#i forgot one detail but im too lazy to fix it...

[crystalcat321]

Experimental 2D-puppet styled 3D blender model! It only works at one angle as it's made up of flat 3D layers! Hoping to see it work in Roblox studio maybe....

[peachyonepiece]

appears looking at you with autism creature eyes. hello @sangerie your vs bros fankids (one of which i had a hand in making bc. glances at the reblogs/notes in @loopyarts post. i have confessed there fskakfafsga) are really really neat .u.

SPEAKING of loopyarts ty for allowing me to take inspo for nijis kids raid suit fit!! i really liked the softer yellow and the thicker lightning bolts on his pants you gave him so tysm for letting me yoink it <3

uh uhh individual pieces and also design/character rants under the cut bc. i wanna.

RAID SUIT RAMBLING TIME bc i spent the most time on those. also you might be asking 'why is only their hair rendered in those pieces?' well the answer is because i am Lazy. moving on . (/HJHJ i AM lazy but also rendering it further would mess up the colors and i didn't wanna do that lmao. carrying on..)

Ichiji's daughter i am so SO proud of her fit. i did not look up a reference or even inspo ideas at all, that all came from the ole noggin baybeee. anyways she is obviously based off a magical girl(s) fit bc she wants and DESERVES to be. also since Reiju doesn't have any kids of her own (based wine aunt) i also decided to let Little Red have some of her motifs instead of just purely Ichiji's!! primarily the 66 on her pants but also all the pink on her instead of just red :) and obviously she has her dads number and while she DOES have a (white? bc like daddy shes a special little princess /aff) cape i didn't include it here bc it looked reallly bad lmao. but she does have one tucked into the bow probably!! there she is, Sparkling Red Neo!!! (get it.. sparkling instead of sparking... bc magical girl.... im funny i think.) onto Little Ocean Boy

OKAY LET ME TALK ABOUT THE MOST MINISCULE YET MOST IMPORTANT DETAIL TO ME AND ME ALONE FIRST. that being the symbol on the brats belt. it was actually inspired/based off of this post which really stuck with me with me after reading it which i later realized was bc the "that something has been completely reversed" REMINDED ME OF THIS POST OF YOURS. i don't think im especially good at theory crafting but. idk i think there could be Something about how after judge came and turned germa into mercenaries their symbol turned from what once symbolized 'purity' into the skull of war mongers and then BACK to purity after 0124 get germa on the right path... poetry or smthn. ANYWAYS yah shoe shiners got a pretty basic fit bc like i said in the og ask, hes a sora warrior of the sea fan, once he saw the raidsuits irl methinks he'd want to stay pretty close to the og design. HOWEVER he refuses to drop the hat (much to Niji's dismay) and i came up with a reason besides 'its one piece and therefore there's GOTTA be a kid with a weird hat that they're attached to': and that is the fact that it hides his eyebrows. Little Red has the curly brows, all of Yonji's cabbage patch does too, and the brats the only one without. even if literally no one else notices or cares, he wants to hide the fact that he doesn't have em because it Separates him. and he doesn't want that. at all. he really, Really wants to be a part of this family (oh no i made it. angsty). ANYWAYS UHH YAYYY HE HAS A TWO ON HIS HAT (that he sewed on himself which is why i made sure you can see the stitch-lines) BC NIJIS HIS DAD WAHOO YIPPEE :D:D:D Dengeki Blue Neo: little shoe shiner edition!!

UHH second image is just a refined piece of that first doodle i sent you. with lineart and a better color pallet and all. actually looking at it again now i realize i forgot little brats freckles and i am now punching the air bc its too late to fix. just act like they're there. please :,,,) edit: nvm its the next morning i fixed that kjahsdah

i don't even have much to say about the last two because i Think i am Rightgksfjgasjkfa but for the third i think the brats a bad influence on Little Red especially. ALSO FOR THE FOURTH NO I DIDNT FORGET ICHIJIS TATTOO. I AM JUST LAZY. (and I also forgot his tattoo :]) ANOTHER edit: i also. fixed this :]

CHRIST i am incapable of contacting you on Tumblr via any way that includes anything less than 250 words i am so sorry sangerie.. i hope you like these tho cause i really do tbh :3 (PS you have to take literally NONE of what I said here [mostly about shoe shiner] as like.. canon about them?? these are YOUR ocs obvi so please, change Little Red's raidsuit design if you find it unappealing!! make shoe shiner have a backstory of your own!!! i hope that isnt weird or rude to say, i just thought it was important too bc i threw sm at you so strongly ^^' okay thats all tysm for reading this it means to world to me byebye <3)

[stray-tori]

Heaven Official’s Blessing | Live comments compilation

eyy, I finally finished it. I won’t talk about plot too much because I don’t trust my brain to remember it correctly and I watched it in very spread out sessions dshsj-

I really liked it though I don’t follow all the heaven politics at all dshsj- too many names, too small brain.

.

Reactions

Randomly decided to continue heaven official's blessing bc i was bored.  The op is so damn soothing and pretty i still can't.

I also forgot so many details probably but I'm too lazy to rewatch the episodes I've already seen so. Here i go.

It's kinda funny how this whole meeting call of gods is like "yeah that guy is dangerous, the butterflies are a bad sign" Meanwhile mc is like huh i thought they were adorable

Okay why did i stop exactly where it gets REALLY gay okay then me

Alright then friend

Also bilibili subs are so small pls save me

I feel like the dynamic is kinda sassy but it's kinda like... It's still kind of calm in it's portrayal which is interesting. 

Idk how to explain it but sth about it just rly calm and sort of peaceful pshhh so i need more braincells to pick up on the low-key sass and witty banter.

Maybe it's also me not being as used to chinese and that's why hmm Chinese is growing on me tho it's so pretty

[the bilibili subs]'re on Funimation too, also?? Funimation didn't even make their own subs good job guys. I could literally watch this on bilibili too wheeze

Okay main guy has been interrupted twice when he was gonna say sth about himself stop

Also intense staring intensifies goddamn

They keep glancing at each other intensely guys stop.

This is wild

I'm enjoying it but I'm just very sjdhdhdh

...

I feel like there's intense staring every like 2 minutes like y'all pretty i get it but pls my gay goggles might overheat here.

[someone else:] I can just imagine them staring at each other in a gay way and then there's Tori squinting at the subtitles

Mc is big brain he's like "there's no way a ghost could fabricate a human body well. Give me your hand, I'll tell you your fortune." *proceeds to inspect hand* "let me brush your hair!" his hair would surely give him away *proceeds to lean in close* "Are you really fixing my hair or trying to do something else?" sahjs

Also ma ghost man rly made a door for their home so that he wouldn't use talismans on the entry. What a guy.

This guy is so offended at them living together oh jeez sjdhdj

Also great line.

A classic

So much food. Only so.much digestion i can do

He do be smug.

Stop it with the gayzes jesus-

I mean don't stop but holy hell

No wonder these two guys wanna out him as a ghost king, they're just sick of you two not getting a room shdhd

I mean don't stop but holy hell

No wonder these two guys wanna out him as a ghost king, they're just sick of you two not getting a room shdhd

...

Wow. He just tripped into him. I'm not used to food every 2 seconds pls my heart

Casually putting the robe back on your companion, then he catches your hat before it yeets away

Everyday things.

I-

DOES HE LOOK LIKE HE MINDS-

I can’t-

[someone else:] What are they even doing for all this gay to happen in such little time 

You see, they really hit it off. 

But i don't know and I kinda don't want this to end bc it's just... So charged sjsjsj

Snake bite treatment bc of course 

Dramatic name calling and self-sacrifice. The food is real with this one Hahahaha immediately following into the cliff

Carrying bridal style while fighting, okay then 

Also HHhH they revealed something in hindsight and now I'm emotional. So: at some point they read the tombstone of a general, and how he died, and the travellers that were with them laughed. And black hair said that it'd bring luck to bow before it 3 times, so they did. Brown hair asked if that was rly on there and he replied "they made fun of it so we can have some fun too". And it just now got revealed that that general was actually brown hair and I'm just :((( he probably knew bc he's so knowledgeable about everything and he protecc. Big emotion.

And if not it’s just even sweeter in hindsight, anyway sdhjds

...

Why do they keep leaning into each other while gayzing. Like ik it probably won’t commit to it fully/obviously but JESUS The description even calls it an affair WHAT I-is anyone actually believing this is not gay- it's impossible right im-

They are just actually flirting Jesus Christ

He literally just said "so you were the bridegroom on Mt. (Sth)" ":)" "I mean. You pretended to be" "I didn't pretend." "So why were you there?" "Two options. 1)" LEANS OVER HIS SHOULDER "for you. Or 2) i have a lot of time to kill"

THEY EVEN HAVE THE "TITLE OTHER PEOPLE CALL ME BIT WHEN YOU DO IT ITS SPECIAL" TROPE HELP

[someone else:] How can we speedrun every romance trope

I also think it’s hilarious that priest girl basically went “ok this is too flirty, let me out of here” in the special dshdsj

Ehehe welp there's a ring

Okay that was neat. Now to wait for s2

.

BONUS:

IT WAS ON NETFLIX THE ENTIRE TIME im dumb oh well.

[usersukuna]

ok ok, so, @saltybatman​ asked me how i manage to bring colors out in a gifset without it becoming too grainy or overpowering. and because i love her so much, i made this tutorial for her but i decided to post it because more people asked for a tutorial before, so here we go

i use photoshop cc 2014

for this tutorial you need to know the basics of making gifs

if you have any questions just send me an ask or IM me, you won’t be bothering me (i may take a little while to respond, though)

there are at least 4 methods in this, so enjoy

from:

to:

ok, so, here are a few of my methods

note: i’m gonna add links of the images so you can enlarge them to see better

i’m gonna start with this gif from IT:

so, first of all, i always use my base psd on my gifs, which was based in this tutorial

after adding the base, i adjust it with more layers. like brightness, contrast, color balance etc. but i NEVER change what’s inside the folder of the base.

the gif will look like this:

not much difference, right? right

now, i’m gonna change the color

at first i was going to turn it into blue, but then i tried using color balance and this is what happened (note: i only used the midtone tab):

so i was like “wow, look at this!!”

so i decided to make it purple.

but can you see the pink/red in the background? i only want the purple color, so i need to get rid of that

for that, i’m gonna use hue/saturation

these are my settings:

(the settings in the reds tab)

(and in the magentas tab)

it doesn’t look so red anymore, so it’s great.

now, i want to make the gif a bit more dark and i wanna change the purple a bit so it’ll look like the other gif i made (this one)

my settings in the blacks tab:

and in the blues tab:

and it’s done! now i just need to sharpen it and post! and for that, i always use this sharpening action

then: 

and now:

_____________________ x ____________________

another example of how i made this:

turn into this:

this is a bit of a pain in the ass, tbh. and this worked because the gif was small (so you can’t see much of the details and can’t find errors, per say) and they (the characters) didn’t move so much in this scene, so it was easier to change the colors

as usual, i’ll use my base and adjust it with more layers.

the result:

now i’m gonna change the color, for that, i’m gonna use hue/saturation again, and i’m gonna change the settings of the yellows, greens and cyans tabs

the result:

i don’t want their faces to be affected by the color changes, so i’ll use a layer mask and use the brush tool to paint over their faces and where i think it’s necessary

it’ll look like this now:

but now i need to get rid of the yellows/greens/cyans.

i’ll add another hue/saturation layer and mess with the yellows/greens/cyans tab:

(yellow)

(green)

(cyan)

ok, now it looks a lot better.

but i still want to change it to a more vibrant pink, i’m gonna use the selective color for that.

(reds tab)

(magentas tab)

but i still thinks this isn’t enough, so i’ll add one more selective color layer

(reds tab)

(magentas tab)

ok, now i’m satisfied, hOWEVER, this still looks dark, so i’m gonna have to use A LOT of brightness for this

my settings:

i’m too perfectionist, so i think i should add another layer of selective color and darken it a bit.

(blacks tab)

I KNOW, there’s practically no difference, but my perfectionist ass thinks that there is, so yeah,

and now a tiny little bit more of brightness/contrast:

and it’s finally done, thank god

note: i could’ve added a layer mask over the second layer of the selective color because you can see that ben’s face, mike’s clothes and bev’s hair are way more vibrant than they should be, but when i made this, i didn’t notice much at first. and when i noticed, i was too lazy to fix

________________x________________

for this next example, i’m gonna use a psd from another person, because mine wasn’t working with the scenes and i was getting angry so instead i used the psd

from this:

to this:

the result after adding the psd:

adjusting a bit more with brightness/contrast under the psd folder:

changing the colors with selective color (cyans and blues)

and finally, more brightness/contrast:

done!

i tried coloring this scene again, but this time with my base, and this is the result:

and the one made with the psd:

__________x__________

the final example:

from:

to:

as always, the same steps

but in this case, the yellows were showing too much and i wanted the blues to stand out.

i used the color balance for it (only the highlights tab):

then to turn down more, i used saturation (reds and yellows):

then i made more adjustments with the blues, added more brightness/contrast etc etc, however, there was still too many yellows for my taste, so i added one more hue/saturation layer:

and done!

___________x___________

and last but not least, a few tips:

if you want to change a scene from blue/cyan to purple/violet/crimson/(even green depending) etc all you need to do is play with the selective colors. but if you want to change the blue/cyan to, say, red, yellow, orange, (”a different”) green etc you can use hue/saturation.

i’m gonna take that gif from rdr2 as example

in case of this scene, i can use only the master tab to change the color because there aren’t many colors in this, so you can turn it into this:

or this:

or this: (and use more selective color to give more “personality” to the orange)

or you can use the selective color to change it to red:

and more hue/saturation to look more red:

but there are scenes which have many other colors together, so for those, you gonna have to use the specific tab of the color you wanna change. because if you use the master tab, it’ll screw with all the other colors

oh, i almost forgot! if you want to turn a white-ish scene into cyan/blue, all you have to do is use color balance to turn it a bit more blue (in this case, i only used the highlights tab), and add a layer of selective color and mess with the whites tab

then:

now:

__________________x___________________

ummmm, i think that’s all?? but if you want to ask anything else, feel free to!

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 8 (12.20.2020)

 Well, it’s been a while since I’ve posted an entry on here. My last one was back in September, and man a lot has happened since. First off, My sleeping schedule has been messed up for the past couple of days, and in a bit I’ll get to why. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it in any of the last posts but, if I didn’t then my goal for the last couple of months has been to get on a (keto) diet and lose some weight, and I’m here to tell you I still haven’t, I haven’t even stuck to a diet for that matter. The only diet I’ve had has consisted of take out and midnight snacks. Anyways, now let’s get down to business. I went ahead and read my latest blog post before this and I laughed at the fact that I said I was starting a diet, yeah that never happened. Im happily at 160 lbs at the moment (not really happy about it but oh well). 

I mean covid-19 is still going on, its kinda spiking then calming down, spiking again, and its just this whole repeating situation. Everyone's still wearing and masks and doing everything to be safe, although I think my towns cases are starting to go down. It is around Christmas time so they’re starting to decorate everything, all the parks and stuff; so hopefully that doesn't spike the numbers up again. When going out though I still have to be careful, I can’t catch covid and give it to my loved ones, and I would rather not make history and get sick. 

I guess I should start here. I wish my life was still the same as it was during my last entry. I really do. I wouldn’t have known what I do now and I would’ve just been at peace, happily living my life and struggling with school. I ended up getting a D in that biology course, and dropping that math and history course. Yeah, it was a pretty shitty school year tbh. I’ve never been that lazy and unmotivated when it comes to school but man, this fall year really took a toll on me because I legit did nothing all year. In result of it, my gpa went to absolute shit and down to a 2.8. I now gotta make that up during the summer and try to get it as high as i possibly can. I just finished my second fall semester so I’ve been on Christmas break for about a week now, but honestly this break feels so lazy and gross. I am reading my last entry to see what I can catch everyone up on, as things have changed drastically. I mean my friendships are still fine, I still keep in contact with seatbelt and ice and maria. I keep in contact with them almost daily honestly. About my relationship, thats where I wish things were the way they were three months ago. Without going over too much detail, a girl reached out to me and let me know her boyfriend and Mr. were trading girls nudes again. Honestly hearing this a second time broke my heart, but I really didnt have much of a reaction to it. It hurts every here and there, but I guess im forcing myself to open my heart and forgive and forget so I can go ahead and move on already. Mr. and I are in a certain situation trying to avoid law enf*rc*m*nt so things have been kind of hard recently. He’s been seeing me many times this week just because of the fear itself that one day might be his last time to see me, but I think things are starting to cool down with our/his situation, so hopefully he’s not walking on eggshells too longer, because seeing him worried makes me worried and vice versa. He’s looking into going to therapy and having a closer relationship between him and god, in order to get rid of his old ways and make himself into the better person he needs to become. I can’t really get into details about the situation on here as it legit would be the most dumbest thing I could possibly do, but in result of getting closure about it, he told me he was planning on purposing in the near future, like before 2021 is over - but then he had to go fuck it up and put that on hold. After talking about it we’re going to have to attend counseling once again, but in hopes of fixing our relationship and getting closer again. I love him a lot, I do, but man he is one dumb ass person. I really hope and pray he gets his stuff together, because I really do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I mean, I guess we’re kind of in an awkward part in our relationship, but its honestly because of the situation we’re in, so we just have to work through this and rebuild the trust he ruined. I know he’s going to be going to individual counseling for sure, but I have a feeling that’s just going to turn into couples counseling the way it happened the first time. I hope I can get myself to go into counseling for myself as well, because man, I really do want to work through these issues I have deep down inside of me, but I can’t find the courage I need at the moment - maybe after all of this is done I will. Mr.’s dad is still really sick, but im still praying to god and the heavens above he gets better. I’ve been talking to my dad a lot and my relationship has been improving, while my moms and I’s is kind of going backwards slowly. About those two discord friends, I dont know why I put “crunch” as one of them. I forgot what his first nickname was, but I know it wasn crunch. I mean his name is cesar, so i guess i got mixed up lol but yeah i’m not friends with c*sar and shr*mp anymore. I mean I got really close with him, and I did consider im an important person in my life, until one day I logged onto Discord to see he kicked me out of the server and blocked me, which eventually resulted in everyone from the server blocking me and deleting me off roblox so, I pretty much had no say in it. There wasn't even a reason TO block me, I legit just logged on randomly and was blocked. Although I found out through someone else who was also in the server before he himself blocked me that apparently I was jealous of shr*mp and I guess calling c*sar manipulative got him upset and thinking so he blocked me lmao. Anyways, because of this I dont really play Roblox that often anymore, but instead I watch anime now. Currently waiting on AOT’s new episode releasing today so, thats something exciting to look forward to. I cant wait for christmas just so i can see the look on my siblings face when they see what I got them lol. I also got Mr. a chain bracelet, so I hope he likes it and actally wears it. There’s not really much else except being on eggshells with Mr. and wasting my life away. I’ll keep you guys updated. I’ll try to post on here more often.

Ended this at 12.20.2020 at 8:27 AM

-jen

[b00bconnoisseur]

21 questions boi

Tagged by @kairianneyukari ! Thanks for taggin me bro ^^

“rules: answer 21 questions and tag 21 people you want to get to know better. (make a separate post)”

Nickname: i have a fair bit actually lol. But most commonly on here everyone calls me potter or tam

Zodiac: libra boii

Height: 5"6

Last Movie I Saw: uhhh i think it was probably like the first 40 mins of new moon?

Last Thing Googled: it was the floss song lyrics

Favorite Musicians: sooo mannyyy aaaaaa. Twenty one pilots, panic at the disco, my chemical romance, fall out boy, all time low, pierce the veil, sleeping with sirens, black veil brides, falling in reverse, bring me the horizon, slipknot, escape the fate, skillet, Hollywood Undead, Bryce fox, andy black, bullet for my Valentine, avenged sevenfold, breaking Benjamin, a day to remember, asking Alexandria, five finger death punch, justin bieber, logic, johnnie guilbert, three days grace, till death do we part, your brand new obsession, of mice & men, and more xD

Song Stuck In My Head: some random musically i cant remember which it was

Other Blogs: TheFandomArtist0214 (my art blog) and Thecarterchilden (yes i forgot the r im too lazy to fix it rn shush. Its a blog for my siblings ran by me)

Do I get Asks: yeah lol. In a week i probably get.....20 maybe?

Followers: uhh atm its 589

Following: psshhhh n-not that many duh only....881.......DONT JUDGE ME OK

Amount Of Sleep: on average i get about 2-5 hrs a night. BUT last night i got 7 and the night before i got 6. Which i think it's mainly cause ive been goin to bed early cause i dont have my phone (no service. Using wifi ftm)

Lucky Number: 14

What Are You Wearing: want me to go into full detail? Ok *cracks knuckles* so, im wearing white tube socks, trash black boots (i say trash cause the left boot only zips up half way) blue boyshorts, a white tanktop, a grey shortsleeved marvel shirt, and a bit oversized tennessee volunteers (football) grey hoodie (but hey ive been flappin my arms around all day so) its one of my favorite shirts, a pair of blue jeans (i had no more black stuff clean today), a pair of black and grey striped cut off gloves, and like 30 bracelets/wristbands and a watch

Dream Job: to be an artist, tattoo artist, and a bit of a traveler

Dream Trip: to the UK and Canada!!! Also to visit all my friendos across the globe wherever they live! I get my license this year so hopefully next year when i turn 17 or when i turn 18 i can start visiting u guys that live closest to me first ^^

Favorite Food: green beans abd pepperoni pizza boi

Play Any Instruments: no i wish! UNLESS you count piano tiles if so dude im a fucking PRO

Favorite Song: atm? Hmm probably mantra by bmth

Random Fact: hmmmm....well, i once drank a sip of vodka when i was 2 lol

Describe yourself as aesthetic things: ooo hmmmm: books, magic, blue, black, grunge, emo...ish, rock, music, nerd, geek, snakes, lizards, harry potter, fandoms, art, paper, paint, love towards friends

And probably alot more but i think thats ok atm lol

Ok some peeps i wanna get to know better

@kingantlion @timetravelingcacti @the-collector-of-souls @bloodreadlipstick @queen-baelin @pizzathecat @deanismymom @mycollectionofnuts @laurel-at-bay @chinesewaffles2 @dirtysocke @masochist-incarnate @biggest-gaudiest-fish @blackpaladin47396 @transbutstillhuman samm @no-obviously @procrastinatorprocrastinating @lightningandthetumbllr @ilovetwentyonepilotsandmusic @that-one-guy110 @all-hail-mono-onion @Anyone else ^^ totally optional btw!!

[bburningbridges]

The Little Things

Summary:  Often, it's the little things that matter the most. (In which Kaldur loves, is loved, and learns how to open up piece by piece.)

This is a collection of scenes that were cut from the final draft of "in this life, the days are full of joy." Don't have the read the source material first but it definitely helps!

Notes: kaldur’ahm is the backbone of young justice!! he deserved better and he deserved a boyfriend!! im too lazy to write sequels but take these half-baked scenes i had to cut from the OG story <3

+

Kaldur leaves Roy’s apartment feeling unmistakably relaxed in a way he hasn’t felt in a long time. By his estimate, he has about 10 minutes to himself before he reaches the zeta-tube and has to melt his goofy expression into something much less humiliating so he can face his team.

He tries to think sobering thoughts, but mostly just revisits what shirtless Roy looked like with his feet up on the coffee table. Somehow, his impossibly dopey grin gets even worse.

Star City is already getting cooler, the warmth of summer long forgotten. Kaldur has never minded the cooler weather; it reminds him of home.

That seems to be the exact kind of grave topic he needed to stop smiling. Thinking of Atlantis reminds him of what Roy had said about Aquaman, how he was acting “bitchy” and worrisome. He feels his shoulders sag. Disappointing Aquaman has never taken priority on his to-do list, and yet, he manages it with reliable frequency and ease.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, the part of himself that strives to be at least partially self-aware begs him to address the topic that he’s been covering up for months. Well, years really, but it’s only been an ever-present addition to his daily train of thought since the summer. Founding the team had been a great distractor, but now that he has a comfortable routine going it’s safe to say that he might be going ever so slightly insane. Just a little bit.

You can’t ignore this forever, the rational, tiny part of his brain persists.

And it’s true. One day, Kaldur is going to have to address that he gets honest-to-goodness butterflies in his stomach when he’s around Roy, and that doesn’t happen when he’s with anyone else. He’s going to have to dig deeper than Garth and Tula had, he’s going to have to identify these feelings and who has them for -- and that scares him so badly he starts walking faster.

He cuts his 10 minutes down to seven, and by the time he’s reached the zeta-point his mind is carefully blank, save for the lingering memory of Dr. Pepper on his lips.

+

Upon returning to the Cave, Kaldur receives no less than three wolf-whistles, three open stares, and feels his heart climb into his throat when Zatanna comments, “Didn’t know you liked UCLA, Kal.”

He holds up his hands, not really sure what he wants to do with them, and winds up making a ‘go away’ gesture at all of them, to their delight.

He’d been so caught up in his head he completely forgot to change. His uniform is folded neatly in the duffel hanging off his shoulder -- he meant to change before getting here, so he could avoid all of...exactly what he’s getting right now.

“I didn’t even know you owned sweatpants,” Artemis says, with an infuriatingly cheeky grin. She’s squeezed between Robin and Wally on one of the loveseats, and she doesn’t actually look that upset about it. “You never struck me as the relaxing type?”

Kaldur looks down. Has been that high strung for so long? It really does feel great to see his team -- these days, he misses them more than he’s comfortable admitting -- but he really does not need this level of ribbing tonight.

“They’re not mine,” his mouth is saying, stupidly.

“I wonder whose they could be!” Zatanna sounds too damn happy about all of this, and Kaldur fixes her with a level glare for a moment. She set up him. This was a trap from the start.

“Roy could’ve at least followed the guy walking out with half his closet,” Wally says. “We never see him anymore! What gives?”

“He’s busy,” Kaldur and Robin say simultaneously, with very different inflections. Kaldur fixes him with a look too.

Robin holds his hands up in mock surrender. “I didn’t mean anything dirty, Kal! Get your head out of the gutter.”

Not that it was before, but now that Robin’s gone there he most certainly cannot, and to his chagrin, feels his face start to warm. This is too much. His relaxing night has taken too many left turns, and at this rate he’s either going to implode or end up waxing poetry about Roy’s biceps.

Covering his face with one hand, Kaldur leans his head back and groans. “Why do I let you do this to me?”

All of his teammates look at him with matching smiles from hell, including M’gann and Conner -- who feign innocence so perfectly but Kaldur knows they’re giggling like a bunch of toddlers via mindlink. Wally and Robin have the worst ones.

They know too much, Kaldur thinks. The not so rational part of his brain suggests fleeing the scene.

“You looove us,” Robin sings, hand over his heart.

“I tolerate too much,” Kaldur grumbles back.

“You tolerate the perfect amount.” Artemis stands at the same time Zatanna does, and the two make their way to the kitchen. “But now that you’re here, we can actually get started with movie night. Me and Zatanna have popcorn duty.”

“And by that she means I have ‘keep Wally out of the kitchen’ duty,” Zatanna snorts.

Kaldur blinks in confusion, and she pauses as she passes by him. “What, you thought we were gonna start the movie without you?”

“I…” Kaldur doesn’t know what he thought.

“Just don’t look so surprised whenever people actually give a shit about you, okay? I’m not sure if it makes me wanna hug you or deck everyone else.”

It seems like Roy has been right about more than a few things tonight.

Zatanna’s expression softens. “We waited for you because we wanted to, Kal. It’s not team bonding without the whole team, you know?” And then she pulls him in a quick but energetic hug and follows Artemis into the kitchen.

Feeling properly ridiculous, Kaldur makes to drop his bag off in his room, but M’gann insists that he leave it where it is and deal with it later. The lightheartedness of the night really does make him feel like they have all the time in the world. A little untidiness never killed anybody; he drops the bag and sits next to her on the long couch.

“We really did want to wait for you,” M’gann says helpfully, letting her hand drop on his knee. “And Artemis and Robin taught us a bunch of games!”

Robin snorts; in the time that Artemis had been away, he and Wally had managed to tangle themselves up in a Batman-themed blanket. “And by that she means we sat around and gossiped for like half an hour under the guise of Truth or Dare.”

“And 20 Questions,” Conner says. “Apparently, all my questions were boring.”

“The point of 20 Qs isn’t to ask someone what their favorite color is nine times in a row, buddy,” Wally says. “It’s to get someone to squirm a little and spill something really embarrassing.”

“I like knowing your favorite colors,” Conner replies with a shrug.

Wally makes a very exaggerated huffing sound and throws up his hands. Snickering, Robin says, “Wally’s just mad ‘cuz he kept wussing out on dares.”

“I didn’t wuss out--”

“It was a bit wimpish,” Conner says, as M’gann offers, “I don’t blame you for it!”

Wally just groans again.

Now that he’s not the object of teasing, Kaldur finds it in him to smile. “It sounds like you had fun.”

“After four uninterrupted hours of homework, yeah,” Robin says, petulance betraying his age. After a moment he grins again, and even though his dark glasses cover his eyes, Kaldur can imagine the gleam of mischief behind them. “After the movie, we’ll get another round of T or D going with you, Kal. That way you don’t get to miss out on any fun.”

Kaldur’s stomach feels like it sinks all the way into his toes. It’s stupid to think that Robin is doing anything sinister or diabolical -- he can be nosy but he’s not mean -- but Kaldur can’t shake the feeling that he’s being backed into a corner. As if someone just threaten to shine a flashlight on him and to see all the dark little details he keeps hidden away.

His heart pounds. Suddenly all the jokes about him and Roy, the knowing winks, the teasing -- doesn’t feel so lighthearted.

Kaldur tenses up and shrinks into the couch, not trusting himself to say anything without giving himself away. He sees Conner frown out of the corner of his eye, but Artemis and Zatanna come back with bowls of popcorn and save him from the rest of that conversation.

Something tells him that Robin is staring at him, but Kaldur ignores it and thanks Zatanna for his bowl of popcorn instead. To his surprise, she follows up with a blanket that she spreads out over his knees, then drops into the couch beside him and curls into his side like a kitten would. After a few moments of adjustments, she’s worked herself under his arm, popcorn bowl on his lap.

Again, he’s not sure when Zatanna adopted him, but he’s not even the slightest bit upset about it.

Robin gets the movie going, and for the next two and half hours they all watch Steig Larsson’s book come to life.

(Conner falls asleep about a half hour in, and M’gann leans against his chest and sighs, her contentment practically radiating off of her, and Kaldur’s heart just...hurts, watching it. That could be him. He wants that. He’s almost certain he will never have it.)

Throughout the movie, he can’t help but feel like his entire body has released a partial sigh--this is something he’d been wanting for so long. Just spending time with the team who had become his closest friends when he wasn’t paying attention. There’s no talk of school or family or life outside the Cave; it’s just them in the dark watching a movie and making the occasional side-comment.

It’s...really, really nice.

Kaldur makes a face during one of the darker scenes. “You enjoyed this?” he asks Zatanna quietly.

“Look at the job we have, Kal. I think we’ve all pretty much seen some messed up stuff.” She pauses. “For example, I watched a magic deity possess my dad and claim his body for the rest of forever. So, like. Call me jaded.”

Her jaw tightens as she says it, and Kaldur winces, apology at the tip of his tongue. Ultimately, he decides it’s not the right time. Looking at Zatanna, he recognizes himself; the desire to put on a brave face and march through pain, no matter the personal cost. Acknowledging it was rarely an option. Her jokes were just deflections to distract from her real vulnerability.

“Okay, Jaded,” Kaldur faux-whispers. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Oh my god,” Zatanna snorts and gets a chorus of shushes from the others.

Kaldur opts to relax around her, and she holds onto him just a hair tighter afterwards.

+

“Not bad,” Robin says after, as they all blink and adjust to the lights coming back on. “I figured out the so-called plot twist about five minutes in, but still. Not bad.”

“Five whole minutes? You’re getting slow, Boy Wonder,” Wally chides.

“I believe I still enjoy the book more, but it was a very well-done adaptation,” Kaldur says, peering down at Zatanna. “Your movie tastes have certainly earned my respect.”

“Noice,” she says around a yawn. “Next time, you get to pick though.”

“I’d be honored,” he smiles.

“And bring Roy around too,” she mumbles into his chest. “None of us would mind, and I’d like to finally meet the legendary Red Grump.”

And just like that, Kaldur’s state of undistracted relaxation is gone. Suddenly paranoid that Zatanna can hear how fast his heartbeat has gotten, he sits up, jostling her out of her comfortable snuggle, faking thirst. He tries to calm down as he chugs from his water bottle, but Conner ruins his concentration but saying, “Are you okay?”

Kaldur nearly drops and spills it. “I -- What?” he asks. “I thought you were asleep?”

“I was just resting my eyes,” Conner frowns. “Why does your heart rate keep racing like that?”

At Kaldur’s bewildered expression, Conner shrugs. “I keep an ear out. It’s good background noise. But also in case anything goes wrong.”

Kaldur nearly snaps at him to stop it, but that wouldn't be right. He sighs instead. “I am fine, Conner. Thank you for your concern, but it isn’t necessary.”

“Okay, then color me curious,” Conner pushes back. “What’s going on with you?”

Kaldur realizes that the rest of the team has gone quiet, listening in. The feeling of being cornered creeps down his spine.

Artemis clears her throat, looking a little awkward. “Actually, Conner brings up a good point. We’re all a little...curious.”

He jerks to look at her, back ramrod straight. “What do you mean?”

“You haven’t been yourself lately,” she says, looking down. “I mean, sometimes you’re a million miles away even though you’re standing right in front of us. Your default face just looks...sad.”

“Batman may have mentioned that Aquaman was worried about you,” Robin adds, pointedly nonchalant. “He didn’t want to pry. But the concern is definitely spreading.”

“Plus, you’re our friend. I mean yeah, you lead us into increasingly ridiculous situations, but you’re also just Kaldur the merman who we all actually care about and seeing you look like you’re not quite sure where your next footstep is gonna land is just…” Zatanna trails off and shrugs. She’s looking at her hands. “You’ve done so much for all of us, Kal -- even me, and I just got here!”

“What she’s saying is, it’s time you let us do the carrying,” M’gann says gently. “Lean on us for a little bit, okay?”

Part of Kaldur is touched. His heart sort of melts and he feels foolish clenching onto his water bottle for dear life. But at the same time, his instincts to deflect have never been sharper. He doesn’t want them to pry, and he doesn’t want to open up, because how do you even begin to explain something you’ve never even let yourself think about?

The half of his heart that aches for companionship feels so full right now, he thinks he might burst.

And as always, he’s self-aware enough to know that he is not hiding this as well as he’d hoped.

He opens his mouth but chokes on the silence.

He has options here. No one is going to say something unless he does, or until the silence stretches into the territory of hostile, and he doesn’t want that. So he has the floor, and he can either come clean about one of the many things plaguing him, or dodge like he was born for it.

The thing is, it’s not like Kaldur likes, or even actively tries to keep everyone an arm’s length away. It’s just easier that way. Rather than bear the weight of social exile, or even risk being looked at differently, it’s easier to just...truck on. One can’t get hurt if he nevers offers others the opportunity to hurt him. There isn’t a portion of his brain that definitively believes his team would shun him if he came forward with the part of himself he hides away; it’s not like they’d run off to Batman and tell him Kaldur likes a boy, he’s unfit to lead, but that doesn’t mean there aren't icy tendrils of terror gripping his heart right now.

“This…” Kaldur starts, and everyone leans forward just a little bit. Waiting.

“This is a bit overwhelming,” he says honestly. “I am not sure that I...this is much more complicated than my words can explain.”

Robin is giving him that look again. Like he’s a puzzle--an especially difficult one. “Kaldur,” he says, without a hint of humor in his voice. “Truth or dare?”

This is the flashlight moment. His under a microscope moment. Kaldur can barely meet his eyes. He wants to talk to his friend, his heart hurts for it, for the connection, but at what cost?

But Robin is giving him an excuse to open his mouth, so he takes it.

“Truth?”

“Tell us,” says Robin, “whatever you want to. But just be honest.”

That’s a big request. Honestly, Kaldur wants to tell them what has been clawing at his heart for so long; that he is lonely, that this Cave is so empty and he days are so long without them. That his heart longs for someone that cannot and will not allow himself to have. That he loves in way he fears they will find ugly and disgusting -- even he himself fears it, and it makes no sense, and he’s both angry and jealous that Conner and M’gann don’t have to fear their love. They don’t question what their hearts feel, they don’t over analyze and dissect every moment and passing thought and try to shove it down as they burn with shame.

He wants to say, I like a boy, without his throat closing up or the world coming to a halt. Maybe he’s not ready to air all his dirty laundry, but he can at least start somewhere.

At the root of this all, Kaldur just really, really doesn’t want to feel so alone anymore.

“I am very grateful for all of you,” Kaldur’s mouth says before his brain can stop it. “So grateful, in fact, that I find myself missing you more often than not.”

Zatanna makes a tiny sound of understanding, but the others seem lost.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you get to live a life outside of the team. You get to go to school and meet your friends and sleep in your homes, and I am either here dreaming of Atlantis, or here waiting you to come back. I don’t...the issue is not that the Surface doesn’t feel like home. It’s that I feel at home when I’m with you, and that seems to be so...rare these days.”

The silence is deafening. Then Wally says, “Aw, jeez, Kal.”

Conner frowns in a way that is far more emotional than his default. “I’m not gonna lie, I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Me either...but it’s true, isn’t it? We have been hanging out outside of missions less…” M’gann admits reluctantly. “Things have just been so busy since summer ended, especially with school.”

“I’d drop high school in a heartbeat to spend more time here, I swear, but my parents would never buy it.”

Kaldur has to fight the urge to roll his eyes. “I would never ask that of you, Wally. School is important. You cannot just leave.”

“I already told you I’d do it if anyone would let me,” Zatanna says. She sounds like she’s only half-joking.

“Alter ego life is pretty jampacked,” Artemis says. “We’re sorry, Kal. And not just like, a little sorry -- we’re really sorry. You know if we could stay longer, we would.”

“I know,” he says. For some reason, that just makes everyone seem even more unhappy.

The silence lasts several more moments, and Kaldur wishes he hadn’t said anything at all. Robin has finally stopped examining him, but now his expression is even harder to read.

“Okay,” Robin says, steepling his fingers. “Switching the game to 20 questions. Question number one -- can you promise us that you’ll tell us these things more often? You’ve got one heck of a poker face; we can’t know what’s up unless you say something.”

Kaldur looks sheepish. He nods quietly. “I will do my best.”

“Question two, did you write all that down before you said it? Or was that off the top of your head? ‘Cuz that was like, Obama-level good, dude.”

Trust Wally to break the tension; Robin digs his elbow into his side while the others chuckle, and Kaldur manages a smile himself. “I do not answer stupid questions.”

“Oh c’mon.”

“Here’s a question,” Artemis says, “just...you don’t have to answer it, but I’m just putting it out there. Is there something else you’re not telling us?”

A worried silence falls over the room -- Kaldur inhales deeply and shakily and it takes a strong burst of courage to nod his head. It’s barely a movement, but it’s enough. It’s a start.

One day he will tell them about how he loves, but for right now, the most he can manage is this.

Artemis has an expression that says maybe, just maybe, she understands his struggle a little more than he’d thought she would. “Okay,” she says quietly, patting his knee. “Whenever you’re ready, we’re not gonna rush you.”

And, for what feels like the first time in long while, Kaldur exhales. He squeezes Artemis’ hand, and even though he can’t form the words to say his thanks out loud, he’s more than certain she understands.

“Number four,” says Conner solemnly. “What’s your favorite color?”

The rest of the game is full of laughter, and a level of familiarity Kaldur never noticed before. They joke easier, laugh more, and there’s no lingering tension in the air. It feels like home, and if he could, Kaldur would bottle this moment and live in it forever.

They talk until the early hours of the morning, and after it’s clear that no one’s getting up to go to bed, they dish out blankets and nod off one by one. Kaldur suspects he’s the last awake, until Zatanna nudges him gently with her elbow.

“One last question for you,” she says, barely louder than the quiet snores of their friends.

He simply hums his acceptance of his fate.

“What is really going on with you and Roy?” There’s no judgement in her voice but Kaldur still has to force himself to relax his shoulders. She sounds curious, not teasing, and maybe a little protective.

Maybe it’s because he’s so sleepy, but he chuckles for a moment, unbothered. “I wish I knew,” he says. “But between you and me? I hope he never asks for his shirt back.”

“I wish I was recording that,” Robin whispers, scaring the pants off of both of them. “You’re definitely gonna deny that in the morning.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Kaldur replies, stone-faced.

Zatanna begins laughing so hard she may very well start choking, and Robin only manages a hapless shrug before leaning onto Wally’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’m a patient guy. Artemis was on the money; take all the time you need, pal.”

He’s not sure if Robin is joking, but regardless, he feels an immense weight off his shoulders.

And he sleeps like a goddamn baby.

[zoemurph]

to have a friend, chapter 9: $202

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8

that noise you hear? its me. screaming. college is horrific and im super screwed please write this essay on the decameron for me

im ALMOST done with nano!! (as you can tell from the wordcount) there might not be a chapter update by the end of the month but i will hit my goal! wow magic. little bit of a shorter chapter this time cause uhhhh ive never claimed to be good at this

shoutout to my lovely friends for all their contributions to this fic. particularly thank you to cam for the amazing project name

warnings: anxiety, hints of bad eating habits

enjoy!

Evan pulls off his scarf and hangs it in his locker.

It’s finally snowed.

It snowed a few times before, October is notorious for it’s random snowstorms, but this is the first time this year it’s stuck. It started snowing Sunday morning and almost an inch gathered by mid afternoon. It was pretty light and uneventful, but Evan still made a point to send a picture of a snow dusted tree to Connor. Connor had replied ‘aesthetic’ and sent a picture of a plant Cynthia put in the living room that was mostly just dying.

Evan hangs up his coat and shoves the mittens in the sleeves. November is ending and only now does he really need to wear a coat to school. And take the bus. It’s hell.  

“So this is why you have a locker,” Connor says.

“You have a locker too,” Evan reminds him.

Connor laughs. “No I fucking don’t, not if I can’t tell you which one it is.”

Evan shakes his head. “You’re just lazy.”

“Yes.”

“But if you ever need to hang up a coat you’re welcome to use mine.”

Connor tilts his head. “Ev, what makes you think I’m weak enough to wear a winter coat?”

Evan stares at him. “The fact that tomorrow it’s supposed to be like six degrees out?”

“We die like men,” Connor says simply. He pulls Evan’s spanish textbook out of the locker and hands it to him.

“You die,” Evan says pointedly. “And your hands are freezing.” Evan stuffs the textbook into his bag and zips it shut. “Do you own gloves?”

“Cool fingerless gloves because it fits the aesthetic,” Connor says, wiggling his fingers.

Evan closes the locker. “You’re the worst.”

Connor bumps their shoulders together. “Come on, Ev, admit they’re cool.”

Evan shakes his head. “They really aren’t.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Connor says as he opens the door to the stairwell.

“Do you think I lie to you?” Evan asks, stopping to look Connor in the eye.

Connor stares at him.

Evan holds his breath. He doesn’t lie to Connor. Nothing he does is a lie. The question is will Connor figure that out. And if he does, will he hate him for it.

Connor rolls his eyes. “You just haven’t seen them yet. They’re cool.”

“Whatever you say,” Evan mutters. He starts down the stairs. “Has Jared started yet?”

“Started what?”

Evan opens the door at the bottom of the stairwell and holds it for Connor. “He has your phone number right?”

Connor frowns. “Yeah? Is something horrible about to happen?”

“What’s your definition of horrible?”

“Evan.”

“What?” Evan stops walking. “Don’t you go down?” He nods to the stairs.

Connor shrugs. “Yeah, but I can go the long way with you. What is Jared going to do?”

“Thanksgiving is Thursday,” Evan says slowly.

“Thank god. I don’t know how we’re getting through Wednesday but I’m fucking dying.”

“We have a half day, Connor.” Evan steps closer to him to squeeze past a group of students crowded around a locker.

“Who cares.” Connor looks down at him. “Anyway, what shit is Kleinman up to? And what does Thanksgiving have to do with it?”

“What happens after Thanksgiving?” Evan asks.

“People try to kill each other over jeans?” Connor suggests.

Evan snorts. “I-I mean, yeah, but it’s Christmas—”

“Jared is Jewish,” Connor interrupts. “I’m also Jewish. You’re Jewish.”

Evan glances up at him. “I know. He has this playlist of Christmas songs that he blasts in his car. I don’t know why. But he also has a playlist of Jewish parodies.”

“I’m sorry what?”

Evan sighs. “There’s one that’s called Shalom and he sang it for like a week. Basically, December is Jared’s favorite time of year because he can be an asshole under the guise of being ‘festive’.”

Connor groans. “Please don’t say he’s going to send me links to all these videos.”

“He will. I’m warning you.” Evan pauses. “Uh, this is my stop.” He motions to the classroom to their right.

Connor nods. “Cool. I’ll see you later, I have to go block Jared’s number.”

Evan smiles as Connor walks away and takes a deep breath before he goes into the classroom and sits down.

His pocket is light.

It’s Monday. Connor didn’t pay him today.

Evan rests his chin in his hand and hides his smile.

Maybe Connor just forgot. But it feels nice. Like this is real.

That’s what Evan wants.

—«·»—

“I’ve been talking to Baz,” Alana says, flipping through her notebook as she walks. Evan nods. “I think she might be a good advisor for the club? Students typically feel relatively comfortable talking to her and I know she’s discussed mental health at the beginning of the year before.”

Evan tightens one of the straps of his backpack. “Okay. I, um, we need a name before we talk to her?”

Alana shakes her head. “I think we can just discuss the idea with her, even if we don’t have all the details solidified yet. If she’s against the idea, regardless of the current state of the details, we have to find a new advisor.”

“Oh.” Evan steps away from Alana to let someone pass between them. “Do you… Like… Does it ever feel…not worth it?”

Alana furrows her eyebrows but doesn’t look over to him. “What do you mean?”

“You won’t even be around for the club, n-not really?” Evan shrugs. “It’s…a lot of work for something you won’t be around to see, I guess.”

“Well…” She slows her steps. “I mean, hopefully it’ll start next semester, and if not we can always say we took the step to start a discussion of mental health in the school but…it could help other people?”

Evan’s ears burned. “I didn’t mean—”

“I know you didn’t,” Alana says. “I’ve wondered it myself. There’s no glory in getting the details perfect if you aren’t there to run it, but if we help other people, I think it’s worth it in the end.”

Evan walks up to his locker and puts in the combination. “Y-you’re right, sorry I just— sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s valid to think about.” Alana taps her nails against her notebook. “Now if only we could come up with a name…”

“A name for what?” Connor asks.

Evan looks up at him in surprise. “Isn’t your next class on the other side of the school?”

Connor shrugs. “Who gives a shit?”

“A name for our club,” Alana says, fixing her glasses. “It has a focus on mental health and starting a conversation about it in our school.”

“This club,” Connor says. He tugs on the strap of his bag. “What are you working with for names?”

Evan and Alana exchange a glance.

“Nothing,” Alana says after a moment. “I was thinking maybe we could have the word ‘project’ in the name, but I haven’t come up with anything that’s stuck. Do you have any suggestions?”

“The Fuck Project,” Connor deadpans.

Evan covers his eyes with a hand.

“We are not calling it the Fuck Project,” Alana says.

“It’ll get people’s attention,” Connor points out.

“Not in a good way,” Evan mutters. He drags his hand down his face and looks at Connor, who’s grinning at him.

“We do need to get this approved by the principal,” Alana adds. “And that name will give people the wrong idea, that is absolutely not what this club is about.”

Connor shrugs a shoulder. “Temporary name, congrats, I helped out.”

“Not really.”

The warning bell rings and Alana glances over her shoulder.

“I should go,” she says, “but I’ll text you about Baz?”

Evan nods. “Y-yeah that’s— okay yeah. I’ll see you later?”

Alana smiles and hurries down the hall.

Connor watches her leave. “Baz?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Um, yeah.” Evan grabs the books he needs and closes the locker with his foot. “We need an advisor and Lana thinks Baz might be willing to help? Have you had her?”

Connor shakes his head. “Baz teaches the CP kids, usually. I’ve been, uh, honors.”

Evan blinks. “Oh yeah, I forgot college prep was a thing. She taught regular english sophomore year.”

“You had her?” Connor asks.

“Uh…kind of?”

Connor furrows his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

“Bad semester,” Evan mutters. “I, uh… There weren’t a lot of classes I…went to?”

Connor nods. “Got it.”

“Don’t you have class?” Evan asks quickly. His head is starting to spin.

“Yeah, I just.” Connor steps closer and Evan’s heart skips a few beats. “I’m sorry I forgot this earlier.” He presses a bill into Evan’s hand.

Evan closes his eyes.

Right.

Right. Right, of course. Connor just forgot. He didn’t mean anything by it. He’s sticking to the agreement.

Evan feels sick.

He crumples the bill up in his fist. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” he mumbles.

“It won’t happen again,” Connor promises.

Evan’s hand feels like it’s on fire.

—«·»—

Jared tosses his bag onto the couch and disappears into the kitchen. “Have you gotten any better about keeping food in your house?” he shouts.

Evan rolls his eyes. “Why do I need t-to buy food when you do it for me?”

Jared leans out of the doorway. “Fuck off, man, you never buy the chips I like.”  

“Exactly.”

Jared glares at Evan and ducks back into the kitchen. “Hungry?”

“Not really.” Evan reaches into his pocket and grabs the ten dollar bill Connor handed to him earlier. “Meet me up in my room?”

“Sure, stealing this chocolate, B-T-dubs.”

“I can’t stop you,” Evan mutters. “Bring up your bag! Don’t leave it on the couch!”

“Don’t tell me what to do!”

Evan leaves Jared to pull apart the kitchen and heads up to his room. He leaves his backpack on his bed and pulls open his closet, pushing aside sweatshirts to get to a shoebox he’s buried. He pulls the ten out of his pocket and stares at it for a moment before he takes the top off the shoebox and puts it inside. Then he covers it back up with his sweatshirts and closes his closet door.

Now he can pretend it doesn’t exist.

When Jared kicks open the bedroom door with popcorn in one hand and chocolate in the other, Evan is sitting on his bed with his laptop open.

“Wow, lame,” Jared says. Evan glances up at him. “I’m kidding,” Jared says quickly. “That’s exactly what I did yesterday.” He drops down into Evan’s desk chair. “How’d you spend your weekend?”

Evan shrugs. “Same. S-some homework and uh…spent Friday with Connor.”

Jared opens his bag of popcorn. “I’ve been fucking dying to know, what have you spent all that money on? Murphy has to have given you a shit ton at this point.”

Evan stares at his laptop screen, rubbing his hands on his pants. “N-nothing yet it just…it feels weird.” He can feel Jared’s eyes on him and feels a panic build in his chest. “It feels weird! It’s just— it’s in a box in my closet.”

“Sweet.” Jared stands up.

“Jared!”

“Okay, okay, yeah, that was kind of dicky.” Jared falls back down into the chair. “I wasn’t going to take it, I was joking. Your money dude, you earned it with your weird uh…situation.” Evan makes a face. “Don’t fucking do that with your face, you know this is weird.”

“Shut up,” Evan mutters. He could go into a coma right now and that would be fine.

“We can start a list of things you could buy with it.” Jared throws a piece of popcorn into the air and tries to catch it in his mouth. It bounces off his right lense and lands on the floor. “I’ll get that later. Anyway. List.”

Evan glances to his closet.

“One, not shitty sneakers. Two, shirts that aren’t polos. Three, so much candy. Four, a video game. Five, multiple video games even, I don’t know how much money you have. Six, something nice for your mom cause you’re a real momma’s boy. Seven, a fuck ton of yugioh cards—”

“Yugioh cards?” Evan interrupts.

“Yes.” Jared throws a piece of popcorn at Evan. “Let me finish.”

Evan shakes his head. “I think I get it.” He closes his laptop and swings his legs over the side of the bed. “You don’t want the money sitting in my closet.”

“No shit.” Jared tosses Evan the chocolate bar. “You can have half. But yeah, you’ve got money, dude, it’s not gonna fucking collect interest if it’s in the back of your closet or anything. You’re spending all this time doing this bullshit job, why not actually use what you get paid?”

Evan opens the chocolate bar and breaks it in half before handing the half in the packaging back to Jared. “I-I already told you. It feels…weird. I don’t know.”

“You know,” Jared says as he takes the chocolate, “this is kind of a sugar daddy situation.”

Evan immediately goes red. “Oh my god.”  

“Minus the sex stuff,” Jared says casually. “And the age difference, cause I don’t think Murphy is that much older you, is he?”

Evan is ready to melt into the ground. Or die. Or both. Both would be perferrable. “Jared, please—”

“Sugar buddy,” Jared says, snapping his fingers. “Connor is your sugar buddy.”

“This is the worst.”

Jared takes a bite of chocolate. “Do you have a better name for this?”

Friendship? Evan wants to just call it friendship. That’s totally not the case but—

“We can call it platonic prostitution if you want.”

“If you say that again I am kicking you out of my house.”

Jared holds up his hands in surrender. “Valid. That is totally valid.”

Evan starts breaking up his half the chocolate bar into smaller pieces. “I just… I don’t know. It’s weird. It’s a weird situation. But let’s not call it…that.”

“Yeah,” Jared agrees. “Fucking weirdass… Kind of regret helping out with it, honestly. It feels like a trainwreck I can’t look away from.”

“Really comforting there, Jared,” Evan mutters.  

Jared spins in the desk chair. “I’m just saying, what started out as a funny ha ha losers thing has gotten decidedly less funny.”

Evan furrows his eyebrows. “What was this funny?”

“Dude, come on, at least the first week was fucking hilarious,” Jared says with a crooked smile. It seems forced, but it’s still there.

Evan grimaces. “It wasn’t.”

Jared loses the smile. “Okay. It wasn’t funny, my bad.”

Evan makes a strangled sound. “Do you talk to Connor?” Some of the chocolate is starting to melt. He pops a piece of it into his mouth.

Jared snorts. “Hell no. We coexist, are you really going to ask more of us?”

“No,” Evan admits. “But if I tell you something, you won’t tell him?”

Jared gives him a weird look. “Tell him?”

Evan stares at him with wide eyes. “You’re already judging me!”

“No I’m not!”

“Yes you are!”

Jared throws his hands in the air. “I don’t even know what I would be judging you for!”

“I want Connor to stop paying me.”

Jared stares at Evan.

Evan’s hands start to sweat and his heart races. He looks down at the chocolate in the palm of his hand and eats it before it can melt any more. He wipes his hands on his pants. Then he wipes them again.

“Yeah, no shit,” Jared says once the silence is too long and too awkward and too uncomfortable.

Evan groans and collapses on the bed. “I just—”

“Want to be friends?” Jared offers.

“Um…yes, but also—”

Jared sits up straighter. “You didn’t.”

Evan pulls on his fingers. “I…what?”

“You’re in love with him!” Jared shouts.

“No!” Evan almost falls off the bed as he scrambles to his feet. “No, I don’t—”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! It’s just— it’s just a crush oh my god, Jared.”

Jared raises his eyebrows. “You said crush.”

Evan’s face gets hot. “Uh, yeah I— it-it’s not… I mean… I don’t think… It’s not like a big…deal? Or anything?”  

Jared stares at him. “Evan, it’s a big deal.”

Evan laughs awkwardly. “W-we don’t have to make it one.”

Jared squints. “Okay… I still have to kick your ass in Mario Kart. You ready?”

Evan takes a breath. “You’ve never been able to beat me, Jare. Especially since you keep choosing Rainbow Road.”

Jared jumps out of his seat. “Hell yeah I do, I’m going to mop the floor with your blood.”

Evan smiles. “Okay. If you say so.”

—«·»—

Jared loses. He swears aggressively as he reaches for his wallet to buy dinner.

“I hate you,” he hisses as he shoves a box of mozzarella sticks at Evan.

“Thanks,” Evan says. “Let me know when you want a rematch.”

Jared flips him off and grabs his sandwich off the table.

—«·»—

Heidi comes home as Jared is getting ready to leave. “Jared!” she says in surprise as she puts her bag down on the kitchen table. “I had no idea you were coming over.”

Evan and Jared look up from the television.

“Hey, Heidi, just wanted to steal your TV.” Jared tosses his Wii controller onto the couch.

“Your bag is still in my room,” Evan reminds him.

Jared shoots a fingergun at him. “Thanks.”

“Don’t leave on my account,” Heidi says, pulling her hair out of its ponytail.

“Nah, I have homework,” Jared says. “The moms want me home soon anyway.” He checks his phone and makes a face. “Yeah I should go, but thanks for letting me invade your house.”

“Anytime, Jared,” she says.

Jared grabs his bag from Evan’s room and bumps his shoulder against Evan’s as he goes to leave, wiggling his eyebrows.

Evan rolls his eyes. “Shut up,” he whispers.

Jared mimes zipping his lips. “See you tomorrow in hell.”

When Jared is gone, Evan finds his mom doing the dishes in the kitchen. “Can I help?” he asks.

She holds out a pot. “Dry and put away?”

Evan nods and takes it from her.

“It’s nice that you’re hanging out with Jared again,” Heidi muses. She washes a cup and sets it aside for Evan.

“Hm?” Evan dries off the pot and puts it in the cabinet next to the oven.

“You and Jared. You haven’t really spent a lot of time with him lately.”

“Oh.” Evan grabs the cup. “He’s been over. We…hang out and stuff.”

“That’s great.” She smiles at him. “It’s good that you have a friend.”

“Friends,” Evan corrects quickly, feeling guilt twist his stomach. He should be better at this. This friend thing. He should be making more progress than he has.

Heidi looks at him in surprise. “You’ve never mentioned anyone else before.”  

“Uh, yeah.” Evan keeps his eyes on the dishes he’s drying. “Connor.” He says it and then tries not to think about it. “And um…Alana?”

“Oh!” Heidi puts down the dish soap. “Well that’s great! We should try to have dinner with them sometimes.”

Evan ducks his head. “Mom.”

“I want to meet your friends!”

“I— uh…okay, I’ll um, ask them about it.” Evan decides he should never speak again. He keeps digging his holes deeper and deeper.

Evan talks with Connor by his locker. He walks with Connor in the halls. He smiles and laughs and pretends his chest isn’t constricting.

Connor looks at him and sometimes it feels real.

The ten isn’t in Evan’s pocket anymore, but Evan can still feel it’s presence.

They sit together at lunch and Connor pokes at Evan’s jello with a straw and Evan tries to keep his heartrate under control. Connor rambles on about something that happened in AP Lit — which is apparently the only class he pays attention to in any way — and Evan mostly just nods. Connor keeps looking at him and he kind of feels like dying.

Evan feels like he’s dying and then Connor smiles at him and better and it’s worse and Evan hates every part of his existence.

Connor bumps his shoulder against Evan’s and the butterflies in Evan’s stomach fluttered.

—«·»—

Evan sits at his desk and does homework. He hates it but it gives him something to do. His phone buzzes from where it’s plugged in next to his bed. Evan glances at his Spanish textbook. He gets up and checks his messages.

From: Connor To: Evan      can i call?

Evan’s throat immediately feels like it’s closing him. There’s an anchor wrapped around him and it’s dragging him down. Down down down—

He tries to type out a response but his hands are shaking.

Another message pops up on the screen.

From: Connor To: Evan      fuck its not bad shit i just realized how that sounds      im home alone and larry just got back and i dont want to talk to him      if im on the phone hell probably leave me alone

Evan takes a deep breathe and presses his palms against his eyes. It’s fine. It really is fine.

He replies as fast as he can, but it still takes him a minute to calm down.

From: Evan To: Connor      YEah fo course sorry for takin g so long to rpely

Connor’s response is almost immediate.

From: Connor To: Evan      you didnt take long at all ev youre fine      sorry if i scared you      gonna call now

Evan stares at the screen of his phone. As soon as ‘Incoming call from Connor’ pops up, he hits answer.

“Hello?” Evan sits down on the edge of his bed and grips the blankets.

“Hey,” Connor says. He sounds kind of tired. “Sorry if I freaked you out, didn’t think before I sent that.”

“It’s fine,” Evan promises. He doesn’t want to think about it anymore. A moment of panic. They can move on. “W-what do you want to, um, to talk about?”

“Don’t really know,” Connor admits. “Nice to talk to you, you sound different over the phone.”

Evan smiles. “So do you.” Connor’s voice sounds a bit deeper. Maybe rougher. “Someone thought I was a dad once when I had to call to cancel an appointment.”

“What?” There’s laughter in Connor’s voice and it makes Evan’s head spin. “How the fuck?”

“I don’t know. I-I just— I was trying to cancel and they were like ‘the patient’ and I was confused but was too scared to ask and then they asked my relation to the patient and were like ‘are you his father?’ and I was just kind of like… Well no, I’m the patient.”

Connor snorts. “Amazing. I’m proud of you for cancelling your son’s appointment.”

Evan leans back on his hands. “N-no they— we sorted it out. I almost threw up afterward but uh…probably could’ve gone worse.”

“Phone calls aren’t your thing, huh?” Connor asks. “Sorry for making you do this. If it’s easier for you we can stop.”

Evan shakes his head and then realizes that Connor can’t see him. “No it’s fine. Really, it’s okay with you. It’s nice.” Whoops that was more than he was supposed to share.   

“Okay, if you’re sure. Let me know if you want to hang up.”

“Of course,” Evan murmurs. “Uh… I asked you this like…three hours ago, but how was your day?”

“Pretty shit,” Connor admits. “Right now I’m uh….eating grapes.”

“Well that’s good. You didn’t eat lunch.”

“I never eat lunch.”

Evan hums. “Okay, that’s true.”

“What about you?” Connor asks. “Have you eaten anything today other than shitty cafeteria food?”

“Uh…no,” Evan says slowly. “I’m not super hungry.”

“Get a drink or something for me.”

Evan smiles. “Are you trying to parent me?”

“Fuck, Zoe’s rubbing off on me, isn’t she? How the fuck?” Evan imagines Connor dragging his hand through his hair.

“Her and your mom,” Evan points out. “They aren’t that similar, you know.”

There’s a slight pause. “I guess you’re right. I don’t notice that shit. Zoe’s just…Zoe. I don’t know.”

“Outsider’s perspective,” Evan suggests. “I also don’t live with them, so I might be wrong.”

“Huh.” There’s a pause. “Okay but hydration.”

“I’m going,” Evan promises. He stands up from his bed and heads down the stairs. “Are you staying hydrated?”

Connor clears his throat. “Uh…” Evan smiles as he hears Connor’s bed squeak as Connor stands up. “Yeah of course.”

“You’re going to get a drink, aren’t you?” Evan asks. He walks into the kitchen and pulls a cup from the cupboard.

“No,” Connor says quickly. “Definitely not.”

“Okay.” Evan fills the cup with water and takes a sip. “So uh…sports?”

Something on Connor’s end shuts. “I’m gay.”

Evan rolls his eyes. “Okay. Then you choose the conversation starter.”

“Okay. Did you know that eggplants are fruits?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck there goes my fun fact.”

Evan laughs. “I’m sure you can think of something else.”

“Don’t have faith in me, Ev, it’ll end badly. But give me a second.” Evan drinks his water as Connor thinks. “Okay. Want to hear lots of random shit about Ancient Egypt? Zoe and I had a phase.”

Evan sits down in a kitchen chair. “You know I do.”

“Well get comfortable, because this is going to be a while.”

[feza-creations]

2017... That was a thing apparently and it went by sooo faaaaast owo

My personal perspective on this year’s progress, art wise, is under the cut. Be warned, its very long. Onwards to 2018! >w<

LINKS

January /// February // March // April // May // June // July // August // September // October // November // December //

MY COMMENTS

Its been a while since I’ve done one of these. The last time I did one was back in 2013 then I kinda forgot to make one of these to be the cover of my folders on dA. I guess that happened around the same time that I switched over to Tumblr as my main place to post my art.

Looking back at all the art I’ve made this year, I feel like I’ve let myself down immensely. Its scary. The majority of my art this year and even last year have been nothing but sketches. Sketches that are either just lineart or colored with little to no backgrounds. I guess this might’ve been because I’ve also been working on my comic at the same time? I have been putting in a lot of effort to make it look nice and consistent, but even then I don’t think that should really be an excuse. If I can put that effort into a few panels, then why can’t I do it for any of my larger drawings?

Art should take time and here, there’s only a few drawings that I feel live up to my own standards. This only feels like its a fraction of what I can do. I think I realized this only around November and that’s kinda upsetting that it took me that long to realize that I wasn’t really doing as much as I hoped to. Looking at other people’s art that I look up to, I think “I wish I could do that.”. That was my main motivation to get better when I was younger. Now I can, but I just don’t for some reason. Its a strange sense of laziness that I’ve accidentally adapted to and now think that its okay, but its not, and that’s really what needs to be fixed. It hasn’t been happening with just my personal projects, but also commissions and other things that I’ve been taking part in and that’s definitely not okay. Not even in the slightest. Its messing up work flow and this isn’t the way to go moving forward. Its this weird feeling of stagnation that I’ve fallen into and I have no idea where it began. This is also a top priority to fix cause its just not something anyone should do, under any circumstances.

On the upside, forcing myself to start animating was an amazing decision. I have so many ideas that I want to work on alongside my other projects when I get the time to and its super cool seeing what I make move and come to life! Sure its time consuming, not having a proper animation program and all, but it’s definitely satisfying to see it finished in all its glory. Keeping my comic going is also great too. I haven’t given up on it yet, surprisingly, and this thing’s DEFINITELY gonna get finished one of these days. Even if it takes DECADES to finish it, I will. This is the one thing that I have my eyes set on until its completed. Its like an obligation to myself, my 12 year old self who failed twice to make this series a thing.

So, in 2018, Im gonna try to post less sketches in favor of putting more effort into larger, more detailed pieces. I might not post as frequently as I used to but its all for the best.

Looks like the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in these past 3 years is that I forgot to look back at what I’ve made and see if I’ve been doing things right all along. I was a little bit late to this realization but realizing what you've done wrong is the first step to fixing it. And that’s exactly what I’m gonna work on next year!

Wo, this got long @w@ Whoops.

Anyways, if you actually read all of this, then thanks for hearing my callout post on myself .u. That’s pretty much what this is

[blossom-hwa]

ooo director's cut..... im here to know more about constellation eheh -baker anon

Director’s cut ask game: ask for the director’s commentary on a particular story or section of a story that I’ve written! Or send in a ⭐star⭐  to have the author select a section they’ve been dying to talk about!

ANON I WAS HOPING SOMEONE WOULD ASK ABOUT CONSTELLATION THANK YOU I LOVE YOU

WOW so Constellation was something where at one point, I honestly didn’t think I would finish it? Let’s start from the beginning.

I was slightly inspired to write star!Felix by a fanfic I read on ao3, to touch the face of the stars by Iris_Duncan_72. It’s vastly different from Constellation but it does include star!Felix, and I really encourage you to read it if you don’t mind shipping (it’s Jisung/Felix) and some smut (you don't have to read it, I don't enjoy smut so I skipped it and the story was still beautiful) - the author’s writing is pretty much perfection imo. So when I started writing Whispers of Nature and was thinking of plot lines for each member, I thought of star!Felix and the idea was born :)

The rest of my thought process is going under the cut because there are spoilers :)

Oftentimes, when I get an idea for a fic, I think of one very vivid scene that I literally write the whole story just to write that one scene. For Constellation, that scene was the second to last, where Felix returns to the sky. Specifically, I wanted to write the part where Felix tells mc to look for him in the sky once he goes. 

Even though sometimes I deviate, I almost always write my stories in chronological order. Constellation wasn’t an exception. This was what made me so stagnant on this fic at the start - I couldn’t get the stupid first scene right. I rewrote that scene maybe 3 or 4 times before I was finally satisfied with it? Either way, it was really annoying, but I wanted to write that stupid scene so much that I kept going. 

There was another brief scene that I came up with while I was writing the beginning of the fic. It’s not even really a scene; I knew I would have the story end with mc speaking to the sky, but I came up with the last few lines late one night while thinking of Peter Pan for some reason. That explains the presence of Peter Pan in Constellation :) I just really wanted to reference ‘second star to the right and straight on til morning.’

The first half of Constellation was pretty boring to write. It was mostly Felix getting acquainted with the shrine, right, and I kept feeling like I was writing too much about it and at the same time too little? I didn’t want to make the story stagnant with too many unimportant things, but I also wanted Felix to have enough time to adjust? Towards the middle, I just stopped writing Constellation. It fucking sucked and I didn’t like it, but I also didn’t really want to change it. 

So after a long time, I finally reread what I had for Constellation and found that it really wasn’t as bad as I had thought it was? I fixed up some scenes, especially the scenes where Felix and mc begin to get to know each other at the shrine and in the forest. I added the detail where mc can draw, because I really wanted her to sketch a portrait of her star by the end, as a memory of him for when he left. 

I always knew Changbin was going to be a present character in this story, ever since I got the idea for star!Felix. He was going to be the sort of ‘mentor’ in the story, bringing the knowledge that would send Felix back home, but also serving as a rock for mc because he understands heartbreak. It was really exciting for me to introduce him to Constellation because it meant that the story really was getting into the plot. 

If you’ve read the rest of Constellation (and hopefully you have, or else you just got a hell of a lot of spoilers), you’ll know that it’s really just a LOT of angst. You should probably know that I never toyed with the idea of a happy ending except very, very briefly when I first came up with the idea. Felix was always going to go home and mc was always going to stay on Earth. This is partially out of laziness because I didn’t want to write a way that mc could join Felix? But it’s also because it just didn’t make sense to me - there are fics and stories where someone might leave their family or friends to be with their love, but the bond I imagined between mc and Jeongin, mc and the shrine, and Felix and his fellow stars was always just too great to be severed so easily. Though their love was definitely genuine, it wasn’t great enough to break the bonds of their respective families. There’s also the factor that in this universe, I had the stars as very pure beings, shining upon the blighted earth. Just as humans don’t belong in the sky, stars don’t belong on the earth. This was highlighted by Felix’s skin burning so easily as well as the constellation freckles on his face. Which brings me to my next point :)

FELIX’S FRECKLES. One major reason I thought of him as a star and no one else was because HIS FRECKLES. HIS FRECKLES COULD BE THE CONSTELLATION HE RESIDES IN. I’ve seen SO many stories comparing his freckles to stars, so I thought why not really make them stars????? :D

The end, as vividly as I’d imagined it, was still hard to write, mostly because it was just so sad that I had to take a few breaks to wipe my tears LMAO. When I first thought of that goodbye scene, I wrote out a part of the scene on my phone, the very last bit where the sky took Felix mid-kiss. Maximize the angst ;)

Some last thoughts: 

I don’t think of Constellation as an extremely sad story, at least not in the way that I count Moonstruck as sad. Some of you will definitely disagree, but in Moonstruck, there’s the question of what could have happened had mc not died? How could Changbin/mc’s story have progressed? Mc didn’t want to die, and neither did Changbin. Mc’s life was taken away from her in a way that was out of her control. 

In Constellation, the ends are tied. There is a reason Felix left, and there is a reason mc stayed. They loved each other and they understood each other. They made their choices and loved each other enough to respect them. Though they don’t end up together, they chose their paths. No one made the choice for them. They decided, themselves. 

You’re absolutely welcome to let me know if you thought otherwise (I’m actually really curious to see who agrees with me and who doesn’t and why! I think it could go both ways)

Anyway, kudos to you if you read this far. This is but a pinch of my thought process for Constellation - there’s a lot that I forgot or didn’t think was very important :) Thanks baker anon for sending this in!!

tl,dr: Felix was a star bc of a fic I read and because of his beautiful freckles, I always knew Constellation was going to be angsty, but I don’t think it’s really as sad as Moonstruck :) 

[cervclle]

FOR POSTERITY @revcille

[10:16:12 PM] <cervclle> Overwatch was a mistake. [10:16:16 PM] <infrasnipe> Yes. [10:16:17 PM] <revcille> ... [10:16:18 PM] <cervclle> Then again, many things are. [10:16:19 PM] <revcille> It was needed. [10:16:26 PM] <cervclle> So I wouldn't give it that much credit. [10:16:27 PM] <infrasnipe> Was it? Hm. [10:16:29 PM] <revcille> Just... not the way it was. [10:16:35 PM] <doctorscrders> ... a necessary evil if you will. [10:16:43 PM] <revcille> Or just a necessity. [10:16:44 PM] <raindcwn> .. [10:16:47 PM] <cervclle> If it was not needed as it was then it was not needed at all. [10:16:49 PM] <cervclle> Pick one. [10:16:59 PM] <revcille> Maybe I am imposing too much. [10:17:03 PM] <revcille> Let me correct myself. [10:17:05 PM] <raindcwn> Yeah, I'm gonna go get some coffee [10:17:09 PM] <revcille> I wish I hadn't joined it. [10:17:25 PM] <doctorscrders> I was able to save lives. [10:17:28 PM] <doctorscrders> I don't regret that. [10:17:36 PM] <revcille> I'm glad it existed, but my input was probably... overdue. [10:17:42 PM] <doctorscrders> Having my life changed and reputation ruined... I do. [10:17:49 PM] <raindcwn> None of you grew up with Overwatch. [10:18:07 PM] <doctorscrders> I was 17. [10:18:09 PM] <cervclle> I mean, Overwatch is inadvertently responsible for getting me my job so... take that how you will. [10:18:15 PM] <raindcwn> I knew it all my life. [10:18:15 PM] <doctorscrders> Define... grew up. [10:18:23 PM] <revcille> Chloe, we need to talk about your job, by the way. [10:18:34 PM] <cervclle> A discussion for another time, perhaps? [10:18:38 PM] <raindcwn> you weren't RAISED by it, you didn't KNOW them like I knew them, Not even you, Angela. [10:18:38 PM] <revcille> No. [10:18:45 PM] <doctorscrders> True. [10:18:58 PM] <doctorscrders> But, I wouldn't discount my input either. [10:19:03 PM] <raindcwn> I'm [10:19:08 PM] <cervclle> My job is what it is. Not my fault you never figured it out. [10:19:09 PM] <raindcwn> going to go for a walk. [10:19:50 PM] <revcille> Not your fault? [10:20:08 PM] <cervclle> It never came up. [10:20:22 PM] <raindcwn> ((I CAN'T BELIEVE FAREEHA GOT EMO OVER OVERWATCH [10:20:32 PM] <revcille> 'Hey Gerard, good day we are having, by the way, I work for a terrorist organization'. [10:20:45 PM] <revcille> What the /hell/, Chloe. [10:20:50 PM] <cervclle> Well, that would have made the conversation awkward. [10:20:50 PM] <doctorscrders> ((i mean, she has reason to)) [10:20:59 PM] <raindcwn> ((ye [10:21:02 PM] <revcille> Awkward? That is what you care about? [10:21:14 PM] <cervclle> Not particularly. [10:21:16 PM] <revcille> Not the hand you have in the deaths of innocents? [10:21:30 PM] <revcille> ....I am preaching to a brick wall right now. [10:21:36 PM] <cervclle> You're catching on. [10:21:43 PM] <revcille> Thanks. [10:21:47 PM] <doctorscrders> ... sometimes it's not worth the effort. [10:21:54 PM] <revcille> Clearly. [10:21:58 PM] <cervclle> ( CHLOE IS FEELING CALLED OUT ) [10:22:02 PM] <revcille> ( GOO D) [10:22:11 PM] <cervclle> I'm still here, you two. [10:22:12 PM] <doctorscrders> Chloe has her own way of doing things. [10:22:22 PM] <infrasnipe> ( aww its ok chloe. working for a terrorist organization is pretty bad, but on the upside... you look good while doing it, maybe? ) [10:22:22 PM] <revcille> She's a smart woman. [10:22:31 PM] <revcille> But she does very dumb things apparently. [10:22:37 PM] <revcille> ( PLS ) [10:22:56 PM] <doctorscrders> It's not like either of us are going to change that, though.. [10:23:05 PM] <cervclle> ( she'll take that as a consolation ) [10:23:07 PM] <doctorscrders> Give it time. [10:23:07 PM] <infrasnipe> I feel as if I am contractually obligated to defend my employers. [10:23:10 PM] <revcille> That is what you think. [10:23:11 PM] <cervclle> It's like they forgot I'm here. [10:23:25 PM] <revcille> Amelie, you are the last person who should defend them. [10:23:33 PM] <doctorscrders> Nope. That was just as much for you, as it was for us. [10:23:42 PM] <infrasnipe> Do you think so? [10:23:45 PM] <infrasnipe> Hm. [10:23:50 PM] <revcille> ... [10:24:06 PM] <cervclle> Well, you're right. I do things my way. [10:24:11 PM] <revcille> Maybe I should keep my mouth shut for now. [10:24:24 PM] <cervclle> Whether or not Talon signs my paycheque is a minor detail. [10:24:32 PM] <infrasnipe> Sometimes it is best. [10:24:33 PM] <revcille> Or not. [10:24:34 PM] <raindcwn> I'm back [10:24:35 PM] <raindcwn> I'm sorry for that outburst, earlier. [10:24:47 PM] <revcille> Chloe, va chier. [10:24:53 PM] <revcille> Oh, welcome back. [10:25:08 PM] <doctorscrders> Had some time to yourself? [10:25:09 PM] <revcille> ( fareeha: hi im back / gerard: fuck u chloe-- ohey ) [10:25:24 PM] <raindcwn> ((hkhdsfkfdja [10:25:35 PM] <infrasnipe> ( widowmaker: i hate talon ) [10:25:42 PM] <infrasnipe> ( also widowmaker: (cant say that) ) [10:25:51 PM] <cervclle> ( chloe: wow it's a good thing this isn't the widowmaker I helped with—i mean what ) [10:25:53 PM] <revcille> ( :eyes: ) [10:26:01 PM] <cervclle> ( that is always open to plotting ) [10:26:09 PM] <infrasnipe> ( you've piqued my interest ) [10:26:14 PM] <cervclle> ( we'll talk ) [10:26:29 PM] <cervclle> Gerard, I make no apologies. [10:26:51 PM] <revcille> And I shall make none to you. [10:26:51 PM] <cervclle> But I have my autonomy. [10:27:05 PM] <cervclle> There are some things I won't do for Talon. [10:27:17 PM] <revcille> Unless it is for a paycheque. [10:27:19 PM] <infrasnipe> ( widowmaker voice: autonomy, huh... ) [10:27:44 PM] <cervclle> I'm not in it for the money either. [10:27:48 PM] <raindcwn> .... [10:27:54 PM] <cervclle> Though it has its perks. [10:27:58 PM] <raindcwn> Wow this game is a serious danger to my job security [10:28:27 PM] <cervclle> ( I'm gonna keep the game going in the background just because ) [10:28:50 PM] <cervclle> ( unless anyone has major objections ) [10:28:56 PM] <revcille> Not in it for the money-- but you're in it for the money. [10:29:11 PM] <revcille> Or is it because no one would hire a braindead neurologist? [10:29:20 PM] <cervclle> ( please do keep interrogating my muse while I judge my own bad humour ) [10:29:37 PM] <revcille> ( PL S) [10:29:47 PM] <revcille> ( ive never written gerry this salty i ma so sorry ) [10:29:48 PM] <cervclle> ( ALSO WOW GERARD ) [10:30:06 PM] <cervclle> ( NEVER MIND THIS GETS MY FULL ATTENTION ) [10:30:21 PM] <infrasnipe> ( wrow ) [10:30:45 PM] <revcille> ( owo ) [10:30:47 PM] <cervclle> Neurosurgeon but please say how you really feel. [10:31:27 PM] <revcille> Why should I? [10:31:27 PM] <cervclle> Did you not just say you were preaching to a brick wall anyway? [10:31:41 PM] <cervclle> ( you're gonna hurt her feelings and I will be impressed ) [10:31:45 PM] <revcille> Maybe I'm a bit more fed up than I thought I was. [10:32:17 PM] <cervclle> No kidding. [10:32:25 PM] <revcille> Consider this cheesy, but I remember going to your graduation knowing big things were going to happen with you. [10:32:36 PM] <revcille> Bright, talented. Maybe a bit socially inept, but that did not stop you. [10:32:42 PM] <cervclle> Not what you were expecting then? [10:33:06 PM] <revcille> Well, I certainly wasn't expecting you to end up in a terrorist cult. [10:33:13 PM] <revcille> But what do I know. [10:34:14 PM] <cervclle> Not everyone is so idealistic as to think they can change the world. [10:34:45 PM] <doctorscrders> ( THIS IS GOOD SHIT ) [10:34:52 PM] <infrasnipe> ( w r o w ) [10:35:19 PM] <cervclle> But I can do what I'm good at and Talon offers the means. [10:35:30 PM] <revcille> So the money. [10:35:35 PM] <cervclle> The rest of what they do is their business. [10:35:45 PM] <revcille> Just admit that you're shallow, Chloe. [10:35:57 PM] <revcille> No different from the rest of Montreal, right? [10:35:58 PM] <raindcwn> ((OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO [10:36:04 PM] <cervclle> Of course I am. When have I ever implied that I'm not? [10:36:38 PM] <revcille> ...where ever she is, I'm certain your mother is doubly proud of you. [10:36:46 PM] <cervclle> Besides, no one has tried to kill me for my efforts. I consider that something to— [10:36:47 PM] <cervclle> ... [10:36:50 PM] lcvedva has left the game. [10:37:01 PM] <doctorscrders> ( O H F U C K ) [10:37:02 PM] <cervclle> Va chier. [10:37:08 PM] <revcille> Ah, there we go. [10:37:18 PM] <raindcwn> (OH MY GOD [10:37:26 PM] <cervclle> ( literally everyone: time to watch this end poorly ) [10:37:40 PM] <doctorscrders> ( GERARD'S ABOUT TO RE-DIE ) [10:37:45 PM] <cervclle> ( YEP ) [10:37:49 PM] <revcille> ( ger voice: kill me mommy ) [10:38:02 PM] <raindcwn> ((stop rn [10:38:18 PM] <doctorscrders> (( goddamnit gerard )) [10:38:32 PM] <doctorscrders> (( ang voice: i can't look away, someone pass the popcorn )) [10:38:33 PM] <cervclle> You got lucky this time, Gérard. Don't think you'll last very long if someone happens to let slip that you got away. [10:39:07 PM] <revcille> Lucky? How is literally dying lucky? I was simply fortunate to have a good background under my belt. [10:39:22 PM] <revcille> You do too, you know. What you did with it is the equivalent of tossing it into the trash. [10:39:32 PM] <cervclle> Lucky that it wasn't more permanent. [10:39:38 PM] <cervclle> That can be fixed. [10:39:40 PM] <infrasnipe> ( w r o w ) [10:39:54 PM] <revcille> I'd absolutely love to see you fix it. [10:40:13 PM] <revcille> ( chat rn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwEbtGAvs28 ) [10:40:32 PM] <raindcwn> ((YEAH [10:40:58 PM] <cervclle> Don't test me. I wouldn't even need to get my own hands dirty. [10:41:19 PM] <revcille> You'll get someone else's, right? [10:41:35 PM] <revcille> You're a smart girl, but lazy? Who would have considered. [10:41:54 PM] <cervclle> No, I just think it would be more appropriate to let your wife finish what she started. [10:42:28 PM] <revcille> Because it clearly worked out the last time. [10:42:44 PM] <cervclle> Science is full of trial and error. [10:43:04 PM] <cervclle> Mistakes can be corrected. [10:43:22 PM] <infrasnipe> ( amelie watching her colleague have a go at her ex husband ) [10:43:26 PM] <cervclle> ( I was telling Jess and Naomi how my games always end in character death and I did not disappoint ) [10:43:46 PM] <revcille> Then correct yourself and see if you feel the same way. [10:43:47 PM] <revcille> ( fcK ) [10:44:09 PM] <cervclle> How mature of you. [10:44:41 PM] <raindcwn> (remember when ana wanted widow to kill her, lee) [10:44:41 PM] <revcille> Chloe. [10:44:46 PM] <revcille> ( GOD ) [10:44:49 PM] <revcille> ( NEVER FORGET ) [10:44:53 PM] <cervclle> ( those were the days ) [10:45:44 PM] <cervclle> It's cute how you haven't changed. [10:46:11 PM] <revcille> I wish that were the truth. [10:46:40 PM] <revcille> I can never forgive myself for what happened with Amelie. But you? You're just not worth the extra concern. [10:47:24 PM] <cervclle> And yet we're having this conversation. [10:47:48 PM] <cervclle> The irony is that even I can tell that you care or we wouldn't be. [10:48:11 PM] <revcille> If I care, then I certainly don't care enough. [10:48:19 PM] <revcille> That is how these things work. [10:48:50 PM] <cervclle> Suit yourself. [10:49:46 PM] <infrasnipe> ( 🍿 ) [10:49:49 PM] <cervclle> ( is it just me who is also finding it funny that our urls look so similar ) [10:49:56 PM] <revcille> ( ITS FUCKING ME UP ) [10:50:08 PM] <cervclle> ( WE ACCIDENTALLY MATCH AND WE NEVER INTENDED TO ) [10:51:23 PM] <revcille> ( AND IMMA HOP OFF BC #DRAMATICEXIT AND PLUS I SHOULD ,, DO REPLIES AKA THINK ABOUT DOING THEM AND STARE AT MY DASH ) [10:51:41 PM] revcille has left the game. [10:51:42 PM] <raindcwn> ((same tho [10:51:46 PM] <raindcwn> (big mood [10:51:55 PM] <cervclle> ( I approve... anyway, thanks for the live audience! ) [10:52:08 PM] <raindcwn> ((i love how we all became emo at Some Point [10:52:19 PM] <raindcwn> ((What's with CAH doing that to our muses [10:52:47 PM] <cervclle> ( the humour is dark... like they are ) [10:52:53 PM] <infrasnipe> ( wrow ) [10:53:11 PM] <raindcwn> ((so i guess this is iT [10:53:13 PM] infrasnipe has left the game. 

[theabandonedfeelings-blog]

The Infinites

Being a part of this instant family (to me) is one of the most precious thing that ever happened to me. Imo, to meet them was the best thing I experienced in my 2017. We consisted of  8 people. We may look normal, but actually we are real dorks.We have different characters and personality, ofcourse. But fortunately we blended and matched each other so well. I was always so quite and preserve whenever Im with new people, but with them, it is indeed, an exceptional. Being an introvert didnt even help me, but they did, help me. KKN era forced me to adapt faster than I usually did, because we only had 45 days, right? I wasnt even familiar with the idea of 'living with some strangers and doing things together with some strangers'. It was my biggest nightmare to live with people other than family. But KKN really changed the way I perceived something.

There were times when I just wanted to be alone. Whenever Im in my solitary moment, one of them would came up to me, asked, "What are you doing here all alone? Can i join?". Thats why I never been alone while at KKN bcs they always nongol one by one and joined my dont-disturb-me-i-want-to-be-alone-for-a-while corner. Whatevs I did and whenever i went, they could always find me. And somehow I felt thankful for that. That was how they invaded my personal spaces, and made me realize that no matter how introvert you are, you will find comforts if you are being surrounded by the right people.

We named our self The Infinite Team. We had a deep philosophy meaning behind that name. Our group consists of 8 people, eight means infinite. By 'infinite' we hoped that our spirit will be infinity to face infinity problematics that we had when KKN. Sounded cheesy, we knew. But we strived to meet the expectations. We hoped we exceed people expectation by carrying that name. Yea, that name meant alot for us. Others group would consisted of 9 or 10, but since we were only 8 we received less amount of money from uni. It didnt bother us that much. But, our concern was the amount of people we had. We were 2x more tired bcs we lacked of people, compared to others. We used to have double job, cover each other position while finishing our own jobdesk. The plus is : our posko was actually a small house with 3 rooms. By having 8 members we could save space and EVEN WATER (oh god thankyou). We didnt have to queue for too long to take a bath or shalat. We divided the household chores fairly, ex doing dishes (2 people in each meal time), doing laundry (2-4 people in a day), house cleaning, and cooking. We usually did the turn by playing some games. Tho its childish but we found it fun. We used to play UNO every night. Or when we got bored of UNO we switched to other card games, like bohong, werewolf, speed, obat nyamuk, and etc. We used to arrange our schedule every ba'da isya by writing some to do lists in the whiteboard. After Maghrib,I turned the TV and I got scolded alot bcs i always watched naruto. Its not because they dislike naruto, but it was bcs that Naruto eps was being replayed over and over again that they fed up with it. But they still watched it anyway lol, I know you guys would still like it, stop complaining.

Every Saturday noon, we sat together to watch master chef and ninja warrior (our life saver). In Sunday morning we spent some times by having breakfast and watching Doraemon. Every once in a week we went out to eat at some random warung by using 'uang kehidupan'. We would get 'scholarship' to eat gratisan from that uang kehidupan. Yeah we had this habit to give nicknames in every thing. We called a bunch of snacks with 'uang rakyat' bcs we bought it with money from uni. We named our family room with 'ohana room' bcs Ohana means family. We named our flashlights 'Sumber kehidupan' bcs idk?. We named one of our room the 'before after room' bcs we used it to do make up. We had a room called 'logistics room' bcs thats where we keep our logistics. We named a guling as 'Oji's boyfriend' bcs thats how jones she were. We gave a nickname to a middle schooler as 'elsa' because his hands were always cold. And oh, we even gave name to our lovely live safer, 3 motors that we brought along from solo. They are ABut, plat K, and dolphino. We also had 2 cats, named Mendes and Alex. And these are the infinites :

1. Amel

Amel is that person who was in charge of cooking. She liked to take a nap at 13.00 and woke up at 14.30 straightly. She went to sleep early than any other people. She is actually a year older than the rest of us but she is the most innocent. One day she copied Dimma's pick up line, "WTF", thinking it means "astaga" in bahasa indo. She used that word for a week straight until we told her the actual meaning of that phrase. Her favorite activity consisted of taking photos and selfie, and update them on socmeds. She is the softest from all of us tho. She was also in charge of some updates in our instagram. She always got the most numerous bullies but she always nevermind. She could always laughed even for some lame jokes. She likes Spongebob, even she laughed like spongebob. She always lost whenever she plays game. But she tried hard in every Zombie vs Plants game and even counter strikes. One day, i saw her cry in the backyard but i didnt approach her bcs i thought whenever someone's crying I want to give them their space. I thought I would asked her whe she's feeling better, but dammit I forgot, like at all. Im sorry mel, i love you.

2. Ayub

Ayub is our Koordinator Desa or Kordes. He is practically our leader. But he somehow didnt act like a leader. He is the laziest person in this team. We picked him only because his home is in Pati, the Kabupaten we lived in. Ayub is the most narsis person i have ever known. His personality in 16personalities proved that he had the most common personality (16% of the amount of population in the world). He is the antithesis of my personality. He is so extrovert and comfortable to share his thing. He was always plays music using speaker every morning. At first we didnt bother with it, but slowly it annoyed us because his playlist was so damn lame. I knew he was always a dork but, come on, who would download covered songs with clapping sounds in the background. You can just download the actual song instead, Yub, smh. We used to hid that damn speaker to prevent Ayub for playing his music in the early morning. They gave the speaker to me and hoped that I would play better playlists, but I dissapointed them right after bcs i only had 4 songs, and it was all Taylor swift songs. But aside from his weird music taste, he is good at cooking. His level is far higher than mine. He likes to learn new things like the cup song, english, UNO, and even being doctor (we had 2 medical students). He likes to play badminton and always criticized at how I play. He was also dumb at times. But overall, he is a good person.

3. Azis

Azis whose name is everywhere is the most receh person. His jokes were always so lame that sometimes it could make us mad at him. We had to pretend that we didnt hear him joking in order to stop his lame jokes. Aside from that, he is a hardworking person. He is in charge of being the most religious person but somehow he had the dirtiest mind among us. He once said to me that in his campus life, he's known as quiet and preserve type which is the vice versa of the personality he had in KKN. He always had me to do chores and force me to buy things like flour, egg, and etc. His motor is Dolphino. He is the one who always complain at everything. And always saying things that triggered us but ended it like, 'Guys why would you do something stupid like this, CAN I JOIN'. He is dork af but in front of childrens he always in serious mode activated. His works often being underapreciate but he never failed us, always treated us good. He was like our human-reminder. He remind us time to time for some small details. "Guys dont forget that tmrw we still have 100 things to do, lets sleep before its too late". Or. "Guys, did you remember what pak kades said about xxxxx?". Or. "Dont forget to buy this and that." Thankyou for your concern, zis. Just knew that we were bunch of forgetful people, without him, we'd be lost.

4. Bela

Bela was the only one who constantly doing her puasa senin-kamis while KKN. Thats why we gave her exception by ousting her from doing dishes. She might be the most sensitive person among us, but she was also caring and considerate. She is younger than me, but she's all matured. She was the alternate kordes whenever Ayub's not in good mood to talk. She had alotta secret admirers, from children to abang penjual pentol istimewa. She is good with elder people. We can talk about almost everything. Tho she spent the most of time doing make up, she's actually not that girly. She was my partner in magang, doing laundry, and dishes. She was my life saver whenever im lazy driving the motor. Her motor named ABut, and it was my fave.

5. Dimma

Dimma whose name is soooo long is the one who took his most KKN time by annoying others with his childish behaviour. Indeed he is the youngest of our team. He is lowkey soft and caring. He onced renewed ABut's oli, he brought us food even without us asking, he made sure that everyone got their rights. He's just our precious youngest. He's good at fixing electronical problems. He was my partner in everyday's life. He took me round the village and helped me filmed using dslr. He gave me input and critics abt my editing. He was my partner on doing dishes. He laughed with me tho its past midnight while we did our own works and the others were mad at us bcs they were sleeping. He was the one who accompanied me stargazing in teras. One day we had to begadang because it was almost deadline and we havent finished our works. He was doing his presentations and I was busy doing the after movie. We were working quitely on our own works bcs we didnt want to disturb the others bcs our sounds. At 01.00 am we got tired and i asked him random things but we ended up having a serious deep talk about life. He was the one who made fun of my name by calling me Karizzza. It annoyed me at first, but I was sorta get used with my name being made fun of. I once told them that my name is meaningless (i didnt mean to say like that, it was because im mad). But in the end, at his letter he told me this, "The name in which you think is meaningless actually have a great meaning, it is a hope and prayer from your parents. It defines how strong you were and what you will be in the future. Dont hate your name okay." And that was everyone, the first time he ever called me Karizsa.

6. Iim

I cannot find proper words to describe how grateful i am to be in the same team with her. She is, as everybody knows, my bestfriend in campus. We are in the same class and even in the same queer. She is so critical, open minded, respectful, thoughtful, and reliable + dependable. She is full package. She always ordered to be MC in everty formal event. She ate the most than the rest of us, but she didnt gain weight. She's known for her smol and short figure and always busy with her phone. She had her most time by catching up news and watching GOT spoiler on yutub. We had the same obsession with Blackpink's song As if it your last. We came from the same faculty, so our way of thinking were more in political way. Thats why sometimes our opinions were divided between them and me & iim. At the end, we'd find a way, we got this. Me and her, We spoiled each other alot bcs weve known for sooo long. We cursed at each other in everyday life bcs thats just how bestfriend works. That bij, i love her.

7. Oji

I think my team didnt deserve Oji. She is the kindest, the most humble and easy going among us. Tho she didnt understand javanese, she always takes her time by learning javanese phrases, even made effort by writing it in books so she can memorize later. She brought half of her stuffs to posko. She brought along her car which takes 4 hours long from solo. She is strong independent woman, even she rode a pickup car that none of boys cannot ride. She is true gamer and half eater. She always tell stories abt her family and her campus life. Her family is somehow looked like bunch of gag (based on her story). She got calls from her family time to time. She was my dumb & dumber partner. Oji is a lil bit crybaby tho. She cried the most while KKN. She is a medical student, but her acts didnt say so. Hahahaha. One day, he told us this : "Do u know what make me grateful to be in this team? Thats because you never say that phrase." "What phrase?", Asked us. " 'Im embarassed being your friend' ". We felt so soft. And thats it. I enjoyed being with them. Tbh it was the best 45 days I've spent in my entire life so far. Well spent. It was such an unforgettable story to live with these seven dorks. Even after our KKN life ended, im still bragging to my other friends about them. They did the same too. I learnt a lot from them. Thanks guys for making my KKN life better than it should be. I guess ‘thankyou’ is just an understatement word to describe how grateful I am to have them.

I should've disappointed bcs i didnt get to KKN in my own kabupaten. But instead, God came with a better plan. When i shared abt KKN life with my campus friends, they mostly complained about how bad their teamwork or any conflicts happened within their team. But thanks God, i've never experienced that, at all. We were so lucky to have each other. At the last day, we wrote a letter to each other. One of it said, "Im so thankful to be in the same team with these strong people".p>

And yeah, we all were thankful for having each other, dont we?

Let’s meet again now and in the future, guys.

[mystery-snail]

hello it’s time for Whine Time ™ (kind of private maybe dont read, its just me bitching about some stuff but if you have dealt with the gross/ugly sides of depression or anxiety and you genuinely feel you have advice that might help go ahead. but i promise this isn’t anything juicy or interesting, it just felt good to vent while i waited for my homework to upload)

so ive been having some shitty fallouts after i came home and returned to school after surgery. i had tried to plan ahead (i did all my homework ahead of time, made sure i stayed in touch with teachers, got extensions, etc). but the recovery was a whole week more than it was supposed to be and i spent that week lazing around and playing games when i could have been catching up

ive been so freaked out about everything that ive completely fallen off the radar. i feel like im faking all of this and everyones going to find out that im not smart or organized or happy when they see me fail. im supposed to graduate in may and my mom wants to have a party, and she said she’d do all the planning, but every ten minutes is an email or a text demanding i drop everything and help. i tried saying i cant and she didnt even adknowledge it. i have so many projects due and appointments with doctors and i have already made a commitment to return to work tomorrow. i cant leave work again (i was gone for 2 weeks and theyre slammed, understaffed, its only a 2 hour shift etc)

my life has fallen apart and im doing stuff ive never done when im depressed. my room is full of food garbage and its starting to smell. my bed is covered in clothes but i dont even know whats clean or dirty. i dont sleep because i get so anxious and guilty that im not doing homework or working on something. my floor is a mess and i cant even make myself take care of my body. i havent brushed my hair in almost 3 days. i wear the same jeans, hoodie, and shoes every day because i cant take time to care. i cant even eat. i have been drinking meal replacement shakes and eating toast. sometimes i can eat small things or soft things, like nuts and jello. my body feels terrible but taking time to cook or even sit down and eat feels like im being lazy

my boyfriend says to just chill out and everything will be okay. but if i relax i feel worse - chilling out wont help. ill be so freaked out the whole time that i wont actually be relaxing or taking a break, just laying still and mentally planning all the ways i can cram all my obligations into my long day. i do it every night until i fall asleep, if i even manage to. then im so tired the next day that im afraid people will notice im not happy or confident or put together like they all say i am, and im gonna let them all down and make them all mad when they find out im not good at anything at all

i dont even know where to start. cleaning my room takes time i could spend on homework. eating takes too much time also, and i dont even feel hungry anyway. my stomach hurts but i dont care enough to pay attention and eventually it goes away. my homework isnt stuff i can bang out in quick succession, but ive been trying. i do a response during my break instead of eating. i read when i walk between classes. i stay up late until i cant think right and then when i try to sleep i just cant relax, so i stay up later and try to get progress done. 

i feel like i set myself up months ago with all these obligations and now im just being torn in every direction by all the expectations around me. 2 semester-long projects due in a few weeks. one semester long paper, and the next section is due tuesday. a semester long 2 day lesson plan that must be completed in extreme detail, due soon. two group projects coming up, but none of us have talked about anything, read anything, or even contacted each other. i had a group teach tonight - i had to make the whole lesson plan (and we were still late to turn it in) all night last night and didnt sleep until 5 something, and then woke up at 630 cause my mom texted me with party stuff again. now i have weekly essays to do, weekly responses, weekly online posts (and now those arne’t just single posts, they’re groups of 11 threads i have to watch videos in, analyze, and respond to. this week it took 6 hours to do them all and i have to do it all again next week). i have to read all of a book on teaching ethic so i can present that in ANOTHER group project in a few weeks. I have to distribute my big fiction piece tomorrow and i already printed it (13 copies, 300 pages total) but i realized i forgot to update it with a title and cant spare the time before class to print new first pages, so i have to stay up tonight and annotate the actual title, cross out the untitled label, and then sit through the critique on monday when everyone says it was unprofressional i didnt have a title and i get marked down

ive missed so much class and work and i can say no to anyone. i feel guilty for everything and i recognize im falling apart and this isnt okay but i cant ask for help, i dont want to, i cant make it happen. i feel like i dont deserve anything and i did this to myself, i chose this. its all gonna fall apart and im the only one to blame.

i dont even know where to start in getting control back. ive never had this kind of breakdown before. everyone keeps saying ‘oh well you had major surgery you have to relax and take it slow’ but they dont understand. they feel bad for me cause they think im someone who deserves a break, but i got 2 weeks to be lazy and do nothing. they all think im on top of everything and that i can manage more time off, but i cant. i cant just step away because if i do i fail everything. i got all A’s last semester and now everyone expects me to do it again, but ill be lucky to graduate. i have a’s right now but its all gonna fall apart soon. stuff is falling through the cracks and im trying to compensate by ignoring other stuff, like food and sleep. but im so afraid ill fumble and lose something more important and ill fail a class and not graduate. i already forgot my advising appointment yesterday because im fucking stupid and was distracted with playing on tumblr between classes

i just cant get the control back. i deserve this and i dont know how to fix it. its my fault and i have to deal with it all

my depression doesnt manifest like this. its always binge-eating and changing my life positively to fight back. but i cant fight this time. i cant eat and i cant sleep. i cant focus and i cant even prioritize all the stuff im juggling

i just dont know what to do any more.