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zerobaseonefics · 1 year

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what do you even know ? (pt.2) ㅡ kim taerae.

kim taerae x reader.

words : 1,525

genre : fluff

warnings : kissing ??

first part here

"the fuck."

"and now, he's gonna get mad..."

there he goes.

"no because what the fuck. how did you even end up with that solution- hell, that's not a solution, you created a whole new problem! why di..."

and your friend, woongi, keeps going. and to be honest, i don't blame him, and neither do you. because, once again, you put yourself in an embarassing situation and then cried about being embarassed.

you two were sitting in the back of the lecture hall, not really paying attention to your teacher's word. you decided it was time for you to finally spill the tea about what happened at that party...

after the moment of closeness you shared with taerae in that kitchen, he followed his words and took you home. he came in, helped you get rid of your shoes, leaded you to your own room. there, he put you in bed, smiled as he told you to have a good night. and that's it. he left you to sleep, with the headache in the morning as your only friend.

when you woke up, you didn't remember everything. you were wondering how did you got home, trying to remind yourself the night before. and it came back, the fact that you confessed to taerae even though you planned on dying with that secret. you panicked, because yes, he didn't reject you, in fact, it kinda seems like the feeling was mutual. but, you know, you just had so much doubts. if he liked you, why didn't he tell you ?

"well i could ask you the same question ! why did you never tell him yourself ??", replied woongi when you told him that.

"because i'm scared, you know ? we are really good friends, and it's been like that since we were child. i don't know, it never seemed like he liked me back !"

"and now that you know he does, why are you avoiding him..."

yes, because that's exactly how decided to deal with that situation. you decided to avoid him, making sure that love conversation would never happen. what if you were wrong ? you were drunk after all, maybe it never happened that way-

"you don't make up things when you're drunk, y/n !", exclaimed woongi.

"don't talk that loud", you said, reminding him you were in class. "look, I don't wanna ruin our friendship, you know ? it's very precious to me, if we date and then someday he realizes he no longer needs me, that's it. that's just the end. if we stay friend, it's better, because that means i get to be with him forever and-"

"forever until he falls in love with someone else...''

"stop ??"

"damn..."

woongi let his head fall onto the table, maybe harder than what he thought, but he decided to act like he didn't hurt.

"i can't believe you have 0 braincells, 0 rizz, 0 bitches..." said your friend, sighing heavily.

"last time i checked you were still single, woongi." woongi choked on his saliva, waking up, ready to clap back.

"well last time i checked i wasn't running away from the boy i'm in love with for some dumb reasons !"

"but what else do you want me to do", you whined.

"talk to him like ?? what the hell do you wanna do ? i don't like that whole miscommunication trope bro."

trust me, woongi, i don't like that miscommunication trope too. and deep down, you knew woongi was right. but you also knew you were too scared to do anything about it.

"keep going like that. you won't have him as a lover, but you'll lost him as a friend too."

maybe that was enough to give a call to reality. you couldn't just avoid him forever if you wanted to stay friend... you had the idea of talking to him like it never happened, like you didn't remember because of the alcohol. to be honest, that was selfish of you and you kinda felt bad for the fact you didn't have the guts to talk to him about it.

what you didn't know for sure is that tarae wasn't that far from you in the lecture hall. he didn't mean to eavesdropping, really, but you guys were just so loud he couldn't help it. now, he knew what was wrong, and decided it was time it took the matter into his hands.

your day in school was finally done. you went home, woongi's words still in mind, thinking about the whole situation. but you didn't have to overthink some more, because when you got home, an hour later, someone knocked at your door.

you weren't waiting for anybody, so that kinda surprised you. but you got up anyway to open the door, coming face to face with taerae.

"hey", he simply said. "hey", you replied.

"can i come in please ? we need to talk."

even if the way he said it was meant to be reassuring, you couldn't help but to feel a bit anxious. without a word, you moved to let him get in.

"wait for me in the living room, okay ? i'll grab you a drink in the kitchen." that was just an excuse to be alone for a second, to make up your mind about what you were going to do. but you didn't except him to follow you in the kitchen.

it was just you and him. in a kitchen. again. but this time, you didn't feel at ease. not in a way where you were afraid of what he would do to you, no. you trusted him, and he would never hurt you. you just know that you had no way to escape that conversation.

"look, y/n, i swear i don't want you to feel forced to talk about it. but i need to be straightforward, so you know what i'm thinking about it."

"about what ?"

"do you remember what happened at that party ?"

you didn't respond, contemplating wether you should lie or not.

"y/n, please tell me you remember."

"i-i don't. i don't remember. i mean, i'm not sure what you referring to..."

"okay. forget about it then."

oh. that's not what you were excepting. you wanted him to let that go, but it still hurted. maybe he just said he liked you because you were drunk and he didn't know what else to do.

"i'm not really into drunk confessions, anyway. i rather tell you what i feel about you properly."

"what ?"

well, you weren't excepting that either. you felt your cheeks and ears getting warm.

"you don't have to reciprocate my feelings, or to answer me now. i just feel like i should tell you because i don't want you to feel insecure about it. you've been avoiding me since then, so i assume you remember what happened? and for some reasons it makes you scared... but please, whatever it is that makes you feel like this, keep in mind i meant every word i said that night. i meant it when i said i love you, because i really do, and i'll show it to you whatever the relationship you want us to have. i kept what i feel for you to myself for years anyway, i can keep going. but, you know, this time, i feel like i might have a chance and i don't want to miss it. if you need time to think about it, that's fine by me. and if you don't... i don't know, maybe you didn't mean it that way when you told me you love me."

he didn't spare you a single look while that monologue, not daring to, afraid of your reactions. but then, you answered.

"you think i meant it in a friendly way ?"

"i don't know, that could explain why you didn't want to talk to me afterwards."

"what do you even know ?"

he understood now. that was your way of telling him you remember what you said that night. he saw that as a green light, maybe you were asking him to give you a push so you could confess properly this time. he reminded him of the way you looked at his lips that night, and to test the waters, he came closer to you. he wouldn't do it if he was sure that's what you wanted. when he saw your eyes automatically went to his lips when he came closer, he took that as a sign, hoping he was not wrong. without a word, he soflty placed his hand on your neck, and finally placed his lips on yours. the kiss was tentative at first, gentle, but the intensity increased when you responded to it, conveying your unspoken feelings to taerae. your hands went to his face, cupping it.

the two of you were lost in each other's touch, basking into the other warmth. but you had to pull away.

just like that night, taerae rested his forehead on yours.

"please tell me you love me back", he said in a whisper. you simply smiled when answering. "i loved you since forever."

and woongi won't be able to call you bitchless anymore.

#boys planet #boys planet fics #boys planet imagines #boys planet reactions #kim taerae #kim taerae fics #b0ysplanetfics #kim taerae scenarios #kim taerae reactions #kpop

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emwritesstuff · 4 months

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DYNAMO | Steve Rogers x Reader | part 5.

HYDRA has made their share of human experiments. You're just one of them. One of the least successful ones. One of the least functional ones. At least your life in the facility gave you a few things: unwavering resilience, cool(ish) superpowers and a great sense of humor. Steve Rogers would strongly disagree with that last one. A single chance encounter with him reluctantly brings you into the Avengers Compound, and you're determined to make his life as miserable as you can. Feeling's mutual.

AO3 | Masterlist | Playlist (coming soon!)

notes: The one where you make a bunch of probably very dumb decisions! This one has 18+ bits, marked by red dividers. MDNI. (warnings: mentions of human experimentation, health related stuff, brainwashing, cursing, smut(!!) ) (5.4K words)

5: OF MOMENTUM

Cap is waiting the second you leave the visiting room. He looks angrier than ever. It’s not like you didn’t see this coming – in fact, you’re actually shocked Fury managed to keep him at bay long enough for you to have a full conversation with Dr. Steiner.

“Before you begin your speech—”

“There is no speech. Start explaining why you went to talk to him. Alone.”

“Because, first of all, I don’t need babysitting, and second—” You round him up, now closer to the door than he is. You’re surprised he’s not actually blocking your path. “he wasn’t going to talk with anyone else! Not even Nat could make him open his mouth.”

And when Natasha fails at interrogation, well. Game’s usually lost.

He follows you along the maze of corridors as you try and find the way out.

“You do realize how this looks, don’t you? Going behind our backs and doing whatever you want is not—” As he says it you turn, getting right into his face and jamming a finger into his chest.

“Don’t you dare imply I’m teaming up with that HYDRA scum.” You hiss. “I don’t do that anymore, I told you. You’re just so used to everyone who doesn’t follow your book being labeled the bad guy that—”

“I didn’t say that. Bu you are putting everyone here in danger by—”

“I’m not! And I’m not on this goddamn madman’s side. I fled from the Brutkasten under a rain of bullets and a snowstorm! I chose to be here. Even though I know I’m ending up at the Raft at some point or another.”

There’s an ache in your chest, like a fishing hook pulling your organs down to the pit of your stomach. Steve Rogers would never trust you. You’d always be just another piece of shit he wants to wipe out from the world.

“You’re not—” Before he can make an empty promise, you walk out the main door and into the open air.

“Rogers, listen to me: I’m making the conscious choice to believe I have friends now – not you – even though I know this is all business. I know what I was part of. I know it now, but I didn’t then. They raised me to think that place was salvation.” You let out a shaky breath, crossing the cement pavement towards the helicopter Fury had arranged to bring you here. Cap’s motorcycle parked right next to it.

He’s still following you, looking at you with a heavy frown as you hop inside the transport. “I will not spend the rest of my life atoning for sins I didn’t know I was committing. But if you feel like hating me for it, go ahead. I can’t stop you. You’re Captain-Motherfucking-America, after all.”

You want to laugh at his lack of words. All you needed to get him to stop with his constant nagging was reverse verborrhage and a little oversharing. Who knew.

“But maybe not right now. You’re gonna want to meet me at the conference room when you get back. I got some potentially interesting intel.” You say, finally revealing the SD card between your fingers. “See ya, Cap.”

You slam the helicopter door right into Rogers’ face, slapping the pilot’s seat twice to signal you’re ready for take-off.

You could’ve kept this all under wraps. Could’ve said the conversation with Dr. Steiner was no dice, and opened the contents of the drive alone in your room.

Maybe you should’ve. And yet, something had truly shifted in you. This information had little to no use in your hands, and you’d have to share them with Dr. Banner anyway if you wanted anything to change in regards to your health and your powers.

Which brings you to the conference room, the entire Avengers chorus line sitting around you, waiting expectantly. You’ve already got an empty computer a malware couldn’t get anything from. Plugged the drive in. Entered the password, the obvious one.

7463000195. The same one you have under your sleeve. Easy.

He wants you to see what’s inside.

“Well, what are we waiting for? Fire it up, Sparky.” Tony earns himself a glare, and you’re about to speak when your answer walks in the door. The blonde hair slightly messy from the helmet, but you don’t spare a second glance for further detail.

“Couldn’t have given me a ride on that helicopter?”

“And you’d just leave your bike there?” Rogers shakes his head in defeat, and to celebrate, you do the honors and hit play on the video.

The only content inside the card Steiner had oh so benevolently given you.

It starts with a black screen, a location and a date.

Brutkasten. 24 März 2010.

You’re sitting on a chair inside your bedroom back at the Incubator. Baron Von Strucker is in front of you, watching as doctors and other staff fuss around. You’ve got the classic black HYDRA gear on.

There’s a bed, a small desk and bookcase. Lots of books. An old tube TV. No windows.

The date clicks. “It’s my first solo mission. I was 15 there.”

Fury nods. Steve frowns at you, and Natasha has an empathetic look on her face. You don’t dare notice anyone else.

Namen?

Asset. 7463.

Gut. Mission?

Ziehen.

“Extraction mission. In and out, invade a lab containing a serum for cell regeneration. I never seen it work on anyone when they tested it.” No one’s breathing. All you can see is yours and Strucker’s shapes on the screen now.

Wiederholen: and blood-black nothingness began to spin, a system of cells interlinked within one stem.

15-year-old you repeats dutifully after him. “What’s he doing now?” Sam asks.

You don’t answer. Hands grip your seat tightly. Shocked by the Doctor’s move.

Vernetzt. Vernetzt. Change of momentum with change of time. Noether-Theorem. Hail HYDRA.

Bereit?

You stand in the video, your hands lighting up blue, then your arms and the rest of your body. More power than you can summon now, seemingly without the pain that comes with it. Strucker claps once in satisfaction, and the video ends.

Heads turn in your direction. “That was my programming…Something like Bucky’s—”

You can see the people around shift into a defensive stance, like they’re getting ready for you to explode. You groan. “Not like that. They didn’t need to control me like that.”

It’s true. You did it all willingly. You didn’t know you had other options.

Natasha relaxes, and you could cry of gratitude “What’s it for then? Do you not remember?”

You wish you didn’t remember – but you do. You remember everything, every second, because that’s who you are. You’re sharp; your memory is sharp, your tongue is sharp, the edges of you are all sharp, and they leave you to bleed out whenever you see the numbers branded on your skin.

Covering them feels dishonest. It feels like a lie, so you wear your numbers like you wear everything else: right at the brim of your sleeve and open-faced, bared to the world, and people have to deal with it just as they have to deal with you.

“I do— it’s just… they don’t exactly tell the Assets all the reasons for their methods, you know?”

Fury takes a seat, turning the computer towards himself and playing the video again. “Maybe you could make use of it and find out.”

“No, she’s not doing that.” You sigh, surprisingly thankful fro Rogers, even though his reasons were obviously more about distrust than concern.

“In a controlled environment, of course.”

“Nick.”

You raise a hand when he tries to get Fury to shut the laptop down, getting up and closer to the big screen where the image of you is being mirrored.

It seems so… easy for her. Second-nature, like breathing.

A million questions run through your head, like what went wrong with you after that or why on Earth did Steiner want you to see this. Gave it to you on a silver platter, sure you’d come back to him. How could you harness so much energy at once? And so easily?

Is it the programming?

You access every piece of your memories you can, trying to retrieve an answer. They never told you what the words were for. Always used before missions. A similar ritual after them, during wind down.

During missions you were stellar. Flawless, unlike now. You remember most of it.

The only difference between you two is eight years and the use of the programming. When you fled HYDRA, you decided you were going to keep that part of you locked away forever and never think about it again.

The others behind you are discussing multiple theories when you speak up.

“It’s a fail-safe.” You turn around, hands shaking and bile rising up your throat. “Has to be! They put a fail-safe in me so no one could use my powers but them. The words unlock the rest of my – stuff – and make me function…”

You’re pacing, and Sam gets you to stop by grabbing the back of your t-shirt.

“Perfect, then!” Fury says, tapping his laser pointer on the table. “This solves everything. All of those side effects gone and we get a fully-functioning human taser on our roster.”

“Absolutely not.” Steve is still protesting, but your head is torn between the two choices. You want to stay here and for that you need to be useful. Fully-functioning. You also don’t want to be tied to whatever they put inside you. There’s so much pain interlaced with that.

If you keep using what HYDRA gave you, how are you ever going to be able to say you’re not a part of it anymore?

You don’t want to go back to being an asset. Being dysfunctional gave you character, as ironic as it was, like a chipped vase or a stain over otherwise pristine sheets.

“I’d rather… not do that, yeah.” You swallow, taking a seat again. Picking at your nail beds. Steve nods, and you watch his shoulders sag in slight relief. It’s not as contagious as you wish it would be.

The number of eyes on you makes your skin itch. Fury sends you a message through his one-eyed glaring – S.W.O.R.D will surely have feelings about your refusal to take the quickest route to becoming functional – the price matters too little to them.

Sliding the laptop closer, you remove the SD card after shutting everything down. “I’ll take this to Banner – see if that green brain has any brilliant ideas.” You don’t wait for their permission to leave the room, only halting when Steve calls out your name.

“Training tomorrow. Seven-sharp.” You roll your eyes. Back on schedule. It shouldn’t come as a surprise, seeing that today was a big reminder of how ingrained HYDRA was with your very being. Steve Rogers hates HYDRA. And you, who said with very big words that you weren’t going to be the one to stop him.

You mutually hate Steve Rogers.

Your mood is sourer than the entire sour patch at 7 in the morning. It doesn’t help that Bruce didn’t have any Eureka moments after listening to your theories about your programming. You don’t want to use it and you don’t want to go back to Dr. Steiner, and the feeling of being stuck makes any good spirits you have left in you shrivel and die.

Rogers is sitting at the edge of the fighting rink when you enter the gym, listening to something on his blue iPod. It looks too modern on him, but you have already teased him about carrying a Victrola around last week.

“What’s your soundtrack today? Gregorian chant?” It’s the first genre of music that comes to your head that could be traced back to the middle ages.

“Pink Floyd.” He says, removing the earbuds.

“Wow. Something about Another Brick in The Wall hitting home?”

He scowls and you smirk, but your lips curl back down pretty quickly. “Start warming up, Sparky.”

He hasn’t yet given up on the damn sparring sessions twice a week. You know his game now; he’s trying to get you to submit, so he can mold you into whatever he wants. Into a brick for the Avengers wall.

It’s safe to say you’re more sand and broken glass than you are clay - and today, like most days, you don’t mind the cuts that’ll give to his hands.

You pull a dirty move once you and Rogers have fallen into a rhythm consisting of verbal provocations and physical hits. Asking about his latest TV interview made Cap’s movements stutter. He goes on a lot of them, most go well - his charm and charisma to be credited for that - but some don’t. A lot of people like sharing with Captain America their bullshit opinions on the job only he can do.

You mention the one where he was pressed by the media about Bucky not being locked up and the risks concerning that - if it wasn’t a technical infringement of the Sokovia Accords. When you sense his concentration shift, you kick your heel up to his jaw, a flash of a grin when you hear his teeth clink.

You savor the victory until he catches his breath and gives you a side glance. “If they’re worried about Bucky, imagine what they’ll say when they hear about you.”

You’re hovering over him in an instant, snarling like a feral creature as your fist connects to the same place your heel did then. It’s almost surprising that you land the punch successfully, as if he’d let you. “I’m not a mindless killing machine.”

There’s no meaning behind your words. You never thought of Bucky this way, not after you met him here and he seemed more like a shy forest creature than a highly trained assassin. But in front of Steve Rogers, anything goes.

“I’d still trust the Winter Soldier before I trust you.”

“So being an idiot is also one of your super powers! Was that enhanced with the serum or—” Rogers manages to flip you over on the mat, face down. He presses his full body weight on you, locking one of your arms against your back and the other under you on the mat. His legs tangle with yours, barely allowing you any movement. Your shoulder starts to ache from the position.

“Get off me.” You squirm, huffing the last bit of air that was in your lungs.

“Are you going to calm down?” He gets his answer when you tell him to fuck off, and presses down harder. “I’ve had enough of bad your attitude.”

The way he nearly snarls it against your ear sends a shiver down your spine. The corners of your lips curl up at the aggression, at how he ditches the façade of the perfect, straight-spined soldier only for you. It makes you feel powerful, how you can make the marble crack so you can see the flawed human inside.

“You don’t get to say this crap - that you don’t even mean - just to get a rise out of me. What the hell is wrong with you, huh?” What the hell does he know? You try to kick his legs away, but you’re not even a bit successful. “You’re not like this with anyone else. Why me?”

“‘Cause it’s fun,” You pant, his weight on top of you only getting more overwhelming.

“That’s what you want, isn’t it? To see me lose it,” He drawls, his breath tickling your neck. You squirm again, half because you want to get out of his grasp and half because of something else. “Or maybe you just like it rough…”

The heat of his body makes you feel like you’re being burned alive. You’re completely out of air now, panting helplessly under him. “I can’t…breathe,”

It’s unbearable, even after he lowers the pressure on your shoulders and you can take a deep breath in. He’s still holding you, tight, and you squirm but not to get out of it. The lack of air made your thoughts feel fuzzy.

That’s surely the reason.

Not Steve’s big, warm hand on your hip. His fingers grazing the exposed part of your lower abdomen. “Maybe you want my hand because yours alone isn’t enough.”

“Shut up.”

He chuckles. Cocky, over-confident asshole. You remember you can free the arm that’s under you and try to hit him with it, get back at him for saying that. He takes your meek punch on his bicep, then pins the guilty hand with your other.

Traitorous heat pools between your legs. You hate Steve Rogers. You hate the hand that sneaks under your pants and the way you body arches to make his access easier. You hate how he says, “One word and I’ll stop.”, and you hate how you only bite your lips in response.

Until he slips two fingers into your wetness and a moan escapes. “Damn. I knew you got off on this, dirty girl.”

“Rogers—oh,” He moves skillfully, like he’s not an old man from the 1940’s that clutches his pearls every time someone utters a curse.

But you’re not the only one who’s - although somewhat reluctantly - enjoying yourself. You can feel Steve hardening on your behind and his breath become ragged as he buries his head on the crook of your neck. The realization makes your cheeks heat with both pride and shame. “You’re not much better than me,”

It’s torture how slow he is going. His palm presses against your clit, and you bite back a moan, not ready to give in that easily. Steve is already full of himself as it is. “We’ll see about that.”

You roll your hips in response, earning a groan from him. It makes you chuckle and him curl his fingers inside of you. It’s like a fight, balanced at last.

At least that’s what you tell yourself as he plays you like his favorite instrument. The sounds that he gets from you are wet and unholy. You almost want to turn and admire the focused lines of his brow. Lips pursed in a tight line.

Kissing them would be crossing another.

No, you don’t want to get to that point.

“Look at us. This so… innapropriate. So wrong.” Steve says those words but there is no signs that he intends on stopping the sinful act. Who would’ve thought? You grin, a wild flash of teeth cutting through your flushed face.

“What would everyone think, huh, Cap?”

“No one has to know.”

You can’t help but agree - you don’t even want to think about how mortifying it would be if someone caught you. Not only in the middle of the fighting rink, but at the mercy of Steve Rogers. But it’s off your mind when he speeds up his fingers and pleasure coils on your lower belly.

“Fuck, fuck—” You’re breathless, nails digging on anything you can reach, his large hand and wrist mostly. “Steve.”

“You close, hm?” He whispers condescendingly, and your nearly cry from the humiliation as you nod yes, yes, yes. “Ask for it. Then I might let you finish.”

It’s too much. Your eyes shoot open, and you start struggling again. Now he wants you to beg for it, to fold, to submit, and it’s just too much.

Asshole. Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him.

“No.”

Steve removes his fingers from you, still keeping his hand there as a veiled promise. Or a threat. You have to bite back a whimper at the emptiness.

“Then no deal.” The way his voice is smooth and calm makes you want to growl. “You didn’t think you’ll have it your way, did you?”

His hand releases yours and you finally turn, cunt still pulsating from being so close to your release and having it so cruelly denied. Then, you spot the volume on his sweatpants and tilt your head.

“Doesn’t seem like you have it all under control, Rogers.”

He smirks. His cheeks are flushed, and the sight would be heavenly if it wasn’t so utterly aggravating.

“I was at war for two years. Frozen for seventy.” He stands up, palming himself but acting like nothing out of ordinary is going on. “I know how to wait, sweetheart.”

Your legs feel like jelly, and there’s not much you can do except watch as Steve walks out of the gym. There’s not even enough strength in you to tell him to shove World War II up his ass.

You really, really hate Steve Rogers.

“Hello? Earth to Sparky?”

“Huh?”

“Peter here has been talking to you for like five minutes now, come on. At least answer the kid.”

You blink. This has been happening for a few days now, you being out of it. You wish it could be blamed solely on your last sparring session with Rogers last week - but your powers had been the main source of frustration in your life lately. The little control you have over them comes paired with raging migraines, fatigue, black spots, the whole package. You’ve tagged along on Nat’s mission two days ago, and it almost went badly. You’re basically useless without your abilities working properly; although your stamina and combat skills have improved greatly since moving into the compound, they stilll can’t compare to everyone else’s - and that include the bad guys you’re supposed to be fighting.

So, yes, your head has been heavy with anxiety and your throat tight with some pills you can’t swallow: S.W.O.R.D, HYDRA, and undeniably, Steve Rogers.

“Sorry. What was the question?”

Peter Parker perks up a little. “Oh! No question, Miss Sparkles, I was just saying how cool are the electrical manipulation superpowers, I mean it’s so—”

Sparkles?

“Should see how my brain tries to short-circuit every time I use them. Real cool shit.” You chuckle bitterly, and he blushes and fiddles nervously in his seat. You don’t even need to register Tony pinching the bridge of his nose to feel bad about it. “It’s pretty cool when it works I guess. Fury called me a human taser the other day.”

Tony pauses his tinkering of your suit cuffs and turns around. “Personally I am a fan of Sparky.”

“No way, you need a better name than that!” The mood shifts instantly, like a ray of sun peeking through storm clouds.

“Hey! I’m great with names. And Sparky already stuck so—”

“What do you suggest, Peter?” A second passes while he’s thinking. Then another. “Well?”

“…I’ll think of something.” Peter decides that his time is better spent going back to observing Stark work on your suit, giving some ideas on how to make it better and more functional. Tony completely vetoes giving you access to FRIDAY like they both have, claiming he doesn’t trust you not to change his alarm music to Careless Whisper. It makes you laugh, because that’s actually a great idea.

When they both become focused on their genius thing, you resort to resting your head on your arm and making one of Peter’s dead spider drones move using little sparks from your fingers. You’re almost getting it to turn on when the headache starts.

“Dammit.” You can almost hear Dr. Steiner’s laugh all the way from his cell. It doesn’t help that you accidentally overheard a conversation between Bruce and Tony after they both started researching how to fix you, or at least keep you in one piece. Something about an aneurysm. As if you needed extra confirmation that your brain is trying to explode. They were startled when you walked in, but at least now the whole keep-Sparky-in-the-dark thing is over. It’s why you’re in Tony’s lab, today, why he’s working on giving your suit more precise vital scans, energy measuring and emergency protocols.

A fail-safe of sorts.

You don’t notice as he comes closer and puts a reassuring hand on your shoulder. “We’ll figure it out, Sparks.”

You nod.

Although you can’t help but think that their effort is pointless - and the solution is right in front of you, held by Steiner’s grubby hands and words that resound in Baron Von Strucker’s voice.

It takes you another week and another mission that could’ve gone better for you to make your decision. Although, surprisingly, it’s not one of your bad days that settles it for you - it’s one of Bucky Barnes’.

You’re sulking after the debrief of said subpar mission. For the others, a small success. The hostages were now all being brought into safety and the terrorists neutralized. For you, a power outage that cost precious intel and 20 minutes of Fury’s classic glare on your forehead. It’s not all him, you know that much - he’s got S.W.O.R.D on his tail and your time to prove yourself to them and the United States Goverment seems to be running out.

After the fiasco, you want nothing more than peace and quiet. So when Bucky starts roaring and the sound of furniture being thrown around bursts your little bubble, you let yourself be annoyed for a minute. Then you take the elevator upstairs. Rogers is there, of course - they share the floor, and he’s already got Bucky in a headlock although a bruise seems to be forming on his cheek. You can’t bring yourself to rejoice and you don’t know what to do with yourself, proceeding to hide in a corner after Steve gives you a look and Bruce runs in with a sedative.

You feel bad for Barnes. There weren’t any casualties, except for his own dignity, the aforementioned furniture and a record player - and because you’re not any good with comfort words, you resort to coercing Sam on running to Best Buy for a record player replacement.

There’s no doubt in your mind that if Bucky had a way to switch off the malware HYDRA installed in his mind, he’d be making use of it. You figure you shouldn’t be wasting yours.

When the time for your next mission comes, you already have a game plan ready. Your words have been passed onto a little notepad, but you have the audio of Strucker’s voice at the ready. You took note of whatever you remembered from the old wind down process too, because you’ll need to come off of whatever state you’ll be at by the end.

It’s easy enough. You get into your gear, drag a chair to the center of your bedroom. Your hands are shaking furiously as you put on your earbuds and hit play on the audio. Your heartbeat roars inside your chest as you repeat the words. Until it slows down, all at once, like flicking a switch. You examine your steady hands, the anxiety from a minute ago vanished. In fact, you can’t bring yourself to feel anything, although bewilderment would be precisely what you’d be feeling when you make your hands and arms light up blue, energy flowing through you like a river.

This is good. This is great!

You don’t know why you haven’t done this before. Actually, you know why - you’ve been scared. Scared about what it would do to you, to the last bits of your soul that you’ve been holding on to so tightly ever since you learned what HYDRA wanted to do with the world. Too scared to even imagine the satisfaction on Dr. Steiner’s face. Like he won.

But he didn’t, and you’re not scared.

You’re not happy, either. You’re not… anything.

Not even Steve brings up the feelings he usually does (and that other, new thing). He has one of his eyebrows raised as you walk in and strap yourself down in a single firm motion.

“Good mornin’ to you too, Sparky.”

You know you should be annoyed right now, huffing and puffing. Your eyebrows don’t even pinch at the nickname. “Good morning, Captain.”

Your voice comes out a little too smooth and a little too robotic, but you hope Steve isn’t paying too much attention - even if he is, soon enough Nat and Sam are walking into the Quinjet and his focus on you is diluted.

You don’t feel the need to clap back at his orders and instructions as the jet lands near another HYDRA base. This one isn’t empty, at least of dozen former members have made it into a makeshift HQ. It’s more of a hunting shack than a fortress, and you’re the first to walk down the ramp, fingers already crackling.

Not even the successful mission brings you joy, with secured intel and that same dozen on their way to prison. You took five of them down yourself, only making the lights flicking a little in the process. You don’t feel pride as Fury debriefs your team, a pleased gleam in his eye.

You don’t feel anything at all.

It catches up with you as soon as you sink into an ice bath and repeats your words in reverse order. Now you remember why this process was such a struggle.

You feel like throwing up, like crying, like hitting Steve Rogers square in the jaw; you feel euphoric and proud and terrified. A migraine as a cherry on top. It’s too much.

You try your best to keep quiet.

“Is everything alright, Miss Sparky? Should I call Dr. Banner?”

You’re startled by the disembodied voice. “Fuck, no, FRIDAY. Everything’s… fine, just… go away.”

“I’ve identified sounds of distress. I need a confirmation you are well, please.”

The chattering of your teeth fills the bathroom.

“I’m peachy. Go to your… computer bedroom or whatever. Jesus.”

“Don’t hesitate to call me if you need assistance.”

Blood is roaring in your ears as your heart beats wildly and you breathe in sharp puffs of air. You basically crawl back to your bed, a naked wet mess.

Your bed.

You have a bed for another day. Another week, even.

“Miss Sparky, Tony? Seriously…”

It makes you laugh a little. Then, you cry until you fall asleep.

Two days. Two days of peace. Of wondering if your programming had reset your brain somehow, and you finally evicted Steve Rogers and his hands out of your mind.

Foolish of you think that the repressed feelings all have come and gone that night after the mission.

It hits you like a train, and has you squeezing your thighs together for friction. You try your best to focus on Weekend at Bernie’s for a good 15 minutes, to no avail. It’s like the universe is taking a piss out of you, because everyone else has left the compound for the evening, for a reason or another. Even Bucky. But you know he is home. You’ve seen the bike on the garage, the memory of him on top of it not helping your case. It’s not just because of that fatidical morning that you’re like this - it’s because of the other times, too.

Maybe you want my hand because yours alone isn’t enough.

You let out an irritated groan, kicking the blanket off your legs like a bratty child.

You already know working solo won’t work. You’ve tried. What you need is to get it done, get it - him - out of your system, so you can move on.

Goddamn you, Rogers.

“FRIDAY?” You close your eyes, shaking your head when the AI responds. “Give me Roger’s location. Now.”

“Captain Rogers is currently down at the compound gym. Boxing area.”

Of course he is.

You don’t bother dressing up - the bath robe you’re in will have to do. You don’t even put on shoes, but it doesn’t matter because the way down to the gym is mostly carpet and ceramic.

Do you know what you’re going to do when you get there and face him? No. But you’re fixing this problem here and now. You’re either kicking his ass or… good lord. No matter. You’ve held on long enough, and your torment ends today.

He looks away from the punching bag when you slide the door open, raising his eyebrows as you march up to him.

“Can I help you?”

Yes. You can help by undoing whatever you did to me with those hands, dammit.

He’s panting from his workout, shirt clinging to his body. His eyes roam yours, a bit too exposed now from the knot of your robe loosening up.

“We have… unfinished business.”

Steve smirks. He steps towards you, and he’s so… tall. Overpowering, like looking up at a marble statue in a museum. It takes everything on you not to run away.

No. This ends today. You’re having it your way.

“And what am I supposed to do about that, darlin’?”

Jesus H. Christ.

Get it together.

You’re not sure if you want to punch him in that stupid pretty face or—

“Start by shutting the fuck up, Rogers.”

Or grab him by the collar and slam your lips onto his.

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x y/n #steve rogers fanfic #mcu fanfiction #mcu x reader #avengers x reader #emwrites

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sister-lucifer · 2 months

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i hate my alters, I keep pleading with them just to go away.

oh my sweet darling.

come here to me, please, let me talk to you.

i have never been in your position, but i do know how it feels to want desperately to be rid of something you cannot change. and it hurts, does it not? i know. it makes you feel helpless, alone, scared, because you can’t fix it, not immediately anyways.

it’s alright to feel that way. whatever you’re feeling; the frustration, the anger, the sadness, the fear; please, don’t feel bad for feeling it just because others have had a different experience.

the unfortunate thing is that there is no immediate solution. i know that hurts. i’m sorry it has to. but there are ways to cope. whether you decide you want your future to be final fusion or functional plurality (is that the word?), one day you will find a way to do what seems impossible now, even if you don’t think so at the moment.

the hard part?

you’ve got to do the scary thing. you’ve got to acknowledge and communicate with them, and i know that is so scary, but you are capable of being so brave my sweetheart. i know you are. and i love you. i don’t know you, but i love you, because i love all that i can. i am of the belief that, on some level, all live has value, and all sentience is worth something simply on the merit of existing. that includes you, whoever you may be.

at the end of the day, the formation of alters is a survival technique. that tells me you’ve been through something hard, or maybe you still are, and you’ve still stuck around this long. do you have any idea how impressive that is? that you can speak to me about this? it’s impressive to me, anyways. i cant say the same for many.

whats even more unfortunate is that i cannot put myself in your shoes. i haven’t experienced this. but you know who might have?

my system followers, friends, and mutuals, if you see this, do me a favor and leave a note for our friend, yes? perhaps you can help more than i.

that being said, my dear anon, i’m not closing myself off to you. i’m here to speak if you wish, i’m only directing you to people who have more knowledge on this subject.

i love you, friend. and you don’t have to say it back, i’m only letting you know.

#i’ve got mail!#persona: 🌹

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myork · 2 years

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9 Years Of BTS . (130613)

One word you associate with BTS or how they make you feel

As answered by my mutuals and followers ♡

Thank you so much to everybody who answered and shared your reasons with me <3 here are a few other explanations <3

"I'm a Christian and I was pretty scared of joining this fandom because I though I was going to be judged. But I wasn't–like, at all. This family is filled with the people I trust the most, because BTS and ARMY always got my back–And I'll always have theirs."

"if it was two words i would say big brothers because that's exactly what they are to me. a bit like the kuyas (a word in plural form in my native language used to refer to an older man with respect or for an older man in general like older brothers) i've never had. that's probably why i picked "family." i think it hits me hard because i don't have any siblings. also my mom is willing to adopt them and become their mom lol."

"they made me learn to love myself, and love life... <3"

"ive never seen such a tight-knit group honestly it’s like they’re all siblings. also each one of them are talented in their own way."

"I just feel like theyre rlly good role models for healthy communication and. idk they make me feel loveable/not alone with my mental health struggles."

"My sense of purpose. Life for me was eat, sleep, work until they inspire me to want to do and be more."

"Their music makes me so happy and almost always puts a smile on my face. Songs like Mikrokosmos and Anpanman and Butter especially just always make me grin. And then of course they release so much content that makes me smile. And interacting with other Army makes me smile too, its always nice to connect with someone over a shared love for BTS. Have you ever been so overcome/overwhelmed with happiness that you started laughing?? BTS makes me do that on a regular basis."

"for me bts is the representation of brotherhood/family. They have been together for more than 10 years, they have known each other so well, in other words, they are like brothers who support and love each other no matter what and i think that's sweet because in our society people tend to judge this kind of friendships by calling them "gay". However, you know what's the best thing? That they don't care about what people say about them, they still behave the same way with each other and that's what makes me love them even more."

"Basically like home. I know they're extremely chaotic but there's this sense of peace in my heart that I found them."

"Always make me swoon."

"There really is no better word for me to explain how those seven young men from South Korea make me feel. I don't feel any other band I followed/stan in the past years ever felt as comforting (and familiar, in a way) as BTS does. Whenever I feel like I'm about to fall into a bad mental state, or I'm bored/sad or I just want to distract myself from this real world, I listen to their music or watch a run bts episode or even a compilation of their best/funniest/most comforting moments and feel better. No matter what, they always manage to make me smile and bring me the same comfort I would feel as my closest friend hugged me for hours."

"they were there for me through some really hard times, i don't know what i would've done without them."

"i’m a baby army (got interested in them after grammys 2022) and i haven’t been this happy in a while, watching random yt videos of them, listening to their songs and their meaning. for me it’s like a ray of sunshine everytime. i don’t have army friends yet so i can’t have pretty much no one to talk abt this so i just make my friends/bf listen to my daily rants about them haha"

"because they make me happy."

"BTS encourages me to love myself. BTS loves me and other ARMY even without meeting most of us. They love us so much that they tell us to stop listening to their music, watching their videos, etc. and go do important things like homework, work, or spending time with family and friends. BTS loves us so much that they want to give all ARMYs a free concert. BTS loves us so much that they post little updates of their lives when they know we're missing them. BTS loves us so much that they use us to love themselves. BTS loves us so much that they call us their best friends, their butterflies, and their stars. BTS loves us so much that they've created a community of people who respect each other like brothers and sisters even if they don't know each other personally (ARMY). BTS' love has created social movements for change and has donated so much money for the greater good. This love is truly pure and genuine, and I have never felt such a love from someone so far away, never mind from an artist to a fan. It doesn't matter that we're hemispheres apart, because I feel like they are with me and I am with them. This love is why BTS makes me feel loved."

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ourladyofomega · 1 month

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A quick signal here:

I never considered last Summer to be an all-or-nothing moment in time, but I’ll say that without a doubt, it was a pivotal one for me. It was when I started my in-home remote position. I left physical retail once and for all, and swore to myself I’d never go back. I walked away from all the customer drama, entitled attitudes, competitive interactions, and forced conversations. Cutting all of that in my life has been one of the greatest decisions I ever made, though it seems like I traded in one poison over another.

Since then, anxiety and depression hit the auto-search button for intrusive thoughts to return with a vengeance. I’ve had no answer to all the bad corrupt shit that’s happened to me, and I see no improvement around me.

One big contributor was my friend thinking it was a great idea to send me a photo (without asking) of our former alternative circle, given to him by one of those “friends” who sabotaged me and did some serious damage. I was excluded from that photo, and instantly deleted it. Too late, the trigger’s been pulled. Seeing the very people who left me behind and systematically made me a less-than while they unconditionally fully supported each other still disgusts me to this day.

Everything happens and last forever when you have anxiety. It’s always a negative no matter how small or gigantic. You’ll never forget it once it does. It’s burning-branded with almost no way of getting over the mark made. Procrastination is also another agent of invisible black anti-magic that’s holding me back. It’s made me put off of some essential things I’ve been meaning to do for a long time counting.

Contributing to my depression was the the lack of Winter snowfall, replaced with grayscale skies and rain on my days / time off. I over-sleep (10 hours) and wake up spiraled out of my mind to do anything during my off-day. I have no desire to go see shows, music-shopping, or ride out to New York City at the moment. Nothing else entices me to do so. I’m even dreading my time-off in early May because I have no reason to make plans.

I’ve been partially distant from most of my friends and mutuals to where I haven’t follow up or replied consistently. Even going as far as feeling somewhat disassociated. It’s not on them, any mutual closely following me or reading this, or anyone I messaged recently. It’s all on me. And I feel bad - not only because I’m not as responsive as I used to be, but just in general. For the former, my apologies.

**********

On another note: I know @rivetgoth, @lysistra, and @iamdangerace have tagged me to list my favorites. I’ve been meaning to do them and haven’t forgot; no worries! Though, time’s been crunchy when I’m constantly sound-editing three-hour broadcasts. Slowly but surely, I’ll get to them, and more.

#omega #our lady omega #personal #anxiety #depression #motivation #NYC #New York City #BK #Brooklyn #Long Island

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disciple-of-frost · 2 months

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List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers (ू•‧̫•ू⑅)♡

Woo hoo, okay, positivity let's go!

1.) My partner, unironically, he is my best friend. We have been together for 10 years and he is what I hope anyone who longs for a partner finds someday. We can be goofy together, we lift each other up when we need those positive affirmations, we are there for each other when we have our bad brain days. I love more than I can ever say and I am going to spend the rest of my life with him. Fuck, this blog wouldn't even be here if he didn't encourage me to talk about Ishi and let other's see my love for her.

2.) Cooking. Tying back into my love for my partner but I love to cook, WE love to cook together. We find dishes that look tasty and we send them back and forth to each other like, "Hey babe I want to make this." "Okay, what do we need." We've made Hawawshi, 10/10 would recommend, but you should only make enough that you can each realistically cuz the pita NEEDS to be crispy. We've made Shepard's Pie-tatos, basically taking Shepard's Pie filling and putting it into a baked potato and twice baking it. We're currently making Jambalaya for dinner tonight. We're southern and it's one of our love languages.

3.) Movies, I am a huge cinephile. I love delving into themes and motifs and what story a person is trying to tell and so I can also be a bit of a critic, but I always try to keep critiques fair and constructive. Horror movies tend to be my biggest hyper fixation, because while they can be cheap and corny, a really good horror movie has a lot of potential to say something; be it about personal fears or societal fears. There is so much room for creativity when it comes to horror and I cannot tell you how many hours long retrospectives I have in my YouTube history.

4.) Animals, I have always loved animals so much so I wanted to be a veterinarian or a marine biologist when I was a kid. I've always had strong connections to any pets I've owned and some of the loneliest times in my life were when I didn't have an animal by my side that I could go to for comfort. Hell even when I go over to my friends places their pets always greet me and are super affectionate with me. I also can't tell you how often I cry because my partner/friends send me cute animal Tiktoks.

5.) This one is gonna be really short but, that feeling of being under a lot of warm blankets when the air in your room is just cold enough and there is a thunderstorm rumbling outside. It makes me feel secure and relaxed. ⛈️

Thank you @shivasdarknight!

#about me #Not FF #perosnal #intrests

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enruiinas · 2 months

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PSA: What I've Learned About Roleplaying (& what I look for in a RP partner/interactions)

Between an overdue blog cleanup, talking with @climatact, and coming up on a year of roleplaying in general today, I've been thinking on some stuff I've learned or wish I'd done differently from the beginning, so this is kind of a general PSA on some things I've learned that do and don't work for me in RP this year.

♥ In hindsight, I probably DO NOT already ship it. (Y'all know the psa that goes around. I used to like rb'ing this one too but boy, have I learned about some ships I really wish I had not learned about.) I like shipping, but have definitely discovered I can't and don't want to ship just for the sake of it. I'm going to blame this on my aroace-ness, but I really can't even bring myself to take on/entertain a ship now unless it's with a mun I have a decent ooc connection with (meaning we talk a fair bit). This has become every bit as important as muse chemistry.

♥ Along the same lines, I know this is not everyone's vibe (and that is NOT a bad thing), but for me, wanting to write with someone and wanting to be their friend go pretty much hand-in-hand. If I've followed you, it's because I want to write with you and chat OOC, whether that's just about our muses/threads or we hit it off and find ourselves talking about anything/everything. I know this isn't what everyone's here for, but I've realized it's a big part of the experience for me.

♥ Communication is really key for me. (And I will go ahead and disclaimer this with: this is something I have definitely had to learn/get better at myself throughout the year. I'm still not the absolute best, but I'm trying, and when I do talk about things when I'm in my bad headspace, it always helps me so I'm trying to be better about it.)

It's my BIGGEST FEAR in the rpc that I might be someone's "that person" - like... you're not feeling our stuff and angsting about it/it's preventing you from having your best rp experience here. Please please please do not ever let me be this person to you. I would so much rather you just tell me "this isn't working for me" or that you'd like to drop something than worry about it. (Or, hell, do not feel guilty about breaking mutuals if you're leaning that way. This is your RP experience and you should do what you feel is best for you and even if my feelings get hurt, I promise I'm gonna be okay. <3 Just... don't ever feel guilty about anything regarding me, that's the idea.)

♥ That said, though, I have a couple of notes on dropped interactions. I am 110% serious when I tell you I don't mind dropped threads. If our first few things don't take off, that's no reason we can't keep trying.

I don't mind dropped threads, but I do put a lot of effort into my replies and I AM attached to/invested in my ongoing interactions. As a result, I do find it difficult to jump into ic interactions with muns who frequently clear things (ongoing things, not unanswered inbox; those I don't even think about) like they just didn't matter. I don't mind if things take a while to reply to! We can have threads going on we only reply to once or twice a year - that seriously doesn't bother me. (And it's why I love having multiple ongoing things.) But I'm also OPEN TO TALKING ABOUT THINGS if an interaction isn't a vibe for you. I'm happy to restart, backtrack to an earlier point in the thread and change things up, all of that. If you loved it and now you don't and you want to talk about why, there's no reason to be shy about that! Either we end up talking through it or we don't and decide to drop it, it's not a big deal. I'd just like to give things their best change before just deciding "I'm not feeling it" if at all possible.

#some stuff on my mind & things i wanna be more straightforward about going forward.#this is nothing new to most of y'all who've been around a bit (and after the cleanup today i can confirm that's most of you)#✦ — 𝐨𝐨𝐜. | psa.#✦ — 𝐨𝐨𝐜. | PSAs on interacting.

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hathorneheiress · 6 months

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Appreciation post

I saw @reminiscentreader do this and I was reminded about how I had wanted to do one as well. Thank you for that!

I am so so thankful for all my followers, mutuals, and friends on here. I can't tell you how much that means to me that you would even consider following me.

But I wish to give a special shout out to some amazing people on here.

@riddles-n-games (Fanfic bestie.) I would literally need a whole post to say everything I want to say about you. I know I have told you this, but when I first joined Tumblr, you were the first person I followed because I loved how amazing you and your blog was. You are my closest friend and ally on here. I feel like I can tell you anything and you always seem to be there when I need you the most. Thank you for being my person to vent to. Form theories with. Talk about our favorite books, and so so much more!!!!

@reminiscentreader My dear Miss Jasmine. You are my 2nd closest friend on here and I am so honored that I get to be friends with someone as wonderful as you. You light up my day every time we talk. I feel like I have known you all my life instead of just a few months. You are so kind, and I feel like I could ask you anything and you would answer it with a gracious heart. I love that I have a friend who lives in England I can talk to, and you are the best person I have ever meet from there. (And I mean it!) I love that we share the same bond of our love for Grayson. Thank you so much for being the best pen pal ever!

@blocked-zombieartist I haven't known you for as long, but that doesn't mean you are any less. You have a writing gift that most people would envy and I love anything you put out. It's so good! I also appreciate all the talks we have. Whether it's discussing our lovely wisdom teeth, or chatting about Thanksgiving and Christmas menus to spamming each other with asks. I love and cherish those moments so much! Your consideration for other people is something I greatly admire about you. You are a wonderful person and I am so glad to call you my friend.

@myster3y my dear mutual, who lives in the same time zone as me. We have made an unexpected friendship but I wouldn't say that is a bad thing at all!!! I love our daily check ins. I think it's so neat we both love dressing up. You have given me some of the nicest compliments I have ever received and I will always remember that. You are such a nice person. I love that you know your goals and stick to them. Not a lot of people do that. And I applaud you for that. Thank you for being an awesome friend.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE ON HERE!!!!

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aris-ink · 11 months

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Ari. Honey. Darling. Love.

I am not joking when I say I will rip into any bitch who is mean to you. Your work is fantastic. You are fantastic. Respectfully and disrespectfully people on the internet are too sensitive and need to learn to takes things with a groan of salt.

You are more than allowed to write darker fics. It’s a writing form for a reason. If people out there can’t look at your work and see it as a fictional creation meant to explore a means of creativity then fuck them. They don’t even have to read it. They can just skip over it or block the tags or you even.

Like. I don’t know how other people read fics or watch movies or the shows but the point of them is to pretend for a little while. To have fun with it. People happily watch horror movies and watch murder documentaries or screwed up stuff like that when some of the events are based on real life going ons. But they can’t handle a little (incredibly well written and thought out) story that they DONT EVEN HAVE TO READ IF THEY DONT WANT!!???

I’m dead ass serious. If there are people being mean to you you need to tell me or even just post the ask with a period as a response and let your wonderful followers come at them with bricks and pitchforks. You may not be mean. But I am for the people I care about.

We protect our own in this community.

I am... just... bear with me for a sec... when I want to put somebody on my rec list, I always ask first. people don't usually do that but I really prefer to, because I wouldn't blame somebody if they didn't want to be publically associated with my blog, you know? that just makes you a target as well if someone is awful enough (especially if you're a writer too...), and I don't want anyone to ever get upsetting messages or asks because of me. I even often end up asking if I should go on anon if a mutual's blog is particularly soft, so that they don't get judged for just talking to me.

but every mutual I asked was like, idc lmao I like your writing and if anyone has a problem then too bad 😭 so my point is... you have no idea how much it means to me that you're willing to put yourself forward and... how much it means that you all chose to stand by me. I am never joking when I say to people that I don't want to involve them in my fights, I don't want them to become a target too. you're such a sweet, kind soul, and you don't deserve to deal with rude comments. and it would kill me if you had to just because you stood up for me.

but the fact that you want to and are willing to means more to me than you will ever know. because I don't feel so alone anymore. I don't know how to thank you properly, I don't know how to thank any of my mutuals really, but I do know that I love you all with my entire heart. 🥹❤️ And I love you, so much.

Thank you for being here, thank you for being you <3 and thank you for being my friend. 🥹 Because you're a wonderful one. I love you <3

#I'm sorry I know this got sappy but can you hear me sob ddbdhdhdh #asks #orchid 💕

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doodlemunster · 2 months

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List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers ♡

I'm SO SORRY THIS TOOK ME WAY TOO LONG

and thank you to @yesitsloulou because I saw you sent me this too and y'all are so so sweet for it. Seriously. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO FREAKING MUCH

Top 5 things that make me happy, let's goooo (strap in this is a long one)

Friends & Family

I'm putting them together cuz technically friends ARE family to me. More and more do I realize just how stinkin important they are and how much they make my day/month/year.

My friends sending me tiktoks/memes they think I'll love or remind them of me, who love me for me and I can be my goofy self with them

my parents being endlessly supportive and hear me out, who sometimes pick me up coffee or snacks simply because they are thinking of me. My mom, who used to take my brother and I to anime cons and would patiently listen to us rant about our latest obsession and STILL does it till this day even though she has no interest in any of it because she loves us that much. Or my dad who will be a big ol' goof and won't stop till he's cracked a smile out of me.

2. Mutuals

I would put mutuals in the friends and family category, but y'all deserve your own spot because otherwise I'd go on forever lmao (also I see mutuals as friends but I know some people might find that TOO familiar and I'm not trying to weird ya out or nothin)

mutuals who leave tags on reblogs, letting me know their thoughts or little comments to me. Or the reblogs on my art and letting me know if you love it or not?? like 'IM OVER THE MOON'. Know that I'm squeeing and kickin my feet and twirling my hair. All of it. Also, seeing how excited y'all are about a certain show, books, fandom etc Even those posts that are like 'reblog if you would gently headbutt with the person you reblogged this from if y'all were cats'. I love that. I mean it when I say that all of this makes my entiiirrree day. I love it and I love y'all!!

3. My Pets

Seeing their cute little faces gets me through so much. They let me hug and kiss them a whole bunch and it fills me with so much seratonin, holy hell. They have helped me on lonely nights, being little supportive spirits when I'm in my head too much or going through a bad break up. If y'all want some cuteness too, heres a pic of the two of them. I lost my sweet Gir last year and it still gets to me. It's also the anniversary of her passing, but she was an amazing dog.

4. CBD gummies

okay so this is left field and sounds goofy, but I struggle with sleep pretty badly. I'm a night owl through and through, so it makes settling down super hard. My brain just won't shut the fuck up. It's caused my anxiety to spike enough to get medicated for it. However, with these gummies I can FINALLY bank on a good night's sleep and for that I am forever thankful. It also makes me feel so damn good too, so it even calms my anxious nerves. It's made me happy to tears, let me tell ya.

5. Baking

Been finding a lot of happiness in trying new recipes. Some of my favorite nights are getting tipsy/high, baking, and watching horror movies. I've mad pie dough, mini pumpkin pies, brownies, no bakes, caramels, truffles, muffins and god its been such a TREAT. I made my friends and family baked goods and it filled me with so much joy.

Thank you so so much for the sweet ask!! <3 I'm so happy to have y'all as mutuals. Seriously, you make the weeks that much sweeter. I hope you are doing great. Sending you lots of love! ❤️❤️❤️

#<3 <3 <3

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cosmic-kaden · 3 months

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Confession: I really hate this website. I don't understand how to make friends or why some things get interaction and some don't and although it's the only place with self shippers, I am so lonely most of the time I think I should just leave because what's the point? I also don't have any art or writing skills so can't post anything like that and my husband's world is not popular or one where other people self ship so it's not like I can even get into fandom stuff. Just so tired. I miss Livejournal (outing my age, lol). I GOT that. I just want people to know and remember he and I, we were, we loved. Our love existed.

anonymously confess something to you.

Awe, I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated. You don't have to have the skill to draw or write. I used to be god-awful at both art and drawing but I just...practiced whenever I was able too. Practice makes progress after all, I didn't care if my writing or art was bad in comparison (not that you should compare) but I created it because it makes me happy!

Again, it's ultimately up to you on how you want to do things and in no way am I implying you should do it my way!!

You can always just love post! For a long while and I mean like... two years I hardly produced anything. All I did really was reblog other mutuals art/wrting and occasionally I would make a post just hollering about my f/o. The good thing about that is that it doesn't have to be coherent you can literally type "LSDKJFLKSDJFLDSK MY F/O HHHHHHHH" and people would like it because you're just screaming that you love them!

I remember Livejournal, I never used it myself but I do remember it. I guess in a way you got to put yourself out there. interact with some people either through tags of something they made and you rbd or like participate in sending asks to people. I am in no means "well known" but I found some people who like to put up with my annoying ass /lh

I don't really talk to people privately either, its all mainly through dash communication and asks/asks games.

I understand that it can be hard and frustrating but there are a multitude of different ways of showing your f/o you love them and just a gentle reminder that you're here for you and your ships and if you find some people a long the way who also support your ships, that's a bonus! <3

I know quite a few who have obscure f/o and while yeah content can be hard to come by, like I said there is a lot you can do from if you wanted to try drawing/writing, moodboard making, playlist creation, pintrest board creation, loveposting (Even if it is keysmashes followed by 100 ilus lol)

I'm sorry if I went on a tangent, if you fell asleep partway through I don't blame you! lol I just wanted to kind of reassure you in a sense that there are ways of loving your f/o and showing that love. You don't NEED to make content of them to prove your love or your ships worth and you're here because you want to share some form of love for them right? You're doing that for you and because you want too! Eventually, the right people will find you.

I've never actively looked for friends on the hellsite, people migrated towards me and now I have a lot of lovely mutuals who I can also call friends. It didn't happen overnight (I've been here since like....2017? a least self shipping, been here longer than that tho) but it will happen.

I just be super unapologetic about this insane amount of love I feel and whenever I feel the need I scream via a text post haha

I'M R A M B L I N G (WRAP IT UP KADEN GAWD!) /j /lh

I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated/upset with your experience on the hellsite and I really do with all my heart anon, hope that it turns around for you <3 Please take care!

#I'm a rambler! : D hhhhh #anonnies;#long post

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buckttommy · 2 years

Text

Fic Writer Appreciation

Hello my friends I am appreciating you <3 I tend to be a bit... chatty, so some of these love letters appreciation posts are longer and some are shorter, but the level of love and appreciation I have for all of you is the same. <3

@rewritetheending : Morgan, you are such a friend to me. Not to get sappy, but I love every conversation that we have, whether it's about fandom or other things. I love you, thank you for sharing bits and pieces of your life and family with me. I cherish them greatly. You write Buck and Eddie with such a genuine honesty that I think is missing from a lot of fics. Which isn't to say other fics are bad AT ALL, but Buck and Eddie's openness and their ability to be open with each other is one of the things I value most about their dynamic and you consistently capture that. I know I mentioned it before, only a few days ago, but that fic (you know the one) was such a soul-twisting piece of honest writing. Thank you for writing it and sharing it.

@eddiediass : Dev, your writing makes me feel like I'm sitting on a therapist's couch being forced to reflect on my life. You and I have such complicated relationships with our emotions, but the depth of your capacity to not just feel but emote shines through in your writing. Writing is such an act of vulnerability and it's very raw and unnerving but you do it so well. I know you hated it but Buck Doesn't Cook Anymore is hands down my favorite of your fics. You see things in the canon narrative that other people don't see, ways and angles to view the characters and realities presented that completely turns the story on its head. I hope you always love what you write.

@hattalove : Kris, here's a fun fact, we were mutuals once upon a time back in 1D world! Silent mutuals, lol. I don't think we talked once but I remember distinctly when you followed me because I was thrilled that such a talented, brilliant writer even knew I existed. Every year, you wrote a massive fic for HL and Amaryllis and Got the Sunshine on my Shoulders are still some of my favorite 1D reads of all time. Your writing was so good and engaging and captivating then, but it's only gotten better over time. The way you write Eddie and Buck's dynamic, and the way you write Eddie specifically just brings me to my knees. You evoke such depths of emotion in me that I have to put off reading Tell Me About Despair until I'm emotionally ready to handle it. I think about the end scene of the light's been out though, baby, where Buck and Eddie are in the kitchen, at least once a month. The tenderness of it all unspools me like a skein of yarn. I think you are and will be an amazing author.

@kitkatpancakestack : K, I remain absolutely undone by everything you write. I can name several fics off the top of my head that I think about with an increasing frequency, starting with Leave Me Alone (I'm Renovating) and ending with How Beautifully We Fall. The day you started writing fic was the day the world changed for the better. I knew from the moment I read the summary of How Beautifully We Fall that that was going to be one of those fics that burrowed deep into my soul and remained like buried treasure until I thought about it again, and I was right. Reading that fic was such a beautiful, heart-wrenching, heartwarming, cinematic experience and I'm thankful every day that I got to read it. And for FREE!!! Your use of words amazes me constantly. YOU amaze me constantly. I'm glad you exist.

@henswilsons : Mia, I cannot tell you how many times I've reread everything's coming up millhouse by now. Awkward twitter star Eddie is such a delight. Your ability to capture love and joy and humor in your words is such a gift and I'm so thankful that your share your stories with us. mwah glad you exist

@extasiswings : Chapel, your fics were some of the first I ever read in this fandom and I distinctly remember thinking if any of the fics in this fandom are half as good as this one, this will be a fun fandom to read for. You are one of THE Buddie writers of all time. You throw so much heart and soul into every word and it is obvious, whether I'm reading angst (dream of some epiphany, my beloved) or the filthiest sub!Eddie smut. I love you lots, you're an amazing person to have in this fandom.

@hmslusitania : Hayley. *screams into hands* Hayley. I have so much to say about Leave the Light On. I read it over a year ago, by now, and I still have no idea how to arrange all my words in an order that tells you how much I loved everything about that fic. I have insomnia, and I started reading that fic sometime in the middle of the night thinking I'd just read a little bit and then fall asleep. Wrong. I stayed up until four consuming every word and maybe it's because I was sleepy and foggy, but the range of emotions that fic took me through was so visceral and beautiful. I will never forget it. You have such a gift with words. I did cry over mangoes. Thank you.

@letmetellyouaboutmyfeels : Mags (yes, I just nicknamed your nickname), I was so intimidated when you first messaged me lol. I was like, there's no way this awesome and cool and talented person wants to talk to ME and then after about five seconds of knowing you, I was like "ohhh okay. so she's a dork, got it." You are such a delight and I love talking to you all the time. You're empathetic, funny, enduringly sweet, and such a brilliant writer. You are the one of the only people I can come to and be like "hey what if Buck and Eddie had this specific type of nasty, dirty sex" and you're just like "*already typing* way ahead of you." I frequently reread your fics, even just to go over my favorite little snippets, but my favorite is still Your Fingerprints Smeared on My Heart (Lead Me Back to You). I know that fic put you through the paces for a minute there, but the payoff was so worth it. I absolutely adore it. The collision of past to present and Eddie getting shot in both timelines, and Buck's birthmark and their DREAMS of each other. Kill me. you're one of the best parts of this fandom and I adore you

I know for a fact I'm missing a lot of people, a lot of friends, and once I publish this, I know at least four people are going to come to mind. But know that even if I didn't tag you that I love you endlessly and that all the fics you've written have brought me nothing but joy. I am endlessly grateful for you all and I'm glad we all share the planet at the same time. Whatever it is that brought us all to this point where we write about these silly little fictional men for fun, I'm glad it happened.

You're all amazing.

#jack.txt #fic writer appreciation day

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