#i am screaming into the void

[naamahdarling]

Today's medical update, please pardon any weirdness as I am using speech to text, and please excuse how long this is. I put an excellent picture of Fancy at the end for you. Here we go.

The shortest version is that my GP is going to try and centralize this. I have made an appointment for Monday. We are going to start over from the very beginning. New specimens, new cultures, everything.

The long version is kind of wild ride. It's going under a cut

My GP is now telling me that on two of the occasions that I went to Urgent Care or the hospital for a UTI, the records say that I did not actually have one.

This makes no sense whatsoever. I was symptomatic and I could smell it. On both of these occasions, I was told in no uncertain terms that I did have one.

I do not believe I was lied to at either facility. That means the only possibilities are that the testing was done improperly, the results were charted improperly, the records were sent over improperly, or I didn't understand what was being said to me.

At this point, with this absolute clown show that has been unfolding around me, this ridiculous circus where each act is fraught with nonsensical antics even more baffling than the ones before, I am literally unable to come to any conclusions. This is absolutely maddening.

And it's frightening, because there is something wrong, genuinely, and it might be something that they are unable to detect with the methods they are currently using. That's scary for a multitude of reasons, one of which is that they are not going to be willing or able to treat something if they do not think it exists. The other is that it opens the door to the possibility of their being further testing, which makes me violent to even contemplate. I want what is wrong with me to be simple, easy to treat, and relatively benign.

This has been frustrating, and drawn out, and I am sick of it. By itself it isn't enough to completely break me down. It's been almost unbearable when combined with the facts that I have serious concerns about the health of three of my cats, that my father seems to be worsening in his condition, that I have several other medical storylines going concurrently with this one, one of which is extremely stressful and frightening, and that all of this fuckery and running around has caused me to have to cut out most of the very, very few enjoyable and meaningful activities that are present in my life.

It has impacted my ability to be present for my partner, and for my pets, for me to sustain communication and relationships with people who are not my boyfriend or my best friend, and to simply fucking relax.

Also I can't fuck. Like, I know that this is the laugh at horny people website, but that is significant. Receiving not just physical touch but intimate touch is one of the very few ways I have of assorting ownership over my own body at this time.

I feel my identity has shifted from an internally defined "struggling person just going about their business" to an externally defined identity as a patient with a body that is sick and who must now structure their life around the demands of a system that does not care about me in the slightest, even though the providers usually do.

From the outside I know that this doesn't seem that terrible. I've spent the vast majority of this with no pain, and the times I have been in pain haven't crested a 3. If it weren't for the fact that I don't know what it is, it would be relatively trivial!

Unfortunately, because this isn't all I have going on, it's been really fucking things up. I space my appointments out so that I have time to recover between each one. I have PTSD, I have medical trauma, I have emotional reactions after stepping into a medical facility for any reason, and when things go wrong even in a very small way they can be intense. I manage this by allowing myself to have the reaction, experience all of the feelings, and come back to myself. It is a healthy way of doing things. It doesn't work, though, if I'm having to deal with one thing after another and no time in between to recover from it. This is essentially what has been happening to me for 2 months. Appointments, phone calls, messages, fixing mistakes, having to explain my history repeatedly as it gets ever more complicated. There's a lot more to it than just one appointment a week, which is already a lot for me.

I know this is something that chronically ill people deal with all the time, often for years, often for life, but the extent of it is new to me and very difficult to bear. My personality is vanishing under the weight of all of this crap. I do not feel like myself.

So yeah, sorry for rambling so much but this is just been...I don't even have the words to describe it. Nonsensical, but in an unfortunately consequential way. I've been going in circles all this time, apparently.

I don't really expect anybody to read all of this. But if you did, thank you. It means a lot to me. This place, and all of you, function as a sort of pressure relief, and a source of constant, pleasurable entertainment. I know many of you empathize with what I'm going through, and that helps me to feel less alone. That all by itself is so important.

Anyway, here's my cat.

She got to be on the puzzle table and was very smug about it.

[honeypiecastiel]

November 5 1944 Dean Winchester travels back in time because of the god of time Kronos and has to find a way to travel back in time and Kronos says that his future is covered in thick black ooze and then on November 5 2020

[masterofthewarcry]

and if i said that adrastus was like a father to diomedes? and that he would rather carry on adrastus's legacy and rule over argos than go to war? but that because he isn't actually adrastus's son, and there's expectations that come with tydeus's legacy, he has to anyway? hm? what then?

and if i said that diomedes sees aegialia as more of an older sister than a wife? and that that was the cause of their marriage not working? hm? WHAT THEN?

AND if i said that at some point during the ten years on the beaches of troy that diomedes stops thinking of himself as a person and starts thinking of himself as the symbol that the rest of the greek army sees him as? HM? WHAT THEN?

[askinnyblackman]

remember in 2016 when trump became the frontrunner and we said to our conservative acquaintances “hey i don’t think you’re a racist but don’t you find it weird that you’re your party’s candidate was endorsed by the ku klux klan? Wouldn’t that make you question how you got here?” and they were like 🤷‍♀️

now, eight years later, I say to my liberal acquaintances “hey I know you’re not a republican but don’t you find it weird that your party’s candidate was endorsed by dick cheney, probably the most evil man alive?” and they, having completely memory-holed the bush administration, are like “orange man bad!”

so many peoples’ trump derangement syndrome is so bad they’ve lesser eviled themselves to the point of being endorsed by dick cheney!

this isn’t some marvel movie where the good guy teams up with the bad guy to defeat the worse guy. dick cheney, the ceo of halliburton who made millions off the iraq war, is endorsing kamala harris because he has something to gain from it. are you SURE you want that? a world where dick cheney, the man who orchestrated the iraq war for oil money, gets what he wants?

idk which progressives need to hear this but if you find yourself on the same side of any given political issue as dick cheney you have lost the plot entirely and you need to reexamine your values

the correct thing for harris to do would be to disavow cheney’s endorsement but ultimately they’re on the same team

[bitfruity]

i have never been so obsessed and in love with a man before in my life

like as a teenager i liked bands and thought some members were kinda cute but NOTHING has prepared me for the teenage girl in my 20’s level infatuation i have for this man

and then he had the AUDACITY to bring another one into the mix

words cannot explain the amount of gender envy tommy gives me do i want him or do i want to be him?? i look at some pictures of him and go THATS ME THATS HOW I SEE MYSELF

[starlingflight]

'Write the fic you would want to read'

Okay, but what if I'm eleven chapters in and I've just realised the fic I would want to read would actually have an extra chapter? What then??

[inafieldofstarflowers]

I tried to like the Ahsoka show, I tried really hard, and I did like some parts of it, and I can totally understand why people would enjoy it, but I was just not having a great time with the characterization throughout and this week brought all of the worst parts of that.

Just…let Sabine be a Mandalorian and not have to be a Jedi to be powerful or cool! Let Anakin be a complex character with real, enormous flaws that can exist in the same person as his good aspects! Let Hera hug her son!

[asexualannoyance]

i finished Moby Dick and i would like to say: holy fucking hell, holy shit, the coffin ended me a little bit, i won't lie

[fuckyeahalfredmolina]

Alfred Molina in Short Movies Series → (2/?)

↳Brian in Lessons in Self-Defense (2009). I CAN’T COPE AND I REFUSE TO COPE

[apersononearth011]

I’ve tried to show my mum, recently, how much I have been struggling but now she just thinks I am lazy and ungrateful. I just want her to notice and get me some fucking help

[charliesclit]

Moodboard for the glitties girlies (gn) after the result of that poll

[melsimps]

Rare picture of me craving interaction:

[dwendemound]

This is an open call pls talk to me about infinites campaign I love them sm

[thefunkyperson]

Back by a demand ðat never existed in the first plaçe, me! And now, to ʃow a brand new, one-of-a-kind, very original þing:

Have an intro gif.

I hope you like it, whoever's looking at this.

[praetorqueenreyna]

NEED NERIS IDEAS FOR ERIS WEEK

[wilcze-kudly]

Positively DEVASTATED that we didn't get to see Bolin showing Wei that he could lavabend. Because we can all agree that Wei would find that hella attractive. This is how I imagine it:

Bolin: *lavabends*

Wei: oh, that's hot

Bolin 'dumb as the rocks he bends': Well, yeah it's hot. It's lava!

Wei: yeah... of course. I was talking about the lava.