#i am struggling to get out of bed rn scroll scrolling

[http-bee]

lok

[tojislibrvry]

★ ︵ @ fem!toji / reader , sexuāl fantasies , cūnnilingus , strāpping , fingēring , perv toji , genderbent au , roommate au

it is almost 2 am when you hear someone ring the bell. it was a warm night, you had shed layers of clothes opting to wear a tank top and shorts. the air was thick with humidity, a layer of sweat making your body glow under the dim lights of your apartment. you get up from your comfortable position on bed — legs curled and on your side scrolling on your phone. stretching your sore arms you walk to your front door.

you look through the peephole and see none other than your new roommate toji. you both met for the first time in a cafe after she answered to your post looking for a roommate to split rent. she was truly a sight to behold. decked in comfortable looking clothes, a pair of baggy jeans and a form fitting t-shirt that fit her large frame perfectly, a hint of her calvin klein boxers peeking through. she was charming, and nonchalant and you decided at that moment that you would not mind sharing an apartment with her.

you open the door and you are met with the sight of a very drunk toji.

"... i think i'm going to throw up."

girl.

toji's eyes burn as she throws up into the toilet bowl, stomach churning with nausea already. she can feel the beer make it's way back up to her mouth and she swears that she'll never drink again.

she feels your soft hand on her back as you coo at her plight. you draw soothing circles on her skin as she heaves again.

"s'okay toji, it's almost over." you say as she pukes her gut out for the final time and collapses on the bathroom floor.

you help her up and get her to brush her teeth. up and down, side to side. the foamy sounds growing louder as you move the toothbrush. she's taller than you, by a lot of inches than you can count so to reach up to her is a struggle, arms cramping up with the effort.

she's still very drunk, bubbles of her intoxication bursting around her.

you bring her to her room when you notice her outfit. she's wearing a black tank top, a little too tight on her skin paired with leather pants that seem a little too warm for the weather.

she seems to realise that too because the next thing you know she's tugging off her pants, sliding it off her long legs.

you quickly turn your back to her, fingers pressed against your wandering eyes.

"toji! y-you can't just do that!!" you whisper-yell, hoping she would stop nearly stripping in front of you.

"was too hot, fuck—" she mumbles, "—m never fucking wearing leather again."

"are you dressed ?" you sigh in defeat, back still turned.

".... yeah, look at me baby."

toji was a flirty, sleazy and oh so mean drunk.

you turn to see her only wearing her thong and a graphic tee that is conveniently pulled over the curvature of her ass.

she looks at you face flushed and still manages to sneak in a wink.

".... i'm leaving."

she gets up and grabs you before you can leave pulling you into the bed with her. she holds you close as your face is pressed impossibly close to her chest, close enough to hear her beating heart.

"nooooo ... stay with me, please."

the next morning toji wakes up with the kind of headache that makes her want to hit her head against the wall. she groans as she gets up, back all kinds of fucked up. she rubs her eyes, sitting cross legged on the bed. once her vision clears, she notices something on her bedside table.

' your head probably hurts a lot rn >:( , so here's a painkiller and some water. take it after you eat the soup i've made. it's in the fridge ( heat it up for 30 seconds ) ! take care ~ ♡ p.s - your phone should be at 100% now , it's charging in the living room '

oh

she heats the soup and it tastes just right, making her feel a lot better. her phone is not dead and fully charged, her room definitely cleaned up and she realises even her makeup from the night before was removed. she takes the painkiller and heads to the couch where she pulls her phone out to text shiu.

t. fushiguro : i need to fuck my roommate shiu 🐾 : girl, that's gay t. fushiguro : ...

it becomes unbearable for toji to be around you. her once 'super nice!' roommate becomes the star of every single one of her wet dreams. it doesn't even take a lot from you for toji to bite her fist in frustration.

you wearing a checked apron ? wet. you kissing her cheek goodbye ? horny. you passed out on the couch snoring ? she wants to eat you.

you were just so fucking cute.

she also starts wishing that you stopped becoming comfortable around her. just the other day, she was grabbing a quick bite from the kitchen when she's met with the sight of you wrapped in a fluffy turkey towel coming out of your shared bathroom.

"t-toji!" you yelp in surprise with her sudden presence. her heart beats so hard, as you come closer. your hair dripping wet, bare faced and a soft smile painted on your lips. the towel doesnt do much. its wrapped tightly around your breasts and she can see the soft peaks of your nipples. the towel was also way too short to cover your glistening thighs. fuck.

she thinks about the way you looked that one time as her fingers push deeper into her cunt. she tries not to think of you like that. you were too sweet to be the main character of her perverted fantasies. she imagines your eyes screwed tightly as she fucks deeper into you with her strap. she imagines every single one of her wildest fantasies.

would you bite ? would you scratch ? she thinks how delicious the drag of your manicured nails against her back would feel ? would you cry ? sob as she plays with your pretty clit ? she wants you under her already.

all of her fantasies manifests into existence on a normal saturday. she comes home to you seated in the dining table, with your lips pursed. you barely notice that toji's back home, mind clearly distressed.

"everything alright roomie ?" she asks, startling you. your eyes widen animatedly and you gasp.

"toji!" you take a deep breath in, "we need to talk."

fuck, toji thinks to herself. you probably found evidence of her debauchery somehow and wanted her to leave.

she clambers over to you and takes a seat, palms clammy. "y'er scaring me, doll."

you shake your head, anguished. "toj' we can't be roommates anymore..." you drop your head down, like a kicked puppy.

"oh."

"is it because you found my stash of your stolen pant—" "i am attracted to you toj—"

HUH

your mouth hangs, jaw dropped. toji is quick to turn red. she curses her stupid mouth. why didn't she wait till you talked ?

"you STOLE my panties ?"

"you are attracted to ME ?"

both of you fall silent. situation way out of both your hands.

"we should fuck now, obviously."

"you can't just say that !!"

toji had imagined you in 38 positions, 53 different outfits and 120 separate plot lines all involving you with your eyes rolled up your head with pleasure.

none of those fantasies even came close to the feeling of you sat on her lap, rubbing yourself against her thighs, your mewls don't go unnoticed as she bites your nipples, soft cries echoing through the room.

your nails raked against her naked back, eyes crossed in the simple pleasure of her thigh getting you off. she could feel you throbbing through the thin layer of frilly pink panties that you still had on.

you stop and look at toji, she almost worries that you don't want to continue this little game.

"toooji," you sound drunk, eyes lidded, "please let me taste you."

toji has you on your knees, carpet rubbing against your soft skin. her legs are sprawled out to the sides of your head, you vision looking straight at her pussy. she looks at you, elbows supporting her just so she can watch you try to give her head.

you start off slow, kissing her sensitive inner thighs. you take your time to press your lips softly against body, moist with arousal and sweat from the sweltering heat.

with precision, you lick a strong stripe along her slit. this action is enough to pull the softest sounding gasp from toji. you pull back, strands of her arousal attached to your lips. you calm your beating heart and try to ignore the way toji looks at you.

"go on, you were begging for this." she mocks you. you slowly use your fingers to spread her lips apart, a resounding squelch bounces off the walls.

"you are so wet toji....," you sigh dreamily as you press your lips to her clit. toji's hands make way to your head and pulls your hair, making you moan into her skin.

"y'er so nasty, so dirty for me, only me right baby ?" you nod and begin to make out with her cunt. you begin to drool as you taste her, the tanginess of her juices igniting your brain on fire.

you cry out together with her when you push your tongue into her pulsing hole, fluttering around the wet muscle that invades. she groans, pushing your head impossibly closer to her cunt.

you continue to eat her out, till her thighs begin to shake from exhaustion. you suddenly stop, looking up at toji with the widest doe eyes she's ever seen.

"please use me toji, wanna make you feel good."

that's all she needs to hear before she drags you back to her cunt, this time her hips grinding against your face. your nose bumps into her clit and she reels you in deeper.

"fuck, doll," she whispers, "i'm so fucking close." you hold on to her thighs as she fucks your mouth. your tongue is strained from the attention you give her, the wetness of her arousal like music to your ears. she does not pull you off when she squirts, painting your face with her juices.

your pants create clouds of heat against her skin, face flushed and content. suddenly you are flipped, eye to eye with toji caging you beneath her. her tits, enormous as they are, all for you to take in with your eyes hangs above you. there's a glint in her gaze that tells you that she's going to devour you.

"now, my turn."

toji has you in a mean mating press, as she fingers you. she grabs you and holds you close with a single hand on your waist. you know very well tomorrow you would wake up with the bruises of her rough padded fingers blooming on your skin. your legs ache from their bent position on her muscled shoulders.

"toooooji," you whine as you feel her spit on your cunt, "m' sensitive." you tremble with over sensitivity. your teeth clatters as she brings you closer to another orgasm, thumb working quickly against your sticky clit. she grins victoriously at your ruined state, makeup running down in streams as you look at her with stars in your eyes.

"fuck! don't look at me like that." she grunts as she shoves her thick fingers deeper into your aching cunt. she looks at the base of her knuckles, rings of your creamy release making her grow wetter with the anticipation of your release.

"baby, please, let me use my strap on you." she nearly begs, voice scratchy with need. you whine with embarrassment, eyes prickling with tears of humiliation as you nod.

"use your words," she taps your sloppy pussy. "tell me what exactly you want."

"stop teasing me..." you mewl, "please fuck me with your strap toji." you say with our fingers covering your eyes, streaming in vision of toji's satisfied face.

toji has you arched, ass rippling as she fucks into you with her emerald green strap. she grinds her hips against you. she bends over, hands massaging your tits and the way you would whimper whenever she rubbed your nipples between your fingers fell on deaf ears.

"atta girl, move against me just like that," she grouses as you throw slow circles against the strap. you feel her reach all the way up to your gut, the stretch nearly splitting you into half.

"hah! ngh—," you moan as you feel her bully her strap against your g-spot, nestled all the way in you, "—s'too much toj!" you try to say as you run from her strap. her pelvis bruises your ass with the force of her unforgiving thrusts. she cackles at your plight, suddenly flipping you to your side so she can fuck deeper.

the angle she has you in makes you feel like youve ascended heaven, the mean grind against your poor cunt as she slams her strap in a way that no one could withstand. all hours of her working out in the gym were paying off as she sees you sob, praying for release.

the plap-plap in the room doesn't stop until you squirt all over her strap, making a mess of your pink sheets.

"fuck! baby, that was amazing," she whispers at the wetness dripping off her body, she didnt know you could squirt. you crawl away from her before she grabs your ankle and pulls you back against her body again, "— awww baby, you didn't think that was all, right ?" she fills you up until you can't breathe, the wind knocked out of your lungs.

"once more, you can do it—" you can almost feel her throb, "fuck, you look so pretty." this time she brings her nimble fingers to work on your pretty clit, sticky and gooey as she rubs circles on it.

"i'm so close !—" you cry out, her fast fingers making you taste your release. you cry out, eyes closed tightly from the pleasure of orgasming for the fifth time that night. she whistles as you squirt again, body giving up from the buzzing between your legs. your lashes flutter ready for a quick nap.

"i love ya' toji." you mumble out as you fall asleep, feeling toji pull out. her cleaning you up is all a fuzz, wet cloth wiping away all the fluids using your body as a canvas. you swear on life that at some point, she whispers a 'i love you too baby.' but you chalk it up wishful thinking.

when you wake up from your nap, you see toji on the bed next to you opening up a package. she looks happy, small smile on her scarred lip. she's still half naked, wearing a green satin robe left untied. she looks beautiful as the moonlight hits her.

"oh, you up? " she says as she holds the scissors in her mouth to use her hands to rip off the tape.

"what do you have there ?" she doesn't reply until she brings out the product.

its curved, pink and looks like a double ended dildo with ridges on them.

"pink is your favourite colour right ?"

[etherealyoungk]

thoughts about mingyu when you're on your period

this is like the perfect time for me to answer this rn bc i am suffering atm

this man is spoiling you and taking care of you on your period. also would kinda be slightly confused about you being moody and a little snappy to him but will understand and still shower you with love nonetheless.

you're in cramping and in pain? he's getting you a hot water bottle and reheating it for you as many times. "but baby this is still hot", he says when you ask him to heat it again. "it's not hot enough", you say, looking at him, buried under all the blankets. "but..it's still hot", he says, loooking at you confused. "it's not hot enough gyu", you complain and he just nods and comes back a few mintutes later. will also joke about why you're using a hot water bottle when he's right here, saying he'll be your personal heater and just be ready to cuddle and hold you.

craving something? this man is ready to whip up a 5-star course for you. but when you go to the kitchen and find out you don't have any more peanut butter you go back to find mingyu and tell him rather disappointed about the lack of peanut butter in the house. he offers to go buy some but you don't want him to leave and he's confused because you want peanut butter...but you also don't want him to go buy it. so he decides to make you some and it's worth all the praise he gets for it, seeing you happily eat it with a smile.

it's cold so you're wearing his hoodie and you find him sitting in his room doing some work and just pout at him wanting some cuddles. he says he'll come in 5 minutes, he just needs to finish this up and you're curled up in bed, scrolling through your phone and 5 minutes have turned into 30 minutes and you're getting a little moody and grumpy now. after what seems like an eternity mingyu finally enters the room and smiles while you're just glaring at him, ignoring his presence as you look into your phone. "i thought someone said five minutes", you tell, looking at him as the bed dips as he sits down, looking down. "i know, im sorry babe, i got caught up", he tells. "well i don't need cuddles anymore so you can go continue what you were doing", you tell, grumpy, crossing your arms and giving him an annoyed look. he understands you're a little sensitive and moody now. "come on, i know you can't resist my cuddles hm?", he prompts but you just look at him and shake your head. "i don't need them now", you tell again. "but i want cuddles, you'll give me some cuddles?", he asks. you look at him and finally give in. "fine...only because you want it", you tell and he chuckles, quickly but gently pulling you closer, placing a soft kiss to your forehead. "you're so stubborn", he mumbles. "and you're an idiot", you add, still not ready to give in but you were very happy right now because you really did want mingyu's cuddles.

if you're struggling to sleep because of the pain and cramps, he'll rub gentle circles on your back. is more than ready to make you a cup of hot chocolate at 2am in the night and will shush you if you apologize.

[imafraidoftomorrow]

I need to lament into the void rn so please keep scrolling if you don't want to hear (my) melodramatic bullshit.

I've been struggling really badly for a long while now. Like, really badly. My loneliness and general dissatisfaction for my life have been eating me alive, and I'm not in a good place in any aspect. I won't go into details because I am under no misconceptions that anyone actually cares about me, but everything as of late has led to me grappling with a really tough thought.

I'm 28 years old now and I have absolutely no prospects. Lately, I've been wondering if I would have the resolve to ever go through with a marriage of convenience.

If I were to find someone - just one person, anyone at all - who was willing to take me, could I go through with marrying them for the sake of getting out of my situation? For the sake of escaping poverty? For the sake of a dual income that might allow me to pay down my medical debt? For better health insurance? For lower taxes? For a chance to have my own home? For a chance to actually be touched by someone, and to not go to bed alone every night crying? To feel like I'm actually kinda sorted wanted even a little bit?

Could I do it? Even if I didn't love that person in earnest? Even if they maybe physically repulsed me? Even if it wasn't the romance that apparently everyone else except me gets to have? Could I suck it up and settle if it meant having a normal fucking life that I didn't feel so goddamn ashamed of? If it meant being able to help out my mother financially?

Could I sign myself away in exchange for a more secure life? Could I sell my heart, body, and future? Could I?

[allisonlol]

BSD MEN WHEN YOU HUG YOUR PLUSHIE/PILLOW INSTEAD OF THEM AHHHH IVE BEEN THINKING OF YHIS SINCE FIREVER

a/n: BRO this is so cute?? picked some of my favorite boys for it. ALSO have y'all seen the season 4 trailer?? literally still shaking from it, i am so so happy :D !! jumped around my room screaming cuz i'm a bit unhinged for it

but what i'm NOT so happy about is my ipad completely breaking out of nowhere?? (chuuya's beautifulness in the trailer broke it) so im writing this with my laptop?? sad but at least i can type faster >:)

warnings: NONE just absolute fluff

(Chuuya, Ranpo, Nikolai, Jouno) When You Hug Your Plushie Instead of Them

Chuuya

so chuuya had recently bought you a plushie that you'd been fawning over cuz it was the cutest thing ever (after him, ofc)

litte did he know that it would soon replace him-

that night, chuuya smiled at you when he noticed you hugging the plushie while scrolling on your phone before bed

but he quickly got fed up when he realized you just?? weren't going to cuddle with him too??

regrets buying you that thing REAL quick

nudges your arm and tries to get your attention but you just shoot him a smile and go back to your phone

chuuya's patience meter is miniscule so now he's pissed off (at the plushie tho?? not at you)

does that thing where he'll just sit there and keep sighing dramatically until you ask what's wrong smh

once you do, he's like "NOTHING'S WRONG" but avoids looking you in the eye and instead looks past you or down at the sheets?? and that's when you know he's upset 🤕

you move the plushie aside and open your arms to hug him instead

ngl you knew he wanted to cuddle but thought it would be funny to tease him... APOLOGIZE RN

bro glares at you?? he's trying to give you the cold shoulder but fails and smiles softly cuz you look so cute

grabs you and has a vice grip on you the rest of the night- also probably kicks the plushie to the floor when ur not looking

Ranpo

ranpo is a cuddle bug who wants ALL of your attention on him

so it's safe to say he's not very happy that u have found...something else to hug

ranpo had arrived home late due to detective work, so you'd already fallen asleep while waiting for him

except you struggle to sleep now without hugging something (since you're so used to doing that with him). so you simply grabbed one of ur plushies to hold instead

literally shakes you awake so frantically you think there's an emergency

you're all like "what's going on!! :0" & then bro makes it sound like ur cheating on him??

"i can't believe you would abandon me for...for THAT thing!!!!" points his finger at you all accusingly and everything

snatches the plushie from you and throws it across the room >:0

will then proceed to plop down next to you and just. not speak 😐😐

^ignores your protests as you get up to grab the plushie and gives you the nastiest side eye?? childish i stg

you sigh and prop the plushie at the end of the bed so you can crawl up next to ranpo and wrap your arms around him

he finally stops pouting and melts into ur touch 😽

AAAA I CAN FINALLY USE GIFS FOR THEM

Nikolai

worse than ranpo. like significantly

you'd gone to take a nap and had instinctively fallen asleep hugging ur favorite plushie

nikolai was doing who knows what but ended up entering the room about an hour later

stops dead in his tracks when he sees you...hugging...something ELSE?!

doesn't wake you at first. sneaks over to peer over ur shoulder at what you're holding

partially relieved to see it's just a plushie, but also partially mad because um?? why wasn't it him??

doesn't even bother waking you. just straight up yanks it out of your grasp 💀

you wake up in a panic with this mf LOOMING over you

probably rips it's head off???? or at least threatens to

pls you're lowkey about to cry cuz that's your comfort plushie 😥😥

you literally gotta scramble out of bed and beg him not to destroy it

does the thing where he holds it over ur head but dangles it just out of reach. and this mf is tall asf so good luck with that -.-

you end up just grabbing his arm and pulling his dumbass back to the bed to cuddle him instead

Jouno

ok ngl you did this on purpose to piss him off

i don't blame you cuz it be funny when he's ticked off

you and jouno had been preparing for bed when u decided to play a lil prank on him

it was mostly just to see if he'd even have a reaction?? cuz we all know this man either doesn't give a fuck or he goes off the rails

you'd gotten into bed first and while waiting for him, snatched the plushie you keep on your side and snuggled up next to it

u close ur eyes when you hear him walking into the room and pretend to be falling asleep

his footsteps stop by the bed and he just stands there like 😑???? cuz he can tell by your heartbeat that you're still awake, yet he's wondering why you haven't acknowledged his presence??

so i mean right off the bat this mf knows something's up

gets in bed next to you but goes OUT OF HIS WAY to make sure y'all are not touching in any way petty asf

can tell by the way you're positioned that you're hugging something else close to you

you peek open ur eyes to shoot him a glance but he has the most unreadable expression i stg

internally he is like WHY NOT ME WHY NOT ME but no one else would be able to tell~

by now he's figured out that ur messing with him and does NOT take it lightly. literally sleeps with his back to you and won't acknowledge you until morning

taglist: @deadmitochondria @miycutie @scul-pted @chuuyasboots @shy-socially-awkward-intovert @beandaifuku @sonder-paradise @nervousyetconfidentway @beautiful-is-boring @irethepotato @serenareiss

[saeyoungs-angel]

Hey lovely, if you don’t have too many asks id like to request shota or denki with a partner that struggles with depression, mainly with taking care of them selves in this. like hygiene, getting out of bed or doing anything really. denki or shota help them do little things that. i think you know what i mean so just write it how ever you want or don’t, if you are uncomfortable with this.

⨳​ punctilious — mha

starring. aizawa & you

plot. you may think you’re slick, but your boyfriend pays attention to everything. this includes the lack of care that you’ve shown yourself, recently.

genre. comfort, fluff

cw. mentions of depressive episodes and depressive behaviors

notes. god i am so sorry it took me so long to get to this, my writers block is so fuckin bad rn but i managed to finish it! i hope u see this since i cant tag u and idk if ur following me but if u do then i hope u enjoy it:)

likes, reblogs, and comments are always appreciated! <3

𓆩☆𓆪

“(y/n), this is the fourth day in a row that you’ve slept in so late.”

you grumble in your half-asleep state, swiftly snatching the blanket he had so rudely stolen from over you. you tuck it back underneath your weary arms and roll away from aizawa.

huffing, you reply in a slurry manner. “tired, shota. didn’t get enough sleep.”

he hums, tilting above you to reach your furrowed eyebrows—he softly thumbs the crease forming in between them.

“stop that, you’ll look old.” he chides, feeling a bit hopeless with your attitude. he knows very well that your sleeping pattern has been through the ringer this past week, and he also knows he can’t force you to fix it.

that said, he still stubbornly wants to try.

“hey, sweetheart. if you get up now, we’ll go to a cat cafe. how’s that sound?”

your eyes fly open, only to dim moments after.

“not feelin’ it today, sorry sho.”

now, aizawa isn’t surprised by much, but this? this has him reeling on the inside. you never turn down an invite to a cafe, let alone one filled with cats.

something is amiss, definitely. though he’d like to speak with you about it directly, he’s worried that you’ll close yourself off even more—it’s not like you never confide in him, but you’re obviously keeping something from him.

he decides to let you rest, offering him enough time to consider his options.

when the sun begins to set, aizawa grows concerned. why are you sleeping so late now? with only solicitous thoughts of you clouding his mind, he shuffles quickly towards your shared bedroom.

creaking the door open, he finds the lights still untouched. “sweetheart?”

his eyes adjust, tracing the outline of your face that’s illuminated by your phone light—which isn’t very bright, probably because you’ve been in the dark all day long.

“hm? oh, sorry. i got stuck on social media.” you end your excuse with a light laugh, not even inching to shut of the device while your eyes lay on him.

he shakes his head and dismisses your words, moving to seat himself on the edge of the bed closest to you. he grasps your hand in his, smiling at you in concern.

“you haven’t been out of the room today, you know? it’s eight o’clock already.”

his voice brings silence with it, you averting your eyes as you can sense what’s ahead of you. scrolling on your phone, you distract yourself unsuccessfully.

“is there something you want to tell me?”

your scrolling pauses for a brief moment, just before you regain yourself and continue. your heart is by your feet and you have no idea where you should take the conversation now.

“i’m—i, uh. fuck, sho. i’m having trouble, alright? that’s all, and i’ll be okay in time. don’t worry about me, please.”

the last sentence drops from your lips and aizawa worries more than ever—those words always come from someone that needs to be worried about.

“quit it. i’m here to help you, not scold you or something. i’m your boyfriend, (y/n), not your mother. i can’t do anything if you refuse my help, but i’m asking you to let me help you.”

your scrolling doesn’t pause this time, it ceases completely. you shut off your phone, the room dimming before you reach for the lamp and switch it on. your vision is a bit blurry and you’re trembling ever-so-slightly, but you respond.

“okay.” with a shaky voice, you nod your head in extra confirmation.

aizawa’s lips turn upwards just lightly, “then it’s a deal. just one more thing, though. i need you to work with me, you have to try, alright? i’ll be here with you for every step, but i need you here as well.”

that’s how it started, you and aizawa both working to turn your episode upside down. two is better than one, right?

“hey, time to get up. i gave you an extra hour, so i expect a kiss after you shower and brush your teeth.”

you sneer, hating the fact that he knows you would’ve preferred to stay in bed and skip those things.

“why not now?” your tone is playful, yet he answers you honestly.

“because it’ll also be a reward for you, sweetheart. now get up, we’re going for coffee.”

the moment the toothpaste reaches your mouth, you gag lightly. after some time without tasting it, the feeling it leaves on your tongue is unfamiliar—aizawa is immediately by your side, brushing his teeth with you.

staring at him through the wide mirror, you smile to yourself. having someone next to you doing the exact same thing effortlessly may not be super comforting, but as he smiles back towards you the world seems just a bit brighter.

he snags your attention through the reflective surface, pointing from you to himself. your eyes leer on him as he counts on his fingers to a certain number, then switches his toothbrush to the other side. he wants you to repeat it, that much you can tell.

as you follow his actions, you turn it into a tiny game for yourself. thirty seconds, done. thirty seconds, done. thirty seconds, done. thirty seconds, aaand completely done.

“that wasn’t so hard, right angel?” he smiles down at you as you flip him off sarcastically.

“actually, it’s easier than i remember it. that might be because you’re here, though.”

critical hit, 98 damage dealt to shota aizawa!

𓆩☆𓆪

feedback is extremely meaningful!

[lotti-lyric]

Hola! I saw your post and I wanted to request a romantic matchup! I would very much prefer a male U-A student (if you can make that possible).

Ok so I am a female, and I am 5’9 (ik I’m that one tall kid lol). I have long brown hair/curls (like very curly). I would like to call myself an ambivert because one minute I can be chill and just relaxing my bed, and the next minute I could be bouncing of walls. I am a Scorpio (and some how a mix of Libra). I am Demisexual but I do prefer males/he/him. I have brown eyes that are usually dark, but kinda light up in the sun. I’m a minor teenager! I wouldn’t say I’m big, but I’m definitely not skinny either, so probably more on the curvy side. I have skinny legs, and skinny arms but wider thighs (and dare I say it, stomach rolls).

My dress style is kinda weird. Like one day I could wear all black, and the next I could be in a mix match mood. However I do prefer the dark/light academia aesthetic.

Ok my personality is a lot of things, I can be very sweet at most times but I have probably one of the shortest tempers in the world. Whenever somebody gives me attitude, I tend to reflect their attitude and give them the same one back. I try to avoid lying as much as possible, but I am very sarcastic. In school I am mostly known for my sweet and sassy character (mostly for laughs lol). I am socially awkward, and I (unfortunately) do have anxiety that puts me into bad moods sometimes. If there is a friend group, believe it or not; I’m the mother of the group. Sometimes I can be a control freak, but I tend to realize days later. I do like being the sender of attention (in the good way).

I have an obsession to listening to music. At random timss of the day, I will pop on my Bluetooth earphones and begin dancing. I like pop music (preferably Ariana Grande), Rnb music, and music in my saved TikTok sounds.

If I know somebody very well I get very comfy around them. Idc how preppy my clothes are out in public, at home I like to slip into an oversized shirt/hoodie, some comfortable pj shorts, and some high top socks.

My favorite season is Summer cause I for some reason love to be in the pool.

If I’m mad, I promise you if you give me some food (preferably Italian) I’ll forget our entire fight. I am also a huge chocolate lover.

I constantly search and wonder everyday how I will be able to achieve my dream job of becoming an actress. It’s absolutely my dream career, and I really hope to pursue it.

I cuddle with my pillow at night, because the thought of having someone next to you, comforting and holding you is my dream :(

When I’m bored I scroll through TikTok, instead of really making them.

I’m always flipping or dancing if you ever see me. I’ve been dancing since I was very little, and I got into gymnastics a couple years ago (unfortunately I had to quit cause of covid)

I’m not much a fearful person as I get older, the only thing that really scares me is death. I can watch horror movies like Chucky (cause he’s LOWKEY kinda funny), but Lord knows that you should never show me Annabelle. If you show me something scary, at night I will be clinging onto you shaking and begging you to turn some kind of light on.

Although I can tend to be lazy sometimes, I’m actually a very active person.

I sing, dance, act (you know the whole performance arts package).

I find humor, and kindness the most attractive thing in a person. I also kinda like people that can be sweet or fiery (you know getchu comebody who can do both).

I’m sorry for so much reading, this is my first time doing this. I hope this dosen’t make you struggle, so take your time! Luv you <3

charlottes interlude 💗- hi!! so i’m probably going to begin repeating characters if i feel it’s the best match!! but all the headcanons will be personalized and different so don’t worry, nothing really changed!! sorry for the delay loves, i’ve had class for 9 hours today (im still in class rn oops🧍🏼‍♀️)! i hope you enjoy, have a great one!! you seem so fun!

warnings; swearing, anxiety mention

i match you with…

Hitoshi Shinsou!!

- this for you both!! ^^

- absolutely loves everything about you!! you’re the most stunning person he’s ever seen and he’s not afraid to make sure others know that

- so expect a hand always around your waist

- he loves being surprised by your style each day! it’s become a game for him to message you his guess for ur aesthetic every morning!!

- crashing in comfy outfits in his dorm with him just holding you while ur playlist blasts on your speakers 💗 its so ethereal

- he loves how sweet you can be but also finds your attitude super cute!! he’s a pretty mellow guy but can also match the snarky, sarcastic energy you give him, leading to a lot of playful banter

“Can’t wait to absolutely decimate you for all you’re worth in Mario Kart later Toshi 🤪”

“Ohhh tsk tsk, in your dreams sweetheart, that mushroom cup has always belonged to me”

- he’s honestly such a sweet guy but ur humor aligns so well it’s so CHAOTIC

- always makes sure to help you any way you need if you feel anxious, even if it’s just through cuddles!! he loves your caring nature but he also loves to spoil you and give u a lot of attention!!

- he cannot dance. he loves watching you dance though!! he’s so amazed by what you can do!! he’ll try if you ask him, he wants to sweep you off your feet 💗 doesn’t mean he’ll be good though 💀

- have y’all slept with all the lights on after a horror movie binge?? absolutely 💀 worth it though

- loves to watch you preform!! you just light up UGH you’re his star GOODBYE

[angelayag]

3 a.m. Doomscrolling

It was 3 a.m. in the morning, and she was in a dark, cold place with only her phone lighting the room. She was lying comfortably in her bed, snuggling with her body pillow, and feeling the warmth of her soft blanket wrapped around her. Before this, she made a promise to herself that she would fix her sleeping schedule as her online class starts at 7 a.m. and she didn’t want to feel droopy for the entirety of her class, but here we are again repeating the same cycle that she always does, scrolling through social media without noticing or even caring how much time has passed. It seems like the internet has consumed her life, from sunrise to sunset. She couldn’t even eat without some sort of entertainment video to watch; now, it even devours her time of rest.

Despite her being on her phone the entire day, you would think that she would eventually get bored and tired of web surfing, but no, it seems like her scrolling through the internet never stops. She had fallen into the rabbit hole of doomscrolling, and that "she" was me. 

Yeah, I know that I have a serious problem, as is evident from how I relate to the meme that I am looking at right now, which is a clown looking at the mirror and telling themselves that they are "definitely" going to fix their sleeping schedule. I just had to share this post with the caption "literally me rn" because the timing of this meme is just impeccable. Now, on to scrolling through Facebook once again. 

Facebook is a platform with multigenerational users, as people from all walks of life have gathered in this app. We have boomer folks who post inspirational quotes about not judging a book by its cover, along with a sketchy article of a supposed rumor about a celeb. We have younger pals who questionably may have violated Facebook’s terms of service due to the age limit, but here they are posting about their love life struggles at a very young age but also gullible enough to believe that Slender Man actually exists. We sure have wildcard characters that we can encounter on this app. 

As I scroll through Facebook, I see memes, photos of my FB friends, with whom I haven't even shared a word or two in real life, and fake news articles about politicians. I’m not even going to look at the comments, as it will surpass my low expectations about their comprehension. Through these seas of posts, something caught my eye, and that was Donalyn Bartolme’s birthday party with a "kalye" theme.

A rich person cosplaying as poor as a theme for a birthday party is definitely a controversial move and a guarantee of cancellation, at least to some. She claimed that she only did that to commemorate her past struggles before fame. Scrolling through comments, it seems like I share the same sentiment as people outside of Donalyn’s fanbase. Her action was incredibly tone deaf, as the hardships of poor people aren’t just decorations that only stay on certain occasions; they have to live with that struggle every single day. I presume, one of the side effects of being an influencer is losing a grasp of reality. 

This made me lose hope for humanity. Nevermind, I just saw a post about the COVID-19 case numbers going up. I mean, this isn’t necessarily new, as everyday COVID patients keep multiplying, but this made my frustration about the birthday thing insignificant. Weirdly enough, this realization did stop me from scrolling through Facebook. However, determined to make myself feel better, a quick scroll through Tiktok might do the trick. 

Tiktok is a haven for short-form video content. But even if the videos there take seconds to watch, it sure takes hours of your time as it easily spews out personal feeds for you to keep entertained. You can encounter various creators there from every genre or hobby imaginable as it tries to appeal to audiences with certain niches.

As I’m scrolling through Tiktok, I come across videos of comedy skits, fun facts, thirst traps, fan edits of my favorite fictional characters, interesting talents such as puppeteers and magicians, and tarot card reading, which I’m not a believer in yet still find intriguing. It seems like all is well; I am here having a good time until I came across this video of a guy, mad that the upcoming game Grand Theft Auto VI is becoming "woke" by adding a female character as a protagonist of their game.

Imagine boycotting a game just because it didn’t align with your wrapped-up view of society. The comments only ignite the fire even more as they make sexist comments, changing the way they look at the game franchise when the game is literally just about recklessly committing crimes.

But it only got worse from there, as my feed recommended a clip from one of those "alpha" male podcasts and introduced me to Andrew Tate. The clip in question is him talking about how men are allowed to cheat but women aren’t. I went to his profile, perplexed by his comment, only to find video after video of his misogyny, such as saying that the value of women decreases the more men she sleeps with or that women's only purpose is to serve men. His words were regarded as scripture in his fanbase, which is alarming considering that most of his fans are just teenage boys. Even with this, I was still invested in him, even as far as knowing information that wasn’t necessary to know, like how he used to be a professional kickboxer or that he was arrested for human trafficking.

Baffled by the negativity I’ve inflicted upon myself, why not add more fuel to the fire by visiting twitter next. 

Twitter is essentially microblogging, where you're free to post what’s on your mind, opinions you want to share, or just what is currently happening in your life with a 280-character limit. Your text, known as a "tweet," is broadcast across the platform and can be found by the masses, who can add their own comment about the thing you just tweeted in the form of quote tweeting or by simply replying under the post.

Twitter is a platform for free speech. As I scroll through it, various tweets pop up, some of which are from my friends but primarily from online strangers. What do we have here? Funny jokes, rants, social happenings, and of course horrible takes. 

I have yet again found myself spiraling over a post. It started with one user's post on how they have finally gotten better in terms of their mental health. This was quote tweeted by another user, who stated that their post was offensive due to the “poor” timing of the tweet since the war between Russia and Ukraine was happening simultaneously. This created a public discourse whether the initial tweet was distasteful or not.  

Reading the comments on these posts has exposed me to one dubious take after another. Some replies might have been satirical, but since when did having stable mental health make you lose empathy? Stable mental health simply means that you can handle your well-being better, but it doesn't prevent you from showing concern for others. Thankfully, most people share the same sentiment as me. I'm not sure why this argument was brought up in the first place. And why do I still keep engaging with it despite its obviously dumb take?

At this moment, you may begin to notice a pattern of deliberately consuming negative posts and aimlessly migrating from one social media platform to another. It all starts when the mind goes into autopilot mode, making you scroll out of habit, triggered by negativity bias, making you notice a baffling post more than a positive one, diving deeper into the said post, facing the possibility of disregarding or ignoring relevant information that does not back up how you feel, feeling frustrated afterwards, going through another social media app in the hopes of lifting your mood up, thus starting the vicious cycle once again.

This phenomenon, referred to as "doomsurfing," but more commonly known as "doomscrolling," has arisen during the pandemic as more and more people have been experiencing the compulsive urge to endlessly scroll through their social media feeds and heavily focus on the upsetting or generally negative information. This can be caused by FOMO (fear of missing out), negativity bias, uncertainty, and a lack of self-control.

“Doomscrolling occurs when you realize you’ve landed on a story and have no idea how you got there. You can’t remember why you even got on your phone in the first place, but now you’re reading hundreds of comments or retweets of someone you don’t even follow,” is how Tess Brigman, a psychotherapist and coach, describe this phenomenon, which perfectly encapsulates the authentic experience and meaning of doomscrolling.

Due to the discrepancy that doomscrolling brings, it can definitely have its effects, such as apprehension, fear, and distress, which lead to burnout and damage the general mood and well-being of a person. Taking it to the extreme takes a toll on mental health, which triggers anxiety and depression, which in turn affects sleep, appetite, and motivation and disrupts work, time with family and friends, and lastly, passion.

Holding social media companies responsible is a way of calling out action to doomscrolling, one article suggests, as their business model is an algorithm designed to catch the attention of users, thus increasing engagement. This means that the more you click on dumb or concerning posts, the more likely it is that you’ll receive the same kind of content the next time you visit the app. Legal monitoring and regulation of social media businesses may improve platform accountability, boost the transparency of their algorithmic processes, and enable users to reject personalization and profiling.

With all this, the most effective way to cut back on doomscrolling is to improve oneself. You can start by setting a time limit for yourself to monitor and minimize the hours of your screen time. You can do this by setting it up yourself, or for those with a lack of self-control, download apps that do similar functions. Unfollowing accounts that cause stress will help you declutter your feed from negativity. Setting the phone to send fewer notifications might also lessen the constant need to check our phones. If online, actively seek positive stories to balance out the negative ones. Ultimately, the most effective way to stray away from doomscrolling is to have leisure activities outside of social media, such as exercising, hanging out with friends and family, and doing what you're passionate about. Feeling overwhelmed by everything on the internet? Remember to refocus on the present moment.

Speaking of the present moment, my alarm just went off for 6 a.m. in the morning, one hour before my class. I didn’t sleep a wink last night; I have fallen down the rabbit hole of doomscrolling once again. Give it up to the author who can’t apply what she writes! She was blinded by the ray of sunlight as she opened the curtains, but she couldn't be blinded by the phone screen brightness that was on her face the entire time. This is the reality we both share, you and I. We’ve scrolled the internet up to the brink of oblivion; are you going to let it doom us all?

[depressedacadamia]

A kiss would be nice

Summary: Magnus develops feelings for his roomate and has no idea what to do; when theres' some serious miscommunication, Alex and Magnus have to solve an obvious problem.

Pairing:  Fierrochase

A/N: THIS WAS MY FIRST EVER REQUEST!!!!  I swear I'm gonna organise my Masterlist on tumblr coz its a hot mess rn and then I will get a prompt list up. Anyway, I hope this lives up to the expectations of the request- enjoy and comment!

Read on A03        M;List

Magnus liked Alex.

How exactly was he meant to process this?

Yes. Alex was sometimes a girl and other times a boy but what did it make him?

He could remember the moment Alex came floundering into his life, confident about who she was and Magnus could only think about how much he didn't know about himself. It was ridiculous, in his opinion, to think that he fundamentally changed as a person just because he liked someone.

So why did he feel so scared to come to that conclusion that he did in fact like Alex?

“What are you thinking so hard about over there, pretty boy?” Alex asked dryly as he scrolled through his phone while he dangled off the top bunk of their dormitory. Startled, Magnus snapped his head towards Alex and with no game whatsoever stuttered a terrible lie.

“Uh- Uh, nothing.”

“Uhu,” Alex emphasised. “ So that totally wasn't a lie.”

“Yes, Wait, I mean no- wait,” Magnus stuttered out again, his hands beginning to fidget and his palms becoming sweaty.

Alex simply raised an eyebrow before softly sighing and returning to his phone scrolling. He knew that Magnus wasn't the kind to keep secrets in a malicious manner- if he wasn't spilling something, it was because he didn't feel comfortable and Alex knew as well as anyone else that if Magnus was uncomfortable, nothing was spilling from his lips.

Clenching his fists in finality, Magnus got up, accidentally banging the top of his head on the top bunk above him where Alex was elegantly dangling off, his hair defying the laws of gravity by maintaining its rightful position on his head. He rubbed his head, swore under his breath and continued to make a bashful exit from the dorm room.

Alex could tell that something was definitely up.

Sure, Magnus was weird- he sometimes came back home at incredibly odd hours, always seemed relatively silent when one were to ask him where he had been and he almost always wore his lengthy blonde hair in a way that covered the majority of his face; in fact, Alex had thought about tilting his chin up just so he could get a better view of his elegant features.

So what exactly was it causing his roommate to act so oddly?

Magnus was in the bathroom. In fact he was hiding out in one of the stalls, trying his best to avud Alex at all costs. What had started out as a way to skip the horribly boring parts of his classes, now became a full blown ritual in which he would run away to his favourite bathroom stall- the one by the very end, next to the hand blow dryers, were his favourite but also alarmed him because it was there where he could hear whether anybody really washed their hands and there was an alarming amount of evidence which contradicted so.

He would take a book or sometimes just plug in his earphones to listen to music as he essentially hid out in the stall. Sometimes, when he felt a bit more confident- and knew Alex would be off campus- Magnus would hide out in the library; a much more comfortable and all round better smelling place to read, study and or listen to music.

But now as he slowly emerged from the stall after hours of sitting, heading back towards his room, Magnus could only feel this inevitable feeling of impending doom. He had managed to distract himself from the Alex situation for so long and now, he was about to crumble.

It was only a matter of time.

“Magnus?” A familiar and - dare I even say- dreaded voice asked him.

Glancing through the blonde locks of hair which curtained his face, he caught a glimpse of familiar green hair which he had been avoiding.

“Huh?” He managed to mumble.

Alex frowned. “Don’t ‘huh’ me. Where have you been? I’ve been calling you all day.”

Magnus’s eyes widened- he had left his phone on silent as he didnt want to deal with others. “I-you did? Sorry.”

“That doesn't matter now. Where have you bee- actually nevermind that as well, come on, we need to get back, it’s already late and I know you have an early class tomorrow.”

Magnus hesitated.

Alex noticed. He refused to stay silent about the matter any longer.

“Okay. Spit it out. “

“What!” Magnus stammered. “ Spi- spit what? Spit wh- what out exactly?”

“The reason you’ve been avoiding me? Did I forget to do my chores or something? Or did I accidentally make some sort of mess of your stuff?”

“No- No, of course not!”

“So?”

Magnus found himself too enamoured with Alex’s features to respond. He could feel the bubble bath slowly overflowing inside his mind. What did it mean if he liked Alex? Was he now a completely different person? What did it matter if he liked Alex?

Wasn't he just like everybody else?

But Magnus’ mind told him that it was so obvious that Alex was in fact not like everybody else, otherwise why was it Alex whom he couldn’t keep his eyes off of? If Alex was so like everyone else, why was it his eyes that Magnus always wanted to stare at, why was it Alex’s hair that Magnus always wanted to ruffle or Alex’s hand that he always wanted to hold?

Why was it always Alex whom he wanted to hug when he was having a bad day?

So when he looked back at Alex, he felt the overwhelming need to throw himself and wrap his arms around Alex so tightly that Alex would have trouble breathing and then - in Magnus’s perfect world- Alex would also wrap his arms around Magnus and they would hold each other in their arms and stand their leaning on each other.

“Nothing,” Magnmus mumbled as he came back to reality.

He walked past Alex, eager to get back to their dorm and just sleep his feelings away- something he was used to doing thanks to his years of being homeless. He wasn’t about to escape when a slender hand wrapped itself around his wrist and dragged him backwards.

“No.” Alex huffed almost angrily. “You’re not running away from me,not again.”

Magnus could have sworn- looking back- that he may have let out a squeak.

“You are avoiding me Mister and I’d like to know why. It’s bad enough that you spend all your time hiding in the bathroom stalls, it’s even worse that you're doing it to avoid someone as fabulous as myself. So if we could quickly get this over with, It would be greatly appreciated and I’m sure it would relieve your nostrils as well.”

“I-”

“You…?”Alex prompted.

“Ilikeyou.”

Alex paused, scrunched up his nose before raising an eyebrow in ridicule and letting out a laugh. And while Magnus truly believed there was nothing more beautiful than Alex’s smile, right now, it was the most damning thing he had ever seen.

Of course Alex would be laughing! Who wouldn't be laughing if some weedy, shady blond kid confessed their feelings for them in the most pathetic way possible!

Magnus had no other choice but to clench his fists to resist the burning sensation gathering in his eyes as he turned on his heel and hurried back to his dorm.

He was curled up on his bed, binging criminal minds on his laptop because what else was meant to comfort you after getting rejected if it wasn’t watching people getting brutally murdered by psychopaths and sadists?

He was wrapped with this specific episode- involving a bunch of very explicit murder- when Alex snatched his headphones right off his head plopped himself in the computer chair that rested right next to the bottom bunk where Magnus had been hiding out.

He could feel himself paling as he remembered that he lived with Alex.

“We need to talk.”

What? He was so sick of Alex making every decision, afterall- it was Alex who chose to laugh at him.

“We have nothing to talk about,” Magnus managed to snap back.

“Why do you keep avoiding me? First in our own dorm, then in public and now you don't even want to look at me.”

“I’m sorry,” He retorted, his words coated with so much sarcasm, had there been anymore, he may have become Samirah at that very moment. “Was I expected to hang around after being ridiculed?”

“Ridiculed? What do you mea-”

“-What do I mean? I guess you wouldnt understand what it feels like for someone whom you really really like to outright just laugh at you after confessing. I guess you don't know how- how nerve racking and horrible it is to not feel comfortable and safe wherever you go. I guess you were privileged enough to not deal with doubting yourself with every decision you make and every thought you have!”

Alex started. “I-”

“-No. I’m not finished. Do you know how that made me feel?” Magnus was on a roll. “ Like shit. I felt shitty. I felt like shit and I was curled up like a bratty 5 year old and do you know what I’ve realised? I’ve realised that I have nob reason to feel shitty because I'm not the one who was so insecure in myself that I laughed at someone else who was struggling, esepcially when I rejected a hot piece of ass such as myself!” He finished his ramble with a shout, his chest heaving, cheeks flushed and somehow, his hair messy.

“So,” Alex drawled causally. “ Am I allowed to speak now?”

“No.”

Rolling his eyes, Alex sooke anyway. “ I’m sorry that you feel this way and I guess I can't change that I was the person who made you feel like- well, shit, but I have to say Beantown, you really shouldn't assume things so quickly.”

Magnus frowned, turning his shiny, glossy eyes towards Alex finally. “Huh?”

“Well. If you were to give me a chance to explain, I’d be able to tell you that I laughed because I thought you looked adorable. I would be able to tell you that I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings in any way and I’m very sorry if I did and…”

Alex held Magnus’ chin, pulling his head a bit down so he was able to fully look him in the eye rather than just looking away under Magnus’ chin, forcing him to look him in the eye.

“And…?” Magnus whispered hesitantly, almost afraid of the answer.

“And, I would be able to tell you that I like you.” Alex smiled dopily.

Did Magnus hear that correctly? Did Alex Fierro- the most confident, and in Magnus’s eyes, the most attractive person out there just admit to liking the scraggly kid who used to live on the streets?

“Excuse me?”

Aex sighed. “I said that I like you and your … What was it you said?” He paused for dramatic effect because lighting up his eyes. “ Oh yes and your ‘hot piece of ass’ I believe it was.”

Magnus cringed at his previous words as he started at Alex. Alex fierro liked him!

“What?” Alex smirked on noticing Magnus’s innocent stare.

“Can I try something?” Magnus tilted his head to the side innocently. Alex nodded.

Yes, please do try something, A kiss would be nice.

But to Alex’s surprise, he felt Magnus’s arms being wrapped around his body. It was an odd sensation that at first made Alex want to reel backwards.

But then this familiar ignition in his stomach tugged him back to wrap his arms back around Magnus and bury his face in Magnus’s chest, just about reaching his collarbone.

The hug was brief. Perhaps not even longer than 15 seconds at a maximum, but it was enough for Magnus to feel better.

Alex decided that perhaps next time Magnus would kiss him.

Super cool people Taglist: @wisegirl773 @ddepressedbookworm

[touyota]

Catfish

☁ Summary: Tomura is hopeless when it comes to relationships, and soon that’s all subject to change. With the power of Tinder, Touya and one oblivious chick on his side, who knows what can happen. 

A/N: omgggg, i’ve lurked on my priv for the past year and finally decided to stop being a narc and post something. i haven’t written in forever and it shows lmao, but uh yeah pls give me feedback if you’d like. (also idk if this has been. done before, but sorryyy if it has)

☁ Pairing: Tomura Shigaraki x fem!Reader

☁ Warnings: Non-con/dub-con, manipulation, dumbfication (if you squint), slapping, yandere, catfishing 

"Fuck I'm horny." 

Tomura groaned into his pillow, conflicted with whether he should be agitated or turned on. Due to his third nap of the day being interrupted by the excessive lewd noises coming from the shared living room. Tomura's roommate, Touya, had no real understanding of boundaries and was often more bothersome than helpful. Still, without his portion of the rent, he'd be on the streets struggling to find an apartment within his meager budget.

"Keep fucking me, Touya-san!" The plea echoed through the thin walls of the shoddy apartment. At least someone was getting laid. The last time Tomura had gotten lucky was at an impromptu Halloween party thrown by Touya at the apartment. 

He went as Jason Vorhees using a dingy hockey mask he found in Touya's closet. The poor girl in question, who came dressed as an angel, was drunk out of her mind. She clung to Tomura's scrawny body incoherently, slurring about "How hot it would be to fuck a murderer." The fling hadn't lasted long before the young lady in question toppled over the side of his bed and hurled her entire cup of jungle juice onto the floor. Poor Tomura had to spend his night nursing her head over the toilet. Making a mental note to tell Touya that he couldn't invite any freshmen to their parties ever again.

Tomura ended up seeing her again in passing on campus, giving a small smile as she walked by. Only to be met with an eye roll as she turned to walk in the opposite direction. Fucking bitch... Other than that, Tomura had found himself too busy writing code, playing video games, and browsing Reddit to dedicate any time to dating. The polar opposite of his roomie Touya-san, a communications major whose schedule consisted of dating? If you considered fucking the same chick for a week before ghosting her dating, sleeping, and eating and drinking Tomura out of a house and home.

"You ready for my load? You're my little cum dump, right? Say you're my cum du-"

Speaking of fucking, Tomura's hard-on was starting to hurt, and what better way to relieve himself than to beat off to the action in the adjacent room. 

He started to palm himself over his sweats, erection already beginning to poke through. Figuring that he's teased himself enough, he lowered his boxers, allowing his cock to slap against his stomach, throbbing and angry. He slowly stroked himself, gathering the pre-cum spouting from the tip, and used it to lube the rest of his cock.

"Pleaseee fuck! I'm your little cum dump! I swear Touya!" 

Tomura started to stroke his cock faster, leaving a squelching noise with each stroke. He was barely managing to suppress his moans. Knowing how Touya wouldn't let him hear the end of it if he got caught fucking his hand to the sounds of their subtle lovemaking. 

"Fuckfuckfuck... I'm cumming!" Touya grunted, giving out after his final stroke.

Tomura followed suit, flicking his wrist with each stroke. As his orgasm finally took hold of him, biting into his shirt to stifle his moan as he came all over his fist. 

"Are you fucking serious, Touya?"

"What?" 

"I didn't get to cum?"

"Um… I'm sure you can take care of that when you get home."

"You're such a piece of sh-"

Tomura tuned out the rest of his roommate's performance. Really hoping he'd wrap it up cause he really needed to take a piss and couldn't make it to the bathroom without passing through the living room. 

After hearing a respectable amount of silence, he figured it was safe to leave the room. Of course, he was wrong; he was met with a staredown between Touya and a petite blonde woman.

"I'm sure your roommate Tenko wouldn't leave a lady hanging like that."

"It's Tomura," he muttered.

"Same fucking thing, my point still stands," The mystery woman huffed. There was a pregnant pause before Touya doubled over in laughter, clutching his chest.

"You think this cuck knows how to take care of a lady? Yeah, it's time to go, Tara."

"It's Toga, you shit stai-"her statement was abruptly interrupted, the door slamming in her face. Touya's back slid down against the door as he sat facing Tomura. 

"Chicks? Am I right?" Touya sighed, peering over at Tomura, who had just left the bathroom. "Speaking of chicks, when's the last time you had sex, Shiggy?"

"It's been... a while." Tomura shrugged, not wanting to indulge his roommate with the details of his sex life.

"Well, we can't have that, can we? Let's make you a Tinder." Touya proudly announced, excited at the prospect of playing matchmaker for his roommate. Tomura reluctantly gave in, knowing once Touya was set on something, it was bound to happen one way or another. 

Two blunts later, Tomura and Touya were strewn over the couch, mulling over his profile's final details. It consisted of three pics, one from the Halloween party, another from their most recent function. The last pic is a selfie of him in a black hoodie with sunglasses on. The icing on top is the bio that unironically stated, "Freak in the sheets, gamer in the streets."

"You're gonna be a real pussy magnet shiggy. Just wait, you'll have to fight the chicks off with a stick after they see this." Touya chuckled as he took another puff of the blunt.

"Go to hell and stop hogging; you didn't put shit in on this anyways," Tomura muttered as he snatched the blunt away to take a pull. Maybe he would find some success, he entertained the concept of having a consistent fuck buddy, but sometimes he was lonely and just wanted someone to lay up with. He wanted to be optimistic about something for once, taking his final pull and ashing the blunt out. The smoky haze and intoxicating scent lulling him to sleep. 

Fuck optimism, Tomura thought. It had been three days with zero matches or messages, and he was starting to think there had to be a glitch in the system. The only time he had seen a match is when he accidentally swiped on Midnight's profile, a famous Only fans content creator who specialized in BDSM. The same Midnight that he happened to be a top donor for and occasionally bought panties from, but that's beside the point. The profile was poorly made with blurry, uncropped pics taken straight from her social media profiles. The lack of detail and legitimacy was apparent. Tomura felt terrible for the poor soul who probably fell for it, but it made him think… 

Why not see how different the response would be if he ran a profile under someone else's guise.  Someone more attractive, someone more affluent, and someone more famous. This was simply a social experiment; no harm would come from it of course. He would simply ghost anyone who wanted to meet, keeping all interactions virtual. Now who could he possibly pretend to be. without getting caught. Tomura's eyes finally settled on an Axe ad playing on tv featuring male model Keigo Takami. Mr. tall, blonde, and handsome would definitely attract the feminine masses.  

Ding ding ding, it was like a bell went off in his head; he had found his new look. He started to scour the internet for any pictures of Hawks that weren't already posted to his socials and be sure to crop any evidence out. A few hours later, Tomura gazed over his final product. He thought it seemed too good to be true; he was sure that anyone with a working brain would know the profile was clearly a catfish. It was too clean, too pristine, and too perfect, but Tomura was tired of the profile's nit-picking details and saved his last changes. It was starting to get dark, and he had to begin his Comp Sci homework soon so he'd have time to play zombies on Call of Duty later. 

Tomura woke to a multitude of buzzes notifying him of the several hundred matches he'd accumulated overnight on his Hawks profile. Apparently, no one had a working brain within the 15-mile radius. The messages were filled with tons of chicks he had seen on campus or in class. He even recognized the one from the Halloween party. He spent his morning smoke break, siphoning through the various contenders.

Too tall.

Too blonde.

Too ugly. 

Until...

He finally stopped scrolling when he reached your profile; he had seen you before in his Major classes. You were a somewhat modest girl, always working to be an overachiever and teacher's pet. You hadn't spoken to him before, only forcing a smile when Tomura was caught staring at you in class. You were talented, beautiful, quiet, and you hadn't encountered Touya yet. You were everything he had wanted, and more. He started to type a message awaiting your response.

Keigo: "What's keeping you up this late, love ;)" 

Tomura thought to keep it casual enough to fit his suave persona.

Y/N: "lol, just sum late night studying keeping me up."

Y/N: "won't lie im very nervous to texting you rn, i'm a big fan 

Keigo: "it's gud knowing i have fans as cute as you ;p"

The conversation seemed to flow from there between you two, texting for almost two weeks strong. Tomura had learned so much about you in a short time, your favorite foods, your favorite color, favorite music, and your dislikes as well. Touya often came by his room to check in on Operation: Get Shiggy Some Pussy, only to be met with a "Fuck off," and yet another door slammed in his face. 

You gushed over how lucky you were to be texting the one and only Keigo Takami. Of course, you were skeptical at first, but what kind of fucked up person would take the time to pretend to be another person? The conversation between you two was great and always kept you on your toes. Still, sometimes days would pass before you received a response; you chalked it to the fact that he was always busy as a celebrity and didn't always have time to respond to you. 

You were currently lying in bed and unable to fall asleep; you peered at your phone to see that it was 2:05 am. You let out a sigh, preparing to stare at your ceiling until you finally fell asleep, only to be interrupted by a chime from your phone. It was a message from Keigo. 

Keigo: you up? ;(

You instantly typed a response, scared that you had done something wrong.

Y/N: yup, what's wrong…?

Keigo: i'm so fucking hard rn baby ;(((

Oh shit, you hadn't prepared yourself for that response; maybe he injured himself at work or-

Keigo: you still there babe? send a pic ;p

You definitely hadn't prepared for that, but who were you to deny him. Keigo could've asked anyone else in the world, but he asked you. Not wanting to leave him waiting, you quickly shucked your shirt off and used your arm to push up your breasts, giving an illusion of the perfect push up bra. You promptly took several pics, taking the time to edit and select the ideal filters to complement your skin tone.

Y/N: 1 image sent

A bubble indicating him typing popped up instantly 

Keigo: 3 images sent

Keigo: fuckkkk babe, ur such a tease

You opened the pics, feeling your panties dampen slightly. It was a cock, well Keigo's cock, fat and engorged, leaking pre-cum against his toned belly. He was mostly well-groomed, but a prominent white tuft of hair appears in the picture, making you wonder if Keigo was actually a natural blonde.

Keigo: 1 video sent

 let me see that pretty pussy baby, 

It was a video of Keigo languidly stroking his cock, how romantic. It was only right for a gorgeous man like Keigo to have a pretty cock to match. What he lacked in girth was definitely made up for in length, complemented with a slight curve that could definitely reach that itch that none of your toys could scratch.  By now, you had ditched your panties and started to slowly start to fuck yourself open with one finger at a time. You started recording and angled the phone against your pillow, trying to capture you desperately fucking yourself on your fingers, letting out a small whimper with each thrust.

Y/N: 1 video sent 

You began to fuck yourself vigorously, dragging the accumulated slick over your clit with slow, circular strokes. You felt your orgasm on the brink, growing more restless and desperate, humping reverently at your fingers, whimpering desperately; you were so close...There was a sudden surge of fluid from your core, incoherent mumbles leaving your mouth as you kept carefully fucked yourself through your climax. The post-orgasm bliss lulling you to sleep, your eyes had finally fluttered shut, only to be awakened by another chime. 

Keigo: 1 image sent 

look @ all that cum baby, its all for you ;)

Y/N: when can we meet? my fingers can only work for so long :p

Read: 2:53 am

Aw man, maybe he fell asleep. You were definitely fighting sleep at this point as well, finally closing your eyes, satisfied for the night. 

Tomura struggled to catch his breath, reaching for his discarded shirt to wipe the sticky cum off of his stomach. That was the third time this month you'd ask about a meeting, and it was frankly starting to piss him off. He'd have to come up with something fast if he wanted to keep you around. Even though he didn't have much of a moral compass left in his body, the feeling of guilt was hard to ignore. You didn't deserve to be roped into his fucked up social experiment… 

A yawn interrupted Tomura's guilty thoughts. He could continue to feel guilty when he wakes up tomorrow.

 The following week your prayers had been answered, Keigo finally agreed to meet! It had been such a bittersweet feeling. What if he thought you looked nothing like your profile pictures? Would he reject you and run the other way, screaming? You tried to push your doubtful feelings down by distracting yourself with running errands. Finding the perfect outfit to wear, getting every inch of your body waxed, and picking up a lacy red lingerie set. 

Upon getting back to your apartment, you found a red bouquet of roses on the doormat. They were clearly store-bought and not of excellent quality… but it's the thought that counts! 

Lots of celebrities were frugal, and of course, Keigo was no different. After further inspection, a small white card with an address and time. You searched the address finding a mid-grade hotel on the outskirts of the city. Keigo was definitely a (cheap) frugal man dedicated to his discretion. Soon realizing that the time on the card was approaching, you quickly ran to shower and primp yourself for the evening. Not even thinking to question how he found your address in the first place...

You had finally arrived at the sketchy hotel, noting that there were little to no cars in the parking lot and noting that none of them looked like they belonged to Keigo. You wandered through the lobby until you finally reached the elevator, tapping the button for the 5th floor. You tried to shake off your pre-meeting jitters, you already knew everything would be fine, but you couldn't shake the feeling of something wrong...

Those intrusive thoughts were soon interrupted by the chime that indicated you had reached your floor. You took a deep breath as you stepped off the elevator, pacing yourself as you walked to your destination. 

Room 555 

How fitting, you thought. Your knuckles rasped against the door several times.

"Come in." A voice sounded through the door.

You peeked your head around the door before taking a step in the room, not being able to locate the owner of the voice. You gasped after taking the appearance of the room. The room had rose petals haphazardly strewn across the floor. Candles flickered on the dresser, a bubble bath was run in the bathroom, and to top it off, a too cheap bottle of champagne on ice. 

There was clearly an effort made, which made your heart swoon, hoping to put a real face to the man you've been speaking to for the past few months, you said out into the empty room.

"Keigo, I like what you've done with the place. You can come out now," you giggled.

"I'm glad you got the flowers," a raspy voice responded.

.......Huh?

Your joy instantly crushed, having heard Keigo's voice multiple times in the interviews you've seen, it sounded nothing like that. Unless he'd suddenly started chain-smoking within the past few months. A loud alarm started going off in your head. It was definitely time to go.

You twirled on your heels and reached for the doorknob, only to be stopped by a hand gripping your upper arm.

"Leaving so soon? The bathwater is still warm…" The mystery voice informed.

"Oh… I think I have the wrong room, so sorry about that." You squeaked, attempting to reach the door again only to be dragged into a bony chest. 

Your chin was tilted, forcing you to meet eyes with "Keigo." Who was actually a porcelain-skinned tower of a man with shaggy white hair that had an oddly familiar look to him? 

"Let me go! You're not Keigo!" You screamed, hoping to alert any other guests on the floor.

"Fucking took you long enough. I thought you were smarter than those other bitches on campus. Tomura balked, struggling to keep you still in his grasp.

Campus. That's where you recognized the face and voice of your captor, you were both in the same Comp Sci class, and you'd often caught him staring as you worked, chalking it up to you having something on your face or in your teeth. The realization caused tears to spurt from your eyes.

"Poor baby, didn't mommy and daddy teach you to not speak to strangers on the internet?"

"I-I thought y-you were K-Keigo," you gasped, struggling to control your sobs. 

"Well, I'm not. Get over it." Tomura slurred, placing sloppy kisses over your collar bone, slowly backing you towards the bed. 

You couldn't bring yourself to move or fight anymore, body stiff with fear. Your sobs increase in volume after feeling your legs make contact with the edge of the bed. You didn't know this man from a can of paint, and here he is about to assault you. 

"Stop crying before I leak those sexy little videos you shared with "Keigo." Imagine if everyone in the class knew how much of an easy slut you are?" Tomura hissed, shoving you unto the stiff mattress, springs squeaking as you bounced. 

You cradled your mouth, struggling to stifle your sobs. Why hadn't you recognized the signs sooner? You spent so much time looking at the situation through rose-colored lenses that you had utterly neglected your safety. But it wasn't the time to feign sympathy for yourself. You needed to take action, and soon—the shaggy haired stranger dragging your motionless body towards the end of the headboard. 

"Wait!" You gasped, hoping that you could possibly reason with your captor.

"What's your name? 

This was your final chance to escape. You suddenly kicked forward, aiming for his face, failing miserably as it was blocked. Both legs were then shoved into a mating press, granting Tomura the space to press himself even closer to you.

A groan left Tomura's mouth, frotting against your clothed mound, smothering your neck with sloppy saliva drenched kisses. You cowered at the feeling, curling away from his advances. The dry humping continued until a final groan of desperation was released. He was too grown for this shit and didn't feel like going home with stained boxers when your sweet heat was right in front of him.

The red bodycon dress you decided on was shredded down the middle, leaving you in your lingerie set. You added that to the list of things you were already regretting, moving to cover yourself the best you could. Your efforts to preserve the crumb of modesty you had left were futile, both hands knocked out of the way.

"You don't have to hide princess, I think Christmas came early.” “You're wrapped so pretty, baby." He chuckled, moving to fondle your breasts. Taking the time to pinch and pull at both nipples, drawing small hesitant gasps. 

"I'll play with these more later. You don't know how long I've waited to play with that cute little pussy in person." You felt your panties tugged to the side, embarrassed with the amount of arousal accumulated below. The feeling was soon replaced with horror after feeling the tip of his cock dragged between your slit.

Tomura used the residual slick to grease his cock, bypassing the need to stretch you out. He pressed forward, forcing himself inside, pausing to catch his breath. Damn... it's been a long time. 

You yelped in pain, closing your eyes in hopes of blocking out the situation at hand. You felt him start to pick up his pace, causing small tinges of pain to course through your body. 

"Mmmm, open your eyes. I want you to watch me fuck you." He gasped, realizing you hadn't complied yet, he landed a firm slap on your cheek. "Not only are you dumb, but you're also deaf too… open. SMACK your. SMACK fucking. SMACK eyes." 

Your eyes shot open, brimming with tears, finding yourself face to face with your captor. His eyes were closed in ecstasy, dainty white lashes framing the lids, traces of dry patches on his face. He wasn't ugly. You'd honestly give him a chance if he asked you out like a decent human being.

His pace had gained traction, hips crashing against yours. You found yourself slowly succumbing to the pleasure, discreetly fucking yourself against him. You wanted to protest and resist against him, but with your inhibitions lowered, you found it hard to comply. Each thrust pulling you further into the abyss that was your impending orgasm. Your lust-filled thoughts being interrupted by the stranger's incoherent mumbling.

"Tomura."

"Huh?" you whimpered, not fully understanding what he said. 

"My name is Tomura."

"Okay and mine i-"

"Shut up and say my name." Tomura's thrusts were sporadic, signaling his impending climax. "Beg me to cum…... please." 

You barely registered the final demand, not recognizing the soft tone of his voice.

"T-tomura, p-please let me cum!" you begged, right on edge needing something, anything to push you over.

Two nimble, callused fingers drew delicate circles over your clit, forcing you to writhe and sob as your orgasm coursed through your body. The feeling that followed was one of warmth as Tomura came, slowing his thrusts until he collapsed, encasing you in his arms.

Your eyes fluttered shut with your post-orgasm haze lulling you to sleep until a wet, sticky substance trickled along your inner thigh... 

What the fuck....

You nearly launched yourself from the bed, fighting to separate yourself from your captor's arms.  

"What is wrong with you?"

"You didn't use a condom," you wailed, tears perched at the corner of your eyes. You didn't have the time for a child, you were doing great in classes, your parents would reject you, you'd be stuck playing house with some stranger and-

"Stop muttering. You're fucking up my nap. I'll buy a Plan B when I wake up." Tomura mumbled into the pillow, dragging you back into his chest.

You continued to fight his grasp, pausing after feeling a firm pinch to your side. Fighting was futile at this point, and you couldn't fully assess the situation until you had some decent sleep. 

Closing your eyes for a few seconds wouldn't hurt…right?

[christianborle]

ok i might delete this idk i just. i’m editing a vlog and i’m deciding what royalty free background music to use so i searched “vlog” on youtube for examples of what other people did and a lot of what came up is “productive first day of high school - junior year!” videos and it featured skinny fashionable young girls who look 24 instead of 15 waking up at 6 am to do an entire workout and meditation and make up/skincare routine and going on a starbucks run with 16 of their other stylish best friends before school and using filters and sanitizing absolutely everything and making things seem 100x prettier and better than life in high school actually is and. like look if doing all of that makes u feel better while ur still in high school then go for it! sometimes it does help to get ur shit together and romanticize ur life if that’s what make’s u feel like getting out of bed and feeling healthy and getting good grades!!! but i am just thinking back to when i was in high school and how the only way i could make it through the day was just throwing on a hoodie and my first meal of the day being a cafeteria bagel at 2pm. not that you should be exactly like me when i was in high school lol but if i was in high school rn and saw HOW MANY of these vlogs existed (i scrolled thru so. many.) it would maybe put pressure on me to think: is this how it’s supposed to be? am i doing it wrong? the answer is NO!!!!!!!!! do NOT put this much pressure on yourself!!!!!!! you are not an unhealthy person for not drinking a protein smoothie drink before geometry class. also, may i remind us all, we are in a pandemic!!!! and have been for almost two years now!!!! this takes a massive mental load on us. we are not functioning at our best. i damn well expect kids to be wearing pajamas during zoom high school because who cares!!!! like again i’m not saying practicing healthy habits is bad at all!! i just think all of this is so unattainable and i guarantee you the people making these videos don’t really live their perfect life like that and are struggling just like you. you have the entire rest of your life to be an “it” girl if that is what you want. high school will end. it’s like we have to be instagram models at all times but we are just going to the grocery store? or going to math class??? i can’t just simply exist i have to wear a “supreme” hoodie and a bucket hat because if i don’t i will lose subscribers on The Video App. go ahead and wear a cute outfit to school if it will improve your mood but you truly do not have to do The Most to impress anyone and look Hot and make it seem to your classmates (who you will rarely ever see again once you graduate) and to the internet that you have your entire life put together. OH and this also applies to college and university. “the best four years of your life” is a LIE and don’t let the media’s expectations weigh on you when things turn out to be different than you expected (good or bad or meh) idk man i probably sound like “old man yells at cloud” i am really not here to hate on the people making those vlogs, this is a complex topic. i am just. Worried

anyway please hit me up with any websites you know where i can get free royalty free music and don’t have to pay or do a free trial

[brytmoon]

i feel like i'm being really annoying about it to ppl so i'm gonna vent here about struggles i have that might be undiagnosed adhd symptoms since i don't have a very big following except for two close friends (sorry y'all)

1. hygiene, such as brushing my teeth in the morning and showering, is hard. it's been hard my whole life but even now, i'll stare at myself in the mirror or scroll through my phone as i try to convince myself to brush my teeth. (this may or may not be related, but i hate going to the dentist, too.) with showering, it's hard to find the time. i always make sure to shower as often as possible (which is every other day, usually) or i make sure i don't smell if i haven't because i'm scared of having b.o. with both, i have to motivate myself to do it with fancy toothpastes and mouthwash or nice-smelling shower gels and lotions. I'm guessing this is executive dysfunction???

2. I've been incredibly disorganized my whole life. i once thought i had adhd when i was younger because of how disorganized i was. I've always had a super messy backpack and a super messy room (it's really messy rn) but i always know where everything is. i had a ds for at least ten years but lost it a couple months ago in the middle of playing it. where did it go???? i have no idea bruh. and i lose my phone all. the. time.

3. i'm terrible with procrastinating. turning in projects and essays at 11:59 after bullshitting it either all day or mere hours before the due date??? a constant. having failing homework grades and having ntis in every class, no matter how much i enjoy it??? a constant. i once did a whole project i hadn't started on until the morning of the due date. i worked on it while in other classes and at lunch and turned it in 3 minutes before the dropbox closed. anything that's not what i enjoy or zaps the fun out of what i enjoy, i procrastinate with. I've sat in front of the computer screen and almost cried so many times because i couldn't get myself to type up a scholarship essay, which OBVIOUSLY would greatly benefit me as a broke college student, but it doesn't matter bc my brain thinks it's boring so why not push it off?? because i procrastinate, i tend to overwhelm myself so much that i break down at least once when an assignment's due because I've formed a terrible habit of pushing myself to overexertion to get a project done that's meant to be done gradually.

4. bouncing off that last point, I'm terrible with time management and remembering events/due dates/assignments to complete. I've tried using schedule apps and alarms. I've tried to plan out my days. I've tried forming routines and habits to get things done at appropriate times and it doesn't work. that schedule app i downloaded and spent so much time filling out? completely forgotten in a week or two. i swipe away the notifications and pay no attention to them. since everything's virtual now, there have been important college information zoom calls, but i forget about them and miss them. i can't remember events, due dates, or assignments if i don't write them down. since i meet every other day or sometimes once a week for a specific class in college, i can easily forget something mentioned earlier that week that's due the next week over the weekend. i have to remember to write in my agenda in order to remember to do something important, which can be stressful and convoluted 🙃🙃 so my bad time management results in further procrastination and missed opportunities, which makes me feel awful about myself late at night when all i can think about is what i should've done better or differently.

5. chores and hobbies are... interesting. when i do get the energy or motivation to clean or draw, i will hyperfocus on them. if i finally feel like cleaning, I'll skip breakfast and/or lunch and won't take care of myself until I'm done. same happens with drawing. and as stupid or funny as it sounds, i find getting up to go pee so annoying!!!! I'm in the middle of doing something i FINALLY want to do and then i have to get up to go use the bathroom. i don't want to break my concentration bc it's an inconvenience. then with hobbies (y'know, things i want to do and enjoy) i procrastinate!! I've been trying to watch atla since everyone loves it and i like it too, but i put off watching it and other shows like crazy. i play instruments and love to do so, but don't practice very often and spend a couple hours doing so when i do because i remember how fun it is. when i do laundry, I'll remember to put the clothes in the washing machine and start it. but then I'll forget to either put them in the dryer, take them out of the dryer, or fold them. i often have to rewash loads because I'll forget they're in there or I'll have a pile of clothes sitting on my bed for days because i procrastinate with folding them and putting them up.

6. i am the most motivated and have the most energy at night. over the summer, I'd stay up until 4 or 5 am on a regular basis. I'd be the most productive during that time but my sleeping schedule would be so off because of it.

7. so people with adhd crave things that produce dopamine, right? well i snack on candy all the time. and i mean it when i say it's ALL THE TIME. my favorite one is red hots because they're crunchy and spicy. eating candy helps me focus and is probably a form of me seeking more stimulation, but it's bad because of my teeth hygiene issues and me hating to go to the dentist. i also can't do tasks quietly. i have to be listening to music or watching a video while working on something and there are times when i want to do both while working??? so now when i watch something or listen to music without working, i tend to need something to do so i scroll through Instagram while having the show on even though it makes me miss what's happening sometimes.

8. i don't really fidget much i don't think?? but i do weird stuff while listening to someone talk. in school, i often doodled on my worksheets and got in trouble for it. I'd draw eyes in the margins, characters I'm fixated on, squiggly lines, and would color in my o's. or while listening to a family member vent, i dance around or listen while scrolling through Instagram. i also have a baaad habit of picking at my skin (dermatillomania). I'd focus on picking scabs for a really long time when i was alone and bored and have scars on my face and legs from doing it. I've picked at my face since i was a kid and absent mindedly do it every day.

9. i can get quite distracted and have to ask for directions to be repeated because i won't hear them?? like my brain won't process what someone said until they say it again when i'm actually fully paying attention. my mom will ask me to run an errand for her and she'll need to repeat it to me because i'll get distracted while she's explaining or i'll forget what she said after walking away. i get off track in conversations a lot and can't really listen well when there's a lot of other noise going on, like in cafeterias. i'll be talking to one friend and hear another interesting conversation down the table and pause while speaking bc my attention shifted. i also can lose my train of thought quite easily when waiting to speak and forget what i was saying and not be able to remember it for the life of me. so I'll interrupt sometimes so i don't forget

10. when talking to friends, i feel like i talk about myself a lot. i like to use my personal experiences to connect with what they said and be empathetic to them, but i worry this comes off as being conceited. i heard that it might be an adhd thing i do to keep myself engaged in the conversation.

i think that's all of them??? I'm so sorry to anyone who has to scroll through all this jgjrjrj but i guess it's good to make note of this stuff in some way because i articulate my feelings better when typing instead of speaking. and this'll be helpful to reference when chatting with a future therapist which i will hopefully get soon! and if anyone sits through this and has any advice, I'm all ears!!

[couldbeasong]

1-60 for the ask meme

Ope sorry I did not see this until today. I think I know the one? If it’s not the one you meant just lmk lol

1. Selfie?

You can have this picrew but I wish to be unperceived.

2. What would you name your future kids?

For female names I like: Harmony, Slyvia, Edelweiss, Bethany, and Opal

For male names I like: Uriah, Aiden, Kai, Levi, and Luke

3. Do you miss anyone?

My grandpa and Midnight (old dog)

4. What are you looking forward to?

Going on vacation in a few weeks, the end of the semester, and seeing @calligraphywitch tomorrow

5. Is there anyone who can always make you smile?

@calligraphywitch and my other girlfriend. They’re hilarious lmao

6. Is it hard for you to get over someone?

Romantically? Not really. You kinda gotta just accept it and move on. In the past, always being like: this will never work because of reason xyz helps.

Friendship wise? Absolutely. It depends a lot on the emotional investment I put into the relationship, but I find myself still missing people I haven’t talked to since High School or Middle School.

7. What was your life like last year?

It was weird being a freshman in college and trying to survive. I had a lot of family problems going on along with one of my best friends from High School being on her death bed for a while. A bit of a crisis of faith as well. But we survived, God willing! I miss pre-pandemic times tho

8. Have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

Ask my brother. I’m sure there’s been an instance.

9. Who did you last see in person?

My grandma across the room from me!

10. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

I hide them so well I can’t even find them!

I like to pretend they aren’t there and repress them a lot but idk if I’m good at hiding them from others per say.

11. Are you listening to music right now?

I’m in a zoom meeting for class, so I guess my professor's voice?

12. What is something you want right now?

Freedom

13. How do you feel right now?

Kinda tired, kinda nauseous, kinda bored. Idk I probably need to drink some water.

14. When was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

Uhhhh idk about a week ago? My last hug was probably a week ago too XD

15. Personality description

I like to think I’m funny

16. Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

I work in customer service- everyday (:

17. Opinion on insecurities.

Everyone is insecure about something. It’s kinda fascinating how even though all of humanity is exactly the same (in terms of our struggles and insecurities, we don’t vary) we still judge others for having them. Confidence is seen as a virtue and the most attainable goal. Society profits off of your insecurities tho so be aware of what they are and don’t let yourself be scammed.

18. Do you miss how things were a year ago?

Certain aspects perhaps. But 2019 is gone. It performed and then it left. It can’t hurt us or help us anymore. There’s little use in dwelling on that and wishing for 2020 to be 2019.

19. Have you ever been to New York?

No, but I swear Ima go one day and see a show on Broadway.

20. What is your favorite song at the moment?

I have like three I’m cycling between rn

When You’re Home from In the Heights

Wake Up by Jenny Owen Youngs

Together by For King and Country

21. Age and birthday?

Old enough to know better and October

22. Description of crush.

He’s super great and super intelligent, not to mention super in love with God. Frankly, he deserves better than me. I gotta lot of self-improvement that needs to happen, but we’ll see what happens XD

23. Fear(s)

Heights, drowning, spiders, super dark streets and rooms, not being good enough

24. Height

5′5″ respectfully

25. Role model

It’s changed through the various stages of my life. Rn tho a few of my Christian online friends

26. Idol(s)

I mean I stan Brian David Gilbert, but I don’t idolize him lol

27. Things I hate

Cheesecake, sickly sweet stuff, when someone grabs the receipt out of the printer even though it’s way more effort for them to do so than for me just to hand it to them and it throws me off of my rhythm, fudge

28. I’ll love you if…

You exist (and even not then because fictional characters just hit different lol)

29. Favorite film(s)

Tangled, Ella Enchanted, Enchanted, Howls Moving Castle, Princess, and the Pauper

30. Favorite tv show(s)

Brooklynn 99, Parks and Recreation, Ouran High School Host Club, My Hero Academia, and Bojack Horseman (I’m going through a phase with it rn lol)

31. 3 random facts

Blue is my favorite color, I own almost nothing in blue, people are better at identifying members of their own race better than members of other races.

32. Are your friends mainly girls or guys?

Girls- they’re easier to talk to and approach. Tho I stan and love my guy friends. They are kings.

33. Something you want to learn

Everything? Idk I have an insatiable desire to learn and it switches. Consistently, I want to learn how to make my own clothes, play either piano, guitar, or violin, and detail cars.

34. Most embarrassing moment

Uggg I’m not talking about it and neither is @calligraphywitch

35. Favorite subject

I really enjoyed Statistics as much as I have hated it. My all-time favorite class I have ever taken tho was AP US Literature

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

Graduate grad school, get married, travel overseas

37. Favorite actor/actress

uhhh probably Chris Pratt or anyone who was on Parks and Recreation. Tho Broadway actors, I love Christian Borle

38. Favorite comedian(s)

John Mulaney

39. Favorite sport(s)

I miss playing softball and volleyball so prolly those

40. Favorite memory

There are too many to count. But usually, involve good conversations under the stars after 2 AM.

41. Relationship status

Have a picrew of my sister and me. Keep scrolling and mind ya business (jk ily anon)

42. Favorite book(s)

The Bible lol but fictional book wise, I will always love the Warrior Cats series. Red Queen was pretty lit. The Hourglass Door gave me a love for time travel aus lol. And Library Wars is near and dear to my heart.

43. Favorite song ever

You can’t ask me thisssss

Idk Hope is what we crave by For King and Country

44. Age you get mistaken for

24-30 it depends on the context

45. How you found out about your idol

@calligraphywitch

46. What my last text message says

No xD not disney

47. Turn-ons

When you have a musical playing and the end of one song is the start of another so they bleed into each other. CHILLS or when a line of poetry just expresses how someone feels. OR when different parts harmonize just right

48. Turn-offs

When my computer deletes my homework right before it’s done

49. Where I want to be right now

In a little cabin in the woods

50. Favorite picture of your idol

51. Starsign

Scorpio

52. Something I’m talented at

Reading peoples emotions

53. 5 things that make me happy

Music, Friends, Deep Conversations, Hugs, and God

54. Something that's worrying me at the moment

So much to do so much to see

55. Tumblr friends

Friends and mutuals include:

@calligraphywitch @an-assortment-of-forks @repentance-brings-healing @synthetic-blanket-hairs @loneallegiance @boywiththewand @knightof-cups @a-lil-strawberry @linkedwolf @indygo @obnoxioushair

There’s plenty more than that and I love you all ^^

56. Favorite food(s)

Tacos, Crab Ragoons, Salty Foods, RICE

57. Favorite animal(s)

Wolves and cats

58. Description of my best friend

Artistic, beautiful, supportive, hardworking. She is hilarious and an amazing person. There’s so much to the many reasons I love her I just can’t do it in words

59. Why I joined tumblr

Back in the 7th grade, my friends all had one and helped set me up with one. And that’s that.

60. Ask me anything you want

You want nothing ig lol if you want to submit one I can answer it still

[f-117-nighthawk]

I’m in a Playlist Mood

I was scrolling through my dark matter tag looking for something I made a while ago to reference in the next chapter of Carry Me Home and ran across my last playlist explanation post. It put me in the mood to think about this again, and I’ve added...a lot. The playlist might’ve actually doubled in length since then (Thank You Abyss) and I’ve moved some stuff around in order. So, more playlist meta under the cut (it’s LONG)

So first thing: I’ve actually created two new playlists (well, one new one and actually made the third playlist have more than two tracks) since that post jhadsfljd. Working forwards in time (kinda), we have:

Dark Matter: The Road to Ruin

The Road to Ruin is the Main Playlist, the thing I use to write to, the thing I lie in bed and listen to to think up new things, and half the thing that keeps the timeline in place (it’s actually more updated than World Anvil rn whoops). Here we have overarching plot hooks, character development, and the story of six Paladins and their friends trying to save the universe.

Turn the Lights Out I sort of explained in the last post and I can’t think of too much more to add. The TLDR is it’s about the Lions (and, well, technically [REDACTED] too....) and sort of why I refer to a fully-melded Lion-Paladin duo as Spirits.

(I was here/Will you welcome and recognize me/I'll be there/I was here/Will you dread me, will you despise me/I'll be there/For the last living thing)

Remnants of Stars is again about Galran philosophy and the actual process of the quintessence nurseries filtering quintessence back into the universe. But the bit about giving in to know the truth becomes important much, MUCH later.

(As children of space/With stardust in our veins/We will give in to know the truth/We are the remnants of stars)

Your World Will Fail, Dark Matter, and Eater of Worlds are about [REDACTED], about what happens between that instant between the first plank time and the next. They’re an overarching theme, but also the event that everything else builds from, whether that be interpreted as the beginning of the universe or the Voltron comet crashing into Daibazaal.

(Your world will fail my love/It’s far beyond repair/Your world will fail my love/It is already there)

(Bring me your soul/Bring me your hate/In my name you will create/Bring me your fear/Bring me your pain/You will destroy in my name)

(Can’t imagine the violence/The rage and the love in my madness/I am the eater of worlds and I’m looking for someone to feed me)

Apocalypse 1992 is actually the main story of Through Apocalypse Skies, although its framing story is shortly after String Theory. It happens between parts of Awakenings, detailing the rise of [REDACTED] and the final hours before the destruction of everything sentient species knew beforehand.

(Fly high through apocalypse skies/Fight for the world we must save/Like tears of a unicorn lost in the rain/Chaos will triumph this day)

You Keep What You Kill covers the slow degeneration of the Empire between The Fall and the Battle of Arus. The knowledge harshly taught by the Thuanial War is forgotten under the influence of Zarkon, Haggar, and [REDACTED]. Marzin and Galraasa quickly rise the ranks as the Empire’s left and right hands, like omens of destruction before them. The four are the ‘holy half-dead,’ the ones who shape the devouring of the universe before them.

(Defying dimensions/These ruthless creatures will steal your soul/Breaking away from the chains of mortality/They won't be taken down/Bow now to the holy half dead/The master to death mongers calls)

The Seven Sisters is about Keith, mostly, and connected to Closure via its influence on Child From the Stars (Lost in the Dark) and also to Memories of a Girl I Haven’t Met

(I cast my hope upon The Pleiades/The Seven Sisters who would come for me/They'd fall to Earth to grant a child's dream/But I'm still waiting)

Starlight is the newly added Adashi song. Here, it’s the sad part, based around the time that the SFSS Genesis launches for Kerberos. It also is sort of about Shiro’s thoughts throughout the war as he watches ‘from distant skies’ (and influences String Theory kinda)

(At night the earth will rise/And I'll think of you each time I watch from distant skies/Whenever stars go down and galaxies ignite/I'll think of you each time they wash me in their light/And I'll fall in love with you again)

Abyss is Awakenings again. It’s specifically the Red Lion waking up on Sendak’s ship to her new Paladin, but also sort of the rest of the Lions as they find new Paladins for the first time since The Fall

(Open my eyes in a daze/How long has it been? Am I so out of place?/Warmth I can no longer feel/My mountain is gone, I'm surrounded by steel/The strangest of structures arises ahead/Seems to be held up by nothing/Where have I gone, do I dream?/How can the stars be all I can see?)

Who Will Save You Now is about the Paladins in First Contact. It’s the video messages they send to their families, the warning that Something Is Out Here that they need to prepare for. It’s a declaration of protection for Earth, but a recognition that the Paladins may not be able to do what they say.

(I will not take from you and you will not owe/I will protect you from the fire below/It's not in my mind/It's here at my side/Go tell the world that I'm still alive)

The End of the Beginning and Nobody Gets Left Behind are the aftermath of the Battle of the Sarnan Nebula, the end of season two. The End of the Beginning hasn’t been posted yet, but it’s also the second of the four Closure fics. The End of the Beginning also has influence on String Theory. 

(Every night I die just a little/All this time, I'm caught in the middle/All your life, you fought with no winning/This is just the end of the beginning)

(Don't even try to pretend/That you're rough and just as tough/As when you're missing a friend/Attack and take him back/Cause when the team isn't whole/You've got a hole in your soul)

A Simple Plan is sort of part of The End of the Beginning, but really takes place after it. It’s the newly shuffled Team Voltron attempting to track down Lotor as Haggar tries to keep him under her control, and the new Black Paladin’s slow shift away from the things that he was pushed into and to the Blade. (And... guess what... it has influence on String Theory!) Fun fact I found out recently: The Spiritual Machines are by and large also the people behind Les Friction, which explains so much.

(What is this space we’re climbing/What is this place we’re stuck in/Why do we feel we’re sinking/How do we get out – get out of this) 

Memories of a Girl I Haven’t Met skips all the way over Naxzela and to the Mission to the Baaria Shipyards, the first major offensive that isn’t somehow connected to canon (even if only a very very small part of it is actually at the shipyards lol). This is also the song that solidified Keith’s very queer identity in Dark Matter.

(In this lonely place, bathed in silence and thoughts of you/I can't see your face but I'm trying to envision you/So are you really out there? Are you awake with memories/Of a boy you haven't met yet who's wished upon the Pleiades?)

TRIALS (reimagine) and String Theory are.... hoh boy. [REDACTED], [spoilers], and the turning point for a lot of things, which is why it has the honor of being the separating fic between my two main Dark Matter folders. TRIALS being on here is a fun story, because I associate that song very heavily with my main Star Wars fics, since that’s where the series title comes from, but the reimagine version of it gave me such strong Dark Matter vibes, it ended up here. It has heavy influence on the first part of String Theory, and is what I’ve been using for general pacing of the first half. String Theory itself isn’t the weirdest song on the playlist, but it’s really hard to find the connections to it without several layers of abstraction and backstory on [REDACTED]. String Theory is also weaved into a good chunk of fics before it.

(The ending won't be forgotten/It's written in the stars and the hieroglyphs/Sending the lionhearted/The stones break bones, but we're venomous)

(You don't believe in space/You don't believe in light/You don't believe that anything is well beyond your might/We walk across the sky and beneath the ocean floor/We're never going anywhere we've never been before)

House on Fire is the aftermath of String Theory, and a large vibe of We ARE Struggling Together! (Rise Against says it’s about parenting???? lol fuck that) (okay but actually, switch the parental love part to sibling love/general familial love and that’s a pretty good description....)

(So I'll just hold you like a hand grenade/You touch me like a razor blade/I wish there was some other way right now/Like a house on fire we're up in flames/I'd burn here if that's what it takes/To let you know I won't let go of you)

Belgrade is the klance song! It is a) bop b) always stuck in my head because it is That Good. The line in the chorus about ‘sweet songs of seduction’ is eternally funny to be bc a)they’re both ace and b)QPR’s don’t usually involve seduction as far as I know. Belgrade also leads almost directly into...

(We pretend in the darkness/We pretend the night won’t steal our youth/Singing me the sweet songs of seduction/Let me be the fool, fool, fool/Who will live and die for you)

Here to Save You is about Sam. Mostly. It’s also about Pidge. And Zaivorge cannons.

(A slave for humankind/I made sure I would survive/To stay alive/Now it's time to move on/When there's nothing left to prove/I'm coming to get you)

Iron is what eventually replaced Ten Thousand Against One. The plot has actually changed a lot since it was that song like. two years ago (three?) at this point. It has more of a focus on Keith knowing what’s going on due to [spoilers] and coming to accept parts of himself that are suddenly very obvious (kiiiinda the third closure fic?)

(You can't live without the fire/It's the heat that makes you strong/'Cause you're born to live/And fight it all the way/You can't hide what lies inside you/It's the only thing you know/You're embracing that, never walk away)

Birthright and Firewall are not exactly a direct result of Iron, but they wouldn’t happen how they do without it. They’re actually largely about Lotor, but then [REDACTED] swings back into the fray and things learned in String Theory/the framing story for Through Apocalypse Skies hit in full force.

(The voices in my head have all begun to sing/(The voices in your head have all begun to sing)/And they sure as hell hope I am listening/(I sure as hell hope you are listening!))

(They come to your dreams with illusion/They come to bring shape to your mind/You know how to stop the intrusion/We all have to fight for our lives)

and then, The Day the Earth Collapsed

(How much time has been elapsed/Since the day the earth collapsed?)

Here Comes the Reign doesn’t come into full effect until several months after Birthright/Firewall after Galraasa meets their fate, but starts with The Day the Earth Collapsed. It’s largely about Haggar and [REDACTED]

(You made something they can't take away/Now bring the fire of the burning sun on everyone)

Closure is placed where the fourth of its fics is. Closure in general is a lot of Keith’s character development and some of the struggles he goes through to accept his place in the universe and the fact that yes, he does have people that care about him. The last fic is me shining a brighter light on Closure’s chorus and taking a ‘last goodbye’ as never needing to say it again

(I am the child from the stars/That got lost in the dark/Between heaven and hell/I am forced to live on/I am the cause when you sin/I am the demon you skin/But there is no more tears to beautify/This is my last goodbye)

Ember and Soulbound are two closely related missions involving both Voltron and the Blade (specifically the Dark Whispers) in which [REDACTED] comes in with a vengeance, and some revelations about certain people’s fates are had. Soulbound is actually sort of from Krolia’s perspective.

(Dark matter falling from the sky/Dancing flames reflecting in your eyes as you watch them burn/Watching all your riches witches burn)

(Soulbound, endlessly forever/Locked between the darkness and the light/Don't drown in the swarming, blackened rising/Hold on to humanity and fight)

Darker Matter and Other Worlds Than These are. Well. [REDACTED] and [spoilers] and String Theory’s revelations rearing their ugly head once again, but this time with extra context and just a little bit of [spoiler]

(Dream yourself away/The pull of you shredding time and space)

(There are monsters in the sky/There are demons in the sea/I have seen them with my eyes/I've seen what you won't see/Pull the wool out from your eyes/It won't shade your frail belief/In the end we cannot hide/There are other worlds than these)

Godhunter is a fun one. The combined effects of String Theory, Soulbound, and Darker Matter/Other Worlds Than These come to a head and Team Voltron goes, well, hunting.

(She's been watching for a century/With hatred, and with scorn/If you know the hunter's coming/Then you hide or keep on running/'Cause she's slain the gods before)

My Darkest Hour is revenge for Godhunter, as well as a distraction from it, although Godhunter continues all the way to Louder than Words. 

(When the sun comes crashing down/When the world is spinning round and round/I will face what must be my darkest hour)

Faster Than Light is almost direct aftermath of My Darkest Hour, and sort of the inverse of Godhunter, where now Team Voltron are the hunted, even as they attempt to continue hunting. Oh and, Marzin and [REDACTED] are big parts

(Once more we're flying fast as light/Dark matter passing in the night/Pursued by a force we can't outrun/As we hurtle towards a dying sun/We maneuver through the remnants of a moon/On the solar winds of supernovas/There is not a place to hide, the Matriarch is close behind/It's plain to see she's coming for us all)

The Reckoning, This is a Call, World on Fire, The Wind that Shapes the Land, and Louder Than Words are the finale, what everything has been building towards. Earth’s faction, Haggar, [REDACTED], Voltron, the Empire, and the Coalition, all clash together in a final desperate bid to finish or prevent the final result of Your World Will Fail/Dark Matter/Eater of Worlds.

(I see your face, find peace of mind/Between the madness and the sadness and the fire burning/The end of war, the great divine/We'll see the day of reckoning)

(This is a call to action/This is a call to arms/All lives for one, together/There are no false alarms)

(World on fire with a smoking sun/Stops everything and everyone/Brace yourself for all will pay/Help is on the way)

(Search within/Uncover the will to win/Turn against the tide that washes o'er/Find the strength to fall and rise again/Open up the gates, unleash the force/I am the wind that shapes the land/Old as time and twice as strong/Oceans arise at my command/I alone can carry on)

(We have the force to fight/We have the blinding light/A war is more than heard/Coming in louder than words)

Dystopian Fiction

Dystopian Fiction is focused on what happens on Earth during the main playlist. I split it out because putting stuff like Cross the Line on the main playlist was getting clunky, and I figure Adam and Veronica (and the rest of the Paladins’ families, but mostly those two) deserve a chance for their story to shine on its own.

Dark Matter is on here because title track, but also it does end up with effects.

(Don't stop, don't think/Move up, don't blink now/On your knees pray for rain/Don't breathe when you take your aim)

Codebreaker is Adam’s song! I have him primarily as a cryptologist for the Garrison, teaching on the side and as a reserve pilot. Aviators says Codebreaker is actually about Cyperpunk 2077 but uhhh Fuck That it’s about Adam being The Best and dealing with...

(Codebreaker can't you find/Can you read between the lines of code?/Tell me all that you know/How far down the hole does it all go)

Cross the Line is the Éskhayklos’ image song. They’re a neo-luddite movement turned terrorist group that are upset with the way the Sol Federation is trying to fix Earth, stating that humans are the one that pushed it into this state, they should leave it to die and die along with it. Akane Shirogane was their worst nightmare. Cross the Line fits because, well, they crossed the line when [spoiler beep] and they were happy about it. (And “human cause” comes into play later when they pick up anti-alien leanings)

(Cross the line, redefine, break away unbent, unafraid/Together we stand in the dark/Seeking the light and what is right, together we cross the line/Our journey will come to an end and then our human cause will be/Justified)

Who Will Save You Now here is about Sam, and the aftermath of Here to Save You, in addition to its referenced role in the main playlist

(Alone with this vision/Alone and blind/Go tell the world I'm still alive)

The Day the Earth Collapsed is exactly what it says on the tin.

(How much time has been elapsed/Since the day the earth collapsed?)

Dystopian Fiction is the title track for this part. With the events of The Day the Earth Collapsed, the Garrison and our heroes on Earth are at their lowest point. It really is a piece of dystopian fiction, between [spoiler] and [spoiler]. And also: “Nobody can shoot me down, not just yet” is about Adam bc Fuck Canon

(I'm a dead man/In the wasteland/I'm a soldier fighting for superstition/Under search lights/In the long nights/We've been written like dystopian fiction)

The Reckoning is the only one of its little subset that made it over here, because it’s the only one that references events from before its eponymous fic (both verses are Very Earth)

(We're all alone, walking in twilight/The night has been long and so many have fallen/Feel no remorse, light will be breaking/Our freedom is worth it all)

Filaments

Filaments is the least complete, mostly because it’s the ‘sequel series’ of sorts. I have ideas for it, but I still haven’t posted most of the major story beats from the main portion of Dark Matter, so I’ve been purposefully putting it on the backburner. I do have enough to write Carry Me Home and put some foreshadowing in other fics.

Dark Matter is here because, well. A) Title track, B) yes, it still has effects. It’s the overarching theme, after all. Filaments sort of has a subtitle itself, which is ‘The Undoing,’ after the other part of the lyric that the subtitle of the main playlist comes from. It’s about undoing a past mistake (that wasn’t obviously a mistake until much later) and reconciling the events of Your World Will Fail.

(I am the keeper/I am the secret/I am the answer/I am the end)

Filaments is the title track of this part. It’s... a little hard to explain why without giving away the entire plot (what little I have planned lol) but it’s about the connections between different parts of the universe, and some fall-out of Darker Matter/Other Worlds Than These.

(These glowing filaments/Conducting this enchanting/Sarcophagus that's holding us)

Starlight is, again, Adashi song, and this time the happy part

(Don't leave me lost here forever/I need your starlight and pull me through/Bring me back to you)

Carry Me Home is what I’m in the process of writing right now, and it’s about the aftermath of the Quintessence War, specifically about how Shiro decides to settle down on Earth and what he does to build himself a home.

(Carry me home to the morning light/carry me home before you wave me goodbye/Oh, carry me home...)

[naturesgender]

hey folks this is gonna be a really really long post, i just kinda gotta write some stuff down, idk if anyone is gonna see this but if you do i’m gonna try to do the thing where there’s a cut and you can press “keep reading” if you wanna see the whole thing but idk how to do that so if it doesn’t work i’m sorry in advance!

*i think i figured it out, it should work! just put it there so u wouldn’t have to scroll past the whole thing if u didn’t wanna read it cause it’s rlly fuckin long lmao i love u all <3*

ok so

i am not Clinically Depressed i don’t live w/depression i don’t struggle with it on a daily basis i am generally a pretty Not-Depressed person

however

i am doing my best to get better at not ignoring the times when i *do* feel depressed because “i don’t actually suffer from clinical depression so this isn’t even that bad!” or “a lot of my friends feel like this on a daily fuckin basis and that’s really awful for them so i should always prioritize their feelings over mine all the time” or “these are stupid reasons to be depressed anyway” or “even though it’s really really hard for me to get out of bed right now there are people who sometimes Cannot get out of bed and i am not one of those people so it’s all good lol” or any of that shit cause (news flash) i am not the greatest at taking good emotional care of myself, and although i have gotten better at letting others take care of me, i still have lots of problems feeling comfy doing that if they’re not also letting me take care of them (which is a whole other issue that i’m not gonna get into rn)

so with all that in mind i just kind of wanted to get it down in writing and like Acknowledge the fact that during this past semester, mostly during the past month, i have been the most generally depressed i’ve been for a long time, maybe ever. i was definitely depressed in freshman year and was having some pretty Not Spicy Thoughts (nothing *super* serious dw) and that definitely wasn’t fun, but that was like a different brand of depression. back then the main reason i was depressed was bc i had no friends (or at least none i felt i could really be close with) and i was struggling to make the transition to high school and i didn’t really feel like either of my two-friends-who-i-didn’t-feel-i-could-be-close-with cared about me at all. this is a different brand. i’m very lucky to have a lovely group of very close friends who i can trust and who i mostly feel i can rely on (although when it comes to relying on my friends, the problem isn’t that i don’t feel that my friends are reliable bc i know that they are and i know they love me!! i trust that they would help me!! the issue is that i don’t often feel like it would be fair to ask them for help, but like i said that’s a whole other issue just wanted to clarify that the issue is not with my friends it’s 100% with me and i know that). i have a pretty good social life as of rn, and even though we’re all dealing with this shitty shitty pandemic, my friends and i have found ways to stay connected and we videochat and play games and i love them so much and i’m so grateful for them and they make my life infinitely better. so the social aspect is not the issue here in the same way it was in freshman year. the issue here is that i seem to have lost most of my driving force.

here is a list to help me acknowledge things

i turn 18 in exactly a month (january 7th) and although i know that i don’t just *poof* into an adult, i am still terrified of losing my childhood (much of which i have already lost due to very poor memory and my anxiety quashing the ability to be weird the way that i am/the way that i want to) and i don’t have myself together in the way that i wanted to by the time i reached 18/senior year/graduation/Adulting Time

online class is hell, the work has only gotten harder, i sit at my desk and stare at my computer screen for over 10 hours a day and don’t move and get lots of headaches and feel very understimulated, there’s always Something i haven’t done, and i can’t find it in me to give any shits about school in any way shape or form

except for maybe practicum i care about practicum i always care about practicum

i have basically no money and my gap year is coming up and i can’t get a job right now and i might not be able to get a job this school year at all and i am terrified of not being able to make enough money to give my friends the safe space they need, i need to support them, they need people who will Love Them, i want to give them a home i want to be a home for them and i am fucking terrified of not being able to make it happen for them

and for myself but also not really

like i definitely want this and i’m super excited to live with them but i’m also scared to leave home but i also know that they Need to leave home and i want to give them what they need!! and we’re gonna have such a good time!! and we’re gonna be safe and we’re gonna be whole and we’re gonna be loved and we’re gonna be a family!! this needs to happen i need to give them this we need to make this

i don’t wanna make it seem like i don’t wanna live with them, i do, i really do, i love them to pieces, i love them with all i am, i can’t express how much i love them, and i’m really really really excited, but at this point i’m mostly scared

having been diagnosed with (mild) adhd does not make it any easier to focus or sleep and i cannot fucking focus and i haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in weeks

there’s so much shit that i have to do hanging over my head, mostly it’s scheduling i’m trying to schedule my life basically (which sounds crazy but it’s less intense than it sounds i’m just trying to give myself more structure) but that’s a really overwhelming task and every time i try to make a schedule i can never stick to it so i have a lot less faith in it this time around

my sexuality and gender and thoughts about surgery/transitions/etc remain unclear and the only thing i’m sure of is that i’m demiromantic, but that doesn’t do shit about unrequited romance, which hurts like a motherfucker, and i don’t even truly know if it *is* romance that i’m wanting and there’s nothing real that i can do about that either

still feeling like shit about my body in a lot of different ways, not gonna get too far into it rn

the pandemic + online school + drudgery of classes + general unmotivated feelings + no changes in routine + a lack of structure + same environment 24/7 makes every day feel the fucking same and i’m sick of it

i’m stressed about vassar results coming out tmrw and i still have to write like at most 8 different college supplements before december 23rd (2 weeks)

i haven’t really sat down and done anything i’ve Enjoyed for a while and not had a Responsibility hanging over my head

basically i’m tired and anxious and overworked and lonely and lacking a driving force and really really fucking angry at everything and all that combines to make me pretty damn miserable! and as a result of all of this, my self-care is slipping and then my room doesn’t get clean and my bed doesn’t get made and i don’t get dressed or make myself proper meals or brush my teeth or sleep and that just makes it worse

and i want to talk about how i do definitely still have plenty of happy moments and good things and there is still a good amount of sunshine, i’m not *completely* miserable, but the minute i start thinking about that, i start to think that whatever sunshine there may be automatically cancels out any gray that there is, which is not a good place to be because i don’t want to fake being happy (i’ve never been good at that anyway which is probably a good thing) so i’m trying to acknowledge that hey! things are pretty shitty!! but please keep in mind that even as i type this, most of me is saying things along the lines of “don’t share this don’t post it don’t complain you don’t have it bad you’re fine you need to take care of your friends you can’t feel these things just snap out of it and you’ll be fine” so this is a pretty big step and a lot for me to just Put Out Into The World

i spent a while trying to think of other things that i could add here but i don’t really think there’s much else to say. i’m not sure where to go from here. i don’t have any magic solutions so i am trying really really hard not to let myself slip into complete giving-up-i-will-not-get-better space and it helps to just Know what’s in my brain. i don’t know if i have the mental energy to try to “fix” any of these issues right now, i just think i needed to start by writing them down. now i have them and i guess i’ll see where i can go from here. sorry this post was super long for anyone who may have chosen to take a look

that’s all <3

[whattaylormademedo]

Hi guys. This is a personal update to explain what’s been going on with me. Please read it. I could use any support I can get as I fight this challenging condition. This is long so bear with me please

I’m currently in my fourth hospital stay this year to treat a rare neurological condition called Stiff Person Syndrome. I have it in my full body and have had it for months in this severe episode(some people only have it in one body part, I have it all over my body from head to toe) and I have a migraine that’s lasted since February. Stiff Person Syndrome involves paralyzing and excruciating muscle spasms (think a charlie horse but all over my body) that leave me painfully contorted and stuck because my muscles spasm harder than the rest of my body can bend. Antagonist and agonist muscles usually spasm against each other, leaving me literally unmovable and in 10/10 pain. For Stiff Person Syndrome, spasms have been known to have enough force to break bones. Luckily I think thus far I’ve only done damage to my feet, but the spasms vary hour by hour and they are excruciatingly painful and occur 24/7, even during my sleep. I don’t sleep more than 4ish hours a night even with all the medications I’m on, as the spasms wake me up because they are so painful.

I had to put my entire life on hold. Formerly a straight A’s college student, I’ve had to withdraw from college and leave my home and am basically living at one of the only hospitals that even knows how to treat this now, hundreds of miles away from my house and my family. They don’t know when I’ll be stable enough to leave. Because of the nature of this disease, any touch to me, touch to the bed that I’m lying on, or movement of my body causes excruciating pain and uncontrollable spasms that can last anywhere from hours to days to weeks. I’ve been unable to walk or stand since March. On good days I can move some limbs while lying in bed. I can’t travel because every bump in the road sends me into full-body extreme spasms. Many times I am fully paralyzed, unable to move my legs or arms because the spasms are tighter than anyone can resist. Every movement can trigger a spasm, hence why I haven’t been scrolling around and being active. Right now I can move my left hand and right thumb to type this (no control of the right arm or other fingers on my right hand atm) but usually can’t move either of my arms, hands, or legs as they twist and contort beyond what a body should bend. It’s excruciatingly painful. I’ve been not responding well to the first line of treatment, and the second hasn’t had any progress. I’ve been bedbound for a long time and don’t know if/when I’ll be able to stand or walk again.

I’ve been staring at these hospital wall for 31 days. I haven’t seen outside in months because the light is so bright and I have to wear a blindfold in light environments (and we even have had to black out the windows because the light was too bright for my head). It’s been debilitating, lonely, and heartbreaking for me and my whole family. It’s been scary and lonely, but I am lucky enough to have both parents here for support. Any messages of support from anyone here would mean the world to me because I feel so alone in this. I don’t know how long I will be at this hospital, but it’s looking like at least a few weeks, possibly months.

Every day is a struggle battling my body and its spasms. I’ve had to cut my hair (it’s like a pixie cut now) because my condition made me have to cut it without a choice (I know it’s not a big deal to most people but I was very much emotionally attached to my hair and I’ve always had hair down to my lower back and it feels like a huge loss to me and still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. It was the last part of my appearance I hadn’t lost control over and it was and still is very emotional for me).

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to bring my service dog Taylor with me to the hospital because he’s too big and shakes me and the bed and sends me into spasms. I’ve never been away from him for this long and it’s been rough for him and I being away from him. He’s back home in New York and I’m hundreds of miles away. I miss him terribly. He used to be by my side every moment of every day wherever I went, so not having him here feels so lonely.

I’m lonely and scared and I have a long road ahead and could use any encouragement or support you can message me or anything.

The announcement of Lover was a huge thing for me, it gives me an attainable and reliable goal for something to look forward to, which I haven’t had in awhile. It is a godsend in this really challenging time to have some good news for once and a goal to keep me motivated and going through all the pain, tests, uncertainties, and fear. Every hard thing I go through now I can think to myself that I have the 23rd of August to look forward to and it has been pushing me along through all the difficult spasms and moments I’ve had since the announcement. I’m extremely thankful for this album and the songs released so far have meant everything to me. They get me through moments that I don’t know how else I could cope. Knowing this album is coming out gives me the strength to power through all the spasms and tests and shit they have to do, where beforehand I felt close to giving up.

Clean of course will always my anthem, but it seems to have taken a new meaning for me lately. I am in the rainstorm rn but I hope one day to be clean from this illness and back to my normal life. I’m thankful for the comfort and hope that song has always given me. But I am so excited to hear Lover, it’s really keeping me fighting.

But back to messages of support, I really need them and would be extremely grateful for any support or hope or anything at all. I’m really lonely and going through a lot with Stiff Person Syndrome, a one in a million with a variant that puts me at one in 5 million, and it’s a lonely battle. If you’ve read this far, thank you. I really need some support, and would love any message or ask or something, even though I can’t use this app for long and my hands are locking up again, I always can read or have someone show me messages and stuff like that. It would atm mean the world to hear from you guys during this whole thing. I miss you all terribly, and messages seem like a good way to communicate that

Thank you if you’ve read this far. I’m thankful to have your support as I battle this disease. I love you guys and I’m lucky to have you ❤️