#i could probably guess but ill never know if it was or not
Text
the way theres so many polls i legit cannot answer bc i have memory problems
#zenith.txt#im not joking when i say i cannot remember large swaths of my life like im being 100% serious i Do Not Know#me saying i dont remember doing/saying/etc this isnt like a haha silly quirky minor thing im being serious i legit forgot#I WANNA TELL PEOPLE WHAT MY FIRST XYZ WAS BUT I CANT BC IDK#i could probably guess but ill never know if it was or not#and lowkey it kinda annoys me when i say i have memory problems and people dont take me seriously or say someshit#like oh well you remember xyz in great detail so youre lying you have an excellent memory#bc thats not how it works lmaooooooo#of course i remember in detail my special interests i soend 24/7 thinking about them and will go insane without#and even then i still forget a majority of things about my special interests and hyperfixations bc I HAVE MEMPRY PROBLEMS
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it
#i get suddenly hit with a tsunami of inspiration and an urgency to Make Something#but the urgency isn't about the process of making it's about I Have Stories To Present Too. I have to See Them Realized.#and that hit of urgency is obviously far too short lived to make anything. esp since it comes in a set with a feeling of 'wow this-#-thing was so great' that transforms into intensified perfectionism of No No What Im Doing Here Isnt Good. What Is This. Disgrace-#-to my idea AND to what inspired it AND to my self proclaimed status as an amateur storyteller#which turns into artblock. so like low chances that ill even get a singular good drawing made during this#and the multiple comic or script or whatever ideas that appear in my head during this are out of the question entirely#oh and all of this appears next to the normal feelings caused by a good story like attachment to the characters and having to process it-#-for a while and if its very good then even sometimes rarely i get the need to make fanart#so all of this combined just leads to me not being able to do anything for a while and feeling awful about it.#fun./sar#i wish i was a normal artist people here are so resilient and do stuff even though they dont want to or they DO want to#because idk they enjoy being pissed bcs of a thing not turning out right and they dont mind how tedious it can get-#-and they enjoy sacrificing hours&days&months of their lives without a guarantee that anyone will appreciate it accordingly and itll pay of#its probably the resilience though#im weak like a dried twig both mentally and physically#this sounds like i never enjoyed drawing&writing ever. and to clarify thats far from true. i frequently enjoy it#just never frequently enough and consistently enough to actually make something more 'worthwhile' or linear#it's like a wind that comes & goes that i have no control over.#i try to keep telling myself that in the past i struggled to make anything 'bigger'....& know i even made animatic shitposts#this sounds so stupid god. an animatic shitpost being an achievement.#its not an art skill achievement its a fighting tooth and nail with my own self to actually finish it because its a struggle almost every-#-time achievement#what im saying is im trying to tell myself that i already improved. im doing more than i could have done in the past.#even if the process is so slow and i dont know when ill advance again#if ill advance again. i just gotta believe i guess? thank u parappa
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
wheres the "why is it so saaaad" image with the cat with big sopping watering eyes ouauauuugh how I feel is the embodiment of that
#ow....... my heart 🥹#im not even really sad about anything specific its just been such a long week. and probably the comedown is enhancing it#i just want to cry snottily into someones shirt for like half an hour and maybe ill be okay#its just so haaaard. and i think the meds do help a bit but it still takes effort on my part too. and it sucks a ljttle bit that theyll-#take a while to get used to and maybe therell still be some side effects anyway. and also they could be stopped by shortages at any time#i guess it just scares me a bit the idea of depending on smth like medication just to get a little closer to being a functional human#i wish that came with existing already.. but no point lamenting abt it. the cards have been dealt and its not all that bad really#i just want to be happy.... not all the time but maybe a solid 60-70% of the time. if thats not too much. dont we all girl!!#ah my life is pretty good as it is though and i have a lot to be grateful for. but im allowed to want a little more... right 🥹#im going to go to beddddd. hopefully ill sleep better tonight and tomorrow will be a nice day. at least i dont have to work yayy#ahhh. also its my birthday soon and it always makes me sad coming up to and having a birthday i dont know why..#i dont mind getting older but i guess it makes me feel quite reflective and sometimes its hard to think about the past/future#i want to be able to celebrate birthdays and let people be nice to me and have fun about it! and i say every year ill try better at it#but i never manage to get there it always feels like too much to ask for and too much to take.. ah. well its okay really#ill make myself a cake and do smth fun. and have a good cry at some point but thats just part of the day#not for another few weeks anyway.. okay 10pm lights out zzzz#.diaries
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
guys should i make a during the events of EP amv or a post EP amv..
#i might start when i finish my p5 animation shitpost thing#but#this shits about to be the most niche thing ever#p2 EP and the world is a beautiful place. bro#the songs gonna be getting sodas btw#like. it really could go either way? but dude i will depress myself so much if i make it post EP#like. the line “youll wait” in the context of tatsuya back in the other side post EP is already making me so mentally ill#OR OR#“cant go back (..) where are the things you replace?”#because. he cant go back to the regular IS reality or the EP reality#and he'll never know what the fuck is going on with the EP reality either#and whats with EP tatsuya#ANYWAYYYYSSS knowing myself i will probably never start or finish this amv but. fun to think about i guess#sorry for being cringe on main#my post 🔮#laurence says things 🌌#persona 2#persona 2 eternal punishment
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
🦋
#so i got a message from my sister telling me something rather tragic had happened in our family#on my mom's side. one of my aunties passed away&my little sister let me know.#she also let me know that my mother is taking it really hard&shed probably really like to hear from me.#&its weird bc any sadness i felt about my aunty dying almost completely evaporated upon it becoming a way to guilt me#into talking to my mother-- like i was not almost dead for a long LONG time&she was actively disowning me bc i wasnt sick the right way#after a lifetime of refusing to believe i was sick AT ALL which directly lead to developing cancer she screamed at me in public#that i was lying about before pretending to drive off a cliff&then refusing to pick up her phone until she called me an hour later#after i had been calling not just her but anyone in our family who could possibly check on her to tell me that i never loved her#&i wouldnt have cared if she died&it would have been my fault.#so like. i dont really give a fuck if shes taking a death in the family poorly? like i dont actually fucking care that this-- like literally#everything else-- needs to center my mother's bad feelings. i just fucking dont lmao.#&im really fucking pissed off that i now have to feel like shit bc i dont feel like i properly feel bad#about my family member dying bc IT BECAME ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER IMMEDIATELY.#i do not fucking UNDERSTAND.#i cannot even put into words how this all makes me feel lmao. why. literally fucking why.#the cherry on top? my aunty died of gastric issues. you know. the family curse that i def didnt get so i got to work thru it all#while being called a liar. you know the type of illness that almost killed ME. that might STILL kill me.#but yeah my mom is sad so i should call&make sure to hold her hand like i always fucking did lets just forget an entire lifetime#&esp the last five years thatll be totally cool.#a tragedy happened in the family so fuck all MY tragedies actually i guess.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#ooouuuugghhhhhhh ive spend the last hour making myself sad :(#whyd i have to go catch feelings for someone who Could Not Give A Shit lol#its a blessing that im moving or i would probably just slowly kill myself for the next year#watching him Very Obviously like someone more than me lol#worst part is everyone knows im just some sadsack sidepiece#and like we were never 'together' so idk wtf im upset about!!!#i could go out and do just as much as he does!!!#but i guess i just wish it had been different and that i had gotten closer w everyone else before i had to leave :(#because now i really feel like i could have been spending way more time w everyone if i had stopped waiting for him to invite me to things#he never invited me to shit anyways!! i was ALWAYS the one to ask 'hey are you free sometime'#EVERY SINGLE TIME#killing him with hammers in my mind#i deserve so much better and i KNOW that but hes hot and smart and has such cool friends#and i just really wanted to be part of that group so badly#and i dont have any relationship expirience i dont know how all of this is supposed to Work i just#i dont know i guess i thought it would be different#anyways im seeing him again tomorrow for what might be the last time#and i wont tell him any of the things i should bc ill see his stupid beautiful face and forget everything i wanted to say#you know this mother fucker wont even help me move? more than an entire year together and he flat out says no to helping me#and i know for a Fact he'll never come visit me#and ill probably drive my stupid little ass down two+ hours just to see him#you know hes got at least two guys willing to drive hours just for him#i need to meet this other guy so we can unionize#cus i guarenteeeee hes probably treating this guy not much better than me#and i say probably the last time bc now itll be reliant on him actually making a fucking effort to see me lol#or itll just be at shows and stuff#not like itll make a big difference cus we onky saw each other once or twice a month ANYWAYS#actually makes me so angry why did i spend so much mental energy on this guy#ILL FIND SOMEONE IN ALBANY WHO ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKES ME JUST YOU GUYS WAIT#btw if i know you irl... ignore this... its shameful...
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I ought to have been doing so well money-wise this month but for that week and a half where I couldn't actually access my money except through PayPal I lost so much to DoorDash fees because that was the only way I was able to actually eat, since I wasn't able to go to the grocery store
#kinda mad about that but at least i had the money to burn on it ig#edit: also HUGE thanks to the person who tipped the $100 because that absolutely helped me be able to afford all that#im not sure im gonna have the money i wanted to spend on lotro for the black friday sales but it is what it is i guess#and as for my coat. this is like a $400 coat. i got lucky at a thrift store. i will never be able to replace it#unless i get lucky at a thrift store again#im hoping ill be able to mend it and get the rest of the winter out of it#its a clean tear at least#but its HUGE#and last time i tried to mend leather it didnt work. it just tore again#granted they were boots and probably under more pressure#but im still scared#also for the record i never use doordash to get groceries#the whole model of having someone who doesnt work at the store go in and wander around looking for a specific item for someone else#it just doesnt work. they can never find it because they dont know the store layout#and they dont know what i need it for or what im doing with it so they cant pick good subs#i did get sponges through doordash so i could wash my dishes and eat what food i do have#but they couldnt find the ones i actually ordered and had to sub them#predictably
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#i was supposed to spend the last 2 days prepping and relaxing for the start of this big project tomorrow#but ive spent thr last 2 days frantically coding as fast as i could and focusing v hard to get a lot of bullshit done#and ive fixed things since yesterday. the changes i had to make were too too bad bc the thing that went wrong was so fucking weird#but it should be okay by tomorrow. knock on wood. but this does mean ive done fuck all to prep for tomorrow#so we r winging it bby. ugh. just gotta fucking pray that everything goes ok. pls let nothing b broken and let everything seal properly 🙏#i was also supposed to meet with my boss today. probably for her to make sure i dont fuck up this project but apparently their safety hood#was having an emergency... whatever that means. so im sure shes having a week as well. and im free to fuck everything up for everyone#ugh. im so. theres a certain point in burning out where youre not really in pain anymore. you dont really feel anything all your joy and#hope dissolves away and u just exist to be useful. and i feel like its easier to maintain that than trying to b happy#i do not advise that bc its a fucking miserable. wasteful way to live but i dont really have time to try for anything better#god. i really hope my measurements friday dont take a full 8hrs. i dont know if i can handle that. literally i would have stay intensely#focused with my brain being Interrupted every 5min so i can manually record data points. its gonna b agony#so that fun. but maybe it wont. maybe itll be great and fun and ill have a wonderful time. seems unlikely but ya never kno#lets not think abt the fact that having to rush all this is preventing me from being able to do all thr other bullshit i need to get done#to prepare for the future. future? what future? hard to imagine from the bottom of this pit im digging myself#sigh. in a few months i can leave this place and never come back. soon but not soon enough#lol i was literally crying listening to cold play earlier bc idk thats the type of music my parents would put on at parties in summertime#so it evokes a v specific mood. which is i guess me hiding away from ppl at parties haha#back when i didnt have to worry abt things so much and i could just listen to the frogs chirping and watch the fireflies#oh god. now my boss is asking if i reached out for help tomorrow. no. lady i would rather drink bleach than have to direct an undergrad#tomorrow. its 10pm im fucking tired. just let me be sad. did i reach our for help? no my brain is on fire#tomorrow is gonna b a long day ugh#unrelated
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
I don't know how to say "my gender is something nonhuman and not able to be comprehended while adhering to our current society's standards of what men and women are supposed to be, never mind the fact that my preferred form is not a human body at all" without the other person being concerned...
#It goes beyond furry really i just don't feel like I'm human at all. I never really have#And i don't mean not a person although when I'm very depressed or the PTSD is hitting i get that too#I mean a non human person. But people either think I'm severely ill or joking when I say that and i unfortunately(?) am not#It's not even like I'm kin of a media species or person or whatever. I just don't see myself as human but i could draw it#I don't know how to put it into words. It sort of shapeshifts. But its core is the same#But either way when i look at myself in pictures or the mirror i don't recognize it as being me. I know it is logically but#It feels like I'm inhabiting a body that isn't mine. Like I'm in a costume or playing a game#Its kind of distressing sometimes but I've basically learned to live with the feeling. I probably will never own my body and idk#It's fine i guess. I don't know what it's like to be comfortable in your body or love it or whatever. I don't know if i ever will#And I've kind of given up hope on that changing. All i can do is pretend it doesn't bother me and keep going#Although i guess that's my outlook on.. everything lol#Whats the opposite of learned helplessness.. saying it's self reliance sounds too good.. it's more like learned lack of trust
7 notes
·
View notes
Note
in my heart sawashiro and arakawa have the same thing going on that minedai do but slightly to the left...like theres a visible difference and a different vibe but...its there yknow...less crazy but also more crazy because theyre older are you getting the vibe im laying down this is difficult to explain
no i get the vibe i got you. it's like minedai but with dads and less willingness to murder his boss out of grief
#snap chats#and they have a kid they both love see Minedai But With Dads yk#two kids if you want to include ichi but jo's more definitely like the stepdad ichi's dad married yk what i mean#like masato is very much Jo And Arakawa's Kid while ichi is Arakawa's Kid. which. yeah. yeah no shit#see thats the only thing with minedai they colud never have a kid cause mine would be the shittiest dad#its NOTHING but projection on the poor tyke and unfortunately daigo inversely has a soft spot for kids#lucky for me i dont mind if my pairings dont have kids. but its great if they have one in canon HAHA time to project the family i wanted#see arasawa is funnier because of the different vibes right let me explain#because mine generally is very upfront with how he feels so them coming to terms with their feelings mutually is more plausible#not OPEN about how he feels but he does tell daigo whats on his mind and all#and so thats why its easier to imagine them ACTUALLY being together esp knowing how daigo wants genuine bonds too#whereas jo like. locks everything away. like get phoenix wright on this dumbass there's a fucking barricade of locks#so its the funniest shit ever trying to imagine jo trying to invite arakawa places or vice versa#i guess it's a similar flavor though.. but different#cause mine'll be like Oh. Oh Ok and go and then he'll be like This Is Nice :) and forget whatever apprehension he had before#but i can only ever imagine jo just. ????? the entire time out whether its out to dinner or like an art show or something#like does he even know HOW to relax.. he's had more time for his mental illness to stew ok mine still had a chance#see thats the cute thing about arasawa tho Going By The Idea Of Jo Liking Art they could enjoy art together#im lit rambling sorry but yes tl;dr anon i get you 100% and its probably why i enjoy it so much
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
ummmmmmmm............ im not sure if i should cosplay madotsuki at närcon vinter or just reuse my muffet 😬
#i guess alternatively i could replace monster kid (pending cosplay) with mado but Im Not Sure#THING IS. OOOGH. I JUST LOVE COSPLAYING UNDERTALE SO MUCH.#of course having full facepaint 2 days at 1 con would be. oooooooooogh#but then again i used to do that all the time in my homestuck cosplay days lol............#GOD I JUST DONT KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck i wish tumblr had polls#ok so. pros and cons for mado vs muffet vs monster kid.#mado pros: warm cozy simple very easily recognizable shows off my love for japanese rpgmaker horror wont need much makeup overall#mado cons: hard to find good shoes wont be undertale might not get asked for many pictures will likely have to wear backpack#overall: 5 pros 4 cons#muffet pros: undertale very pretty fancy outfit has pockets looks really good if theres an undertale meetup ill slay so hard#muffet cons: facepaint annoying shoes hurt a LOT tedious preparation will have to wear armsocks all day#overall: 6 pros 4 + 1 cons on account of ive already worn it before#monster kid pros: comfy never cosplayed them before wont need much makeup warm probably short wig lil sis will be frisk with me#monster kid cons: will probably not be recognized at all sort of hard to construct will likely have to spend time on floor a lot no arms#overall: 6 pros 4 + 1 cons on account of So Hard To Recognize#so ummmm. i guess thats that. then.#another alternative is to switch toriel for muffet but keep mado and monster kid......... ARGGHHH I DONT KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!#hate this shit bro </3
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Currently reading The Raven Cycle series (on book 4) and Adam is so so against taking money from his friends that it makes me want to read a sugar daddy au with him. No sex needed, I just want to see Adam take some goddamn help and have to shut up about it.
#im just giving you this money because youre my friend and ill never want anything in exchange#is my privileged background showing? absolutely#the part of me that understands how money and pride are connected rivals aggressively against the part of me that just#wants people to make decisions purely based on logic instead of emotions#but also#emotions can be very logical#and arent inherently flawed#i just#look#adam wants to be a self made man and i know he could get there faster if he accepted help!#he doesnt want to be in debt to his friends#or lean on them in a way that is unfair#and thats very fair#i guess i just am aware#that his friends probably wouldnt hold it against them?#except maybe they would#idk#its an interesting conundrum#but at the end of the day#i would like to see this conundrum explored in a#sugar daddy au#that would be nice i think#just fucking make him accept the nice things and use excessive exposure therapy to help him heal his relationship with money#which also!!!!#just saying!!!!#would probably work great for him because it would be an explicitly transactional relationship!!#there would be no lie of#instead it would be so clear and contractually laid out#that adam would be receiving the money in exchange for something
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Somehow, I feel like Naruto memes are better when you've never actually watched Naruto?
Which is nice because, to me, anything with over a hundred episodes is kind of a big commitment for the sake of memes.
#naruto#Anyways I hope pink-hair girl successfully murders every male character in the series or whatever ✌️#i could see a 100% unironic naruto post and still b like 'haha what a funny meme!'#im happier like this#probably#oh i also hope dark hair angst boi and naruto kiss#p sure they wont but GUESS ILL NEVER KNOW#take THAT straight agenda
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
the words "this one's more challenging" are my kryptonite. if you say something is harder to do then I will do it without thinking. all choice and autonomy out the window. that book is more difficult to analyze? well now that's the one I'm writing my essay about. that paint by numbers is more detailed and harder to do? well now it's the obvious choice. that language is the trickiest to learn? guess who's getting out duolingo to fuck around and find out. it's me. I can't resist a challenge I gotta go for the hardest option gotta do it
#quil lore#shitpost#today my teacher gave out a list of books. we need to pick one to be our choice for a project later in the semester#the list has a challenging section. for more difficult books. you're never going to guess which section I'm going to be picking from#listen okay. I gotta. I gotta be the best at everything gotta go for the top#I'm a not-quite-burnt-out-but-definitely-messed-up former gifted kid I know nothing else#look okay it's not like I'm reaching out of my capabilities#the challenging list is probably a good fit for me#it's just that every time someone says something will be harder I go 'oh that's the one I should do then' like. it's instinct at this point#no thought of i could just do the easier thing!#no thoughts only challenge#i may be mentally ill
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
itd be so cool if the shitty people in my life were not shitty and were actually slightly decent
#the bin#:/ i wanna stop feeling horrible abt shit with my sister but it makes me so angry and upset ALL the time#im so fucked up abt this. how could i not be. i guess. hhhhh. i dont know what to do. it sucks so much.#its so hard to deal with the aftermath of a deeply abusive relationship in general. and when you cant talk to anyone about it or tell#anyone who knows that person. and you have to continue to be nice or at least civil with them. probably forever.#that SUUUUCKS. she is so awful. shes always been awful. i want to heal from that experience but i feel like im still stuck#probably mostly because im literally physically stuck 1000 miles away from everyone else i know in a place where shes the only person i know#but even after that i think ill still feel so stuck. theres a lot of things she has that i really need to get from her before i do anything#that might make her mad at me. i want to delete our stupid chat full of uncomfortable shit vut thats gonna piss her off#she has a lot of pictures of me from when i was younger and those are pretty much the only pictures of me from then#i can barely even remember those years. id like to get those if i can. also i wanna see if i can convince her to delete all the weird videos#she took of me without my consent while i was having psychotic episodes bc like. what the fuck. AND i know she literally just shows them#to her friends and laughs at them bc shes told me she does. which is very upsetting. and if i can get her to delete them id feek so much#better and not be upset over that all the time#i just cant get iver how much she fucking sucks. she does so much fucked up shit and its so awful. why would she ever think its ok ti record#me when im not in a good headspace. without telling me. and then upload it to her snapchat also without telling me#i only found out about her doing that originally because she decided to show me some of the funny things people said about me on the#video i didnt even know existed and had no memory of what happened. she loves to claim shes so chill and nice and good about mental#illness and she understands it so much and would never ever do anything weird and ableist like that. and then does that.#i feel so much worse abiut myslef and all the behaviors i have caused by my myriad of mental shit specifically because of her#ugh i am so not looking forward to being in a car with her for 20 hours when i move. but thats how it has to be.
0 notes
Text
actually the fact that i don't know how to loop videos is such an asset because there is one clip of a screen recording that if I could just put on loop and listen to while actually using my phone, I would never stop listening to it
#it's the end of gerard singing loser geek whatever btw#the way he sings the last ever scratches so many itches I didn't know I had#look ive said it before ill say it again#i love all the jeremys equally#but theres just something about gerard as jeremy that lives embedded in my soul#also the recording was posted on my birthday and the person screaming in the video kinda sounds like it could be me#making me think that in an alternate universe I was at the show and made the recording#you've probably already guessed but#sara's intoxicated musings#about me#personal#please no one ever teach me how to loop the videos on my phone#i truly never want to know#i want everyone to know peace because otherwise I would be talking about it non stop every day#like id be explaining it to my friends who don't know about it#and screeching to my friends who are deeply intimate with my knowledge of bmc and my love for gerard#fuck now i want a loser geek or whatever tattoo to go with my pac man one#update: i've talked myself out of it#sara's late night musings
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
safety-bot
Sock enthusiast
seaweedpad
PearBlossomWine
softwareworldplatform
SoftwareWorld
espionline
IELTS Coaching | Study Abroad Consultants
irrealmadrid
madridista (derogatory)