#i deserve 1 million dollars for not killing myself honestly like it would have been so much easier than feeling this way since december

[bodiesweaving]

genuinely i think the craziest and most fucked up pathetic part of this is that i just miss you so much still like i miss you so fucking much in the deepest parts of my soul but i know you never missed me and honestly probably never even cared about me so what am i doing

[chaoslynx]

hey, I'd like your input on a certain question I have pertaining to a hypothetical alternate ending of banana fish (the one where ash survives his stab wound). if you're not sure how to answer, that's completely fine, but I've seen so many people in the fandom claim so many different things about what would have happened if he survived, and I'm searching for a solid opinion.

I think the majority of the fandom can collectively agree that ash didn't need to die in order to heal from his trauma. I've see a lot of idiots say that even if ash lived, he would never heal or escape his past trauma, and so dying was the best outcome for his circumstances, which I'm sure the majority of us with more than 1 active braincell knows that's utter dog shit, and that survivors can heal no matter how big of a wound they may need treated.

however, I've seen people say that dying was his best option, NOT because he wouldn't have healed from his trauma, but because he wouldn't have the chance to heal considering the fact that he'd always be hunted down by his enemies. I've also seen people claim that even if he moved countries, he'd always be in constant danger because people would never stop looking for him. that he, as well as eiji, would have to live in fear and would never find peace due to the enemies ash has made during his lifetime.

I'm not sure what to think of this. I believe he'd be able to fake his death, borrow a new identity, and fake a passport to get on that damn plane headed to Japan. some have said that he wouldn't be able to due to his criminal record and so he'd never be allowed on a plane, which I also believe is dog shit. if that blond can scam millions of dollars out of and buy a condo right across from his #1 enemy without being caught, he can fucking travel. it's absurd how part of the fandom STILL underestimates his abilities, considering that he's shown time and time again of how capable and intelligent he truly is.

If you're able to answer, I'd like your opinion. we've established that survivors are able to heal no matter how big the baggage, but do you think he'd get the chance to heal, or would he always be on the run? would he forever be preoccupied with running from his enemies, or do you think his enemies would die trying to find him? I personally think that since his #1 enemy, D*no, is charred to a crisp, that he'd be somewhat safe from the rest. I don't think they'd even find him in an entirely different country in an entirely different continent.

but what do I know, honestly? maybe Yoshida confirmed that even if he did survive, he'd still be on the run until he died. I know she's said that murderers didn't deserve happy endings (bullshit, considering the circumstances that ash was in), but I'm not sure if she's clarified whether he would be on the run if he did hypothetically live. what do you think? no pressure :)

First of all, I'm a big fan of ignoring things Yoshida said.

I'm glad we agree that trauma survivors can heal! Also a big fan of that. Not gonna discuss that more here since we're already on the same page 💖

Before I get into whether or not Ash could ever escape from his enemies, I'd like to establish something about myself and my beliefs. I, personally, think that living is always going to be the better option. I am not going to be taking this question as a "could Ash have escaped his enemies, or is it good that he died?" That's not the problem here. The question I'll respond to below is "could Ash have escaped his enemies, or would he have always been on the run?"

This is an important distinction, because the first question implies that some lives just aren't worth living. I think your intentions here were good, so please don't take this as an attack on you in any way! But I'm not a fan of "living in fear [or living any other way] is worse than death" for a number of reasons. For one thing, dying is permanent. Once you die, there's never a chance of it getting better. It's literally a permanent solution to what often has the potential to be a temporary problem.

Also, any sort of "death is better" logic is a very slippery slope to be walking. If death is better than living in fear, is it also better than living with a permanent disability? With a chronic illness? At what point is it bad but still worth living through? Will Ash, on some level, always be living in fear due to what's likely post-traumatic stress disorder? Healing is obviously possible, but healing means learning how to cope better with a history of trauma, not getting rid of it.

So we're essentially asking the same question that we've already established the answer to: Is it better to live than to die? And, uh, yeah. Yeah, it is.

So anyway, moving onto the question I believe you were intending to ask: Would Ash have been able to escape his enemies?

Yeah. He would have.

For one thing, most of the people who actually gave a shit were already dead. Sure, the Corsican Foundation still existed, but most of them probably didn't think much of Ash besides him being Dino's favorite. There were those who saw Ash's mind in action during that month he spent with Dino during canon, but without Dino there, they have no reason to want Ash dead. Same with the ones who wanted Ash dead before the National Health Institute arc, if they weren't already dead themselves by the end of canon (like Kippard).

If Ash weren't going after them, I don't see why any of them would go after Ash.

Yut-Lung arguably had more enemies than Ash did by the end of canon, which was even Blanca's excuse for agreeing to work for him, but I don't see anyone arguing that Yue should have died. (I believe that he was canonically killed by one of his enemies at some point after Garden of Light, but does that mean that those 7+ years of freedom that he lived were pointless just because they came to an end?)

As far as traveling, yeah, Ash absolutely would have been able to fake an identity if he needed to. Like you said, he's done worse, and it's not like he doesn't have the connections for it. Although ...

I don't know if I've ever fully explained it in a fic or on here, but here's how I usually write post-canon.

Ash and Eiji stay in NYC. We know that moving back to the States and staying there is possible for Eiji, because ... it's what he does in canon after Ash's death. It's mentioned in GoL that Eiji moved back before he even healed completely from his gunshot wound, and that he got his Permanent Resident Card five years later.

As far as Ash, as much as a fucking pain in the ass it would be for him, I usually write him as actually testifying in court against ... fucking everyone. He gets help with this from Max, of course, and also from Jessica (who leaked Max's investigation, including the evidence they obtained from Frog, to the media in episode 23). In return for his testimony, he's granted total witness immunity for his crimes. ((Keep in mind that I know nothing about legal processes and how this would actually work in real life, but for fanfiction purposes that's how I choose to write it.))

So basically: Fuck Yoshida. Fuck death. Live your best life. YOLO.

[xianarcissamalfoy]

Curiosity Killed the Kat. Satisfaction Brought her Back. Part 1— Avengers x platonic!OC— Loki x OC

Warnings: The Avengers being rude, mentions of torture, my OC being sassy, a pretty serious chapter, Loki being sweet, probably some other stuff

It was loud. It was annoying. It was, sadly, my alarm clock. Sorry, my name is Katherine Isabella Thomas, but everyone calls me Kit. I turned eighteen two months ago, and I am an Avenger.

My mother is Sarah Wilson-Carter, the younger sister of Sam Wilson; the Falcon. Now, don’t get me wrong. I loved my mother. But when she gave me up when I was nine, I wanted nothing more than to bash her skull in with Thor’s hammer (Sorry, I’m a mythology freak), especially since she gave me up because her new husband made her choose between us. Now, I live with my Uncle Sam. And ever since he became an Avenger, I lived in the compound with him.

I love the Avengers. I loved Captain America and Howard Stark and Peggy Carter (the list goes on) and I especially love Bucky Barnes. I’ve heard all the stories. Steve got his ass kicked in an alley and Bucky somehow always knew and saved him. Steve got the serum and rescued Bucky, the only thing Bucky was concerned about was Steve’s safety. Believe me, the only person that knows more about Bucky is... well, not Bucky that’s for sure. Steve or Natasha, probably.

I’m the baby of the Avengers. I’m a fully grown adult, but to them I’m still eleven years old. Which means, the nickname “Kitten” never went away. I liked when I was a kid, but now it’s kinda annoying. Like when people call me “Kat”. Honestly, any nickname they could come up with is going to be worse than “Kitten” but when you’re eighteen and the only thing you want is to be treated like you’re eighteen (other than a photo with Loki, of course), it gets annoying.

My clock read 8:00 am (wayyy too early when you stay up binge watching Game of Thrones or The Office, binge reading Harry Potter, or binge writing on Wattpad and Tumblr) and I quickly hit stop. I walked to my dresser and pulled on one of the many Black Sabbath t-shirts I stole from Tony.

My bare feet padded along the hardwood floor as I made my way to the dining room where everyone, including Thor and Tony, were. “Morning guys.” I yawned, making myself a cup of coffee.

“Is that my shirt?” Tony furrowed his brows as he played with the hem of it.

“Yeah.”

“So it’s you who’s been stealing my shirts and not Natasha or Wanda?” Tony huffed, pushing my cup out of the way and pouring himself a new one.

“Yeah.”

“Are you just going to keep saying ‘yeah’?” I looked up at him.

“Yeah.” Tony rolled his eyes as he leaned over the island. “You know how much money I could make off of this t-shirt? It’s currently listed at a quarter of a million dollars.” Rhodes let out a long whistle. “I wonder if I can make it to three quarters.”

“Kitten, we have more important things to talk about.” Steve interrupted. “Thor?”

“Thank you, Captain. You’ve all heard me talk about just how much my father hates Loki’s actions.”

“Don’t we all.” Tony muttered, receiving a glare from Thor.

“Anyways, Father has decided that Loki is no longer welcome in Asgard until he repays for his crimes against earth. Mother agrees. I was hoping that he could maybe... stay here? In the basement?” Clint spit out his coffee, choking on it. Natasha lent over to rub his back as I suppressed a giggle.

“Absolutely not. He is not coming within two hundred light years of Bruce and Kit.” I rolled my eyes at Clint’s statement. This is what I mean by overprotective.

“I agree. Having both Bruce and Kit in the compound while Loki is just a few floors underground... that’s not a good idea.” Steve agreed, looking around the table to see nods of agreement. Except from me, Wanda, Pietro, and Vision.

“Apologies, Captain, but I believe it most beneficial for Loki to repent for his crimes against Earth. He may not make it to that stage considering you all want to kill him, but regardless, Thor has repeatedly told you all that that wasn’t Loki who attacked New York. It was the mind stone. And if Loki was mind controlled, who’s to say he was ever truly evil?”

“I agree with the walking microwave.” Pietro spoke up, his hand gently massaging my shoulder. He was my best friend and he knew what I was thinking. “Besides, you forgave Wanda and I for knowingly trying to kill you all, including Kit, what is the difference?”

“You were kids. Loki wasn’t. The mind stone alters your emotions so that whatever you’re feeling is the only thing you can think about. In Loki’s case it was releasing an alien army into New York and killing eighty people.” Natasha growled, trying to hide under her calm demeanor.

“Natasha how many people have you killed?” I spoke up, my voice strong. “How many people have you guys killed, actually?”

“That’s Natasha’s past, Kitten. That’s not who she is now.” Sam reassured me but I merely scoffed.

“She wasn’t under mind control. It might be her past but if we’re going to treat Loki the way you guys are treating him, who’s to say this isn’t a scam? A ruse to get you all to trust her so she can stab you in the back? Do we truly know?” Natasha glared at the island, her grip so tight it began to bend the spoon.

“Kit, stop. This isn’t your decision-“ Steve ordered gently but I ignored him.

“What about you guys? You’ve all killed people. What’s the difference?”

“Those were bad people Kit. That’s the difference.” Bruce sighed, rubbing his eyes.

“But they had families. Friends. Lives ahead of them. Honestly are we any better than HYDRA? Any better than anyone? Who is to say who’s a good or bad person? Who is to put a group of people so high up on the throne, tat they can make such decisions. Is that our job? Because if that’s what the Avengers is all about you guys are idiots. No wonder Ross and all those countries wanted you to sign the Accords.” I snapped, saying the last sentence under my breath.

“Kit, you’re taking this way too personally.” My uncle announced. I chuckled slightly.

“Rule ten: ‘Never get personally involved on a case’.” I argued before turning to Steve. “And what about Bucky? He was mind controlled and we’ve all come to terms with that. Tony is still a bit sore because Bucky killed his parents but he’s trying. Why can’t we do the same for Loki?” I looked up at Thor. “You have my permission.”

“Mine too.” The twins announced together before squabbling over who said it first which ended up in them fighting on the floor. I smiled at the two. Wishing I had a sibling to do that with.

Vision agreed as well, leaving it up to the others. Bruce eventually broke, Sam and Rhodey as well. “Steve, Tony. We know Natasha and Clint aren’t backing down. It’s up to you. Well really and truly it wouldn’t matter because you’re outnumbered but still.” I smirked gently.

“Actually I’ve begun to see Kit’s point.” Clint muttered and all heads snapped towards him.

“You do?” I scrunched my nose.

“I don’t trust him.”

“I never said you needed to.”

“I don’t trust him, but I’m willing to allow him to try and gain some respect. Natasha and I are on the same page. He wasn’t completely in control of himself. I was brainwashed and mind controlled too. I know the trauma that lurks afterwards. If there is a sliver of a chance Loki can change back into the good man that Thor is always talking to Kit about, them why not give him a chance?”

“I guess it’s settled then.” Steve sighed. “Thor, bring him in. Stark, Banner, I know you guys have been working on the power cancelling bracelets. Are they finished?”

“Well there might still be a few kinks left in them. The twins are gonna be our test subjects for the moment. Kit you wanna come?” Tony asked and I shook my head.

“Nah I’ve got something I need to take care of before we’re all out on edge. I’ll see you guys later.” I hopped off the barstool and refilled my coffee before heading to the elevator. “Library please, Friday.” Thor squeezed into the elevator before the doors closed, taking up most of the space.

“Thank you, Lady Kit for standing up for my brother.” I looked up at Thor who was looking at me already.

“Everyone deserves a second chance. But if he tries something, I’ll kill him.” Thor chuckled, patting me on the head.

“You’re cute. And tiny.” Thor blew my threat off quickly. If only he knew it wasn’t quite empty.

When Loki arrived the whole compound was buzzing. Natasha and Sam forced me to suit up, not wanting to take any chances with Loki. Black armored leggings, an armored tank top, green boots that went up to my knees, and a black leather jacket with gold accents. It was my color scheme, because green was the color of my mother’s eyes. I still, to this day, honor her despite what she did to me.

I had a black, leather holster on each thigh and calf, Berretta M9’s on the thighs, daggers with green leather strips on the hilt for grip. It was strange how they let me carry all these weapons and have seen me pull a few triggers but they think of me as innocent.

“Ready Kitten?” Tony asked and I nodded, pushing the double doors open. Loki was standing in the middle of the cell, in trousers and and a green shirt, the sleeves rolled up his elbows. I gasped when he turned to face me, for his eyes were colorless and lips sewn shut.

“Thor we aren’t going to leave him like that, are we?” I questioned before I even got to the quietly speaking group.

“He can’t use magic if he doesn’t have a voice, Kit.” Tony said, patting me on the back.

“Are you serious? I could somewhat understand a gag, but that? You’re fucking with me, right?” They flinched at my tone of voice. I usually don’t cuss in front of them.

“Kit it’s better this way, he can’t-“ Sam started but I cut him off.

“No! It’s not better! He has to be in extreme pain right now and none of you care?!” Even Thor looked to the ground. I scoffed. “Fuck you. All of you.” I walked up to the cylinder, scanning my badge and eye so the door would open.

“Kit. You’re not allowed in there.” Steve said sternly but it was too late. I was already in.

“If I’m not allowed in here then how come you guys programmed it so I could open the doors?” I snapped, not bothering to look back at them. “Loki?” I asked in a gentle voice. He was watching me intently, his eyes trailing over me as I got closer. I held my hand out for him to fake but he flinched away so I pulled it back by my side. “Loki my name’s Katherine, but everyone calls me Kit. I’m eighteen, I love to read and write and draw. Thor is like the older brother I never had. He tells me about you from when you guys were kids. About how you once turned him into a frog and how he secretly enjoyed it despite saying he didn’t.” I smiled at Loki. “Would you like to sit down?” Loki nodded and slowly but surely did. I plopped down next to him and this time, he didn’t flinch away.

“What is she doing?” Sam hissed, getting ready to get me out but Thor held him back.

“She’s treating him like a person.” Thor whispered watching us.

“Bruce can you go grab a first aid kit for me?” I asked and the doctor scurried away. “You can trust me Loki. I won’t let anyone hurt you. Ever.” I held out my hand once more and he tentatively took it. I smiled up at him and rubbed reassuring patterns on his knuckles. “I’m happy I finally get to meet you.” I whispered, and he hummed. His face was bruised and cut, some more recent than others. “Loki, I need to clean you up. Will you let me?” Loki seemed to think about it for a moment before he nodded gently. “Okay. Come on.” I stood and helped him up, on of his arms wrapped around my shoulders to help him walk.

“Where are you two going?” Clint questioned, all of them following us to the elevator.

“FRI take us up to the common room.” The elevator began to move and Loki looked a bit worried. “I’ve got you.” I whispered. When the doors opened back up I steered Loki towards my bedroom, despite the growing protests.

I set Loki down on my bed as I gathered everything I would need and turned the bath water on, pouring some essential oils (lavender and eucalyptus). I checked the temperature before walking back to Loki. Everyone had gathered in my room to protect me but it was obvious that I wouldn’t need it.

After Loki undressed (I looked away, yeesh) Thor helped him down into the water. Loki sighed in contentment under the warm water and soap bubbles. “Can I play with your hair?” Loki nodded and I smiled widely. His hair was knotted, obviously not taken care of in at least a few days. Once I had the conditioner in it (it smells like an English forest in my bathroom now) it was easier to comb out. Loki has his eyes closed throughout it, lifting his neck up now and then when I needed him to. I pulled it into a bun with a scrunchy so I could move on to wash his body.

I poured my lavender soap onto a loofa and gently scrubbed away at the dirt, blood, and grime. Eyes were on me and they definitely weren’t the good kind. I looked up to see the team staring at me. “What?”

“How can you treat him with such kindness, Kit?” Tony asked and I shrugged.

“I guess I’m more compassionate than any of you.” I blew the question off, returning to getting Loki clean, though I did let him do his own.. crotch and ass (I might not be as innocent as everyone thinks but I do shy away from everything sexual. Unless it’s on Tumblr or Wattpad). I rinsed him and Thor helped him climb out and dry off (thank you Thor I’d be as red as Nat’s hair if I had to do it).

Loki looked much more comfortable now that he was in a pair of sweatpants that hung lowly on his hips and a shirt that was too loose, laying back on my bed with his hair fanned out. “Feel better?” He nodded, lips trying to smile but he winced. “Don’t smile. I’m gonna get those out for you, Loki. But it’s going to hurt.” He sighed through his nose as I gently cut and pulled the thread out. It left holes in his gorgeous, pink lips; holes that Thor said would close up in time. As soon as I cleaned up the cuts on his face Loki sat up, mouth opening.

“Thank you.” He croaked out, eyes shimmering with tears. “I didn’t think I’d ever get those out.” Loki’s gaze darted to the floor.

“Well its a good thing you have me now. Because that dick of a stepfather you have is gonna get a piece of my mind if I ever see him.” I threatened, bringing a small smile to Loki’s face. “And you aren’t going back to that cell.”

“Kit, you’re getting ahead of yourself.” Sam warned but I glared it him.

“You guys didn’t really think that once I had Loki looking like himself I’d send him back down there so Heimdall knows what can happen?” I snapped, cleaning up the nightstand where I had set everything.

“Is that.. is that a saying on Earth?” Loki asked me quietly and I shook my head.

“No. I’ve always been interested in mythology, and before your idiot brother got himself exiled that’s what you two were. Norse gods that nobody believed in. Except me and demigods, of course.” Loki looked at me intently. “On Earth, a demigod is the child of a god and a human. That child can have children with other humans or gods and their descendants will always be called demigods.” Loki nodded slowly. “In Norse mythology, you’re the son of Laufey, a woman, and the brother of Odin and brother in law of Frigg, also known as Frigga.”

“Mortals get so many things twisted it’s headache inducing.” Loki pointed out.

“Yeah like the fact that you gave birth to an eight legged horse named Sleipnir who is Odin’s war horse? Or the giant wolf named Frenrir? Or that Hel is your daughter? Everyone knows she’s not.” I rolled my eyes.

“Hel? Why in the nine realms would anyone believe she’s Loki’s daughter?” Thor demanded.

“Well they do look alike.” I offered with a shrug.

“And she does call me Faðir since I accidently let her into the living realms, once.” Loki grimaced.

“Okay enough of this mythology geek talk.” Tony interrupted. “Time to go back to the cell.”

“No.” I said, crossing my arms as I stood in front of Loki.

“Kit, move.” Steve ordered.

“No. What is the old saying... ‘When the mob and the whole world tell you to move, plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth and say, ‘No, you move.’ So unless you plan on forcing me,” I reached for my thigh holster. “Loki stays.” Everyone looked at each other before Wanda carefully made her way to me.

“You sure you want to do this?” She asked under her breath. “I can go in his head, see if he’s planning something.”

“No. Loki won’t change if we don’t trust him.” Pietro said after speeding over.

“I believe Loki has changed.” Vision agreed, floating over to us. “And I believe Kit is right.”

“What do we do now?” Rhodey muttered. “I don’t want to fight them especially because they have our stongest members on their side.”

“I agree.” Clint sighed. “Alright, kid. Do your thing. But don’t come crying to me when he breaks your heart.” With that Clint hopped into the air vents and was gone.

“God sometimes I hate him.” Tasha grumbled before following suite.

“We should probably trust Kit’s judgement. She was right about Bucky and the twins, after all.” Bruce offered. “This can be like a top secret assignment.”

“An assignment that can go south real fast.” Sam argues. “Kit, step away from him or you’re grounded.” I laughed a little though my expression held no humor.

“The only problem with that is I’m an adult. I can make my own choices and if you refuse to see that then fine. I have friends in high places I’ll go under the radar and you’ll never see me again.” Natasha pokes her head out of my vent.

“It’s true. I trained her how to do so. You’ll never find her especially if she has people on her side.” Natasha disappeared again.

“I hate it when she does that.” Tony mumbled.

“I hate it when you guys treat me like a child but here we are.” I snapped.

“Kit, we’re worried about you. You’ve never acted like this before.” Steve said gently.

“Actually this is the same way she acted for Bucky and the twins, Rogers.” Rhodey turned to Tony. “She’s usually right when it comes to this stuff.”

“You have a point, Rhodey.” Tony sighed. “Alright, kid. You can have the god but he’s wearing the bracelets.”

“Tony really?” Sam threw his hands up in disbelief.

“Yes really, Sam.” Steve stepped in. “I don’t trust Loki but I do trust Kit. You should too.”

“I do trust her-“

“Then let her do this. That’s an order.” Sam stormed out of the room at Steve’s sentence. “Kit, he tries anything, you kill him.”

“Yes sir.” I turned back to the god. “Come on, Loki. Let’s get you settled in.”

[homme-brella]

aesthetic themed ask list

It’s friday night i’m by myself listening to music in my bed in the dark and i told all my friends to leave me alone but i don’t feel like journaling properly so i’m just going to do this as an exercise lol. Found this list in my drafts of my old account i made for my ex.. oh how times have changed since 2015. 

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? just now i guess?

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? who killed jonbenet ramsey???

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? i don’t feel like i’ve accomplished much - actually got stuck on this question during a job interview (i didnt get the job lol) probably... finding my current job and seeing an actual path for my future for once.

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? telling my friends how much i love them saturday night.

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? drop out of cpa, quit my job, travel the world and send cards back home to my friends to remember me by.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? no bucket list... i just wanna travel the world...

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail. she reminds me that people aren’t perfect, that sometimes you shouldn’t be selfish, that there are more people who have opinions than i’d like.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? it didn’t get bad until jr high / high school i don’t think i can complain.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? sunday night.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. jessica. she loves the stars as much as i love her.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? no i can barely do that with my friends.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? i guess it was 5-6am when we talked. cass is a dear friend of mine. 

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? i’d tell Ron “stand tall, stupid”

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? pretty.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. “i don’t have everything that i love, but i love everything that i have” - my dad said this a lot. i try to remember to love everything in my life, and put 100% of my energy into loving them.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? lmao i was looking through my archive i think it’d be “needs to be held, cries often”

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? probably pay off every debt my entire family has, and then invest the rest and treat my family & friends nice.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? sometimes. I can be pretty petty sometimes, but I think it’s a defense mechanism. Sometimes i wish i could take the high road but sometimes they don’t deserve it lol.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. idk how to count a hundred words but “don’t stay with someone just because you’re loyal”

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? pastel probably?

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. i like them in moderation! although my mama is strict )-:

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? no idk how to do makeup well and i’m also really lazy. thank god for permanent makeup.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. “She likes spring, I prefer winter” -Slchld. I think this song reminded me that it’s ok to have differences between you and your s/o. I think it made me an open minded person, and open to flaws and acceptance. I think it also got me through a time when I was losing myself and it reminded me that it’s ok to be different and like what you like, as long as you know what you like, you know?

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. Love is love.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

Us the Duo  - went with my ex when we were about to break up. gave me hope that we could work things out because they sang our song and we held each other but it didn’t end up working out. i still have a bad habit of attaching people to music

Daniel Caesar - went with my best friend, we found a spot near the side of the stage and interacted a lot with the drummer - he actually was the highlight of the night the way he enjoyed himself so much. It was freezing out but it was honestly such a warming sensation being in that venue.

HONNE - went with a group of friends, i actually introduced them all to HONNE, it was amazing singing those songs with them, it bonded us but also marked the end of our time together.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? i would love a letter from my grandpa telling me everything that happened to him during the war.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? It’s not lol.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? brush teeth, hop in bed, scroll on phone for hours, sleep

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? their daughter’s a hoe ToT 

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? pink. idk i like pink.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? ron devon cass andrew mitch, we would get an RV and travel across the country for a month or two, making stops in random cities.

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

1. i wish ron lives happily ever after with the girl he loves - because he deserves it

2. i wish to be successful in my career - so that i can afford to travel and see the world with the people that i love

3. i wish that the dreams my friends are manifesting come true - because i love my friends.

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. i think i was pinocchio one year that was kinda cute.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? called my entire local committee and hysterically laughed and hyperventilated on video call lol.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? kill a person

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? wait that’s really hard lol ummmm maybe one song? maybe the different people i see can sing different songs for me.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love. i think so! it’s when you think about them throughout the day - consider their feelings and what you could do for them. but idk i’m single as fuck lol.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? i did rock really short hair lol

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? uuhh i don’t really drink starbucks but i like the seasonal drinks - pumpkin spice latte.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? peace.

fin.

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S3 Ep 9: So Tristan Died

Been resisting that springtime urge to buy a house plant and watch it slowly die while everyone else on my timeline posts beautiful terrariums and wallscapes. I have murdered nearly every plant I own, I have no idea why, I have killed several cacti. But I just found out about logees.com and y’all. Have you seen a rock fig? I want it so bad.

So, instead of wasting my money, I will write here and...not click buy on that rock fig. That beautiful beautiful rock shaped plant. That incredible and glorious miniature Deku Tree.

Also, this week Tumblr said that they’re extending the post limit size for text posts and like...there was a text post limit? Y’all I assumed these posts were hella long, (and in fact way, way, way too long) but like, I never capped a text post limit so...I guess I do all right.

So, switching over to Yugioh, we’re back with the Tristan-Duke-Serenity trio, who are still fighting over Serenity, the world’s most oblivious child. I haven’t gone over too much what their high and low points have been over these past like 5ish episodes but here’s what they’ve been up to, a refresher course of what they’ve been doing since Tristan drowned a Rhinoceros turtle in the lake.

1.) Serenity sneezed once and the Tristan and Duke had a big fight over who gave Serenity a cold

2.)

Sorry that’s all they’ve done. I really thought this would be a list when I started.

It’s been so boring that Serenity has decided this has been the best part of her tourney vacation (she is not wrong). And I just realized--she went to great lengths to get her eyes fixed and now she’s trapped in the VR zone and she doesn’t even need eyes to be here. Hell, if she gets trapped here, she’ll never need eyes again, she’ll have permanent perfect vision 24/7. We keep finding new alternatives instead of spending millions of dollars on Serenity’s eyes and the show kind of glazes over it.

Anyways, we learn a lot about Serenity this episode, mainly that Serenity is a little bit of a space cadet.

(Every episode Duke’s necklace is a little bit more simplified and today it is...almost just a cross. I look forward to seeing what necklace’s final form will be.)

Duke is supposed to be the antagonist of the three, but it really comes off that Tristan and Serenity have goldfish memories and somehow do not recall being launched down a hyperspace tube by five insane computer ghosts trying to consume their bodies. Most people would not forget that happening so like...it’s kinda hard not to side with Duke. Weird that the guy with such ridiculous hair is actually the most level headed person here.

And honestly, if Yugi had been speaking, then Joey and Serenity would have sobered up. Kind of a bummer that Duke doesn’t have the card cred, although Tristan was there when Duke beat Joey.

Like this episode was somewhat frustrating because Duke Devlin really is supposed to be incredibly good at cards, a kid who has only been beaten by the Pharaoh himself, and Tristan and Serenity sort of don’t believe him for some reason. Duke owns a version of the game they are playing. Like, he has ownership over Dungeon Dice and they don’t...care? It’s really weird, but it’s not like Duke has really done anything for an entire season so maybe he deserved this?

But considering that he’s been running for his life/kidnapped since they met up again 2 days ago during Kaiba’s tourney, maybe Duke just has no choice but to hang out with these people who do not respect him at all.

(read more under the cut)

Also, they’re still keeping it a secret that Duke beat Joey because...they’re still lying out of their ass for Serenity’s self esteem. It’s Season 3 and we’re still very concerned that Serenity cannot handle the truth. This girl was in a hospital for weeks and completely blind, I’m pretty sure if anyone can handle hard truths, it’s this girl. But, she’s very pretty, so better not spook her.

I am impressed that this random throwaway plot point from the beginning of S2 has come back to haunt us.

It checks out. This was about as much credentials that Joey had when he joined Pegasus’ tourney. I mean, Joey trained with Grandpa but Grandpa full on died in the middle of their training so...Tristan should have been fine this episode, he’s been interning with card people for like...years.

Anyways, this is where everyone else is.

And Noah decides to try his carrot-under-a-box trick that has so far worked on literally every child he has tried it on.

These kids cannot resist a door to save their lives--and that’s really the whole thing. If they resist the door, then boom, their lives are saved. But nah. Gotta open every door. So they enter, and behind this door is, you guessed it--their favorite place, the ever recurring supervillain of all of Yugioh,

Wow.

Anyways, the fourth of the Big 5 is here and he is a robot that’s gonna do some Russian ballet to the Nutcracker Suite.

Finally, someone who’s strong enough to safely do the ballet alongside Tea.

*I did not watch Gundam, I spent my Torrent days watching Cowboy Bebop and Love Hina and I remember none of it.*

Speaking of, Love Hina--that one probably didn’t age well, didn’t it?

Tristan just digging his own grave for no reason is basically the rest of this episode. Duke Devlin was their out. Duke Devlin has been primed to die for like a full season but then Tristan had to go and fight a giant robot like an idiot. Which is not a sentence I thought I’d be typing about Yugioh, the show about a haunted card game.

PS, I just remembered something. One sec, let me dig this up, something I wrote in S1 that at the time, when everything was about magic and soul snatching, seemed so outlandish that it would never actually happen.

I can’t believe that I predicted myself but at the same time was still just so wrong, because not only do they already have Gundams, they also are card playing Gundams.

This giant VR Gundam could just step on them, right? Like just step on them? I get that would be against Noah’s set of rules but like...

...just a little step.

And what’s even more nuts about this show, is that some things I knew going in, some things you can’t escape just living here on the internet, like Yugi being strapped to a saw at some point (I just didn’t realize it would be from...a clown and would have *such freakin large blades attached*, it was very sudden) and them dueling from the backs of motorcycles (which apparently isn’t even this show. Apparently dueling motorcycles is a spinoff and y’all...kind of disappointed by that). But Gundams? This universe is so zany that Gundams just went completely under the radar.

*this robot casually wearing a jumbo duel disc*

Faced with the reality of none of his friends ever take him seriously, Duke decides to find a weird compromise and asks for double duel. Thing is, this robot also can’t take Duke seriously, and so this super backfires.

Would it in fact simplify everyone’s dating life if we had a 1 in 3 situation? I mean it’s already a mess because we have two 3 in 1′s, but we could balance that right out with a 1 in 3. Then the math will be correct. Balance will be achieved.

And that was how Disaster Serenity sort of stumbled her way onto a dueling platform and killed her brother’s 2nd (3rd) best friend (4th if you count Joey’s rivalry with Kaiba).

Tristan, who’s job as a volunteer janitor is to clean up messes, could not clean up after this Wheeler hot mess.

This is a card now? OK. I see you, product placement. I see why you made Duke Devlin pick up a deck again. Just for this product. That’s fine. At least we did something with Duke Devlin. But we could have maybe used him at any point outside of dungeon dice monsters, ya? Like any point?

Anyway, Serenity explains that if they tell her exactly what to do, they will be fine, so the robot catches wind of this and does this move

Of course. Of course the abandoned warehouse is now full of lava.

Serenity doesn’t even know the rules since she was actually blind until yesterday. She recalls faintly that on the train Tristan told her the rules, and that there were stars on the card that line up with power or whatever. So she looks down at the card and goes “Ah! there are little stars on here!” she plays it, and she realizes that no one has ever told her that sometimes they are placed sideways. Basically Serenity playing this episode as a recently not blind woman would be like me playing cards as someone who fast forwards through all the shuffling.

It’s hard to say if it’s Serenity who caused all this or Tristan who didn’t just let Duke do his one job. Either way, Tristan will absolutely find a way to blame this on Duke until about the point Tristan dies. Between Tristan refusing to play ball with Duke Devlin who is actually a card expert and Serenity playing all of her cards the wrong direction, I’m fully ready for Tristan to die by the end of this episode. Boy had a million chances to just chill and let Duke do his thing so ya, kill him.

Anyways, here’s a desert brought to you by yellow ochre. A LOT of yellow ochre.

Was this also a background for an 80′s space anime?

At some point Nezbitt sat in a boat and watched Kaiba launch what appears to be nuclear missiles at a missile factory. Kaiba did say he needed to throw out the old and start over so like...do Marie Kondo the way you need to do that Marie Kondo thing, Kaiba. This clearly did not bring you joy.

Anyway, lets skip to the good stuff. That’s right this boy: dead because he couldn’t not.

As you all know, I’ve been looking forward to Duke Devlin dying for such a long time now. I’ve been waiting here, tapping my fingers delicately together all Mr Burns-style expecting that the only way they could possibly find a use for Duke Devlin--since they refuse to give him any cards--would be to die.

But guys. I forgot about Tristan.

(bro wants to point out that right above the dungeon dice card was the revive card that would have come in handy right about now.)

Truly unexpected, standing in between Serenity and Duke, the most killable of the Yugioh franchise, Tristan freakin died.

But most importantly, we’re getting very close to death 169 (nice). We skipped 69 proper (a shame) because *somebody* had to kill just a chunk of people at once, Kaiba. So...who’s it gonna be? Probably the Big 5 member who’s cosplaying around as a Sexy Fish? chances are good.

Anyway, if you just got here, we’re in Season 3, if you would like to start at the beginning in S1, click here to read my so many recaps of this show. I cannot believe how much Yugioh content is in this Yugioh show.

[nevermesswithaprincess]

I try

I’m told to get back into certain hobbies but i cant seem to find myself.

 Have you ever been so lost that you cant seem to find a piece of joy?

 I pray almost every single day, no I’m not religious but i pray to my mom. I hope she hears me. Everyone says she still here with me but i never feel her and never get visits in my dreams. 

Have i lost her too?

 I find myself so stuck sometimes i forget what matters most. My health and well being. I find myself struggling because i lost a load of money. I find myself depressed and empty. My family acts like they care but in reality i could be dead and nobody would even know. I talk about death because id rather be done with life then to be forced to be in this hateful world. This society is damaged and this world is dying slowly more everyday. honestly im here writing but have no story to tell. 

Have i even lost touch with my words?

 Maybe I’m here to tell you i want to die but maybe I’m here to not tell you anything at all. Maybe this post just lost touch with tumblr and tumblr just lost touch with the internet and the internet just lost wifi. I think as quick as things can fall into place, they can fall quickly apart. 

Just like love, you ask? 

Well yes, love builds you up but then breaks you right on down. Im still here tho. No i didn't kill myself yet. I try so very hard and of course i think i deserve 1 million dollars and a beach with big waves but like i said is it worth it. since everything you work hard for may fall apart in seconds. The waves at the beach don’t last, soon as the sun goes down and the tide goes out, you have to run deep into all the yucky rocks just to see the waves. Mind you that walk cuts your feet and stinks like rotten fish the whole way. 

Isn’t it crazy?

 The beach right now isn’t even making anything feel better. 

Shall i proceed?

 i think not. 

[m0oranshi]

Diary of a cinephile - Entry 2

Want to get away from life and and watch top notch movies instead?

I’ve been extremely depressed and sick and unable to do much more than watch movies to block out my thoughts in the past two weeks. I haven‘t written a diary of recommendations in ages, but I feel like I’ll feel better if I pour out my love for my favorites, because I haven’t seen or talked about them with anyone. So... I just have to vent about their awesomeness and I want more people to enjoy them because they deserve recognition.

This one will be... Wow.

It’s bound to cure a little bit of sadness or at least get away from it for a while.

Every single one is different but so unique and amazing, from time-bending thriller, to life and loss, to stopmotion, to romance, to hell, to a man in a sheet walking around the whole movie and somehow it’s perfect... I have so many things that will blow your mind and I can’t keep these gems to myself anymore.

This will be in no specific order. They are all awesome.

I’ll post links as usual to the trailers, it’s up to you to watch them. I won’t give any spoilers though. You’re safe.

---------------------------------------------

A Ghost Story - Dir David Lowery

Ghost 2: Hello.

Ghost 1: Hi.

Ghost 2: I'm waiting for someone.

Ghost 1: Who?

Ghost 2: I don't remember.

Genre: Romance, Drama, Mystery

Trailer (please don’t watch it if you want to be surprised)

---

I can’t, again, write a synopsis without spoiling anything. So I’m going to write it in a question: How long are you willing to wait, and stay, for the person you love, even if you don’t really know if you’ll ever see them again, even if you don’t really know why, when or even how?

This movie is near impossible to explain. There is very little dialogue but it’s striking as hell. I never knew you could feel so much for an actual sheet without an expression that doesn’t talk. It drags on like crazy at times (there is a scene with a pie and I counted, it’s literally one shot for 3 minutes straight and I admit that was weird in the beginning) but in the grand scheme of it all, the slowness, the sudden fastness, the silence, it all adds to the dreadful flavor this movie brings that I haven’t really felt from a movie before. Boy, is this an experience if you’re open to it. And I don’t think I’ll shake this feeling soon.

If you are into symbollic shit and want a movie where you can really lose track of time in, (I watched it while half awake and it was like a lucid dream) I recommend it. Think of the opposite of The Avengers and if that sounds horrible to you, don’t watch, you’ll hate it and think it’s some artsy-fartsy bullshit. Just being real here.

‘A Ghost Story’ with it’s thriller-like name is ironically one of the most romantic/saddest things I’ve ever seen.

+ Bonus point: the main character is a person in a sheet. C’mon.

++ Bonus point: This fucking epic soundtrack.

---------------------------------

- Gifted (2017) - Dir Marc Webb

Mary Adler: “He's a good person. He wanted me before I was smart.“

Genre: Drama, Family

Trailer (Safe to watch)

---

A young girl is gifted/cursed by being way ahead of everyone her age in intellect, something that runs in the family, and her uncle tries to give her a normal life, a happy life, a life any kid deserves by making friends and whatnot, while others think she deserves and is created for ‘more’.

This one struck me harder than I thought because it started relatively sweet, but then adults got involved and made everything difficult. Near the end I had to burry my face in a blanket to stop my crying because it got a little too close to home (not that I’m a genius or know at all how horrible it would be like to be ‘gifted’ like that, but some scenes are things anybody can relate to, really.)

Anybody has felt like the ‘odd one out’ at some point, and the unfairness of how you are treated when you are slightly different and how people jump onto that opportunity like vultures just struck such a cord with me. The child actress is absolutely brilliant, the best I’ve seen in a while, I generally wanted to jump through the screen to hug her because for a second I thought she wasn’t acting, that’s how good she is.

+ Bonus point: A one eyed cat becomes a major plot point.

---------------------------------------------

- Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri - dir Martin McDonagh

Mildred Hayes: “This didn't put an end to shit, you fucking retard; this is just the fucking start. Why don't you put that on your ‘Good Morning Missouri fucking wake up’ broadcast, bitch?“

Genre: Drama, Black Comedy

Trailer (safe to watch)

---

(If you don’t like cursing look away now. Personally, concidering the circumstances of this poor mother’s rage, I think it’s entirely justified.)

A mother who recently lost her daughter by a horrific murder tries to stirr up her small community and the insanely lazy police force to finally do something, and look for the perpetrator, who is still out there.

I love black humor, but this one was very, very... black. I don’t know how you can be so funny and yet deal with such horrific things at the same time, but they pulled it off so, so well.

In a matter of minutes you feel like you are part of this little town and you get just as frustrated as any and every character on the screen, they are all written so well, it’s as if you’ve known them for years. It was so easy to get into the whole story.

Just after five minutes it’s impossible to stop watching. The lead character ( Frances McDormand ) is just simply amazing, I think she was nominated last year too and I can see why. I’m not a mother, but I could feel her heartbreak every second.

+ Bonus Point: No unecessary stupid romantic bullshit, congrats Hollywood, slowly you’re learning and realise that when you see a man and a woman they can be friends.

++ Bonus Point: same director of ‘In Bruges’ and ‘Seven Psychopaths’ so I feel like a fish stuck on a bait already because I adore those movies, but heh... I am happy to be captured once again. I LOVE him.

---------------------------------------------

- Triangle (2009) - Dir Christopher Smith 

????: - IF. THEY. BOARD. KILL. THEM. -

Genre: Psychological Thriller

Trailer (I really recommend you don’t watch this one)

---

I can’t really explain short what this... this... thing is without spoiling anything. Some attractive people straight out of glamour magazines get shipwrecked on their out of a magazine yacht and they get onto another ship. If I say more I ruin all the fun.

I think this might actually be my favorite out of the ones I saw because I remember sitting for an hour straight with a hand covering my mouth with how insane it was. I didn’t know what to believe for a long, long time.

The beginning is such a false representation of what’s to come, and I remember trying to begin watching it years back but I fell for their trick and quit. Now I’ve seen all of it it’s actually up there with some of my favorite psychological thrillers, and I’ve seen ALOT.

But, like I said before, you honestly can’t talk about anything without spoiling it, so don’t even look up the ratings or trailer or synopsis. Just trust me, I went into this knowing nothing and I was never more grateful. (Though know you’ll need a strong stomach at times because there is unexpected blood and gore.)

+ Bonus point: UGH it kills me not being able to tell how brilliant the end is. But yes. The end. And all the crazy foreshadowing.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INTERLUDE

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Void - Steven Kostanski and Jeremy Gillespie

Genre: Horror, mystery, something someth-

trailer

---

HAHA I’m just kidding, this was excruciating. Please don’t see it. I’m sorry but they should be punished for this so I had to include. If you want to have a good laugh though, be my guest. So much potentional, so much promise of a different layer of fear, and it goes absolutely nowhere and it’s so sad. It’s not like I’m stupid and just ‘don’t get it’, there is nothing to get. I don’t think the writers even knew what they were getting at.

I sound so mean, but I am mean because I was robbed of my time.

Yes, yes... they did a good portrayal of Hell. But ironically Hell was sitting through this movie. After seeing ‘Triangle’, a movie that ACTUALLY portays Hell well in my opinion, this is just... amazingly bad. Good special effects can’t save this movie for the life of it.

(I wanted an interlude because making this is pretty draining.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

END INTERLUDE

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- A Simple Plan (1998) - Sam Raimi 

“Sometimes good people do evil things. Four million dollars and plenty of change. They've worked hard all their lives, but they still can't afford the American Dream. Stealing it is even better.”

“Do you ever feel evil?”

Genre: Crime, Suspense

Trailer (safe to watch)

---

Three dudes find a bag of 4 million dollars. Sounds like a slam dunk to me, but it isn’t easy at all because a ton of problems come with it. Who did it actually belong to, is it morally right to keep it, what if the police is after it, does it mean you’re stealing...? What if money corrupts and friendships aren’t like they seem to be and how far will you go to keep it?

This one is straight out of the Coen’s brothers directory, but I’ve looked and I don’t think they have any affiliation with it. Anyway, it’s sooooo reminiscent of Fargo with the set and tone and everything, I honestly thought they had something to do with it. If you’re familliar with Fargo, you’ll absolutely adore this one.

It’s such a dreadful but such a true tale about how people can act ‘differently’ once given an opportunity. You might end up thinking ‘I would never do that’, but... wouldn’t you? You’ve never been in the place of these characters and it’s impossible to imagne, and seeing the true nature of how abhorent you truly can be, can be confrontational.

Everything you try to do leads to more complications, and it’s hard to imagne where you’d say ‘no, enough is enough’.

It’s not an easy watch because it’s way too true but I adore it.

+ Bonus point: Billy Bob Thornton. If you’re not familliar, get on it. He’s amazing, always.

---------------------------------

Isle of Dogs - Wes Anderson

Oracle: It may snow tonight.

Boss: Really? Thank you very much, wow.

Oracle: To whom it may concern.

Boss: She sees the future!

King: Ha! No. She understands TV.

Trailer (safe to watch)

---

In a dystopian near-future Japan, dogs have become a menace because of some dog-flu virus, so they all get deported to a seperate island. But there are conspiracies flowing around, vaccinations being made, and the dogs do whatever they can to stay alive on this god forsaken island of trash.

I never liked dogs, sue me. But for some reason I KNEW this was going to be an experience so I bought a ticket, and holy crap was it worth it. Every single frame is a piece of art. Every. Single. One. (I want an artbook for this movie. Or a poster. Just... ANYTHING because it’s sugar to my eyes.)

I was so overwhelmed with how gorgeous it was, it was hard to concentrate sometimes, but I walked out with such a huge smile that lasted for days. The humor is on-point and yet so dry, just enough to pull you out of that overwhelmed trance. You end up caring for each and every one of the dogs because they are all perfectly rounded characters, better written characters than you see in humans sometimes. It’s mindblowing. The voice acting is perfectly cast and... Just. This movie is a dessert, something we don’t deserve but we got it anyway.

+ Bonus Point: Edward Norton voice acting. I am in love with his voice.

-----------------------------------

WELL. I’ll make another one sooner than I thought because I have so many more to share, but honestly making these posts is a task (a lovely one though) but I have life duties. I didn’t even get to share my favorite ones yet, so stay tuned (nobody will read this but whatever)

[aubaskin-blog]

about me!

so i found this 150 random questions thing so im gonna answer them all cool? cool. (link to original post at bottom)

1. ) What’s better, having high expectations or having low expectations? Low expectations because if you expect the worst, you'll never be disappointed. If the worst happens you'll have expected it, and if it ends up good you'll be happier (I learned that from the Ranger's Apprentice books)

2.) Would you rather go without junk food for a year or go without TV for a year? Junk food because I eat wayyyyy too much junk

3.) Describe your perfect man/woman. Honestly, I'll know the best when I see it. I can't just imagine a perfect person

4.) Thoughts on school dress codes? Good to a point, but can be stupid. My school has a 'no shoulders' rule which is stupid af, but I understand they want people to wear actual clothes to school

5.)Any strange phobias? Nope I'm boring

6.) At what job do you see Donald Trump best fit? A business leader. The country is not a business to be run, and he shouldn't be running it

7.) Who was your first crush? A kid named Pranav in 5th grade. He left our school but I still follow him on Instagram

8.) Who was your first best friend? Two girls named Maggie and Cara (or something like that) in 3rd grade. Cara moved and Maggie stopped being friends with me the next year, although I still see her around sometimes

9.)What is one weird thing about you? I say my hobby is reading, but 99% of the time I'm reading gay fanfiction

10.) Top 5 TV shows you like to watch? The Flash, Supergirl, Forensic Files, Voltron: Legendary Defender, and Pokemon

11.) What are your favorite boys names? Elliot and Oliver

12.) What are your favorite girls names? Ellis, Eden, Athena, unique names like those

13.) Do you have any tattoos? If so, what are they? Nope

14.) Do you plan on getting (more) tattoos? If so, what do you want to get as of the moment? I want some but I want them to be meaningful and all my ideas now are fleeting ideas

15.) Do you have any piercings? Do you plan on getting more? I got my ears pierced a looooong time ago but I stopped wearing earrings after my sister had to get her earlobe stitched together when her earring went through the bottom of her earlobe. I don't even want to wear earrings now

16.) Do you like hugging people? YES I'm a super touchy person and hugs are wonderful

17.) Think of ANY person on earth right now.  Who did you think of? My mom. First it was Newt Scamander before I remembered that he's fictional

18.) Do you have an iPhone? iPhone 8, yes

19.) What is the worst thing that could happen in your life right now? My phone breaks and can't get replaced for a while

20.) Do you watch anime? I used to watch it a lot more but I watch it in like, bursts of a single show over a few days and stop for a while and do it again

21.) What brings true happiness? Love and contentment

22.) What is the most expensive thing you’ve ever paid for? I honestly have no idea

23.) If you could have any job in the world and get paid millions of dollars a year for it, what would you be and why? A stay-at-home reader. I wouldn't have to do anything but read and that's what I do all the time anyways

24.) Do you want children? If so, how many? Yes, 2 or 3 depending on what my partner wants

50.) Have you ever been in a physical fight? No way

51.) When you get out of the shower, do you towel dry, blow dry, or air dry your hair? Towel dry, then air dry once I'm tired of hauling a towel around on my head

52.) When you go to the movies, what snacks and drinks do you take with you? I buy them there or don't have any at all (but I like Sprite and candy like Skittles or Sour Patch Kids)

53.) Do you like going to the beach? If so, do you like to stay dry or go in the water? If not, why? I don't really like the beach but if I'm there I'll have fun. I only go in the water if it's warm (it's usually not)

54.) Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Only if I have to. Not usually though

55.) If you could have a superpower ASIDE from being invisible or being able to fly, what would you have? Being able to fill things up. Need money? Fill up my wallet/bank account. Want to stop talking to someone? Fill up their bladder. You can even fill up your phone battery :D

56.) If you were able to live for however long you wanted to (i’m talking thousands of years without aging), when would you choose to die? Whenever I decided I was done living and that there was nothing else for me on Earth

57.) What do you think happens after you die? It fades to black, like falling asleep except then your conscious disappears forever (I don't like thinking about that part, it's what makes me scared of dying)

58.) Do you believe in aliens? If we exist there has to be someone else out there

59.) Do you believe in ghosts? No but they still scare me

60.) Do you believe in spiritual things like ouija boards, tarot cards, and crystals? Do you believe they are portals for evil entities to enter the mortal world? No and I think Ouija boards are stupid but the rest are fun to just play with. I'm not spiritual at all

61.) If you could make one mythical being real, who/what would you make? Unicorns but they would be poached for their horns so I want to make sure they don't all go extinct so they can fly away in a rainbow burst to avoid hunters

62.) Do you get tan, or do you burn? Both but tan first (I think). SUNSCREEN IS VERY IMPORTANT

63.) Describe your shower routine. Shampoo, body wash, rinse out shampoo and body wash, conditioner, wait a little bit, rinse conditioner

64.) Do you enjoy school? Why or why not? Yes because of my friends, no because of homework and stress

65.) In your opinion, what is the worst way to die? Long and painfully. Short deaths sound better.

66.) Do you get carsick, sea sick, or airplane sickness? I kinda get seasick, and I used to get carsick but that's gotten better. Airplanes I just get bored

67.) What’s one memory that you wish you could live again and again? I don't think I would want to continually live a memory tbh

68.) What were some of your stuffed animal’s names from when you were a kid? I had a lavender colored stuffed dog...it was named 'Purple Doggy'

69.)Do you have any pets? Yes, one black lab named Sarah and two identical white sister cats named Tammi and Sammi

70.) Describe your daily wardrobe. Graphic t-shirt and jeans/jean shorts. Jacket or sweatshirt if its cold

71.)  Describe what your daily wardrobe would be if you were rich. Probably the same, ngl

72.)  Create a character right now.  Give them a name, age, and character description. Ellis, 19, had to quit college to support her younger brother, works at a bookstore, light brown wavy shoulder length hair and green eyes

73.)What was the last thing you bought? A fidget toy and a book called '3000 Questions About Me'. And a wonder where I came up with this idea.

74.) Have you ever bought a CD? What band was it for? My sister bought a Taylor Swift CD when she was like 8, but I only have Sims games and a movie on CD

75.) Describe your perfect ice cream sundae. Vanilla ice cream, sprinkles, a little bit of chocolate sauce, three cherries because sundae cherries are good

76.) If you could make ANYTHING happen right now with no cost, trouble, or obstacles, what would you do? Make myself have the marching band music good and memorized lol that's really getting me

77.) What are some of your favorite physical activities to do? I don't do physical activity

78.) What were some of your favorite shows as a child? Dora, Zoey 101, iCarly

79.) Describe how you would survive the zombie apocalypse.  I wouldn't

80.) What are some things you shouldn’t say at work? “Wow, my boss really sucks”

81.) If you were told that if you killed someone, you would save 100 people, would you do it? Yes but it would probably haunt me

82.) How’s the weather right now? Sunny, kind of windy, warm (I'm just looking outside)

83.) What is the background on your cell phone right now? A picture of a city I got from Google

84.) Is it better to work at a job that you love or a job that pays well? Job you love

85.) What do you have within arms reach of your bed? My phone charger, alarm clock, an IKEA cart with a bunch of random stuff, usually my glasses, anything else I leave on the window sill

86.) Have you ever been fired from a job? If so, why? Being fired would require having a job in the first place

87.) Have you ever won a trophy, prize, or medal? If so, for what? I've gotten a decent number of soccer medals from my childhood, and I got two regional and one state trophies from DI (Destination Imagination) when I was in 4th and 5th grade. I haven't gotten any actual individual awards

88.) Do you have any posters, pictures, or art hanging on your walls in your room? If so, what are they? I have a pride flag, and a galaxy calendar from last year just for the pictures. No art though

89.) Are you afraid of the dark? If so, why? Not really, but I don't like running up the stairs at night when the house is dark. I get scared of what could be behind me

90.)What is something that you’ve never done but would like to try? Skydiving, lots of stuff with my friends, nothing in particular

91.) If you could choose three famous people or characters to be friends with, who would you choose and why? Hermione Granger-she's a genius and sassy af, Newt Scamander- his hair is the best omg I love him and his actor (Eddie Redmayne :))) ), and John Laurens (from Hamilton)- he deserved better. So much better.

92.) Do you smile at strangers when you pass by them on the street? Sometimes, but it can get creepy fast

93.) Do you have a favorite TV commercial? If so, what is it? I probably do, but I can't think of one in particular

94.) Do you like your handwriting? When it looks good, yes

95.) Cable TV or Netflix? Netflix, but I tend to watch cable more

96.) What are your favorite smells? Vanilla, black cherry and s'mores

97.) Do you consider yourself physically strong? Lol no way

98.) Describe a time where you said something really rude or mean, whether intentional or not. I can't think of a particular time but a good portion of the time if I say something mean I mean it and they deserve it.

99.) Do you ask strangers to pet their dogs? Of course, it's very rude other wise. If this is about petting dogs, you bet your ass I'm petting a dog if I can.

100.)What is your most embarrassing moment? I can't think of anything in particular but I've misspoken more times than I can ever count or remember. Those don't always end the best.

101.) Has anyone really close to you ever died? If so, who was it and how did you handle it? No, the closest was my grandpa but weren't close. I didn't really care...which sounds horrible but I've become desensitized to this stuff

102.)  Describe your plan of action if you were home alone and you heard someone break into your house. Grab my phone and keys and run outside, drive my car up the street and call 911. If I can't get my keys, hide behind a neighbor's house and call 911 from there

103.) If you were to be born again, would you want to be born male or female? Male because being a female kinda sucks. Plus it'd be cool to experience both sides of the equation

104.)  What shampoo do you use? Kirkland. Conditioner too

105.) Guess the meaning of this word: ulotrichous. Atrocious because that's how it sounds (both meanings)

106.) Do you let messages (phone, email, text, social media, etc…) build up, or do you have to look at them right away? Text and email notifications especially make me anxious, I have to look at them, even just so the number goes away. I don't get many texts in the first place though

107.)  Where is the nearest McDonalds to your house? Super close, I've walked there before. (Google maps says 1.1 miles)

108.)  If you had $1 billion and you had to spend it in exactly one week, what would you spend it on? A big house, cars, and as much stuff as I could think of. The rest goes into a bank account. Actually, all of it goes into a bank account

109.) What is the best thing you’ve ever eaten? Those store-bought sugar cookies. There's probably something else but I'm blanking. I've had good sushi before though.

110.) If you could go on a trip around the world with up to three people, who would you bring (they can be people you know personally or famous people). My friend Connor, one celebrity he wants and one I want. Maybe John Mulaney? He's super funny.

111.) What expletive/ explicit phrase do you say most often? Probably hell. The other two main ones make it in a lot too though

112.) What is your personal definition of success? Being happy with where you are in life or your job or whatever, not needing to be further than you are

113.) How was your day today? It's been pretty okay, actually. Nothing tragic has happened yet lol

114.) What is the closest Big City you live by? I'm gonna go BIG city because privacy so of the main four (LA, NYC, Houston, Orlando) in the USA, New York City

115.) Have you ever been in a car accident? No but I hit my mom's car backing out of the driveway and scratched off some paint and dented my car a bit (whoops)

116.) Do you hide anything from your parents? Everything on my phone. Everything.

117.) If you could possess one talent, what would you be able to do? Is having a good memory a talent? Because I want a really good memory. And art abilities.

118.) Ugly and smart or beautiful and stupid? Ugly and smart lol

119.) What is the worst thing you’ve ever seen in real life? When we took a trip to South Carolina there was a massive, 3 inch long spider whose web was next to the front door. I cried.

120.) Use only 3 words to describe how you want your future to go. Happy, rich-ish, comfortable

121.) QUICK! give me a few things a brick could be useful for! Throwing at somebody's head and killing them (wtf me)

122.) If you could make a dream society, describe it in great detail where it would be, who would be in it, and what rules there would be? No discrimination, no crime, everyone happy and nice

123.) If you could make any animal miniature, what would you make and why? A dog because my dog is looking at me right now like she wants a miniature her

124.) What are your favorite candle scents? I don’t use candles, my mom hates open flames. I have burned some vanilla tea candled though

125.) If you HAD to have one plastic surgery, what would you get and why? The bridge of my nose, I'm self-conscious about it because it's lower than it should be as a result of many, many years of glasses. I usually wear contacts now though.

126.) Do you prefer to hang out with the same sex or the opposite sex? I mostly hang out with my same sex friends for long periods and my opposite sex friends for shorter periods. I would have to say opposite ex friends because I'm closer to them.

127.) If you could make a charity, what would the profits go towards? How would you raise money for it? The money would go towards lgbt+ kids and supporting them, especially if they don't get support from their parents or can't tell them. I would raise money through online advertising on sites like Tumblr and Instagram because they tend to have higher lgbt+ populations. Also through popular Youtuber donations if possible.

128.) Describe the body you wish you had. Skinnier, a better smile, less facial hair, blue or green eyes.

129.) If you were a famous director, what would your next movie be about? Describe the plot, characters, and possible title. Something soulmates and m/m. A romance movie, but they're meant to be together because of something (tattoos, colors, etc). They meet and both like each other, but it's only when they realize they're soulmates they confess and fall in love and it's the happy, fluffy masterpiece all Tumblr kids wish existed. (Call Me By Your Name got pretty far though)

130.) If only women were to rule the world, how different would the world be by 2050? More equality, male supremacy protests, everything would probably be better tbh.

131.) What is your favorite alcoholic drink? I'm 16

132.) Do you have a problematic friend? YES and she's not my friend anymore

133.) Are you more spontaneous or more of a planner? Both at the worst moments. I'll plan out my day (which won't work out) and be spontaneous when it comes to tests: "Crap I forgot about that I'll study the bell before" which sometimes actually manages to work.

134.) If you could change your full name, what would your name be? Something with more meaning and better initials

135.) What is one song that describes your life? The Lazy Song by Bruno Mars (there are probably better ones but eh)

136.) What is one show you’ve been meaning to watch but can never find the time for? I've been halfway through Pokemon: XY for over a month

137.) Do you find it easy to drop toxic people from your life that you’ve known for a long time? It depends. If I see them a lot, no. Once I stop seeing someone irl it's too easy for me to drop someone. If they do something really bad and all my friends feel that way then it's super easy

138.) Do you like children? Why or why not? In general yes but I don't want to be around them 24/7 (aka why I like being home alone without my three younger siblings)

139.) What is your zodiac sign? Taurus

140.) Do you like to dance? Do you dance often? In front of other people? No I suck at dancing, but I do rock out to music

141.) Name some of your favorite colors. Grey, black, purple, blue

142.) Have you ever shoplifted? If so, what was it? I've thought about it but no, I haven't

143.) If you could speak three additional languages, what would they be? Spanish, French and some random language I can surprise people with. Like Dutch or something.

144.) Have you ever been in legal trouble? Nope! I'm an innocent child

145.) Have you ever had surgery? No and I hope I never have to

146.) If you could change 2 things about yourself, what would you change and why? My smile and my motivation levels. Smile bc it looks terrible and motivation because I actually need to get stuff done sometimes. And mental health.

147.) What do you want done with your body after you die? Cremation, I guess. I don't want to become a firework or anything

148.) What three physical features do people compliment you most on? What do they say about them? I don't really get compliments; my mom likes my hair though. It's wavy after I shower

149.) If you could have your own business, what would you do? Make things for lazy people that people are surprised that they needed (but actually do need)

150.) What current friend do you have that you’ve known the longest? My friend Amanda, since the start of 6th grade. We're going on 5 years now!

yay now you should try these the original post is here and feel free to ask me any other questions bc i like talking to internet strangers :)

[gunnerpalace]

Currently, I am worth about $-24,000 alive, and $77,000 dead.

According to American capitalism, I should kill myself. It’s a simple value proposition.

Spare me any bullshit about how precious human life is, or about lifetime earning potential. Economically, nobody cares about the supposedly priceless uniqueness of an individual, and nobody cares that the average person makes approximately a million dollars over their lifetime.

In this country, all things have a dollar value, and are evaluated by short-term performance returns. Sometimes, in our infinite generosity, that's annually. Mostly, it's quarterly. And for speculative investments, it's moment to moment.

Let's speculate about me. I scored an averaged 99th percentile on the U.S. Armed Forces’ Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery. (By USAF’s MAGE scoring, 98th, 99th, 99th, and 98th.) I’m in the top 1% of the population, which means I can be rapidly trained to do almost anything you can imagine. I have a four year degree, specifically a BA in Creative Writing. What is my value?

The answer is basically zero.

Some jackass would inevitably snark about picking the wrong degree. Sure, true enough. In retrospect, I should've been a geologist. But in other places, that degree would still mean something. Hell, even here there was a time, not too long ago, when that degree would've meant something. It used to be that in this country you could be a secretary with a high school degree; now employers want a Bachelor’s in “Secretarial Science” (as if every other degree doesn’t involve utilizing office software) and three years of experience for an intro level job.

No one is really going to take a gamble on me. Why bother? Loyalty to employees is dead. It's an employer's market. There’s no reason to train anyone anymore when you can demand they be qualified out of the gate. (Nobody ever bothers to discuss that employees don’t show employers loyalty because employers themselves stopped being loyal in the eighties; another part of Ronald Reagan’s amazing legacy, along with neutralizing unions and ushering in seemingly permanent wage stagnation.)

I haven't had a real job in almost five years. The main reason for that is because I haven't bothered trying very much. The main reason for that is because it's degrading. The labor market is irretrievably fucked. Ability is largely meaningless. (So is hard work, by the way.) You're expected to take the lowest of the low jobs, or even unpaid internships, and suck it up. Sell yourself! (Quite literally, wage slave, because the real meaning behind that phrase is “lie and grovel in just the right ratio to win the right to eat.”) Welcome to the gig economy!

Another jackass would say, "Well, it's your own fault! You didn't try!" And that makes a lot of sense if you're someone who's been indoctrinated into believing that the value of a human life stems from the hourly earnings it yields. Prosperity gospel is one hell of a drug, and you better believe it’s not limited to theological sermons.

It doesn't have to be this way. Forget whatever some libertarian or conservative naysayer wants you tell you, because America isn’t the only place in the world. Not everywhere thinks that human beings are cogs in a machine whose only reason for existence is revenue generation. (And you know what? They often work better as a result it.)

And you know, I just don't feel compelled to bust my ass for minimum wage when a fucking beach bum can almost become Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, a conman with dementia can become President of the United States, the world's official richest man is a slaver, and the world's unofficial richest man is a murderous gangster. If these are the people who are in charge, then honestly, I’m qualified to be Emperor of the entire fucking human race.

Success has got nothing to do with your value. It's got everything to do with your luck. The luckiest, most ruthless assholes are the ones who succeed. As someone much smarter than me put it:

BILL MOYERS: Why do you think, David, that we tolerate such gaps in between rich and poor?

DAVID SIMON: You know, I'm fascinated by it. Because a lot of the people who end up voting for that kind of laissez-faire market policy are people who get creamed by it. And I think it's almost like a casino. You're looking at the guy winning, you're looking at the guy who pulled the lever and all the bells go off, when a guy wins, and all the coins are coming out of a one-armed bandit. You're thinking, "That could be me. I'll play by those rules." But actually, those are house rules. And you're going to lose. Most of you are going to lose.

You know the best part? The smart ones who made it know it's bullshit.

And it'll only get worse when a quarter of jobs disappear over the next decade.

That's why the smart ones who made it and know better are building doomsday bunkers and preparing for the end of the world as we know it.

You don't hear anything about this, because the people in charge don't give a fuck about you. It's not a problem for them. In fact, they welcome the chaos. Robots and software don't ask questions. Robots and software don't demand a living wage. Robots and software don’t expect work-life balance. Robots and software don't want healthcare, or retirement plans, or maternity leave, or breaks to poop. Robots and software don't crave basic human decency.

When everything goes to shit, when there are food riots, when the oceans rise, when the very air boils, when you die in some horrible way or another, they will be safe and sound, at least for a little while. (And maybe it won’t be quite so bad, but still, who do you think will have it the easiest?)

Why do you think Elon Musk is trying so hard to get to Mars? (And no, he's not the real-life Tony Stark he so desperately wants you to think he is, or even Nikola Tesla 2.0, who you should also stop worshiping, nerds.)

Don't get me wrong, I'm very aware that I'm privileged in even having a chance to opt out of participating in this system. Believe me, I know. And I know that I won't be able to do it forever.

But none of that changes the fact that according to American capitalism, I should kill myself—preferably as cheaply as possible!—and offer up my organs to be parceled out to more deserving individuals, because I'm a "failure at being a good person."

Well, I want to live.

I want to be a stay-at-home husband. I want to make banana bread and grow a little spice garden. I want to do part-time work that stimulates me intellectually and creatively. I want to be a fucking human being whose value comes from self-satisfaction and personal improvement.

And so if American capitalism judges me as deficient, as subhuman, as excess, as waste, if under its paradigm I should just die, then I say fuck it, the horse it rode in on, and its riders.

It is and they are the ones that should die, screaming.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #112

“i’m like a jesus crisis.”

Have you ever kissed someone who was drunk?  He wasn't wasted or anything, but I'm pretty sure he was drunk with how ungodly talkative he was, and was way more expressive of emotions than he naturally was. Do you like going to weddings?  I do again now.  Although I haven't been to one since recovery, I'm sure I'd handle it fine and actually be happy this time.  I need to get more comfortable in that setting since I'd actually really like a big part of my hopeful photography career to be weddings.  Such a big celebration of love is something I adore.  I already just like taking pictures of couples. Who was the last person you know who became pregnant?  BECAME pregnant, uh, I think a person I'm actually doing pictures for in January. Beach, city, or mountains?  M O U N T A I N S.  DAMMIT they're so beautiful. You get a call at 2:00 a.m. - your first thought is:  My instinctive answer to this question is, "is something wrong with Sara?"  I live with my mom and sister, so it wouldn't be them, and it's not like Ashley calls me if there's trouble, she'd call Mom.  Dad would call Ashley.  She's pretty much the only thing that would come to mind if someone called me at 2:00 A.M. Future names of your children:  I'm not having kids, but I'd absolutely name my daughter Alessandra and my son probably Luther, Vincent, or Victor. How much does your mother know about your sex life (or lack thereof)?  She's aware I'm a virgin but have "done things." Are any of your siblings married? What are their spouses’ names?  Nick and very recently Joshua.  I don't know if one's married or anything whatsoever, two are in relationships, idk about my brother. Do you think age matters in relationships?  In romantic relationships, yes. What brand of face wash do you use?  Biore. What’s the last letter of your last name?  S Did your parents give you an allowance as a kid?  No, we couldn't afford to do that. Would you ever consider moving to another country for your career?  No, and that's the reason I'm not pursuing being a meerkat biologist. Do you have any lingerie? Lol no, no one wants to see me in that. What was the shortest amount of time you knew someone before dating them?  A few weeks.  Maybe a little less than a month. What is your favorite app on your phone?  Fuckin' thanks Sara, DragonVale.  I love Pinterest more when I actually go on it, but I don't use it a lot. Which of your pets were you closest to in your lifetime?  The dog I have now, Teddy. Who are you most proud of?  Myself.  I don't mean that in an arrogant way, but seriously.  I don't over-exaggerate what I've been through, but I don't make it sound lesser than what it was, either.  I know I should be proud. When you’re eating pizza do you add anything like crushed peppers, parmesan cheese or hot sauce to it?  No.  Jason got me into adding hot sauce to jalapeno pizza (we wanted death, I know), but I don't do it now.  Loved it, but I think it being slightly less hot was more enjoyable. When was the last time that you plucked your eyebrows?  I've never plucked them; I used to get them waxed, but no longer do.  Don't see the point- they're just going to grow back, and quickly, and I'm not wasting money on that maintenance.  It's not like normal eyebrows are hideous anyway. Do you ever argue or debate with people about your beliefs? I will avoid this at all costs.  I hate it. When’s the last time you had Sunny D? Holy moly, I couldn't tell you.  But it used to sometimes give me heartburn, so I could only fucking imagine drinking it now if I hadn't taken my heartburn medication. Would you turn a family member in if you see them commit murder?  Duh. Would you risk your life to save a total stranger? A total stranger, honestly, no.  I don't know anything about that person.  Could be a piece of shit. Have you ever embarrassed someone intentionally in public? I don't remember ever doing so, and I never could now.  As someone with AvPD, I know how fucking awful embarrassment can be.  Plus it's just rude to try to make someone uncomfortable like that. Are you more likely to believe a man or woman? I'm perfectly aware this is wrong, but a woman.  I'm afraid of and don't trust men. Are you satisfied with the picture on your ID card?  Hell no.  Thank God I look like a totally different person now. What fruit did you last eat?  Hmmm, maybe strawberries? What font do you use most? I prefer Garamond for basic things. Are you allergic to anything? Pollen, big time, and silver. Where is your dad from? Ohio.  ... Or maybe he was born in Michigan but grew up in Ohio.  Idk. Aside from your own, whose house did you last set foot into?  Ashley's co-worker's. What was the first thing you learned how to cook? Scrambled eggs.  And it's still the only thing I know how to cook lmao. What are some wild animals commonly found where you live?  Squirrels and birds are the only things you commonly see.  But you'll see a deer sometimes, too, and more rarely a rabbit.  I think I've seen a fox once in my entire life.  Oh yeah, you'll see possums and raccoons sometimes at night. Does it take a lot to make you cry?  Noooope.  Well, yes to physical pain. What’s the longest hospital stay you’ve had? For what?  Uhhh I think I was there for two weeks.  Mental stuff. Do you know any same-sex married couples?  Hm... I actually don't think I personally do. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?  There was a point where we dated, Jason was like my only real life friend lol, so he was.  Now I call my girlfriend my best friend, but if you don't include s/os, then my current one would be a guy. Skim, 1%, 2% or whole milk?  Eh, probably 2%. Was the last person you kissed physically attractive? Personally, I wasn't physically attracted to him.  But he's definitely not an ugly guy or anything. Do you prefer to say “haha” or “lol?”  I'd say I use them just about the same amount... maybe "lol" more? How many stories does your house have?  One. Were you dreams very vivid as a child? Yes. Do you eat meat?  If you do, what is your justification for it? Yes.  One, the human diet is meant to contain meat.  It's much easier for our bodies to receive the nutrients it needs with meat.  Two, it's part of population control.  Yes, I know, you could argue the exact same for humans, but it's not like a sane person's gonna start eating humans.  Three, it's just the food chain.  Humans are on top of it.  The process of killing an animal for food seems horrible and cruel, I know, and I doubt I personally could do it unless it was a survival situation, but I don't see it as morally wrong. Do you think that time travel is a possibility?  I don't think it's possible, really.  And if it ever happened, you can bet we'd fuck shit up. Do you enjoy night or day better?  I've actually gotten to where I enjoy day.  I strangely have a much higher chance of experiencing anxiety at night, which has kinda turned me away from it.  Plus I have more energy and am generally in a better mood over all in the early day. Have you ever been to a protest? No.  But the more and more passionate I get about gay rights, I'd absolutely partake in a *peaceful* protest regarding that subject now if one was nearby. Worst decision you ever made?  Let a heavily flawed person essentially become God to me. Do you like to hang out with friends one-on-one or in groups? Eh, depends on the mood of those who would be involved, including myself. Bambi or Nemo?  Nemo.  I've actually never seen Bambi, but I love Nemo.  Lil cutie. Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook?  Don and Aaron, yeah.  Well wait, Juan too, but I barely even consider him an ex. Has your partner ever accused you of cheating, when you actually didn’t? No. If your hair is long, would you ever think about having it cut short? Or, if it’s short, would you like to grow it long?  I have a short portion on the left and then the rest is shoulder-length.  After seeing myself with a bit of short hair, I'm thinking of getting a purely short haircut eventually.  Built my confidence up when Mom said she thought I'd probably look nice with a short hairstyle after seeing my new haircut.  It'd be something different. What area of science interests you the most?  Genetics. Have you ever been in an inflatable bouncy house? Yeah. Do you think there will be a WWIII?  Yes, eventually.  I don't think humanity's going anywhere too soon, and there's too many militant people. What are things you’re exceptionally good at? Uh.  Going into full-blown panic mode over stupid shit??  That's my specialty. Do you have any good book ideas?  I think a ton of the stories within my friend group's RP would make amazing novels, but I highly doubt any of us will ever actually make books about it. In all honesty, can a person be too nice?  Mixed feelings.  I just don't think some people deserve being nice to, but a part of me says you should treat everyone with kindness regardless, all the while not letting people get away with shit. Is mental abuse really as bad as physical abuse?  Fuck yes it can be.  Some people will take one worse than the other, but both are fucking awful.  Both can ruin someone's life. Zelda Twilight Princess or Ocarina of Time? I have zero interest in Zelda. Do you own a rosary? I'm sure I have one somewhere.  I was raised Roman Catholic, and essentially every Catholic has one. What's the hardest game you've ever played?  Fucking Dark Souls.  I gave it a good effort, but did nooot get that far.  The difficulty honestly drained all the fun out of it.  The hardest game I've ever beaten, uhhh... omg.  Maybe it was just my age/when I played it, but "The Legend of Spyro: The Eternal Night" was so.  Fucking.  Hard.  It literally took me a year or so playing it on-and-off to beat it.  Fantastic game, but my god it was hard.  "Parasite Eve" was also pretty damn hard (mostly thanks to the last boss, jc), but I definitely beat it faster. Would you ever try Fear Factor for one million dollars? Why or why not?  No, wouldn't see the point in wasting the time.  I KNOW I would never get past the second day where you eat some crazy shit.  Nope.  Couldn't do most things they do due to me being a germaphobe, either. If you have a camera, when do you use flash? I never do because I hate the lighting personally, plus the red eyes are just no.  I'd need to learn more about properly using it. What do you call your grandparents? Grammy and Grandpa. What color do you usually paint your nails? I don't paint my nails. Do you look better with red lipstick or black lipstick?  I personally think black.  It fits me better. How many times have you actually been in love?  Once.  I'm not to that point in my current relationship, but I most certainly love her.  There's a difference. How many pills do you take a day?  Five. Have you ever been around someone who was high?  Yeah. Do you want a church wedding?  Definitely not, that's way too traditional for my taste. Have you ever met any celebrities? Lol you don't meet celebrities among my interests in NC.  One day. Have you ever tried archery?  No, but I was interested in it once. Favorite foreign food? Hm.  I'm not sure. Were your ancestors royalty? I only know of Queen Victoria. Does your house have air conditioning throughout, or do you have one that sits in your window? Throughout. Would you ever move to Canada? Sure.  I mean it wouldn't be my first pick for sure, but there's beautiful landscapes, and it at least seems to have way less drama than here. What about Kansas?  Tornado Alley?  Fuck that shit. When you go swimming, do you put your hair up or down?  I keep it down. What do you think is the coolest piercing on someone else?  Ohhh.  This really depends on the person.  Coolest... probably collarbone dermals.  If mine were actually prominent and dermals didn't make me nervous, I'd probably have them.  They're beautiful, but seem super painful.  And risky. Are you attracted to girls?  I've pretty quickly realized I'm more attracted to them than men both physically and emotionally. Growing up what were your favorite cartoon characters?  I loved both Pikachu and Ash. Do you know anyone in a wheelchair?  I don't believe so. If heaven or hell didn’t exist and wasn’t a reward would you still make an effort in being a good person? Duh. Do you want your kids to go to church, synagogue, temple, mosque? Why?  If I had kids, I wouldn't force them to go.  I don't even go. Do you think starting a gofundme is begging or helpful?  It can be either depending on the reason and person's honest intentions. Could you put your dreams on hold to support your bf/gf pursuing theirs? On hold?  Yes. How long should sex last?  It depends on the couple and how they're feeling.  But once one person wants to stop, you stop. Five year plan? Go!  Move out and have a stable job.  Those are the main two things.  Other things will fall into place. Can you be content if you are physically uncomfortable?  I couldn't be. Do you have pictures of your friends, and family in your bedroom? No. How old were you when you went on your first date?  That was like 7th grade, don't know age.  Me, Aaron, and I think two other friends went to a roller rink.  It was enough of a date for middle schoolers lol. Have you ever had surgery, if so for what?  Tubes put in ears when I was 2, pilonidal cyst surgery July this year. Have you ever seen a shark, and if so, were you scared? Never in the wild, just in aquariums.  They never scared me.  Such majestic creatures.  Now if I saw one in the ocean, yeah, I'd be scared. Have you ever gone fishing, or is that totally yucky? Fishing with Dad may just hold my all-time favorite childhood memories.  One of my most cherished memories is this time Dad, Nicole, and I woke up really early to go out on the boat at the nearby river to fish 'til around noon, when activity slows down.  So peaceful and beautiful out there, I'd love to fish there again with him.  I remember it so clearly that I can recall I packed those tiny 3 Musketeers chocolates and Nicole brought Snickers, lol.  Didn't have breakfast since we left so early.  Man... so many good memories related to fishing. Do you enjoy museums, or think they are totally boring? I.  LOVE.  Museums. Do you think illegally downloading things is wrong?  My conscience says yes.  You're stealing.  Yet I still download music.  Oops. Have you and your friend ever liked the same guy/girl?  Not that I know of. Do you tell your best friend everything?  I tell Sara just about every little thing. Ever taken any lessons for anything? Guitar lessons, yeah. Do you call it pop, soda, or fizzy drink?  Soda. Do you like french fries, cheese and gravy mixed together? Uh, that sounds horrid, even without the fact I hate gravy. Do you live in a house, apartment, or what? House. How hot does the temperature get in the summer where you live?  Mid-high 90s, low 100s.  Sometimes high 80s. When was the last time you had a headache? What about stomachache?  Headache, a couple days ago or so.  I get them a lot.  Stomachache, not since I got sick two or so months back. Where is your second home?  Uh.  I guess my dad's? Honestly, could you live without your computer?  Honestly, after being exposed to one for so long, I couldn't live happily, no.  Not unless I just adjusted to not having one after a very, very long time, but I don't even know if that would happen. What is more annoying, people who take forever to reply to texts or when they only say ‘K’? I stg do not reply to me with just "k." Is family the most important thing in your life? If not, what is? My definition of family is different than the traditional.  Just like friends, for me, you pick "real" family.  Say I'm related to an absolute asshole; by actual definition, they'd be family, but to me, nope.  I can put other people above "actual" family, so to answer the question, not necessarily. After taking a shower, do you change in the bathroom or the bedroom?  Bathroom. Are you completely over your last relationship?  There was nothing to get over.  I never got to where I loved him and doubt I ever could.  It was just awkward. Last 3 movies you watched?  "Monster House," "Corpse Bride," and uhhh... pretty sure "Coraline." Do you get stage fright?  Well, when I used to dance, it wasn't that bad since I was with others.  Now, I'm not so sure how I'd be. When was the last time you read a whole book, to the last page exactly?  February. Did you ever actually have a rubber duck? Pretty sure yes. Do you love your computer? MY laptop, yes.  The one I currently have to use, ew. Is there an outdoor movie theater where you live?  No. Have you ever seen your mom or dad drunk?  Both.  Mom claimed she wasn't, but I think she was. Do your parents vote? Mom does, idk about Dad. What’s your favorite thing to eat during a movie? Popcorn. Do you like cherry Pepsi? I like cherry Coke. Would you rather live without your Facebook or Tumblr? Facebook. What Lisa Frank character is your favorite?  Ohhh, the angelic cat. If you inherited a large sum of money what is the first thing you’d buy?  A train ticket. What did you do with your baby teeth when they fell out?  Mom kept them. What is the last thing you took a photograph of?  My snake. <3 Do you have a bookshelf? If so, just one or how many?  It's technically a bookshelf I think, but we store our DVDs there. If you answered yes to the above, are your books ordered in a special way? The DVDs are in alphabetical order. If dinosaurs could be tamed, would you want one as a pet? If they were guaranteed to not attack their owners/be docile and I could care for it appropriately, sure, I'd keep a smaller raptor. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? It's not consistent. If you could choose only one thing from Walmart, what would it be?  Hot fries or Takis, depending on my mood. Would you rather get highlights or dye your whole head?  Dye everything.

[crackopenabook]

Cognitive Dissonance

       I wake up in my college dorm, once again drenched in sweat - a common occurrence these days. An outline of my body is molded into the sheets and mattress. I put my headphones into my ears, turn on my iPod and play a song that is chock full of melancholy and sadness. I walk into the conjoined college bathroom, splash water onto my face and just look at my reflection in the mirror. A stranger looks back at me.

       I grew up in an abusive household. My father is an alcoholic with a bad temper, and the alcohol only exacerbated his verbal abuse toward my mother, my younger brother and me. It was an onslaught of being called, “stupid”, “ugly”, and even one time he called me a “tramp”; I was only 13 years old at the time. I spent the majority of my life in extracurricular activities, from playing club soccer to Catholic Sunday school classes.  Pretending you didn’t live in an abusive household was pretty exhausting, feigning happiness became an art form of sorts. This one particular occasion that stands out was in my 7th grade gym class. I remember how my face felt awkward when I smiled and laughed. When I got home that evening I examined my face when I smiled: the left side of my face was slower than the right. When I blinked my left eyelid took a few seconds longer to match the right in movement. When I drank water, the water dribbled out of the left side of my mouth, when I flared my nostrils only the right side would flare out the left stayed motionless. I remained relatively calm when I brought my mother into my room to look at this anomaly. She took me to the doctor the next day and I was diagnosed with Bell’s Palsy, which in my case, was related to stress. This was not one of those moments where we tell the doctor the type of abuse we endure day to day. I took my prescribed medicine and moved on with my life.        Major Depression Disorder affects more than 16.1 million American adults, or about 6.7% of the U.S. population age 18 and older in any given year. [1] When I was a freshman in High School, I began having anxiety attacks during the day, it was as if there was a large weight on my chest and I felt my heart slow down. Normally these attacks would happen at night. I would be lying in bed, trying to fall asleep, but then I would see the walls start caving in around me. It would feel as if my body was being pinched between two fingers, a hard thing to describe. I had the impulse to jump out of bed and begin walking as fast as I could, sometimes I would I have to go outside so I can take a deep breath with fresh air in it. I would mention these events to my Mother but I think she just found it odd but nothing really came from my telling of these anxiety attacks. I don’t believe she really knew much about depression and anxiety, or at least, she didn’t put a label on it.        My freshman year of college was out in Brenham, Texas, just an hour north of Houston. I was pretty excited to live on campus because that meant I was going to be far, far away from my Father. However, the loneliness I felt while I was there took me by surprise. Growing up, I had no problem sitting in my room reading a book. I wasn’t very social outside of my sports playing and church-going activities. I suppose my being holed up in my dorm room, outside of going to class, wasn’t the healthiest option. My roommate was cordial and on the occasion would include me when her friends came over to study. I found it must more pleasant when she would go home for the weekend, some peace and quiet, for me to collect my thoughts. There was a night that my roommate was away and I was feeling so sad. I was frustrated that I wasn’t doing well in any of my classes that weren’t electives, I missed my dog, and strangely enough my home. I began thinking about what would happen if I decided to kill myself. What were the pros of no longer existing, anywhere but here would have to be better; even as a God-fearing Catholic I was willing to take those odds of being sent to Hell for suicide. I put a large amount of my depression medication in my hand and put it up to my mouth to ingest but I couldn’t do it. I thought about how much my death would destroy my Mother, how much she has gone through with my Father and how she didn’t deserve to endure pain by my hand.        I withdrew from Blinn College in April 2007, moved back home, my parents got a divorce, and I just began working full time. Since I was making some money from working so much I moved out of my Mom’s home and started working three jobs at the mall. I was so busy living a 21-year-old lifestyle I didn’t have time to dwell on my sadness. I still have major depression that rears its ugly head when I’m overwhelmed by work but I put on a happy face to power through. What else can you do? ________________        You begin routines to push you from sunrise to sunset. The industry I work in has the “same shit different day” attitude, I work as an estimator for a body shop. Dealing with the aftermaths of peoples hardships; their loss is my gain. Customers and insurance groups don’t see the monetary benefit I see from damaged vehicles that cost thousands of dollars to fix. However, when dealing with that amount of money from various companies across the country can become very stressful. Paperwork, the quality of work you need to sell back to the owners of those vehicles, and the hassle of collecting payment from insurance companies that might feel they don’t have to pay for certain items.        I have worked for three different body shops around the city of Houston and each one has the same type of coping mechanism: drinking alcohol and ingesting various types of drugs. When I first began in the automotive industry I was still “green”, which was just another term for being new to the field. One of my co-workers, Josh, had anxiety issues and took a high dosage of clonazepam[2] which can help with panic attacks but can also lead to suicidal thoughts, memory loss, and drowsiness. Josh would give me a pill or two to take when he could see I was having a rough day. Normally after a long work week, my co-workers and I would buy a bottle of Crown Royal and hang around the shop for a majority of the night. Josh would tell me, “Fuck it, this job sucks anyway” and we would take a clonazepam with a glass of whiskey.        One afternoon I couldn’t handle the clonazepam I took. I honestly can’t remember how many I took, but I remember having a major panic attack. I couldn’t stop crying or saying how much I wanted to die. It was enough that my manager at the time asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital and...I don’t remember how I got to the emergency room. After I was evaluated, my Mother and Step Dad showed up at the hospital and talked with me about what I was feeling. I was put in an ambulance and taken to a mental institution and held there for 7 days. This was a completely different type of outcome than my attempt at attempted suicide some 6 years prior. You have a routine from sunrise to sunset in that hospital. Nurses wake you up around five in the morning to take your blood pressure, take your meds, and then back to bed only to be woken up again at eight in the morning for breakfast. It was an interesting system to be in because of the different types of health issues you personally get to be involved with. My first night there I was woken up to a woman screaming for her cigarettes. Some of those women coming off of meth or heroin can’t miss an opportunity to smoke or else they will fight a nurse.        This hospital was split between men and woman when it came to breakfast, lunch, dinner, and quiet time. You can’t spend too much time mingling with the opposite sex. I did notice a younger, dark-haired, Hispanic guy who couldn’t have been more than 25 years old. He was manic-depressive; the way he would just stare off into the distance but he had a look in his eyes that just seemed empty and lifeless. I would try to talk to him but he wouldn’t really say much of anything, hardly a grunt of acknowledgement. The other guys would say “he’s too quiet” and “very weird”. I saw something in that manic-depressive guy that I was so afraid to see in myself. I couldn’t shut myself off completely like that. I had one of my best friends from the body shop, Chris, come and visit me. He asked me, “How long are you gonna be held up in here? This place feels creepy, almost like jail but cleaner.” My best friend has been in county jail for street racing so I could see where he was coming from. “I don’t know when they’ll let me out of here. Once I have my evaluation and the doctors think it’s safe for me to go home.”, I told him. Chris had such a look of pity and confusion on his face and in his eyes. I’ve always been honest with Chris about my depression but he could never quite wrap his head around the issue of me just feeling sad. After 5 days in that hospital, I was ready to fake being happy. I missed my home, my dog, and fresh air from outside of those walls. On the 7th day, I was released. My Mother came to pick me up from the hospital and as soon as we drove away from the building I started crying. A cry of relief, of shame, guilt, and happiness to be free.

________________

I was fired from my job at the body shop a month after I returned to work from getting out of the hospital. I honestly can not remember my final month at the shop. I am fairly certain they kept my workload to a minimum. When I was let go it was the shop foreman, TJ, that brought me into the manager's office, “I’m sorry, Ashley, but we’re gonna have to let you go. Clean out your desk. You’re done for the day.” No one is a fan of being fired and I remember feeling calm at first as I packed up my desk and said my brief goodbyes to Josh and Chris. As I was leaving though I saw TJ again and that was when I started crying and he hugged me. Apologizing. So only a month away from my hospital stay and I was home alone with only my dog and bills I couldn’t afford. This was November 2013, just a week before Thanksgiving. Ah, what to give thanks for? It actually took over four months for me to find a job as a receptionist at a moving company and over a period of six months, I was promoted to an accountant. Thus began my love for accounting, or more specifically the love of counting money. During this time I also started having a friends with benefits relationship with my current boyfriend. I have not had another major depressive episode since working at the body shop. When I told my boyfriend, Jonathan, about the mental hospital I was in he was very supportive. One of his best friends, Clayton, was in a mental hospital for three weeks, I have actually spoken with Clayton concerning this and he describes how generous Jonathan was, “Jonathan would come and visit me almost every other day just to see how I was doing. He was the only one of our friends who would do that. Jonathan is one of the kindest guys you’ll ever know.” All of that is true. On me and Jonathan’s second anniversary, he told me how he really feels about me, “When I look at you I see someone that’s felt sadness and hard times just like me. I see someone that hasn't quit. Someone that hasn’t compromised being themselves.” Knowing you live with this overwhelming amount of sadness inside of you and having to carry the burden of that knowledge alone is tiring. To have someone by my side through toughs times is very helpful. My family has all but moved to other sides of the state or out to other states so seeing them becomes more difficult. I’m not one to attempt contact with friends. I prefer to be alone so my old friends are just distant memories. My dog passed away a couple years ago so it was tough waking up alone and not having someone to get you out of bed every morning. However, having Jonathan, even his cat Pablo has made a home with us, is a blessing I would have never known I deserved or needed. I have found my way back into the body shop business. I have learned from past mistakes and I don’t drink on the job or do any drugs; which is funny to even say considering that should be a give-in with any job. I came back into this industry because I know it pays and I already know the routine it asks for. I have worked at this particular shop for over a year and I have come home crying from stress more than twice but I had Jonathan to catch me as I am falling. However, I find myself drinking just a little bit more every day just to get out of the reality of my current workload. I know though that the harder I work and more accounts I take in the more money I can make, which has paid for the college classes I am currently taking, and the car I am saving up to buy. To keep me from making my past my present I try to keep up a healthy lifestyle with exercise and eating correctly. Running helps create dopamine which creates happy feelings.[3] Although as I’m running I just wonder what it would be like to run away from everything I currently hold dear and never look back; I don’t think I could do that. ________________ [1] Facts & Statistics, Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA, 2018, adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics. Accessed 22 Sept 2018 [2] Medline Plus. The American Society of Health-System Pharmacists, Inc., 1 Oct. 2018, medlineplus.gov/druginfo/meds/a682279.html . Accessed 18 Oct. 2018. [3] Healthline. Exercise, Depression, and the Brain, 2016, www.healthline.com/health/depression/exercise. Accessed 17 Nov. 2018.

[pro-sketboarder-tony-hawk]

Weapon Asks

Longsword: Do you like when people are straightforward and honest to you? usually yes, but on really hard topics for me i want them to be gentle about it, and when it comes to me and/or my mental illness please sugar coat it so i don’t get overly upset when i don’t need to be

Spear: Do you get close to people easily? oh hell yeah, i love emotional intimacy 

Rapier: What is the most expensive thing you own? uuuuuuum not in terms of overall collections and in terms of personal belongings, i think a $150-ish shirt that i got at goodwill for about $5. one of my most valued finds literally and just bc i’m proud i got that deal

Butterfly Knife: What is a skill you’ve practiced enough that you’d call yourself an expert? i don’t think any? i have half mastered too many skills to count but i never focus on one enough to become an expert. as the full saying goes; “a jack of all trades is a master of none, but often times better than a master of one”

Dagger: Have you had an experience with betrayal? yes from many people, but i forgive almost all of them so it’s okay, we were all different people in the past 

Revolver: Six random facts about yourself. (((i tried to do less known facts abt me and not cliche ones like “i like the color yellow” and shit like that)

1- i’m so incredibly scared of the future, mine, society’s, and the world’s, and i don’t know how to cope with it so i just move on in life so horribly scared but brave

2- i have three half-brothers who i’m desperate to find out the names of, even if i never meet them. i don’t know why i want to know so bad, they’re from my dad’s side who was a horrible person, so if they’re anything like who he is in my head i don’t want to meet them. but i would still love to know if they’re real and who they are, if they’re my age, younger, older, look like me, like stuff i like, anything. i could even have a sister for all i know about my dad

3- i’m a paranoid schizophrenic and idk how many of my friends know bc i don’t usually just outright say it, but the friends that do know have to handle me when i’m having an episode and i feel bad for them even though i can’t control when or how it happens

4- i have literally fought to the point of ending friendships over respecting girls who are pregnant in high school. my grandma was pregnant in high school and she turned out fine and so did my mom, and my mom was pregnant in high school and i turned out mostly fine. in 11th grade there was a pregnant girl in my health class and every single day i would talk back to someone giving her shit. i’ve even talked back to teachers over it, i’m very passionate about the fact that they deserve as much respect as the rest of us high schoolers. if you’re gonna ridicule the girl why don’t you ridicule the teenage boy, now father, who did this too?

5- i’m so jealous of my friends who could date if they found a person to like. i theoretically can, but i know myself and when i like someone i become low-key obsessed, but when i date someone i actually do become obsessed and am very susceptible to abuse bc if i love them i would never leave unless they left me. i want to date again so bad but i don’t like anyone knew and with where i’m at in life i don’t think i wanna risk getting into a bad relationship now

6- the stereotype is true, i collect so many things to fill a void in my life. i’m really materialistic and love to be surrounded by items, whether sentimental (a lot of my stuff) or just random stuff i have, and if i had to live a minimalist life i think i would honestly become more depressed than i ever have been

Rifle: Have you ever killed something bigger than a bug? i accidentally killed my fish :-( long story short the city added more chlorine into the water and i wasn’t aware. but on purpose no i don’t purposefully kill anything other than bugs and i never want to

Bowie Knife: What’s the longest time you’ve ever been on a camping trip? three days but it wasn’t 100% wilderness in a tent camping, we had a cute tiny little cabin

Axe: What about your life would you change if given the chance? i would change my confident-ness to be way higher, but if were talking about ANYTHING related to me, i’d change my wealth status to multi-billionaire so i could buy my mom a farm, and do everything billionaires and millionaires should ACTUALLY do, like buy empty houses and donate them to shelters, and pay gofundmes in full, and help millions of people, because what’s 1 million dollars to someone who owns so much money?

Throwing Star: What is a pet peeve of yours? i have sensory issues in the form of touch, taste, smell, and hearing; so i have a bunch of little pet peeves but i don’t think i have any super huge big pet peeves

Katana: What era and place would you travel to if you had a time machine? it depends on if i can come back or not. if i can’t come back i’d go back to 2014/15 with the knowledge i have now and live my life out differently, but if i could come back i would go to the (near or far, doesn't matter) future to see what it’s like and to see if i could do anything to help either make it happen if it’s good or prevent it if it’s bad

Bo staff: What is something you do to try to seem scary? i make myself look unapproachable when i go into public as a coping mechanism, sometimes it’s a bad day and i don’t want strangers even thinking of talking to me, other times i just feel edgy and want to get a reaction out of those same strangers

Bare fists: Have you ever been in a fight? physical; with my brother but otherwise no, verbally; all the damn time i’m so argumentative and i hate it, and i’m gonna try to change it for real this time

[chelsorz07]

you know it’s not forever

I think I’m gonna stop doing these soon, since it’s been at least a year since I started the series and I have to have repeated some already. But for tonight I have nothing else to do. Also for anyone who actually cares I’m working on a fic...it’s not my first but it will be the first one I finish and publish so keep an eye out in the next couple days, Dean/Cas fans ♥

2010/2018

What's one of your locked text messages? a line from a justin bieber song that sarah sent me haha Don’t have any. This phone doesn’t delete shit apparently. Where is the one boy/girl you want to see the most right now? at this very moment i would grow a left nut just so i could give it away if it gave me the opportunity to kick it with mah weskimo. Texas. Do you think your last ex deserves to die? i don't think about him, one way or the other. I definitely do not think that. He thinks that. And I try to convince him every day that he’s wrong, just like he does for me. Who was the last person you slept in the same bed with? david. Dave but he’s been gone for two weeks. Would you be mad if your best friend dated the person you like? probably, considering the person i like is my boyfriend. If my best friend dated my husband, yeah that’d be an issue. She never would though. She doesn’t even like him as a person lol Is anyone over- protective of you? my parents used to be but i think they've decided to chill for the most part. Nobody cares that much about me. Plans for tomorrow? babysitting, and hopefully walmart to get shirts to tie-dye for the summer set. Laundry, Netflix, hopefully finishing the story I’m writing. I really suck at dialogue. Have you made a mistake in the past week? i make mistakes by the hour. Constantly. I don’t recall a specific one though. Do you know anyone named Joshua? yeppp. A couple. Nobody I’ve spoken to in years. Will you be in a relationship in 4 months? more than likely. I’d like to hope so. If my marriage falls apart in the next four months I will most definitely kill myself. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? for sure. I’d do it for free. What were you doing at 7:00 AM? sleeping. Watching TWD and playing solitaire on my phone. Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months? it's been almost a year. Oh my god. Do you think two people can last forever? perhaps. I have yet to see it happen. Would you put yesterday on repeat and live it forever? nah. No, yesterday sucked. Work was dead and with nothing to do my feet hurt like hell, even with medical grade compression socks on. Did you ever kiss someone with a tattoo? yeah. Yup. I would never go near that person again. I was 19 and stupid and he was a filthy liar. What did you do today? watched maranda, cleaned up the house a little. that's pretty much it. Slept mostly. Picked up the living room. Watched tv. Looked at real estate listings. Talked to my dad. It was a decent day. Last time you laughed super hard? no idea. i laugh all the time. Can’t remember. I tend not to laugh really hard when I’m alone. Which I usually am. Do you find smoking unattractive? nope. but it sucks being around all my friends who smoke when i quit two and a half months ago. It probably is but I’m a chain smoker so I don’t really care. How many people do you fully trust? haha...well...used to be one. now i'm not sure i can completely trust anyone. Still one. Although the person is different. Nobody will ever have my back as much as my dad does. Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? i doubt it. Um...randos at the Pittsburgh airport. Did anyone call you pretty recently? ehh...don't think so. The last person to call me pretty was me. But Mike agreed so I guess him lol Do you look decent when you wake up? depends how my previous night went. That’s a valid answer. I look shitty without makeup no matter what. If my makeup from the previous day isn’t all fucked up after I sleep then I still look good. Are you afraid of falling in love? no. If I was it’d be way too late. Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? i'd probably feel exactly the same way i felt when i woke up from a really bad dream about him yesterday morning. There would be violence involved. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? um...i don't believe so. I don’t drink anymore. There are a couple bottles of whiskey in my freezer that haven’t been touched in years, that’s about it. when was the last time you were at the beach? never. Still never. Think back to September, were you in a relationship? yep. I’ve been in a relationship for the past eight Septembers. Almost nine. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? i wouldn't. Last half of 2010, first half of 2011. Do you know anyone with such a terribly annoying voice that you can't even stand? most people. Fucking BARB. A lady I work with. She’s so irritating. I’ve even had customers complain to me about her voice, saying they want me to check them out instead. Who was the last person to give you a hug? maranda. Dave. What was the first thing you thought this morning? aksdfmkaoiewhfjdnf;h. “Wtf time is it?” It was actually almost 3pm. But I don’t go to bed till the morning so. What is something that you disliked about your day? uh. everything. The fact that I was pain free most of the day and now I’m not. Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a B? How many? nope. Not that I recall.

What about T? How many? no. Nope. What do you currently hear right now? commercials. Carl Grimes. And my cat snoring. Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person? many times. Yep. Awkwardsauce. Who was your last text from? chele. My dad. Did you have any unread text messages when you woke up today? no. Nope, just a voicemail from my pharmacy. Would you rather be able to control the weather or control traffic? weather. Ooh...those are my two biggest fears sooo...Idk if I could pick. Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? computer. Computer for sure. Even with Swype. If you won a trip to a nude beach would you go or give the trip away? i wouldn't go that's for sure...but i'd figure out a way to make money off of it. I stand by that. In your opinion which is the stronger emotion: love or hate? love. of course sometimes when i say i hate someone, it's just because i don't know how to tell them i love them. and furthermore, feeling like i hate someone can make me love them even more. Love. I don’t have the energy for hatred anymore. But I’ll never stop loving what I love. Would you rather sleep for 3 days, or stay awake for 3 days? sleeeeeeeep. Honestly...I don’t know now. I do love my sleep. And I’m lucky to do it for three hours at a time, let alone three days. But I’m also the world’s biggest night owl and am most productive when I should be sleeping. What time did you go to sleep last night? 5am this morning. Like 9am? I don’t remember. When was the last time you had starbucks? never have, never will. I broke my vow and had it exactly one time, a couple years ago. But I refuse to pay five dollars for coffee ever again. Timmy Ho’s and Sheetz are better and half the price. If you were granted one wish, what would you wish for? i don't believe in wishes. Money. What's the tenth text in your inbox say? "is nellie home?" from my mom. “I’m just happy you actually did something about it. Suppose I should return the favor and look into this now.” From Dave, about our respective health issues. Did you stand on your tippy-toes when you had your last kiss? for some reason i always do, even though he's only an inch taller than i am. I must have broken that habit somewhere along the way, because no, I didn’t. Do you like the same person you did a month ago? i've liked the same person for two years. That will never change. Would it be weird if the last person you kissed called you? yeah, cuz he's at work. and he almost never actually calls. He doesn’t call unless something is wrong.  Kissed somebody whose name starts with a C T D or J? d. First name D, last name C, middle name J. All different people. Do you ever think about the past? i think about past, present, and future. Always. Do you believe exes can be friends? sometimes. They most certainly can. Do you currently have a hickey, if so where? i've never had one. Only guy who ever gave me a hickey was a complete tool and I only liked him for his southern accent. He came along a few months after the last time I took this survey, when I was on the rebound. Last night you felt? meh. Bored and in pain. What's your favorite thing to do when you're bored? play solitaire. Read fanfic or watch Youtube. In the past 72 hours have you been under the influence? yup. I haven’t. It’s been months since I even drank a beer. Does anyone know your password besides you? no. Dave knows a couple of them. What're you wearing right now? pajamas and a hoodie. Lilo & Stitch pajama pants, Supernatural Day 2017 shirt. The Hot Topical makes a lot of money from me. What were you doing when you found out Michael Jackson was dead? don't know, don't care. i never liked michael jackson. That. Do you want to see somebody right now? yes. Several people. When's the last time you cried? daily. Um...a couple days ago at work because I was in pain. And probably the same day because I was watching Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life and it always makes me cry. Would you rather sing or dance in front of 100,000 people? i'd do both. I don’t want to do anything in front of that many people. But I could sing better than I could dance. Would it be more likely of you to fail Science or Math? both. I sucked at both. I was strictly an English and Art kinda gal. Will you regret your next kiss? no. they're so few and far between i can't regret them. not that i would anyway. No way in hell. I relish the ones I can get. Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? yeah but he doesn't ever seem to care. All the time. Everything makes me cry. Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? hopefully i'll get to see him tonight or tomorrow night when he gets done working, since i won't see him on his day off this week. Sometime between the hours of 4 and 7am next Thursday.  Your boyfriend buys you flowers, you say? he's not that stupid. he knows i hate flowers. Still true, except he’s my husband now. Do you understand football? understand it and love it. The fooseball is life. I’m so freaking excited for the draft tomorrow. Is the last person you kissed mad at you? he'd have to care to be mad. Our last conversation was about travel and home buying so probably not. The person you have the strongest feelings for dies, do you care? shut up. i'm terrified of that more than anything, because he seems to like to do dumb shit that could get him killed. and i've been having tons of dreams about it lately. What the hell kind of question is that? I’m not a sociopath. Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them in a car? yes. Our first kiss was in a car. Well not the first kiss but that’s what we spent the entire rest of that night doing lol...There have been many car kisses since then as well. Have you kissed more than ten people this year? one person. Just one. Would you ever date someone who was gorgeous but they had a conceited attitude? no. looks don't matter as much as personality. I didn’t know he was conceited at the time but no, I never would again. Like I said, dude was a tool. If someone called you a bitch would you be offended? more like proud. I AM a bitch. I own it. Do you know a few people that smoke weed? a few? i know less people who DON'T smoke weed. Everybody smokes weed anymore. Except like my parents. Was this the best summer of your life? it hasn't happened yet. but last summer was the best so far. For the record, the summer of 2010 was the worst of my life. And last summer was really good for the sole reason of my birthday week, where I met All Time Low and got to spend it back home with my family and friends. Do you think relationships are even worth it? some are. Hope so. Medicine, fine arts, or law? arts. Same. Have you been through driver's ed yet? safety ed...like six years ago. i still don't have my license though. We didn’t have “driver’s ed”. Safety ed was like six weeks of basics but there was never any practice driving or anything like that. I didn’t get my license till I was almost 23. What do you think about people who party a lot? i think i want to be invited? If they’re my age, they need to grow the hell up. If they’re my sister’s age, I’m sure most of them will get sick of it eventually like I did. When was the last time you dyed your hair? almost a year ago...i've been really lazy with it lately. A little over a month ago? It’s orange with black ombre. I like the concept but next time I’m getting it done professionally. Is there a movie you've seen countless times? more than one. Several. I tend to watch most things I like over and over again instead of watching new things. What do you need to go shopping for? i need to stop shopping. Haha...that’s a good answer. But I do need some more compression socks. Have you ever read Twilight? no. Yes, and dammit, I liked it. I still curse myself for that. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? yeah. Nah, I’ll talk about anything. I’m pretty self-centered. If Britney Spears came to your town, would you go see her concert? hell yes i love her. I’d be there with bells on. Meet anybody new this week? nope. but i'm going to on wednesday. Idk if customers at work count. I don’t leave my house unless it’s for that. Do you dislike anyone at this moment in time? everyone. Yeah, the cunt that thought it’d be cool to cheat on her boyfriend with my best friend and then screw him over as well. Any up coming events you're excited about? the concert on wednesday, and my birthday. Going home next week and house shopping. Does anyone hate you? sure. I guess so. Don’t matter to me.

[songsofhartbig-blog]

all from the aesthetic ask list (:

BLESS YOUR SOUL I LOVE THESE QUESTIONS

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?  - about an hour ago, accompanying myself on guitar! Toying with the idea of a cover album ;)

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? - This one is gonna be really sad but I would wanna know what song was playing when my best friend got into a car accident 

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? - That’s a really tough one, honestly. Probably just making it to this point.

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? - The first one that came to mind when I read this is one of my favorite ones with my best friend. We were at a house party back in May, quite drunk, having a good time. We were socializing with different people for a few minutes, and suddenly I hear her yelling for me, and when we find each other, all she does is hold up a box of the card game Uno and goes, “FUCKING PLAY UNO WITH ME!!” (Uno was like one of our things because we’re dumb). So, of course, I was like “HELL FUCKIN YEAH!!” Drunk Uno at a house party, and we got a pretty big game going, but people started losing interest so it ended up just being me and her playing for a few more minutes. So “the only ones at the house party playing Uno” became a joke and one of my favorite stories/memories :)

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? - I feel like I would, but I honestly couldn’t answer what I would change. This is one of those situations where it’d be difficult to choose until you’re truly in the situation.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? - Of course! I haven’t gotten as far as to really rank anything, but the top ones would probably be to travel to so many different states/countries, skydive (basic but true), and zipline!

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail. - The first person that came to mind when I read this one is a certain someone. I won’t specifically say their relationship to me, but let’s just say we’re…close. Their soul radiates sunshine; constantly brightening people’s days, whether they intend to or not. It just comes natural. By far one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, this person does not have a mean bone in their body. They’re funny in such a unique way, and it works for them, and always has me cracking up. So supportive in everything - for example I was really drunk one night and I was texting this person and told them I was gonna sit down and write a movie, and their response? “Write that movie, I’ll help if you need me to!” Not only things like that, but has been helping me with big life decisions too. Their smile can light up the darkest night, their eyes are big and beautiful and anyone could stare into them for hours. Their hugs could melt a frozen heart. I’m so lucky to know them.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? - Definitely. I have a very loving family that have provided and still provide the best they can for me, while instilling good values and morals in me

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? - I don’t think it was very long ago, maybe like 3 weeks ago?

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. - The person I described in the pantone question. The description of them should be a good explanation as to why :)

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? - I’ve never done it before but who’s to say it won’t happen at some point

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? - Funny enough, it was with the person I described in the pantone question, it was on New Years Eve (I’m always up at 3 AM but no one else usually is to talk to), and I was in bed, VERY plastered, going through twitter, and the person texts me out of nowhere (different quotes are the multiple texts): “luuuvvv uuuu” “so much” “i hope you had a good night” “you honestly made mine” “happy new year❤️” and then for like half an hour we drunkenly continued talking about how much we love each other and how lucky we are to be in each other’s lives. It was quite cute.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? - That’s so much pressure. I honestly can’t even answer that.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? - BEAUTIFUL. RESPECT AND APPRECIATE BROWN EYES. FROM THE GOLDEN BROWNS TO THE DARK BROWNS.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. - “It’s not the end, I’ll see your face again” - a line from one of my favorite songs of all time, and a nice reminder that my best friend’s passing wasn’t the full end, and I’ll see her again someday.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? - U ok?

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? - I know I would start with buying a lot of records and clothes and travel a lot because I have low impulse control

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? - I definitely am. I think of it as like a blessing and a curse, sometimes. It’s good to be forgiving and let bygones be bygones but I’ve definitely been guilty of forgiving people who didn’t deserve my forgiveness.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. - It’s 2 AM so we’re gonna shorten this to like a few words: you’re gonna regret that.

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? - punk definitely, even though I’m hardly even punk lol

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. - I love tattoos! I have two and definitely want more, and I really like them because they tell a story in at least a small way. Significant tattoos tell a story, and even ones that don’t necessarily have meanings have a story - the person likes that design enough to put it on their skin. Piercings I have no problem with. I don’t personally have any but who am I to judge people who have them? They’re expressing themselves.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? - Not at all, only foundation to cover up my blemishes and such. I don’t wear a lot of makeup bc I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m constantly running late already, so adding a makeup routine to that would just be…bad

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. - I’m gonna be 100% honest: One Direction really effected my life in some great ways. Not only do I love their music, and they’re some good lookin boys, but the common likeness to them is the reason I have some of the friends that I do, and the reason I’m very close to some of my best friends.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. - BE NICE TO PEOPLE, IT’S NOT THAT HARD. 

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. - I’ve been to Justin Bieber (I was 11), Warped Tour twice, We The Kings, All Time Low twice, One Direction twice, 5 Seconds of Summer twice, Ed Sheeran, Panic At The Disco, and Bo Burnham (Im counting that as a concert cause he does music). They all made me feel a lot of different things, but to keep it short and sweet since it’s late and Im answering every question; I remember feeling pure joy and euphoria during all of them.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? - Well, of course I would want a letter from my passed on best friend, saying everything she’d want to get off her chest. But if it has to be someone living, I don’t even know. There’s a lot of people in the world that I wanna hear a lot of things from.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? - I have a desk, and it’s pretty organized, only because the only things on it are a lamp, my laptop, wallet, car keys, alarm clock, bracelets, and glasses

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? - get in pajamas, wash my face, brush my teeth, slump out. Nothing very amazing lmao

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? - my questionable actions lol

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? - funny that this is a question because I’ve been debating doing something new. Probably just a tad bit lighter and shorter. Nothing crazy for now

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? - Again, so many people to choose from. Too many, and I’m tired (sorry I have a tendency to get boring)

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them. - 1) my best friend back. Probably could’ve guessed that one. 2) happiness and success for everyone 3) the return of the original That’s So Raven

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. - honestly probably this past year. I was broke so I couldn’t buy a costume, but I was going to a Halloween party so I needed to throw one together. Borrowed one of my grandpa’s hawaiian shirts, threw on a baseball hat, wore socks and sandals, put a camera around my neck, and BAM. Tourist.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? - Somehow, at least that I can remember, I’m pretty good at not doing *very* terrible things when I’m drunk/high/both. Probably the worst was when cops were at a house party and we were all running, I saw half a bottle of Bacardi on the table I was running past so drunk me took it LMAO

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? - kill someone

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? - Probably only see one person, because there’s too much good music to be limited to one song. The person? I’ll get back to you on that one.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love. - yes, but it was with someone that didn’t love me back. And as much as that hurt, it was kind of nice knowing I can feel emotions - like when I got butterflies when I saw them, or when I smiled so big because their name popped up on my phone.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? - The only reason I wouldn’t rock really really short hair is because I already hate how I look with my hair in a ponytail, so I can’t imagine how much I’d hate super short hair on myself. But other than that, hell yeah

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? - we actually don’t have a Starbucks where I am (closest one is like 30-45 minutes away in a different city), so I’m gonna give you my Dunkin Donuts order: caramel latte, hot when it’s cold out, iced when it’s warmer out. Would definitely trust my neighbor to order it for me because we go to Dunkin together all the time :)

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? - The people in it

Thank you, kind anon, for letting me ramble about myself for entirely too long! Very much appreciated, love you!! :)))