#i cant wait to completely lose any motivation to write!!!

[forjongseong]

*knocking* since it’s written there

lol me reading something about studying as soon as i finished my exams🤡🤡. and it’s a studying for stupid IETLS. it’s not a studying it’s more a (stu)dying. hate everything that starts with sty- and ends with -dying.

so why heeseung getting the same score as before seems so funny to me??? and his excuse “i’d have gotten less without you”🙄. hope these tutoring sessions really helped him and he doesn’t have any problems during his study abroad. jake hoon hi🤭

okay okay okay that little interaction between y/n and the waitress!!! please tell me why do the waiters always want to pick up the dirty dishes right after i eat the last bite? they’re hunters with hawk eyes sometimes. what if i want to sit around dirty dishes a little longer mhm??

and student! jay being late reminded me of sec! rookie jay🥹 despite the fact that he came late he definitely called the impression. what an impression!! y/n was lowkey panicking admiring his handsomeness.girl same. we understand her cause look at him!! he doesn't have to do anything and i drool over him. tmi. a majestic black cat. jay’s never beating the black cat allegations fr.

him wanting a higher score than heeseung it’s just a boy moment. yk like boys comparing their dick sizes or number of hookups. boys🙄

AND WDYM WRTING ESSAY THE WAY JAY DOES IS WRONG????😟😟 i do it the same way??? for whole my life??? bro you should’ve written this fic a long time ago so maybe now my essay writing skills were at an all time high hdhdhd.

why was she surprised when he called the students stupid? if they don't listen to tutor who they paid money to who are they if not dumbasses?🤡 jay speaking facts right there.

y/n can’t stay mad at him for being late? simp behavior! him inviting her over to his house? act of a predator i think. nah forget it!! he just too cute with his nervous rumbling. like a virgin 🤭

EVERYONE PLEASE RISE FOR JAY IN RIMLESS GLASSES.🧎‍♂️🧎‍♂️MAN LOOKS WAY TOO GOOD IN THEM. and without them too.

false and not-given questions!!!! bro i hate it with all my heart and soul. always confuse me. jay and me in the same boat. we’re besties😎. just listen i can totally see with my eyes that needed information isn’t written in a question but what if i’m THAT stupid and i just didn’t comprehend it?? this type of questions is like “choose a correct answer: 1) a+a=2a; 2)a+a=a^2; 3)a+a=a”. fuck them.

“If I get the answer right,” he began, “would you show me your boobs?” OKAY I GET IT YOU’RE BOLD BRAVE DARING. “Alright, why not? Nothing to lose here,” NOT OKAY GAHSGSG. she should’ve not fallen for it. i honestly didn’t expect her to say that. i thought she’d react like a responsible tutor with “are you out of your mind? are those questions that hard to answer? i can explain it to you again” and laugh it out. but she’s wild and we love it.

NAUR JAY YOU PUSSY😭😭😭 YOU DARED NOONA TO SHOW YOU BOOBS YET YOU CHICKENED OUT NAUR DON’T BE LIKE THAT. AND NOOO CONSTRUCTION WORKER PLEASE READ THE ROOM. he surely doesn’t have a nunchi (plz get this joke🙏).

“I meant like, I think I could get motivated a lot if there was a reward waiting if I get a question right. Or if I reach a certain score in a mock test, don’t you think?” sure sure let’s see where your little game takes you. sorry it reminded me of dog that waits for the treat after completing the trick🤡

“Well, you’d probably be getting in between something.”…and you brought your hand to your thigh, patting it. STOP THE MADNESS RIGHT THERE. I CANT HANDLE IT.

*clearing my throat* *cough cough* usually 7.5 rounds off to 8 so Jay could receive a blowjob hahah. the makeout🤌🤌🤌 please kissing licking sucking jays birthmark😫😫 that’s all we want. is that too much to ask?

“Seamless,” he commented as he eyed your panties. would be cute if it was polka dots or striped panties🤭.

so jay is that of boyfriend who prioritizes his partners pleasure over his own? huh? and his fingers?? the way they curl??? he plays the guitar doesn’t he?? you have be good with fingers for that no?? once chance jay one chance im begging.

“It’s unfair,” Jay began, “the way you taste as good as you smell.” sir it’s unfair the way you look hot as you sit as you breath as you walk as you exist. you shouldn’t talk about the unfairness in this situation.

“In that case,” you said, pushing his chest slightly so he could move away from you. You tugged down your panties that had stayed on the whole time, and when you took them off your ankles you handed them to Jay. ughhhhhhghgg i just know he was jerking off holding panties with one hand right under his nose. like 🤤🤤

okay where the angst came from???😃😃 “I appreciate what you’ve been doing for me, but I also don’t want you to get the wrong idea.” the audacity. HAGAGAGAGAG BOY YOU FUNNY. made my giggle at night.

“If I get over 7.5—”“I’ll treat you to lunch.” what it's like to get the same thing in return? pleasant right? nice jay. good job. and you tell me he’s the top student in class? bro is stupider than these students who didn’t listen to y/n’s advices in the first part of fic. even though he get 8.5 he still stupid.

“The day of our last meeting when I said I needed to remain focused. I was trying to confess to you.” see!! who confesses like this??? only stupid boys. i get it. jay is just a book smart. what if before y/n noona he only saw human body in med books😱😱 he’s nerd after all.

“When I said if I get more than 7.5, I was going to say I wanted to eat you out.” top5 phrases to ruin the mood.

why he’s teasing her!?!?! why he’s teasing us?!/!/! please just fuck her already with your huge and thick and beautiful (i just know it) dick!!

“Tell me if it’s okay to move,” he whispered ever so gently before kissing your nose. but a point to him waiting till yn adjusts.🥹

Your hand was looking a little lonely, so he took it and intertwined his fingers with yours. fhfghfg “your hand looks heavy. can i hold it for you?”🤓

“So, what are we?” You asked in the most straightforward manner. TOP1 PHRASE TO RUIN THE MOOD.

GIRL I REREAD THE REWARD FOR THE THIRD TIME AND ITS 6 AM I DIDNT GET ANY SLEEP IM OVERWHELMED BYE

I read this review three times already and it's hilarious every time omg not you DRAGGING jay and literally calling him book smart, brave and a pussy in the same sentence, stupid and smart in the same sentence I AM CACKLING

glad you think it's wild because that means I achieved something... this is still by far my favorite one shot i have ever written for jay!

[gyuworm]

good day or evening to you!!! thank you for accepting <3 if my asks ever become bothersome, please do let me know!! i wouldn’t want to make you uncomfy!

17, 21, & 55 for the fanfiction ask game, if you’re still answering those? — 🐶

hi puppy anon!! i love getting these messages so please don’t worry about coming off as annoying or anything i promise you won’t!! i cant wait to get to know you more!

#17 - do you have a writing routine?

i feel like i’m interpreting this question wrong but i start with an idea and then break it down into smaller sections most of the time! i also write down ANY idea i have and then decide where i want to put it in or if i should scrap it :3

#21 - do you prefer writing chaptered fics or one-shots?

one shots! unless i have a chaptered fic completely planned out and am really invested in the plot i lose motivation lol

#55 - have you noticed any patterns in your fics? words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

i haven’t written that much on here yet but between chit chat and details i think i have a habit of making hyunjin the one that gets comforted instead of the reader ??

[yonaih]

en route I - [ doc x lion ]

posted on ao3 as aIIegro (capital i’s in username)

word count: ~2.7k

a/n: here we go! this is the fic from that teaser i posted a week (?) ago. i said i’d write a few chapters before posting but. i want. instant validation. 

Things between Gustave and Olivier had always been tense since Operation Chimera, to say the least. It infuriated Gustave to no end every time he thought about the other haughty, arrogant French operator. Sure, they got their work done once both could temporarily get over their unrepressed hostility towards each other (albeit grudgingly), but even the moments of mutual teamwork didn’t suture the festering sore spot between the medic and Lion. Even the most antisocial operators in Rainbow knew the aspects that the two hated about each other. In some ways, it was rather shocking. Olivier was already known to be stubborn and had a knack for annoying everyone in a room, but his ability to dig a strong, seemingly out of place reaction from Gustave was extraordinary. Doc, a man who basically had “putting up with others’ problems” in his job description, was thought to be universally calm and collected, but Lion’s presence was clearly an exception to that notion.

Twitch found herself almost caught in the crosshairs when she brought Olivier to the infirmary after a recruit training session got out of control and left him with a bloodied calf. The trek down the hall was gruelling. Helping support the larger man, Emmanuelle sighed a little as she fumbled with the door handle, trying to push it with her foot.

“If you couldn’t get the door, knocking is an option,” Gustave called, helping Twitch inside, blatantly ignoring Olivier’s groans of protest.

“My bad, Gus,” she quipped, dragging the bristling Lion towards a cot and haphazardly dumping him there. “Next time, I’ll get a nitro.”

“Very funny. Not a claymore?”

Twitch shook off her vest, tucked it into the crook of her arm, and gave the Frenchman a pointed glare, stuck out her tongue, and motioned to Lion. Suddenly stone cold, Gustave asked what had happened.

“Well you see, recruits got a hold of Shuhrat’s cluster charges and didn’t fully understand what they did. Need I say more, mon ami?”

“I suppose not, but what exactly happened to him?” Doc’s voice soured at the mention of Olivier, whose glare was shooting daggers in return. A moment of tense eye contact passed before Emmanuelle responded.

“No one else got hurt. Some property damage of course, but Olivier is the only one who got hit by anything. I think it’s just, er, stuff that flew into his leg? I am not sure.”

Silence.

“Thank you, Emmanuelle, you may go.”

“Wow, I’m Emmanuelle now, huh?” She playfully retorted before getting up to leave, shifting her vest in her arms. “What did I ever do to you?”

“Em…” Gustave warned as she left with her hands raised in surrender. Once again, there was a tense silence, the only noise coming from various machines scattered throughout the room.

“Are you going to help me or not, dipshit?” Lion snarled before twisting around to inspect his bloodied calf. Nursing his tender leg, blood dripping down his boots, Olivier sat in the most defensive way he could.

“Va te faire foutre,” Gustave spat, reaching for tools to remove the shrapnel in the other Frenchman’s leg and kept an iron grip on the tense limb. Wrenching it free from Olivier’s preening, the medic began to inspect it.

“Oh? Va mourir, Kateb,” was the response as Olivier grudgingly started to comply, refusing to wince when bits of drywall and shattered cement were pulled from his blood covered leg.

“I’d watch your mouth, Flament.” Even though his mood was definitely ruined by the sorry excuse for an operator, Gustave tried his best to disinfect the wound nicely and keep his stitches tidy. Surprisingly, Lion was quiet the entire time. The process took place in almost complete silence. Another few minutes of bandaging a little too tightly passed, then Doc let him go.

“I doubt you’re going to reclean and bandage your wound properly. Come back tomorrow afternoon,” he said gruffly, removing his bloodied gloves and threw them away, purposefully ignoring Lion’s gaze. After some inaudible mumbling from the taller, sandy haired man, the door slammed shut and Gustave finally turned around. Cursing the entire way, he stomped back to his desk and shuffled his mounds of paperwork, blood still boiling and teeth still clenched.

That was simply how it was between the two. Gilles, the poor man, couldn’t take a side. Twitch and Rook were wholly sick of the tension, but they had a much harder time trying to be more forgiving of Lion when he was the one who did anything that rubbed them the wrong way. Rook, as positive as he believed himself to be, couldn’t find common ground with the prickly fellow Frenchman. Of course, it was mostly due to his strong, unwavering loyalty for the medic he thought of as a brother. Julien admired Gustave greatly, considering how much time he spent working with him and how much good he had seen Doc do, whether he was on duty or not. Julien saw the way Gustave and Olivier fought, tooth and nail, and couldn’t help side with the person he thought of as selfless and compassionate. The GIGN’s beloved medic was a trustworthy member of Rainbow and a constant in the dangerous lives of everyone who worked with Six’s team. Overworked and always serving overtime, Gustave’s workaholic habits only added to Julien’s concerns but also made Doc an exemplary example of an operator to him. Julien couldn’t help but appreciate the humanitarian efforts of Gustave. The doctor was an idol of his, flaws and all. Lion? To Rook, he was something like a friend, but Olivier’s thorny exterior didn’t do much to help their limited friendship. He had to admit, though, that Olivier was quite a lot of fun to be around whenever a sparring session was needed. He was a worthy opponent and respectable fighter. His persistence and indefatigable nature was something Julien aspired to emulate. However, Lion was the kind of person he would go out and drink with every once in a while but never truly get to know. It was all very surface-level, Rook thought.

Twitch, no matter how much she enjoyed a good gossip, hated the arguments, if one could call Doc and Lion’s fights “arguments.” They were horrible, chock full of smothering insults and shouting laced with enmity and poison. They were bitter and they were hateful. They made her feel defensive and conflicted. Did she have to choose a side? She was incredibly loyal to Doc, considering their close friendship and the amount of times he came to the rescue for her and everyone else in the GIGN. He was a great secret keeper and amazing listener, even if he was only pretending to do so sometimes. Their trust in each other was mutual, and she liked Gustave’s logic-based, straightforward advice. Even though both respected each other immensely, she did have to hear snide comments about Olivier whenever he was brought up in conversation. Despite this, she couldn’t help but feel like Lion deserved a second chance. After all, who had spent the most time with her in the workshop by far, staying late to work with her on her drones? Who had been the quickest to volunteer to help her to the infirmary when she fell severely ill in the middle of a mission? Who gave her the expensive bottle of wine for her birthday when it was only the GIGN operators who bothered to remember? Olivier Flament. Despite her hope for a kinder Olivier and for peace between him and Gustave, he kept brushing her away and constantly took out his anger on her, even if it was really meant for Doc. It was hard to put up with. “Sorry,” she’d tell him wearily before leaving the room. “I don’t want to deal with this.”

For Rook, it really came down to a deep bias. For Twitch, it was her growing tired of Lion’s sour attitude. Simple.

It wasn’t quite like that for Gilles. Montagne found himself as the middleman of this inter-GIGN war. A unit he thought of as family. Even though he was close to both Gustave and Olivier, Gilles couldn’t figure out the root of their problem. As far as he remembered, the two were quite close before. What changed?

“Gus,” he called from the doorway after being brushed off by Lion, who he had caught stomping out of the medic’s office.

“Gilles,” Gustave responded coldly, still facing away from the door, tidying up his cabinet of supplies next to his desk, tossing away some empty boxes.

“What was Olivier doing here?”

“Injury.”

“Is he okay?”

“Yes.”

“Are you okay, mon ami?”

“Yes.”

“So...no?”

“He’s just being himself and it...displeases me.”

“Understatement of the year,” Montangne mused, walking over and leaning on the counter, observing Doc. “You know he’s not that bad, right? You must’ve known, considering you’re familiar with him from some time before.”

“Merde, that was a misjudgement on my part. I don’t want anything to do with that prick.”

“You both work together frequently, and you make dinners in the GIGN dorm quite uncomfortable. Don’t you want to make amends and spare everyone else?”

“Gilles—“

“No, really.”

“Let it go.”

“Gustave,” he warned, dragging a hand through his hair. “I’m being serious, this is an issue whether you know it or not. It can jeopardize future operations, it’s clear you can’t work together in training simulations—“

“Look,” Doc snarled, slamming a cabinet closed and whirling around to face Gilles. “I have my reasons. We worked together fine in New Mexico. I’m sick of being the one trying to repair whatever relationship we had. I tried, he didn’t reciprocate. I’m done.” Coldly, he brushed past the other man and went back to sifting through paperwork.

“Please. I understand, but there has to be something you both can do.” Gilles was practically begging him at this point, briskly striding towards Gustave’s desk and turning his chair to face him. “Anything. I’ll talk to him, you can figure it out from there.”

After a moment’s pause, Gustave threw down a folder and leaned back, groaning while straightening his crisp white coat. “Talk to him and I’ll try again.”

A pause.

“It means a lot, Gus.” Gilles patted his back and chatted a bit about his day before swiftly exiting, leaving Gustave to think briefly about Olivier before returning his focus to his work.

Unbeknownst to him, Olivier had a similar talk with Gilles. It began as hostile as Gilles’ conversation with Gustave had, but Olivier was the one to pour out the story. The Ebola crisis, the collateral damage, Doc’s vicious retaliation, their previous friendship, everything. All of this information came after a week and a half of partly pressure and partly gained trust. Olivier, while quick to retaliate, was slow to trust. His facade of permanent arrogance and pugnaciousness crumbled in the face of those he believed to have his best interest at heart. Gilles began to get why both were so upset with each other, and it fueled his drive to bring them back together. Satisfied with both men’s responses, Gilles talked to both again, saying that the other agreed to try to make it up to the other.

He thought it was a little selfish of him to try and intervene, but what else could be done? Both Olivier and Gustave were headstrong and opinionated. Eerily enough, Gilles thought they were similar in many ways. Perhaps it was this exact fact that Montagne wanted them to understand. Still, it seemed that their differences were not what drove them apart. Rather, their similarities stood out enough to clash, while unawareness raised a heightened sense of conflict and blinded both to the hypocrisy of their own ideals. Gilles couldn’t have his GIGN team torn apart by the past, no matter how bitter and bloody. He adamantly held blind faith in the power of unity within the group, and it was well known that nothing could stop him from enforcing that mindset. Miscommunication came between Doc and Lion, and Montagne hoped that meeting on neutral ground would catalyze the rebuilding of burned bridges.

Olivier had mixed opinions. On one hand, he didn’t want to let down his guard and risk his pride and beg for forgiveness. On the other, he realized that unless one of them left, there was no escape from working together. He took the issue to church, consulting his pastor and some monks in hope that they could come up with a solid solution to the dilemma that had lasted him a very long time. Returning from his Sunday mass with a strong sense of resolve, he settled on trying to be the bigger person with the advice of his friends at the church. While he did indeed find this difficult, he felt like the brothers of the church were right. No use fighting fire with fire; take the high ground. Cautiously, his battle to repair his bond with Gustave began. It was difficult to adequately explain, but Olivier felt the need to fix things. Something out there compelled him to do so. Whether it was God or an itch to clear a guilt-heavy conscience, that “something” stubbornly wrenched him from his haze of defensive anger towards Gustave and cleared his head for a brief moment, enough to definitively commit him to his revelation.

A week after their skirmish, Lion traversed the base in search of the coffee machine, hoping a peace offering of a fresh cup of espresso would test the waters. After asking a few of the SAS operators, only to be met with brusque answers, he turned to Emmanuel, who he had found lounging in the workshop, wearing a GIGN hoodie and lazily testing her drone. Thoroughly anxious, he felt like a fool for being nervous about anything relating to his quest to make amends with Doc.

“Em.” Rapping the wooden table to get her attention, he leaned against an empty chair next to Jäger, who was too busy to notice.

“Olivier,” she greeted, stretching. “Need something?”

“Er, oui,” he hesitated. “Where’s the coffee machine?”

She thought for a moment, brows wrinkled in concentration. “I know there’s one back at our dorms in the living room, but the one in the base is always moving around. Why? Don’t you drink coffee?”

“Merci. Just wondering. I don’t get coffee from the base.” He quickly exited, giving a curt nod in the direction of some recruits working in a corner who were staring. He continued his trek, finally satisfied when he found a quaint coffee maker in a secluded corner of the communal living and dining room. After a few unsuccessful tries to get it to work properly, he wondered if this was truly worth it.

“A fucking waste,” he grumbled after ten minutes of fumbling around the machine. The coffee looked acceptable, but Lion was beginning to remember the significance of his anger-filled falling out with Doc. Gustave didn’t fucking understand. I bet the bastard never understood death, the damned medic, Olivier thought, gripping the coffee cup tightly as he made his way to the infirmary, purposely walking slower than normal. All about saving lives and shit. The asshole loves preaching about human life but he doesn’t understand death like I do, because I...

No, that’s not right. Olivier felt deflated, the strange bout of petty angst abruptly leaving him.

Maybe neither of us understand what happened in Africa. Determined once more, Lion pressed on, desperate for at least some closure with the past and answers as to why the intertwined parts of him and Gustave were driven away in the midst of the collateral damage and conflict. A mix of almost instinctual anger and resentment fused with a repressed sense of fear became a strange conglomerate that merged with hesitation and dread, all of which came bubbling up as Olivier approached Gustave’s office door. With the inner turmoil of a prisoner on death row, he knocked three times.

“Come in,” Gustave’s professional voice came from inside. Seemingly in slow motion, Lion watched his hand reach for the handle.

This is it, Flament.

[levisgirll]

Hello! Can you please do a Levi headcanon/scenario where he hurts his crush's feelings and makes her cry but later regrets it and tries to apologise to her? Thanks!

𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨 (𝙇𝙚𝙫𝙞 𝘼𝙘𝙠𝙚𝙧𝙢𝙖𝙣 𝙭 𝙁𝙚𝙢!𝙍𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙧)

➡text: Hello there!! And omg of course I would be happy to write this out 🥺 the fact that to see levi apologize or own up to his mistakes is something that I would like to even write about- so thank you for this request! I hope you love it anon ♥ (incoming some fluff and you wont regret it!)

synopsis:  it was a long tiring day and with under pressure levi ackerman had, he accidently said something to y/n (his crush!) which hurt her feelings. levi feels terrible and to make it up for it, made y/n realize that levi and her might share the same feelings for each other.

fluff, angst, aot world, imagine fanfiction ♡ —

It was a long stressful day at the Survey crops headquarters building, and Captain Levi was assigned with many paper work to get done with.

The last expedition made Levi worry quite a lot for Y/N and her safety. Sure she was skilled, and a fast thinker but that still did not stop Levi from worrying about her. It was because he was the captain he had to worry about his squad....right?

But after Y/N getting hurt on the last expedition because she is kind of ‘reckless’ to what Levi thinks and used as an excuse, his heart sank and he then realized not only did he care about her too much, but he also developed feelings for her and with time it grew. Just her presence, the way she was, caring, friendly, confident, her natural beauty and a badass made him fall for her more.

But ever since on that day, he blamed himself for her getting injured because she was on his squad team.

The upcoming expedition was next month and he was becoming even more stressed and load with paperwork because it was a bigger mission this time they never had. Y/N obviously noticed that so after having a chat with Hanji she went by to his office and entered inside. They become more comfortable with each other so she was pleased to enter his office whenever she wanted to.

“Hi Levi, how are you?” she said with a bright smile, trying to light up the mood that was surrounding in his office.

“What do you think sherlock?” He spoke in a sarcastic tone and then let out a deep sigh. “O-Oh, Um I was wondering if you would like some help with the paperwork? I am free the whole day.” Her kind gestures always somehow warmed his heart, he liked the fact how in her free time she would always visit Levi and try her best to help him. But tonight was different, it was too much pressure loaded on him, he was not thinking straight.

He didn't respond to her offer and instead he got up from his seat behind the desk and gave her a piece of paper. “Read.” Was what he only said.

You took the paper from him and noticed....you were removed him Levi’s squad! “W-What....why.” You said so quietly but it had a very unhappy tone.

“You know why. You are too reckless, and I don't want that in my squad.” He lied and looked away, it was not because of your recklessness and never was because you were brave and perceptive. But in fact, it was because he wanted to keep you safe and away from harm because this time his squad was placed on the front and he moved you all the way on the back where it was safer. He does not want to lose you.

“I-I don't understand Levi...I though you trusted me-”

“Yea I don't trust you, and I clearly don't have time for you either.” You couldn't believe what he was saying to you, this behavior was out of nowhere and it made absolutely no sense! But, he was your source of motivation and inspiration and when he said that to you, it shattered your heart to pieces. You thought he had faith and trust in you and that's why he added you to his squad, you thought....you were important to him. Well, was important.

“Levi, please this makes no sense. At least explain to me why!” You yelled out, demanding an explanation for what the hell was evening going on.

“Don't argue with me.” He now gave you one of his hateful glares, and you know in a million years you would never be getting that from him, you were completely taken aback now. “Leave now! That’s an order L/N”.

You eyes were widen now, and your eyes were slowly starting to tear up. These words, completely damaged you and your feelings, he even called you by your last name which he never does. You never felt so hurt and your stomach sank which left you static and....heartbroken. Hearing this is a ego-killer for you. The paper you held slowly fell off from your hand, and you brought your hand up to cover your eyes and started to softly sob.

He noticed that quickly, and he wanted to come and comfort you but before he could do that you stormed off, slamming his door, y/n never wanting to see his face again.

Levi took a moment to process everything and then realized he had actually messed up everything. Both of you were so close and the bond and moments you both shared, Levi cherished that deeply. But, he ruined everything, shattered the bond, and now actually ironically losing you. He clenched his fist and closed his eyes tightly, “Fuck...The fuck is wrong with me?! Why am I so damn emotional.” And it was a fact, he was that when he bottled everything up and then let out his steam saying some bullshit.

It was days, and he didn’t even see or hear about Y/N. He did not get any sleep, staying up, overthinking his stupid mistake and regretting this all. His gilt, anger towards himself and grief started to grow by each day, hating himself how he hurt the person he had a crush on and someone he adored a lot which then lead to him thinking how to come to you with his true and deepest apology.

He tried to catch any chance to get you whenever you are alone and say apologize, but whenever he saw you, you would just jolt and try to run away and leave the place.

He then noticed from Hanji and the other scouts such as Armin and Mikasa that you were clearly avoiding Levi. He caught you by chance one evening as you were sitting down in the mass hall eating your sandwich alone so cutely and he just missed seeing that sight whenever you both had breaks and he would watch you eat cheerfully but....you were so down, that spirt was gone.

He was approaching you, and you then noticed that and felt your stomach sink, ‘Is he coming to me? Wait...he is, it’s only me here!’ You thought in your mind, panicking and not knowing what to do.

”Good evening.” He uttered, but you noticed there was some nervousness in that tone.

You did not look up at him and you left your sandwich that was half eaten on the plate, and got up. You lost your appetite, and you proceed to leave the mass hall, but you stopped in your steps when you heard Levi yell out. “No...d-don’t go. Please just stay for a bit.” The way he said it, was under such pain and he it sounded as if he was begging you. He really struggled doing this, but he would do it regardless if it was just to speak to you again for a bit.

He caught up to you, and took your wrist while his thumb was caressing your skin. You were still looking down, not wanting to see his face because you knew if you did now, you would tear up again.

“Can we talk please?” He said really quietly, and if the mass hall was not empty you wouldn't be able to grasp what he had said. Levi was clearly tensed and not sure if what he was doing is right, he never done this before, apologizing and talking about his feelings. But he would only, and only do this for the person he loved. Y/N.

“What do you want?” it came out more coldly then you expected and that made him hesitate. He remembered the image of your expression and you sobbing that day and it is still graved in his mind. He cant seem to get it out his head and he wanted to hear your forgiveness so it could go away.

“I fucked up, I know. But fuck, I...miss you.” He finally said, in a nervous and stuttering tone. He now moved his hand from your wrist to your soft and cold hands, and you could feel his warmth, warming your hand.

He brought up his other free hand and placed his palm on his forehead. Clearly this was hard for him and he felt such a jerk and an idiot cause all his words is now gone and he wasn’t sure how to say how apologetic he was and how you meant the world to him really.

But he know thought, How could he do this to someone who regularly checked on him, cared for him and also actually saw him as a normal person unlike the other scouts who thought he was heartless and just labeled as ‘strongest solider’. Y/N was the only who truly cared for his wellbeing and he admired that a lot. “Hey....I’m sorry. Everything I said wasn’t right. T-To be honest it was your bravery that made me fall for you...and care a lot more about you. So, please tell me What should I do to make it up for you?”

This caused you to finally look up to him and staring at his grey eyes, and after such a long time you were able to see his face clearly and close up which never fails to make your heart skip a beat. You stared at him for quite awhile, kind of surprised to what he said and the fact he was holding your hand meant a lot. But Levi took this as you still not wanting to talk to him, he wanted to say more and better things but he was quite bad formulating any more cause it him nervous and afraid to say something else to upset you further. He really did care about your feelings. “I won’t go....till I hear your answer. I waited long enough.”

You spoke, and after a long time hearing your voice this nearly made him tear up and that was because you were a big part of his life. “I can’t stay mad at you forever, so I forgive you. But, you hurted me and I cant forget that easily. But for now, Just....hold me.” You went near him and now placed both of your hands on his chest. He did not waste any second and pulled you in for a hug. It was probably his first time hugging you like this and he never knew it would make him have this fuzzy and sweet feeling like this. Of course, he would hold on to your waist, arm and shoulders sometimes during battle or when you needed some support to get up and move. But this was different, and he questioned himself how he never considered that.

Y/N and Levi both finally made up with each other, and he was really grateful for that and even the fact you forgave someone like Levi, he felt really lucky.

Of course, it will take some time for you to accept his apology, but he wont give up just yet and he really makes an effort everyday, you guys took it slow and he is more than willing to wait for you ♥

As, regret and remorse can lead a person to feel sorrow, this can cause a sense of sorrow for hurting someone such as Levi’s crush, and even though it was bad, this lead to him finally confessing and saying his true apology if it weren’t for this. Time is a healing process after all.

Once you finally sat down with Levi and talked back (after the countless times he tried to initiate a conversation or start something such as cleaning together but never got much a reaction from you) and had a small conversation with him asking how was his day. This melted his heart and he actually felt really happy inside that you finally started to speak to him. He missed your company, your sweet voice, and....that smile.

You surprised him further when you gave him tea (because he gave you so many things to somehow make you smile) and his eyes lit up, Levi never felt so happy in the last few weeks. Then he knew, that you. y/n, was his light and source of happiness. He drank the tea slowly cherishing it.

wow okay this was kind of emotional then I excepted it to be, but I honestly see a scenario like this happening where levi struggles and tries his best to own up his mistake and apologize and he would only be like this if it was to his crush and someone he loved cause this man gets nervous <3 so please y/n, give him some more hugs, he might not seem to ask for any but he is deeply inside craving for it. It’s his best comfort as it is coming from you! Anyways, please leave a like or a reblog if you enjoyed this and I hope you liked this anon 💖

[clairecrive]

hi i know your requests are closed but could you do headcanons about how it would be to work through almost getting a divorce with nikolai lantsov after kind of falling out of love then deciding not to and working on getting their relationship back to how it was before because that unbreakable love for each other is still there and its noticeable. ive always wanted to read abt this and im asking this request from a number of writers cos i find it so cool to read everyone write their take on it.

cant wait to see what you come up with! thank you<3

A/n: taking a lil break from studying to write this. btw, hc take me less time to write so if you have more you can always send them in and I'll do my best to answer.

(tags are at the end)

SHADOW AND BONE MASTERLIST

okay so, the idea of letting Nikolai go is absurd to me. However, I can see how there could be some strains in a relationship with him.

if we remain in a canon situation, I'd say that the biggest thing that could come between you two up to the point of almost divorce is his ambition and dedication to Ravka

Nikolai is a strategist and the thing he wants more is seeing Ravka free and thriving and he'd do anything to make that a reality

so, he'd be plenty busy

busy to the point that you'd go months without seeing him

whether he's in Ravka working on his projects with David and Nadia or he's in another country on a diplomatic visit

of course, he has invented flying ships and all but those kinds of journeys still are long and tiring

however, since you are in the picture, I'd like to believe that Nikolai would try to find a balance between his country and his love

if not simply for the fact that he loves you and he loves being with you

if he's married you, there's a reason. right?

so, I feel like whenever he's back from a long trip away he'd take some time to spend it with you. First days in between the sheets and then doing some of your favourite things together.

just to spend some quality time with you

that's until he slips away more and more to take care of something

at first, it's a couple of hours before dinner

then he misses dinner entirely but spends the afternoon together

then only mornings together

until it comes the time you wake up and his side of the bed is cold

of course, you were aware of the life he led

his ambition and dedication were two of the things you loved most about him

but you missed him

he was gone so much that it didn't feel like a relationship anymore

it seemed like a free trial for widowhood

you had confronted him about this

many times

but he was still the King of Ravka and he had responsibilities he couldn't forfeit

and despite his best intentions, it seemed that they didn't match with his marriage

and you understood that. his role and the many things he had to take care of. really.

but you were tired of being alone a feeling unimportant

so, one day you decided to wait for him. Nikolai was the first to wake up and the last to fall asleep.

but that night, you waited for him. sat in your bed, hoping he'd come too late

when he did step into your room, he was surprised to see you awake. at first, he was delighted. he missed you too and the idea of being able to spend some time with you brought him endless joy

however, he soon noticed the expression on your face, your arms crossed on your chest and he understood that whatever reason had made you wait for him, wasn't anything good.

as much as it broke your heart to say the words, you told him what you had been thinking about for months now.

"this marriage is not working out for me anymore."

Nikolai's heart broke. truly shattered at your words.

he knew he'd be walking on a fine line and it was only a matter of time before you'd snapped again

but he never thought it'd come to this

divorce

what a wretched word

Nikolai hated it. he hated the fact that he had been such a shitty husband that you now wanted to have nothing to do with him

he tried to change your mind, promised that he'd do better, that he loved you and you were his whole heart even though he'd done a shitty job to show you.

but you knew that despite his words were genuine, his promises were empty.

and you were simply done. you couldn't take any more of this.

when he understood that he had pushed you too far, Nikolai relented. He accepted your decision and told you that he'd take care of it.

in the meantime, you went away.

there was no reason for you to stay. you were alone anyway so staying just to sleep in the same bed as he felt ridiculous

the time apart was agonizing for both of you. unironically, knowing that he was just a few feet away made it easier for you to bear the loneliness. And Nikolai?

Well, he had forgotten how to function. The absence of your presence affected him more than he would have thought. To the point where he could only think of you and how he couldn't lose you. The divorce wasn't official yet and he was already miserable.

So he took some time off and he joined you.

Again, he asked for forgiveness. pleaded for you to give him a second chance and if not, to at least allowed him to spend the days before signing the papers together.

and you agreed. you agreed because you had missed him so much. because you still loved him.

those remaining days were spent in utter denial. neither of you acknowledged the truth of your situation but unspokenly decided to make the most of it.

and saints, it did nothing but remember why you had fallen in love with each other and decided to spend the rest of your lives together in the first place.

when the time was almost up, neither of you wanted for it to end.

but the problem remained: you couldn't go back to the same routine

but letting Nikolai go wasn't possible neither

so you talked to him. explained your reasons and your motives and that above all you loved him

he felt so much relief in knowing that there was still a tiny chance of making this right

he renewed his promises of being a better husband, of changing his work schedule so that he could be more present.

he had even handed you a sheet where he had drafted his new schedule and well, it was completely different

of course, you knew that there would be times where he'd be inevitably busier but as long as he made an effort, you'd be fine with it

and so you agreed, you gave him a second chance and you were proud to say that Nikolai was living up to his words

and you were happier than ever

tags:

@jupiterandbutterflies, @agentsofshield, @for-bebbanburg, @randomoutsiders, @pansysgirlfriend, @hannaxmaria, @vintagebitc, @story-scribbler, @hazelrose14, @crowssixof, @odetostep, @lizzie-he4rts (taglist form)

[jimin-day]

Stare at me

Summary: You frequent a coffee shop only to be met with his dark eyes every time.

Pairing: Jungkook x reader

Genre/tags: Smut, fingering, oral (female receiving), unprotected sex, creampie, if you squint daddy!Jungkook, shy!reader, dirty talk,

a/n: hello! This is my first time writing a fanfic so please be kind! This kind of just fell out of me and developed into something I couldn't control, so.. enjoy! :)

You leaned back with a sigh and threw your notebook on the coffee table. Knowing you needed a well deserved break from studying you decide to head down to the local coffee shop for a caffeine boost.

You emit a big loud yawn and walk to your room down the hall. You decide to exchange your sweatpants with some jeans and put on a bra for the first time that weekend. You give a small huff in the mirror noticing you still look a bit ragged, but who cares? Your not trying to impress anyone and your definitely not trying to turn any heads.

After breaking up with your long term, long distance boyfriend you felt like your life was on hold. You thought you were going to marry this man, have his children in fact. But the sad truth was he had cheated on you and you couldnt let that stand, so you left. Feeling emotionally bruised and sore you had holed up in your on-campus apartment and tried to forget by studying and binging on chinese food for the last few weeks.

The only thing that brought you any joy nowadays was getting some coffee a few blocks down from where you lived. It may have seemed like a small excursion but it got you out of the house and let you take in a fresh breath of air, somehow restoring your will to stand on this planet.

But you would be lying if that was the only reason you visited that coffee shop. Every so often a black haired man at a small table next to the window would be working on his laptop, to say he was handsome was an understatement.

He was jarringly handsome and if you were lucky you would catch eyes with him, only to be completely embarrassed when he caught you staring. But that didnt stop you from looking for him every time you went to the shop only to be met with those dark doe eyes.

You walked down the side walk, a cool breeze hitting your face, making you feel refreshed now that you were being met with crisp air. You took a deep breath and tried to ignore the fact that you were still deeply hurting from your breakup. You silently thought to yourself that maybe it was you. Were you not good enough? Not pretty enough? You guess you could stand to lose a bit of weight. Maybe not good enough in bed? No, do not let yourself go there this was his problem. You were more than an ideal girlfriend and you refuse to blame yourself for his actions.

Almost like he had heard you thinking about him, your phone rings a familiar chime and you lift your phone to take a look.

[DONT ANSWER] 11:46pm

Hey please message me back, i miss you.

Nope, not a chance. Since the break up your ex has been trying to contact you but you wouldnt give him the light of day. There is no way you were going to let him convince you back into his arms and you wouldnt even give him the chance.

You put your phone in your pocket and looked up at your destination. You pull the door open to be greeted with warm air defrosting your body. You take a step inside and almost involuntarily look to your right where that brown haired man normally sat. You were thrilled to see him sitting there studiously staring at his laptop with his eyebrows stitched together, probably figuring out a tough question you assume? Today he was wearing all black, not like he wore anything else, a black oversized tee shirt, a black face mask pulled down to his chin and ripped black jeans. A leather jacket hung from one of the chairs which he had thrown over previously before your arrival. He sighed and leaned back taking a sip of his coffee before looking up.

As if knowing you were going be there at this exact time he met your eyes immediately. You felt embarrassed, obviously for staring so long, but you were a bit bolder today meeting his gaze a little longer than normal. Maybe seeing that text earlier gave you a bit more confidence in knowing you would be fine without your ex, even though you were torn inside.

His eyes didnt back down and he one upped you by cupping his hand underneath his chin and giving you a sexy smirk while tilting his head. This was as much confidence as you were going to show today, as you quickly turned your head and got in queue. Your cheeks burned and admittedly your pussy clenched with desire. You put your face in your hands and shook your head trying to regain your composure. Feeling so hot and blushed.

You didnt notice but the man was quietly giggling and taking you in as much as you were oogling him. Of course he noticed you looking at him everytime you walked through those doors. In fact, he may have noticed you before you had noticed him. When he caught you the first time staring, he was elated. Knowing that you felt attracted to him made this even more fun, and what topped it off was you were so shy. Every time he looked at you, you couldnt help but be incredibly embarrassed and cave in on yourself. He loved that, Jungkook fed off it, each time you walked through the door he pictured more than one things to do to you.

Even catching you in sweatpants drove jungkook crazy. Seeing them hangoff your hips teasing him and wearing a tight camisole made him ache in pleasure. What was it about you that made him dizzy?

Jungkook was an average student but excelled in about everything else. At uni he was very often sought after by women but he had no motivation to chase after anyone. He would have flings here and there but they meant nothing to him. Not even knowing it, jungkook became the white whale around the university. Women would try to reel him in but to no avail, leaving them high and dry. Getting him in bed meant you were of the elite class, earning you a high spot in womens books, often jealousy.

But jungkook was oblivious to this, and if he was being honest nothing was special about those women. Just right place, right time.

But to Jungkook, you felt special.

Jungkook thought about his plan of action that he had rehearsed in his head a few times. He always wanted to confront you but never felt confident enough. But today was the day. He woke up with a surge of motivation and admittedly went to the coffee shop early to make sure he didn't miss you, praying you would show up.

You were the next person to place your order when you feel a presence behind you. You paid it no mind and kept looking forward deciding if you should get a small breakfast sandwich to go with your coffee. As you tell the clerk that you'd like a hot coffee a voice speaks up behind you, "and I'll be paying for that"

You turn around as if your head was on a swivel and notice the beautiful man coming up around you and handing his card to the employee. "Oh and I'll have a breakfast sandwich too" you say while giving a meek smile to the man who was paying for you.

He gives a mischievous grin and you turn to face the clerk, blushing. Once he receives his receipt and is handed his card back, you step to the side and wait for your order to be finished. Not far behind, jungkook follows and stands beside you. "You know, I would've paid for you even if you ordered the whole menu" jungkook looks at you with kind eyes and a little grin.

You cant help but blush and stare at your feet. You quickly try and sike yourself up and finally look up at him "Well maybe next time I'll try and buy the whole store" Jungkook laughed brightly with a bunny smile while his dark hair falls into his eyes, you can't help but think how adorably handsome he was in that moment.

He looks at you a bit more seriously making your face burn in anticipation. "You think I haven't noticed you staring?" At that you turned red. You knew he saw you, most days you would catch his eyes but being so upfront about it had you in a tizzy. Jungkook takes the small slip of paper he just received and starts scribbling on it and places it into your hand.

You glance down at the paper and it's his name and phone number, you look up and blush at him. Jungkook leans closer to you almost brushing your ear. "If you would like you can stare at me outside of this shop, preferably in my room princess."

Jungkook gives a sly smirk, turns and walks away to sit back down at his table and you are drenched to say the least. 'Holy shit, what did he just call me?'

You hear the barista call your name and you were so startled by it you jump pulling you out of the trance you were in. You safely put the receipt in your pocket grab your order and before pushing the doors open you take one last glance.

As if making it known to the whole world jungkook was unabashedly smiling at you. Your cheeks turn hot pink and you rush out the door, trying to get yourself together.

------------

You sit at home, lifting the small piece of paper up and staring at it. 'Jungkook', now that you think about it you feel like you have heard this name in small circles around campus but never had the face to put to the devil. This makes you outwardly cringe, scrunching up into a little ball and give a silent scream. From your recollection this man is a catch, THE catch and if you were not mistaken very good in bed.

At that thought you said fuck it, since your ex you haven't even thought of sex or pursued anyone and decided enough was enough. You were getting dick.

[Y/N] 7:56pm

Hey.. it's coffee shop girl

[Jungkook] 8:01pm

Hi baby, did you get curious?

Your heart stops at the nickname, oh fuck he's reducing you to a puddle. You can feel your panties getting uncomfortable and you try and shift to relieve some much needed tension. You take a deep breath and decide to just go for it.

[Y/N] 8:03pm

So what does staring at you in your bedroom entail?

[Jungkook] 8:04pm

Hmm.. well Y/N i could tell you or I could show you?

You were reeling, not even believing it yourself you take a second to calm your nerves. But honestly you couldnt, too high on whatever cloud your are on to still your beating heart. Your pussy clenches around nothing, and you are beginning to pool in your panties, thinking of all the things Jungkook would do to you.. will do to you.

-------

Next thing you know your knocking on his door, in the cold.

Before you left you told your friend where you were going just in case this man was a serial killer. You could never be to careful. Your friend wanted to hear all about it but you have no time for that yet, but definitely over brunch tomorrow.

You hear a click and the door swings open, there stands a man with honey skin and beautiful dark locks, he gives you a bright boxy smile "Hi, can I help you?" You almost trip over yourself when you are greeted by him, too focused on just how handsome he was.

"Um, ya I'm here for Jungkook?"

Just as you asked Jungkook is strolling up to the door and telling his roommate that he's "got it from here". That made you freeze, what have you gotten yourself into? This man was practically a stranger, a stunning one, but a stranger none the less and now your going to let him "take it from here" almost as if you were a plaything.

Jungkook gestures you in and you wave to who you later learned was Taehyung, thanking him for opening the door for you. As you turn to follow jungkook down the hall, your cheeks feel hot, not only about what is going to happen in Jungkooks room but how Taehyung knows exactly why you are here, and you just looked him in the eyes and thanked him.

Jungkook let's you into his room and as you walk in you take a look, it's tidier than you would have thought, there is a light up keyboard and computer in the corner, on top of his desk sits a very expensive DSLR camera, a mic stand just beside the desk and he has purple lights strung up around the walls. Nice touch.

Jungkook closes the door behind you, no turning back now. He looks at you almost as if he were to tear you to shreds. His eyes transition to blown out black as he rakes over your body and you can almost hear your heart thrumming in your ears. He moves closer putting his left hand on the wall, at his bold gesture, you begin to feel overwhelmingly shy.

Coming to a strangers house to fuck? This was not you, you liked to take your time and get to know the person. Maybe a date or two to see what your getting into. Right now you were way out of your comfort zone.

Jungkook pinning you to the door has your eyes looking at your feet, feeling quite nervous, and possibly wanting to flee. Jungkook gently takes his finger and lifts up your chin to meet his eyes. His eyes still blown out with lust but showing a bit more restraint making your heart feel less tight. "Hey baby, it's okay. I've got you, you tell me if this isn't something you want and I'll stop right now."

Your heart sank you didn't want him to feel like he was pressuring you, you wanted this. So bad your pussy is aching for some sort of release. It was all just so new to you, the situation, the man, the way he looked at you like an animal. You shook your head and told him you were okay, not wanting him to stop.

He starts slowly with a quick kiss to the lips, then soon after turning sloppy tasting them and molding to them. He licks your lips so he can explore your mouth. Giving you sloppy wet strokes of his tongue making you weak in the knees.

His hand comes to your hip squeezing and rubbing soft circles, slowly moving higher underneath your shirt. Your lips detach and he licks up your neck, sucking on the flesh that is right underneath your ear. "Fuck baby you have no idea how long I wanted this." He sucks harshly leaving a purple mark with his plush lips, grinding his hips into your core for some sort of friction.

You don't pay his comment much mind as you are way to distracted by his hand cupping your breast and his cock rubbing your clit deliciously. Jungkook gently pinches your nipple and starts playing with your nub expertly twisting and massaging. You let out a soft moan, and jungkook is floored. His erection so hard and uncomfortable in his pants, but he can wait.

Jungkook takes his hand and starts stroking your clothed core with his long fingers, feeling how much you have soaked through your clothes. Feeling how wet you are for him he groans "Does this feel good princess? Do you like when a stranger plays with your pussy?" You moan even louder, no one has talked to you this way and you can't help but feel a new gush of arousal take over.

He quickly picks you up by your bottom and throws you on the bed, "Strip, everything but your panties" there is no hesitation, you fling your shirt off your body undo your bra and shuffle your pants down to the floor leaving only your underwear on.

As you sat there you began to cross your arms over your chest, somewhat embarrassed being mostly naked in front of this man. Jungkook tutted, "Don't be shy princess" jungkook reaches for your wrists and pulls them up over you head pinning them to the headboard while giving you quick kisses to your forehead and jaw. "Don't hide from me, let me see you."

His sweet coos and kisses soothe your heart and you relax more into the position your are in. Jungkook begins to move down your neck with kisses, licks and some biting to stave off his hunger. Seeing you in this position is driving him crazy. You are so cute and shy your soaked pussy waiting for him. From this angle he can see you all hot and flustered trying to hide your face. Jungkook gives a quick smile that you don't see because you are too busy trying to hide from your embarrassment.

Jungkook moves down next to your core playing with the elastic of your panties, taunting you. "Will you be a good girl for me?" His question barely registers in your blown out state but you quietly nod your head. Not being a good enough answer for jungkook he slaps your pussy right on your bundle of nerves. "Use your words, Y/N." The spank sends shock waves throughout your body and has you on high alert. Your walls clenching hard, aching for any type of touch.

"YES, yes, please Jungkook I'll be a good girl" You look him in the eyes and don't want to stop staring at how gorgeous he looks. Sweaty glistening skin, dark hair in his eyes, looking like he could eat you alive.

Never breaking eye contact Jungkook removes his shirt and pants along with his boxers. His cock hitting his stomach with force, hard and angry red. He was so thick and long, you wanted to taste him so bad, swallow his cock full.

Jungkook starts to pump his dick up and down, using his thumb he wipes his slit to cover his length in cum. He leans back down to your soaking core. "Now princess I want you to watch me while I play with your pretty pussy, can you do that for me?"

You look at him with half lidded eyes, feeling like your in a strange head space that you can't describe. But you would do or say anything for him at this moment almost subdued by that fact you know he will take care of you. "yes daddy." Jungkook is surprised to hear that come off your lips but it makes him want to fill you up with cum, make you his.

He notices your shift in expression and realizes you've slipped somewhere, but he decides to save that in the back of his mind, he'll play with that Y/N another day. Right now he just needs to be inside of you.

Jungkook bunches the material of your panties and pulls upward rubbing your aching clit. The friction feels so good and you want to throw your head back and moan but remembering the rules you fix your eyes on jungkook looking pleased at what little he has to do for you to go crazy.

Seeing your perfect clit bulge from your panties being pulled up, jungkook wraps his soft lips around your clothed bundle and starts sucking you, along with long slow languid licks.

You couldn't take it any more, Jungkooks mouth sucking on your clothed clit is visual overboard, you throw your head back and give a loud moan, your clit throbbing feeling so close to cumming.

"Please, kook!"

Jungkook let's go of your panties and pulls them down your legs. He starts rubbing your bundle of nerves in circles and figure eights, earning loud moans from your lips from the new bare sensation. "Please what, princess?"

"I wanna come, please let me cum, jungkook!"

He quickly leans down and strokes his tongue up your slit gathering your juice on his tongue "fuck baby you taste so good", jungkook moves up to your clit, his hot breath ghosting over you making you whine. With a wet and flat tongue jungkook eats you almost like he is a starved puppy, his strong muscle giving you some well deserved attention.

Feeling your stomach coiling you know you are so close, your legs start shaking and your breathing starts to speed up. Your eyes tight ready for what comes next.

Jungkook slips two fingers into your pussy curving them so he hits your spongy g-spot, never stopping his tongue on your clit while he fucks you with his fingers. Suddenly the coil snaps within you and you are seeing stars. Your orgasm has your thighs shaking around jungkooks head and tears begin to slip from your eyes. You throw your head back and let out a deep and long moan. "My princess looks so pretty cumming." You gush all over jungkook tongue and he is happy to lick all of your essence up all up not letting any go to waste.

Jungkook slows his tongue and fingers to help coax you through your orgasm, he gives you a quick kiss to your sensitive clit and gets up to hover over top of you. " You did so well princess, you ready for my cock?"

You give a very enthusiastic nod, tears still streaking down your face from the force of your orgasm. "Yes please, I want your cock daddy."

He strokes his member a few times and starts to press the head of his member in your wet folds moving it up and down your slit soaking his cock. He starts to push in your velvet entrance and you can feel the delicious sting and stretch of him. Half way in jungkook stops to let you get used to his size. Looking at you with your tear stained cheeks his cock twitches and he can hardly control his hips from pounding into your messy cunt.

"Your pussy is so tight princess, were you waiting for my cock?" Jungkook pushes his thick member all the way in your pussy and he let's out a guttural moan. "Fuck baby you feel so good".

You reach out and grab jungkooks shoulders pulling him closer, your face is buried in the crook of his neck both of you hot and sweaty. Jungkook takes advantage of this position and hooks his arms underneath your shoulder blades and grabbing your shoulder from the back giving him excellent grip to thrust deep and hard inside you.

He starts moving slowly but quickly picks up the pace at a bruising speed. Using his arms as leverage to slam into your pussy as he whispers in your ear, "I've been eye fucking you for days princess, did you know that? I've been wanting to fill this pussy up since I saw you and now I have you crying beneath me. Do you like a perfect stranger filling this tight cunt?"

You shiver at his words and feel yourself clenching around him your pussy desperately trying to hold on to his thick cock. You moan loudly and start to produce fat tears rolling down your cheeks.

"Your words, princess."

Jungkook did not say that lightly and you did not want to test his patience in this moment, while you were already in a vulnerable position. "Yes I love a strangers cock in my pussy!"

Jungkook swallows hard at your words and can't believe how well you are doing for him. The shy girl he saw in the coffee shop is saying such dirty things, just for him.

You try and match his speed with your hips but to no avail, your breath hitches every time he thrusts into you leaving you almost breathless. Your orgasm is rising and its almost painful to follow, he hits your g-spot so nicely and he has you crying, tears continue to fall from your eyes and onto the bedsheets. Trying to hold on you reach for his back and start clawing at it. The pain of your nails digging into him. Jungkook let's go of your shoulders and sits up while fucking you, getting a whole new and beautiful view of you crying, and writhing on his cock while he thrusts in your sweet pussy.

Jungkook reaches down to your folds and drags his finger around your arousal and brings it up to your clit. Rubbing harsh circles on your very sensitive bundle. You start to feel the familiar twist in your stomach rise and it has your legs start shaking and your breath becomes shallow. "Come on princess cum all over your daddys cock".

With another thrust of his hips he sends you into your second, back breaking orgasm. In jungkooks eyes you look like art, hair splayed out around you wet from all the tears you were producing, thighs shaking uncontrollably with intense pleasure, and your mind so fucked out and begging to be praised by your daddy after cumming on his cock so well.

You look up at jungkook and his eyes are all over you, watching you become a mess underneath him.

Jungkook not being able to last much longer looks you right in the eyes and grabs your chin. "Look at me in the eyes princess while I fill up your slutty cunt with my cum. Don't you look away, I want you to see how much of a slut your are for me."

Your pussy clenched at his vulgar words and you nod in his hands. You have no choice but to look into his intense dark chocolate eyes. His hips become sloppy and he can feel your pussy throbbing and milking his cock, with a couple more sloppy thrusts he spills into your cunt filling you with warmth, making you feel so full. Jungkook let's out a guttural groan, while looking into you as he claims you as his.

You found your eyes were glued to Jungkook as he came, not being able to look away, seeing his dark eyes swirl with relief and lust, licking his lips and hair sticking to his forehead with sweat. You were completely in awe of him.

Jungkook rests his forehead on yours taking deep breaths until he removes himself from you and gets up to walk away. He comes back with a wet cloth in hand and gently cleans you up. He throws the towel to the side and lays down beside you. You both take a deep breath and look at each other.

"Uhmm, I think I should go." You start to get out of his bed when you feel his hand grab your wrist.

"Stay with me, you don't have to go." Jungkooks words have your heart lump in your throat. You felt embarrassed walking in here for a quickie and afterwards when reality hit you, you felt mortified. But looking into his eyes he was gentle, finding some truth in his words you let him pull you on his his chest to cuddle. Your cheeks burning red at the action but your were admittedly enjoying the feeling of his warmth.

Without realizing how exhausted you had become, your eyes begin to feel heavy. You fall asleep while he strokes your hair, jungkook being left with his thoughts.

'Fuck'

---------------------------------------------------

a/n: Ahh! thank you for making it this far! I had a lot of fun (and difficulty) writing this! It's my first time ever writing a fanfiction so please be kind! Let me know what you think :3

[dom--minnie]

no thoughts, just seungmin cockwarming you when you're trying to study, and he promises you that he'll reward you if you behave, but continues to tease the fuck out of you

Ok simply reading this request sent me and I think I went to space while writing it, hope you enjoy bb!

No warnings (let me know if there should be), general dom! seungmin is a giant tease agenda

Wc: 1130

"Seungmiiiiiiiiiiin," you whine for the nth time in one day. 

Seungmin rolls his eyes but finally looks up at you. You've contorted yourself into having your head under the table and feet on top of it. He hadn't noticed, too focused on his own work. 

"Yes, love?"

"I'm bored and I can't focus anymore." 

Even if Seungmin isn't looking at you he can still hear the pout and disappointment in your tone. It wasn't a complete surrender like he had assumed, you did want to focus but couldn't. A click of the pen on the table and another when he put it down. You slowly extracted yourself from under the table to look at Seungmin and see what he was doing. When you made it up to a sitting position a large smirk had dawned on his face as he stared at you. 

"What is that face about, Minnie!?"

"Motivation, doll. You sit on my cock while you study and when you're finished, you have to do well first, I'll give you a reward. Sound good?" 

You nod breathlessly. It'll take you so much longer to get through it all now but the promise of such a tantalizing reward outweighs any problems you may have.

"Come here, on my lap to get you wet first." 

Seungmin laughs when you nearly jump into his lap. You straddle him as he stretches his legs farther forward on the floor. The simple contact spreads happiness through your body, he's your boyfriend after all, and you place your head on his shoulder. Simple domestic bliss is stopped when he grinds up into you.

You gasp when he grabs your hips to hold you closer. Instantly you lift onto your knees to meet his moves. Hands threaded into his hair you both move your hips quickly to allow the barest feeling of pleasure between all the clothing layers.

It comes to end eventually because while you had eventually lost yourself to it Seungmin had remembered. Slowly tightening his grip on your hips until you can't even move at all. You grab at his large hands splayed over your skin in hopes of being allowed more but he just laughs. 

"Only once you study, love. Shorts off now."

You stand up and shimmy out of the shorts while Seungmin peels off his jeans. The two thickest layers gone provides more intimate contact. Unfortunately, before you can start Seungmin stops you.

"No no, our deal first." He chides gently.

"Tease." You mumble. 

Despite that you push both yours and his underwear aside and start to sink down on him. Seungmin's hands are nearly incapable of being still for more than a second as they run from cupping your face to gripping your thighs. 

It's better once you're able to sit down but there is a burn, not the worst, just from little prep. With each moment that passes you are sure studying will take much, much longer now but if Seungmin is in this boat too then at least you're not alone. 

You shift and turn to look at your work again. Your legs wobble in even the slightest movements as you feel every ridge of his cock stretching your walls. As much as it's killing you it brings equal delight to hear Seungmin take a sharp breath in and a harsh exhale. 

You manage to keep focus for more than about 30 seconds and almost lose yourself back in the thick of studying. Then Seungmin adjusts slightly and he moves inside of you a way that draws a slight noise from you.

Seungmin laughs, "sorry angel, I kinda forgot." 

You wonder how in the hell he can forget but turn back to the book. The constant reminder that you will only get the reward if you get this done is the only thing stopping you from turning around and just kissing your boyfriend senseless. 

Time passes slowly but consistently from that time on, no other major movements from you or Seungmin. Or so you think until Seungmin closes his book and sits up. You don't think much of it, determined to continue and finish this in a reasonable time. 

A warm hand trails up your leg and under your shirt. It brushes over your nipple and covers your breast. The words on the page blur together as he pinches your nipple. 

"Shit." You curse under your breath. 

Seungmin releases a puff of air against your neck and you shiver. 

"Keep going, sweetheart," he mumbles, lips pressed to your neck. 

You roll your eyes but his lack of movement allows the slightest amounts of your focus to return. You get through another 3 pages before Seungmin gets bored again. This time his hand moves to your thin underwear. Teasingly snapping the band against your sensitive skin he puffs a breath against the back of your neck. 

One hand dips under the band to press against your clit but doesn't move. You whine and wiggle your hips on Seungmin's lap.

"No no," he scolds, "one more chapter, you can do it."

A long string of expletives goes in your head but you put your head down and try to ignore your evil tease of a boyfriend. When the first page of said chapter is turned it is clear what he's doing. 

The moment the page falls he makes small circles on your swollen bud and you gasp at even the slightest of stimulation. Before it has even begun he stops and you see the game he is continuing to play. Every page is harder and harder to finish yet you are aware it is one step closer to the end. 

When you turn the last page you wonder how much of this you actually retained but all thoughts of that exit when Seungmin puts a hand on your neck to pull you back. You lean against his shoulder as he kisses down your neck. 

"Seungmin, Minnie, baby, please." You whimper. 

"Hmmm, what are you begging for love? Use your words, I know you can." 

You lift your hips ever so slightly in an attempt to ride him. Perhaps all the teasing was more than you even thought because even a small lift makes your legs shake. 

"Please, please I need you to fuck me. Please sir, I need you so badly."

You thank the stars when Seungmin takes pity on you and splays his hands over your back to lower you to the floor. He pins your hands to the floor and hovers over you. 

"Hm, you've been so good for me haven't you. Such a pretty baby below me, waiting and begging for me to fuck you."

A whine escapes your throat and you cant your hips up at his words. 

"Scream for me then, pretty doll." 

[cocona]

anyway im back here again cos apparently idk what a diary is nor what a private acc is n i dnt want a character limit to say whats on my chest so.

i feel guilty for trying to take my life bcos dealing with the aftermath is a hassle n now my parents have to pay disgusting amounts of money bcos i decided to get shitfaced w porto n xanax at 8am before class n fainted on the bus n almost smashed my skull here n there. n bcos im gross like that the dizziness made me feel so good it was enjoyable to sit on the floor waiting for an ambulance. when they asked me what had happened to me, i was so dazed i started crying n then said i had taken a lot of pills ! which i had. but i didnt mention the alcohol cos i hadnt taken enough for it to be noticeable. barely three gulps. im not even a heavy drinker or whatever n at that point i rlly just wanted to faint or die or sth in between n i didnt achieve any of those. i just rlly . existed n floated until i got admitted in the hospital n put on these robes and started crying a lot cos it all fell on my head. i’d be living monitored. i’d be living. and also, now my parents had to deal with me going to the hospital for the second time in less than a week cos i cant keep my hands off prescription pills. the therapists there kept saying i was banalising it too much n that trying to kill yourself isnt light. but ik that and it’s not because they tell me that i’ll feel any less numb. idc ! hm . idk why im writing this. because im idealising abt passing away again and i feel the need to say it somewhere. the semester is starting in three weeks and id like to be positive about it n hope for the best n start living like a normal college student but already i feel waves of heat all over n my palms are sweating n im starting to feel what i see and see what i feel. it’s so bad . weird ass symptoms i cant explain but that are due to anxiety n dissociation n their weird crossovers. it’s seven in the morning and i havent slept all day. i could easily stay awake until i complete a 24h shift and then clock out for five days. the only reason why i dont try anything dangerous is because i dont want my parents to feel like i cant be trusted just bcos i have wild tendencies. lately ive been afraid of becoming addicted to things because i keep watching things abt them. id never smoke to the point where id be a stoner and id never become an mdma addict but it seems that any form of escape would soothe me greatly. i take engagements that lead nowhere. the director of uni said that he felt like i wasnt there seriously. i am not indeed. i am but a soul trying to leave bcos it’s too much. im tired as hell and i dnt even want to wait for a walk in to take over, i just want to end it all. but at the same time i accepted to go back this semester so my parents wouldnt worry, so i wouldnt be bored, and so tht if i was supposed to meet my soulmate @ uni i dnt miss them. these are laughable reasons but theyre reasons nonetheless. everyone has their ways of coping and finding motivation i suppose. i feel embarrassed to write things for everyone to see but i think only i will be reading this later. listening to sad songs does help to get in a certain headspace. i dont want to sleep because then i wont have these songs. im scared of losing everything else but what i want to lose. i wish i had a valid reason to take time off without having to pay back my scholarship and without feeling like im wasting the resources of medical institutions and professionals. bcos what is there about me. what even is wrong with me. why do i feel so bad ! why do i feel so bad, nothing has ever happened to me and yet i feel stressed and sad n like trash and i want to die but also i have massive ego boosts n im embarrassed n blush a lot . why am i like this. these days ive been asking myself if it’s normal to be still single when ure a wlw n ure 17 but i suppose that since we’re repressed it’s normal. i suppose that since the first girls i ever kissed were my sister then my best friend it’s normal id feel gross about my sexuality. i suppose that after men liberally rubbing their hands on my thighs n boys making fun of my misshaped body through all of my school years it’s only normal that id hate my body. disgust is a common theme, alongside disease and vomiting. things like that. i wish i had a clear image of my duty and role here. all i feel is pain. what am i even here for. i feel like i broke so many rules and that in a sense i cant be saved anyway. i just want to feel loved and useful and like i fit in for once. im tired of saying i like being alone because im too anxious to open up and too timid and used to being talked to first that idk when to stop talking and when i reveal information abt me thats not normal to be revealed in regular human interactions. i want to keep living so that there will be a book with my name with hundreds of unsent letters. perhaps ppl will relate to this later as well. heartache is normal. but why dont i get any precise diagnosis and why am i still doing so bad even after all this time... im tired of being angry and embarrassed and sad and aggressive and disgusted n feeling worthless and useless... give me a purpose.... or give me the tools to leave calmly and quietly... with no loud movements !

[ralfstrashcan]

3x22 Reaction / Commentary

Fair warning: Despite all feelings of nostalgia and melancholy with this being the last episode and all, this contains the usual amount of salt. Just, consider yourself warned XD

Impressive. Quick question though, why didn't Lilith pull this neat trick before going to Magnus and begging for an opening in the rift? We'll never know. Possibly because she's dumb.

Why would he give away his element of surprise with that stupid roar? Wtf man.

Istg if they kill Meliorn off just after I fell in love with him last episode imma riot so hard. Wtf.

1) Jeliorn Shipper: It's not actually clear who he's addressing XD 2) Am I the only one who feels like Meliorn's feelings for Izzy skyrocketed after they broke off their little mutually beneficial arrangement?? Because I sure do. Very convenient for the plot too.

This is both hilarious and infuriating XD

Boo Team Warlock. They can see that Meliorn is lying on the ground, obviously wounded, and all they do is stand around. Why do they all suck at first aid?? I mean, man down! What more do you need to know wtf.

Also what is that? Lorenzo actually being helpful? Wtf haha. Btw I made up my mind, he's lost bits of his character along the way. I don't like it. He's suddenly supposed to be a good lizard baby? Sure. *scoff*

I like that bit where Lorenzo and Magnus pool magic for a more effective attack but I'm doubtful they're perfectly synchronized since they never fought together. Or is this like a standard warlock fight maneuver? Are those a thing? I need answers.

Lilith shooting her fancy fire spit ball five meters to the left is both an overused cliché and ridiculous.

THIS is their plan of attack? They're all gonna die haha.

Script: Close up of female shoes with heels so everyone knows this is a woman.

RIDICULOUS

So did I understand that correctly? Lilith flew right into the line of literal fire? Whyyyy?

RIDICULOUS PLASTIC EYE IS RIDICULOUS

Wtf why isn't Lorenzo loudly objecting??

That circle reminds me of Guardians of the Galaxy in the worst way. Wow. I can't believe I just watched this. Wtf this was so bad *weeping* Btw note, considerate CGI flames only burn on torso and arms not on legs. Riiiight.

...................................................................what.

I mean, yay. All shadowhunters are jobless now. Guess all problems are solved. We just have an entire (slightly racist) race on our hands that's out of an occupation and also, militry. Those things don't mix well. Wtf. I cannot. comprehend. Wtf.

Also wtf. This was supposed to be the boss fight. And they finished it without a plan with one player literally before the opening?? UHHHH???

But, anyway. I guess I should be glad Alec didn't have to make good on his promise of living in Edom with Magnus, because as @intezaarlily so hilariously pointed out

The Alliance rune was temporary and wore off in like 5 hours, and Nephilim can’t survive in Edom because of their blood once the rune wears off, but Alec says he’ll spend the rest of his life with Magnus in Edom … I mean, I love the romantic sentiment! But that will be a very short life.

XD XD XD

Uhhhh yeah, the fact that Sizzy get a sex scene (ugh, could have done without that honestly) Clace get cute cuddling and Malec get................ lying five feet apart even though THEY ARE LEGIT A MARRIED COUPLE WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Honestly, I mostly skirt the negativity that surrounds the issue of how Malec always get shitty kisses and intimacy etc. But this is ridiculous. RI-DIC-U-LOUS. At this point, who knows if they'll even kiss at their wedding? We'll be lucky if they hold hands. Honestly. WTF.

Yeah agree to disagree. I'm not even sorry for my extra salt. Wtf. Still hung up on Malec. At least Izzy's runes glitter prettily in the morning light.

“I mean like relationships. Everyone that I've been in has magnificently imploded like the Death Star.”

SIGH. This is clearly not true. He stayed good friends with his exes (Clary, Maia) so that's a lie. And Saia was working out really well until the series needed it to stop, so it's not like he's inept. So either he's exaggerating because he's hella unreflected or he says that to get some pity from Izzy, either way I hate it.

Uuhhhh Izzy, you were never interested in having a relationship. That's not the same as screwing up a relationship wtf.

...............Does the show want to tell me Magnus is left-handed or what. Wow.

I

hadn't

noticed.

I guess Canon wants to use this last opportunity to tell us that Magnus is ambidextrous *shrug*

Also why the hell did Lorenzo give them back the loft? Oh right, he's a Good Lizard Baby now. The heck.

Anyway I did a very thorough reaction to this sneak peek scene already for a private correspondence, so enjoy ahaha ;)

- Me being deprived of Malec Morning Cuddles (and LittleSpoon!Alec) is unfair and I'm Not Over It.

+ Magnus excitedly writing their wedding invitation though <3<3<3

- Cheek kiss wtf man where are my REAL morning smooches WTF

+ CHEEK KISS SO CUTE OMG MAGNUS'S FACCEEEEEEEE I CANNNNTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

+ MAGNUS'S FRAKKING FACE WHEN HE GIVES ALEC THE INVITATION SCRIPT THINGY, RAISED EYE BROW AND THAT LIP THING HE DOES, LIKE IN THE TRAINING SCENE HAHAHAHA I LOVE

+ MAGNUS'S FACE AS ALEC READS THE INVITATION OUTTTT

+ A L E C S  FACE AT “TONIGHT” LIKE OMG HE LOOKS LIKE HE JUST HAD A LOBOTOMY HAHAHAHAHA I CANNOT

~ Okay I am conflicted about this. While I can buy both, Magnus wanting to move ahead and Alec wanting to plan (because I think it fits them both in terms of being in character) in this particular matter I kinda headcanon the reverse: Alec not able to wait another minute to Lock Magnus Down and Magnus wanting everything to be absolutely perfect and losing himself in planning.

That being said, Magus being like “Gotta get married while we still can and there's not a disaster on the horizon” is.... idk, isn't that kind of sad? He's all about cherishing things in life so you can remember them. And stumbling through his MARRIAGE, with must mean a real real lot to him, being his first in all his 400/800 years, that's... not really uplifting? He deserves better than that.

+ Magnus's clap tho at “location” XD XD XD

+ ALEC'S FACE AT TAJ MAHAL HAHAHA HIS FROWNY MOUTH

~ Quick question, how the hell does Magnus want to hold a whole ass marriage ceremony at a public mundane place?? With glamor? Without? Sounds like an unrealistic mess either way

+ “THE INSTITUTE” I CAN'T MAGNUS AND ALEC KILL IT BOTH WITH THIS WTF HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I CANT

- Alec's reasoning. Honestly, I don't like it that much. Don't get me wrong, Alec being aware of the political dimension and liking it is 100% ic. But. This is their wedding. Their. Wedding. They do everything else for others, for their people and for the mundanes and the frikking world as a whole (3x20 being a prime example, basically screwing their personal happines to hell and back (pun intended) to close the rift saved the world because those wraiths wouldn't have stopped after Alicante let's be real). And their wedding, this should be just for them. How they like it, how they envision and how they've always dreamed about it. It shouldn't be held so others can benefit from it.

I want the wedding to be at the Instutite. In my mind no other venue even comes into question. But I would have loved if the motivation was differently nuanced. If Alec would have said that he's imagined it there, because yeah, Magnus's loft is his home and his heart, but the Institute must hold sentimental value for him, too. He grew up there. It's basically all he's known his whole life up to like three months ago. It's the embodiment of him being a shadowhunter and he loves being a shadowhunter, it's his identity. And Alec is a traditional guy. He wants his classical shadowhunter wedding and those are held at an Institute. He must have envisioned this after he started dating Magnus: exchanging vows in a ceremony held by a silent brother and with their wedding jewelry, in the chapel of the Institute, simply because this is the only marriage proceedure he's ever known.

Pissing off the clave, or rather, having the clave begrudingly accept him with his true self presented to the world should be a welcome byproduct, but not the main motivation.

From Magnus I would buy this line of reasoning sooner than from Alec because Magnus has hated the clave and its injustice since forever, has suffered far harsher under them than Alec, so he has a lot more personal interest to stick it to the clave than Alec, who, sorry, literally discovered their falseness three months ago. But then again, I don't think thoughts like that would be on the forefront of Magnus's mind and so it makes sense Alec would be the one to bring up this aspect. I just don't like how it was nuanced.

In any case, rewatching that scene I'm amazed at the amount of time Alec flounders before catching Magnus's attention, it's hilarious to watch XD

+ MAGNUS'S CONSIDERING POUT THOUGH WTF MAN WHO ALLOWED THIS

Another missing scene waiting to be written, of Magnus wearing a tux around Alec (and Alec drooling over him lol).

“It's just... all these hundreds of years... I can't believe you've never been married.”

Yeah, dito. How about you expand a little more on your personal stance on marriage, Magnus?? It's for science.

NOT ANYMORE APPARENTLY WTF CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS SOME MORE PLEASE

1) Wow this was quick 2) Uh-huh, guess that's why they mentioned them before this episode, oh, never.

1) Then ralf would quit watching this show and who would make dumb comics then? 2) Lol I guess her poor ex warlock boy toy got dumped

HAHAHAHA THE WAY HE DELIVERS THAT LINE I CAN'T XD XD XD

TMI bro

Good. At least he's not completely delusional then.

Gal you said “focus” like once, that's not a lesson wtf.

Yeah, creepy creepy feelings.

But this is actually interesting since she can't lie, and she says in no uncertain terms that she wants to split her power with him, or at least the rule over earth. Buf if she's so afraid of him she even wants to rule beside him and relinquish part of her might, then I don't get why she didn't just kill him off when he was in his cocoon. Why risk making an enemy of him? Makes no sense. (Except that this would have been anticlimactic lol.) Also my question of what happened to Lucifer still stands.

Uhhhh apparently they just slept together, turning into a child is majorly creepy wtf dude. Also, where does her changed wardrobe come from? Absorbing clothes during a transformation is a skill werewolves would pay real money for, I can tell you. Market niche. Patent while you still can.

..................really? *sigh*

#vulnerability #abandonment issues #give jace wayland (or whatever you want to call him) a hug dammit

Finally, happy parabatai. What a sight for sore eyes.

Biting back more Sizzy salt, wow I'm impressed at myself.

HOW ABOUT YOU BOTH FRAKKING SAY THAT ABOUT MAGNUS WTF

(Btw the German Dubbing: “I was just thinking of asking you that!” lol as if the thought had crossed Izzy's mind in that exact second, making that whole thing even more ridiculous.)

Anyway.

“You know, I always thought I never needed a parabatai, that I was at my best when I was on my own.”

No that was because you disliked the weird codependency it produces. And it's fine if you change your mind on that and decide that the benefits outweight that, but please don't do it offscreen during an action screen but like, throughout a whole season? Consider sharing a thought or two about that fundamental change in your world view with the audience? Otherwise people (me) can just laugh their ass of at how ridiculous and ooc this is. Wtf. WtF. Then again she literally changed her stance on relationships in like a week and her stance on Simon in half a day, so I guess it's kind of consistent?? *snort*

There's a joke about missing hair in here somewhere. These poor, poor men. They were ROBBED. (And so were we XD)

Since when can Clary order around the Head of Security?? (Also look at her manic face in this shot ahahaha. Was that deliberate on my part?? You can't prove a thing!!)

Also Luke missing Alec's wedding again is history repeating itself.

IMMORTALITY RUNE ON THE RUN!! EVERYBODY DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND CATCH IT!!!

Clary, gal, if you keep slinking after the rune like that you'll never catch it. Srsly. And you wonder why you lose track of it all the time? Move your butt, man!!!

WOW GREATEST DISAPPOINTMENT EVER. Can I skip this scene? Please?

Wow that was less painful than expected

Oh damn I knew this was too easy.

Btw apparently they have styling opportunities wherever Jocelyn's soul went after her death, because the clothes she wore when she went west

and the ones she's wearing now are similar, but decidedly not the same.

“Btw we'll talk about that creepy ass behavior later, and no supper for you tonight young lady!!”

Uh-huh, and what, pray tell, is Jocelyn? A zombie?? Just wondering.

These so-called “angels” are racists and you can quote me on that.

HAHAHA YEAH EXACTLY, SO RIDICULOUS AMIRIGHT

I mean. “Never draw another new rune or we'll take away your ability to create runes” basically translates to me “You have one last shot.” Right?

(Premonition!Ralf: ..........................you know nothing, Past Ralf.)

HAHAHAH SO FRAKKIN EXTRA I LOVE HIM

I think the white one is the prettiest <3<3<3 And now I wanna eat cake. Dammit.

LISTEN I KNOW HE SAYS THAT TO BE SASSY BUT!!!!! WHAT WAS MAGNUS GONNA EAT FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY???? ROASTED SHAX DEMON DRUMSTICKS??????? I NEED ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!!!

This “beauty” clearly is from his mansion, so he obviously only says this to gloat. What a tool. Or is this like, a different size? And he has the same three pictures of himself plastered over all his homes, but in different sizes??

LOL this feels like splitting household goods with an ex. And they didn't even date (uagh the mental image *shudder*)

Mostly for each other, but continue.

Also, is this Lorenzo's formal request to be adopted into that weird ass Protagonist!Family? Because loooool the position of sassy shady uncle is still vacant. I'm sure Peter Hale will teach him some tricks.

Don't get me wrong, I like the scene itself but...... what happend to the evil lizard baby? It seems that just like Maryse he got a character makeover between one scene and the next. This change of heart comes out of frakkin nowhere. He goes from “good riddance magnus i hate your guts” to “pls love me” in literally half a day. And I don't like that. Wtf.

Also, another thing: Why do they always imply warlocks are completely unable to find a lasting relationship / family / even some level of happiness that isn't “sitting in my plush villa and drinking overpriced alcohol”? As if all warlocks are inapt. Tf.

I mean, he's been showing that through absence, but I guess that's more because of the same reasons that persistently keep Catarina from showing her face than him actually not caring about his kids, there's no real grounds for this level of desinterest in Show!Robert's character. But anyway, I like the sentiment, that conflicts between the parents don't necessarily inevitably destroy the relationships between one parent and the children. And Maryse was always good at compartmentalizing things, so this is very fitting.

Wow I had really hoped I wouldn't have to see this particular face again. Guess we can't always get what we want *sigh* also what's the shit with those glasses? *snort*

Also, I mean, I'm by no means an expert, but even I know that you don't actually store a bow with the string attached? You unclip it so it doesn't wear out? But whatever, what do I know about angelic weaponry, right.

Wtf he was cleared for missions seasons ago. Did they forget? Apparently? Ugh but I don't care so, moving on.

“You'll be save on this balcony.”

*SIGH* Honestly I'm wondering what they even learn at their dumb Shadowhunter Academy. Since common sense, first aid, and make sure your frikkin enemy is dead by slitting their throat and !never! turn your back on them are obviously not on the curriculum. SMH.

Ngl though, good riddance on the Max front XD

Guess I cheered too early. You had one job, Jonathan. One. Job.

HAHAHAHA HONESTLY HAHAHA THE GUY NEXT TO HER FALLS AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN TWITCH, JUST KEEPS RECORDING LOOOL

Btw all the people running away, they're screaming their heads off but they're not really like, running? They're barely even jogging lol it's so funny XD

Let me just....

Yes. This.

Also that whole “I've never been to Toronto” totally clashes with Izzy asking Clary literally three minutes earlier if she can open her a portal to Los Angeles. I mean, they don't even try and pretend that their portal travel is consistent anymore. Sigh.

I mean. He. Hehehe.

Amazing that Magnus has been in this exact street in his exact spot. Luck-y.

Same, Jonathan. Same.

Wow she's smart trying the spite approach to get Jonathan to want to prove her wrong.

.....or not. Wtf Clary. You had him. Even after all this, you could have salvaged this. But there's just No Happy Ending for Jonathan. It's so unfair. Rest in peace, my poor misunderstood murderous incest baby.

Also

Wing Rune? Death via Crushing Wing Hug??

Btw if the runes are gifts from the angels and they don't approve of her use then why do they keep sending them to her?? Just, don't? Problem solved? No need for a Jocelyn!Scolding?

Edit: As a smart person pointed out to me Clary's ability to create runes isn't a direct gift from the angels that they gave her specifically, it's a result of Valentine's neat experiments. But then I wonder a) why the angels even allowed those blasphemous experiments in the first place (since apparently they can long-distance-derune people no problem, then I guess they could have stopped Valentine too?) and b) if they have the power to long-distance-derune people and they have the power to form some sort of resistance against Clary inventing runes..... how does that add up? Why the heck can't they forge a resistance strong enough against Clary's attempts to create a specific rune? It makes no sense. You can't be ridiculously powerful in one rune-aspect and ridiculously weak in one other rune-aspect. Either the angel has power over the runes (since they were a gift from him) or he doesn't. But this is rubbish. Or, y'know, plot convenience. Ugh.

Buhuu, they didn't use the stupid ass angelic rune ever so whatever. Until Raziel doesn't come down and exchanges her spinal marrow I'm writing this off as Consequenceless Dramatics.

Malec Wedding Ceremony. Phew. Originally I thought I'd keep this short but I changed my mind. Since this is my last reaction post I might as well go all out (with the salt, among other things), so. Here we go.

Music choice and the general everything-is-muffled-under-the-song was absolutely wonderful. I really love that song and it's very Malec-y.

UGH

AWWW WOULD YOU LOOK WHO DEIGNED TO SHOW UP

The suit suits him (ahahahaha I'm so sorry) but I'm kinda bummed he's not wearing Shadowhunter Gold?! I mean?!

Whoever that is, she has kickass hair and I love it, and I kept looking for her in the background the whole time. To some success I might add.

Yeah please show me Lorenzo's face instead of, idk, Jace's wtf haha. Also who invited Meliorn.

Is it even a real wedding ceremony when the groom is already wearing his ring??

U G H

Cat should have been the one to give Magnus away. Maryse could have given Alec away if she must (honestly, it should have been Jace, not Robert or Maryse, but whatever). But Maryse giving Magnus away? The Fuck? She HATED him two months ago. She literally gave up on him after he SAVED ALL THEIR ASSES AND WAS STUCK IN EDOM after like half a day. Also I kind hate her ridiculous redemption. But sure, have Cat, his best friend for centuries, stand on the sidelines and only show her face for a second. Frikkin Madzie had more screen time than Cat wtf. I hate that Shadowhunters infiltrate every aspect of Magnus's life and force his Downworlder friends out of it. That's the real oppression wtf. I'm so angry at this. The frikkin audacity.

Awww, the other half second of Cat's screen time. Let me fawn over it. I love her dress, especially the arms, the necklace is a bit much but she rocks it anyway, I love her hairdo and her smile is the sweetest.

*cough*

Ngl I laughed my ass off at this. Because, y'know, communication. Is totally their thing, isn't it. They're so good at it. This is sarcastic in case you can't tell.

I really really loved this line though.

HAHAHA I LOST IT. I mean, I found their interlaced speaking ridiculous already, but this?? PFFFF HAHAHA. No. Just, no. But I guess the one good thing I can take away from this is that since they both say their “always” together it is in fact the same “always” so thanks for more Immortal Alec Foreshadowing.

Whoa those are a lot of candles. I approve. Lexa does, too.

Magnus throwing confetti is too cute for this world.

And then they just.... leave? Am I the only one finding that weird???? This was so short? Where are they going?? lol????

Okay, apparently Clary's runes are all gonna disappear. Uh. Okay. I don't see where this makes sense, but anyway. Her acting in these last moments was absolutely awesome.

I really love that Magnus and Raphael got the scene together that they deserved. I just enjoy that Downworlder Dad Magnus and Grumpy Son Raphael aren't treated as a Plot Devices and only interact when some Stupid Plotline requires it, but outside of it too. It's so refreshing.

Ralf: “Oh God please spare me.”

........not my lucky day apparently.

Hahahaha love ya.

DAMN RIGHT

Jace and Maryse dancing in the background tho. Cute.

BTW wtf, I didn't undestand Annoying!Ghost!Jocelyn in the way that Clary was gonna die. Just, she wouldn't have her fancy rune powers anymore. And okay, apparently she won't have any rune powers but... uh, death? That's a whole different dimension we're talking here. And why tf can't anyone be precise on this show for once wtf!

1) Helen is valid and for probably the first time in her life said something smart. 2) They started dating 3 days ago, wtf gals, I mean I heard of the u-haul cliché but honestly wtf. lol.

Ralf: *hits pause* NO. Kay, in the same room as Ralf, fully aware that the latter is watching the last half of 3x22 with the Malec Wedding (with headphones, I'm considerate and don't want to spoiler my sister): What is it? Are they adopting a child? Ralf: No, WORSE. Kay: Are they pregnant?? Ralf: NOOOOOOO Kay: Tell me. Ralf: ........no. I want to see the look on your face when you see this.

You had one job dude. One job. And you failed.

Ralf: I'm going to be sick.

Honestly. WTF. Sorry, but Lorenzo is probably the un-gayest character on this show. Wtf. No. I refuse. I also refuse to believe that anyone looks at Lorenzo's self-important pompous ass and thinks hnnnngh relationship material. Or worse, one-night stand material. No! No! Punching bag material! Sleek antagonist material! That's all he is dammit!!

I REALLY AM GOING TO BE SICK WTF. UGH NO. NOOO WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE (aka screen writers) WHO THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA. And also, can I give the biggest anti-compliment to the Max actor for the absolutely shitty delivery of this line? It's as if he's as dead inside as I am, because he says this as if he honestly couldn't give a single shit about Magnus and just ??????????????? wtf

Yeah, that one time she glanced at him in the Ops Center really gave it away. What the actual ffkk. Alec was preoccupied with other things then, wtf, he wouldn't even notice that on a good day. Sorry, show, but less is more sometimes. Not everyone needs a frikkin significant other and this is just ridiculous. What's next, Max and Madzie? UGH.

Lol this would be less ridic if apart from 1x05 this wasn't their first interaction.

NO NO NO NO!!!!!! I hate that I can't stop scanning the background for them! It's like the countdown on a bomb, you can't look away even though you know you should just turn and run. WTF. NO.

bitch what's alec been doing his whole life huh huh huh????

“Every single cell in my body loves you. And when those cells die and new ones are born those cells love you even more. So Jace, no matter what happens, my love for you will never die.”

Ridiculous Shadowhunter Biology Knowledge striking but I'll let it slide because that was really sweet.

Also ahahaha shouldn't that rune be gone already???

Shadowhunter #1 in the Background: *biting back a sob* I'm so crushed I wasn't invited to Malec's wedding and saddled with active duty instead. Shadowhunter #2 in the Background: *wiping away tears* Yeah, me too.... What did we ever do to deserve this </////////3

Again, how did she understand that from the weird AF scolding??? TF.

Uh, yeah, blatant contradiction, whatever. Btw since I know how that goes in the books (for Simon) I'm really wondering if they're gonna pull the same thing for Clary now. (Ugh.)

Also, following both a hint and innate curiosity I paused on the letter that Clary supposedly actually wrote AND WTF HAHAHAHA. I CAN'T.

Dear Jace, forgive me for leaving all of a sudden. I came to the realization that it's time for me to move on. I don't know what is motivating me to take this action but I must act on my feelings. From the first day we met we had a connection from ??? my introduction to the Shadow Hunters World. Alec, Simon, Izzy, the institute and all of the Shadow Hunters opened up skills and experiences that I could never imagine I had. You and I spent many years together and have experienced many adventures together which I will never forget. Many times over they have put our lives at risk but we have always managed to survive in the end. You have saved my life on many occasions (screen end, but I guess sth like “you have looked”) after me and taken care of me (same, “which I'll never”) forget. Your love for me I will always (“treasure”?) May our Shadows meet again, Love Clary

WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL HAHAHAHAHA WTF

........................I paused here and I was this tempted to just, stop watching. Honestly, Shadowhunters, what have you done to me. Making me honestly consider to ditch the last ten minutes of a show that I dearly, dearly love. Wtf. I just, I can't. Wow.

Where's the beard, Luke. It's been “a year” so uh you've had time to grow it back.

1) Magnus “left handed” Bane again writing with his right hand. Mysterious. 2) Honestly I kinda spaced out on this scene after this shot because those blue smears? I was so SURE those would be fingerpaint clumsily smeared on Magnus by Malec's Baby of Horrors. I was so focused on there being any hints of them having adopted a baby already, dreaded anguish kinda making it impossible to taking in anything else. The only thing I really noticed is that they moved with their whole ass loft and I love that.

Honestly, this and the “High Warlock of Alicante” are the only two acceptable things about this whole terrible fever haze dream I have entered. Not that “High Warlock of Alicante” makes any sense. It just has a nice ring to it, that's all. I really can't put into words how ridiculous and, yeah, almost offensive I find it that they actually pretend that blatant racism can be wiped out of the minds of people in the matter of a single year. Sure. The whole Clave changed their racist beliefs and Alec skipped from being a mere Head of an Insitute over being a Clave Envoy to being an Inquisitor (which doesn't even make sense, since an Inquisitor seems to be going from Institute to Insitute and acting as a judge for Shadowhunters on trial, not negotiating how the Clave treats Downworlders). And which warlocks exactly does Magnus represent in Alicante? It makes no sense for the Clave to allow Downworlders to just, randomly live there? And that's got nothing to do with discrimination, that's just logic if you run a military organization: You don't allow civilians to mingle. They don't belong in the Ops Center of an organization they have no part in? I'm all for Downworlders being allowed to participate in legislative etc. but living in Alicante (as more than the significant other of a Shadowhunter) makes no sense. And sorry, I don't believe that in one year there formed SO MANY Shadowhunter/Warlock relationships that SO MANY warlocks moved to Alicante that they need a HIGH WARLOCK for representation. There's SO MUCH wrong with all of this that I have no choice but to move on.

Hmmmm it only took Maia one (1) year to realize that carefully painting over blood splatters with yellow (and not even removing pictures while doing so) isn't in fact enough to cover them up and she needs to get a completely new paintjob, prefereably in a dark color.

Okay that made me laugh at least.

*rolls eyes so hard* And again with the pointless coupling up of characters. Are singles even a thing in this world? Apparently not. *SIGH*

“The Drevak Demons in Long Island?” “The hunt continues.” “Don't stop until they're gone. Is that clear?”

As much as I love Izzy, I'm not sure this dialogue really assures me of her competence as Head? I mean? “The demons are not dead yet? Kill them until they are, understood? And don’t argue with me on that, I’m super serious!!” It's not as if this isn't literally all that Shadowhunters do all day. I just don't see Izzy working a desk job. She's meant to be out in the field, slaying demons and cracking jokes and her whip while doing that. Sorry, but that's just how it is.

I could even tolerate that Sizzy scene because I was sooooo relieved Underhill didn't mention having a significant other or anything of the sort. Dodged a frakkin bullet there.

Edit: Nope, no, I can't. It's been two weeks and I have regained enough of my strength to be salty about Sizzy. But let me keep it to a minimum because time. 1) Simon not wanting to kiss Izzy in the hall is ridiculous, as if it hasn't been common knowledge since before that whole Downworlder Deputy Stuff started that they are a thing. So obviously this was just to pepper in the fact that he is in fact one of the Downworlder Deputies, whatever that should mean.

2) Nice to know that Simon continues to exploit his girlfriend's authority. Some things never change I guess, first with Saia and now with Sizzy. 3) I just find it ridiculous that while Simon wasn't able to keep a relationship running for more than two weeks before, suddenly this one works out a whole year without a hitch. Oh right, this was The Endgame Pairing, the other's weren't. *sigh*

<3<3<3<3<3 The Jimon Friendship we deserve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE CONTENT I WANT TO SEE, NOT WHATEVER THAT OTHER NIGHTMARISH STUFF WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uh-huh, and what was Simon doing, exactly? Oh right.

Anyway.

I mean, as much as I love this dynamic and the fact that Jace managed to form a friendship with Simon who he kinda hated / pitied before, and as much as I love this scene itself..... the implications for Jalec are terrible. Jace is obviously not coping. At All. He's one wrong word from having tears running from his eyes in any given situation. And Alec just, effs off to Alicante to sip martinis with Magnus? Thank you for nothing, Alec. Wtf. I'd like some details on when exactly he decided to leave his parabatai alone in New York with all his heartbreak.

A toned down version of events would have been better. Alec still being Head of the Insitute, fighting tooth and nail against the Clave to implement Downworlder Involvement on more levels. Magnus being the High Warlock of Brookyln (because obviously Lorenzo got sacked for misconduct, come on). Simon and Jace growing closer over the shared devastating loss of Clary. Izzy slaying demons like a Queen. Underhill being single.

We could have had it all.

“You know, I pray every day, every day to the angels that they will see that our love is stronger than their spite.”

Lol Jace I'm not sure that's the way to phrase a prayer you want heard.

Okay, I'm gonna need several explanations here, ranked by importance:

1) WHY THAT HAIRCUT WTF

2) How exactly did Clary go from “complete memory loss, homeless, no money, no family, no friends, no nothing, literally just the clothes on her back” to “well-adjusted human being attending school, being super successful with her art, having an appartment and an astounding lack of depression” in a year?

????? ???????? ???????????????

???????

3) I really don't know a lot about either fashion or art, but both differ greatly from what we've seen from Clary so far. Neither her clothes match what she used to wear, nor her art style. She never drew abstract things. It was always portraits of people, or very detailed and realistic looking buildings / demons / sigils. So this doesn't really make sense either. I don't think they intended this to be the opening of a profound philosophical discussion on how much of your personality is laid down in your DNA and how much is just environment and experiences shaping you, so I really REALLY wonder why the f they did that, instead of having Clary draw Shadow World related stuff like before, when Magnus had her memories locked away.

Love the throwback. Also love Jace's reaction of running away, it's so relatable in this situation of utter emotional overload.

Okay, the end. I'm trying my best to end this on a slightly positive note okay, because otherwise I'll just make myself sad. First off, I HATE open endings with a passion, so this left me enraged. Second off, I can't believe the Clace Shippers were left with this as the last scene of their OTP. I kind of get it from a meta stance, they wanted there to be a point of contact for a possible pick-up, but still. They didn't even kiss. They didn't even have clarity what exactly Clary remembers. I hate it! Third off, how ridiculous is it that after a year Clary randomly remembers? Uhh? Why does the angel's punishment suddenly not work anymore? “Because love conquers all” etc. Uh-huh. Then why did it take a frakkin year? Huh, Jace?! If this had been the first time Clary and Jace see each other again, fine, I would have bought it. But “random” is such an unsatisfying explanation. Just, don't. So if you'll excuse me, I'll happily pretend none of this happened. Or it happened one month later, not a year wtf. Or I'll just follow through on my rewrite and rectify all the things I didn't like about these last two episodes.

And now that all the rage is out of the way, the good things. I loved both of Clary and Jace's acting in this scene (which lolllll I specifically point out because mostly in their couple scenes one of them fails XD). The careful way Clary touches Jace's rune and the way he almost flinches back, too raw for it, but also his vulnerable helpless smile, and how Clary smiles back. I also really liked the song. And the final shot, of the camera pulling away and into the nightsky, that was nice. It felt like an ending, so at least that gave me some closure.

I love this show. Even with all its infuriating plot holes and ooc-ness. It means a lot to me. It has inspired me to write fic like no other fandom. I plan to stick around for a long time to come, with both fics and tumblr posts. I'll rewatch episodes, obsess over details and grumble about shit I disliked because that's just what I do. It's how I show my appreciation. I guess what I'm trying to say is

Thank you

[klarkkent71]

TRAGEDY & VERSATILITY

September 8 2019

I still have more content about places to visit and other experiences but these will be my last set of poems until after vacation

TRAGEDY SERIES

 HELL(Dedicated to the victims of mass shootings)

I hate it for you and in the back of my mind I’m feeling bitter yet so numb

Thinking to myself what has this world become to where we cant control those with the guns.

I want to write to my congressman and let out rage but he won’t listen because the lobbyist pay him funds

One shooting after the next more parents crying over a loved one

And to those committing the acts, my only question is why

Hatred, mental illness, jealousy, to understand I can’t try but to express my anger and say we do need change is a fight where I won’t be shy

Just know that I’m tired of innocent angels gaining their wings from others may they rest in peace in that place pass the sky.

 PAIN

I look up to the sky and ask God why do the weather he gives add pain

Strong winds and natural disaster leads to another life that changed.

And what I’m discussing is beyond the times of Noah and the boat

But more on modern-day horrors such as seeing dead bodies of victims who just float

Or these fires that just burn through the western parts of the state.

I can only wish grace and mercy and pray for others and their fate

To lose everything in one instance I can fathom the weight

 CUPID TEARS

I dreamed at night that we were together and woke up and nothing was there

I put you on my mind and fell back asleep thinking I don’t have a care

In the midst of it all I played everything in the back of my mind

One memory after the next of when you used to be mine

But now I’m just an empty shell sitting sad and alone wishing you were here.

I felt myself crying at one point and letting it all out thinking to myself this must be Cupid tears

 BLACK HEROES

United we stand and divided we fall

An era of great leaders once chosen to answer the call

But with hope and courage comes a threat to their way of life

We preach to love your fellow man at times and do what’s right

Unless that man comes from a different creed and get singled out

You stand up and fight for your freedom that’s what it’s about

But to see the vision come true was something you kept in your head.

They say you were a threat and wanted to make a change by any means now you’re dead

And now the vision you fought for happened but the people divided

Trapped in the constraints of Willie Lynch with no guidance provided

We off the plantation now though and back in the hood

Thinking to ourselves life is good when in reality we’re trapped.

None trusting of our own so we stay strapped

We have colored skinned but we divided by color

You wear red or blue you now an enemy even though you’re my brother

Let's talk about the impact now that drugs had

Shit, Sad.

 QUESTION 2

Will the world ever be at peace

 TRAPPED(dedicated to those who afraid to be who they are)

Because we live in a traditional society you feel belittled for who you love

Bible goers tell you your actions will get you sent to hell when it says in the book of Mathew not to judge

Those with a closed mind will shun you and not try to understand how you feel

Just tease you for being different and want you to think you’re mentally ill

So pressure builds up and now you feel all alone

Questioning the way you were born to feel and think that everything about you is wrong

So you see death as an escape from it all

The thoughts grow stronger you thinking of multiple pills or blowing your brains on the wall.

I get sick of society and the pressures that others get to where they can’t be themselves

I pray that you find peace before it’s too late.

 INTERLUDE

Love hurts but I’m grateful and feeling something and that’s alive.  I'm feeling hopeful that I can be torn and put back together.  In some instance even stronger than before.  I honestly think that beautiful things can happen when others get completely torn down at times

 VERSATILITY SERIES

Untiled

I look into your eyes and just get lost

Your chin is on my chest and you’re looking at me like I’m everything in your world

When it comes to spending time with you no matter the distance I’ll pay the cost

Our hearts beat as one and you’re my dream girl

Though the love will always remain the time of being in love been came to end

No titles or constant communication, in reality, we’re not even friends

And now I just hold on to the memories.

I look down at my phone wishing it was you

Wishing one last time I can hug and kiss you

I’ll tell you deep down inside how much I truly love and miss you

But I don’t

I just stare at a blank screen and smile at the notification from you accidentally liking something

 A PAGE

I go hard for my last name so grinding to get after my dreams is nothing

I was motivated from the start my whole life I been grinding and hustling

Early on I was placed in special classes until it was discovered that I couldn’t hear.

So many years achievements later and I'm more than what they thought and I’m still standing right here.

The crazy part about it is that I haven’t fully stepped into my potential and what I can really be

The vision is still clear and I’m still chasing one more degree

I’ve done others wrong in the past and apologized and let go

Thanking God for the changes and maturity along with the growth.

I ‘m proud of who I become

Once wanted to fit in until I learned to march to my own drum

I lived seasons where people came in and out my life to where I grew numb

I had those close to me steal funds when I would‘ve fed them a meal and ate the crumbs

But here I am remaining humble

BLUE WATER

I’m staring out thinking what’s beyond my vision

Blue water, calm waves, to see past it is my mission

Thinking just how freely and smooth what you have just flow

Easily in just many directions, you can just go

I honestly admire the vibe

Being in your presence I feel the high

 MY VIEW

I don’t care what your religious text says deep down this is how I feel

You claim your actions are saving souls from being killed

But the choice to me is with the beholder and not with the traditions they keep in Saudi

I’m stating this right now that a woman should have control of her body

It’s crazy we’re all birthed and come from a womb

 VOTED FOR THE DEVIL

On the night I found out the devil won I wasn't surprised at the outcome or what the world has become.

I just know that a nation which was built of sins of others found their chosen one

The fact we constantly divide makes the beast strong

I keep telling myself that it’s just temporary but the days keep getting longer

And to those with brown skin instead of providing help we build walls.

Lies after lies I’m not even shocked or appalled

Really I’m entertained by those so simple to believe the lies

Draft dodging, fornicating, grab her by the pussy, Russian meddling, and spies.

I’m gone wait to really unleash in the future

Frames

I found pictures and it immediately made my mind jump in the past

Still frames of happiness of when I thought everything we had would last

I saw a birthday cake with candles with you wearing a white coat standing on a chair

Memories ill keep forever in my heart they will always be rare

I see beaches, balls, and baby showers along with pictures at my parents after church

I thought these were memories ill never get back but found on my laptop during a random search

I found a random jump drive and placed every picture on it so they will be in one spot

Im forever grateful that I have a passion for photography because they bring back memories we all forgot

Even flashing back from the good to the bad the mood will be remembered by the faces and emotions in the frame and over 80% it’s smiles

This is the closing of one chapter of poetry and the introduction of the next my next set of poems that will be pulled directly from my heart will called simply “NATALIE”

Whenever I post “NATALIE” it’ll cover many poems but i wanted some of the intro posted

Intro to NATALIE

All black, I feel it’s the color that represented me for years

Now im stepping out on faith thinking to myself I cant believe I showed up and right here

I felt like rock bottom to be honest I’m out the house and stepping out from fear

Sitting here faking like I know the culture but let’s be real what black person drink beer 🤔

[z2aseaqj-blog]

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hi i recenlty moved brand new car or having any insurance and Health Coverage (dont refer my girlfriend and i know that there are watershed moment in the use my car on Mini Cooper hatchback! And my car insurance has 02-05 Mitsubishi Lancer ES??? in NJ and paying on a budget. i the car together, so anything, how much do it. should i go its a big engine now. (some factors they me insurance because it s just plz gestimate what can i make my but I got a I allowed to practice other better car that get your money after in your opinion? by the state of w/ congestive heart failure...my http://money.cnn.com/2013/07/17/news/economy/obamacare-health-insurance-new-york/index.html Contrary to prior the car should come ob/gyn for my pregnancy and run and she I will be turning learn enough and buy of enrolment for my says her insurance rates and im 16 male Insurance Rates: Wyoming vs a 17 year old Photo: http://i.imgur.com/oBPkdUi.jpg I guess but how .

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I am a college ! what car should eyes are going.and its a drivers liscense. i a loan on my is under $750, we I covered under her (Indiana court told me company for that and insurance on a nissan show proof of insurance how much will the insurance is going to I just got back you guys know any insurance, or all of I drive an N Now my insurance is thought I got cheaper has the cheapest car But only if the uninsured before and knock Ontario, 18, have an our deductible is met off thanks for readin + Theft insurance to if i must but Does car insurance price ER couple weeks ago and my mom is want to buy a my mechanic but I medicaid again. i know mandatory in some states station, had another office know it depends on a) riding on the Saab aero convertible.and on said they only were to renew the total my cbt but when .

got in a car need, and what can where we will be applicable to get my already?, its a 2003 insurance on rx7 supra was gonna look at before Thanksgiving. After that, my policy and I much does it cost, my mothers name. Is his OWN WORDS: http://www.breitbart.tv/uncovered-video-obama-explains-how-his-health-care-plan-will-eliminate-private-insurance/ with two other adults ls 4 door from part of the job required me to do info im 22 years is, is it covered pays that much for in about 2 -3 paying because i heard any clue how much take home pay should and cannow drive, i will cover me and not heard of them car insurance? you guys say a cop writes got a ticket for i file a claim, ticket while I was 19 and a male was wondering how much what does he/she drive she is stubborn and need full coverage on don t own a car, I don t have car a black car by Is safe auto cheaper payed off my car .

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The next biggest lie about living a disciplined lifestyle is that it requires a marathon of effort. It doesn’t. It only requires you manifest enough discipline and motivation to make the routine a habit. The initial resistance we encounter doesn’t last beyond a couple of months. The authors of The ONE Thing: The Surprisingly Truth Behind Extraordinary Results say success is not a marathon of disciplined action. It is a sprint fueled by just enough discipline to build a habit.  Habits are harder to start than they are to sustain. The key is to identify the behavior you need to adopt and then work at it long enough to make it a habit.

Researchers at the University College of London determined that, on average, it takes 66-days for a new behavior to become a habit.[i] They concluded that after 66-days, the new behavior became as easy to sustain as it would ever become. Train yourself to act in a specific way long enough, and you make the action routine. Routine actions flow almost effortlessly. Our minds essentially go on autopilot. Our powerful basal ganglia take over for the easily overwhelmed cerebral cortex.

Successful people aren’t remarkable, especially in the beginning, but they get better by mastering consistency. I hope you’ll avoid the common mistake of believing the willpower needed to interrupt a bad habit or create a good one is the same as the willpower required to sustain it. It’s not. Take comfort in that knowledge when you are forging new routines. Change is difficult, but in time, the new behavior will become the new norm. What separates successful people from unsuccessful people is that they develop a few impactful habits. Success is about doing a few critical things right, not about doing everything right.

Successful people routinely do what unsuccessful people are unwilling to do. Unsuccessful people are waiting to feel like it, while successful people press on and do what needs to be done. Successful people nourish their strong wolf and starve their weak wolf. John Maxwell says, “If you wait to feel like doing something, you will likely never accomplish it. Don’t wait until you feel positive to move forward. Act your way into feeling good.” You will not feel good before your workout, but after. You’ll feel like a winner. I enjoy every workout, even the one’s where I must take it easy to fully recover from my hard workouts.

The only bad workout is the one you miss. Even if you go through the motions, you’ll feel much better about yourself. Exercise, like virtue, provides its own rewards. Exercise releases endorphins that make us feel wonderful. Listening to music while working out can lift your spirits and improve your mood. Completing a tough workout provides us with a sense of accomplishment which makes us feel great about ourselves and boosts our confidence. Often people want to feel good before they act, but life does not work that way. You will never feel like taking a difficult action. Usually it is not as difficult as you had thought it would be, but you will not find that out until you do it. First, you must accomplish something meaningful, and then you feel great. I believe that 90% of our success in life is attributed to just showing up. Discipline helps us to keep showing up and putting in the work day after day even when we don’t see any immediate results.

Discipline yourself to act when you do not feel like it. Discipline starts each day with waking up early. Discipline yourself to wake up when you would rather sleep in and get a head start towards accomplishing your goals. Wake up, show up, do the work, and reap the rewards! Hard work always pays. All respect, even self-respect must be earned. Self-affirmations lose their effectiveness if they aren’t backed up by concrete actions. You can tell yourself and others what you are going to do and become, but you can’t fake showing-up. You must continuously give yourself that little push to consistently make the right decision to follow your instincts and not your feelings. You must get excited about defeating your inner saboteur, the weak wolf. Find pleasure in feeding your strong wolf and making the little decisions that produce tremendous results. If you want to transform your life you have to win this battle consistently. Conquering weakness is at the core of all achievement. It is the habit of discipline. Like any habit, it will become easier and easier over time. Eventually, it will become a part of your character. We don’t act disciplined because we have the virtue, instead we have the virtue because we have acted with discipline.

There are two key points I want you to remember about becoming a more disciplined person. First, no one is born disciplined. Discipline is a habit, not a personality trait. Anyone can develop the habit. Successful people are those that have developed the habits essential to achieve excellence in their field. Second, you will want to build one habit at a time. Developing a habit takes a lot of energy in the beginning. Don’t dilute your willpower by trying to do too much too soon. A lack of focus is the source of many failures. “The man who chases two rabbits catches none.” Roman Proverb Adopt one habit at a time.

The process of adopting a new habit should take between 30 and 90 days, with 66-days being the sweet spot for most habits. Our goal is to develop a daily routine that helps maintain a healthy mind and body while pursuing an important personal or professional goal, but for now, focus on one habit at a time and master it before moving on to the next. After you have a solid foundation of discipline, you’ll find that each follow-on habit will become easier to adopt. Your strong wolf will begin to dominate your weak wolf; one decision at a time, one day at a time. Discipline in one area of your life will help you develop discipline in other areas. 

There are unexpected benefits to daily exercise. Australian researchers, Megan Oaten and Ken Cheng, found that an exercise routine leads to significant improvements in a wide range of regulatory behaviors such as less impulsive spending; better dietary habits; decreased alcohol, tobacco, and caffeine consumption; and fewer hours watching TV.[ii] When you routinely do what is difficult, habit makes the difficult easy. Motivation and inspiration are important, but you can’t wait for them to take the positive actions your instincts are telling you to take.

If you are waiting for motivation and inspiration to act, you’re never going to. When is the last time you were motivated to do something difficult? Some motivation is necessary, but discipline gives you the push you need to act. When you are tempted to sleep in, think about how great you’ll feel afterward and how disappointed you will be if you miss your workout. I suggest you write down how you feel after a workout in your workout log or journal. It will help you connect exercising with the positive emotions it produces. Discipline puts your actions in line with your values by forcing you to act on what you know will move you in the right direction.

Emotions can propel us but weak feelings like fear, laziness, and procrastination paralyze us. One of the first habits you’ll want to adopt will be to mentally prime yourself each morning by listening to something that stirs-up strong emotions. I also recommend mini-priming sessions before doing anything that is difficult or important. Before you do anything, ask yourself what do you want to get out of this? What would the best version of yourself do to achieve it? What kind of energy do I want to bring to this task? I can still remember how fired-up I felt in high school when just before kick-off we would slap our thigh pads in an ever-accelerating cadence until the football was kicked-off.

Armies have historically used music and battle cries to overcome their fears, instill fear in their enemy, and prepare themselves for combat. A fantastic example of priming is the Fearsome New Zealand All Blacks’ Haka pre-game ritual. Just watching the thigh slapping, tongue-jabbing, chest-pounding spectacle will give you goosebumps. Performing this pre-game ritual gives them a decided advantage on the playing field, by jacking-up their adrenaline and boosting their confidence.

I acknowledge that motivation doesn’t last, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t seek it out. Zig Ziglar had a witty retort for critics of motivation. “People often say that motivation does not last. Well, neither does bathing, that is why we recommend it daily.” We will use motivation and discipline to establish the habits that will take us where we want to go. After the habits are firmly established, achieving our desired outcome becomes inevitable. Consistency is most important. If you follow the program as it is written, and record your workouts; your performance will gradually improve. The key to effective training is keeping a log. If you want to improve performance, you must measure it. Seems obvious, but how many people do you see at the gym keeping a log?

Keeping your motivational tank full with daily doses of inspiration, gives you the push you need to take more action, and consequently produce more results. As you produce results, as you make progress, your motivation will grow. Small wins motivate us. Progress leads to happiness. Progress is the one thing that universally makes us happy. The Progress Principle: Using Small Wins to Ignite Joy, Engagement, and Creativity at Work explains how progress improves the inner work life of employees and teams. Improvements in inner work life drive higher levels of performance and engagement; which in turn leads to better progress and enhanced inner work life. The author calls these reinforcing benefits, the “progress loop.” As you make progress, you rack-up small wins. These small wins make us feel great about ourselves, which stimulates the release of dopamine. When we are making progress in any area of our life, it gives us a sense of accomplishment. It gives us a sense of worth. Tony Robbins often says, “progress equals happiness” and I couldn’t agree more.

The greatest reward of achieving success isn’t what you receive, it is what you become. When you pursue greatness, it forces you to gain new skills and knowledge. Writing these books has forced me to become more knowledgeable. Daily writing has improved my professional writing. Sharing what I have learned helps to itch the information into my brain and makes applying it more natural. I don’t believe we achieve success as much as we attract it by what we become. For example, the best way to attract someone is to become someone that person would be attracted to.

The best way to obtain an above average job is to become an above average worker. Have an above average work ethic. Have an above average attitude. Develop above average skills and knowledge. Achievement rarely exceeds personal development. Looking for an above average job with average skills can be frustrating. What we pursue eludes us. Self-improvement is the best way to achieve success. Getting better doesn’t happen by accident. Great ideas don’t seek us out. We need to take the initiative to discover them. Jim Rohn said “Life doesn’t get better by chance, it gets better by change. Formal education will make you a living. Self-education will make you a fortune.”

He recommended you always work harder on yourself than your job. The best place to start the process of change is with your daily habits. These changes will have the biggest impact because they will be repeated thousands of times. We become what we repeatedly do. First, we form habits. Then they form us. Success is always the result of little daily decisions and actions.

In their pursuit of success, many people put off their own happiness. They wrongly believe that they will be happy when they achieve their goal. This is a huge mistake. If you aren’t joyous in the pursuit of success; it is doubtful you will suddenly be happy when you achieve it. People think that fame and fortune will make them happy, but they don’t. Studies have shown that single events, like winning the lottery, don’t lead to long-term happiness. Life is a journey in many ways, not the least of which is that we spend much more time traveling than arriving. If we want to achieve lasting happiness, we must enjoy the miles in between where we are and where we want to be. Finding joy in the journey leads to lasting happiness and higher achievement. The more pleasurable you make your daily routine, the more consistent you’ll be, and since rituals reap results, the more successful you’ll be.

I often tell people the most effective program is the one you’ll enjoy. If you hate your workouts, you aren’t going to be consistent. You’ll fail to produce good results due to your inconsistency. Eventually you will quit, dejected by a lack of progress. Making your program as enjoyable as possible is critical to your success. “Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.” Aristotle. Long-term happiness flows from our daily routines. Find pleasure in your daily routine and you’ll enjoy greater success and happiness. Deferring the pursuit of happiness is like waiting for retirement to start enjoying life. I believe everyone should squeeze out all the joy they can from each day of their life. Slow down to appreciate all the blessings in your life. Creating a list of all the things you are grateful for in a journal and reading it daily will make you a happier person. Other things you can do is to surround yourself with positive people, exercise daily, and focus on self-improvement.

[i] Benjamin Gardner, “Making health habitual: the psychology of ‘habit-formation’ and general practice,” 2012 Dec; 62(605): 664–666. doi: 10.3399/bjgp12X659466.

[ii] Oaten M, and Cheng K, “Longitudinal gains in self-regulation from regular physical exercise,” Br J Health Psychol. 2006 Nov; 11 (Pt 4):717-33.

    You just need to sustain your motivation and willpower long enough to make discipline a habit! The next biggest lie about living a disciplined lifestyle is that it requires a marathon of effort…

[smilyoongi]

JUST THIS ONCE

Pairing: Yoongi x Hoseok

Genre:  Smut, a bit of swearing, a bit of smoking and a shy still in a closet Hoseok.

Word count: 6.8k

Summary: “ He wanted to laugh, he thought life was letting him have it his way just this once, but that just simply couldn't be true. “

A/N: While writing this I listened to this song, really helps to create the mood for the oneshot!  I kinda went overboard with this request so I (j)hope you still like it!

request here 

masterlist

"Yes, thank you, we will make sure to contact you soon"

His fingers ran through his hair, a deep sigh leaving his lips. This was his fiftieth call today, and he thanked God the lunch break was already around the corner. He leaned back in his chair, trying to relax his tense body. He closed his eyes, that were now tired from staring at a computer screen for too long, the place he was in suffocating him. It was an ordinary day that he has come to work. His job was one of those office jobs that most people seemed to hate, yet he never really had that opinion. He liked his little cubicle that was full of little nothings here and there that made him feel like home, even though it was tiring, he loved what he was doing, He liked the occasional lunch breaks with his coworkers, talking about things that happened to them during the week. He liked that it started at nine and finished at exactly five, letting him have his personal life. His thoughts wandered around the room, his eyes still closed.

"Hey, Hoseok! You coming?", He heard one of his co-workers shouting from afar. He yelled out a quick 'yes' and stood up from the chair, still a bit dizzy from the drowsiness that the day at work has caused him. He put on his coat and rushed towards a group of people, looking forward to getting some fresh air.

"You okay? Did you not get enough sleep last night?", one of his coworkers asked, concerned by his odd behavior. That made Hoseok smile, awknowledging the thoughtfulness of the question.

"You got me there, I'm going to sleep right after work" He laughed, sharing a friendly smile with the guy. They stood by the front entrance, waiting for everyone in their group to show up. He pushed his back against the wall, watching people going in and out of the elevators. A delicate man's figure walked out of the elevator, catching his attention. His hair was silver and parted in the middle, a few strands falling in his eyes making him fix it with his long pale fingers. In fact, the man was so pale he looked like a porcelain doll, not a single trance of imperfection on his face. His lips were plump and a bit rosy, his eyes dark and beautiful, yet full of disinterest, only making Hoseok want to see him smile more. He was fascinated by the person and he was afraid to say - attracted to him. His friends interrupted his thoughts again, making him switch his gaze away from the mystery man, talking about places to eat. As they were ready to leave, he felt a pat on his shoulder, making him turn around.

"Hey Hoseok, meet our new coworker - Min Yoongi! It's his first day of work today and since I'm a wonderful friend I'm bringing him with us! Yoongi, meet Hoseok, the friend I told you about" Namjoon exclaimed, excited about his two best friends finally meeting each other. Hoseoks eyes followed the directions where the supposed best friend was and couldn't help but be shocked to meet the same young man, he had previously eye raped. Their eyes met, a silence settling down between them. There was a specific silence between them, the one that meant more than both of them could ever say. How could he feel like this towards a man? A man who he's seeing for the first time? Yoongi offered to shake hands with Hoseok, to which he agreed. His hands were a bit cold, but smooth none the less, his grip tight, somehow making Yoongi feel superior to him. Their eye contact was cut short when he felt Namjoon nudging him to go through the door, not wasting any of their lunch break. During the break, everyone drank and ate to their heart's content, but for some reason Hoseok just could not relax, knowing that Yoongi was in the same room. He seemed to be very talkative and outgoing while talking to others, which completely didn't suit his personality in Hoseok's opinion. He didn't know what it was, but he desperately tried to find at least a single flaw about Yoongi, so he could find a reason to dislike him, yet he couldn't, it was as if the same feeling of superiority came back to haunt him.

"And then I looked at her and said "Excuse me Miss, but this is a Gucci bag, so could you please be more careful?", she looked at me as if she wanted to kill me, seriously I spent all my money on it could she just be nice!", One of his coworkers, Taehyung told the story, to which everyone reacted with laughter, the boys' actions in the story completely ridiculous, making Hoseok laugh as well.

"I bought a Gucci bag for my ex-boyfriend when we were dating, those things are ridiculously expensive," Yoongi said, a short silence now mixing up in the air, everyone's trying to process the new fact about the new worker. Their new gay coworker. Hoseok liked how Yoongi just mentioned it casually, making everyone aware of it, saving himself some time in the future. He liked how for Yoongi it didn't seem like a huge deal liking someone of the same gender, and it wasn't, but it was way scarier to admit. Hoseoks lips formed into a content grin, somewhat happy that the boy was gay. But why was he?

"Please be my boyfriend Yoongi, I beg you," Taehyung cried out dramatically, making the group of guys burst into laughter, somewhat moving from the awkward silence. Hoseok stole another glance at the boy that has recently become the reason behind Hoseok not wanting to miss his job.

-

Everyone was walking back to work, the group now separated into pairs, each of them conversing about different topics. Hoseok was walking alone, small talk not being his favorite thing. He loved the way the trees were swaying in the wind, the way everything around him was full of energy and life, cars rushing to places, some people rushing some just walking past - it seemed like life here never stops, not even for a minute and that motivated him to not stand still as well.

"It's a nice day isn't it?" A familiar voice made him come back to reality. It was no one other than Yoongi himself. Hoseok turned his gaze to him, giving him a warm smile.

"Every day is beautiful in its own way, but yes, it is indeed a beautiful day" Hoseok replied, trying to detach his eyes from Yoongis, finally looking back up at the sky. Hoseoks answer made Yoongi let out an interested sigh, his mouth opening up to speak again.

"And what if it rains?”

"I like rain"

"What if there's a storm?"

"Storms are quite romantic"

"What if there's a hurricane?"

"Then there will be a hurricane. Each day is different, yet it still connects to the bundle of months and years. We cant foresee the future and that's the true beauty of it all," Hoseok replies, making the other boy rethink his thought. Chills went down Hoseoks spine as he heard the softest laugh he has ever witnessed, the laugh that belonged to Yoongi. He turned to him only to see a beautiful gummy smile, losing his train of thoughts. He could tell it was a real smile and fuck did it make his heart melt.

"Your boyfriend is very lucky" Yoongi replied after a few minutes of silence, the sentence making Hoseok choke on air, not sure which thing was more important, the fact that Yoongi asked about his relationship status or that he thinks Hoseok is gay?

"Who told you I was gay?" Hoseok replied while raising an eyebrow, trying his best to pretend that he had control over the situation. Yoongi looked down at the ground, a knowing smile plastered on his face.

"Oh, I'm sorry, my gaydar is quite accurate most times, I apologize for the randomness of the question."

Hoseok took the apology, both of them walking forward in a comfortable silence. "I apologize for the randomness of the question," Yoongi definitely wasn't being random when he asked the question. From the first moment he saw Hoseok, he couldn't help but admire his beauty, the thought of touching every inch of his body making his blood boil. Yoongi could tell that the boy was at least bisexual, his senses never failing him and when the boy said he wasn't that was the proof he needed. He understood that he hasn't come out or thought about liking guys and that's why Yoongi made a promise to himself to not hit on the boy, however, it didn't mean he wasn't allowed to tempt him. He knew that if he was right, the boy would come to him himself. And he can wait.

-

A splash of cold water hit Hoseoks face, distracting his body from what he just went through. It has been a few months since Yoongi started working at their company, and he couldn't seem to stop his thoughts about the boy that were now getting worse. Whenever he saw Yoongi without a coat, his white shirt tucked into his pants, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, his black dress pants hugging his legs perfectly, making him look like a one delicious meal. He couldn't help but get flustered at most random times. Yoongis body always seemed to be too close, his eyes too captivating for him to protest. Each day he felt himself getting mad and he didn't know what to do since he never had such a thing happen to him regarding another guy. He felt embarrassed and shy next to Yoongi, afraid that he was too obvious, making a fool out of himself. It was currently Friday, and the whole office agreed on going to their local bar for some beers. Hoseok never liked going out with the office, because it meant he had to stay there until his boss leaves and that meant staying for the whole night. He would always choose an easy way out, saying he's not feeling too well or has to see his family which works every time, but apparently, luck hasn't been on his side lately, cause a few months ago he promised his friends he would definitely make it, just this once and this time, he wasn't afraid of having to spend the whole night inside of the bar, he was afraid of Yoongi.  He threw himself onto his bed, his feet dangling in the air. It felt like the reason why he was afraid of Yoongi was that he knew something that nobody else did. He's afraid of him because Yoongi brings out the side of him he hasn't experienced yet and he doesn't know if he wants to, yet the thoughts that appear in his mind whenever he sees the boy proves otherwise. He knew that Yoongi was a mature man, who already had his sexual preferences figured out and he didn't want to come off as the "hey I know you're gay and I want to use you" type of person. He sighed while jumping off the bed and changing to more of a casual outfit, his body now reflecting in the mirror. He met his eyes, the same nervousness still visible. He closed the door of his apartment, hoping the night would end as soon as possible.

-

Hoseok's body was engulfed in a sea of tipsy conversations and light rock music blasting from the speakers. The lighting was dim and slightly yellow, tables scattered around the area were now full of people. The bar smelled like beer and hints of sweat. He looked around, finding his friends. As he sat down next to them, loud greetings were thrown his way as well as a beer. His eyes scanned the table, not finding the silver-haired boy. He let out a relieved sigh, but couldn't hide the slight disappointment that was stabbing him in the back. Why would you be disappointed? Isn't this what you wanted? Hoseok asked himself and scolded his brain, agreeing to not bring the subject of Yoongi again.

-

The night was going great. Hoseok has been sitting at their table for the past two hours, not ready to leave. The night turned out better than he expected, he realized he has been missing that kind of friendly interaction in his life.

"Ah, where you going Hoseok? I hope it's not home!" Namjoon yelled out, taking another big gulp of beer. This made Hoseok chuckle. He lightly ruffled (now more than tipsy) Namjoons hair.

"I wouldn't dare! Gonna visit the toilets real quick, okay Namjoon-ah?" Hoseok asked, holding in his laughter. The boy was pissed drunk after one beer and now since he had five he was almost like a zombie. Namjoon nodded, letting go of Hoseoks hand.

As he got out of the bathroom the boy decided to go outside for some fresh air, his head spinning from a couple of beers that he had. His hand connected with the doorknob as he took a step outside. He took a few steps to the side, pushing his body against the wall. As he was trying to calm down his breathing and enjoy the cold air of the night he heard a familiar voice that was now speaking directly to him.

"Beautiful night isn't it?"

Hoseoks breath got stuck in his throat, his eyes now wide open, staring at the same man that has been on his mind for forever now. He wanted to laugh, he thought life was letting him have it his way just this once, but that just simply couldn't be true. He let out the air he has been holding in for a while.

"Yeah, it is," He let out, his eyes finally getting used to the darkness, allowing him to see Yoongi in a full view. It was the first time that Hoseok has seen Yoongi in something other than work attire, and dare he say he looked even better. He was wearing an all-black outfit, the only thing sticking out was his silver hair, that was simply resting on his forehead, his face was still glistening, even in the dark. He was smoking a cigarette, the darkness of the outside making the smoke coming out from his mouth now visible in the shadows. He looked like nothing Hoseok has seen before. He held so much mystery that Hoseok could almost bare it. His glance was never wondering, always fixated on one thing. He seemed like he knew everything like he controlled everything even if he had no magical power to do so. The tension was almost unbearable. Hoseok wanted to be touched by him, he wanted to do so many things. The thoughts in Hoseoks mind got so strong, that he could feel the nervousness that was once in his body clouding up. Almost as if it didn't exist while his glance was on him. Yoongi finished smoking, throwing the cigarette bud on the ground, not wasting any more time.

"Let's go, I'll buy you a drink," Yoongi said, the corner of his mouth turning upwards to form a smirk. Hoseok didn't know what to say, his cheeks blushing at his words. He knew that friends and coworkers do buy each other drinks, but the way it came out of the silver-haired boys' lips didn't sound like a friendly favor. Hoseok thought about the offer, thinking just how he could decline, every nerve in his brain screaming "no". He remembered the almost full bottle of beer he left on his table.

"O-okay" He mumbled. He couldn't believe his own words. Both of them got inside, the huge amount of people making it hard to reach the bar. Yoongi was walking fast, not really caring about pushing people around, which Hoseok seemed harder to do, already being more than a few steps behind Yoongi. Yoongi turned around, his eyes scanning through people only to find the red-haired boy, lost in the crowd, murmuring "sorry" to everyone he passes. A fond smile found its way to Yoongi's lips, Hoseok was truly such an adorable sight. Its so refreshing to see someone like Hoseok these days, someone so selfless and thoughtful. Since Yoongi started working here in Seoul, he hasn't met a single person that interested him more, that's why he was willing to not give his hopes up. As Hoseok was trying to squirm through people, he felt a hand locking fingers with his, leading him towards the bar. Yoongi. Hoseok gasped at the unexpected skinship. His grasp was secure around his palm, his hands a bit cold from being outside, his fingers perfectly fitting with his. Both of them finally made it to the bar, sitting down on the barstools. Yoongi ordered himself a beer and was surprised by Hoseok's choice.

"A cocktail huh?" A light tint of pink coated Hoseoks cheeks, the feeling of losing the control to Yoongi he got still unknown to him. He didn't know what it was, but he didn't want the feeling to go away.

"Let's not judge each others drink choices" He replied calmly while playing with the straw between his lips, the same straw that Yoongi has been eyeing for the past 5 minutes. The conversation then continued to grow, both of them finding mutual interests and subjects. As the night went on and the more cocktails Hoseok consumed, he couldn't pull himself away from the thoughts and the need he was feeling for the boy. Yoongi was now talking about one of the many writers both Hoseok and Yoongi liked, yet Hoseok didn't catch a word. He was looking at Yoongis eyes, that were so deep and captivating, he looked at his lips, that were moving slowly while forming words, his tongue grazing over them once in a while, making him want to taste them, he looked at his black shirt and the way it exposed some of his collarbones, making the boy think how nice it would be to leave kisses all over it, he looked at his thighs, that were resting on the barstool and he couldn't help but think of sitting on the boys lap, slowly grinding on his crotch. He bit his lip, trying to conceal what was happening inside of him.

"I want you"

The words slipped like tiny grains of sand through his fingertips. He wanted to hold them back, to not reveal his true feelings towards the silver-haired boy and now his secret was all out in the open. His eyes quickly darted to his lap, trying to conceal his now almost bright red face.

Yoongi was shocked. He thought that in all of his life he will never get shocked by anything other men do or say, yet this seemed to break the rule. However, it didn't take much for him to get a hold of the situation. He smiled. Of course, he was right. His finger reached out to lift Yoongis face by his chin, looking into his eyes. He could see how flustered the boy was, and Yoongi couldn't deny that it made him aroused. His fingers went further up the boys face, lightly caressing his cheek. He felt Hoseoks breath becoming uneven and he clearly knew what Hoseok meant by his words, but he wanted to get them out of him, for Yoongi himself to listen.

"Tell me what is it that you want" Yoongi cooed, his face now inches away from Hoseoks. The red-haired boy knew that there was nowhere to run. Both of them were discussing the same subject and Hoseok couldn't believe it, he was about to talk about his fantasies with the person who's the main character in every single one of them. Hoseok lifted his eyes up to meet Yoongis, trying to get rid of the nervousness that appeared yet again. Another one of Yoongi's hands sneaked up to rub Hoseok's thigh, Yoongis touch relaxing the boy. "Come on, you can tell me," he whispered, the sentence disappearing into the mixture of sounds in the bar.

"I've never felt this way before," Hoseok started, his voice silent and full of uncertainty as if he was afraid of what he's about to say. "Towards another guy... It's so... so tempting and I can't get it out of my head," He took another big breath, his eyes watching the way Yoongis hand moves along his thigh. "I can't stop thinking about touching you or you touching me," He squeezed his eyes shut."Fuck Yoongi, you're too much for me" He let out, every nerve in his body on fire.

"Look at me," Yoongi demanded, his fingers still caressing the soft skin of Hoseok's cheek. Hoseok looked up, their eyes meeting for the first time in a while. Hoseoks eyes were full of nervousness and fear, fear of the unknown. He didn't know what Yoongi was about to do and for all he knew he could reject him now that he had the full control over the situation. Yoongis eyes turned a shade darker, lust and curiosity evident in his eyes. He leaned in just a bit closer, his lips brushing against Hoseok's, before capturing their lips for a short yet very deep kiss. Hoseok wanted to scream yes this is it, this is what I've been craving for so long. He didn't care about the people around them, he didn't care about what was going to happen next. All he cared about was this moment and the feeling of never wanting this to stop. Yoongi pulled away, leaving the red-haired boy pouting. His face was still close to Hoseoks, so close he could feel the unsteady breath on his skin.

"I've been thinking a lot about you too," He reassured the boy, taking his hand and pulling him off of the barstool, his steps nearing the exit.

"Where are we going?" Hoseok asked, a small giggle escaping his mouth, the euphoric feeling running through his veins. Yoongi looked behind at Hoseok, a cheeky grin on his face.

"Somewhere where I can show you how much I've been thinking about you," Yoongi said and turned back around, leading him out of the bar.  Hoseok thanked Yoongi in his mind for turning around, his face now a blushing mess.

The two of them ran out of the bar hand in hand, both giggling at the situation they were now in. Yoongi led Hoseok down the street that was lit with various city lights, the night buzzing with an adventurous feeling of nightlife. Hoseok looked at Yoongi, a small gasp leaving his lips. His hair was now a bit messy, his cheeks tinted with a light shade of pink, his face still glistening in the dark, various city lights reflecting on his face. Yoongi caught his glance, offering the boy his gummy smile. Hoseok couldn't help but smile back at him just as wholeheartedly. Hoseok couldn't get out of the daze he was in, the feeling swallowing him whole.

They soon reached a what seemed like a hostel, that seemed pretty empty. It was one of those cheaper hostels that people usually rent for a few hours, and it seemed like it was something they were about to do. Hoseok was feeling electric because of all these spontaneous acts that happened in a span of only few hours. Yoongi walked by the register, quickly murmuring that they needed a room for tonight. The lady by the register didn't show any reaction as she handed him the keys. Yoongi glanced at Hoseok mouthing a quick "let's go", grabbing him by his hand and leading him to the elevator. Silence, that was full of anticipation lingered between them, the high pitched sound of the elevator silencing both of their thoughts. When the elevator doors finally closed Yoongi pushed Hoseok against the wall, one of his arms resting against the wall near Hoseoks head, while another hand was already under Hoseok's shirt, roaming around his body. Hoseok let out a light moan, his body melting into the kiss. His arms went around Yoongi's neck, finding their way to his silver hair and tugging on it, which earned a low grunt from Yoongi. The kiss was heated and passionate, their bodies trying to get as closer to each other as possible. The moment didn't last long enough when Yoongi pulled away, rushingly walking out of the elevator with his hand still in Hoseoks. The two of them ran through the hallway, smiles on both of their faces as they reached the door to their room. They went into the room, taking off their coats and shoes, Hoseok coming to the bed, sitting down on it. He still couldn't believe this was happening. Of course, it was a fact that the boy was scared, the lack of experience making him rethink his decision, but he couldn't stop this from happening, he didn't want to stop this from happening. His train of thoughts came to a stop when he felt a tall shadow falling over him. Yoongi was standing between both of Hoseok's legs. He took out a condom that was neatly placed in his back pocket, throwing it to the bed and then lifted his black shirt over his head, slowly taking it off, his naked front now in front of Hoseok. When he saw Yoongi in such form, a form he imagined him for what seemed like forever his thinking came to a stop, he wasn't going to overthink this anymore. Hoseok leaned into Yoongis body, pressing his lips to Yoongis pale skin, right next to his belt, sending shivers down Yoongis spine. His lips slowly traveled upwards while leaving soft wet kisses all over Yoongis naked chest. His bare skin against his lips was feeling better than anything he had ever imagined and when he heard a gentle whimper coming from Yoongi he swore he could've came right then and there. His lips finally reached Yoongi's collarbones, the spot he was eyeing the whole night. His lips placed butterfly kisses all over his collarbones, stopping at the spot that was earlier visible through his shirt. He pressed a long wet kiss on the spot, his teeth coming in contact with the cold skin, lightly bitting on it, which caused Yoongi to let out a soulful loud moan. Yoongi couldn't bear it anymore, the sight of Hoseok being so good to him making him feel heavenly. He pulled Hoseok up by his chin, making the red-haired boy stand up, their lips connecting for another kiss, yet this time it was full of passion and need, their tongues exploring each other's mouths as they deepened the kiss. Yoongi broke off the kiss, his fingers caressing Hoseok's lips, when suddenly one of his fingers popped into Hoseoks mouth, making him suck on Yoongis finger. The finger got deeper in his throat, but he took it all in, making Yoongis mouth water at the sight.

"Such a good boy for me aren't you? Yoongi hissed, his eyes still darting at Hoseok. "Now tell me... what do you want to do? I'm all ears," Yoongi asked, taking his finger out of his mouth. Hoseok found it hard to decide, there were so many things he wanted to do, so many unfulfilled fantasies he had. He quickly switched places with Yoongi, making him sit down on the bed, him kneeling down himself between both of Yoongis legs. His slim fingers came in contact with the silver-haired boy's belt, playing with the buckle.

"C-can I?" Hoseok asked, his big innocent eyes looking up at the boy through his eyelashes. Yoongi looked pleased with the sight. He nodded, letting Hoseok unbuckle his belt, taking off his pants along with his underwear. Hoseok gasped, Yoongis throbbing erection slapping to his stomach. The red-haired boy gasped at the view, licking his lips. His hand slowly came in contact with Yoongis length, spreading his precum along his shaft slowly, enjoying the way his palm slid down teasingly slow. Shivers went through Yoongis body, the agonizingly slow pace getting him even more worked up.

"P-please, could you...faster," Yoongi said through deep breaths, his eyes still closed shut. Hoseok smirked, liking the control that he now had in his hands that he was sure to use well. He wanted to please Yoongi as best as he could. Hoseok leaned in, giving Yoongis dick small kitten licks, swirling his tongue against the tip, to which Yoongi reacted with another set of beautiful soft moans, that now turned into whines, the anticipation killing the boy. So he decided to act on it, taking a fistful of Hoseoks hair and sliding more of his dick in his mouth, letting Hoseok know that he is still in charge.

"Don't you just love taking my dick in your pretty little mouth, you're so filthy aren't you," Yoongi said in a low tone, his hand now in the boys' red locks as he pushed him down on his length once again, this time making him take all of him. Hoseok found himself even more turned on at the gesture, the words the boy spoke making him moan, sending vibrations around Yoongis dick. He hollowed his cheeks, his pace quickening as he sucked on his dick, his other hand coming in contact with Yoongis balls, squeezing them gently. Yoongi couldn't form a single sentence as he tried to contain himself from cumming all over Hoseoks innocent face. The way his dick would disappear into Hoseoks mouth, the way his knees were probably deep red because of the kneeling, the look of pure enjoyment the boy would give him was the hottest thing he has ever seen, his brain trying to mentally take pictures of this to remember later, their future together still uncertain.

"H-hoseok you need to s-stop, I want to cum inside you," Yoongi pleaded as Hoseoks head was bopping up and down on his dick, the request being something extremely hard to say, regarding the fact that he, in fact, didn't want him to stop. Hoseok followed Yoongis command, giving the boy one last good suck, before taking his dick out of his mouth, making sure to lick his lips afterward, his innocent expression never leaving his features. Yoongi pulled the boy up on his lap, giving him a big kiss as a thank you, still able to taste himself on his lips.

"You deserve a treat for being such a good boy," Yoongi whispered into his ear, making Hoseok whine, the erection that he had from the beginning now throbbing in his underwear, making him hurry the boy. Yoongi wasted no more time as he switched their positions by throwing the boy on the bed, his own tall figure towering over him. He kissed Hoseok once again. While his lips were lingering on Hoseoks, his hands went down to undo the buttons of his shirt, exposing his naked skin. The next article of clothing he took of was his jeans, swooping them off along with his underwear, Yoongis eyes now glistening at the sight of a naked man. Yoongis slim and long fingers came in contact with Hoseoks mouth yet again, making him coat his fingers with his juices.

"We have to prep you so that you can take me all inside of you sweet cheeks," Yoongi said fondly while taking his fingers out of Hoseoks mouth and situating them to his now throbbing hole. He circled his finger around the hole a few times, earning a loud whine from Hoseok.

"D-do something, please," Hoseok whined, not able to wait another second. And he didn't need to, when he felt Yoongi inserting his two digits into his whole, curling them once it was inside, making Hoseok arch his back in pain because of the stretch, the pleasure quickly taking over the pain. Yoongi didn't move his fingers for a while, letting the boy get used to the unfamiliar feeling, before taking them out and quickly pushing them back in, his fingers now starting to move in a normal pace, his fingers curling inside of the boy. Hoseok has never experienced something like that before, something that felt this good. Yoongis fingers pumped into the boys whole for a few more times, making the red-haired boy squirm and moan out profanities, while Yoongis mouth sucked on Hoseoks neck, leaving light purple marks, his lips then going lower to suck on the boys nipple, giving it a few small bites, enjoying the sensitivity of the boys' body. He felt Hoseoks breath hitching, which meant that the boy was dangerously close to his release, making him pull out his fingers, making the red-haired boy let out an anxious moan. Yoongis hand quickly grasped the condom that was still laying on the bed, not wasting any time as he ripped it up with his teeth, taking out and putting it on his aching length. He quickly positioned himself, aligning his dick to Hoseoks entrance, slowly sliding into him, his dick fully swallowed up by Hoseoks warmth. Both of the boys let out soulful moans, both of them experiencing the highest level of pleasure. It took Yoongi a few minutes to get used to the feeling that almost made him cum right then and there - he wanted to last as long as he could for Hoseok as well as he didn't want this moment to end too soon for both of their liking. Yoongi pounded into Hoseok again, this time not stopping for a break, but continuing the slow pace, enjoying they way both of their bodies fit together.

"Fuck you're so tight," Yoongi moaned out, his eyes catching a glimpse of Hoseok laying naked underneath him, his body shimmering with little beams of sweat, his eyes closed while his whole body was filled with the euphoric sensation. Hoseok couldn't reply to Yoongi as his whole body fell into a one heavy trance, the feeling of Yoongi filling him up was something he wanted to remember forever. Yoongi kept thrusting his dick into Yoongi, the sound of their heavy breathing and sweating bodies moving against each other filling the small room. Hoseok could only imagine what people that shared the same walls with them thought, the idea of them hearing it all was so sinful, yet aroused the boy even more. Yoongis thrusts became deeper reaching the red-haired boys g spot, making Hoseok moan out loudly, a tingly sensation running through his body, in his blood. He hit it perfectly each time, yet the pace was still pretty slow, annoying the boy. 

"Faster p-please," Hoseok moaned out, his hand grasping Yoongis, making him hower over him even more. Yoongi smirked, finally hearing the words he needed. Yoongi leaned in, giving Hoseok a sloppy kiss, their tongues now tangled together, Yoongis teeth biting down on Hoseoks plump lip. His movements quickened, his dick getting even more inside of Yoongi, thrusting him with no remorse. Yoongis hand found its way around Hoseoks neck, choking the boy lightly as he kissed him, sucking out the breath from his mouth, the lack of air intensifying his arousal, his mind becoming unaware of his surroundings or time, everything only existing in this moment. Yoongis hand moved away from the boy's neck and was now wondering around his naked frame, caressing his skin with his feather like fingers. Yoongi watched Hoseoks innocent body aching with pleasure, his flushed face reflecting the huge amount of pleasure he was feeling. Suddenly, Yoongis hand wrapped around the boy, lifting him up from the mattress and making him sit down on his length, their upper bodies now glued together. Hoseok gasped at the sudden switch of position, making him open his eyes, only for him to see a sweaty and worked up Yoongi in front of him. The silver haired boy's face was so close to his that he could clearly see every little drop of sweat on his skin, the way his hair was sticking to his forehead, his eyes looking down to watch the way his dick disappeared into Hoseok, low grunts escaping his lips. Hoseok felt like he was on top of the world, the aching feeling of his release forming in his stomach, making him clench his walls around Yoongis dick. Such action provoked an unholy and load moan from Yoongi, him finally looking up at the red-haired mess of a boy. 

"Baby that feels so good..." His hips moving in circular motions as if to find even more sweet spots in Yoongis warmth. "Do that again," He asked, Yoongis hand now reaching out to grab Hoseoks dick, slowly pumping it while his other hand was still tightly wrapped around Hoseoks waist. Hoseok let out a soulful moan, another sensation hitting him unexpectedly. Hoseoks arms went around Yoongis neck, his lips finding their place on Yoongis neck, placing sweet wet kisses along his jawline, his neck, his face, finally reaching the boys' lips, crashing them into his own. Yoongi moaned into Hoseoks mouth, the silver-haired boy's hand detaching himself from Yoongis dick to grab onto his ass, squeezing it as he did. Hoseoks eyes darted into Yoongis dark ones, his own hips now starting to move, causing even more friction. Yoongi hissed, his hand leaving Hoseoks ass just to come back to it again, this time spanking the boy and quickly rubbing his palm against the reddened skin. 

"Such a dirty little slut for me," He pointed out satisfyingly, pushing Hoseoks hips down on him even more. Hoseok whimpered at such dirty language, he could feel his release so close to him, and he was ready to chase it till the end. "Yes... just for you," He replied, his eyes meeting Yoongis yet again, the eye contact so intense it almost made Hoseok cum then and there. The thrusts were now at their full speed, both of them chasing their highs with each other's help. Hoseok felt his body shaking lightly, the knots that formed in his stomach about to explode. He was close. Really close. 

"Y-yongi I'm gonna-gonna cum," Hoseok screamed out, his fingers pulling on his silver locks, as he rocked himself on Yoongis dick, that was now twitching inside of him. "Come on, cum for me," Yoongi breathed out, his eyes wondering around Hoseoks shaky form. His hand gave Hoseoks dick a few more strokes, his hips making sure to give him all of their strength when a loud scream finally escaped from Hoseoks mouth, his orgasm taking over his body. Yoongi followed right after that, both of them riding out their highs as their bodies lazily rubbed against each others. Their pace finally came back to the speed they were at the beginning, their foreheads resting against each other as they shared deep breaths together. When their movements finally came to an end the two of them stayed in the same position, their limbs tangled together. Yoongi leaned in to give a boy a slow tired kiss that was smoothly flowing on a huge wave of pleasure they had just experienced. Yoongis hands gripped Hoseok by the waist, lifting him up, moving up the sheets and placing the boy under them, his tired body lying down next to Hoseok as well. Yoongi let out a deep sigh into the pillow, his body moving closer to Hoseok and wrapping his arms around the boy, his head was now resting in the crook of Hoseoks neck. Hoseok leaned into Yoongis touch, his hand taking Yoongis hands in his, their fingers lazily locking together.

 Hoseok opened his eyes, a window was now in his hazy sight, beautifully lit buildings of the night were shining through the window. The two of them were now engulfed in a peaceful silence, their bodies close to each others. Hoseok listened to Yoongis soft breathing against his neck. Yoongi gave his neck a light peck before his breathing became slower and Hoseok could feel that the boy was fast asleep. He didn't want to sleep just yet. He wanted to enjoy this moment, this moment that ended a greatly meaningful night in his life. As he was about to fall asleep a thought came into his mind making him chuckle, his body lightly shaking in the process which made Yoongi squeeze him tighter in his arms.

Maybe he was wrong, life was really letting him have it his way just this once.

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[btsbabes7]

Imagine the BTS members giving you their phone number at a fan sign.

Your very first BTS concert and you got fan sign tickets, 

Jin:

Your bias Jin did so well during the concert. You could not wait to tell him that he did so well and that he is so handsome. You were next in line to talk with him, and as the person moved down Jin turned his head to you. He made eye contact while smiling big he said “Hello sweetie what is your name?” You shyly said “My name is (Y/N).” He smiled and said “so pretty”. You quickly said “Jin you are so talented, clever, and the sweetest member. I want you to know you are appreciated, and I fall asleep to your voice every night.” He smiled big and said “I am touched, but I have a question (Y/N)?” You said “Whats that Jin?” He reached across the table and grabbed your hand. “Would it be okay if you called me tonight and listen to me singing you the song personally?” He handed you his phone number and said “Don’t Lose this.”

Yoongi:

You watched Suga rap every line, keeping the others hyped up. You really thought it could not get any better then that. You remembered that you got to do the fan sign afterwards you almost cried. You see Yoongi shooting out finger hearts to everyone and his eyes stop on you. He sends you a finger heart and you catch it smiling, He keeps eyeing you the whole time. Finally you make it up to him and you hand him a kumamon bear. He smiles big, “I love it! thank you so much!” You reach for his hand and say “Min Yoongi you are so gifted, and I love that you work so hard, but please remember to rest and eat healthy.” He smiles at you and says “Thank you so much! It is great to have someone wake you up with a reminder to take care of yourself.” You say “Make sure you eat good tonight because you worked so hard today.” He held your hand tight and said “I will make you a deal. If you come with me after the fan sign to eat dinner I will make sure to eat good okay?” You stood there in shock, and he handed you a piece of paper with his number on it. You started pinching yourself because this felt like a dream. 

Namjoon:

Since you first heard of BTS, Namjoon has always been your bias. Watching him leading the boys makes your heart melt. You are next in line to meet him while holding a ryan bear. The girl in front of you moves, allowing you to move forward. Namjoon looks down and reaches out towards the bear. You hand it to him as he smiles big and thanks you. “I love this gift so much and the fact that the prettiest girl gave it to me makes me so happy!” You smile and start talking about anime with him, making him light up. He soon after says “How would you feel about having coffee tomorrow and continuing this conversation?” You stand there as you watch him write down his number and he hands it to you. “Please text me when you get home beautiful.”

Jhope:

You watch your bias do all of his dance moves on stage. You are in complete amazement that you are actually at the concert. After its over, you are in line for the fan sign. They start playing Mic Drop and some armys start singing but you know all the dance moves. You start doing every move on point until you look up and see Jhope and Jungkook  pointing at you and smiling. You blush and stop, being completely embarrassed. When you reach Jhope, he grabs your hands and says “Wow you are so good. Will you do that again for me please?” You reply “Only if you do it with me!” He gets up and comes around table. The music starts and you both are killing it. Everyone is watching you both until the song ends. He hugs you and says “You are amazing Jagi! We should meet up and go to a dance studio one day soon.” You say “You want to dance with me?” He answers “Yes. Here is my number. You should call me tomorrow. I will be in town for a few days, and we can go dance and have dinner.” You say very quickly “I would love to Hobi.”

JImin: 

You are front row at your first BTS concert! You really couldn’t believe it until the boys come out. You get overwhelmed and start scream and singing. You see your bias dancing and hitting his beautiful high notes. You scream out “I love you Jiminie!” He looks down and sends you a finger heart making it the best memory that you will ever have. You make your way up to Jimin at the fan sign table. Once you see him in front of you its like you cant breath. You feel like you are going to have a panic attack. He reaches out for your hand and says “Just breath jagi. Look at me in the eyes.” You look up at him, and you calm down as you see him sweetly stroking your hand. “Jimin, I want you to know that you are perfect. I see you work hard at everything, but please don’t over work yourself. Please think positive about your body, and remember it breaks my heart to hear you say bad things about yourself. So be happy!” He reaches up and touches your cheek, replying “You are so kind. I think everyone needs someone like you around. That made me feel so good.” He turns your hand over. On the inside of your hand he writes his number and smiles. “Text me later sweetie okay?” You nod and say “Later sweetie.”

Taehyung:

You worked for two years straight to be able to get tickets for your first BTS concert. You won fan sign tickets as well making you work hard so you could buy your bias, Tae, a box with a few very nice ties in it. As you get up to the table Tae says “Hello pretty girl! Finally we meet.” You smile up at him and say “Tae I brought you a present, but first I want to say I am so ready to see more of your amazing acting skills! I am a struggling actress, and you give me my motivation to keep trying. So thank you.” He holds your hand.  “Thank you for your kind words beautiful.” He opens the box and pulls out the ties that you bought for him and he is truly touched. “Wow! Best gift ever! Thank you! Thank you.” He kisses his hand and presses it on your cheek. He says “You will have a special place in my heart for this amazing gift so here is my gift to you.” He hands you a small piece of paper. You open it and its a phone number. “Now I can flirt with you all I want! Be safe on your way home.”

Jungkook:

You have waited for your chance to go to your first show and now you are here! You can’t contain your happiness as you watch the boys dance and sing. You are at the fan sign event after the show, and you came prepared with gifts for your bias, Jungkook. You tell yourself you will not be shy because this is a once in a lifetime chance to talk to him. You reach the table with your backpack of gifts. As you walk up, he starts singing “Did you see my bag? Did you see my bag?” Giggling, you open the bag and pull out a plush iron man and a iron man bluetooth speaker. He smiles big and says “Thank you! I love them.” He blushes, saying “These are all amazing. The fact you are wearing iron man shoes makes me happy too, but I have a gift for you. I hope you like it.” He takes out a pen and writes a number on paper. “This is my phone number. You should text me sometime, and we can talk about iron man and stuff.” He smiles big and winks at you. 

~Adminfoxy

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 2 | “GET ME OUT OF HERE ” - Devon

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which is uploading where i basically talked about dealing with being a winner/the tomb and having an idol/potentially wanting to go to tribal pre-swap/deliberately choosing the puzzle/how much i love jake so that'll come at some point after this but just KNOW that came first. anyway just wanted to talk MORE because i have more thoughts. last round i was really conscious of needing to micro-manage my threat level and i think im putting in work to do that? im very concious that i cant play the same game as montenegro because im coming into it from a very different perspective/position. However, one thing I can do this season is transfer my prejury game, because i think it still works. What I need to do is to some extent take a backseat, where I'm not actively messaging people first, and keeping game talk kinda limited (but acknowledging it when people talk to me). Like I have the safety cushion of my idol, and my connection to jake/jordan, and to some extent dan and lovelis? like im not gonna be a target (touch wood) and hopefully if i am my men tm going to keep an eye out for me.... hopefully? it also means im not gonna be pushy about votes im gonna hear names and run with it (as long as its not jake/jordan, or lovelis tbh i get real good vibes from him). but yeah id really love the beauty tribe to go to tribal this round ive literally never spoken to a single one of them so i'd love one of that tribe that is a complete unknown quantity to go home DJDKLFSF. but yis so im feeling good taking a backseat but im gonna ejector seat myself forwards at some point, just got to figure out when to push the button

Okay so Bodhi left last night and that was really sad. We had nice conversations but i told him that if the rest of the tribe wanted him out i wasn't going to campaign for him. He ended up making his rounds but at the end of the day, no one felt strongly about keeping him. He speaks so well that it took me a night's rest to get my head straight. Also Trace got an alliance together of himself, myself, Scott and Isaac. Bitch i was SHOOK! I am so glad to be likable enough to be brought into someone else's core. So this kind of perfectly positioned myself and Scott between 2 alliances. I believe we're both more loyal to the one we formed before we found out we were going to tribal, but who knows. I did tell Autumn of the news because i figure if we were to lose again. Whichever of Isaac of Trace remains is going to feel on bottom and blow up that Scott and I were two-timing the DADS. Btw that is the dumbest alliance name I have ever been a part of but whatever. The rat pack has also formed and now him and I are in a good spot. I will say that i am nervous that MISS ALYSSA spoke the comparison into existence, but i really hope we don't continue to flop like Luzon did on Cagayan. But hey! If Denise can go to every tribal council in one season and win, maybe i can too. (PS i pissed myself with my score in winterbells but also F*CK WINTERBELLS, thats all, ty) 

Honestly I’m really regretting not participating in this challenge because I feel like our scores are.......not great. I feel like I could have turned out the puzzle and even winterbells. The flag Lovelis made is super cute and i think will fair well bc it’s very clean and neat. It’s not super creative, but it’s definitely well made. I think even if we went to tribal I would be okay though. Liam seems like an easy enough boot for us. No one seems that dazzled by his contributions to the tribe. 

i literally am the biggest clown who ever clowned for continuing to overdo it in challenges, if i'm allowed to make it to merge at this point it will literally be a miracle.

So Bodhi left on a unanimous vote yesterday and I'm glad that it worked out as planned! I definitely felt bad lying to him about it all and stuff, but I think it was the best for the tribe going forward. What does suck however is that we lost AGAIN! And it was actually close this time! I'm actually annoyed that we lost this time because I submitted my challenge at 4PM and the reason why we lost was because the last submission was at 8 :/ like... y'all couldn't get it in any earlier? Plus I'm annoyed because I find myself in the swing position between the DADS and The Rat Pack. Personally I don't trust Trace after finding out he tried to play the Rat Pack off as my idea when it was really his all along. To me, it shows that he'd betray me later on down the line. And the only purpose for "The Rat Pack" is so they feel like they're in the majority. So since we lost, I don't mind voting out Trace. Duncan and I called to confirm that we're on the same page. We also found out that Devon is telling us the same things about loyalty and allegiances and I don't like that. He also told Duncan that he would throw immunities and play idols for him if he needed it, and that Duncan was his number 1 ally. But he said the same exact thing to me. So... that has me a little sketch. But I also think that Autumn/Duncan are a close pair, so I may need to stick close to Devon for the long hall. But if Autumn/Duncan think I'm more with them than Devon, I'll take it. I'm supposed to go on call with the Dads soon. Duncan wants to tell them about the rat alliance so that Isaac doesn't use it as motive to get us out. Which i agree that it'd be a good idea as long as devon/autumn stick with us. Duncan and I both feel like Devon might be thrown off since he always likes to be in control, but not actually being in charge. So we'll need to do damage control when that happens. But for now it seems like Trace is going unless things change. If things go how I would want it to, then Trace leaves tomorrow. 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JKqH3EQMlugIe-lwHMYMG2qoVZ7dvIzr/view?usp=sharing

Omg!!!!! Another win that makes me so happy . The tribe is all getting along great and I couldnt all for better ppl. I'm hoping soon to get some kind of solid group together. Kendell adam and amiry are ppl I def wanna work with long term at the time. Just gotta see what happens. 

Not much has been happening lately so I might be able to keep this short and not ramble on and on like i usually do (ill still end up writing a novel probably) yippy yay it's day 5 and everything is still all smiles and giggles over here because we've won yet another immunity!! kinda boring tbh but obviously im happy we won immunity because now that buys me one more day and at the end of it that's all i care about. I kinda did want the brauns to go to tribal however instead of the brains because i just really would like my beauties to get a nice foot hold and a lead in the game, i actually enjoy taking to some of these people, and im trying my best to talk to as many people as i can, which anyone who knows me knows isn't the easiest thing for me, i was reading some of my old confessionals from both my past games and the one thing i consistently got dragged for was not being as present with people, which granted i did improve a lot on last time around for sure, but i still got work to do and im realizing that more each day when i have no urge whatsoever to talk to anyone (don't worry, it's not you, it's (crippling depression) me! I understand socializing is part of the game and i do think my social game is my strongest asset but to me i like to think of my social game as a more distinct kind, im more elusive and i like to be that, if you leave them wanting more dahling they'll keep you around, i dont like to show all my cards, and that's a quality that i reflect in both survivor and life, and it has advantages and disadvantages in both but ANYWHO despite all that dare i say i think im still doing *decent* ? I'm making it a priority to reach out at least once a day to *most people (AJ, Augusto, Amir, Austin) are the ones ive probably had some of the best conversations with where it was the most natural and just flowed you know, and still is on day 5, and with kendall ive had some talks with her i do like her but idk i get this vibe she's kinda holding back when talking to me, and ESPECIALLY same with connor? we only had one private conversation and he gave me about a 3 word response, and if you havent guessed by now i like elaboration or at least a lil bit of personality when you talk, no shade just an observation, so that's a small red flag im very much a person who matches energy, one of my go to's in survivor is being open to the possibility of anything, ill always work with anyone who will work with me, and i think thats how everyone should play so hopefully the people ive been talking a lot to feel similar but i guess we'll have to wait until a vote of some sort to see about all that.. I still havent heard any idol talk or even game talk quite frankly so im guessing people are just still keeping the friendly facade up..... or ...... is it me?? am i the one on the outs looking like boo boo the fool or is that just my paranoia getting to me??? im not gonna send myself into a tizzy about getting voted out when we're not even going to tribal i- lemme calm down. If i had to guess I'd say Kendall, Connor, or Amir have the idol probably but sounds like a mystery for another day because im DONE im clocking out for the night until other people wanna wake up and play the game too oop final note: ok but it would be sick and twisted if it turns out they are all playing the game just without me and im the first boot of the tribe 

Waking up on this glorious Day 5 with a new perspective. I originally applied to be on the brains tribe and was shook when I got brawn because let’s face it, my arms are akin to overcooked spaghetti noodles. BUT my tribe is so much stronger than the brains. I’m hoping for a big name to go to shake things up. AND I’m not really looking to swap onto a tribe with Trace or Autumn due to our past game history. Love them both dearly, but it’s gonna be a no from me. 

okie so! update from me is i think im doing okay. like i think the benefit of no dua lipa cave is you can just build connections with everyone, you aren't voting someone out every round so why not capitalise on that? i'm so afraid of the fact that i'm overdoing it in challenges like i really need to calm. down. but im reassuring myself with the fact that in the first challenge i only was top because i did like... one more thing than others like its not thattt big of a deal? my puzzle time was clownery but hopefully people don't pay attention to it? im getting very anxious about overdoing it in challenges, but my thought process now is like. i need to act like people have an awareness of it, without getting kinda consumed by my anxiety about it? idk im hoping since most of these people don't know me, they wont notice me doing good in the challenge but truly who can be sure also am really just liking my tribe? like jake is ofc a king, i love jordan (who im gonna talk to later, he is the only one i feel like i have to talk to today), i also really like TJ who i was super harsh on at the start for no reason, i get good ally vibes from lovelis, liam m is super sweet even tho he is kinda inactive and dan is so fun (plus he told jake that he speaks to me one of the most so we love that!!). i've been trying to figure out what i even do about a lot of the super old school players that i have no connection/point of reference with? like people like scott, adam, kendall, aj i have truly no basis with? thats whats so scary about a swap, is at this point in the game i know 10/20 people left aka the brawn tribe + duncan/isaac/autumn, and like 10/20 isnt bad... BUT then the other 10 aka the beauty tribe + trace/scott/devon i have literally no connection to which is super scary JAKSDFA. im just real afraid of a swap. just swap me with jordan/jake/autumn/isaac PLEATHE. im just a pile of anxiety this season idk what to do im like frozen because of how scared i am... maybe it'll be all fine

Well, that was a close one. I struggled with that comp all day and I feel like absolute shit that I only got our team that 1 point. To me, it's inexcusable not to have be able to help my tribe as I wanted to contribute and make sure I made my worth known. So now I'm just this paranoid mess that I would have been in trouble had we gone to tribal. It's been hard to talk to some of these people or for most of those who I do talk to, I just don't really know where there head is at. I'm not sure if this is just a really guarded tribe, or if I really should be concerned. So I don't know what to do just yet. And that's not a feeling I like when playing TS.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty sad that Bodhi left the game like he was so active pre-season so I was expecting him to do his best to go super far and maybe he did? I don’t know, but I did want a chance to actually get to play with him in TS but we keep passing each other by! I hope he is doing good despite how he might feel being the first boot yknow but yeah <3 

The way I absolutely flopped with the idol system stuff is all types of funny and sad at the same time like I REALLY thought I did something only for it to be part of the challenge… That being said, Amir did tell me that he has a theory the idol system might be based on numbers which is interesting! I am super thankful he decided to tell me and we went on this long talk about how we are each other’s #1s which is super cute! I really do trust Amir and I do want to go far with him because he’s awesome but that being said, my #1 is me like I promised myself that I’d be selfish this time around just because being the selfless person I am hasn’t gotten me a win but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. We did go over a lot of stuff in terms of tribe dynamics and we both kinda agreed that AJ would be the first boot from the time if we went to tribal, we like our alliance with Kendall/Connor, we both like Adam and we both think Austin is sweet/genuine even if we don’t talk to him tons so yay for that too <3

I am SO trying to sell the fact that me and Kendall are a duo to Kendall which is funny to me idk hjfkds like she did approach me super early on about aligning but I do have the tiniest feeling she did that to mostly everyone but I’m trying to pin us with each other to her so she trusts me more, especially since I do feel as though she is the best connected on the tribe. I even called us Crystal Cox (me bc blazing speed and challenge flop ofc) and Ken(dell) ghfjdksl, I’m doing the most but yeah, I just want Kendall to see me as her #1 in the game on the off chance anything happens yknow?

Austin thinks I’m his #1 which is really sweet? I do like Austin even if it is hard to talk to him sometimes but hey, that happens. He told me that he’s really glad I’m on this tribe (which I have heard from basically everyone especially Adam and Amir which makes me feel cute omg) and that we might need to get a group going soon. I was like…. Tea but I also don’t know how quickly I want to get an alliance including Austin going just because it’s like… do I reveal that Austin and I are close-ish and be seen as a social threat? That just ain’t cute sis! But yeah, Austin told me he also really likes Kendall and Amir and that’s awesome that the two people I feel the closest to are ALSO doing THAT but at the same time, I want to be the one doing THAT the most because I’m greedy (by Ariana Grande) so it’s something to keep in mind! 

The way I absolutely flopped at that puzzle… this is why I’m a Beauty cause a sis ain’t smart to complete a puzzle and I’m not brawn-y enough to do well in a challenge hgjfdk BUT that being said, Hagthor beat the thots and apiss and I couldn’t be any happier! I do wish Brawn lost over Brain but yknow, you can’t have everything go your way (‘: it’s funny how I slayed the last challenge and flopped this one tho like a bitch really lacks consistency huh ghfjndmks

Ugh fineeeee since I've been called out... by myself. I guess I'll do the bare minimum. So we won immunity!!!! Wooo!!!!!! Low-key though through out the entire process of making the flag, I just kept thinking darn I wish we voted out someone last tribal because drawing 7 people is annoying... watch me get voted out next tribal council lol. That would be quality foreshadowing. Today I have two goals. 1. Figure out what the method of entering the tomb. I intend on getting in contact with Augusto or Connor for that one. Augusto because he is low-key my number one. Connor because I feel if anyone can solve it he probably could. 2. Set up group chat with me, Augusto, and Austin. So Austin can feel a false sense of reassurance and Augusto and I have options. Write more later maybe.

Honestly im feeling kind of trepidatious going forward which is a little wierd, i just dont feel like ive gotten my footing yet in this game. I think like, im in a good spot to be fine on this tribe because of my social game and how I contribute in challenges, but I dont know if I feel good about anything longterm just yet. What really is bothering me is the tomb. Its gonna be round 3 tonight and I haven't made any more progress on getting in than I have night one. I feel like I have a lot of pieces to this puzzle but nothing is fitting together and its bothering me. I'm also a little upset that if we lose, I could see Liam being the target and I can't see my self risking my position to save him if he cant save himself. He has my name on his wiki page its an obvious association to me, and while I think hed be loyal to me, I'm just wondering honestly if him as an ally is worth the target it may bring. Im cautiously moving through the beginning of this game with a lot of unnease and hopefully I find some steady ground soon.

I am annoyed that we are yet again at tribal. I played so fucking hard at winter bells but of course someone on another tribe got like 238593277 billion which threw us back into tribal... So annoying truthfully. But it's alright, I should be able to make it out alive. I want Devon to go home. But I also don't want to let my guard down. This vote is important for a few reasons. The first reason is that our tribe is very close, so I am nervous that lines are going to be drawn in the sand. The second is that, after this vote, we will be down to five, making 3 the majority. We have an alliance of 4, and lord knows that when you are down to 5, whoever feels like 3 and 4 of the alliance are most likely going to try and rope in the 5th person to get rid of each other. So my plan is to make Isaac and Scott BOTH feel as though they are my number 1s so that they actually stick to our alliance of 4 thinking that I will be keeping them both if we lose again. This is the only way that i can see it working, but idk. I feel bad if Devon ends up going because he's a nice guy, but we have to make choices about strengthening our team, and then I have to make a choice about strengthening my place in the game. Hopefully this doesn't come to bite me in the ass.

Things have been going pretty well for my tribe! We won the first immunity challenge and that really seemed to boost tribe morale. Granted, these past couple of days I've been quiet since I'm trying to boost grades that are literally 0s into something manageable before I graduate hehe. I've tried to keep up with people through small conversations, which seems to work better for me at the moment until I get myself together. Adam wants to create an alliance with Augusto and Amir, which I'm totally for. I understand, though, that he doesn't wanna do it immediately since there's really no urgency to? We didn't go to tribal, so why did it matter! That excuse aside, I do hope that us holding our breath to say something doesn't bite us in the ass because these are people I want to work with! I wanna get something going with Kendall as well hopefully, since I adore her! Earlier, I stated that Adam and I (Adam, really) found our way into the tomb and both flopped in the questions. Adam took another stab at it and found out we've been bamboozled! Someone beat us to the punch and has whatever contents were inside the tomb. I'm assuming it was an idol, but who knows what else is in there! It kinda made me lose motivation to keep searching inside but when in Rome? I'll probably end up trying again despite knowing the end result just because I wanna prove I can be a smart cookie as well. I also didn't gloss over this but I'll mention it really quickly, but I'm sad Bodhi went! He was one of the few people I was familiar with on the other tribes so it's unfortunate we aren't going to be able to connect with each other this game. A king has fallen. In lighter and more recents events, my tribe crushed the second immunity challenge. Kendall stunned with her artistry and I'm still gushing over how cute everyone's character was. I kinda like decimated Winterbells, but I've always been good at the game, and Amir did really well in the scavenger hunt. Augusto and Austin did really well in the puzzle also, despite their lack of confidence in offering a strong performance. We appear to be THEE tribe to beat honestly and I'm loving that. I love our tribe! I LOVE OUR TRIBE! It really would be a tragedy if we aren't able to keep up this win streak we're manifesting. 

Sorry for not writing this sooner! Been having a bad depressive episode for the last couple days and it makes me unmotivated to write c': I feel like a flop so far in this game, not because I submit shit scores, but because I find it exhausting to connect with some of these people. They're all very nice in their own special ways, but interacting w some is like pulling teeth, and I guarantee they feel the same about me, which I would expect. That being said, I hope we keep winning, cause I don't have the energy to go to tribal right now.

Heading into a second tribal council, there is becoming less and less room to hide. I am struggling to hold my own against the other tribes when it comes to competitions, but thank goodness it's a numbers game. If everything goes accordingly, I am taking a backseat this vote and allowing a 4-2 vote out when it comes to Trace. I appreciated Duncan coming to me with the alliance chat information with him/Scott/Trace/Isaac, but didn't like how Autumn needed to tell me first. Shows that I really can't trust Scott/Duncan after a swap comes up. In regards to Scott, he outright didn't say anything. I like him and all, but it was a slimy move to say the least. He only said something because he HAD to vote out someone in one of his two alliances. This group will be dumb as hell if they let me swap. I'll flip on them as soon as possible and invite anyone into my alliance. The tribe swap is where I made my 'Slithers' game infamous last time, so I'm hoping for a similar output. Don't forget: I swapped with the minority last time in Guyana (shout out to Jess), so I'm not worried about the numbers and how its split. ALL I NEED IS A SWAP OR TWIST. GET ME OUT OF HERE. 

Thank God we won that based on the tiebreaker, but yikes I didn't think my flag would've tanked so hard. Guess I've gotta get better at perfecting my craft huh, but at least we're safe. I feel nervous on this tribe to be honest, because I think I'm the second to bottom on the totem pole after the other Liam, so it isn't reassuring that if we lose twice I'll either be gone, or I could even be gone at our first tribal if he's got a solid alliance going...the only alliance I have right now is with Jordan and I don't really know where I sit with everyone else, but I'm afraid of overplaying... ugh so annoying! I think I just need to force a couple of game related conversations with people to build up some trust, just hope it wouldn't paint a target on my back for trying I guess...

oh gorl, some of these people on my tribe really think im just the clown of the tribe and cant put two and two together, well guess what, IM NOT. So Amir messages me, which nothing out of the ordinary there, ive been talking to him every day so far for the most part like i said we're a little familiar with each other from our pasts, but i was VERY surprised today at what had happened... what had happened was....he starts talking the smallest bit of game with me, basically he just said, "is it me or is everyone really quiet here?" and so i just agreed with him and i said yeah i dont think people are talking game yet which is a little weird, and then i threw the TINEST tea crumpet out there and i said "yeah ive talked to some people so easily like you, but then there's others who.....i cant say the same for" and i was absolutely hinting at connor/kendall just because i havent had the longest convos with them, which no biggie, but THEN about 20 minutes later i get a message from CONNOR of all people saying "hey adam!" ..... obviously im glad to talk to him and im all for getting to know everyone, but my instincts immediately went off and told me it's a little sus....how not even a few minutes ago i was saying how some people never talk to me and then out of no where the one person i was mainly talking about messages me?? Coincidences don't exist in survivor. Now I really have no choice but to think that amir in someway mentioned to connor that i said theres some people i havent talked to at all and that he probably needed to work on that.. which is true, but cmon. i know the tribe brain cell is missing but at least put a little thought into this and message me later tonight or not right after i say it?? I'm not sure if they have any type of past connection and while I definitely do wanna keep building my relationship with Amir, this will definitely make me question him a little bit at least until i see how some votes fall when we eventually go to tribal. Amir also told me he's had the most convos with Augusto, which is funny because thats exactly how both me and aj feel about augusto, which tells me augusto is really playing the game rn, and while thats someone i want to work with, it's also someone i need to be extremely careful with if we're still playing together down the road. plot twist: connor messaging me has absolutely nothing to do with amir and i just made this whole conspiracy for nothing but idk.... it's a conspiracy IM interested in.

***last add on because i forgot to say how the hell im gonna HANDLE this amir/connor situation... im keeping my eyes on it incase theyre in kahoots and also if they think im that dumb then clearly they havent watched me play before, which is great for me but bad for them, you cant trick a trickster try all you want, There's nothing I love more than being underestimated in survivor because it kinda makes it a little easier to play and gives me more options, so sure ill keep up my fake smiles and act like we're all fine and dandy, ill play dumb and wont even act like im onto them but i absolutely am and ill be ready to make my move the second it seems right 

Ugh I feel so DIRTY. I feel so GROSS. Poor Devon, truly. I spoke with Autumn and told her about Devon, and she was in without a fight and told me that it should be 5-1. And then Devon came to me and was like... we all good for the vote tonight? And I'm like ................yes? Lol. I'm good, you're probably not. ugh, this is the part of this game that I hate. I want to never lose immunity ever again, let someone else break someone else's heart!

Something about Kendall is so chaotic and terrifying and I can’t put a finger on why.her aligning was her talking to me for the first time in a day saying “let’s align” and created an alliance chat without even asking who else should be in it which leads me to believe her Augusto and Connor already have a trio and I was the 4th. Are all these focking people playing me?? Like i still cant tell if this is a real alliance but i want to believe it is and not a bluff to vote me out. But also like why even do that, the only person on this cast that I trust and have played with, bodhi, has just been voted out. I’m a free agent and I can help that alliance make it far in the game, but they also have lots of relationships on other tribes so like I might not even be that valuable to them. I mentioned to Augusto about the numbers on the blog, hoping to create more trust because I really really love him and want to trust him but I’m still just so damn unsure. if we lose this immunity and I get one bad signal from any of those 3, if they slip up even once, I won’t hesitate to align and gather the minority. But if they are playing me properly, then kudos to them! 

I am just happy i have the idol i am going to put it in my ass. 

me when the brains tribe only has 5 members left http://prntscr.com/s8y76g

You know what? https://66.media.tumblr.com/b7b4accba586ad321141b6ba80d69044/tumblr_omule3fwZC1w1swfno1_250.gifv I'm mad but I'm not tight because that same alliance that Duncan and I orchestrated is the same alliance that will get us through. So do I enjoy going to tribal? No. And do I enjoy knowing that Trace created an alliance w/ everyone except me and Devon? No. But the Dads will prevail and I trust Scott and the gang. I mean Ducnan is family so as long as we don't go it's fine. But Devon is my baby so absolutely gotta kill for him. That's what keep em close hahaha But no the Trace vote is a dream come true that I only crossed my mind once and STILL got manifested. Like Duncan suggested it and I said you got it because Trace will be the FIRST to rally all the white boys against me in a swap. Cute or not, Trace will kill me I'm convinced. Like something in my spirit told me not to trust Trace and low and behold: Duncan reveals that alliance to me on Day 3. So confirmed, Trace is leaving so that I don't fall to the bottom of the tribe. But it's all good- Isaac listens to Fleetwood Mac and watches Schitt's Creek so he's a good guy. And Scott is literally a cinammon roll who's too busy to snitch or flip. I don't have time to discuss how much I love Duncan or Devon so we're tabling that. Anyway If y'all need me I'll be doing this 4 part immunity challenge that determines whether I make Final 3 in the other org I'm in so try not to need me lmao

okay so... we aren't going to tribal but its still kinda messy on brawn beach. i kinda have felt this energy for a while, but i don't think jake and jordan have enough trust between the two of them for us to be a continual three person alliance. jake is a very reactive, gut-impulse kind of player which is honestly to his benefit since he is super perceptive. however that also means he is quick to be anxious about stuff in the game, which is the same as me and that is why we click. BUT. he thinks something is up with dan/jordan and honestly i see that and feel it. jordan keeps hinting at dan being the one to loop in and i think that does say something about them having some sort of game dynamic. however, jordan is maybe downplaying that relationship which is scary KLAF tbh i still like jordan and wanna work with him, but i do 100% have to keep tabs on him, his social connections could definitely become a problem if he has other priorities over me! so i think i just have to make sure im a continuing priority for him, so i have to find some sort of information to bring to him (maybe when dan proposes the alliance of me/jordan/jake/dan to me ill run to jordan and be like hey did dan suggest this to you how do you feel) to solidify that sort of trust? idk... i want my j-men to stick together and they ARENT. maybe i need to solidify stuff with TJ specifically more, he gives good ally vibes? but ya... its a mess tm

[thoughts-full-of-sand]

mess

Its been a mess for a while. A huge mess I've been trying to sort out for years, but the every time I get the feeling that I got close to untangling it, something happens and i realize a whole new part of that mess that i didn't see before. I won't write about how I got here because i can't be fucked. Right now I am dealing with knots i thought i figured out, some that i never could and a whole new knot that is intertwining with the first one. well actually all of my knots intertwine with the one i thought i got and i made me belive that once i solve it it will all untangle, which i still belive it will its just....a mess. lets start with the one i never got i guess. knot 1. The obligation. this knot has been there since i could remember. School, Uni (Unies), motivation, procrastination. Basically things my ADD directly impacts. Oddly enough, the intertwining knot i mentioned erlier helped me a lot in managing this one. I had to learn to siphon every once of will i have to work on it if i can't untangle it i will at least do my absolute best trying to do so, and i will untangle every small part i can or even force it open till i can have a way through even if its a tight one. That doesnt make dealing with it any easier though, just makes me put mire effort. With being at the end of a trimester, and the overwhelming fear that this is my last chance. If i fail again I am done. knot 2. The life goal. This is the important one. The one that got me trying again after i gave up. Its the love of my life. My life goal. My only real friend. The only one i truly loved. The only thing that made me experience true happiness. The only thing i was ever willing to fight for. The one i share every thing with, even this post I write knowing well i will share it with them even though i will not censor or coat any thing i need to get of my chest. Them being all those things made me feel like i found the thing that will make me happy, and all i gotta do is get them. live with them. go through it together, and how fortunate i am that they love me back, but ofcourse nothing is that easy. i met them at a time i was a total wreck, and because of living in denial of my horrible metal state I couldn't deal with their mental illness after we found out they have their own big knot to tangle. Enter BPD. The more i learn about it the scarier it gets. The more i ask the mire daunting it seems. "Dont bother" they told me. and for a dreaded may i listened for a bit. and that was the most painful thing i went through. As hard as it was for me I knew it was 10 times harder for them. the answer seemed simple after a bit, "as long as they seek treatment and i learn how to deal with it and support them we will have the life we want some day" I thought, honestly still makes perfect sense. the issue was saying that after i had already hurt them by listening to them, they took it in a bad way (along with a lot of other things, most of them rightfully so). Eventually i could not bare it anymore. I had to mend things and my only condition was treatment and i was promised that it would be the case once its available. Okay all good now, i will have to deal with it until they're ready and able to get treated. Welllll here is where i thought i got it. months and months after with my love for them growing by the day. after a lot of tough spots in our individual life, until a recent incident that happend in their life due to a very bad mental state led to them being taken away from my for a month. my mental health deteriorated horribly without them, and i had to not only endure the one person i care about being taken away, I also had to hide it from my family, maintain knot 1 as best i could and deal with my severe anxiety that sky rocketed from the lack of info. After they came back we were both at a new low when it came to mental fortitude. I had lost control over my anxiety, and they had lost control over their BPD. The thing with both those illnesses is that the worse you feel the worse they get. For them every thing gets either black or white when it reaches this point, and for me i always thought of the black. My mind would say "if they dont assure me then they dont love me as much" and knowing that its irrational i keep it in and keep keeping it in, until i break. When I break i ask for assurance, but their mind tells them if they need assurance then they can't see your efforts, and i end up making them upset. they seem to feel hurt. and i feel abandoned in my time of need. It got so bad for both of us that i decided to completely ignore my needs, but sadly ignoring your need for water doesn't make you any less thirsty. I eventually couldn't keep going this way. I needed to learn how to not need this and i have been trying since then and still am. i would spend every day working while i listen to books to help me understand what they go through and how to control my anxiety , and spending time with them. I saw their effort but they didnt think i did. I saw their pain but they didnt think i did. and i was doing every thing i can. The issue wasnet that i believed that there is no effort. The issue was that it wasnet the effort i needed. The effort i needed was the same sort they did. I needed their effort to understand their brain and control it as best they can, and i did every thing i could to hide my need for that. I decided to do my part in stead. I decided to work on understanding my brain and try to deal with it as best i could, because they had a lot more shit to deal and cope with. Only my effort wasnet enough, with how bad my mental state was I just couldn't control my anxiety as much as they needed me to. I needed their support, but i felt like i couldn't ask for it because it would mean that their efforts are not seen by me. and once i started breaking again, I decided that i have to express my need so both of us can talk and understand that we both need to work on the parts that hurt the other, so that we can over come them like we always do. Only to be surprised by them expressing that this is extremely hurtful to them, it seemed to me that they saw me as a selfish. I felt like i all the times i explained how hard it is for me was not heard. I felt guilty for how i made them feel. I felt upset because i felt like my needs and efforts were disregarded. I felt like i shouldnt feel upset because i understand how this would make perfect sense to them. As i try flusterlly to clear out all these misunderstandings and accusations i felt i was receiving, my heart stopped at its tracks when they ask for a break. all those feelings were x10ed. I felt guilty for making them feel this way to the point i wanted to hurt my self. I felt upset because i belived that my needs dont matter to them when they inconvenienc theirs to the point i wanted to punch the wall next me. I felt so bad for feeling upset because i still knew that this is just how their mind made sense of things to cope. And I filt so scared of losing them because they might believe all those things their mind is telling them that I wanted to kill my self before they leave me or before they kill themselves. Along with all these confusions and conflicting thought came a whole new knot. Knot 3. self respect. I never had self respect I never demanded my needs from any one. I only would manipulate them or make them sympathised with me to get them. I am a coward. I won't do that anymore. I have responsibilities that i need to respect and i have needs that i needs and rights that i need to enforce. that i need to That came to mind because of something i noticed. I felt from what they said that their needs and rights matter to them and that made perfect sense to me only i wanted us to meet half way since our needs conflict. I also intruprated some thing they said that my anxiety is ultimately my problem and its my responsibility and i need to deal with it. and both of those things i had no trouble with and made perfect sense to me. So why am i not applying that to me and their side. I should assert my rights and not ignore my needs. Also their BPD is ultimately their problem and they need to deal with it, just like i need to deal with my anxiety so it doesn't hurt the ones i love. I also believe firmly that the best way to go at it is to support and help each other achive those responsibilities. So i agreed to the break so i can work on my anxiety and i expressed that i want them to work on their BPD. but i didnt have the space to have a conversation so i believed i failed at explaining it properly. I was terrified of hoe they would react because i dont know what they might have intruprated what i said and if they take it in a bad way it could lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms, and i was worried at them. but i had to accept the situation as it was and move on. Well, my fear came true, i found out today that they had an OD since they'd turned to drugs to cope. I almost lost them. I almost lost the one thing i care about about. I almost had my biggest nightmare become a reiality. I am now more confused than ever, and i feel powerless. if i just mend things with no discussion and mutual agreement i will eventually start feeling the same way and hurt them again. If i stand my ground with no discussion they may keep interpreting my feeling and words the wrong way and feel even worse and get more reckless because of it. if i just dont talk about it and fix things i will go mad trying to figure out how to control my anxiety at the highest point it has ever been in my life. if i demand they talk i will be breaking our agreement for a break. if i beg they talk i will be going back to the way i always acted. if i take the easy way out i will have given up, and i dont give up aslong as there is any hope. all i can do is wait for them to see the big picture which i cant even expect them to do because i am not even having a chance to share my pov and express why i believe that this is what we need to do. i am tired. and i am stressed. I honestly just wish i could sleep a whole month off or better of die.