#i feel like i am just. going thru the motions of life

[dykeninthdoctor]

literally in the weirdest mental state of my life rn. what is going on

[kuiinncedes]

zbxhdhdh

[lavender-verse]

secret husbandsssssss scar going thru dom drop after a rough scene and gri leading them through aftercare and telling scar how much he loves him

this one I don’t think needs a “read more” button since there’s nothing explicit here. just a bubble bath and some snuggles <3

———————————————

When Grian steps back into their bedroom, he finds that Scar hasn’t moved. He frowns with soft concern, setting the two bottles of water he grabbed aside for now. “Scar?” he gently asks, moving to sit in front of his husband on the bed.

Scar doesn’t answer verbally, instead looking up at him with sad eyes.

“Oh, Scar,” Grian murmurs, scooting closer to him. “What do you need? Bath first or physical contact?” Scar holds up two fingers, which sets Grian into motion. He tugs Scar close enough until he pull them down, making sure that Scar’s face is comfortable against his shoulder. He makes sure to press as much of himself against his husband as he can, wanting to offer a good bit of physical contact. One of his hands combs through Scar’s hair, gentle and loving.

He feels Scar hold onto him, an arm wrapping around his waist. Grian presses kiss after kiss to his hair. “I love you,” he reminds him. “I love you so much, Scar. You’re so good to me.” One of his wings move to rest over Scar like a blanket. “Always making sure I’m comfortable and feeling good, you always prioritize that. I’m thankful for that. I love you.” Grian offers Scar’s hair another kiss. His fingers carefully brush out the long strands under them, removing any knots he finds.

“And the scene… Void Scar, every bit of it was amazing. I loved it.” He won’t get into specifics now, not until he and Scar can properly discuss it. But it doesn’t hurt to tell him that Grian enjoyed it, at the very least. “You and your Mr. Mayor persona, sexy as hell.”

That earns him a quiet laugh, which causes Grian to grin. He then gently tilts Scar’s head up, all soft and loving. He presses their lips together in something sweet. “I love you,” he hums. “I trust you more than anyone else in the world. I can put my life in your hands and know that I’ll be alright.”

“Grian…” Scar sniffles, and Grian is quick to catch any tears that slip out.

“I love you,” he repeats, offering another kiss. “Everything I am is yours.”

Scar sucks in a breath and pushes his face back into Grian’s neck, holding him tightly. Grian coos softly, returning to combing through his hair. They stay like that for who knows how long, just holding each other. Grian whispers soft confessions of love over and over, occasionally cooing and chirping to let Scar know he truly is alright.

When Scar taps his fingers three times against Grian’s back, he knows his husband is okay enough to move to a bath now. Grian slowly pulls away (not before giving Scar’s hair one last kiss) to head into the bathroom. He grabs a washcloth or two so he can properly clean Scar up as he makes sure the water is the perfect temperature for them. And of course he can’t forget the bubbles; it’s a must.

Grian makes sure the bath is ready before he goes back into their bedroom and sees Scar sitting up. He walks over and manages to scoop his husband up in his arms, bringing them back to the bathroom. He sets Scar down in the tub with the water before climbing in himself.

“Let me take care of you, okay?” Grian hums as he reaches for a washcloth. “You just sit there and look all handsome for me.”

They sit in there for a while, with Grian settling in Scar’s lap and snuggling against his chest when he’s done cleaning the two of them up. Scar murmurs a soft thanks, content to hold his husband close.

[hellfiresmaster]

Omg yes there needs to be more Eddie Munson fluff !! Craving it so baddd

I’ve been going thru a rough patch recently. Laid off from work, no boyfriend, friends are distancing themselves… may I please request some cheering up from my favorite metal head?

I am sending you so much love and a big hug :( I hope things get better soon and I hope you like this little blurb :)

Special Day

Eddie Munson x reader

Warnings: were a little upset at Eddie in the beginning but it gets fluffy and he makes up for it I swear

Word Count: 873

Tag List

The mix of rocks and twigs creaked beneath you as you settled into the ground. You made yourself as comfortable as you possibly could underneath the large boulder. Skull rock was always a safe place for you to go ever since Eddie brought you here when you were younger. Whenever either of you felt overwhelmed or 'just done with everyone's shit' as Eddie puts it, this is where you'd go. He swore it would be a special place just for the two of you. Last year he'd even gone as far as to ask you out right here in this very spot. The thoughts had butterflies stirring in your stomach and a smirk appearing on your face at the memory of Eddie stumbling over himself and his words, trying to convey his feelings for you. 

You eventually allowed yourself to lean back against the enormous rock and take a deep breath, finally able to decompress for a bit and close your eyes. You thought back to every single detail of that day, every word you said to him, every touch, kiss, anything that could give you any sort of clue as to why Eddie had forgotten such an important day like today: your anniversary. Today made a year since you two started officially dating; it was a massive milestone for both of you; how could Eddie have let that slip? You were too wrapped up in your own self-deprecating thoughts to notice tears had been falling while leaving behind dark-colored stains on your blue jeans. You reached for your bag when a noise comparable to footsteps approached you from the woods, and he appeared. Eddie. You quickly tried to compose yourself before he could see and offered him a fake smile as he clumsily made his way to sit next to you.

"Hey, I've been looking for you." His usual playful tone was halted as he stopped in front of you, tentatively putting whatever was in his hands behind his back and speaking as if not wanting to startle your clearly delicate state. He glanced you over carefully, how closed off you seemed but particularly how puffy your eyes were from crying, he assumed. It shattered his heart, and his brain was already driving him crazy trying to figure out what had you feeling like this. "You're here." He motioned to Skull Rock as he sat in front of you instead. "So I know somethings gotta be wrong. Please talk to me." 

"You forgot." It was barely a whisper, but Eddie heard you as you kept your gaze downward at your fidgeting hands. "You forgot our special day..." 

"Baby." Eddie's hands grazed your cheek to lift your face towards him, and he leaned in closer, letting the light and shadow from the scattered trees dance across his skin. Man, he was beautiful, you thought to yourself. Before he could say anything else, he pulled out a small pack of roses with a small pouch attached to them and handed it to you with a crooked smile. "Happy Anniversary." 

You laid the roses on your lap, opened the black velvet pouch, and into your hand fell one of Eddie's favorite skull rings and the most beautiful necklace you had ever seen. It was a silver chain with a red and black guitar pick at the end, engraved in Eddie's handwriting with 'I love you' on one side of it. Your eyes welled up with tears as you glanced back at Eddie in disbelief.

"It's the guitar pic I used at the first show I took you to, where we first kissed, and the ring I thought maybe you could wear for me." Eddie paused before taking your hand and looking into your eyes again. "I could never forget the best day of my life, sweetheart. The day I got to call you mine. I wanted to make it special for you, so I spent all day running around putting that necklace together; I even put together a whole layout in the van with chocolates and roses and all that nice shit you deserve. I just wanted today to be special; I guess I got caught up in it; I'm sorry. And I know it's not the nicest gift ever. You're so fucking special to me; you deserve to be taken out to some nice dinner and shit. Not a guitar pic and a worn-out ring, but-" 

You crashed your lips onto his, rapidly stopping his rambling from getting out of control like it almost always did. Eddie immediately cupped your face between his hands. His lips were soft and pillowy against your own, like they were made for each other. You could feel the gentle tickle of his breath beneath your nose, your fingers carding through his hair as you breathed each other in before separating just enough for your foreheads lean against one another. You loved Eddie; there was no denying that, but the fact that he spent all day preparing the perfect anniversary date and gift for you made you your heart swell. 

"You mean everything to me. I love you so fucking much." He spoke against your mouth, not wanting to pull away much farther.

"I love you too. So much."

Tag list: @luvmunson86 @wickedmystery @hellfire1986baby @roanniom @mariesackler @theoncrayjoy (let me know if you’d like to be removed at any time)

[ladybeug]

was scrolling thru your art tag enjoying your comics when i suddenly discovered you were the one that wrote strangers in the bright lights. having gotten into miraculous only very recently, was tickled to experience a very small identity shenanigan of my own

incredible fic btw; i love it soooooo much. brilliant, hilarious, sweet, poignant. out of curiosity have you read much postww1 modernist stuff? i adored the usage of free indirect discourse for the narration, drunken and in motion and alive, almost reminded me of virginia woolf in a weird way lol. sorry if this is weird

Hello!! I'm about to get long-winded and self indulgent in this reply, fair warning :)

here goes:

Wow!! I don’t know how you found strangers in the bright lights if you got into ladybug in any time frame that can be described as “very recently”, I wrote that in 2018 when I was digesting some personal stuff and in a fantastic ladybug renaissance (of which I have now had several, I think I’ll die in this fandom).

But I’m so glad you somehow did. I only write every couple of years when I get really specific ideas, and the time I spend on it turns into memories of who I was when I wrote it. I feel like that must happen to actual writers too, ones who write often, but I haven’t written “often” since like 2009 and have never asked, so there you go.

But I guess that’s all to say that I am very attached to that story and it’s also one of the only things I’ve written that still feels like it hit the chord I was aiming for. It is so cool that anyone still reads it!!

To actually answer your question: I have never read virginia woolf, and the only modernist stuff I've read was years ago for school classes. I have to admit none of the style was inspired by classics, but instead inspired by the weird disassociation of trying to be alone in a crowd.

I have a final self-indulgent thought, it is a fun fact I realized as I was going down memory lane about this:

I associate ‘strangers in the bright lights’ with a friendship I made that stands out as one of the luckiest and rarest friendships I’ve made – I went to a mountain goats concert alone, and stood up at the front early, and met someone else who had gone to the same mountain goats concert alone and had stood up at the front early. It was one of the fastest and most comfortable connections I’ve made, and we liked each other so much we stayed in touch, even after they moved away. We are still in touch every so often, and as far as I’m concerned in a few years they’re going to publish the best fantasy novel you’ve ever read, so watch out for that.

The fanfiction is in part inspired by that beautiful feeling of meeting someone new that you want to talk to, and they want to talk to you, and a drink or two has propped up your self esteem and you don’t have to worry about who you are tomorrow, just who you are right now. It’s escapism. You feel important, and carried by that feeling, for as long as you are there. Lonely who? Not me. Trapped by past versions of myself, who? Not me.

Anyways the fun fact is - I found out this morning that concert was a year AFTER I posted this fanfiction. I didn't know about that moment of my life as I was writing this. The two are so connected in my mind that this is genuinely surprising, but the concert was in September 2019 and I published the fanfic a year beforehand.

In the words of mr. mountain goat himself: we held on to hope of better days coming, and when we did we were right!

[theminecraftbee]

being in ur impulse feelings while im in my bdubs feelings is so crazy bc in 3L bdubs wanted to trust impulse so bad but He wouldnt commit to the Crastle in any way that satisfied him. for bdubs it also wasnt abt the clock, it was that scar got to play off of bdubs Need to devote himself to someone First. Impulse just got there too late.

Then in DL impulse got the pleasure of being the first in line to recieve that loyalty. and etho was trying to undermine it and bdubs still Wanted Etho. <- goes crazy over this

NOW with Rentheking Bdubs is sticking by his side despite being overtly grating and unpopular. I want to predict that bdubs will attempt to Ghost the king bc that is the move of a guy who wants to wring every drop of Use out of a relationship but doesn't want to go thru the annoying motions of a real breakup. which somehow manages to ride the line of doing what impulse wants politcally but not what he wants personally ... which is either a confrontation or a team up with bdubs for old times sake... -girltimeswithscar

YEAH LIKE. OKAY. from everyone else's pov you SEE impulse is coming across as shifty. hell TWO OF HIS DEATHS ARE FRIENDLY FIRE. one of them is scott who did not know impulse was on the crastle's side at all and therefore their side. then the other one, of course, is the clock. and like, it's about the clock. it's about scar being able to give bdubs this symbol. but you're right for BOTH OF THEM it was never about the clock it's about impulse thinking a promise at the start of the story is enough to still be believes at the end and about bdubs never getting the commitment that bdubs would have given.

and like. yeah. in double life etho is trying to homewreck the homewreckers a little bit and bdubs is just like. impulse is the first to get the loyalty this time. but the cracks start to show. and like.

okay. i think bdubs is like... devoted to the idea of devotion. he is devoted to this Ideal of a person he can absolutely give his whole self to. (he loves me.) but like, impulse doesn't show his devotion like that. impulse's devotion was trying to be friends with everyone, but friends with them first, where bdubs's devotion is that there is only One Guy for him and the rest is auxiliary, and. they're SO CLOSE. they're so close to working out in double life. and sure, the universe has forced it, but they are so close to working out but they're still. at the end the death message shows bdubs stabbing him. and maybe it was a glitch. and maybe it was not. and can impulse really trust bdubs anymore? and did bdubs ever really devote himself to impulse, or was he devoted to the idea of that mid-century modern house and a pool and someone to gossip with? i like to think maybe they worked but at the same time it's like. i think they were happy. i think they needed to be, though. is that the same thing.

(it was never about the clock for either of them.)

and that last paragraph is driving me a little insane because i can SEE IT. i can see this time being the time bdubs actually goes through with the scheming part of being scheming as an advisor. of losing that ideal he's devoted to and leaving. but like. YEAH. that would be want impulse wants politically (the king's court falling apart) but not what he wants like, emotionally. and like. idk man

i am thinking about them tonight and you are fueling this

[ultrvmonogamy]

if ur the person at the start of this now 4+ months long vilification campaign against me:

i am asking u w compassion to reflect upon the fact that u initiated contact w me, lied to me from go, continued to perpetuate that lie for months on end--all the while pretending to be my friend n preying upon the vulnerability i extended to u (smth incredibly rare for me)--, further initiated contact w me again later so out of nowhere that i had to confirm who u were, n with all of that put me in an atrociously precarious position.

please also reflect upon the fact that from go i was honest w u, attempted to be a positive and supportive presence for u in the times we interacted, encouraged u in ur pursuit of mental health, talked u thru anxiety attacks, advised u to be careful, dissuaded u from committing suicide, cheered u on in ur efforts towards greater autonomy n control over ur own life, never asked anything of u, and never sought anything from u.

how would u feel at this point if u were me? would u be justified in feeling absurdly wronged? would u be justified in feeling targeted n punished n slandered for being a victim of deception by the very person who victimized u w that deception? and if (like i do--make no mistake abt it) u had in ur possession hard evidence of everything i said above, would u embrace the compassion ur still able to feel for someone u once considered a dear friend n show restraint instead of retaliating to potentially destroy their life?

plz consider taking ownership for ur actions n set the record straight w whoever u've got doing ur dirty work, n maybe have those ppl make a prudent effort to undue the damage they've done as well. or, at the v least, simply call off ur dogs.

as a result of the enduring nature of the bullshit u've set in motion i am running out of energy to extend compassion. sadly that is not just compassion towards u but rather overall, which is unfair to literally everyone. i don't know what y'all think ur trying to accomplish, but as far as i can tell ur only creating more delusion in the world n hurting someone who is not any of the things that r being claimed. is that rly what u want ur time, energy, n focus to amount to? in a world so v fucked up n overflowing w unconscionable suffering in any direction u can turn, is this rly what u wanna be doing w ur life?

[moonflowerxox]

tw/~ vent, sad breakup posting, serious, probably over dramatic idk, self depreciation

.

.

.

.

.

I think the worst lesson I've learnt this week, is that you really and truly can trust someone with your entire soul, feel like they're the safest place in the world and let go of your trauma and fear of being abandoned... only for them to leave you suddenly after two years of promising you the world and telling you how much they love you. love isn't always enough. i know that. but my trust feels broken and I feel stupid for letting my guard down. I joke a lot abt shit bc im a chronic bottler and dont like to admit that i can be emotionally vulnerable. but I am genuinely struggling with this break up and its sucking the life out of me. I have never cried this much over anything. I just feel... helpless. I know it sounds stupid. but the depths of which I opened up to this person are deeper than anyone or anything I've ever experienced. I felt euphorically safe. I trusted someone with everything in me and it feels like shit and it feels like no matter what ppl always leave I know I'm being really pessimistic I'm just heartbroken and going thru the motions ig my entire world feels indescribably shaken and I feel like my sense of reality has been ripped from me. it doesn't feel real.

[gg-carboxylase]

Be My Favorite is mildly redeeming itself in showing that sometimes, shit happens no matter what.

You can be the nicest person, fix all your mistakes, build up all that karma, and life still fucks you in the drive thru.

I do like this message a lot.

What I don't like is the fact that Kawi is still unlikable and Pisaeng just stands by him no matter how unlikable he gets.

In the latest episode all of Kawi's friends have pretty much kissed off, but he just shows up at Pisaeng's and they're right back where they were.

Also, I know I am probably in the minority here but I really feel these men do not want to kiss each other.

Or at least Krist is kind of face mashing instead of kissing and Gawin is emoting instead of kissing.

It's at the most, mid-tier for a Thai show. Especially, when you have the likes of Man and Ben for Step By Step or Force and Neo in just the trailer of Only Friends out there.

There's a small snip of an interview out there about this kiss.

Force quoted Neo as saying, "Pi, why don't we kiss first as a little ice breaker," and then Neo gave him a peck on the lips. Then they filmed that kiss right there after. "No workshop, nothing," a direct quote from Force.

So I'm of the opinion that you can have a kiss with much more [makes emphatic motion] that, without hours in a workshop if you trust your scene partner and you let yourself go.

It's not a Millennial vs Gen Z thing either because Force is Millennial.

This is just my opinion, and opinions aren't facts. YMMV! You might be completely satisfied with the chemistry between Krist and Gawin. I just think they could do much, much better for the money they're making. It's a kiss, it's not touching dicks.

[payphoneangel]

For the ask game 1, 11, 24, 23 :))

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

Oh boy, starting off with a bang! Uhhh this question is very broad so I guess I'll interpret 'things' as like, events. I could go media but ehhh i think events are more interesting.

1.1 I had a rare and severe disease as a child that deeply impacted how I view mortality, comfort, and the field of medicine. Luckily, I have essentially 0 lasting health impacts from it so it's all just emotional stuff! Hooray!

1.2 My parents split in my early teens, changing not only my living situation but also how I viewed the concepts of home, family, and romance/marriage. It also was the catalyst for which started repressing all of my emotions, something I had to work hard to unlearn in my late teens/early twenties. It was a good life lesson, to say the least.

1.3 Also around my late teens, I figured out I was genderqueer! This has changed a lot, both the intricacies of my gender itself, and how it's impacted my life. Everything from the way I look/speak, how I navigate interpersonal relationships, and how I conduct myself in public are impacted by my complex relationship with gender. It's fun and exciting and freeing and enlightening, but it's also frustrating, isolating, confusing, and downright scary sometimes. I wouldn't have it any other way.

11. what do you consider to be romance?

Tbh, it's something that has been on my mind quite a lot recently! Short answer: I have no clue 😅

Long answer: I have only recently just had the revelation that I cannot tell the difference between platonic and romantic attraction. I'm not even sure romantic attraction is something I'm capable of experiencing. I can recognize (and enjoy) romance in fiction, I sing along to all the love songs, I do my best to understand the feelings of those around me when they talk about romance. But for me? I don't know. I know I've loved people, deeply and earnestly-- I love people now. But every time I try to enter a romantic relationship with someone, I feel like I'm just doing what's expected of me; going through the motions of 'what romance is supposed to look like' without actually feeling it. It's hard to say though, it's hard to identify the absence of something. How do I say I can't feel these feelings if I don't know how to identify them? Or is that in and of itself my answer? To me, there isn't anything I'd only do exclusively with a romantic partner. I don't know what romance looks like because I'd happily do anything passionate, caretaking, or intimate with a friend. But I'm told there's supposed to be extra feelings, so... here I am.

23. say 3 things about someone you hate

YESSS TIME TO BE A HATER. Okay uhhhh 1) expected me to be responsible for an entire dnd group's happiness despite my own joy becoming less and less frequent when playing (exacerbated by playing become a literal obligation) 2) assumed he knew my own needs and solutions to my problems even when I DIRECTLY STATED OTHERWISE 3) decided i had daddy issues because-- and I cannot stress this enough-- I played a warlock in his stupid campaign. Then he tried to therapize me about it. thru dnd. Needless to say I did not stay in that campaign (despite his best efforts to not let me quit)

24. what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

Ahhh I could connect this to any of the earlier questions but I suppose since I'm answering these on here I'll say this: My improvement in writing!!

Spn really got me into writing fic. Outside of taking a creative writing class in college, I haven't done any writing outside of scientific writing since I was a teen. I had a lot to learn and relearn! It's been really rewarding to send my drafts to my beta reader, and watch the amount of edit suggestions lower with each project as my writing skills have strengthened. Of course, I still have more to learn, but honing my writing skills is something that brings me a lot of joy; and it's been very fun to write fics that other people enjoy too!

ask me some stuff

[vampzxi]

music recs?

omg. kisses whoever asked me this. i have a bunch of music so just walk with me here. i'll sort it because i have so many recs um. im very passionate about this hollon (kpop is at the bottom bc i know not everyone listens to it...im not a kpoppie guys i swea)

hip hop

count me out - kendrick lamar (literally my most listened to artist, i saw him live a few months ago. i love that man) (when i saw letitia post herself to this song i literally exploded im not even playing)

anything by SMINO (none of my friends listen to him but he is truly my fav hip hop/r&b artist)

ringleader man - t pain (he can sing his ass off, okay.)

vent -baby keem

three man weave - injury reserve

PRIDE. - kendrick lamar

swimming pools - kendrick lamar

litterally ANYTHING by ice spice (i am a munch.)

CORSO - tyler, the creator

collard greens - schoolboy Q (my mom would play this every day when she dropped me off at school in 3rd grade,,,its ingrained in me)

???? - bktherula (yes that is the song name) (that woman is so fucking fine.)

cold - rico nasty

realer - megan thee stallion (wife.)

ftn - hook (hook is an amazing artist, no skips)

super bass - nicki minaj (listen...this used to be my shit)

r&b/soul (fav category)

how many drinks? - miguel (i was gonna write a shuriri fic on this)

moonlight - kali uchis (i love love love kali uchis like you're gonna have to pry her from my cold dead hands.)

i want war (but i need peace) - kali uchis

fue mejor - kali uchis and SZA

terrified - childish gambino

sure thing - miguel

he's mine - mokenstef (i was also gonna write a shuriri fic on this...)

distraction - kehlani (despite not listening to her much this song always gets stuck in my head when i'm on the phone with @letitias-fav LMAO)

wild irish roses - SMINO (my boy...)

ALL MINE. - brent faiyaz (comphet crush...)

the sweetest taboo - sade (throwback but her voice is beautiful)

clouded - brent faiyaz

candy - doja cat

come on - jhene aiko (my first fic was to this song)

SZA's entire Ctrl album (a masterpiece)

anything by The Internet!! (please listen to them. they deserve more recognition)

PRBLMS - 6LACK

blame it - jamie foxx (listen....)

just a stranger - kali uchis

after the storm - kali uchis

girls need love - summer walker

like a tattoo - sade

to zion - lauryn hill (my mom named me after this song :3)

4 page letter - aaliyah

alternative

liquid smooth - mitski (literally about how women in society have an "expiration date", referring to beauty standards, and she's begging someone to take her before she "expires". i love this woman)

brand new city - mitski

carnage - jazmin bean (her and mitski shouldnt be in the same category but wtv...)

security! - ekko2k (kind of a joke because i jokingly told my friend i like men moaning in my ear and he gave me this song LMFAOOO)

feel good inc. -gorillaz

come home - willow smith (her music is beautiful)

the louvre - lorde (i love lorde)

akasaka sad - rina sawayama

caraphernelia - pierce the veil (i was going thru a lot when i was 12 ok.)

money machine - 100 gecs (i like how disorganized their music is...and i know this is from 2020 leave me alone)

ringtone - 100 gecs feat. charli XCX

kpop

disclaimer! i am not heavily involved in kpop communities because some of you niggas are CRAZY!! please don't jump me for my taste, i love my life. i am a casual listener.

heart attack - chuu (i love chuu)

love cherry motion - choerry

nxde (G)I-DLE

naughty - red velvet (LOONA and red velvet are my top 2)

kingdom come - red velvet (beautiful vocals)

russian roulette - red velvet

birthday - red velvet

BYE BYE - red velvet

feel my rhytm - red velvet

beg for me - red velvet

28 reasons - seulgi

tinnitus (wanna be a rock) - TXT (its afrobeats okay..)

i have SOOOOOO much more so if anyone wants a playlist just say the word. i didnt even include my afrobeats in here bc i didnt want it to be too long HAHAHA. but i LOVEE music. please let me know if you listen to any of these! and PLEASEEE give me more music to listen to! i'm always looking for recs <3

[tomatoluvr69]

useless complaint post literally you don’t have to bother reading this it will just help me to rant a bit

This is sooooo not a real issue I’m just in the throes of pmdd but like I have a bunch of semi-expected (but way earlier than I’d thought) unemployed time so I’m using its alignment with the warm weather to go backpacking/live out of my car in [nearby national park and national forests] but right now I feel zero enthusiasm and I really hope it’s not gonna suck bc my heart’s not in it…like if I’m kind of doing it out of obligation bc it’s unusual to have such an extended span of time off when you’re an adult, then am I going to have the drive to get thru the parts that suck, like the exhaustion of steep trail days, the days when it storms so hard you have zero dry gear, etc. but really the part that I’m the most trepidatious about is the loneliness. But it’s so weird bc I’m struggling socially here and I really think some extended alone time would help?? But it’s always hard and I don’t want to lololol. Honestly what would help this the most is to just wait until after my fucking period. But as it is right now I feel like I’m just going thru the motions. If I could fucking live in my house for the equivalent amount of time without my social life encroaching I absolutely would but I’m so burnt out from my close friends leaving and from my last dear relationship here being at times really tough (it’s one that feels like my well-being rides on it— when it’s good, I’m on top of the world, when it’s not I’m hurt and confused and crawling out of my own skin). I still have a community here but it feels like it’s my roommates’ world, and I’m a guest whose presence is like…anodyne at best? And I really think I’ve just latched onto the idea of my trip as a vague mental escape hatch and haven’t really grasped the idea of the fact that I’ll still be present in my ailing brain and treacherous body when I go on the trip— I’m not just taking a nap from my (admittedly spoiled little baby) problems. And when I did the same thing for 3 or 4 weeks last summer I was dropped off & picked up, which created a really nice incentive to stay on trail— to leave, I’d have had to somehow communicate & coordinate with the relatives who’d agreed on a set date to come pick me up, i.e. effectively trapping me in the woods so I’d stay when I got all grumpy or sad or began semi-hallucinating human voices or was ready to throw it all away to get my hands on a slice of pepperoni pizza and a big old kombucha lol.

Anyways this is such not a real problem but me ol’ paranoid ass is convinced a whole passel of my irls have this blog’s url so I can’t freely complain about what’s really bothering me, which is that I’m starting to see harbingers of the devastating dissolution of my closest relationship. Or, even worse, my relegation to a much more distant connection. And I’m trying desperately to convince myself I should stay in this fucking town, because I’m suuuuuuuuper prone to just fleeing when I start to feel [inaudible], which is a super unsustainable way to live my life and o know it’s not [city] I’m trying to flee but myself which scientists are telling me I can’t physically do…but is that the truth?? Or is the truth that I actually do need a clean break from [redacted]…or is that just a convenient lie I’m telling myself so I can flee again. Or is THAT a convenient lie I’m telling myself so that I can keep my head in the sand and keep [redacted]. It’s so cool how you can’t trust your own heart and mind and you might just suffer from uncertainty forever and you’ll die chasing happiness with the grass always greener but also like pmdd and I don’t really want to go on this trip but I think I must. I think…

[kaibaswifey]

Told my therapist that i feel like ive never been living for myself, ive just going thru the motions all my life, letting life happen to me. She asked me to think about what living for myself would entail. I already know what it would entail bc I think about it all the time. But it's impossible. The world says someone like me doesn't deserve to live, but im not allowed to kill myself bc they have to ring me dry till im truly worthless (all the while telling me i already am worthless.)

I have to be miserable and Then i can die, but on their terms.

I can't live the way i want, i can't die the way i want. Cool.

[timmymyluv]

hiiii!!! it's jen (thestarsaregivenonceonceonly)

i saw you're having surgery and i just want to wish you the best of luck and tell you that you're going to do great. i had surgery on my hip about 2 and a half years ago, and i remember being really unsure and nervous.. so i get it if you're feeling that way, and it's okay! you're going to be so much better on the other side.

yeah i talk too much anyway sending love and strength and you make me smile so much xo

jenn my lovely star 🥺🥺ty this means so much to me I am healing well

Ty for sharing your own story of strength and courage to motivate me and for validating how I feel! being limited in my range of motion and being sensitive to the pain still is a little frustrating but taking my cyst out has brought me so much relief and is already something I'm grateful for going thru

please don't apologize for talking too much I love talking myself and I love it when u esp talk to me as ur like a living legend to me 🥺🥺🥺🫂🫂💗💗someone I looked up to wants to talk to me and considers me a friend is one of the highlights of my life and I'm grateful

[cosmicsnowleopardcrusader]

I saw a furry brown skinned male feline lyran (same color as my new brown eye shadow ‘fawn’ from glossier) and he had huge blue/grey eyes and hair dreads exactly like lil durk - that matched his furry skin color. He was so vivid. His energy felt so kind and caring and careful.

I also remember being on a tram that turned into a magical bus - then a pod of 1– that I was flying so vividly- there wasn’t really anything to hang on to, I was basically close to falling out the whole time it felt. In my current earth life, Ive been on a mission to lucid dream more and more— and to consciously catch myself mid-dream so I could see things from a new perspective. I DID THAT WHILE I WAS FLYING!!!!! I was like whoa I’m back in the dream flying and I’m aware of it happening. So We were trying to escape. I was with dad Jack and someone else at dads we had a team of AI or dark programmed people who claimed to be watching us- the soldiers included guys my age plus older guards. I was soooo horrified and scared in the dream… like pure terror. I was afraid to die.. just the pain, not the death itself. I wanted it to be over with.

At one point I was standing where dad’s old playground was and a massive rectangle piece of what HAD to be tenants of a space station blown to bits (and what felt like the size of 2 cruise lines wide / long) that was about to be slammed down onto the ground (not sure by what— I feel like it was just humans and crazy ancient giant war planes in the sky so I can’t tell where the evil source was. I saw the giant cement like war scrap coming down to be slammed (slow motion like a video game) and knew it was gonna miss me but when it slammed down I saw hundreds of thousands of people get smushed. Some even just injured and not killed- which scared me even more in the dream. I knew once I died, it wouldn’t even hurt and I would flow right I to another life or place. I knew I was in a dream in that way. I just wanted to die so much so the horror would be over, but I kept escaping and surviving. Looking back, if this was a movie, there’s no way I would’ve survived. Time after time the evil kept coming in the dream and I was terrified. Until all the sudden, everything seemed to be over, and the military guys were just actors trying to book flights home lol.

At one point I remember dad and Jack still alive, it was suuuuuper rainy and slippery at one point and I was scared dad was gonna slip and fall.

And at the end I had found a new love who seemed so familiar that our hearts telepathically knew we were destined to be together and we didn’t have to say any words. Im sad to wake up from that part of the dream bc it felt as real as the terror.

At some point the experiment during the battle was over and I survived through attacks and I was vibing with one of the men who was hired to be there— a soldier of sorts— it’s almost like they were actors… and the war scene was over— anyway I fell in love with him at first sight, we had a kiss toward the end and after the kiss I overheard him tell his other female teammate “I’m goin to Omaha” which meant he was booking a one way flight to stay with me and start a new life— bc I had felt that connection with him and I felt safe. And I felt like he was real now and not the soldier from earlier lol. I remember the female soldier he told kinda rolled her eyes and laughed like “really soldier” but it felt perfect and I felt sooooo connected with him even when we weren’t in the same room.

In the end of the dream, once I figured out I’m still alive and not meant to die in that game, I went thru my things in my room I was staying in, only took a couple things, I remember thinning- “oh where I’m going I don’t even need any of that”

Why am I always packing / heading back to Omaha at the end of every dream?!

The man reminded me of Mikey Purlingy— my cubs bleacher buddy I meant last summer lol

[an-ascension-of-larks]

More random thoughts with L:

I know a lot of people like the idea that nothing matters and that they can do whatever they want with their life. And I am not hating on that in any way, I think that’s a cool idea, and if you apply that philosophy to ur life then great! Awesome.

But that idea terrifies me. I want to matter, yk? I don’t want to be forgotten. I want to live on after I’m dead. I don’t want my life to be meaningless.

Anyways, I was laying on my bed, scrolling thru Pinterest and thinking about life and death and reality and all that jazz, and thoughts occurred and I wanna share them bc I see a lot of posts abt “nothing stays! Everyone will forget you! Do what you want!” But never see posts abt being remembered or living on. (Maybe I’m just not on that side of the internet idk) So here u go (and if leaving a lasting mark on the planet isn’t something u wanna think abt then scroll awayyyyy) :

Yk the whole ripple effect theory of time travel? How if you interact with literally anything or change anything it could have massive consequences etc etc? Well. Time is a constant thing, and maybe the ripple effect theory doesn’t have to only apply to time travel. So I like to think (and by that I mean that for the past 45 minutes I’ve been thinking abt this and it’s helped reduce my anxiety and dread by a little bit) that maybe every little thing you do affects the universe a little bit. When you interact with reality and the universe and shit, which we are doing constantly, you change it a little bit. You change what’s gonna happen in the future. It’s like leaving a little bit of your soul in everything you do, if that makes sense. Like, maybe nobody will remember you in 100 years, but things you did will still affect them, and in that way it’s like you’re still being remembered.

For example, if I were to accidentally drop a quarter somewhere, maybe a few days later someone could find it, and spend it on like. Some candy or something. And maybe they’d share that candy with someone they care about. And maybe that brings those two people closer together. Maybe years later, they decide to start a family. And raise kids. And maybe one of those kids goes on to become a music artist or something. Maybe one of that kid’s songs helps someone they don’t even know get through a hard time in their life. Idfk. Maybe it’s a stretch, but you get what I mean. You live on through the way you interact with the universe around you. Everything you do sets other things in motion, and even after you’re dead, your life is still affecting the universe. Your life made a difference. Your life mattered.

I used to think that I would have to become famous or do something extraordinary and revolutionary with my life in order to matter. In order to change anything or like make an impact on the universe. But maybe that’s not true, maybe I can just exist without all the pressure of feeling like I have to change the world, maybe that’s enough. Maybe I’m changing the world in little ways simply by being here, maybe my life inherently has meaning simply because I exist, maybe I’m making my mark on the world simply by living in it. And maybe that’s its own kind of immortality.