#i didnt proof read...i hope everything makes sense

[taintedcigs]

we’d still worship this love — e.m.

part two of even if it’s a false god.

pairing: modern!college!fboy eddie x fem!reader

warnings: smut!!!!!!, 18+, MINORS DNI. p in v, cr*ampie, unprotected s*x, angstangstangst, eddie regrets everything!!, jealous eddie, a bit of protective steve, drinking, swearing, praises, nicknames, fluff!!

summary: in which eddie regrets what he said to you. (wc:6.3k+)

a/n: literally the lyrics match up soooo well w the story imo im sorry for the last line ok i rlly tried to hold myself back not to directly write any lyrics lmao. this is CHEESY. i hate THE ENDING. as usual! but im so glad u guys liked pt. one and i didn't want to deprave any of u !!! i did not proof-read so pls ignore any mistakes!! hope u guys enjoy this lmk what u think mwah!!

Eddie sighed as he checked the kitchen, you were still nowhere to be found.

He had fucked up.

So badly.

He grabbed the half-empty red cup sitting on the kitchen stand. A whiff of alcohol hit his senses as soon as he tried to sniff it; it reeked, but Eddie didn’t care at this point, downing it like it was water.

He grabbed the pack of cigarettes sitting in his back pocket, walking miserably toward the backyard as he lit the cigarette sitting between his lips.

“Let’s get you to Steve’s, yeah?” The voice that passed by him was quick to grab his attention.

Robin.

“Robin?” He exclaimed excitedly, causing Robin to mouth “Don’t”.

He took a step to get closer to you but stopped quickly in his tracks; he had caused enough fucking damage.

He made his bed, and now he needed to lie in it.

He watched as you and Robin left, leaving him all alone. 

2 HOURS LATER

DON’T ANSWER: im so fuckhjing sorry

DON’T ANSWER: i didnt fuckingmeanit lije that i swear

DON’T ANSWER: pls talk to me

DON’T ANSWER: r u at steve? i can come

DON’T ANSWER: pleaseeeeee we can’t leave things like this. 

You heaved a sigh reading his texts, he was drunk again, and you weren’t going to entertain him.

You blocked this contact. 

“He’s texting me.” You groaned, chucking your phone away as you plopped yourself onto Steve’s bed.

“What did he say?” Steve asked curiously.

“He wants to see me and talk, he’s drunk again.” You replied curtly, head still filled with the words he uttered to you.

“I just… I can’t believe he’d say that.” Robin chimed in, shaking her head.

“I could. He’s an asshole.” You rolled your eyes.

“Yeah… but I always thought he had a soft spot for you.” Robin muttered.

You chuckled dryly. “He has a soft spot for my body.” You crinkled with disgust.

Robin shook her head as she spoke. “No, I mean it, Y/N… I really don’t believe he meant it like—” 

Steve was quick to interrupt. “Jesus, Robin, stop making excuses for him. I know he’s your friend and all, but he fucked up. And there’s nothing he can do now to ever take back the things he did to her!” He exclaimed, the two of them started bickering back and forth. 

You wanted to sink into the bed; you so badly wanted to believe Robin, believe that Eddie’s words were all just a lie, just something he made up on the spot just because he was afraid. 

But Steve was right—even if it was a lie, even if it was all a huge misunderstanding, nothing he could do would undo the amount of pain he caused you. The nights you spent sobbing—nothing could change that. 

But a part of you also knew that, if Eddie ever caught you in a moment of weakness again, you’d do it all over again; you’d let him ruin you all over again, just to have him complete you for the mere seconds he made you feel loved. 

The bickering and the storm in your mind stopped with a sudden knock on Steve’s door. 

The three of you looked at each other in unison.

Shit.

Did that stupid bastard really have the audacity to come here? 

You looked over at Steve with pity, about to open your mouth and beg, plead with him to do something, and he was quick to understand your train of thought. “I got this.” He muttered, hand squeezing your knee for comfort before he attended the door. 

As soon as the door swung open, there he was, blood-shot eyes and messy hair framing his face. He was shitfaced and could barely stand against the door frame. “Munson.” Steve affirmed sternly. 

“W—where is she?” Eddie slurred, barely even letting Steve speak. 

“She’s not here.” Steve said without letting Eddie take a look. 

“Look, man… I know she is, please—” He tried to push past him, but Steve stood his ground, blocking his way before his face turned cold. 

“She doesn’t want to see you.” Steve almost hissed, the intensity of his gaze taking Eddie back. 

“Don’t make this any harder and just leave, yeah?” Steve muttered, almost shutting the door before Eddie’s heavy boots interfered. 

“Please.” Eddie pleaded, making Steve huff as he threw a quick glance your way, and you quickly shook your head, mouthing ‘no’s.

But that was it; Eddie barged in as he used Steve’s distraction to his advantage, you gasped when the door swung open, revealing Eddie. 

He couldn't tear his eyes away from you, his gaze held guilt and relief. Guilty because of the fact that he uttered those words to you. But, relieved that he saw you, relieved that he could finally explain himself to you.

Yet you looked at him with such disgust that it ached his heart, putting on a heavy ache on his chest. Every breath he took now felt like a struggle. 

“Don’t!” You seethed when he took a step toward you, Steve was quick to jump to your defence, but you waved him off. 

“Leave.” You could feel your face grow hotter with rage each time you spoke, you didn’t want him here, you wanted him to disappear from the face of the earth. 

“I’m so fucking sorry.” That was all that left his lips, his eyes were glinting with sadness, and his bottom lip trembled with guilt. 

“You have the nerve… You have the fucking nerve.” You chuckled dryly, tongue rolling inside your cheek in anger. 

“Please... Let me just explain,” He slurred. 

His drunkenness made you more angry.

“I don’t want you to!” You hissed.  

“I told you, I’m fucking done, Munson.” You spoke calmly, tears were threatening to spill, but you held your ground. 

“One fucking minute, I swear—” You heaved a sigh, and another angry chuckle escaped from your throat as you looked at Steve, as if to tell him to kick him out, signaling for help. 

“Alright,” Steve muttered. “She doesn’t wanna talk, Munson.” He spoke calmly as he held Eddie’s arm, trying to drag him out. Eddie’s protests fell deaf on your ear as you plopped yourself on the bed again, crying into Steve’s sheets as Robin played with your hair to reassure you. 

1 MONTH LATER:

Thirty fucking days.

Eddie was going to lose his mind. 

Blocked from everywhere, and you avoided him like the plague.

He knew he deserved to be shut out; he knew he didn’t deserve you. But even crumbs of information from you would have eased him.

Steve and Robin had been useless, except for today. Except for that cryptic message Robin sent him about you being at the party today. And he praised his lucky stars for that.

Until he made it to the party.

Until he finally saw you.

With Mr. Jock pinning you against the wall as you giggled at his unfunny jokes.

Jesus fucking Christ. 

Don’t make a scene, Eddie. Don’t fucking make a scene—

His lips pressed together, jaw quick to clench as he couldn’t help the way he almost sprinted toward you. He didn’t know if it was out of pure jealousy, or the fact that he had missed you so goddamn much that he couldn’t stray away from you anymore. 

“Hi, honey.” Eddie said sarcastically and chirpily, jealousy dripped from his tone, and he couldn’t help the intense gaze he had on the asshole. 

You froze in your place as soon as you recognized the voice. What the fuck was he doing? 

Standing between the two of you, “Who’s this?” Eddie spat, his hand aggressively pointing toward him. 

You rolled your eyes before you turned to him. “Don’t,” You warned, your brows shooting up and a fiery flash apparent in your eyes. 

“Who are you?” He narrowed his eyes at Eddie, and as if Eddie had been waiting for him to provoke him further, he gave a smug smirk. Body turning to face the asshole.

You panicked, and the ever-so apparent tension in the air grew thicker “No one.” You replied quickly, avoiding Eddie’s lingering gaze. 

“Really? You’re gonna play that card, princess?” He gave you a dry chuckle, jealousy gnawed at his insides. 

You squeezed your eyes shut to save yourself from embarrassment, but he wasn’t going to stop until this jerk wasn’t at your side. 

“That’s not what you were saying the last time I saw you—” You were quick to cut him off with a warning gaze, your eyes widening. 

“Eddie… This—this is Ethan.” You said through gritted teeth. 

Eddie mocked a realization face, and you wanted to punch that smirk off of his stupid smug face. “Oh…” He laughed all-knowingly.

“That Ethan? The jock?” You narrowed your eyes, annoyance setting over your face, and you couldn’t handle the heat growing in your cheeks. 

This asshole. 

“I’m sorry, man.” He chuckled, giving Ethan a harsh slap on the shoulder, a slap that wasn’t friendly in the slightest bit—and you were sure now that the tension in the space the three of you shared could be cut through with a knife.

You cleared your throat to speak up, but Ethan did it before you. “What the fuck are you talkin’ about?”

This was the provocation Eddie needed, and you knew it; you saw that mischievous glint glimmer in his eyes. “Oh, just that she was telling me all about how fucking horrible you—”

You interrupted Eddie with a nervous giggle. “Sooo sorry! He’s just a bit drunk!” You gave Ethan a panicked smile. 

“I’ll see you around!” You called out, walking off while dragging Eddie as far away from him as possible with a harsh grip on his arm. 

You probably didn’t know what you were getting yourself into when you dragged him toward the closest empty room. 

“What the fuck?!?” You yelled into his face. 

He ignored your distress. “What are you doing with him?”

“None of your business.” You hissed.

“It is my business if you get with Mr Jock again.”

“I’m not getting with—” You lowered your voice mid-sentence, annoyance taking over. 

“What part of ‘I don’t want to fucking see you ever again’ don’t you understand?” You let out through gritted teeth, your face heating from anger. 

“Did you know…” He said, completely ignoring you, and you looked at him with the same angry expression, getting tired of his antics.

“When you get angry like that, a line crinkles on your forehead, and those sweet lips pout into a frown? You look so fuckin’ cute like that.” He murmured, leaning against the wall you trapped him into.

You let out an exasperated sigh, eyes rolling into the back of your head. “What the fuck is your problem?” You asked, brows furrowing. 

“What the hell do you want from me?” 

“You? I mean, eventually, I want to wake up with you every morning and fall asleep with you every night.” He smirked.

Fucking jerk.

You chuckled with an audible scoff. "Is this some kind of a joke?" You muttered under your breath, voice laced with irritation.

“You are so fucking irritating.” You spat, eyes narrowing. 

“Just… just—Leave me alone.” Your voice lowered, your face was coming closer to his, and all Eddie could think about was how nice it was to have you this close to him again, to feel your warmth again.

You could see it, the emotions his gaze held, but you didn’t want to fall for his antics again, so you turned quickly to leave.

“Please.” His pleading and his hold on your arm were what made you stop in your tracks. The way his voice cracked, you could hear the desperation. If only you didn’t care about him this fucking much…

“Please—just, hear me out.” He was almost begging, and you knew you should be running, you knew you shouldn’t care, not even to spit the venom inside of you that had been building since that night.

But you can’t help it. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” You asked, words coming out in a sharp and biting tone as your anger escalated. 

“After what you said to me...” You looked at him with a piercing stare, your eyes practically emitting flashes of irritation.

“Do you have any fucking idea how much I can’t even stomach being around you?” Your nostrils flared with every breath you took. 

“In fact, I hate you.” You spat.

“You hate me?” He asked, inching closer toward you. 

“Yes!” You snapped. 

“Then show me.” He challenged. 

“W—what?” You stuttered, your confidence dissipating in a second as the room felt so fucking small when he was standing this close to you. 

Your guard was so thinly veiled that one fucking word from him was enough to shatter it.

And you knew, with one or two more pushes from him, you’d give in. You’d give in, regardless; you had missed him more than you would ever let him know. 

And you shouldn’t. You fucking shouldn’t.

“Take it out on me.” He whispered, gaze intentionally fixated on your lips. 

“You hate me, fine! One last time. Get me out of your system.” He’s so close to your face that when he leans in to whisper in your ear, you can feel his hot breath on your neck. 

He’s intoxicating—his endearing words, the jealousy, and the possessiveness—and you shouldn’t fucking fall for it. 

But it feels different this time; something is so fucking different about him that it’s throwing you off. The way his pretty lips frame the words is convincing. 

Making you believe that this would be the last time, making you believe that you could come clean off him if you had him just one more fucking time. 

You don’t say anything when you give in, your gaze lingering on his lips.

His eyes are quick to trace your face, admiring all of your features in awe, regret filling every vein in his body, knowing that this would be the last time. 

“You’re fucking beautiful,” he says roughly. He doesn’t let you respond, lets the petty comments die down your throat when he kisses you. 

Oh, Jesus, Fucking Christ. 

Your heart was pounding against your ribcage. There was something so bittersweet about the way he kissed you, knowing it was going to be the last. He twirled his tongue with yours, so needy and so fucking promising. 

Eddie knew you better than the back of his hand, so when you started whimpering against his lips, your knees giving out, he knew you didn’t want to waste any time. 

He guided you toward the bed, gentle as he had never been before. The two of you were slow to undress each other, savoring every fucking moment. 

He let you lead everything, going only at your pace and making sure everything was up to your desires, purely catering to you. 

You could sense it, see the difference in how intimate this was, compared to others where it was just senselessly fucking, this was passionate, and it was killing the two of you. 

Rather than just pushing into it, he kept his gaze on you, admiring the way your chest rose up and down as his calloused hands slid further down your body, nipples hardening when his hands stopped to ghost over your thighs. 

His other hand rested on your breasts, and he didn’t hesitate to latch his tongue on it, sucking while his other fingers toyed with your entrance. 

You mewled; you weren’t going to hold back. “Moremoremore.” 

But he didn’t move an inch.

That greedy bastard. 

“More,” You pleaded louder this time, growing impatient. 

Eddie looked at you with such hunger in his eyes that it had your core throbbing. “I’m gonna give you every fucking thing you need, honey.” He promised. 

“But I need… this. I need this memory of you engraved into my brain, forever.” He groaned, giving all of his attention to every part of your body. 

You were quick to nod, quick to oblige him, especially when he made you feel this fucking good. 

But you couldn’t help it, you needed him. Especially when he was everywhere, hands gliding all over your body, making you whimper with just his touch. 

And the way you looked at him was so fucking tempting that he was almost going to explode, you were pleading with your gaze, telling him to take you… fully. To make you his, one last fucking time. 

He could recognize the weight your gaze held, almost as if he understood your train of thought, he pressed his thumb further into your clit, circling around it as your core clenched on nothing. 

“Please,” You begged. 

“Such an impatient, baby,” He muttered into your skin, pushing past your folds as he earned a low groan from you.

“Missed those sweet noises,” He hummed, doing everything in his power to not pound into you right away, the way your cunt was gushing for him, the way you pleaded, Eddie was sure he’d burst if he had to wait more. 

With a tender touch, he tucked your hair back. “You have no clue how fuckin’ insane you make me.” He pressed a sloppy kiss, his hands were still working their way through your folds. 

“Each time I’m around you… it’s like I lose all my fuckin’ senses.” He slurred into your ear, his cock was straining his boxers, and you looked so fucking perfect beneath him, looking all fucked when he had barely touched. 

But you ignored it. Ignored every one of his words, you didn’t need his sappy shit; you didn’t need another reason to stay. 

You just needed to feel good. 

“Please, fuck, baby, please,” You whimpered softly, your nails digging harshly into his back, making his cock twitch more and more. 

Baby. 

He doesn’t even remember the last time you called him that, and it shouldn’t bring a stupid, childish grin to his face, but it does. 

He’s ready to put everything behind him, start over, and do whatever you say. 

But he’s sure you will never let him. 

“I need you, Eds.” You murmured, eyes gazing into his; a mixture of tenderness and longing overtaking your features, speaking to him without uttering a single word.

That was all it took for him to free his hard cock from his boxers, his pink-tip burning with desire as it faced you, beads of pre-cum dripping from it as you smeared it all over, giving it a few pumps before you placed it into your entrance. 

The low groans that escaped Eddie’s lips were so fucking loud, filling the room, and you loved it. You loved the strained sounds he made with one touch from you. 

He didn’t hesitate to push himself deep inside of you without a warning, the space now being filled with both of your contented groans. 

“Holy fuck,” He breathed, head tilted back as he grinned at the sight in front of him.

You with your mouth hung open, murmuring his name as you took his cock like the good fucking girl that you were.  

“Takin’ me so well, angel,” He praised, “Baby, so fuckin’ tight, mhmm.” He placed sloppy kisses between your jaw and the line of your neck, grunting as he pounded his cock in and out of you with a speed that had your eyes rolling to the back of your head.

You were lost in him now, lost in the pure passion and affection Eddie provided you. You never felt this fucking good; you never felt this fucking close to him, breathing heavily as you struggled to keep your eyes open. 

Everything was so fucking intense that you could barely breathe.  

“Look at how well your sweet cunt is takin’ me in.” Eddie moaned, watching the way his cock disappeared into you, nuzzling him with your warmth. 

“Fuckfuckfuck. S’fuckin’ warm, honey.” He muttered the deeper he pushed into you, and your walls were quick to clench around his throbbing cock.

You arched your back into him as you rocked your hips toward him.  

You wanted him deeper and deeper, faster and faster, his every moment was euphoric, and you needed him, more and more. 

He was making you greedy. 

God, you wanted to hate him so fucking bad. 

He groaned at your impatience, relished in the way you grunted your hips more into his cock, he chuckled smugly. “Greedy baby,” He muttered. 

You ignored his taunting while you begged for more. 

“Shut up,” You murmured, teasing him back.

And it was a huge mistake.

He cursed as he pulled out of you, and you whined at the emptiness, “Shit, shit, ‘m sorry” You whispered, but he ignored you, continuing his teasing while all you could do was thrash beneath him. 

“Pleasepleaseplease,” You begged, causing him to smirk down at you. 

And even though your pleas were heavenly, Eddie was in no mood to stray away from you, he needed to be inside of you. 

He needed to feel your walls hugging his cock, he needed to be as close to you as he possibly could. 

“I would never say no to you, doll.” He mocked, rocking his hips into you with such force that the whimper that slipped past your lips was sinful. 

“All fuckin’ mine, yea?” He whimpered needily, and you nodded without hesitation, even though you both knew that wasn’t true. 

You shuddered underneath him; he was filling you to the brim, and you cherished every fucking second of it. 

“Eddie…” You barely let out a breath; the pleasure and sensation of each of his movements overwhelmed you. 

He cooed, “S’stuffed with my cock that you can barely speak, doll?” He asked mockingly. 

You nodded without hesitation, eyes squeezed shut. “I—Fuck…” Your head was dizzy, incoherent babbles were the only thing that escaped your lips, and Eddie knew, he knew you were close by the way your legs trembled. 

“Fuck… honey—I know.” He purred cockily, his hips pushing further into you with a glorious thrust. “I feel the same, baby.” He groaned when you clenched around him again.  

“My perfect girl.” He muttered as he continued his pace, his cock rocking into you further and faster—as if it were possible—earning low pleads from you in return.

“I never—I never thought being with someone could ever feel this way,” He whispered into your ear. 

Don’t let him get to you; don’t fucking let his words get to you.

But fuck—does everything with him feel so fucking good. 

“But, shit, you’re so different…” He muttered, his pace continuing as he grunted between his sentences. 

“You’re so fucking different.” You avoided his gaze, the emotion it held was too fucking much for you to handle.  

You tried to ignore it, tried to ignore the way you felt the hot tears streaming down your cheeks. Your emotions were a mess. 

It felt good, and he felt good; his words, his fucking cock inside of you, everything felt so fucking good. It was the temporary fix you needed. 

“Don’t do this to me, Munson.” You barely let out, he could feel your thighs trembling. 

“I…I never felt this way before… Jesus—Fuck.” The rocking motion of his hips became rougher each time he spoke; you were clenching around him, getting tighter and tighter, driving the both of you into insane heights of pleasure.

“I think I lo—” You snapped from your hazy state of pleasure; each of his words was like a stab at your fresh wound, the one he fucking created. 

“Don’t,” You warned him sternly, interrupting before he could get another vowel out.

"Don’t fucking finish that sentence. Don’t do that with me.”

“I know you. It's not working on me." You whispered.

“But—” He pleaded, and you interrupted again.

“Don’t say things you don’t mean, don’t ruin this.” The words were harsh as they left your lips.

“Don’t say things to make me doubt this, to make it harder for me to leave.” There was such a vulnerability in your voice that he couldn't help but want to protest. 

He wanted to tell you that it was all fucking true. That he was so fucking in love with you that he was sure he lost his mind. 

Yet, you don’t let him speak, you don’t let his words fool you, not again. 

You kiss him in a dizzyingly rough motion just to shut him up. 

His skin slaps against yours, rough, as if he’s trying to take his frustrations out, and you let him, you let him pound into you senselessly. You let his cock drive into you further, not stopping until he’s sure he’s stuffed you to the brim. 

“Eddie, fuck!” You mumble into his lips; your brows are drawn together, and he knows—he knows you are close. 

“Are you gonna cum, baby?” He cooed, and you nodded quickly. “Cum for me, honey.” He encouraged, not stopping his pace as he roughly thrusted his cock inside of your throbbing cunt one last time. 

A gush of wetness pulsed out of you when you released around him, the strength of your orgasm was enough to choke you out, and white-hot flashes blurred your vision as he watched you in awe. 

He wasn’t far behind, as the strained moans that escaped your throat drove him closer to the edge. 

“Shitshit—s’fuckin’ perfect.” He grunted. The way your cunt convulsed around him was too much for him to handle. He slammed inside of you one last time.

“Fuckfuckfuckfuck—” He growled against your hair as he came, his cock shrivelled inside your cunt, pulsing as he coated your walls with his warm cum, fucking his release inside of you.

The two of you stayed like that for a hot minute, bodies tangled to each other, both minds fuzzy as both of you tried to catch your breath. 

You could feel tears brimming your eyes again when the realization hit you. 

This was the last time. 

And you needed to leave. 

As soon as possible.

And that’s exactly what he’s afraid of, afraid of you leaving, forever. 

You are quick to shake your thoughts off, quickly getting up to get dressed. 

“Don’t,” He mutters, it’s barely audible. 

You turn to him with a quizzed look. “Please… Just, please don’t leave.” He begs, it’s the last sight you expect, and the last thing you expect to hear. 

And it should feel so fucking satisfying, to know he’s wrapped around your finger, to know he is practically pleading for you. But it doesn’t, it feels so fucking sentimental, and you hate it. 

“You knew.” You muttered, putting on the clothes you so carelessly discarded. 

“You wanted this to be the last time.” You whispered, not daring to look at him.

“I lied,” He was quick to reply. 

“Eddie…” You heaved a sigh.

“Please, just fucking listen to me for once.” He breathed; you’re sure you’ve never heard him this determined. 

“I’m a fucking idiot, and I’m the biggest coward in the whole fucking universe, okay?” You turn around to meet his gaze, it’s pitiful and heavy with guilt, and you wish you never cared about him.

You wish you could just throw your feelings away and leave him behind. 

“I don’t deserve you!” He exclaimed, causing you to roll your eyes. 

“Stop… just stop with the bullshit of making me pity you—” You replied angrily.

But he doesn’t let you finish. 

“Look, Y/N. I want that with you, I want something real with you… Shit—more than anything.” 

You chuckled, baffled. “Too fucking late for that.” You replied coldly. 

“I—it doesn’t have to be!” He spoke, grasping at straws to get you to give him one more chance.

Just one more fucking chance.

“What good will it do?” You whispered.

“You know what I realized?” You asked, putting on your shirt as Eddie gazed at you with need. 

“We’re both so beyond fucked up that...” You squeezed your eyes shut.

“Us—” You pointed toward the two of you. “We would never work!” You spat.

“I’m the last fucking girl for a relationship, and you’re the last fucking guy for a relationship.” 

“That’s why it would be perfect!” He tried to reason, but you shook your head.

“No—no, it wouldn’t! We’d eat each other alive!” You exclaimed, but Eddie refused. 

“So?” He shrugged.

“So? We’d just fight all the time! You really want a relationship that hard?”

“When did you become so fucking afraid to take a risk? A little challenge?” You narrowed your eyes.

He read you like a fucking book. You knew you weren’t afraid of a challenge.

You were afraid of getting hurt.

You were afraid of being more attached to him than you already were.

You were afraid of him running out once you decided to fully commit.

You knew it wasn’t all him; you were messed up in your own fucking way. Avoiding everything that felt too real was your specialty, because you’d rather be aching now than in the near future when he broke your heart again.

If you didn’t leave now, you never could.

“Goodbye, Eddie.” You muttered, shutting out whatever he was saying as you closed the door. 

Eddie sat on the bed, alone with himself, and his mind that was spinning with thoughts and his own voice telling him that he fucked up. 

He chucked his jacket to the ground as he rubbed his hands along his face in frustration. 

He had truly done it this time, he had lost you.

Forever.

But did he have to? 

Did he need to be a fucking coward again? 

Why would he give up this fucking fast when he didn’t tell you how he even felt? 

Eddie got up in a hurry, sprinting toward the party like a man possessed, spinning around each girl he saw in the hopes that it might be you. 

“Have you seen, Y/N?” He asked, and the blonde girl pointed toward the porch. 

He muttered a quick ‘Thanks’ as he slipped through the bodies in his way as fast as he could, making his way onto the porch with anticipation, eyes glistening the second he spotted you. 

You were sat on the cold wooden floor with your face buried into your hands, quiet sniffling was all Eddie heard. And he felt it again—that familiar ache—the same ache he felt the past month, when he couldn’t see you, talk to you, or know how you were doing. It returned instantly when he heard your sobs. 

“Hey… hey…” He murmured, causing you to jump as you turned to him with swollen eyes and your mascara was quick to run down your cheeks. 

“You’re gonna get cold, honey. Let’s get you up, yea?” He had never been this fucking caring, nor did he ever pine after you this much; he always held back, no matter what storms brewed in his mind. 

He extended his arm for you to take, but you glared at him coldly. “What are you doing here, Eddie?” 

“I need to talk to you.” He said. 

“Jesus fucking Christ.” You muttered, “How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t want to—” Your rant was interrupted by his pleas.

“Please—just don’t say anything and just listen, please.” You sighed. 

“Please, Y/N.” 

“Fine.” You crossed your arms against your chest, your eyes still glistening with tears.

He inched closer to you. “These thirty fucking days I’ve spent away from you… It’s been torture, Y/N.” He shook his head. 

“You—you have no fucking idea the things I did... The things I’ve tried to forget about us... Forget you.” His voice almost cracked, distress overtaking his features. He was sincere, so fucking honest that it was starting to make you afraid.

You couldn’t decide if it was him or the chilly breeze that sent shivers down your spine. “And no matter what I did, I still found myself itching for you. A part of me that I couldn’t fucking kill craved for you… to see you, to call you.” 

You’d never seen him like this before.

Eddie was always guarded, all fun and teasing. Always turning serious shit into jokes.

And this was real. The only thing you wanted from him, the only thing you begged that he made a mockery of. The hypocrisy was appalling to you.

You opened your mouth, your brows had already furrowed, and he could tell you were going to curse him out, so he didn’t let you.

“I know… I’m a fucking hypocrite, I get it.” He whispered, and your eyes almost widened.

How the fuck did he read you that easily?

“And I’m so fucking sorry for everything I said.” He ran his hands through his curls, almost tugging them out for being an idiot.

“I was afraid, okay?” He heaved a sigh, hand ruffling through his messy hair.

You didn’t want to ask him what he was afraid of because you knew—because you were afraid of the same thing.

Your lips trembled with need; no words dared to come out of them. 

“I was so fucking scared because I did the first thing we promised not to do.” He squeezed his eyes shut. You knew how bad he was with his feelings; you couldn’t even believe that he had made it this far.

“I think—No, I know.” He shook his head.

“I really fell for you.” He was ripping open your chest now, holding your heart out. Telling you he felt the same. A gasping, quiet noise escaped your lips; this was all you wanted—needed.

You’ve been this close to Eddie countless times before; hell, he probably fucked you at a much closer distance countless times before, but this was intimate. 

“And I realized... I could lose everything in this fucked up world.” He took a deep breath, his face so close to yours that you could sense it. Sense every emotion radiating from his body—the vulnerability, the pain. 

Each beat of your heart was like a drumroll against your chest; everything you longed for was there, a breath away from you.

“But not you. Oh god, not you.” His brows knitted together in a painful expression, and his voice was barely audible as he looked at you with a gaze that held you as the center of his universe.

You wanted to kiss him; you wanted his soft lips to graze against yours; you wanted to sob into him, melt into him, and become complete with him. 

“W—what are you saying?” You asked, and you knew the answer, but you needed that confirmation, you needed those three words to leave his lips.

“I love you.” He said without hesitation, and you couldn’t help the childish grin that formed on your face, mirroring Eddie’s. 

“I—You do?” You stuttered.

“Yeah… I love you so fucking much that it’s embarrassing, really.” He chuckled, still not able to comprehend your expressions; you looked… frozen. 

“You, uh, you don’t have to say it back.” He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, all of this was so fucking new to him. What was he supposed to do now? Kiss you? No, no, no... He couldn’t do that because you didn’t say it back. 

“I’m sorry, shit, uhm—I honestly have no fucking clue what I’m doing,” He stuttered. 

You gave him a warm smile. “I’d say you are doing well,” You whispered, scrunching your nose. 

“Yeah?” He returned the smile—that goddamn smile that brought out his dimples. 

God, you wanted to kiss him. 

“You’re making it so hard for me to leave.” You muttered, turning around to take a breath as you shook your head.

Eddie sighed, hands quick to find yours as he turned you to face him. “Then don’t leave. Stay.”

His past words didn’t matter, and how your relationship started didn’t matter. None of it mattered now because Eddie was ready, ready to give himself fully to you. And he looked at you like you were the only thing that mattered.

It was now or never. You heaved a sigh of breath as you looked into his eyes; you couldn’t help yourself. How could you not utter those words back to him?

“Jesus…When I told Robin that I was ready to fall in love again, I didn’t mean with you.”

You barely gave him any time to process your words as you smashed your lips with his.

It was as if passion was dripping from every move; it felt so fucking different to have this many emotions carrying your actions.

Before you could further it, taste him fully, Eddie pulled back slightly. You whined at the loss of contact. “Wait, wait, wait.” The words slipped past his lips quickly, eyes widening at your words.

“You—you? You are…?” He asked, baffled. He didn’t expect you to say it back.

He expected you to hate him forever. The thought of someone loving him was unfamiliar to him, especially to the extent that you did. Healing his fears without realizing it.

Your lips quirked into a smile. Why was he so idiotically cute?

You nodded, affirming him.

“Say it, please,” He pleaded, hands gentle as they cupped your cheeks. The look he gave you was mellow and your face tilted as you melted into his tender touch.

“I love you,” You muttered, eyes glinting with all the unspoken feelings you’ve been containing.

“Again.” A grin overtook his lips, and his widened eyes didn’t falter, shock and pure bliss apparent was written all over his face.

“Please,” He implored, brows softening each time you gave him that pretty smile.

“Soooo needy.” You narrowed your eyes jokingly.

“I love you,” You repeated, your gaze lingering on his honey-glazed eyes.

“Aren’t you a fucking dream?” You giggled, the dimples on his left cheek were pretty, he was so pretty.

“I love you more, honey.” He whispered, smashing his soft lips against yours.

And you invite him in to patch up the wounds he made, to give you the world, to love you fully; knowing that the blind faith transcended into something real, something worth worshiping.

[mebemilena]

I'm loving all your Maya Lopez stories. They are amazing!!

"I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you"

A/N/: This was gonna be smut but i decided to have it on a chapter of it's own, in case some of you who have followed this storyline dont read smut.

To the sweet anon that sent me a message, this is for you.

Friendly reminder: i write on the drafts of my email so i can edit anytime before posting.  It turns out sometimes i cant proof read it and some grammar and spelling mistakes go unnoticed. i'm trying to pay more attention and let the text rest for at least a few hours before reading it to corret. Might edit the past chapters soon.

Tittle from Big girls don Cry, by Fergie.

- - -

Though Maya had told you to leave by the morning without breakfast, you were adamant about cooking her something.

"Why are you so stuborn?", she signed while you fried some eggs and bacon, the smell of fresh coffee spreading through the small kitchen of her childhood house.

You looked at her all heart eyes, like she put the stars on the sky, and that was clearly bothering her. You filled her a plate and smiled lovingly.

"Stop looking at me like that.", she frowned at you.

You noticed Maya was in a very bad mood, which didnt make much sense to you. She had kissed you last night, cuddled you on your sleep and left a kiss to your neck before getting up this morning. Not even an hour later, here she is. Staring daggers at you. 

"What's wrong?", you asked but Maya just looked away. You walked closer, standing in front of her as she avvoided your eyes. 

You tapped her nose with your index finger, getting her attention and making her face you. "Look at me?", you asked.

Maya kept staring at you, waiting for you to say whatever you wanted to. "Look, if we play our cards right, everything will turn out well." , you tried to convince her.

"This is not a game. And I'm not a prize.", she told you, arching an eyebrown.  Was she talking about Fisk offering money to whoever found her?

You rolled your eyes. Who was being stubborn now?

"You're not a prize, Maya. You're..." you started but paused. You kept looking at her, deep in thought.

"What?", she asked.

"I forgot the sign for that.", you tried.

Maya huffed.

- - -

At noon, it started to rain. You made sure to close the windows before going up to Maya. She was standing against the back of the couch, watching the rain fall down on the outside of the house. 

"This is perfect.", you told her. The rain falling and the smell of wet grass embracing your nostrils made you a little clingy. 

Maya looked at you, a strange look adorning her bautiful face. She seemed sad. 

Right there and then, you were sure she was gonna simply tell you to forget about her, to move on and leave Tamaha. You thought she'd tell you that she didn't like you anymore, tell you to leave her alone and go back to New York. 

Then you'd go right away, walking in the pouring rain and crying your heart out. And it'd be like a sad romance movie.

But she did the oposite of that.

Maya tugged at the hem of your shirt, pulling you to be in front of her, and brought you closer, hiding her face on your neck. She inhaled your scent and you remembered why you hadn't change your perfume in such a long time. 

It was something you thought would work when you started flirting. Picking a smell that'd make her think of you whenever she smelled it. That's why you walk around with tangerine essential oil on your clothes and inside the necklace you're always wearing.

- - -

When you first met Maya she always kept a serious face. As you became close, she'd show you a softer side and you'd take the opportunity to actually learn more about her. 

You had met many versions of Maya and you loved all of them, though you'd seek a few of them more often than the others.

Fierce Maya was one of your favorites. She'd keep her chin up, lips sealed and a perfect eyebrown arched, looking into your eyes like she could make your soul bend to her own desire. 

Funny Maya was all sarcasm and light teasing. She'd smile wild watching you trying to understand a joke she just told. She'd playfully bump your shoulder with her own and she'd even wink at you while at work.

You loved all versions of her, but right now you'd love to have Sexual Maya. The one with wet kisses and a dirty mind, the one that'd make you scream filthy words in three different languages while making you go over the moon.

Maya was a sweet lover but she did have her moments of pure desire. "It's just sex, this is not a relationship", she had told you when you first started your thing. 

At that time you only understood the word "sex" and "relationship".

- - - 

" i missed you too.", she started. "But it wasn't fair to bring you into all of it. I wanted to keep you safe.", she explained. 

You heart grew ten times. Maya telling you she cared for you made you believe things could work out again. Screw Kingpin and New York, you could restart in Tamaha. You'd restart in a small iglu in Alaska,  dressed as a polar bear, if she'd have you. 

"I want you.', Maya signed, bringing you to reality, her eyes full of something you were yet to understand. "All of you.", she continued before claiming your lips with her own, taking your breath away.

-

Check out my redbubble shop:  https://www.redbubble.com/people/MilenaFernandes/shop?asc=u

toss a coin to your artist (me) at ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/mebemilena

[satorus-lover]

TOP SECRET

paring: Chifuyu Matsuno x Fem! Reader

genre: fluff

content warning: none

notes: Happy Valentines day! I hope you guys have a good valentines day today cause i didn't.. anyways I hope you guys enjoyed this oneshot. I didnt proof read anything and I'm sorry if its bad I'm trying to get use to writing stories. LMK if you want me to write about someone. It can be anyone from TR, AOT, HQ, and JJK.

"Okay byee guys" You give your friends a hug

"is chifuyu walking you home?" one of your friend's asked you

You look at your phone and you see a message from your boyfriend, chifuyu saying that he got called for an emergency Toma meeting and that he wouldn't be able to walk you home today.

you sighed, putting your phone away, "Nah It's just myself for today". your friend frowned and the other scoffed. "Seriously?! Its the 3rd time this week"

"Its okay! he always walks me home" You give them a small smile, "Its just that he's been busy lately"

your friend rolled her eyes and the looked at her watch, "Oh shit we have to go" She grabs your other friend's arm, "We'll see you tomorrow y/n!"

"bye!" you say as your 2 friends walk away

You turn around and you start making your way to the black gate. While you're walking you start thinking about chifuyu. You haven't seen him since friday of last week and its wednesday. He's either at a meeting or he's hanging out with Takemichi. Usually you wouldn't have a problem with him going to his Toma meetings or hanging out with his friends but you haven't seen him for 6 days.

As soon as you step foot off of school grounds someone grabbed your shoulder.

"what the-" You turned around

"you need to read this letter but you can't show anyone!" The person tells you in a deep voice

"Who-" He cuts you off, "This is a top secret letter and you need to read it when you get home. again. DON'T. SHOW. ANYONE." He gives you the letter and then he walks into a van

You stand there confused and scared. Who can this man be and why was he giving me a letter you thought. You look at the letter for a second. The letter was in a eggshell white envelope and in the front had your name in cursive.

You put the letter away and you start walking home.

-

Once you enter your house you put all your stuff away and then you head to your room. you close your door and you sit down on your bed while holding the letter.

"should I wait till I see Chifuyu..?" You mumbled to yourself

"DON'T. SHOW. ANYONE"

those words kept replaying over and over. You take a deep breath in and you open the envelope. You take out the paper that was in there and you unfold it.

Dear Y/n,

You are the most beautiful girl I ever saw. The moment that I saw you, I just knew that you were the one. You are so smart and Talented I love you so so much. You mean the whole world to me and you deserve everything. I would do anything to make you happy. If you are free tonight if you are free :)

Love your best boyfriend in the world Chifuyu :D

You put the letter down and you felt your face heat up. You pull out your phone and texted him.

chii 💞

You: Yes i'm free tonight 🙃

chii 💞: you got my letter? teyhehe

you: yes I did

you: I love it so much and I love you too but I have a question...

chii 💞: whats up?

you: why did you send a sketchy guy to gibe it to me :/

you: im ngl he scared me 🥲

chii 💞: AHH SORRY BABY

chii 💞: he's a member in Toma and I asked him to give it to you 😭

you: ooh that make sense 😭

you: everyone in Toma is scary

chii 💞: you should get ready soon

chii 💞: I'll see you tonight :)

chii 💞: love you <3

you: Okie okie love you <33

[mikajihiko]

Given Mix_20 Thoughts! Can I just say my respect for Ue has increased drastically, how drastic it already was in a way I thought it couldnt get any bigger than this, but it did, and heres why! When Hiragi first reached out the Rikka, he only ever requested Ritsuka to finish the song (yes Hiragi forced him to actually do it butsdkjasd) He never said Ritsuka should follow Yuki's sound, everything else was on Ritsuka. Even Hiragi was surprised when he heard

To make it clear, its not because of Hiragi forcing him that made him want to do this song, we all know Ritsuka has no problem saying 'No'; the real reason I’ll tackle later on. But, the reason he didnt want to do it was because of the emotional weight he felt when listening to Yuki's song

Sure, first it was uncomfortable by the mere fact that it was Yuki- Mafuyu's ex and shizuragi's childhood friend. Most especially, especially after feeling the remnants of Yuki's emotions, especially when he knows how Yuki passed away, it would’ve made anyone want to quit

But again, that didnt stop him, instead it propelled him further! Mix_20 gave emphasis on the reason as to why and it’s because Ritsuka wanted to not only to give closure to Mafuyu. He also brought it onto himself to give these grieving childhood friends some closure despite it not being his responsibility, and he was very aware that it wasnt. But, he saw an opportunity to do good to others and took it. It was emotionally tolling for him, yes, but not because he was forced to make music, BUT because he wanted to do give his all as someone who is a perfectionist; He wanted his gift to be perfect

And thats not the only thing that amazes me, he also showes respect towards Yuki's music by saying he was GLAD to have listened to Yuki's song (あの曲をみつけられて 良かった). And he turns the stressful experience into something positive, saying he feels very much personally fulfilled about not only being helpful to others, but as well as a self-accomplishment by seeing the proof of his own capabilities. (「ここまで やれる」 それが証明できた. 今は、それが満足だ ) Mix_20

Ritsuka could’ve chosen to be selfish. Just like how initially, he had made the 2nd part of Yuki's song to sound like him, as he was responsible to finish the second half- a change Hiragi noticed (mix_9). This was when Ue felt like shifting priorities to reaching Mafuyu

The shift of knowing that Mafuyu had been feeling lonely all those times. Reading Mix_14, surely everyone understands the external pressure added on to Ritsuka as well- guilt of having fun with another band while leaving his own, slowly losing himself in this heavy process. But the message of Ritsuka's story here isnt negative- it’s showing how feeling down and anxious during stressful events is a normal thing, that everyone needs help and deep thinking for them to align themselves.

And of course because of this, Ritsuka got back on his feet as the strong person he is. Not letting the anxiety get to him, and got back to doing things his own stubborn way (affectionate). He lets go of selfishness, knowing with all confidence that his own skills can pull Mafuyu.

And so he did, and this sense of accomplishment he feels washing over him during the end of SYH debut, knowing well he has not only accomplished his goals of pulling Mafuyu but also made Hiragi shine, gave closure to those close to Yuki, and had proven himself to be capable! All the shocked faces coming from Shizuragi really make me laugh. Never would they have thought of Ue to be someone as selfless and giving, but that truly is him. Someone so kind and generous with confidence and power- "fundamentally a good guy"🙈💖

EDIT: I fixed some grammar and punctuation-ings 😭 I wrote it while moved by strong emotions, it was crazy! Needless to say, Im very proud of Ritsuka and I dont think I have the words to fully express myself. I hope this blog can emit even a bit of that feeling!

[sparring-spirals]

I honestly adoring those episode, it has everything I could have hope for

FCG discovering their soul, that they developed themselves

The group fighting (literally) for Laudna

The interactions between VM and BH where perfect, Percy’s understandable anger towards the thought of being Delilah back, Vex’s guilt because she feel responsible for Laudna’s first death, and Pike just being Pike, the best damn baker

Oh, I am absolutely with you on that. GOD what an episode!!!! So many highlights!!!!!! So many fascinating character interactions and conversations and onion-peeling-layers and smidges of angst and determination and love and- nice. NICE. Im still so excited that everything is kind of coming out in interconnected jumbles, and I am absolutely going to end up writing individual metas about more of these, but suffice it to say:

(i got so excited, this got long, sorry. its basically like 5 different seeds of metas)

- I loved F.C.G's reaction to getting definitive proof they were alive. I love that it was almost less joyous and a little more scared. Because it IS scary! All this time, F.C.G has been living their life for others, divining their purpose from others, they haven't really been living like they were. Alive. Realizing you have a life on your own terms, under your own control, is freeing, and that freedom can be scary! and kind of shitty, sometimes! You have all this space to fuck up. You have all this responsibility if you do. F.C.G realizes they have a life, they are alive, their life matters. and their first reaction is "well, shit." thats SO GOOD. "Well, I have to live." "Unfortunately, true." 👌👌👌👌👌👌👌👌🥳🥳🥳🥳

- I'm a little less confident on my reads of Vox Machina but from what I knew I really liked how those conversations played out. It all made sense to me. which is nice. Percy with his family and hard won peace around him, seeing his worst fears rise up and threaten. Vex with guilt around her shoulders but the chance to help. Pike with that kindness and sincerity and flour on her clothes and being unused to reviving again but so good at helping. And also Keyleth really needing a nap and a few hugs maybe. Someone get that gal some calming tea, stat. The interplay- Vex touching Laudna's ears, Pike watching everyone with entertainment, THE ASHTON AND PERCY CONVERSATION. god that conversation

- I've got so many feelings about Bell's Hells literally fighting for Laudna, fighting through a mindscape comprised of Laudna's personal demons. I've got SO many. Some people have already written excellent posts about it (@c-is-for-circinate's post here, and @mockingmolly s post here, come to mind), and I already waxed poetic about it right after the episode but like. its so good! its symbolic and sweet and weighted and poetic and like. When Pike proposed it, they all said yes, almsot immediately, with almost no hesitation. This party of people who were always so eager to dive into each others problems, to help each other, getting to LITERALLY. Dive in and fight and help and save. And they did it through a weird fucked up slumber party. perf. (and i JUST READ A OSOT ABOUT THIS and need ti add it here and its about how laudna Isnt Getting A Say In It rn as well intentioned as it is which. also makes it. kind of fucked. god this needs its own post but like. yea.)

- you didnt mention this explicitly but the ashton and percy convo and tbh everything about how ashton reacted to these massively powerful people- the unsureness and reservations then just- straight up opening up to Percy, in a way, in their fury. the changes in them moving them to anger, still, but of a different sort. pleading, but angrily, furious, trying to push reason. so offensive their defense dropped. that conversation was SOMETHING.

- Also not mentioned but like. Imogen, my gal. My buddy. my darling. oh boy.

- chet's little kindnesses and reactions through the ep were also Something

- i hope fearne steals something

anyway sorry lost the plot a little here but YES what an EPISODE i am HOLLERING and BLOWING AIRHORNS 🥳

[raikkxz]

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨ 𝐇𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐍 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊 (dr3) 𝐱𝐨 ୧˚

★ requested﹕yes/no — summary﹕ in which the writer, scar, doesnt know what to summarise this 😓 — warnings﹕established relatioinship, unnamed ex mentions, pet names, really short bc that's how i write my fics, probably not proof read well, lmk if there's anything i missed💗 — pairing﹕dr3 x f!reader — w/c﹕600+ ★ start a/n﹕hii angels!! late valentines post!! like i said in my last post, ill probably be using songs to base my fics off of, so here we are. i skipped some of the parts of the lyrics bc it wouldnt make sense/didnt fit, so sorry if youre listening to the song and reading this and it doesnt make sense 😓 hope you enjoy!! [italics are past moments/memories] ౨ৎ 𝑫𝑻 (tag list) ;; none yet but open :) based off of the song . . .

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Could you tell where my head was at when you found me?

Me and you went to hell and back just to find peace

You heard a soft groan as you rubbed your eyes, wrapping yourself in the soft fabric of your bedsheets.

Eyelids heavy, your lips curl up into a smile.

Man, I thought I had everything, I was lonely

Now you're my everything, I was lonely

"Honey, would you do the honour of being my valentines?"

That sentence from the week prior replayed in your head over and over again. It was your first valentines together as boyfriend and girlfriend. You smiled to yourself as you remembered the time Daniel asked you on a date.

I mixed a lot of love with a lot of drugs, then I found you

She liked petty crimes, she had green eyes like Mountain Dew

And where she go, I'll never know

Her friends bounced too

"Oh please, don't waste your time on stupid men like him," Daniel put his arm around your waist. "I can do way better than that, buttercup. Especially for the fact, it's Valentines. His loss for leaving you. But my win for having you here with me." Daniel winks, his confidence never wavered and grin never leaving his face.

I guess it's their loss 'cause they'll never know what we'll amount to

Would you be my light, be my yellow?

"Morning, baby." You head a gruff yet muffled voice under the blanket, snapping you out of your thoughts. You giggle softly, lifting the covers from your boyfriend's face.

"Morning, love." You grin, leaning in and peppering his chin with kisses.

Your boyfriend chuckles, pulling you in. One thing about your boyfriend, for sure, is that he was never afraid to show his love and affection for you. "C'mere, honey, I'm cold." Daniel wraps his arms around you, kissing your shoulder.

You laughed softly. "Happy one year and valentines, Danny." You sigh happily, kissing the bridge of your boyfriend's nose.

"Happy one year and valentines to you too, honey bee." Daniel kisses your cheek. "I'm taking you out today."

You smile, "Oh? You didn't tell me we had plans. I would've woke up earlier."

Daniel grinned, his eyes sparkling with excitement. "I'm taking you out at night. It's a secret, love. But I promise you'll love it."

You chuckled, shaking your head. "Alright, Danny, you win this time. I'm all yours for the day."

P.Y.T walking down portobello

Put a smile on this face at the end of the day

MDMA helped us fly away

With that, you both got ready for your special Valentine's Day date night, stepping out into the cool evening air. Daniel offered you his arm, which you gladly accepted. You walked hand in hand, your heart fluttering with anticipation for the night ahead.

The city was alive with the buzz of Valentine's Day, lights twinkling overhead, and the faint scent of flowers lingering in the air. Daniel led you through the bustling streets with confidence, his presence reassuring and comforting.

Finally, you arrived at a quaint little restaurant tucked away in a charming alley. The ambiance was romantic, with soft candlelight and gentle music playing in the background. You shared intimate conversations over delicious food, savoring each moment together.

As the night drew to a close, Daniel whispered sweet nothings in your ear, expressing his love and gratitude for having you in his life. And as you looked into his eyes, you knew that you had found your peace, your happiness, your everything in him.

Who'da known, who'da known you would save my life?

Who'da known, who'da known you would fly my kite?

Could you tell, could you tell?

Could you tell?

☆ end a/n﹕school is sickening fr

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[edwardcullenisadilf]

Undiagnosed depression.

I see a lot of people on this website talk about the struggles of depression. i think we've all seen at least one post that talks about going to therapy, or antidepressants, or something along those lines. but i never, ever, see anyone talk about the struggles of having depression, but not having it diagnosed.

my whole life, i've always felt this darkness. just lingering in the background of everything that i do. no matter how much im smiling or laughing or having a genuinely good time, as soon as that good time stops, this overwhelming feeling of sadness and despair just washes over me. and this feeling wasnt just "aw boo hoo im sad that was fun" its being sad for absolutely no reason. you dont know why your feeling this way, theres no way to stop it, and that just makes it 10x worse.

i've always known what depression was, but i didnt know the actual symptoms and full definition of it. so, when i finally learned what that was, everything clicked. it made sense now. i felt the chains that wrapped around me loosen. i finally saw a shred of hope.

Before i continue, i want to get a little bit into my history.

the first true depressive state i was ever put in, was when i was 10. my grandma had just died. my grandma and i were really close, and she was like a form of comfort to me. when i got the call.. it was like the darkness came flooding into my mind. everything good seemed to disappear, and my whole life seemed to turn upside down. that started to seep into my self image, and i got really insecure about my body. i wouldn't eat, take care of myself, talk to anyone, and barely even leave my room. Then, my dog died. i still hadnt gotten over my grandma, so this just fed the "darkness" even more. this time, i tried to be okay. it didnt work. since there was a lot going on at the moment my mind was occupied with a lot of other things. here is where the story gets dark. about a year ago, i moved across the country. me and my family drove, so it was an endless cycle of driving, and sleeping in a million hotels. this was when i started struggling with self-destructive actions and behaviors. i took a pocket knife to my arm almost every night, just because i felt it was all i could do. this then repeated when my other dog died, and sometimes just for no reason at all.

After reading all that, you can imagine how happy i was when i FINALLY found the cause for the thing that's been holding me back my ENTIRE LIFE. and then when i finally talk about it... this is the response i got.

"that's not valid"

"you need to be diagnosed. stop faking for attention"

"you dont act depressed"

"you just dont have any friends"

"you're just lonely"

"you're just overdramatic"

"you're just sad"

You're just

sad.

I dont think anyone realizes how crushing, and invalidating it feels to be in SO MUCH pain ALL THE TIME and then being told that you're faking it, or attention seeking, or that you simply dont count. Yes, a professional diagnosis is helpful for some people so that they can get help, and i too want to get a diagnosis so that i can start therapy or take antidepressants. but please, please, PLEASE dont be an asshole and invalidate people that haven't gotten a diagnosis. NEVER say that they are "faking depression" unless you have concrete fucking proof. i never wanted to be depressed. i dont want to be depressed. god, i would give anything not to feel like this, but i just.. haven't been able to do it yet. It's too sides of the same coin, but one is getting help, and the other is not.

thanks.

[thaliamccn-blog]

hello <3 i am diana ( u can call me di if u like ) and i am nineteen, a libra, go by she/her pronouns, n reside in the est timezone !! somethings u should kno about me…i am a girl group stan first and a human second ( stan loona stan twiceblackvelvet stan fromis 9 stan weki meki etc etc ). i am a sansa stark enthusiast and love lana del rey with my whole heart. so that’s basically me !! and now, onto thalia under the cut like this post n i’ll message u to plot!! my discord is we just wanna have some fun !#5522 if u wanna talk there, or i can message u on tumblr im’s <3

↪ son naeun. she/her. cis female. ╱ i thought i saw thalia moon getting questioned by the police. the twenty-two year old is in their third year at west bridge studying fashion design. they were at manon’s party because manon was wearing one of her designs. do you think they had something to do with her death? + eyes stained by glitter and mascara, the feeling of isolation among a crowd of people, smoking a cigarette with a glass of red wine. ◜ diana. 19. est. she/her. ◞

ok i’m gonna do my very best to keep this short because whew,,,, i’m a rambler asjdhkdjh 

i guess i will start off by saying she’s aquarius sun scorpio moon...so that’s some indication of her personality ajksdshdh,,,

she is bisexual

here is her pinterest so u can get 2 know her aesthetic <33

now onto some backstory

her father owns a development company (basically think bart bass from gossip girl but she is not chuck bass because he’s gross) and her mom is a socialite

she was raised in a wealthy family on the upper east side (nyc). she is an only child, so she grew up weaned on expensive items and became a bit materialistic because of it

because she was an only child people assumed she was always the center of attention but the truth is her parents were very neglectful of her...n she grew up to be pretty emotionally stunted whew she literally cannot deal with her emotions but we’ll get to that

her parents never really wanted kids, they just had thalia to present a family-friendly image, so they used her whenever the cameras were around

during her high school years her father ran into a bit of legal trouble because of a building he owned that burned down. he had buried the story, but word was beginning to come out again (yes i’m ripping off gossip girl ASHDKJH)

her parents divorced because of the scandal, among other things. the two of them constantly fought ever since thalia was a child, but her mom decided to remove herself from the scandal while she still had the chance (which is exactly what her moms father, aka thalia’s grandfather, told her to do)

after the divorce, thalia was left in her father’s care

during the scandal, she began to lash out and rebel against her father specifically, but he threatened to take away her trust fund if she did not behave herself. he needed thalia’s help in maintaining his image

so she agreed to stop lashing out publicly, but still continued her lifestyle on the lowkey

she always managed to get herself into trouble, but also found her way out of it one way or another

thalia took an interest in fashion design early on in her high school years and was able get two internships while she was still in high school

after the divorce, she barely ever saw her mom. not that it mattered because she didn’t see her much in the first place, but her mother ended up remarrying suddenly became a family person, leaving thalia to feel extremely bitter

as all negative things did when it came to her father, the scandal blew over and the truth went unnoticed yet again

when it was time for her to go to college, her father basically told her now that she was an adult he did not care to see her much anymore. he said her trust fund was still in place and to not hurt his image, otherwise he would take it away, but he basically severed ties. this is why she decided to move away from her home in new york city and go somewhere she thought she could be more lowkey

she hates her parents, especially her father and wants to make her own money and stop relying on her trust fund, but she’s also too materialistic to give it up...rip

and here we have some quick words about her personality:

thalia is very closed off and has a hard time trusting people

she is not necessarily shy, but feels she is often misunderstood, which is one of the reasons she is never at the center of any social event and likes to hangout along the sidelines instead

thalia is always down to try new things, she is literally up for anything. she’s the type of person who gets bored easily, so she’s always seeking the next thrill

i would not say shes mean (she can be) but she just doesn’t have the most welcoming personality, and maybe she can come off as intimidating (that’s up to ur characters of course)

her view on the world is very negative, she’s most definitely a cynic

the party/manon incident:

thalia was at the party because she asked manon to wear one of her designs. due manon being extremely popular, thalia figured she could get more recognition as a designer by asking her to wear one of her designs

she attended the party to see how people were reacting to her dress, and also because she probably would have attended anyway

she wouldn’t have exactly considered manon a friend, but manon was one of the few people thalia didn’t mistrust, so when her dead body was discovered, thalia was definitely taken aback

thalia was definitely under the influence of something, so she probably doesnt remember that night all too well

when it came to the pact, thalia was quick to agree to it. her father’s one condition for her to keep her trust fund was to stay out of trouble. she knew he could probably have saved her from the mess, but she did not want to have to seek his help

she feels weird being apart of this pact, considering she probably doesn’t trust most of them, but she also didn’t know what else to do

plot ideas (if i remember i’ll strike them out when they get taken):

step siblings - either side of her family, her mom remarried and her dad definitely could have so i would looove step sibling plots. they can b on friendlier terms, or hate each other, literally anything would work

party buddies - this is pretty basic and self explanatory, but someone thalia can go out and have fun with. their friendship is most likely surface level, or prob started that way, but it’s possible they became deeper friends (maybe thalia opened up one day when she was most likely under the influence of something)

ex-fling - thalia is definitely the non-committal type so i doubt she would ever have an ex bf or gf, but it could still have been a serious un-labeled relationship, or just an ex fling. they could be on bad terms, good terms, still have feelings, not have feelings, u name it

unrequited crush -  ur character could have feelings for thalia, but being the way she is, she doesn’t feel them back. this could develop into thalia eventually having feelings for ur muse, or not, whatever we want! OR thalia could have a crush on someone who does not like her back. maybe they’re even more emotionally unavailable than she is, or they simply do not like her back. we could plot this out however

current fling/“friends” w benefits - someone she is currently seeing/sleeping with. could be no strings attached, or there could b some feelings there. maybe they don’t want to make it anything serious, or maybe they’re ready to take it to the next level. maybe one person is ready to go further, and the other isn’t. i put “friends” in parenthesis because she probably doesn’t have many friends

enemies w benefits - imagine the tension!!! they started out hating each other, but ended up hooking up. maybe it was a one time thing, or maybe they can’t stop going back to each other. i think it would b cool if they kept it a secret, they don’t want anyone else to know. this could develop however we want

ex-friends - someone thalia used to consider a close friend, but they had a falling out for whatever reason n maybe they hate each other now. maybe they want to re-kindle their friendship but don’t know how

sibling-like friendship - someone thalia sees like a sibling. they’re there for each other and look out for one another, always have each other’s backs

dynamic duo - could be thalia’s current best friend. i would say she probably doesn’t have many friends, but this person is prob one of the closest people to her and has actually managed to break down some of her walls

confidant - someone who confides in her or someone she confides in, or they confide in each other. they don’t necessarily have to be friends, but they get along and maybe they talk more in private

rivals - they hate each other for whatever reason. maybe it’s jealousy or their personalities just clash, but for whatever reason they do not get along. i love a good enemies plot. they can just b nasty to each other!!! 

safe haven - *mini drug tw*  i did not know how to label this so i apologize for the name. but i think it would b cool if someone helped thalia out during a bad night. she typically saves herself from bad situations, but one day she couldn’t and luckily ur muse was there to help. maybe she drank too much or did too many drugs or mixed the two and ended up rly bad. either way, i would love for someone to have helped her from a tough time. she would probably feel really confused and guilty and like she owes them. maybe ur muse can manipulate her bc of it and make her do things bc she owes them, or maybe they genuinely had good intentions. i would also b down for a plot about thalia helping out someone else’s muse from a sticky situation!!

bad influence - i would loveeee for thalia to be a bad influence on someone. someone she can corrupt in a way, or just lead down a bad path akshkjhd and get them to try new, and not-so-good, things

good influence - someone to be a good influence on thalia. someone who brings out the best in her and tries to steer her down a better path

partner in crime - someone who does crazy, illegal shit w her. someone who is always down for the next adventure n they have crazy memories together

model/muse - someone who models thalia’s clothes. they could simply just be her model, or maybe they could also double as her muse, someone who inspires her best work. there can b romantic feelings there or it can b totally platonic !!!! but i think someone who models for her would be super fun

photographer - someone she partnered with to take pictures of her designs. it can be a strictly mutually beneficial business partnership, or maybe it spiraled into a sort of friendship where they bring out the best in each other (work wise) and stick together for their different projects.

childhood friends - someone who knew thalia when she grew up. maybe they knew about her weird home life, or maybe their friendship was set up by their parents. maybe they were just friends out of their own free will, but grew apart when they grew older. the possibilities are endless

roommates - they could be on good terms or bad terms. maybe thalia coming home at odd hours of the night doesnt sit well with your muse, or maybe they dont have an issue with it at all. maybe they are starting to get along and hangout more because of being roommates

tldr: thalia is an emotionally unavailable wealthy aspiring fashion designer who has issues with her parents and likes getting into trouble

[xutokawa]

hey!! how are you? i just read your angst posts (atsumu and oikawa) and i just LOVED IT!!! ur writing is so good!! so i was hoping if you could write the same scenario but for kuroo and sakusa (if you don’t write for him thats okay just kuroo?) but like at first they don’t really care that their s/o left but after a month (and like it’s your 2 years anniversary) he realizes how much he fucked up when he realizes he won’t evee celebrate it with you again. btw i don’t really care about pronouns but if you could do gender neutral it would be great!! thank you so much!!! hope you have a nice day

pairings: kuroo x reader, sakusa x reader

genre(s): fluff to angst, cheating

warnings: langauge, cheating, allusions to smut

wc: 1.9k

» masterlist

a/n: thank you for the request! sorry it’s taken me a bit longer to write! life got in the way, but im back to writing! and ofc i’ll write for sakusa!! fjsklfj words can’t describe how much i love this prompt, i just love making boys suffer and regret, and delayed regret is just so *chefs kiss* i didnt exactly follow the prompt for sakusa, but i still hope you enjoy!

atsumu and oikawa ver.

osamu and iwazumi ver.

suna and bokuto ver.

akaashi and hinata ver.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺ 

Kuroo

You saw the signs ages before you actually found out. Longer nights out, shorter phone calls, the lack of physical affection. You knew Kuroo was slowly slipping from your grasps, and you had no idea how to fix it. Your heart broke a little more every time he came home with alcohol on his breath, ignoring your attempts to take care of him.

The distance only grew when the college semester started again. You’d wake up to an empty bed and go to sleep in an empty bed. Your texts and calls went ignored, and the only responses you got were, “sorry, babe. busy w hw.”

Your last straw was when he actually came home before 10pm. Happiness filled your senses as you heard his keys jiggle in the doorknob to reveal your boyfriend. It felt like ages since you’ve last seen him, and you immediately rushed into his arms for a hug. That happiness, however, was soon crushed when he smelled of someone else. Artificial fragrance filled your nostrils as soon as you wrapped your arms around him. That’s when you knew, instead of spending his nights with you, he was with another. 

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

“Kuroo, show me your back,” you said, not meeting his eyes.

“What? Why?” Kuroo asked back.

“I know it's over. I know what we have is dead, but I need proof. I need something to confirm that I’m not going insane” you replied, tears beginning to pool in your eyes. You had seen a little under his shirt when he reached up to grab a plate from the top shelf. Tears began pricking your eyes thinking about your boyfriend cheating on you.

Kuroo finally understood. Silently, he stood up, taking off his shirt, turning around to reveal what you knew all along. Evidence of his late night escapades laid evident on his back. 

You couldn’t help the sob that escaped your mouth. It hurt, knowing you weren’t enough to keep the man you love interested in you. Your heart shattered at the thought of Kuroo indulging in someone else’s body, giving them his love and affection while you waited in your shared bed, attempting to replicate his warmth with blankets and pillows.

“I’m sorry,” Kuroo whispered, “I didn’t mean to drag it out this long.” His words sent knives into your heart.

“Me too,” you meekly replied before standing up, heading towards your shared bedroom. You found yourself wondering when it all went wrong as you began to gather some belongings. When did Kuroo realize he was losing feelings? His voice broke you out of your thoughts.

“It wasn’t your fault, y’know?” Kuroo said from the doorway, “Feelings fade, it just sucks that it happened to us.” Numbly, you nodded, unable to form a reply.

“I’ll come back later for everything else,” you said, finally facing him as you headed for the doorway, “Thanks for everything, Kuroo.” 

The former middle blocker didn’t understand why his heart ached watching you leave your once shared apartment. He knew he didn’t have feelings for you anymore. The excitement of your relationship had long left Kuroo, so why did he feel the need to take you into his arms?

Over the next few days, Kuroo grew increasingly unsettled. He often found himself searching for your face on campus, hoping he would bump into you. Unconsciously, he would reach out every morning for your sleeping figure only to realize you weren’t there. It was the little things that reminded Kuroo of you. His mind would wander back to the first time he saw you in a coffee shop, brows furrowed as you attempted to solve your chemistry homework. Walking past the strawberries in the grocery store reminded him of the taste of your strawberry chapstick when he kissed you. He couldn’t understand why you continued to fill his thoughts.

It wasn’t until a rage of jealousy consumed Kuroo when he saw you walking across campus with another guy that he realized, maybe his own feelings betrayed him.

That’s why Kuroo was wallowing in a storm of regret on what would’ve been your second-year anniversary. The former spiker attempted to find comfort in a bottle of gin, memories of your one-year anniversary flashing through his mind, your smiling burning bright in his memories. Regret consumed Kuroo as he picked up the key you dropped off last week after taking the remainder of your belongings, twirling it in his fingers.

God, he felt so stupid. How could he ever think that he would fall out of love with you? Everything about you screamed perfection, and Kuroo thought, maybe he betrayed himself knowing he would never be good enough for your perfection.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

Sakusa

Excitement bubbled in your stomach as you walked towards the stadium. You were going to surprise your boyfriend after his game. Previously, you told Sakusa that you’d be unable to attend his away game, work taking priority over his volleyball game. While he was disappointed, the wing spiker understood, kissing your forehead before he left for the next few days. While you weren’t lying about your workload, you unexpectedly finished it early. It was Atsumu who suggested for you to surprise him after the Black Jackal’s game.

Recently, you felt a rift grow between you and Omi. You just chalked it up to be from the high demands of both of your jobs, holding out hope that your relationship was fine. Despite that, his unenthusiastic ‘love you’s and general coldness towards you still cast a shadow of doubt on your relationship.

The roar of the stadium filled your ears as you walked in, the adrenaline from the game evident in the air. You made it for the end of the game, hoping to catch Omi as he was leaving. Finding a seat in a corner, you waited as fans began filing out of the stadium. Once everything had died down, you called Atsumu.

“Hello?” Atsumu picked up.

“Hey, ‘Tsumu, where is everyone?” You asked as you stood up and began wandering around.

“We’re all in the locker rooms. Most of us finished changing and we’re about to head out. Do you wanna come with?” Atsumu replied. You could hear the shouts of Bokuto and Hinata in the background, still high off the adrenaline from their victory.

“It’s okay,” you laughed into the phone, “I don’t think I’ll be able to keep up with Bokuto and Hinata’s energy tonight.”

“Well, if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me tonight,” Atsumu replied, worry laced through his voice.

“Of course, Tsumu, thank you. Is everyone in there decent right now? Can I just walk in?” you asked the setter, making your way towards the locker room.

“Some of us are shirtless, but everyone’s good,” Atsumu replied, “Are you coming in right now?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you in a bit, Tsumu!” you replied cheerfully, approaching the men’s locker room.

Your previous cheerfulness faded away as soon as you opened the door. Standing in front of you was your boyfriend. His back was turned, fumbling with something in his locker, giving you the perfect view of the harsh scratch marks on his upper back.

“O-omi,” you choked out, “wh-what is this?”Sakusa whirled around at the sound of your voice, surprise and a hint of panic settling onto his features.

“Y/n! What are you doing here,” Sakuasa replied in shock, quickly forcing a shirt over his head.

“I- I just wanted to surprise you, Omi did you cheat on me?” you choked out, eyes welling up with tears. The other members in the locker room grew silent as they finally understood the situation at hand.

“Look, y/n, I’m sorry,” Sakusa sighed out, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this.” The spiker awkwardly scratched his neck before continuing, “I wanted to do it in private, but seeing you already found out, I’ll just say it now. I don’t really feel the sparks with you anymore, y/n, I’m thinking it would be best if we ended things here”

Your world started crumbling around you as you processed his words. Eyes frantically searching his face, you saw nothing but sheepish guilt. A spark of anger flared in your chest. “That doesn’t give you the right to cheat on me, Kiyoomi,” you raised your voice, pain flaring in your eyes, “at least give me the common decency of breaking up with me before you decide to fuck someone else!”

“I said I was sorry, y/n. I can’t control my feelings for you, it’s just unlucky that I lost feelings for you,” Sakusa replied. You felt your heart shatter in your chest as you stared at the man you love. Truth be told, Sakusa had started to feel different around you. Butterflies no longer raged in his stomach at the sight of your smile. Instead, the spiker had begun to feel bored, finding himself too comfortable around you. He longed for the feeling of passion again.

“Omi, that was a bit harsh,” Atsumu stepped in, coming to your side.

“Butt out, Tsumu,” Sakusa rolled his eyes.

Your mind blocked out the rest of their conversation, eyes trained on the tiled floor in front of you. Embarrassment flooded your senses as you came to realize his entire team now knew you were cheated on. You wanted nothing more than to leave, to escape the pressing walls of the locker room, to escape from Sakusa’s gaze. Your heart clenched knowing he no longer reciprocated your feelings for him.

Silently, you tugged at Atsumu’s pinky finger. Immediately, he turned his attention to you, worry filling his gaze.

“What is it, y/n?”

“I-,” your voice caught in your throat, “need to leave.” Atsumu looked on at you, taking in your feeble, broken figure.

“Alright, y/n, don’t worry, I got you,” Atsumu attempted to comfort you, before turning to his teammates, tension filling the room. “You guys go on first, I’ll take y/n back to her hotel first.” His gaze lingered on Sakusa as he addressed the room, an indecipherable emotion filling his eyes.

That night, Atsumu never made it out with his teammates. Instead, he cradled your sobbing figure as he attempted to calm you down. You were internally grateful for Atsumu. His comforting embrace was soothing, eventually falling asleep in his arms, unaware of how his heart was beating a little faster than normal.

The absence of your presence didn’t go unnoticed by Sakusa. The spiker couldn’t figure out why he felt disappointment when he came home to an empty apartment. He couldn’t understand why he missed watching your dancing figure in the kitchen, or why he immediately thought to send you a funny post he saw on Instagram. Sakusa attempted to fill the empty void you left in your shared bed with strangers, but nothing ever felt the same. It frustrated Sakusa, knowing he was the one who cheated, the one who broke things off between the two of you, so why did he feel jealousy rise in his chest when he saw pictures of you and Atsumu together on his social media? Why did it pain him so much to watch you smile so brightly next to someone who wasn’t him?

The spiker didn’t realize that the reason he felt that way was because he never fell out of love with you. He didn’t realize his mistake until he watched you walk down the aisle, looking more radiant than he’s ever seen. Sakusa desperately missed your touch, the loving gaze you once held for him. He watched as you gazed at the man standing at the altar, love and passion burning in your irises. Sakusa felt the pit in his stomach deepen as you said your vows to another man. The realization hit him as he watched you put a wedding band on the same hands that set him countless balls. He was still in love with you.

[the-winter-spider]

Ghost of You - Part Two

Characters: Bucky x y/n, Steve x y/n (platonic)

Warnings: None?

Word Count: 1.3k

A/N: This is a small chapter! Its just a filler really, next part Bucky and Steve start really looking into what happened to the reader and where she went! Enjoy

Once again this is not proof read or edited

Part One

*****

Bucky was sitting next to Sam, across from Steve on one of the couches in the tower's living room, both hands holding your photo, his leg bouncing up and down. His mind was racing, memories of you were racing through his mind, both the good and the bad.

All the seconds he didn’t get to spend with you, all the wasted minutes trying to make you jealous, all the wasted hours on other women, all the wasted time he should have been with you. He was bubbling over with emotions, you were his greatest adventure but also his biggest regret.

—

You burst through the front door “Bucky! Are we still going to see a movie tonight? There's this new one playing down at the theatre we should see, Mary said its good”

Steve rolled his eyes, smiling at you “Knock much y/n?”

Plopping beside him on the couch “Awh come on n Stevie you know id never do such a thing” You looked around “Where’s Buck?”

You watched Steve smile fall, he parted his lips to respond but was cut off by Bucky opening the bathroom door, his eyes focused on buttoning his suit “Whatdya think Steve? Just got this today for my date with - y/n what are you doing here?” His blue eyes pierced into yours.

Your heart skipped a beat, he looked so handsome and that on its own was an understatement because Bucky always looked handsome “We had plans to see a movie tonight, but I see you found other, uhm better plans” Your voice betrayed you cracking at the last words, you tried to plaster on a smile but you couldn’t help feeling the liquid welling up in your eyes. This wasn’t the first time Bucky forgot about the plans he made with you, and you knew it wasn’t gonna be the last. Your eyes trailed over to Steve seeing him in overly large suit, putting two and two together, Bucky planned them another double date. Steve could see the realization swirling over your face. “Y/n, I don't even want to go, I’ll go with you to the movies”

You shook your head, standing up smoothing your dress. You felt so stupid, you bought a new dress, spent hours doing your hair and make up, you were so excited thinking maybe, just maybe Bucky would admit his feelings for you tonight, that all those stolen kisses, cuddles and drunken words actually meant something “Stevie its fine, James and you have better plans” You offered him a sad smile, making your way to the door.

Bucky cringed when you used his first name, it broke his heart “Doll, I mixed the dates up, I am so sorry” he reached out for your hand.

You pulled it away, almost regretting it aftering watch the pain and hurt make its way on his face, your one hand on the door knob “Seems to happen a lot lately, if you don't want to spend time with me James just tell me, I feel so stupid” You whispered the last part “Have fun Stevie”

“Doll”

Shaking your head you shut the door behind you.

—-

“I can go if you want Buck?” Sam offered

Bucky shook his head “Um no, it’ll be nice to have some support”

Steve cleared his throat “God, I don’t even know where to start Buck, it's a lot” He ran his fingers through his hair, Bucky looked up at him with pleading eyes “Just start, I need to know”

Steve nodded “After your last mission, I dreaded having to tell her Buck, she was always so hopeful after I told her I was leaving, after the serum, she kept telling me she knew you were coming back to her, that you guys were finally gonna have your chance at being together, that we just had to make it through the war” Steve paused taking a deep breath “And when i knocked on her door, she had the biggest smile on her face, yknow the one she always had when she got that stupid chocolate shake from the diner”

Bucky let a small laugh escape his lips remembering how much you loved that stupid chocolate milkshake that he declared was too chocolate-y.

—

The door chime went off and your eyes shot up “Well about damn time you two showed up!” You giggled jumpin up to give Steve and Bucky a hug.

Bucky slid in beside you, his arm slung around your waist, “You just early doll”

You turned to face him, your eyes peering into his “You know how much i love this place Buck”

Bucky hummed “Is that all you love?“

You opened your mouth but were cut off by the waitress coming but with your order “Here you go sweetheart, One chocolate, one vanilla and one strawberry, enjoy!”

You instantly pulled away from your moment with Bucky taking a big sip of your shake “Mmm this is by far my favourite time of the week! Nothing better than spending time with my boys!” You reached across the table and ruffled Steve’s hair “And getting a sugar rush”

—

A tear rolled down Steve’s face, clearing his throat “The look on her face when she saw mine, it was something I'm glad you never got to see Buck, she was broken. We sat on the floor for hours, she cried till she fell asleep in my arms, i stayed with as long as I could, but i had to go back it was my duty” He paused, eyeing his friend over before continuing “She kept saying that she didn’t get the chance to tell you she loved you, that you didnt know”

“I knew” Bucky choked out

“I know, i told her” Steve offered a small smile

—

You were doing dishes when a knocking came from your front door “coming!” you yelled, taking your rubber glove’s off, fixing your apron, you opened the door and a smile broke out on your face when you seen Steve, but as soon as your eyes locked onto his you could see something in them that wasn’t there before, you started to shake your head “no no no no, no!” you screamed tears were streaming down your face, Steve took a step towards you “y/n I-“

You took a step back into your house “NO! He promised Stevie, he p-promised” You fell to the floor, you were clutching your chest as you let out a scream. Steve knelt down on the floor with you, pulling you in his arms, you cried and cried, your heart broke, everything hurt “I l-love him Stevie, i never got t-to tell him, h-he didn’t k-know”

Steve grabbed your face in his hands “He knew y/n, he knew. He loves you to, so much”

“Loved”

“What?” Steve’s eyebrows met in the middle

“He loved me, h-hes gone now”

—

Bucky readjusted himself on the couch “What happened to her? Did you find out”

Steve shook his head “I tried, it was one of the first things I did, but there was nothing on her, it's like she never existed. I asked Peggy when I found her, she didn't make much sense, said something about y/n became obsessed, she didn't say what with, said she kept saying that she knew you weren’t gone that you wouldn’t leave her, and the last time she seen or heard from her was one week after I went down. There is no death certificate, i searched the cemeteries in Brooklyn, i stopped by her old house and its gone, there’s nothing there, it's like she just disappeared”

“No, there has to be something. I need something” Bucky cried out “Steve that's not her story” He ran his fingers over your picture “We need to look again”

***

Tags: @seabass17

Let me know if you want to be tagged!

[atticinthecafe]

its 1 am and I wanted to write before I headed off to bed. this jumps around a lot time wise and I did not proof read it I'm ti r e d

---

The first time Akira did this Morgana nagged at him the whole time.

---

"Joker! You've been wandering around the city for hours," Morgana whined from inside the bag, shifting around.

Akira just hummed in response. His eyes were distant and foggy, constantly trained on the distance. Sometimes they would scan across the crowds, almost like he was looking for someone, but for the most part he just seems dazed, lost in thought. He kept walking, the twists and turns memorized by the back of his hand, simply wandering. Sometimes he'd end up on a train to some other area, but he just wandered all the same.

"When are we going home? I'm bored!" Morgana complained, this time getting a bit louder.

This seemed to break Akira from his thoughts, as he frowned looking at his bag where Morgana sat.

"I can talk you home if you want," He spoke low, just to his cat, in a neutral tone. It was hard to tell what was on his mind.

"Yes! wait- you're going to keep walking?"

"Mhm,"

"I'm not leaving you on your own! I'll just tough it out then! But we better get food sometime soon!"

---

Morgana hadn't really known why he was wandering, but to be fair, neither did he.

He had his hand shoved into a pocket, holding the glove he had gotten from his rival and walked around the city, watching the scenery and the people go past as he drifted. It was different now. He had been doing this for weeks. Just- walking around.

Orginally he had no clue why he did it. Something weighed on him, made him feel heavy. He zoned out during conversations and stared into space. Morgana suggested maybe fresh air and a walk would help refresh his senses, but it just ended in him wandering.

He needed the space, to be away from people. He also needed away from his thoughts, but that wasn't so easy. The city provided a nice distraction. Different things to think about. But that didn't stop the soft lull of sadness from weighing down his head.

He missed Akechi if he was being honest. He didn't notice it. But it was like a low hum in the back of his heart. Invisible stress making him tired when he hadn't done anything. It haunted him and didn't leave him be.

---

Morgana at some point had mentioned how when cats lose a friend or someone they care about they'll wander around, meowing and crying out for the other.Akira wondered if Morgana had been talking about him when he brought it up.

Today he had left Morgana with Futaba. The fog in his head and weight in his chest had gotten worse the past week. He hadn't known why until Ryuji mentioned it was around the same date they had met Akechi.

Incredible how his subconscious refused to let go.

The rain pattered against his umbrella as he walked and puddles gently splashed beneath his feet. It was nice to get rain in June. He certainly didn't mind it. It gave the city a softer, calmer feel. It almost felt like the rain took some of his weight with it when it fell.

---

Akira was fine most days. He seemed normal. Almost like he had moved on, but there were some where he simply disappeared out the front door, and everyone knew. They knew he still missed Akechi, no matter how many times they told him he shouldn't.  They knew he needed space for a bit.

The one time they made him stay it was obvious how he was stressed without realizing it. He fidgeted awkwardly and didn't participate in conversation. He seemed like he wasn't there at all and when spoke to he'd look up confused and obviously off in his own world.

Sometimes they would intentionally tell him to take a walk. He'd get shaky and tense for no reason. Seem more irritable and quiet than usually. Not handle loud noises or being around people well. This is when his friends would step in and tell him maybe he should go for a walk to calm his nerves. Sometimes it would take him getting frustrated over something small and all his stress breaking like a dam for the others to take notice, in which case they'd quiet down and all pause to take care of him. Whether it be one of them going on a walk with him, or the group settling down to bundle up in blankets and form a small pile as they watched movies together.

He wished it would stop. The days where he was stressed without realsing it and dazed. The days where he felt like the slightest thing going wrong would cause him to start sobbing and he didn't know why. The days where he missed Akechi.

He wasn't even certain if he was alive.

---

It had been a few years. Akira was better. He was managing better. But he still suddenly disappeared for walks. Some nights he wouldn't sleep at all and instead wandered.

It had been one of those nights, and now here he was, head resting on the counter of Leblanc well Sojiro huffed at him in the background. Something about going upstairs to sleep and not staying up so late.

He didn't move though, and Sojiro didn't seem to mind. There was something calming about the atmosphere. It was warm and the chattering of the TV in the background provided comfort in it's own way.

He couldn't sleep, as much as he wanted to the stress tugged at his brain keeping him just awake enough to be unable to sleep but not awake enough to bypass his exhaustion. So he just sat there, soaking in the smell of coffee and the peaceful air.

---

A ring sounded from the door, and Akira didn't bother looking up, staying where he was.

That was until he heard a soft, almost amused hum as a chair besides him was dragged out from its spot, someone sitting besides him. His eyes flickered open and up to meet red ones, gazing at him fondly.

The time passed in sections, one moment he has his head on the table, next he knew Akira was a crossed from the man, getting started on his favorite cup of coffee, pressing his glove back into his hand with tears pricking at his eyes. Then he was brewing coffee. A conversation between them was happening but- he didn't hear it. It made his chest warm and light, the lightest it had felt it years.

He placed the coffee infront of the other with a smile. He could feel the pure, unfiltered love and happiness just to be able to hear his voice again rush through his body with every word the man spoke.

He hummed softly as the other pressed their hands together, the warmth filling his body yet lingering just where he touched him.

---

His heart felt raw.

Akira blinked open his eyes to Sojiro leaving. To the once warm comforting room feeling cold and bitterly lonely. The warmth that lingered on his hand feeling almost like a bitter sting.

He lifted his head up to find tears streaming down his face and his sleeves damp from where he had been resting his head.

Of course, it was just a dream.

His fingers found their way into his pocket, and he gripped the glove tight. His chest was nothing but raw pain that you would have figured he would have gotten over by now.

He just wanted to see him again.

---

The next few days were incredible low for Akira. He spent most of them asleep.

Dreams were incredible tantalizing now. The fact that occasionally, he would see Akechi again in them made them feel more worth while than reality sometimes.

It was lonely.

He spent a long time asleep that week. More than he should have, but he couldn't help it. The sting in his chest was hard to bare.

---

Akira laughed.

It was the fullest his chest had felt in a while. No longer that haunting hollow that followed him around from day to day.

He was still moving on, he still occasionally had days where he would wander. But they were less now.

The warmth that filled his chest when his friends smiled, the brightness in their eyes and the lightness to their tone when they said the stupidest jokes made the lonely fade.

He had forgotten how good they make him feel.

There was a bittersweet taste left in his mouth when he thought about Akechi. How he should get to feel the same warmth Akira did. How he deserved so much more than the cards he was handed, but Akira didn't linger on that. He couldn't. He had to move forwards.

Akechi would probably call him stupid for staying stuck on him so long. He would say how he shouldn't waste the life he has thinking about someone who killed him. How if anything he should be glad he finally won. There was no more rivalry to be had. But Akira still had to disagree.

Akira took every step as a challenge to be better. He spent the days trying to improve, telling himself that he couldn't fall behind now. He couldn't disappoint the rival he loved so dearly by stopping just because it was over.

He figured if Akechi ever did return, he'd give him a real challenge. If he met Akechi again he wanted to be someone he could respect, someone he could challenge and find worth challenging. He wanted to keep the rivalry alive in his own little way. It was just a promise in his own mind he had to keep. And he couldn't do that with a hurting chest, so he indulged in the moments surrounded by friends, with laughter in the air.

He would do his best to continue, just to prove that he could. He wouldn't forget Akechi, he didnt think he could, but he wouldn't fall behind because of him.

---

When the day was late and the sky had turned shades of orange Akira was left cleaning up Leblanc, making sure everything was ready for business tomorrow.

It had been a while since he had finally realized that he had moved forwards, but he was still making progress with each day.

He leaned back onto a shelf, letting out a soft satisfied hum as he relaxed for the day.

Then the bell on the door rung.

Then a familiar voice spoke, and Akira had to make sure this wasn't a dream.

"I hope I haven't come in too late for a cup of coffee Kurusu, I was hoping we could catch up,"

[brelione]

4 times the pogues interupt you and JJ+ the 1 time you get to be alone.

Request:Hi!! Could I please request a fic with JJ? I was thinking “4 times the pogues interupt JJ and y/n’s alone time. And the 1 time they get to be alone. Maybe some smut if you are comfortable with that❤️ I hope this request make sense haha❤️❤️

Warnings:Smut,not proof read.

It had taken JJ a year and two months to finally get you to like him.Flirting with you at parties, making sure not to look in the direction of any other girl and stealing you candy bars.

You began to see him everywhere, at the beach where you went to collect seashells,sometimes coming up next to you and asking if he could help you collect them.He would show up at the coffee shop you worked at, a big grin on his face when you’d roll your eyes.

That eye roll eventually turned into an equally as happy grin, preparing his iced coffee for him before he even ordered it.You were a kook which meant he had to work extra hard.You werent one of the rude, stuck up kooks that were disgusted by pogues.

That was what originally made him so attracted to you.It wasnt until six months of not hooking up with any tourons, only talking about you that the pogues realized how serious he was and decided to help him out on his mission to get you to like him.

They didnt exactly like you,mainly because you were a kook but at the end of the day they really just wanted to see him happy.If another boy was flirting with you John.B would come up and start talking to the boy,most likely knowing him.JJ would then swoop in,offering you a gummy worm and asking how you were.

And now that he had finally got you he wanted to enjoy every moment he had with you.It took three months of the two of you dating for The Pogues to finally like you.It wasnt you yourself that Kiara didnt like, it was the fact that she had walked in on you and JJ.

JJ had you under him, your hands pinned over your head, his lips moving against yours as he grinded against you,trying his best not to start moaning.He chuckled at your quiet moans, kissing your forehead lightly before moving down to your neck, nipping at the sensitive skin and sucking at the flesh.

 “I love you.”He muttered,unbuttoning your cropped,flowy white shirt.You bit your lip as he began to leave kisses down your chest,holding your wrists down with one hand,using the other to unclip your bra and pulling it off of you completely,leaning back to admire you.

 “You’re so pretty, how did I get you?”He asked softly, still not understand.You grinned,slowly pulling your wrists from his grip.He let you, not forcing them to stay there.You leaned up,kissing him. “Because you’re fucking fantastic, even if you are a whore.”You giggled,kissing the tip of his nose.He squinted,pushing you back down.

 “Oh, youre gonna pay for that.”He smirked,licking a stripe down your chest,approaching your underwear. “JJ...please.”You pouted, watching as a smile tugged at his lip. “Its cute when you beg.”He licked his bottom lip,the skin staying between his teeth as he quickly looked you up and down,pulling off his shirt so you two were equal.

He sighed,about to tug on your underwear when Kiara opened the door,freezing when she realised what was going on.JJ threw a blanket over you, shouting for his friend to get out.Kiara closed the door,hand over her mouth. “What?”Pope asked, confused.They had just told her to go see if the two of you wanted to join them when they went surfing, not understand why Kie was so embarrassed. 

“I just saw shit that I never thought id see.”She whispered in disgust.JJ pulled the blanket off of you, laughing. “Oh my god.”You covered your face with your hands, feeling like you were about to cry. “I guess we should see what they want.”He frowned,getting his shirt back on,handing you your bra and shirt. “We’ll finish this later.”He winked at you,stepping out of the room.

Kiara never shut up about that,always finding ways to bring it up. “You guys are so gross.”She laughed, sipping her beer.JJ shrugged, not really caring as he threw his arm over your shoulders, pulling you close to him. “Shut up….”You grumbled,leaning into JJ’s touch. “You guys were going to do it while we were here!That’s so much worse!”She laughed, almost dropping her beer.

You looked down at your boyfriend,able to feel his boner even through yours and his pants, a grin on your face. “You’re so hard.”You leaned down to kiss him,squeezing his jaw. “Of course, pretty girl.You always make me hard.”He replied,his hands wresting on your hips. 

“Do I?”You questioned him,kissing his neck.He nodded,his hands slipping under your shirt and onto your waist,holding you against him.He closed his eyes so he could enjoy the feeling of you against him,your warm hands tugging at the hem of his shirt,pulling it off of him.

You gulped,staring down at his abs.You had seen him in swimsuits and his boxers but looking at him always amazed you.He was built like a renaissance statue or perhaps even a greek god.You pulled off your own shirt,watching his eyes widen and jaw drop.

Your body always amazed him despite seeing it dozens of times.He kissed your collarbones,moving down to your cleavage to leave kisses and hickeys,a smile on his face as he bit at your skin lightly. “You think they’ll hear us?”You asked,suddenly being pushed into the mattress,JJ now on top of you.

He shrugged,kissing you gently. “Just be quiet.”He told you,kissing you rougher this time away,biting at your bottom lip,slipping his tongue in your mouth,tugging lightly at your hair.“God,youre so fucking hot.”He whispered,tugging down your underwear,kneeling at the end of the mattress,beginning the teasing.

Licking a stripe through your fold,moaning when he tasted you.He let you place your hands in his hair,helping him set a good pace,trying to hold back your moans. “So pretty…”he whispered,watching your reaction as he pumped his fingers in and out of you.

You could feel the cold metal of his rings inside of you,the sensation odd but good. “JJ.”You whispered,needing more than just his fingers.He grinned at your eagerness,unzipping his pants.

Everything was fine until Pope burst in the room,screaming in horror before slamming the door,making loud gagging sounds. “Are you serious?”JJ yelled,huffing.You groaned,tired of this happening,hiding yourself under the blankets,allowing Pope to ask the question that he had come to ask in the first place.

 “Um...do you guys want to split a pizza with us?”He asked,embarrassed. “Really?That was the question that was so important?”JJ asked,becoming annoyed with every second that passed.Pope assumed that you guys wanted to split the pizza,closing the door again. 

“Maybe you should just come over my house.”You muttered,running your fingers through his hair.He chuckled,looking up at you. “yeah?You might love me but your rich ass parents dont,didnt they try to set you up with Topper?”He asked,remembering you complaining about it a couple months back.

You sighed, knowing that he was right.You knew that your parents would be gone for the weekend next week,a small grin on your face. “I mean...they’re going to the mainland next weekend.You should come over.”You suggested,watching a smile come across his face. “Next weekend you’re going to have the best night of your life.”He promised,excited.

Later that night after eating some pizza with the pogues you decided to tease JJ a bit.They decided that they wanted to get icecream,the five of you loading into the van to go to the icecream shop.You obviously sat on JJ’s lap as usual,his head on your shoulder,his hand creeping onto your thigh,squeezing lightly.

 “When we get back…”He whispered into your ear,smiling when John.B parked in the icecream shops parking lot,all of you getting out and ordering your icecream.JJ got his usual,a pineapple orange sundae with rainbow sprinkles and whipped cream while you decided on the green tea honey comb cream.

JJ was appalled by it,not understanding why you enjoyed it so much.He felt your hand on his thigh as you talked to Kiara,the two of you talking about the horrors of climate change.He didnt think anything of it at first utnil you began to palm him through his pants,unbuttoning them before pulling down the zipper.

As much as he hated the power you had over him he didnt want you to stop, wanting to see how far you’d go.He watched you eat your icecream,licking some of the melted dessert off the side of it.He shifted, gulping.You probably werent even trying,the thoughts mixed with your hand becoming too much for him when you suddenly pulled away,his eyes widening.

When you guys got back to John.B’s it was pretty dark,Kie,Pope and John.B deciding to have a fire while you and JJ decided to go to bed.He pressed you up against the door,glaring at you. “Why would you tease me?Did you want me to fall apart in front of them?”He asked,clearly upset by your actions.

You grinned,his hands on your shoulders and pushing you to the floor,on your knees. “Please be good to me,princess.”He requested,unbuttoning his pants,letting you tug them down along with his boxers,taking him in your mouth. “shit…”He whimpered,his hands going to the back of your head,his cock shoved half way down your throat,moans coming out of his mouth against his own will,eyes clenched shut as he fucked your mouth.

 “Fuck,you feel so good.”He praised you,trying not to be too rough on you,feeling you gag on his length,tears pricking at your eyes.He loosened his grip,worried that he would accidentally hurt you. “Good girl.”He whispered,his liquids spilling down your throat.

You swallowed it,pulling off of him,taking in deep breaths that you had been deprived of.He pushed you back onto the bed,pulling your shorts off of you,peeling off your panties,about to push into you when there was a knock on the door.His jaw clenched,staring down at you. “Fuck dammit.”He got off of you,getting his boxers on quickly.

 “What?”He called out,watching you hide your lower half under the blanket,scrolling through your phone casually. “Uh….do you wanna come to the fire with us?”He asked you guys, looking between the two of you.JJ shrugged,pulling on a pair of pajama pants,telling POpe you two would be out in a moment,handing you your underwear and shorts. “Cockblocks.”He muttered.

He was becom ing excited for the weekend that your parents would be gone,thinking of all the things he could do to you in one night.You two had never gone past blowjobs,fingering and hit eating you out no matter how often you tried.

He had never even been inside your bedroom before,nervous for a new location.He wasnt sure how often you had had sex or how much dick you could take,sure that it was fine and he’d figure it out that weekend.The morning after the fire he had turned on his side,wrapping an arm around your waist,placing sloppy,wet kisses along your neck,earning a giggle from you. 

“I love you.”He smiled,kissing your cheek.He groaned when John.B knocked on the door,telling you guys it was time to get up and get ready to go on the boat.JJ grinned,remembering what day at was,knowing he’d be able to take his time with you tonight.

The day took forever to pass,both of you becoming more and mor excited as the hours passed,finally getting to the dock that was attached to your backyard. “See you guys on Sunday.”JJ grinned,taking your hand and getting on the dock,seeing the confused looks on his friends faces.

They chose to ignore it,waving by to you guys and going off,creating ripples behind them.You and JJ were giggling quietly,finally getting inside your empty house,seeing three hundred dollars on the kitchen counter for dinner.

He licked his lips,glancing around the large room,seeing two staircases that lead to the same doors.You held his hand,leading him up the stairs,through the first set of doors,down one of three halls to your large bedroom.

The walls were white but covered with posters,photos and canvases,your bed was queen sized and made not too long ago from the looks of it.He saw your desk and your large tv on the wall,your closet and your little tray of plants. “What?”You asked,beginning to take off your shirt only for him to stop you,taking it off himself instead. 

“Nothing.”He answered,kissing you gently.He backed you up,pinning you to your bed,knowing that you probably wouldnt be up for a good couple of hours.He placed delicate kisses down your neck,pausing to pull off his own shirt.

He went slow,glad he could finally take time to enjoy the experience,knowing the pogues wouldnt walk in this time. “How far have you gone?”He asked,realizing he had never asked before. “Ive done it once or twice...never good though.”You admitted.

He grinned,unbuttoning your pants. “I’ll be good.”He started by sucking on you clit,hearing your moans.He was determined to make you finish at least once tonight,pushing his fingers inside of you,moving them quick.

Your moans were loud,not holding back now that the two of you were completely alone.He grinned,continuing to suck on you,curling his finger inside of you before adding another,commenting on how absolutely soaked you were. 

“Good girl.”He whispered,feeling you clench around his fingers,your fluids leaking out all over his fingers,a satisfied smile at his face now that he accomplished his goal,setting a new one for himself,licking his fingers clean.

 “JJ-please,I cant wait any longer.Please,just fuck me.”You whimpered desperately,feeding his confidence.He was quick to pull down his pants and boxers,just as desperate as you were. “Are you ready?”He asked,his elbows on either side of your head,lining himself up with your entrance.You nodded,trying not to look down,knowing you’d moan at the sight.

He kissed your forehead,pushing into you and reaching spots that had never been touched before.Your nails dug into his back,scratching angry red lines. “You okay?”He asked,realizing how deep your scratches went.

You nodded,urging him to keep going.He pulled out half way before plunging back into you,fingertips pushing into your hips,probably going to leave bruises the next day.You moaned with every thrust,his thumb rolling over your clit,making figure eights,biting his lip at the sounds of your loud moans,trying not to cum before you.

 “Gonna cum for me?”He asked,pouting when you shook your head. “Cant.”You answered,not quite there yet but you could feel yourself getting close.He chuckled,speeding up,grabbing the head board,his knuckles turning white by how hard he was gripping it,feeling you clench around him,moaning at the feeling. 

“You’re so good.”He praised you,continuing his thrusts but you werent complaining,still wanting more. He came inside of you,the wetness of both your fluids only making him go faster,grunting as he tried his best to hit your g spot every time,obsessed with the way you felt. “So tight….I wish I had come over sooner.”He kissed you again,gentle and soft unlike his thrusts.

 “I love you.”You bit down on his collarbone,making him smile. “Love you too.”He replied,thrusting into you one more time before you came undone for the third time that night,him following close behind you. “Round two later?”He asked,laying down next to you.

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[sawtual]

wow thanks! that was a really in depth post about it you make good points! when I played I definitely got the sense that monika had encouraged sayori to kill herself and I didn’t get the sense of any remorse when natsuki or yuri died or got fucked up but I guess u do make some good points there about how she was just trying to make them less desirable rather than kill them. I’m new to the game and the fandom so im not super familiar with everything yet but is there anything in the canon or lore that points away from monika having pushed sayori to commit suicide or is it mostly just fan theories and personal readings? either way thank u so much for answering!

yes i can absolutely find you some info on that!

there's quite a bit of information hidden within the games files, so I'm kind of assuming if you're new to the game, that you might not have seen these things? so ill dive into them too!

I'm gona do this under the cut so i can like, dissect things from the game !

(also i found stuff thats specifically pointing away from her meaning actual harm/death for Both yuri and sayori, jsyk)

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.txt (discovered in game files during act 2)

“All I want is for you to hate them. Why is that so hard.”

not, all i want for them is to die. she doesnt want to kill them. she wants to separate us from them so we are with Her, not them. things spiral out of control, but it was never her intention for things to get this bad. ntm its repeated over and over in this game how badly monika wants to die. she's hanging on by a thread, keeping on only because she wants to be with us, to be in contact with reality. this leads to really unfortunate circumstances but i really strongly believe everything in the text alludes to the fact she did Not want things to get this bad

ACT 3 INTRO:

(im copy pasting a transcript of the monologue here, but this is taken from the very beginning of act 3, which you can see in this video starting at 25:56)

imo this is all the proof needed to show that she really had no intention of ‘killing’ sayori and yuri. things spiraled out of control far beyond what she was capable of handling. 

her goals with making sayori more depressed and yuri more obsessive were, in here words “to just try to make them as unlikable as possible”. she didnt want her friends to brutally die!! she loved them q_q i feel like a lot of people really dont look at this specific part of what she says and take it to heart. its very telling for her character and important for understanding what she does and why she does it

ACT 3 MONOLOGUES:

sayori's hanging (cw: graphic descriptions of suicide)

dialogue of importance:

"I was thinking about Sayori earlier... I still wish I could have handled that whole thing a little more tactfully."

+

"Come to think of it, it was probably less 'changing her mind' and more just her survival instincts kicking in." "So you can't really fault her for that." "It's easier to think that she probably wouldn't have changed her mind anyway, right?" "It's not healthy to think about the things you could have done differently." "So just remember that even though you could have saved her, it's technically not your fault she killed herself." "I may have exacerbated it a little bit, but Sayori was already mentally ill." "Still, though..." "I wonder how things would be if you and I just started dating from the get-go?" "I guess we'd all still be in the clubroom, writing poems and having fun together." "But what's the point when none of it is even real?" "I mean, it's the same ending either way, right?"

ok so whats important here, is monika is essentially using us, the player, as a mirror in act 3? the things she says i believe, very strongly show her sense of uncertainty in her actions, and her fears of what if she could have done something else??

"even though you could have saved her, its technically not your fault she killed herself" reads SO much to me like shes trying to comfort herself with this, she doesnt want it to be her fault. nothings real, sayori's a character in a game. but she wishes so badly they could have just been normal girls living together.

happy end poem

OK SO LIKE. this is actual proof of Why she does everything she does. she's scared if she reaches out and tells us she's trapped in a game, we'll stop playing, we'll kill her. she tinkers with the game, trying to make herself look the best, trying to make us choose her, and nothing works. and this leads to her becoming frustrated and scared, and screwing with the game more and more desperately trying to do anything to save herself.

if you recall, in act 2, she gives you a poem which bluescreen the computer. this was actually an attempt she makes to escape the game q_q she never wanted to kill yuri, she never wanted things to escalate like that. she wanted to get out but she had no idea how to program her way out of the game, resulting in everything crumbling around her, and her friends dying.

my own route

hang on this one genuinely makes me so upset.

it very much relates back to how in the conversation about sayori's suicide, she's still clearly thinking about how things could be Different. shes thinking about how they could be normal. "I may not have needed to take such drastic measures to be with you. Maybe the rest of the club would still be around..." , and then immediately trying to convince herself it doesnt matter, and that she doesnt care.

its so so obvious shes hurting and she misses her friends. the additional "i really dont (miss them)" at the end really shows that shes desperately trying to convince herself that it was worth it, that she did everything she should have, and her friends dont matter. but they clearly do matter to her. she loved them (she couldnt even delete them if u recall)

also another important part about this monologue, a lot of people say she killed the other girls out of jealousy, but this shows thats not true??

"I think I would end up forcing you onto my route anyway." "It has less to do with me not having a route, and more to do with me knowing that nothing is real."

this wasnt because shes 'in love' with us. she wanted to be close to something real, something tangible. she's clinging onto us, the player character, like someone lost at sea with a piece of driftwood, doing everything she can to stay afloat

wine

ok this isnt on the surface level as important as the other ones, but literally look at how she talks about this memory.. she misses them so much and talking about this memory she clearly cherishes brings her so much joy. she doesnt belittle any of them, she doesnt talk down on them, she’s just reliving this memory because it makes her happy 

I HOPE THIS HELPS?? im sure theres a few more things im forgetting, but i did my best to scrabble up everything i could to show how monika’s not an evil mastermind, shes a scared girl who didnt realize what she was doing and when things got too bad, she did her best to fix it, only for it to get worse n worse

edit: oh heres the proof that monika always loved the girls and never actually deleted them

:’)

edit 2: haha.. um ouch

“It’s not right for me to miss things that weren’t even real in the first place.” shes forcing herself to try and ignore her feelings for the other girls

[onyxoverride]

"sub!zeke is all i can think abt rn

imagine being levi’s rival, an equal in terms of strength and agility. Humanity’s ticking time bomb because you have the power to literally destroy marley or paradis or both if you felt like it. having zeke tied around your fingers, he was terrified yet so turned on by you and your power 🥴

when you found levi shoving a sword down zeke’s throat all you could do was giggle, butting the handle of your sword against levi’s head, knocking him out. zeke’s eyes widened in surprise, he didnt even see or hear you sneak up on them.

you crawl on top of him, straddling his hip. your hands placed themselves on either side of his head, looking down at him with a playful smile that had a sinister undertone to it.

“levi 0, king kong 0, ____ 1. come on now, you’re nothing like what these little devils described! a few slices and now look at you, all fucked up by a man half your size. and now, you’re getting saved by someone tinier than you.”

he whimpers when you press your hips down onto his growing bulge. you get close to his ear, enough to let your lips graze it.

“what do you say zeke? how about a challenge. kill them all and ill join your side. i’ll destroy this island and take the founding titan. maybe i’ll even help you with your little problem.”

after a massacre, you laugh. your entire body was doused in blood. zeke looked in horror, you were surrounded my numerous dead bodies enough to make a giant mountain. he agreed with your deal, but oh how naive he was.

“why..?” he whispered.

you had killed hundreds. even innocents. when you said murder them all he thought the soldiers that swung from wall to wall. but he watched you kill every man, woman and child you saw in sight.

“oh my poor dear.” you chuckled, “you marleyans said so yourself. my people, well were, were devils. little roaches that needed to be eradicated. after all you’ve done you’re only taking pity and feel guilt now?”

he couldn’t stand the smell. it was like inhaling knives each time he took a breath. he didn’t think he’d ever smell such a thing.

“and now i’ll be hunting down the little golden haired boy. i’ll be taking the colossal and armoured next, then the jaw, then the cart, then the war hammer. don’t worry, i won’t eat you. you can take the role of ugly monkey. you’ll help me, right zeke?” we asked sweetly, slowly making your way to him before cupping his cheeks, staining them with crimson.

the look in his eyes satisfied you. you broke a part of him. a fine soldier that was crafted over years, one that was easily torn apart and retamed by someone who had no experience in war, just knowledge from written notes by a man that is now six feet under.

“help me, and we can rule the world. no more titans, no more governments. we can do whatever we want.”

“but- why me?”

“because, you’re his son. the better son. the only son.”

 hi sorry for typos and sorry for just dropping this on you i literally was just bored and spurted all of this i didnt even proof read it fkakfjwk hope you’re doing well onyx! stay hydrated bae 💞💞 - 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

I love this, love it!! I hope you're doing well too love!! <3 you better stay hydrated love and you're always welcome to my inbox

The problem with you is not because you're powerful -- it's because you're unpredictable. No one really knows what side you're on or if you're just lost in your own head.

So when you're telling him -- demanding him -- to kill them and you will join him... why not?

You saved him in a sense, so why not? His mind is so fuzzy with the pain of healing and you grinding into him. It's not like he can help it either, you're hot and seductive in the same sense that you are crazy.

Of course, he shouldn't have trusted you. It's horrifying, the amount of red he's looking at. He's seen it all but mostly at a distance -- didn't have to smell or see any of the details but with you he has to experience everything. The horrid smell of iron and bile, the way you laugh, soaked in blood.

He's stuck. Can't move an inch with you around, not without your say. It's ridiculous how much he listens to you.

A deal, idealistic and unrealistic but you have him ensnared. Rule the world.

He's gone this far down the well. You dragging him to the pits of hell, might as well dance along the way.

Together, you both have enough strength to do it maybe. Maybe.

You're the person that condratics his thoughts so fully, inner struggles of how he shouldn't follow you but can't help but do so. Every night he finds comfort in your embrace, nails digging into his skin and teeth at his neck. And every night is more pleasurable than the last.

How horribly he's fallen.

[shyrose57]

So what exactly happened to Ranbob after Ran left Mizu? Warning for brief mentions of graphic material, though its kept undescriptive. 

About a day after Ran left, Ranbob woke up. He woke up on the floor, confused to all hell. Because last he checked he fell asleep in his bed. He doesnt know the fact that Dream took over his body and mind for the last month. He doesnt know what he's done. So he looks around, confused as to why there's no one around. He looks in the school, no one, he looks in the training grounds, no one, He continues to look until he decides to head home, hoping his brother or sister will be there to explain what happened and where everyone is. He's expecting to see his family in the living room, maybe playing a game or just talking. Instead he walks in to see no one there and the house is dead quiet. The quiet unnerves Ranbob, he almost considers turning around. But he pushes on and visits Lias and Memi's room, his heart stops upon seeing their bodies both in different positions. He almost throws up before running out of the room. He checks his parents room to see the same scene, then he just books it out of the house. Running aimlessly. As he runs he finds more bodies, either in the cafeteria where they died from poison or outside homes and stores where they were clearly attacked. He continues to run, trying to get away from everything and the sudden weight on his shoulders. He fails. 

He eventually finds himself in the room Dreams mask is kept in, he suddenly feels a sense of dread and finds himself flung back into the recesses of his mind, coming face to face with Dream. Dream doesnt say anything and just stares at Ranbob. The two just stare at each other for a bit with complete silence, with the exception of a dripping noise. Ranbob looks around aiming to find the source of the noise, he doesnt find it until he looks towards Dream again and spots what looks to be blood dripping from a dagger at his belt. Ranbob freaks out then and starts to rip into him, demanding to know whats happened, that Dream promised to help him. As Ranbob questions him Dream starts to smile. He then simply responds with "I did help you. I got rid of all sources of your stress. Or, should I say, you got rid of them." That makes Ranbob freeze, and as he slowly processes that Dream killed everyone wearing his skin, he gets thrown back into the real world. He eventually registers whats happened as he killed everyone. So he screams. He keeps screaming until he can't and is choking on air as he trys to keep screaming. Then he cries, the tears burning a line through his skin until he has no tears left, them he's left grasping at his unkempt hair trying to ground himself and stop his panic. He fails and eventually collapses from emotional exhaustion. 

As time passes the pain from what he did doesnt fade, and Dream taunting him about it doesnt help. Dream takes control of Ranbobs body daily, he's actually in control more often than Ranbob himself. Because Dream isn't used to being in a actual body, he doesn't eat or drink when he should. Which causes Ranbob to gradually get thinner and thinner. He's actually still supposed to be growing during this time, since enderman hybrids typically stop growing in their 20s (give or take a few years). But due to malnourishment and dehydration he just stops growing, which is why, when compared to his brother, he's so short (Ran is 6'8 currently, Ranbob is 6'2 currently. Before they met up again Ran was 6'7 and Ranbob 6'0).

When the Fishermen arrived to Mizu, Benjamin and Isaac felt that something was off, but continued on. When they met Ranbob, Dream was still in control. During the tour the odd feeling Benjamin and Isaac have just grow more and more. When Ranbob attacks them, they manage to knock him down and pin him down. When he's knocked down the sudden impact seems to knock something lose, in both his mind and a item. A part of the Dream mask gets free of its place in Ranbobs pocket and skits across the ground. While the sudden impact knocks Dream from his pedestal in Ranbobs mind and gives Ranbob himself a opening to take control. And he takes it. He takes control but isn't able to say anything before the Fishermen haul him up and locking him in a room. Because the Dream shard is away from Ranbob, he's finally able to breath and think for himself. Benjamin, Isaac, and Charles typically vist him and give him food and water. But Benjamin often stays longer and takes time to talk to him. Over the span of a week the two get closer and Ranbob is able to tell his story, Benjamin believes him, due to the evidence he's seen. It takes time but Benjamin manages to convince the rest (mostly) to let Ranbob out and to listen to him. Cletus though refuses to listen to him and demands more proof. So Ranbob, very hesitantly, takes the group to Dreams Idol Statue deep in Mizu. When they get there Ranbob almost immediately becomes distressed, as in his head he's attempting to maintain his own mind and body as Dream attempts to take his puppet back. He grabs at his head, repeatedly saying no and stop it. The group doesn't notice this at first because their busy looking around. But when a sudden scream grabs their attention Benjamin jumps into action, grabbing Ranbob, and attempting to drag him out of the room. As Ranbob gets dragged out he screams for Dream to stop. The fishermen plus Ranbob later meet and Ranbob shares (almost) his life story. Cletus still believes this is just a act, but is out numbered by the others wanting to take Ranbob back to their home to help him heal. 

Stuff I couldn't fit in:

-Ranbob has nightmares constantly about what he's done.

-Ranbob sees Dreams smile in random objects (like water, food, trees) that don't even slightly resemble it. 

-Ranbob gained 2 inches in height only after the Fishermen rescued him and gave him regular and healthy meals. 

-Ranbob thinks Ran is dead. Although deep down he wants to believe his brother is alive.

--------------Questions---------------

When Ran figured out who was doing the killings, he immediately headed out to find the last Counsel member and find Ranbob. But on his way out something screamed at him to grab the book and items that where either given to him as part of his Technoblade Idol training, or given as a gift. He decided to listen to this feeling and grabbed the items before he headed out. 

He is good with enderman as enderman tend to leave him alone so he leaves them alone. He despises spiders because they tend to get into his sleeping/safe spots and are quiet as hell so they tend to sneak up on him. Skeletons and Zombies are just a annoyance and he's typically able to easily deal with them. Stays are a pain because of the slowness arrows they have and whenever they hit him he gets slow as well as groggy. He avoids creepers cause he doesnt see the worth in killing them. 

They are aware! Grievous made a potion mix of slowness, weakness, and a tiny pinch of regeneration (to contradict the biggest negative effects of weakness) to try to help Ran sleep. When Ran first opened up to the group about his paranoia Jackie offered to sleep with him if his paranoia stops him from relaxing enough to sleep. And Watson made a gesture and keyword that Ran just has to either speak or do for Watson to follow him and stay close to him when his paranoia gets to much to handle on his own. But even though Ran told them about his paranoia, he's reluctant to accept help from the others, funnily enough, due to his paranoia.

He does eventual, him staying there actually took him by surprise cause he thought he was only going to be there for like a week, next thing he knows 4 weeks have passed and no ones found him. So he fixes up his shelter and makes it more of a actual shelter against the snow and cold. Nothing really happens, which is a welcome change to Ran because he's so used to so much going on. He does end up having to fight a polar bear because it tried stealing his recent hunt. But other than that and a tree falling down in the middle of the night and barely missing his shelter, nothing really happens. 

It was actually a main playing factor in his paranoia and trust issues. 

A chapter in his book is dedicated to the Nether, and Ran, looking to escape his pursuers in a pinch, decides on a whim to try out this "Nether" thing. When he first arrives, the heat and sudden surrounding change shocks him, cause he didnt actually read that chapter of the book. He builds into the side of a hill to avoid hoglins, he doesnt have much in there except for chests with a bunch of different stuff, brewing stands, maps, and weapons. The piglins originally think of him as just a regular traveler from the other world, but slowly start to think of him in a more positive way. As Ran often stops by to give them left over gold and other trinkets he no longer needs for nothing in return. Plus he accidentally saves a baby piglin after he heard hoglins throwing a fit and decided to take the chance to hunt, he only saw the piglin after he killed the hoglins and brought it back to the nearby Bastion. Which immediately boosted the piglins option of Ran. Ran himself was cautious of the piglins, even after Ran saved the baby piglin, he knows better than to completely relax around them. Nether life leads to him relaxing a bit more than he normally would (which he'd later regret after he leaves because the hunters get a jump on him because he was too relaxed) and learning to watch where he steps, cause more than twice Ran tripped in the Nether and got to close to lava or magma blocks for his comfort. 

They where found by the group that dared to travel into the snow and chase him. They took almost every item there before burning down his house, giving Ran nowhere to return too. And they don't visit any of his homes purposely, they did run across his burned snow home, but they didn't stay long because Ran knew/thought there was nothing left.

The Gladiator group is understanding, as they know this is probably how he was when he was living out in the wild. And its understandable for him to regress back into this protective personality when faced with the same location he developed it in. The fishermen are put off by this sudden attitude change. But with possible explanations from the Gladiators and encouragement they eventually get used to it. 

The fishermen are mad and relieved. Their relieved it didn't actually hurt Ranbob. But are mad that it happened. Cletus was very close to vaulting over the edge of the arena and knocking Ran into the water surrounding the arena. Something I wanna add even though you didn't ask, when Ranbob was pinned down he didn't feel angry, he felt broken because he just found his brother! His brother who he thought died! And now said brother is trying to kill him. His brother hated him so much, but Ranbob thought he deserved this and resigned himself to die (though Ran never made direct moves to attack him and instead used the time to yell at him). The weapon gets properly disposed of, like it was supposed to be at the start. 

----------TotI----------

I don't remember if I mentioned it before either tbh but yes its his watch that caused the Travelers to arrive.

Its suspected either the Egg or Dream XD wrote the book. Some say its the Egg because its talking about its plans in the book. Others say its Dream XD and this may be a research type book the God was writing when it first encountered the Egg. The egg only has connection to the Travelers from The Masquerade and even then its either faint or non-existent due to the Travelers extended distance from the Egg (after the murders Billiam and Butler decided to move to a new mansion as suspension was starting to catch up to them. The Egg didn't come so its hold on them faded until it disappeared.)

Not particularly well. They go through multiple plans all with some success but ultimately failing. Eventually they narrow it down to the Eggpire repeatedly getting in the way and sabotaging their things during battle and the Egg being unable to be damaged forever. So they decide to get a piece of the Egg's shell that got broken off and experiment on it. The members of the Eggpire don't really care (or, Bad does. But he act like he doesnt) that the Egg uses their lives as nothing but entertainment and continue to fight to defend the Egg. 

-------------

Yes! When he was first rescued and was hell bent on somehow paying them back he always farmed for them. And even before he'd have to farm in Mizu to survive.

Ran no like socializing. Especially when its with royals or rich people.

MORE FLUFF, IMA TRY TO MAKE THIS A DAILY THING BUT NO PROMISES:

-Cletus started a game of tag and eventually it grew to involve everyone, and it increased to 2 taggers. One time Ran and Jackie where it, Ran was banned from teleporting cause its cheating, so instead he threw Jackie the entire time.

-Ran has his first celebrated birthday in years! (He didn't tell The Pit group about his birthday cause he didn't want too, but Ranbob eventually spilled its date to them.)

-Ran loves to have people guess the brothers age and seeing the surprise on their face when he tell them their actual age. 

-Benjamin is very much Ranbobs father figure.

-Sleepovers happen often :)

Brothers AU:

Oh, poor Ranbob. So he and Dream are able to kind of 'see' each other? How does that work? Might've asked this before, but what's Ranbob up to, when Dream's in control?

He'd be short for an Endermen then? Did it permanently stunt his growth? How does Ran feel about that, and does anyone else notice this, considering the rarity of hybrids?

Did Ranbob have a piece of the mask with him when Dream originally took control? How did he acquire it? I can't imagine a historian-to-be would be to eager to break something considered an artifact, after all? What did he and Benjamin talk about when he was with him?

Are there any differences to the Dream Room? Seeing as this Ranbob isn't fond enough of him to maintain it, and Dream might not consider it important enough-or does he?

Actually, what did they even do down there, with everyone dead? What purpose did Dream even have for having control of Ranbob's body so often?

Cletus thought it to be an act? Similar to what Ran thought originally, huh? Anything come from that?

--------

Poor Ranbob, for the majority of these things.

Good for him on the inches though.

-------

Again, can't remember if this was asked before, but Ran figured out who did the killings? Was he going to confront his brother-or did he just think he figured it out, and had it wrong? What was the origin of the feeling? Just a gut-feeling?

Spiders are the worst, so that's understandable. Why are creepers in particular such a hassle for him?

Are potion mixtures common? What mixtures/potions do the groups use most often? And seems Grievous is the main potion-handler, why's that?

Ah, irony.

Ran really walked into a freezing cold biome and went 'where are all the people?', huh? Also, who even fights a polar bear, the mad man.

Okay, so from what I remember, not too many people traversed the Nether nowadays(or didn't know about it?? I have no idea, there's so many posts, I can't the answer), so why was it in a not-so-helpful survival guide? Where'd he even get the book? It also makes me want to ask world-buildings questions about Mizu, but we're here to traumatize the people, so I'll hold off.

Ran is now a piglin favorite, good for him, he needs some allies. Where'd he get the gold, considering his life on the run? Did he make any specific piglin friends/allies? How'd the hunters find him there? How did they access the Nether?

The gang's thoughts on his little snow home remainders?

Cletus goes from Number One Ranbob hater to president of the Ranbob protection club, we have it here, folks. Also, poor Ranbob. Poor everyone, really, they're just going through it.

---------------

Tip Of The Iceberg AU:

Oh, XD's getting involved? That's interesting. Does he have any of his own connections with the travelers? How do the Egg-effected feel, having been broken free of it for awhile, only to find themselves toyed with by it again? Who says XD wrote the book, and who says the Egg, and why?

So they're fighting the Eggpire? Who's on the frontlines? What're the others doing? How strong is the Egg at this point? Is it a genuine threat, and do they have to keep away from it, or is it only an issue because it has the Eggpire to defend it? Bad cares? Is he not as under it's influence as the others, or something else?

-------------

Brothers AU(?)

That must've been an interesting experience. How did they react to that, considering Ranbob's not-so-healthy state? Or did he only start doing it once he was more stable on his feet?

....Doesn't...doesn't he work for an Emperor tho? But yeah, understandable.

I'll take what I can get!!

That tag sounds both hilarious and terrifying. Imagine being the fishermen and having one of the gladiators picked up and launched at you like a football-and then possibly the other one charging toward you. Like, if that's not motivation to run, what is?

Aww, good for him.

Okay, yeah, that'd definitely be funny. Ran forgave Ranbob and immediately chose mischief, huh?

Fishermen Benjamin pulls a Philza Minecraft, more at eight.

Very good!

-------

Have a good week!

[anti-catradora-receipts]

I really had to see someone say catra didnt abuse adora bc she "didnt have a position of power" over her. And claimed that i "didnt know what abuse was". Well i guess the abuse that ive been through in relationships (platonic and romantic), that has often been like catra/adoras dynamic, wasnt abuse huh. Guess im not an abuse victim after all by that logic

Dear anon,

Firstly, I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for everything you’ve been through. And I’m really sorry that someone tried to invalidate your experiences with abuse. I really hope you’re doing okay and taking care of yourself.

Secondly, I disagree with the person’s statement of “catra didnt abuse adora bc she "didnt have a position of power" over her.” That’s false. 

Catra admits to manipulating Adora during the show. And this article talks about manipulation in a relationship and how manipulation is all about power and control. I extracted some parts of the article and placed it right below (within the quotation marks): 

“People who manipulate use mental distortion and emotional exploitation to influence and control others. Their intent is to have power and control over others to get what they want.

A manipulators knows what your weaknesses are and will use them against you. This will keep happening unless you actively and assertively put a stop to it. That said, it is not always easy.”

Next, this article is from the perspective of a victim of abuse after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. The author of the article wanted to better understand their past abusive relationship and shared the insights that they gained from reading the book, ‘Power Games: Confronting Others’ Hurtful Behaviour and Transforming Our Own by Kay Douglas and Dr Kim McGregor’. I feel that the article illustrates in depth the enormous power imbalance between Catra and Adora and I extracted some parts of the article and put it below (within the double quotations): 

“After leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, I found myself needing to understand what had happened. Like most people who leave a volatile situation I was, quite simply, unable to process and articulate what was wrong. Apart from being incredibly vulnerable, I was also just too close to my own situation to see it objectively.

So I decided to read Power Games: Confronting Others’ Hurtful Behaviour and Transforming Our Own by Kay Douglas and Dr Kim McGregor. What I found was a wealth of information confirming what I couldn’t express or even see for myself. Here are some choice insights from the book, as well as some of my own thoughts*:

1. Control is always at the heart of a power game. The need to assert control will usually involve undermining and/or discrediting another to achieve our own ends. For example, we are using power games when we:

bully or intimidate someone into agreeing with our demands;

bait and provoke others through disturbing statements or actions and then claim they’re being over-sensitive/emotional, crazy or irrational (known as gaslighting); 

...

engage in name calling, put-downs, harsh criticism or threats.

2. Manipulators are not concerned with taking responsibility for their decisions/behaviours/feelings. Instead, they create a smokescreen by shifting the focus or blame to others. And consequently, the other party must assume the responsibility for making the situation ‘better’. If the other party is a ‘good’ person, they will comply with whatever demands are issued (peace at any price). As soon as they resist, however, the manipulator is likely to go on the attack.

3. For the receiver, cumulative exposure to such tumult may reduce self-esteem and increase anxiety, resentment and fear. Receivers will experience intense emotional reactions and may end up interpreting these as proof they are selfish, unbalanced, over-sensitive and unreasonable. They may lose their sense of self; either over-compensating to ‘get it right’ and ‘be better’ or even adopting manipulative tactics against others.

...

4. For the receiver, regaining personal power starts with a shift in one’s thinking. More specifically, an acknowledgement that the manipulator must take responsibility for their feelings and behaviours and any future change. It is accepting that the dynamic needs to change and learning to distinguish between real and manufactured guilt. It is constructing and defending boundaries and a willingness to listen to what anger is trying to say. It is the ability to cut through the smokescreen tactics and see the situation clearly. It is the ability to speak one’s truth and articulate one’s feelings. It is honouring the self. And, sometimes, this will mean leaving.

What I learned is that while not everyone who feels inadequate is a manipulator, every manipulator feels inadequate. So do we all, I know. But, what sets manipulators apart is the way they consistently and systematically re-distribute this inadequacy onto others.

...

What I also learned is that by disengaging I was not giving up, but that I was actively saying ‘I am worth more than this’.”

On a personal note, I just wanted to point out some additional reasons I see a huge power imbalance between Catra and Adora:

- The fact that Catra was completely okay with controlling Adora and Catra was not willing to give up her control of Adora.

- The fact that Adora seems to be the one who is constantly scared of Catra. At the present moment, I can only remember two scenes when Catra is scared of Adora: when Adora gets corrupted and attacks Catra at the beginning of White Out (S2E5), and when Adora gives Catra “The Look” at the end of The Portal (S3E6) . In addition, take a look at this scene. Adora honestly believes that Catra is going to kill her:

- The fact that Catra is completely okay with taking away Adora’s power. In the following scene, Catra doesn’t even see Adora as a person but as a tool. Catra literally states that they’ll use the corrupted sword in order to control Adora and use Adora as an advantage for the Horde. Catra even states that she’ll control Adora to kill Adora’s own friends. That is unbelievably sick. Moreover, Catra was completely okay with controlling Adora’s choices and actions. In fact, this scene supports the fact that Catra was completely okay with taking away Adora’s freedom. 

And honestly, there are some stark similarities between the previous scene with Catra and the following scene with Shadow Weaver. Shadow Weaver was ready to take away Adora’s power and use Adora as a tool against the Rebellion. 

I’d also like to point out that what Catra was willing to do to Adora, Horde Prime had actually done to Catra in S5. Catra’s power and freedom was taken away by Horde Prime and Horde Prime controlled Catra to attack Adora. The fact that Horde Prime took away Catra’s power and freedom was cruel and despicable. And the fact that Catra was willing to take away Adora’s power and freedom is cruel and despicable. 

Moreover, Adora ended up with Catra, a person who was perfectly okay with taking away Adora’s freedom and power. 

That is absolutely vile.

Finally I just want to add that my pinned post titled “Catra abused Adora.” has hyperlinks to resources relating to abuse:

- The Emotional Abuse section is reviewed by professionals. 

- The Physical Abuse section is provided by an online mental health service in Australia.

And these resources confirm that Catra emotionally and physically abuses Adora. 

In conclusion, you are right to say that Catra abuses Adora. Again, I’m really sorry that someone tried to invalidate your experiences with abuse. And I really hope you know that your feelings about Catradora are completely valid. 

I genuinely hope you’re talking care of yourself. Seriously, please make sure you check in with yourself and prioritize some self-care. 

Thank you very much for sharing. ✨