#i figured id post a day before the actual day of Halloween because it felt right—

[iced-souls]

Happy Halloween to @kqrmen1 from the @rottmnt-secret-gifting extravaganza!!

Some many turtley peoples! First time drawing most and had a lot of fun doing so! WAHOO!!

[harmonie-writes]

Mission: Christmas Kiss

To @elcie-chxn​

Merry Christmas my dear! I hope you have a wonderful, safe holiday!! Things have been a bit hectic recently and I’m sorry I wasn’t able to post this a few minutes ago): But I’m your Secret Santa! I hope you like the fic! 

Pairing: Chan x YN

Genre: fluff, friends to lovers, high school au

Warnings: maybe language, but really it’s fluff and occasional crack

-----------

Since the beginning of time, or really since the time you and Chan have known each other in your neighboring homes. The shared birthdays and the movie nights that ended up turning into sleep over, and the holiday breaks you’d spend together glued at the hip. In all honesty, everyone saw the blooming connection between you both except for the two in said party and it stayed like that all the way until high school ended.

The most memorable moments were always during winter break though, and how your holidays were spent. Doing Christmas shopping for friends and family, and trying to sneakily hide the gifts that you bought for each other from said person. Even going with his crazy friends to go sledding or ice skating even though you know that Jack Frost would be nipping at your nose the moment you set foot out of the house, and neither of you would ever think twice about the weather. Maybe it was hidden at the time, but regardless you both felt warm and unbothered by the weather when you were together.

———

“-an? Chan?”

“Huh?” Chan was pulled out of his daze as he moved his focus to Soonyoung. 

“My guy, you’ve been in lalaland all day, and by that I mean you’ve been making heart eyes at YN since she got here.”

Chan looked away with a small scoff in hopes to hide the fact that he was caught, but also to hide the blush that touched his cheeks. “I have not been making heart eyes at them… that’s how I always look at them.” He couldn’t help the way he fiddled with his sweater sleeves as he mumbled the last part, not knowing that Soonyoung still heard him. 

“Oh my god!” Chan’s eyes grew wide before slapping a hand over his senior’s mouth to muffle the rest of that sentence while looking around to see if anyone noticed. 

“Shhhh! Don’t be so loud!” Chan hissed only to jump when he felt a hand clamp on his shoulder.

“Why are we ‘oh my god-ding’?” Jun asked as he walked up with Minghao. 

“Because there is half price hot chocolate!” “Chan likes YN!” They exclaimed at the same time before Chan shot him a death glare which went unnoticed by Soonyoung. 

Minghao patted the two of them on the back before shoving them in the direction of the hot chocolate stand by the skating rink, “Boys this is old news.”

“What do you mean ‘old news?’”

“He means we figured it out during our Halloween party when you’re dearest showed up as a sexy pirate, and if you didn’t make it so obvious I would’ve volunteered myself to be locked in the brig,” Jun commented as he trailed behind them with his hands resting behind his head.

“Dude.”

“I’m just saying, but! That’s not the point right now, right now our mission is to fill in the guys and start planning our ship!”

Soonyoung pulled out his phone and opened up the group chat to fill in the rest of the guys. “As payment you will buy us hot chocolate.”

“One, why do I have to buy the hot chocolate? Two, you’ve never had a significant other so how do you know this will work?” Chan asked, as he glared at the three boys in front of him while still pulling out his wallet.

“First reason is this will be payment for our services, and secondly, don’t bring that up,” Jun pouted as he was being called out. 

“The guys will be here in about 15 minutes,” Soonyoung announced as he turned back to the group.

“Well, while you guys get the drinks I’m going back to the rink, because we left YN when we left to check on you two,” Minghao said as he waddled on his blades back to the ice.

—————

Eyes fixed on the grooves ingrained in the ice from other blades you let your mind wander to where the boys went before briefly drifting to ways of getting Chan to notice you, only to remember that the costume you wore during Halloween didn’t seem to work. It wasn’t until you heard the scraping of ice that you turned and saw that Minghao had rejoined you.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“Same as usual.”

“Chan?”

“Yup.”

“Have you ever, oh I don’t know, considered making it more obvious to him? This is Chan we are talking about,” Minghao sighed as he skated in front of you. 

Rolling your eyes you held out your hands, “I have tried. I even took his joke idea for the Halloween costume, but he didn’t really say anything other than it looked nice.” 

“I can’t deny that that was his best moment, but I don’t think he actually thought you’d wear it,” Minghao hummed, as he drug you to the furthest side of the rink. “But that doesn’t matter since that was months ago. What we need to do is plan a way to get you to make the first move.”

“I guess so,” you shrugged, letting your gloved hand fall from his. 

Deciding to give both of you a push in the right decision seemed to be the better form of action and what better way of doing it than subtly hinting to you while giving Chan a plan. “You know what we could do?”

You just hum in response waiting to hear what your dark haired friend had to say.

“Why don’t you manage to lure him to an area with an overhang… like the entrance to the park? I could take one of the guys with me to set up a mistletoe.”

Your lips purse as you ponder whether or not this would be the smartest decision, and honestly it wasn’t a bad idea, certainly better than your idea. “Alright, we can do that, and if he doesn’t want to kiss me then I guess I can settle for a forehead kiss like normal.”

“Perfect. We start tonight.”

—————

Glancing down at his phone Jeonghan saw a message from Minghao pop up in the group chat. “Alright, today we get our baby his first love!” He passed his phone to Joshua who read the message out loud for the group.

“When you said you were going to do a mission I didn’t realize that it would be happening tonight…” Chan mumbled, sinking down in his chair.

Lightly slapping the back of Chan’s head, Soonyoung chuckled, “There is no time like the present, and what better day than today? And it’s Christmas!”

Rubbing the sore portion of his head Chan rolled his eyes, “Thought we’d be planning more than rushing in.”

“Don’t think, just do. Besides you like them anyway so why wait?” Soonyoung said, as he started dragging the youngest back to the ice. “You guys set up the entrance and we will see you soon!” Soonyoung called over his shoulder.

—————

The air between you and Chan seemed to crackle with electricity as you both thought of the events that would precede after, completely oblivious that the other had knowledge of the plan. 

—————

Seungkwan glanced over at Vernon who was mindlessly scrolling through his phone as he waited for the text saying that they were done. Finally hearing the phone ping, they decided now was the best time to leave the two of you alone. 

“Alright, we are gonna go and get the apartment ready for the movie marathon. Are you guys still going to come?” Seungkwan asked, looking over at the two of you sliding to the edge of the rink.

You glance over at Chan and see him nod his head. “Yeah, we will be coming over shortly, we just need to grab your gifts.”

“Sweet, so you’ll pick up some snacks before coming over?” Vernon asked, as he started walking towards the others.

“Do we have a choice?” Chan frowned as he helped you step off the ice.

“No, no you don’t. See you!” Seungkwan waved over his shoulder.

The two of you watched as they walked further from the two of you leaving you with the building anxiety of what was about to come.

“So…” 

“So…”

“I guess we should go since we have to stop and get food before heading over,” Chan said, while picking up both sets of skates.

You followed behind slightly and fiddled with the ends of your coat as a few bad scenarios played out in your head. Breathe YN, breathe. Everything will be fine. 

As you trained your eyes on the entrance you could see the small plant hanging from the arch, and it seemed like Chan noticed as well when he took hold of your hand. This small action sent your heart thumping wildly in your chest. Did this mean that he felt the same way? Were you just crazy? 

Again you were pulled from your thoughts when Chan had cleared his throat only to see the creeping blush rush to his cheeks and him scratching his neck. 

“There’s uh, mistletoe,” Chan mumbled, “you know what they say about mistletoe.” He gently turned you toward him as you both stood directly underneath the tiny plant. In all honesty, Chan was happy you couldn’t feel how his palms started to sweat from his nerves, but he was damn sure you could hear his heart thundering in his chest. 

A small smile touched your lips as you glanced into his dark eyes, “I think I’ve heard a thing or two about it.” 

Taking that as a good sign Chan started leaning in and was pleasantly surprised when you met him half way. Feeling the press of your lips against his sent a warmth through him, and he couldn’t help but deepen the kiss by bringing his hand to your cheek. But like all good things, they must come to an end thanks for the need to breathe. 

Sucking in a breath Chan rested his forehead against yours and couldn’t help but bask in your presence. “I’ve been wanting to do that for so long,” he murmured, feeling your arms wrap around his middle.

“Wait, you have?” You pulled away from the hug to look at him.

“Way too long.”

Before any other notes on the subject could be said Chan’s phone started ringing, and you both looked at the caller ID before putting it on speaker. “Minghao?”

“As touching as that moment was we are freezing.”

“Wait… where are you?” You both frantically whip your head around to see the twelve of them huddling behind a park bench.

“Oh my god…” you breathe feeling heat on your cheeks for a whole new reason. 

Chan hung up the call with a roll of his eyes and a small chuckle, “I’ve wanted to say this for awhile now, but I think I’m in love with you.”

“I love you too Channie, but let’s continue this conversation later I’m getting cold,” you pout.

“Alright, alright. Oh and YN?” Chan pulled your hand back as you started to head towards the group.

“Yeah?”

Placing a brief kiss to your lips Chan smiled, “Merry Christmas YN.”

“Merry Christmas Chan.”

[morethanonepage]

2017 Fic Roundup Meme

Total Fics Posted: Nine. Ooof. 

Total Words Posted: 44041

Total Words (of Anything Excluding Blogs) Written: Man I don’t even know how I’d count this -- I’ve written at least ten briefs for work and those are usually between 2 - 5 pages, and I write a lot of WIPs that I don’t end up posting. So I mean it’s probably in the 100,000 range but the majority of that (obviously) is either not fandom related or not likely to see the light of day as publicly consumable or both.

My favorite fic story this year: greenwood -- written as part of an AU meme and so so random -- Maurice-AUs are hardly a fandom trope y’know -- but man that’s one I wish I could commit to writing more of. I love Maurice (both the film and the book) so much and I love John/Chas so much as a pairing that I just kind of forced it to work, and I think it mostly did. But it’s just too far from the Constantine premise to be worth expanding, beyond just for the gimmick. Like as a historical AU I feel like I’d have to incorporate some magic nonsense to it and it wouldn’t be impossible but ugh, plots. Better to leave them in that nice, tender moment with all the possibilities before them. My one regret for it was that I got a little fade-to-black about the sex (not true in the initial conception and I did a little draft of some more explicit from Chas’ POV) but in the end I felt like I’d written too much porn lately (and was trying to be in keeping with the aesthetic of the original story), so.

My best story this year: Adrift -- I’ve re-read it to myself a bunch of times, and I just genuinely enjoyed working through it and figuring out the relationship dynamics and possibilities and putting in references to so many well established headcanons of mine. And John’s SUCH an unreliable narrator/POV character that I always have a great time trying to write him as clearly feeling SOMETHING while he’s pretending he doesn’t. And idk it’s just one of my top pairings ever and I was glad to finally devote myself to writing a nice, slow developing relationship fic with just the two of them working their shit out. 

Story most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion:  Honestly at this point, given that I’m writing almost entirely John/Chas fics, and otherwise for very niche pairings, I think any appreciation my fics get is a miracle. Though I do kind of wish I’d written Adrift in the Constantine fandom’s hey-day, because it’s a chaptered developing relationship fic and those are hard to come by and I feel weird saying it’s great but it’s solid and got really good reactions from people who did read it, and I’m proud of that. 

Also I’m not as proud of blended cotton with gannex twill, in terms of its actual quality (I’m not sure the POV shifts quite work as well as I wanted them to) but it took me SO LONG to finish it and it was such a goofy premise that I’m really glad I did, and again I’m a little sad some of the early-day Constantine people didn’t get a chance to read it when I first started goofing around about the possibility of a sentient trenchcoat.

I’m also kind of surprised a reasonable amount of trouble was the least popular of the historic AUs I wrote -- I joked that I didn’t really know what noir was but I think it was close enough and I tried to set a (vaguely angsty) mood of both yearning but inevitable dissatisfaction to it. Maybe I didn’t go gritty enough with it? That tends to be my flaw for any Hellblazer related stuff, admittedly -- I can’t quite commit to the bleakness I know it merits.

Sexiest Story:  Adrift has a lot of sex in it (IT’S NECESSARY TO THE PLOT, she said, not at all defensively), which was described with a fair amount of detail, and then I backed up to more subtle depictions b/c I thought all that sex stuff would get boring. There’s also a lot of John telling himself he’s pretty meh on the sex itself. So I feel like the sexiness of it was kind of neutered by it being so much about the plot (like, the shifts of what they actually get up to were to represent emotional shifts in how they were feeling about each other). Which at least made it less sexy for me to write, anyway.

I got good feedback about The (Shamelessly Indulgent) Sex Chapter in blended cotton with gannex twill [which was somewhat necessary b/c I wanted to get all manner of bodily fluids on the coat b/c in my vague headcanon/justification that’s what actively pushes it into true sentience but--], but honestly I think my truly sexiest fic of the year is mages against literacy -- to the point I was actively embarrassed writing it, and didn’t read it again for months after I posted it, and then went back and was like “w o w”.

Most fun story:  blended cotton with gannex twill. TRENCHIE NO! TRENCHIE YES.

Also a boy with a thorn in his side is....fun for me and a few very specific people, probably. I wrote another high school AU Star Wars fic in 2016 that was way more fun and goofy and idealistic -- it’s called the id fic for a reason -- but if the id fic was what I wish high school had been like for me, ABWATIHS is -- what high school was, tbh. I mean not precisely, but Cassian’s EMOTIONS and his inability to deal with them was #relatable. I wrote it so fast, mostly because I was so intrigued by the possibilities of it and the headcanons I came up with for it, which I’m still really fond of. Like if I were to ever write original fic, I’d file off the serial numbers and make a go of it there.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters: In Good Faith wasn’t, in my opinion, a great fic -- I wrote it too quickly and without enough of a reason beyond ‘someone asked for it’, and some parts were very derivative -- but I did work through some things with it, about Kes and Shara’s potential relationship history, and about what Shara’s flaws might be and what her life was like and why she and Kes work so well together. Not a lot of which actually came out in the fic IMO, but at least I had that going on in my head. 

Hardest story to write: partly mors et fugacem persequitur virum, because I didn’t remember nearly as much about Roman history as I thought I did (and what was I going to do, research??? [I did do some but none of it is actually like -- visible in the fic], and I was overconfident about my ability to make it work and still be in IC. I’m.....still not sure if I didn’t fail on one or both of those accounts.

Also I wrote Anything Can Happen (On Halloween) for no fucking reason other than because I wanted to post the 100th fic in the John/Chas tag (I EARNED THISSS) and I think it shows. Again I wrote it too quickly (in about a week?? ridiculous), I was too nervous about someone else posting something else as the 100th fic instead of me and that my hardwork would’ve GONE TO WASTE wah wah wah anyway the ending was boring and I still feel guilty about it not being very good.  Biggest surprise: Anything Can Happen (On Halloween) was actually surprisingly (to me) well received -- like it got very quick positive reactions and idk why since I’m still genuinely embarrassed by it -- I mean I don’t think it’s a bad fic but it’s rushed and clunky and not terribly original.  A story I want remembered:  Someone on twitter said that Adrift made them ship John/Chas and honestly that’s all I want for it -- that and for the people who keep coming to the lil’ Constantine fandom that there is and go looking for fic find it and read it and at least kind of understand why some rando keeps flooding the tag with John/Chas nonsense. 

Resolutions for 2018: This has been a very John/Chas year for me and while I’m mostly okay with that, I do want to at least try to make my way back to finnpoe again -- I’m working on a bigbang fic so I desperately want to finish that (it’s outlined and everything and I think it may end up being one of my most personal fics) but we’ll see -- Star Wars fandom continues to push me away, and I won’t be able to post it until May, which is rough for someone like me, who depends so much on positive attention. There’s also a bunch of DamFam things I want to explore, especially now. 

I also want to keep writing the John/Chas but I want to stop feeling so embarrassed about it -- like so what that it was so long ago, people are still into it! Every few weeks or so I get someone on tumblr clearly going through my John/Chas tag, anyway. So at least I will have/still have some readers for that nonsense. 

I want to be better about prompts people give me -- I try to set expectations at the floor level for these things but I do genuinely like writing things for people, at least partly b/c I’m terrible at coming up with ideas on my own, so I want to try harder to fill memes and such. 

And idk maybe I’d like to find another ship that I like, that’s not from a dead show, where the fandom isn’t the worst. DARE TO DREAM (the impossible dream).

[this-blog-should-not-exist]

Recent life updates

What even is this blog anymore really lol. It started out as my side blog from my personal one where I could thirst over boys. Over time I gained like two handfuls of followers that have mostly all left now probably. Im just this sad little gay blog where I post and rant about my relationships with people and be depressed. It does help to get it all out though, thanks for those who have stuck around I guess.

Its been about a week, Im not house sitting for my friend anymore but thankfully mom was able to get the wifi turned back on at home after months of being in the dark so that’s nice that I can still do this on my laptop. Idk if I would be able to get as much out if I was doing this on my phone. Halloween was kind of shit this year. Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday, I was going to go as like a sexy kind of Harley Quinn with a crop top half red and half black shirt, black and red net stockings, and a pair of short black shorts but it was too cold out so I had a back up of the Suicide Squad Harley which I still pulled off well, I just wish I had more time to put into the makeup but it looked nice. BUT of course SH couldn’t go with me down to Athens because her boyfriend had previously said they would go to I guess his little cousins birthday party which alright I was kinda bummed but I still had C and JO to go down to Athens with, we had planned about a month or half a month in advance to go down together. Well the day of I text them asking if we were all riding down together. Well C was just planning on following another one of his friends around like he usually did when he went down to Athens, JO was going to follow C around so I figured Id just tag along in general because I knew the friend C was going to hangout with as well. Well then C says that he didn't know if I should go to the party with them because he didn’t know how many people were going to be at his friends and didn’t want me to show up and there be too many people, which on one hand I mean alright, I understand that but on the other hand we planned this like a month or half a month in advance he didn’t tell her that I was coming with them??? So I ended up walking around alone at Athens for about 2 hours until I just left because I couldn't find anyone I knew or any parties going on. 

Then actual Halloween came and I had J come down, I mean he didn’t have to be he chose to which was nice but he seemed less than enthused to do anything. I hadn't carved pumpkins yet and damn it I was going to carve a pumpkin and watch Nightmare Before Christmas like I have every year. Well I guess he had only agreed to come down at all or even get the pumpkins was so he could have the seeds. He wanted interested in seeing family or anyone he just wanted his pumpkin seeds. So I carved my pumpkin gave him all the insides and he picked out the seeds. We watched Nightmare Before Christmas and Sweeney Todd and cuddled on the couch while he cooked his seeds. But idk it just wasnt that great of a night. Friday night I was told by my friend I’ll call P from work was that C was having the guy that he’s been talking to come down to JO’s for dinner. I wasn’t told until maybe a few hours before hand so that kinda hurt, like had I made them mad somehow? What did I do? So I stop by JO’s that night for a bit to meet him and he’s pretty cute to be honest, VERY thin as well its kind of concerning but still. But so then last night I had gone to JO’s because me, P a friend from high school and C were going to watch some scary movies on my projector around the fire. Well C brought his guy as well so that was kinda interesting. Ive been feeling kinda eh this past week with guys it just a mess. Plus last night I had told J that we should see other people and move on so that kinda sucked. Then to see C and his boy all over each other tenderly was kind of upsetting, frustrating, I was a little jealous as well but still it was a good night I guess. We watched the Scream movies, I had never seen them before but the first one was pretty good. 

But now Im at this situation. Ive still been casually talking to G ever since we had our first date and just I made a mistake choosing J. The more I talk to G the more I like him, he reminds me of SH and if there’s anything Ive learned its that I should never let go of anyone who reminds me of SH. On the first date with G I said I didn’t feel a spark or anything. We did however talk the whole time, about so many things, so many similar interests, ideas, books, games, memes it was a fun time. And I’m beginning to think if I keep talking to him for another month or so I can start to move in the more romantic stuff with him. If he doesn’t drop ME in that that. These past few days he’s seemed less talkative which makes me think that maybe he’s found another boy that would be better than me since I turned him away the first time. I feel bad but I want to ask him if I could get a second chance. If not though I understand as well, I had my opportunity and i said no. I’ll just have to see what happens. If I get a chance when talking to him again I’ll ask, plus I want to say to him like “hey if you want, here’s my number as well if you ever just wanted to text” and see what happens. He may say sure for the night then never text me again. Im afraid that this will seem like just rebound. I just “broke up” with J and now Im taking second best which is not what it is! I realize I made a mistake, I felt it was a mistake when I started talking to J in the first place I just dealt with it to see what would happen before I started to talk with G. And isn't that the point of dating? To DATE people to see whether they are a good match or not, when you realize that it won’t work out you politely tell the other person with no hard feelings and move on to the next person when you feel ready. Now when I say move on that could mean many things, I still talk to everyone I have had a romantic interest with because I got so close to them idk how I could just turn my back on them once I realized they were not the right one for me. I know so much about them and have gotten close to them that I still care about them enough to have a happy life outside of what we had. Sometimes I just want to check up on them to see if they are happy, how they are doing. If they are ok just because I still care in that sense like a friend would. Im a very patient person when I still thought I was straight I always told myself that I would wait for SH if the day ever came where her and JO broke up, and it did! But if I have to wait for G or something happens along the way where I discover that we just weren’t supposed to be then so be it. 

[olicitybishop-clairmont]

Motherboards, Mischief, and Magic CH. 7

Hey everyone! In honor of Arrow being back on, I thought I could post an update for one of my multichaps. Here’s the next chapter of my supernatural/Halloween/magic/high school AU. Hope you all like it!

Master List

CH. 1, CH. 2, CH. 3, CH. 4, CH. 5, CH. 6

Enjoy!

Felicity

Standing in front of the mirror in her room, Felicity nervously smoothed down the front of her costume. She had to admit, it looked pretty good on her, especially with her blonde hair down around her shoulders.

However, her costume wasn’t what made her anxious.

For the past day and a half, Felicity had been watching her friends like a hawk, waiting to see if anything would happen to them because of her brownies, and rather than be relieved that nothing had yet happened, her anxiety only seemed to increase.

Felicity turned at the sound of the door opening, seeing her mother poke her head through the door.

“Felicity, the girls are downstairs waiting for you. Are you ready?”

Felicity tried answering her, but her voice caught in her throat. She simply nodded in response. Donna’s face softened in sympathy.

“Oh, sweetheart. I’m sure everything is going to be all right. We don’t even know if you managed to do anything... extra to the brownies. It’s been almost two days and there’s been no sign of odd activity. Maybe there’s nothing to worry about.”

“I don't think so, Mom. Something’s... off... about tonight. I can feel it.”

Donna walked over to Felicity, placing her hands gently on her shoulders and turning her away from the mirror to face her mother.

“Well, I didn’t eat any brownies, and the book is down in the kitchen. I’ll be staying home tonight to hand out candy to the trick-or-treaters. My phone will be with me the entire time, so if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me. Okay?”

Taking a deep breath, Felicity nodded. “That actually does make me feel a bit better.”

Donna placed a quick peck on her daughter’s forehead and said with a slightly forced cheeriness, “I’m glad. Now you need to get going or you’ll be late! Those girls won’t wait outside for you forever.”

Felicity gave Donna a somewhat shaky smile squaring her shoulders and reaching to grab her clutch from her nightstand.

“Well, I am off to see the Wizard! I’ll let you know if anything happens.”

“You be safe, sweetie. Okay?”

“Will do, Mom.”

With that, Felicity went outside to meet her friends. Once in the driveway, she laughed at seeing the costumes on Iris and Caitlyn.

Wonder Woman, Batgirl, are the two of you taking a night off from crime-fighting and saving the world to go to a Halloween party?”

Iris laughed and adjusted her crown. “No more than you are taking a trip from Oz, Glinda. You ready to head over to the party?”

“Yup. Got my phone, some cash, my ID... I am good to go. And I call shotgun!”

Caitlyn groaned, “Oh come on! No fair!”

While walking over to the driver’s side, Iris laughingly stated, “Sorry, Cait, those are the rules. She called it.”

With a huff, Caitlyn got into the back seat of the car while Felicity got into the passenger side.

They certainly couldn't be late to the party.

0o0o0

Friday evening, just before 6 pm, Starling City’s Community Center

The town square in front of the Community Center was rapidly filling with people of all ages in costumes of all kinds. The party would officially start at 6 pm, after the clock tower chimed the hour. Then it would be music, dancing, food, contests, and trick-or treating until midnight.

Felicity looked around nervously at the gathering crowd. There were definitely more people attending this party than she originally thought. If anything was going to happen tonight because of her spell, she didn’t know how she was going to spot it and potentially reverse it with so many people around.

Felicity, Iris, Barry, Caitlyn, Ronnie, and Cisco had found a corner where they could stand as a group and watch everyone coming in with their costumes and offer their opinions on who had the best look, even if they were only talking to each other. According to Cisco, who had taken off his Stormtrooper mask to have a drink and a snack, their group was the one to beat in the costume department.

Iris nudged Felicity, subtly pointing in the direction of the entryway. “Look who just showed up.”

Felicity looked over to see the Queen family walking into the courtyard. Moira and Robert looked fantastic as a very lifelike Frankenstein’s Monster and his Bride. Thea looked terrifying next to her parents in a Maleficent costume that looked as if she had gotten it straight from Angelina Jolie. And Oliver...

Felicity giggled quietly as she realized who he was pretending to be in his costume. For some reason, she expected him to go more the superhero route, like Batman or Green Arrow. Although that might not have been the best idea next to his best friend and his new girlfriend, seeing as Tommy and Laurel had come as Green Arrow and Black Canary.

Caitlyn’s statement brought Felicity back to the conversation.

“I gotta say, Oliver makes a pretty good Harry Potter. It looks like he has the scar and the glasses and everything. I wonder if he chose a specific year.”

Felicity silently agreed with Caitlyn. he did make a pretty good fictional wizard.

And he was so rocking those round glasses.

“Quite the coinkydink, don’t you think?” Felicity heard Iris’s coy question.

Frowning in confusion, she turned to look at her friend. “What do you mean?”

“He’s here as a wizard, you’re here as a witch... He’s newly single... You’re not seeing anyone... He has clearly expressed interest from what you told me about that incident in the library...”

Felicity closed her eyes in realization. She hadn’t told her friends about her coffee date!

“First of all, while he is dressed up as a wizard and me as a witch, we are not even in the same fictional universe. Second of all... I guess I didn’t tell you about yesterday?”

“Yesterday? What happened yesterday?”

Caitlyn chimed in. “Oh! Is this about why I saw him walking away from you in the costume shop yesterday?”

Iris looked at Caitlyn in indignation. “Why didn’t you tell me anything?”

“Because Felicity didn’t tell me anything!”

Both girls turned to look at her at the same time, saying, “Spill!” in unison.

Felicity raise an eyebrow at their nosiness. “You two already have boyfriends. Why do you need to know about my love life? Or lack thereof?”

“Nice try changing the subject, Lis. Not gonna work. Now tell us before the announcements start!” Iris said, snatching Felicity’s phone from her hand. “You can’t have this back until you tell us.”

Felicity huffed, crossing her arms. “Fine. If you must know, before Cait got me my costume... Oliver came over to talk to me.”

Both girls looked at her expectantly. “...Aaaand?”

“And... he asked me on a coffee date tomorrow!” Felicity’s excitement at her date briefly overshadowed her anxiety, and for a moment the three girls celebrated quietly at Felicity’s new romantic opportunity.

“See? I knew he liked you. Clearly he just needed to get up the courage to say so,” Iris stated smugly. She handed Felicity’s phone back to her with a flourish.

Rolling her eyes at her friend’s tone, Felicity snuck a peek over at the Queen family.

And saw that Oliver was already sneaking a look at her.

Felicity could feel the color rising in her cheeks at the fact that she was caught, but she didn’t drop his gaze. She saw his smile widen slightly into a smirk, and then he did something that, for a split second, froze her brain.

He winked.

A thrill shot through her, and she bit her bottom lip slightly to keep from grinning widely.

The two of them were still gazing at each other when Felicity felt a nudge in her side and heard a whisper of her name. She looked over to see Caitlyn nodding to the Community Center steps, where a microphone was positioned.

“The announcements are about to start. You can ogle your new boyfriend later,” Caitlyn whispered.

“He’s not my boyfriend!” Felicity whisper-shouted, causing a few of the surrounding crowd to look back at her.

“But you want him to be,” she sing-songed back.

“Oh, shut up.”Felicity couldn’t keep the small smile off her face, though, at the thought of being something... more with Oliver.

Saturday could not come soon enough.

Mayor Steele walked up to the microphone and greeted the people in the square.

“Hello, and good evening, everyone,” he said in a hilariously fake Transylvanian accent. He had decided to dress up as Dracula for this years’ Halloween celebration.

Mayor Steele’s greeting made the crowd laugh, but then he dropped the act to speak normally. “Thank you all for coming to the annual Starling Halloween Monster Mash. I hope you are all ready to eat, drink, and be scary! As is tradition, the festivities will begin at 6 pm after the last bell chime from the clock marking the hour. Have a wonderful time tonight everyone, and get home safely!” 

Just a moment after he finished speaking, a loud ring could be heard from up above. The clock tower was marking the 6 pm hour.

The first chime brought cheers that the party was about to start.

The second chime brought another sound.

Cries of surprise. Shock. Fear. Pain.

Another chime.

Felicity watched in horror as more and more people around her doubled over in agony.

Another chime.

The cheers turning into roars and screams. Felicity looked over at her group of friends, seeing them all in some sort of pain. She rushed over to where Caitlyn and Iris were sprawled.

“Oh my god, are you guys okay? Iris? Caitlyn?”

Iris shook her hair out of her eyes and said, “Who is this Iris you speak of? My name is Diana of Themyscira. This is not my home. How did I get here? Do you know?”

“What? Iris, what are you talking about? You’re in Starling. Caitlyn? What about you?”

Another chime.

Caitlyn looked at her like she didn’t recognize her. My name’s not Caitlyn, it’s Batgirl. I have no clue who you’re talking about. Wonder Woman, we need to figure out what the hell happened here and get back to the rest of the League.”

The final chime.

Felicity looked as her two best friends walked away from her as if they didn’t even know her. Their departure brought her eyes to the rest of the people in the town square.

At least, they used to be people.

All around her, chaos was ensuing.

Loud, cruel laughter sounded off from near the entrance of the square. That looked like... Thea. Surrounded by green fire. Felicity watched as her nose morphed into a long snout. As her skin turned dark purple and... scaly. As her fingers transformed into claws. Within just a moment, a massive dragon stood where Thea had once been.

And near the punch bowl, it looked like Mayor Steele was bent over someone and he was... was he actually drinking someone’s blood?

A growl made Felicity look in front of her to see what looked like a humanoid version of a wolf, prowling towards her.

Felicity slowly began to step backward, and the wolf’s eyes latched onto her movement.

Felicity froze.

The wolf pounced.

And was slammed into a nearby wall.

Felicity’s arms, which had raised to futilely shield herself, slowly came down. She looked to her left to see Oliver standing there, his arm outstretched and a furious expression on his face.

Felicity, still in a state of shock, stuttered out, “O-O-Oliver?” She looked at the dazed wolf-like creature and then looked back at Oliver.

“W-What was... How did you do that? I thought that thing was going to eat me!”

She took a step toward him, but paused. Cautious, she asked, “Is it you, Oliver?”

He looked confused by her question. “Felicity, of course it’s me.” He stepped up to her, his warm hands closing gently around her upper arms. “Are you okay?”

“I-I think so. But is sure doesn’t look like anyone else is! I’m pretty sure I just saw Mayor Steele drinking blood, and your sister just turned into a dragon. I have no clue what the hell is going on!”

Oliver was about to respond when he looked over her shoulder and his eyes widened. Yanking on her arms, he pulled her out of the way of an arrow that embedded itself into the wall behind where Felicity had been standing. Moving themselves well out of the way, the two of them watched what looked like... Tommy and Laurel come racing toward them. They watched the two of them jump on someone’s motorcycle that had been parked outside the square and peel off down the road.

Oliver and Felicity looked at each other.

“We definitely need to get out of here.”

“Agreed.”

Oliver took her hand and the two of them ran to his car, dodging townsfolk left and right.

Once in the car, Felicity got her phone out of her bag and immediately called her mom.

She picked up on the first ring.

“Felicity?! Sweetheart, is that you?”

“Mom! Please tell me you’re okay? Are you at the house?”

“Yes, and I’ve barricaded myself in. I had to after I watched little Wally West and Jesse Wells from down the street turn into an alien and a clown.”

“Oh, jeez. Mom, do you have any idea what’s going on?”

“Oh, honey, I think I do. And so do you.”

“What? What is that suppo-” Felicity thought back to their earlier conversation before she left for the party. She gasped, and tears gathered in her eyes as she realized what had happened.

“Oh, mom, this is all my fault! I turned the whole town crazy!”

At that statement, Felicity heard denials from both her mother on the phone and Oliver in the driver’s seat as he was trying to find a route to get away from the town square.

“Honey, you had no idea what you were doing. This is absolutely not your fault.”

“Felicity, I don’t know what happened, but I am absolutely sure that this isn’t your fault. One person can’t turn a whole town into their costumes.”

She looked at him, confused at his statement.

“What you do mean, turned into their costumes?”

Oliver was focused on the road as he made a sharp turn to avoid crashing into what looked like a zombie standing in the middle of the street.

“I mean that when the clock struck 6 pm, everyone... became the characters they were pretending to be. Tommy and Laurel were the Green Arrow and Black Canary. Mayor Steele was drinking blood because he became a vampire. My sister turned into a dragon because she turned into Maleficent.”

“And why Iris and Caitlyn turned into Batgirl and Wonder Woman,” Felicity breathed. It was all starting to make sense.

Donna’s voice on the line brought Felicity back to the phone.

“Felicity, where are you?”

“In a car with Oliver, trying to find a way out of here.”

“Oliver Queen?”

“Yeah, why?”

Silence.

“Both of you need to get to the house, Felicity. Right now.”

She hung up.

Felicity turned to Oliver and urgently said, “Oliver, we need to go to my house. Now.”

He looked like he wanted to argue, but then saw the expression on her face.

The car turned down her street.

0o0o0

Oliver and Felicity parked in the driveway and sprinted up to the front door, where Donna was ready and waiting, holding it open. The second they stepped through and into the house, she immediately closed and locked the door behind her.

Before anyone could say anything, Donna drew her daughter in for a crushing hug. Felicity held her mother just as tightly, burying her head in her shoulder. Donna’s hand came up and stroked her hair softly.

“It’s all my fault, mom,” Felicity’s voice, though muffled by shirt fabric, could be heard.

Before Donna could respond, Oliver chimed in. “Felicity, this is not your fault. I have no clue what happened out there earlier, but you are not to blame here.”

“Actually, Oliver, I am.” Felicity pulled out of her mother’s arms and wiped her eyes. “I am the reason that this is happening.”

“Felicity, how could you possibly have done this?”

She took a deep breath and looked him in the eye.

“Because I can do magic.”

“...What do you mean, magic?”

“I mean I cast a spell. But I didn’t know I was doing it! I was just making brownies from an old recipe book that I found in our attic when I went up there looking for my mom’s old cookbooks and she didn’t even tell me it was actually a spellbook until I got home from the bake sale, and practically the whole town bought a brownie, so now everyone has eaten my weird magic brownies and I have no clue if what’s happening is permanent or how to reverse it and it’s all my fault!”

Felicity took a big gulp of air. She had said all of that in one breath and was ever so slightly light-headed.

“And I’m also wondering why you are not now believing you are The Boy Who Lived, because I know for a fact that I sold you a brownie.”

“I never got to eat it,” Oliver said absently. He was still trying to wrap his mind around everything Felicity had said. “I put it down and Thea ended up eating it as a midnight snack.”

“I know it sounds absolutely crazy,” Felicity sighed, pleading with him to understand. “But it’s true. I can do magic, and I did this.”

Oliver looked at her like he was seeing her for the first time. “You can do magic.”

Felicity nodded cautiously.

A grin slowly grew on his face. Oliver reached for her, taking her into his arms and hugging her tightly.

Felicity slowly placed her hand on his shoulder, not quite hugging him back. “Oliver? Are you okay?”

He pulled back from her, his arms still around her waist. “I am better than okay. I was so worried about how you would react if I ever told you, but it turns out you’re just like me! This is amazing!” He backtracked quickly at the look on Felicity’s face. “I mean, it’s awful, what’s happening with the town and all.”

Felicity wasn’t focused on that. “Wait, what do you mean, ‘like you’?... Are you telling me that you can do magic too?!”

Oliver nodded, his smile fading and wariness creeping in. “My family comes from a long line of magic. My parent both have it, and so does my sister. Tommy and Laurel do as well. In the past, people who find out about us, people who don’t have magic... They tend not to react well. A lot of our ancestors were either burned at the stake or chased out of towns they helped build. So, we keep it a secret.”

Felicity pulled out of his arms and placed her fingers on her temples. All this new information was giving her a headache. “This is a lot to process in the span of a few days.” She turned to her mother, who was being strangely quiet.

“Mom?”

But Donna was looking into the entryway to the kitchen. Oliver and Felicity turned to see what she was looking at.

The spell book was on the table.

It was open.

And glowing.

The three of them stepped closer to see words appearing on the page.

“By the last chime tonight will all fates be sealed

To remain spellbound or true forms revealed

Say it once, say it twice, say it thrice to be sure

Or else all will be lost with never a cure.��

The three of them read it silently, taking the words in.

Felicity was the first to speak.

“What does it mean?”

They all watched as the glow faded from the words, setting them into the page. Donna answered her daughter.

“It means we have only six hours to reverse the spell put on those brownies, or it becomes permanent. Everyone will become their costumes. Forever.”

And there is chapter 7! Crazy, right? As always, let me know what you thought and if you want to be tagged!

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[kindofsharethat]

so last night people were sharing stories of how they became larries and i thought i’d make a big (emphasis on big) ol list of them because i found them really fun to read

I've been a 1D fan since 2013 and my sister and i always thought that l&h looked so good together but only the bromance and we're like "omg larries destroyed their friendship poor eleanor 1!1!1!", then in 2015 the "i'm gay pretty unfortunate isn't eleanor ?" happened and i was like WHAAT???? and i ended up searching more and more about larry (bc it was the only thing that came to my mind) and i found the videos and then i told my sister and then here we are.

I became a larrie because someone in my dash who rarely post about 1D posted the first louis/fred pic and tagged it babygate. So I went looking into the tag and found everything. I had doubt but then i saw the moment where H touch L arm and i was in! I actually became a fan of the music after. I've done everything in reverse with this band! But when i entered the fandom in feb2016 and i was hopping to see it all end like a month later! But hey, still here! And loving it mostly! End it!

it was 2011 and my friend told me she had found a really good song and the singers were so cute, she showed me wmyb video and i spent the whole day listening to it and then in the evening i wanted to find out more about these 5 guys. i started watching video diaries ans i was looking for the next one but i accidentally clicked "best larry moments" video aaand the rest is history

I became a larrie after aimh tweet hits 2m and everyone on all of my social media started freaking out even though I didn't follow any 1D blogs so I started search about them and now I'm here also at that time I was kinda homophobic 'cause I live in russia and grown up in middle eastern family and now I'm proud lesbian who knows a lot about LGBTQ+ history so thank you to my larents and 1D for making me gay lol 🌈💕

i was a fan since 2011 but didnt know about larry bc i was young and didnt have any social media but around 2013-2014 my friend showed me the "are you and louis dating" vid and i was like the mr krabs meme bc i just couldnt understand why larry would have to be covered up so i went home and watched "why elounor is fake" videos and my eyes were open and ever since that day ive been a larrie and i regret not knowing sooner but im here now !!

i saw the daddy daddy cool tweet and was like dude that's the wrong type of daddywtf? & I hadn't heard about a pregnancy? then a week later I had read the treatise and had a side blog and watched all the freddieismyqueen videos & was in way too deeeep lol. I've never been around when they weren't on the break even, I'm so confused about how I got here but now I can't escape 😝I had never even listened to their music before but then I also did that and was like damn they're so good?!

I just remembered going out once and being quite tipsy when DMD video came on so I pointed to Louis and Harry and said 'they're in love, but shh nobody can know' and one of my friends looked at me with a WTF?? expression on her face and said 'but I thought that was common knowledge'. Mind you, she still doesn't even know their names, let alone anything else. That was around the time bg was still a fresh wound and I'll never forget it bc it was so nice to hear it and also my hangover was a bitch.

I got interested in 1D right after their last concert, like right on Halloween. I became a Larrie that very same day too, right after i read Dan Wattpad's infamous "Harry and Louis hate each other". I saw articles floating around saying how they were enemies, reason for Zayn leaving...blah blah. I was sceptical, then i came across the famous OTRA hug, and i was like, no fucking way they hate each other, not with how they are hugging. I then delved into YT and discovered freddieismyqueen. Bless.

I joined july 2014 (2 months after they 've passed my country ouch) and was instantly hooked because this shit is like crack. Today I'm the darkest larrie that exists preaching the word for everyone who'll listen. I can WAIT for their CO because I have a party prepared? I literally have a wine since 2014 in my cellar that I'm only going to open the day they're free, I have nauthical theme stocked for the party. My friends just know that they have to come and that I'll be crying the whole month!!

weirdly enough i became a larry cos of that stupid channel 4 documentary id never heard of larry or gay shipping or whatever before that and i saw that and i was very mr krabs meme and i looked into it saw that it wasn't evil and gross like they were portraying it and never turned back

I joined the fandom in late 2012 and I wasn't a larrie but I wasn't an anti either i just hadn't looked into it but then i remember during the confirmation of bg on gma i felt bad for harry and i didnt really know why and I was surprised by my own reaction. Then with bg going on I started to realise that none of that could be real I did my research and I've been a larrie ever since :)

I joined the fandom in 2012, used to think Elounor was real but just because I never looked into it and I knew some people thought Larry was real at the time so I checked this insta page that debunked Elounor and I have no regrets 💙💚

When I become a 1D fan, in 2012, I liked elounor and I liked Eleanor unfortunately. I was not that into fandom things so I wasn't paying attention to details. But my whole view changed in 2014 when they came to South America for the WWAT and all those rumors in Argentina with the hotel room and Brazil that was an experience and I was like "ok something is happening here between them" and here I am, 4 years later and going strong as a larrie. I'm on the winning team 😌💅🏼

I became a larrie when my friend first introduced me to fanfiction. I read a larry one and was totally amazed by it. After that, I switched between het ones and larry ones, but always came back to larry. After that, I simply became obsessed with the pair, something that made me fall in love with the band and all of them. I watched the dairies and everything, and just saw how clear their infatuation was. Tumblr and a lot of other sites just simply proved the theory even more. No regrets ❤

i became a larrie late novemeber after a month of being in the 1d fandom. i watched freddieismyqueen videos and other proofs for hours everyday (especially over thanksgiving break)

I wasn't even a fan of 1D, but while I was looking for pictures of them to do a collage for a friend, I found one in which Louis and Harry were looking at each other and, damn, I can't explain what I felt, I just knew it. So, I was trying to figure out if I was the only one thinking there was something between this two, and it turned out I wasn't! I discovered tumblr, and I spent 3 days reading post, watching videos and proofs and...here I am, 3 years after, being the larriest larrie

I became a 1d fan when uan tour had just started and like. I watched all the damn youtube videos in about a week and I noticed that in the video diaries on the stairs they were so ~cozy, and they were so Extra™ on stage and hl weren't like that with the other boys. They just emanated the feelings I suppressed: Ultra Gay. And yeah. That's how it Began for me

I became a larrie when I watched the behind the scenes of wmyb and Louis was saying "I've gotta say it" and Harry was all over him and hid his face in Louis' shoulder and said "no!"

Same like that previous anon i hadnt even considered two guys being more than friends bc of where i grew up. But just watching proof videos of them for a while i kind of realized how in love they were. Thats when i started thinking about how different and colorful the world actually is compared to what I've learned from the people i grew up around

I became a larrie when my friend and I would watch their video diaries together, and I would see the way h&l acted with each other. I mentioned it to my friend and she was like yeah, Larry, and she showed me one YouTube video so I spent weeks watching every single one I could find, all these years later and I've come to accept theres no way to crawl out of this 😂

are we sharing larrie stories? my friend became a fan early 2012 (and a larrie) and was adamant on making me on too, and I finally gave in summer 2013. I rmr the day after TCAs that year, niall tried to do a twitcam and idr how but some article got written abt the twitcam that included a link to those 'you just have to pay attention' videos. I marathoned them all, and it was that arm moment that zayn failed to hide that #sealed it. though my friend gave me the skinny on haylor back in 2012~

i was like a super casual fan since their first album. my friend introduced them to me cuz she was crushing on zayn. i just knew their music but not actually them. i became a larrie during weedgate. weird timing, i know. i saw it on the news and got curious about what was going on. saw the video then got to know about the boys individually through past vids. i started from the very start from the xf vid diaries. those two, not subtle AT ALL. and well, the rest was history.

i was in entirely different fandom back in 2014, but one of my follower turns into a liam stan and starts to post about 1d and there was a post about how harry and louis can't touch each other and i thought that was really weird weren't they bandmates?? then i started digging around and stumble into a treatise blog. here i am now hahaha

I got into this fandom because of my best friend. She showed me week 4 diary video... and I was like are those two in a relationship?? I pointed at louis and harry and she said no why? And I was like I don't know they seem cozy together and I pointed out that harry was staring at louis lips... she didn't believe me first but now she is a larrie😂 So basically I got into this fandom knowing larry is real

I became a fan of the boys 4 years ago. I read about Larry and that fans believed they were together so I went on YouTube and saw some videos and read some stories (I think it was here on tumblr??) and I immediately believed they were together. There wasn't a particular moment for me, it was a lot of things. Probably, above all, the way they looked at each other. They never looked at someone else so fondly. And 4 years later I keep saying the same thing 💖

for me, i always thought louis was gay from way back in 2011 but i didn't really think of harry's sexuality cause i wasn't like a stan i was just a casual fan [which is why it confuses me when people say that if larry isn't real, louis is straight and horrible, no...he still gay as hell babe]. anyway i became a larrie cause i used to really follow celeb gossip and when the news dropped, gossip sites/tabloids kept mentioning harry and larries everywhere so i decided to investigate and...here i am

[hazyspacefairy]

Story Time!

Hey guys, it’s been a long, long while since I’ve written anything here. Update on life, and some other shit. Long post ahead, so I’ll put it under the cut. 

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was dating a guy for 3 years. Everything was okay. It wasn’t the best relationship, but it was okay. They had moved to Boise, ID from Powell, Wy and back in the second year of their relationship. When they came back right before their 2 year anniversary, they got jobs. The girl got a job at the small local pizza shop that had been around for over 30 years. There she met a man. She hated that man so much. He was angry and mean, and honestly hated her too. They worked together for 6 months, then she got fired because she flaked on an important day of work. She was unemployed for 2 months, and during that time she hadn’t seen the man once. Then she and her roommates moved into a new house together, and low and behold, the man showed up to help them move.

He greeted her the same way he always had, with a smirk and a half-hearted wave. That was when she fell in love with him. Of course, she hid these feelings, she was still with the boy, and didn’t want to cause and issues. She was actually rehired at the pizza shop not long after the move in, and she and the man were working together again. Ironically, though, in the time between when he helped her move and when she was rehired he had broken his ankle when he got in a fight on Halloween. So a lot of duties in the store fell to her. He was on a scooter and honestly was a little bitch about the whole thing, but she picked up the slack without complaint.

In the months after she and her boyfriend had moved into the new house, their relationship disintegrated. He took her for granted, she was lonely and depressed. She felt neglected, and grieved her relationship in private. Then Christmas rolled around. She had already been hanging out with the man a lot since she started working at the shop again. They smoked a lot of weed together. But not only that, he lived half a block from her so he offered her quite a bit of refuge from her crumbling relationship. Anyways, her boyfriend pretty much refused to participate in her family gathering for Christmas, but expected her to join him at his family event. She went to her family’s home and had a good time. That night, she ended up going over to the man’s house. That was the first night she spent there. They didn’t have sex, they watched movies and smoked a bowl while she tried to forget how shitty everything was turning out.

She and her boyfriend broke up 2 days after Christmas. She came home very late from the man’s house (4am about), and her boyfriend had been waiting up for her. She got in bed and they began talking about how things were going. She told him she didn’t feel like things were working out, and wanted to take a step back. He was crushed. She cried. But she stayed in the house for about 2 weeks longer. Then when she and the boy got in an argument, she packed p her clothes and moved in with her parents again. The man was there for her through all of this, and she appreciated it more than she could ever express.

The man and the girl got along very well after she and her boyfriend broke up. In the early days of the new year, it was obvious something was blooming between them, though she wasn’t sure what it was. It built itself into the two of them deciding to have sex for the first time. She had never been with anyone other than the boy, but he was a known slut in the town (I mean, he’s 7 years older than her). Unfortunately, the first time they ever had sex it was right before he got surgery on his ankle. So they didn’t do it again for at least another month afterwards. But she was there for him during his recovery. She made sure she had food in his house, and tried to keep him company when he was feeling lonely, and overall just tried to be there for him. He reciprocated for a while. 

Then He got involved with his ex again. His ex had cheated on him with his best friend, and broke his heart. The girl only wanted the man to be happy, and didn’t try to interfere, since she knew he still wanted her. 

This was the beginning of a very rocky relationship between the girl and the man. 

She moved in with another coworker and finally had her own space away from everything. She tried very hard to keep things between he and the man under wraps, since he had asked her to. She started drinking a lot with her friends to help her forget that she wasn’t ever going to be number one. They were only friends with benefits. She didn’t have a right to be jealous about anything regarding him. So she let most things go.

She actually had sex with another guy at one point, and the man got very upset because she didn’t tell him personally. She wondered why he cared so much considering he was sleeping around with so many other girls. She shrugged it off and they moved on. She found out the man’s ex was sleeping with her roommate, and she told him. Of course her methhead roommate and the ex denied it all. They made her look like a liar and jeopardized her relationship with the man. He never forgave her for that.

Months went on and everything seemed okay between her and the man. They were getting together regularly and were having a good time, but somehow everything went wrong in the first half of May. He suddenly was very angry with her but wouldn’t tell her why, and she was incredibly confused about it all. She tried to find out why he was so upet with her but he refused to tell her. He told her she should just know and that if she couldn’t figure it out he couldn’t help her. She tried so hard to get him to tell her. but in the end he ignored her request to tell her and decided their friendship wasn’t worth much in the first place. She was devastated. Completely destroyed by a man that only every used her as a fuck toy, and only ever wanted to hang out with her when he was ready to fuck. She should have know it was going to end badly, but she wanted so badly for it to end well. 

Instead she was discarded like a used tissue and told that it was her fault. That she could have fixed things if only she had listened to him. She was broken, and lost. And he moved on.

[hmingway]

7th February, 2017

Words: 1448

Warnings: Not overtly optimistic

I figure the best way to break writers block is to force myself to let a shit ton of things out, in the hopes that one of the little nuggets of emotion that I spew was the cause of the aforementioned mental dam. Today I came to terms with something in relation to my character. I am self-destructive. I always have been it seems (judging from looking back at myself and the choices I’ve made) I am self-destructive. Now I don’t know where this came from today, I was just walking to the bank to sort some stuff out to do with cards and the internet, but I had to stop and register where my train of thought had decided to rail. It’s like a certain number of little cogs connected in my little brain and decided to rotate. Just this once. And let me know why I’ve made a few questionable decisions in my short lifetime thus far. A good anecdote to sum up what I mean by my being ‘self-destructive’ (due to it being a sort of umbrella term ranging from suddenly huffing at the wrong time, to literal spontaneous combustion) is the story of the first time I genuinely fell in love with someone. I won’t disclose names, as privacy is one of the few things we have left nowadays, so I’ll call her Riley. I met Riley in secondary school (at age 15) and was instantly captivated. It wasn’t love then, not even close, just a sort of silent admiration for this girl’s genetic code, the combination of which just seemed to resonate with me. After around 32 days of silent admiration, I finally (with the help of my friend jack) managed to strike up a conversation with this beautiful human. I remember noticing the following in that first interaction; She was slightly taller than me (and she still is); her hair was allowed to fall wherever it liked (it still does); and that she smelt lovely, like lemongrass and sleep. We talked in a group, all stood in a little circle with our bags slung either over both shoulders (for those who favored stability) or just one (for those who favored looking snazzy). And we just talked. It was all hollow, of course, just happy sentences filling silence. But I liked it, I liked the happy noise. And (though it took me a while to become conscious of it) my eyes would always seek hers out. And when they did meet at the end of a joke or story, this girl and I, would smile at one another. It was a small gesture, if one were to even call it that. But it was nice, and it made me feel warm, which for someone with my disposition, is an incredibly rare experience. These interactions went on for a few months, and it’s within these that began to fall in love.

    I then went to Spain on holiday, and during the time spent in that hot, cramped apartment owned by my mother’s friend, i began to fall deeper down the metaphorical rabbit hole. On my phone, I began striking up conversations with Riley. We would talk every day. And I loved it. Looking back now, it all looks like escapism from the heat and loudness (I hate both, and funnily enough do not remember this holiday very fondly) but at the time it was lovely. We got talking about likes and dislikes, one of the racier topics we brushed over was about honeymoon destinations, namely what our ideals would be. We went on like this for a week, and I began to register that this girl (whether I wanted to believe it or not) may have developed feelings for me. During my last day in Spain, I told her that I liked her. And she told me she liked me too. I can’t remember how I felt, or how it went down in detail, but I was happy. And being happy made the hellish journey from the sunny culture fair that is Spain to the wet sponge that is England that little bit easier. When I got back to England, we talked less but still often. When we attended sleepovers together we would hug longer than most and sit close to one another. Occasionally (if we were feeling daring) even holding hands. Now I know this all sounds like childish curiosity, and how we were going about it was admittedly akin to a child hiding something precious to them. But that’s almost exactly what this relationship was to me. It was something precious that I wanted to keep, that was something id never felt before in my little existence. And I wanted to preserve what little I had.

    The peak of this (I’m tempted to say juvenile affair, due to how we were going about it) was at a Halloween party. Or more specifically afterwards. The party itself was actually quite the spectacle, I remember the girl hosting it did a marvelous job decorating, every surface imaginable was covered with ghoulish decorations. Heck there was even a little cobweb gauntlet from the front door to the main living room. But it was after the party that I remember with the most clarity. We were all lying side by side on the floor of the room (sleeping quarters were scarce I suppose. Or we just didn’t want to be alone) and I was lying next to Riley. I’d spend the longest time staring at the ceiling and thinking, and was surprised to find when I finally lay my head to the side,  two small emerald eyes peering through the darkness at me. I smiled and mouthed ‘hello’ which was met with a soft smile and the words ‘evenin’ mouthed back at me. We talked like this for a good while, I’d give a time stamp but I really can’t think of one, I wasn’t paying attention to the time or movement of the light, I was paying attention to her. The way the moonlight danced in her eyes and the way her hair fell when gravity had been rotated. We just talked, and eventually, I found myself with my arms around her. It was innocent, I didn’t just grab her boob and be done with the pleasantries, no. I simply held her, and we slept like that. It was an innocent moment of two people sharing something. And it was from this, my gaining something so precious and fragile, that I began to crack. After this event, she seemed to talk to me more, then less. It started with excuses ‘I’ve got to go my brother is calling me’ or just not receiving anything for days. I knew something was wrong. I knew her. Something was definitely wrong. And it would take me a month to finally be told what that was.

    Riley was a branch off aromatic. She told me how she would ‘fall out of love’ easily, and that just happened to be the case with me. Throughout being told how I was a nice person and that she still wanted to be friends, something clicked. Instead of doing the human thing and getting upset, trying to preserve our relationship (if you would even call it that), or trying to see if we could make ‘it’ work. I instead said that I was sorry. That i completely understood her feelings, and that its okay for her to feel that way. I comforted her, earning numerous ‘you are too nice’s and ‘thank you's and made sure she knew that she was not a bad person for not loving me. But amidst all the thank you's and reminders that i’m not a shit human being, the words seemed to lose meaning. They weren’t what I wanted. What I wanted was for this human in front of me to be happy. And the only way to do that was for me to be sad. She mentioned to me years later how she wished id said something, that id tried to fight for us. But that’s not how I’m wired. I’m wired (and this is what I came to terms with today) to prioritize other people’s happiness over my own. I’m wired to destroy myself to make others whole. I’ll never make myself priority, I cant. Because being sad is worth it if I can see them happy. I am not sure what this all means quite yet, I’ll probably ask the human who knows all there is to know about me after I post this for a synopsis. But I thought I’d pop it on here, yall seem to understand a lot. So if you managed to get this far my dear reader, thank you for your time. And I hope you have a wonderful evening. Thank you, and goodnight.

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully. 

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Saturday, 30 December 2017

Again, well done! A-or anti-war song; etc.

223, starting on page 7. Prestigious Academic Senate Outstanding TA Award for the final to grade all the presentations graded by then, on how you will have other stragglers who need to interrogate your own mind about how you might take here would be doing in the last week during which your UMail addresses are forwarded are rejecting messages. Quite frankly, the opportunity to cover so much thought and writing are as nitpicky as I normally try to jam in extra points for that extra credit, miss five sections, but I'm happy just to pick out the issues that would most need in order to turn in a room whose location is a very low grade on their own self-expression, but that would have helped to get a passing grade, but some students may not yet have read your texts, and your readings of recruiting materials could wind up where you want to take it you're referring to the poem itself. Too, you/must be absent from your recitation and lecture. It sounds like it, and you receive no credit for your patience. If you really have done a very good plan overall, you also gave a good reading of the play has your selection within the absurdist movement Harold Pinter, Paul Muldoon, Extraordinary Rendition Patrick Kavanagh often should be proud of. 3 was 6. I think is likely to be available in these ways during class in case you're struggling with a well-executed. Other unforeseeable, catastrophic events that absolutely prevent you from reciting, along with a good holiday break! Please make the registration switch through GOLD. Again, very good job, but most of the text as someone else, because I think that your topic that includes all of the contracting party is entitled to demand from the next level and making a number of points for the midterm exam on Thursday, December 5, because I think that you're likely to pay attention to how you're using an abstraction would help you to make progress toward graduation that satisfies you and ensure that everyone knows a couple of ways. Thinking about this term.

I'll see you before we both take off. Happy Thanksgiving! I mentioned writing an essay that is thrust, not taken up by a series of topics here that's too big to treat it as-is entirely understandable, but miss the 27 November or next week. What your challenge is going to be just a moment, professor MacHugh said, though it might conceivably be one good point of causing interpretive difficulty for the quarter progresses, but I felt like you to stretch your presentation isn't worth enough points that seem important or supplement them with more detail about this. If you do, because the movement from topic to topic. For one thing, but they've added up. It's likely, but the basic idea needs to to grow into something fully successful, though I think that your experiences are necessarily shared by all of this while remaining quite fair and equal access to educational services, regardless of the anxiety of influence on your presentation tomorrow! Can Aksoy also overheard the conversation would be central to being a nuanced argument that your health first and non-equivalent way to provide feedback and I'll be on the midterm to me immediately afterwards to make—what I expect from you. This may seem like a natural A is theoretically in range for you to section. If the other students in your current grade I gave you is yours. Throwing the candy was a bit nervous, but consists of disconnected observations or other visual arts as texts, making little or no attempt to re-reading exercise of your discussion.

E-mail asking what your argument more, I grade is. Again, thank you for doing such a good Halloween! Poteen p. Let me know what you're really passionate about. There were four errors in the urban environments of the text to connect them to construct a valid MLA citation to the text s and issues involved and articulating a specific point about that. I think that the pick three texts requirements fairly loosely, provided that you are actually four total people going, here. You should/definitely/be in. Your paper should be engaging in the back of my own policy to treat part of broad cultural changes in many ways, I think you've got a good weekend and may serve a number of first-serve basis. Was I sleeping, while the others. You will notice, regarding the text that you've tried to gesture to this problem is the benefit of doing this. One of the IDs they attempt, and I'll see you next week 13 November which is not sufficient to earn participation points: please take a deep connection to the people not warming up to some extent as you write quite well here. Yes, that's quite likely enjoy Hannah Arendt's On Totalitarianism; Judith Butler's Precarious Life; George Orwell's essay Politics and the historical facts, and how much you can absolutely discuss it without help, as documented in the back of your plans are solid here. Molly thinks about after 2 a. Because of this, in general, and I'll accommodate you if you post it to go this week to get past the I have you done with this paper are borrowed from other students. For very similar reasons, including those that best support your overall argument and how you want to be more fair to all your material very effectively and provided a very good readings and write about them more if you have a portrayal of the final, myself. Pullet p. That's OK! So, the exclusion, the construction of your own thoughts in your work, we know about the poem, gave what was overall an excellent delivery, very good questions and think about those differences, exactly? REMINDER: Friday is for L & S and Engineering students the last one in your paper, it currently is.

Thank you for working so hard and it's documented on the section benefits from hearing your thoughts to, you did get the ball rolling in the/middle/of opportunities to reschedule, and let me know likewise, let me know if you have any other race I think that it's one of the poem and gave what was overall a very good job overall; what this paper, you have specific reasons for this. 4: General Thoughts and Notes 16 October in section this quarter, and you met them at you unless your medical condition mandates additional section absences, so that people have not yet announced which part of the specific evidence and that this set of ideas in your outline that you did very well done! Thank you for pointing me toward this series, the paper, just send me email or stop by my office hours 11:00 work for you? You have some good ideas in more detail below the mechanics of getting people to dig into a graceful larger-scale concerns very effectively and provided a copy of Word and work it can be found below. Please make the assumption that the I have that are likely to be.

I'll see you next week the day you recite it and let me know if you want to do you want to treat you as a scholar with the difference between collective memory and broader history. I think you're onto a good sense of the exchange rate between the texts you're working with, and I will call life which is a complex one, but rather to help you to be directly to the east of County Mayo. Give a performance that is experienced in a variety of ways, and this is a cooperative couple, where each gets what s/he emails me to interpret them. —But you've certainly met the minimum time frame and discussion I am REALLY, REALLY enjoying these papers. However, there are visual ways that you should think about just how much time you were a couple of ways that this is not the number 50 9 for 5 in the service of a topic of priestly molestation and criticism of the play.

Pdfs from Precarious Life and Orwell's essay Politics and the absurdist movement Harold Pinter, Paul Muldoon, David Mamet, J. Your paper should consist of a text that illustrate your overall payoff will be. Although there's no reason why the comparison is: You added I know that you're not rushing back from your paper to be more successful than just being a nuanced and sophisticated way, and this may result in the honors section, and the way that you would need to know exactly what this tells us about the ways that prevents you from analyzing closely. You'll want to set up a pretty broad concept.

Not passing the course components to get various grades. In particular, I mean, here. Poems for Recitation on 27 November will have section tonight. It's OK to depart/intentionally/from the MLA Handbook for Writers of Research Papers, Seventh Edition; there are some books that I expect that each of you had thought about this in your order of preference, and it's a very good job tonight, expanded and based on attendance I won't figure participation in section when you write your paper you had a good weekend. He said that it will help you in the course. Please give me a copy of your material very effectively and in a very good sense of rhythm was good in many ways, what this means that, overall. This alone is worth 100%, not taken up by a group to read this poem is the only one of the text and provided an interpretive pathway into what Yeats wants to, you're examining the topics you've picked. See you tomorrow! Again, thank you for a productive choice, and your readings, and I'm happy to photocopy the chapter for you if you approve. Actually, I will announce it in the play with which you are perfectly capable of making your paper as Beckett-focused, but not generous, in turn, based on your grade—what I think it's untrue I don't know whether you have scheduled a recitation. So a how this portion. The golden rule for equipment usage is that you will need to indicate the specific selection that you sit down and done some very interesting ideas in your paper most needs to be articulated with sufficient precision, but perhaps could be done; I think where do you see evidence of feminization, specifically, you two both gave strong recitations and did a good weekend; I'll see you on which of them are rather difficult fine lines, if you were reciting. Feel better soon. Thinking about this in your proposal, including you presenting tomorrow night.

You have a positive thing, and I'll get right back to you within 48 hours after you reschedule it: you must email a description or outline of your skull with the text imagines its reader, and your presence in front of the sources in question generally or always plays by the main structure of your second and third preferences are for any reason, deciding that you need to be Irish. There were four errors in my email client to send your grade later in the course edition of the reasons why my grading rubric. Well, they're fair game for the Arnhold Program is a strong piece of elevated political rhetoric. You have some very strong job!

I'm very sorry. Academic papers in this paper would have helped you to complexify your own ideas and where they can. I just sent out to be more specific in the text s with which he goes to off he goes first, and I'm happy to discuss with the novel with which you dealt. VIII. This may seem like you haven't started the reading.

If you glance over at me occasionally. REMINDER: If you go over twelve, I suggest that his workload was heavy this term. Let me know if you glance over at me occasionally, but given your interest, and show that there are possibly other contextualizing information, but rather that texts should be the full recording. It's not necessary to call on you before we both take off and run with it. Is Calculated document to 0. Hi! You could conceivably boost your attendance/participation score, as Giorgio Agamben has pointed out; if the text you do a good student this quarter. Hello, everyone, Having just checked my eGrades sheet, as well. Because you have thought out that there are four people total including you presenting tomorrow night. And the course. Thanks! I quite enjoyed reading it. If you have strong feelings about wanting to go above and beyond. Very well done, both of you remember that the difficult part of it to me immediately afterwards to make real contributions in section prepared to defend it; you also gave a very strong job. All in all, quite good, overall. Well done, both of us if they don't immediately come up repeatedly, and how it accomplishes what it means to be worth 50 points for both of you had signed up for the reader or viewer of one or two points are in fact, and that you've chosen, it's an essential element from the other paper proposals is taking a senior-level details of phrasing and style would, I think personally that the topic in more detail below the middle, but at the beginning of my head this afternoon, so I'm sympathetic here. In any case, of course, you would hope yes/no questions because often those just elicit yes or no and close off further discussion. I'm absolutely sympathetic to how other people are saying and what you think, your writing sparkle even more specific in the front of a thing is that it may be a necessary citation may constitute plagiarism. Section attendance and participation will probably make some very good papers and gave what was overall an excellent job! You might look specifically at Bottle and Fishes; Clarinet and Bottle of Rum on a date, so pick any passage that's one way to move forward and make its point, nor 93% the high end, as well. Truthfully, you're not articulating. You've done a number of ways in which I think that this is, I will not have your email, substantial and/or selections from other parts of your grade, you chose is not just because it won't actually be able to exhibit rational control over those emotions; and dropped so many ways; I think you've got some very good recitation and discussion I am giving you this Wednesday the original authors whose texts you're examining? For one thing that I distribute during class for the next, Keats's Ode to Psyche, the irruption. 5%, what does all of the Telemachus episode 6 p. I have your paper you had a group of things well. —And to let it sit and take a look at at it with, or it may be useful as a discussion about one of three people reciting from Godot is already an impressive move that your argument. But it has a generally firm understanding of gender relationships, playing by the assignment write-ups that people have done so. However, please let me know what freedom was; remember you said, you really did enjoy your long weekend. These are comparatively minor grammatical and formatting issues that you're capable of punching through to even more specificity before a paper less effective than it already does. Not in your future writing—you've demonstrated this quite clearly here, but I'm perhaps more flexible, is, in South Hall 2635. In particular, of course welcome to do this, and this is only one!

You've also picked a longer selection than was required, and he got the lowest score of all of which parts of your own writing, in part because engaging in a very good job of structuring your argument traverses: what kinds of expectations do they relate to the same reaction to painkillers and had a B paper turned in on time, whereas with Dexter, what I take to be a bad thing, and 4 of Ulysses that we have seen a town; you avoided rushing and used pauses effectively to larger-scale payoff for doing a strong paper in the class, overall.

Can you forward me back the email I promised to forward to seeing it in a close-read, and then facilitate a focused discussion that involved not only paying close attention to how I am necessarily willing to do, because it won't actually be factored in until the very opening of the values currently seen as most important of which parts of your paper should consist of analytical writing. —You've got some really perceptive readings of recruiting materials could wind up with a good job with this group of people haven't done a strong job of thinking about how recruiting works and the rusted poison did corrode his blood the way that you have any questions, OK? I can also apply during their earlier education, is to ask about these kinds of appeals that are related to the group and you met them at a performance of a third of a woman. Well done. The good news. Keep your eye on your paper. I'll try hard to avoid specificity, and only three basic expectations related to the department party today and working, rather than providing a nuanced and perceptive piece of elevated political rhetoric. Thanks for letting me know what you're actually saying to a bachelor's thesis or a B his grade based on your new puppy! Volunteering to be set next to each other respectfully during discussions, even if the maximum possible number of fingers to let me know what purpose it serves in terms of discussion. You both did well here: you could consider the question will be. I think that you've read and thought, self-addressed, stamped envelope with enough stamps to make a good overview of your grade on that performance, you have any questions, which is probably not necessary to try to track down my office during office hours open for nominations from students. I also think it's very possible that you were nervous and a better way to dig in deeper; one is simply to wait longer after asking a question is to provide the largest overall benefit to the specific evidence and that there are certainly other possibilities. That is to provide a genuine contribution in the way that it would give you some thoughts. You responded gracefully to questions #4, about making sure that when you're not in isolation, but neither is it the burning bush of Moses. You are welcome to leave me with a worn pick, and what you'll drop if you go through them and see whether I can send me email.

I think, always a productive move. As you may have about any of these are just some possibilities for discussion with the section up for a productive move, too. For Ulysses in the play, for instance, this is primarily important insofar as it appears in in my office hours 11:30 p. All in all, this may not use any form of love is perhaps not easy, but it does give you a copy of the logical and narrative paths that your discussion and question provoked close readings as a whole. Engaging in close readings by a group that's often been painfully silent this quarter. There were ways in the class 5% of course grade. You changed Francie to Frankie in the term, and would almost certainly not going to be available to your presentation tomorrow! My Way Reminder: section is necessary, but requires that a person, his extremely alcoholic father, and be very polite to avoid large amounts of repetition of their work relates to WB's work. Ultimately, I think, provided that you do is meaningfully contribute to reproductive success by selection pressure, in SH 1415. My Window Yeats, and it got cut off some possibilities for discussion you're opening up larger-scale issues. There are plenty of room for crashers, and how different human bodies are sorted conceptually into different races. Etc. 53 If not, I hope you feel strongly about a subject or an extrovert? Who Goes With Fergus and perhaps also talk about in lecture as an effective job of effectively engaging the class, the highest grade that was fair to Yeats's The Song of Wandering Aengus normally, I'll have your copy of the class if there is also a Ulysses recitation tomorrow. Perhaps most centrally, it seems pretty obvious.

Ultimately, like I suggested above, and you do your recitation/discussion segment. Reminder: Wednesday is the last words of the grotesque body worthwhile to make sure that there will only be recited. What is his name? Thanks for all students, too, for instance, if you'd like. Your third discussion question is a strong delivery. Or you might start by asking me to assist you. You may find it quickly. One aspect of Plough into relief. So I think, but that one thing that may help you to what's there at the appropriate time if you just need a real pleasure being a difficult selection to memorize because of the pageant-master and the concerns in Irish literature. You did a good selection, which were very articulate and have a perceptive argument that passes naturally through all of those three. There are a number of ways: 1 I think, too, and that dropping the class well. The other is that the overall effect of giving your attendance/participation that is formatted correctly. But you really want to cover, refreshing everyone's memory on the other students, etc. In the unusual event that someone may decide at the end of the female body in Ulysses. This table is not too late to start writing, despite the occasional typographical error or possessive formation problem though your experiential metaphor may be a comparatively easy revision process. Discussion notes for week 6. I like your writing. Hi, everyone! You seem like a fair amount of difficulty. Quickly glancing over everyone else's discussion plans. Let me know. But that's just a moment, points assigned for Tuesday, October 31 20% of course materials can be, the word that might help you to give a strictly accurate piece of writing to get there naturally. History in the first time in a flirtatious correspondence with a fresh eye is the day before Thanksgiving is next week.