#i am so unwell about this man it's unreal

[lovecolibri]

Oh Brennan is gonna fucking SING now?! I....I cannot do this, he must be stopped!

[be-bisexual-eat-hot-chip-and-lie]

DO YOU KNOW I COULD BREAK BENEATH THE WEIGHT OF THE GOODNESS, LOVE, I STILL CARRY FOR YOU

THAT I’D WALK SO FAR JUST TO TAKE THE INJURY OF FINALLY KNOWING YOU

[borom1r]

WAILING @theshakespearetrash sent me 2 ask memes for Boromir asks (who is very much Not my OC skfhshfjjs but I will Always do character analysis I love character analysis so much. rotating him so fast in my brain. microwaving him on high)

+ not to be a kinnie on main (voice of a man who is always a kinnie on main) but I will be answering these all w/ a sort of Boromir-lives scenario in mind -w-

anyways ask meme 1 + ask meme 2

1. What memory would your OC rather just forget?

ok I feel like it’s the cop-out answer to say “his fall to the ring” but I feel like Boromir is the sort of person to.. not like stew on things but very much takes the stance of “good or bad, all my choices got me to the current moment and made me who I am.” + I feel like there’s so much tangled up in his fall completely beyond his control where that’s the only memory that he’d like. actively want to erase from his mind

2. What's something about your OC that people wouldn't expect just from looking at them?

HM. good with kids. I think unless you’d seen him with Faramir/his cousins when they were younger you wouldn’t guess (he’s a soldier and a very plain man when he’s not putting on a show for his father), but he’s just genuinely great with kids

3. What is your OC's fatal flaw? Are they aware of this flaw?

loves too much + quick to lose hope. painfully aware of this

4. When scared, does your OC fight, flee, freeze or fawn?

fight response. 100% the kind of man who gets kicked out of a haunted house for punching a scareactor even though he knew a scare was coming. Faramir and Aragorn have both almost gotten throttled bc they unintentionally snuck up on him

5. How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

OOO. When He Is Of Sound Mind, not actually very far. he was raised with the knowledge he would be giving his life to Gondor, whether he died in battle or sat on the throne as steward. add to that the act he puts on for Denethor, everything he does to protect Faramir— he’s a man born to serve. his own wants come last

6. How easily could your OC be convinced to do something that goes against their moral compass?

it would take. a DESPERATELY long time and an almost complete degradation of his mental state. Boromir arrives in Rivendell in October 3018, and the very next day is the Council, at which point he sees the ring and is IMMEDIATELY influenced by it. yet he doesn’t fully fall to it until the end of February 3019. he’d been fighting its pull for almost four whole months by the time he does anything malicious. resisting the One Ring for FOUR MONTHS. <- reasons why if I see someone call Boromir weak for falling to it I will see red.

7. What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

teehee obviously again Boromir is not my OC so I will take this as an excuse to Be A Kinnie + say, I do remember Boromir being returned to us sometime after my coronation. so that’s one way my memories differ from canon, which is sort of an answer to this prompt snfjsjfj

8. Would your OC ostensibly be able to get away with murder?

OH YEAH. I mean yeah if we’re talking like actual criminal murder and not just Slaying People On A Battlefield like. yeah 100% he would IF he was within Minas Tirith. you know Denethor would do everything in his power to cover that up lmfao

9. Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC?

YEAH YAYYYY I GET TO MAKE MORE PPL LISTEN TO CROM AND BARONESS!!!!

anyways “have you ever seen a man so strong have you ever seen a man so great when he fights time stands still and everything seems so unreal but deep inside of him this man is torn” what if I bit things about this song

+ also listening to Magnolia and Shock Me by Baroness with Aragorn/Boromir in mind makes me ill. im Unwell.

10. What's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC?

HMMMMM The Frankenstein Chronicles gave me brain worms so I might write a Frankenstein-inspired thing at some point. sth sth consequences of divine resurrection

11. What is your OC's weapon of choice? Have they ever actually used it?

RAAAAGH. AUTISM TIMEEEEE.

Boromir uses a hand-and-a-half arming sword (meaning it’s balanced for single or double-handed use, with a crossguard). it’s a really elegant sword, very simple and utilitarian. speaks to an adaptable combat style as well. but, interestingly? Boromir carries a Rohirric shield, and if you notice Rohirric swords don’t actually HAVE crossguards the way Gondorian blades do. this tracks, and was common with Roman and early Germanic swords— BECAUSE these cultures were Also relying on shields for blocking.

and an additional note, Faramir’s sword is single-handed. so we’ve got a ranger who prefers the use of a bow and hasn’t experimented much with his sword combat, and his brother who prefers a sword and carries a very versatile blade with 1) a Rohirric shield and 2) a ranger’s vambraces designed to protect his arms from a (nonexistent) bowstring. I just find Boromir’s mix of protective gear so interesting, esp if you consider he and Théodred as at LEAST friends. like Boromir carries so much of the people he cares for with him into strange lands even when he (arguably) has little need for such gear

12. Is your OC self-destructive? In what ways?

yes and no. I think, not consciously? but he absolutely values himself lower than the people he cares for. he goes to Rivendell to keep Faramir out of danger, he takes multiple arrows to the chest and keeps fighting to defend Merry and Pippin. I think if there’s a risk of someone he loves getting hurt, all self-preservation goes out the window

13. If you met your OC, would the two of you get along?

oh I would be staring at him like a predatory animal and trying to psychically convince him to lay on me in full armor

14. How does your OC want to be seen by other characters?

HGH. ok I don’t think he necessarily. does?? and this is generally a Silly Little Headcanon bc of a comment a Most Beloved Friend made abt how everyone gets their autism from their dad (real+true) + now in my head “haha Faramir got his autism from Boromir instead” BUT. like genuinely I don’t think Boromir has an actual image of himself in his head or like processes that ppl perceive him, necessarily. and particularly when his father is holding him up as this aspirational figurehead for Gondor, like… I think he’s just himself, in his head. idk how to describe it well for the neurotypical ppl in the room snfskfjs sorry. like I don’t process myself as having Traits so ppl tell me they think I’m cool or funny or they enjoy being around me and it’s always like “!!! oh!” + I think Boromir is the same way. I think Faramir could describe Boromir to him + Boromir would just be like. “huh.”

15. Does your OC have a faceclaim? If so, who?

it’s Sean Bean + it will always be Sean Bean. sorry other Boromirs you simply pale in comparison

16. What is your OC's pain tolerance like?

VERY high by necessity. he’s a soldier he’s absolutely patched up his own injuries before, at least to hold over until he could see an actual healer

17. What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise?

ahh. I wrote a very personal fic exploring self harm urges w/ Boromir, so I suppose that

18. Is your OC more cold and detached or up close and personal?

very personable, when he’s of sound mind sndnsj

19. How does your OC behave when enraged?

oh he’s a silent anger type for sure. just seethes quietly. hello, consequences of spending time in an environment where you have no actual outlet for your anger + must simply sit there and Stew.

20. Does your OC have a tendency to get jealous? If so, how does this manifest?

again, When He’s Of Sound Mind, no. the man’s got a big heart and life’s too short to be petty

21. Does your OC have any illnesses or disorders? How do they handle it?

hitting him with the autism beam bc I can. I do also think he’s lost at least partial use of his arm in a Boromir Lives scenario, considering where the first arrow struck him

22. What character alignment would you consider your OC to be?

HMMM neutral good. he’s not chaotic enough to be.. chaotic (lol), and I think he’s too willing to go against Gondorian Popular Opinion to be lawful.

23. What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

HMMMMM pain, actually. or “weakness.” I think if he can quantify it in his head as “showing weakness” then it’s getting stuffed in a mental box and Not Addressed

24. What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?

ok well. None. I think with his circumstances he had zero choice in his path. HOWEVER. I am deeply DEEPLY fond of Boromir learning how to play an instrument after the war ends. I STILL struggle to blow my wassail horn that shit takes SKILL that I do not currently have and Boromir was the BEST at blowing his horn?????? I think he deserves to learn how to play an instrument, esp bc Aragorn, Merry and Pippin would ALL be delighted to have Boromir play while they sing. Boromir learning hobbit folk songs????? Rohirric songs, to honor Théodred?? yeagh.

25. What is your favorite thing about your OC?

HES SO. FUNDAMENTALLY LOVING. love is such a core aspect of his character he is so wholly loving that the ring has NO CHOICE but to try to twist that love. bc it’s all Boromir has. love. im going to throw up abt him.

AAAAAAAAAND:

alone: How does your OC deal with loneliness? Have they ever been completely alone before? How do they act when there's no one around to see them?

has he ever BEEN completely alone? mm, no. has he ever felt that isolated? I think absolutely, by the time the fellowship leaves Caras Galadhon. obviously he doesn’t deal with it well el oh el.

as for how he acts when no one’s around to see him… I don’t think much changes, tbh. he’s not the kind of man to Perform for anyone except his father, and then with the express purpose of placating the man and keeping his ire towards Faramir to a minimum

betrayal: Has your OC ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust? Has your OC ever betrayed someone who trusted them?

been betrayed? hm. truthfully, no, though I’m certain he felt betrayed by Aragorn’s reluctance to be anything resembling a king.

has He betrayed someone? Technically Yes, though again, if we apply the qualifier of “When He’s Of Sound Mind” the answer is no. his betrayal comes under the influence of a Malicious Magical Artifact Which Has Been Fucking With His Mind For Months, so.

bound: Has your OC ever been imprisoned or captured? What happened? How did they get out? Did the experience leave any scars?

ooo, hm. I think not, actually, though it is a fun little idea for angst

break: What would cause your OC to break down completely? What do they look like when that happens? Has anyone ever seen them at their lowest?

gestures wildly at canon. I mean that’s his lowest. we’ve all seen it.

desire: What's one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?

again, canon— to see his people safe. he’s very open with that desire, lol

failure: What's your OC's greatest failure? Have they been able to move past it? Does anyone else know about it?

AH. canon again. though what he does to move past it… mm. quite a lot of atonement, I think. perhaps of the self-destructive, working-himself-too-hard variety. I do think speaking with Faramir about *his* experience with the ring would help, because Boromir is the first to hold Faramir up as this sort of paragon of Goodness. so I think to know *Faramir* was tempted would help him better ground his experiences as, like…. Not A Deep Moral Failure Exclusive To Himself

fear: What is your OC's greatest fear? What do they do when confronted with it? Are they open with their fear, or do they hide it away?

ehehe. this is one thing I’ve touched on in a Faramir-centric fic, but the idea that the ring showed Boromir visions of Faramir dying at Denethor’s hand should he fail to return with the ring.

had Boromir lived to discover Denethor had nearly burned Faramir alive…… Mmmm. mmmmmmmm.

future: What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility?

worst possible? if he’d actually managed to claim the ring. I shan’t elaborate -_-

ghost: Who or what haunts your OC? What happened? How do they live with their ghosts?

MM. his own actions. dead friends, dead loved ones. though if you mean literally, haunts him, I do like to think that Théodred’s Oðr pays Boromir a visit every now and again

guilt: What is your OC guilty about? How do they handle their guilt? Do they try to avoid guilt, or do they accept it?

see above. handles it?? mm. atonement, again. direct action. he accepts it and does what he can to make it right

hate: What does your OC hate? Why? How do they act towards the object of their hatred?

HATE? Orcs, probably. Sauron. that tentacle motherfucker outside Moria. he’s not a hateful man, so. shrugs.

heartbreak: Have they ever had a relationship that ended badly? Experienced some other kind of heartbreak? What happened?

that ended badly in the interpersonal sense? mm, unlikely. more ended badly in the “somebody fucking died” sense.

I do think he had One (1) fledgling romance in Dol Amroth that ended with the other squire dying and that was sort of the catalyst for “ah. If I love people they’ll Probably Die, so maybe I won’t do that” baggage that he didn’t really unpack until, I think, Théodred. add the additional layers of Denethor Being Denethor and Boromir having such great standards to live up to…. with all the love in my heart, that relationship only happened bc Théodred saw Boromir, went “I need to fuck that Gondorian so bad it makes me look stupid” and proceeded to work his way through 1700 layers of gondorian mental bullshit just so he could suck some dick (me too bestie)

hide: What does your OC hide? Why do they hide it?

hm. my first instinct is to say “not much” but ultimately I think he’d hide anything he can quantify as “weakness.” his own distress, any physical pain if he needs to be up and moving, etc. he’s only able to share that earnest moment with Aragorn in Caras Galadhon bc of Galadriel’s influence. he’s not used to being seen. so, if there is sth that would hold him back from fulfilling his duty as a soldier it is absolutely getting hidden/ignored.

hunt: Who or what is your OC hunted by? A person, a feeling, a past mistake? Is your OC able to let their guard down, or are they constantly alert?

hm. not necessarily Hunted, but I do think he is followed by Denethor’s expectations. it’s sth I’ve talked abt in another ask + that I go into in the costuming doc but such a key element of Denethor’s design is his son’s motifs but Richer, Grander. so… I do think Boromir is constantly alert of, like, how his father will perceive him, bc there is this very insidious sort of competition, this need for Denethor to show his sons up (whether a conscious need or not). and I do think that would weigh on Boromir quite heavily

mask: Does your OC wear a mask, literally or figuratively? What goes on beneath it? Is there anyone in their life who gets to see who they are under the mask?

mm again I think he only really wears a mask/performs for Denethor. anyone else would be too much effort for too little reward. at least if he plays Golden Son for his father, it keeps Faramir from being harassed as much

however, as for who gets to see him when he’s.. not just unmasked but actually RELAXED… Faramir, his uncle and cousins, Théodred, Aragorn, the others in the fellowship but particularly Merry and Pippin

midnight: What keeps your OC up at night? Do they have nightmares? Fears? Anxieties? What do they do in the small hours of the morning when they should be sleeping?

does he have nightmares? oh definitely. what he does in the small hours of the night? depends. if he’s on campaign/traveling/otherwise away from Minas Tirith he will either lay there in his bedroll and Think (bad) or get up and write letters. depends entirely on where he’s stationed/who he’s with. if he Is at home in Minas Tirith, I expect he just goes for a walk + looks at the sky

mistake: What's the worst mistake your OC ever made? What led to them making it? Have they been able to fix it? How have they moved on?

I think I’ve pretty much answered all of this above, so skfjsjdh

monster: Is your OC monstrous in any way? Is there something that makes them monstrous? Are they aware of their own monstrosity? Do they accept it or reject it?

nah, he’s not ❤️‍🩹

nightmare: What does your OC have nightmares about? How do they deal with their nightmares? Do they tell people, or keep it to themself?

answered w midnight for the most part— I’ll just add that no, he wouldn’t really talk about his nightmares. that requires showing vulnerability lol. I think Théodred and Aragorn are the only two who could coax him into speaking about his nightmares/fears (he wouldn’t want to burden Faramir with such nonsense)

pain: What's the worst pain your OC has ever felt? Do they have a high pain tolerance?

answered sorta (yes he has a high pain tolerance) but worst pain? gonna go with three orc arrows to the chest

secret: What's one secret your OC never wants anyone to know about them?

HMMMM again I don’t think there are many secrets. I do think if Denethor found out he liked men it would be disastrous

skin: How comfortable is your OC in their skin? Do they grapple with anything that lives inside them—a beast, a curse, a failure, a monster? How do they face the smallest, weakest, most horrible version of themself? Are they able to acknowledge it at all?

hm. I think he’s generally at ease with himself, or at least content with Not Thinking About These Things. I think, had he directly survived the arrows, he would have to grapple with like. the idea that he did prove Aragorn’s fears about men correct (whether Aragorn would agree with him or not)

torture: Has your OC ever been tortured? Would your OC ever torture someone else?

Four Months Of Slow Mental Degradation Due To An Accursed Magical Artifact!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉

(no he wouldn’t torture anyone else)

wound: How does your OC handle being wounded? Are their wounds mostly physical? Mental? Emotional? What's the worst wound your OC has ever experienced?

hm. He would say mostly physical wounds. I’d argue a mix of both. he’ll accept as much care as he needs to stay on his feet and fighting. worst wound is definitely still arrows lol

[joocomics]

just watched Seungmin + Jungsu live (my biases omg 😭😭) and I am so unwell for them both it’s unreal. It’s 1 am and I’m thinking the thoughts…

I have a few so bear with me…. cuckholding Jungsu !! him having a fantasy of watching another man fuck you and of course what better man than Seungmin? so there he sits in a chair in the corner of your shared bedroom, watching another man fuck you from behind; your eyes are on Jungsu of course, pleading and watery. Jungsu is just clutching the armrests, resisting the urge to touch himself to the sight, biting his inner cheek and lip till it draws blood <//3 (but of course he’ll show Seungmin how it’s really done)

also! both boys crushing on you hard but you can’t seem to pick </3 they’re both so pretty and perfect and sweet to you. it’s too hard. so they both decide what better way for you to decide than having them both fuck your brains out <3? Taking turns putting you in any position they want, against the wall, at the edge of the bed, on the desk table… all the while fighting for your answer. doing everything in their power to get your love first. eventually they both are too impatient to wait their turn, opting instead to lean you against both of them and have their way with you, touching each part of your body while all you can do is mumble their names in a whine!!!!!

and lastly :3 roommate Seungmin who has the fattest most obvious crush on you + he’s a bit of a pervvvvvvvv. stealing your panties, catching glances of your cleavage or the shape of your ass each time you walk!!! but most importantly listening to you and your boyfriend Jungsu fuck whenever he’s over. hearing the bed creek and your little gasps and moans; wondering if he would be able to fuck you better— draw out sounds he hasn’t heard yet. but all he can do it palm his cock pathetically while he listens to you and Jungsu through the thin walls <//3

IM SO UNWELL FOR THEM SO SORRY FOR JUST BOMBARDING YOU WITH THOUGHTS. ANSWER WHENEVER U FEEL <3 Also I hope you’re doing well <3 make sure you’re drinking water and taking care of yourself pls

this is making me CRAZY… in the best way possible 🥲 dee, don’t ever worry that you’re bombarding me w/ thoughts i always have the best time reading them, your 🧠 is just so beautiful 🤌🏼 take care as well, lovely <33 when i receive more than one thought at once i love combining them together and this is what imma do again let me lose my mind completely

i’m imagining bf!jungsu who has such a high sex drive, but how can he not when he’s dating the most gorgeous and hot girl he’s ever laid his eyes on? he’s constantly being touchy with you no matter where you are, showing everyone who you belong to; marking his territory if you will. if another man is staring at you at a party he always finds out, and locks lips with yours, kissing you until you’re out of breath. he’s utterly madly in love with you, and since he knows the effects you can have on people it doesn’t take him long to catch on to the feelings your roommate!seungmin has about you. every time he comes over to the apartment you share with him he notices the way he shamelessly eye fucks you; the way his smile sits different on his face in comparison to the way it does when he talks to other girls at parties. he wants you. so jungsu always makes sure he gives you the most intense orgasms, one after another, that have you crying out loud while seungmin has no other choice but to listen from the other room. he overstimulates you to the point you cannot mutter anything else except his name, but after a while jungsu cannot help but wonder what would seungmin’s name sound like from your lips; what would it be if your roommate gets a chance to have his way with you after all. he found your panties in his bedroom once, so he must be really desperate to feel you… while seungmin jerks off to you and your boyfriend fucking almost every night, you’re totally oblivious of the new fantasy that’s been forming in jungsu’s mind - to watch you spread out for another guy. he says he won’t intervene, but the moment you cum from seungmin’s cock he forgets his words and flips you over. he has to remind you how much better your boyfriend feels like ~

[mrsnancywheeler]

this isnt a request but like a kinda vent

i love finnick odair so much the brainrot is unreal i am physically unwell i made a 4 hour playlist that i listen to daily im going to throw up none of my friends are into thg and i cant find communities where i can put my love for finnick out its basically pouring out of me like do u feel me like i daydream about this man so much its unhealthy like i feel such a connection here and reading the lakes made this brainrot even deeper and im not complaining but boy is it depressing when u realize hes fictional and yk that finding a man like him irl so ... unlikely that i considered diving into the shifting community IM GOING INSANE ?? i swear im not insane im ripping my hair out

i need a tight tight hug from him so badly

thanks for listening! take care xx

-🧸anon

I literally feel you, I'm a hyperfixated girlie so I think about him all the time too. but I find writing to be a very therapeutic, healthy way to deal with it. like it takes my energy and brain power to cohesively write through my thoughts, obviously that's not gonna work for everyone, but for me it's been really helpful. I also just got really lucky in the people I hang out with knowing thg and liking Finnick, even if it's not the same level.

but girlie I feel you, I tried shifting for a while too, which never worked for me. but I think about him all the time, need him in my life and it sucks to think that'll never happen. also, I think it can be helpful, since the way we all perceive Finnick is so loving and caring, if you can think about him and it helps you take care of yourself then that's a good thing too. idk life is hard when you get hyperfixated onto fictional men, but we would hug you so tight and remind you to take care of yourself which is honestly a need to think about.

ofc pookie, love you 💋💋💋

[hyunjinspark]

first of all, tysm jade for blessing us with 40k of your beautiful writing, u deserve all the forehead kisses 🫶🏼🫶🏼 also reading this whilst listening to the playlist >>>

3racha are absolute sweethearts i adore them !!!! it’s so interesting seeing a glimpse of hyunjin’s life in seoul, even if it’s not under the best circumstances

“you’re a lot of things hyunjin but i know you’re not selfish” every word that comes out of this man’s mouth make me wanna punch him more. honestly fuck him. can’t begin to imagine how difficult it was for hyunjin to even consider going home, given the love he has for the others + the group’s rising fame. knowing the emotional toll ect makes it so much more heartbreaking when he said he feels like the most selfish person in the world

“i didn’t come here to make people fall in love with me” “i assume that’s quite impossible” okay but did he lie ? “you didn’t let anything happen in seoul maybe it’s time you did in daejon” HAN JISUNG HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I LOVE YOU

“the purple cans had now been lined up before the blue, blending so seamlessly and so beautifully” “whoever did this had an eye for detail and beauty, two of hyunjin’s favourite things” i can’t remember who exactly, but someone said yn’s soulmate would probably spend their time rearranging paint with her. this section is so cute bc it really does show how similar they are + i’m literally giggling and kicking my feet that the purple paint, something that no one else gave a shit about, was one of their first ‘bonding’ moments. idk but after seeing their relationship develop/seeing how many things they have in common, it just makes me so happy reading about the purple paint through hyunjin’s pov and knowing that it meant a lot to him too 🥹

“…someone might know him. right now he wondered if you did” HWANG HYUNJIN RIGHT NOW THE ONLY THING IM WONDERING IS IF YOU REMEMBER HER FROM THAT SUMMER

“maybe hyunjin would make a point to only show for art on the days that you were there” i’m clawing at the walls as we speak 😭 glad to know he was smitten from day one

“one day hyunjin could convince himself that it was the watercolours he really went back for instead of you” YOURE TELLING ME THEY BOTH FELL THIS HARD ON DAY ONE ??? IM ACTUALLY UNWELL WTF WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS ???? if i find out that hyunjin actually remembers her from that summer there’s no way i will survive. like,,,.. that would legitimately be the end of me

“hyunjin turned away immediately not wanting to see a potential kiss” jade i’m not even a quarter through but the number of times i’ve had to physically move away from the screen so i can keep intact whatever shred of sanity i have left is unreal. and i’m not even exaggerating bc how am i meant to live my life knowing that they both had the same reaction at the thought of the other person kissing someone else ? yn walking out with the watercolours and hyunjin overthinking if he should offer to walk her home, they’re the definition of soulmates 🥲

“lover. it sparkled every time the light reflected off it, and it was so transient. with every little movement hyunjin made, the word would disappear and reappear” pls have some respect for my sanity 😐 TAYLOR WROTE LOVER FOR THEM !!! it’s true she told me herself, taking this as a sign that they’ll always be this close forever and ever 🙏🏽✨💫

“you wish hyunjin could let himself love you. but some wishes were impossible” i see that during the time you’ve been away, you’ve perfected the angst so it crushes your soul…..,,.

“took up all the space in your hands just like he did in your heart” this is fine :) i am completely normal about this :))) i think i need to stop commenting on every line that makes me want to eat glass, both for the sake of my mental health and also bc otherwise i’ll be here all night 😭

“no farewell kisses i might throw up” “you were eyefucking each other while you ate the cherry slushie so you’ve ruined slushies for me forever” lee minho is a menace to society and i love him for that

“hyunjin had been holding it the rest of the evening which meant it would smell like him, and maybe you should keep it in your bed for that reason” I- MY GIRL IS INSANE BUT ALSO,,,,, UNDERSTANDABLE AJDHSJKSK

“why would hyunjin ever choose to stay with you? everyone was stopping you from being with him at this point and maybe you shouldn’t fight it” i need yn to get that internship and move to the city with hyunjin, she deserves a BREAK !

“you still didn’t know what love was and you’d never experienced it like that but this was obviously it. how could it not be” 🥲🥲 AND WHEN SHE DRAWS SOMETHING RELATED TO LOVE BC SHE NOW KNOWS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE 😭

i’m not even going to mention the mirror selfie….. but also like,,,.. thank u for that image. thinking many thoughts 🫠

“you can be grateful for something and still call it out for its bullshit” LOUDER YN ❗️❗️

“want me to send it to you” HWANG HYUNJIN IS A MENACE

“you say goodbye to all your friends like that” “no just you” wow i’ve missed hyunyn calling me single in every language 😍

YEONJUN !!!!! CHOI YEONJUN I WOULD MOVE MOUNTAINS FOR U JUST SAY THE WORD !! i’m so scared for the confrontation between him and hana, yeonjun my love you deserve the world

“he wouldn’t risk all of the important things in life just for someone like me” OMG YN YOURE IMPORTANT TO HIM TOO 😭😭 PLS GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD THAT MAN WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR U

every chapter i think to myself there’s no way i can hate hana more but every time she proves me wrong 😐 girl acting like they were engaged when in reality she asked him out mainly to get over yeonjun…. PLS GIVE MY GIRL YN A BREAK 😭 that scene was so tense and well written. even though yn hates confrontation, you could feel all the things she’s been stifling for so long slowly start reaching its breaking point. i’m anticipating the day she says fuck it and goes off on hana

“when you’re hurt i literally cannot function” why would you write this i have problems at home 😐

“you’re staring at me” “you look like you belong in that painting” 🤭🥰🫠

“you weren’t sure about drowning in moonlight but you definitely were drowning in him” you have no idea how much i’ve missed your incredible writing 😭😭💗

“i changed you tangibly even if only temporarily” jade this entire section is so beautiful and thought provoking. i need to find a way to inject the words into my bloodstream

“you dragged his fingers up your thighs” ALFBAKJDNELSJDK THE SCREECH I LET OUT WAS NOT HUMAN YN IS BOLD

“i think the way that you think is beautiful” “i think the same about you” and i think the same about YOU. your writing is just so comforting and beautiful and it feels like a warm hug. sometimes i’m still thinking about a certain sentence you wrote even days later bc it changed the way i think about something. not even exaggerating but you truly have a gift, thank you for sharing it with us ❤️

“it makes your chest wrench and gut hurt but you still like it” me when i read slwy

“if someone goes through your sketchbook it’s almost like picking a the parts of your brain…” see this is exactly what i meant !! this paragraph is going to live rent free in my mind for the next two weeks

“i’ve already done every everything on here” “you’re right but you haven’t done it with me” i’m convinced this man stepped straight out of a romance novel there’s no way someone can be this perfect

HE CALLED HER BABY 🤭🤭

ahhhh okay the purple motif makes me so happy for some reason !! the paint, the balloons, hyunjin’s scrunchie and now yn’s blanket !! it’s so cute 🥰

“i could never be tired of you or anything that you do” dude where’s the love of my life 😔

“what do i have to do? just sit and look pretty” “you wouldn’t have to try too hard” STOP HOW ARE THEY SO ADORABLE 🥹

hwang hyunjin you are literally the sweetest person in the world how can a person be this perfect HE HAS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MAKE HER HAPPY NO ONE FUCKING TOUCH ME IM SO UPSET RN 😭😭 “making you happy is what makes me the happiest” “you’ll be the main thing on it” i’m this 🤏 close to launching myself into the sun

“i’m sorry that you have to eventually fall in love with someone else because i can never be yours” this entire chapter is just me switching between smiling so wide and then holding back tears two lines later

“you were the worse friend in the world to hana” yn my love you got it the wrong way round. manifesting yn going off on hana and yongbok for treating her like their doormat 🔮✨💫🙏🏽

…….. i want you to know that phone sex scene was the hottest thing i’ve ever read and that you’re officially invited to my funeral

nooo yeonjun my poor baby 😭 hana doesn’t deserve him AT ALL also lix being vvvv cryptic wonder what he has to say 👀 but if it’s anything like the conversation between her and hana, best believe i’ll find a way to transport myself to daejon. defending yn in your asks isn’t enough i need a gun

JADE ILY BUT WHAT WAS THAT CLIFFHANGER ????? HYUNJIN GOING BACK TO SEOUL ❔😭💔

ahhh okay this took wayyy longer to read than expected but i’m not complaining i’ve missed slwy so much 😭 thank you for yet another masterpiece !!! this is my favourite chapter so far (but this will likely change when u outdo yourself with the next update ofc) the little loopholes hyunyn find are so cute but also heartbreaking 🥲 i’m vvv excited for them doing activities from the bucket list it’s so cute hyunjin is so endearing 😭💗 but anyway thank you again for another beautiful chapter ily 💗✨

- 🎐

hi my love. i look forward to your reviews and thoughts so much. you always make me laugh and i love seeing you quote your favorite bits. its so satisfying to see you do that, so thank you again for providing me with this 🥺

ill answer under the cut, since its pretty long already ~

im so glad you like the glimpse of hyun’s life, before we go full frontal into his world i wanted yo incorporate parts of it while hes still in daejon, so we see where hes coming from. the context of this scene definitely puts the whole selfish statement into a new perspective 😖

it was yeonjun who said that to yn! he definitely knew what he was talking about ! soulmate behaviour fr fr.

the parallel/ of turning away before hyun can see a kiss/ making you lose your mind has me giggling.

taylor did write it for them, thank you for informing me so glad i know. the ost of slwy. 😚

SHE MAY INDEED draw something about love,,, im so taken aback that you remember all the little details from previous chapters, you make me so proud hahah.

the mirror selfie i would say is very 🤳 similar to this one picture, just a different outfit ^^

and please do inject that pool section into your bloodstream, its one of my favorite conversations to write as well ;-; the fact that you think about parts of my story well after the chapter has me screaming. thank you for appreciating it so much.

all of your little reactions make me laugh so much. i love how destructive you are please like its concerning and endearing in the best way 😅

please stay excited ! i cant wait to share the next part with you.

[flovverworks]

sunflower etude ch5-10...;_;

Faust: It’s my fault that she turned into a cursed mana stone. If anything happens, please protect the children. If I am taken by the curse, take the children with you and run. Figaro should turn me to stone.

unreal things to say pt918723

Nero: .......... Haha.... Guess I can never win. Faust: What? Nero: So you’re also the type of guy who pushes his limits at the risk of his own life, huh. Man, I keep drawing the short straw.

UNWELL

scratching my head at faust & figaros convo. figaro thinks faust was the one who left him.......'you can rely on me' i also would have been pissed off faust LOLLLLLL 'i wont abandon u' FIGARRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (with the intention of violence) oh the first time figaro changes to a more serious expression rather than a smile in that convo is when he tells faust to trust him,,,,

Faust: Do I look unfortunate now?

PART TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.....oh im gonna be ill actually. 'do i need you if im unfortunate?' oh this. oh i. ? uargh. figaro.........part two figaro......i forgot this convo happened too... 10/10 conversation. exellent. can not explain my feelings on it further

I recall Lennox’s words. "I think the current Sir Faust would be better off with a role of some kind." At times, we can be crushed by the weight of our duties. But perhaps there are people who become their true selves only by taking on a role. Watching the Faust before my eyes makes me think that.

akira initially hesitating toward agreeing with lenos words to thinking this way..T_T rly glad... faust is ssoooooo cool in these parts, i lov leader faust........

Nero drops a handful of still-warm sunflower seeds into my hands. I carry my palm to my face and stuff my cheeks with the seeds. Nero laughs teasingly at the crisp sounds I make as I bite away. Nero: Ahaha. You’re like a squirrel.

THIS IS UNFAAAAAIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Rutile: Mitile, are you hungry? Do you want some of mine? Lennox: You can have mine too...... Akira: And mine....... Mitile: Th-that’s not it!

STTOOPPPPPP LOLLLLL mitile & the ppl happily giving away their food for his sake.... rly like mitile & shinos relation....(but also mitile holding a lil grudge about how shino said mean stuff about southern wizards vs shino who did Not care further LOLLL) + the voiced line for mitile saying 'i dont have parents either' sounds ssooo defiant im so fond of that voice direction. nero & lennox saying they lived a safe life but also both of them saying the other doesnt look like they have..ohhh i need more of these two interacting yesterday......

Figaro: I’m always serious. But my wish will never come true, so I pretend I’m joking around. Faust: For what purpose? Figaro: Because I don’t want to get hurt. It’s the same reason I left your side.

head in hands. no comment.

actually this entire convo...........??? ill probably return to it later cuz what the hell.............anyway the way faust continuously has angry voice lines when talking to figaro. i get it. the end part of this ch is...@_@ figaro.........................................guy whos teachers are snow & white who have e/o...................

uu the eastern wizards;-; 'lets work together, even though we're people who can't be together'........

LENNOX CALLS AKIRA BY NAME IN THIS EVENT? <-FORGOT

Before I know it, tears have begun to flow from my eyes.

;-; akira....... also the repetition of hearing a womans laugh throughout the sentences is so good..........bianca.................(started ch10) BIANCAAAAAAAAAAA oh this event is so good...........faust hugging the sunflower.........bianca......its soooo beautifully written. its such a strong early event, like its truly 'this is mhyk' to me.....sets the mood & themes of what to expect of future events so greatly.

Akira: ....Yes, I think I have it. Um.... Will something scary happen if I mess up....? I ask, timidly. Faust laughs in the rain. Faust: I am a curseworker. If that ever happens, I’ll help you out.

the way fausts voiceline is voiced..T_T the lil laugh...

me thinking i only teared up this time:) didnt cry:) bam bianca is voiced. I CANT DO THIS..............TEARS....

Faust sees the stole around my neck and pauses mid-sentence. He smiles without saying a word, then reaches out towards me and adjusts the stole.

EMERGENCY MEETING. COLLAPSING. ough his following voice line is soooo soft too............

anyway. thumbs up emoji. reread was excellent. etudes being voiced is 15/10. had a lovely time with it, lots of great voice lines in there (nero was consistently a favorite). very well worth the time. i truly do love this event with all of my heart. i dont have a lot of further thoughts about it, its just. rly rly good. love how they have the characters interact

[sodone-withlife]

i’ve decided to record my incoherent thoughts and reactions as i listen through the full album

9:06 PM PST: both airpods in, now starting unreal unearth

1. de selby pt 1: chills already helpppp I AM UNWELL

2. de selby pt 2: yaassss we love the transition

3. first time: the chorussskwjdjsjbdhs and how it changes through the song alsjjsbab

4. francesca: yes ofc here is the one that absolutely destroys me every time i hear it (sobs into pillow)

5. i, carrion (icarian): oh god it’s so soft and devoted and passionate help—

6. eat your young: yes this is a bop we love cannibalism eat the rich (the ending is MAJESTIC)

7. damage gets done: (pre thought - i’m excited for brandi carlile) YES I LOVE THIS PAIRING AND I LOVE THIS SONG the instrumentals are amazingggg

8. who we are: the chorus is once again killing me help help help and the vocals holy shit

9. son of nyx: a hozier instrumental we have been blessed I HAVE ASCENDED OH MY GOD

10. all things end: the end always gives me chills i love it

11. to someone from a warm climate: ooh that’s kinda haunting i like it

12. butchered tongue: holy shit. fuck. fuck. fuck. ,,, fuck.

13. anything but: well that’s quite a change from butchered tongue lol but i’m into it the beat and the instrumentals are fun

14. abstract (psychopomp): something about this is so achingly tender <3

15. unknown/nth: yep about to be torn to pieces again (DO YOU KNOW I COULD BREAK BENEATH THE WEIGHT—)

16. first light: vocals already holy shit this is ethereal,,, this man’s vocal range is inSANE

10:08 PM PST: finished the album and I Am Unwell

[ariyadaivaris]

- christ i hate smug mma dudes more than anything on this earth. you're a man doing mma what do you have to be excited about? washing out of ufc and having to resort to a dying professional wrestling company? the systematic oppression of women? the paul brothers? i'm putting nails in your shoes

- the rare and coveted tshirt ariya. phwew he's really uh. he's very. twirls hair. he's kinda

- ariya using a rose metaphor for himself teehee i love being very smart and always right about everything

- "i guess you don't think tony can do it on his own aye" is soooooo so so far from anything that has ever happened between tony and ariya that it's LAUGHABLE. ariya deserves to laugh in his face. cringe and fail broadway-musical-rock-of-ages-male-lead-understudy looking little man. no i'm gonna argue with the kayfabe enemy actually the WHOLE THING up to this point has been ariya trying to prove himself and the subtle tension of tony becoming champion where ariya never has, the only the ONLY time ariya has ever not believed in tony is when he had a full on spiral breakdown towards the beginning of the year when they were questioning splitting them up again for some fucking reason and then it got retconned because DUHHHHHH why would you ever split tony and ariya up just for fun or a giggle when they;ve got the most complex relationship on 205 if you re*you walk away knowing all of this already because you have heard this every week for the last three years but you can still hear me talking in the distance, talking and talking though no one is there...*

- obsessed with this promo actually...ariya's mannerisms are so good he's SO...FUN. i LOVE watching him. he is so self-assured and so charming and there is so obviously so much frustration buried like, an INCH deep beneath all of it. it takes grey pushing him ONCE for him to lose his verve. im SO interested in this

- the thread here is, of course, "you think tony can't do it on his own?" which, as i've stated, is so far from true or what ariya thinks that it's comic. when ariya spits, "of COURSE tony nese can do it on his own", there are a lot of factors at play. when he concedes that maybe instead of going out there, he WILL stay backstage, there's a lot going on there!!! there IS!!! *voice of an unwell person* there IS a lot going on   - tony doesn't need to prove he can do it on his own, because he already has. ariya's storyline...like i mentioned, he had a weird moment at the beginning of the year, when it seemed like maybe he and tony were going to be split up. that was very much a moment of "okay the writing might change so it's time to set something up" of course but i think it's interesting to think about as a character impulse.   ariya is working to prove he can do things on his own. this has BEEN his thing. he and tony are a team again, but ariya's tried to win with other teams and he's tried to win alone, and though he's successful more often than 205 would have you believe, he's still very shaky. tony has been allowed to work outside of the orbit of other people, and ariya hasn't gotten that chance as much. and, besides that, tony doesn't CARE about it in the same way ariya does. tony...when he gets intense, it's about interpersonal stuff. drew, buddy, cedric, akira, swerve. tony competes with people! ariya competes with himself. does that make sense. i know what i mean. its fine   ariya...is on edge. he likes tony and he likes working with tony, but he hasn't been a competitor like tony is. tony's been very accomodating, stepping back or supporting ariya's feuds and allowing him to do What He Needs To Do, which means ariya can try to work alone without going completely rogue and sabotaging shit. when he tried to cut himself off from tony, it was...well it was retconned. but. that's what he's done before and this time it didn't work because ONE it's just tony and ariya, there's no exacerbating force, and TWO, tony and ariya are, after all, friends. tony wants to be friends with ariya and it is hard work to be friends with ariya but he will do it. so they work it out. and ariya is left feeling very very weird about it, and very very aware of how much he kind of depends on tony, when tony doesn't depend on him, at all. ariya tries to protect tony and gas him up and keep an eye on him to make up for All That He's Done Before and to feel like this friendship is two-sided (which it is, of course, friendship is more than a strategic advantage but that's how ariya's always approached it and it's a hard habit to break), but he doesn't have the wins to back up the feeling of being Worth It as a friend.   it's...i feel like i just sound out of my gourd saying all of this lol and i am. but when ariya bitterly says, "of course tony nese can do it on his own." it's not just the anger at grey being a dickhead towards tony. it's also ariya being painfully aware that tony can do it without ariya's help. there's a threat in that statement, that question that doesn't need to be asked. there's an irony to it. its...think about it this way: if tony was talking to grey about watching ariya's match, grey wouldn't snark about if tony thought ariya could do it. you know?

- that doesnt make sense. whatever <3 im free

- wow love seeing kushida defending the title. imagine if that happened.....on.......205 live

- ariya literally getting successfully talked out of watching tony's match because he wants to show he believes in tony :( i'm hurt...i'm so hurt. so fucked up and twisted. by GREY too, ariya has kind of a BIT with grey huh. him cheating to pin ariya and then going noooo cheating is wrong against all other opponents. the way grey is super hypocritical and shitty to him and then to no one else. ariya almost respecting him for what ariya understands as Someone Who Gets It and then revealing oh no i just really don't like you and want to piss you off. this one dude who keeps targetting ariya specifically in all the ways that most drive ariya into a frenzy and he managed to hit him where it hurts the most enough to drive him into hiding. oughhhh aughhhh   - everyone on 205 being a hater for no reason and seeing ariya trying to deal with his Issues(TM): hm. i can make him worse

- SUNFLOWER JACKET!!!!!!!! SUNFLOWER JIRO. PRECIOUS AND BELOVED. KING AMONG ALL CRUISERWEIGHTS. I DONT KNOW WHO ARIYA IS

- the exaggerated "BOO!""YAY!" cheers for jiro. who am i to say he doesn't deserve them. he DOES. we LOVE jiro. jiro is allowed to homewreck gold standard if he wants to i'll pretend not to see

- UNBREAKABLE!! AUGHHH HE'S SO COOL AND FUN AND HIS MIND IS SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL. jiro has such a fucking bonkers sense of like...dragging a move out. that man can MAKE a sequence! he gets the upper hand and he holds onto it for ages and the entire time its never dull. always with the momentum! always with the visualization of everything around him and how to make it into a show. i just simply think that jiro kuroshio

- HE'S DYINGGGGGGG NOOOOOOOO JIRO. TONY NESE YOU'RE A DEAD MAN. he looks great at this angle though love you weirdo. oh NO your jacket is NOT cool enough to pull this off fkshsdskd  - jiro injecting some MUCH needed humor back into 205 thank you so much

- tony's stupid joth uniform next to jiro's sunflower pattern is SO good. fuckin goth v prep diagram dynamic. creamsicle blogging moments

- OH I LOVE A GOOD PIN. we LOVE a good pin don't we. that kick to tony on the apron ROCKS

- clearly you don't own an air fryer...

- OH HIS FORM IS FUCKING UNREAL. WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!! JIRO KUROSHIO BABEY

- i REALLY like this match. this is 205 to me

- IS THAT A 205 CHANT??? IS THAT A 205 CHANT I HEAR??? OH????? WORM????? ITS BEEN LIFETIMES....................

- ooohohohoohohHOOO tony's recovery from the moonsault. that was. dare i say. Epic

- JIROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

- jiro treating mister nese like a little football. sorry anthony. perhaps you should just be cooler <3

- THAT WAS SO FUN......what a meaty episode this week. harkens back to 205 of old.............i love it. im loving this energy. jiro kuroshio you are going to save 205 i believe it

[a-flickering-soul]

do kylux for the ask meme 😳 you + me = mental illness

i love you so much for sending this in this truly is the mortifying ordeal of being known

putting this under a readmore because it is LITCHERALLY 1.2k words because i am literally clawing at the walls of my enclosure about these two

ANYWAYS go ahead and send me a character and i’ll give you some headcanons bc im having fun doing these!!!

Kylo Ren

Sexuality Headcanon: ambiguously queer. Don’t make me think about him having sex he makes me so angry

Gender Headcanon: he Must be a cis man. He has so much mommy issues. He is such an incel. He is so full of toxic masculinity. He must be a cis man.

A ship I have with said character: Kylux. Every single angle you take this ship from it’s funny and good. Canon—they hate each other and want each other dead. AU—they still hate each other but they’re (probably) less fascist and genocidal. It’s just so funny. They are so obsessed with each other. They gaslight each other into love confessions. It’s unreal. I’ve been thinking about Kylux for the past month and I feel like an entire geological age has passed. You can tell I’m a Kylux shipper and a R*ylo anti because I almost exclusively refer to him as Ren instead of Kylo. The gay angel went to superhell for Kylux to go canon in Lego Star Wars (twice) and a kids’ comic book. God mocks me to my face.

A BROTP I have with said character: This got literally shot to shit but post-TFA when a bunch of people headcanoned Rey as Luke’s kid and she and Ren were cousins and he reluctantly babysat her because he was literally ten years older than her (hhhhh.) and they had this weird mildly-contentious relationship as adults where they grudgingly acknowledge they are both the most powerful Force users in the galaxy and are the only ones who mutually understand the legacy they bear and care about each other but also cannot be in the same room together and hold a civil conversation for more than five minutes before resorting to uncomfortable silence. Like when you’re at a family reunion and you’re automatically shunted with the only other kid around your age so you have to make conversation but you are just so fundamentally different there’s nothing to talk about. Unreal.

A NOTP I have with said character: Hhh. R*ylo. I’m one of those evil lesbians who hate that ship viciously and one of my dreams is to be one of the mean antis that that bully a shipper in a story that’s clearly exaggerated or made up and then get cancelled for having good taste.

A random headcanon:  I think he and Phasma used to spar a lot. I keep thinking about the five years he spent on the Finalizer pre-canon and I can’t reasonably justify the Knights of Ren hanging out with him for the entire time on a literal military ship and I like the idea of them being the only people that are reasonably on par physically (I also like how Phasma is an inch taller than him because....whew).

General Opinion over said character: God. He drives me wild. I have a lot of thoughts about him and how good he was in TFA and the pre-canon comics/novels as a really fucking good example of a morally-conflicted villain (especially the comics where it made it really clear that he was very much manipulated and gaslit since like…ten years old). Like! The way he could flip at will from drawing strength from both the light AND dark side of the Force is just!! So cool! The way his strength literally derives from moral conflict is just really interesting to me but….idk the way post-TFA he was thrown into a redemption (Rendemption) arc that hinged on Rey being a literal genuine fascist sympathizer made me just really disappointed. He had a lot of amazing potential to be either a really interesting semi-redeemed Byronic antihero OR a full on unhinged animalistic power-mad villain that Rey has to mercy-kill like a rabid dog. And then. Well. Yeah. I like him a lot in very specific contexts and flat out hate him in most others.

 Armitage Hux

Sexuality Headcanon: gay! He is gay! I have an entire list of reasons why he’s gay and it grows daily! Without a doubt a homosexual! Gay and repressed!

Gender Headcanon: Also a cis guy even though I still do have a lot of half-formed thoughts about gender in the First Order/post-collapse of the Empire society.

A ship I have with said character: Kylux! Again! I’m obsessed with how obsessed Hux is with Ren. He hates him so much it’s unreal. I keep reading the novelizations and thinking so fucking hard about how consumed Hux is with hatred for this one man. He’s so repressed. He’s so damaged. It’s unreal. The brainworms in my head have metamorphosed into moths and they’re flapping their wings so hard they’re disintegrating my grey matter. I think near-daily about how he personally went down to retrieve Ren from the collapse of Starkiller Base and yet would not touch him to drag him to shelter in the Hux graphic novel. Would you take off your glove to check his pulse or would you attempt to feel it through the leather and touch something’s dead skin rather than his living warmth. I’m so deeply unwell.

A BROTP I have with said character: Him and Phasma!!! The way they are on first-name terms with each other….the way one of the few times in the graphic novels you see him smile is when Phasma comes back onto the base…..the way they plotted to kill Brendol together….truly evil mlm/wlw solidarity you simply love to see it

A NOTP I have with said character: Oof I see a lil bit of shipping him with Resistance members (I think I’ve seen him with Rose and also Poe??) and I know TROS made the decision to have him defect from the First Order (out of. again. his obsessive hatred with another man. writing choices.) but it makes me INSANELY uncomfortable seeing people of color being shipped with a literal fascist parody of British colonialism and imperialism lmao like….just ship Kylux bro they’re mutually bad people AND a power couple

A random headcanon: Frankly at this point I joke so much about how much like a sick Victorian orphan he looks like that I could write an entire fake medical file for him but I’ll spare you all and simply say that I am incredibly partial to the headcanon that Hux is a freak that bites string cheese instead of peeling it like a normal person. Also…the implications that he Personally placed the tracker in Ren’s belt rather than someone else, so that he alone could keep tabs on him…..I’m unwell. Enough.

General Opinion over said character: If Ren is a character I love to hate, Hux is a character I hate that I love. I just. I can’t stop thinking about this gay little war criminal. It truly, genuinely baffles the mind how much information there is about him. It triggers that same little part of my brain that goes wild over like. ARGs and stuff. There’s just so much lore. With every new piece of canon or semi-canon information I learn about him I can feel my grip on sanity slipping. He owns a black robe. He has a personal hitman in the First Order ranks to poison people he doesn’t like. He drinks tea. He’s a bastard son. He’s great with kids. He was in charge of a squad of feral orphan child soldiers at five years old. I just. I just don’t get it. I’m enamored with him. His compulsive attention to grooming. His hubris. His ambition. How literally unhinged he is (the “rabid cur” line genuinely lives in my head rent free). The way he systemically killed every single person who saw him weak and abused as a child. There’s just so much to talk about with him. He’s so evil. He’s so fucked up. I love him so deeply. He is such a horrible person and he is so fun to make fun of and he is so fun to think about. God wants there to be a bullet in my head so badly.

[mythfunction]

tw: me talking about my own mental illness, depersonalization i guess probably, feelings of unreality. idk man, it seems right to give a tw of some sort

////

been feeling so shitty. i took a walk with my roommate tonight and met a dog and that helped some. on the walk we were talking and i think I figured out part of why i'm feeling so bad all the time...i'm just having so much trouble with feeling like i'm on a different plane of reality than other people. like it distresses me so much that people are out there eating in restaurants and traveling and stuff and meanwhile i'm in intense lockdown. like some people are not even aware of how much worse the pandemic is right now. it makes me feel legitimately crazy and i don't use that word lightly you know? but like trying to live like this and especially to insist on safety measures that other people seem to be totally ignoring is making me feel like i am not understanding the same basic facts about the world as most other people

i think it's extra bad because like, i have been extremely mentally unwell before, i have felt crazy. when i start to feel like i am experiencing the world in an extremely different way from other people, that to me is a warning sign that i'm very very sad and sick and i need help immediately. i think i'm feeling triggered honestly! my body and mind thinks i am in danger!!

i really underestimated/did not predict how this phase of the pandemic was going to affect me psychologically and i'm really scared by it :///

[valntinemorgenstern]

Regret

A Jordelia TLH one-shot fanfic, inspired by Cassie’s post that Cordelia reads to James. 

There was something illicit about this, Cordelia thought.

She could not for the life of her recall what exactly she had just read.

It was perhaps the proximity, she thought. Being so close to James, sitting beside his bed, handling one of his books. The greenish fabric of the hardback was beginning to fade; pages yellowing, the edges furred. This was, in any other circumstance, prohibited, unallowed; this was, in any other circumstance, utterly unreal: an unmarried woman, and an unmarried man, present in the same bedchamber. James, in his own bed. This close.

This close.

If she turned her head just so, she would see — she had done it ten times, already — fanned-out, ink-black lashes cast down against a milky pallor of skin. There was even the faintest tracery of vein just over his closed, slightly fluttering lids. She felt absurdly gleeful. How many times had she dreamt of such a scene like this? Whenever else would this moment like this arise? 

She imagined Lucie, suddenly, her expression disapproving and puzzled. No. This was something she could not confess to Lucie. Her brother was scandalously handsome, yes, anyone could see that; but she would be horrified, surely, to discover her own parabatai’s affection ran so deep: the things that occupied her mind.

What would the ends of those lashes feel like, she thought, brushed against the tip of her finger? Her imagination vaulted, leaping over to other, more thrilling possibilities, scudding fast as clouds: pressing a light, delicate kiss to each lid. 

James, in Cordelia’s mind, was painted on a daytime canvases of motion against murky London sunlight: sauntering around a drawing room, slinging on a dark coat, feet up on some sofa or chaise longe; twirling a pistol mid-air; grinning wickedly at Matthew. This was unprecedented, James, alone in his bed chamber, and she, alone with him. Her mind, suddenly, supplied the word for her, the thing she was hesitant to give form to: intimate. That is what this scene was. And unlike all those other times she had ever been close to James, now there was not a single soul to watch them.

Cordelia could hear his slow, deep breathing; every little twitch and shift she detected against the heavy sheets piled on top of him. Were his feet bare, she wondered? Though perhaps, given his injury, he was merely wearing a nightshirt—

She read the next few lines louder, with renewed fervour. Concentrate. By the angel. She was reading Thomas Hardy, which, in hindsight, she wished she had not picked from the leaning stack of books on his bedside table. She would much rather it had been something more decorous and turgid like Dickens, rather than this splayed, sensuous prose, like a split-open fruit. Indecent, people said. She could see why. Of course a Herondale would like something like this. The heat in her cheeks, the trilling in her chest, intensified.

James shifted, a troubled noise emanating from him. Cordelia’s watched him, pausing again, noticing that his cheeks had pinkened to a sleepy, soft colour; his brows were furrowed, his mouth sad, a darkening shadow all around his jaw. She thought, some woman, some day, will wake up to this sight every morning.

Cordelia felt a surge of emotion, something searing hot and bursting, almost like rage, sweeping all the way up through her body, as she gazed at him. She had this thing before; she knew it well. But it was getting worse, she thought; she felt a constriction in her throat, as if she could hardly breathe. I had better leave before I do something I shall regret.

Trying to disguise the sound, she inhaled deeply, as far as her stays would allow her, and then simultaneously snapped the book shut and stood, gathering her skirts.

There was a quick, shocked gasp from beside her.

“Sorry,” She said, “I did not mean to wake you.”

His voice was a breath, croaking and broken. “Daisy?”

“Yes.”

He coughed slightly, his voice a little clearer. “What are you doing?”

His eyes, as she watched him, were bleary and half-open. “I…” What had she been doing? “I was reading.” To you, she added, internally.

“Are you leaving?” His voice hitched a little.

Her mouth formed an answer that she could not articulate. She sat back down. “I was stretching,” She said, giving him a tight smile. “What were you dreaming of?”

His gaze moved to the quilt cover. “I have horrible dreams sometimes.”

Cordelia hardly knew what to say. Would it be rude to enquire? “So do I.” She said.

“Really?” His tone was incredulous. He looked back at her, and held her gaze.

“Yes. As my father says, there is no better actor in this world than woman.”

James’ frown deepened. “Yes,” he said, eventually. “I think your father is right.”

She knew they were no longer talking of herself anymore. “You were dreaming of Grace. Would you like to talk about it?” She felt something in herself deflating, turning cold.

He shook his head. “Talking is of no use. It is as if…” He trailed off, a little sigh escaping him, “she is lodged in my mind, dug in somewhere I can’t find. And I have tried and tried but I…sometimes I think, in a year, in two, or three, will it still be like this? This incessant…will it be even worse? I swear by the angel,” he looked at her, something in his expression suddenly fierce, “I will go mad. I already feel it, sometimes. Possessed. I look at a seraph blade and wish I could plunge it straight into my head, if only I could cut her out with it, I would in an instant.”

She let her breath go. “Jamie.” Damn it all to hell, she thought, and she leant down to kneel beside his bed, to grasp his hand. She brought it up to her mouth, pressing a desperate kiss onto the back of his hand. “Jamie, please. Please.” She did not know what she was begging for; she did not know why there were tears, suddenly, filling her eyes.

“I am sorry, Daisy, pretend I never said anything—“

“No, no, Jamie, you— we will find some way,” She vowed to him, two cold, wet tears running down each cheek. “We will.”

He stared down at her and whispered, “I feel it is hopeless.”

“Don’t say that.”

He gave her a weak smile. “You’re right. You are so good,” He stroked back her hair from her face. “I’m sure we do not deserve you.”

Good. She thought, that’s what I am to him. Good. Her tears streamed faster. His fingers moved to brush them away, but she arrested his hand, and brought it to her mouth, proceeding to blanket it over in kisses, just as she had imagined thousands of times — into his wrist, in his palm, over his fingers.  

She stopped. Recoiled. Swallowed. She felt like she had that time when she was a little girl and she had picked up her mother’s most favourite and expensive vase from Tehran. Inevitably, it had slipped through her fingers and shattered disastrously into fragments all over the tiled floor, making such a sound that surely the entire house had heard it. She remembered looking up to find her mother’s eyes on her; the deep chill that ran through her as she met her eyes. This is it. This is regret. There was no undoing this, now.

She cringed at the shock in his voice. “Daisy?”

“I’m afraid I must go.” She hastily dropped his hand and got to her feet. “I feel — rather — rather ill.” It was the only thing she could think to say.

She dashed out the room, feeling James’ gaze piercing the back of her, searching, dumbfounded. The moment she escaped, she threw herself against the nearest wall, savouring the fresh air, closing her eyes, biting down viciously on her lip. How could you be so stupid?

“Cordy?” She heard Lucie’s voice to her right. Where had she come from? Cordelia’s eyes flew open. “Are you…” She saw her expression become puzzled. “Why are you out of breath?” She saw her parabatai’s eyes flick to the door behind her — her brother’s room — and flick back to her.

“I feel unwell, suddenly. I have no idea why,” A breathy sound left her.

Lucie smiled. “Come with me.”

[be-bisexual-eat-hot-chip-and-lie]

unreal unearth thoughts:

de selby (part 1)

- the harmonies ughhhh

- this man is singing in irish !!!

- this is in fact a religious experience

de selby (part 2)

- i’d block the sun if you want it gone shjshshah

first time

- his voice is so soft and lovely

- as it was and ever shall be my all girls catholic school ass is screaming in religious imagery

- some part of me must have died the final time you called me baby !!!! I AM UNWELL

francesca

- my life was a storm since i was born, how could i fear any hurricane

- this man is a poet

- the ah-ah ah-ahs scratch my brain so good omg

- heaven is not fit to house a love like you and i

- the choral arrangement of this the layers and harmonies i am screaming i am crying i am losing my mind

i, carrion (icarian)

- icarus?!

- i am lifted by every word you sing (said?) to me

- its such a lovely and light tune

- if we fall, i only pray, dont fall away from me

eat your young

- i cannot wait to hear this live oh my fuck

- the little vocal riff motif thing is just. so good?

damage gets done

- we had nowhere to go and every desire for going there

- harmonies make me go feral

- darlin’

- layered sounds i am normal about this (i am most definitely not)

who we are

- piano!!

- hold me like a knife

- 2:34-3:22 makes me happy dance

son of nyx

- me when greek myth !!

- string arrangement that devastates /pos

all things end

- if there was anyone to ever get through this life with their heart still intact, they didnt do it right

- i love how his voice changes from song to song ugh a man with range

- darlin’

- choral arrangement!!! i am dead deceased done for every time

to someone from a warm climate (uiscefhuaraithe)

- darlin

- it am someone from a warm climate (mexico) this song is for me

- there are some things that no one teaches you

- i just want a compilation of this man calling me darlin please that will cure my depression

butchered tongue

- soft and devastating

- the shattered bedrock of our home sir why must you hurt me like this

- if he plays this live i will weep inconsolably

anything but

- immediately more upbeat

- if i was a riptide i wouldn’t take you out

- harmonies shakgakahsjs

- drumbeat

- if i had his job you would live forever

abstract (psychopomp)

- your hand in my pocket to keep us both warm

- i need the lyrics for this whole album ngl

- brass section

- im afraid we’ll always be trapped within an abstract

unknown/nth

- you know the distance never made a difference to me UGH

- so much of the living, love, is the being unknown

- do you know i could break beneath the weight of the goodness, love, i still carry for you

- the way he sings that bit just. makes me go !!!!

first light

- harmonies !

- like i lived my whole life before the first light

- darkness always finds you either way

- after this im never gonna be the same (he’s right i won’t)

- layered sound scratches my brain

- guitar!

long story short

i love hozier

[notreallyuseless]

Who’s left to trust (Part 5)

Previous [x] /// Next [x]

Laughter and joyful voices could be heard all around the house, replacing all the anger and guilt that were seeping from the worn-out walls before. People were crowding around Chase who smiled sweetly at everyone. He was hugging Henrik, ruffling his kids’ hairs and talking happily with Jackie. Marvin hadn’t move from his spot since he saw Chase, he was too stunned, too sad to go meet him. He didn’t understand. Why wasn’t he happy to see Chase, why was he feeling like this “Chase” wasn’t his friend. He was acting like the real one, but Marvin was certain that man wasn’t his friend. He adjusted his mask on his face, an habit he had while he was stressed. He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around, still a little dazed by his thoughts. Jamie laughed at him and waved his hands before Marvin’s face, his way to tell the others to read his hands.

“Why are you looking at him like that?”

“I... How am I looking at him?”, asked Marvin, stunned.

“You’re looking at him like you don’t want him here.”

“No Jamie! It’s not that...I’m just... surprised to see him. I didn’t mean to look at him like that.”

“Well you almost have the same nasty look that his ex has right now on her face.”

Marvin’s face turned red. Jamie compared his expression to Stacy’s and Marvin didn’t want to look at Chase wrong, he was supposed to be happy to see him. He might be worrying for nothing. His nightmares might have take a toll on him. He thanked Jamie and walked toward Chase. Henrik stepped away when he saw Marvin and waved him over. Jackie left to go see Jamie and Chase’s kids sent some nasty look at Marvin, which he understood as them not liking him. The feeling was returned. Chase’s eyes lit up seeing Marvin approach and drag him into his arms, squeezing him hard against his chest. Marvin’s mask dug into Marvin’s cheeks which was fairly uncomfortable but Marvin didn’t feel like adjusting it.

“Marvin, I’m so happy to see you! How have you been lately? Did you go to the magic show you were excited to see last Thursday? I hope so because you were bouncing on the walls just thinking about it.”

The magician squeezed Chase’s shirt in his hand, trying to ignore the cold feeling of Chase’s skin on his arms. It was cold outside, and Chase had somehow lost his jacket, so it was normal for him to be cold. Marvin shook his head against his friend chest and whispered a no. Chase, taking a step backward, looked Marvin in the eyes.

“What do you mean no? You were talking about this show for weeks! It was almost annoying hearing you say the same thing everyday.”, chuckled Chase.

“I...I couldn’t with you gone. I was scared of stumbling on your... I was scared of finding you in bad shape.”

Chase ruffled Marvin’s hair lightly, gave an apologetic smile at him and went to Stacy and his kids’ side. Marvin stood there, awkwardly looking at them when he saw Jackie get near him. Marvin simply nodded to Jackie before turning his attention back to Chase. Even after this heartfelt moment, Marvin still felt like something was wrong. He could feel it in his guts. Chase seemed...unreal.

“Jackie... do... do you feel like there’s something unusual with Chase? He seems...weird. I think we should keep an eye on him.”

“What are you saying Marvin? You're the one that wanted him to come back! You should be happy! Stop worrying about it. You feel like that because you can’t wrap your head around the fact he’s back.”

Marvin didn’t push further. Jackie was right in a way. He was probably still in denial that this whole thing ended like that. He never dared say this to the other, but he rarely believed Henrik when he kept repeating that Chase would come back. In his mind, there was no way Anti would let Chase walk out of his place, even less with Chase unharmed. But it seems it happened, so Marvin should be glad that Chase is back instead of ruining the mood around him.

Two hours after Stacy and the kids had left the house, the egos decided to go back to the dreaded table to talk in more depth of what happened and what will happen. They were all in their respective seat, Jamie twiddling his thumbs, Jackie reading news on his phone, Henrik still holding his cherished cup of coffee while Chase tried desperately to throw a sugar cube into the said cup. The only one who didn’t look relax was Marvin who was still frantically glancing at Chase from time to time, biting his lips. He had tried again and again to tell himself he was worrying for nothing, but the feeling wouldn’t leave him. He stopped his train of thought when he heard a clink and Jamie clapping his hand to Chase who finally managed to shoot his cube.

“Why didn't we heard of you for a whole week?”, asked Jackie who finally put down his phone.

“I didn't want to disappoint you guys. After what happened, I thought the best thing to do was to find him and solve this problem before going back to you.”

“But a whole week?”, signed Jamie.

“It took me a while to find Anti. He's a sneaky snake.”

They all laughed at Chase’s poor attempt for a joke, they really missed him and his stupid dad jokes. It was like without him, there was near to no joy in the house. Henrik took a sip of his coffee and shot a glare toward Chase. He really like his coffee black and Chase kind of ruined his drink. He drank it anyway because there was no way he would throw away coffee.

“He let you go away without hurting you?”, quietly asked Marvin because it didn’t seem right.

“He threatened me, that’s for sure. He also attacked me with his knife once or twice. He left me with some scars so I’m not really...unharmed. He really was mad that we would think he would comply just because I would have asked him to. He called me stupid and you guys even stupider. He said I was no threat for him and that I wasn’t of much use for him, so he just let me leave his place. He told me to come back to him when I’m more useful as an ego and less of a useless use of space.”

Jamie and Henrik went to Chase’s side, patting him on the back and making sure Anti’s words wouldn’t hurt him anymore while Jackie was in his seat mumbling colourful insult toward a certain glitch. But Marvin didn’t understand. The tone of Chase’s voice seemed so sad and hurt but his eyes were completely empty. There were no emotions in them. It. Wasn’t. Right. He then leaned on toward Jackie, while Chase was busy talking to Jamie.

“Jackie...don’t you find Chase...pale? And his face looks weird.”

“Marvin... Why are you always on edge today? He's been face to face with Anti, I would be pale too if I was him. Didn’t you hear what that piece of shit told him? You should be more kind with him. You really worry a lot today. Take it easy, man. “

“Yeah...I’m sorry, I’m just really on edge today.”

Jackie pushed Marvin gently toward Chase, mouthing out the words ‘go see him’ before turning his attention back to his phone. Marvin did exactly that, putting a hand on Jamie’s shoulder who was frantically signing something to Chase, who had difficulty following Jamie’s train of thought. The silent man slightly lowered his speed until he stopped completely and grinned at Marvin. Chase looked confused, to say the least. Marvin quietly laughed at him and told himself Chase might have forgot some words while he was away.

“All of that waving was to tell you he was happy to see you back and that he took care of your house plant.”

Chase got up and put Jamie’s head in a headlock and ruffled the silent man’s hair. He really liked to do this, thought Marvin. He almost never did this kind of things before, but he was probably ruffling their hair because he missed them. Henrik yawning brought Marvin out of his thoughts again and the doctor mumbled a small apology about the fact he was suddenly very tired and would take a nap. They all told him to rest and go sleep. Marvin’s gut feeling got worst. He kept glancing down at Henrik’s empty cup, trying hard to tell himself that Henrik tiredness was cause by the relief of seeing his friend again and not by whatever Chase threw in his coffee. Maybe coffee didn’t have much effect anymore on the doctor. Marvin should really stop worrying.

The rest of the day went slowly. Marvin kept his distance with Chase, just to be sure, which didn’t really bother the father since he was busy doing food for his bunch of brother-kid to apologize to them. Jamie and Jackie were busy doing their own thing, which Marvin was wary of because he was left alone with Chase in the kitchen since the magician was the only one Chase was able to find and ask for help to cook. Marvin was on edge, he kept glancing down at the knife in Chase’s hand cutting down vegetables.

“Is something wrong Marvin?”, asked Chase who placed the knife down and turned around to face Marvin completely.

“Uh... no Chase. I’m just... I have a bad feeling. I’m scared.”

“A bad feeling? Scared? Of what?”

Chase stepped forward, reaching a hand to touch Marvin’s shoulder.

“...Of you.”

The room turned black suddenly. Marvin couldn’t understand why the lights had flickered off at that exact moment. He was so scared. So scared of Chase. He recoiled with a shudder, reaching around him to find something, anything, to protect himself from the man before him. There was no one here but them. Chase could do anything to him and no one would know it. He took a step back and felt the counter dig into his back. He thought he could see a small green glint in Chase’s eyes. The lights around them flickered on after a few seconds and they heard Jackie screaming downstairs.

“I’m sorry, guys! I ran head first into the breaker box!”

Chase laughs softly at Jackie’s action before looking back at Marvin and giving an understanding smile at him.

“It’s OK, Marvin. I understand. It might seem weird for me to come back alive, but I swear Marvin, nothing happened. I’m OK. You’re OK. We’ll find a way to bring Jack back. If you feel unwell, you can always go lay down in your room, I won’t be angry.”

Chase turned his back from Marvin and continued cutting the food. Cautiously, Marvin looked at Chase’s arm that were covered in scars and bruises. How did he never notice them? Was he so focused on how Chase was different and might hurt him that he never saw that his friend was the one that was being hurt. He ran off into his room, feeling guilty. He couldn’t explain the glint he saw in Chase’s eyes. Was he so keen on telling himself that Anti was manipulating Chase that he’d imagine things like that? His mind was playing trick on him. He slammed his door close and leant on the wood, out of breath. His eyes trailed down on his bed and fell on Chase’s hat. Why was he so obsessed with the idea that Chase wasn’t who he said he was? Marvin slid down on the floor and cried himself to sleep, preferring nightmares than dealing with what he was feeling now.

He was startled awake by the door hitting him in the back. He scrambled away from the way of whoever entered his room and hit his back on his bed in his hurry. Chase looked down at him, worrying for the poor magician that looked scared out of his mind. He bent down and slid a bowl toward Marvin. He then took a small step back.

“It’s OK Marvin. I won’t hurt you. No one’s going to hurt you. I just wanted to bring you soup, but you don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to. I can always ask Jamie or Jackie to bring you food later.”

But Marvin was tired of making Chase feel like he was the one that was doing this wrong. Marvin was the one that made everything difficult. He should just stop worrying and accept that Chase was really back. He shook his head and extended his hand to Chase. The other took Marvin hand in his lightly, puzzled.

“I’m sorry Chase. I’m just confused today. I didn’t expect to see you so soon. Not that I mind. I just can’t wrap my head around it.”

He stood up and helped Chase back on his feet. He nudged him toward his bed and gave back Chase’s hat who put it back on his head, grinning.

“I’m not that hungry but... can you stay with me a little longer? I sometimes have nightmares so maybe your presence will help me calm down.”

“Anything for you, my small magic boy”, beamed Chase who jumped on Marvin’s bed after the magician had lay down under his sheet.

“...Uh...It might sound weird but...can you like... talk until I fall asleep? I just missed hearing you talk. You can also sing if you feel confident enough in your signing skill.”, said Marvin with a slight giggle in his voice.

“Are you saying I’m not a good singer?”, sassily said Chase back.

“Well you’re the second-best singer here...far behind myself.”

Marvin really missed their silly banter. Chase was just so easy to talk to. They never had to think hard for a subject to talk to, everything was fun with Chase. Marvin’s guilt for wasting his day being afraid of Chase was replaced by fatigue.

“Will me singing really help you?”

“I've done nothing but worry since you came back. I think you being there for me will make me stop feeling like that.”

“I can always do this to you Marvin. Just relax.”

Marvin didn’t need to be told twice. His eyes felt heavy and his body just wanted to shut down. He felt like for once, he’d have a good night sleep. Chase began humming a lullaby softly while stroking the magician’s hair. He slowly removed Marvin’s mask from his face before putting it on the nightstand. Marvin’s thoughts finally calmed down and he felt himself doze off when he heard Chase’s words.

“ 1̛.̶.͟.̨2̨..͠.̛ .Anti’s coming for you .”

____________________________________________

Why is Marvin freaking out about Chase? He should be happy to see his friend, right? I’d be happy to see Chase back. Wouldn’t you? :))))))))

Tag list: @enakane @chase-brody-protection-squad @huffle-dork @rand0m-stufff @splish-splash-im-trash @cryptvokeeper @dragonfliesarecool @thisrandomperson102

[aswithasunbeam]

Finding Forgiveness, Chapter 8

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 9

Rating: Teen and Up

Summary: Eliza Hamilton can't keep punishing her husband forever. If she didn't intend to leave him, she would need to find a way to forgive him. But how? The Reynolds Pamphlet aftermath

Hamilton has a sweet moment with Washington (and a cold)

November 1798

Something wondrous and strange happened between he and Eliza in the months after she returned from Albany. The painful distance had disappeared, and, like the sun freed from passing clouds, the love between them blazed brighter than ever. They were like newlyweds in their passion and affection, discovering each other anew. Honesty was prized between them more than ever, and when they were both at home they made sure to talk to each other daily about their feelings and concerns. The closer they grew, the more he was loath to be apart from her. Even a day at the office seemed far too long.

One blissful morning came particularly to mind. The sky beyond the thick curtains had only just turned a hazy blue when he woke. Crisp fall air made the warm blankets of the bed feel heavenly. Better yet, he found his wife already awake and snuggled against him. Her big, dark eyes met his and she adjusted in the bed to press a kiss to his lips.

“Good morning,” she whispered, her small hands stroking across his chest. She smiled up at him beatifically. “You looked like you were in the grips of a pleasant dream when I woke.”

“I think perhaps I still am,” he whispered back.

She chuckled fondly and crossed her arms on his chest to rest her chin upon them. “Charmer,” she charged as she looked up at him through her long eyelashes.

As he’d wrapped his arms around her, he found himself swallowing around a sudden tightness in his throat. The contentment and peace he’d experienced in that moment had been something he’d thought lost forever. He closed his eyes and sent a prayer of thanks to both merciful God and his angelic wife for the second chance with which he’d been blessed.

Given this sudden renaissance in his marriage, his appointment as Major General was rather bittersweet. He’d longed to attain the distinguished rank for decades, to be sure. But like King Midas in the old myth, he found the granting of his wish came at a terrible price, as he was forced away from his wife and family back to the tedium of meetings over budgets and supplies.

When leaving for Philadelphia in early November, he’d been struck with a homesickness the likes of which he’d never before experienced. The day he arrived in the city, he’d sat down immediately to write to Eliza, admitting, “I am quite well, but I know not what impertinent gloom hangs over my mind, which I fear will not be entirely dissipated until I rejoin my family. A letter from you telling me you and my dear Children are well will be a consolation.”1 He’d been sick with worry until such a letter from her arrived, terrified that old distance would appear again. Quite to the contrary, she wrote him with a delightful regularity, insisting she longed for him every bit as much as he missed her.

“Is there anything you’d like to add, General?”

Only when his nephew, Phil, nudged him lightly in the side did Hamilton realize the question from Pinckney had been intended for him.

Roused at last from his daydreams, he answered belatedly, “No, I think we’ve covered everything.”

He could be forgiven his inattention. The new title still felt almost unreal, especially with General Washington sitting at the head of the table. His foggy head helped little. The children had passed around a terrible cold at the end of October, and apparently gifted it to him. The headache, blocked nose and sore throat had been plaguing him for the last week and half, not to mention the lingering and frustrating cough which worsened at night so as to make sleep nearly impossible. Seated in a chair near the fire in the blissfully warm meeting room, he’d been half asleep for most of the monotonous discussion.

Chairs scraped against the wooden floor as the officers began to rise. Phil leaned over to collect the papers spread out in front of him. He noticed Knox speaking to Washington in a hushed tone, but he barely had time to wonder what they were discussing when James McHenry appeared in front of him.

Poor Mac had the run down air of a man in over his head. Though an able military officer during the Revolution and a competent Secretary in the later years of Washington’s administration, Mac simply didn’t have the skill to run the War Department in such a time of crisis. They’d exchanged some tense letters recently, but he was glad to see Mac approached him with an open expression.

“You look terrible,” Mac stated in lieu of a greeting.

“Thank you,” he replied flatly, gratified to see his old friend laugh in response.

Mac reached out to touch his forehead and frowned when he leaned away. “I just want to be sure you don’t have a fever.”

“I’m fine,” he assured, even as he touched his handkerchief to his nose. “It’s only a cold. The children all had it before I left New York.”

“Given the number of times I’ve been called upon to keep you alive from ‘just a cold,’ you’ll forgive my lack of faith in your self-assessment,” Mac parried, stepping forward and laying a palm on his head. Whatever positions his friend might hold, he would always remain first and foremost a physician, Hamilton thought fondly.

“Will I live, doctor?” he asked facetiously as he gave himself over to Mac’s fussing.

“You should get some rest,” Mac insisted. That he said no more told Hamilton that nothing was seriously wrong with him.

“I’ll try,” he promised.

Mac heaved a sigh, and seemed to search for another topic of conversation. Hamilton had the sneaking suspicion that his friend wanted to put off returning to his office as long as possible. It was a desire he recalled well.

“General Washington set a time to have the conference regarding expense reimbursements,” he reported, taking pity. “I should have a report for you sometime next week.”

“That’s good.” Mac sighed again, a tense weariness apparent in the sag of his shoulders. “Well, I should be getting back. I have a meeting with President Adams later today.”

He and Mac shared a commiserating smile at the President’s name, as though it were a private joke between them.

“Have a good evening, Mac,” he wished sincerely.

“And yourself,” Mac replied, nodding as he stepped away to bid General Washington farewell.

Hamilton turned away from the lingering officers towards the fireplace as he tried to subtly blow his nose.

“Sir?” Phil was at his side suddenly holding a heaping stack of papers. “Where I should I bring these?”

The new form of address from his nephew also felt odd still. The boy had been calling him Uncle Ham since the tender age of two; now when Phil addressed him as ‘General Hamilton’ and ‘Sir,’ Hamilton had to consciously fight down a smile. He cast his eye over the first page of notes from the meeting and decided, “Take them back to Mr. Wolcott’s. I’ll look at them later.”

“Yes, sir,” Phil replied with a sharp salute. “Will you require anything else of me, sir?”

“You are dismissed, Captain.” He gave the boy a gentle smile. “Enjoy your evening.”

“Thank you, sir,” Phil grinned, exiting the room with the boundless energy of the young. He had no doubt the boy had plenty of invitations to keep him busy. Handsome, wealthy, and now a Captain in the army, the young ladies of Philadelphia practically fainted in his nephew’s presence.

“Please close the door behind you,” he heard Washington request. He looked over to see Knox slowly limping from the room.

Feeling his gaze, Knox glanced over at him and saluted halfheartedly. “Good evening, General Hamilton.”

He transferred his handkerchief to his other hand to return the salute. “Good evening, sir.”

When the door closed with a tap, Washington turned towards him, the stiff, statuesque persona easing slightly now that they were alone. “I’m glad to see things between you and General Knox have thawed.”

That was going a bit far, in his opinion, but he nodded. “General Knox is an honorable and capable officer, sir. I had no doubt that we would work well together in our common cause.” The aged General hadn’t been openly hostile to him, at least, although Hamilton knew Knox’s placement beneath him in the ranking had stung his pride.

Washington paced over to stand beside him near the fire. They stood side by side, watching the flames crackle in the grate. When he raised the handkerchief to stile a cough, he felt a warm hand land comfortingly on his back.

“You appear unwell today, my boy,” Washington remarked when he’d caught his breath. He found with some surprise that the endearment didn’t grate on him as it once had; rather, it left him feeling somewhat nostalgic. Nearing his forty-second year, very few people referred to him as a boy anymore, there’s or otherwise.

“Just a cold, sir,” he repeated. “Mac’s already lectured me on the importance of rest. I’ll be well again in no time.”

Washington nodded, though his hand remained in place on Hamilton’s back. Another beat of comfortable silence past between them. As much as he had left to do today, he was glad for the moment of quiet companionship.

“Your young nephew seems to be doing well,” Washington commented. “Able in his position, and quite popular in society. He reminds me very much of you as a young man.”

“I don’t think I was ever quite so popular in society,” he argued mildly. “But yes, he’s doing very well.”

“I wish to get to know him better before we depart Philadelphia. I’ve spent little time with him as of yet, and I’d like to know of the young talent in our army,” Washington mused.

“I’m sure he’d be honored at the opportunity, sir,” Hamilton replied. More likely, poor Phil would be overcome with nerves at the thought of a private meeting with His Excellency. He smirked slightly, and added, “Although you have spent some time with him before, if you recall.”

“Have I?”

“In Morristown,” he prompted. When Washington frowned in thought, he elaborated, “He was only two at the time. He was the little boy Eliza was often carting around during our last winter encampment there.”

“Ah, yes,” Washington smiled slightly again at the memory. “Tell me, how is Mrs. Hamilton?”

“Exceedingly well,” he answered easily. “Although somewhat harried when I left, with a house full of sniffling children to contend with.”

“I assume your current state of health is thanks to the very same sniffling children?��� Washington speculated.

He nodded with a chuckle.

“You must bring them all to Mount Vernon for a visit soon,” Washington insisted. “Mrs. Washington would be thrilled to see your dear wife and to have a house full of children.”

He smiled. “That’s very kind, sir. Thank you. Although I think you’d regret your offer if I ever were to impose my brood upon you.”

Washington exhaled a soft huff of amusement, and continued, in a soft voice, “I’ve invited the Vice President to dine with me tonight. Would you care to join us? I’d appreciate your good company.”

He glanced sideways at his commander, a sly smirk playing on his lips. “As delightful as I’m sure a meal with Mr. Jefferson would be, I regrettably have other plans. I promised Senator Read I’d join him.”

The corner of Washington’s lip twitched subtly, but the slight show of amusement from his General was as good as an open grin on another man. “I see,” Washington said simply.

“Even that I’m considering cancelling,” he added. “I think perhaps a night in to tend to my cold is needed.”

“You’ve grown wiser since your youth. I’d expected to see you faint to the floor before hearing you admit that you required rest.”

He couldn’t exactly argue, knowing he’d done exactly that in his younger days. He smiled at his old General, and returned to their prior topic. “If you’re looking for a convenient escape from your illustrious guest, I could always send you an urgent message before the appointed time of the meal. We could sip some brandy at Wolcott’s and plan a defense against an imaginary invasion.”

Surprisingly, Washington looked as if he was giving the offer some thought before he refused, a resigned expression on his worn face. “I do encourage you to take the night to rest, though, son. I need you healthy and strong for what’s to come.”

“Yes, sir,” he agreed.

“You’re doing very well,” Washington added. A warm feeling rose within him at the unexpected praise from his commander. “Not that I expected otherwise. I was sincere when I said I would not consent to return if anyone else were to be in your post. As always, you’ve more than proven worthy of my confidence and high regard.”

“Thank you, sir.” That hardly seemed enough of a reply. With all that had happened in the past year, the General’s unshakable confidence in him felt more precious than ever. Were it not for Washington’s stubborn insistence, he doubted he could have returned to public life at all, much less as Inspector General of the army.

When he opened his mouth to convey more of his gratitude, however, his cough interrupted him once more. As the evening drew on, he knew it would only grow worse. Washington steadied him, patting his back gently until the fit had past.

“Go home and rest, my boy,” Washington insisted when he’d composed himself once more. “We’ll talk more tomorrow. Try taking a spoonful of honey before you lie down.”

“Honey, sir?”

“To soothe your throat. An old trick of Mrs. Washington’s that has never failed me.”

He nodded thoughtfully. Worth a try, he supposed.

They bid each other a good night, and he gratefully climbed into his carriage for the short ride to the corner of Spruce and Fourth, where Wolcott was living. His successor at Treasury had pressed him ceaselessly to stay in his home rather than an inn while he was in the city, and he’d eventually agreed. Though Mrs. Wolcott had been dangerously unwell recently, the couple was warm and welcoming, insisting that they were honored to share their home.

When he arrived at the house, he asked for tea and honey to be sent to his room and bid his hostess a good evening. Phil had left the pile of papers in his room as requested, but he pushed them aside, instead reaching for a blank sheet of paper. A servant brought him a tea tray as he finished penning his short note of apology to Jacob Read: “I am mortified My Dear Sir that I cannot have the pleasure of dining with you today as I promised; but I am so extremely deranged in point of health that I am compelled to stay at home repose & muse.”2 The servant obligingly agreed to send the note for him, and he found himself free to rest for the night.

The tea and honey soothed his cough, but his mind felt too fuzzy to concentrate properly on anything of consequence. The pile of military papers remained untouched on his desk, as did the legal cases he’d brought to maintain his practice (an unfortunate necessity until Mac and Wolcott managed to arrange payment for his military services). Instead, he reclined on his bed and let his mind wander to Eliza and his darling children.

Perhaps they could manage a trip to Mount Vernon next year, he thought fancifully as he blew his nose once again. A smile curled his lips as he pictured the little ones running about the back lawn and splashing in the cool water of the Potomac. Eliza revered Mrs. Washington, and he knew she would enjoy the chance to spend some meaningful time with the good lady. Perhaps he’d take his new fowling piece and Old Peggy, his retriever dog, with him to go for a hunt with Pip and the General. He’d meant to take the boy for a hunt last spring, but was too pressed with business to escape from town.

The imagined domestic scenes were so pleasant, he wished he could make them a daily reality. No more politics, no more war: just his loving family, together and happy in the country. The foray back into public life, however necessary for the country’s good, had shown him unequivocally that his heart and his happiness lay not in honors and offices, but with his family.

His eyes popped open. Why could such a scene not be his daily reality? They had a tidy savings from his legal practice tucked away, enough for a good plot of land in the country. He could build a home for Eliza and the children, perhaps not as grand as General Washington’s, but lovely and warm and theirs.

The thought overwhelmed him. He could picture the beautiful garden, Eliza beckoning him through the paths of flowers as the children played in the grass. They’d paint the house a sunny yellow as a symbol of their happiness. Yes, he decided. Yes, they could do this.

He rose from bed, sat at the small table piled high with papers, and pulled a blank sheet of paper to him.

“I have formed a sweet project, of which I will make you confident when I come to New York, and in which I rely that you will cooperate with me chearfully,” he informed her rather cryptically. He grinned as he added teasingly, “You may guess and guess and guess again  Your guessing will be still in vain. But you will not be the less pleased when you come to understand and realize the scheme.”3

An impulsive thought, he granted as he read over the letter, born of restless musing while he was cooped up in bed. But the sheer delight that filled him as he pictured the little country seat was enough to spur him on. A little more time in public service, a little more work at his career, and then paradise could be his.

1 Hamilton to Eliza, 10 November 1798 2 Hamilton to Jacob Read, November 1798 3 Hamilton to Eliza, 19 November 1798

[kekabumi]

The Big C

by Connie Khong

Cancer - something that seemed like it only happened in movies or that it is someone else's story and not my reality. Unfortunately, my first touch with cancer was when we found out that my beloved uncle, my mother's brother, was diagnosed with nose cancer. I was still in early secondary school, then my father suffered the same fate when I was in university. 

Both experiences were different and yet so similar at the same time - but nothing could ever prepare me or my family for that. It was difficult to see your loved ones go through such a painful process, and at that point of time, you wish you can just, take away all their pain. 

My Ah Pek had to undergo radiotherapy when chemotherapy didn't have much effect on his cancer anymore. He was such a jovial person and was set on enjoying life to the fullest when he found out he was diagnosed. He was set on beating cancer with all his might - but the treatment really took a toll on him. I was still too young to properly understand the stress and strain that my family was going through at the time - I knew it was always there, and most of the time, my coping mechanisms were to pretend like everything was okay. To treat him like nothing has changed so he wouldn't feel any different. 

That one fateful day came when my dad picked me up from school, and he uttered those dreaded words: Your Ah Pek has passed away. I couldn't believe it. It seemed so unreal. It only hit me when I heard my Ama walk through the doors as she returns from the nursing home where he stayed at during his final days, wailing her heart out. I could never forget the look in her eyes, her sense of loss to lose her son. Only love can leave you feeling like that. 

Years later, it happened again. This time, it was my beloved Papi. He was unwell for the longest time; he kept coughing and it felt like it wasn’t getting any better. We kept telling him to go to the doctors and have it checked out but he kept brushing it off and delayed the visit to the hospital. I guess fear was overwhelming for him - I think he had an inkling of what it was, he said he suspected that it might be cancer when everyone kept pushing him to go to the clinic. He was terrified to find out.

He eventually did - and the local doctor seemed anxious, and wasn’t happy with what he discovered. He said Papi's liver feels hard and that he suspects it might be something worse. He wrote a referral letter for us to take him to the hospital for another thorough inspection. They ran more tests before confirming that he was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer. By then, it already spread to his liver.

Nothing prepared us for this - not even with the loss of my Ah Pek many years ago. Once again, I find myself running away when things get difficult. I didn't know it then that I was coping differently - I was staying on campus at the time and could decide when to head home when I am ready to face it all. I didn't want my Papi to see me sad or at loss for words when he wasn't getting better. I felt the need to be the positive one so that he doesn't give up on this battle. 

Whenever I'm back to see him or to accompany him for his visits, he would always worry about me and kept telling me that I need not be there. Yet at the same time, he would say that he is glad that I am around. It was the only way I knew how to support him; to be present for a man of little words. 

His chemotherapy worked but only for a short while. He finally decided that he didn't want to go through it - so we chose to respect his wishes. 

When he stopped, it all happened so quickly. I remember patting his back when he was coughing from drinking water one night. I was packing for a short trip to Japan with my university mates and he couldn't sleep - so I fetched him some water and told him if he needed anything he could just informed me. He said he's fine and not to worry about him. He was too sleepy to say goodbye when I left for my flight the next day. I didn't know it then, but that was the last time I would see him alive. 

Throughout the short trip, I got updates from Mami that he wasn't doing so well and that the doctors told us to prepare ourselves. I was telling her that I'll cancel all my trips upon returning to spend more time with him. Short of a couple days of me returning, I got that dreaded phone call from her: Papi breathed his last. 

It felt unreal to be back in the house when I landed and he is not there. It felt unreal to see him lying in the casket. Everything felt unreal. But at the same time, that's how much I love Papi. As much as it hurts to know he is not around anymore, I also find comfort in knowing he is no longer in pain. Both Papi and Ah Pek dealt with this bravely until the end. 

It's not easy battling cancer and it's not easy supporting someone through that as well. But, it's important that we do; that we show up and be there for them all the way during this difficult time. It's our way of being brave and giving them courage to carry on the fight. 

And it's so important to go for health checks, and get yourself tested. Early detection saves lives. Cancer does not necessarily translate to death, if detected early. So, please don't sit around and worry about the what-ifs and instead, take an active role to play a part for your health.

Find out more and learn more on how you can help prevent cancer at worldcancerday.org.