#i can feel the fucked up sleep schedule
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seriously can catastrophes stop happening for five minutes my brain is already fried from the ones we're already experiencing
#I fucking. missed d&d tonight by accident#I straight up forgot#and just didn't show up to the session#my sleep schedule is absolutely fucked#I should be sleeping now but brain won't shut up#my creative output is the lowest it's ever been and I've been in some level of depressive funk since like early january#I am just deeply unfathomably exhausted#like mentally and spiritually#all the time#my memory and sense of time are both shit#my spelling is worse than it used to be for some reason??#I really don't know what to do to make my brain start functioning again it's frankly worrying me#I couldn't even handle college so it should come as no surprise that I'm reacting poorly to the world being a perpetual screaming trash fir#and yet#idk it's been hitting again lately that I have never succeeded at anything in my life and just keep tripping and falling up for some reason#fucking everyone is in hell right now and with my overall success rate I should be dead in a ditch but I'm actually doing spectacularly#due to a series of improbable accidents and weird circumstances that happened to turn out in my favor instead of completely fucking me#aside from the looming spectre of my various failed attempts to have some kind of life trajectory#it just doesn't feel like this can keep up forever#like surely at some point the luck has got to run out I can't just keep living like some kind of folkloric trickster archetype#but my motivation and sense of purpose kind of died after the last failed attempt so I'm still just here#doing whatever this is#maybe I should drive out to the coast#maybe staring at the ocean would fix me I've been away from it for too long#I mean it can't make me worse#I should wait until further into summer though so I don't have to drive back in the dark#everyone around here has trucks with those goddamn LED headlights and I've got a little sedan that's directly in their blast zone
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it is now officially the 25th which means...
merry christmas everyone !!! regardless of whether u celebrate or not, i hope u all have a lovely day with whoever u spend it with or with urself <33
#sophie's idle chatter#this is scheduled so im HOPING it posts at 12 am.... prays....#i havent been super active in the past month or two bc life is kicking my ass (<- has said this countless times already but its still true)#also !! i see asks and ill try and answer them when i actually have the time and energy 😭 ik i say this a lot but ive been drained good god#(not so) mini life updates :#the new lovebrush chronicles main story update has made me weep so much... ive done both clarence and ayns routes and....#my god.... this story is darker and honestly im loving it AND i love how they did the chara roles in this world (alkaid... ourgh...)#my tear glands arent tho bc ayn ending 3.... what the fuck was that i couldnt sleep after doing that ending??? ITS WAS SO SAD AND FOR WHATF#currently having to wait until the 27th so i can do lars route 😔#the recent ep of apothecary diaries.... ourgh my heart.... jinshi and maomao beloveds :((#oh !! and ive gotten back into my ace of diamonds/daiya no ace phase and have been rewatching the series...#sobbing chris and yuki and miyuki my beloveds.... kissing ur foreheads and holding u gently.....#the way i got back into it bc im catching up on s2 of a clean sweep (a korean baseball variety show that i love with all my heart ;w;)#my mum is a traitor tho bc she watched every new ep that came out on tuesdays while i was in uni 🧍♀️ so now im catching up on the 30 eps#on my own 🧍♀️#OMG AND ALSO DR STONE S3??? WHY WAS I NOT NOTIFIED THAT PART 1 CAME OUT MONTHS AGO AND PART 2 WAS MORE RECENT???#i havent been doing that much writing recently tho bc the fingers wont type but the brain is exploding with ideas i cannot handle this#i do want to get back to the haitham sxf series tho.... and also my oc various x reader series.......#tbh ive been contemplating abt publishing the haitham series on ao3 once i write more chapters before publishing them#idk i feel like the series would be nice to have on ao3 as well as tumblr JHDG#thats abt it i think?#anywho if u read this far then know i am giving u a warm cookie as a condolence prize for getting through this life dump <33#ill leave it off here but i hope u all have a lovely day !! mwah mwah merry chrysler everyone 🎄🫶#queue... ueueue
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#Seven's Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#can i go more than a fucking week without having my cptsd triggered again? pLEASE???#me and my haywire nervous system can't ever catch a fucking break i swear to god#at least i managed to get the Matt fic posted before that happened and ruined my night#literally three minutes after i hit post. something has to happen IRL and ruin my slight good mood. sigh. anyways#my chest still feels tight but my focus is coming back i think. lets hope the rest of the night is uneventful#anyways. uh. positives. got the Matt fic posted on here And Ao3! yay. after working on it the last two evenings it's officially done#i know i put way too much effort into my fics especially ones that will get very little readership but eh i can't help it#time spent doing something you enjoy is never time wasted or however the saying goes#uh oh. the stress injury in my neck is starting to feel tight again. that's probably not a great sign#i should try to relax. been sitting at my desk too much recently and my back's mad abt it too#i would unwind with some Genshin exploration grinding or smthn but that's just more desk sitting time#so hm. animal crossing in bed it is then#watch me say that then spend the next 3 hours on tumblr#i cant help it i want to update my pinned posts and fill my queue up some more#and i have some drafts to work on... still need to finish that Sun & Moon appearance guide for ES#maybe i'll pull an all-nighter. i need to fix my sleep schedule again. like badly. but then i risk a migraine. aaggghhhhhh#anyways this has been Venting and Bad Decision Making 101 thabks for coming to my TED talk#oh hey look at that i got a like on the Matt fic. mood slightly improved. thank u whoever u r <3
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Um. A fee I didn't know I was being charged for from the service I order meds from just came out of my bank account and now I have negative money
Anyone wanna pay me to write or doodle things for them?? ;;w;; My Ko-fi is in my pinned post if so.
Just let me know exactly what you want (and who you are, so I can contact you here! Or you can DM me letting me know which request was yours) and I'll get right to it. I don't have a commission sheet or anything so just give what you can and I'll do my best to make it worth it.
I'd really appreciate any help I can get right now from those of you who can spare it!!
#when i asked for money for my volo microorganism it felt silly and i was half joking. this is serious though and i feel rly bad about it tbh#i don't mean to beg but like. PLEASE consider#seriously ANY little bit helps#just. god.#been in a depressive episode for months. can't get a job. my health is worsening. i can't eat because my throat muscles no longer work#can barely sleep lately which is making it harder to apply for jobs and stuff. just had to have my partner pay over 1k in car repairs that#were necessary but i couldn't afford myself. still have to do christmas shit. still have to schedule my wisdom tooth surgery.#this feels terrible. everything is going so wrong lately. not to bring on the pity party but like holy shit lmao#i'm in shambles lately and idk how much the overdraft fees will be but just knowing I might be fucked is already tolling on me so hard#shut up crisa
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just when i was celebrating not having to go to work tonight..........now i might have to go in. at 10pm. i just wanted to fucking drink tonight 😭😭😭
#UGH FUCK i hate this job#as i typed that now it's a little up in the air#cause my employee who's there right now was like 'they might run till 1am'#then i call her and talk to the production lead and he says 10:30 and she said she could stay till 11#so idk where the fuck she got 1am from and i feel bad cause i couldn't hide my frustration#but i'm not gonna let my department get blamed for not being there when needed#even if that means i ruin my saturday night and sleeping schedule to go in for a few hours#and not get paid for it cause i'm salary#(something i kinda like...guilted my staff about when i was trying to get someone to work next saturday)#(but they need to understand i can only bend over backwards so far before i break)#(when they're the ones who get the extra money for going in)#and i mean i could still have a drink or two tonight....#i did give my tech a deadline of 9pm to tell me if i need to go in#mk's work woes
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how it feels to randomly get rly overwhelmed and frustrated and bitchy and feel like youre going insane
#like its so dumb i shouldnt be this upset its not just rhe stupid drawing everything is literally wrong . i need everythinf 2 stop 4ever#i want to eat something savory but i cant bc rly what i want is a spambowl but i cant fucking make spambowl bc everybody in the house will#lose their shit that i didnt offer to make any for them <- uncharitable. at most lamp would make a joke abt it. but i also just dont want to#cook. but nobody else can make spam bowls#well lamp can but they prefer when i make them. but we have 4 pieces of leftover spam i need to use up bc theyre jusr in a ziploc#and thats enough for A spambowl. but iii dont feel like it#it wouldnt even be that like. actually no incouldnt thered be too much rice#we only have boil in a bag rn. and 1 bag is for 2#so if i want spambowl id Have to share w lamp which i dont mind its easy 2 like. yk. 2 spambowl is what i usually make so i can do it pretty#easy. but im like om the verge of tears for no reason so i cant be in the kitchen#'for no reason' well my periods coming up inliterally got rhe notif for it. thats the reason#i need to get back on t i need to get a job i need to graduate. slamming my head into the wall#i feel like now its been too long since i worked and nobody will hire me . man#but i also like. idk i. id probably be better if i had a job bc id have to be but i feel like i cant keeo anything stable#i cant even keep my fucking sleep schedule steady i get it fixed for a week and then i fuck it up#im so tired i wish things were easy. whateber man . i think maybe i just need to sleep
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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit
#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me#i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum#my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation#depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man#theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please#i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good#but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great#i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to#actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die#i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless#i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something#probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so#ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left#ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this#an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways#no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil#because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good#idk what im saying anymore#someone shoot me#please im not kidding#just make it stop#tw vent#tw sui#delete later
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its been two years since i was last taking a class of any kind and man. i forgot how hard it was for me. especially online? like i did all of high school online. bad time for an undiagnosed adhd kid lol. but now medicated and only doing one class two times a week? still so fucking hard. learning i do not do well on someone else's pacing. and the constant reminders of your own inability are so damn heavy.
#hard to sit through a 3 hour live class KNOWING that youre gonna be spending even longer going over it all again later#working on getting ADA accommodations its just a process#and waiting on some emails so i can get a physical textbook cuz god does it help to hold the thing#AND trying to feel out when i should be taking my meds cuz its a night class. i was doing so well on my sleep/waking schedule#but now its all just fucked :/#whats nice at least is that theyre doing math things rn that i can afford to half listen to cuz i did a bunch of notes on my own last week#feel like im gonna need to get that textbook and just do as much as i can alone notewise#trying to keep up is impossible#sea rambles#personal#adhd#academic vent#gonna be lots of those in the next few months tbh
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HUGE VENT
I'm sorry but i need to get this out, just please don't worry too much or take anything personally/gen
My routine these last two weeeks has been:
-Wake up at my 10 am alarm and spend the whole day in bed, mentally and physically exhausted, brain fog and no motivation for anything, only getting up to eat, having to wait for the "food time" hours to roll around that my therapist gave me because I'm not allowed to eat outside of those hours and if I'm hungry but missed the last food time then too bad, struggling to stay awake because again I'm not allowed to sleep out of the "sleep hours" she gave me and that includes naps, excitedly waiting for 21h30/22h to roll around so i can finally sleep
-Spend the evening mentally screaming in my mind because, while my body is still just as physically exhausted, my mind is suddenly sharp and full of ideas and motivation, but i'm still too tired to get up and draw
-Then spend midnight and onward rolling around in bed, hot and bored out of my mind because my physical tiredness also vanished, but i'm not allowed to get up and draw because it's "sleep hours" and i need to reschedule my body, and end up falling asleep at around 5 am
I'm totally not slowly loosing my mind 😃👍
Edit: Oh also the constant noise in my ears has gotten worse, i don't know what silence is anymore
Silence is actually worse than loud rooms
It's driving me insane
It's so loud
#literaly so mentally exhausted to the point that i forgot to ask a bunch of really important stuff and tests at my last gyneco appointement#i can't remember which med I'm supposed to take at a specific hour and which one is whenever. so i just take them both at the same time#i can't remember if i have still boxes of meds in advance and which one i need to go refill#because they're stuff i need to constantly take and not suddenly stop with#but i keep forgetting to check#and i can't remember where i put the prescriptions anyway#and which one are the right one and which one are old#I'm so tired#and I'm so tired of being tired#and I'm SO so so tired of constantly fighting to have my health and struggles acknowledge#i kinda just gave up and now i'm just mindlessly sitting there at the appointments for only 10 minutes being being told that i can leave#I've just been run in circles for way too long#and i get aggresively criticised every time i use advice and seek for help on the Internet. by the same doctors who don't give me ANY advic#or help#and my head has been pounding for two days#and my verbal ticks have gotten so bad that it genuinely gets hard to breathe sometimes#with a therapist that just made me talk in circles and lowkey criticised me for two hours#(this was our first real therapy meeting and they're supposed to only be 1 hour and are NOT reimbursed because the autism center will NOT#fucking answer to ANYONE. medical professional or not. so i had to go private 😃👍)#and the only thing she gave me at the end of those 2 hours was this schedule that I'm not allowed to bend#I've been trying to daydream about my AUs and develope them as usual to try to feel better#but now that i have time to draw. i just get more and more drawing ideas that keep pilling up and tear me apart from the inside because i#can't draw any of them thanks to this damn fatigue#i literally only did 1 af revenge and still need to do 3 more. and i genuinely don't know if I'll manage to do that#i told two friends that ill draw something for them. but nothing. because too tired and everything keeps slipping from my mind#i will daydream about Dimentio for hours straight. then forget that i did. and panic that the fixation is slipping because i “haven't#thought about him in a while“. ”a while“ was 40 seconds ago. I'm not exaggerating this keeps happening#i also keep spending the night DRENCHED in sweat because i just can't sleep without my blanket on me anymore. so more struggles#vent#negative
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BRUH ALMOST SHAT MY PANTS I TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS AND MY NIGHTLIGHT DIDNT TURN ON. SCARIEST SHIT OF MY LIFE
#yes im a grown man who sleeps with a nightlight still#what if the boogeyman gets me#unironically thats why i feel really relieved when i walk at night and see Anybody#i be walking at night alone through a dark ass parking lot with only a single person around in a hoodie and feel intense relief#because what scares me when walking at night is the threat of encountering a ghoul#because like if someone tries to kill me i can fight them idgaf itll fuck my schedule up but its whatever#BUT IF A GHOUL FIGHTS ME OR I SEE SOMETHING I WASNT SUPPOSED TO SEE (supernatural)?#TF IMMA DO#IM FUCKED!!!!!#IM NOT WINNING AGAINST A SCARY ENTITY I DONT KNOW THEIR STATS I DONT KNOW THEIR BEHAVIORS AAAUGUGWJJSE#SO SCARED#IM SO FUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANT ENCOUNTER THAT OH MY GOD#have to stop talking abt it im making myself scared rn jesus fucking christ#thank god my nightlight didnt break tho lol just needed a bump to work
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every time i have to wake up early (read- every time i have a dr appointment before 1pm) i'm reminded why i sleep until the afternoon
#i always feel sooooo sick in the morning#so fucking sick#i'm trying so hard not to throw up even after nausea meds#idk why i'm like this#but for the last few years mornings have been miserable no matter what#i used to try to force myself to be up in the mornings but it was not good for me#i'm so ready for the appointment to be over so i can get high#and get back to my normal sleep schedule
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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery
#starlight personal#it’s very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like I’m faking it even though I know damn well I ain’t scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in#my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires#like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and that’s integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful#and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing that’s provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know I’m not abusing any of these#I’m getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because i’m better now than i was for years leading up to now#SO LIKE. DON’T STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME#I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c they’re feeling better like babes that’s what the meds are meant to do#if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but it’s REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning#the feeling that ‘but I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live without’ like WHY BITCH#WE DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT#AND ALSO. WE’RE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE#basically it’s really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are ‘fun’ drugs like weed and psychedelics#I feel like I’m being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out#2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldn’t pick up on that if that was our motivation#time to remind myself that it’s arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh#that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying ‘ohhhhh I’m awful and lazy and bad and abusing substances’ spiral#to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like ‘just as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it I’m not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no one’#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me I’m going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first#see I wouldn’t be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadn’t been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP#SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG
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anyway I guess if we suddenly start posting stuff that's extra unhinged or sounding really frantic or not making much sense or whatever, that'll probably be the medication side effects.
I'm saying this in advance just in case because I know sometimes when our psychosis gets really bad we start saying weird shit to people and not being able to tell how weird any of it sounds but still freaking out thinking everything we say must sound completely insane and I also know that if we try to be like "I'm manic/experiencing this delusion/having a really bad psychotic episode" while in the middle of experiencing it, that mostly makes us freak out more because our paranoia makes us think everyone's about to shun us over it and we start to feel like we're in trouble for it
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#I'm maybe really freaked out about having to take something that outright says it could trigger a psychotic and/or manic episode#while we're already struggling and having to be careful about that and especially when our sleep schedule also just got fucked up#because I was already worried that being awake at completely the wrong time would be the thing that finally triggers that#it's kind of freaking me out in a similar way to how I've been freaking out over the idea of sedation#because it's the whole thing of not being fully in control of what our brain is doing because of an external factor#like if a psychotic episode just happens it sucks but I can kind of accept that our brain is just doing what it does#whereas if it's triggered by a medication that feels a lot worse#I don't like having that sense of control stripped away but I can at least handle it better if it's our brain doing it of its own accord
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'you have insomnia so you can stay up later to let me in right?' girl. i have insomnia. which means it'll take me 2+ hours from the moment of ATTEMPTING sleep to actually achieve it. that means if i start trying to sleep at 11pm, earliest it'll happen is 1am. if i start at 1am, it'll be 3am. can you see the problem here. if you do not get your ARSE through that DOOR
#in a wild turn of events there is a random girl staying over at my flat tonight#which is not a problem bc ive always made it clear since coming to uni that my flat is the Go To for ANY stragglers#like there is no adult presence here and when a lot of my friends live locally with strict indian households that's usually a godsend#so im used to people crashing on my sofa as and when and i dont mind it i LIKE IT#so when i went out tonight with my uni mate and her hometown friends (just the friends she knows locally from the city)#one of them was like 'oh im going to meet someone but if i come to yours at like 11pm could i stay the night?'#and she made it clear id really be helping her out and i was like babe it's literally not a problem#and she was like 'are you sure? i feel bad making you wait up for me!'#and my uni friend was like oh dont worry she's an insomniac she'll be up until 3am anyway#and now this girl has taken that to mean she can stay out later like it's 11:30 and she's still not here#and im not trying to mother her but also I CANNOT ATTEMPT TO GO TO SLEEP UNTIL YOU GET HERE#AND THE LATER THAT IS THE MORE FUCKED I AM#BUT IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN THAT TO SOMEONE WITH A NORMAL SLEEP SCHEDULE#SO IM JUST SAT HERE LIKE AN ANGRY PARENT WAITING FOR THEIR TEENAGE DAUGHTER TO MEET CURFEW#hella goes to uni
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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#having your workout clothes feel tight after a while hits different huh#i just worked out at midnight bc i try to incorporate sport somehow but my sleeping schedule is so fucked up and i never really have energy#so i decided to cease the moment rn. well if i ever said i was in a bad shape i lied now it's even worse lol but oh well no use regretting#past choices i can fix only my current habits
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