the other side wanting to do more and push each other to be the best and worst people we can possibly be. They inspire me to no end and I’m glad I’ve got this other layer of safety I feel comfortable being myself in. Thanks, y’all are the best and I can’t wait for more cons with you in the future.

Third, everyone who I had the pleasure of meeting at a con AKA new mutuals. Hi! I get really nervous to reach out to new people but I wanted to speak on how much these positive interactions with people have really carried my confidence forward. Although I just gassed myself up for being more outgoing, I still struggle to feel comfortable enough to reach out to ANYONE because of insecurities I have about reading social cues and assumptions of good will being taken advantage of. It’s something I’m working on! But geez, thanks to the cosplay community—more specifically the ffxiv community—for reigniting my love for crafting and cons in general. Im for one super happy I even made the decision to start yotsuyu and finish her for fanfest because she’s a labor of love that got me to be bold enough to GET ON A STAGE and perform a fun little skit despite my stage fright. I now know so many COOL CRAFTERS and AWESOME PEOPLE who are absolutely incredible at what they do and have been nothing but nice to me :( seriously, can’t thank y’all enough. This game has given me so many wonderful interactions that Im just full of it. I don’t really like my yotsuyu as there is SO MUCH WRONG about it’s construction that I can’t really get over also because I absolutely got in over my head but I’m grateful people seemed to love it anyways and I’ve come to both ground myself as a crafter but also know I can always improve with time and that I have gotten so much better. EXCITED TO SEE YALL NEXT FANFEST, ANOTHER CON, WHATEVER! I do hope we all can cross paths again! Special shout-out to my fanfest roommate who was willing to travel to Vegas with someone whom he’s never met before irl and have the best time with me. We really bonded and he’s the reason why i was able to unpack a lot of my insecurities and basically be the best version of myself. Seeing eorzea symphony live was life changing and it’ll be an unforgettable night in my memory for the foreseeable future. Cons were the highlight bar none and I am already painstakingly working on another cosplay rn because I wanna push myself and I’m full of inspiration beans. Cons have been a really huge beacon of light during my roughest moments (especially this year) so I do hope this good track continues to surprises me more and inspire me to do better and better with my cosplays for the foreseeable future.

Lastly, a short note for my static. Idk if I need to keep talking about then from year to year but they’re like my second family and although we’ve had a rough time this year, I still am glad I was able to meet them and stick through it. Seriously, they make me happy even if my love for savage raiding got killed because of abyssos…I might not make it another year just cause my life is dramatically changing in 2024 and time is SO SPARSE but I hope I can still make time :) weirdly the second most stable part of my life but hey, it’s cool I’m able to still say that.

Other things that touched me this year was finishing my thesis, my internship that taught me I can age beautifully as a trans person, concerts, my MOTION GRAPHICS JOB??

I honestly have a lot more to say but my hand is getting tired of typing so I’m ending it here. I hope shit is able to get so much better from here for all of us cause goddamnit we really need it. But I’m glad I could reflect on the things that kept me sane because sometimes that’s all I really need to keep on chugging along in life.

Happy 2024 y’all!