#i call it autism wolf because its based on . autism. me

[qiekz]

idkk... i got bored and made an autism sparkledog

[plz reblog]

[runningw-thewolves]

Stray Kids X Fenrir Post (LONG POST)

(Cause why the Hell not?)

Today I found out that 1) someone made a Fenrir based tattoo sleeve design for Bang Chan and 2) not only has Bang Chan seen it, he has stated he might possibly get it. Now, I am a STAY, a Norse Pagan and a follower of Fenrir. I think you can figure out what my brain was doing processing all this.

(Also; THERE HAS BEEN HINTS TO NORSE MYTHOLOGY IN STRAY KIDS MUSIC VIDEOS!? STAY, do a wolf some assistance and pinpoint me to the videos and moments cause I NEED MY STRAY KIDS NORSE/VIKING CONTENT. Anyways...)

I am very Autistic when it comes to several of my favourite things coming together and creating a *chef's kiss* moment. This is no exception. It's why INK are my favourite band (metal, Emo and horror together? YES PLEASE) and now I have Stray Kids, Norse mythology AND LITERALLY MY FUCKING RELIGION? Holy fuck! *insert brain melt moment from Indiana Jones here*

So, I figured; let's talk about some of Stray Kids past works and Fenrir at the same time. Yep, a Stray Kids Fenrir themed playlist in the format of a Tumblr post by someone with Autism currently losing their damn mind.

Before we begin, let's get everyone acquainted who may be unfamiliar.

The Binding of Fenrir

'The Binding of Fenrir' is arguably the most famous tale involving Fenrir. Fenrir is the eldest child to Loki and Angrboda, his younger siblings being the Midgard Serpent, Jormungandr (who has beef with Thor, to keep it brief) and the future death Goddess, ruler and caretaker of the dead and arguably an important figure in Baldur's tragedy, Hel (or Hela).

Why was Odin interested in Fenrir? For one simple reason; he had been told a prophecy where a large and powerful wolf would kill him. I should point out this part of Odin and Fenrir's story is a very medieval trope of the paranoid king and his son destined to kill him. This case is no different; the downfall of the king is because of his own paranoia. Everything he does to try and prevent his downfall only solidifies it into existence. It's a common belief among many of us Heathens that Fenrir might have never considered going after Odin if Odin had just left Fenrir alone the whole time. Hell, there was the distinct possibility that Fenrir could've likely been an ally to Odin and the Aesir if it weren't for their fear and paranoia.

So, how does Fenrir get bound? Odin and a few others ride to the Iron Wood, the home of the Jotunn and Chieftess of the Chieftains of the Iron Wood, Angrboda, and forcefully take her children from her. Jormungandr strikes and either Odin or Thor (heavily debated) throws Jormungandr into the oceans of Midgard. Hel is immediately exiled from Asgard and sent to what is often dubbed 'Helheim'. Fenrir was kept in Asgard, primarily to keep an eye on him. He was scorned and mocked and treated with fear by the Gods, and no one dare approach him to feed him. Aside from one God; Tyr, the God of Justice. (Also a God of War himself but ssh.) Tyr befriended the young wolf and fed him.

Naturally, Fenrir grew. And very quickly. He soon domineered over the buildings of Asgard and the Gods grew paranoid of his strength and size. It was then decided for him to be bound. They tried on three separate occasions, telling Fenrir it was a game. The first time was some normal, ordinary chains. Fenrir broke those with a single movement of his paw. The second was a reinforced chain. These were a little tougher but they too were shattered. The Gods then got in contact with the Dwarves to create for them a special chain, named Gleipnir. This chain was presented to Fenrir, and its appearance - similar to that of a ribbon or thread - immediately made Fenrir suspicious. He only agreed to have himself bound if one person were to lose their hand should they go back on their word. Tyr was the one who offered (this is a HUGE deal, as Tyr is basically associated with business transactions, oaths and the likes. Loki even goes on to call this out in the poem 'Lokasenna' (Loki's Flyting)). Naturally, Fenrir is bound, he can't break free, Tyr loses an arm. Fenrir snaps at the laughing Gods' ankles and Odin shoves a sword through Fenrir's jaws. Fenrir will only be freed by the violent thrashing of his brother come Ragnarok, to which Fenrir will kill Odin. Some sources also say Fenrir eats the sun and moon, however this is a tricky subject as that act is often attested to two other wolves. There's plenty of theories but for this post, they are irrelevant.

Stray Kids Everywhere All Around The World

Stray Kids first became known by a survival TV show in late 2017. At the time, there was nine members. (For the sake of avoiding drama and cause the matter is done, I will be talking about Woojin but sticking to the facts. Everything from the drama was false (which I learned the hard way and am still trying to learn from); do not attempt to bring up the controversy in reblogs or replies or I will block you.) The members included (in order, starting with team leader then oldest to youngest); Bang Chan, Kim Woojin, Lee Minho, Seo Changbin, Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung, Lee Felix, Kim Seungmin, and Yang Jeongin. The group would debut in 2018 with the track "District 9". Upon debut, most of the members would continue using their names except for the following; Minho (would debut as Lee Know), Jisung (would debut as Han) and Jeongin (would debut as I.N.). Kim Woojin left the group in late 2019 around the time of the "Double Knot"/"Levanter" promotions. (Hence forth, Woojin is irrelevant. This is where we shall leave any mention of Woojin hence forth.

Stray Kids would go on to become a pretty big deal, even winning the competition TV show 'Kingdom' (let's not go over the whole MAMA bullshit, that would take a whole tray of paracetamol to get through), leading to the band being noticed by Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman. In the past year, several of the members have appeared or modeled for various designer brands (ignoring the politics of this for now; good on them for their success however).

Bang Chan and Fenrir's Connection

As was mentioned in the TikTok I linked earlier, Bang Chan is the member of the group who was a trainee for the longest amount of time. Chan had been training under JYP Entertainment for seven years by the time of the pre-debut TV show. Chan has mentioned several times in the past the anger and sadness he felt, connecting with other trainees only for them to leave (either from being fired, changing career paths or debuting before him - this was especially noted to be the case with groups TWICE and GOT7, where Chan is friends with members of the groups and even shared a dorm room with members of GOT7). It's not hard to imagine the amount of pressure Chan was under to debut on the survival show. Or the amount of pressure he put on himself and the rest of Stray Kids. This amount of pressure would rear its head when members Lee Know and Felix were eliminated (but would be brought back later and debut with the group). A clip from Felix's elimination gives a glimpse into how hard Chan was on himself.

I will not speculate Chan's thoughts or feelings, but if you dig into it, you can come to some conclusions quickly based on the surrounding context and what we know about Chan and Felix's friendship post-debut.

Fenrir is bound and thus cannot be free to show his true strength and power, held back by the Gods for fear of what or who he could be. In essence, some could argue that this is what made Fenrir stronger and the wolf we know today but that comes with the ridiculous amount of pain and torture the wolf felt. Sure, he became stronger, but at what cost? I would say this is the same question to consider when talking about Chan and Fenrir. Sure, Chan is a wise and strong leader now, but what was the cost? He's made it clear that at one point before debut (and other members have backed this up), he actively avoided connecting with people cause of how many friendships he watched crumble for one reason or another. There's even a clip from a livestream where Chan was noticeably angry with staff and you can see the visible fear and awkwardness from the other members. Again, will not speculate on what any of it could mean, but it does point to something Fenrir and Chan may also have in common. When they are angry, they are

PISSED.

However, it's also important to keep in mind the sort of things Fenrir teaches and encourages from a Norse Pagan/Heathen perspective, so...

Fenrir in Norse Spirituality

A common name attributed to Fenrir is "breaker of chains". When we're talking about what this means from a spiritual standpoint, it means to free yourself from your past, free yourself from expectations or demands of others that holds you down and to let go and live free. For many, this can meaning learning how to cope with mental illness and trauma, learning how to manage (not control) one's anger, how to fuel emotions into actions and remain within the present and not think about the past or the future.

I've also heard many people describe Fenrir as a special kind of 'military boot camp' strict. This is the best way I can describe it; imagine, if you will, that you are a house. Fenrir is the property surveyor (the person who checks houses for faults). Fenrir will go around and tell you everything that isn't sturdy, that has cracks or other faults. Not out of malice, but because if you don't fix this, all it takes is one bad day and your self-worth comes crashing to the ground. Fenrir will even go out of his way to test these parts of yourself, again not out of malice but to make sure you can withstand it. Going back to the house metaphor; imagine Fenrir pointed out your foundations were made with weak cement, so you redo the foundations. Fenrir isn't convinced until he can push into it or stand on it and find it can withstand the weight. (This doesn't go into how our emotions fluctuate daily, but hopefully you get what I'm trying to say.)

Fenrir is also oftentimes seen as an example of justified rage. The rage of youth being mocked by their elders for simply being young. The rage Black people feel when another officer shoots yet another unarmed Black person. The rage LGBTQIA+ people feel when one of their own is killed or assaulted for simply being in love or expressing who they are. The rage women feel when men try to take advantage of or gaslight them into accepting lower. The rage of Indigenous people watching as their lands get bombed, farmed, and in general colonized and ripped of all its worth until nothing remains.

With all these factors in mind, let's finally get to the meet of this. The Stray Kids songs one (like myself) can associate with Fenrir. I will include lyrics, and you're more than welcome to reply or reblog with songs I may have missed. So, without further ado; let's get cracking! (Please note I will be using OT8 songs primarily for this post, again to avoid drama or anyone dogpiling about the controversy.)

'Placebo' (3RACHA original; 2017, Stray Kids original; 2018, re-recorded; 2021.)

"The positive belief that will even heal my wounds Keep going, the Placebo that works on me Honestly, there’s no need to be negative Trust myself, throw away those extra thoughts"

'Placebo' is a song essentially about relying on yourself to get through your challenges, while acknowledging what is currently making you feel weak. The fear and worry about wondering if you will actually make it, but telling yourself you can despite your worries, being your own friends in your darkest moments. Felix's verse I think is almost entirely applicable to Fenrir (Felix even says "drop these rusty chains" - remember, Fenrir was first bound by chains before Gleipnir.)

"Miroh" (original; 2019, re-recorded; 2020)

"Poison, trap, toadstool you can set them up I'll survive in the end, whatever it takes I know your traps, you set them up And I stomp on them tougher There's only one answer, you just have to open it"

"Miroh" (Korean word for 'maze') is an EDM-style song about persevering through the challenges you face, head held high, trusting your instincts and knowing that one way or another you have prepared for this moment and you will make it out the other side. The chorus starts with a line explaining that the narrator (Stray Kids) decided to go into the city (the challenges) themselves and know what is coming, are ready for it and know they can make it through the trial. The song also uses various animal sound effects, including a tiger's roar in the chorus, a hawk's caw and a bird-filled jungle soundscape. (Fenrir is often reported to be associated with swamps and mountains, so the inclusion of wild animal noises fits perfectly here.)

'Red Lights' (2021)

"No matter how hard I try to escape, there's no answer Until I fall asleep in the sun, even deeper I really wanna know, yeah I've already lost control"

This song is performed by Bang Chan and Hyunjin, and according to Genius the song "about compulsion and confusion of ego and about obsession about doing something". One would think, with the sexy sound and concept of the track, it would imply something of a sexy nature. However, it can also be about anything that someone can grow obsessed with. Another person, a feeling, an action, a moment, etc. The line "Tell me you hate me" makes me think of Fenrir talking to Tyr. The music video for the track also heavily features Chan and Hyunjin in chains, so one could also argue the obsession to be the desire to escape from their chains.

"MANIAC" (2022)

"The real self has been released (Yup, yup) Barely holding on (Yup, yup) After blinking once, back Again, back to cosplaying as what society Defines normal to be pow"

'MANIAC' is a song with a visible influence from Mary Shelley's 'Frankenstein' as it explores one's individual uniqueness, the expectations of society (which can delve into toxic perfectionism/happiness, conformity etc) and how we as a people have hidden our inner 'maniac' to fit in with the world. Even when in Asgard, surrounded by the Aesir and Vanir, Fenrir was always gonna be Fenrir. Just by his mere nature, he was deemed an outcast for being a larger and stronger wolf than they had encountered before, something that within itself isn't a crime. Fenrir would likely always be looked down upon if he showed discomfort, anger or any sort of negative emotion. In this song, Stray Kids basically asks the listener to open up their true self, live their authentic selves and enjoy the life they've been given, essentially; "shed the chains society has forced upon you."

"BEWARE" (original; 2018, re-recorded; 2020)

"My current state, the way I talk, my actions I know I shouldn't be like this But everything goes the opposite way I want you to understand me I don't know what will happen Again today, I'm barking"

Remember when I talked about Fenrir and justifiable rage and I brought up youth being angry with elders being condescending with them? This song is my 'case and point'. Going back to what I mentioned in 'MANIAC', no matter what Fenrir did the Aesir were likely not going to view him in a positive light. Ask any person who has tried to get on the good side of someone who couldn't care for them and you'll often find descriptions of growing tire, frustration and rage. Sometimes, we are going to encounter this in life - whether it be a boss who treats us poorly, a colleague/acquaintance/friend gossiping or lying about us behind our back, a family member who has expectations for you that you can't reach no matter what you try etc. Fenrir is no stranger to this; he experienced it firsthand living amongst the Aesir. That rage one feels in these moments is a healthy rage, a voice, which you will find is either being encouraged by Fenrir or is Fenrir himself, screaming at you "This isn't right, I shouldn't be treated like this!"

"SCARS" (2021)

"I'll never cry because I know that it'll never change I'll stay standing and endure it in an unknown place There will be many times I'll almost fall, but Alone, I reach out my hand, alone, I stand back up"

Sometimes, when we face hurdles in our lives we will feel sadness, sorrow or despair. If there's one thing I want to end this made tangent about, it's this; you will face challenges and it's OK to not be happy about it. It's alright to cry, to scream and wail and sob, to shed tears, feel fear, embarrassment, etc. It's alright if you need to punch a pillow or cry yourself to sleep. Remember; Chan probably did the same. For seven years. Fenrir probably did too, stuck within his personal Hell. But if there's one thing you should take from both of them, it's that you are stronger than you think you are. You can survive, you will survive. You will see the light on the other side one day; all it requires is fighting through the pain, even if that means crying from the hurt. We don't leave this life unscathed; we all will die with countless scars, both physical and mental. Be kind to yourself, know you are worthy of being alive right now, and you have the strength to push onwards. Carry the strength of Fenrir - and the strength of Bang Chan and Stray Kids - with you and remember you aren't alone fighting against the chains you've found yourself bound in.

(TLDR; an Autistic Norse Pagan loses were mind when were discovers a Fenrir tattoo design for Chan, goes on a long Stray Kids and Fenrir rant.)

[warpolomewdarkmatter]

gomens trending again got me thinking about the parallels between aziraphale & crowley and of course the alltime faves warp & buzz... [SPOILER FREE POST]

idk its just! something ive been pondering is the structure of star command and its grabbag mix of peacekeeping / police / military / law enforcement functions and its ineffective & flawed structure and principles. even in blosc canon i think buzz is unquestioningly devoted to it because he is not, and has never been, directly opressed by, if i may call it that, the police state + he does believe that he as a space ranger works for the great good and general forces of justice... and yet! and yet he regularly goes against sc's rules and regulations on a whim! from disrespecting lives and privacy of perceived criminals (mocking, mind probing, other stuff i cant remember explicit examples for) to, on the other hand, not bringing them to justice or generally showing sympathy (looking at the ending of ancient evil of course, but also gravitina & millenial bugs bc ozma was breaking the law for sure there, no?). and he is also AWARE of how the system is not fair and "stacked against us" as shown in lone wolf! which makes me think he has some unexamined internal conflict about his job/calling--like aziraphale!!!

and on the other hand... sighs lovingly. and in the other corner we have warp who is obviously against star command (to what extent and based on what beliefs we unfortunately aren't shown) yet i think has never challenged its systems and operations openly, only subversively worked against em. maybe that's because in canon the whole time he had been a space ranger he was also secretly working against sc & for that reason he never cared enough to ever attempt to change sc or convince buzz they/he needed to change it ("convince buzz to do it" because buzz's a posterboy & the best & wrote actual RULEBOOK for star command--so he probably could've done a lot of improvements). and also for warp this whole star command thing was always just a job/cover so he wouldn't do all this hard unpaid work of Bringing On Systematic Changes that wouldn't benefit him immediately. BUT! imagine!!! if warp HAD to stick with the job--if he was forced to live and work under a fucked up rigorous unfair system encouraging blind obedience--as the angels and crowley had to!!--he wouldve rebelled SO FAST. punk demon warp + autism angel buzz for forever and a day!!!

so in conclusion in gomens/blosc crossover warp quits heaven day 1 and then after a lot of talking and questioning the established order of things and gomens-typical shenanigans buzz&warp must go from "a demon and an angel" to "two blokes fucking around" & go awol together married style. love wins?!

edit [STILL SPOILER-FREE]: i wrote this post before watching gomens season 2 and rereading/recontextualizing it now i keep thinking Wow. Did I Hit That Nail On The Head, especially with the buzz and aziraphale parallels. as i put it on twitter: "stubborn holier than thou autistic guy who genuinely believes the oppressive system hes working for is good and just" and "sexiest motherfucker on earth (who secretly cares)". the ending of s2 was almost a reversal of the buzz&warp main conflict which is DELICIOUS actually... with much more explicit gayness mixed in. fun! fun fun fun.

[taisniere]

[English] Why am I a badger?

[Sorry for my bad English, I’m French. I do my best]

As far back as I can remember, I have always felt non-human and animal. Today, I decided to take stock. Explain to you why the badger in particular and not another animal.

Memories of youth:

I have always perceived myself as animal, as far as I can remember (we will say around my 5 years). 

I strongly remember this need to "burrow" (The Magic Bus, My underground adventure, The Lion King 3 ...), dig, dig, dig and create my own little underground cave. Put my hands in the mud and get me dirty. I got a lot of reprimands because of this, from the older people, I was told that the insects I could touch snuck into my clothes to get into my body overnight. I also got mockery from other kids. At that time, I found it more logical to feed myself on insects and snakes than "normal" food, I scratched the ground of my park in search of earthworms and snails. I did the same at the beach, my dream being to have a gigantic sand burrow. I could spend many hours there, "legs" in the grass.

At that time, I already felt this need to bite, scratch, sniff etc. (I will not go into details) to appropriate my body but also my favorite objects. I felt the intense need to score.

Looking for information on my past, my mother told me that I had an obsession with animal tails and that I dreamed of having one. Indeed, in my dreams, my imaginary friends all had one. So it was logical that I have one too! So I started to disguise myself as critters. I had a very hot panther disguise but that I was keen to wear also in summer. My parents then scolded me for not listening to them.

I remember. I played Pokemon Silver a lot and, after that, I had the idea of ​​visualizing myself in the form of a Cyndaquilor and a Sandslash (two Pokemon badgers, by chance). In the game, my "starter" (my starting Pokemon) was called by my name and my main character was called "Human". I had made a whole family of Pokemon and I imagined my life with it. Because I was, in my eyes, the Pokemon and not the trainer.

I remember I was noisy, talkative too. I liked to scold, growl, purr when I played the animal (especially with friends where everyone had power. Mine was - of course - to change me into the animal of my choice). It seemed logical to me. I liked to visualize myself as an animal from a very young age from what I could understand.

Bigger, after my 12 years, I started to perceive myself as a small animal, very probably omnivorous and nocturnal (this animal became over time a wolf, then a raccoon dog, then a fox ... to reach the badger). The night made me serene. I wanted to have small animals and really behave like their “mom”.

I dreamed a lot. I always imagined the same story. I was a human-animal (often a fox) stranded in a zoo and forced to become human to "fit the mold". It was painful but I couldn't stop thinking about it. Like an exuctor...

My current daily life:

On a daily basis, I am this animal, with a heavy and clumsy gait and not very agile and its arched back close to the ground, I am called the "vulture" for this reason.

I walk barefoot on the asphalt. I always take the same paths as the badger always goes through the same flows. I want people to understand that my pace is slow and off-beat, and that I can walk slowly while everyone else is running. That I find it more logical to browse in all corners than to trace straight ahead. I am curious, more opportunistic than hunter.

I want people to understand that, paradoxically in my gait, I can be nervous, on the lookout and terribly anxious outside of my established den. More prey than predator, I can stop, turn around with a start, contract my invisible ears, roll up my phantom limbs and growl in a weak breath ... and that for a simple sudden noise or an unexpected agitation. Sniffing everywhere does me good and is part of my daily life.

I find myself between two extremes: I am generally fierce and fearful towards strangers but I can become exuberant and agitated quickly after discovering that they did not want to hurt me. I hate the crowd and I like little commits. I am sociable and I like to have my little "clan" of friends. I trust too quickly. I really enjoy meeting new people even if, in this kind of situation, I remain a little tense and shy. I can strangely move from a state of calm solitude and reflection, to a state of anxiety and surveillance, to a state of hysterical joy, simply because the stress has eased.

Well, I think I am gregarious while having a real need for solitude even when I am with my closest friends or even my boyfriend, just for a moment. I am the badger who likes the company but who feels the need to "hunt" alone to recharge (I mean by "hunting" to eat insects and not really to hunt big animals). From a relational point of view, I am monogamous and I have a loyalty to the extreme, I am not jealous but get attached too quickly.

I am very expressive, my facial expressions and gestures are on the verge of caricature. I like to make my emotions understood by the way I move, speak, express myself, all in excess. I'm not very tactile with people I don't know very much. However, in a private setting, with my boyfriend, I am extremely playful. Maybe too much? I think it's natural to nibble, lick, jostle or go to bed afterwards to show my affection for him. In the game, I often feel the need to "subdue" it by lowering it to the ground. This is what seems to me the most logical in this game of "lovers".

I like to groom, rub myself, lick too. It is essential to mark each other (it is essential in my eyes) to create this bond of mutual belonging.

Noises allow me to express myself better than any way. I want to be able to groan to the fullest, growl in a breath and spit when I'm scared. I want to open my mouth, present my non-existent fangs and give claws that I don't have.

Conversely, I want to chuckle and squeak and purr with pleasure while coiling and rubbing my big ghost legs. There is something very sweet and reassuring about this.

As a general rule, I am very sensitive to smell, to my smell and that of others. Sniffing clothes (of my companion and myself) seems reassuring and logical. Our world is filled with scents and everything smells natural to me.

Like the badger, by chance, my eyesight is poor, I like to focus on my hearing. Since childhood, and probably because of my autism, noises warn me of a danger. I jump regularly, each sound tells me if I'm safe or not. A surplus of sounds can really make me panic. I am on the lookout for the slightest gesture or suspicious noise (doorbell, champagne cork ...)

I am afraid of things that are too big, too bright, too odorous-toxic, or too noisy.

I want to stop paying my head when I refuse to go to the movies or at a party because it is something "that people my age normally appreciate". I prefer to stay warm, quiet, take care of my business because I like to do things by myself ( like the huge burrows that are my websites ).

I repeat myself, I am terribly anxious and anxious by nature. Nothing makes me panic. I often ruminate, I live in permanent fear. I can not stand the crowd or find myself in a place "dead end" or too large (I walk along the walls). As said above, I can't stand the noises too loud to the point of actually making me panic.

I am generally noisy. I like to make noise. I like to reproduce animal cries, squeaks, chuckles, purrs, grunts) during games, fear, anger. It seems logical to me to express myself thus and quickly translate my emotion to my interlocutor. As said above, I express myself in caricatures. In front of my boyfriend, I reproduce certain facial expressions (show the fangs), and use certain positions of the body according to the situations (submission / dominance / game),

Sometimes I have a digitigrade approach but I perceive my creature as plantigrade. I see myself as the badger who walks on tiptoe when "it suits him".

My approach is heavy, clumsy and awkward. I am often set back when I walk with my friends, for lack of my slowness. I don't like to go fast. I like to browse everywhere, look around and warn of potential danger.

It's strange to admit, but I'm territorial. Since small. I hate that one can enter my room without authorization. It is my bedroom. My burrow.

Conversely, I feel bad in unknown places and more particularly empty spaces. I have a lot of panic attacks about this and I need to be treated.

I like to "make the animal". Scratch objects to appropriate them for me. Nibble on what falls under my paw to see my own body. I lick and scratch like a badger. It's my way of accepting my creature and my animality.

I am a nocturnal. I am alive when night falls. I become more productive, more restless. I like the day and the sunbeams, but I feel safer in the dark.

I don't particularly like the hierarchy but I like to perceive myself as "leader". I value my role as "chef", I like to direct and organize everything. I regularly worry about losing "my rank". However, I hardly ever show any aggressiveness.

I like to be "visible". I like to be noticed in groups of friends. I like to be exuberant and display very colorful clothes (like the atypical badger stripes). I like to be recognized from afar and stand out from others while being part of a group.

My phantom limbs:

My fangs are my most recurring phantom limbs.

They are large, thick but not necessary made for shredding meat. This feeling forces me to keep the "mouth" slightly open because of the imposing shape of these teeth. My jaw seems, sometimes, attached directly to my skull, forcing me to eat without lateral movements and without "chewing" my food as a human could.

I rarely feel my limbs being ghosted or completely unpredictable. However, I regularly feel that my phantom ears can make a "forward / backward" gesture and this only, as can badgers with their ears.

I feel my phantom tail even if the feeling is quite "vague". It starts from the base of my spine, it is rather short and seems to swing in the sandstone of my movements. It remains static, whatever my emotions. It only stands in certain situations

I don't Real have phantom claws as such, but visualizing my fingers like long claws seems logical to me.

My unfeasible needs for my human body:

I think it makes sense to dig yourself (not steal borrow) your burrow to live there. I had a fixette on the burrows being small, especially when I was digging my "hole" at the beach all day. But my claws were not "powerful" enough,

which was very unpleasant to me.

Living in a burrow, far from danger, reassures me.

Live in this little underground world accompanied by my badger companions, sheltered from everything, isolated from the world.

I would like to use these claws to scratch and claw the trees around me, to leave my mark there, my passage,

because it is about my territory. I suffer from not being able to utter certain cries which seem to me "logical". My vocal cords are not the right ones. I really suffer from it

Physical need:

My body makes me suffer and I have real dysphoria.

I would like to be small, lively, legs plantigrade but with a digitigrade gait, more "

short on legs"

. My joints are not the right ones. My legs are too long compared to my arms.

My beardless naked skin really disgusts me, my chin should be nonexistent, my lips bother me. I should have thick fur. I see myself well with a long snout and vibrissae. Round or pointed, I need ears on the top of my head. I would like to feel these fangs in my mouth and these long, non-retractable claws at my fingertips.

I WANT this bushy tail that we mustelids, no matter its size (as long as it is larger than that of a bear, a hamster or a rabbit). I don't like my body and all of its forms (the chest, for example).

Finally, I really need to have a subcaudal gland to mark my territory as well as my loved ones.

[deltaengineering]

Fall Anime 2019 Part 4: also, he has a gun for a head

Beastars

So here’s the CG anime that everyone for some reason decided way in advance would be the best show of the season, more or less by default. I was very skeptical of this for a multitude of reasons. First of all, that is a bad name for a show and you can’t convince me otherwise. It’s actually even worse because you’re supposed to write it in all caps, but I refuse. Second, it has a terribly on the nose conceit in which all sorts of animals live together in a high school setting and it’s all metaphorical ‘n shit. The main character is a wolf but get this, he’s actually all sensitive and quiet! Yeah, this is definitely rated D for Deep. And finally it’s by Orange, the CG studio that got an inordinate amount of acclaim for making Houseki no Kuni, the show that everyone thinks looks great and finally made CG anime worthwhile (actual real fact: HnK does not look great most of the time and CG anime was worthwhile well before it). 

But enough about my preconceptions since Beastars is... pretty good, actually. If you ignore the setting, which is indeed terribly on the nose. And there’s not much else to say about the story so far besides it. However, it looks significantly better than Houseki no Kuni because it actually has really good character animation throughout instead of a one-minute action scene with flashy spinny camera tricks every other episode. The directing’s strong too, even if the show conspicuously mainly consists of obvious manga panels. I’m still not too hot on the animal stuff but the general writing seems to be sufficiently competent it would work simply on a character level. So I don’t love it, but it seems solid enough to see if it goes somewhere with its “Zootopia but also Beverly Hills 90210 but also they eat each other sometimes″ plot.

Rifle is Beautiful

Remember the whole “anime about some assorted anime girls joining a club doing an oddly specific activity” thing? This is another one of those, and now it’s about air rifle sports shooting. Except it’s not about air rifle sports shooting because that’s apparently way too violent, so they use rifles that look like exactly like air rifles but are actually based on lasers or really bright flashlights (they can’t keep their bullshit straight between scenes, sorry) instead. I just don’t think “girls doing activities” anime should blatantly misrepresent their subject matter like that, you know? With the possible exception of idol anime that is, ain’t nobody who wants to hear about that shit. Apart from that it’s nothing special, so if you are really into air rifles and wish to watch an anime that’s not about those, knock yourself out. It goes through a whole “club needs 5 members” arc in the first half of the first episode, so I really can’t say where it goes next. Nowhere much, I would guess.

Oh right, there’s one more thing: They frequently render the bodies in CG and the heads in traditional drawings, and they do it every time when they’d actually have to draw a rifle otherwise. It’s a weird effect that I think I haven’t seen anywhere else before, and it’s not great but also not terrible. And it’s the most interesting thing about the entire show.

Kabukicho Sherlock

“Let’s take a bunch of public domain characters and put them into a hip modern setting” seems to be its own genre at the moment, and not only because the BBC did that with S. Holmes, Esq. already. Obviously this show is influenced by that (besides other public domain namedroppers like Bungou Stray Dogs), mostly in Watson and his relationship with Sherlock, but Sherlock-san is rather different here; he’s neither the classic Victorian bohemian nor the abrasive sociopath of the BBC version, and tends more towards a bumbling 90s pop culture version of autism and/or general wackiness here. These two are surrounded by a bunch of campy transvestites for some reason, and I’m not quite sure whether I’m supposed to find this particular stereotype offensive or empowering this week, but it sure is annoying. And it has the same character designer as Joker Game, so if you like chiseled, angular anime men, you’re in for a treat here - even if they tend to wear a lot of makeup and dresses sometimes. I don’t know man, it seems sort of okay-ish for the most part but it’s neither as funny as they think, nor as weird as they think, nor is the murder of the week intriguing at all. Oh yeah, he’s hunting noted public domain character Jack the Ripper. Because of course he is.

 Shin Chuuka Ichiban!

I am told this is the sequel to episode 19 of a 52-episode anime TV show from 1997. Okay. I am also told to not dare watch this without the important setup therein, which makes me think I should pay less attention to what I’m told because understanding Shin Chuuka Ichiban and its backstory is not hard at all. Kid is superawesome cooking champion in ancient China and goes around clowning on lesser cooks, got it. It’s not a complicated setup and it’s not a complicated genre either: This seems to be mostly about sick shounen cooking duels. Besides the setting, the main difference between this and Shokugeki no Soma seems to be that SnS goes for ridiculous and Chuuka Ichiban goes for epic - which is to say that it fancies itself emotional as well. Apart from that it’s what you’d expect from a cooking shounen, big moves, big reactions, huge twists and so on. One notable thing is that this show looks really, really nice. Production I.G seems to be establishing a sideline in taking stuff from the 90s and updating it with smoother animation and shinier lighting, while keeping the overall look intact; They did it for Mahoujin Guru Guru, and this looks much the same. Still, I’m just fundamentally not really interested in what appears to be a very straightforward cooking shounen from the 90s.

Assassins Pride

Straight from the Department of Chuuni, we have this light novel masterpiece about a cool as fuck teenage assassin who teleports behind u and nothin personells fools all day. He then meets a princess he’s supposed to off but just kinda decides not to, probably because she seems to be smitten by his m’lady act. Now he has to use his sick skillz to keep them both alive. It’s awful and terrible and no good and also kind of adorable. This truly is the most 13 AND A HALF MOM years old anime in a while, and it’s not even isekai! The writing’s just so amateurish and corny you can’t help but smile when princesses exposit their backstory for no reason while being accosted by pumpkin monsters (without knowing that Awessassin McCooldude happens to be listening in, which is certainly convenient). Or when the episode ends with the man just reading the synopsis of the show out again, in case you were too fascinated by this plot to pay attention to what it’s about. Yeah I’m not going to watch this in a thousand years, but it sure made me chuckle. Your mileage may vary.

Mugen no Juunin - Immortal

Speaking of 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔢𝔱𝔦𝔢𝔰 𝔢𝔡𝔤𝔢, another anime adaptation of Blade of the Immortal appeared! You know, the manga for the cultured and historically minded guro fan. The first episode of Blade of the Immortal runs with this and is an arthouse production that someone most definitely directed the shit out of. I don’t think I’ve seen this much directing since, well, Sarazanmai, but “Ikuhara amounts of directing” is pretty much the idea here. And most of the time it even works! The quickly edited, disorienting style gives episode 1 a feeling closer to horror than to a cool swordmen action show, and that really brings out the best in the material, which is grotesque splatter bordering on the comical - It’s somehow a better Junji Ito anime than the actual Junji Ito anime. I think it tries too hard in a few places, but at least it does try.

But then I watched the second episode and that one’s a fairly conventional splatter-comedy swordin’ anime. I am not at all pleased with this development. The third episode was better again and seemed to split the difference between 1 and 2, even if it mostly uses the tricky editing to save on effort in the action –  I would much prefer actually readable fights and the wacky mannerisms in the more psychological stuff, thank you very much. Based on episode 1 I thought we might have something special here, but as of episode 3 I’d already merely call it pretty decent. I guess I’ll still stick with it but man, that’s a real bummer.

No Guns Life

No Guns Life is a neo-noir thriller about a guy who has a gun for a head. That’s fuckin rad and exactly the kind of silliness I am totally down for. He also has a gun for a hand, and there’s also some battle nun’s who carry revolvers with two cylinders, so in short I think the title is false advertising. This sounds very wacky (and it is), but it also takes its noir very seriously, down to details more wannabe neo-noirs tend to neglect (like being set right after a big war). The look and feel is pretty excellent, with sharp design and high-contrast artwork, and the music goes all in on the moody saxophone as you’d expect. And there’s some really adorable “look mom, I’m writing” stuff about how Man With Gun For A Head really “needs someone to pull his trigger” and so on (which is, as the astute reader might remember, at the back of his head). It feels like a throwback but then I can’t really think of many 80s/90s shows like this, so it’s actually more like the sort of faux-retro idea Trigger/Imaishi would come up with on a lark. Trigger/Imaishi would, of course, make a far worse anime out of it, so it’s all good. Well, it has some pacing problems and as always it’s a fine line between amusingly camp and not so amusingly camp anymore, but No Guns Life seems to have enough real qualities that it can probably stand on its own even when its conceptual gimmick eventually doesn’t suffice anymore. I give it a two gun’s up.

Hoshiai no Sora / Stars Align

And finally, here’s an anime about middle schooler softboys playing a tennis just as soft as themselves, while being henpecked by the elites on the girl’s team. This is not an “actual” sports anime though: for starters, it’s not based on some shounen manga and is an anime original with quite some staff pedigree instead. It’s also more of a character drama that already goes to some surprisingly real places by the end of episode 1, reminiscent of the recent and quite good Run with the Wind. Furthermore, it looks delicious, with minimalist but distinctive and varied character designs and animation that’s both extremely detailed for a TV anime and also not trying to shove that fact into your face with flashy stunt cuts. In short, this show seems very simple at first glance but every aspect of it just oozes quality. If nothing else, it’s already worth watching just for the excellent ending sequence where the characters show off their “best” dance moves and the chunky student council president dunks on everyone. This one caught me by surprise and it’s an easy pick for most promising show of the season.

[plasmachaos]

About the Mun

Tagged by: @branch-chief--faba​ and I think someone else tagged me- if you did I’m so sorry but I’ve lost the mention post ;m;!

Tagging: @blazing-kitten-litten​ @plasma-grunt--regina​ @tigernightfury14​ @lightning365​ @trainercolress​ @kawaiigoth13​ @beautiful-lusamine​ @pyroarofghouls​ @champofpallet​ @lysandre-of-flare​

[And anyone else who wants to do it, consider yourself tagged! Those who have been tagged don’t feel obligated to do this! :3)

RULES: answer the questions and tag 15 (lol how ab out 10 tho) blogs you want to know better.

Nicknames: In RL: Ali, Al, Ali-Baba (though this one is often to annoy me XD) Online; Sooty, Soots, Shivu, Shivvy, Plasma

Star Sign: Virgo

Height: 5 ft 6 or 7?

Time Right Now: 22:33

Last thing I Googled: ‘Is cream cheese the same thing as soft cheese’

Last Movie I Watched: The Electric Piper- it’s one of those ‘lost media’ films that I saw on a list by blameitonjorge on YouTube :3

It perked my interest because it was the only one of the list that wasn’t really a part of a long-running series

It’s decent, I guess! Kinda like a more child-friendly Footloose in  a sense and, of course, based on the story of the Pied Piper

Last TV Show I watched: Animal Cops Houston, I think?

When did I create this blog: September 2013! So the blog is, what, 4 years old now? 

Why I choose my URL: Well originally it was shivuthewolf! Yes, for some reason people are surprised to find out Shivu was also the name of my fursona- and is still the name of my fursona! (come on guys, it’s right there in Shivu’s profile)

(Essentially there are two Shivus- the wolf, and the human. Why? Because I don’t see the point in making two different characters who are going to be exactly the same in personality anyway!)

I changed it because the blog was originally going to be an art blog related to my comic but I changed my mind! I thought Plasmachaos was the name of one of the Team Plasma themed TCG decks, but upon looking it up it’s not? 

So I’m not sure where it came from!

Gender: Male.

Hogwards House: I don’t know? I haven’t read Harry Potter though I’ve seen the first three movies numerous times (mum loves them)

I think Slithereen is the bad one right? So... The good one?

Pokemon Team: In Moon? Mismagius (Missy, Lv. 69), Toucannon (Pedro, Lv. 67), Alolan Muk (Diesel, Lv. 69), Primarina (Zero, Lv. 67), Jolteon (Cheetah, Lv. 66), Magmar (Firestorm, Lv. 65)

Wanna know the meaning behind the names? Of course you do!

Missy- Name of one my sister’s cats (she now lives in Canada- the cat I mean!) and also makes sense cos of the Pokemon’s name

Pedro- Name of the red-crested cardinal in the film Rio (who looks similar to the bird Pikipek is based on)

Diesel- as its colours are based on oil spillages 

Zero- I believe someone drew a picture making connections between Popplio and Zero from The Nightmare Before Christmas? :3 That’s why!

Cheetah- Based on the electric cheetah-wolf of the same name from Arevn92′s comic Chakra

Firestorm- a typo from the book series Warrior Cats in which a character is supposed to be named Firestar

Favourite Colour: I really liked bright colours! Blue and yellow are my favourites but you add red to that you got a raINBOW MY DUDES

Lucky Number: Call me uncreative but... 7? 

Favourite Character: Honestly I have too many to mention! I like so many characters for a variety of reasons- though its usually the hyper ones I will be honest XD 

Number of Blankets: On what? My bed? The sofa? The ferrets hutch? Either way it’s a lot

Name: It’s a secret I tell to people a lot but SHHH 

It’s Alex

Birthday: September 21st

Siblings: One sister and one brother (both older)

Favorite Smell: I like a lot of sweet smells? You know, vanilla, chocolate, gingerbread, coffee (I guess it’s subjective on whether or not that’s sweet but still)

But there are a few smells that bring back memories for me! Musty smells remind me of my grandparent’s house (before we moved in!) and always gives me a sense of adventure as it’s how our attic generally smells (and if you know me, you know my attic is a great source of adventure)

That and stew (or just onions and meat being cooked) always reminds me of just home! x3

Pets: Two fuzzy noodles (ferrets) but if you want to get technical as a family we own two dogs and four cats (two extra if you count my sister’s cats)

Wake Up: Generally 8am- my aforementioned brother has severe autism and goes to a day centre and as I’m his sole carer I’m the one to get him ready in the mornings :3

Sleep: *snorts* early! About 9 or 10... Okay, 11... Fine! It’s more like 2am!

Type of phone: Motorola! Don’t ask me which type

I used to be so knowledgeable about phones but now I’m just like “it’s the one where I can touch the screen and magic happens”

Love or Lust: FOOD No okay, I’ll say love XD I honestly think it’s a very important aspect- not just in a romantic relationship but also in any friendship! Okay, that sounds mushy but for real- platonic love homies!

Lemonade or Tea: LEMONADE 

Cats or Dogs: BOTH

Coke or Pepsi: Both is good but I prefer Pepsi

Day or Night: BOOOOTH

Text or Call: Both? 

Make up or natural: I don’t personally wear makeup but I think whatever makes you feel more comfortable!

Met a Celebrity: If I did I didn’t notice. 

I know I’ve met a few members of the Belfast Giants (the ice hockey team who plays here, they often visit the cafe) and I didn’t know who they were but one of them mentioned they played ice hockey and one of my co-workers slung his arm over my shoulder and goes, “Hey I’ll bet this guy here could take you on!” Me, again not realising these guys were professionals, agreed and proudly stated I could beat all three of them in a game Only after did I realise who they were but they seemed to find it funny! XD

Smile or Eyes: I just got a weird image of like nothing but a mouth and eyes and I’m scared ;w; Erghh I think eyes? Frequently I can tell a lot about someone by their eyes!

Light or Dark Hair: Idk man, either or 
 Shorter or Taller: WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME ALL THIS I guess shorter? But why? Who is this? My ideal partner? My crime fighting buddy? My post apocalyptic friend?  
 Intelligence or Attraction: I don’t knooooow 
 Chapstick or Lipstick: Please let me go home, my family misses me and I miss them

City or Country: BOTH 
 Last Song Heard: Bolt OST it’s a song now shut it

Fruit or Vegetables: FRUIT

Anime or Cartoons: Both? Though fun fact; I used to hate anime! :D 
 Phone Case: None, it’s just black XD 
 Showers or Baths: We only have a shower- I prefer to get the deed of washing done and over with asap so that’d be what I’d pick anyway XD

Dream Job: I’d love to work in an animal sanctuary! But sadly, no such paid job exists in my country and I can’t really move away because of obligations to my brother :(

Milk and Cookies or Doughnuts and Coffee: BOTH BABY

[fightstudysmile]

Summer reads 2017

Since new academic year begun last October, I think I haven’t read a single book for fun until the end of June this year. Yeah, I’ve read some fanfiction during bus rides to school or before falling asleep at night but nothing really substantial (that’s not to say that fanfiction can’t be better than original books, I love me some fanfiction).

So here is a list of things I’ve read or started to read during the last two months with mini reviews. It’s not that much but I’m really happy it’s at least something.

THE REASON I JUMP: THE INNER VOICE OF A THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOY WITH AUTISM by Naoki Higashida

Using an alphabet grid to painstakingly construct words, sentences, and thoughts that he is unable to speak out loud, Naoki answers even the most delicate questions that people want to know. Questions such as: “Why do people with autism talk so loudly and weirdly?” “Why do you line up your toy cars and blocks?” “Why don’t you make eye contact when you’re talking?” and “What’s the reason you jump?”

If you’re in any way or form interested in the topic of autism or simply the ways human mind can work, I recommend you read this. I found this seriously enlightening and in a way eye-opening, but keep in mind I don’t have all that much knowledge about autism.  

THE BOY IN RED + A WOLF IN HUNTER’S CLOTHING by E. M. Holloway

Fourth and fifth books in a series called The Sum of Its Parts, which was originally a fanfiction by KouriArashi (who blogs over at @gingersnapwolves) loosely based on the TV show Teen Wolf (and waaaaay better than the show, in my humble opinion). The author herself turned in into an original story that separates itself from the fanfiction (and the show) by making several changes. 

Here is the synopsis for the first book: “When a young woman is found murdered on the property she used to own, her brother enlists Puck Schneider - the nosiest teenager in Arcadia Lake - to help him find out who killed her. It doesn't take Puck long to realize that he's getting way more than he bargained for, as he's drawn into a world of werewolves, monsters, and murder.”

What sets it apart for me is the representation of some different mental health problems (that are eventually dealt with in healthy way, imagine that), sexualities, gender identities, kinds of relationships etc. while still having a real solid plot, characters, mystery and excitement.  

FAMILY DON’T END WITH BLOOD: CAST AND FANS ON HOW SUPERNATURAL HAS CHANGED LIVES by Lynn S. Zubernis

You don’t see it on this blog but if you ever saw my other blog at @somethingstolove, you know I’m really invested in TV show called Supernatural even though I haven’t seen most episodes from the latest seasons. 

This book a compilation of pieces written by fans, cast and crew members about how the show changed and influenced their lives, as it says in the title. Of course it’s mostly for fans of the show, members of SPN family, but I think anyone can read it and see the different ways a “simple” TV show can have an impact on someone’s life. Funny, inspiring, sad, hopeful… it’s all in there.

THRONE OF GLASS by Sarah J. Maas

I don’t really know what to say about this other than that I was disappointed and stopped reading about halfway through… I guess I expected something a bit different than what I got.

I AM MALALA: THE STORY OF THE GIRL WHO STOOD UP FOR EDUCATION AND WAS SHOT BY THE TALIBAN by Malala Yousafzai and Christina Lamb

I come from a country that was created at midnight. When I almost died it was just after midday. When the Taliban took control of the Swat Valley in Pakistan, one girl spoke out. Malala Yousafzai refused to be silenced and fought for her right to an education. On Tuesday, October 9, 2012, when she was fifteen, she almost paid the ultimate price. She was shot in the head at point-blank range while riding the bus home from school, and few expected her to survive. Instead, Malala's miraculous recovery has taken her on an extraordinary journey from a remote valley in northern Pakistan to the halls of the United Nations in New York. At sixteen, she has become a global symbol of peaceful protest and the youngest-ever Nobel Peace Prize laureate.

I don’t think there’s many people around the world who haven’t at least heard her name or part of her story. I heard about her a bit but never knew much - I knew she was a teenager who fought for a girls’ education and was shot because of that and miraculously survived but I didn’t know any of the whys and hows. So when I saw this book on a library shelf I wanted to give it a try.

It wasn’t exactly what I expected - I expected more of Malala’s story and more about what happened after she was shot and I didn’t expect to get history and culture lesson thrown in. I think that kind of slowed the book down in some places and while some information felt redundant and kind of… thrown in randomly… I enjoyed it and it made me understand the whys.

Have you read a book from my list? What did you think? Do you have any recommendations for interesting books?