#i feel nervous about it so i'm putting it on tumblr does that make sense

[steakout-05]

eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P

additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly

[hollowdeath]

Hello, I was wondering if it'd be possible for you to do an enemies to lovers with Harry Potter (with smut)? I feel like since Harry's life has been focused on Voldemort, he hasn't had a lot of time to think about things like crushes, and he's only had a couple of girlfriends here and there, but he's never felt such strong feelings for someone like y/n, so he deals with them by having a disliking towards her. (maybe he has a breeding kink? 🙏🙏) Maybe she's dracos sister? I dunno, all I know is that your fanfics are beautifully written, and you are my FAV tumblr author. Thank you ❤️

hi! thank you so much for requesting! you are so so sweet, i appreciate it so much <3 i had a lotttt of fun writing this one, i hope you like it!

pairing: harry james potter x fem!slytherin!reader (18+)

summary: harry becomes infatuated with you, draco malfoy's little sister, whom he's extremely protective over. though harry's confusion when it came to you lead him to hating you for several years, he eventually sees who you truly are, and loves what he finds.

c/w: mostly angst/fluff, slow burn, some smut at the end (oral & penetrative sex with some minor breeding kink). and, of course, briefly edited, all lowercase, not exactly book/movie/canon accurate, you know me !

word count: 14.6k (i'm so sorry)

a/n: soo i kinda ran with the draco's sister plot line lol. i actually had 2 other requests that also asked for a slytherin reader, so i tried to make it all in one! i hope everyone enjoys!

it wasn't until year 2 that harry learned draco actually had a little sister who would now be attending hogwarts with them. "how did you not know?" hermione had asked him, dumbfounded. "you've never heard someone mention [y/n] malfoy?"

harry tried to pay attention to hermione's questions, but he couldn't stop staring at you. you only vaguely looked like draco, maybe more so from certain angles, but there was something so completely different and unique about you. you carried yourself differently than draco. no constant sneer or narrowed eyes looking for trouble; instead, a soft smile, gentle touch, and nervous giggle. harry wasn't sure what to make of you. how could someone like you be related to such an evil pest like draco malfoy?

"blimey, harry, we're over here," ron whines, snapping his fingers in harry's face. harry looks back at his friends with guilt. "sorry, it's just, she doesn't seem related to draco," he says.

hermione makes a face. "i still wouldn't trust her regardless, the malfoys are nothing but evil trouble,"

harry glances back at you again, laughing with a few other first year girls waiting for the sorting hat.

it came as no surprise to anyone when you, a malfoy heir, were quickly sorted as a slytherin, their table erupting into cheers as you excitedly ran to a cheerful draco. harry remarked this as one of the first times he's seen draco actually look happy, a genuine grin plastered across his face as he gives you a big hug.

it almost feels wrong to see draco be affectionate with someone. harry's never seen someone make draco soften so much so quickly. as he's guiding you to sit next to him at the table, harry can actually hear him congratulating you. "see, i told you, nothing to worry about."

seeing him be so brotherly with you was so off putting it was almost upsetting to harry. if draco does have feelings, then why is he so awful to harry and his friends for no reason? and not just them, but to almost every student or professor? it just made no sense to him. harry hated hypocrites.

after the ceremony, harry's heading to the gryffindor common room when draco sharply cuts in front of him, standing nose to nose in the hallway.

draco looks harry up and down with a sneer. "i saw you staring at my baby sister, potter. try anything with her and you're dead."

harry's caught off guard but sneers back at draco, disgusted at his insinuation. "wasn't planning on it, draco. hermione's right, your family is nothing but trouble."

you come up behind draco, pulling on his robes softly. "draco," you say.

draco gives you one last warning look before taking you by the shoulders, guiding you away from harry. "let's go, [y/n]," he says with disgust.

as draco pulls you away, you swiftly turn over your shoulder and wave at harry with a big grin on your face. "hi, harry!" you call out excitedly before draco turns you around and walks you down the hallway quicker.

harry waves weakly. now he's really not sure what to think. draco is clearly protective of you and doesn't want you to even talk to harry. but you seem so kind and friendly, and harry can't deny how cute your smile is…

harry brushes off the situation, meeting ron and hermione at the top of the stairs where they were waiting for him. "what was that all about?" ron asked.

harry rolls his eyes. "nothing. can we just go?"

ron and hermione look at each other, a bit confused at harry's annoyance, but don't push him any further.

it's on this walk with ron and hermione that harry decides he hates you. as far as he's concerned, you're just another draco to him. he doesn't care if you seem nice, hermione's right - he can't trust you. not even for a second. not even if you look at him with those big beautiful eyes, that soft smile, your infectious giggle…no, harry hates you. and he hates draco. nothing's going to change that.

harry actually manages to not have another interaction with you until the beginning of 4th year, though that never stopped the longing stares between you two. harry often caught you attempting to talk to him, but always figured out a way around it to avoid you completely. he wasn't scared of draco's threat; harry knew he was serious but he wasn't afraid of draco. he simply had no desire to be around you, not even for a second.

mainly because he knew you could easily win him over if you wanted to.

harry had tried to deny it for over a year before he finally admitted to himself that fine, okay, maybe he does find [y/n] extremely pretty…but that doesn't have to mean anything. he still avoided you like the plague as draco continued to torment harry and his friends like normal.

at the beginning of fourth year, however, you made it a point to find harry when he was alone and practically force him into a conversation with you. he tries to get away when he sees it's you coming up next to him in the hallway, but you grab his arm. "harry. please."

harry pauses. he hasn't really heard your voice since you were in your first year, and only barely. it was so soft and kind, and just a hint sad as you asked him to speak for a moment.

he turns to you reluctantly. he knew this wasn't going to be good. he's already a little lost just looking in your eyes, but keeps himself focused as you begin talking to him.

"you've been avoiding me for almost 3 years now, and don't try to deny it because i'm not stupid…" you say, your tone of sadness only more pronounced. harry's awkwardly diverting his gaze, watching as you both slowly become some of the only students left in the hallway. he doesn't intend on replying, instead letting silence fill the air between you.

"i know you and draco don't get along but, can't we at least be civil? i'm not like him like that," you ask, your voice slightly desperate.

harry glares at you, ripping his arm away from your lingering grasp. he was never one to get angry at someone being so kind to him without reason, but he just couldn't stand you. you confused him, you made his heart race, you made him feel crazy for disliking someone so intensely when they haven't done anything wrong, but he couldn't help it.

"draco is an evil, blood purist bully. and as far as i'm concerned, you're nothing but his little shadow. so no, we cannot be civil." harry spits at you, his voice dripping in anger.

your face drops, but he's already stomping away, his blood pumping from the adrenaline rush of simply speaking to you.

"well fuck off, then. i was just being nice."

harry turns around at your loud voice, seeing you in tears just before you turn around and run out of the hallway, a few lingering students watching and looking over at harry as well.

harry just ignores them and continues walking away. he feels guilty, of course, you really were just trying to be nice despite harry's relationship with draco, but harry can't let his guard down for even a second. he's got so many other parts of his life that require his attention and time, he can't risk getting caught up in his feelings over his enemy's sister in the middle of it all.

it was easier for both of you if harry just put that wall up right away and ignored his other feelings for you. the feelings of longing, the feeling of guilt…

after that day, you and harry hadn't spoken to each other again. there was always looking, staring from across the room in both admiration and disdain. you found harry to be incredibly rude after that encounter and never saw him quite the same, but you couldn't help but watch him through the years as he grew into himself. and he had the same issue, only finding you more and more beautiful as time went on, from an adorable girl with the cutest laugh he's ever heard to a gorgeous woman in every sense of the word.

harry had a few crushes throughout this time at hogwarts and, ironically, even dated his best friend's sister at some point, but always found himself disinterested in all of them after a while for one reason or another. harry was constantly on edge these last few years and would practically lose himself in the situations he was in. his world would be turned upside down and he was expected to fix it every time. at that point, he just couldn't bring himself to care about a crush or even a relationship after experiencing what he's gone through.

what harry did always care about, though, was you.

not in a traditional sense, at least. he didn't necessarily want bad things to happen to you, not at all actually. he had always kept an eye on you during your years together. he didn't have any reason to, you guys were anything but friends, but harry felt a responsibility to keep you safe for some reason.

by harry's last year, draco had more or less left him alone completely. no more bullying or picking fights or spewing names, draco was now a sullen shell of who he used to be with no motivation to do anything but graduate and leave hogwarts behind.

harry couldn't blame him. he had to give it to draco, he went through a lot. though harry believed it all happened due to draco's own stupidity and selfishness that left him alone and depressed in the end, he still felt for him, if only a little bit. if not for what it did to you.

you had never given in to your family's connections to the dark lord, even when things were at their most detrimental point in the war, you stood with your fellow classmates, and, ultimately, with harry. draco couldn't say the same.

harry remembers being shocked, but not entirely sure why. he knew who you really were outside of your surname: a kind, understanding, empathetic person who brought light to people's days. but still, after all this time, there was a part of harry that still believed it might have all just been an act. he knew he was being ridiculous once he saw you turn away from your own parents and brother, not for harry, but for what was right.

since then, harry's felt different about you. rather than feeling anger or confusion whenever he saw your face or the back of your head in the hall, all he felt was happiness. he was happy to see you, happy that everything was okay now, happy that you had been genuine this whole time…though, of course, that came with the guilt of being so awful to you previously.

harry had been meaning to apologize to you and finally settle things before the end of the year. the issue was getting you away from draco.

since draco began struggling after the war, you two were practically attached at the hip. you tried everything in your power to help your brother, to be there for him, to reassure him; it killed you to see him so disappointed in everything, especially himself. harry found it sweet, of course, just how much you were willing to try for draco, but he ultimately saw it as a lost cause. if draco wanted to wallow in self-pity for knowingly being on the wrong side of the war, harry couldn't care less.

however, he cared for you, of course, so he respected your space around draco as harry knew he would only make things worse.

he was still determined to speak to you alone, so he figured out what classes you and draco had, both together and separately, and found a time where you would be alone. your last class of the day ended before draco's did, so harry waited by your classroom door until the bell rang.

once he saw you exit, talking with a friend, it took him a moment to build the courage to interrupt the conversation. but he knew he had to do this now, or else he'd never do it at all.

"[y/n]," harry said, coming up behind you and your friend. you both turned to him, your face instantly going pale. "oh," your friend had said, looking at you and harry before giving you a smirk and a simple goodbye.

you waved her off and turned back to harry, a complex look on your face. harry smiled tightly. "i was, um, wondering if we could speak, just for a moment," harry stumbles through his words, gesturing to an empty hall to your right. you take a moment to look around you, but nod at him and head around the corner to the less used hallway.

harry sighs as you turn to him, arms crossed, watching intently. "uh, look," harry says awkwardly, his hands going to his head in stress. "just, since everything that's happened, i've been thinking a lot…" harry continues, not able to look at you.

"i'm sure you have," you say softly. your voice is a mix of sincerity and sarcasm. it stings. harry can tell you're disappointed, angry, sad, and above all, completely hurt.

he chooses his next words carefully. "i'm sorry. for everything. for what happened with you and your family. for putting you through so much. for treating you how i did. i let my anger for draco and your family get in the way of my judgment." harry says softly, staring at the ground. "you didn't deserve that. none of you did. and i'll live with the guilt forever."

you're still watching harry, your weight shifting to the side, arms slowly uncrossing.

"i'm not asking you to forgive me. i just wanted to say sorry." harry sighs, sneaking a look at you before quickly looking away down the hall. your expression is unreadable. confusion, shock, sadness.

you leave a few moments of silence before replying, thinking of what you want to say to harry after all these years. you clear your throat, your hands folding together in front of you. "you should be sorry," you say simply.

harry's heart drops, but he's not surprised at your response. he knows you won't be easy to win over.

"i grew up idolizing you, harry. do you know how heartbreaking it was for you to hate me because of something i can't control?" your voice is breaking, your eyes turning away from him as well. harry doesn't move or respond. he knows he deserves to hear this.

you sigh shakily, trying to regain control. "but," you say sharply, causing harry to look towards you. your eyes were still diverted, nervously wringing your hands together. "there's no guilt to be had. you didn't do anything. you didn't choose this life. everything that happened to all of us was happening to you too." you say flatly.

you glance at harry, who's surprised at your words. "you were just a kid, harry." you tell him softly. harry's eyes threaten to tear up as he turns his head away quickly. you look back down the hall in front of you. "but so was i, and i didn't deserve that from you. so, yes, while i don't forgive you yet, i do accept your apology." you say with a suppressed smile. harry also has a small smile on his cheeks from what you can see.

another few moments of silence pass before harry sighs, relieved. "well, thank you."

the bell rings, and harry's heart drops. draco. he's going to be looking for you. he turns to the other hallway before looking back at you. "i guess i better go," he says. you smile sadly at him. "yeah. guess so." you say quietly.

harry gives you a sad smile too before leaving you behind, looking around to make sure draco wasn't close by before leaving down the hall.

harry wasn't afraid of draco. he never had been, but he certainly didn't want to see how he'd react to harry talking to his sister, even just casually. harry understands to an extent, if he had a sister he'd never let her near draco–but that's because he's draco. harry's a good guy, and he'd treat you well.

harry shakes his head at his thoughts.

what is he doing? he just wanted to apologize to you. nothing more. just because you make his heart flutter and are probably the most beautiful girl he'll ever know doesn't mean he has to like you. even though harry can't deny just how much he admired you for what you sacrificed during the war. when you turned your back to lucius and narcissa, your face stained with tears, hands in a fist, harry remembers thinking this must be what an angel looks like in real life. all of the evil in the world at your fingertips to corrupt you and you were strong enough, smart enough, to say no to it all in the face of war.

but that didn't have to mean anything, right?

right. harry could appreciate what you've done and still keep his distance with you. he apologized for his behavior, and you might've proved his suspicions about you to be wrong, but you were still a malfoy. one good, precious apple out of the entire rotten orchard isn't going to change his mind.

the next day, harry's just splitting ways with hermione outside the library when he catches your eye from down the hall. "harry!" you call out, walking quickly in his direction.

harry turns to you, instinctively smiling before letting his face go blank. "[y/n]," he says, surprised, as you come up beside him. "what's wrong?"

you laugh a bit, giving harry a look. "what? nothing's wrong. i figured we could maybe eat lunch together."

harry's a bit stunned. he takes a look around you both. obviously you had been alone, but he was still a bit suspicious of draco's absence. you two had been practically glued together this last year or so, it was almost odd to see you without him.

"oh, sure, um…" harry says, still shocked as he continues scanning the faces around you. you laugh again, putting your hand on harry's arm as you guide him to the dining hall. "just us, don't worry. draco's sick in bed for the day."

harry's a bit relieved at your words, but gets the sense that you think harry's afraid of draco seeing you two together. he might not want it to happen for one reason or another, but he's not afraid. he just wants to be respectful. though he's not entirely sure why, as draco has never given him the same in return.

sitting down at an empty spot at the gryffindor table, you start making a plate for yourself with the plentiful food options in front of you. harry sits across from you, his heart racing thinking about everyone seeing [y/n] malfoy and harry potter spending time together. weren't they well-known enemies of the school? i thought they hated each other? what does draco think about this?

harry started eating his food along with you, a comfortable but strange silence falling over you two. he wasn't sure if he should break it by asking why you wanted to meet with him, and he wasn't sure if he really wanted to know why.

after a few minutes, you wipe your face with a napkin and set down your utensils. "harry, i wanted to tell you something."

really? harry's heart could only beat harder. that was the last thing he wanted to hear from you right now. he was already practically sweating from the anxiety.

harry waits patiently for you, his eyes fixed on yours. he notices just how pretty they are in comparison to your skin, hair, lips, it just all makes sense together, like someone was extensively planning a beautiful painting when it came to your features.

you seem a tad nervous before looking down at your food and continuing. "i've decided i would like to try and be friends, if you'd like that." you seem flustered, almost embarrassed to ask. "i know there's been a lot of complications since year 3 when i first asked to be civil, but…y'know, like i already let spill, i've really admired you my whole life and…"

harry has never seen you so nervous. it was totally endearing, your mannerisms, your quiet voice, like a pet wanting approval.

"and, i think i would just really love to spend some time with you. and learn how to forgive you, of course." you add on the last part with a bit of coldness. it subtly reminds harry of draco. but you flash him a smirk before taking another bite of food, and it's like draco never existed.

harry smiles warmly. just a year ago if you had asked him this he would've laughed in your face and ignored you because it angered him that you think you two could ever be friends. but harry's changed a lot since then, he sees the human in you, and he's no longer suspicious of your intentions. though his guard is still up, he's not sure it'll ever really come down, he wants to reach out to you now.

with another bite of his food as well, harry casually nods his head. "yeah, i think we could be friends."

more silence passes before you finish your plate. "well, to commemorate our newfound friendship," you say as you raise your glass to him. harry chuckles. "a toast after we've already eaten?" he asks incredulously. you roll your eyes slightly, a smile still poking at your lips. "just do it, potter."

potter. the nickname can only remind him of draco. but somehow, it feels different coming from your mouth, in your voice. it's not harsh, it's not condescending, if anything it's full of love and care. it's admirable.

harry picks up his own glass and clinks it against yours, still chuckling to himself. "to newfound friendship."

it had been a few weeks of you and harry hanging out, and he was over the moon about it. you two had wonderful chemistry together, he'd come to learn, and your sense of humor was enthralling to him. you were always able to get a smile out of him, even sometimes just from a single look. you both enjoyed reading and would spend hours at the library together, you enjoyed going to harry's last few quidditch matches of the year to cheer him on, and harry loved helping you study for your exams. the more time you spent together, the more harry had let his guard down around you. you were really starting to grow on him. he found himself thinking about you all the time, and not in a negative way like he used to for so many years.

now, when he thought of or saw you, his heart ached with how much he truly cared about you. he thought about the night you two ended up sneaking out together simply just to talk under the moonlight, where you told him everything about your complicated relationship with your family. he told you all about his fight against voldemort, the months he spent looking for horcruxes, and what it was like being the chosen one at such a young age. he remembers how intently you watched and listened to him. he had never met someone so intrigued by his life and feelings. you were extremely empathetic to what he had gone through, and it was refreshing to harry. he remembers looking at you under the moon, and thinking you were truly the most beautiful thing in the world, inside and out.

when he thought of or saw you, he remembered the time you spent together just before christmas, exchanging presents in the solitary of his bedroom. simple, small gifts wrapped perfectly and neatly with sentimental value for both of you. he thought about the hug you gave him as you left his room, his gift still in hand, holding him for a few moments longer than you normally did. the way you'd said, "happy christmas, harry," with the softest, sweetest voice in the world.

when harry thought of or saw you, all he could think about was the care and admiration he had for you that only grew with time. at first.

then, he thought about draco.

harry always thought about draco when he was with you. not that he wanted to, he wished he could focus all his attention on you in the moment, but you were still his sister. harry was reminded each time you gave him a bit of attitude or curled your lips away from him that you were, in fact, still a malfoy, and your time spent with him wouldn't be looked at favorably by anyone in your family. most especially draco.

harry never brought up the prospect of your family unprompted. he knew it was a sensitive subject, but he also knew it would never end well with you. one way or another, by the end of the school year, harry was leaving and you couldn't follow. as much as he loved being around you and valued your budding friendship, he knew it was destined to fail from the beginning. he was everything your family hated and spent their lives working against. he was the chosen one. though he's sacrificed many aspects of his life because of this title, you will undoubtedly be his most painful.

and he certainly never brought up draco, as the idea itself made him sick to his stomach. it was bad enough you were related to him, but the fact that you spent pretty much every moment with draco when you weren't with harry made his skin crawl. he knew your relationship with him was not negotiable. you loved draco so deeply it was almost foreign to harry. the way you talked about him that night under the moon and the experiences he's had to go through did make harry empathize with him more than he had previously, but he was still full of anger and hatred for the little blonde boy who tried to make harry's school years a living hell.

he was thinking this over as he examined a framed picture of your family sitting on your nightstand. harry had been to your room quite a few times this year to hang out, and he was always intrigued by this specific picture. your parents, sitting in elegant thrones with you and draco on either side. you looked so out of place. not because of your stance or expression, but you just simply looked different. if harry had never known, he would've never guessed you were born into the malfoy family.

"that's a terrible photo," you laugh at harry as you continue working on an assignment. you had asked him to come help you, but really you just wanted his presence near you. harry knew this. once he figured out that most of your invitations to "study together" just meant you wanted to be near him for an hour or so every day, he was extremely grateful to provide his help. he didn't mind being around you at all, actually.

"it's…definitely something," harry laughs off, taking his attention away from the photo and topic in general.

harry sits beside you on the bed, your back on your pillows as he sits with his feet on the ground. harry's just about to bring up something when you lean towards him, holding your book in your lap. "hey, can you explain this to me?" you ask, still looking down at your assignment on the other page. "i've read this like 10 times and i still don't get it," you point out a paragraph for harry as you scoot closer to him.

harry leans in, closer than he's ever been with you, and reads the passage to himself quietly. as he's reading, he can see you shifting nervously beside him. your hands were delicately holding the book open for him, still resting on your legs, his head just below yours.

"oh, uh, i think it's talking about…" harry starts off, trying to reread the difficult wording of the section. "bloody hell," he mumbles, frustrated, reaching for the book himself to get a better look at the paragraph. you chuckle breathily, and it hits the back of harry's neck. he immediately gets chills.

he looks up towards you, and your face is nearly touching his. he would've moved away sooner but he'd be damned if he didn't take this opportunity to truly appreciate just how deeply beautiful your eyes were right now.

not a moment later, your door opens from behind harry, and he doesn't even have to look to know who it is.

you both turn slowly to see draco standing in the doorway, his eyes flashing between you and harry sitting so closely on your bed. "dray," you gasp, standing up from beside harry.

harry's frozen. the look on draco's face is one of shock and disappointment. his lips curled down tightly, a familiar darkness growing in his eyes as he focuses on harry sitting on his sister's bed.

"so. i was right. you have been avoiding me." draco says towards you as he continues to glare at harry. harry stands with you, anger slowly growing inside of him for the situation at hand. this is the last way he wanted draco to find out you two were friends.

"dray, he was just helping–""i don't wanna hear it, [y/n]." draco interrupts you. this only pisses harry off more as his jaw clenches tightly.

a moment of silence passes briefly before draco speaks again. "i told you to stay away from him, did i somehow not make that clear?" draco's eyes divert to you, his stare even colder looking at you. you're stumbling looking for your words, but harry's anger gets the best of him in the moment.

"she can make her own decisions, malfoy."

draco's eyes snap back to harry, his fists balling up at his sides. your hand instinctively goes in front of harry as you step towards draco. "it would be wise of you to shut your bloody mouth now, potter. you were the one all over my baby sister in her bed just a moment ago." draco's words are leaking with rage, taking steps closer towards harry.

"dray, stop it," you warn him, now standing between him and harry.

"[y/n], you can't be fucking serious right now. you've loathed him for years. we both have. what are you doing? have you lost your mind? i'm genuinely asking," draco is dumbfounded at his sister's actions, scanning you up and down.

"that's not even true, draco, and you know that." you tell him in a cracking voice, tears stinging your eyes. harry wants nothing more than to save you from the heartache you're experiencing in this moment. part of him wants to hurt draco for making you cry. but, inside, harry knows you would want to handle this by yourself. anything he did to hurt draco was inadvertently hurting you as well.

"harry has been nothing but a good friend to me this semester. he's even helped me pass my exams. don't do this to me right now," you tell draco slowly, tears still threatening to fall.

draco rolls his eyes at your last statement. "oh, do what? try and keep you safe? you're being utterly ridiculous right now, [y/n], and you and i both know it."

harry can sense there's something he's missing here. you and draco keep referencing something you both understand that harry doesn't seem to.

you're clearly frustrated as the first few tears start to fall down your cheeks. "i know what i'm doing, dray. please, don't you trust me?" you ask desperately, your voice shaking.

draco softens watching you fall apart in front of him. his eyes aren't as dark, his fists come undone, and he sighs as he breaks his stare at you.

"of course i do." he states simply, his voice now more solemn than angry.

"then trust me when i say i trust harry," you say. draco winces at your statement. "i know there's complicated feelings there but i love you, dray, and i want to be honest about who i'm spending my time with," you level with draco, taking a step towards him.

he glances towards harry, a look of disdain still lingering in his eyes, but looks at you with an apologetic look. "you should've been honest from the beginning," he insists.

you sigh. "i know. i'm sorry. i felt terrible lying to you. you have to understand it was killing me, dray…" your voice breaks again as you try to compose yourself. "but you know how i've felt for a long time."

harry can't decipher the tone in your last statement, but you say it so convincingly he breaks his stare from draco to look down at you, tear-stained cheeks and, still, your eyes are so beautiful to harry. he looks back at draco, who's watching him in disgust before looking back at you lovingly.

draco's analyzing your expression as his body relaxes. he sighs again, bringing you in for a hug.

harry steps to the side awkwardly as you and draco hug for a moment. you're still sniffling by the time he pulls away, wiping your cheeks with a gentle thumb. harry watches closely. it's so strange to see draco this soft in his presence. not even harry could get in the way of draco's clear dedication to you as more than a brother, but as a protector.

for a moment, harry saw a side of draco he knew existed but never fully realized was so strong.

"i know, [y/n/n]. it's okay. i'm sorry." draco tells you softly, his hands still holding your cheeks. you smile, tearfully, putting your hands on his before holding them in front of you. draco takes them back, fixing his shirt before looking at harry with a blank expression.

harry stays quiet. there's a lot he wants to say, but he waits for draco to break the silence.

"as for you, potter…" draco says, his voice less angry than before but still contained. harry looks at him expectedly. he's easily taller than draco now, and practices for quidditch way more than draco does anymore, so harry definitely has some muscle on him. if he were to ever try anything, harry wasn't afraid.

draco takes a moment to collect his thoughts before speaking. "while my beautiful sister is putting it lightly, my feelings towards you are more than complicated," he spits out, the anger seeping through before he breaks his stare and controls himself. "but," he says, a softness in his voice.

"she's a smart girl, and i trust that she's not making a mistake spending her time with you." draco looks at you with a hint of a smile before looking back at harry with a stoic expression. "and while i may not like it, we're adults now, and i'm no longer a threat to you," draco says simply before his face sours. "unless you so much as upset her just once, i swear to merlin potter–""draco." you interrupt his rage harshly, your eyes cold as ice as you caught his gaze.

harry smirks, but wipes it away so as to not make the situation worse. draco lets out an annoyed huff before apologizing to you curtly.

"well, best be on my way then, don't want to interrupt you two," draco says with a sneer, turning to the door. "i'll still see you for dinner tonight, right?" you ask eagerly, following and opening the door for draco. he nods. "of course," he says simply, leaning in to give you a gentle kiss on top of your head. with another dirty look at harry, draco turns and leaves silently.

you close the door with a shaky sigh, and harry's immediately coming to your side to comfort you. "[y/n], i'm so sorry that happened how it did. i never wanted to cause issues with you and draco," he explains, his hand instinctively reaching for your back to rub it comfortingly.

you're still collecting yourself, facing the door, turned away from harry as you sniffle and wipe your eyes. "it's okay," you say in a broken voice.

harry's heart aches at the sound. all he wants is to comfort you, hold you close, tell you it's okay to cry with him…

but he doesn't, because he knows he shouldn't.

"it's not okay, look how upset you are," harry says, bending down slightly to your height. "look, i wouldn't be upset if you told me you didn't want to see me anymore. your relationship with draco is important to you, and the last thing i want to do is complicate it," harry tells you softly.

you snap your head at him with a concerned look, eyes red from crying. "wh-what? no, i…don't say that," you stutter over yourself. you take a step towards harry, only a few inches apart at this point.

"harry, i want you in my life. even if draco didn't understand i would still…" you trail off, your eyes starting to water again as you blink the tears away. "i want you, harry," you say, your voice trembling with fear.

harry's mind is spinning hearing you say this. he's looking down at you, so close to him, so vulnerable, willing to lose what's closest to you just for him. you're so beautiful, so full of light, and so much more complex than he ever imagined. he's never felt so many feelings about one person so intensely all at once.

the only thing he knows, the only thing he can rely on, is that he wants you too.

harry's lost in your eyes for several seconds before he can respond. "i want you in my life, too," he says just above a whisper.

you smile, still a bit sad, but you seem fulfilled with his answer. stepping back and towards your bed, still wiping your eyes, you chuckle half-heartedly to yourself. "didn't think you'd see me cry so easily," you say, a little embarrassed as you shake your head. "i tried to fight it, but…" you continued laughing to yourself.

harry followed you, still giving you your space. he watched as you sat down on your bed with a sigh, your body still shaking from the rush. "it's okay to cry," he says, holding himself back from what he really wants to say. "i'm just sorry it happened this way,"

you give harry a half smile before looking away nervously. "he was going to figure it out soon, anyways. i've been spending more and more time 'studying with the girls' than i ever have, and he was getting suspicious," you tell him, shaking your head again.

harry chuckles to himself. he found it sweet that you made excuses to spend time with him, even if it meant sacrificing time with draco. he felt special, he couldn't lie. "so, i'm one of the girls now?" harry teases, crossing his arms with a smirk. you roll your eyes, holding in a giggle. "shut up," you whine, your cheeks going red. "it was the only thing i could come up with, okay?"

"no, no, it's funny," harry says with a shrug. you still give him a look, but reach for your textbook you left at the end of the bed. "whatever. can you just help me now?" you ask, still holding back a laugh with a suppressed smile.

harry just laughs and agrees, joining  the bed next to you as he attempts to help you with the assignment. soon it was like draco was never there, and you were back to laughing, joking, sitting in comfortable silence together until you had to leave for dinner.

with a quick hug and a lingering goodbye, you separated down the hall from each other. harry thought about you the entire way to his room, and for the rest of the night by himself.  it's not like harry never thought about you, of course, he certainly did more than he thought he should, but tonight was just different. he thought about what you said to draco, how you defended him so quickly, how you put yourself on the line to ask for draco's trust in that moment. it was like watching you turn your back on your family all over again.

harry had to admit he felt guilty. he's really grown to care about you since getting closer with you, and he hates to think he's constantly going to get in the way of your relationship with your family like he has already. just by being his friend you're already putting so much at risk, he'd hate to think about what would happen if things ever went further…

harry really has stop having these thoughts about you. he's just your friend, and he doesn't even know how he feels about you. sure, his feelings aren't complicated with anger or hatred anymore, but if anything they're even more confusing now. harry knew this would happen, that's why he built that wall between you and him in the first place. some part of him just knew one day you would be trouble.

but now, on the other side of that wall, harry was ready for the trouble. he was going to take it head on.

he didn't care what draco thought, or your parents, or anyone else, not even himself. all he cared about was that you made him happy, and he seemed to have the same affect on you. as long as harry focused on that, the rest was just noise.

a few months later the snow was melting, the school year was wrapping up, and you and harry were still going strong. as friends, anyway.

things became a lot more natural between you and harry after draco walked in on you two that day. you no longer felt the need to hide your time spent with harry. you were bringing him everywhere and he was doing the same with you. you got along perfectly with ron and hermione despite their hesitations at first, even becoming especially close to hermione with all of your similar interests and beliefs.

harry eventually met your friends too and got along with them just as well. soon you were together pretty much every day studying with friends, playing quidditch for fun, or going to diagon alley to window shop. harry more than enjoyed his time spent with you, and felt empty on the days he couldn't manage to see you for even a moment. you were so full of light you just made everything better, and harry couldn't get enough of it.

in fact, it was over this time that harry started to figure out that maybe what he was feeling towards you was more than just complicated guilt. maybe he didn't just really care about you, or find you really pretty, or really wanted to hold you when you were sad or scared; maybe, just maybe, he was starting to really like the malfoy sister.

this came as no surprise to him once he figured it out, really. since the literal first minute he saw you at just 12 years old he knew you were special. he was mesmerized from the moment you entered his life. even through every crush and short-lived girlfriend he's had these past few years, you were always more interesting to him.

it took a long time for harry to come around to his own feelings and emotions. he's simply never had the time to truly work out why he feels what he feels, or what causes certain sensations in his body. all he knew was that your eyes made his heart ache in a way that nobody else's did. not because he hates you, but, really, quite the opposite, actually.

even if he came to terms with his growing feelings for you, he tried to not let them get in the way of your friendship together. you were constantly thanking harry for dedicating his time to you, for spending long nights just talking with you, for helping you in every way he possibly could. he knew how much you valued your friendship with him, and so did he, so he pushed those other feelings to the side and tried to keep things friendly between you two.

however, it was getting to a point where harry could barely spend more than a few minutes thinking about anything outside of you. he brought you up constantly when you weren't around, everything reminded him of you, his entire mind was stained with you and it was starting to have an effect. ron and hermione had teased him for being so lovesick for a malfoy, which he shrugged off. he knew you were different, you weren't just a malfoy, you were entirely your own. he'd never met someone like you, you made him feel things he didn't even know were possible.

soon harry knew his feelings would grow to the point that they would begin interfering with how he acted with you. you already made him nervous just by being so pretty and comfortable around him, constantly making jokes and teasing him in a friendly way that just made harry feel so giddy inside. he knew soon his thoughts of you would start to get in the way of how he looked at you, how he talked to you, and it scared him. harry couldn't lose you now, you'd very quickly become an important part of his life that made him feel complete. his silly crush could never matter as much as his friendship with you.

there was a dinner being held for the last year students this weekend, and harry was trying to figure out a casual way to ask you to go with him so it felt friendly. he didn't want to be too casual and make you think he was asking as a last minute effort, but he also didn't want to be too formal and make you think he'd been thinking about this date for months. which, in reality, he had, and it was stressing him out.

harry finally figured he would just ask you like he'd ask you to do anything else with him, but he also wanted to wait for the right moment. however, he was running out of time, and you had been unexpectedly busy this past week so he's barely seen you. it's only a few days until then, and he still hasn't even found a formal outfit to wear, because he might not even go if you're not beside him.

luckily, harry had planned a time to meet with you tonight to 'study', which, again,  usually involved you two sitting with open books as you chat about everything except class.

harry was on his way to the slytherin common room, a pep in his step as he tried to encourage himself to ask you without fear of rejection or judgment. it's just you, he knows you'll be kind either way, but he really wants you to say yes and he's not sure how he'll react to any other answer.

upon entering, you're already sitting and waiting for him on the sofa. slumped into the curve of the cushions, your nose buried in a book as your head is held up with a throw pillow. harry thinks you look so precious, all curled up with a book, it's tough for him to break you out of your daze.

but harry clears his throat, and you jump a little before smiling at him. "harryyy," you call out, closing your book as you throw your arms up for a hug.

harry comes over and leans down to give you a half hug. he doesn't realize just how much he's missed you until he catches a whiff of your perfume, and he's practically melting over you once again. everything about you intoxicates him.

"i've missed you, [y/n]," harry says before letting go. he sits across from you on the sofa, setting his bag down on the ground beside his feet. "i've missed you too, sorry things got so crazy," you laugh.

harry waves his hand at you. "don't worry about it. i'm just glad you were free tonight," he says, admiring you in the light of the fireplace. you just get more beautiful with time. something about you tonight is different, maybe it's your hair, maybe it's your comfy clothes, but harry's completely captivated by you in this moment.

you catch up with each other briefly, with harry mostly happily listening to you describe all the time you've spent with friends recently and the projects you've been working on for classes. he loves to listen to you tell stories, he just finds you so funny and endearing and could listen to you laugh all day if you'd let him.

after a while, harry builds the courage to bring up the dinner this weekend. he's just about to open his mouth when someone comes down the stairs into the common room.

draco, of course.

his icy stare lands on harry, and his face naturally twists in disgust. he looks at you, and the disgust drops to a neutral expressions. "[y/n]. potter." he says simply.

"hey, dray, where are you off to?" you ask, your eyes gesturing to his bag. draco shrugs, his eyes returning to harry with disdain. "just going out for a bit. need new shoes for  dinner this saturday." he says, making his way to the door as he adjusts his over-the-shoulder bag.

"oh, shit, i forgot that's this weekend. do you have your suit?" you ask, your face dropping in concern. "i've got it. i'll see you later, okay?" draco says curtly as he opens the door. "okay," you say with a smile, waving as he leaves.

harry was suddenly hit with a realization he hadn't thought of before. of course. he felt so stupid not even considering it. what if you were already going with draco? he's your brother, and practically your best friend, of course you'd have to go with him.

harry tried not to think about draco much anymore, so it must've slipped his mind. he's seen him a few times since that day in your room when he found out you two were friends. mostly in passing, like what just happened, or in an awkward exchange as you went from hanging out with draco to spending time with harry like some strange divorced parent agreement.

other than that, draco was just your brother to harry, and though you brought him up a number of times, he was mostly a topic to avoid. so, harry forgot, and now he's even more nervous to ask you if you'd rather go to dinner with him this weekend.

"it's crazy draco's going to his last year dinner already…" you interrupt harry's thoughts, your voice trailing off. harry looks at you, and you're lost in thought. you look at him and smirk, reaching to push his shoulder. "and so are you! damn, you're old," you joke, trying to hide your laugh.

harry rolls his eyes, but you manage to get a laugh out of him. "have you asked someone yet? draco's taking that greengrass girl i believe, or at least he wanted to if he hasn't already chickened out," you say, still laughing.

harry can breathe a sigh of relief. he's not sure what he would've done if you were already going with draco. he had been trying to plan the perfect night since christmas.

"uh, actually, since you've already asked, i was hoping that you'd maybe like to join me?" harry asks, his eyes nervously shifting away from yours.

"oh," you say, clearly taken aback. harry's gaze meet yours again, and he's instantly sweating at your reaction. "unless, y'know, you don't want to, or…i'm sure someone's asked you already," harry interjects, trying to laugh it off entirely.

you're watching harry closely, your cheeks slowly turning red. "um, no, actually, no one's asked, and…i would love to go with you, i just…" you trail off again, your eyes still wide with surprise.

harry prepares himself for rejection. he knows there's a number of reasons you'd say no, and draco's at the top of the list.

"frankly, i have nothing to wear," you say, a bit embarrassed as your blush only deepens. harry breathes yet another sigh of relief. you always manage to put him through so many emotions and you don't even realize it.

"you could be wearing a paper bag and i'd just be glad you're standing next to me," harry tells you with a laugh. you drop your head, clearly flustered.

when you look up at harry, you have a shy smile pinching your cheeks. he thinks you look so adorable, knees to your chest, completely flushed, giggling like a nervous school girl. "well, then, i'd love to go with you, harry. but no paper bag. maybe after dinner." you tease him.

harry laughs with you, but part of him wonders if you're flirting with him a bit.

the rest of the night was spent joking, laughing, and enjoying the warmth of the fire together. before harry left, you thanked him for asking you, even if it was such short notice you'd have to spend all day shopping tomorrow. "don't feel pressured, i'm sure you'd look beautiful in whatever you already have," harry had told you, eager to get a blush out of you again.

when you did, harry smiled proudly and gave you a warm hug goodbye. he was practically skipping back to his room to tell ron he'd finally asked you, and that you'd actually said yes. ron was happy for harry, teasing him for taking so long, but nothing could bring harry down. even if he just meant it as being friendly, as he's sure you did as well, this was still a date in his mind.

and, shit, he still needed an outfit.

the night of the dinner, harry waited patiently outside the dining hall doors with his gift for you in hand. there was a soft mumbling coming from the dining hall as people began gathering, speaking to each other, and listening to the small band playing instrumental music. however, all harry can hear is his blood pumping through his ears as he nervously waits to see you for the first time tonight.

harry went for a simple suit, all black, nothing too showy or special as he wasn't sure what you were wearing. he actually hadn't been able to speak with you since the night he asked you to come with him, only agreeing to meet you right here just before he'd left the slytherin common room. his heart was pounding, and he felt like a young teen again, waiting for his crush to come around the corner. but he wasn't a kid anymore, and you were so much more than just a first year crush. you were everything.

harry hears someone walking up behind him, and as he turns, he's instantly drawn to you. walking arm in arm with draco, also dressed in all black, you're wearing a dark green dress that fits you perfectly, hugging your waist and hips like it was tailor fit. it's floor-length, with an off-the-shoulder neckline, and your hair is twisted up into a curly, elegant bun, with multiple curls hanging out for a casual look.

your outfit and hair are nothing, however, in comparison to just how beautiful your smile is.

harry's absolutely captivated by you. he knew you'd look beautiful, like he said, you could make a paper bag work, but he didn't think it was possible for a single person to be so striking. he was sure he looked like a complete fool, jaw slack open as he stared into your beautiful eyes from down the hall, but he truly couldn't help himself. you were everything.

"[y/n]," he manages to say once you're closer. "you look incredible," he says, his eyes never leaving yours. you smile, turning towards draco with a growing blush.

harry looks at draco, who's already staring at him with a tight jaw and narrowed eyes.

"draco," harry greets him, trying to be courteous. "potter," draco spits out, seeing through him.

you slightly roll your eyes, motioning for draco to go into the dining hall without you. "i'm sure daphne's waiting for you," you tease him with a smirk, pushing him along. draco gives harry a dirty look the entire time he passes him, and even until he's left the hall.

harry can't bring himself to care. all he can think about right now is you.

he's so mesmerized by you he forgets he has something in his hands, nearly dropping the slim box before gripping it tightly again, clearing his throat to break his focus.

"what's that?" you ask, looking at the simple black box in harry's grasp. harry can hear the smirk in your voice, knowing it's for you.

"i-i don't know, guess you'll have to open it to see," he says, handing it over to you. you scoff at him, still smirking as you accept the gift.

upon opening it, you gasp. a beautiful necklace with green gemstones that match your dress perfectly. "harry…" you gasped, staring at the jewelry in your hands. "it's beautiful…and, my dress, how did you know?" you ask in disbelief. harry just chuckles. "you have green everything, my little slytherin," he reminds you.

you blush again, handing harry the necklace. "put it on me?" you ask, turning around and holding up the curls that might be in his way.

harry nervously unclasped the necklace and put it on you, taking extra care to let his hands graze across the skin of your neck more times than what was necessary.

as you turn around, harry's heart races. it's perfect. it matches your dress, it looks amazing on your skin, and it pulls your entire look together. it draws the perfect amount of attention to your beautiful shoulders and collarbones. harry was extra proud of himself for this one.

looking down at it, you touch the necklace carefully, admiring it. "i spent forever looking for a necklace for tonight, and i couldn't find one i liked, but…it's perfect, harry, thank you," you say, throwing your hands around harry's neck as you embrace him tightly. harry smiles, his heart still racing as he pulls you in close. "thank you for coming with me tonight. i didn't want to come at all if it wasn't with you." he tells you, placing a soft kiss on your head just in front of your curly bun. you give him a shy smile before pulling him to the dining room.

it was an incredible night together. ron and hermione had quickly found you both, and hermione was gushing over how good you looked the entire time. ron was watching her with so much love in his eyes it made harry a little sick, but he was happy for his friends. he gave ron a knowing look, which ron just shook his head at and escorted himself and hermione away to get drinks.

as you and harry made your rounds around the room, meeting up with friends and stopping to say hello to professors, harry noticed just how many people were watching you and whispering amongst themselves. you two had spent plenty of time together this year, so it wasn't necessarily a shock to see the boy who lived hanging out with the malfoy sister anymore, but people were seemingly still stunned by the fact that you came with him tonight, and that you looked as good as you did.

after a while of mingling, harry caught draco's stare from across the room. his arm was entwined with his date's, but his full attention was on you and harry. he rolled his eyes at harry and walked away, pulling his date with him. harry shrugged him off and his attention turned back to you.

beautiful, perfect, effortless you.

your arm was wrapped around his in the same way, as it had been all night. harry expected himself to be incredibly nervous and awkward tonight seeing you so dolled up to be his date, as a friend, of course. but he was surprised at how natural everything felt with you. it always had, nothing ever felt forced between you two, conversation and smiles seemed to just flow naturally without either of you trying. it just made sense to harry, being with you, holding you close to him, being together in front of everyone. it was all he'd wanted for so long.

sitting down to eat dinner, you quickly made conversation with hermione and ron as harry took the seat to your left, admiring you as you laughed with hermione over something he hadn't heard. you just looked so beautiful tonight under these candlelights, in the necklace harry picked out for you, the jewels falling just above the curve of your breasts spilling from your dark dress.

as you leaned forward to whisper something to hermione, harry got the perfect view of your chest from his seat, his eyes lingering for a moment too long before ron noticed and started snickering at him.

harry gave ron a look, kicking his foot under the table.

once dinner is served, the hall quiets as everyone enjoys their plates and drinks. some small talk is shared between bites, multiple glasses are drunk amongst you, ron, harry, and hermione, and the laughter continues throughout dinner.

before dessert comes, you and hermione take a short trip to the bathroom, leaving harry with ron. they laugh once they're alone, out of habit.

"i know i give you a hard time, but really, harry, i think [y/n]'s good for you. i haven't seen you this smitten in a long time, not since you dated my sister," ron teases, taking a sip of his drink as he chuckles to himself.

harry gives him a look, but can't help the smile growing on his face. "thanks, ron. but we're just here as friends. not like you and hermione," harry tries to turn the teasing back to ron, cocking his eyebrow with a knowing smile.

ron rolls his eyes. "please, at least i can say she's my girlfriend. you don't wanna be friends with [y/n] and you know it," ron responds, not giving in.

harry stays quiet.

as you and hermione return, giggling from across the table, you put a hand on harry's neck down to his shoulder to steady yourself as you sat in your dress.

harry got the shivers, but gave you a friendly smile as you met his eyes. you took back your hand, smiling at him in return.

while eating dessert, harry can feel draco staring at him again from somewhere in the room, but he can't bring himself to care enough to find his gaze. if draco wants to watch harry enjoy his date with draco's beautiful sister, he can spend all night watching for all that harry cares.

harry's thoughts are interrupted as he hears you let out a soft moan beside him. your spoon is left in your mouth as you pull it out slowly, your eyes closed delicately. harry watches discreetly, not wanting to draw ron and hermione's attention from their own conversation, but he's enamored with the way you let the spoon leave your lips, enjoying the dessert in front of you.

"so yummy," you say happily, your eyes rolling over to harry. he turns to look at you fully with a chuckle. "yes, very yummy," he teases you.

you narrow your eyes at him. "you're yummy," you tell him, laughing. harry's stunned before you continue. "i didn't even get to tell you, but you do look really good tonight, harry. you clean up well." you say softly, your words just for him.

harry's still a bit stunned, but tried to not let his nerves get in the way. "well, thank you, [y/n]. and, i never got to tell you as much as i should have tonight, but, you just…amaze me with how stunning you are," harry sighs, not caring how lovesick he looks as he continues to admire you, a true work of art sitting right beside him.

you chuckle, taking your bottom lip in your mouth. harry memorizes every detail of you, never wanting to forget how lucky he is to have you beside him  tonight.

"thank you, harry. it was a bit difficult for me, all this, just reminds me of home…" you say, gesturing to the grand dinner party going on around you. harry gives you a sympathetic look and a reassuring hand on your knee. you look at him, your eyes sending more shivers down harry's spine.

"we can leave whenever you're ready," harry tells you with a soft smile and lingering gaze. "you just say the word and we'll go 'study' in pajamas," he's only half joking.

you laugh at him again, but harry believes it's full of love. "there's nowhere i'd rather be," you assure him, putting your own hand on his knee.

harry blushes like crazy at the contact, but just laughs you off again.

after dessert the band starts playing more upbeat music, and the floor is cleared towards the front of the room for people to dance. you pull harry to the floor, along with a number of other couples, and start dancing with him. harry's not a very skilled dancer, so he just follows your lead and has fun moving around with you randomly, letting himself be free as the music and other people dancing relaxes his nerves.

after a while of dancing separately, you grab harry's hand and begin dancing closer to him, still laughing and smiling as you twirl yourself around, making him laugh as well. harry starts playfully moving with you, bringing you closer to him and further away, again and again until you're a giggling mess in his arms, practically falling all over him.

just as harry's enjoying the feeling of you in his arms, draco comes out of nowhere just beside him. "[y/n]," he snaps, trying to contain himself.

you look at draco, your smile fading at his irritated expression. "i'm leaving, just thought you should know." his words bitter, examining you entwined in harry's arms.

"draco," you start to say, but he's already making his way around you to the back door. you try to go after him instinctually, but harry pulls you back. "stay here, i'll talk to him," he says, surprising both you and himself as you turn to look at him. hermione comes up beside harry, watching the interaction from afar.

"harry…" you warn him. but harry gives you a reassuring squeeze of the hand, already heading for the door himself. "trust me?" he says, letting you go and turning away as hermione grabs your hand instead and begins asking what happened.

as harry enters the hallway, he sees draco's turned back heading away from the dining hall.

"draco," harry calls out, causing draco to stop in his tracks.

he turns to harry, an odd look on his face before he scoffs. "did she really send you to try and talk to me, or are you just dumber than i originally thought?" draco responds, shoving his hand in his pocket.

"no, i came to talk to you. i'm tired of this, draco. can't you just let [y/n] and i be friends?" harry asks, trying to contain his own anger.

draco only rolls his eyes harder, making his way towards harry with an angry step. "oh, please, potter, you're not fooling anyone. and, frankly, neither is she anymore." draco retorts, stopping a few feet away from harry with a nod to the dining hall doors.

harry's confused at his statement, and draco can tell just from the look on his face, which only makes him angrier. "you're clearly shagging my sister. and to top it all off, you made her your little date for the night in front of everyone here. and, honestly, you should be kissing the ground i walk on for letting you even so much as look at her, you fucking pig." draco's words are dripping venom, clearly having the words ready to spew in harry's face.

harry is dumbfounded, and actually outwardly laughs at draco's statement. draco takes another step towards harry, visibly turning red with anger. "don't make me fucking kill you, i'd hate to hurt my sister's feelings like that." 

harry just continues to chuckle, his arms crossing. "well, as flattered as i am that you think she'd shag me, we're just friends. really." harry informs him, a smirk on his face.

draco looks at him confused, his expression falling for only a moment before returning. "well then, you still clearly like her. and you're not very good at hiding it, either." he says, his voice faltering as he steps back.

harry can't disagree with him there. as much as he hates draco, he's not going to lie to him and say he doesn't have feelings for his sister when he knows he does. it's just not right.

"and so what if i do, huh? it's our last month of classes, malfoy. after this you'll never hear her talk about me again. is that what you want? because that's what's going to happen." harry says, his anger seeping through again as he admits what he believes to be true.

draco is in even more disbelief than before. he just looks at harry like he's joking. "are you being serious or are you trying to fuck with me?" he asks, examining harry from head to toe.

harry's even more confused. "what?"

draco turns away, chuckling to himself in both disbelief and anger. "i was right, you are dumber than i thought," he starts out, giving harry a look before turning away again. harry's hands ball into fists before he releases them, letting out an angry huff.

"[y/n]'s clearly all over you, spending all her time with you, you're all she ever bloody talks about anymore, fucking hell i thought you were shagging her, for god's sake," draco rants, his back still turned to harry. "she's been obsessed with you since we were kids. all she ever asked me, 'what's harry like, draco? is harry potter really that brave, draco?' blah blah blah," draco mocks you in a high pitched voice.

"and just when i thought she had found some sense in her and loathed you along with me for a few years, you trapped her again with your fucking namesake and…god knows what else she sees in you," draco sneers back at harry, turning to him once again.

"so yeah, excuse me while i watch my baby sister, my only solace in this lifetime, practically throw herself all over you at this pathetic party," draco gestures back to the room, his eyes cold as ice as he continues staring through harry.

harry's stunned by draco's outburst, but is more stunned that he thinks you may like harry back.

they stand there for a moment, examining each other, draco breathing heavily and unevenly as he tries to regain his composure.

harry's not sure exactly what he should say to him in this moment, so he just speaks the truth, the only thing he knows. "i care about [y/n], draco,"

draco rolls his eyes for another time. "no, really, draco. i do, and i have this whole time. i don't know if she feels the same, but, quite honestly, i don't care. all i know is that she makes me happy, and i hope i can do the same for her. that's all." harry tells draco, his eyes searching for a response.

draco just watches harry for a moment, his expression unreadable as he finds the words to respond.

he sighs, his body language completely shifting as he turns away from harry, his hand covering his face in distress. "you're an idiot if you think she doesn't. she turned her back on us, on me, because she was fighting for you. she was never like my parents." draco says softly, his anger fading.

"she was fighting for what was right." harry reminds him, making draco laugh sarcastically as he moves on.

"you know, she's the only thing i care about. the only person i not only tolerate, but actually love." draco says even softer before turning to scowl at harry again. "when she chose you that day, i wasn't surprised. i wasn't even mad. [y/n]'s always been that way. it's part of the reason why i keep her so close to me." draco's words are the nicest they've been directed at harry all night.

"now i know you wouldn't understand family love, potter," draco smirks, causing harry to bite his tongue. "but that girl is everything to me. when she trusts you, when she believes in you, when she turned her back to me in hopes i could see what she sees in you…" draco trails off a bit before turning away again.

"i know she's right."

harry's more than shocked at draco's words. he can barely process his sentiment before draco continues talking, making his way down the hall.

"so, again, i may not like it, but i'll try to be civil. if you, just, please, potter," draco turns one last time, a slight smirk on his face. "for my sake. just ask the damn girl on a date so she'll shut the hell up about it."

with that, draco's gone and around the corner, out of harry's sight.

harry's left alone with his thoughts, the muffled music from the dining hall filling the air around him.

he can hardly comprehend what draco's just told him, both about you and about his belief in harry. but mostly when it comes to you.

you. alone in the dining hall.

just as harry turns, you're opening the door, your sweet face twisted with worry as you search the halls behind him. "where's draco?" you ask urgently, making your way out of the doorway as it closes behind you.

harry's hands go to your shoulders, and you look at him. he smiles down at you, his mind spinning as he examines your beautiful face still pointed with concern.

"he's fine. we talked."

you give harry another shocked look like earlier, your mouth slightly open. "you and draco?" you ask in disbelief.

harry just chuckles at you, looking you up and down again to fully appreciate just how good you looked in front of him. "have i told you how beautiful you look tonight?" harry asks, his eyes still wandering. knowing you seem to like him as well, harry takes this opportunity to test the waters with you.

you instantly blush, but you give harry a knowing look. "yes, harry. now, what did you talk about?" you ask suspiciously.

harry, again, just chuckles, pulling you to his side as he turns to the hall. "let's get out of here, hm?" he asks, already leading you away.

"oh, but, hermione and ron?" you ask suddenly, gesturing back to the party. harry shakes his head. "they won't mind."

you're a bit confused as harry continues to lead you towards the gryffindor common room, but he distracts you with plenty of compliments and questions asking if you enjoyed yourself tonight.

harry then leads you to his room where his nerves finally hit him. he had been confident until now, but it was make or break  time. if draco was right and you did actually like harry, he was finally ready to make his move.

what that move was exactly, he's not sure.

but again, things with you are so natural, and once you close the door, it only feels right for harry to come up to you against the doorway. he smiles down at you, a nervous, blushing, beautiful angel just within his grasp.

without thinking, harry's mouth does the talking for him.

"[y/n]," he starts, his heart racing as you look up at him innocently. "can i kiss you?"

you're clearly shocked by his question, but don't miss the chance to eagerly nod your head, already leaning towards harry. he smiles, gently pushing you against the door as his lips finally lock with yours.

the kiss is urgent, needy, but full of longing and love. your hands find their way to harry's neck instantly, and his continue to linger against your shoulders. your body arches into his, clearly already wanting more just from a short kiss.

harry isn't stopping anytime soon though, as he's thought of this moment longer than he's planned to ask you to dinner tonight.

he savors everything about your kiss. your enchanting smell, the softness of your lips, the moans rumbling from the back of your throat; all of it is driving him crazy, but he's insistent on enjoying the moment for what it simply was. a kiss he's wanted so long from a beautiful girl he thought he could never have.

however, you're not as keen on savoring anything as you only become more desperate under harry's lips. your tongue is quickly involved, though harry's not complaining as you explore his mouth with hunger.

he's a bit flustered at your boldness, but isn't afraid of it. if anything harry only enjoys seeing you quickly submit to your desire for him. he wasn't sure how this would go, but clearly you've wanted this as badly as he has, if not even worse.

his hands finally begin to wander as he traces your collarbones lightly, his fingers running over the jewels of the necklace he bought you. "look so pretty in my gift," harry tells you between kissing you. you moan in response, your hips finding harry's as you only bring him closer to you.

before long you're dragging harry to his bed, his hands falling from your shoulders to your waist and down to your hips. 

you sit on his bed, and your hand instantly lands on harry's belt, lingering fingers on the cold metal. harry just looks at you in shock. he didn't expect you to initiate anything like this so quickly.

"u-uh…" is all he can say with you looking up at him like that, your eyes already drooping so seductively as you messed with his buckle innocently.

"please?" you taunt him, your finger making its way down his semi erected cock under his slacks.

harry sighs. he wants to, he really wants to, but he wonders if it's too much all at once for you. he doesn't want you to think this is all he was looking for.

"[y/n]...i, i really like you…you don't have to–""i like you too, harry," you interrupt him, a sweet smile on your bitten lips. "i want this. so bad. please. you don't have to, but…" you practically beg, your fingers still toying with the latch of the belt as you bring your pouted lips closer to it.

harry sighs again, his hand stroking your hair as he admires you from above. so pretty, so innocent. it's like you wanted him to ruin all of that.

"i want to, but, you don't have to," harry reminds you, his cheeks starting to turn red. you giggle, and it only makes harry even more turned on. "i want to, but, you don't have to," you mock him, slowly unbuckling his belt and slacks.

harry chuckles nervously, watching you intently. he really does want to, and as long as you want to as well, who's he to deny you of what you both want?

soon your mouth is wrapped around the tip of his cock through his briefs, your warm tongue laid flat across the head as you continue watching harry's expression through your eyelashes.

his head is rolling back in pleasure already, his erection only getting more uncomfortable as it hardens in response to you.

you help him take his underwear off, and your lips reattach to the head of his cock, your tongue licking his precum. he's watching you with a lax jaw, his eyebrows furrowed as you continue running your tongue in circles around the sensitive tip.

he's already in pure bliss, his hand finding your hair again as he continues to admire you. even when you're in such a filthy position below him, you still look so soft and beautiful.

from this angle he has the perfect view of your breasts, and you notice his eyes flickering from your own down to your chest. pulling your lips off of harry, you pull down the neckline of your dress and let your tits pop out of the restricting fabric.

harry can hardly believe the sight he's witnessing in front of him.

before he can try to process just how incredibly sexy you look with your elegant dress pulled down below your tits, your mouth returned to his throbbing cock, along with your hands. you start to bring more of him into your mouth, using your hands to stroke him slowly. harry was practically thrusting into your hands and mouth at that point, desperate for relief.

you can see how worked up harry's getting, so you stop, much to his disappointment. you have harry lay on his bed as you make a show taking your dress the rest of the way off along with your shoes and stockings. once you're left only in your panties, you get back on top of harry to kiss him again.

"so fucking beautiful, darling," harry growls into your lips, his hands grabbing for your tits. you giggle, your hands going to harry's button up as you start to take it off of him.

once it comes off, you pull harry back into the kiss. his hand travel down to your hips as you start grinding against his throbbing cock. "baby, please," he pleads, the teasing becoming too much.

you giggle again, sliding your panties off carefully with harry's help. he also helps you line yourself up with him as you slowly lower yourself onto harry's cock.

your eyes roll in pleasure, a slight whimper of discomfort escaping your lips as harry's hand goes to your face, comforting you. "slow, my love," he reminds you, guiding your hips with his other hand.

once you're starting to moan in pleasure, your speed increases, your eyes locking with harry's as you already feel pressure begin to build inside you.

just looking at him makes you whimper pathetically. "god, harry, i've wanted this for so long," you tell him, leaning down for another kiss as you readjust your position on top of him.

harry's hands trace the curves of your body as you continue riding him, his thoughts incoherent as the pleasure rises by the second. your heavy breathing into his ear and beautiful body against his in the lowlight of his room is everything he's ever wanted.

"wanted you so bad, [y/n]," harry moans as you sit back up, your tits bouncing as you grind down into harry's cock.

he admires your body, your perfect curves, your insane hips, and he's even more turned on. you're already truly perfect in every way, but you have the most phenomenal body harry's ever witnessed to top it all off.

"you're perfect," he tells you, his hands gripping for your hips and ass. you giggle, your hand covering your flustered smile as you continue whimpering and whining, riding him into your own oblivion.

"h-harry…" your voice is so broken it only makes harry hungrier, his hips thrusting upwards slightly into you to relieve the tension. "fuck," he cries, his eyes going dark just watching you fall apart for him.

"harry…please…" you lean back down, your lips grazing his ear as you made your request. "cum inside me?"

harry's in disbelief, he pulls you back to see if you're joking, but you're only looking at him hopefully through hooded eyes, still riding his cock in perfect rhythm.

"are you crazy, [y/n]?" he asks with a laugh, his eyes searching yours for any sign of sarcasm, his stomach still tightening in overwhelming pleasure.

"yes. for you." you tell him seriously, your pace quickening on top of him, your tits bouncing against harry's chest. he winces from the rush of pleasure.

"f-fuck, [y/n]," he utters, barely able to hold himself bsck.

you moan, your hands grabbing harry's as you pin them down beside him. "mm, keep moaning my name like that, harry, you're gonna make me cum already…" you tell him, your face resting against his.

harry moans your name repeatedly, only getting more and more desperate as you pleasure yourself using his cock. he was almost completely lost in the moment before you squealed, your hands squeezing harry's as you tightened around his cock, your hips stuttering as you ride out your high, breathing heavily.

harry's overwhelmed with the feeling and sight of you orgasming on him, your face twisting as you moan his name in return, filthy sounds escaping your innocent lips. he's getting closer before he remembers what you asked him.

"i'm, [y/n], i'm gonna cum," harry says as you're still moving your hips to satisfy your climax. you moan again, letting your head fall into harry's neck as you continue holding down his hands. your pace quickens again, and harry is a mess under you.

"cum inside me harry, please, give it to me, i'm yours, i want to be all yours, please, please, harry, breed me and make my pussy yours," you have no shame in begging harry, his hips bucking as you only grind against him quicker.

"fuck, fuck, fuck," harry's cursing, slightly in panic. he wants to cum so badly, and the idea of you wanting him to breed you just from the first time you're together makes him even more turned on. part of him is scared, but it only ends up fueling the desire and taboo more as harry finally unloads inside of you, his voice breaking as he continues cursing between heavy breaths.

you're enjoying the moment thoroughly, your pussy quivering as it's filled with harry's warm cum. you go to give him another kiss, and he can barely reciprocate.

you giggle at harry a bit, wincing as you gently pull his cock outside of you. harry groans, but his eyes remained closed, still catching his breath. you offer to help him clean up, and it takes a moment, but he agrees, following you to his bathroom and admiring your naked body in the soft light of the room.

afterwards, harry insists you stay with him for the night as he hands you one of his favorite shirts to sleep in. you accept, laughing at his lovesick attitude already, and climb into bed beside him for the night.

harry can hardly believe he has you in his arms, finally, after being so captivated by you for practically his whole life. he's thankful to have you next to him, smiling as you trace his skin, telling him how much you've liked him this whole time, how you don't care if your parents don't approve, and how much you need him in your life. harry feels at peace with you, his little slytherin, in his bed, the moon the only source of light across your tired face. he truly finds you so beautiful, inside and out.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hiya sex witch

Hope ur having a good one!

I have a sexual health question. Im 28yo M and am as far as i am aware overall healthy, but sometimes i have trouble orgasming during sex, but rarely during masturbation. Im aware that contrary to popular belief men dont always orgasm 100% of the time and that there is nothing wrong with having difficulty with "keeping it up" so long as its not health related (i dont usually have difficulty with this part specifically, i just feel from experience that some times this is forgotten among people so i wanted to mention that)

I enjoy sex with my partners and im mentally very in the mood for it! Im not really nervous and havent felt pressured with them but some times it takes a very long time for me to finish, like more that 1.5 hours and up to 2 or 3 one time, and understandably my partners dont usually want to go that long lol i also find it frustrating because i feel the need around the 30-40minute mark but like i dont get that final push if that makes sense?

I did online searching and most answers are kinda wishy washy about causes other than excess masturbation, ive cut down on masturbation because alot of places say that that can be a cause but i only masturbated like once or twice a week and now im down to twice a month but it still happens.

Ive also heard that a too tight circumcision can lead to desensitisation and is what im kinda thinking this might be, i was circumcised at birth and have what the forskin restoration website ( www.restoringforeskin.org ) says is a RCI-0 or maybe RCI-1 which are considered super tight or tight respectively, both of which can lead to lack of sensation. And am considering maybe working on restoring my foreskin due to this, but i wanted your opinion on how like legit this all is considering it kinda sounds idk farfetched to me? Like being able to just stretch the skin back out with tape, is that even a thing? And does this sound like a possible cause?

Thanks for all your hard (no joke intended)'work and ur also awsome!

P.S. tumblr is being fucky on my phone all the time so if this is not anonymous please ignore/dm me to say make it anonymous again or whatever tanks

hi anon,

thank you so much for your question! it sounds like you've put a lot of thought into it already, and it was very interesting to read.

I have some hesitation in declaring that something is physically the matter with your penis, mainly because you mention that orgasm tends to come at a much more typical speed when you're masturbating. in the case of a physical problem I'd usually expect to see similar results whether you were having sex solo or partnered, which to me suggested it might be more of a mental/emotional blockage here?

but, having said that: I'm not a healthcare provider! and it sounds like a visit with one to discuss your observations might be really beneficial at this point.

while foreskin restoration is a thing, it's also a thing that doesn't have much research backing it up, and long-term results aren't very well known. consulting with a urologist before attempting a restoration sounds like it would be a great idea for you, as they could help confirm whether your foreskin is the problem and advise you on safely practicing restoration if it's an appropriate treatment. or, if that isn't the case, they're likely to have a much better idea about what else might be causing your situation.

best of luck!

[mwahsturns]

First choice // Matt Sturniolo Pt 1

matt sturniolo x fem!reader

Contains: cussing, fluff, flirting, talk of death, Semi-proof read! I think that’s it let me know if there’s more! Also if there’s any grammar or spelling mistakes please ignore them 😭🙏🏻

Synopsis: Y/n works at a record store and one day while she’s working two very cute guys walk into the store but one especially catches her eye and later so happens they end up having more then just there music taste in common ;)

Word Count:1,890

Author’s notes: Hii bbys !! <3, So I’ve never written a fic before or posted on tumblr, So I’m sorry if this is bad I’m new at this please go easy on me😭🙏🏻. If you guys have any suggestions, tips or advice please message me I hope you enjoy my new series!!, this took me a very long time to come up with so I hope you love it💗.

* *:･ﾟ✧💒*:･ﾟ✧

The sound of music always brought me peace, I work at a record shop because I love being around vinyls and just anything music related really. I also really enjoy reading It's always brought me a sense of comfort as well as writing and poetry. Honestly it makes me really happy, and ever since I was a kid I've always written songs and maybe sang a little bit but that’s a secret. I don't know what it is but I always feel like it helps me forget about everything that’s wrong in my life, my parents died when I was 16 so it’s always been just me and my two little brothers. I love them more than anything and I'd do anything for them. Today was just a regular day at work I was putting vinyls on the racks that they go on when two guys walk into the store, I look over and give them a soft smile.

‘hii welcome let me know if you need any help finding any artist or vinyl specifically’ they smile at me and nod as one of the boys catches my eye, I’m a very shy person so I decided not to say anything unless I needed to. After a couple minutes I felt a tap on my shoulder, I turned around and saw the guy who caught my eye standing in front of me. ‘hi um i wanted to ask you something’ he seemed very nervous but also very confident weird mix. ‘yes of course how can i help you’ I smiled softly at him hoping to make him more comfortable, ‘do you happen to have “circles” by Mac miller’ he says as he does a side smile. I smile at him as I think about how I also enjoy mac miller.

‘yea over here!’ i walk over and pull it off the rack, ‘this is one of my favorites’ i say chuckling, ‘i really like this one’ he says turning the vinyl around. ‘what other artists do you like?’ ‘i really like d4vd and um frank ocean oh! Omg Dominic Fike omg Tyler the creator?! is so amazing and oh my god i'm rambling im so sorry’ I blushed getting a little nervous, ‘nah you're good’ he smiles as I look up at him and smile softly. We stand there until the guy he came with comes up to him ‘woah you guys twins or am I dumb?’ ‘nahh triplets’ he says laughing ’oh cool” i say and start checking them out. ‘You're the first to not ask us a million and one questions about being triplets’ he chuckles, ‘yea nah y'all will tell me over time’ I smirk i say with my boston accent coming through a little.

‘oh so you plan on getting to know us’ he smirks a little ‘oh totally y’all look cool’ I laugh, ‘you're from boston?’ The other guy says noticing my backpack in the back with the Boston logo. ‘yes i am’ i laugh ‘us too!’ ‘What's your name?’ The guy who got my eye says ‘I’m y/n’ ‘cool im matt and hes chris’ ahh Matt hot guy hot name. ‘cool!’ I hand them the bag and me and Matt make eye contact, ‘have a good day’ ‘thanks you too’ matt says smiling at me. They walk out and i really hope i see them again.

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  I finally got to clock out of work It was so tiring and I needed to make sure my little brothers were ok. I get to my car and get settled in and connect my phone to the aux and play “Ivy” by Frank Ocean. I’m so glad to be going home I think as I started driving I decided that I was gonna pick up a pizza for my little brothers because I got paid today and I know how much they love pizza. We aren't broke completely but we definitely struggle sometimes recently things have been rough but I finally got a promotion so it's getting a little easier I got the pizza and started heading home I got home and when i opened the door and my brothers cody and alex run up to me and ‘sissyyyy we missed you’ alex says hugging me, ‘aww i miss you too bud’ ‘sissy you bought pizza!’ Cody says looking like his eyes are gonna pop out of his head. 

 

i walk over to alexa who’s been my best friend for years, she helps me with my brothers and just around the house ‘thank you so much lex’ i say hugging her ‘Of course love that's what best friends are for’ she says smiling softly ‘wanna spend the night and when i put them to bed we can talk?’ ‘yeah okay sure’ Alexa smiles at me while i feed the boys.

I start to give the boys a shower and as i’m showering cody he looks up at me with the biggest smile on his face. ‘sissy I wanna be just like you when i grow up.’ He says playing with the bubbles, ‘aww little c i love you a lot bub and i know one day you’ll be even better than me’ i say tearing up, cody has always been more clingy to me than Alex is but not as much, cody doesn’t like to leave my side and he is the sweetest kid ever. Him saying he wants to be like me does hurt a little because I've been through a lot of shit but the fact that I look strong in his eyes makes up for it all. I put them to bed and Me Alexa got some wine and took a seat on the couch.

‘So how was your day?’ She says sitting next to me. ‘it was good omg lex these two really cute brothers came into the shop and oh my god girl’ I say blushing thinking of Matt ‘speaking of cute brothers you know the guy i was talking to?’ ‘yes why?’ ‘this is him and his brother I’d think you like him’ she turns her phone and pulls out a picture.

‘hold up hold up let me see that?!’ i say taking the phone from her ‘omg thats the cute guys that came in today’ ‘Omg?! yeah i've been talking to chris for a minute now’ ‘matt’s pretty attractive just sayin’ I couldn’t help myself but blush i don’t know what’s wrong with me fuck Y/N get it together. ‘oooo y/n has a crush?’ ‘oh shut the fuck up’ ‘oh come on you haven’t had a boyfriend since your parents died’ she says starting to get serious, ‘i know but my brothers mean the world to me lex i need to make sure there ok i don’t have the time’ I would love to give Matt a chance but i don’t know.

‘your brothers would want you to be happy y/n/n’ she says rubbing my knee, ‘I know but it's not about me being happy i need to make sure there happy i have to be a mother figure to them they need me’ ‘i get that babes but you need to remember you lost them too your only 20 rasing two kids you need to be a kid too especially since you were forced to grow up so quick’ i look at her and nod I mean I understand where she’s coming from but my brothers are all I know. ‘i love you y/n i'm just looking out for you ima head to bed goodnight love’ ‘night babes’ as she walks off and goes to into the guest room i kinda sit there think about what she said and i mean she's right but i can’t risk something happening to my brothers.  I head upstairs and head to bed because i have another day of work but holy fuck thank god it's friday. 

* *:･ﾟ✧💒*:･ﾟ✧

I woke up the next morning only because my alarm for work went off and i see it’s 9:44 so i know Alexa is getting my brothers ready for school I get out of the bed and i started to get ready for work. I finished getting ready for work when my younger brother Cody came into the room with tears in his eyes. ‘sis…’ he says in a sad tone I turned around quickly and scooped him into my arms ‘aww what's wrong love?’ i say concerned.

‘i don’t wanna go to school i wanna stay home with you can you please skip work..’ he says in a whiny tone, ‘Aww bub i wish i could help but you know the rules’ When i got custody of cody and alex the court gave me really strict rules to follow, i had to make sure they were always at school, they weren’t falling and that i kept a stable job and make enough money or else they would take them away. ‘I know but i hate being at school kids are mean to me and alex’ i look at him feeling bad but i don’t wanna risk losing them. ‘I’m sorry bub if i could keep you and alex with me 24/7 forever i would’ i say hugging him tightly.

* *:･ﾟ✧💒*:･ﾟ✧

i got to work over an hour ago and to say its boring is an understatement. Just as i think that i hear the bell ring meaning someone walked into the store, i look up ready to greet them and i realize its matt. ‘Matt? Hey’ i say smiling. ‘Hey um i know this might be weird but i um.. Well so my brother chris the one that was with me last time uh i found out that the girl hes been talking to happens to be your best friend right?’ ‘yeah shes my best friend’ ‘well um she kinda encouraged me to come back..’ ‘what do you mean?’ ‘well i uh wanted to see if you were willing to go out with me… you don’t have to its o-‘ he starts to say but i cut him off. ‘Sure why not’ i say smiling i don’t know what happened but he was too sweet for me to say no to.

‘Wait really?’ ‘yea i mean i can’t deny you are pretty cute..’ ‘well thank you’ he laughs damn something about the way he laughs i dont know but it feels almost addicting to listen to. ‘Uh are you free saturday?’ ‘yeah i am’ i smile ‘sweet! Ill text you’ ‘okay bye matt’ ‘bye” he blushed a little bit as he left the shop. Shit who’s gonna watch cody and alex?!                                                                   

Author’s notes:heyyy I’m back! So I hope you enjoyed the first part of this series and I’m sorry if there was any typos, spelling mistakes, etc I’ll try to fix the ones I can if I miss anything please let me know but I hope you enjoy and have a great day 💋

[mysterialistic]

Over-analyzing the Yingdu Chapter [PART 1]

This is just an analysis and theories based on all the stuff we've seen so far for this chapter. It's a long one so bare with me please!

[also, english isn't my first language. Excuse my bad grammar.]

Ok, first things first: the synopsis. I'll leave the image with the official plot for the Yingdu Chapter because it'll help make things a bit easier to understand.

To me this synopsis makes two things very clear.

Number one is that we're going to see how Cheng Xiaoshi died, aka, probably starting the season with the whole context of this scene from season 2 (one of my theories is that CXS died during a dive, but that's for another post lol):

And, of course, this scene right here too:

We're finally going to discover what's the photo LG uses. Given the fact that the synopsis mentions "back to the begging", it's probably a picture of LG and CXS when they met in high school or when they're in college, which, I must point out, they're still attending during the time they go to Yingdu. For the photo to be from their college years makes more sense if we take this into consideration.

Now, the second thing that the synopsis makes clear, is that this is Lu Guang's first attempt at saving Cheng Xiaoshi. Why? Well, for that we need to get into the recently released teaser.

The teaser shows us that Lu Guang is having some sort of nightmare. Some believe that this is a real thing, but to me it seems way too abstract (also it makes sense considering all the drowning symbolism they've shown us). The nightmare could possibly start with the flashback of Cheng Xiaoshi's death, leading to Lu Guang falling into the water, sinking as he's surrounded by photos (btw, the pictures have pieces of the postcard with a building that CXS places on the table during the teaser, but we'll discuss that in a minute), then he appears in this weird place with a clock and the word "Bridon" written with red strings (threads of fate?)

Lu Guang once again falls into the water and then he sees a white light, tries to reach it and Vein appears saying: "you want more punishment?", which aligns with this text on the teaser:

Lu Guang wakes up scared, extremely nervous, very different from the composed LG that we know. To me this reaction is due to this being his first attempt at saving Cheng Xiaoshi. He doesn't know what to expect, he just broke his rules and someone knows it. Even worse, someone wants to punish him for doing so.

Now, let's go to another interesting point of the synopsis: "However, a photo with clues about CXS's parents appeared at the photo studio". This right here is tricky.

The "however" to me implies that this is something that has never happened before. A mysterious deviation of the "path of fate" that Lu Guang "retraces" (like the synopsis says). Now, what is this picture that contains clues? Apparently, it's this one:

It's a building)? And this probably also contains some sort of letter or note with information about Cheng Xiaoshi's parents, specifically his dad who's name is mentioned by Liu Xiao as he interrogates the grown man.

Another interesting thing to point out is that one of the texts on the teaser says "HE may be in Yingdu!" I'm pretty sure it's CXS talking about his dad.

Something that caught my attention is that in this section of the teaser, where they show CXS placing the postcard in the table, he and QL are fighting)? Is she maybe suspicious about this sudden clue? Does she have a bad feeling?

Ok, Tumblr doesn't let me put more images, so I'll continue in PART 2

[riordanverserpdatabase]

HELLO USERS!!! IT IS OUR PLEASURE AND HONOR TO WISH A VERY VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR OWN BELOVED SUNNIE!!! Sunnie is part of our RP IT team, and does a LOT to help the blog running!!! we're sure you've seen the @sweetxloverxx link attached to a lot of our daily posts as the person who recommended the posts. Sunnie has so many incredible ideas, both for your characters and for hers!! If you don't know her well, you should absolutely take some time to get to know her!! She is sweet, kind, and always eager to help you feel loved!

Let's hear what Sunnie answered to our Birthday Questionnaire!!!

Sunnie's favorite color is Currently Pink!! She had a hard time choosing a favorite song, too many options!!! She couldn't pick one, she likes too many!! Her favorite movie is Scream 1!! (So fitting for the season!!!) Some of Sunnie's favorite blogs to watch on Tumblr are CJ's, Markies', Eros', Maddox's, Macedon's, and Mavericks!! To celebrate this year, Sunnie is seeing a Movie with her family on Friday, and celebrating more with them on Saturday!! She also spent the week in NYC last week as part of her Birthday Celebration!!! Sunnie's favorite Birthday she's ever had has been this one so far, despite (as she puts it) the existential dread of turning 18!!! Sunnie had hoped to receive a sense of stability for her birthday, but she expects she will probably get cash!!!! Does Sunnie like Cookies, Cake, or Ice Cream?? Sunnie is a Cookies and Ice Cream girl!!!

Now that we've heard from Sunnie, let's hear from some of Sunnie's friends!!!! We've collected a few Birthday wishes for her!!!

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!! I hope you have the best day <3" -Ray (Sunnie's bf)

"Happy birthday Sunnie 😎 welcome to adulthood mother[REDACTED]." -Maddie

"You’re such a sweet and amazing person and you always have been. Even if you’re nervous about your new age I’ll know you’ll handle it greatly like you do with everything else. I’m so grateful to be your friend, have a happy birthday and a happy year!" -Lexi

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOTHERRRR! >:3 CONGRATS ON BEING OLDER UR ONE IF MY FAVOURITE PEOPLE I KNOW AND I HOPW YOU HAVE AN AWAOMW BIRTHDAY!!!" -Orphic (Sunnie's ADOPTED Son)

"I hope you enjoy your newfound freedom with your new year! Even after years of being an adult, none of us know exactly what we're doing, and that’s ok. Don’t feel pressured to figure everything out too soon. Eventually, you’ll learn how to get through the challenges, and come out on the other side wiser. Adulthood has its ups and downs (even a couple years in) but I know you can handle it. Regardless of what obstacles get thrown your way, you’ll survive, and we’ll be here to keep you going. I love you platonically" -Nico

"Birthday Sunnie! You just hit a big milestone in your life. I know it's scary with all of the new freedoms and responsibilities but you will make it through. I'm so happy for you. Have fun with the new freedoms you have and make the most out of life if you can." -Asta

Now that we've heard form her friends, let's play some music chosen by Ray and celebrate a little!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUNNIE!!!

[widowbitessting]

Sugar Mommies Season 2, Pt:3

Welcome back to my little universe! Grab some popcorn and get comfy! Sorry for the late upload, Tumblr just decided to delete the entire thing!

Part 4 will be posted in two weeks as I'm away next weekend! See you on the 20th November!

Until then, enjoy! xox

Part 1, Part 2

“I didn’t mean it.”

Really. 

That’s the honest truth. 

You hadn’t intended to slap Carol’s ass. 

Just like you hadn’t intended to eat a family size pack of your favourite chocolate the night before. 

It’s not your fault you walked into your bedroom as she was bending over putting on her socks. 

With her amazing ass just right in your view. 

Really; what else were you supposed to do?

It would have been criminal to not slap her ass. 

You acted on impulse. 

Something you don’t think would help your case much. 

“Really. I didn’t.���

Carol glares down at you, her hand tightening around your throat as she pushes your body harder against the bedroom door. 

“Check in, kitten. What colour?” 

“G-green.”

“If I could lift you up by just your neck - and trust me, the thought of doing that is all I’m thinking of right now - I would. God, you can’t not be a fucking brat, can you?” 

“I -” 

“You do not get to talk right now, kitten.” 

“But -” 

“Stop. Talking.” 

“Wait I -” 

Carol’s hand abruptly leaves your neck and tangles in your hair.

She yanks you harshly against her shoulder. 

You whimper, you verbally whimper as you battle with your brain to keep quiet. 

“If you value sitting for the next week, Y/N, I really suggest you listen to me.” Carol says. “Now stop talking. Brats don’t get the luxury of verbal communication. Or their fucking nicknames.” 

You swallow thickly. 

“Did you slap my ass?” Carol asks. “Nod or shake your head only.”

You meekly nod.

“Did you do it to be a brat?” 

You quickly shake your head, wanting to plead your innocence.

“Okay. Thank you. Do you understand that you’re still gonna get punished?”

At that, you pout but nod. 

“You don’t get to slap your captain's ass, understood?”

You nod. 

“Do you think I’m gonna spank your ass for your punishment?” Carol asks.

You nod again.

Carol mercifully lets go of your hair; instead gripping your upper arm and tows you over to your desk. 

She plops you into your seat and tells you not to move.

You try to, because it’s you; and when you turn, it’s Carol’s face you’re met with.

“You’re really testing my patience today, Y/N.”

You turn your face back so quickly, hating the way your cheeks blush.

You stare, shocked, as a piece of paper and a pen is placed before you. 

“You’re to write lines as your punishment. Understand?”

You sigh and then nod.  

Sensing your question, Carol leans over you; deliberately pressing her chest into your back so you’re trapped between her and your desk. 

She takes the pen from where it lies and writes at the top of the page: I will not slap my captain's ass. 

You’d laugh if you could. 

But you’re far too nervous to try. 

She can’t be serious. 

“I’m serious, Y/N.” Carol replies. “All I want is one page. It’s not that much. 10 minutes. Maximum.”

Carol passes you the pen and kisses your head.

“Get to work, Y/N.”

You expect her to move away, to give you at least some breathing room to work with but she doesn’t.

Carol says exactly where she is, smirking when she hears you let out a small whimper.

“Oh and,” she plucks your phone from your pocket, dangling it in front of your face. “My little girl can’t have any distractions while she does her lines, now can she?”

You glare at her. 

Carol winks back.

“Go on.” She says.

Still you don’t write anything.

“Tick tock, Y/N.. The sooner you write them, the sooner this is all over. Or I’ll make it two pages.”

The first line is the most humiliating.

You feel like a petulant child, writing lines in detention.

Seven words.

Seven simple words. 

You write them in the type of writing you normally would; nothing different about it.

Only…Carol has something to say when she sees your first line, tutting softly against the shell of your ear. 

“That’s a bit big, don’t you think? I think your writing needs to be much smaller, Y/N.”

“I swear to God -” 

Carol’s hand moves insanely fast to cover your mouth, near slapping your face in the process. 

“Brats don’t get to talk.” Carol says. “You ignore my rule again and you will write the rest of your lines on your knees by my legs, is that understood?”

You nod, fighting the urge to lick the inside of Carol’s hand.

She keeps her hand over your mouth, holding you to her deliberately for a few seconds longer; looking so satisfied with herself.

When you glare, she chuckles.

“Problem, Y/N?”

You shake your head, a muffled, “nuh-huh.” mercifully going unpunished from Carol.

“Get to work, little girl. We don’t have all day.” Carol kisses your head and removes her hand. “If you want that coffee date that is.”

You’re not even ashamed of how quickly that catches your attention.

Your next sentence you make sure you write smaller and when you get Carol’s hum in agreement, you move onto the next line.

“Wait.” She says. “There’s still space there. Fill it up please.”

You suck on your tongue to keep your reply quiet; but you do as you’re told, filling in the rest of the line. 

Over and over you go and, once she’s happy, Carol mercifully gives you space, walking across your room. 

But instead of leaving you in peace in your room, she perches herself on the edge of your bed, watching you expectantly.

“Come on, Y/N. Chop chop.”

You switch from writing to all in capitals when you reach the 20th line.

But it proves to be harder work so you change to writing in all lower case.

Towards the end, your attention, and your patience runs out; and you see your handwriting growing sloppier. 

Messier in fact. 

You force yourself to stop, stretching out your stiff back.

When you turn to Carol, you give her your best pout.

“What’s the matter, baby?” Carol pouts back at you before standing. “Do you need to sit on your Captain’s lap? Is it too hard for your dumb little brain to finish such a simple task?”

She scoops you effortlessly from your chair and sits herself down before settling you on top of her lap.

“Write the last couple of your lines. Make sure they’re neat for me and then we can go and get coffee, okay?” 

You fight your inner brat the entire time you finish your lines, gripping the pen a little harder than necessary. 

When you reach the last line, Carol decides to rest her chin on your shoulder and watches. 

She watches as you try to fit the last sentence on the one line; squishing the last two s's together with your tongue sticking out from between your lips. 

When you’re finished, you look back at her happily - and possibly a little smugly too. 

Carol looks down at your paper and tilts her head. 

“I’m half tempted to have you read them out to me.” 

Your eyes widen and Carol just smiles.

“I’m messing with you, kitten.” 

She pulls you in and kisses your lips.

“We’ll save that for the next time I think.” Carol replies. “Good girl for writing your lines, I’m so proud of you.” 

When you don’t reply, the blonde kisses you again.

“You can talk, angel. Your punishment is finished.” 

“Thank you, Captain.” You wrap your arms around her neck and kiss her deeply, groaning when her tongue fills your mouth.

Your phone clatters to the ground.

You really should be mad; you should find that bratty attitude you had before and fling it right in Carol’s face. 

But…you can’t. 

Not when you’re sucking on Carol’s tongue and wondering if it’s possible to have a quick fuck on the desk chair you and MJ built. 

You suck on it sloppily, slurping up as much of her as you can and when you try to pull back; Carol only grips onto you harder. 

Her fingers dig into your sides. 

“Come here.”

She pulls back slightly to allow you to reposition yourself, to turn so you’re sitting more comfortably on her lap, with your legs either side of her own.

“I could get used to you like this.” Carol murmurs, nipping at your bottom lip, grinning when you inhale sharply. 

“Oh? Is that so, Captain?” 

“Mhm,” comes her reply. “My beautiful little sub on my lap. Could life get any better?” 

You try desperately not to grind your hips down, especially when Carol begins to kiss at your jaw.

“I - um…”

“Aw, kitten. Did I make you speechless?” 

You can’t help but smile.

“Maybe.”

“Good. It’s my new favourite pastime.” 

You giggle when Carol kisses a ticklish spot just under your jaw. 

“Oh, is that so?” 

“Mhm.” Carol leans back and looks at you. “Your chest blushes when you get flustered. And you find it really hard to maintain eye contact too.” 

You really don’t know how to reply, opting to run your tongue over your bottom lip instead while your brain desperately tries to think of some words. 

That catches Carol’s interest. 

“I wanna suck on that tongue.”

“Do it then.”

Carol drags you closer, eyes never leaving your mouth.

“Maybe suck on your nipples until you’re grinding on my lap.”

“Yes please.”

“And then throw you on the bed and suck on your clit so you can make those pretty noises for me.”

You lean down and kiss up Carol’s neck.

“Go on, captain.” You whisper, moving to suck the tip of her ear into her mouth. 

Carol’s hands slide under your shirt, dragging her nails down your back.

Her breath shakes as you let out a small moan. 

You hear your bedroom door opening before you have time to react.

“WHY ARE YOU IN MY HO - OH MY EYES! MY EYES!” 

You and Carol jerk apart. 

You’d have toppled to the floor if Carol didn’t have an iron grip on you.

“Careful, careful,” she mutters, keeping you trapped on her lap, her thumb rubbing at you reassuringly.

Carol doesn’t care for the intrusion; if it wasn’t for your reaction so uncomfortably; she would have gladly continued with an audience.  

Standing at your doorway, holding a frying pan above her head, is MJ; while Peter stands next to her. 

“Oh - oh my God.” MJ’s cheeks are red as she desperately tries to look everywhere but at you and Carol. 

The frying pan falls limp to her side.

Something which the blonde finds very amusing.

“What’s the matter, MJ? Never seen your best friend in a compromising position before?”

You hit her shoulder.

“It’s hardly a compromising position.”

“Would you like me to change that?” Carol is very serious when she says this. 

“No thank you.”

“Tone down the attitude, little one.” Carol pecks your lips. “What would you like, MJ? You’re lingering.”

“I just - a warning next time, so I don’t bash your skulls in with a frying pan, okay?”

“I’d like to see you try, MJ, but okay. Next time I will hang one of Y/N’s bra from the door handle for you, okay?”

“Smartass.” 

Carol shrugs.

“And yet you’re still here.” The blonde continues. “I will happily continue if you’d like to watch. Y/N makes some lovely noises when I -” 

Your bedroom door gets slammed shut before Carol can finish and you let out a bark of laughter.

“Will you ever stop teasing her?” You ask.

“When it stops being funny, yes.”

You hum in reply and lean down to capture her lips with yours once again. 

“I’m afraid though, the mood has shifted.” You sigh. “Even though I really, really want to carry on…I’d rather not hear MJ and Peter have sex.”

Carol groans and leans back on the chair.

“I would rather not hear that either.” 

“Rain check?” 

Carol tickles your sides before removing her hands from under your shirt. 

“If we must.” She sighs. “If we were at my place, I’d have you screaming under me right now. Just saying.” 

“Maybe we can change that later…” You twirl some of her hair. “Spend the night at yours so we’re not cramped on my single bed…” 

“But we’ll only be sleeping…” Carol tilts her head. “Why would we need the extra space, kitten?” 

Grabbing her face with sudden confidence, you kiss her with such hunger that you nearly wind yourself.

“Because, Captain.” You say, “I want you to fuck me senseless later.” 

Her hand snaps to your neck again. 

“Such foul language, kitten.” She growls. “Say it again.”

“Happily, Captain.” 

20 minutes and 4 new hicky's on your neck later, you and Carol emerge from your bedroom hand in hand. 

And leave the apartment in a very loud fashion so MJ definitely knows you’re going.

The two of you reemerge into society, the sun blinding you both for a moment as you pass the doorway; and while Carol is her usual confident self, you’re very aware of the large marks she left on your neck. 

Carol takes your hand as it subconsciously tries to hide them when you pass an elderly lady with her shopping. 

“You did it to yourself, baby.” She says. “Don’t poke me if you can’t handle the consequences.”

“I know.” You grumble. “I just didn’t think you’d do 4.”

Humming, Carol lets you walk ahead through a particularly congested part of the sidewalk; smugly knowing you’re as red as a tomato. 

Once you’re back together, hands reunited, Carol glances at her work. 

“Well, one was for the swearing, baby. You know we don’t like our pretty little thing using such foul words -”

“ - even if you asked me to repeat it?”

“ - even though you asked me to repeat it, kitten. Why'd you think I gave you funishment?”

You look at Carol, smiling.

“I’ve never had a funishment before.”

Carol lightly slaps your ass.

“Well now you have, baby girl.” She replies. “Where was I? The second one was because you said I wouldn’t do it and when do I ever back down from a challenge? The last two were purely self indulgent. I couldn’t help myself.” 

“Oh? And why is that?” 

Carol shrugs. 

“I have no idea. Maybe we should test this theory again when we’re back at my apartment? See just how loud you can get.”

A man and wife walking past the two of you both glance in your direction when Carols says this, and you quickly decide the sidewalk looks beautiful. 

“You’re so easy to fluster, I love it.”

“Oh shut up.”

You’re too flustered to even register you’re at the coffee shop and Carol has to pull on your hand to stop you walking. 

She eyes a cluster of seagulls as they perch on the roof. 

“Wha - oh.”

Ever the gentlewoman, Carol holds the door open for you and allows you to walk inside first. 

From your jacket pocket, your phone begins to buzz.

“I swear to God, if this is MJ.”

“What do you want to order, babe?” Carol asks as you take your cell out. 

“My usual please.”

You check your phone and let out an excited squeal.

“It’s Nat!”

Tag List :

@fishlikestuff @spartanghost118 @ironsnowstorm @romeo-the-cactus @brutashafan @midnightreme @your-my-mission @trikruismybitch @bitxhinthecomments @messuhp @severepeanutartisanhands @8plasma @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @khiaraaa-in-spacee @madamevirgo @selluequestrian @kaitlynroseb @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory @coollemonsaresour @pianogirl2121 @loomontoia @wandas-lover @cybeleceto @tomy5girls @starmako26 @claudiamyan @emilyprentisslittlewhore @vynia @cordeliaswhore @angelicl-y @ashadash0904 @the-most-unicorn-of-them-all @stuckyforliife @ktstudies @your-my-mission @tomy5girls @coollemonsaresour @khiaraaa-in-spacee @emilyprentisslittlewhore @umsolikeblog @angelicblackwolf @pianogirl2121 @upsidedowndanvers @anastasiabeaverhousen87 @wrennieee-blog-blog @spiderling-18 @madamevirgo @beforeoursecrets @8plasma @imdreamingblo@wandas-love @mmmmokdok @greydinosauregg @crazylittlereader2474 @thatonehippiefriend @midgardianweasley @battleg03 @sav06nat @marvelwomen-simp @ineedafinghug @suki-is-a-queen @wandanatblogs @wandanatstan @im-in-demilesbians-with-you @crispychaospanda @raqelacevedo @harmoni0527 @starmako26 @osterfield23 @wandanatblogs @ophelias-heart @natashafamdreams @osterfield23 @sweeterlust @adyadalia @jemilyssecretlover @aleynaishere @jayxxace @smileyromanoff @ashadash0904 @scxpingdrms @amcg0615 @insomniac-delusions @yorkthelocksmith @emilyprentisslittlewhore @wandavixen @gay-ant @iwantwatermelonrn @marvelxdickinsonmarvelxdickinson @marvelwomen-simp @alianovnasworld @whhyyynottt @wandaswigglywoos-ish @lexi-2003-love @smallestavenger @mcu-churrio @fastlikealambo @luflufsstuff @birdie0101 @fabgronsky @insomniac-delusions @theheeheeman @idontknownemore @scxpingdrms @depression-desu @ashadash0904 @demonslayer06 @spookymomfriendtm @smromanoff @raqelacevedo @wandanatfan @simpforflorencepugh1 @s1ut4nat @d14n4ol @alianovnasworld @academiagaymess @natblidaclexa @childofsapph0 @mellxa @messuhp @valiantmugcowboyscissors @luflufsstuff @lorsstar1st @alianovnasworld @wandaswigglywoos-ish @itwas-neverreal @pianogirl2121 @itwas-neverreal @forever-a-diamond-bitch @sayah13 @scxrlett-wid0w @alianovnasworld @froufrousnowman @scarletwidow21 @robnicole @likefirenrain @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @ejeiwbskqn @arin-swear-rose @aloaph @jjs-doll @mommysslutsworld @geico-insuranc @ashadash0904 @scxrlett-wid0w @sayah13 @froufrousnowman @anyilherrona @alianovnasworld @whhyyynottt @schuylersthelimit @tomy5girls @caylusromanoff @sadlesbitch @silver-lotus @milaackerman69 @onmykneesforwanda @imtrebleandsharp @alana-debnamcarey @comfy-mee @immathinkerg @simpforwandanat @alianovnasworld @luckypupsmama @sophiecala @shrekisloveshrekislifw @xoxolittledizzy @nattyswidow @mcu-romanoff @njavezan @laurenmaximoff @druggedduck @laylayb1106 @speedytimetravelgalaxy @snowdrop1026 @scarletts-future-wife @darling-dontforgetme @r4nd0mgir1 @heartsforlee @r4nd0mgir1 @heartsforlee @geico-insuranc @copper-boom @emmamaximoff11@sweetmissnothing @readings-stuff @villanelles-little-wh0r3 @bigfinsquidd @copper-boom @yelenatwanda @wizardofstories @beinggayanddoingcrime @ashw0lf @adnawidow @wandanats-ghost @mall6ry @violetromanova @navyblueobsessed @elle-romanoff@readings-stuff​ @practiceinpublic@yelenatwanda@simplysimping999@darling-dontforgetme@talia-alianovna@maiyaisdumb @inluvwithfictionalwomen@gay-ant@wannabe-fic-reader@10-19-17uswnt@rt–link@sluttyforfemaleavengers@im-just-a-gay-fanfic-reader@anastasiabeaverhousen87@olicity-boo@gryffindorkromanoff@ara-a-bird@lesbianfornatasha​@anchorjdm​@whoreforjimhopper​ @wandamaximommy22

[1moreff-creator]

(01) Levi Fontana - First Trial (DRDT-Milgram AU)

Hey there! We’re officially starting the First trial, and it’s Levi’s turn! With his Voice Drama: Minimalism, and his Music Video (concept): Torn Stitches! As well as the voting at the end (I'm using Tumblr one week polls to not overcomplicate things). I’ve decided (for now at least) not to do post-MV interrogation questions because… I don’t know what to do with them? They would just be a bunch of headcanons for the most part, so I don’t think they would be too important. I might make them later, but not now. 

Anyways. Below is a vague, not entirely serious attempt at a thumbnail for this "video" (ID in alt text). The sprite is from the official gallery of course. 

CW murder and blood (description of a fight). Not afiliated with either DRDT or Milgram.

One clarification I should have probably made in Undercover: all of these prisoner’s backstories are set in the US, because that’s where the DRDT characters are from (minus possibly Teruko). This isn’t really important for Levi, but it may come up later so.

Also another thing I forgot! The idea for this AU came from this post by sunlit-haru! Thanks for the brainrot buddy!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Voice Drama - Minimalism

(Keep in mind this Es’ personality isn’t the same as canon, but rather it’s loosely based on a certain DRDT character)

*Footsteps*

Es: [Upbeat voice] Hello, Prisoner Number 01! It’s nice to meet you. 

Levi: Hm… Interesting. The uniform is designed to impose a sense of authority, that much is clear from the cape and the hat. The dark clothing enhances the effect, with the gloves-

E: Uh… what?

L: Oh! Apologies. Your outfit is quite intriguing, and… well, observing that kind of thing is a bit of a nervous habit of mine. 

E: Uh… huh. Well, that’s… nice! *Shuffling* Do you like it? It’s a bit more dramatic than what I’d usually wear, but I guess it’s fitting.

L: Oh? What is it you usually wear?

E: …

L: Warden?

E: Oh! Just call me Es! What’s your name, anyways? It would be kinda awkward to just keep calling you Zero One or something. 

L: … Oh. Right, where are my manners? Levi Fontana, a pleasure.

E: Nice to meet you Levi! Why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself? 

L: Well… I’m XX* years old. I work as a personal stylist in a pretty large company. Uh, I’ve lived alone for a while now, and, uh...

*(Note: DRDT characters are all of an unspecified, adult college age. Understand Levi is saying a number here, I’m just not committing to a specific age)

E: …

L: …

E: …And?

L: Well, not much else. I’m not a very interesting person, I apologize.

E: No, no! That’s all very interesting! But, well, there’s… how do I put this. There’s something in particular I was hoping you'd bring up? Something I feel we… kinda have to talk about?

L: Is that so?

E: Well… this is an interrogation, you know? And here in Milgram, there is a particular aspect of your life that we’re sorta more interested in, you see.

L: Oh, the murder?

E: … Yes, the murder. 

L: I imagined. You have mentioned everyone in this prison is a killer, yes? That TV-cat thing has repeated the same a few times.

E: [Oddly serious] It’s a dog, actually. 

L: … Really?

E: *Clears throat* Like you said, all of you have taken lives. Interrogating these situations is the fundamental purpose of Milgram. 

L: I see. And you know we are murderers without a shadow of a doubt? I would find that quite impressive.

E: Milgram has deigned you murderers, and I have full faith it is right in its assessment. 

L: Very well. In that case, yes, I am a murderer. 

E: … Just like that?

L: Well, yes. I killed someone. That makes a murderer, does it not? 

E: Uh, yeah, but… you seem oddly calm about this.

L: Am I? I suppose this is not quite how most people would confess to murder. But if I’m frank, I cannot bring myself to pretend to be sorry for what I did. 

E: Oh! That’s… huh.

L: …

E: I mean, why? Why do you not regret it? Surely killing someone is something no one would ever want to do, right?

L: Perhaps that’s how you view it, but… well. The person I killed had to die. It’s as simple as that. 

E: … Well, that’s a- That’s a pretty simplistic view, which is fine, I suppose. Isn’t that a bit cold-hearted, though?

L: I have been told that, yes. Hm... I suppose I should watch the other prisoners to learn how normal murderers should handle themselves.

E: Huh? I don’t think… Wait, why is that your first instinct?

L: Oh? Well… I have never been very good with my emotions. It’s usually better if I simply act the way normal people act. 

E: That doesn’t sound healthy.

L: Perhaps. It… hasn’t always worked out very well. I thought if I acted more like my family… ah, I probably shouldn’t talk about that kind of thing.

E: Hm?

L: Yeah, ignore that. 

E: Uh, if you say so... But that’s still quite a bit to unpack there. 

L: Is it? 

E: *sigh* Alright, listen. I have a lot to say about… that, but we have only a limited amount of time, and I still don’t know anything about your murder. 

L: Hm.

E: Look, Levi. I am not here to merely condemn you for what you’ve done. I am here to decide if you are Forgiven or Unforgiven. But as of now, I have little to make that judgement. If you just explain what happened, I'm sure you'll be able to convince me to Forgive- augh!

*Chair being pushed, something falls*

L: Es? 

E: Ugh- *Shuffling noises* Stand down. I am fine. 

L: Are… you certain?

E: [Noticeably more serious] As I was saying. To make a proper judgement, I must be deeply aware of the intricacies of your crime. Explain yourself. 

L: Wait. Why did you just-?

E: Irrelevant. Zero One, explain yourself.

L: … Alright, I suppose? But unfortunately, it is probably for the best if I refrain from speaking of my crime. 

E: What- What do you mean, Levi?

L: I am… not good with words, either. I fear by attempting to explain myself, I will only make things worse. From what I understand, you will be able to see directly into my mind? I believe that would be the best way for you to truly understand what I’ve done.

E: Really? You know you won’t have control of what’s shown, right? For all you know, it could show things as worse than they actually are! Don’t you want to clarify things now that you can?

L: You speak as if I have full control of my words. Frankly, I fear that my temper might flare up if… if I think about that piece of shit for too long. 

E: !

L: Oh, apologies! I did not mean to... *sigh* See what I mean?

E: Oh! No, you just… startled me is all. Why don’t you tell me more about this, uh, piece of… the person you’re talking about?

L: …

E: …Why are you looking at me like you want to kill me?

L: Ah. Apologies. That anger was not directed at you. As I said, it is difficult for me to talk about… about him without growing angry. And that’s- that’s something I have been trying to work on.

E: I… see. That’s a shame. 

L: It is not important. I have always been of the opinion that actions define people better than words ever could, especially when it comes to me. That video will probably show you the circumstances of my crime much better than I ever could.

E: Hm… I understand! But, without knowing what it’s going to show, aren’t you worried I might not Forgive you for it?

L: Hm… If I am frank, I do not yet know how to feel about this… Forgiveness you speak of.

E: Oh?

L: Well, I believe I did the right thing. I am not sure your words would change my mind. So, I am not worried about what you think of me. 

E: Uh… do you even know what happens if you’re not Forgiven?

L: I do not. Can I ask what the consequences are?

E: …

L: … Do you… not know either?

E: I mean, it could be pretty bad, you know? 

L: That’s not very convincing-

*Machinery whirs*

L: Hm?

E: Oh. Looks like we ran out of time. The extraction machine is starting. 

L: I see. 

E: *sigh* Very well! I’ll keep your words in mind! Let’s see what your actions say about what kind of person you are.

L: I suppose that would be fair. 

E: In that case. 

Prisoner 01, Levi Fontana: sing your sins!

(Oh wow I actually wrote a full VD. I mean, I think it's shorter than normal VDs, but I ain’t writing all that. Hope that was good enough)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trial 1 Cover: Panda Hero by HACHI

(Because I am unburdened by the laws of the land (copyright), I can give these people any song to cover I want! Hehe. I’ll keep it Vocaloid only, you know, for fun. Probably imagine the covers in English, since the songs in the MVs are written to work in English)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Music Video - Torn Stitches

(So obviously I’m not going to actually make a song, I am not a musician to any extent, but I will make lyrics. Text between brackets is explaining what’s going on musically. Text in parenthesis are author’s note. Text in italics and citation thingy are lyrics. The rest is a description of the video)

(Also because no one has to animate this I get to go a little wild hehe)

[Silence]

The video opens on a shot of Levi with a black background, wearing a plain white shirt, leggings and shoes, standing with a hand on his chin and his eyes closed. He’s surrounded by clothes racks full of similar white shirts. The shot widens through a doorway, showing the room Levi is standing in is lit up by bright blue lights, and its floor is made up of white tiles (like the thumbnail room). A small sign is visible over the doorway. It reads “For self-expression.”

[Drumsticks are hit against each other as an opener. The classic “1, 2, 3, 4”]

Levi opens his eyes. On beat with the drumsticks, the lighting in the room changes around him, along with the sign on the door.

Orange lighting fills the room as the sign reads “Streetwear.” There are several shirts and pants spread across the ground.

Then it’s red lighting alongside “For the family.” Mannequins (like the ones you'd find at clothes stores) without clothes surround Levi.

Purple lighting, “Work clothes.” Desks replace the mannequins. 

Finally, it switches back to blue with the “For self-expression” sign. 

[The music kicks in fully. Imagine… Oh it is hard to describe music when you know nothing about it huh? Just- vaguely punk rock, somewhat fast paced. Metaphorically, it sounds like someone’s anger boiling just under their skin. Think of the beginning of Kotoko’s cover of Anti-Beat extended across most of the song. Does that even fit the genre I said? I have no idea]

Still with blue light, there’s a shot of his back as he quickly puts on the light blue polo shirt he wears in canon. A pop-up appears, pointing at it with text reading:

Blue Polo Shirt

Casual, simple, pragmatic. The color could speak of a calm and reliable person, but it may come off as too cold by itself.

Next, a shot of his hand as he puts on a black fingerless glove.

Black Gloves

Stylish accessory which signifies a person of action. Black is easy to combine with other colors for good aesthetics. 

We see the top half of Levi’s body as he walks forward, a title card appearing to fill up time. The camera focuses on his feet, wearing black boots, as he steps though the door. It lingers for another pop-up to appear.

Black Boots

Stylish. Useful for people who walk a hard path.

[The music slows down to let the lyrics take center stage. Again, I’m sorta using Anti-Beat as a basis]

The sun rises in the East, But I can feel none of its warmth.

We’re still in the same room as before, except the lighting has changed to orange. Levi looks at several blank mannequins wearing different clothes and facing different ways. The shot focuses on three of them, and pop-ups appear for their clothes.

Light Green Dress

A welcoming color that may be worn by a friendly, calm person.

Yellow Shirt

A warm and happy color. The user might be going through a joyous moment of their life.

Blue Denim Shorts

Simple, safe choice, for someone who may pay attention to their appearance, but doesn’t think about it too much.

Black Tank Top

Sporty, good for athletic people. Safe choice, but may sometimes represent someone’s despair.

White Shorts

Perfect for going on a run in the warmer parts of the year.

It switches to another two.

Pink Dress

Simple and upbeat. Good for more cutesy aesthetics.

Orange Shirt

Warm, inviting, happy. Incidentally, it’s a complementary color to blue.

It’s hard for a heart to beat, (I) When it is frozen as a rock (II)

(I) The lighting changes to purple as we get a front-facing shot of Levi walking past a desk. A mannequin sits on the other side, and a pop-up appears on its clothes.

Suit and Tie

Professional, but uncomfortable. This particular user really needs the work, but they do not like it.

(II) Then, we see him next to another mannequin. Levi is staring at this one, which is facing a clothes rack. A pop-up appears on its clothes, but also on a green hoodie in the clothes rack.

Neon Yellow Hoodie

Apologies, this one is too hideous to analyze.

Light Green Hoodie

They’re going to pick this one. It’s better for their aesthetic.

Yet…

We get a close-up of Levi sighing.

[The music begins building up, with fast drum beats in between lyrics. The lyrics themselves are quick and abrupt]

I have to make it work

Now with red lighting, Levi is sitting at a table, eating spaghetti. He’s no longer wearing gloves.

Next to him sit two teenage boys (not mannequins) with short hair of the same color as Levi’s, though their eyes aren’t drawn. Plates of spaghetti are also in front of them. The one on Levi’s right (our left) is wearing the following shirt, with another pop-up.

Heartbreaker Shirt

His favorite. 

Meanwhile, on Levi’s left, the other boy’s shirt looks like this, with the pop-up:

Party Shirt

His favorite. 

For the ones that even I can love

The scene switches to the head of the table. On it sits an older man with glasses and a grey shirt with black stains. 

Glasses

He’s smart.

Grey Shirt.

His favorite.

The boy with the Party Shirt is still somewhat visible to the man’s right. To his left, another teenage boy, this one with hair covering his eyes and hunched over in his chair, who has this shirt:

Theater Shirt

His favorite.

A middle aged woman sits to that boy’s left, across from where Levi would be. She has long brown hair, and like the other two, her eyes aren’t drawn. She’s wearing bronze, reddish earrings shaped like camellias, and a black dress.

Bronze Earrings

A gift from my father. She likes them.

Black Dress 

Her favorite. 

The things they feel and I do not

The camera focuses on one last person, but only their smiling mouth and shirt are visible.

Skull Shirt

His favorite. 

I’ll take them all and with them sow…

Back to Levi, the table disappears, but he’s still sitting. The lighting has changed to blue, and now he’s only wearing the blue polo shirt (and grey pants). The two boys which had been next to him have changed into clothes hangers holding their shirts. Levi looks around confused, before his gaze lingers on making eye contact with the center of the screen. 

[Chorus! The instrumental kicks it up a notch. The lyrics are very growly, leaning on Levi’s deep voice to give them some power (what am I saying again?)]

A patchwork heart beating along! (I) Can’t collapse, now keep it warm! (II) Even if it’s freezing, I’ll just fix it, make the passion thaw! (III)

(I) The camera flips, and this is shown:

The heart pumps with the beat of the song. 

(II) Back to Levi, who quickly turns to the shirts on the clothes hanger. His expression still looks a bit aghast.

(III) The camera focuses on the Skull Shirt on a hanger, zooming in. It turns back to Levi, who becomes more serious. He nods. 

A patchwork heart beating along!  Can’t collapse, now keep it warm!  Even if it’s freezing, I’ll just fix it, make the passion thaw! 

As the chorus repeats, Levi grabs the shirt he was looking at. Then, we get a few frames of him sowing things just off screen. Shots of needles, thread, that kinda stuff. 

[There’s a small instrumental part to keep the energy from the chorus for a bit longer] 

We get a full shot of the heart, which now looks like this:

Then, we see Levi smiling looking at it. However, he then frowns. 

A patchwork heart beating along!

The camera focuses on one of the black sections of the heart, the one which before just had fire. Now, the full symbol the Skull Shirt had is seen; skull and fire. 

[More instrumental for a moment]

Levi looks on perturbed. Suddenly, he startles and turns around. 

[Back to verse music]

All lives yearn for a yarn to spin, (I) Yet I fear I’m losing the thread. (II)

(I) Purple lighting. The same mannequin as before, wearing the same neon yellow hoodie, is holding out the green hoodie from before for Levi to see. 

(II) We zoom in on Levi’s face, as he turns to the side, and frowns a bit.

The mirror used to build up what’s “me”, I see it now, it starts to break.

Without overhead lighting, we see a full body mirror showing a completely different scene, which becomes clearer as we zoom in further. On our left, we see a mannequin wearing a grey hoodie, an orange spotlight shining on it. On our right, the boy with the Skull Shirt looks animated, his mouth open as if talking to the mannequin. His hair is the same color as the others’, except for red highlights (think the blond part of Mikoto’s hair). There is a red spotlight on him. A pop-up appears pointing at the mannequin’s hoodie.

Grey Hoodie

Commonly used by villains.

Yet…

We further zoom in on the mannequin’s right hand, which is stained by a splatter of black liquid.

[Chorus build-up again]

If I could get it right

The purple lighting returns as Levi looks back at the mannequin with the yellow hoodie. He nods, and we get a close up of him snapping his fingers. 

But there’s little that I can do fine

The mannequin now has blush on, wearing the green hoodie with a yellow shirt underneath. It’s also wearing a deep purple skirt. A pop-up.

Proposed Outfit

At least I’m not bad at this. 

Even smaller things feel like they’re too much

Red lighting, on a shot of Levi’s back. He turns around, but we can’t see his face. The shot switches to show the back of the “skull shirt” boy, again lit up by a red spotlight. We also see as the back of the grey hoodie mannequin from before, hand still stained and still lit up by an orange spotlight. The boy is talking to the mannequin again, gesturing towards it, but now he’s wearing a grey hoodie which is hanging off one of his shoulders. His hand is stained by a splatter of black liquid. 

It just feels like there’s no helping my…

The shot zooms in on the stained hand. 

We get a close up of Levi’s mouth, red lighting still noticeable. He snarls.

[Chorus again]

Patchwork heart beating along! (I) Can’t collapse, now keep it warm! (II) Even if it’s freezing, (III) come on fix it, make the passion thaw! (IV)

(I) We see the heart beating to the beat again, once more with blue lighting, and now it looks like this:

(II) We switch to Levi sitting, looking slightly up as if staring at the heart, expression serious. 

(III) We get a different shot of Levi, now hunched over while sitting on a chair. His expression is still serious. Something out of focus is covering the foreground, and Levi turns to look at it. 

(IV) The camera flips to the thing he was staring at. It’s the purple sleeveless jacket he wears in canon, as well as his canon set of purple gloves and his pink tie. Pop-ups!

Purple Jacket

My favorite. Reminds me of work.

Pink Tie

Stylish yet professional. Reminds me of work.

Magenta Gloves

Comfortable. Cover a lot. Remind me of work. 

A patchwork heart beating along! (I) Can’t collapse, now keep it warm! (II) Even if it’s freezing, (III) I’ll just fix it, make the passion thaw! (IV)

(I) We switch to the purple boots he wears in canon. Levi’s out of focus in the background.

Purple Boots

Comfortable. Remind me of work. 

(II) We get another shot of Levi looking at the clothes, with a contemplative expression. The heart can be seen beating in the background. 

(III) Close-up of Levi sighing.

(IV) Another shot of the jacket and gloves, except now Levi grabs them. 

[Unlike last time, the music doesn’t linger, but rather switches to a bridge. The music is still pretty energetic, but less powerful than in the chorus]

Perhaps it would be better… (I) To give up and let it be, (II) Worse to burn rather than freeze (III)

(I) Levi contemplates the clothes he grabbed. 

(II) We cut to him putting an arm through the purple jacket. 

(III) The jacket is now hanging off one of his shoulders, as he’s putting the other hand through the hole where the sleeve would be. Before he fully puts it on, he looks to the side. 

But still, I would regret it… (I) Abandoning them all, (II) Let the core of my soul rot (III)

(I) We see the grey hoodie mannequin again. Still lit up by the orange spotlight, still with black liquid on its hands. Skull Shirt boy is also there, again lit up red, again talking, again with a grey hoodie hanging off his shoulder, again with stains on his hands.

This time, though, the other three boys from the table scene are also there. They’re all lit up by red spotlights, and they all also have grey hoodies hanging off one shoulder. Heartbreaker Shirt and Party Shirt have similar talkative expressions, while Theater Shirt is hunched over with a placid smile on his face.

(II) The screen splits in three zoomed in shots of the new boys’ hands. They’re all stained with black liquid. 

(III) Back to a shot of Levi’s face with blue lighting, he seems to be staring at the other boys with a concerned expression. In the background, a clothes hanger with a grey hoodie comes into focus. 

So, instead… 

We get a close-up of Levi’s chest, and we see his mouth as he sighs. The jacket falls off his shoulder. 

[Pre-chorus music again]

I have to make things right

Close-up of the clothes hanger with the grey hoodie, and Levi grabs it roughly. As the music-only part plays, we get a shot of his back at an angle as he looks at the hoodie, his jacket fully off.

Protect them all, just one last time

We see Levi putting on the hoodie. First one arm, then the other. He puts on brass knuckles. Pop-ups:

Grey Hoodie

…

Brass Knuckles

…

We focus on his head as he throws the hoodie over it. The lighting fades into orange. 

Doesn’t matter there’s no going back

The shot focuses back on the mannequin with the hoodie, orange spotlight still there. The camera is shaking. The shot goes back to Levi, who is walking at first, but then starts running. 

After all, there is no saving my…

There’s quick flashing between Levi running with orange lighting and the grey hoodie, with a background that slowly turns white; then the thumbnail image; back to the grey hoodie; then a shot of Levi’s back as he stares at the heart with blue lighting. The Levi that stares at the heart is wearing his canon outfit (purple jacket - gloves - boots).

[The music goes silent, a preparation for a beat drop]

The video slows down as we focus on the grey hoodie mannequin. The camera “blinks” and the mannequin turns into a human; a scraggly man with an uneven beard and short black hair, wearing the same grey hoodie. He's facing away, but turns around as the camera closes in. The environment changes; the colored lighting disappears, and we are now in an alleyway. 

A shot of Levi from the man’s back, as Levi braces for a right hook.

Patchwork heart (I) beating along! (II) Just once more, weather the storm! (III) Even if it’s freezing, I can’t fix it, it will never thaw! (IV)

(I) A close-up of the man’s stomach, as Levi’s punch connects with his gut. 

(II) Right as the punch connects, the scene switches to one of the heart’s stitches, between the Party Shirt and the Theater Shirt. Levi’s hand is now grabbing those stitches, and he pulls on them. The camera follows his hand as he rips them from the heart, blue blood splattering all over.

(III) Back to the alleyway, the man shoves Levi away. He throws a left hook at Levi’s face, but Levi ducks to his left and throws his own left hook at the man’s stomach. 

(IV) The scene again switches to the heart, with Levi grabbing the stitches between the Skull Shirt section and the Heartbreaker section with his left hand. The shot quickly switches to Levi’s face, which is splattered with blue blood. He frowns. Back to the heart, and Levi’s fist clenches.

Ripping, bleeding out a song! (I) Break it now, (II) then have it sown! (III) Patchwork heart beating alone! (IV) I will keep on living, (V) even living with my stitches torn! (VI) 

(I) Again, Levi rips out the stitches, causing blue blood to splatter.

(II) Back to the alley, we get a close-up of the man falling to one knee from pain. Levi raises his right fist…

(III) Back to the blue lighting, black background and heart. Levi’s holding up loose threads with blue blood on his raised right hand.

(IV) Back to the alleyway, we get a shot from the man’s back as Levi punches him in the head with his brass knuckles, recreating his Undercover killshot. The man spits out (red) blood. 

(V) A shot of Levi from behind his ankles, the man’s body lying still in the background, blood under him.

(VI) The shot pans up quickly, switching back to the heart scene as “stitches torn” is sung. We get one good look at the heart, which is now fully blue, but filled with gashes where the stitches used to be. 

[The music begins winding down for the ending]

The shot pans backwards to let us see Levi’s back, the heart beating more slowly and not with the beat anymore. He’s wearing his full canon outfit. There’s a glitch effect as the heart disappears, and the lighting changes to orange, but Levi’s outfit doesn’t change. The room is completely empty, but there’s (red) blood splatters on the floor.

My stitches torn!

The lighting changes to red, and while Levi’s clothes don’t change, the room is now completely barren. A few moments after, the lighting changes to purple, the same desks from the beginning surrounding Levi who, you guessed, hasn’t changed clothes.

The shot zooms in on Levi’s back, as he sighs.

[The music fades out, save for one last lyric]

Patchwork heart beating along!

He turns around, the screen glitches again as he does. The lighting is now white, and the background has changed to the wall with the height marks of one of the Undercover cells. Levi’s clothes change to the Milgram uniform, and he holds up his Undercover prisoner card. A final pop-up appears on the uniform.

Strange Clothes

The outfit of a murderer

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MonoTV: I see you’ve made it to the end of the post!

Es: Huh?

M: Now, it’s time to hand out the verdict! Make sure to think carefully, you only have one vote, and one week to decide how you’re gonna vote!

E: Wait, who are you talking to?

M: Will you make the right choice? Or the wrong one? 

E: Uh…

M: Trick question! There is no right choice! It’s just a choice!

E: Hello? Is there anyone there? 

M: With that, it’s…

VOTING TIME!!!

[yourhealingjournal]

Hey.

I'm really struggling with PTSD related anger lately and it has ruined a lot in my life. I feel like crap for unintentionally hurting people and feeling like I have to defend myself to the death. Do you have any advice or reassurance for dealing with mental illness and anger?

Thank you!

first of all I AM SO SORRY FOR JUST ANSWERING THIS. i didn’t get notified by tumblr dot com that i have an ask on my inbox waiting my bad

my first thought reading your ask is that anger does not make you a terrible person. & i would argue you’re not a terrible person because i have the proof of you sending in this ask which to me shows: a) you’re aware of the hurt you’re causing as a byproduct of your anger & b) you want to change and be better about it.

& then you mentioned two things i’d address separately:

re: feeling like defending yourself constantly - i don’t know what you’ve been through but it must have been really tough and exhausting. i hope you’re far away from the situation that hurts you & i’m also so sorry that the effects of it still isolates you. feeling the urge to defend yourself often is one of the unfortunate consequences trauma can leave behind.

i think defensiveness that comes out from trauma often stems from a belief that a part of you is being threatened. this can be from you or your choices always being questioned or scrutinized (threatens your security of self), not being believed (threatens your sense of reality) / having to explain yourself constantly but not still being understood, not having a safe place to live (threatens your physical security), etc. it can also be feeling threatened for your own self and survival when you perceive the threat to be too big or strong for you to handle. most trauma modalities argue any of the 4Fs are survival mechanisms that ultimately serve to protect us one way or another.

unfortunately, even after we’ve removed yourself from the harmful environment, our nervous system requires time to catch up. anger is a form of fight & like you said it feels like constantly defending yourself.

my advice (if you’re at a point where you’re ready to process your trauma & can do so safely) is to not shame your anger, but ask what is it so angry about (not in a judgmental way, but a curious one). you can keep track of an anger log to see what triggers that anger to come out. what event did it remind you of that you have the urge to defend yourself now? the roots of our current responses are wired in the past.

anger can also be a presentation of resentment that was built up overtime so you can also ask what you’re resenting about the other person or situation. i’d suggest not thinking too deep about any of these questions — writing or typing might be easier to just get the thoughts out. you may find a deeper understanding of where your anger comes from, from the process alone.

if you’re not a place to process it deeply, you can start with accepting that your anger exists. i think all our trauma responses really boil down to needing safety & comfort & protection so each time the anger comes, i hope you give that acknowledgment and comfort to yourself. it can be difficult to have gratitude for a part of you that responds in a way that can put you in a disadvantageous situation, so you can start with a neutral statement like: “I see you’re trying to protect me.” or “you don’t have to be angry any longer. you can let the anger go now. i can protect you.” (i’m borrowing a bit from IFS parts work’s framework of thinking). my point is yes your anger can be misplaced, but your anger did come from somewhere so it’s not something you need to shame yourself over because also to your other point:

re: you feel like crap, you said, because you know the anger wasn’t the response you wanted to emulate at that point in time. you can fix that. my only advice for this is to apologize once you’ve calmed down to the people you unintentionally hurt. (not saying you don’t already do this by the way) if you’d like (&it seems appropriate to disclose that in your relationship with them), you can also tell them it’s something you’re working on (e.g. let’s say you got angry at someone you barely know or only know as your work buddy, you can say ‘sorry about the other day, it was a long one’ v.s. If it’s someone you’re close with like a friend, then you can say “sorry about x event. i’m working on my anger”). you dont have to disclose the why you have the anger in the first place, but if you feel that beneficial to your relationship, go forth.

with other people in the equation, the solution is not so much to isolate but to titrate. by that i mean:

first, if you can limit the amount of contact from people who trigger you (e.g. a well meaning relative but really they push your buttons), do so for the time being.

if however these are say a deeply beloved friend who you haven’t seen each other in a while or a situation where you can’t limit contact with them (e.g. work, etc.), when you start to feel frustrated, remove yourself from the environment if able. make an excuse like needing to use the bathroom, “let me check and get back to you”, etc. if it’s not feasible and you have to stay in the room or you don’t want to draw attention to yourself, distract with doing something that can delay your response. for example, drinking your choice of beverage, walking away to get something before returning, etc. ideally we all can leave & disappear when something triggers us but that superpower hasn’t been invented yet.

i didn’t say “triggered” and use “frustrated” because sometimes there’s a build up to one snapping. build ups can range from not getting enough sleep the night before, being hungry, & anything else that can impact one’s mood regulation. the acknowledgment of where you are on the scale of being on top of your mood regulation game is dependent on you checking in with yourself daily. you can do this in the morning / afternoon / evening where you just ask yourself where you are on the scale of tolerance. mostly it’s to let yourself know like “hey i didn’t get much sleep last night so i might be a little bit more prone to being angry so let’s make a plan around that (eg. limit contact with people who trigger you, don’t watch the news if you know the news tends to make you feel bad, etc.)”.

i also think if you don’t find the idea of check-ins appealing, you can also do this retrospectively so at the very least even if you find it difficult to accept your anger, you can validate your emotions. let’s say you got angry at someone, you can ask yourself the basic checklist questions like; when’s the last time you eat? drink? sleep? any physical discomfort? all of these do contribute to our mood. maybe the coffee machine broke that day & when it happened it didn’t make you upset but it is one thing that didn’t go the way you expected so it’s another drop on the tolerance meter. & then you’ll find that wow of course you lost your cool: you didn’t sleep, your body aches, a customer was being a bit difficult even if not hostile, a lot of little things add up and then the neighbor just had to mow the lawn when i’m trying to sleep. like idk if i were you i’d lose my shit too. did the neighbor deserve it? no. could i have responded “better”? yeah but i get why i’m upset.

which brings us to the second part of titrating: mood regulation. this is a whole other thing i can get into but the gist is accepting & validating what your mood is right now (eg yes i’m angry & it makes sense as to why i’m angry — even if the situation you’re not in makes sense like the scenario above, your anger comes from somewhere. maybe you don’t even know why you’re angry but that anger is still valid. you can say: ok i’m angry right now idk why but i am and that’s okay.) then process it with whatever method works for you. trial & error. counter to what i mention about the anger log: you don’t always have to know the reason behind your anger to process it.

some activities to process anger & if you’re simply asking how to deal with anger when you feel it once you’re alone: movement helps. exercise no matter how low intensity it is still works. walking. venting to yourself on a voice note then deleting it as a symbol to delete the anger can also work. punching a pillow. squeezing a stuffed animal. screaming to a pillow. screaming to the void. needlepointing. knitting. plonk keys on the piano. crying is another option. that’s all i have for today.

now once you’re in a better mood and headspace & more equipped with skills, you can relax rule no 1 of limiting contact. ideally i’d also suggest doing some somatic work to rewire your nervous system but that’s a whole other post.

ps. sorry i get a bit sassy & humorous at the end with the scenario. i wanted to get this out asap but it’s 4 am and i am running on 2 hours of sleep. i hope this answers your ask.

[goldentigerfestival]

We are now on part 3 of the differences in the original Vesperia context (and tone!) versus the dub! Due to Tumblr's image limit, these had to be cut into parts.

Part 1.

Part 2.

Part 4.

(Other) GTF Favorites.

Yuri just mentions they're not nervous at all here. The dub changed this to "let's have some decency here". Again, super random change that I'm not sure why they put there. They just really have a weird thing for changing really random context.

I NEED to put these ones side by side because this one is completely ridiculous. They had Alexei not only say "urgh!" instead of "hmph", but he sounds like he's getting stabbed. I genuinely do question what on earth they were doing with this game sometimes, but I can also tell they didn't quality check like, anything... if the grammar and awkward sounding English in some places is anything to go by (a lot of NPC/sidequest dialogue in the dub ended up really wonky, and they didn't even go back to fix any of it when the DE came out). Like. What happened here LMAO.

no but really this is just here because i find "lend me your face" very funny because that's what this literally says. it technically does mean "we need to talk/can we talk/etc", i just need some amusement before getting into dub yuri again.

Yuri's tone shifts more to catching his breath and calming down here. Again, as usual, it's a lot less aggressive than the dub makes it out to be. He was yelling this time, but he wasn't yelling the whole way through it like dub Yuri almost always does with Flynn before late arc 2.

I'm not gonna put pictures of all the times there's more vocal nuance (pauses, deep breaths, etc), but just know they're everywhere in the original audio. Really nice touch imo.

Flynn never says anything about "like a good knight". The way the dub uses it with him, and at this point? feels very derogatory, especially having him say it about himself.

This is really just "geez...", but the dub (you guessed it: more aggressively) put "damn it, Flynn...".

Here, Yuri was saying more of just "here we go again with Flynn putting all the responsibility onto himself". Once again, the dub has him angrily yell at Flynn and changes the context to make him angrier.

Flynn didn't tell Yuri what to do. He just said he was going to go after Estelle because it was his responsibility, and that his brigade will focus on Ioder. Again, the dub just makes shit up to put Flynn down (yes, you can probably realize I'm getting annoyed with this fact by now).

Yuri continues his thought by saying "anyway, the ones who will recuse Estelle is us, Brave Vesperia", i.e. he's basically saying "there you go again trying to take responsibility, but we're the ones who will be doing that". Dub Yuri continues his thought, angrily, saying Brave Vesperia's going to rescue Estelle (i.e. he's saying don't tell me what to do, we're going to do this", not "anyway, we'll be the ones to rescue Estelle" in response to Flynn trying to bear that burden.

At this point Yuri has dropped his anger in the original and is more back to his usual self with Flynn. Flynn's response is slightly vocally changed, seeming more shocked-surprised in the dub, but in the original it's more grateful-surprised. Kinda hard for me to explain without a video, so I'll have one in my clips.

Sodia doesn't say she'll return when she can. She's asking that Flynn gets back when he can (which makes more sense in context since she didn't want him staying here and not being with Ioder in the first place). The dub does this sometimes where they get the speaker and person spoken to/about mixed up, like with Aifred and Patty and Don earlier.

Flynn's thanks toward Yuri in the original is much more genuine/heartfelt. Yuri's response is infinitely more relieved, relaxed and grateful, spoken softly (the dub again really flattened his tone).

Here's the clip for this scene.

I really enjoy the original context of this scene because Rita tells Estelle to wake up, Alexei's response is "very well" and he wakes her up with her power, so he's using a taunting power move. In the dub he says "no matter". I guess he means waking her up is no matter? But that feels a bit easy to misinterpret imo? I just feel like "very well" makes more sense given the context.

I'm... NOT sure what happened here in the dub. He says "take us there" and just walks off. Take them... where? Sodia is asking him to return to Ioder, and Flynn is saying he wants to go after Alexei while ordering his brigade to go protect Ioder. Where would they take them? All he's supposed to be asking here is for Sodia to please let him go (after Alexei).

Not gonna make a whole video for this one clip, but Yuri's tone is a lot gentler here and a lot more understanding. As... as usual with Flynn and the dub and the original.

In the dub he says "that's enough", but here he's basically expressing how he's getting sick of various individuals insisting the world's crisis is all because of one person (Estelle).

The dub changed this to "what the hell?!". Personally I find Yuri yelling at him and calling him an idiot to make more sense in the context/fit more in line with his personality.

The dub changed this to saying Yuri can really be a downer sometimes. Once again, a case where I think the original line makes more sense. I'm not saying that just to knife the dub here - I genuinely just think the dub had some really whacky word choices and unnecessary changes, aside from the weird mistakes in the context (again, see the "take us there" and "please" scene).

Also have a video clip of this scene (and the Schwann stuff before it), because while the tone was pretty strongly different for parts of the Schwann scenes, this one was inarguably the worst contender. Yuri in the dub is shouting rudely at Leblanc and his knights. Here, Yuri is just solemnly asking for them to please not get in their way (he uses "tanomu", which is essentially "please"/asking for a favor, etc. It's significantly more considerate than the unnecessary shouting from the dub (and lack of polite wording) despite that they're all in an immense amount of emotional pain right now, and it shows deeply in Yuri's voice here).

As usual, Yuri treats all the knights worse in the dub than he actually really does in the original.

A small change, but figured I'd drop it off here nonetheless. Just Yuri teasing Rita lol.

For the first one, didn't want to make a whole clip for it, but his voice is very soft and sad.

Second one, he says he prays that day never comes, versus the dub's "earnestly".

Yuri doesn't say anything about "showing off" (he specifically calls Flynn reckless) and as usual he's just very casual, relaxed and lighthearted about it. I also have a video clip of this one.

(Flynn doesn't even show off! He's just saving Zaphias! How is that showing off?!)

Yuri doesn't say "look out", which... makes more sense, because the monster isn't attacking yet. He's just realizing the danger and getting Karol out.

Also, Yuri in the original actually says in desperation that he's begging Karol to run. He doesn't say "I told you to get out of here", he's literally begging Karol to run away (again, uses "tanomu" here). Has much more emotional weight in the original and Yuri is very clearly panicked (the dub once again just makes him sound angry and less filled with desperation of getting Karol out of there).

This is another one I have a video clip for.

He's not saying anything about "taking the fun out of it", but rather that the situation is discouraging (the current state of outside), but that they're thriving (thanks to Ioder). Another change I'm... not sure the reason for?

Sometimes they have very understandable changes, but some of them are like this where I just can't pinpoint the reason for it; or if it was a translation mistake, how they made that specific translation mistake.

Slight change, but sounds less sarcastic to me in the original. Given the dub's history with Yuri and Flynn though, I'm not surprised I feel that way...

Buddy I try to be as reasonable as I can be with this dub, but sometimes I gotta draw a line. The way they tried to make Yuri sound cool and edgy by having him straight up threaten Ioder for literally no reason (Ioder isn't even saying anything bad, he's just asking what's going to happen to Estelle and mentioning that Yuri is trying to shoulder the burden of killing her alone) is not something I am getting over lol.

Ioder says maybe Yuri's the one the sword was waiting for, and Yuri mostly playfully just says he'll punch him. He did not threaten him and by all things holy did not threaten to use a weapon against him in a dark, eerie tone like he hated this guy. Yeah, I'm sure he doesn't like the implication of "maybe you should be emperor", but he's not threatening Ioder and Ioder has literally never done anything to deserve being threatened by Yuri. He's very fond of Yuri and extremely considerate to him given that he doesn't have to answer jack shit of Yuri's questions but tells him everything, always, anyway.

Also have a video clip for this one.

The difference here is Flynn is using quotations, implying he understands that "save" may also mean kill, which was completely left out of the dub.

Karol wonders if Khroma wants them to stop Alexei. For some reason the dub changed Yuri's response to "it would add up", but in the original he doesn't bother thinking about it nor considering that it's a possibility (which I imagine is the game's way of hinting to you that she's not referring to Alexei).

The Sword Stair arc has a bunch of small changes littered throughout it, but none of them are too significant so I'm going to skip going through most of this arc as far as those changes go. Generally speaking the sidequests (in the whole game in general, with a few having some minor changes as usual) and Zaude are about the same, so I'll also be mostly skipping those. Video clips are more for tonal differences (or just my personal favorite scenes in JP), so for these particular posts I'll be skipping the majority of those.

Worth mentioning that overall the plot is left alone in translation, and a lot of things are actually pretty much spot on. The majority of the alterations and changes, as you may have noticed at this point, relate primarily to Yuri and Flynn respectively (often treating Flynn poorly or making him sound like a hardheaded law enforcer, which is not the case at all but that is another post entirely for another time).

Once again due to the image limit we'll be moving on to another post!

[daengtokki]

Your story is like the first one I’ve been so deeply captivated by when it comes to serial killer shit, like I can’t explain it. Sure I’ve read yandares and silly ghost face skz story’s, but this one made me feel…disgusted? Like I’ve never had a fictional story about skz make me feel so grossed out. I don’t want you to take it as a negative thing, and if you do i apologize 🩷

I’ve read sooooo many fics through three years and I was a little bit skeptical when I first read the “serial killer! Seungmin” but I’m glad I kept reading cause I’m so excited for the next part.

What I meant by the “it grossed me out” part, is the scene where he killed the man? I don’t know why but I dead ass almost threw up, might be cause I’m sick and the only thing I’ve been consuming are medications. But holy fuck dude, I had to step away😭

Also!! I got so, frustrated? And confused? When she DIDNT LEAVE THE COUNTRY!? A MAN JUST KILLED YOU FOR LIKE TWO MINUTES AND YOURE OVER HERE KISSING HIS LIPS AND WHAT NOT.

But I think that’s what makes a story good! The minute a fic I’m reading is making me feel some kind of emotions, better bet I’m reading until the fkn end.

Anyway, pardon my rant, and again I really hope you don’t take it as offensive, but if you do I’d totally get it tbh.

Stay safe and healthy! Lots of love🩷🌺

Sorry I took so long responding, but I really had to gather my thoughts for this one. Apologies for it being so long and for me basically taking an opportunity to unload.

All of the "negative" parts popped out because I was so tired and out of it. And I was like “oh no please don’t hate please don’t hate the story” 😭 ㅋㅋ ㅋ I'm out of it today, too, so hopefully I type this up properly.

But I don’t take your comments negatively! My job as a writer is to make you feel all of the emotions my characters are dealing with.

So thank you for taking the time to write all of this out! Seriously. I'm a little floored anyone (this goes for everyone who has sent a message or left a long comment about the fic) has been reading thoughtfully enough to catch everything l've been putting into the story. We’ll be getting more into readers fucked up head very soon, since you mentioned that!

I’m glad these not so pretty parts have gotten a reaction out of you, because I’ll take that as me writing the scenes well! That’s very important to me as a writer, and as someone who has always taken writing seriously. I love writing simple fanfic that you guys can lose yourself in, because that’s why I picked up ff again after stopping for many years. And because of Seungmin, ofc. But this is also why I was very nervous about posting DEITY even though I’ve been wanting to do serial killer!Seungmin for months now. I knew it couldn’t be simple, but I had no idea it would already be this long halfway through (almost 50k words). After writing the intro and getting into the first part, I decided to just write an entire novel. I already had the plot in my head.

I don’t see many stories like this on tumblr, but I also don’t read much (I’m not exaggerating when I say all of my free time is spent writing) so putting something darker out there that wasn’t just oneshot smut was a little scary. I’m aware that’s what get most of the attention on here (short stuff, ott smut, ~imagines, etc) and why even though I have readers like you, I don’t have much in the way of likes and reblogs. It does get discouraging, but I’m pushed forward when I think about all of you reading each part.

So ANYWAY. Sorry this got so long. Thank you so much for your reblogs and your comments on those reblogs. It’s so important to me and the other writers on tumblr.

And thank you Seungmin for being my muse. I wouldn’t be writing every day again without you making me so delusional.

Again, sorry if this is too much and none of it makes sense. I took too much of one of my meds today and I’m very dizzy and lethargic from it.

[babyboiboyega]

a new oneshot?? 👀 does that mean new....next to me chapter?

maam please, were dying

........So! About that! I might as well post the original update to this ask lmao

Next To Me Update

* this entire post is me just typing out whatever comes to mind when it comes to Next To Me, and I'd really appreciate it if you read it because it has to do with the future of NTM <3 *

If you've kept up with Next To Me (NTM), you'll know that there are 15 parts currently out with my original plan being a total of (around) 20 parts in total. I've found that I'm at a standstill when it comes to NTM as of right now. I planned out the entire plot y'all, complete with ideas of what would happen in each part until the end, but planning it was the (slightly) easy part; its when I tried to write them out that it became difficult.

To be quite honest, the last few chapters of NTM were a little difficult to write because I couldn't find that same motivation and inspiration, and every draft I wrote was personally underwhelming, and I sure as hell wasn't posting some mess for y'all.

Another very small reason was that the interactions started gradually becoming less and less, and a lot of it is on me because I don't really interact with others on here (despite how much I really want to). Now when I just stopped posting, it wasn't surprising when the interactions decreased; it made sense, it was understandable.

Another part that is my fault is I started viewing my own skill set and success off of those interactions. I initially posted those parts because I loved the story I came up with, the characters, the fandom, and the writing in and of itself. But it got to a point where I was allowing the number of notes each part received to dictate the motivation I felt to write the next part, and personally, I don't think it should be that way. At least not for me! Can't speak for everyone else lmao

And in doing so, in letting the number of notes essentially motivate me, I kinda lost sight of why I was writing NTM. I appreciate every comment and reblog and like...but I don't necessarily want that to be the main driving factor for why I post. I want to write/post because I love to do it, and then I'd like for the interactions to be the cherry on top yknow

BUT with that being said, there are some decisions I need to make regarding Next To Me, namely if I'm going to continue it, or if I'm going to put it on indefinite hiatus. If I do stop it, I have already started planning a sort of revamp for NTM with a better plot, new characters, better backstories, etc.

But on the other hand, if I keep writing it, it's going to be rather difficult to do so with the risk of plot holes and less-than-stellar writing. But all I can tell you now is as soon as I figure out what I'm doing, y'all will too lmao

Bless you and thank you so much if you read all of that. I've been feeling like this for a while and I was admittedly pretty nervous to bring it to tumblr, but eventually worked up the nerve to do so, especially because I wanted to give y'all some sort of update after a while of not posting anything.

For the TL;DR people: might stop NTM, might not. If I do, its because I have plans for a revamp; if I don't, be prepared for horrible writing that's a result of me just wanting to get it done lmao

But thanks for coming to my TED talk, and I'll see yall at the next project (whatever that may be) <3

Stay safe, y'all

[theinkedfoxsl]

was that questions post like an oc ask game but for you instead? i bet other people have asked questions but i want ALL OF THEM. bc i think u are so cool. please :3 n for 36: what is your very favorite time of day and why?

HHHHHHH

What is your nickname?

Len :3

When is your birthday?

I don't celebrate it! But I celebrate my name day on October 29th

What was your longest relationship?

5 years this June with Henrik :D

What is your favorite book?

Ripper by Stefan Petrucha. I was obsessed with it as a child

What is something you're insecure about?

Rn? My voice cracks. They're pretty bad with where I'm at on T and they embarrass me

5 Male celebrity crushes

Pedro Pascal, Joaquin Phoenix, Nic Cage, Ryan Gosling, and Hugh Jackman

5 Female celebrity crushes

Can I put Natalie Dormer for all of them? But her, Salma Hayek, Nicole Kidman, Jessica Alba, and Kesha!

What is your dream job?

I wanted to be a writer for a game company.

What do you consider your biggest accomplishment?

Landing Henrik- uhm but no, finishing the Ambros Twins. It meant a lot to me, and I put in a lot of work for it. Even if I don't go there anymore.

What is a fact about you that nobody would believe?

ALL OF MY WEIRD FACTS PEOPLE GO "that makes sense" SO IDK?? I'm afraid of the ocean?

What were your highs and lows for this last month?

Eugh,, the lady at the blood clinic has been really transphobic and ableist to me the last two times I've went and its really sucked. Today was particularly bad cause the barista and some random girls were also quite rude. But! I ordered my cane and I'm so so excited to get it! I also got a skin I wanted in Outlast Trials!

Where is somewhere you'd like to visit?

I wanna go back to Germany, it was so nice. But I want to visit Munich next time!

How do you de-stress?

Stressful video games :3

What are your favorite apps besides tumblr?

Discord! All my friends are in there.

Describe yourself in one sentence.

Exhausted and blunt but kind

What do you think makes you attractive?

My fierce determination to make things work even when I'm on a wire. The people I love, I love dearly. And they know that. I think its an attractive quality to have, to care so deeply about others.

What is something you're really good at?

Writing! I'm also really good at listening.

What is something you're really bad at?

ADVICE- I can listen but not give advice. I'm also fucking awful at soulslike games we've discovered (nobody is surprised)

A time that you told a lie.

Pretty much every day. I'm a compulsive liar, I'm working on it.

What's a totally random and useless fact that you know?

Some ladybugs can have no spots!

Who knows you the best?

Rowan or Henrik I think

What is your most prized possession?

My engagement ring.

What is your longest friendship?

MAX! I've known him since I was 16! Almost ten years yeesh

When did you first feel like an adult?

I still don't sometimes. But I'd just moved into my apartment on the lake to be closer to my job and I was sitting on this empty living room floor and I realised that I was well and truly alone. I wasn't a child at home anymore. I was alone and I was an adult.

Do you/ Have you played any sports?

I played volleyball, baseball, and I did track.

How are you feeling right now?

Like I said bad day, so I'm a bit sad. But I'm watching Max play Lies of P and I'm hanging with friends so hopefully better soon.

Are you an early bird or a night owl?

Night owl

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Chemical reaction at first sight lol

Favorite song lyrics right now?

"I'm blinded, how am I to find a path that's righteous?"

What does self care look like for you?

iced coffee and nap

Describe yourself with 3 singers.

Tonight Alive, Icon for Hire, Hollywood Undead

What makes you nervous?

everything

What’s a pet peeve you have?

CUTTING ME OFF CAUSE I WALK WEIRD GO AWAY

What will always make you cry?

Tadashi ):

What kind of first impression do you think you make on people?

Unpleasant. A lot of people don't like me. That's okay

what is your very favorite time of day and why?

3am! When I'm hanging out and its dark and things are quiet and I can just breathe

[bedazzlecunt]

Do you find that files work for you? Any changes in behavior? I'm interested in trying them out more but nervous about fucking myself up long term

okay so i want to clarify that like. i don't like the way tumblr talks about hypnosis. it's totally divorced from the actual science of hypnosis and the extent to which it works and HOW it works, and folks tend to talk about like it's at once all-powerful and also not powerful at all. on the one hand hypnosis can totally ruin your life and take you over without your control, on the other hand it's impossible to be hypnotized if you didn't want it so if you did get hypnotized it's your fault. it's powerful enough to remake you entirely and also too weak to do anything you didn't already want. anybody talking about ANYTHING this way is a red flag and simply doesn't match the science or even just pass the smell test. i would be really, really wary about listening to how hypnokink tumblr talks about things like files or hypnosis broadly. take it all with a grain of salt ( this includes my advice in this post! ) do some actual research on actual hypnosis if you're curious on the mechanics because tumblr is lying to you.

so with that out of the way, with me in particular, i don't think that listening to hypnofiles has compelled any changes in behavior on their own. while i definitely have conditioned myself in some ways — i pull up my shirt when i masturbate now, for example, without thinking about it or consciously choosing it, it just happens — i can't trace much of that solely or even mostly to any files and can trace a lot of it to things i intentionally did. i trained myself to get off playing tetris by doing xyz; that does not have anything to do with files.

BUT. also. files have been a part of my kink journey for a while, so it's not as if i can say with total confidence that they didn't Help with any of the conditioning i've initiated in myself. did looping 'bimbo is better, dumber is funner!' through college influence my love of miniskirts? who's to say! it's all connected, and i am the way i am now as the result of me doing a lot of things to make myself sluttier and dumber and etc. what i can say with utmost confidence is that there are no changes, either from files or otherwise, that i couldn't easily opt out of or that i can't choose not to do, if i woke up tomorrow and decided i didn't want to. i'm in control. no file in the world has gotten under my skin enough to make any changes i didn't want and couldn't easily stop.

maybe i'm less susceptible than others! mayhaps i am simply built different. but kink friends i know it meatspace and not on the highly-curated play-pretend world of tumblr kink describe feeling pretty similar as i do. so the short answer of this section is "you're probably fine, the risk of longterm changes you don't want and can't stop is thin."

THAT BEING SAID!!!! a lot of hypnokink, especially on tumblr — again, because kink tumblr actually sucks — is designed to get under skin, to play on trauma. they're designed to be relaxing and comfy and offer you an "out." if you find you're susceptible to that sort of thing generally — do you feel mega compelled to buy the newest thing some influencer is trying to get you to buy to fix your life? — then be very careful about that sort of thing. pay attention to warnings or descriptions, and don't fuck with any files that aren't clear about what they are, especially when it's too early on for you to actually have a sense of what gets to you and what doesn't. be clear about what you want to happen, and don't try anything that claims it's going to be long-lasting until, again, you have a sense of what might affect you and what doesn't. just because stuff doesn't affect me in big ways doesn't make that experience universal, and you want to be careful about anybody putting ideas in your head, no matter the format

anyway this is all long and nonsense but the answer from me overall is just stay safe. take care of yourself. err on the side of caution. but, no, you're probably not going to fuck up your life long term, especially if you're being careful and on guard against that. lmk how it works out if you decide to try some stuff out!

also DONT listen to bambi sleep not only is it DESIGNED to be shitty re: consent the content is also just fucking bad

[horizonspurple]

Hi☺️

I knoww, it's really hard, I'm pretty indecisive as well. I've seen AND loved all of those series, other than Alice in Borderland, I actually haven't heard about it before. And all honestly those are all so different so how are you supposed to choosee. I don't think I can choose one at all, tho I will say that I enjoyed Atypical a lot as well, I feel like it has a very similar air as Sex Education, tho a very different plot. Amd a recent favourite of mina has been Cunk on Earth. I found it really funny. I don't know if you know it but it's a comedical documentary in a way. This character: Filomena Cunk goes around museums and good schools and asks experts questions on history. And the experts don't really know what she's gonna ask and some react very smartly and insightfully while some are just completelly stunned. She asks questions like (were humans from the same flesh as we are or were they made from pork or beef?). I like the humor in it a lot. And there's one point in which she asks one expert if the Romans invented anal bleaching. His reaction is priceless🤭.

I saw @lord-of-dice-and-kinks is taking a break from tumblr. Hope he's okay:) and social media can honestly be so draining.

Hm I guess the thing about fetlife that I don't like is that since you have to register to see how it is I don't really get to see if it's something I will like if that makes any sense. And I also don't like that you put in your city, I know it can still be anonymous but I don't know. As much as I know it's completelly okay I'm kinky and that if someone is on fetlife as well it's nothing that will shake the world, but I feel like in order for me to comfortably explor this side of me I just really like anonymity.

Hm🤭okay so maybeee I have a thing for Tom Riddle fanfictions. Well I haven't read one in a while but it was my thing. One of my favourite fanfictions in Unsphere the Stars. It's not necesarilly kinky but I enjoy Tom being a dark character and it's really well writen.

No spoilers, but there's definitely spicy scenes🤭I'm sure he's enjoying your research hihi.

I'm glad you have people around you that can help you with that, it has happened to me as well. And you're beautiful:) your personality absolutelly gorgeous.

Hm I like that I'm curious and I really like my hair:)

:)

Oh I knoww, starting to write is so hard. Hm random idea you're totally free to ignore but a story starting with "Make me," sounds like a lot of fun🤭

Oh and for the question which is from the list of questions you rebloged because I couldn't think of an original one🤭what's your favourite foreplay activity?

Hope you have fun:)

-your sleepy anon

Heyy

Ohhhh so fun that you like all of those!! You have good taste xD Alice in Borderland is really good but it's also pretty gorey and dark so it's not for everyone, but it's such a well thought out plot Oohh Atypical is a good one as well! Cunk on earth is on my watchlist, I've seen little blips come by and it looked really funny :) Oh my god that sounds very funny haha, I definitely need to watch it now!

He's doing okay! He just needed some time to focus on himself a bit more

I get that, that made me a little nervous at first as well, but it does make sense privacy wise People post nudes and sensitive images on there and it would not be ethical if just anyone without an account could see However, with the city thing you can choose who can see the city, state and country you live on For example, I have my city only visible for friends but I could also make it so only I can see it Same goes for state and country,a dn I guess if you wanna be very safe you can put in a fake country and city Mhm I get that anonimity part I'll just share that there are a lot of people that keep their profile really empty, you don't have to put a picture, you don't have to put in your legit age (although you should still be atleast 18+ before joining) and your legit country/city and you don't have to write a bio However it is just nicer if you decide to interact with people to have some stuff on your profile so others know you're not a creep or something But that is all up to you, I hope this information can help you make a choice about what you think is best for you 😊

Ohh Tom Riddle, nicee Mhmm well written dark characters can be so goodd!

Can't wait to read them 🤭

Thank youu 🥺☺ so sweet Ohh being curious is a very fun trait! And I'm sure you're hair is superpretty :)

Oohh that sounds like a very bratty start to a story xD I might do that 👀 would have tot hink of some bratty words and actions first tho hihi

Hihi that's okay! As foreplay I really like making out, playfighting/wrestling a little, dirty talk (although I am not good at it xD) And lots of touching/oral How about you?

Thank you for another fun message 😊 And hope you had a good day!

[thaleleah]

it's amazing that an actual language was made for this franchise!

yesss neteyam, his death was heartbreaking. i've seen a lot of edits on him on tiktok 👀 i'm assuming he's really popular in the fandom, right?

it makes no sense how far these people would go when something bothers them so much. like focus on real shit 🤦🏻‍♀️ so many people just like reading non con because it's just a fantasy of theirs (there's literal studies on this being a common fantasy amongst women; and these people should educate themselves) and so many people who read and write non con are also survivors of sa and it helps them. so stfu with telling people what's wrong and what's right. it's fiction. it's their life and there is nothing you can do about it 🙄

(Does that person you mentioned who writes for Avatar write smut? Or is she a minor? I'm so curious)

all her stuff is smut and she's a grown ass woman. her blog is very cringe because she literally acts like a 15 year old. and she's really bitter and hateful tbh. a very negative person. she's always trying to start something.

tal... your spider fics were sooooo good. i loved the rumor mill (he honestly looks like someone who eats a girl out well 🤭) and push me, push back (a lil dark too, huh?) you capture is character so well because he's already so cocky as it is 😌 tal... you sure did him justice 🩵✨

so who's your favorite character to write for from the avatar fandom? 🥰

oh the dog story is def bs! it was either stepshit or stepshits shitty brother!

istg stepshit literally has a death wish. i honestly wouldn't be surprised he does it on purpose to rile you up to get your mom to turn against you. cause that's what stepmonster does with me.

i still can't believe that pos isn't helping your poor mom clean up with anything... 🤦🏻‍♀️ what a fucking loser.

i'm doing well, tal 🩷 kinda been spending the week only watching shows and movies so it's been quite relaxing!

also since we're on avatar. i saw this photo on insta a couple days ago of tom from halloween:

https://www.instagram.com/tomblythfan/p/C01gk9WJjFo/?img_index=1

i'm assuming the guy below him is neteyam...? such a cute lil crossover we having going on here 🥰

and this photo of jack...

https://www.instagram.com/p/C25CGECAhnx/?hl=en

this has me feral. but i'm curious tho. is he going to be an avatar in the next film? because of his suit?

- 🍯🐝

I'm so impressed with everything world-building related to Avatar cause its just so amazing. Very few things capture my attention and heart for as long as Avatar has.

Neteyam is def the most popular in the fandom lol. No other character can compare to the amount of fics there are for him (except maybe Jake). Neteyam is my fav character to write for though. I feel like his personality just comes through really easily in the writing.

EXACTLY! I'm so glad you get it cause I'm so tired of seeing people get put down just for liking to read something. It's all fantasy - what's wrong with letting people read what they want? It also makes me sad because I struggled with wanting to read noncon for a loooooong time cause of the guilt I felt about it, and it took me a long time to finally understand that liking it isn't bad. And it makes me sad to see other people getting bullied for liking it too when I know they either probably struggled with the same thing or are still struggling and the nasty assholes who don't know how to mind their own business won't leave them alone. So frustrating.

all her stuff is smut and she's a grown ass woman. her blog is very cringe because she literally acts like a 15 year old. and she's really bitter and hateful tbh. a very negative person. she's always trying to start something.

The way my curiosity is shooting through the fucking roof. You should send me a separate ask with her tumblr name so I can know who this person is. I don't think I interact with anyone on my other blog that's said this but now I'm nervous.

I'm so glad you liked my Spider fics! Eeeeeeeee~ The Rumor Mill is def my fav so far. He's actually really fun to write for too.

🤦🏻‍♀️ what a fucking loser.

You said it, babes. Both our stepparents are fucking losers.

I'm glad you're doing good! That sounds soooo relaxing and I def need a week like that. What kind of stuff have you been watching? Got any recs for me?

The pics are so cute! Tom looks adorable as Shaggy lmaooo. And Jack is a cutie. I hope that this is him getting an Avatar, but I doubt it. Mayyybeee in one of the future movies but I know he had to wear a motion capture suit when filming A2 I think to make up for the height difference between him and the Na'vi. He had to film every one of his scenes twice lol