#i couldnt sleep until 5 am last night ? i wasnt even using my phone or anything i just .

[wriochilde]

wow . um

[pbandjesse]

I feel like today was a lost day but I know it actually wasnt. It just felt like a weird day. And I just had a guy I used to work with at ships come on my facebook and make me upset. But I unfriended him so whatever. He's just the type to like. Keep going. Like Im half expecting an email from him. Lets home not. 

I slept okay last night. And I woke up around 9 feeling okay. I just laid in bed for a long time playing on my phone. But eventually I did get up and I did make the bed and I did go get a shower and washed my hair. Made me feel a lot better about myself.

I sat with James and he read and then went to go do laundry. Somehow he fills our entire laundry and I have like 4 things in there. I dont understand how he makes so much laundry but he is working in a kitchen so it makes some sense. 

We had a nice morning. I had some of the leftover pizza. But I was unsettled. I changed my outfit like 5 times. I just couldnt get comfortable. James called the bike shop and my bike was ready to pick up. So it was decided we would walk there and then go to the BMA because they had a bunch of goats eating the overgrown hill. A program they have called "Goats on the Slope" incredible. 

It was chilly today. Like surprisingly so. I knew it was going to be a little rainy so I brought a raincoat but I ended up wearing it because I was cold more than anything. But it was a nice walk.

We ran into Mr Will and he said he's going to come by tomorrow to check out a weird thing in our bathroom closet. It wasnt to bad of a walk. I thought we had to go a differnt way but James showed me a secret staircase and we were there quickly. 

We waited outside, as no one is allowed in the shop. There were two other people there. The one got his son's bike quickly. The other was a woman and they came out and said they had bad news, they had realized one of the spokes on her bike wasnt fixed correctly. And she was like oh thank god I thought you were going to say you threw my bike away. That made me laugh. 

My bike was ready though! I havent ridden my bike since basically feburary. So I was a little nervous about my stamina but it ended up being fine. Well not as bad as it could have been.

We left and biked up to the museum. I had to stop once because my breaks were rubbing and I was like fighting my bike. But we sorted it out and that was fine. I did scream at a driver who decided it didnt matter that I had a green light. But soon enough we made it to the park. 

I was very out of breath though. I was overheated and shaking. I was uncomfortable. I had to sit down. 

James took our bikes and I went and sat on the stairs for a few minutes and drank some water. But man. I was uncomfortable. It was scary hyperventilating like that. I do not do well with hills. 

But once I was calmed down We walked over to see the goats. They were very cute. I hope to go back before they leave and I hope they are all eating the brush and having a great time. Only 2 goats were out of their little trailer. But I was glad we still went. 

James still had an hour until he had to be at work. I asked to go down to the bottom of the hill, I wanted to see how much brush the goats needed to eat. And so we did that. We got in a little argument about our ballots. Because I feel overwhelmed by it and I have asked for help but he just keeps telling me to fill it out and that isnt helpful! But finally I just said that this conversation was not helpful and we would table it. I didnt want to be upset. 

We sat on a wall and I enjoyed looking at the park. We talked for a while. And James said we had time to walk him to work if we left then. He would even have time to get a sandwich and a coffee. So off we went. 

It was a nice walk. Long but wasnt bad. I like that part of town. It is amazing to me how different the different neighborhoods are here. Its super redlined and generationally influenced. And Hopkins is a huge influence on the neighborhoods they occupy. And there is a lot of nature is that part of town. 

It was a nice walk. And soon we were in Hampden. I held our bikes while he went in Royal Farms and I people watched for a while. I thought about going to get a thai tea but the idea of going inside a cafe didnt feel good. I dont know why. Maybe next time. 

I said goodbye to James once we got to the restaurant. And off I went. I was happy to bike. I had a podcast. I was in a good mood. 

I followed the jones falls trail and its such a nice little path by the water. It reminds me of penny pack. I ended up parking my bike w Ihen I saw this bridge (James called it Hippy bridge when I texted him about it) that the fence was tore down on and was covered in graffiti. I climbed down the hill and sat on it high above the water. It was neat.  I hope I can get myself to go on more adventures like that. 

I took my time getting home. I stopped at a bench before a big hill. Took my time. Got home in one piece. 

I took a break when I got back here. I was overheated from the biking. But once I cooled down I felt a lot better. I chilled for a while. Laid with sweetP and read. But eventually I decided I wanted to go for a drive. 

I saw hi to Kimberly in the hall. And then drove out to Target. Lots of terrible drivers. It was rush hour I guess but people were just so mad they had to wait and kept trying to go around people? Obnoxious. I just enjoyed the drive. 

I went to target. Enjoyed wandering around. Picked up a few things. Got poptarts that are cinnamon pretzel flavored. So fancy. 

After I finished there I went to the art store to buy spray paint. To paint my bike. But I knew that was going to be a production. 

I had five guys. It was fine. But I have had five guys way to often lately. So I think I will be taking a break from that. But I sat in the car and ate and watched the sun set. Saw someone throw a cup out of their window. Terrible trashy behavior. I hate people who litter. Especially from their car. You are going to go somewhere with a trash can!! What is wrong with you!!!

I headed home after that. And then the sun was down and I was like. Very Unmotivated. But then someone upset me on facebook so to distract myself I started stripping the paint off my bike. 

This took forever. And honestly I could do more. But I worked on it for 2 hours. I used a blade and there are so many layers. My bike is so fat. But it was fun doing the work. I hope to paint it tomorrow but I think its going to have weird lumps. Well see how it goes. 

I have been hanging out since I finished cleaning up all the paint and trash. I just washed my face and had one of those poptarts. I think I am going to drink water and wait for James. I am very much ready for sleep. 

I hope you all have a good rest of the night. Take care of yourselves. Goodngiht. 

[theforce]

presumptive horrible rotten case of corona: symptoms

presumptive bc i couldnt get a god damn test i live in new york and while there are testing sites all over the state and our state govt is doing what they can now, i don’t want to be the person taking away a test from someone else especially now that i am mostly better, most of this went down at the beginning of the month and i’m still dealing with the effects of it. 

there was a lot of confusion here even as recent as 2 weeks and we are the state that’s testing more than the rest of the entire country so here is my account of what went down w me, and honestly, what might go down with you or someone you know as soon as this reaches your state

1) i threw up all night long, thought it was a stomach virus, had a lot of stomach issues for like 24 hours, very strange i haven’t had a stomach virus in YEARS since i was a literal child, anyways right before i started puking up my life i developed this weird cough, it felt like it was from my throat, like i was trying to clear it? but it was often and annoying 

2) after my 24 hours of hell i felt feverish and exhausted but i chalked it up to being on the floor of the bathroom all night, exerting my esophagus and body to throw up the devil himself, i tried to sleep it off, i woke up a few hours later in a fog, i was shivering but i was also burning up, i couldn’t tell left from right, up from down, my fever was 100.3, at this point i had my mom call my doctor and make an appointment, she made it for me w the receptionist, everything was fine until 20 minutes later i got a call back from my actual doctor not the receptionist who was like, oh no not you’re not coming here with those symptoms baby and i was like ?? ok cool thanks, she said to keep watching my symptoms, slam some tylenol and if i felt shortness of breath to call or text her personal cell phone and she would get me set up at the nearest hospital i said ok sounds fucked up i mean i didn’t say that bc i was too fucked up to even speak, she also gave my mom instructions to keep me in my room, to not go near me, to give me a designated bathroom, to have food and water delivered to my door, my mom was like u dont gotta tell me twice (she has lupus) during this time my cough become dry and horrible, i could feel my lungs rattle, i would cough so hard and for so long i’d wake from my feverish coma to kneel over my bed and just let loose on the world, it felt like i was drowning, i couldn’t get enough air everything hurt, everything was sore 

3) things continued on like this for 5 straight days, i was literally in and out of consciousness, my fever got up to 102 and my mom said that if it raised at all from there we were going to the fuckin hospital and i was like listen la rona i know u wanna take me out but i havent even ever eaten a krispy kreme donut, please let me survive this i can’t leave this way, in that moment i literally had a fever dream of god herself, i said take this from me and i’ll stop being such a cunt in life. i started slamming hot toddy’s, i’d drink as much water as possible in between the time i wasnt literally trying to expel my lungs by way of my mouth

4) woke up from that whole ordeal drenched in SWEAT from my feet to my head i was soaked, it was gross, at that point i still had a sense of smell so let me tell you my last and final symptom should have kicked in a bit earlier but i checked my temp and it was normal! i didn’t feel like my head was going to explode! but i had new things going on i had a new stuffy/runny nose, my cough was producing some liquid which i proceeded to throw up into a mcdonalds cup i took a shower, i brushed my teeth, i felt like a brand new woman, i had cold like symptoms but i can live with cold like symptoms, i had an appetite for the first time in a week, felt like i could eat my whole family out of house and home given the opportunity, i’d lost 20 pounds in less than 2 weeks and ya girl was honestly, looking good but THAT’S A BAD WAY OF THINKING disregard please thank you, at this point i went into my doctor with a full on mask, gloves, hair pulled back, she gave me every test you can think of, most importantly a flu test which is all she could do since getting a test was impossible at this pint, which of course came back negative 

5) things continued like this for weeks, up until right now actually, exhaustion was gone, fever gone, cough still here and there but not like how it was, i’ve put on makeup in my room, i’ve watched every season of law and order svu, i’ve gone on drives in my car just to drive, i’ve tried to keep myself as busy as possible, 3 days ago the strangest, most inexplicable and hopefully last symptom arrived, a complete loss of smell and bc of that taste, i’ve tried smelling candles, essential oils, laundry detergent, canned meat, my brother lit a match with my back turned and asked me what the smell was, i ate extra hot cheetos, raw onions, shot of vinegar, there’s nothing there, i just hope it comes back 

during this time i haven’t been even close to my mother, who has lupus or my sister, who has asthma, i stayed in my room, i’m still in my room actually 14 full days out from the last time i left the house, one month since this whole thing started, i eat in my room, i use a different bathroom than my whole family, everyone talks to me from my door frame besides my little brother who also was sick but recovered super fast, he bleaches the bathroom after i use it, he puts all my food on single use plates, he brings me jugs of water and reminds me of what it’s like to at least talk to another person. 

on a more serious note, i haven’t touched another person in 20 days nobody has even been within 6 feet of me besides my doctor who was administering the only tests she could administer, fully decked out in a hazmat suit, she was scared for me, i could tell, she was trying to put on a brave face and downplay the severity of my symptoms but thank god for her, she’s checked up on me, she’s tried everything, she’s put in calls, she’s made herself as available as possible even though she’s probably going through the same thing with countless other patients, i worry for her, i’ve worried for my family, i’ve stressed beyond the point of no return which has for sure slowed my recovery and i was one of the lucky ones! all of this and my case was considered mild because i never really had trouble breathing beyond being choked by my own coughing. 

people have been there for me during all of this, in ways that are further reaching than touch, i have been very vocal about not liking when people touch me but i do look forward to the day i can hug my mom, where i can tell my friend to take a sip of my drink to see if she likes it, to have someone pat me on the shoulder and tell me to keep my head up or whatever 

hopefully im on the other side of this, my more at risk family members are about to be 14 days from the last time any of them were near me or my brother, they’re at the end of a long tunnel and i’m just so happy that maybe soon we’ll all see the light 

take care of yourselves

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

When i was 13, i found out that men can and do become women. That there was a word for the way i felt inside: transgender. All i had to do in order to be who i am is reach out to the right people, seek help and support.

However, it isnt always so easy. Our world judges people like us in alot of scenarios, and for a kid who just wanted to live her best little life that was a scary concept. So i hid it, i did well until i was 15 and 16. My dad and my stepmom went through my room, twice. On both occasions they found womens clothing, which i would quite often wear to bed cause i felt so soothed by the soft fabric. I had leggings, and panties, and a sports bra, and a white tank top the first time. Even back then i always loved the way leggings hugged my lower half, and how relaxing and comfortable sleep was in them. Back then it was a source of comfort, i "dressed up" in order to cull the anxiety i had from putting on this mask every day. It was killing me.

I made fun of, i bullied my own kind, i bullied the LGBTQ community as a whole. I did it because i wanted to distance myself from my own identity, and cause i was jealous of other trans women who were already in their transitions and living their best lives!! I became a homophobic, misogynistic asshole to just get away from it, and to make sure nobody would ever expect it. I hate that period of my life, i look back on it in deep shame.

But then one day i moved into a place that i would eventually feel safe in. I was 18 now, and just starting to really get worn down by drugs and mental illness. But i turned around there, and i got really close to the staff at this group home. They supported me like my parents would, even though they were a different nationality and spoke bad english i felt closer to the group home workers than almost anyone else. They talked me down when i was mad or crying. They helped me get further in life. I had thoughts of coming out one day, and how i could probably do it both in vancouver and in this house. I had thoughts of how it would go. Who to tell first, it raged in my head for a couple weeks. But one day i was with my therapist, we were driving around and i had just gotten a cheddar bacon angus burger from mcdonalds with a vanilla bean frappuccino to drink. But before i could eat, my stomach wouldnt let me go on without telling my therapist whats really going on.

"I dont know how to say this ashley, but its been on my mind since i was 13 and ive planned out the whole process in my head already! Im fucking trans, im a woman, i want to be a girl and im tired of putting on this rough and tough mask just to try and fit in and be a man!! Im tired of rough, i want soft!! I want to have boobs!! I want to have nice long legs with thick hips! I want to see the sparkle come back to my eyes! I want to see my smile have happyness behind it, and not nothing, im tired of faking it!! Im scared, i could never do this around my dad, or in kelowna!! But ive got a fresh start in this city, and i know i can do it with the supports i have!! Everything i did was to please someone else, and i tried to be the best man i could to hide it.. im not a man though, im a happy, beautiful girl and im tired of hiding her!!"

That was 2017, in the spring. I was a drug addict back then, and i lived full time as a girl for 3 whole months!! Although i was so happy, and felt so comfortable in my skin i couldnt handle it once i lost my supports on top of my addiction.

On september 14th 2017, i buried Jenna for a while. I felt so horrible, even rhough i knew it was temporary i didnt know how temporary it would be. I was scared to be a boy now, and i felt even more dysphoric full well knowing the result of transitioning and the improvements to my mental health. Burying jenna was burying who i am. It couldn't last long, and once i got sober on december 15th 2018, and got myself into a safe space again in march. By late april i couldnt hold jenna inside me anymore, she needed out, jenna needed to bloom and grow big and strong!! I came out a second time to my mother and my grandmother who were both as accepting as two people who know no trans people aside from me can be. It went well, i told them it was time for me to resume my transition.

They were there for me when i reached out to Skipping stone, and got hooked up with a gender therapist. By august i had a date for when i would start hormones, october 9th 2019. On october 9th i was tense, i just wanted it to go right. I even had a little freakout in my appointment at my phone. But, after driving an hour and half each way, i walked out of my doctors office still in boy mode, but with a script for cyproterone and estradiol!! I started that night!!

When i started hrt, i was a different person in two weeks, i wasnt jayden, i was jenna. I acted way more feminine, my skin got softer, my erogenous zones changed, my voice got higher, my testicles shrunk. The feminization process had begun! I had emotional breaks here and there, and it hasnt been easy all the time. But my bad days today are still better than my best days when i was playing a character, acting as jayden. Today when i get sad, i put on something cute, and i take some cute pics and i look at them. I love it when i can honestly say, i love the way im changing. How my face lost the wrinkles of 5 years of bad habits in two months!! How my breasts are here and so so sensitive, i feel them moving on my chest and theyre like little stress sacks there for me to squeeze and hold when im feeling down!! I love the feeling of weight on my chest, and the jiggle when i walk or hit bumps on my bike! My medical transition so far is destroying any bit of my dysphoria!

I think trans is beautiful, because theres something just so positive, so god damn enlightening and beautiful. About one mans journey to woman. My body is changing, its curves being accentuated, its features becoming more noticeable by the day. I feel so much joy when i see a change, when i notice my body looks feminine. Or when i get compliments, like "my god youve got legs for days!!" It makes me know for a fact i chose right, cause im a beautiful girl, going through this beautiful process with beautiful changes.

Jenna jayde is a girl, i wasnt born a girl, but i make a better girl than i ever could have a boy. Wearing clothes that make me happy, and feel hugged all over from the soft tight fabric. Feeling emotions i never thought existed after a while on hrt!

Its so beautiful, like a sunflower swaying slightly in the summer breeze!

Life is better now, its worth standing up and fighting for.

Woot woot!! Its trans positivity jenna!! Woot woot!!

[crownedbyluke]

Long Road Ahead (Chapter One)

Estelle Finley has been friends with Ashton Irwin and Luke Hemmings for three years. When the boys bring her along on a jam-packed road trip to Cape Cod with the rest of the band, their adventures are just beginning. Through long hours driving, exploring cities, and hidden secrets, something more is bound to happen on this journey. How will this road trip change Estelle’s friendship with the friends she’s come to love so dearly?

Word Count: 3,480

Masterlist.

Luke’s blue eyes and Ashton’s hazel eyes were staring at me. I was used to their weird looks, but there was something in them I hadn’t seen before.

“Whatever it is, you might as well tell me before your eyes burst out of your heads,” I said while walking over to my desk.

“What are you talking about?” Ashton asked, a hitch in his voice giving him away.

“You both are staring at me, which usually means you have to tell me something. So come on,” I said, looking through some of the papers that were out.

“I told you she’d know,” Luke said making me laugh.

“Ugh fine. Estelle, stop being in teacher mode” Ashton teased making me laugh more.

I raised my hands up in surrender before turning to face them. I met Luke’s eyes and a shiver ran through me. I should have been used to it, but no matter how many times it happened in the three years we’ve been friends, it still took me by surprise.

“We’re going on a road trip and you’re coming with us,” Ashton said taking my eyes off of Luke.

“What? No I’m not,” I said shaking my head.

“Yes you are. You’re coming with us, Mikey, Cal, and Crystal. Oh, and you should really start packing because we leave tomorrow at six in the morning,” Luke said, an unexpected confidence in his tone..

“What? No, you two are kidding,” I argued, not believing them for a second.

They loved playing pranks on me and if this was their latest one, I had every intention of making them regret it.

“We aren’t. Completely serious. No pranks and no jokes,” Ashton said, his eyes lit up.

“For how long?” I asked, turning back to look at my calendar.

As much as I wanted to agree and let them sweep me away, I had lesson plans to prepare.

“Well, it’ll take us fourteen days to get there and then we’ll be at our final destination for three weeks,” Ashton said, moving his fingers as if he was counting midair.

“Es, we’ll get you back in time to prep for school. I promise,” Luke reassured, his hands coming to rest on my shoulders.

There was a calm that came over me with his touch. It made it impossible to not give into them.

“And what am I supposed to pack?” I asked, tilting my head back to look at Luke.

The smile that lit up his face met those ocean eyes and I was sold on whatever we were doing.

“Lots of summer clothes, some swimsuits, but also a couple things that are warmer for nights,” Luke said quietly, his fingers squeezing my shoulders.

“Well if I know where we’re going, I could pack properly,” I said, wiggling my eyebrows at him.

“Nope. That’s a secret. Now, remember what Luke said, but put some nicer clothes in there too,” Ashton said, giving me his thousand watt smile.

I rolled my eyes at him before looking back up at Luke. There was something in his eyes that made me melt into his touch even more.

“Get to packing little dove. We’ll see you bright and early tomorrow,” he said, giving my shoulders another squeeze.

The blush came across my body from the pet name. It didn’t matter how many times he called me that, it still caused the same reaction. Ashton came over and gave me a quick hug. It felt like I was still in a trance when I heard them close my apartment door.

“Shit,” I mumbled before going to my hall closet door.

I pulled out my biggest suitcase and dragged it to my bedroom. The sound of my closet doors echoed against the walls. My wardrobe was still being transitioned to summer, but I had most of what I would need or at least, I hoped. My eyes wandered over the clothes before I pulled out my phone.

E: Crys, what the hell am I supposed to pack?

My fingers ghosted over my favorite white top, fond memories coming to mind. My phone buzzed in my pocket.

C: Plenty of shorts, tees and tanks, at least three swimsuits, some sundresses, some skirts, coverups, sneakers, sandals, and like one hoodie/sweater.

E: Oh my god. I’m guessing you won’t tell me where we’re going either?

C: Nope. Under strict instructions not to.

E: Damn it. Okay. I guess I’ll get packing then.

I sighed before tossing my phone onto my bed. I took the top I had been touching off the hanger and gently placed it on my shoulder.

“Only like forty more to go,” I said, my hands falling to my hips before getting started.

                                                         ➢➢➢

The blaring sound of my alarm woke me from the peaceful slumber I was in. I hit the button and checked the time. The red numbers flashed five in the morning. I pushed myself from my bed and headed to the kitchen. My finger pushed the start button on my espresso machine after placing a mug underneath it. My feet carried me to the bathroom for the shower I desperately needed. After ten minutes, I stepped out and got dressed in my comfy clothes for the drive. I quickly put my hair into a fishtail braid and went back to the kitchen. I added milk and ice to finish my iced mocha. I glanced down to check my watch. 5:20 A.M. I went to the fridge and pulled out the vanilla greek yogurt. After chopping up a banana, I started eating as quickly as I could so I would be ready in time. I checked my watch again. 5:40 A.M. I cleaned my dishes and went to my front door. The suitcase and backpack that I packed last night already by the door. I pulled on my gold sandals and black wide brimmed hat. Just as I was clasping the last sandal, the buzzer sounded.

“Ready Es?” Ashton’s voice crackled over the speaker.

“Yep. Come on up,” I said, finger pressing to let him up.

The sun was starting to peek through the linen curtains. I cracked my door for Ash before walking over my balcony window. I snapped a quick picture, the calm of the view washing over me. There was a part of me that just wished I could stare at the sunrise for an infinite amount of time, before I was brought back to the world around me.

“Let’s go Es,” Ashton said from behind me.

I walked back over to him and grabbed my backpack.

“Still not telling me?” I asked while locking up.

“Nope,” he said, giving me a wink over the shoulder before heading down to the elevator.

We left my apartment building, a gray Range Rover idling by the curb when we walked out. Ashton hauled my suitcase into the back while I opened the door.

“Good morning little dove,” Luke said after I opened the door.

“Good morning giraffe,” I said, crawling in.

I found myself between the window and Luke with Calum on his other side. Ashton climbed into the single seat in the back.

“And we’re off!” Michael cheered from the driver’s seat.

Crystal cheered from the passenger seat to encourage him even though it was early. Her phone was hooked up to the aux, making her the DJ for the first portion of our trip.

“Mike and Crystal are driving until noon, then Cal and Ash will take over for three hours,” Luke said once we pulled away.

He was reading from a notebook that had different times written in it.

“Do I get to do any driving?” I asked, testing him.

His laugh rang in my ears before I saw his smile.

“Maybe later, but you don’t know where we’re going so you’re gonna have to wait,” he said, nudging my shoulder.

I groaned before looking out the window. California was passing by and it was hard to believe that I was really doing this with them. My ears caught the bassline of Move On by Mike Posner. My head bobbed along to the song before Calum and I looked at each other. We moved in sync with the bassline, both of us appreciating it for exactly what it was. I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up when Calum tried dancing along. Luke looked at us like we were crazy before joining us in the groove. I caught Ashton filming us and gave him a wink. We laughed once the song was over.

                                                          ➢➢➢

Time was flying by. Luke was driving and I had a sleeping Ashton on my shoulder, Crystal nodding off next to him. I still had no idea where we were headed, but now that it was dark, it was harder to tell anyways. No matter how hard I tried to get it out of everyone, they wouldn’t tell me. I knew we had been driving for awhile, but there was no indication for how much longer we were going to be. I caught Luke’s eye in the rearview mirror. It was simple, but it made everything I was feeling more complicated. I tried ignoring and figuring out how I felt about Luke so many times. Each time, I came up with no concrete answers. What it always came down to was that he was one of my best friends and to jeopardize that because of some feelings wasn’t something I would do. My thoughts faded away when I heard the guitar from I Was Made For Loving You by Tori Kelly and Ed Sheeran. My eyes met brown this time, a strange feeling of understanding between me and Calum flooded my senses.

“It’s Crystal’s turn,” Calum said, breaking the moment between us.

Luke nodded.

“Let me find a gas station,” he said, eyes searching the signs to find one.

I adjusted a little so Ashton’s head wasn’t digging into my shoulder.

“Well, Estelle is my co-pilot because you lot keep hogging the passenger seat,” Crystal said, making me laugh.

“Ash,” I whispered, gently squeezing his shoulder.

“Essie?” he asked, eyes still closed.

“I have to get up,” I said, threading my fingers through his hair.

“But you make such a good pillow,” he almost whined.

“I know. You can use my pillow if you want,” I offered, smiling down at him.

There was a fondness I felt for Ash in that moment. He looked so young and stress free when he was asleep. I ran my fingers through his hair one more time. Luke pulled into the gas station parking lot.

“Coffee Es?” Crystal asked while opening the door.

“You know it,” I said, getting out of my seat.

I put my pillow in Ashton’s lap and pressed a quick kiss to his temple. Crystal and I were the only ones that went inside.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom quick,” I said, heading to the back of the store.

I passed a rack of postcards making me stop instantly. Colorado landscapes and greetings from Colorado were everywhere. I went to the bathroom quick and picked one out. I grabbed a few snacks before heading back to the car. I put the postcard on the dash.

“We’re in Colorado,” I said getting Luke and Crystal’s attention.

“Shit. Okay, yeah,” Luke said, sighing a little now that his surprise was ruined.

“Luke, just tell her,” Crystal said, adjusting the seat a bit.

“Okay okay. Currently, we’re heading to St. Louis,” he said, a hint of relief in his tone.

“And I’m guessing that isn’t our final destination,” I said, taking a sip of the coffee Crystal got me.

“Nope. We’re in St. Louis for two days and then we’re off to Myrtle Beach for three days,” he said trailing off.

It was one of the many things Luke did when he wanted to keep things a surprise that drove me insane.

“Keep going,” I encouraged.

“Then in New York for four days,” he continued, the same trailing off happening.

“And then?” I asked, fully aware that there was more.

“We’re gonna be in Cape Cod for three weeks,” he said.

The excitement rushed through me causing me to turn around to look at Luke.

“You mean my number one place to visit?” I asked, thinking that I was dreaming.

“Yeah,” he said, a smirk on his face.

“Oh my god, Luke, this better not be a prank,” I said, my words coming out fast while I stared at him.

“Not a prank. I promise,” he said, holding out his pinkie.

I linked mine with his, the touch heating my skin. I turned back around, a giant grin on my face.

“DJ, please hit me with some jams,” Crystal joked, aux cord in hand.

“Well of course,” I responded, taking it from her and plugging my phone in.

It took me a moment before I found a song that fit the mood I was in. King Of the Clouds by Panic! At the Disco played through the speakers. I let the song wash over me, the words and vocals taking me away.

“I wanted to tell you when you texted yesterday, but Luke and Ash really wanted it to be a surprise,” Crystal said, bringing me back to reality.

“I’m glad it was a surprise though. It makes it that much better,” I said, unable to stop smiling.

“Look at them,” she whispered, turning the music down.

I looked in the rearview to see all of the boys asleep. Ashton had my pillow pressed against the window in the single seat while Luke, Calum, and Michael were lying on each other, their heads crooked into each other in different ways.

“They’ve gotta be used to sleeping in cars by now,” I said, looking over at her.

“You would think, but I know Mikey still struggles with falling asleep in cars. He always needs adjustment when he comes back,” she said, pushing her hair back.

“So does Luke. He usually stays at mine or makes me stay at his when he gets back because he hates being alone after tours,” I said, a small smile coming across my face.

“You sure that’s not because Luke has a thing for you?” she asked, taking me by surprise.

“What? Luke doesn’t have a thing for me,” I dismissed, waving my hand at her.

My heart had picked up when she said it, but I had to push it away.

“Estelle, you’re joking right? I’ve known that boy for awhile now. I’ve seen him go through love and heartbreak. I know when he’s into someone,” she said, her eyes glancing over at me.

“Crystal, I’m telling you, he isn’t into me. We’re best friends and that’s it. That’s all we are now and all we’re ever going to be,” I said, a hint of frustration in my voice.

I had already convinced myself of this. As much as I wanted to believe Crystal, I couldn’t. That road lead to far more hope and rejection than I was able to handle.

“But the way he looks at you-”

“He looks at me like he’s always looked at me. Besides, if he did, the feelings wouldn’t be mutual,” I lied.

The words felt like they were burning my tongue as I said them. I turned to look out the window, my head full of daydreams that the smallest part of me wished would come true.

                                                        ➢➢➢

“Okay Ash, overnight shift,” Calum said after pulling into a gas station.

Calum’s voice woke me up, causing me to move my head off of Luke’s shoulder.

“Who’s my co-pilot?” he asked while getting out of the car.

“I’ll do it Ash,” I said, tying my hair into a loose bun.

“Essie, you were asleep,” he argued, staring at me.

“I’m awake now. Give me a coffee and I’ll be good,” I said getting out of the car.

“Fine. Let’s go get some snack too. It’s you and me for six hours so we should stock up,” he said, leading me into the gas station.

“I’ll get snacks. You get refreshments,” I said before we high fived and split up.

I grabbed chips, granola bars, some candy, and a couple sandwiches. Ash and I met at the counter, his arms full of drinks. He grabbed plenty of flavored water for me and soda for himself.

“I’m grabbing two coffees quick,” he said to the cashier.

He ran back and gave the short brunette the thousand watt smile. She blushed under his gaze. We took the bags from her and went back to the car.

“You are ridiculous,” I said while we settled in the car.

“I don’t know what you mean,” he laughed.

“Oh please. You flirt with everything that has a pulse,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Excuse you, but that’s Luke. I didn’t mean to flirt with her, but she was cute,” Ashton said, laughing again before pulling away from the gas station.

“You’re right, Luke does do that a lot,” I said, picking up my phone.

“Is that some jealousy I’m hearing?” he teased.

“No,” I said, hitting play on Nintendo Game by Alessia Cara.

“I’m kidding Essie,” he said.

“Yeah I know. Why did you guys pick Cape Cod?” I asked, taking the subject off me and Luke.

I opened a bag of cheddar sour cream chips and took a sip of the coffee Ashton got me. The bittersweetness ran over my tongue, just the way I liked it. Ashton always made sure the coffee he got me tasted just right.

“Well, I was personally tired of the same California beaches every summer and Cal wanted some place that was warm, but still pretty chill. Luke pitched Cape Cod and we all agreed,” he said with a shrug.

He made it sound so simple and easy, like it was just a walk in the park for them. Then again, the boys were always like this and it was always an adjustment at first, but I had found myself getting used to it.

“Who’s idea was it to bring me?” I asked, quickly eating a chip so he wouldn’t sense the nerves I had about the situation.

“Luke’s. He remembered how badly you wanted to go,” Ashton said like it was obvious.

“Yeah. It’s been my number one since high school,” I said quietly.

“I don’t get why you never went,” he said, taking a swig of his cream soda.

“My parents never wanted to and then during college, I just never got the chance or there wasn’t time. Now, yeah my career allows for vacation, but I didn’t think anyone would want to go,” I said shrugging it off.

“Well now you got us,” Ashton said giving me a smile.

“Yeah I do,” I said returning the smile.

                                                          ➢➢➢

“Ash, your shift is over. You two need some sleep,” Luke called from the back.

Ashton got off at the next exit. Despite my best efforts, I was exhausted. I climbed into the middle seat while Luke and Crystal took over. Ashton climbed in next to me.

“Get some sleep Essie,” he whispered before pressing a kiss to my temple.

I adjusted slightly until my head was on Ashton’s shoulder. A nudging woke me up a few hours later. I slowly sat up, my eyes adjusting to the new light.

“Welcome to St. Louis little dove,” Luke said, our eyes meeting in the rearview yet again.

I looked out the window immediately. A gasp escaped my mouth as I took in the view. There was water shining in the sun and the big arch took over the sky. Brick buildings and greenery were everywhere. It was absolutely breathtaking and one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. Luke parked in front of a brick building with two arches framing the doors.

“We’re here,” he said, eyes gleaming as he looked at the building.

“This is where we’re staying?” I asked while following everyone else’s lead at getting out.

“Yeah,” Ashton said handing me my suitcase.

We walked into the condo, the white walls taking me by surprise.

“Luke and I will take the double beds,” Ashton said.

I stopped in front of a single room with a gorgeous view of the city. I could see the water from the window and there was something about the way the arch was reflecting on it that made me smile.

“Estelle’s got this one!” Luke called after following Ashton.

I slowly walked into it, my breath gone again.

“Well, I guess this is real now,” I whispered, my fingers ghosting over the soft bed sheets.

It had felt like a dream until this moment, but everything about it still felt like I needed to be pinched. If it was all a dream, I never wanted to wake up.

Let me know if you want more and want to be added to the taglist. 

taglist loves: @thruheavenandhighwater @notoriouslyhood @24kcalum @bbycal @cashton-queen @thebookamongmen @tommossoccer @slimthicccal @a-little-international @irwinsx

[royalrhaposdy]

Of Course I Care [ Brian May ]

Word count: 1.2k+

Request: Heyy, i only wanted to tell you that i love te way you write, it’s so cooooool. I was just wondering, could you do a Brian x Reader roommate au? iluuuu

REQUESTS ARE OPEN!

_________________________________________

Your morning was already off to a rough start, you had woken up late, with no time for breakfast and now you couldn’t find your bag that had paperwork that had to be submitted today. You were running around the flat desperately trying to locate your missing bag. In the meantime, your roommate, Brian, was just watching you with a big smirk plastered on his face.

Realization hit you, you must have left your bag lying around. One thing you have learned after living with Brian was he really hated it when you left your belongings just lying around, “Brian, where did you put my bag?”

“Y/N, if you would put stuff away, you’d know where it is.”, you groaned, you knew he was just trying to teach you a lesson normally you would’ve just apologized but you were getting later by the second.

“Please Bri, I’m already late,” you were getting ready to beg when Brian just let out a big sigh and said, “It’s in the closet where it belongs.” You rushed to the closet, pulled your bag out, and rushed out the door.

You and Brian had met in college and had almost instantaneously felt comfortable with him. It didn’t take long for you two to become best friends. He would invite you to come to Smile’s gigs and you would invite him to your art exhibitions; you were each other's biggest fans. Once the both of you graduated you decided to find an apartment together. It’s been about three years since you moved in with Brian and it was still one of the best decisions you’ve ever made; he was the perfect roommate and the perfect best friend.

Eight long hours later you finally returned home from work. You opened the door to find Brian sitting on the couch strumming his guitar, he looked up at you when you entered the room. “How was work?”,he asked.

“It was fine, my boss didn’t even seem to notice that I was late, thank god.” You sat in the chair across from him and put your feet up, it was good to be home.

He nodded and began strumming his guitar again. A comfortable silence fell between the two of you, you closed your eyes and listened to the first few chords of Keep Yourself Alive, when all of a sudden he spoke up and asked, “Hey Y/N, are you doing anything tonight?”

“No, I’m not, why?”every time Brian invited you to anything it was always fun.

“Queen was invited to play at the club downtown, do you wanna come?”

“I’d love to! What time?” you were hoping you’d have a few more minutes to relax before you had to start getting ready.

“Umm, I think it starts at 10, but I have to leave at 9.” you glanced over at the clock on the wall, it was somehow already 8:00, you’d definitely have to start getting ready now.

You quickly pushed yourself up off the chair and gave Brian a pat on the shoulder as you made your way towards your room. “Good luck tonight, I know you guys will kill it like always.”

He smiled up at you, “If you get there before the show come backstage, I’ll give security your name.”

“Okay thanks, Bri, I’ll see you there.”

After taking a shower, drying and styling your air, applying makeup and choosing an outfit you were finally ready to go.

You grabbed your car keys and checked the time, it was only 9:15, you were delighted that you still had time to wish the guys good luck before their set.

Fifteen minutes later you pulled up to the club and made your way in, you noticed that the crowds seem to be tripling in size every time you go to see Queen perform. You made your way past security and to the boys’ dressing room. You knocked on the door it was quickly opened up by a very hyper looking Roger. “Hey Rog, how are you?” you quickly found yourself wrapped in a hug.

“I’m great love,” he said as he gestured for you to come in. You gave the same greeting to all of the boys before settling into the seat beside Brian. “The crowd out there is huge, congrats guys!”

Freddie was beaming at your comment, “It’s all thanks to the release of our album, darling.” You sat around chatting to the band until a man came into the dressing room to give the guys a 5-minute warning.

“Well guys, I guess that’s my cue to go find a place to watch from. Go kill it.”

As you left the room and made your way to the stage you noticed that the room was even more packed than before. Luckily you were able to find a good spot to watch the boys from.

As always you enjoyed every minute of their set, it never ceases to amaze you how easily they connected with the crowd. Once the set was over you made your way backstage to congratulate the boys on a great set. As you made your way into the dressing room you couldn’t help but blurt out, “You guys absolutely killed it, they loved you!” The smiles on the boys' faces told you that they already knew how well they did.

“Thanks, Y/N, hey the boys and I were offered free drinks you wanna stay?” as much as Brian’s offer was tempting, you were absolutely exhausted and had a ton of paperwork to finish.

“Thanks for the offer guys but I think I’m going to go home, don’t get too drunk now.” The boys couldn’t help but laugh at your comment. You said your goodbyes and headed home.

You were used to Brian staying out late partying with the boys since Queen really got popular every Friday night Brian would be out until 3 in the morning partying with the boys.

You had even developed a routine, Brian was a creature of habit he would always be home by 3am like clockwork. He would never come home super drunk but you always like to be there to help him just in case.  

When you arrived home, you got ready for bed and set your alarm on your phone for 2:30am and then went to bed.

2:30 came way quicker then you had hoped it would, you got up and sat on the couch to wait for Brian. However, 3 am came and went but Brian hadn’t come home yet, you began to panic this wasn’t like him at all.

You were all of a sudden woken up to the sound of a kettle boiling, you must have somehow fallen asleep on the couch last night.

You drowsily walked into your kitchen to find a tried looking Brian making tea, you so relieved to see he was okay but your temper began to boil at the sight of him.  “Why the hell didn’t you come home! I was so worried about you!” your sudden outburst caused Brian to jump.

“Jeez Y/N, it's fine I got too drunk so I decided to sleep in my car, calm down.”

“Calm down?! I was worried sick. God your such a twat sometimes.”

Brian began to laugh and walked closer to you, “Aweeee, does someone care about me?” you couldn’t help but let out a little laugh the goofy smile of his always got you.

“Of course I care about you. You’re my best friend.” he pulled you into a tight hug before whispering in your ear, “Are you still mad at me?”

You shook your head and smiled up at him, “No but you better not do that ever again.”

[thoughtfulseason]

Tagged by @childofdustandashes ily <333

Rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people

@kailaurens @reguluz @kentclarks @lupins @linemie @stuckwith-harry @ronaldswheezy @arwenundomiel @znanyjany @cabin-girl @potterrj @theheirofillea @thisonestargazer

Last:

1. Drink: water


2. Phone call: my grandma


3. Text message: “ok”


4. Song you listened to: Billie Eilish - Fingers Crossed

5. Time you cried: five days ago (woah that was long ago lmao)

6. Dated someone twice?: never

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: I’ve never kissed anyone


8. Been cheated on: no


9. Lost someone special: my grandma’s second husband. i was only six at the time and it wasnt SUCH a big loss back then but i really miss him :’(

10. Been depressed: like literally ten minutes ago

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: I don’t drink

Fave colours;

12. blue


13. light pink

14. white etc etc etc

In the last year have you…

15. Made new friends: no

16. Fallen out of love: no

17. Laughed until you cried: today during lithuanian lecture cause the teacher was looking at me and like provoking to laugh....so yeah couldnt hold back....i literally wiped my tears afterwards....and i always laugh during french (the teacher is super wonderful and she is so funny so it’s unavoidable)


18. Found out someone was talking about you: not so sure?

19. Met someone who changed you: only the person i met in 2016 (lmao not hard to guess who)


20. Found out who your friends are: not really.... :(

21. Kissed someone on your facebook friends list: haha lmao no

General;

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know irl: the majority

23. Do you have any pets: two cats

24. Do you want to change your name: when i was small i wanted my name to be emily (my sister’s name) and i really hated my name but now ive really grown to love it and i wouldnt trade it to anything (even if i hate how without my teaching non lithuanians would pronounce it)

25. What did you do for your last birthday: cried (and went on a guided city tour but on the exact birthday day went to dine with my family)


26. What time did you wake up today: 7 i think


27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping


28. What is something you cant wait for: to meet egle on wednesday and talk to her (im begging for us to meet pls god)


30. What are you listening to right now: Billie Eilish - Bellyache

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes. my aunt’s husband is tom and our family’s ex friends family’s one member was tom (a year younger than me)


32. Something that’s getting on your nerves: when people shout


33. Most visited website: tumblr, instagram, youtube

34. Hair colour: dark blonde


35. Long or short hair: medium. reaches my chest

36. Do you have a crush on someone: platonic 

37. What do you like about yourself: i like the two freckles behind my left eye (i dont have freckles, its just very tiny moles?? so theyre freckles), my talents, that i feel very strongly (not sth i should be proud of but i like it) but the most of all - my ability to get better and better

38. Want any piercings?: no

39. Blood type: i always forget it and need to ask my mom haha


40. Nicknames: Rad by a couple of users here, but i prefer my full name


41. Relationship status: single (thank god)

42. Zodiac: aries


43. Pronouns: she/her


44. Fave tv shows: dont have much time for that now but i guess anne with an e, a series of unfortunate events, skam, atla (these are literally the best but i watch more when i have time)


45. Tattoos: none

46. Right or left handed: left

47. Ever had surgery: apendicitis when i was 13

48. Piercings: none


49. Sport: skiing, tennis, swimming

50. Vacation: Scotland or Ireland, but literally anywhere i guess

 
51. Trainers: idek

More general;

52. Eating: i just ate three chocolate candies oops

 
53. Drinking: water or tea
 (but normal tea, without milk)

54. I’m about to watch: olympics ice skating with my family

55. Waiting for: egle to understand what interesting person i am

56. Want: to become friends with egle (and call the informal you ffs)

57. Get married: someday


58. Career: i want to be a translator and a writer 

Which is better;

59. Hugs or kisses: hugs


60. Lips or eye: eyes! im slut for looking person i love in the eyes for a long time but why do i look at egle’s lips (like i look at all her face and like the eyeliner but not the eye colour why am i like this)

 
61. Shorter or taller: shorter

62. Older or younger: idk


63. Nice arms or stomach: both (like id say stomach but i have really nice arms and id better keep them than stomach, but ive been exercising in order to be healthy and have a better stomach)


64. Hookup or relationship: relationship!


65. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant (cause thats what i am lol)

Have you ever;

66. Kissed a stranger: no


67. Drank hard liquor: i dont think so

68. Lost glasses: i never used them 


69. Turned someone down: no

70. Sex on first date: no


71. Broken someones heart: I don’t know, but never on purpose


72. Had your heart broken: yes
 (platonically)

73. Been arrested: no


74. Cried when someone died: yes


75. Fallen for a friend: no

Do you believe in;

76. Yourself: I try to
 love myself and im getting better at this

77. Miracles: yes!


78. Love at first sight: yes, cause my parents were like this


79. Santa claus: I used to
, but i saw him so he exists just doesnt bring presents

80. Kiss on a first date: idek but i think thats just the movie scenario hahaha

81. Angels: i think so

Other;

82. Best friend’s name: i wish it was egle

83. Eye colour: blue


84. Fave movie: this question is too difficult

85. Fave actor: Emma Watson, Felicity Jones, Alicia Vikander etc etc

[pbandjesse]

I just got done having a weird conversation with a radio's facebook presence. They apparently got hacked or something and sent a bunch of people messages but I was the first one to respond and I was half joking that they were accusing me of something and then we realized the first messages werent showing up on their side and it was a whole thing. Strange. And now there is a very big storm that just started so I will probably go and pick up James after I get this posted. Well see what James says but I am pretty sure thats what will happen. 

I had a pretty nice day overall though. My skin was really bad today. It started feeling bad last night. But I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow, Its a phone call but I hope she can get me on a new medication or something. Because topicals arent cutting it and its got me pretty miserable. 

I woke up and got dressed and felt cute. I forgot to take my picture before I left apparently and so you get a nice messy and sweaty Jesse picture. But whatever. I left here and got stuck in a lot of traffic. I was just sitting on 83 behind an accident for 15 minutes, but I was pleased how well everyone was letting eachother in, zipper style, to get through the left lane, while the 4 car accident was blocking everything else. 

But then not a minute down the road there is another accident in the left lane! One car was completely sideways and the 2 women drivers were crouched in the road, it looked like they were trying to comfort eachother. Thankfully, of the accidents I saw today, no one seemed physically hurt.  

I got to camp around 8. Much later than normal but it was fine. And I had a nice day. My rainboots continue to fall apart. They held on for so long. But the new ones wont be here until like the 10th. They have ducks with umbrellas on them though so they will be worth the wait. 

I got all the groups their theme boxes. They made pet rocks today. And I did some cleaning. I went to the office to offer some help. And was sent to the pool house to look for any left over supplies. There wasnt a lot so I also just did some light cleaning and organized the chairs.I was pretty overheated though. Which was annoying. Because it wasnt like warm. It was just humid. Very humid. 

I was also a little overwhelmed because it was Jess's first day of pastry school and apparently it didnt go great. She had to be there at like 6am because those are bakery hours. And she texted me after just so super upset. And I felt very helpless. She has a meeting with the dean tomorrow and I really hope it goes well. I hate not being able to help her. Its painful for me to just hear all this bad. She couldnt even tell me any good she was so upset. So just send her some positive vibes that things improve. 

I ran trading post again. And it went pretty well. I was slightly annoyed with some personalities that I find grating. But it was still a nice time. 

I had my group of older kids and it went so smoothly. They made their squares and hung out in the hammocks and made bracelets. We talked about cults. It was just a nice time. 

Once they left and I cleaned up I spent some time doing som research for Jess, chef shoes with ankle support, and what disability services at a culinary school might look like. We also brain stormed a little about accommodations the school could maybe make. And joked that she could just sue the school  if they dont help make the accommodations and use the money to just open a bakery. 

I spent the rest of the day cleaning and organizing and lounging and reading. The bees were out really bad today so I had to leave my hammock and move inside. But soon it was 4 and I was getting ready to close up and head to the office. 

When I got down there I asked to change up the schedule for tomorrow so I could have my doctor phone call and not be worried about my group. I was sitting on the porch checking my emails when I realized I had an access art email asking if I was interested or available to come back this fall. And I had to say no. I just cant, I was so miserable last year. Even if the money is good it wasnt worth how emotionally hard it was on me. 

But I was annoyed that they were still asking me for receipts. Receipts I thought we dealt with in March. Ones that I told them that if they didnt have them I sure as hell didnt have them. And some of these purchases I dont even think I made, so I told him to check in with Marcus and Tiffany first because I had no idea. And that I will fill out the form again but I have no receipts to give him. I just find it really annoying that we have had this same conversation approximately 5 times. And just cements me not wanting to come back. It stresses me out to much, all the extra stuff around teaching that involved computers. I dont like working on computers. Beyond typing I just dont want to fill out spread sheets or forms or write the same thing 5 times for 4 different reasons. I hate it. 

I just wanted to go home though. My head was hurting and I was annoyed. So off I went. I had an easy ride home and got back here around 530. I found Mr Will shirtless in the hallway and he was all embarrassed but he was working on the roof and it was hot. Understandable. 

I went inside and made dinner. SweetP was being really needy. I just wanted to lay on the couch. I played a little animal crossing and watched some videos. I did the dishes and took a shower, stretched for a little while,  and now I am just chilling. I went out on the fire escape for a couple minutes because there was a cop car outside. But they left and now I am just going to scroll on my phone until either James tells me I need to come get him or he comes home. Whatever comes first. 

Tomorrow I hope is just a good and nice day. Its supposed to keep storming. But I hope its still fun. And you all sleep well. Goodnight everyone! Be safe!

[easilyabandonedgirl]

You weren't ready to talk about it, but this is all you'll ever get.

Here's my truth.

I would say in fairly confident I got pregnant on the birthday. It could have been the next 2 days after, but I'm sure it was the night of my birthday.

Yes, I was on birth control pills. I took them every day, on time, like clock work. No, I did not miss a pill or take one late. But there is apparently something about you and I that makes the universe not care if I'm on birth control. Even though we did go almost a whole year without getting pregnant between Persephone and Lillith. April 2018 to March 2019.

Lillith was the reason I had an IUD put in. After receiving a less than enthusiastic reaction from you at the very thought of a baby, I told myself that if this pregnancy didn't last, I would go to a more permanent form of birth control. You made it very clear that giving me a baby was no longer something you were willing to do and I understood that the best I could. My Dr still didnt want to tie or seal my tubes, and I'm kind of thankful for that. So we agreed on a very long term IUD. So now I have a paraguard IUD in and I've had it since April 23, 2019. I can have it removed at any time if babies are in the plans, but I have to have it removed no later than April 20, 2029.

Anyway, when I started dropping hints that I was dreaming about babies and other people were dreaming about me having babies (which is 100% true), I didnt know I was pregnant. So the first couple of days when I said that I wasnt pregnant, I didnt know I was then. I found out a couple days later. I know I pushed a little too hard on the subject and thats what drove you away. But I wanted to know that you would be there for me, at least emotionally. And when you stopped replying to texts or answering calls or calling me back, I panicked. Wholeheartedly freaked me out. When I said that you mean more to me than anyone, even a baby, I meant that.

A couple weeks went by and things were pretty much back to normal with us. I was still holding on to this tremendous secret and I honestly, didnt know what I was going to do. I knew I had time to think about it still, but I didnt want you to freak out and reject me and our baby if I told you the truth. Not that I thought that was what you would do, but I was scared to even risk it. I wasnt willing to take the chance of finding out how you would react at the time. I was terrified of everything.

So I woke up the morning of a March 27th and told myself that I was going to tell you, to your face and accept whatever happened after that. You had already told me the night before you were going to come see me that day after work. I was so ready to butter you up with kisses and blowjobs and pizza and backrubs and shower time and just being the most overly affectionate human being ever. Do you remember what happened the day of the 27th?

You called me when you got out of work to tell me your were leaving. You cancelled coming over to see me, you hung up the phone on me and refused to do anything but text me. I didnt know what to do. I finally built the nerve to sit you down, face to face, and tell you the truth, accepting whatever reaction you were going to have as my fate. Then you cancelled our night together and I took it as a sign from the universe to keep my mouth shut. So I did. I kept silent.

A few days go by and I'm about a month pregnant when I start getting so fucking nauseous that I cant do anything without throwing up. I tried to hide the pain in my body with other things, I blamed being sick on anxiety (though my anxiety was outrageous, it was only 10% of why I was throwing up all day.) I couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, couldnt shower without puking my brains out. It was horrible and I'm certain my anxiety made it worse. I tried hard not to think about you leaving or about keeping this secret from you.

There were moments, so many moments, I caught my subconscious mind sending you signals. We would be laid down and my hand would put your hand on my belly without me even thinking about it. I was asking for belly rubs and back rubs and asking you to rub my feet because everything hurt so bad. There were a few moments I thought you knew or that you were wondering. One of them was the first time we had sex after I hit 4 weeks and my body starting becoming overly sensitive. I didnt notice it the first time, but as I had 8, 9, 10, 11 screaming orgasms, I thought to "Holy shit. He's going to know if I keep this up. Hes going to ask."

The next 5 or 6 times we had sex, I tried so hard to keep quiet. To keep my screaming to every 3rd orgasm. We have great sex and it's not unusual for you to make me cum 2 or 3 times. So I told myself if I only scream every 3rd or 4th time, you wouldnt become suspicious. So that's what I did.

The last week we were together, before you left, we had two rounds back to back where it was just unreal. In total I remember something like 18 or 19 orgasms. I laid beside you and you looked at me and I remember it just being such a different look on your face. I was like, "fucking fuck I'm fucking busted as fuck. Hes fucking going to fucking ask. Fuck it. If he asks, tell him the truth." But you never asked. You just closed your eyes and even when I asked, "are you thinking about something?" You said, "just about how tired I am." And I subconsciously placed your hand on my belly and we took a nap.

Now you're probably going to hate me in a thousand different ways for this, but it's the truth. When you didnt come over the Tuesday before you were leaving, I told myself I needed to make a choice. Your stuff was packed. You were leaving and there was nothing I could say or do to stop you. I wanted our baby but I wanted you more and I thought if I kept her, you would exile me. So I called and set an appointment to have an abortion. It was one of the most horrific feelings I've ever had during a phone call. My appointment was set for April 23rd at 8am. At the time, I thought it was the right thing to do. So I started drinking, heavy and fast. I wanted to numb myself. The one thing I said I was never going to do again in my whole life, I now had to do. It was emotionally tormenting to say the least. I had convinced myself that no matter what I did, you were going to hate me regardless.

So I drank. And for 3 days it was all I did. It makes me a horrible person and makes me sick to stomach just thinking about it. I hate every inch of who I am because of it. I deserve to burn in hell fire for all eternity for what I did. Theres no excuse for it and you're welcome to judge and hate me, but you should know it will never surmount how much I judge and hate myself for what I did. The drinking started causing complications. That's why I was suddenly in enormous amounts of excruciating pain. My uterus started contracting and I knew I was going to miscarry. I could feel it happening all over again. The same exact lain I have become so accustom to.

I begged to Gods to keep me together until you left. Just two more days. They were kind enough to give me that. I didnt want there to be any conflict between us with you so close to leaving to the other side of the country. So close to your birthday. So I kept my mouth shut and tried to keep things as normal between us as I could. I wasnt going to be the reason to made any big life decisions. I wasnt important enough for that, nothing about me was that important.

The morning of you leaving came. When I first got our of my car at Mugu Rock, I saw your face and I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you everything. All of it. Beg you on my knees and plead with the Gods to make you stay. Right there in the gravel, in front of anyone and everyone. I didnt care about anything but not losing you. We sat on the rocks at the beach and stared off into the deep waters, across the horizon. While you were taking mental pictures of everything around you but me, I couldn't focus on anything but you. Memorizing the way your hands felt against mine. I fought hard to memorize every inch of your handsome face, every inch of your body, to count the gold flakes in your eyes and the green speckles. One by one.

You squeezed my hand and it made me want to tell you everything. I was just going to blurt it out and let it be what it was, whatever that was suppose to be. But I turned my head and saw a tear fall down your face. I heard you sniffle and I could feel all your pain and the heartbreak you had. There was no way in hell I was going to add to that. I knew in that moment that I had to keep my secret. I couldnt bare to watch the strongest man I know break down and dare to be the little cunt who adds salt to your already open wounds. I couldnt do it, there was no sound coming from my mouth when I opened it. I wiped the tears from your face and suddenly had no urge to say a word.

I lost Lillith on April 18. I never made it to the clinic. I already hate myself and know it was my fault. 100% my fault. I was drinking for a few days. I wasnt eating, wasnt sleeping, no water. Nothing. I laid in bed after you left and pretty much wished to die every single day for weeks. I laid in bed, that was it. I distinctly recall there being two days I didnt even get up to pee. I let my body suffer because I genuinely wanted to rot into a corpse. I had pain in every inch of everything. When I lost her, I didnt go to the ER, I didnt see my Dr. I just laid there hoping it would kill me. I saw my Dr on April 23rd. He confirmed my miscarriage and told me I looked like shit. He was right.

He did blood work, ran tests. The typical stuff. That's when we found our my kindneys were so dehydrated that they were failing. That's why my apartment fell into such disarray. I was really hoping the whole thing would just kill me. And I kept up my facade with you every day. Keeping to conversation turned on you, and how you were doing so I could avoid talking about me.

I didnt want to tell you I lost her. I told myself there was no point because what was done, was done. There was nothing I could say to you or do to bring her back. So there was no reason in my mind, at the time, to tell you.

And that's the whole truth. Start to finish.

I'm positive you're going to hate me, think I'm vile and foul. You're right. 100% accurate. And I know my sorry wont count at all after everything I did. But I am wholeheartedly sorry. I know I handled everything wrong. All of it. I know in my heart you would have never hated me or left me for dead back then. But I was so scared. I let my anxiety and fear run the show and it cost me everything.

[imthebrettofthegroup-blog]

I just want to start off by saying that this is probably something you wont read and will probably scroll past. I want one person and his friends (all of cc) to read this and know how much they have helped me.

I have had a horrible week even though it only just started.

It technically started last monday but the worst of it arrived yesterday.

Last week I had a surgery on my ear (I had a hole in my ear drum causing hearing loss)

After the surgery I woke up wearing this ugly stupid red headband that I could tell would get annoying.

People thought it was normal, fashionable until I said its from surgery.

First few days were fine, my sleeping schedule on the other hand not so great.

I slept all day and stayed up all night until I went back to school.

I tried to fix that but it got worse until I was awake for two whole days with 0 hours of sleep. Then the next day, the next, the next, until it got to the fifth day.

I have had 6 hours of sleep over the past 5 days. I googled insomnia because a few people said that I might have that.

Insomnia can occur from several things, those of mine would be depression and anxiety.

I am technically not a senior because I dont have enough credits to qualify in the state of Texas.

Thats already stressful. Comes the first day of school my teacher who has been helping me with my learning disabilities told me I would have to work my ass off to get those credits in only a few short months.

Professional communications, we must present a poem about color. I thought of my poem abd I thought it was great!

Red is the first color of the rainbow

Orange is an orange

Yellow as yellow as the banana bus

Green, well those are peas

Blue mens group and blues clues too!

Beautiful indigo night skies

Violet, now where is she?

The more you know

That was my poem.

Then I got scared and almost didn't present it but I did and the look the teacher had on her face made it clear, she didnt like it.

Those cause my stress.

My depression oh boy,

Being bullied because of what I look like. People staring and pointing at me before the laugh while going down the hall to our next class. Thats all im seeing. Judgement.

Boys. Oh lord, I told my crush how I felt. I wrote it on the notebook app on my phone.

I sent it to my two close friends so they can see it before I send it (all of us girls do that)

They told me to send it but I was honestly scared and kept thinking "he doesn't like you who are you kidding. You know whats gonna happen. Stop. Trying." But I sent it and was shaking because I was so scared. I have never been so honest to a guy like that before, its scary!

Being the mofo sweet thing he is he said he thought it was cute and sweet.

Since I didn't have the guts to ask him how he felt about that, I asked my friend Faith to ask him.

He thought it was sweet and cute that I was so up front and honest about how I felt towards him (those werent the exact words, I understood what he meant anyways." But then the next like read "but I dont like anyone at the moment."

That was not the response I was wanting.

He two of my friends felt bad and told me not to worry but all I said is that it has happened to me many times before and Im used to it by now. Truth is Im not.

This guy I like really is the nicest guys I know. He is in the cooler group of people unlike me yet he still listens and read my insanly long paragraphs of me venting, only to respond with something that will make me feel better. All these other guys at our school pretend to be nice at first and then unmask their true self. "Fuqbois" I honestly thought he wad going to be like that but he is still here helping me out today. He makes me laugh in class by being a doofus *no joke, actually pauses typing session to open his snapchat- and actually bringing Shelby, Samar, Faith and us closer together. Yeah it annoys me when he sends me selfies and not say anything or start a conversation and even when I try he just doesnt talk (heckin turd) but I mean hey, he still helps me.

I will admit I felt worthless and unwanted but my two friends, immediately started to message me telling me its okay and trying to cheer me up. It didnt work.

I couldnt talk to him, I was too embarrassed. I talked to my new friend Matthew and he was telling me his story about how he was nothing to what he is now, a huge fuckin ladies man, guys ask him how he did it. He really tried just as much as the girls did but it didnt work.

I talked to my friend L (I know your name Latrice, just want to hurry sorry boo). She immediately knew something wad wrong and tried to help. I decided I just wanted some time alone so I asked "when I get back, can you send me a bunch of pictures of my man Brett?" And she said she would.

I didnt really get any alone time as all my friends kept texting me but I didnt want them to know and start to worry. I only talked to a few of my older girlfriends (going back since 7th grade) Bailey and my other friend Dani (queen) and my friend who was also by my friend Sakib (he introudced me to bre my bitch ass dork), Kate and Sakib were always there when I needed someone or something. Since my freshman year. They graduated as class of 2017 at Central, leaving me and a bunch of us behind. Kate helped me feel better but we didnt talk much. Bre was acting like a mom, I said I was so embarrassed and she said it wasnt embarrassing. How is that not embarrassing? "Because I said so" she made me feel better a bit more.

Bailey, she said I should respect that about him and I agreed. I said I hated couples besides her and her boyfriend Cody.

Her- I wish Cody had friends, I would set you up

Me- me too WAIT OMG "I wish Cody had friends" THE SHADE IS FEELING NICE OVER HERE!

Dani, my beautiful Queen oh my goodness! You already went through a horrible loss today and I wasnt there for you like I should have. I told her I always mess things up and ruin everything. -again gets on snapchat because Erick the cuck asked me a quetion and I answered and then he like died or something, gets distracted amd realizes that Jakob from cc opened my message and then gets on instagram to tell L and let her know Im still writing this, remembers Jakob, freaks out again, looks at notifcations and sees that my famdog Matt (super awesome one I talked about) changed his profile picture so I go check it out realized I was supposed to be typing this and comes back here to remember I need to go to the conversation I had with Dani earlier to put her quote- "its just people who need to learn to see whats so great and its right in front of them." That made me feel better.

I go back to instagram and ask for the pictures of Brett. They instantly make me smile. I dm her because I can connect with her on a certain level with certain things, I tell her I sent a note to Jakob and that I hope he reads it. I took a screenshot and sent to L who said it was so sweet. While typing that letter to Jakob, I had realized the reason Im still here and who I am now than who I was just two weeks ago and I began to cry. I had just realized that Brett has made me smile so much and made me laugh and giggle. He may not know it but he saved my life. Im in a group chat with L and Sam. The chat is called the Slaughter Club. We had met from a post Sam had put up saying she wants to make a gc with a bunch of cc fans and just have an awesome time. Im so glad I hit that comment button and asked to be in the group. Over a day after, we realized I was the oldest, Sam being the youngest and we kinda let her choose lol. Brett is the older one of the group, I was called the Brett of sc. Trevor being the youngest of cc, Sam being the Trevor of sc, L, she chose Aleks. So Aleks of sc she was. They would get great pictures of the guy of cc and I never saw good ones so I asked where, they brought me here. Since being in this group chat and being the adult in certain situations (also weird fact, whenever Im not there, shit happens like idek. Same with Brett with cc.) Brett has inspired me in so many ways and I know I will never have the chance to ever in any way tell him, this is how Im telling him how he saved me. Really, all I want is that the Cow Chop crew read this and know how much they mean to me. I have a feeling that I know they will never see this (especially Brett) but Im going to put this out there in the hopes he will. Thats what I want from this. I know its all stupid but the CC crew really have brought together an amazing group of friends who I love so much and want to thank for always being there. Thank you. -Caroline Hope Powell

[secretlymadeoutofcups]

get to know me tag??

tagged by @chani-babe ily

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people…

THE LAST: 1. Drink: water 2. Phone call: my mum 3. Text message: thank youu! (@ my mumma lol) 4. Song you listened to: Letting go - DAY6

5. Time you cried: this morning lol

6. Dated someone twice: never dated anyone (im like 14) 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: never kissed anyone 8. Been cheated on: never dated anyone 9. Lost someone special: like death?? bc i almost have,, but a few weeks ago one of my best friends moved to Bulgaria (i live in NZ), we still talk but its just really hard not having her here 10. Been depressed: ive never been diagnosed (bc my parents refuse to admit that their kids might have mental illnesses) but im pretty sure i was at some points over the past two years but ive never been seen by a doctor abt it so imma say no 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nah

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: pink, yellow, green

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: yeah! (and i love them all <3) 16. Fallen out of love: yeah (but iss bc he was racist and im not abt that life) 17. Laughed until you cried: no :(( 18. Found out someone was talking about you: uhm yeah everyone lol 19. Met someone who changed you: yeah 20. Found out who your friends are: not this year 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: view no.7

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all except one (thats u Luis ily) 23. Do you have any pets: i have a cat named Alisha and ive had here for 10 years and i love her very much! <3

24. Do you want to change your name: i quite like my name but i kinda want to but for personal reasons lol 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: nothing i asked my friends if they wanted to hang and they all left me on read :’) 26. What time did you wake up: 0530 thanks period cramps 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping 28. Name something you can’t wait for: to leave... 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: like 15 minutes ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish my dad wasnt here 31. What are you listening right now: Congratulations - DAY6 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yeah lol  33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my dad, my grandma (his mum) and my little sister 34. Most visited Website: tumblr and youtube 35. Elementary: i live in Nz but the equivalent of that would be primary school and yeah that shit ends after year 6 36. High School: 1 1/2 of 5 years down wish me luck lads 37. College: technically im already in college bc college is high school here in NZ 38. Haircolor: reaaaaaaallly grown out blonde with black roots (think Lisa’s boombayah hair but x100) 39. Long or short hair: like armpit length lol 40. Do you have a crush on someone: does Jaemin count? 41. What do you like about yourself: nice ass eyes 42. Piercings: i have my firsts and a cartilage piercing  43. Bloodtype: idk im 14  44. Nickname: momo 45. Relationship status: single 47. Pronouns: ion care theyre just noises 48. Favorite TV Show: skins 49. Tattoos: none rn but i want some 

50. Right or left: both 51. Surgery: ion have tonsils 52. Piercing: refer to no.42 53. Sport: i used to play netball, soccer, and i danced (pretty darn well) but then i stopped bc the girls were bullying me and ruining my confidence lol i still get anxiety abt it even tho its been months 55. Vacation: Japan or Austria 56. Pair of trainers: do u think i leave my house lol yall trippin 

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: nothing atm

58. Drinking: rn?? nothing

59. I’m about to: find some bumbin DAY6 fics to read (link a chickie up)

61. Waiting for: happiness 62. Want: for someone to genuinely love me eventually bc loving yourself can be a bit much sometimes and i need some reason to stay 63. Get married: like in my twenties lol (like anyones gonna wanna marry my ass) 64. Career: i really want to either dance or model but those are really stupid lol just let me indulge

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: both 66. Lips or eyes: both  67. Shorter or taller: depends 68. Older or younger: older, i dont think i could handle someone younger even if its just a month or something 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i couldnt care less abt what their arms or stomach look like as long as they are healthy 71. Sensitive or loud: loud to hide my sensitive ass 72. Hook up or relationship: both 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: both

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: again, refer to no.7 75. Drank hard liquor: ya lol mostly @ school but shhhhhhhh 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no 77. Turned someone down: all the time lol 78. Sex in the first date: depends how well i know them and/or how comfortable i am with them lol 79. Broken someones heart: probably 80. Had your heart broken: a lil bit but it was my fault for being so attatched 81. Been arrested: no 82. Cried when someone died: ya 83. Fallen for a friend: yeah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: idk 85. Miracles: i guess? 86. Love at first sight: lust? yes. love? no (but im still gonna indulge in ppls AUs) 87. Santa Claus: im??not??5??? 88. Kiss in the first date: depends 89. Angels: yeah but not like the 1s in the bible 

OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: Khairene, Nicoletta, Luis, and Anouk 

91. Eyecolor: poo poo brown but theyre very pretty and i love them 92. Favorite movie: Juno

Imma tag @m1nhks @sidemendes and anyone else who wants to lol

[crystal-cloudy]

A bunch of shit you never asked for

My mind was going at a mile a minute last night for hours and has been ever since before then and hasn’t stopped except for occasional deep sleep naps. So I feel the need to write down half the things that I was thinking because I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable talking to these days and unless I write down my thoughts I’m never going to sleep again, which makes my depression worse and then I just cut again and again and I ain’t in the mood for that shit.

So here’s a bunch of shit you never asked for*

*Note, I really want to buy a notebook to write all my thoughts in, so I don’t have to deal with computer battery and crap, but I haven’t found The One yet. I don’t know why but notebooks and sketchbooks have personalities to me, which is why I don’t write these things in the sketchbooks I already have. That’s not for them.

My dream location is to go to Prague. God I love the idea of going to Prague. i’ve travelled a lot in my relatively short life thanks to my dad constantly having to travel in order for work and said work expenses being paid so he can actually do shit, but ive never gone where ive wanted to go. I want to see the looming gothic structures of Prague, i want to see what became of bohemia after fascism, i want to see it all. i want to read gormenghast too, i really want to read that.

i think i came up with the reason why no matter what im always lonely. im a secondary friend for just about everyone i know. it’s at a point where they will talk to me for days and hours and ill learn so much about them and feel like they care about me without my having said anything and then they go away to a new favorite for at least a month, and i am secondary. i am there to talk about the primary and nothing more. and every now and then they remember that i exist and i have mental illness and i am in pain and alone and have never had anyone really there, and they try to come back and be my friend but we both dont know how, and in the time that theyve been gone ive tried to teach myself to hate them. i can’t be their friend after ive tried to hate them in order to remember that i never told them anything of importance and we never really were friends.

everyone else in my life is somewhere ahead of me. i dont mean in the stereotypical path of life, i mean in what i want. i want so badly to find love and to not be alone and to experience freedom but i never will and my friends already have it. they’re not exactly able to relate to me without me feeling dead inside. because they have signification others, or are okay without significant others, or know that they are attractive to people so that even if there’s no one good enough there yet, they know they’ll find someone. I’m so far behind and I feel constantly dejected and condescended to. People will talk to each other and they’ll say things like “so i know you’ll understand because you have a boyfriend...” and they’ll talk to me about how in love they are and ask me for romance advice and i just want to die right there because im so alone and unloved and i never will find that kind of relationship.

And it’s impossible to think anyone ever will find me attractive. I work so hard to lose weight and be healthy, and I think i’m getting somewhere and then i find out i’ve gained back half the weight i lost and i just want to hide myself forever and die and never show my face to the light of day. im so ugly, and my body is covered in scars and stretch marks and i’m still too fat for the amount of exercise i do and my age, and there’s nothing i can do without drastic change or eating things that make me throw up (no not laxatives. food that is considered healthy for whatever reason has made me gag and throw up since i was a little girl). and i just hate it so much because i work so hard to be healthy and lose weight and nothing really matters and i’ll never reach my goals. and we had to present a lab to the class in anatomy and i was one of the subjects and ive never felt more disgusted with myself and the teacher asked why we didnt use BMI for our experiment (she meant it innocently though) and it felt like a knife sinking into my chest, i felt so singled out for being so huge. I hate being so tall and so fat. If you’re short and fat, it evens out and you can be cute. if you’re tall and fat, then you’re this awful creature that takes up space and is barely human and is considered some kind of neanderthalic idiot. most of my friends think im proud of being tall because i constantly joke about it, but i really hate it. i wish i was small and compact and didnt stretch off the end of the bed or be too big for some blankets to cover. 

and colleges are starting to respond again and i dont want to hear back from them. people keep congratulating me that 5 colleges have accepted me and while i know that’s better than some, my top colleges have an acceptance rate that’s almsot 40% lower than the colleges that accepted me and i need money.

and my mom keeps stressing me out because she talks to me about our financial problems (and refuses my offers of help) and trying to plan out things for next year when my dad has to be in singapore for 6 months, some of which is while my sister and i will be in college, and they cant do anything until they know what im doing, but i cant know what im doing until ive heard back from all my colleges, and shes acting as though it’s my fault that i probably wont get accepted to those schools, while my dad is still denying the fact that it was almost impossible in the first place for me to be accepted in those selective schools and making me feel guilty for the fact that i probably will be rejected.

but rejection is something im used to at this point.

i missed 2 days on my antidepressant meds because i didnt tell my mom how low i was on meds until very late, and i didnt want to admit to her that i had forgotten because she constantly yells at me about it, and i didnt want her to stress about getting the meds, and i felt no difference off the meds and i wonder why.

people always tell me im a really empathetic person and i wonder how true that is. i care about and relate to and want to know them, but im so egotistical and self centered i doubt that’s true.

my sister was home for a week and i love her a lot so it was theoretically wonderful, but i always forget that she sees me as her lesser so i always feel worse about myself whenever shes here. i love her so much, shes always been my savior and closest friend, but im good for nothing to her except as a placeholder until something better shows up or as a pawn in her screaming arguments with my dad.

Speaking of my dad i finally came to my conclusion about him, and actually talked about it with my sister and we agreed on a theory about why he hates us: he adores our mom (which he does), and she always wanted kids so he was happy to oblige, and he wanted kids too, but boys, or at the very least STEM geeks or athletes. We’re both none of those. and he doesnt care about us beyond toting his legacy, and if we dont do a good enough job of that he doesnt care about us at all.

i finally got my license saturday before last, and i was so happy because i always felt excluded by people because i wasnt able to drive myself places and would always have to ask for a usually unavailable ride. but then the minute i got my license, people stopped doing things and only ask me for my availability for times that ive already told them im unavailable for. it’s like when i got my license a mass text went out to everyone i know warning them that i could transport myself now, and they shouldnt plan anything in case i show up.

another big thing was supposed to happen last week that would have at least been something to try and help my weird obsession with being excluded: we were going to go to the phone store and trade in my samsung galaxy for an iphone. i wanted an iphone, no matter the number/age/condition, for no reason other than i wanted to be able to have group texts/chats. every single camp or class i went to, the people who i got on with would make a group chat. and of course, i couldnt be a part of it. part of me thinks of it as a thats life kind of thing. the other part remembers that no one was a particular fan of me anyway, and they probably were more than happy to not be in contact with me.

it didnt happen and i dont know if im grateful or sad.

[ayatanskywalker4u]

NO ONE CAN BLAME YOU FOR WALKING AWAY

Does the story end when we go? Does love die if the pages stop turning? I hope so because Im in pain. How do u tell someone "you cheated 1st"? I slept with two women and the other I still love. I read her tumblr page when she wasnt looking, its not like i was the greatest guy. She said stuff like i said mean things. I know i did. Like a kid throwing a tantrum because i dreamed of a future. You know, having kids a house, maybe a dog. If i didnt love her why risk going to jail to save her life? Her father threatened to call the cops on me when i banged on the door yelling and crying shouting "SHES DYING" it was raining that night like some movie and me running through it. We were always there for eachother whether it was a prayer or a hand. I asked her to marry me and she said yes, that was somewhere in the middle.

Theres a lot that happened, some NSFW stuff that happened to her. I could see it breaking her. And when we finally met again she was laughing about some of the graphic content. She told me the old her was dead, like she was just looking past me. Like the night she was dying from an overdose. She didnt see the man that loves her. She only saw what she wanted to see.

When the ambulance took her away i met her the next day in the hospital ward. I will always remember this because as i turned away from her hand i felt her standing there almost begging me not to leave. I had to go, i joined the military.

What went through my mind during that moment was does she love me, then why didnt she call me before the pills? And she's slept with other men to boot. But i was always there even if it made me mad.

There was this other girl, Ebony. She was pretty but so was Ashley. I wanted to try getting back at her for running around. And no i didnt go to bed with Ebony after Ashley's incident. Not right after. I still shouldnt have. "He who touches a women divored commiteth adultery." The same goes for man. I sinned against my very heart which was Ashley and now she hates me.

Im not the type to go get a new dog when we have to put down o'l yeller. When my dog Ginger died i never replaced her. Can you replace a son or a daughter, a father or mother? Can you replace the person you almost lost your life for? I guess the question is should you though. I hate sounding like im giving up on what i believe in. I love ginger and i believe in a better place.

I stayed gone to military training until 2010. Ashley called in the beginning to see if i was alright. I was still mad at her. Was she sleeping with others even though i wasnt around even Ebony? Lol no but ebony was sleeping against me and Ashley even stalked her to find out for me. I thought she was manipulating my emotions. That was the beginning of our downfall. I called her, Ashley, right around my graduation. I was outside of a hotel the privates threw a party at. I missed her and decided to go outside and call her. She was with some other man sadly. Probably doing some NSFW with him as my heart breaks. She laughed at me over the phone, like hey Ash come on its OB. Im still here. I graduated but the woman i love left me.

After the military i called her every now and again. She wouldnt pick up most of the time. I joined the conservation corps and just decided to wait until she asked me to come over. My heart was racing when she asked to talk, funny enough i believe i quit there right beforehand.

We talked about a lot of stuff. Mainly she talked about the guy and the NSFW stuff. All while looking off in the distance just smiling and giggling about how he made her scream and broke the cheap Walmart bed. I was getting upset. Holding my tongue. But when she told me her father touched her, thats when i cracked. I laughed at her pain because it seemed like she was ignoring mine. I missed her forever and a day and she was just, idk she was something, a happy i wouldnt call happy. I spent the night i think, even tried to pull a night with her but its like she just hated me. The last time i recalled ever seeing her was the hospital. She must have held the hospital and ebony against me.

Fast forward to the next day she drops me off at my house. As i stare at her wondering whats going on in her head, probably the dudes equipment, she reaches out and tries to hug me. I pushed her hands away, like she just wanted me to feel like everything was going to be alright. She only wanted to chase tail. Like all those moments over the years we were together didnt matter. I know she was talkin to someone else, i felt like i couldnt "satisfy" her anymore in a way. She definitely didnt like my moves the night before. I watched her get back in the car and drive off.

Some years passed and we lost the house. I overdosed on i think excedrin. That was the night she wouldnt pick up her phone. Funny enough that bottle wasnt enough to finish the job. The cycle of wanting to die when you lose a love like a dog, pig, cow, man women, whatever its hard to kill unless you have hope.

I gathered my senses and decided to leave california for Minnesota. The week prior was bad though. I started hallucinating and i heard voices. I started developing schizophrenia, and destroyed my mothers house due to it. Back to the following week im leaving for Minnesota and Tony tells me he has a gun he wants to sell. I figure i'd buy it when i get paid. You guessed it, im looking to make the job quick. Ashley didnt love me anymore. She wont miss me anyways. I Know how to pull an M9 apart blind folded and put it back together within seconds. I know the central nervous system is what you aim for. Its in the back of the skull at the nape of the neck. You'd leave this world in seconds. I know it sounds grim but come on, its better than commiting adultery against my heart. Who wants to live and suffer at the same time?

Tony saw me brandishing the piece and hid it from me i was crying about what i had done to everyone.

Tony ended up ditching me in Minnesota, luckily it wasnt my first time eating out of a trash can. Home is where you make it. Some people at the shelter became my friends and we played guitars together. But i wasnt as good with the guitar as i am now.

Salvation army was my first job in Minnesota, i was just happy again. I grew my hair out and styled it down, not like Prince and less greasy. After work id go get a drink. I worked that job for about two months i know because my birthday had passed and i believe i turned 25.

2015 came down and i still was asking god what now. I was skinny and handsome playing the guitar with a job. There were women who'd look and stare and some thought i was full of myself. The truth is i just wanted to be able to hold ashley if she ever fell in my arms. I was kinda muscly. I always told myself that one day her legs will fail but id be ready, the muscles werent just for show.

I hit on a few women but i never chased. Id go to the library every now and again to read. And then it hit me, even though i had no cell phone i could use the computers, Ashley was the 1st thing on my mind. I called, i dont think she answered but messaged back. She sounded angry. She was pregnant is what she was. Little did i know. All said and done she left me feeling more empty than i had planned. I started getting angry at God, "if you control everything and move everything, why are you moving me toward Ashley? She doesnt even see the love anymore or remember the sacrifices."

The train to the mall was coming by soon. I went to the liquor store with a plan. Buy as much fireball whiskey as i can consume and jump off of the mall of america. The train was sluggish, probably because i had been drinking. I fell into a doze just before the last stop, "The Mall of America". I woke up and walked slowly, tipsy, toward the elevators to the 6th floor. I heard a voices as i walked to the ledge. I turned around to see if anyone was watching me, my back against the guard rail. I climbed on top and looked down, liquor really did help. I turned my head up and told God "you want my life? You can have it". I let go of my hands back toward the earth and fell asleep.

When i woke up it was about 2 weeks later. My vision was blurry but i made out my mom crying on my chest. I slowly reached and touched her scalp. She didnt know i woke up. Short lived, i went back to sleep. Not just my mom was there but my sister too. They drove from California. How did they find me with no ID?

I stayed in that hospital for 3 months, due to my injuries and placed in the psych ward. My family visited me every few months. All that was going through my head is 'I'm alive" it took me a while to figure out how to use my legs being one has nerve damage now. But i started walking before my bones could fully fuse. The nurses told me to stop.

After i gained disability and got placed in housing, i bought a game to occupy my time. No more work outs, no more running, just me trying to forget the reasons i gave up on life. A couple months to about a year later my mother asks if i want to leave the housing and save the disability money. I said yes to that. I didnt know they'd take me back to california on my birthday. It was a nostalgic drive.

I picked up a walking routine and decided talking to ashley was always going to end with her thinking about my faults. I stopped calling her for probably 4-5 years no messages, nothing.

One day my mom asks if i want to go for a ride and talk. We drove until we reached the on ramp she passes me her phone with a picture of Ashley holding a baby. It was Zipporah. What should i have felt? If ashley is dead why did ashley hold onto the dream? And share it with someone who just left her holding the bag. I couldnt believe it after how hard we tried to bring her into this world.

But i cant chase Ashley anymore, i cant even run, literally.

I didnt know if she was married or not to the dude all i know is his ass wasnt in any pictures with the baby. Ive done some searchin around, he was some dead beat who'd prey on women revealing there weak sides on the internet instead of reality. Yeah I never liked virtual dating. That or the websites. Why do for me what i can do myself?

Even after zipporah was in my view i was a happy mad. Happy that Ashley finally got her family minus the father. But mad at the whoremonger man who just left her. I was a little sore with Ashley for hiding it.

Its been a a year and a couple months after the pictures were seen. I started forcing the thought of Ashley out. I wanted her to disappear, me or her, but mainly me. She wants to chase body parts thats on her. But Im broken now. I still love her and sure some might say less than before but i say im just skeptical now. Besides what good is seeing me broken going to do for her? Idk if she'd just laugh at me again. I kinda wish she would, so i can take these feelings and curse the day she ever earned my love.

Whats the point in arguing though. We were so happy until people stepped in and sabotaged our emotions. You hate me for cheating, laughing at what happened between the father and you and walking away. When i should have stayed. I forgave all the crap in the past. But im almost done.

The doctors told me i dont have much time left after my jumping act. I messed up my innards pretty good. The alcohol relaxed the impact though. I dont want to tell my mother, she'd flip over what im talking about. I think i can close the book on this life well too.

Even though i didnt get to help raise the dreams we shared i learned you still held onto dead things just to keep the dream alive. Ashley is alive in there somewhere, only ashley would name that baby zipporah.

I can leave happy.

[dwdelaney-blog]

5/1

was right ashcroft - was right to be worried - it was about usattys and killing my case. the fbi is obligated to defend the doj  when it has obtained a judgement - if the matter is pending the doj will argue to uphold the judgement - in the regular appeal process - this is not complicated - it is the way its supposed to be - but everything seems upside down in my case - gop args wits are treasonous - natsec risks - a counterintel inv takes place - lasting many years - they get nothing - which brings us today - the ashcroft bedside - the firing of comey sends shockwaves through fbi - and doj - thats why - agag and card want to blow up my case and need ashcrofts signature - hes drugged up and in a hosp bed - ashcroft tells agag & card to get the sig from comey - hes designated comey as interim ag - the context is - ashcroft is not in the hosp for the flu - i think he may require surgery - its pancreatitus - i think hes under a lot of medication and they need to take the thing out or something - note esp the rel b/t card and rove - and goodling - sampson etc. - agag is not a great legal mind right - and rove is pulling strings at doj - and its obvious in the names of the replacements - you dont need to be a sleuth or a legal scholar - note the rel between the fitz inv - and kjell - and cellini - springfieldconsulting - think about the timing - all this stuff is happening at the same time - it has all passed now - the truth of the situation has been concealed and those that might say anything have met with lots of bad luck - unfortunate things of a mysterious nature - kind of like me -

5/3/19

We have wisc - badgers - the nra speech - in his speech a couple days ago - quoted on this page - it was mentioned - the dems - the opposition - the people that are not us - have - this or that - cant remember what the first part is - but trump at some point says - we have wisconsin - in the context of the speech it is implied to mean a reference to winning the state of wi - in the 2016 election - hes saying - scoreboard - im winning wi - what hes really saying is - we - you and me - the people in this room - are going to prevail in the conflict regarding my case - the rico trial scrp - the counterintel inv - doubling down on the rico case - what hes saying is we are going to win - we are going to defeat dennis delaney and anyone that would want to help him - because we have wi - badgers - mi - thats what hes saying - thats what i took from it and i dont think im wrong - thats exactly how the people in that room took it - what that means is that hes saying im willing to use mi in a judicial conflict - in a purely partisan effort to derail the case - and to put pressure on delaney - to concede and claim that all the chem and wasted time has been all one big misunderstanding - not going to happen - im not going to concede - hes saying he will use mi to prevail in a legal conflict he already lost - a trial based on the notion that mi was being misused for political reasons -

Joliet jake - scc - criminal record - chad jacobs - dont know that guy - never met this guy - claimed link to consent - jacob engels - jake as consent - ie how is everything - i found out when people run a background check for employment reasons - my name came back as a felon - have talked about this - its possible this is just a typo or something - bad luck - worth noting though - the jake thing is a strawberry link - winston - from what i understand - winston attys may sometimes be referred to as strawberrys - dont know anything about this - regardless - the thing about the criminal record - the county bldg - the jail - scrp - winston - thompson - chigop - thompson alums - greco baise vala - possible that defs claim at trial chad jacobs is link to consent - if so - ive never met that guy - never even seen him - they knew theyd lose -

Take article from todays globe - police ot and judge says - why not charge as rico - this sounds like rico - the judge is saying - i hear cases charging rico that dont sound this good - if shes saying this out loud - in public - after hearing the facts of the case - and shes questioning why the case isnt plead as rico - literally questioning the prosecutor - and he stumbles - and can only say the facts dont support it - he must be implying facts not offered into evidence that are exculpatory - which should have been mentioned - either way - defs claim I shouldnt arg rico - doj shouldnt charge rico - defs arg doj should not pursue the rico from my complaint. First response - theyre biased - second - its in my complaint - third - they win - fourth - they dont try to argue - they knew theyd lose - all this arg is after the fact - defs say lets solve this thing in court - until they lose - now wh says - lets do this thing in public - what hes saying is - no here on delaney - fudd - no hurry - indefinite detention - the dems should stage an intervention -

And note the art re insys - exec charged criminally for opioid case - bribes docs to rx known addictive substance - xa cocaine on garbage bags - doj - someone said i couldnt buy my food - and see cocaine on the floors and walls in jail - thats why i couldnt feel my hands and feet - and then they want to claim im an addict - balzekas - lots to talk about here - chant - angels - just trying to help people - vala - ni - see remarks re wi - chants of trumpence - rinkman - dennispmoore - wpp - that dude is in the power business - being able to fuck up my life - makes him look good - note links to thompson alums - chigop - greco baise vala - chamber - the chants of trumpence is a reference to clockwork orange - angels - good samaritans - xa sembler seed - addiction frame - cheney comment re spkr -

Unite the right - no here - needletrades - cellini busted - xa - cellini vala - rivkcs - karl kemme - cletus - clute - hecla - galv ports cleat - longies - ierc - ororke - obscene phone calls - gwb admin - perry homicidal threats frame - agriculture - ecole - agricolae - ffa - farm bro - fibro - farm chem - glyphosate - xa op - cunningham - heffe ron - cifa - usattys - mcds - ronde santis - swimmers - sharktopus - lincoln era gop - roddavis lincoln historian - ala - chamber ic - sd mitrovich - cits club - rudy davenport - no hurry - dennis consents - no one is making us stop - he will have to live like this until he gives up his case - until he gives us what we want - wes barr - tr sembler - bully -

5/4/19

Txgop - cornyn - cruz - tx22 - perry as agdir - agricolae - kid rock - duane johnson - i was put in jail on a charge of burglary - specifically breaking and entering - b & e - xa bennis elaine - b&e - benny and the jetts - pope benedict - ace lebrity we can get behind - dutton bonilla - sylvester lanning - thompson - edgar - reineke - thompson alums links to edgar - greco baise vala - richardhart - cellini - celletti - 404th chem - karl kemme - tx is usarec - tx22 - deps - galv - vester - rocky - sere guy - laffers - houpd - complaint sent to homicide - they knew i wasnt a terrorist - nix alums and political opponents of lbj - txgop - my moms family is related to lbj johnsons - i think - note also my dads family is somehow linked to wp - not by blood - my dads mom remarries a guy that has a son that worked at wp - dont know anything about my dads dad - for that matter dont know anything about grandmothers husband in chi - when i visited - all i understand is what other people seem to imply - indirectly - i think some of that talk is overstated - be that as it may - i believe that is the basis of the shark smear stuff - what thats hiding is the attack on me linked to opposition to txdems and the wp - nix fans dont like wp - txgop dont like fans of lbj - they can fuck with me and its like retaliation for the impeachment of nix - and txgop hates txdems - i honestly dont know why the people doing this to me are doing it - it doesnt matter - they are not being honest about how it started - I have been as honest as i can possibly be - it is the defendants that have continued to be completely dishonest about what has put us in this situation - the fact is they are simply unwilling to admit that what they have been doing to me is wrong - this thing has been going on a long time - longer than it should - longer than it needs to - i am committed to speaking out against the untruth of the defendants - I dont consent to addiction frame thing - its an excuse to browbeat me into giving up my case - whos extorting who - that fig leaf is getting smaller - i honestly dont know how thing ends - the people doing this to me will be exposed for what they are - understand that - lanning and rock - vest - galv - 123 oclock - sleep deprivation - haley - barber - schaive and a herr cut - ronde santis - hefferon - james elmer mitchell - sere guy - spk - spkattys - clute - cletus - herschell krustovsky - krusteil - steil - scso - sideshow bob - night mgr - 3d shift - they put me in jail - cleat galv ports - tx might muffler - cand was usmc - nabors - xa ed smith is tx - regional - and note link from delay to shim - shim factory work in tx - actually sent on job at shim factory - xa charlotte job in cape - halliburton in galv - cheney - scooter - razor scooter - schaive and a herr cutt - crazy pete hoekstra - zito link to ovp - cellnet - meters - bunn - sangamo meters - the nix link - targeting me is seen as payback for impeachment of nix - nix alums - cheney - rummy - copeland - fox ailes - simpsons - team mack - lemon tree - san clemente - while at loft -  link to san clemente - loft girl - loft was radicalization frame - terr frame - xa bunn in oc - bunn at nursing home mulvaney - the  2franks - mcds poison is real - note mcds links - and execs - go away - legoland - judgement against mcds carlyle held in esgrow - remititur - schaive and a herr cutt - leggo my eggo - whos extorting who - the stuff on sere guy - rach - 123 oclock - happy days - political campaigns - advertising - wpp - pr - elections - burson - altria - winston - thompson - note esp what happened with judgement re tobacco - politics and doj - see how that works - same thing has happened to me - note slugger in the ussen - and rauner kingmaker - mel sembler - seed - addiction frame - chants of trumpence - kurtz is new guy at usccb - wojcicki is at sherriffs - cle wife picks austin as adj gen - hes ierc - ierc - airc onditioning - rett - atl - airborne - sjh - spfldconsulting - shg - shgcoaches - shgfootball - chi mckenna - big shoulders - gregory goes to dc - from atl - alton dio - stl - alton belle - saved by the bell - shs - centaurs - ackermann senterfitt - duane gibson - terry nelson - swift and blessing - kjell bc04 - ilgop - chi chamber - huizenga - servicemaster - franchises - chem - lon - wolfman - cheney - lonewolf frame - mace paolino - garbage - burson - cheney - joliet morning star - rpg gods - stl mi - 10th mi - roth dragoo - ilfopngaoi - gnuteck is right - dirt - mrt - roger stone is nix - jacob engels - bullhorn - ftl - berc - breck girl - perc - security guards - vala - perc - ierc - rice - arroz - war - sleep deprivation - night owls - hair falling out in ftl - urinary tract infection - reineke - wpp - ilgop - h/k - spflconsulting - scb - scso - rico - 1983 - equal protection - due process - 42 usc 241/242 - i was right - there are wrong - they cant admit what they did - what they are doing - they cant stop - the po is upside down on this thing - that fig leaf is going to get smaller - im making it samller - the maga hat means this - make the ag - into ga - reverse the the course of the ag - flip the ag - blow up my case from the inside - like tobacco -  

[sh-lan]

OMFG LAST QUARTER EVER + some spring break stuff???

Took a weekend off of life Retail therapy at its finest today Even though new jeans were overdue

It’s crazy how it still came I guess it’s a force of nature But omg it’s gonna be here on the concert T^T

This nerd would have mitsuha’s theme on his playlist smh #nochu

April 2nd, 2017 BTS Wings Tour I still can’t believe it happened I’ve been awake since 8am lol and it’s like 1:54am and i’m still trying to process and remember everything that happened today It felt like a dream! I can’t believe I saw them in real life. ohmygod Hands down, easily one of the best day of this week - if not this entire year so far holy shit will continue this tomorrow as i reminisce ok but one thing i noticed is that jungkook’s thighs are actually so real like wtf? shookt EDIT: lol i never finished this but oh well

oop i just bought more rings goodbye money

my charger broke gg time to get another one

I have a newfound appreciation for the color pink or more like my appreciation for pink is coming back

When you get anxious because bts hasnt posted on twitter for 3 days but then you also know they’re resting and that they deserve this break

SPRING QUARTER LEGGO tu/th schedule let’s hope this all works well keke

week 1 recap tuesday - sees everybody in freaking AB LOL sees harry after walking out of my tdpw sees alana and dylan outside my global health class which alana is also taking, and becca and tanya lOL goes to cogs 122 to find chen screaming my name - also vania and stella <3 last class is normal - with nobody in management BUT LOL LEIGHTON ADDED THE CLASS ON THURSDAY HAHA there’s also this girl in my tdpw class who looks like lindsay lohan and her name is also lindsey but with an e cause i saw it on the email lol not a stalker

Decided to gel nails it out friday of week 1 whut whut

First attempt at 양념치킨~

been using the soundtrack of your name this past week to get over pcd it’s been a week and i still haven’t recovered T^T

went to kbbq with harry! lol week 1 sunday started at manna….having an adventure in between at manna keke “started here and ending it here?” LOL

currently craving anything strawberry

don’t understand why i need to have my email as a send&receive in order to sms to work on my laptop bb why are you being stubborn when you’ve been working fine all this time

under yuri’s recommendation, i microwaved my coffee because it was lukewarm and she called me extra LOL

i’m getting nervous about a presentation when i shouldn’t be because ?? my AB service leader self is like completely gone i wanna crawl into a hole

i just finished season 2 and 3 of htgawm in less than a week… how they gonna do season 4 i wonder

Week 2 thursday I was actually really looking forward to class today Also my rings came! Though were they worth the $50….not so sure Were they cute? Yes But not as cute as the other one T^T So i mustnt give in to temptations nowww

I found out what matcha powder mom uses to make their matcha latte Cappuccine frappe mix But it’s sadly not on amazon ):

This new tumblr function is really inconvenient cause i cant tell how many thing i have on queue brcause i have to keep switching blogs -_-

Han came to visit! Friday Papa johns Saturday Snooze brunch Infinitea Abeh hangout In n out Sunday Aquarium! Koon thai Ramen yamadaya Boba bar and then i drove him to irvine where we got coco curry! and then i drove back and he bought me milk tea with pudding

Had an epiphany It’s not anenome It’s anemone

Omg but like why dont people call spoiler alerts “spoilerts”

Started 13 reasons why with Han Finished it, tuesday week 3 Hmmm How to feel

finished strong woman park hyung sik is so…adorable? IT’S SO WEIRD. HIS AEGYO LEVEL IS INSANE

When you realize that 둘! 셋! is probably the title of the fan song because that’s what BTS always say when they introduce themselves And that BTS + ARMY forever ㅠㅠㅠㅠ I’m not crying r u crying ;___;

어떻게

Omg when you wake up for reorientation and jungkook does lives <3

highkey need to crawl into a hole tbh

You know what i want to do? Go to an olive garden Even though i know it’ll taste bad lol

Not really sure what i want… But i dont want my 4 years to be a waste ):

i….skipped out on an interview today was it the right choice i may never know

most recent ep of snk got me fucked up SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT YMIR AND CHRISTA’S RELATIONSHIP IS WHO IS CHRISTA

Lol i hella bombed my quiz GOODBYE GONNA P/NP HAHA

Week 4 weekend Fuck me in the ass i twisted my ankle and i am in irvine had to pop an advil and cruise control all the way back thank god there weren’t many cars lol 0/10 do not recommend

Slept on the couch the past two days to elevate my ankle Glad to be back in bed But i think i might be a little…sick? Fuck Need to grocery shop

Dammit i got called for jury duty

Ok but i twisted my ankle and two recruiters emailed me back the next day so was it really a loss

Week 5 i’m sick…

just watched 5 centimeters per second a little sadder than i was an hour ago

fuck i forgot that my jeans are new and i washed it and my pink shirt is ruined fml triggered

thursday after rolling over ma ankle i can finally see that it is a lil swollen and there is bruising LOL also saw an owl at school today and a bunny while leaving to go to meeting

week 5 tuesday saw two bunnies on my way out to school

I just saw two hummingbirds! 😍

I cant believe yuri and i finished twenty SMH

ABCD today Some qualitee photos were taken Im tired now

Really debating the 4th term

third day of back pain flexibility dying wow what is happening???

…..army 4th term is $75 cries EDIT: it’s $66 because i forgot exchange rate but still cri EDIT EDIT: it’s $45 if i ship it to taiwan - seriously really highkey considering that now oh dear

bro i think i just experienced katawaredoki whut

i keep thinking that my ankle is ok but i always end up doing something that ends up hurting it like hella im

Week 6 thursday last leadership meeting one of my favorite meetings because whoa INFORMATION!? it was nice wanted to discuss and add in my two cents but i honestly just wasn’t able to wrap my head around everything loool then…we decided to go to PB LOL chen, jeong, yuri, justin and his friends (including nicole, nicole, sandy) and then more people. we also met leslie, brett, dexter, allison, kenny, peter, abby, ben…and more? at pb lolol and also we saw miguel and anthony - it was like a freshman year flashback tbh lOL went to vallartas after and then came home to shower and finally sleep at 3:30am wot is life NEXT DAY ADVENTURES - leighton and i finally pulled out the weeds and now we’re tired

salty that i wasnt invited to the birthday celebration, not that i would really make the trip per say but wtf gurl

I just had this really sad thought that i’m probably never gonna ever get to know bts like friends y i do dis to meself

Wait so like i got sick while at clew’s and it didnt happen until week 5 and so i was sick from week 5 through week 6 and at this one point i couldnt taste my food it was terribad

May 12th I bought the membership LOL Hopefully it mails it correctly back to Taiwan ☺️

im dumb i didn’t save the color i wanted for my hair

omg the song vania recommended to me a few days ago was recommended by jungkook like a year or so ago on twitter lOOOOL

Just tryna level up here :<

Struggles when places are in the east coast and phone calls are early in the fckin morning

Note to self: Ridge cut potato chips with sea salt is good for stuff with dip Ridge cut salt and pepper is good for regular eating, but gets salty at the bottom LOL EDIT: per vania’s suggestion, i salted and peppered my chips

watching jungkook’s vlive AND HE JUST HARMONIZED WITH HIMSELF IM DED

Just woke up from a dream where someone hurt my brother/nade him fall and i was so angry? Was about to go ape shit on that person im ded lol who is rhis angry me

Rewatched and finished reply 1997 Wow what is life when yoon jae is life But also what is life when your idols are life Daily reminder to not be as obsessed as shiwon LOLOL

i can’t go to giraffage and elephante anymore im on the otherhand i get to go to virginia???

lol but like i haven’t been writing drafts because i often write in my notebook now but here are some updates - my nails are constantly chipping - forgot about grad photos that clashed with the weekend han is coming - im ded because i probs won’t have a weekend to myself until week 10 - struggles to figure out graduation things - paid my $54 to walk #mostexpensivewalkever

LAST LEADERSHIP MEETING (turnover) what am i going to do with my thursday nights now? it’s been a good run

Jealous of the staff that holds and records the camera during vlives? LOL who am i

When you forget that jeon jungkook did taekwondo before Hnnnngh

i just reaffirmed? or discovered? that i don’t like fruity pebbles o_o

Trying to think of a thing to put on my grad cap Tis hard Let’s make a list: 花樣年華 Strong power thank you You never walk alone Ireumeun deborah LOL Lol omg but why is yoongi’s “cheater never win but i just graduated” quote so appropriate for grad EXTRA + ORDINARY* Lost my way/found my way* Click clack to the bang Smile with me, cry with me, fly with me (you make me begin, you made me again) Ctrl+c, ctrl+v do you know “____” (hci? annyeonghasaeyo) To lose your path, Is the way to find that path* 꽃길만 걷자* Let’s fly with our beautiful wings in 2017 EDIT: i’m too lazy, i didn’t do anything to my cap lOL

Im shookt cause namjoon doesnt say 이제 feelin the vibe. HE SAYS IF YOU FEELIN THE VIBE. I feel…betrayed

Non whitewashed bangtan gives me life

May 21st My first haircut since… Since i got it cut over the summer?????

Bought me stole and tassel today Smh that i cant grab my muir tickets?? Cause i ordered all commencwment tickets SMH

Lowkey afraid of not passing mgt LOL

Omfg i knew we were going to have a pop quiz. It really happened

nicole and evelyn commented that they liked my hair and audrey and malia agreed i gotta say i’m so glad people remember me in my tdpw class LOOL

Cant get the seventeen song outta my head Shookt by the choreography

Y'all im so fckin shookt First the chainsmokers post on twitter like “see you in the summer” Then they win the BBMAs like a boss Then you see them on halsey + steve aoki’s snapchat Next things you know steve aoki is postin shit like “BTS x AOKI COMING SOON” Im SCREAMING

Yo my lyft driver dropped some knowledge again and told me his life story lmao he was a police officer in chicago and he was forced to retired and then ?? after chasing down a rapist and getting into a fight, he was seriously injured. but his dad (a judge or someone powerful idk) forced him out of retirement by telling everyone to not give him his benefits and shit and i was like. whoa bro. slow down? “embrace the unknown”

I finally tried the coconut black tie at peet’s 10/10 a mistake

Okay but can we talk about how on point everybody looked in the comeback Esp wonwoo and dk But also vernon 👌🏼

First time in virginia/ being so close to washington dc! Whoa Also gonna pass by texas too :O Knocking some states off my list

I WITNESSED MY FIRST CIRCLE RAINBOW THINGY ON THE PLANE FROM VIRGINIA TO DALLAS TODAY HOLY IT WAS V COOL

i don’t know why i never realized this about myself before but i need to be/live by a body of water at all times or i won’t feel comfortable this is weird

i told han i joined the fanclub and he like died for like 2 seconds lOL

ok but like i bought a carton of eggs and 6 or 7 of them were double yolks and i have 2 more eggs left im starting to think i’m eating some weird hybrid chickens EDIT: those last two eggs were both double yolks. this was a wild adventure

omg i knew that the TA MOST LIKELY RYAN WOULDNT UNDERSTAND OUR IDEA JUST LIKE HOW HE ALWAYS MISINTERPRETS THEM??? like what kind of constructive feedback is that if he doesn’t understand what we’re trying to do im… sigh

Already excited about the festa But like omfg they released the schedule today And just WE DONT TALK ANYMORE PT 2?? SO FAR AWAY FEATURING JIN AND JUNGKOOK? Im IM SCREAMING also sad but the radio show is right before my finals gotta prioritize, no bts fo me ;__;

after waiting two weeks, my application to get leveled up was rejected *cries* time to try again! *^*

okay but really feeling seventeen’s song as well as suran’s song like hIGHKEY

i finally got my commencement tickets the third time that i went to the bookstore third time’s the charm right? also whytf is the parking pass for all campus commencement so huge -_-

hnngh omg that feel when you have hella shit to do TPDW1 final play due week 9 friday because we won’t have class at all on week 10 then there’s the presentation (elevator pitch) that happened today week 9 thursday but also just hauling ass on things for A5 tbh what is this what is everything wot is the meaning of life when vania and i stay up till 3:30am lol… and then there’s me. tired af but didn’t sleep til 4:30 anyways cause i’m a dumbass l e l let’s not be a potato this last week k?

burger king in pc has its own free wifi called WhopperWifi and it’s so much faster than school wifi this is revolutionary

week 9 weekend to irvine irritated on the way over irritated on the way back lol wot is life i should’ve just turned around to go back home

NO TDPW1 WEEK 10 WOOT wow that means i won’t have class until 2pm whoa

“why are you reading math formulas” - yuri i was actually reading bts profiles lOLOL she just dissed their handwritings

Just spent the past hour or so looking at kakao friends merchandise And discovering that apeach is a genetically modified peach lol

that moment when you ask for a png file but get a jpg

dyed my hurr twice today for a darker shade still not what i was going for but this will do for now

Omfg i slept through my alarm until 1pm Goodbye study time?? Also omg i like it pt 2 video SHIT SHIT SHIT THEY KNOW WE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS. HAD IT SINCE BAEPSAE DAYS. BUT DIDNT RELEASE IT. Freakin bighit

My request to level up on the fancafe has once again been rejected ); EDIT: oMFG IT’S BECAUSE I DIDN’T CHANGE THE SETTING TO SOMETHING im screaming, what a first world problem THIRD TIME’S THE CHARM AMIRITE

Doesnt feel like it… But thursday was my last time going to class…pretty much like ever unless i go to more school Holy shit

Oh man I didnt think i’d have THAT much shit. But…i think i have A LOT of shit….

saw bts MBIT and i was like omfg! knew that i was INFJ but took the test again yesterday and ended up INFP….but just barely P so i think i’ll stick with INFJ lol EDIT: i took the test again today because vania and yuri were talking about it again and i am still INFP…and more P this time. SO LOST. WHO AM I

put my things up for sale i forgot that i might need my light el oh el crying on the inside cause i want to keep my desk but then i’m selling it off because i don’t think i’ll have space for it and i just CRYING ON THE INSIDE BECAUSE IT’S BEEN WITH ME FOR SO LONG T^T

ON ANOTHER NOTE. THIRD TIME IS THE CHARM LEVELED UP ON JUNE 12TH AT ONE SOMETHING AM

JUNE 12TH FINISHED MY FIRST AND LAST FINAL I AM OFFICIALLY DONE WITH MY UNDERGRADUATE CAREER??? also lmao i spent 45 min on the final wot

i dyed my hair darker but now it’s become lighter? wait wtf wait no go back EDIT: wait no it went back to being dark? is this a thing? when i get exposed to the sun it gets lighter and when i sleep it gets darker??? smh at light for fckin with me

so i set an alarm to watch the bts home party last night for like 3:57am and i didn’t hear it but i guess i kinda did cause i woke up at 4:05am and was like ??? i decided to watch a bit of it but ended up streaming the whole thing until 5:45am looooool also watched the numbers grow from the 500,000 all the way to 2,000,000 and then 3,000,000? it was nuts

omfg all these years of rereading chapters and only now do i realize that i could save bookmarks on mangahere *slaps forehead*

Moment of silence cause i sold my desk that’s accompanied me for almost 10 years It even has battlescars (aka X marks by Jacky, 3 of them) LOL memories ;___; Oh and i guess my chair too

lol was gonna sell that yamaha guitar for $45 but it’s going for like $190 on ebay?? so ima just bring it home

finals week hangout list: tuesday: fud with kimberly, peyton, harry wednesday: more fud with stephanie and ellius thursday: KBBQ FOR LUNCH with jeong, justin, yuri, harry LOOOOL

and so...that’s the end of the quarter. my last quarter of school ever (unless i decide to go to more school...which seems unlikely as of right now) it feels weird.................................. but! onto graduation~ looking forward to being reunited with family and whatever’s gonna hit me in the face LOL

and with that goodbye undergrad, hello world ㅇㅅㅇ

[fanfiction-mania]

Keep your Enemies Closer (Chapter 5)

p.o.v Rydel

i was describing why i loved amy without actually using her name so she wouldnt know it was her i was talking about. all of a sudden my eyes slowly trailed their way from her beautiful eyes to her amazing lips. the next thing you know there was absolutely no stopping me. thats when i risked it all. i kissed Amy. when i pulled away i stood there worried i would be rejected considering she looks shocked. Right when i thought she was going to say something mean and reject me kissed me back. this time it was a more passionate kiss. i guess we both kinda telepathically agreed to not let it get any further at the moment because we both pulled away at the same time. we were both breathless. "so what exactly does this make us?" i asked.

p.o.v Amy

"what exactly does that make us?" she asked semi awkwardly. "I don't know" I began. "I want to be with you but I don't want anyone to know and I think it would be best for the both of us that we stay on the down low for a while and I also think it will benefit our relationship" I said "I couldn't agree more" she replied as she leaned in for another kiss. I leaned in too and the second our lips touched I felt sparks fly through my entire body. We then pulled away and I said "I'm so happy to finally be yours." with that we realized it was really late and besides we have school in the morning. we got in our pyjamas and we both fell asleep. t being the first time in a long time that i fell asleep genuinely happy.

p.o.v Rose

i woke up the next morning wondering how Amy's sleepover with Rydel went. i quickly did my morning routine so that i would have some time to relax before having to catch the bus. when i finally got the chance to sit and relax i pulled out my phone and texted Amy. "how was the sleep over" replied a little slower than usual. i dont know if thats good or bad. " it was... interesting" she said. shortly after i got another text from her that said "kind of a long story, ill tell you at school" after I read that text so many possibilities soared through my head, both good and bad ones. Finally I got to school and went to my locker and got my things for my first class. After I got my things from my locker I went to mine and Amy's meeting place which is her locker. When Amy got to school she came up to me and before she could say anything I said "you have a lot of explaining to do!" she looked at me as if to say 'I know! I know!' she opened her locker and quickly grabbed her things. After she grabbed her things she turned around and said "you have to promise to not say anything about this to anyone." I looked at her a bit confused "who would I even tell?" I asked sarcastically. That's when I remembered something. "wait... Before you continue. Guess what?" I said hoping she won't get mad at me for interrupting her from telling me about her "interesting" sleep over at Rydel's house. "what!" she replied sounding surprisingly excited as apposed to irritated. "Joseph asked if I want to hang out!!!!!!!!" I practically screamed from excitement. "oh my god that's amazing!!!!!!!" she said sounding really excited for me.

P.o.v Amy

"oh my god that's amazing!!!!!!!" I said feeling really really excited for my best friend. "anyways back to what I was saying" I began. She then nodded to allow me to go on. "ok so you know how Rydel is usually a total bitch to me most of the time?" she nodded telling me she's aware that it used to happen. "well when I was at her house, her and her family were all so nice to me, I got hit on by her youngest brother Ryland, and here's where it gets interesting. So I ended up telling ryland that I was bi and that I love Rydel. It came as a bit of a shock to him and he was kind of hurt by it but everyone knows that the truth can hurt sometimes. Anyways not my point. My point is that well anyways I guess I didn't even have to tell you the ryland thing. My point is, when we all went to our rooms to go to sleep rydel and I went to her room and we stayed up for a good hour and a half longer talking and then eventually it led to her kissing me, me kissing back and well... Now we are together." I basically rambled. "wait! Woah woah woah! Hold up!"she practically yelled. I stopped rambling. "so you mean to tell me that she kissed you first and you're together now????" she whisper screamed in shock. "yeah!!!" I replied. "score!!!!!!!" she replied and then the warning bell went so we would head to our first class. Thank god my home room is drama!!!!!!

P.o.v Rydel

I walked into drama when all of a sudden I saw Amy. The first thing I wanted to do was go up to her and hug her and kiss her but I couldn't. Obviously because we are not public yet. The class went by really fast because I got just dance with the love of my life for the whole period. After drama was over I left to go to my next class. I headed off to science. Amy isn't in my science class but my friend Stevie from drama is. My science teacher is really nice and tends to let us choose our partners when we do a lab so that means Stevie and I can be partners most of the time. At first I was able to concentrate on my work like I always do but all of a sudden I just started zoning out and it got to the point where Stevie was bringing me back to reality like two times a minute at least. Eventually she just stopped trying to get work done and said "what is with you today! You are never like this" I looked at her really awkwardly and said " it's kind of a long story" she looked at me like I was crazy and didn't trust her which is not true. I trust her, I mean she's one of my best friends. And I bet you are wondering why I haven't told her yet. I haven't told her because Amy and I had agreed to keep this to ourselves and also I haven't had time to tell Stevie considering it literally all just kinda happened last night. Anyways I bet Amy has told at least one person so that gives me every right to do the same.

P.o.v Stevie

today in science we are doing a lab and our teacher usually lets us pick our partners so Rydel and i tend to be partners any chance we get. we began the lab and all of a sudden she kept zoning out. eventually i just got plain annoyed with constantly bringing her back to reality to the extent that i actually stopped trying to get work done and i said "what is with you today! You are never like this. she then looked at me and awkwardly said "its kind of a long story." i looked at her ads if the show that i thought she didn't trust me, and then said "i have time" with that she groaned and gave me the 'are you serious?' look one right after the other. "ok fine!" she said. " well u know how i always used to be kind of rude to amy?" she asked me "yeah?" i replied slightly confused considering i didn't have a single clue where she was going with this. "well anyways i know u already know that we were partnered up for drama" i looked at her still confused. "and your point is?" i asked. "i told you its a long story! im getting to it" i said. then continued my story. "ok well we went to my house yesterday to practise our dance routine and my mom offered for her to sleep over." she nodded for me to continue figuring that i wasnt done yet. "she had texted her mom asking if she could stay over and her mom said yes. after that we were talking about stuff and i happened to notice that ross and Ryland had snuck off to go talk about something else. i decided to follow them because it seemed kind of suspicious. they went into one of the little rooms in our basement and from what i heard ,Ryland had asked ross that if they play truth or dare to dare amy to kiss him. when i heard that i definitely felt hurt but of course me being the idiot that i am i ignored it. and throughout the game my brothers kept daring each other to kiss her..." i was literally taking in every single word that Rydel was saying when all of a sudden i decided to cut her off "so what you are telling me is that you are jealous of your brothers?" i asked finally feeling like i knew where this story was going. "thats part of it" she replied. "ok then continue; i said wanting to hear more. "ok so well they kept daring each other to kiss her and that feeling of hurt and jealousy came back and i don't even know why but i ignored it again. After that we decided to watch a movie. i was sitting with Ellington and i guess she thought we were into each other because she ran off crying. dont think she knew that anyone noticed but we all did. ryland told us that would talk to her. knew he had it under control but i wanted to see what was up anyways so i went and eves dropped again. after their long conversation i quickly ran back and sat next to Ellington before either Amy or Ryland knew i was eves dropping. when they came back we watched the rest of the movie and hen went to bed. as far as i know everyone else was asleep. Amy and i stayed up in my room and kept talking and eventually i told her that i didnt realize it until that moment that i was bisexual." my mind continued to soak up all of this new information. " and then the next thing you know i couldnt stop myself" she continued. "i kissed her and then before i even got the chance to apologize for what i did she kissed me back" she finished her incredibly long story, finally. "so are you two a thing?" i asked my rambling friend. "long story short yes we are together." i looked at her with that kind of durp face that you make when you see something really cute like a puppy or a baby. "awwwwwww thats sooooooo cute!!!!!!!!!!!!" i said and then the bell rang for lunch.