#i don't think i'm autistic

[talistheintrovert]

never beating the autism allegations 🙏

[ivaalo]

I know someone who is teaching me how life works.

Before yesterday, I had no idea that people except you to maintain a relationship. I thought a relationship was just about the feelings, but apparently it's not. And people are afraid of routines??? I thought it was a goal. Like when you're part of someone's daily life, it means a lot. Like okay, communication is important. But avoiding routine?? It's like counter-intuitive to me.

I thought maintaining a relationship was just a socially accepted protocol for people to follow blindly as if it was the only way to enjoy someone.

That weekend, a friend texted me about how she missed our friendship, now that she's physically away. I was like "??? What do you mean? You can talk to me anytime". I think people don't consider that you can be friends to people no matter the time passing or the distance.

Damn, I'm not very adapted for this world lmao

[teaboot]

if ur a murderbot nerd now do u have any fun opinions abt it yet?

Oh my goddd you have no idea

I really, really, really like Murderbot because it comes at life with this perspective we don't often see that is very real among people who have already been through traumatic experiences, who developed skills and abilities to suvive that were once useful but no longer have context- that search that traumatized people go through to recalibrate and reorient ourselves in a world where we no longer really need those things to survive.

A bit personal here, but my own issues personally involved a lot of psychological abuse that made it difficult to trust my own perceptions of reality, and as a result I found I was very easy to lie to and manipulate.

To handle this, I became obsessive over writing things down, cataloging details and making notes of things as they happened- I'd carry recording devices and make audio recordings and stay up late at night to transcribe what they'd picked up, read those over and over again to reassure myself of things I wasn't certain about.

While doing this, there were others close to me that I felt responsible for, who I had to protect from others and protect myself from at the same time. Life was about two things: Evidence, and defusing threats

Over time, I learned to trust myself as my memories matched what had been recorded where their narrative didn't, but I never really kicked the habit. Like Murderbot, I had added something to my own programming that reassured me I was safe, that I was in control of myself, that I couldn't be mistaken or crazy or broken or used.

I'm only on book two, but already I see myself in Murderbot again. No spoilers here, but when I left home- left that dangerous context- I didn't need to repeat these patterns to survive anymore, but I still did, because I didn't know anything else anymore. It felt safe, comfortable, knowing knowing that the past couldn't repeat itself, because I'd written that flaw- blind trust in myself-  out of my programming and replaced it with something else.

Still, though, I'd become something specially suited to thrive in a very specific environment. Nothing else felt right like followinghigh-risk situations, like witnessing and watching and recording and knowing I had proof of the truth where others might not.

People took notice. I wound up in security by accident, but's an environment that I thrive in due to the same patterns and behaviours I originally developed when I had no other choice. I climbed the ladder pretty quickly, once supervisors caught on that my reports were the most accurate, most objective, most factual, detail-oriented and timely. I keep others and myself safe and prioritize public safety above all else, and I perform well under pressure

Now I'm in a position where I often wonder, do I enjoy this job, or is it just what I'm good at? I have a set of skills now, but do I have the option of choosing not to use them? What would I be, if not this? Could I be anything else? Can Murderbot be anything else?

It has a set of skills that set it apart, make it different, special. It does what it knows best. But is it free? Does it want to be? What does it want? Does it have to do what it was built to do? What if it didn't?

I know what I'm good for. The idea of deliberately leaving what I'm good for for something uncertain, that I might hate, that I might be useless at- the choice to give up what was so important to me for so long and become deliberately obsolete?

Let go of my entire purpose? The only thing I know, that I fit so well into but don't actually know if I enjoy? Now that I can choose? Now that enjoyment is a luxury I can afford to consider?

Yeah, that resonates.

I like the Murderbot series so far because it feels the way I feel: Like the most significant and formative part of my story, the part where I became what I am, has already happened

And now I have to just. Keep going

Into... what?

It feels absurd. Like a microwave giving up on reheating food and deciding to start a life around abstract dance.

So, uh. Yeah. It's really very wild to see this same philosophical-ish dilemma I've been digging over in the back of my mind and in therapy for the last forever laid out so plainly in a genuinely exciting and enjoyable story like this. I feel much less alone, and I... kind of really need to see how it resolves, I think.

So, uh. Yeah. Read Murderbot, I guess

[aw-tysm]

Autism does not need to come with "exceptionalism" to be accepted.

Autism does not need to come with special skills or talents to be accepted.

Playing into the narrative that autistics have something they can offer to the world, to society, in a form of a special skill in order to make autism more palatable, acceptable, helpful, essentially plays into the notion of an autistic "superpower".

We should be accepting of autism even if it doesn't come with "benefits" to society.

[brinnanza]

see the thing about the whole autistics take everything literally is that we don't actually take everything literally obviously many of us love wordplay no the thing that people MEAN when they say we take everything literally is that we believe what you tell us.

it is never the first impulse (for me at least) that something is a joke or a lie unless I already have evidence. take the grade school gullible is written on the ceiling. you look and the other person laughs at how gullible you are. except in my brain, and I suspect many other autistics as well, things are assumed true unless proven otherwise. and probably some of it for me is just like decades of extreme gaslighting until i became unable to trust my own experiences, memories, and sensations but also it's like... most of the time when people speak to you it is with some degree of authority, whether that is professional or an opinion they really have or their interpretation of something. so without any reason to suspect otherwise, I'm going to believe you.

and yes this is dangerous and yes this makes it very easy to be taken advantage of and yes it does sorta come around to becoming suspicious of everything all the time which is exhausting but maybe the klonopin will sort it out but my point is. in terms of autistics taking things literally. we are the ones being normal about human communication jokes are fun but man you gotta telegraph that or you just sound like a moron "haha it's a joke" no baby that's a lie you think is funny a joke requires a set up and an inversion of expectation you received a reaction that was reasonable for the given stimulus that's just cause and effect do you find the lightswitch equally compelling???

[starflungwaddledee]

Who wins starstruck or a aroace guy

both of them, because she's also aroace just like me!

actually while i'm at it, here's the little animation i was working on for pride month but never got around to posting!

in my self indulgent aroace worldbuilding i like to imagine that labels for orientations and genders are just kind of... not that much of a thing on popstar, because it doesn't matter at all to anyone. nobody has ever cared about stuff like who or how you love, and 90% of them are picking their own pronouns anyway.

that said, it's still nice to have a little self representation here on our primitive earth internet, where this kind of thing very much does need to exist and we deserve to be proud of it!

[soaked-ghost]

autistic characters being mostly identifiable by their inability to detect social ques and read sarcasm is very nice and relatable, but seeing how autism differs from person to person, I can tell u that it doesn't represent every autistic person and I think we should vary our representation more with how we portray autism

anyways. I think ink is actually good at reading social ques just that he ignores them because he thinks some social ques are stupid.

sometimes sarcasm does completely flow over his head but the way he responds makes it impossible to know if actually responding back with sarcasm or if he's responding genuinely because he didn't get it

while we're at it, ink being a dick sometimes unintentionally is also nice, like yeah it happens to autistic people to be mean without wanting to, but honestly I think he's more often a dick on purpose

he can travel through dimensions and he has seen the face of god do u think that he won't gain a bit of ego? that he wouldn't have a bit of an attitude? or that he won't intentionally fuck with others for laughs than run away before they catch him?

[uncanny-tranny]

I jokingly thought before that reading Junie B. Jones as a kid turned me into a feminist, but unironically, it kind of did.

I honestly think it comes down to the fact that Junie B. was not only allowed to be "weird," but her character arc never concluded like other girl characters would. In other media featuring "weird girls," the girl always ended her arc tamed - by force or convince, she would be prettied up, she would smile and be polite, and she would never speak out of turn. She would be perfect then, and would shed her veneer of individuality with the freedom that is conformity. As a kid, I noticed that girls weren't permitted to be "weird" like boys were. So when I read Junie B. Jones, I loved that she was frankly just fucking weird. She said things out of turn, she was rambunctious and imaginative and she was a realistic portrayal of a little girl. I loved reading those books because the narrative taught her lessons without punishing her for being weird, if that makes sense. So often, narratives punished weird girls for the crime of being a socially unacceptable girl, not for any true wrongdoing like lying.

Anyway, I just think it's interesting, because I watched and read a ton of books and shows and movies featuring girls and women, but none of them truly empathized with (or even tried to empathize with) weird girls on their own merits and capabilities and terms, or embraced the idea of a "socially inept/unacceptable" girl without punishing her in some way for her supposed ineptitude.

[lakevalorr]

[failyaoi]

Johnshi/Kencageblade/Swordblade kid oc just dropped (read tags for more info)

[mintflavoredfemurs]

guys wyd when you get peer reviewed as autistic by your autistic friends

[addicted-to-the-knife]

I think it's very important that we bring back this inherent understanding that actors are also just some fucking guys (gender neutral)

[sexygaywizard]

Another reason I get so pissy about people being like "well actually wizards are x y and z" on my shit is because you don't see me fucking going on to other people's posts and telling them their shit is wrong or that they need to follow my rules for shit. Because I respect that people can have their own interpretations of shit and express that within their own space. But people give me these dumbass lectures on my posts all the damn time! Make your own fucking post I don't want to see it

[retributory]

gx is so crazy how do you explain to someone with a surface-level understanding of what yugioh is that the series after dm features a hermaphroditic dragon-demon card spirit fusing their soul with the main character, who also has apparently been continually reincarnating for 100s of years with the card spirit's primary goal being to protect him, and when they embrace to fuse he says they shall never part again because they will forever and always from that point on be one jointed soul and body, and also he commits a borderline genocide against the card spirit race (???) and straight up kills some of his friends (they get better), and also there's a character who got his leg broken during an archeological dig and they replaced the broken bone with a dinosaur bone (???) and now he's like part dino and has fucking dino dna (?????????) and they send him to space as his dinosona to destroy a satellite that is about to destroy the earth (????????????), and also one of the teachers in the school (seto kaiba's duel school for dueling) is a homunculus and when he dies his soul (???) gets eaten by his cat and for the rest of the series he is living (?) inside of the cat's body, and also on top of all that theres a cool rival character as expected of a show targeted towards young boys who looks cool but in actuality he's lame as hell like he canonically stinks like shit cause he doesn't wash his clothes and he joins a cult and they get him out of the cult by reminding him that his real personality is being a rancid little stinky smelly bastard loser and no one likes him and he spends the entire series getting completely dunked on and also his main archetype is these things:

and then you have to concede that at the end of the day it is still an anime for a children's card game designed to sell the cards so if you ever try to explain the impact this had on your developing mind at 7 years old you'll sound sick

[canines-crown]

Not my classmate reposting a video joking about "sitting next to the autistic kid and 'vibing with them" while portraying the autistic kid as incredibly idiotic-

And then me realizing that she always joked about how obviously autistic I was before I was diagnosed

[officially-other]

My first attempt at writing that's vaguely like poetry: from a dragon

I am not what you think.

I walk around, awkward limbs and flighty mannerisms, and you think I’m strange. You have no idea how strange you would think I am if you only saw what was underneath.

Underneath, I am a creature of the ocean. Something that could never pass as human, and no longer wants to. Saltwater rushes through my veins in secret, silent to everyone but me. To me, it’s a roaring sound of the waves that I have never seen except for within my soul. It yearns to dissolve into the ocean like it could long ago, but for now those days are over and I am hidden underneath skin and muscle.

Underneath, there are wings; fins; antlers. They ache to tear from my back, through my skull. Nonetheless, they stay hidden for me, safe in the silence. Protected like I protected my kin in a lifetime so close to the surface and yet unreachable. Wrapped in a form that no longer coils around them like a serpent, but keeps them hidden from predators well enough I suppose.

I suppose.

I accept my form reluctantly and do what I can to make it mine. I shape it to feel better when I discover my gender, and when I can’t shape it to fit my true self I cover it in things that feel a little more like home. A little more draconic. A little more like the ocean that I never have seen, but feel homesick for anyway.

I do find joy in being in this body, at least. Out there, there are others. Angels working minimum wage, dragons sitting on a park bench, wolves buying groceries. We hide, but we do so to be free. We walk through crowds, and no one notices our scales and fur and feathers. But we do. We see each other, even if from miles away, and we see what’s underneath.

And underneath, none of us are what you think.

(Tags for side commentary/context)